I acknowledge that it’s in my genes. I am an alcoholic. I started drinking at 15 stopped at 16. I had my daughter at 21. Divorced her dad at 23 and picked up the bottle like crazy to fill in that emptiness I guess . I am now 43 years old and kind of a raging alcoholic . I lost my daughter because of it when she was 12 .. She is now 22 and just started talking to me and I’m trying to cover up the fact that I am sober which I completely am not. I am a fucking mess I am bored. I hate my life without my child again. My husband is a stoner:alcoholic which has no family either or friends we have no life other than work and no a little condo we rent. We have no hobbies. I am obsessed with my little dog and he’s the only thing that gets me through Life otherwise I would probably die. I’ve been trying to go at least three or 4 Days Dry .. The fourth day feels so amazing and accomplishing and happy and I can see clair again and why the hell do I buy the bottle as a reward why do I self sabotage? It’s bullshit . I hate you my piece of shit dad I hate you mom for fucking allowing me to get like this. I fucking hate everybody and then I’m drunk that I’m in love with everybody and saying I’m sorry it’s not your fault that everything is just the guilt and the wrap And the story is a bullshit and I’m tired of the four days of feeling shit for the one day to feel better again, I finally found an energy drink, but made me feel OK but then I can’t sleep at night so my four days sober. I literally have no sleep and then comes the bodyaches And pain and irritability that I fucking hate everybody and I’m like the nicest kindest loving friendliest person. Everybody loves me for that. I’m blonde hair, blue eyes sparkly bubbly. No one would even know that I was that raging alcoholic. That sucks. I literally have to like put on make up and eyebrow and make myself look like I’m OK when I’m not I hate my life. Only thing that saves me is my goddamn dog. And I feel a lot of times I let him down. I could be doing so much more with him. Tell me what a piece of shit I am and tell me to get back up please because someone needs to tell me I’m good. I can go max four days once I went 11 months and 28 days but right now I can’t get past that 5 What is it about the fourth or fifth day?

I have an aunt that is diabetic and an alcoholic living in a mid-low class household with her widow mother and some brothers in DR her husband (alcoholic but with a bit of control) and teen children have left the house cause money discussions, her mother's family has been enabling her addiction giving her access to a colmado a tiny mini market where she mostly sells alcohol and rn she seems it is a her weakest looking like a skeleton, shitting herself and overall not being there, as a passive observer i saw even the husband trying to help but they fought her mom supported her and they force him to leave, they live separated and now she is actively living with the people who might get her killed.

Is there any way to prevent this stupid shit of happening it hurts to see especially the children suffer from all this nonsense.

Other notes: she went to a psychiatrist and psychologist for medication and therapy to deal with abstinence but after a while she lied and stopped taking both.

When confronted about it she ignores the question and continue with mundane stuff.

As i said i lowered myself just to observe cuz I'm a uni student (19m) without money or power to ask for something yo happen i just try to be with my cousins as much as i can, talk to them about anything but that and have a good time but i can feel how tough for them it can be.

Lost

Stuck in the sadness,

Seeing only madness.

Deep down in a hole,

No peace for my soul.

A lifeline to reach for,

A path to a new door.

But darkness is all I see,

No light to set me free.

Chains that bind, weighing me down,

Clawing, fighting—not to drown.

One’s too many and there’s never enough

Always after better stuff

No longer with a plan

All the roads have been ran

One last choice left for me

Clarity I finally see

There is a way out of hell,

The old-timers know it well.

"One day at a time,"

"One step at a time."

Trudging the road ahead,

Behind’s only for the dead.

The path walked since ‘35,

One that’s kept many alive.

Knuckles white from the fight,

Seeking, reaching for new sight.

Till the day the obsession’s lifted.

A miracle real-something gifted.

Now at the doors of oblivion they wait,

To show the way before it’s too late.

Shining the light for all to see,

Thanks to them... I am free.

Hola, soy un tipo normal, estudio psicología, escribo esto de manera anónima como parte de terapia de algunos pacientes que estan pasando por malos momentos a causa del alcohol y ver si es que acaso pueden encontrar algun tipo de apoyo o desahogo.

Hola mí nombre es Marcelo, Tuve una vida perfecta, padres que me querían, una hermana a la cual quiero mucho que si bien no tenía las mejores habilidades comunicativas, siempre quiso sobresalir y vaya que lo hizo, hoy en día es una muy buena ingeniera y realmente le va bien en la vida, intenta pasar tiempo conmigo, pero yo ya no puedo mirarle al rostro, a mí padre también lo quiero un montón, pero tampoco puedo verlo al rostro, pasa que les arrebate quizás a lo que más amaban/ amabamos en este mundo, mí madre era una persona alegre, feliz y siempre intentado ayudar, creo que tenía algun tipo de complejo de Jesucristo, tal vez sentía que estaba en deuda con el mundo que siempre intento ayudar y hacer feliz a otras personas y en su intento, lo lograba, cuando era niño recuerdo que siempre andaba detrás suyo como si de una extensión se tratará, de pequeño siempre reíamos y pasabamos tiempo juntos, ella me decía que siempre había soñado con la familia que teníamos pesé a qué mí hermana y mí padre no eran muy risueñoso o sabían expresarse de la mejor manera como mi madre y yo, se notaba que eran felices, como amaba su familia esa mujer y nosotros, la amabamos, se me olvidaba decir algo, ella tenía obesidad morbida pesaba entre 120 y 100 kilos, pasada la infancia llegué a madurar y realmente me fuí alejando un poco de mí familia como todo adolescente, empecé a tomar y pues mi comportamiento empezó a cambiar poco a poco era mucho más rebelde, tenía notas mucho más bajas y muchas más "amistades" a disposición, la verdad no me importaba mucho en esa etapa de mí vida, igual mí madre, confiaba ciegamente en mí y pensaba que solo era una etapa, poco a poco se hicieron más seguidas las situaciones, una vez a la semana, luego dos y luego 3 y así sucesivamente, tenía novias por largos tramos de tiempo y esporádicamente me dejaban, siempre era por el maldito alcohol, empecé a perder muchos cursos y en la universidad y ella siempre pensó que era una etapa hasta que realmente se empezó a cansar, empezábamos a discutir cada que llegaba ebrio en la madrugada y yo empezaba a insultar a todo el mundo, después de eso en una salida cualquiera desperté ebrio sin zapatos, celular ni pertenencias a lo que llegué al día siguiente desconcertado a casa después de regresar caminando sin zapatos por la calle como un completo vagabundo, mí madre y familia me abrazaron pidiendo que deje todos esos malos hábitos y mí madre llorando me lo pidió, aun recuerdo su rostro y me parte el alma, lo deje por un par de semanas y otra vez empecé a hacerlo solo que con la variante de que cada que estaba ebrio entraba en una especie de psicosis, tenía miedo a todos los lugares y personas por si alguien pudiera poner algo en mi vaso o hacerme algo y me iba corriendo del lugar o llamaba a mi madre diciendo que me habían secuestrado o que me querían asaltar, mí madre apresuraba en la madrugada a mi padre a sacar el auto e irme a buscar por las calles porque aparte ni yo sabía donde estaba parado llegado el momento de alta ebriedad, siempre mi padre me reprochaba eso y me decía que deje de hacer eso o me iba a echar de casa, siempre escuchaba pero la verdad siempre supe que mi madre no lo iba a permitir, muchas veces llorando al día siguiente de la borrachera me decia "deja de tomar, me estás matando, a veces siento que al irte a buscar y llorar, se me va el aire" realmente a mí me preocupaba, me planteaba dejar de hacerlo y terminaba despertando con resaca y una situación tensa en casa, hasta que un día salí con unos amigos, llamé a mí madre porque sentí un ataque de psicosis al estar ebrio y me escribió al WhatsApp "voy para allá hijito, ¿donde estás?" A lo cual volví a escribirle y no respondía, esperé medía hora y seguía sin responder, llamé a mí padre y tampoco respondía, llamé a mi hermana y me dijo "Marcelo, ve a casa, mamá acaba de tener un infarto" la borrachera se me esfumo parcialmente en ese momento como si de un baldazo de agua fría se tratara, recobre parcialmente el conocimiento y fuí volando a casa en busca de respuestas y no encontré a nadie les volví a llamar y nadie contestaba, me fuí a dormir, rogando a Dios y a la vida que fuera solo un sueño, desperté al día siguiente y mí hermana estaba sentada, le pregunté si todo estaba bien tímidamente y me respondió "mamá murió, te odio" el mundo se me vino abajo, la tome de los hombros y le sacudí preguntando si era verdad lo que me decía, añoraba y deseaba con todas mis fuerzas que solo sea un sueño o incluso una broma de muy mal gusto, pero la vida misma suele ser más horrible que cualquier sueño o broma, puesto que, un sueño o una broma tienen un punto de partida y termina hasta que es suficiente, pero la vida nunca termina hasta que llega la muerte, me saco las manos de encima y me dijo, ponte algo oscuro e intenta poner buena cara, se fuerte y pues recibamos a todos, no pude hacerlo, agarre un par de cosas y me fuí, me fuí lo más lejos que pude en mi ciudad, la tristeza, culpa y odio a mi mismo me abrumaron, pasado unos días mí hermana y mí padre intentaron contactarme hasta que lo lograron, mi hermana se disculpó conmigo alegando que no tenía la culpa y que eramos familia, que me amaba y que mi papá igual y que podíamos seguir con la familia que mí madre había contruido juntos, acepté puesto que no tenía cara para tan siqueira poder negarme, después de eso, mí padre y mi hermana intentaron acercarse más a mí y darme una especie de alivio o cariño pero sé que detrás de todo, me odian, yo lo sé, porque yo me odio, me arrebate y no solo a mí si no, también a ellos a la persona que más amabamos y algo triste de la vida es que realmente no hay una segunda oportunidad para volver a hacer nada desde el inicio, si no de iniciar algo nuevo, nunca volví a a ver a los ojos a mi padre, no puedo, me duele ver una sonrisa o mirada fingiendo felicidad mientras por detrás veo soledad y quizas los abrazos más frios y sonrisa más hipócrita en mi hermana y su corazón roto, nunca olvidaré las palabras "mamá murió, te odio" de su boca, quizás no solo son sus palabras, si no también las mías, gracias a usted por leerme y gracias al maldito alcohol por arruirarme la vida.

I dont know how to start this , i guess I’m just looking for guidance , I’m 25 and 72 hours clean. I want to stop drinking , its taken its toll on me from drinking everyday , but i guess my breaking point is that i lost the one person who truly cared about me bc of alcohol she was just tired of it

I'm 3 years sober, I recently had a romantic dream about someone in AA, I had never really thought about the person like that before and now I'm thinking about them all the time and wandering why?.. why I had the dream?.. why I suddenly am thinking about them? And what if I feel.awkward when I see them next?.. even though I know they don't know about it. Is this a normal thing in recovery. How do you deal with it?

Hello- I'm entering the final month of my 5th year of sobriety and ironically I've yet to attend a meeting during my entire sobriety. Ironic because I tried AA more than a couple of times during my drinking days but I never found a sponsor or worked all the steps by any stretch. The pandemic ended up being a perfect self imposed 'rehab' and despite feeling compelled to go to a meeting many times the last few years something is keeping me from going. Although technically I've done this on my own and with therapy, there is still a gaping hole where my social circle used to be. I've burned most of my bridges and cut off most of the world outside of my immediate family. This doesn't feel sustainable and I guess I'm wondering if the community that AA brings is equally as important as the program itself. Any insights will be much appreciated.

##1 my husband. He still drinks heavily and I am now 60 days sober. He has said awful things lately like “I can’t wait for my apology” because we both sunk to new lows together that ended in some slats of physical abuse but thankfully we have worked past that. I have apologized before officially reaching the step and tried to be humble to apologize for my actions without blaming his part in it. We share mutual responsibility for the pain we’ve caused each other. For anyone thinking of telling me my relationship is unsafe, I was usually the instigator so my sobriety is what is really holding us together now. I am using alanon to work through accepting his current drinking..

##2 struggling to think of anyone else. Never let me colleagues down in a big way, on good terms with my very small friend group..family is also full of alcoholics.

Is it normal or OK to only have one person or do I need to do some deeper soul searching for how my drinking has impacted others?

My life has been quite the whirlwind for the last…god idk, a long time. My wife and kids have taken the brunt of my unresolved issues. Some days I feel like there is no hope, and that I have ruined my life. Then, I remind myself that anything is possible, especially with sobriety. We may have burned bridges, hurt our friends, family, spouses and kids seemingly beyond repair. While this may be true, all we can do in Alcoholics Anonymous is keep living the program everyday. Keep taking personal inventory and promptly admit where we were wrong and make amends when the moment presents itself. I promise It does get easier. But I also promise that It does get harder. And although not having the convenience to rely on any substance to numb our feelings maybe feel counterintuitive at first, I have found that the more I throw myself into AA, work with my sponsor, pray, work the steps as life or death, and help newcomers, life in fact can be really kick ass; even if the results we desire are not the ones we obtain. We can still recover and have a beautiful life full of purpose and meaning. We can still share our experiences, strength and hope to others who so desperately need our help. It is part of the basic principles of AA. It’s part of the basic principles of life. Help one another. Get out of self. And ask your higher power for guidance. If you do that, you can make it through anything. Even when it feels like the whole world is against you. You got this. Keep going. We need you. We love you. We will never turn you away. Please Stay ❤️

I was working with a sponsor who I absolutely adored and felt I learned so much from for the past 7ish months. We met outside of AA before I went back to the rooms after trying the whole Cali sober thing (weed always leads me back to liquor). Anyways, we were acquaintances so when I began IOP I reached out to her, we met up and she became my sponsor. It was all great until I started having severe health issues. I am physically unable to meet the expectations she has for her sponsees due to these health issues. I am dedicated to working through the steps and am willing to go to any lengths, but I need a sponsor who can work around me having seizure episodes that randomly flare up and make it unsafe for me to leave home or consistently attend the same meetings. I am in the process of finding a diagnosis and a treatment path. I feel like a failure and that I am not actually going to any lengths because I don’t go to meetings when I am in too much pain to stay awake or my other extremely unpleasant symptoms are acting up. I think finding a new sponsor may help, but I am so scared I won’t be good enough for them. I really needed to vent and any advice or stories of similar experiences is extremely appreciated.

After 15 years of drinking every night to help me sleep , I’ve made it to 18 days without alcohol. I’ve been going to meetings but recently fell off, due to having a problem with trusting other people in person, like with a sponsor. I still haven’t drank! 🫶🏽 But now, I just feel alone. I’ve been talkative a lot more with other people but I don’t know. I feel as though I’m just going through the motions. I guess I just feel lost ? It’s very lonely not being able to really trust people and open up but it feels like extremely hard to let my guard down and trust someone with my person life. Not really sure what asking. Just wanted to get that off my chest 😔

hii guys! i just went to my first meeting (1mo clean n sober woo!) and i got my 30 day chip. i didnt know what to do, but i stood up, got it + a hug, then sat back down. im sitting right in front of the chip guy and he goes on to offer chips for 30 days, 90 days, 6mos, etc. the guy offers a chip for 3yrs, which another guy stands up from across the room to come get that chip. as he walks past, he says to me, “here, take this.” and hands me his 90 day chip. i was going to ask him after the meeting why, but i got too nervous. i asked my friend what this means and she said it could be one of two things.

1. my friend says in some meetings, people pass their new chips around the circle to pray on, then return to the person at the end. i hope this isnt the case, because i kept it? nobody told me to do such a thing when i got my chip (bc i was the first one of the bunch) and nobody corrected me?

or 2. my friend says it could be a gesture of encouragement for me to get to 90days? im unsure, pls advise ? i just feel bad if i took this guys chip, his recovery is literally in my hands 😭

How is everybody? 12 days sober here. Thank you for this forum. So blessed to have all your support during these dark and dreary times. I want to thank you. I am doing my best to stay faithful but I am challenged every other hour... going thru these hard times is such a hardship indeed, I've been trying to let go.

i j looked it up and it was all like religious??? is this seriously the 12 step program?? only religious ppl can get over alcoholism😭😭??

Hardships

” But you don’t understand!” we spluttered, trying to cover up. “I’m different! I’ve really got it rough!” We used these lines over and over in our active addiction, either trying to escape the consequences of our actions or avoid following the rules that applied to everyone else. We may have cried them at our first meeting. Perhaps we’ve even caught ourselves whining them recently.

So many of us feel different or unique. As alcoholics & addicts, we can use almost anything to alienate ourselves. But there’s no excuse for missing out on recovery, nothing that can make us ineligible for the program—not a life-threatening illness, not poverty, not anything. There are thousands of alcoholics & addicts who have found recovery despite the real hardships they’ve faced. Through working the program, their spiritual awareness has grown, in spite of—or perhaps in response to—those hardships.

Our individual circumstances and differences are irrelevant when it comes to recovery. By letting go of our uniqueness and surrendering to this simple way of life, we’re bound to find that we feel a part of something. And feeling a part of something gives us the strength to walk through life, hardships and all.

Just for today: I will let go of my uniqueness and embrace the principles of recovery I have in common with so many others. My hardships do not exclude me from recovery; rather, they draw me into it.  

TGCHHO

where do aa meetings normally take place where can i find one near me also do u have to be 21 to go

I live & work in a small town and there was an older guy that would come into the convenience store that I work in & sit at one of our tables for an hour or two a day. He also would come into the other store I work in and just walk around but never buy anything. This has been going on for a year or two.

To be honest, at first I found him annoying BUT he won me over with his kindness. After I stopped drinking & going to meetings, he would occasionally be at one & have insightful shares.

At a meeting Thursday, someone said that they heard that he MAYBE had passed away but they weren’t sure. Today, I asked a coworker about him & she confirmed it. She heard that his landlord found him dead over a week ago. I’m not sure of his age but I would say probably was in his late 60s.

He had at least a decade or two of sobriety so tomorrow (as I’m about to go to sleep tonight), I will not drink in his honor.

If you’ve gone through recovery, I’d love to hear your story in the style of the Big Book.

How did alcohol impact your life, what was your turning point, and how has sobriety changed things for you?:

• What was your life like before sobriety?
• What was your ‘moment of clarity’ that made you decide to stop drinking?
• How did you find AA (or another recovery path), and what was your early sobriety like?
• What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned since getting sober?
• How do you maintain your sobriety today?"*

"You can share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. Anonymous replies are welcome." - Thank you, (397 days)

I have sponsored this person for several years. Recently I found out that she relapsed and didn’t tell me for months. When I asked about her willingness, she said she couldn’t do the steps again, it was “too hard on her”. She never goes to meetings, she blows me off all the time. I have only been her sponsor in name only for quite some time. I consulted my sponsor about all this. She supported my letting this person go. Now she has called me and asked what she can do to get me to be her sponsor. It’s only been 2 days. I have enabled her recovery and now I’m needing to make space for my own inner work and attracting women who want to do the work. Ugh.

Can someone please drop the answer!

30, male. In the program for 11months. Its been rocky but great. I've managed to really turn my life around in a beautiful way. My girlfriend of five years landed a 6 figure job that we weren't particularly planning for so we are moving with short notice. I don't have a job lined up yet and that's okay, but I definitely need a good meeting in the durham-raleigh area to help keep doing the next right thing. I visited a couple weeks ago and I found the meetings to be a bit odd compared to what I'm used to up north but i support anything that keeps people sober. I move in 6 days and realizing i wont have my home group anymore has really stressed me out. the anxiety has become crippling. My time in new tork has expired and I'm ready for the change.

Hi everyone. I don't even know what to write. I am struggling with alcohol and have been for a long time. I am trying to get sober but every time I am frustrated I cave in. My life has been in constant uproar for the past 6 ish years. The drinking got more consistent 3 and a half years ago when my nephew/best friend/son (he was my nephew but I loved him like my child and he was my absolute best friend) died from making a poor decision while he was DRUNK.

My sister tells me to try AA but I cant even get myself to go to the store. There's no way I can convince myself to go into public with strangers. I go to work and come home. I used to be so active. About 10 years ago I was thriving, didn't care to drink, was extremely active and took great care of myself. I want to reconnect with those parts of me and discover who I am now. Any advice on how to become successful?

My last blackout was on February 12, 2012. When I woke up—disoriented, shaking, and filled with regret—the evidence of the night before surrounded me. Several drained wine bottles, a string of missed calls, and a series of damning text messages painted a picture of chaos I could barely remember. At that moment, something inside me shifted. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I could see the disappointment in my wife’s eyes. She didn’t have to say a word.

My first instinct was to find help to save the marriage, so I joined A.A. At first, it seemed to be working. I was sober, but my wife was still unhappy. The problem wasn’t just the drinking—it was me. I wasn’t fully embracing the Serenity Prayer, particularly the part about accepting the things I could not change. I had convinced myself that sobriety alone would fix everything, that simply not drinking would somehow heal years of damage. But the truth was, I was still acting like a jerk—just a sober one. And eventually, my marriage collapsed.

My sponsor directed me to page 417 of the Big Book. Reading it was like having a bucket of cold water poured over my head. For the first time, I truly understood the meaning of acceptance. Of course, knowing it and living it were two different things. I had a lot to learn. I still do. But I’ve learned to keep an open mind and recognize that absolute sobriety isn’t just about abstaining from alcohol—it’s about becoming a better person. That, I’ve come to realize, is the key to living a sober, happy life.

Well, this is my first post on Reddit. I hope it helps someone today.

Grateful I've made it this far.

Seven years ago today, I woke up hungover, humiliated and out of options. I made a decision to try this sober thing, one day at a time.

I'm still standing.

I’m not sure if this is the right place to ask, but I had a question. My boyfriend of two years, who’s 35, has been struggling with alcohol addiction for some time. He’s currently 15 days sober, which is a huge milestone. We’ve both already noticed a significant change in our relationship and in him as a person.

It’s been a rocky road with many ups and downs, and we’ve come close to calling it quits. I want to be as supportive and helpful to him as possible during his recovery. What are some ways I can support him as his girlfriend? For those who have been in recovery, what kind of support did you wish you had from your significant other? Thank you all in advance!

Im really proud of myself! The longest I’ve ever made it was a week. I feel good and I look so much better. I had no idea my face was puffy until it wasn’t.

I was just in a meeting and mentioned I had a non alcoholic cocktail, I was honest and said it did make me nervous cause it is so deceiving but it's the restaurant I work in and a good friend of mine made me the drink. A few people then said "non alcoholic drinks are for non Alcoholics." I somewhat understand the statement. I'd just like to get some opinions on this as I'm 54 days sober and only new to learning the programme. I personally haven't had 00 beers or wine but have heard on podcasts that some people in recovery do and it has the inclusive affect for them. Thanks

Went in for a general physical this morning for the first time in I don’t know how long. Normally when I was asked “how much you drink?” I lied. I would say “oh socially I have a few during the week.”

This time was different. I want to change. I told my doctor that I’d been a heavy alcoholic by definition since I started college almost 9 years ago. He asked me to put a number on it. I told him that I pick up 2 cases of beer every Thursday on my way home from work and by Sunday night I normally only have 5-6 beers left. So I’m drinking somewhere in the ballpark of 45 beers in about 3-4 days and take off Monday -Thursday. His reaction was about what I expected. He asked me some questions about symptoms and I told him I have an occasional dull ache on my right side under my ribs and sometime an ache on the left side. Normally after a weekend bender. This just started about a year ago. He ordered me to have further testing done with some specialist and offered me some resources to stop. I haven’t drink in a week for the first time in a long time.

I am scared to death that I am going to have done permanent damage from my 9 years of binge drinking. I fear I’ll have some sort of kidney damage, liver cirrochis or pancreatitis.

Please pray for me!

My sister lives at the other end of the country (south of England) and decided to come back to where we (her family) all live (north of Scotland) for the month of January because she said she was struggling / feeling depressed.

We knew she had somewhat a problem with alcohol before she came home but were more of the impression that it was excessive binge drinking.

It became apparently very quickly once she came back home that her drinking had escalated to the level of a 'proper' alcoholic (drinking every day, hiding booze from us, lying about drinking etc).

Throughout the course of the month, there have been multiple instances of her claiming that she will stop drinking, and she does (at least, she gives the impression that she does) for a few days and then it becomes clear that she's been drinking again.

She is going back down south tomorrow and my family are terrified for what she is going to be like when she is alone.

We have been watching her like a hawk whilst she's been here but as soon as she's not being watched or is alone, she finds a way to get alcohol.

My view is that we have done / said as much as we can to help her and if she's not willing to help herself, then we just have to let her continue with her self destruction. It's sounds cruel maybe, but I don't know what else we can do to support her - she's 36 years old and has to take some responsibility for herself.

She's poopooed the idea of rehab and is adamant that she is going back home tomorrow (she could stay here for another month and work remotely if she wanted)

I'm looking to get some insights from alcoholics or family members of alcoholics as my family and I are really struggling to find a way to help her.