I've lost so much of life to how prolonged cosca has impacted me and I'm so done with feeling trapped by my experience, but how can you get heard when as soon as they hear the age of who was involved they shut down, invalidate, defend, make excuses

I already do that myself.

I feel like I'm never going to get a life. I've been stuck in survival for so long. I can't even do normal daily activities because of what these experiences have left me with and it's embarrassing and depressing.

I'm 26 and still so mashed by things that ended a decade ago- why? If it I can be played down so much why am I so messed up by it? And how do I process it when the whole thing terrifies me to even have in my head

now that i’m (f21) older and trying to form relationships with people, there are so many things that get in the way of me achieving full comfortability/vulnerability. i never talk about this to anyone. in fact, no one even knows about it. when i was younger, my mom had a friend that also had daughters around my age. i think i was around 9ish, one of the girls was the same age and the oldest was two years older (12?). i remember them coming over to my house and while my mom spent time with her friend, her daughters would touch me, force me to touch them and kiss them too. i remember being uncomfortable with what was going on but eventually giving in because it became kind of routine every time they would come over. honestly, my brain has had a hard time recovering memories from the past so i don’t remember a lot from this time. unfortunately though like a lot of cycles of abuse, i figured it was a normal thing to do and did the same thing to a school friend (when we were still in elementary school) and a distant cousin. all of this was around the same time frame of being children. i was caught kissing my distant cousin (who was also a girl) and i remember being so scared that i blamed the whole thing on her. i still occasionally see that distant cousin and we’ve never brought it up; we act like it never even happened. it’s taken me a long time to get here but i know im attracted to women sexually. ive only ever dated men, im emotionally and sexually attracted to them. i’ve never dated a woman and i’d be lying if i said i didn’t want to. growing up in a traditional catholic family, being LGBT+ is…well you know. there are times where i’m in heavy denial about my attraction to girls and blame it on my COCSA. i feel like it must’ve done something to me psychologically. i hate that i feel the way i do about girls. i hate that im attracted to them. As someone that also has OCD, this will eat away at me until im paralyzed in fear. idk how to accept my feelings, accept what happened, how to forgive myself or forgive those girls. idk what to do with these feelings at all…

Should I get a divorce? TW COCSA

My husband has confided with me that he was abused as a child by on older cousin. He said that he remembers this cousin locking him and another child in a room and making them touch his erect penis. This same cousin also introduced to porn at a young age (11-12). This cousin is currently in jail for unrelated charges and has been for a long time (attempted murder and kidnapping as well as drug charges)

He said he doesn’t remember his childhood well and that it might have happened more than once but has this one strong memory of it and others are “like a dream”.

He has also mentioned things like feeling abandoned by his parents (his parents often left him at other family members houses to work) and his family teasing him about being gay as he didn’t show any interest in girls when becoming a teenager

Recently I am now pregnant with a baby girl and his sister messaged me saying she wanted to “warn me” of my husband. She is saying that if he can abuse his sisters what would stop him from abusing his child. She told me that he molested her and his other sister for a period of time (a few months) by going into their room at night and touching them inappropriately. They were close in age him being 13/14 and the sisters 12/13 and 11/12. His parents were alerted but they did nothing but scold him. He stopped and to my knowledge did not reoffend after this period of time (based on what his sisters are saying).

I reached out to his other sister who confirms this and said that he would deny it just like his parents have. I asked his mother and she brushed it off saying he just went into their rooms at night.

I asked him about this and he didn’t deny it. He said he would go into to their room and touch them. He said he was ashamed and didn’t want to tell me this part because of how I might react. I asked him if he had told his parents about his abuse and he said no and that nobody in his family but me knew (as I had opened up about my prev. Relationships before where I experienced abuse) He told me he felt guilty and ashamed and didn’t want this to be seen as the reason he did what he did. He said “my actions are my own and I wish I could go back and change what I did”

His sisters have been around him and with one they have a fairly ok relationship, the other not so much.

It would not have occurred to me that something like this would have happened. He has been around my family and younger kids and has always been great never shows any signs of wanting to be alone with them etc.

I know this is reaching but I’m not very educated in this and want to find some advice on how to move forward. I know children who SA other children- especially close in age often do because they were shown this behavior by someone else.

He has agreed to go to therapy for this specifically( he already goes for PTSD,Anxiety,depression as he was in the army and stationed over seas)

I have seen my therapist and while I mentioned abuse in his home and concerns for my child I didn’t explicitly say he was also an abuser. This has triggered a lot of my own trauma from my past and have felt immense anxiety trying to process this in the last few days. It’s just so hard for me to share with anyone else right now but will at my next therapy session.

TLDR. If my husband was abused and became an abuser as a child should I be concerned that my husband will abuse our baby? Does this classify him as a pedophile? Should I divorce him? I have time before my baby is born but am trying to process this. He agreed to couples therapy once he starts his specifically on this trauma as I want him to heal and process his trauma first.

Today, I told my psychologist about my COCSA when I was 10 and she said “Shouldn’t you forget about it? Move on?” and said that he did the goof to “tease me”. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling upset inside. I wish I was abused by an adult instead of a boy one year younger than me.

My older brother molested me for years. It started mild and eventually it started escalating.

I don't know when it started but probably when I was around 5-6.

He did everything from kissing, watching porn, making me suck, licking me, all the way up to penetration.

It stopped when moved out, when I was 15. Only now do I really realize how wrong it all was. He was never forceful but I was definitely groomed into thinking it's normal. I was the one making the first move more than once... I don't know if he knew how wrong it was when we started and why didn't he stop. Was it just a habit? Is it my fault for making advances too?

I don't know what to do next, I haven't heard from him in a while... I don't know how I feel.

I don't really know where to put this, but it involves the topic of COCSA, so here's as good a place as any. So, about two years ago or so, me and one of my friends had this other friend. For sake of convenience, I'll just call them A and B. Me and A have known each other for years and are both COCSA victims, and we met B three years ago. 2 years ago, B outed A's COCSA experience to our schools council to get out of class.

Obviously, ties were severed, but that brings us to now. I have 3 other friends who befriended B after the whole situation, and they refuse to believe that B did what they did. It's annoying because I can't explain the depth of whay B did without exposing A and my own trauma to people I'm not ready to.

One of my newer friends, who befriended B, has been ignoring me for 3 months straight now and I don't know what to do. I'm not asking for help or anything, I wouldn't mind it though, I just can't explain this to anyone without telling them the whole story.

Warning: Sexual Harassment When I was younger (between the ages 5-8) my cousin (who is a year or 2 older than me) used to play these sexual games with me. At the time I had no idea the game was bound to be sexual in anyway and additionally I didn’t fully understand his intentions. He would touch me inappropriately, I never consented to any of it because no questions were asked, most of the time my eyes would be covered so I wasn’t fully aware of what was happening, except for what I felt him doing. On separate occasions, he would touch me in different areas and I’d catch him peeking at me while I was changing. This all stopped by the time I was 11 or 12. We never spoke about the situation, and I never seemed to remember what happened until recently when I saw him again. And I still feel extremely uncomfortable around him, He doesn’t seem to feel the same way. Am I overreacting because we were both young?

TW: possible COCSA and just gross

Hey everyone. I’m really struggling and just had kind of a tough therapy session. If you haven’t read my story before, check out the first post on this account.

Basically, I had a lot of signs of sexual abuse that I felt extremely guilty about in retrospect, and a distant memory of some things that might be considered SA, but no real clue if I’m genuinely traumatized or just looking for something to validate the uncomfortable things I did from early childhood until I was 15 with some outlying things until I was about 17.

I never hurt anyone, thank GOD, but I just truly don’t identify with the fantasies, hypersexuality, compulsively masturbating in bathrooms, and generally gross behaviors I would do as a child and teen.

Does anyone else relate? I never want to hurt anybody, I just want to be a good person. I hate this baggage and would give anything to erase my past.

So, when i was 10 i convinced my little brother (7) that we need to practice sex for girls. I saw porn for the first time when i was 7 in a discord server and from that moment on i was addicted to the idea of it

i am 16. from the ages of 7 - 10 i was assaulted by 2 girls a few years older than me (they were maybe 4 or 5 years older than me). everything that has happened to me replays on my mind at random times. and for some reason i enjoy the thought of it. when i was 12 it got so bad to the point where i touched a girl a few years younger than me. there wasn't any penetration but i did do things like rubbing my private parts on her and masturbating over her while she was laying down. i forced her to get naked and i performed oral on her. after this i completely forgot about it all until a few months ago. i keep thinking about everything and it turns me on and i hate it. im scared that i will do something similar again. what should i do?

Massive content warning for the obvious

This is my story.

I grew up with mostly boys around to play. There was just one other girl in my neighborhood. We used to hang out at her house a lot. Mostly unsupervised. She had a mother and her mother had a boyfriend. They left their porn vhs tapes, sextoys and magazines lying around the house. We got into watching that tapes which were hard core reenactments of incest scenarios with adult performers posing as teens. At the same time we watched disneys Robin Hood and played donkey Kong. We were children. We also used the toys. She told me how it’s done. I was 10 and she was nine when her mother found out and said we could not tell anyone as cps would take her away.

Parallel to this the boys started doing stuff to me. I was quite a tomboy. So I played with them a lot. In the forest,chicken shed and down by the river. It started with them asking to lift my shirt to let them see my by then not developed chest. They said they would not play with me otherwise. Than we played family and they started rubbing themselves on me when we played sleep time. I always had to be the woman and my younger brother the child. One of the boys who was 1 or 2 years older than me was particularly often putting me in this position. This continued by for what seems now a long time. Things got worse. I remember a rape in the forest. I also remember bringing the boys to the house of my friend to look at the tapes. My memory is very fragmented. I remember telling my mother vaguely about the boys touching me and I think she thought it was consensual play and she told me to enjoy myself. I am not sure if that really happened. It all ended in a rage fit that I had when I beat the shit out of that boys face with a badminton racket. They then got up to committing burglaries and vandalism in the neighborhood and I retreated into my own world.

Yeah that’s that.

I’m 40 and can finally feel the rage about all the adults involved that did not help and created that environment.

I just don’t know how to tell my story to my therapist or anyone as I’m so wrapped up in shame and guilt.

By definition on what cocsa is, what happened to me fits into that category or whatever but I don’t really feel any sort of signs indicating I have been affected in any way and because of that I don’t really feel like I was abused even though I was??

I’m a little lost, I’ve tried connecting with my feelings, doing hours of research for as long as I’ve known about cocsa, and reliving the memories I remember to get in touch on how I feel. Is it normal to feel nothing towards what happened? All this research and stuff has really done is made me doubt everything about what had happened like I was in on it or that I just made it up. I cannot remember anything about how I felt or what I was thinking when the abuse was happening so idk what my intentions were or my feelings. Even my response during and after didn’t show any signs I was struggling or impacted significantly.

I’m wondering if this is pointless to keep trying to find if there’s a problem and move on instead because there’s nothing there or should I try and reach out even if it’s been years since it happened.

Idk. I don’t feel normal, what happened to me isn’t normal and my response shouldn’t be like this, should it?

(Sorry if this is stupid)

So im13f and I had my friend 15f over for s sleepover this weekend. She's kind of always been touchy if that's relevant so I didn't really mins when she started getting all over me.

She pushed me down and said she wanted to show me something and started kissing and gropeing me. It was really gross, I tried to tell her to stop but she didn't listen so I gave up thinking she'd stop.

She took of my clothes and I tried to fight back s bit but I'm really weak and she did it and gave me oral sex and I hated it so much. She didn't care that I was crying and kept saying I'd like it and things like that. She went to sleep in the other room and left this morning. Similar things have happened with her s few times and i can't really tell anyone cus I don't want to be outed an dmy parents would totally kick me out if they found out I was lesbian

Hi there, I am a family member of a COCSA survivor and looking for advice on how to best support her.

My sister in law (19f) has recently told her family that her brother SA’d her while she was a minor. I do not know any more details, including if this was one off or repeated, or when it occurred/how old they were at the time.

To be very clear: I believe her, and so does my partner (her sibling). As soon as we found out we told her that we love and believe her and are here for her. The complicating factor is that of all the siblings, my partner is closest with the brother.

We don’t know when this happened or any specifics, as SIL has not chosen to share that with us at this time. Maybe she will in the future but that’s her choice. That leaves us with uncertainty about how to treat the brother. We want sister to know and feel supported, but also do not want to blow up brothers life… At least not with the information we currently have. I’ll put it this way, I know his as a sweet an and I do not wish him ill, but this revelation has thrown everything into question.

There are of course many more details and family dynamics at play here, but I would love any advice on what we as family members can do next.

I was around 10 when my younger cousin coerced me to give him oral sex. It stuck with me for a while and I felt guilt and shame a long way. But something struck me, I remember him being a 9 year old. He told me during the incident that during that time, he had been doing this with older men. I finally realized that he was brainwashed by those piles of shit to think it was normal. I've grown the knowledge to know that I shouldn't let this one incident that happened to me as a child ruin my life, as we both were little and quite literally couldn't consent to anything. I wish him well and I forgive him for it. I'm still trying to find my peace, and I hope you all can learn to forgive what went on as children and live your life as an adult. Time heals.

I just feel like she’d carry all the guilt. It’s been so many years so I don’t think she needs to know. Anyone else in the same boat?

This is going to be very confusing, but I just need to get this off my chest.

TW eating disorder, COCSA

I'm currently in therapy for my eating disorder, and during the last session I brought up my COCSA story for the first time. I went to therapy before even prior to my ED but I've never talked about it. But I figured that it was time to do so since I know it was one of the many triggering factors for my previous BED and now AN. And also because I'm in a relationship and I realized just how much this is affecting the sexual part of it. It happened when I was about 6 and he was 14. He was my dad's girlfriend's son, let's call him M. One night me, my brother and him were sleeping in the same bed. M started touching me in ways that I knew weren't okay, but I was a child and I didn't fully comprehend what was happening. I pretended to be asleep for the whole time, I didn't know what to do. I just wanted him to stop. My brain kind of erased the memories from that night for many years. I just know that for years I would go out and think things like "what if someone r**** me?" which is not something an 8/9 years old should think about. But then my dad broke up with his girlfriend and I never saw M again, so I didn't have anything that could fully remind me of what happened. I started remembering it out of nowhere when I was about 13, and my whole world collapsed. I was scared of telling anyone because I knew what they would say, "but you didn't say no, you didn't do anything to stop him". I eventually ended up telling some people what happened, and luckily they were all understanding. I didn't tell my mom until I was 21, and I only opened up to my brother last summer (I was 23). I'm almost 24 now, and even though no one really blamed me for what happened I still blame myself. But I want to forgive that little girl who didn't know what to do because she was scared and confused. It's just so hard. It doesn't really help that my current boyfriend is so obsessed with being sexual towards me, which I of course enjoy most of the time, but sometimes I find myself wishing he would just stop touching me. I find it difficult to tell him to stop or that I'm not in the mood, so I end up forcing myself to do things or to let him touch me even when I don't want to because I don't want him to think that he's the problem. Even though I told him all about what happened to me. My therapist said that I don't have to be that little girl who pretends to sleep anymore, that I can say when I don't want certain things. That I can have full control on my body. I think that's one of the reasons why I developed an ED, to try and have control on my body for once.

Was she too young to know better? Becsuse everytime I talk to my mom about it she tells me her cousin was only 15. I personally think by then you know right from wrong

So basically I was talking with my mom, and she told me that when I was 2 years old my uncle, which was 5 years old at the time, had his pp out of his pants and I was "playing" with it, I didn't know what I was doing obviously because I was 2, but I don't know if he knew what he was doing, and me and my mom both don't know if he had bad intentions or not, I need help

Hi everyone, I hope y'all are feeling okay today. This post is going to be long and descriptive, as I'm trying to understand what happened to me... Also, I need to vent so, so badly; sorry for that. For some context, I've been going to therapy for the last 3 months now, which has made me remember a lot of things from my childhood, a lot of details. I've always had memories of the situation that I'm about to share, but I couldn't remember all the details. Now that I got some of those memories back, I'm very confused.
I'm going to add some TW so y'all know what this is about and in case you need to skip it.

Warning: Incest, neglect, physical/verbal/mental abuse, and descriptions of sexual acts.

Well... I (F 24) think I may have been abused by my brother between the ages of 6-8 (that is, ages 11-13 for him). I have some memories of the times when it happened; most of them are very specific and detailed. I don't know exactly how it started, but I do know things escalated very quickly, until one day my brother (let's call him Dan) changed his behavior towards me and became hostile, distant, and disgusted by my presence, trying to avoid me at all costs.

For some context, we share a mother, but we have different fathers. My mom gave me away to my dad's family when I was around 1 year old, so I only lived with her and Dan for about a year. After that I went to live with my dad and my grandmother, but I kept spending the weekends at my mom's place. She would physically abuse Dan, beating him, starving him, and overall neglecting him from a very early age. This continued all those years while I was growing up. She was also neglectful and abusive towards me. She hated being near her children; this led to us being left alone or under the watch of our alcoholic, abusive grandparents. Anyways, when I was 6 and Dan was 11, our mother got a new boyfriend and got pregnant. The abuse towards me and Dan stopped right away, but instead we seemed to just not exist for anyone in that house anymore. Dan could just go outside with his friends all day, and no one noticed nor cared. I was left alone in a room for hours; my only company was Dan, so he would take me out with him almost every time. He always protected me, taking the blame, taking the beatings, and taking the punishments for my mistakes.

My memories are from these times. I remember we used to play hide and seek in the backyard and hide behind the house. One time he said he would kiss me if he found me first. He did and then kissed me on the lips. I remember how confused I felt, and he said it would be our secret. After that, we began to hide and kiss every time we were alone. At some point it was not weird anymore; I began to look forward to every weekend visit, and I was always excited to be with Dan and kiss.
My memories are blurry around the kisses and how long we did that before the other stuff started. All I know is that one night we were lying on the bed watching TV; it was late. I was 7, and Dan was 12. Mother had left us under one of our aunties watch while she went out partying. Dan and I were still pretty awake, and our aunt was sleeping in the same bed, right beside us. She was snoring, and we were laughing very quietly to not wake her up. It was so late that, at some point, there was porn on the TV channel. We kept watching. It was intriguing for me and seemed so fun, so I began to imitate the positions the girls were doing on the TV. I took my underwear off (it was the only clothes I was wearing) and started to laugh and pinch Dan. I remember the look on his face. He was looking at me with surprise and some fear, I guess, but then he smiled and told me to close my legs and to be quiet. He did the ''Shh" sign with his finger and grabbed my panties, giving them back to me so I put them on again. I remember I just did the "position" again; after that, there's a blur in my memory, and then there's Dan touching my body and my privates, looking at me with a serious face while I smiled at him. He told me that we were doing bad things. We kissed too, and I touched him over the clothes. That's all I remember.
After that night we kept hiding and kissing around the house, along with touching each other's privates over and under the clothes. I felt safe with him, like everything was normal. We called each other boyfriend and girlfriend and acted like we were a couple. I also know that I became addicted to watching porn on the TV, along with finding objects and stuff to rub myself against, every time I could, at the same time this thing with Dan was going on. Also, I was sleepwalking and having nightmares every night, so my dad and grandma were very worried about my behavior, and they suspected I was being SA'd at my mom's place.
I don't know what else could've happened; all I remember is that, by the end of it, Dan didn't want to be alone or around me at all. He would take me out with him and then leave me alone in the park. He did this a couple of times until one of our aunts found me sitting alone on a bench, and he got into big trouble. Every time I tried to hug him, kiss him, or whatever, he pushed me away and called me an orphan or some other horrible thing. I would cry a lot and ask myself why he didn't love me anymore. I remember feeling heartbroken, lonely, scared, and confused. I would try to get his attention all the time and get jealous and aggressive towards our female cousins when we were playing hide and seek together, so they isolated me. I remember feeling this rage and pain inside me whenever I saw him hugging or carrying one of our cousins around.
A couple of months later I completely stop going to my mom's place. I never went there again, and I never spoke to or saw my brother and mother ever again. Eventually these feelings about Dan faded off, and I went back to "normal," although I kept masturbating and watching porn every time I could.
At 14, I had this sort of crisis where I thought I was no longer a virgin, and I realized my first love/kiss/sexual experience was my brother. Then I figured that was not true, and I convinced myself that we were just experimenting as very, very traumatized kids coping together. The thing is... after therapy, I don't know what to think about this. I still believe we were traumatized kids coping together and engaging in this behavior just because of the environment we lived in. But it doesn't feel enough. My boyfriend says it was COCSA and that I wasn't "exploring"; I was being abused. I'm very confused... That's why I need to know what you all think about this, please.

Thank you for reading this far; I really appreciate it.

TW (SA)

Using an alt account, I’ve never posted about this.

I’m 24f and was I guess assaulted by one of my brother’s older friends. I couldn’t tell you when it started, just that it ended when I was around 11-12 ish. The boy (around 15 when it would have stopped, maybe older) used to get me to sit on his lap or sit near him, and he would ‘tickle me’ down there. I would often close my legs super tight and he would try to pry them open to continue tickling.

At first I just thought it was weird tickling behaviour (even though a lot of the time it didn’t feel like tickling) and would try to avoid him and play with his sister, or just leave and find my brother or an adult. When I started getting older, I became more bothered and would say no. I tried to avoid him even though we visited that house often.

I remember once I was swimming and he kept trying to do it in the pool. He would hold me and force me to stay. It ended with me starting a splashing game to get him to stop, which he did.

I vividly remember a certain look/way he would approach me that told me he was going to start again, but I can’t remember a lot of what happened. Why can’t I remember all the times it happened or how it would start? I couldn’t even tell you how long it went on for. At least 2 years I would think. I don’t even know if he did anything else to me. I remember feeling very powerless.

I think the last straw was when he started doing it at my own house, he tried to do it with my brother in the same room (he wasn’t paying attention and I think just thought he was playing) I eventually kicked him really hard and told my brother to tell him to stop. I yelled at him. My brother told him to stop bothering him.

It wasn’t long after that that I told my mom and she took it extremely seriously. Got me psychological help, told his parents (we found out later that the dad knew he was doing it. The boy was doing this to other girls as well)

She ended her friendship with them and we never saw the family again. My brother was upset at first and I felt so ashamed for breaking him and my brother up. I always felt like the adults around me felt pity or were disgusted by me.

I still really downplay it. I had to look up if it was even assault..

Did a shrink help you unlock any extra memories, or do they come on their own?

If anyone has a similar story and wants to talk, feel free to send me a pm or comment. I’ve never met anyone that’s experienced this (that I know of).

   Apologies in advance for this being so long. This whole story is basically just stuff I’ve never told anyone so it’s a lot to get off my chest. I’m not really looking for advice, or sympathy, or anything else I’ve read in the comments of other peoples posts. I don’t associate with anyone I’ll be writing about and I’d like to say I’m pretty good at dealing with heavy things on my own. I’m really just posting so I can finally say it. And I’d also like to think by me saying it, someone else who’s reading won’t feel alone. 
  

     (F 21) I’ve lived in the same condo complex all my life so growing up I had plenty of kids around my age living around me, and it being like 2010-2012 I spent most of my time outside with my friends. I had 4 male friends at the time all around the same age as me. (If you don’t want to do math I was 7-9 and they were all 7-11, but no more than a 2 year age gap for all of us, just to give an idea) Because I grew up with them, I unintentionally became way more sexual as a kid than I should’ve. 

I have countless stories of times they coerced me into doing sexual things, but a lot of these times I was also a very willing participant, all of us being young and curious with no idea of what was inappropriate and what’s not. Those include kissing, looking at each others bodies, and watching porn. There was one particular boy I was more close to and “dated” multiple times during these days. I’ll call him Sean for the story. With him living 5 doors down from me, and his family living longer there than mine had, we basically grew up together. He was only 6 months older than me and by the time we were probably 5 years old, we had gotten pretend married for anyone in the neighborhood who would watch. He was my best friend. Sean also has a lot of mental problems. His dad has huge anger problems, and I think they passed down to him. Even in my teen years when he still lived here I could hear him having screaming matches with his dad most nights. But there was also a lot more he was dealing with in his family, which I have never known about, but there was something that happened one day that gave me a pretty good idea about it.
One day when we were both 8 years old, we were doing what we would do any other day. Climbing trees, playing at the park at our complex, and exploring the surrounding woods. While we were in the woods, we got to a spot where no surrounding house was visible. We were kissing a little and I’m not sure how it got this far or why I just let it happen, but suddenly he was pulling down my pants. I just went along with it like it was normal, but then he said something to me that I can not forget no matter how hard I try. “I want to show you something my grandfather did to me.” And suddenly, it was just, in there. And nothing about me will ever be the same. Now at 21 years old, I work in a childcare center with an after school program. I look at those kids, the same age as I was, and silently wonder how at that age, when I was that young, how I could’ve went through all those years. All those experiences I shouldn’t have had for another decade. Why didn’t I do anything to stop it. I went through all of that still with a smile on my face, lying to my mom when she got home from work about what I did all day so that I wouldn’t get in trouble. 8 year old me didn’t deserve that.

My younger sister has sexually harassed/assaulted me countless times since I was around 5 or 6 years old, I obviously can’t remember most of the times clearly since a lot of them were small things that eventually ended up adding up to impact as bigger things would but it clearly has messed with me. My mom keeps getting mad at me because I don’t want my sister near me or touching me, I will lash out and punch my sister when I don’t want her near me when I’m in my bedroom and I even physically have to push her off of my bed at times. I don’t want anything to do with my sister due to the things she’s done to me and the fact that she’s a bad person in general. My mom never believes me when I tell her that my sister has done things to me, she thinks it’s insignificant even though I’m very clearly mentally scarred. I had realized a few years ago what was wrong with what my sister was doing and I’m certain that she had definitely caused me significant trauma. My mom often said that there’s a problem with my brain, that my sister has done no wrong but I am fully aware of what has happened to me.

Triggers: incest, neglect, child on child Sa ( or not Idk if that counts, but I described it pretty graphically so I want you people's to stay safe. I really just need a outsider vision on this)

For starters, English is my second language, and my native language is brazilian portuguese, so don't expect too much on the whole thing.

But the thing started when I was nine, my cousin who was eleven at the time passed suggestive comments, that I didn't get it on the time. One day when I was 10 and he 12, my grandma and other family members went to slaughter a pig leaving me, him, and my two other younger cousins, M and J, once he made sure M and J wasn't on sight he pinned me down on the bed and sort of humped me from the behind, no penetration or anything like that, I was scared to say the least, and I pushed and tried to ran off, that's when I grabbed M from her room and locked ourselves in the bathroom, she doesn't remember that because she was too young, meaning my only proof is my word against his.

When I told my family when I was 14 they brushed me off saying that he was that way, and I shouldn't care. I don't know what to do even nowadays (17) I still pretty much traumatized.

First, hello, and sorry for the somewhat (I suppose) annoying question. It’s just pretty important for me to know, as it’s something that I discovered only recently.

I, a few days ago, had a memory back from when I was 6-8 (I don’t remember precisely as I lost a lot of my memories from my childhood but I was too young to know about sex).

My cousin (f) who was 2 years older than me and used to physically abuse me in secret (I don’t remember either, my parents just have footage of it happening and caught her multiple times bullying me) once told me she had “something to show me”. She asked me to undress, panties included and basically showed me how to scissor (this is so weird to tell, I’m sorry). I was definitely set back and weirded out but as I don’t remember explicitly saying no, she kept going anyways. She added “it’s how sex works, but when it’s a man you have a peepee in there too”.

It’s only years later that I recall it. I’m now 20 and she’s 22.

I am undergoing therapy due to sexual trauma (reasons unknown yet).

Was it COCSA?

I don't know if I was assaulted or not because everyone keeps telling me it wasn't, because he was a kid, so there was no malicious intent. I (8 at the time) was touched by a neighborhood kid (7 at the time.) I was under the influence of a concussion, and I was going along because, well, I was naive. This happened over the course of a entire summer. We would play sexual games and he would make comments about me. I'm scared when I see him and cover my body. I have panic attacks sometimes about certain things that make me remember him. Recently I've started to have memories upsurface of him on top of me, and from time to time I feel something repeatingly going inside of me, along with hands on my body. I dunno if that's just my OCD though. Was I assaulted?

TW for possible COCSA, slight mentions of parental neglect, and general taboo-ness

So you may have seen my story before, but for those who may have not, one of my earliest “memories” is possibly being sexually abused by my older sister.

The memory is fuzzy, but I remember the before and after SUPER vividly. I remember specifically being in a pool in our backyard, (I could still show you exactly where I was) and the idea of recreating a marriage scene from a show came up. I think I remember kissing, then the next thing I remember is looking through the back door to see if I was safe and if anyone saw what was going on.

So all in all, I guess it wasn’t really THAT bad, but with that said the only things I remember from being that young are when I was in fear. I remember basically nothing positive from that part of my life.

I also grew up with EXTREMELY strict, but also somewhat neglectful parents. I go into that more on a post from a bit back on this account. Basically, I was on my own in my teen years but with no outlets.

However, in my puberty years, there were a few times I m*sturbated to fantasies of my sister and wanted her to do things to me. I feel literally evil and disgusting having typed that out. I genuinely do not know what I was thinking. She would also flaunt herself and I think sit on my lap sometimes.

What the fuck is wrong with me? It stopped as I got older, and it wasn’t even like I wanted to actually do anything with her, I remember I specifically wanted her to do things TO me, and I had no other outlet due to the level of restrictions my parents imposed with no explanation.

Why why why why why why why the fuck did I do that!????!!!! I don’t understand!!! If there is anything from my past I’d get rid of if I could, it would be that. I’m so disgusted by myself.

I would do anything to remember what truly happened and if I was genuinely traumatized or not.