I(M) was 11, he was 13 when it began. We were best friends from birth, and spent alot of time together. We were already used to changing in front of each other to go swim etc, the usual stuff.

It kinda developed on it's own, without speaking about it at all. it began with masturbating together, and then went forward from there.

We never spoke about it, not once, but kept doing it. Neither him nor I coerced each other into doing anything, it was absolutely casual and literally became routine at some point. At the time, I didn't think anything bad about it, I was considering it to be "normal", and other than the fear of getting caught (massively homophobic country/family), I was just fine.

It went on for two years, then I had to move to another city. We did keep frequent contact, chatted and played games together, but after some time, I realized what we did bothered me very much. I didn't blame him, he wasn't a perpetrator, like I said, absolutely nothing was forced/coerced.

Looking back at that time, I was going through a VERY hard time, tons of family issues plus financial issues, and my father was a single man looking after his son and daughter, which was extremely rare at the time (still is.)

I think it was a way of coping with my life for me, and once I got away from that situation, I began to notice how it fucked me up. I began puberty at 8, started masturbating around 10, and it began when I was 11.

I had trouble processing and understanding what we did a couple of years ago, and it sent me down a rabbit whole trying to figure out what *exactly* it was. Ever since that, I haven't thought about it alot, although it popped up on my mind every now and then.

Then today, out of nowhere, a thought made me freeze up. I was repeatedly raped for 2 years. It didn't matter if it was consensual, and I don't feel like the fact that I was completely okay with it at the time matters now, and I don't think it was his fault either, I've got no anger/resentment towards him.

It's just that, my childhood was so fucked up that I had to resort(I don't know if this is the right word to use.) to something like this.

When that thought hit me, I had a panic attack in the middle of a classroom, thankfully I was able to control it long enough to not attract any unwanted attention. I have been feeling dizzy and been wanting to throw up ever since. I cannot fucking believe I willingly got raped. for 2 years.

Now one thing has been on my mind. Is this actual sexual assault? did we both SA each other for 2 fucking years? I definitely feel "contaminated" right now. This realization had a massive impact on me, and I'm trying to figure out what I went through is.

So I'm 13 and I'm from a pretty religious and sheltered house where talking about anything sexual is very taboo, so I'm not really educated about any of that stuff at all and I can't really find any information about it since my Internet is heavly restricted, though I'm not sure how this place managed to get through

I have a step sister who's 16 and we've been living together practically all my life since our parents got married when I was 6, since then we were always pretty close and she was more of a friend than a sister. But she's always been kind of touchy, from when she first moved in until I was 11 she made me sleep with her and cuddle with her and she'd touch me slightly inappropriately, and when I was I think about 7, one of my earliest memories was of her telling my how kissing works and doing it with me and other scenarios like watching me while I shower

When I started going through puberty about a year ago my sister taken alot more intrest in me asking things like do I have any crushes and if I look at porn or touch myself, things along those lines and she'd do things like grope me

Then a couple months ago when I came back from school one day and took my shower right away and when I came out she was waiting for me and told me to sit next to her. She grabbed my towel off me and threw it across the room and pushed me down onto the bed and did some stuff to me but nothing too graphic. I was just confused and sort of scared since I didn't really know what was happening at the time and I just made up excused that she was just playing with me in my head since things like that is pretty normalised between girls in my culture. She touched me almost every day after school but she never made me take of my clothes like the first time and she'd even do it in front of my best friend so I though it was normal. But a few days ago she put something (I think it's called a toy?) inside me and I hated it so much, it didn't hurt as bad as I though ti would but it was super uncomfortable and felt like I was choking and she didn't stop even ofter I was crying and I knew something was wrong and I borrowed my friends phone to do research about it and that's when I learned about sex and some things relating ot it. I kind of just wanted to vent because I'm not sure what to do. I told my dad that someone touched me but I didn't say who and he badicly told me thst I was lying for attention and that even if it did happen I was old enough to know what I want and that he doesn't want a whore in his house and things like that. I guess he is kind of right thst I'm old enough to know what I want and I do try and dress nicer when I know my sisters going to be around all day but I'm nor sure what to think.

She says that I wanted her since I'd always been overly affectionate and didn't have a problem with nudity around how but I don't know how that's related, I guees it is partially my fault but I'm still not sure what to think or do. I can't tell a teacher because I'm not close to any of them, same thing with my extended family members and I only have a younger sister and she can't do anything. I'm also a girl and getting caught having gay sex is criminal in my country (I checked) and I don't want my sister to get in trouble since 16 is considered legally adult. Then again they'll probably not charge her since thing like this has happened in the past but where let of the hook since being gay is seen as inherently immoral here

I guess I just feel dumb for not noticing anything earlier and now I can't do anything about it

Recently, a clip from (I think) bad girls club came out where Chrisean is talking to her sister (I think) about how Chrisean was assaulted when she was 7 by her sister. I remember seeing that clip and my heart dropped. Memories came back and I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I felt so horrible for Chrisean and I remembered the same thing happened to me around the same age. My sister would only play with me as a kid if we played how she liked to play. I would always have to play a male character and hit on her then she would take me to her room and made me do things to her. I feel so gross thinking of it now and I feel so betrayed. This was going on for a couple years, I don’t know the exact age but my sister is older than me by one year. I just think about how she knew about that stuff and who was doing that to her? Kids don’t learn that from nowhere.

Im an 18 year old male and I have had a history of past sexual abuse. Oral, anal, and full on sex was what I experienced at around 6-8 yrs old from a person that was over 8 years older than me. Given that age, I definitely had no idea what was going on and after the fact, it gave me the idea all the way up until 11 or 12 that this behavior was perfectly ok. Around age 8, I experiment with a same sex peer and talking about, "hey this is what I'm gonna do with my girlfriend when I get older." Things died down then until I was 10, where my 3rd cousin who was 9 at the time kind of coerced me into giving him a bj. I say kind of because I'm not sure if I'm to blame because I was a few months older.

I intially said no and this resulted in peer pressure from him. His father was around in the house at the time but I didn't bother because no kid wants to talk about that stuff, plus my family was extremely strict and I would get beat a lot over little things. Troubled family and troubled household. This resulted in him making efforts to hit me, I was not a fighter at all, I hated getting hit. I asked him what I would need to do to get him to leave me alone and he wanted me to crawl to his room and he would stop. As soon as I did, he shut the door and wouldn't let me out.

I eventually gave in and did it for a few seconds until I couldn't take it anymore and he finally let me out. Part of me feels guilty saying I should've fought back, but the other part of me says I shouldn't feel ashamed because I had the door shut on me and he was standing in front of it, plus his father was there, so who knows what punishment I'd receive had I fought back and possibly lied upon. But given past sexual activity, I was convinced this was ok because he also told me "hey this ok because I've done this older people, it's fine."

Around the same time this also effected school, because peers also expressed abnormal sexual behavior such as talking about how they would get bjs from people and making sex jokes towards their pets, also fucking objects too. I thought this was ok because I immediately turned to what happened in these 3 events I mentioned. I don't wanna blame my 3rd cousin for what he did, he was convinced by older people that this behavior was ok and the entire incident, he treated it like a complete joke and playing around. But I'm certain given age, he didn't understand, nor did I. And it makes me wonder just how many kids experiment with things they shouldn't such as peer family members or maybe a pet or sum like that because they suffered from sexual abuse from an older individual, and unknowingly abused others. He has a gf now and seems happy and doesn't remember, probably best.

Hello,

For periods I get difficulties handling stress and having kinks, especially when there is a lot of pressure. I have a full life, a lot of friends and am quite busy, but still I have periods of feeling lonely and wrong in my life, as if I were acting out a role all the time. In this periods I get a bit hypersexual and I have self destructive thoughts. It is so different from Who I seem to be in my life and I think it is not so healthy. In real life I can't talk about that stuff so that is why I am writing here. Sometimes my coping strategies don't work and that is when I get into self destructive thoughts and behaviours.

My bf told me about the trauma he was put through and later revealed it’s a person he still interacts with willingly.

I’m not trying to air out my bfs trauma i would never wish to do that but it concerns me that he still involves this person in his daily life and still goes to this person to hang with him for hours.

Idk why it upsets me more than it does him but i just don’t understand it. I know ppl deal with traumas differently but he has a bad habit of trusting ppl who have done him dirty and he doesn’t realize it until i bring it to his attention but then he’ll go back to hanging with them bc “i’ve known them since the sandbox” does knowing some one for a long time really excuse the trauma they’ve instilled in you.

I think my reason for it bothering me more than him is bc i constantly wonder if this person will assault him again and if my bf is just letting it happen.

I’m sorry if this is the wrong subreddit for this but I was coerced/groomed to kiss 19 year old boys when I was 14 years old and I think I’m just starting to stumble onto how much it fucked me up.

I’m also pretty sure my brother did something violating to me but I can’t recall it. I just recall him wrestling me in inappropriate ways from like puberty, onward (I’m assigned female at birth, now identify as non-binary) and I was very interested in penises from like age 9 onward.

I also recall him seemingly like trying to walk in on me kissing/touching people when I was in high school…

my father lived in my house but was extremely distant and rarely spoke to me and was very emotionally cold.

Thank you for letting me share this so I can gradually try to recall.

I wish all of you peace, love, and healing ❤️‍🩹

I was SA’d at 13 by another 13 year old. It was confusing because it felt so consensual and normal on the surface in the moment, and I enjoyed and looked forward to the sex. However, I was in no way mentally prepared to handle it at this age as I was unaware I was gay and had never had a crush and the sexual abuse caused me to become EXTREMELY. confused about my sexuality as I had no opportunity to discover my homosexuality on my own and come to terms with it on my own. Instead, I was overwhelmed with sexual urges which completely took me over when the abuse ended at 15 and I no longer had a person to have sex with. I became hypersexual and hid online looking for answers to my sexuality and staying up till 3:30 am on school nights for months at a time masterbating and looking for a replacement abuser. And because I was gay, I did not have the option to look for relationships in real life further complicating things because the internet was the only place I could be my self. Fast forward to 21 and years of struggling, I realized that he manipulated me and groomed me to sex which felt natural but was completely unconsentual and sexual abuse even if I liked it and looked forward to the sex.

I finally am deciding to just call my self hyper-sexual from all of this to describe the wide array of issues I have, and I am wondering if anyone else became hyper-sexual from their sa and how they managed it. My problem is the 6 years of false information about this being consensual age it ended engrained really bad habits and coping strategies in my head that seem hard to overcome. Has anyone else dealt with this and how did you handle it?

So, Hi guys! I'm (F17) new here and I just wanted to share yall something bc I can't get this out of my head. Last week, my mom told me something and it was about me when I was younger. As a kid, we rent for houses a lot and until I was 12, we weren't able to live in a house that we own. When I was about 4, I could still remember that I played a lot with the son of our landlady until I stopped hanging out with him because my mom refused to let me. I was so confused about that and didn't know what the reason is until last week when my mom told me the reason. The landlady's son was about 4-8 years older than me at that time. For clarification, I can vaguely remember how we played before. All that I could remember is that I played a lot with his toy cars and he is sometimes rude to me that I would always do my best to please him so that he'd not be rude to me. I could also remember the time he knocked on our gate and taught me to steal the keys from my mom so that we could play in their house, but my mom caught him and she asked him to leave. Those are only the things that I could remember and the rest is blurred in my memory.

So the story starts when I went with my mom to go the landlady's house to pay our rent at that month. I started to play with the landlady's son upstairs while my mom and our landlady at that time were talking about the rent and some stuff. (This is what my mom told me) So the interval between the 1st and the 2nd floor of their house isn't that far and big so you could easily hear what was going on upstairs. As we were playing, my mom told me that the landlady's son tried to get me half naked, (he already removed my pants and he was trying to remove my underwear next) so I screamed "mom!" for help, (I was trained by my mother to yell her name whenever I feel uncomfortable or unsafe) so my mother immediately ran upstairs and saw what the landlady's son was doing to me. After that, my mom told me that she put my clothes back on and told the landlady about what's happening but the landlady did not believe her bc she knew that we were just "playing". My mom also told me that she's always confused about me having scratches on my chest and having a few bruises on some parts of my body whenever I come home from their house.

After I heard this story from my mom, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I wonder if I was actually SA'd by him? or maybe it was just some prank or stuff? I'm overthinking and I hope that I wasn't actually SA'd.

PS. Please don't judge me for overthinking about something that happened years ago. I couldn't help it and I just wanted to let this all out. I also had fantasies/imaginations of getting sa'd or having intercourse at the age of 9 which is really weird and I think this story that my mom told me is the reason. I'm still confused and I hope that I didn't actually get sa'd.

My brother was manipulating, molesting, raping and showing me porn from age 8 to age 12. When I was 10 or 11, I had told a friend/neighbor about the molestation only. She was too young for such information and I didn't know that I shouldn't have exposed her to such a horrible thing. She went and told one of her family members who told my mother. She talked to him and said "if you continue with this behavior, you could go to jail." Nothing else was done or said for about a year or 2 (everything is fuzzy for me) when I was on a trip and I mentioned my period was late. My period is always late and I didn't know that a late period could mean pregnancy, not that I could have been as the rape was strictly anal. Guess he knew what could have happened. The person supervising the group I was in overheard and saw my behavior around my brother. She put it together and called CPS. My mother had no issue with telling anyone and everyone who would listen to her sob story about how her precious son has to be locked up and she had no idea what was happening. She's a narcissist. She told the neighbor as well that he said he would do it whenever he felt like it. I knew that this was the case based on the frequency and randomness of it. But to actually hear it in words is different. I feel disgusting all over again. I have no therapist and I guess I'm just processing, so here I am. If you read this far, wow. Thank you I guess.

So. Yeah basically the title. I'm 22 currently. my elder sister(rn 24) and aunt( dad's brothers wife) sexually abused me in my childhood. My mom is not aware of this at this moment. Thing is my aunt frequently visits our home and my mom talks to her and I feel so disgused.

So I'm planning I'll tell my mom how this aunt and elder sister abused me in childhood. Then can I expect my mom to stop talking to this aunt and her other daughter ( basically my elder sister- her daughter) who abused me?

And if she still talks to her then I'm planning to cut my relations with my mom.

What I'm thinking/ expecting is okay??

This pops into my head from tome to time, and recently I mustered up the courage to tell my boyfriend about my intrusive thoughts as a kid. I have OCD and was raped at 9. I know that intrusive thoughts are common, I get them all the time, and that they’re normal for kids with OCD. But starting from when I was like 4 up until maybe age 10 or something, every night before bed and sometimes just randomly I would imagine these grotesque scenarios of myself from the third person. I don’t want to get too into detail but like being tied up and having bad sexual stuff done to me by somebody. I know that some sexual thoughts are normal as a kid, but why was I 4 thinking about this shit every night and so detailed??? Like how could it be so detailed and why could I physically feel it as I imagined it???

This pops into my head from tome to time, and recently I mustered up the courage to tell my boyfriend about my intrusive thoughts as a kid. I have OCD and was raped at 9. I know that intrusive thoughts are common, I get them all the time, and that they’re normal for kids with OCD. But starting from when I was like 4 up until maybe age 10 or something, every night before bed and sometimes just randomly I would imagine these grotesque scenarios of myself from the third person. I don’t want to get too into detail but like being tied up and having bad sexual stuff done to me by somebody. I know that some sexual thoughts are normal as a kid, but why was I 4 thinking about this shit every night and so detailed??? Like how could it be so detailed and why could I physically feel it as I imagined it???

TW: Covert SA, groping

I posted this on r/sexualassault too but here we go

So I (16F) was 10 when this boy (9M back then) would likely be nice or slanderous towards me and he had an adult with him most of the recesses and the adult explained to me that he is on the spectrum but showed disapproval when that boy would misbehave.

Later on, he would likely be inappropriate? The incidents are:

1. Commenting on my developing chest and how milk comes out of them (they don’t)

2. Commenting on me being fucked

3. One time, he elbowed on my developing chest and one time, he squished it

4. One time he had a meltdown in the school’s kitchen, the adult mentioned trying to calm him down and saw me (the boy), he wished rape on me.

I have been told it was COCSA but I’m not sure.

Just want to know as I’m still coming to terms with it and could do with some support🖤

F22.

I cut my older sister off a couple of years ago when I realized what she did to me was abuse. the thing that always bothered me through my realizations, she was still touching me before her own abuse. it made me angry when my parents treated her abuse more seriously. things got taken to court etc etc, but i could never feel bad for her. i still don't sometimes. i love my niece though, and i was always nervous something was gonna happen to her (guess i was the exception) but it has effected me so much. i'm still a virgin, and as much as i want to feel that form of intmacy with somebody it triggers me and grosses me out. and it doesn't matter the gender either. i feel bad for having sexual thoughts while i also feel like she was old enough to fucking know better. she's just now taken accountability after gaslighting me and calling me a liar and it never happened. i don't hate her, i don't want nothing bad to happen to her. i don't want her to hurt because the sad truth is that she was my big sister. she loved me and i loved her. idk. just felt like ranting.

I was 12 desperate for love due to my family problems and started dating a 14/15 year old. He would always ask for naked pictures of me and if I didn't he would either beg or say I don't love him. I never wanted to send pictures but I ended up doing it for the love. When we was physically together, he would want to do certain things. A few was consensual to get what i thought was love but the rest was him forcing it until he realize it wasn't fun anymore.

I just want a answer because I am genuinely needing of answers. (And apparently I can't spell Cocsa)

TW: Details of sexual abuse and bullying

I 19M am having doubts about my abuse and it's driving me insane. I just need to give my story so I can have someone please validate me.

It all happened with a boy (12M then) who we will call Luke and me (age 9 then). We used to play with the other kids who were closer in age to me. However, the kid has severe anger issues and he starts to bully and torment me.

Like he would insult me try and divert other kids attention away from me. He would insult me and make fun of me and I would beg for him to stop. He would (non-sexually) harass me just to intimidate me for no reason. He once punched me hard in the face. His friends his age would also harass me and once punched me hard in the arm in a specifc spot to cause a lot of pain and then would laugh about it. I would hide from him and he would call me a chicken.

Then we made "peace". We then became "friends" and I saw him as like a cool older brother. However, I was well aware of his capability to get angry and I was still scared of him when he gets angry so I also walked on egg shells around him.

Then he asks me if I want to have "gay sex". I reluctantly agree, but I think he's joking. He takes me to a secluded area and starts to give me oral sex and make mouth contact with other areas and touches me in sensitive areas too. I found it uncomfortable but didn't initially say anything. Then later on he asks for "gay sex" again. I keep saying I don't want to and he starts nagging me then he starts to sound angry. Me knowing what he is like when angry I concede and let him do what he wants.

This happens multiple times over the course of a year. Then I move away (I was 10 and Luke 13 by then) ending the abuse. I didn't understand what was going on but it felt wrong, uncomfortable and I hated it.

However there is 1 incident that I remember very well. I remember once me and my friends made him angry. He is very angry at us. He makes peace with the others without them needing to do anything. However not me. He continues getting angry and I'm very scared. He says in order to be "friends" again I have to have "gay sex" again with him. I beg him not too and that I don't wanna do it but I wanna be "friends". He doesn't budge and I give up and let him do what he wants.

Some other notes are that he once told me he is trying to get his little sister to flash once (she is my age). He also bashed a nerf gun into a kids head once and he also once tried to get me to lift my shirt up to one of the kids too. However that kid isn't actually involved in the abuse and has done nothing wrong.

When I was 5-6 my brother would touch me inappropriately and make me look at his private parts on multiple occasions. The thing is he’s only a year and a half older than me so I feel like I can’t blame him. What he did left me feeling so ashamed as a child I remember thinking I was disgusting and that I would go to hell and I had to take it to my grave. I kinda tried to forget about it for most of my childhood and me and my brother have always been close we still hangout a lot. Sometimes I’ll remember what happened when I’m around him and I’ll feel disgusted with myself. Like how can I continue to interact with him when we both know what he did. I’ve never told anyone about this and ik he didn’t do anything awful but it always comes up in my head and will ruin my whole day. He’s never apologized or acknowledged the fact that it happened it’s just been swept under the rug. I’m 18 now and just starting to realize how badly this has affected me throughout my life. I know that he must’ve gone through something to make him do that to me but I also can’t help but hate him for it sometimes.

Ive tried distancing myself from him but the whole family gets mad and asks me why im being petty and not talking to my brother. I don’t want to tell them because I’m not sure if it’s that big of a deal and I don’t want to cause drama. The reason I’m thinking about this so much is because I had a dream a couple days ago that he raped me and it’s even harder to be around him now I feel disgusting and sick. Should I just cut him out of my life?? I really don’t know

I’ll make it short I really am just looking for advice. My sister made me perform acts on her and vice versa when I was around 7-9 and she was 4 years older it happened on more then one ocasion. At the time I thought nothing of it and I don’t think she pressured me but it has affected me. I have never told anyone about it and me and her have never spoken about it. I am wondering if this is COCSA?

I had been friends with this boy since birth because our mums were also really good friends, which also meant we were around each other all the time. I would be around his house every day for about 2 hours after school from the ages of 7-11 because my mum had work and couldn’t pick me up so I didn’t really have a choice.

When we were around 7 we would play games like truth or dare, it started out very fun and innocent until he started making the ‘dares’ more inappropriate basing what the dares he would make me do off of things he had found on YouTube. This escalated from touching to him SAing me on a regular basis.

The thing is, immediately after I stopped going to his house it stopped and we haven’t really spoken since. As we live in a very small community we have quite a few mutual friends and from what I’ve heard he’s an amazing guy now and I feel horrible associating him with things he did when we were kids, even though it still affects me now.

The other thing is that our mums are still best friends and are even closer than they were before so while we don’t speak, I’m around him pretty often and it’s so uncomfortable. I’ve never told anyone about this and only two of my incredibly close friends know what happened, not who did it, because they were both friends with him in the past. I feel like I can’t tell anyone in my personal life what happened because it will affect him and his life even though what happened was years ago and he’s a decent guy now.

Sorry if the grammar and stuff in this is bad I’m pretty tired lol.

So often when people mention cocsa they say that “both are children and the abuser probably learned that from someone else.” Which is true, but I feel like it takes away from the responsibility of the abusive party. I just feel like there is some nuance when the abuser is a child in their teens or tweens, abusing someone under 10. There’s a huge difference in development and sex education, so when a 12 year old does that to a 4 year old or even a 9 year old who hasn’t even gotten to take sex Ed classes, just saying they were both children doesn’t quite sit right with me.

i just watched baby reindeer and i was assaulted over a year ago but it just brought everything back. i was doing okay with the martha stuff but when they showed everything with darrien it drove me to tears.

im a trans man and i used to have a super close friend. like we met when we were about 7 and 8 (she was a year older) and we were best friends for years. we got older together, i was kind of sheltered and she had always had unrestricted access to the internet, so she told me about sex, queer people, etc. as we got older we went in sort of different directions but we were still super close. we went to different schools and she made friends with a different sort of people to me. people who vaped and did drugs and snuck out of their parents house (by this point we're 13 and 14). i was ok with that, and then she started to get into drugs and we would have sleepovers where we got high and shit and tbh it was a lot of fun.

i dont really hang out with a lot of people who do that sort of stuff so she was my only source and i found myself going over there a lot. i was there roughly every 2 weeks and at first it was just weed and vapes but then she got prescription meds like speed. we were the kind of friends who joked about sex and stuff together and slapped each others asses.

one night we got really high and drunk and we started doing stuff. i was ok with it at first but soon i didnt want to anymore. her mum was there but it was the middle of the night and she was a very deep sleeper and on the other side of the house. i yelled for her to stop but she didnt and the last thing i remember is crawling under the covers. i hate that i dont know what happened when i was out and the implications of the feeling that something had been in me. i got up in the morning and it came to me throughout the next few days, still kind of a zombie. i didnt feel like myself i felt like i was trying to act like i was for the week after. she didnt remember anything from that night. eventually i stopped feeling like a zombie but i still felt wrong.

this is where the similarities to baby reindeer came. beforehand, i didnt know what i was because i hadnt done anything sexual. i figured i liked women and men. but afterwards, i craved it. i hated it and i needed it. i got into nonconsensual porn vids (not actual ones, ones done consensually by actors for people who were into that sort of thing but still) and i liked it but god i felt horrible. after i was done i would just sit there and cry or feel bad for myself or try to go to sleep and forget it ever happened. i couldnt focus on my schoolwork and my grades dropped and the world just seemed worse. i developed bulimia (that had already been brewing for a while but it got a lot more intense) and cutting and burning myself and sure, i had other reasons and i was already self harming a bit, just stuff like making the shower too hot or digging my fingernails into my thighs, but she tipped me over the edge. i felt ruined, spoiled, used, tainted, broken. im eating okay now and i dont really self harm anymore but i still feel shit about it and i still struggle with relationships. im just trying not to think about it so i probably shouldnt have watched a show about a similar thing but idk. anyways, i watched it all in one sitting and now im crying because damn its accurate (to my experience at least). in the end i would watch it again. theres a happy ending and eventually he feels better, so i have hope.

I’m not very good with connecting what the actual time in my life these memories took place but I’ll try my best to guesstimate ages. I can remember the first encounter a lot better than most because of how many there were but around when I was 7 years old my cousin who was very close in age to me had me give him head and he did the same for me in return. I can’t remember having any reservations about it but I was at least aware enough to know it would be bad for anyone to find out. I wouldn’t call my cousin an abuser by any means but he has always been a kind of dominant and convincing me to get into things so I know he was generally the instigator at first. But for years we never got caught and it just became a normal thing that we would do at sleepovers and when together alone. The longer it went on for I definitely ended up being more into it than he was as I ended up gay and he’s straight. Around the age of 11 we had eventually started doing anal but it was very uncommon and sits the same with me as anything else we had been doing. The relationship somewhat ended after being caught once probably around 12. Sleepovers almost never happened after and we just stopped communicating at all cause this was before either of us even had phones. The only reason I would call this “abuse” possibly is because of the effects on my sexuality that was 100% caused by what we were doing. The near constant sexual activity has absolutely caused me to be hyper sexual, hooking up with one or more strangers a night regularly (am 17). And an uncomfortable desensitization to incest I’d rather not be a part of me. Now that my brains more developed than an elementary schoolers i definitely feel disgusting and ashamed of the entire experience. I wouldn’t say I was actually traumatized directly by anything that happened but the memories are definitely not fun. Likely why I can hardly remember anything before high school. Most recent encounter was freshman year I’m ashamed to say. We were both intoxicated but he was again the initiator. I cope by saying I’d blow anyone in front of me drunk which is true but I should really have the ability to say no to advances atp. Before that it had been a couple of years sense anything and I’m planning on keeping it that way now. I’ve never talked about it even once with him but acting like nothing ever happened seems to work fine for both of us.

Kind of went on a long rant but I’ve never really thought very hard about the whole experience or put any of it into words.

I'd heard the term COCSA floating around online before, but only yesterday I actually looked up the term and realized it applied to me. I've struggled for a long time with what happened to me when I was young, and a big part of that was not having the vocabulary to really explain it. Especially since it wasn't by someone a lot older than me; the only cases I'd known about CSA happened between a child and someone much older than them.

When I moved to my new house at age 5, we had neighbors there who I loved to play with. They were 9, 6 and 3 (give or take) and I mainly played with the 6 year old. We were only 10 months or so apart in age, and she was my best friend. We played together at my house for years, and I learned a lot from her, though a lot of our time spent together is fuzzy now. Though notably, at some point she'd ask to start having sex with me. This portion of my memory is especially blurry, and I don't remember how far we went, but I do remember some things.

It was a secret thing that I couldn't tell anyone about (though mostly out of shame and the assumption that I'd get in trouble for mentioning sex to an adult) and I remember she'd set up a little princess tent I had in my closet so we'd be hidden while we did it. We'd often have to shoo away our siblings so we could be left alone during it. I remember always getting something wrong during it, and she'd have to correct me. Among the few things I remember, I do remember near always being on the bottom, and she'd be on top of me doing whatever to me. The time frame is really blurry, though I do remember it only stopped when she and her family moved away. I think we knew eachother for a total of 2-3 years, so that's my guess as to how long it went on.

I remember at some point I decided to try telling my mom. The issue, however, was that I thought I would get in trouble if I said the word "sex" to her. My motivation in telling her was less because I was uncomfortable with what was going on, but more that it was a secret and I could not keep a secret for the life of me. I hated having secrets, so I went to tell her about it. To me, I was snitching on something perfectly fine and I was being a jerk for it. Anyways, I pretty clearly remember shakily approaching her while she was on the couch and trying to explain what was going on. I kept spelling out the word as s-e-x, and calling it "woo-hooing" as they do in The Sims since that was my favorite game at the time. It was a long conversation that left both me and my mom frustrated since she couldn't tell what I was on about. I don't know if she understood what I meant by the end, and I don't know if my friend ever got in trouble.

I had a similar experience with a cousin around this time too (also same age as me) but we never went through with anything. I tried telling my mom about this too in a second conversation, but it went a lot like the one above, and nothing came out it.

I've had a lot of trouble really identifying what happened to me as abuse since it was by someone the same age as me, and looking back at her home life I can almost guarantee she was just repeating what happened to her at home. Though by reading up on what others have said here, I've felt a lot more at peace recognizing that this wasn't just normal kid's curiousity, and wouldn't have happened if she herself hadn't been abused/influenced etc.. Also that it was a 'secret' thing that I couldn't tell anyone about, and something I kind of Had to do with her. I didn't have much of a choice.

So I'll keep it short, I was assaulted a lot in a big time span by 2 different persons,one pinned me down while doing everything and the other forced me like "oh please it's nothing we can have sex it's not a big deal and that" and after I don't know how many times him saying this I gave in. Now if in COCSA no one is the actual abuser because of the age what will you say about this, let's remove the 2nd one for a bit because me being a kid surrendered too soon and maybe he must regret it today that what he did as a kid but the first one pinned me by force what about that

What I want to say is not all cases of COCSA have both kids as the abused, sometimes because of the lack in upbringing the kid does a lot of bad stuff to someone that people like me have to live with

I still hear these sentences in my head like yesterday. This is the help and the support I got when I told it to anybody. My father was rather disappointed than supportive because of the fact I didn't tell him. Despite his homophobic attitude towards me. He told me that his problem is that I did not tell him.

I would have told anybody If I had known that time what CoCSA is. I thought it is normal that I only get attention by him if I do sexual things with him. It felt like my fault because he offered me to watch him playing on his PSP that time (before or after I had to do the even weirdest things with him, including fetishes like getting peed etc.) If he would bully me, trying to make me unpopular by MY friends by telling false accuses I would rather make myself responsible for it than him. I had nobody that time. I had to study hard in school and obey the strict rules in the children's home what sometimes didn't even make sense to me. I felt ashamed that I even let me abuse by him despite it was HIS idea and HE made me do these things. The first time I talked about it first time at 14, like seven years ago because I read a book about CSA that time but nobody wanted to hear me there.

I don't care if my abuser was abused, too. I don't care how often my therapist told me that. I also didn't become an abuser like him. I didn't even consider that even if my OCD gives me false memories. I would shame me to death if I would have done these things to someone else.

I just wanted to vent by pointing out what kind of support I got and why I remained hypersexual, porn addict had still having OCD, depression and problems with my stomach. Despite working on my trauma for four years now.

I have wondered a ton if my abusers grew up thinking about what they did as much as I grew up thinking about what they did. And whether or not, and how or how not, it's affected them in adulthood.
My life was derailed and never got back on track.
They both have kids of their own now, and I can't help but wonder.
How should I feel about that?

I just want to know I'm not the only one stressing out the closer we get to the holidays. I hate November as it signals the beginning of the holiday season. I hate how terrified I am, no matter how old I get, no matter how much I grow. It's been 24 years and the shame and fear always pops back up this time of year. I don't want to see them. I want to see the rest of my family. But I don't want to see them.