I want to start this post with the fact that COCSA is a very common form of sexual abuse that is perpetrated more often than father/daughter sexual abuse. It is sexual abuse, irrespective of the fact that it is perpetrated by an underaged human being. The fact that I have to say that is beyond words, and I think that anyone who thinks otherwise should be behind bars. COCSA encapsulates the experience of all forms of sexual violence (groping, fondling, molestation, rape, etc), and it is perpetrated through intentional use of domination, manipulation, restriction, grooming and isolation. And thats just fact. Don't like it? Then I'm sure you'll be best buds with the sex offenders on your street. The reason I say all this is because spaces made for COCSA victims have been dominated by the abusers, or the "COCSA inflictors" or whatever they like to call themselves to make themselves look less guilty. Society belittles and demeans the children being subjected to such violence under the guise that "all children are innocent". What really gets these rape apologists going is the wide spread narrative that "all COCSA perpetrators were sexually abused themselves". Guess who spread that narrative? The sex offenders themselves. The truth is that anyone can perpetrate any violence, regardless of circumstance. And the lowest occurring reason behind children sexually abusing other children is the fact that they've been abused themselves. Yep. It's more likely that the child assailant is experiencing a disconnect at home due to divorce or neglect, and thats why they chose to violate another child (often times younger than them or their relative) and cause forever lasting trauma. Did you know that children are more likely to sexually assault their siblings or close social network, and are more likely to enforce physical violence during their assaults? Did you also know that the chances of an offender only assaulting one child is lower than the chance of them reoffending? Oh! And that they ALL weaponise a power dynamic. Do you know what that means? It means they purposely locate a victim based on size, intelligence, whether they are isolated or not, and whether or not they'll be easy to sexually assault. Underage sexual abusers are violent and manipulative who will sacrifice another child for their own sexual gain, so how do they differ from adult sex offenders? I'll give you an answer. They don't.

"I sexually abused a 4 year old toddler when I was 10 years old for 3 whole years, but it affected me too!"

"I only molested them! And I only did it once and they don't even remember it so it can't be that bad"

"I perpetrated COCSA for 5 years but I promise I didn't know what I was doing!!"

Yes, these are legit quotations from legit sex offenders in spaces only for COCSA victims. Whats worse is that these quotations above come from adults reflecting on abuse they inflicted when they were kids. So we are literally seeing ADULTS excuse the sexual abuse they put a kid through.... As an adult.... This is the danger that results from babying and victimising abusers.

And that's why my relative is now writing a book about COCSA.

My relative is currently writing a book about the reality of COCSA, as they, as well as myself, have both been made victim by it, and have copped further taunting and harassment from the perpetrators as a direct result of the normalisation of COCSA as a topic. We have been let down by the legal system, we have been let down by the parents of the perpetrators, we have been let down by misinformed people surrounding the offenders, and we know TOO MANY people who have gone through the same thing. So if you are willing to share your story (you can remain anonymous, or include just your initials, or your full name if you please. Your narrative is driven by you, no one else gets to dictate how you get to tell your story) comment down below or message me directly. This is only if you want your story to be implemented into my relative's book.

People need to understand that this is a real life issue with real life consequences. If you have any inquiries, feel free to message me directly. I also want to say that I will not be interacting with people only wanting to argue. If you do not wish to interact with the context of this post, then just move on.

We have already collected numerous stories thus far, so if you feel comfortable sharing your story and you experience encapsulates one or more of the following, I'd love to have a conversation with you:

- Abused in an institution/religious institution (e.g. school)

- Abuse was long-term/numerous occasions of abuse by the same perputrator

- Perpetrator was younger than you

- Whether you were abused by someone neurodivergent

- Had numerous perpetrators at once

- Whether you experienced ongoing harrasment from your abuser/s

Our aim is to gather as many perspectives as possible. And please know that if you do choose to share your story with me, that I'll be working in your best interest. As aforementioned, the way you want to be identified, if you want to be identified at all, is completely up to you! Also, if you initially wanted to share your story but then change your mind down the track, I'll comply! Nothing will be finalised in terms of your specific story without your permission. How and when you choose to tell your story is completely and solely up to you.

If you are a COCSA perpetrator (a sexual abuser), then DO NOT INTERACT. You shouldn't be in this community anyway as the guidelines condemn you from these spaces.

recently came across a post talking about COCSA and realized that is most likely what i experienced, but my memory is fuzzy. i had a cousin that was my age (8?) and have an image of her standing above me naked on a bed, but i always assumed it was a dream. i also have one clear memory of her brother groping me at that age. her and i were so close as kids. i’m in my mid 20’s now but when i try to add this cousin on social media, she deletes me. this terrifies me because it feels like it confirms that that image that i have of her is real. with her ignoring me, it also makes me feel like i was the one assaulting her and i can’t remember. i would feel awful for doing that to her.

This is my first Reddit post but I’ve been a reader for quite some time. Warning: references/minor details of cocsa

My (25F) uncle (29M) (we are close in age so he is more like a first-cousin) used to live together when I was around 5-7 years old (so he was 9-11 years old). We used to play “games” where he would kiss and touch me. I did know it was wrong and it’s confusing because I guess I liked it? Aside from the rare occasion that we played these games, he absolutely hated me. He would make my life hell. I won’t get into the details because they are specific and family would recognize the story if they stumble upon this. But he would threaten my life, make me fear for my life, etc.

There is not a single person that I’ve ever told about the “games” me and him played. and into adulthood it has always confused me, because it obviously felt good and I liked it? But I was also a child? So is that normal? Was I hyper sexual? Idk. But, now that I’ve learned about COCSA, I feel more open to (anonymously) share.

Anyways, after we (my mom and I) moved out of that house, he only touched me 2-3 other times. This would occur when he would visit or we visit him. The last time it happened I was 9 (he was 13) and I could have easily scooted away (I wasn’t being forcefully touched). But, I would just lay there any allow him to do it to me (I guess maybe because I was a horny kid, I really don’t know and it’s confusing). Also to clarify, there was never any penetration or anything like that. It was just him touching, rubbing, kissing me while I lay there very still.

To summarize my feelings: He was really awful to me my entire life. The only “decent” memories I have with him are these sexual ones I guess. So I have spent the last 19 years HATING him, because of how mean he was to me. But not because of the sexual things I guess - if that makes sense.

Ok so getting to the point: I will be spending quite some time with him for the holidays (note: there is no fear or worry that it will happen again, we’ve seen each other many times before and just pretend to be acquaintances)

. So I guess I just wanted to tell my story and see what people think. This is the first time I’m ever acknowledging this outside of my inner thoughts. So feel free to provide any thoughts, comments, advice, or psychoanalysis on me. This is not something I am necessarily traumatized about at all, it’s honestly just kinda embarrassing and I feel weird that I liked it as a kid.

Hi friends (F 24) First off I want to give a huge thanks to the members who started this community, those have shared their stories, and everyone else in this community. I see you. This is my first time here and I need people who would understand, to hear me. Thank you for listening. The first time is a fuzzy memory of me and my teenage older cousin. I was around 3 or 4 and we were in a closet. I remember the sliver of light from the room , I remember feeling frightened, constrained and confused. I did not know what we did, or what he did until my mother drunkenly told me. He told her. After seeing me break down my mother dismissively told me “ain’t no body touch you girl.” I now believe it was multiple family members. The second time was another cousin, who was younger than me but the same height. He told me we were playing a game, and stuck his tongue in my mouth among other things. We were around 6. The third time was my younger brother and a different cousin. This cousin, every Christmas since we were 5, told me he wanted to have sex with me. I declined, declined, declined. But we kept coming back for Christmas. And he kept asking. Until one year my stepdad took us over this cousins house one day. I developed early. When the three of us were completely alone in the basement, they pushed me against a wall and assaulted me. It happened in two separate occasions. I was 9. When I was 11, it was my neighbor and younger brother. My brother watched as our neighbor attacked me, forced me to the ground, and assaulted me. My brother then went on to assault me from age 11 to 13. Everyday we were home alone. Which was pretty often. And they’ve all forgotten what they’ve done and I feel too disgusted with myself to say anything. I’m ashamed I never said anything. I understand I was just a child. I’m just so ashamed. I feel like innocence was taken from me before I had a chance to even experience it. Worst of all I feel very alone. Only my boyfriend knows, and he told me about this community. You all are very brave souls, even braver for surviving. Thank you for letting me share my story. Take care of yourselves. My heart is with you.

Hi there, I’ve never shared my story before. I’m sorry if it’s a lot. When I was in Kindergarten I met this girl called S. We instantly became best friends. At some point during the school year S recommended we play a game called “Mommy and baby” We would often swap roles, I’d be the mom one day and the baby the next. There was a mini playhouse in my kindergarten classroom and that’s where we mainly played the game. We also regularly had playdates and our moms became good friends. One day I was over for a playdate at S’ house and she wanted to play the mommy and baby game. We went into S’ bedroom and I remember her shutting the door. She told me that “this time it would be a real version of mommy and baby” I was confused by what she meant. She told me that we were gonna play our game but I would have to take my clothes off because “babies are born naked and the mommies are naked too” I don’t feel comfortable really describing the rest but we basically ended up naked in her bed together under the covers. S’ Mom walked in and I don’t remember what happened after that. I don’t think S’ parents ever told my parents. Then came the jealousy issues. S made friends with a new student and started playing our game with the new girl in the classroom playhouse. I remember feeling used in a way which is crazy because of how young I was. I thought that our game was special for us. After Kindergarten we got placed in different classes so I didn’t see her much for the rest of school but our moms remained friends and they are still friends to this day. I don’t even know what I would say to my parents. I don’t know if they would even believe me. As an adult now I know that she learned it from somewhere or someone. I just feel so strange about it all. How can I heal?

hii there i’m 17 f, and just wanted to talk about my experience. when i was younger maybe around 9 or 10 (possibly 11 even) i was sa’d by my 16 year old cousin. my cousin was abused by my step grandpa, and would force my cousin to watch pornography with him. about a month ago though i went to a mental hospital, and while i was there i told the doctor i had been sa'd by my cousin. i told the doctor abt how i felt it didn't count as SA because i wasn't raped. he assured me that it was SA, and that it was not okay. i felt so much relief knowing that someone had finally validated my experience.

I had told my step mother about it about 2 years ago, she had told me that it could've been worse. those words always stuck with, "it could've been worse." but now i know that just because my experience wasn't as extreme as other people's, it's still a valid experience. once i got out of the mental hospital i wasn't aware of the fact that the doctor had told my mother abt my SA. my mom, and sister ended up confronting me about it. even though i was uncomfortable with talking about it i still ended up telling them what had happened to me. even though it was an awkward conversation i was so relived to finally have that off my chest.

my mother, and sister were very supportive, and even shared their own experiences to make me feel better, to make me feel like i wasn't alone. i'm grateful that they finally know what happened to me. i hated having to hide such a dark secret from them. i don't think i will ever forgive my cousin for the things he did to me. i don't feel bad for him, i hate to say it but i really don't. he messed up my life, and the way i view myself. i'm currently in therapy, and have a psychiatrist, that i see pretty often. i would say im someone that acts younger than they actually are. i feel like im still trying to relieve my childhood since it was taken away from me when i was pretty young. anyway i just wanted to share my experience, if anyone did end up reading this, thank u for listening.

Does this count as COCSA?

TW: possible sa

Ive posted this before but didn’t get any responses and i really need some advice.

Hi everybody. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now since i learned what cocsa is and i need other people to tell me it what happened counts. I’ve read the guidelines that are posted outlining what counts but im still not sure

So when I was between the ages of 4-8(im not 100% sure when it was because i have a hard time remembering it) i would hang out at my aunts house a lot. she lived in a complex with a few other kids in it. there was this one kid that ill call josh who lived there. he was maybe 2 or 3 years older than me (again i dont 100% know when this happened). We would usually play outside alone with my brothers and my cousin but one day he invited me into his house and into his bedroom. Now i dont remember exactly what he said but he said something about now knowing what girls had verses what boys had, talking about genitals. He said it a few times then he asked it i knew. i said that i did because i have brothers. he was an only child so he asked me if i could show him. I was very hesitant about this because of course i have been taught that that was not allowed. he said that if he showed me his area that i could show him mine then it would be fair. he then pulled down his pants and that said that i had to show him mine now because i saw his. I did show him and while it was happening we got called downstairs. we stopped and never spoke of it again, it never happened again and i never told anyone.

Im not sure if it counts because i did show him willingly i think but i just have an icky feeling about it now and im not sure how willing it actually was. Please i need some advice on how i should be thinking about this.

edit: i told my mom and she said she feels like it counts but i feel like shes just saying that because she loves me yk

I have a younger sister by 4 years. when we were younger she constantly tried to touch me in innapropriate way and she also constantly try to walk in on me dressing or showering deliberately. I didn't understand it was bad but I remember feeling extremely uncomfortable. I am autistic, and back then I was really shy and didn't know how to stand up to myself, or even express how I felt properly. I couldn't tell her to stop because I didn't really know how to.

I'm not sure if this really is something bad though. It doesn't affect me in any way now but it makes me feel uncomfortable to think about now. I've only recently remembered all this. To add onto this, I was older so I was meant to be the more mature one, so what if it was actually my fault? I was older so I was meant to put a stop to it, but I couldn't

I’ve recently come to the terms i was assaulted multiple times as a child by friends after speaking to someone about my experiences. However, i cant feel anything other than confusion and i feel as if i should be upset. I keep having mini anxiety attacks thinking about it but i just cant cry even though i feel i should. Please give me advice to if this is normal.

after it came to light that my parent sexually abused two of my older siblings my sibling directly older than me was a victim of cocsa by the sibling directly older than them. it was a big deal and i’ve done what i can to validate their feelings. they don’t know that i have a memory of them convincing me to perform oral on them at a very very young age. i have a feeling that it was not the first time.

they are my best friend in the entire world we are not only siblings but everything a friend and confidant could be to eachother. they would be absolutely broken if i told them what i remember. i haven’t ever spoken about it or written it down. this is my very first time ever. i have to accept and move on because i don’t want them to ever know. it’s not their fault. we were children being abused and that is what was taught to us by the adult abuser.

i hate myself. but i don’t hate my sibling.

I'm 26 Female he's now 31. This happened back when I was in the 2nd grade.. it went on til I was about to enter middle school so when I was 11. Fast forward now I just told my therapist about it last year and my mother. My bro currently has a girlfriend with 2 kids, one of them being a girl who's 11. I guess my question is should I tell his girlfriend about this? It's always been in the back of my mind since he moved in with them and I think about it every single time I go over their place

so i [18ftm] have only learned about this recently from my mother and have no recollection but when i was about three,

i had told her that a neighbor kid i used to play with a lot had molested me, he was twelve at the time. i don't really know what to think or how to feel about this as i don't remember it happening at all?

is it even ok to say i have trauma from this? i remember being really hypersexual when i was younger and was wondering if it could've stemmed from this.

I am hoping to talk to my therapist about this but km unsure if I should .

When I was about 9-10 my ex best friend showed me and my brother porn when she slept over and my mom wasn't home .

I took a picture of the action ( dumbass kid ) and her parents found out but I don't know what happened after

She also showed kids in the school two girls and one cup . I don't know if this is just a grade school incident or something else .

She was also the one to spread rumors that I stuffed my bra because I developed quicker than most of the girls . .

I just know after that I've been kinda of addicted to porn ? Bad with relationships even me and hers wasn't great .

Hi. I’m a female (17) and I can’t remember most of my childhood and I don’t think it’s because I smoke weed. I’ve only been smoking for about a year and even before that I couldn’t recall major chunks of my childhood. My mom has told me in some drunken fits of hers that my dad (recovering alcoholic 2 yrs) has previously made sexual comments about me when I was a child. I don’t necessarily think it was my father considering I have a good relationship with him (my parents are split by the way) but I don’t want to be sure.

There have been instances where I’ve caught my father saying something even slightly suggestive to me. Ex: I fell into a freezing lake going fishing with my dad when I was around 10 and when we got to the car my dad casually said I could take my shirt off if I wanted to. I didn’t because at the time I knew it wasn’t okay.

There’s other personal things about my childhood I recall only because they’re signs of CSA but I don’t want to jump to any conclusions. Please give me some advice about this!!

I remember being a cocsa incest victim at the age of 10 by my cousin. Didn't talk about this because I thought that it meant that I was gay now. He was also telling me that I was gay now. I grew up in a pentecostal family so I thought that meant I was doomed to hell.

I got abused by a friend when I was 7, I told my best friend at the time, he told his mum about it when I was 10 (it had just stopped almost a year prior) and she contacted the school, who told my mum and the police. I lied when my mum asked about penetration because I misunderstand that question, and because of that one thing the police couldn't take action and my mum didn't find out everything. I FUCKING HATE THAT. WHY WAS I SUCH A STUPID KID, I realized literally seconds later what she meant by "did he put anything inside you" but it was too late, if I just thought about that question a little longer, my mum would know and I wouldn't be sobbing right now. Because I NEARLY TOLD HER, but I got scared because I didn't want to make her cry. AGDUDNDGSJNDKD. I HATE THIS SO MUCH!

All I want is for her to know what I went through, but anytime I joke about childhood trauma she says I don't have any (She experienced abuse as a kid) I JUST WANT HER TO UNDERSTAND WHY I STILL NEARLY CRY EVERY TIME I GO SOMEWHERE NEAR HIS HOUSE!

I always find it really easy to tell people, all my friends know, it's just my goddamn parents who don't have a clue that I have legitimate trauma.

My sister is my abuser. I started unblocking the trauma about ten years ago and started therapy. I still thought maybe I was making things up and it didn’t actually happen or maybe somehow it was my fault. She constantly gaslighted me when I brought up hints of this happening. Last year, she finally admitted it. So to me this is still pretty fresh because before that I could pretend maybe it didn’t ACTUALLY happen. She was abused too but I don’t have the details (waiting until I’m ready for a joint therapy session). To my knowledge, my parents don’t know. I come across as an asshole mean sister because I cannot be around her for lengths at a time, I cannot sit next to her, etc. because of this my parents treat her so well because she’s “sensitive”

She lives in a dif state so she wasn’t planning to be home for thanksgiving. Well, she surprised the family and came home. The house is full so she even put all of her stuff in my room and planned to sleep there (while I stay at my boyfriends). I made one small comment about I don’t want her staying in there and I was screamed at by my parents who said “I wouldn’t be upset if it was a different family member staying there” and she doubled down saying .. yeah you wouldn’t. Gaslighting me in front of my parents making me look like the bad guy when she knows EXACTLY why I don’t want her specifically in there.

I called her out on it and we exchanged some words and she told me I’ve been punishing her my whole life and she’s thought about killing herself over it because she’s in the middle of abused and abuser. I just can’t imagine finding empathy or space in my heart to forgive. I was abused but I didn’t go abuse anyone? I just don’t understand it. But hearing how much this has impacted her I know I need to double down on therapy. I booked an appointment right away. But this was the worst thanksgiving of my life. The best she could do is say in hindsight she should have given me the heads up she was coming.

Do I try to forgive her? How do people forgive their abuser? And what about my parents who will never ever understand why I can’t stand her? It would break them. But I’ll never see justice because of other people’s feelings being put first. This has traumatized me completely and frankly idek if I can hear the details of my sisters abuse. If her abuser was someone else in my immediate family I think I would need to cut them off. It all feels like too much and it’s so heavy.

I’m a victim of COCSA but I don’t know to what extent. I can only remember my sister (who is 5 years older than me) and I playing sex over our clothes, and it was a pretty dominant game. I can only remember wanting to play (i didn’t even know what sex was, I was about 7/8/9 and she was much older and obviously did know) because it was the only time she wanted to engage in any activity with me without bullying me, and to me it was sister time and the only time I was happy with her and her with me. I can only remember it happening over clothes i.e. humping but don’t know if anything else happened. We have a good relationship now (I’m 21) but recently discovered and remembered this happened. We have never spoken about it and whenever we get into explosive fights because she doesn’t respect me like I respect her I have breakdowns and think to myself “at least I never sexually abused a child”. It’s been eating me inside and I have never told anyone. I don’t know whether confronting her about it would make it any better, but maybe I should. Opinions?

*Worth mentioning I have vaginismus. Don’t know if it stems from this, but I’ve been thinking its most likely the reason

Im M18. Something happened tday which made me to connect this with my childhood incident. So when I was 4 years old, there was a girl called Sia. She was 7 yrs old. We were buddies and she will always hang out in my home for playing board games,etc. Sia was a bossy girl for her age and I was a cowardly boy for my age.My parents would leave me and her alone in my house (we would be busy playing)as they will have a work to do every monday(?) in every week. We will be alone in the house for an hour. My neighbours were friendly and they will have the key too and it's a really a safe area, so they had no fear leaving us alone. On one such occasions Sia introduced a new game called 'Doctor's game' and explained that we will get to know abt human body in this game.She ordered me to undress which I did. She made my lay back in the bed and started playing with my penis. We didn't kiss or anything. Just she will play with it. And next she got undressed and made me touch her vagina. This was our first 'clinic session ' according to her. And the next monday we did it again. I was sick of this game. She used to remove my foreskin and touch the head of my penis. I will plead her to stop as it would burn when she touched it. But she never listened and I think she enjoyed this new game. It continued for another two weeks I guess. I don't remember how many times we did it. But the last time we did it, it was horrible. She as usual started playing with my penis but pulled my penis' foreskin harder. Something happened. The pain was like hell. It shot through my entire body. I started to cry. She was scared too. We didn't play that game ever after. I don't clearly remember but whatever she did on that made my penis like half circumcised. I was very scared on that whole day, my mother asked whether everything was okay. I lied. I thought if Sia forced me to play that game again,I will definitely complain. But we never did. It became a past memory until tday. So me and my gf decided to have sex tday. I was very excited until the moment I got naked infront of her. My penis became flaccid when I got naked. She tried to make it hard by her hand. At that moment I felt very much disgusted. I becamy very tensed. I pushed her hands off my body asking her to stop. She was turned on, so she didn't notice ths change in my attitude. I suddenly said I wanna stop. She was confused at first. I went out of the room taking my clothes. She is very mad at me. I shared this incident with my closest frnd(he also know that incident from my childhood). He is the one who connected this two incidents. I never gave a thought to my childhood incident that many times. But Im confused now. Did that became a trauma? Nobody knows abt it expect my closest two frnds. Should I get help?

Ps: I don't have the guts to post this on my main account

I am currently 13M, but I was 5-7 years old and my sister was around the age of early-stage puberty. (12-14) It was said that my mother's boyfriend at the time had done something to her, and so that's where I think this sparked. Long story short, she introduced this concept called 'feeling' which was sex for those who're confused. It really involved all bases; kissing, oral, dry humping, etc etc. The oral I don't remember exactly but putting it in there anyway because it was still horrible for the age. This has happened multiple times, and I have 'consented' to every time; if you can call it that due to being way underage. This lighted the flame to a really bad masturbation addiction. I'm oversharing, fully aware; but more detail is better than less detail of my issues and outcomes of which. I am going to therapy and still digging into my mental health as I have been a victim of multiple accounts of verbal abuse from someone in my family; to be specific oral labeling, insulting, and rebuking. I have been recently questioning if I was still a virgin after which, and gladly I still am after the people over at r/morbidquestions (where I originally made a post questioning my virginity) had help me get a little weight off my back. I would also like to thank multiple people for shedding light on this subreddit for me.

i'd already seen so much at that age. did i still count as a child? did he even have a power imbalance over me, since he was the same age? i mean, he didn't even get my clothes off, he would've but i told my parents what he did before he got a chance to be fully alone with me.

This literally just happened, I was in the kitchen eating with all my family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents) when the door opened. I didn’t see who it was until my grandma who was on the other side of the table said “oh it’s (assaulters name)” my mom and I made eye contact. I went back to my turkey. Told my mom I was going to go check on the dog and left. My assaulter was not invited, she is my aunt (by marriage) littler sister. My mom had explicitly told my grandma that my assaulter was not to be invited under any circumstances, and to relay that message to everyone else who has contact with her. Clearly no one cares for me. Have a good thanksgiving yall, I’m gonna go text my therapist now.

TW: sexual play pretend and rape fantasies See bottom of the page for the shorter version.

There's some childhood memories I've been thinking about recently of me and my brother. Especially from our elementary school years I'm currently 37(F) and my brother is almost two years older than me.

I don't have a lot of memories from my childhood. Just some here and there, no clearly detailed moments, not many clear memory of what I liked or did as a child.

Things at home were a mess, my parents were arguing a lot and my brother had a lot of difficulties. He was having trouble at school, being bullied and was arguing a lot with my parents. He got more difficult towards the end of elementary school and got diagnosed with high functioning autism sometime after that.

There were mostly lots of arguments between my brother and my mom. I remember sitting at the top of the stairs being scared that he was going to hurt my mom, I remember him threatening with a hammer or trying to jump out the attic window. I remember my mother not being comfortable anymore leaving me and my brother at home alone.

I remember my brother being angry with me and not letting me leave his room. I remember him pushing me against the door with his hands around my throat, me being unable to scream. I lost my voice the next day, but I never told anyone what happened, not even my parents. I don't have any other memories where he physically attacked me, I think most of it was just shouting.

My brother didn't have any friends, and my parents didn't have many friends or family that we saw regularly. I had friends, and would regularly go for playdates at their houses. But other than that, it was just me and my brother.

I also have good memories of me and him playing together, some play pretend with barbies or throwing stuffed animals at each other. And I remember a lot of trying to join in on the things my brother liked, sitting with him and watching him play computer games, learning a card game he liked.

There's just this one memory that bothers me. I think it's me and him playing rapist. It must have been when he was around 10 and I was 8, maybe later? We are both naked, with a thin sheet of fabric between us. He is lying on top of me, missionary positon, he was either dry humping me or just lying still. I could feel he had somewhat of an erection. I don't remember how it started, I don't remember how it ended. I remember feeling ashamed and I still do, like I did something wrong. I don't remember having those kind of thoughts or curiosity around sexual things at that age. I had a boyfriend in elementary school, with whom I wasn't even kissing or anything. In general I wasn't occupied with any sexual thoughts till I was in my late teens I think.

I don't know what to think. I know I didn't always feel safe with my brother, but I just categorized this memory as "harmless play". Now things are coming up in therapy and I'm just rethinking things. Haven't talked to my therapist about it, but I'm thinking about it.

It's been almost 30 years since it happened, I don't feel I can say anything with certainty. But I am pretty sure the play was rapist and my brother was playing the role of rapist. But I don't know for sure if he was the one that initiated it or made me participate. We grew up in a liberal part of Europe, where children get sexual education in elementary school and it wasn't a complete taboo topic for parents, so I did know what sex was.

It was not uncommon for my brother to make drawings with sexual jokes, sing songs with altered lyrics or have some sexual scenes with barbies during imagination play. I also participated in the imagination play and sang those songs. But those don't make me feel uncomfortable, it feels ok.

This particular memory just makes me feel like I should have said no or told him to stop or told him it was not ok. But I don't remember doing that. It's not something I was supposed to do. What if I did enjoy it? That would make it even worse. But I don't remember at all. I don't want to accuse my brother when I was pretty much of similar age and didn't object. And I don't think it bothered me much, I didn't feel more unsafe with him or was ruminating the event. It still doesn't bother me much, it just makes me feel uneasy. But maybe I just mentally blocked the whole thing.

I'll try to talk to my therapist about it, but I'm not sure if I feel safe enough to discuss this. I tend to avoid and self destruct, rather than make difficult smart choices. So telling about it on the internet to strangers is already a first step. Thank you for taking the time to read my story!

TL;DR: Brother and sister pretend playing rapist when he was 10 and I was 8, maybe later? Both naked, him lying on top of me, with a fabric sheet between us. He has high functioning autism and could be unpredictable and violent. I felt ashamed and didn't tell anybody till now. It felt like a game, but at the same time it feels like this shouldn't have happened.

I (f20) have been with my gf for about 8 months and I don’t know how, or if, to bring up my experience. She recently opened up that she started to get memories of being SAd that she had blocked out, and it made me think about the fact that I should be considering mentioning my cocsa experience to her. I’ve never told anyone nor ever thought to tell anyone, this post is the first time I’ve acknowledged it to other people. It’s especially hard to mention since the perpetrator was my brother, who I’m pretty good friends with now. I for sure wouldn’t get into who and what or probably even mention cocsa for a long time but basically I’m wondering what other people’s experiences were like trying to process it and tell someone else… also I’m wondering if I should just not say anything because I don’t want to take away from her processing her own experience, but at the same time it is something that affects me and it feels weird sort of hiding it… Please let me know what you think

TW: Incest, Rape.

One of my friends recently opened up to me about sexual abuse they suffered in early childhood around the age of 5-6. He has 2 older brothers that used to live with him and the rest of his family. His brothers were around 14 at the time. It started "small" where they would drag him somewhere and ask him if he would suck them off. At the time he didn't see anything wrong with this because he was uneducated and young and would go along with it most of the time, except for the few times he didn't feel like it and would walk away. It escalated to where he would be dragged to the room and not given a choice and then raped from behind by one or the other taking turns. He eventually stopped going along with it and began to fear his brothers. To remedy them taking him away and raping him he found a sharp knife and kept it by his bed or anywhere he felt in danger of being raped. It has screwed up his sex life to the point where he cannot have sex at all without throwing up or feeling sick because he feels like he is raping said person. When he told me I asked if he had told anyone with power or someone who could contact people with power over the situation easier (ex: police, parents, relatives, etc). He said no in fear of not being believed or hurting his brothers, and also because it was scary to open up to anyone with major authority. Its been about 3ish months since he told me and he hasn't made any steps towards justification of his brothers. I know that telling anyone about it can be genuinely terrifying because of the trauma and the general difficulty to talk about the topic. I have seen other people lie about similar topics for attention, but i don't believe he is because of the terror in his eyes when he was talking to me about it. I cam to this sub to ask if there is anything i can do to comfort him or help him through this?

edit: He gave me permission to talk about it here

When I was a child my whole family used to move a lot, and that had led to me being very alone, it didn't help that I was a introvert, I started going on the internet at around when I was around 11-12 , my parents are old, they had me pretty late so there's never been that much emotional communication between me and them, I used to go on all the chatting sites , chatrandom ,Omegle and I used to do things, for people anything at all because they made me feel loved and they didn't discard me, i would go on to get groomed by multiple people for long periods of time, old men, women, there was a 16f I would regularly ft with, I would make my own cp and send it to them, theres litreally no sex-ed where im from and noone talks about sensitive things like this with anyone, the pandemic hit when I was 14-15, and it had all gotten way worse by then, I was exposed to sexual abuse videos by them, they wanted me to believe that it was normal, and i would still regularly send my nudes to those people because If I wouldn't noone would want me, and although it never ever felt right deep down inside but I craved attention and i craved being someone's someone. The only connections I had with people at that time was a sexual one, when I met them they had just turned 13 probably over a stranger meeting app and at first it was never anything sexual it was just some point they confessed that they had feelings for me and i didn't know what to do it was only online and we both were in different countries, we would talk about random stuff and slowly they'd slowly get sexually suggestive and i didn't intinially do anything but because every other human relation I had in my life was like this i thought that this is just how it works, so I started reciprocating, this happened to me twice again when I was 16-17 all of this happened while I was still in contact with my groomers and i was still doing what they wanted me to do, a point came when I couldn't take it anymore, the videos they made me see and things they made me do and i just cut everything and everyone off,i started self harming , I'm 19 now I am about 3 months clean but I can't stop thinking about those times when I should've said no to both people younger and older than me and I feel like horrible person because of it, even tho we were both kids, i should've said no, not only because of my own miserable reality but all the horrible things I saw, deep down from the beginning I knew it was wrong but I just never wanted to upset anyone. I just feel like I should be blamed for it all.

I feel like I was sexually abused by my sister when I was 7-8 and she was 10-11 so confused as we were both young I say abused mainly because it was something I didn’t want to do and I was threatened if I didn’t do it, my cousin also joined in a couple times and she was definitely old enough to know it was wrong (14) After about a year it stopped never to be mentioned again but I want answers now the main one being why the hell did this happen!

TW, not going into full detail but just be careful reading.

If this post needs to be taken down, I understand.

I feel comfortable posting here because this is something I dealt with but I don't wanna focus on me right now. I don't wanna go into details but I know someone who has gone through COCSA, and for them it's more complicated. I wanna help but I don't know how. They were around 7 years old and the other person was around 15. This person, a family member is still in their life and they would go to the ends of the earth for them. I just wanna help and give the best advice I can, I wanna know what I could say or do.

they havent told anyone, no family and they dont think they need therapy. this person I am getting romantically evolved with and they said I will meet this person, and this person will be around. how could I go about this.

When I was around 9 years old, one of my best friends (also 9) at the time was at a sleepover with me. She turned around to me and told me she wanted to kiss with our tongues. I said I didn’t want to and turned the other way. She kept asking and asking. I told her no a few times and she then threatened me (not exactly sure what the threat was. I just remember being scared) so I felt like I had no choice except to let her kiss me with our tongues. Afterwards, I was disgusted and it took a while for me to fall asleep because I was so uncomfortable about what had just happened and didn’t know what to do.

Now I am 20 and have all kinds of mental health issues and just wanted to know if this counts as SA and could’ve been a reason behind some of my mental health issues.

I don’t remember everything clearly, everything is a blur, but here’s my story.

When I was about 9 or 10, my mom and aunt went to go washing and at this laundry there was this little area for kids with a tv. Kids could go in there while their parents washed. It was me and my two cousins. One of these cousins who is a male and is two years and a half years older than me. So me and him went into this little area for the kids and this part is really blurry for me but I remember my cousin began to touch my private areas and made me touch his private areas. Honestly, at the time I didn’t know what was really going on, this is the first time I had ever experienced anything like that. After that for awhile this kind of behavior continued, it was really sexual and it escalated. Now it wasn’t just touching over our clothing, now we were actually touching without clothing.

Then I remember my cousin would tell that this was just practice for when I got older. The part that makes me feel weird was that I began to like it and since I was beginning to go through puberty, it would arouse me. I feel really ashamed of this but this is how I felt. By the way I’m also a male.

So it continued to when I was about 11-12, my cousin one time kissed me my force on the mouth. At the time I didn’t know how serious or what I was really doing to be honest. Me and my cousin would do these things in private, my mom or aunt never knew and still don’t. So then now when I’m 12, the sexual acts escalate, now we’re doing oral sex. The acts were always in service of my cousin, never for me or anything. Now my cousin who at this time is 15, now he wants to do full blown penetration. He talks me into and at this time everything seems normal, since we hide from our parents, I know it’s wrong but I don’t really understand what’s going on fully, I’m still a kid. Sorry this is really explicit but I want to share my story. My cousin tries penetration for the first time and he’s not able to do it because we had no lubercation and it hurt too much. So then a few weeks go by and he tries it again. We were in the room just hanging out and then we start doing sexual things and this time I found some lubercant and then that time he was actually successful and he did full penetration. I’m consenting to these things, so maybe it isn’t sexual abuse but I don’t, that’s why I’m asking you guys. After this moment, I was really ashamed and I felt like I was gay because I let another man do this to me. I always remember this because it happened at the end of sixth grade and I remember I was showering and I had these feelings that I was gay and so I started masterbating to lesbian porn because I thought if I could get a erection to women I wasn’t gay. Also after that event I was constipated and even now I have trouble going to the bathroom, I was limping. I felt very shameful. But the sexual acts with my cousin continued until I was sixteen years old and now I’m 22. Now it has stopped I don’t really talk to my cousin.

When I was a kid I would get these moments of disassociating, I would feel like I was outside of my body, this would happen randomly, I suffer from periods of depression. I’ve never been to a physiatrist or therapist but I have gone through these things. When I was fifteen I almost offed myself. I’ve also realized that when people touch my arm or rub against me, it triggers me and I get angry, I don’t like people touching. I don’t like when people talk about sexual things but when I was a kid I was hyper sexual.

I think that’s everything I want to share.