My mom did something awful when I was on my period when I was a teenager. But even before and after that, she always creeped me out so much. She made me feel extremely disgusted and ashamed for even having periods let alone having heavier ones than most. She always insisted on watching me put on my pads and sometimes wore gloves and a mask when we were alone when interacting with me so she wouldn't touch me because she considered be unclean or disgusting when I was on my period. She always made me tell her when my period would start, how heavy it was, if I was going to the bathroom to change, ask me when it stopped and stuff. She always made me wrap everything like crazy and would watch me throw it in the garbage outside. She would count the number of pads I use, angrily ask me how many I'm wearing and stuff like that. If she thought I was lying she would feel around my butt and keep asking/yelling how many I was wearing.

There were times while I was doing chores (and I always had to wear gloves if I was on my period) she would come and grab my pants and underwear and literally pull it down to check if I wore it properly. She wouldn't listen if I screamed or told her how wrong it was and she would say shut up I'm the mom, the adult and that I didn't know anything. She would make me show her my pads after use and comment on how much blood there was and stuff. Oh gosh, I feel disgusted just typing this. She would tell me how abnormal I was constantly for having long or heavy periods and now whenever I have my period I can barely leave the house because she constantly made me feel everyone knows and would be disgusted. She would make faces and fan her face and keep telling me I smell (even after I showered and knew I didn't).

I don't know. She always tells me how disgusting my body is. And tells me she's allowed to do whatever she wanted to me and she did. She always acts like she owns me and like I am just some mindless thing to her.

I hate how she made me feel abnormal for all normal things.

So I’m coming to the realization what I did experience is definitely SA. A few comments on my last post confirmed what I was worried of, I was able to get in with my therapist yesterday and told her everything. She also confirmed this was definitely SA. I was mainly dissociated for the entire session but then was able to tell more to my husband afterwards, we cried, and I was able to feel.

Everything makes more sense now. I remember being really scared of the bathroom up as a kid. When I went in there I would check behind the shower curtain and in the hamper to make sure there wasn’t a monster in there and was always terrified. I wouldn’t look in my closet or under my bed. It was like specifically the bathroom. Up until a few years ago I was always scared to open my eyes when showered always imagining someone would be there. I had told my husband to never ever prank me like this.

Whenever I would visit my moms house after I moved out I’d subconsciously never use “that” bathroom, id go to the other one but my mom wouldn’t let me anymore because it was her boyfriends bathroom. So I had to start using the other bathroom again and was anyways uncomfortable but never noticed.

It’s been a fucking hard two days. I have such a deep awful pain I’m feeling. I can’t breathe correctly. I’m freezing while I’m in the middle of doing things. This doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t feel like my life. My therapist told me to focus on my basic needs right now which is what I’m doing and I’m very lucky to have my amazing husband to help me with this. A really bad hip/back pain I haven’t felt in a few years came back yesterday. It’s like an extremely sharp pain that’s very specific. This can’t be a coincidence.

My therapist also told me that all these things coming up now makes sense because I’m in a safer space being no contact with her and through therapy im healing, I’ve become safer in my routines and relationships. My brain is ready to take all this on. And that my dissociations aren’t bad, young me created a really solid protection for me. But I can now handle it on my own. I’m so sad, but proud of young me. And this pain I’ve always felt, this awful darkness, that I always thought something is so wrong with me, it’s not me. It’s what was done to me. And it wasn’t my fault.

I (52 AFAB) was sexually abused by my mom for as long as I can remember. I have clear memories of her touching me inappropriately from when I was 3. Only recently (earlier this year) was I able to understand that the touching was inappropriate. It always under the guise of being something else. But believed the guise for almost 50 years. I have questioned my memories, and my sanity, many times. They won’t go away.

Recently, I was visiting my mother. She walked into the bathroom (she always does if I don’t lock it) while I was fixing my hair and immediately began criticizing me. She tried to insist I use a different hair product. After a bit of argument I got fed up and she said “ok, fine, give me some.” She insisted on putting it in my hair herself. She raked her fingers through my hair, pulling out a lot, and she was spinning me around by my shoulders. While doing this, she “accidentally” grabbed one of my breasts. Then she said, “nice boobies.” Needless to say, it was awful.

In my regular life, I am unable to set boundaries. People fuck with me all the time as a result. I get sexually harassed and I just—don’t say anything. I just freeze, I guess. Again, I’m 52. I’ve been in therapy (for years now) and I just want to get better. This impacts my work (I’m a teacher,) and relationships. Any advice? Or similar experience?

Edited for spacing.

Okay so looking back on my teenage and early childhood years I started to feel weird about certain things that happened between me and my mum. For context my mother was a single mother who raised me and my older brother. Currently I still live with her but have always felt extremely disgusted and uncomfortable when she would try to touch, hug or show me any type of affection. I’m just going to list some of the things she would do:

1. would always be naked and undress in front of me. Walking around the house with no clothes and say that’s it’s fine because we’re family

2. would shower and bathe with me well into my adolescent years (15) this would include her making me scrub and clean her back while she would insist on scrubbing my body clean including my privates.

3. when I was 13 and uncomfortable with showering with her and voiced that thought she would get very angry. On a couple of occasions I would be the only one showering and she would walk in and wash me and when I would refuse to bend, squat or lift up my leg onto her so she could wash my privates she would get mad leave the bathroom, grab a wooden kitchen serving spoon and hit me with it while I was showering naked. She would then after hitting scrub my privates and shower me.

4. when I was about 14 I would find ways to get out of having to shower with her or have her clean me but often she would unlock the door and watch me showering on one occasion I didn’t realise she unlocked the door and she was just staring at me shower through the crack of the door then when I noticed her presence she left

5. would walk into the room when I was changing and sometimes even sit and watch me change

6. make comments about my developing body by talking about my breasts privately and openly in front of my brother and have him engage in the discussion about my breast size

7. when I was about 15 and started growing pubic hair my mum noticed and made me use a chemical hair removal cream on my privates and insisted on applying the cream using her hands herself. And when I protested she would move my hand and continue rubbing on my crotch and between my legs. When I said I wanted to take it off and it sort of burned she brushed it off and then later let me wash it out

8. growing up she was very open about things that children shouldn’t hear or know about. She would tell me and my brother about the relationship with her and my dad including the abuse aspect of it and the rape component. I remember hearing about her relationship issues since I was about 4 years old and still hear it to this day. She would also be graphic about her past relationships explaining how she almost caught hiv and some other stuff

9. she would always complain about her financial situation and bills to us whenever we asked for anything. Car insurance fees always fell a few days before my birthday so she would obviously complain about that and that she would now have to pay for my birthday as well. I thought our financial situation was really bad so on all my birthdays I never asked for much and sometimes would even forfeit or offer to skip my birthdays. My brother would get a party and whatever gift he wanted though. They were typically expensive like gaming consoles, designer clothes and shoes and more.

10. she would always say how much she loved me and that I was more understanding and such especially when I was a little kid. My mum was physically abusive and she scared me a lot as a child so every night before I went to bed even if she beat me I would give her three kisses and say I love. She always thought of me as her sweet little princess when I was a child. There of course some days as a child when she was convinced I was a liar and evil but once I did my little kisses ritual she was back to loving me

11. as I stared to become a teenage and my body specifically my breasts became more developed she started making weird comments insinuating that I was up to sexual acts or had a boyfriend. After a school excursion with my all female art class she said my lips were red and peachy and asked if I was kissing anyone. She has also called me a prostitute bc I wanted to go on a fast food drive through with some friends at 7:00. I was 17 at the time

12. I was not really allowed to have friends. Like I could have friends at school and such but outside of school hanging out was prohibited and the first time I did when I was 13 she followed me and my friend around the shopping centre watching us because she thought I was a lesbian for going out with only one girl. When I reached about 15 I remember wanting to go the shops with a friend and telling her about it way before and as she was dropping me off at the station she made a comment about how I didn’t want to spend time with her on her one day off and that I liked my friend more than her

13. she would always say that I hated her especially in my teen years and therefore make say I loved her and she was wrong

14. she would always say that we were all she had and all she lived for especially for me since she felt that since we were both girls that we would have a tight knit relationship. She essentially estranged herself from everyone she knew and her friends by being self destructive and would constantly remind me that I was her only friend and family and all she had. She would say the same to my brother but not as much since he resembled my father and she hated my father

15. she made me watch very explicit life time movies that showed women being assaulted kidnapped and worse to teach me about what would happen if I wasn’t careful. This started when I was around 7 till my adolescent years

16. when I was young probably about 7 -10 she unprovoked showed me a close up of a woman giving birth to a baby. Her full vagina was on display plus the screaming, blood, slimy substances, fully dilated vagina stretching and the baby’s head sliding out altogether made me feel so disgusted I ran to bathroom and threw up. I associated the memory with sardines because sardines made me feel like throwing up the same way that video did. My mum laughed at the fact that I had to go to the bathroom and throw up

17. she would suggest that we share a room and either sleep together or get a bunk bed when I was like 15 to 16

18. she constantly asks if she can sleep with me and will sometimes come into my room and lie on my bed and watch me while I’m watching Netflix or something. I would feel uncomfortable and try to leave the bed but she would either block my way of leaving the bed (my beds in a corner against two walls) or would just start tackling or hugging me while I would tell her to stop and she would just laugh. Essentially play fighting

19. she would ask me to check her breasts when I was like 15

20. she would lift up my shirt or dress to see what underwear or bra I’m wearing and still does this now

21. she would ask me to massage her feet but then would tell me to move my hands up past her thighs on her butt are and would make these moaning or groaning sounds from me massaging those areas. Sometimes the moaning was from pain but sometimes it would be from pleasure as well? Tbh I always thought she was really exaggerating it or something. I really hated massage her butt so I would try to focus on her feet or calves but she would keep insisting that I massage her properly and move my hands up. When doing these massages her thighs and butt were always exposed so it was skin to skin which I found disgusting. Sometimes she would make me use oil or some kind of lotion to massage it properly. The massage session would normally last about an hour or sometimes even longer. She would sometimes ask for me to sit on her lower back and just move on it to massage it? This happened when I was like 6 till about 14 and started to say no to massaging her. She still asks every now and then but I just give her ice and tell her to use it if she feels back or leg pain. (She has bad knee pain and had a back injury about two decades ago)

I wrote a lot but and there’s still some more but those are the most prominent things that I could remember her doing. I don’t know if it considered as sexual abuse or what not but just looking back it feels like weird behaviour. Like am I crazy or is it not strange. Also I’ve read some posts on here where the mother was a closeted lesbian but I don’t think that’s the case. She is VERY religious and Christian and got around with a lot men in her earlier days before she “found Christ again”. When I told her I had gay friends and I like them she was distraught.

Anyways I’m sorry for yapping but I constantly think about the things she used to do and feel very shameful and disgusted by it. Not because of the things that happened but on the off chance I’m just a massive pervert who sexualised an innocent mother daughter relationship.

Thank you and I’m sorry for the paragraphs. FORGIVE ME 💫

TW: descriptions of SA and self harm. I am 27 female recently diagnosed with adhd. I went no contact with my mom at the beginning of the year after a huge fight, it was the final straw. She’s extremely emotionally abusive ever since I was a child, has threatened to unalive herself multiple times because of me. I’m certain she’s a narcissist. I started therapy after this incident and as I’ve been healing a lot of things have been coming up.

A couple months after going no contact I had a dream that was very traumatic, (again TW SA) my mom was holding me down while I was naked and legs open, SAing me, while my brother watched. I was screaming for her to stop and get out of her grasp but couldn’t. I looked up if this is normal and concluded it could symbolize the loss of control I feel in the relationship.

As a child I would have to take baths with her and she would penetrate my vagina and rectum with her fingers to clean me. I always thought this was a normal washing routine and am learning it’s not..? I can’t remember if there was anything else but had to sit in the tub while she laid down in it and read. I think these memories started to come up more when my husband and I started exploring sexually and the uncomfortably there has made me think of it. These memories kept coming up.

We’d bathe together all through adolescence and I have lots of images of her labia and boobs and am disgusted of it. I’m bisexual but never realized it until recently because if I pictured being sexual with women I pictured her and felt repulsed. If she or I was naked she’d always be like “you came out of my vagina there’s nothing I can’t see, I’m your mother.” “We’re all girls” “it’s nothing I haven’t seen” “I used to clean your diapers” etc.

Other things:

When I got my period in 5th grade she told me to try out tampons - it was the ones you stick right in without the dispenser. It really hurt and I was crying and didn’t want to do it. She then insisted she show me and put it in for me, I think I disassociated when this happened.

She would always comment on my body and how I was sexy and looked like her.

Would always supervise my doctor appointments where I would have to be completely naked throughout highschool. I hated this.

She would always tell me she was molested by her dad, sometimes in detail.

She would always have me sleep with her in the spare room, always thought it was weird she didn’t sleep with my dad, even though they would fight regularly.

It’s a hazy memory but once on vacation we went to a beach, me my mom dad and brother. It ended up being a nude beach and we stayed. I don’t believe any of us took off our clothes but I remember seeing a lot of naked people and was shocked. I’ve always thought it’s so weird we did that, and my dad went along with it because it feels like something he would not like or want to stay at (they are divorced now).

When I broke up with my first boyfriend in highschool I was sad and she demanded to know if we had sex. I had to tell her and I remember her being very upset but asking if I liked it and how it felt and where we did it. I remember being extremely comfortable and demanding her to stop.

Once I got in a lot of trouble as a kid, don’t remember what, and my dad forced my pants down and spanked my naked butt. I was so ashamed. I have a feeling she was behind this.

When she moved her new boyfriend in when I was in highschool she would comment on my “ass” saying it was sexy and asking her boyfriend if it looks like hers and he would say yes. I felt so disgusted.

I got sexual pretty young in 6th grade. Every sexual relationship I would clam up and never reciprocate, but willingly allowed things to be done to me and wanted it. Until my husband, he was always very patient with me. I think I would dissociate and feel extremely uncomfortable which is why I didn’t reciprocate. I have a pretty active sex life now but I still get extremely uncomfortable and dissociate when sexual things happen in shows or movies, particularly when I’m with other people even my husband. Have lots of shame around sex, especially masturbation.

I don’t like physical touch much at all, it makes me uncomfortable. Tight hugs make me feel restrained and friendly taps trigger me. She would do this a lot.

I’ve always had a huge hate for my mom that still no one grasps my pain and fear from her. I can’t remember a lot of my childhood because of the trauma, I remember falling asleep wishing she would die. I would also self harm a lot starting in elementary school, I hit my arm over and over again with a brush hoping to break it. I showed my mom and she let me put on a wrap. Maybe this was a cry out for help.. Later in middle school I cut and burned and my parents found out but never checked again or took me to therapy. I also had bulimia and anorexia that was never noticed but obvious.

In therapy I’ve been learning more about my dissociations and how much they happen, and wonder if it’s at all connected. I’m really terrified if something really bad happened when I was young that I have repressed. I just have had such a strong feeling something really bad happened to me for a long time now. I’m really scared to go down this road. Even writing this I am disassociating, but I do want to know. I told my husband about a couple of these things, the dream and the baths which was my first time ever voicing it. When I told him I was violently shaking and had a panic attack.

So I think that’s pretty much all I can remember right now.. after being in this sub and hearing your stories I’m starting to think all this wasn’t normal. Whenever I tell people about her, even my therapist, there’s like something in the back of my head saying “no you don’t understand how bad it was, there’s more.” Like even im missing something. If you’re still here, thank you for reading. Throwaway account for obvious reasons.

When I was a child, I had a reoccurring dream that had no visuals or sound. The “dream” consisted of two distinct physical feelings, one that I would describe as uncomfortable, painful, dark… The other was a good feeling that I described as rescuing me from the dark, soft, happy… I remember often asking kids and adults if they ever had a dream with no pictures or sounds, and people were very confused.

There are other “indicators” in my memories and stories from my childhood that suggest I was abused; I do not have any specific memories of SA, but I recognize a lot of my mom’s behaviors in what is discussed here.

Has anyone experienced something like my “dreams”? I want to try to understand what this was for me, but I’m also scared of what I might learn.

I don’t really know how to explain how I feel to the people that keep telling me I should be nicer to my mother because she raised me. Firstly, she didn’t raise me. She took money from people to look after me and spent it on herself. She often forgot to feed me and would disappear for long periods of time. When she was home she made my life hell. She started touching me inappropriately when I was really young and would often do it in front of other relatives because she thought it was funny. She encouraged my father to start raping me when I was really young and later would let other men rape me to, often drugging me to keep me compliant. By the time I was a teen she didn’t bother hiding how she felt and started treating me like her lover. She would make me sleep with her and go on dates. She kept saying that there was nothing wrong with it because she was also a woman and I was weird for making a big deal about it. I feel disgusted by her. My relatives don’t understand why I hate her. I don’t know how to explain to anyone that I’m so much more disgusted by what she did compared to what my father did. I hated it with both of them but feel so much more disgust towards my mother and I can’t explain it. A lot of times I wish my real mother was alive so that I would have to grow up with the crazy family I was placed with.

I got out of home when I was 19, her abuse of me had been going on for a long time at that point. I was homeless for a year before getting on my feet. Now I have a partner I love and her family are wonderful. I wish I knew what it felt like to grow up with that kind of connection to my mum. And I don't know what made my mum do what she did for so long, I'm pretty sure I'll never see her again to ask. All she's left me with are panic attacks and issues I'll take years to process. I just wish she'd loved me enough to not do it.

Recently I’ve been having this persistent image in my head of looking up my mom’s legs at her vagina. I don’t know why I’ve been having this image, I’m pretty sure it’s some attempt at fabricating a memory of overt molestation so that I can make sense of everything. Im pretty certain it didn’t actually happen, But I don’t know why I keep thinking of it

I also started watching the new Netflix show about the Menendez brothers recently and it’s been making me so anxious. Usually I consume a lot of media about r*pe that doesn’t make me feel like this but this time with the show it’s different. And I just don’t know how to make sense of my relationship with my mom because she never actually molested me

My mom slept with me naked in bed until high school, I remember the last time it happened I was literally 19 and was just staring at the wall as I coped with her naked body pressed against mine; my entire childhood she was naked all the time, she would be naked in MY bed, every detail of her vagina visible; she would give me massages as I was naked, it was never sensual but looking back that doesn’t seem right; I think I remember her inspecting my vagina during Covid (I was like 16) to check if I had any hygiene issues because I wasn’t showering enough; for some reason I sucked on her breasts until I was 10; when I started puberty a couple times she would give me breast massages which made me uncomfortable; in middle school she bought me lingerie; she grabbed and bit my ass constantly; there’s other things too but probably not worth the mention. When I say this all together and think of it in the bigger picture I can tell that my relationship with my mom was fucked and fucked me up even if she never had bad intentions, but when I think abt it individually I feel like it’s just fucking whatever

What do I make of this? What do you guys make of this? It reached a climax today where I was listening to a song that randomly got me so emotional and I got so upset, I felt like I had to release a physical weight off my chest to feel better, I had to either cry or throw up and I couldn’t cry so I made myself throw up. I don’t think I’ve ever done this before. I just don’t know what to do, what to make of this, she never molested me so I don’t know why I still think about it. I don’t always think about it; a couple months after my first time making the realization I’ve been able to resume being around her and feeling totally fine. But every here and then I get random bouts of intense anxiety and idk what to do about it

I have been thinking.

Time has been passing by and things are only getting harder. Day by day.

I have talked to some people online and in person about my experiences with her sexual abuse and disgusting behavior.

Unfortunately, it breaks my heart to accept that sexual abuse is in fact a huge part of her total abuse. It may still be, I wouldn't know. It's been a while since I've talked to her in any way. It hurts so much, but I can't look at her anymore.

I scooped on her Facebook and seen her face again. I don't know why I did that. I knew it would hurt and sting. Boy, it did. To look into those eyes, even over a screen, truly instills a fear and rage within me that no one else quite can.

I want to feel normal. I need to stop the pain of not knowing everything, and of being seen as some sick villain to the rest of my family.

I am mentally ill, that doesn't mean I would pull this shit out of my ass. I don't and have never found pleasure in lying, especially about things like this. Regardless, she would always tell everyone how much of a liar I was. How sick I was, and how she didn't know where I got any of it from. I was a child, not a deceptive person. A child. Again, I was under the age of 10, under the age of 16, I was a child. A kid. A toddler. A teen.

Her defense may be, that she was too. And she didn't know any better. Either way, it doesn't matter.

I need to report it. I want to. I am failing in my personal life and my health is not getting any better. Just worse. I can't keep shoving this down inside of me anymore. I can't fucking do it.

She still has access to kids. Minors. Many of them. I want to report her to the police, not CPS. CPS was involved a bunch when I was younger, even the cops once, but I was too young to be able to stand up for myself. I thought it was okay ans normal. It never was.

I don't know what this will cause, obviously more hurt and confusion. But I can not keep living like this. I am in school and need to start a life for myself. She lives 15 minutes away and I still dream of her.

So I ask, should I report her? Does anyone have any experience in doing so? Is it worth my time at all? Or should I continue to let her roam free. Despite her criminal activity. And the nature of said activity.

How can I do this in a way that actually will help me and others, and not get ignored and tossed away, like all those times before?

idk if i should forgive her or not. She said she didnt think this would affect me the way it did (her molesting me) she was tearful and sobbing alot. Idk how to feel abt this, I feel its a bit too late. She said ive become a strong woman and that shes so proud of me. Those words broke me. Ive wanted to hear them so much when I was a kid. Im just so confused abt her rn. I could use some support please. Im trying to leave and this is making me feel guilty. I wish she was gentle and kind to me when I was a little girl. This hurts. edit: she locked me and wont let me leave her justification is that she loves me and wants whats best for me

I recently watched the Menendez brothers show on Netflix and realised how my experiences resonanted with some of the abuse discussed in this show.

From being a very young age my mother would always comment on my body. Talk about the size of my breasts and how disgusting it was.

She would often strip off naked and run into my room, climb on top of me or lean over my face and body and force my head into her naked breasts. When I asked her to stop she would scream that it was her house and she could do what she wanted. She then started deliberately walking around thr house naked infront of me to further this point.

When I reached about 11 and started "exploring" myself, she would come in my room every night and check if I had been touching myself. Check where my hands were and often force me to show her my hand so she could smell my fingers.

She then told me how disgusting I was and used it to shame me into keeping secrets, by saying if I told people X she would tell everyone that I touch myself.

She would often do full frontal hugs and force me to full open mouth kiss her even when I was uncomfortable.

I also have memories of her touching herself infront of me and my sister and then smelling her fingers.

She would come in my room while I was getting changed and stand there while I was naked. When I asked her to leave she would scream at me that this was her house and she could stand where she wanted.

She would also stand with me and my sister and force us to check our underwear in the washing pile was dirty by smelling them and checking for "slug trails" as she would put it.

When I was suffering from ED she made my sister strip off infront of us and our Dad and commented on every part of my sisters body and compared it to mine.

There was other stuff too, a lot that I blocked out and I am scared that there is far worse stuff that I can't remember.

There was a lot of emotional and physical abuse along side this. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD almost 2 years a go now but have never really addressed the above points for feeling ashamed and guilty.

Hi everyone, I’ve been apart of this subreddit for a while whilst trying to start recovery after MDSA. Some of your stories make me feel so much less alone. Seeing some of the posts some of you make remind me of my darkest times. I just wanted to let you all know happiness and peace is possible after MDSA. You can live a fulfilling happy life full of love despite it all.

Hope you’re all doing well 🩷

I 24 afab am just realizing I also experienced sexual abuse from my mother. I struggled to pick out my mother as the potential source because the memories I do have of childhood are chaotic and dark .

-lots of neglect (starvation/lights or water off because of forgotten bills)

• Grandfather would watch us often (my Dad’s father) and he was a child molester who would pressure us into giving full mouth kisses. I distinctly recall a time he had sex with his girlfriend while I was in bed with them. They were also fostering children and the closest one to a cousin to me showed me and my sister porn and made us pee standing up to “relieve” the arousal.

-father is a very grandiose narcissist who’s various “hustles” throughout the years put us at risk of sexual exposure and assault. owned an adult film store where we were photographed nude. I suspect that we were being trafficked and it being passed off as “family vacations”. However these trips were usually to Vegas and in expensive hotels where my sister and I were routinely left unattended in bikinis at the pool.

However because my father was so overtly abusive in all of the ways, I always viewed my mother as a victim just like us. Like we were in it together and her daughters were the only reason she stayed alive- which was not helped by the fact that she was battling breast cancer at the height of the abuse.

https://youtu.be/Q_1mxZV37xY?si=e4_0QWudTpGBxv_W

But watching this video where a mdsa survivor told her story made me consider for the first time, the possibility that my mother was getting off on the abuse and discomfort of her daughters.

-I would often tell her that I could hear everything in their bedroom and bathroom from my room above. She wouldn’t let me move rooms even though there were other options. I routinely woke up to physical, verbal, and sexual abuse to the point of falling asleep in class. This is first grade.

-we told our mother that we were afraid at our grandfather’s house to the point of crying and hiding when we knew we would be dropped off, and she kept sending us. We were so afraid that we would sleep in bed with her and wet the bed. During this time she would put ointment on our vaginal areas that caused pain because of how inflamed the area was and wouldn’t take us to the doctor.

-she used to pressure me and my sister along with above cousin to do “halftime performances” for our drunk male relatives over to watch the football game. We were encouraged to wear short shorts and crop top jerseys and she was like way too into it.

-she was always flashing me after getting out of the shower and taking way too long to get dressed telling us to “look away if you don’t want to see what you will look like at my age” it always made me cringe and freeze but she does it to this day still to my sister.

-she made us wear underwear on our head to sleep and would “forget” to take it off before dropping us off at school.

-she allowed a non relative man to move into our home and be unsupervised with us “for your dad’s work”

-she would hug me full front when she knew how uncomfortable it made me. Then she would loudly complain snd whine to everyone in the room how stiff/limp my body was(because I was dissociating) and wouldn’t let go until I squeezed her back for long enough. When we were alone she told me if I wouldn’t give her hugs she could just “take them from me”

-was disgusted with me when my period started and told me to hide my pads because she could see them in the trash and “periods are not everyone’s business we have guests”

-would examine and comment on my teenage body saying things like “you got your hips and booty from your mother but I don’t know where you got those big boobs from. Certainly wasn’t me!” She seemed genuinely jealous and angry at times and different other times. Over and over after I asked her to stop commenting on my body.

There is so much more but this is getting so long. Even reading this back I am still confused about my experience and am struggling with sobriety. Is some of this still mdsa if my mom was also a victim? Is this something else entirely? How do I stop the memories from flooding back so painfully?

TEIGGER WARNING, SA

I was 3. Or 4. My father married her after divorcing my volatile mother (she was in and out of jail, alcoholic, the works). My step mother and I were at her parents house, just around the corner from my grandparents on my dad's side. I think my dad had just joined the Navy.

Anyways. She asked me if I wanted a sour lollipop. I said no, I don't like sour things. She "persuaded" me to "just try it". She then said she had to blindfold me. I remember her sitting me down, blindfolding me, and then her pulling down her sweatpants. She placed her hand on my head, and told me to lick. She kept pushing my head closer to her, and I remember her scratchy pubes and the stench and the taste, and her sounds. After a few minutes of crying, I said, "I'm sorry mommy, I can't do it," and she sighed, pulled up her pants, and walked away. I sat there with the blindfold on, terrified of what might happen.

The next thing I remember, we were in the bedroom making the bed, and I looked at her and asked her why she did it. She just said, "What?? No I didn't. What are you talking about?" Such a clear lie, with the voice and everything. I remember her getting in my face and saying, "It. Never. Happened!" This low, scary whisper. I thought to myself, as just a toddler, "I'll never forget this."

30 years later, and I never forgot. I went no contact with her years ago, in my early 20s. She wasn't my real mother, but I called her "mommy", because my real mother wasn't around for so long. This is only the tip of the iceberg with the other abuses she threw out to me and my older brother (RIP 2007). She once stuck her tongue down my throat when I was just 7, but every other kind of abuse was her screaming and yelling at us kids. I fantasize about her demise daily.

How do I let this go? I'm not on speaking terms with 90% of my family. There's a pain in my heart that refuses to go away. How do I deal?

Thank you all for reading.

I personally don't like wearing bras at home, because of the weather, and I feel uncomfortable in them. My mom, never loses a chance to point that out. She stares at my chest, and tells me because my brother and father live here too I should wear one and I look shitty without one. It makes me really uncomfortable when she stares honestly. Like I feel so disgusted when she looks at me like that and makes weird comments, I can't explain why.

She also always points out how "fat" I've gotten, a lot. Laughs at jokes at how fat i am, with my brother. I'm honestly not sure, if I'm overreacting with this, but I just wanted to vent about it.

Has anyone recovered from this? What sort of therapy helped? Have you been able to have intimate relationships since? How do you stay present day to day and enjoy a sexual relationship? I'm aware that I maladaptive daydream everyday which prevents me from being aware of my feelings which can be difficult to manage. I'm happier when I can be engaged with tasks and therefore present and productive.

When I was younger, around maybe 4-6 my cousin showed me porn, twice, I don’t remember if she did anything to me though- but that’s not the point. The point is, either after or before that, I was laying on the couch across from my mom; who was on the other couch, she was watching tv or something, and I guess she wanted to watch porn or something?? I don’t know, I can’t remember if it was actually a porno or an explicit scene in a movie.

Anyways, it had a trailer of a guy drinking a girls pee through a straw or something I think, and she told me I should go to my room, but I didn’t, she let me stay and watch it I think.

Does that count? Or am I dramatic? I feel like a horrible person. I don’t even remember what age I was.

i don’t want to be here anymore. i’m turning 18 soon, and i moved out in april but ive been flunking uni and right now my dad is paying my rent and hes married to my mother who sexually abused me. I remember seeing one of the menendez brother’s testimony and it just triggered me and made me remember more. i dont want to live anymore i dont understand i dont think i can live with this i dont think im cut out for life i just want to be gone i have a day planned and everything i just cant do this i hate that i have to be in contact with her and im not doing anything worthwhile or even passing any of my classes so what’s the point in being here? I don’t think I can get myself back up I’ve tried but I’ve been flunking school for the past year, I don’t have many friends, I just don’t see the point of being alive anymore. I want to get help but the more I think about it the more I know I want to d*e. I’m sorry I just needed to talk about it somewhere

I often feel that something must be wrong with me because I maintain a very close relationship with my mother even though I’m now a mother myself. Part of me feels I should have excluded her from my life years ago but another part of me is drawn to her. It’s so confusing.

Abuse?

Just realised how fucked up my childhood was, I’m 23 F now. It’s easier if I just list everything. I did not realise because it was so normalized. I was an only child so they were very protective.

1. My mom used to watch me shower when I was a teenager and wash my hair and my body. She would then proceed to make comments about my boobs, hoping that mine don’t grow as big as hers. Not sure what kind of abuse this comes under
2. I was not allowed any locks on my bedroom door, one time I asked and my parents claimed it was because they didn’t know what I was doing in the room with the door locked.
3. I was not allowed any friends over or allowed to express any feelings about boys, it was almost like a taboo in my house. When my parents found out I was bisexual my mom started crying and ranting about how she would never have any grandkids and that I enjoy threesomes. AT 14 YEARS OLD. I was also never given the sex talk.
4. My mom used to hold me down by my arms on the sofa and pick at my skin, one time I was screaming and crying. I used to have really bad acne, I still have scars now. To this day I literally have OCD picking over my face.

To this day I still have very low self esteem and as a teenager I was very shy and quiet. My mom used to also call me a bitch and say why can’t I be more like my friend. She also would make remarks about my butt. You don’t realize because it’s so normalized. Anyone else have any similar experiences? Thanks for letting me vent.

I've been trying to make sense of this for years and only recently (through therapy) started to trust my own feelings enough to start putting these memories into words. So this is another 'is this SA' post...

For context I'm afab, in my late 30s, live far away from my family.

Some things I remember about my family that seem 'off':

• mother often walking around naked (something my oldest sister would also do)
• mother walking in while I'm in the shower (again, both mother and sister would do that)
• comments on specific body parts, like my legs, breasts, hair
• grabbing my breasts or slapping my ass (my mother, sister, and on occasion my grandmother - on dad's side though not mother's!)
• mother buying 'sexy' lingerie for me and my sisters
• the worst one was my mother kissing or licking my ear. This is a very sensitive body part for me so it created sensations which registered as pleasure, but I also didn't want it to happen but didn't know how to say no + it would sort of be over too quickly to kick up a fuss. I didn't fully believe myself that this happened until years later I saw her doing it to one of my nieces. I'm ashamed to say I didn't react at all because, I thought to myself this is nothing to worry about and if I ever had a problem with it it's because there was something wrong with me and I was making stuff up. That this is just normal affection and if there was something wrong with it, someone else would have done or said something, and if they're not it's because it's all fine. The more I'm typing this out the more I can see that thus is weird as fuck and shouldn't be happening.

Won't go into details here but there was definitely enmeshment and to an extent, emotional incest.

There was never any prying into my sexual life, I've seen others post about it but for me it was the opposite - like it would have been almost shameful for me to have a boyfriend (Im actually bi but same sex dating would have never been an option because of where I grew up). I never dated anyone until I was at uni and far away from the family. Took a while to bring someone home and feel like it wasn't somehow wrong for me to have a partner.

The main reason I think this was all sa is because to this day I have strong physical reactions to seeing my mother, or seeing other people do similar things to what i described. Like I saw a friend biting their kid's ear in what I guess was meant to be playful once and I nearly threw up. When I see my mother, or even photos of her especially when you can see her body like holiday snaps when she's in a swimming costume, I have physical sensations all over my body which I find difficult to describe. Like a mixture of revulsion, apprehension, panic/fear but also weird something akin to arousal but one i desperately dont want and try to suppress. That part I hate the most, it's what makes me feel disgusted with myself, like I'm part of it all, like I'm the one who's sick.

But often I still question this because there are also some good memories. Because she can also be caring, and sometimes playful and fun. Though the moods were always unpredictable and when she was displeased with something it would be silent treatment or aggression.

My dad was physically violent towards my sister but not me when we were young, this stopped when my sister got older, like in her late teens. Verbal violence was common throughout my childhood and adolescence. But he could also be kind and funny, he taught my to ride a bike and swim etc, when I got older I appreciated talking world affairs and politics with him. Never experienced any sexually inappropriate touching or comments from him.

Idk I guess I can't wrap my head around it all. There was definitely some awful stuff that happened from both my parents but also what I would say was normal tenderness, kindness, affection. Just a lot of horrid grim stuff wrapped in it too.

Does this make any sense? Am I crazy? For others who had similar experiences, how do you cope with maintaining contact with your family without losing your mind?

Am I alone in this? I have thoughts that seam to pop up out of nowhere when alone. This Leeds to excitement almost against my will. Always to the memories of being touched. After I always hate myself for having these feelings. Did I like it? Did I cause it? Was It my fault??? It sucks because it's the only thing that gets me off. Am I alone in this? Am I just sick??

I’m glad Inwas told about this forum. My 13 yo daughter recently disclosed to me that her grandmother used to bath and shower naked with her from ages 4-8. She said she also would lotion her afterwards. During lotion time on multiple occasions my daughter said she stuck her finger inside her. Has anyone ever heard of the grandma doing this to a granddaughter? To our knowledge there is no SA in the family. We are all ripped apart.

My sneezes, too.

So much my anatomy borrows,

From her wicked form.

(For safety)

I don’t really know how to start this post. I’m currently 20 and left home over a year ago now due to many factors, the main one being my parents. I have no siblings.

I didn’t have the best relationship with my parents due to various reasons that I won’t be discussing here however I was physically and emotionally abused throughout my childhood.

Recently I’ve had flashbacks regarding my mother that I know are real because I remember. I don’t know what triggered them but I remember every detail.

My mum used to bathe me and sometimes shower with me up until the age of eleven. I don’t know why as I was more than capable of doing it myself.

I don’t remember exactly how old I was but I was definitely around the age of 7/8. I remember she was showering me with mint shower gel and she put some on her hand/sponge then began washing/roughly rubbing my private area. I screamed as it stung like hell and I cried. Again, I don’t know why she did it.

Then another incident occurred when I was 12. I hadn’t showered with my mother nor was she involved in my hygiene rituals anymore. Anyway, we were on a holiday away. We weren’t in a rush and it was the evening so I’m assuming we were getting ready to go eat.

As I was in the shower, my mother comes in and began vigorously washing me. I scream, cry and, shout at her I couldn’t breathe as the shower wasn’t exactly large. I put my hands over my neck as I felt like I couldn’t reach air and didn’t know what to do. I felt helpless and violated.

As with most to the abuse, my mother forced me to laugh it off. Years to come she would joke about it and I’d join in because it was my normal, like all the other abuse that took place.

Did these specific series of events come from a sexual place? I don’t know. I just want some clarity from someone who has maybe gone through something similar.

NSFW? ISH?? (idk how to tag I'm sorry)

(AFAB) I've been questioning if what happened to me would count as SA. My mom showered me as a child. Something normal. But the thing is that she kept showering me/wanting to shower with me when I was already able to do it on my own. She said she "didn't believe I could do it properly" so it just kept going till I was like 8. I remember always being afraid of shower time. Specially because my mom was "too rough" and "intrusive". She made me wash 'places' roughly despite me genuinely sobbing it hurted and I didn't like her doing that. She would just get mad at me. So I always assumed it was normal.

When I was in primary school, I met a classmate who said he also showered with her mom. Which made me feel more comfortable thinking it was perfectly normal she still did it. Later on, that same kid showed me his parts without my consent then indulged me to do the same. I remember vividly I was a hypersexual child. Letting classmates touch me in certain ways. Mimic certain stuff that weren't appropriate. I just never thought of it as something odd. Many other events like this with kids my age happened, which I won't go into detail but it's important sharing I believe. ( + Another occasion with my mom but this time was out of the shower which now there wasn't an excuse of "washing me properly" except I drank too much pool water)

Mind you I'm (undiagnosed but definitely sure) under the autistic spectrum so I never talked about it with anyone, specially after that classmate's incident. And fairly enough, everything was and it's still blurry. I used to have, and still have, out of body flashbacks of me crying in the shower while my mom forced what I previously mentioned. I don't wanna be too specific but it involves objects (soap, body sponge, her own hand.) And penetration. Which I'm now thinkimg that it shouldn't happen during bathing a child.

My suspicion is that this might've gone through years probably since I was born till around 9 or so. I can't really remember when she stopped the action but she still insisted showering together.

I'm currently in therapy but I'm still unsure since my therapist hasn't given me an answer about it (which I think it's fair since I'm not stable + I still live with my alleged abuser.)