I got a new therapist and I’m happy with her. We had our intro session last week and I gave some details about my childhood. I don’t recall a lot of it which is an issue within itself. I’m starting to remember really weird shit. I have a sister closer to my age (I’m the oldest) and she would touch my body naked and not naked and make fun of my body. My mom would join in verbally I don’t recall her touching me. This sister even has small children would ask me to sniff her butt etc. I also realized like 5 mins ago I had issues wetting the bed until I was 11-12. Not frequent but obliviously enough to recall. This sister also violently would attack me and my mom would tell me I deserved it or I would get grounded for fighting back (she would put pillows over my head and I would claw to get free and to try to get her off of me). She would sit on me and tickle me to the point I was crying. This is all I recall for now but was I sexually abused? I really want progress in therapy bc I recall so much of the abusive household I want to be better I need you guys to give input I’m fucking terrified right now.

Edit: after I had to move back in after I was hospitalized I took a shower and this sister and my mother came in screaming at me for using the wrong towel and how disgusting I am for wiping my vagina on this towel that was someone else’s. We had so many towels it could easily be replaced and I didn’t know it was someone else’s I just wanted to bathe.

Edit edit: my mother thru adulthood (30s) would make me rub her back while she was naked and she would moan and make odd noises and if I said no she would pout. No other sibling was asked to do this task.

Edit edit edit: my mom would constantly walk around nude unless my father was home this went into adulthood even tried it around my toddler son. She had to be in all dressing rooms when I was growing up thru high school. She would be persistent about sharing beds when she could make it seem like the only option and blamed me for getting a cat to keep her out of my bed when I lived in an apartment during my divorce.

Hi, I'm ftm (he/him) but obviously my mom thought I was her daughter at the time. I don't have any explicit memories of SA but have a lot of weird memories that sort of circle around it.

-I remember drawing a picture of a naked man peeing and a naked woman breastfeeding when I was really little, maybe 7 or so? My parents found them and freaked out, asking how I knew to draw this stuff. I don't remember what I said or how I knew

-Saw my mom naked from the waist down in the bathroom once. I don't remember the context or if it was an accident, like maybe she forgot to lock the bathroom door or something. I was very uncomfortable with it. Is that normal??

-Did a lot of weird sexual behaviors as a small child, like peeing in the dog's water bowl and taking a shit on the bathroom floor. I remember doing this specifically because it felt sexual. Mom found out both times and totally freaked out

-She had us shower together sometimes but always while wearing bathing suits. Is that normal?

-When I was maybe 10 or so I got in trouble for drawing a naked woman on the shower door using conditioner. I did it every time I showered and I guess I must have forgotten to wash it off. I still don't know how I learned to draw it. It was alarmingly accurate for a 10y/o

-Mom noticed I was starting puberty before I did. Took me to the store to buy me training bras because she said when I leaned over my shirt exposed my chest and people would look. She also made me shave my armpit hair. This was when I was like 9

-I remember drawing on my stomach with a sharpie when my chest was changing during puberty. I'd rather not way what it was but it was kind of weird and sexual and related to my chest. My mom somehow saw it from like under my shirt or something? She demanded that I show her and I told her I didn't want to because it was my body not hers. She wouldn't listen and made me do it despite me being clearly humiliated and made a really big deal out of it

-She would always touch me when she woke me up for school in the morning. Only ever on my arms or shoulders but I always found it really gross and creepy. At a certain point I started just kicking her whenever she tried. She was furious and nobody understood why I was having that reaction

-Took me to the doctor for an examination when I started puberty. She acted like it was just standard procedure for when kids get to that age. I remember also finding the doctor really creepy and weird, and my dad even mentioned how unsettling that doctor was years later. He examined my chest and genitals and I think it was without my mom in the room. I don't know what the fuck was going on with that but it was definitely traumatizing. Is any of that even remotely normal?

-My parents got divorced when I was in middle school and I slept in my mom's bed with her for a long period, somewhere from weeks to months. I don't remember her touching me or anything but she was really offended when I started sleeping in my own bed again.

Now that I'm writing this all out I realize how fucked up it all sounds LOL. It's obviously abusive and wrong but I guess since I can't remember any instances of explicitly sexual touching I've never been sure what to make of it. I often wonder if there's parts I'm still blocking out. Has anyone had similar experiences? I'd love to hear your feedback and thanks for reading.

(He/him)

She tried to make me sleep in her bed tonight. She kept caressing my hair and I told her to stop because I don’t let people touch my hair.. eventually she stopped and at some point started rubbing my thigh. I feel sick. It was late and she’s drunk and I just wished she’d fall asleep. I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping there and I’d wait until she was asleep and leave. I was so afraid of what she’d do if I fell asleep. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep… I hate this feeling

I’m new to Reddit. I’m F 27.

I’m an only child, predominantly raised by my mum but my dad was very much a great co-parent and always present. I always felt my mum was a little bit too touchy.

As an only child and my mum didn’t really raise me to be independent.

Up until the age of the 11, my mum would wash me on the bed and spread my legs open and wipe my genitals and rub my clitoris. I remember being really young and looking forward to being washed because I found it relaxing.

My mum would also wipe me up after I did a number 2 on the toilet. I’d shout “finished” and she’d come to clean me.

She also made me kiss her on the lips and I found them “wet”, like she went in for a snog.

She also told me she really liked my bum. And it became an inside joke. If I wanted something (a toy or a treat), I’d pull down my pants and show my mum my bum for her to kiss and give me the toy or treat.

We lived in a 1 bedroom apartment and I shared a bed with her until I was 13. She used to try to spoon me, and cuddle me way too tightly. When I was younger, I think she used to pulsate whilst spooning me.

As I got older the touchiness slowed down. But as I went through puberty, I started to watch pornography and I went to a girls school and started to have feelings for girls at school. I didn’t really tell me mum this. But if I mentioned a friend at school more than once, she’s ask me if that was my girlfriend… I’d only have been around 15.

As long as I can remember, whenever there was a gay or lesbian scene on the TV, my mum would always alternate between saying, “I’d be with a woman”, to saying “what could two women possibly do together”. Every scene, every time.

As I got into my late teens and twenties, my mum suddenly turned from this strong single mum into a pathetic wimpy lady and almost turned me into her husband (if that makes sense).

She used to be able to do loads by herself, but suddenly now, she treats me like it’s my job to do it, and like she’s my feminine wife.

After leaving the girls high school, I went to university and I could go clubbing, and I became way more into guys. I’ve had countless boyfriends.

But since my last break up a few months ago, I’ve been contemplating experimenting with girls. However, I feel guilty… like it’s a result of what my mum did to me, and because I enjoyed being washed as a child.

I no longer lived with my mum (never fully moved back home after university), but still live close by.

Today, I was looking for some old documents and I went to my mum’s house whilst she was at work but she didn’t know I was going.

I found some sex magazines with naked vaginas in her bedside table, right on top. It was the confirmation I needed that she had lesbian desires, but it’s also making me realise that I was now possibly a victim of mdsa…

Do you think it’s wrong for me to jump to this conclusion or does this sound like mdsa?

I feel as though, there is nothing else I can do. My brain is shitting the bed, and it is my time to go now. I dont know where that is, or how ill get there. But,

I love you Luke I love you all I love you Hunter I miss you to bits I love you All. Ok? I want nothing more than to hold you all one more time in my arms You have grown into someone and something amazing. I adore you. I love you all. Please forgive me. For not being quick or smart enough.

Remember me I will always remember

hello there, the last time i had posted something on here was about a year ago and i'm back on reddit again. this hardly has anything to do with mdsa but i just wanted to say it's possible to live your life and get better, even after knowing the abuse you have gone through. i no longer have contact with my mother, i've gone back to school to finish my education, and i've even made a couple of new friends. even though i still struggle with flashbacks every now and then, i no longer feel angry all the time. i don't know, a year ago i was a complete mess who couldn't even go outside without panicking and disassociating, but now i feel like a normal human being again. this type of abuse is awful and when you're struggling with the aftermath it feels like you can never be a normal functioning person again, atleast that's how it felt for me. but if you're anything like how i was, i just wanted to give you hope and say that you will be okay. the world won't feel as bleak anymore. you'll be able to look in the mirror without feeling dirty. you'll remember the person you used to be and feel proud of how far you've come.

It took me a long time to realize what my mom was doing was also sexual assault and abuse. The physical abuse was obvious but the sexual abuse less so. How do I help my sisters? CPS doesn't take it seriously because there is no more physical abuse now. So at least it's a little bit better but at the same time I know she still overtly talk sexually with my little sister and I don't know how to help her. The police can't help CPS can't help and I'm terrified of my mother I don't even like to see her but I'll face her to help my sister I just don't know what to do. I've tried telling her it's not appropriate. She's bragged that my sister is another pervert like her like it's some good thing. But she's fucking 10. She should barely know what sex is at this point beyond just a basic sex education. She has her joking around about sexual activities. I don't know how to help her and it hurts so much knowing I can't save her.

The only consolation that I have is that she doesn't physically touch her she doesn't beat her she doesn't make her her house slave like she did to me. But she's so inappropriate to everyone around her.

Okay my mother is a addict and obsessive with anything she can get her hands on. I dont remember 0-7 but around 8 I remember weird flags like drawing pictures of sex and saying I wanted that with my friends, cocsa and vivid dreams of mdsa BUT I already had intrusive thoughts so I was uncomfortable but ignored the dreams. Me and brother experience alot of non sexual abuse and neglect because of the addictions to drugs money men whatever. I have behavior issues as a teen and have to do some therapy with the school and that's when my mom started convincing everyone I'm a psycho and telling me we'll get taken and have a worse life if I talk. So everyone including family just thinks I'm crazy because no trauma is being reported. At 15 my mom goes to prison for scamming old people. I have my first daughter at 17 and my mom gets out of prison when I'm 18. i let her move in with me because she's "sober and changed". She convinced me to leave my child's father (there were huge issues) but now she's the savior for watching my baby while I work 6p -6a 4 days a week. The whole time I'm very paranoid about my mother and keeping her with my daughter but I set up cameras and she really was a different person I also taught my daughter about her body and private parts but she cannot speak well yet.

Finally We move into separate places and I get daycare because I cannot shake this horrible nasty feeling about her even though she looks and acts perfect now she would do anything for us now. We would fight alot because I would call out her weird behaviors with my daughter but it wasn't weird enough to accuse her and she convinced me I'm paranoid and psycho. We still had a close relationship because she helps me out as a single mom alot.

I start therapy and later start EMDR realize those dreams were NOT intrusive thoughts and the sexual abuse stopped when I could draw pictures and speak about it.

I have always asked my daughter if someone was touching her and the answer was no. I think me going to therapy made our relationship stronger and now she was comfortable enough to confide in me. Now My daughter is 4 I just learned about my mdsa. this time I asked specifically if grandma was touching her and she told me everything and said "she stopped when I said i dont want to anymore" my heart broke. we moved states within a week. I didn't report anything we didnt go to the doctors because there would be no physical evidence on my daughter with what my mom made her do.

Its my fault because I put my daughter around her but I SWEAR ON MY LIFE I didn't remember I really didn't and I think that's crazy. I think it's so cruel how much she convinced me I'm crazy like it was a funny game for her and it worked. My daughter has never spoke to her again but she misses her everyday. She pretended to be the perfect grandma and she was my daughters favorite person. I struggled at first with thinking my daughter was ruined bc it ruined me but I know that's horrible to think. I struggle so hard with how my mom have no empathy but everyone still loves her and we moved with nothing so we're struggling and she's happy. I hate her. She's evil. She ruined me and tried to ruin my daughter. This happened like 2 months ago. I haven't told a soul. With the way my mom has been my whole life and made me out to be I genuinely think no one will believe me and I don't want to tell them and hurt more when they still love her to death. My daughter didn't deserve this I can't believe i didnt know I thought we were doing amazing with my mom's support now that shes sober and the whole time my daughter is going through that. I want to give up. I feel like such a pos mom I failed her . We're starting over and doing ok all of us are in therapy and my daughter is really good with processing her feelings but she holds so much shame at such a young age. It's not always bad but sometimes she says she hates her body and she hates earth. My mom will never care or be sorry or even see how much damage shes always done to make herself happy. I hate her so much . She's disgusting and now I see why she hated herself so much . I would have to convince her not to kill herself and sometimes I wish I didn't .

Hi everyone. I wanted to share my story and hope to get some answers and advice from you all.

Growing up, my mom would grope me and poke my private area. I honestly can’t remember what age this started but I was definitely young. I remember her getting on top of me and tickling me or trying to give me a kiss. I thought it was weird as a kid and even got upset with her. As a result, she got upset with me and didn’t speak to me for a week. Since then, she hasn’t done that but she will occasionally smack my butt or grab my chest. It is very annoying and makes me feel uncomfortable. I’ve told her this several times but she wont completely stop. She’ll even say that “I’m your mother and I can touch you whenever I want”. This has never completely gone to full blown sexual activity and she doesn’t seem to get a sexual rise out of it. Is this considered MDSA?

Edited: I forgot to mention that my mother is victim of sexual assault from an older cousin.

I have struggled with my sexuality and vaginismus and extreme anxiety around sex for years. When I finally cut off my mom from my life, I began to notice emotional incest patterns in what she would say and do with me. I never thought of it as sexual abuse, more emotional abuse, but more recently in therapy I have begun exploring that part of my ptsd. I never remembered. I jolt away if my partner touches me intimately when I'm not ready. I almost start crying every time and feel panicked and feel like slapping or kicking, though I never do. I never correlated the constant "medical checks" my mother would do, and my reaction to being touched. It always hurt, whatever she would do. don't know exactly what happened, but I am pretty sure it wasn't right or necessary. She refused to not come into the bathroom every time I showered, through my entire childhood until I was an adult. She just about broke down the door when I locked it once, around 18 years old. She gave me a vibrator​ at 14 or so. She exposed me to older boys and men that could have, and definitely wanted to hurt me. She would tell me incredibly intimate details about herself. What was veiled as sex positivity in my life was so manipulative, and it makes me sad for my child self that I haven't recognized it or acknowledged it until now.

so like - ive talked to several different people about it and people seem to think that it was MDSA, and honestly after looking thru what counts as CSA i agree with them too - but, i don't really do anything, like okay, im pretty sure she sexually abused me and even if she didnt shes done other stuff that counts as other forms of abuse, but i dont do anything about it. like i just move on and continue interacting with her like none of it happened. im a minor and cant move out so i cant like cut contact or tell a therapist or anything like that - i mean she just helped me dye my hair and im going shopping with her for my birthday next week

like i know what she did was mdsa now, like what do i do with that information

tw: mentions of lingerie and genitals (nothing graphic just a slight mention on the latter, shouldnt be triggering but im adding it here in case it is)

so - my mom gave me a few pieces of clothing a few years ago that i paid no mind to since i was like - 10 or smth idk

anyways i looked at the tag and realized they're from a underwear a lingerie brand (keep in mind i was like 11-10 when she gave me this)
they are very clearly lingerie , not like - oh its lingerie but it looks like a bra - it was unmistakenably lingerie, it also wasnt a case of like "oh this doesnt fit me so ill just give it to her!" without looking at it - knowing her size (this isnt meant to be demeaning its just me and my mom are in two different clothing sizes and its important context i wouldnt add otherwise) it wouldnt have ever fit her - its far too small so i have NO idea why she would have it other than she planned to give it to me, fyi she gave me like sports bras n stuff but that was because of puberty or smth idk, i just dont see why she'd give me lingerie that dont even slightly serve as a bra ??

shes done other weird shit like getting me to twerk in front of her and my dad at 4 (like actively encouraging it - she knew id seen it from the reality tv shows they watched and was like "show me what twerking is again!" frequently), showing me one of my male family members genitals multiple times when i was like 4-6 (no, i do not feel comfortable disclosing what family member this was, dont dm me just to ask), constantlyyyy commenting on my chest and ass when i was like 6, used to BEG me to sleep in with her again when i decided i wanted to have my own privacy when i was like 7 (this couldve been innocent just odd with all the other shit)

shes done other stuff i just dont feel like giving the whole grocery list, idk if it is mdsa or just my mom being odd or some shit its just weird to me

You know, ever since I started remembering stuff, I just feel like my brain fully developed and now the concept of love seems kind of warped in my mind but, rationally, more clear.

Words of affirmation, reassurance, affection. None of this matters anymore. None of this is love.

The only way I feel loved or cared for is when something sick and twisted is happening to me.

I reduced contact quite drastically and suddenly a few months ago. I still get in touch and I saw her twice thus year, just in a very boundaried way. (I live in a different country and flew to where she and the rest of our family were on two occasions, but only saw them for a few hours each time - made the rest of it a nice holiday for myself which was actually a huge and positive change for me.)

She texted me today asking if she had done anything wrong. For me there was a lot of blurred boundaries, odd behaviours that were not as overtly sexual as some described by others on this channel, but which still made me uncomfortable for years (like walking around naked, buying me and my sisters lingerie, commenting on our bodies, and a weird ear licking thing which i honestly dont even know how to categorise). I don't really have any clear memories though or specific examples to give her. It's just the general vibe. Like I generally feel very icky around her, I hate when she touches me or tries to be emotionally close/make me her best friend.

I also don't really like her as a person. She can be kind, generous and thoughtful. But she can also be moody, mean and condescending. Her mood swings strongly affected me and my sisters when we were growing up - the familiar walking on eggshells situation. Her worldview is also different to mine.

All this means I just don't really want to spend a lot of time with her. I haven't cut her off completely because that seemed more trouble than it's worth. But the reduced contact suits me. I'm much more at peace with myself now.

I don't know how to explain all this to her but I also don't want to brush it off and say 'nothing really'. Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? What level of engagement did you go for? Try to explain / avoid / explain but just a bit?

The older I (27) get the more I realize what she did. I am in denial, we still have a relationship, I have never discussed any of this with her (or anyone else) she wouldn’t tell the truth if she even remembered she is an actual narcissist. She was ALWAYS naked with me and other siblings it wasn’t weird at the time just a normal thing. She would touch herself in front of us again it wasn’t a big deal at the time I was probably 8 or so it didn’t just happen one day it was the norm.. she wasn’t “pleasuring herself” (no moaning) she would just touch if that makes any sense.. I don’t remember her ever trying to touch me. She would constantly try to watch me in the shower and catch me naked I was extremely shy would never change in front of her etc. She would warn me about guys only wanting sex, I remember her singing this song and saying guys will go around and play the “pop her cherry game” & would sing this creepy little “pop her cherry pop pop her cherry” and I had no idea what that even meant she never once even had the sex talk with me…her husband even told me about “having my mom against the wall” i remember having no clue what that meant this meant (before I even knew what sex was) Once I threw away my electric toothbrush I remember to this day she smelled the brush part and I never understood until I got older. She was overly obsessed and excited when I got my period I remember she bought me a gift and I quickly learned that wasn’t normal. I moved in with my dad @16 it was 7 hours away. I went to visit her with my bf (now husband) I was 19 and she had not met him yet, that night she crawled in the bed with us grabbed my butt and said “my ass” I didn’t even think it was weird I’m so ashamed. She was obsessed with rape, for example when I moved in with my dad she said all of his friends would rape me, I remember being so confused because she would threaten to take me to the gyno and said they will “finger me and it will hurt” I was probably 12 I remember thinking that fingering was sexual and when she told me that it completely confused me about sexual things and the doctors…I’m sorry this is so long…I just feel so alone. I justify her a lot, she’s a narcissist but I just have so much guilt? As I’m writing this I’m thinking to myself “it’s an exaggeration” or “I’m lying” I don’t know why… I know that’s not the truth I’m just in such denial. I am afraid to mention it in therapy because it’s just weird. I just want to give my mom an excuse even though she doesn’t deserve it.

One instance of MDSA is my mom forced a tampon in me when I didnt want it. I recently opened up about everything to my best friend. We grew up together and she shared how my mom had a strange interest in her period, convinced her to use tampons, and basically begged her to go into the bathroom with her to help her insert it (she felt very uncomfortable and declined, thank god). She even followed up weeks later and still tried convincing her. I’m disgusted.

I guess I was there for part of the conversation and don’t even remember it at all, it was when I was in fifth grade and 10 years old. We were at a birthday party for her sister at a hotel, which apparently happened every year but I have zero memory of this which is crazy. I was trying to tell my best friend about tampons and my mom kept inserting herself into the conversation and was so excited about it, and my friend said it was like an “us thing”. Ew. And her mom was there. Like why not have this conversation with her mom?!?

Whenever I picture the memory of my mom forcing the tampon in me I thought I was a teenager, but this confirms I was only 10, so immediately after I started my period, she convinced me to use tampons. So she was still sticking her fingers in me at that age.

She also mentioned that my mom would be naked around them ALL THE TIME which I totally forgot about. She says she knows exactly what my mom looks like naked and no idea what her own mom’s boobs look like, possibly saw them once. My mom always framed this “openness” as we’re all girls and they’re basically her daughters too.

I’m so fucking mad that she brainwashed me into thinking this was normal and my friends were in danger of her, and I had no idea. Im waiting to hear back from her sister if she has any additional memories I can’t remember. I really hope my mom didn’t do anything to her

I’m curious about this, I’ve been wanting to get therapy but I’ve heard horror stories about MDSA survivors being told to basically get over it, or therapists telling them that they’re straight up lying

Have you found a therapist you feel safe with? If so, what is some advice you have?

Thanks and sending goodness to you all

Mostly because of my mother. I just can't deal with all the abuse anymore. She no longer sexually abuses me but she still abuses my in all kinds of other ways.

I did move out when I was 18 but my I still had contact with friends and family, they knew where I live, my school, etc.

Even when I lived far away, I still felt constantly uneasy that my mother knew where I was and had to keep contact with her for various reasons.

But because my PTSD was very severe, I had to move back in with my family. Feeling so much better now, ever since I started therapy and medication. So now, I think I'm fully capable by myself.

Now, my plan is to save enough money to move to another country, cut everyone off, literally leave everything behind, I'm going somewhere no one knows me.

Just venting :/

I can't believe I'm just now realizing this wasn't normal. When I asked for medical advice as a kid about boils and or acne in my vaginal area my mom became obsessive about wanting to check my private part and popping anything there. She would hold me down and not stop when I asked her. If I didn't lay down on the bed she would yell at me or coax me. Her cure all for most things was hydrogen peroxide. So she would treat any thing she found with that once it was open (regular acne or whatever was in my vaginal area). Which stinged like hell (I think it also felt numb after but I don't know for sure and really don't want to know).

I just did some googling. You are never supposed to pop boils and if they persist you are supposed to go the doctor. My mom was spreading the infection which meant that her behavior of checking me went on longer and she got to feel like a caregiver longer. I think she did give me hygiene advice, but she was also super against any form of masturbation. So being focused on that section of the body felt very taboo.

I think this ended when I started lying to her. I remember being asked about the boils and I assume I started to say I had none. I think I was told to tell her whenever I got a new one. I went back and forth on whether to tell her throughout middle school.

I genuinely believed this was normal, but everyone was too embarrassed to talk about it. I feel sick about the idea of going home from college for Thanksgiving break. My last conversation with my mom was about how she was sad that I didn't trust her and she didn't know why. She definitely got no sexual gratification from this, but there was a huge power gap and was probably an ego thing for her.

I feel so gross. I think I'm going to bring this up in therapy, but this feels particularly difficult to talk about. I would like advice on that if possible.

small vent and will delete soon. just, gah.

is it just me who DESPISES it when people say “kinks are genetic”? i dont care to look more into it. i dont care if its scientific. i dont care about the research involved and i certainly dont give a flying fuck which genetics from which parent is more likely to give xyz. im not denying it, i just wish i didnt know that.

knowing a good chunk of my moms kinks, knowing i, myself like them.. its devastating. her having sex in front of me was most likely a kink thing too. she has shown me her kink gear, in which some i do like too. it just reminds me similar to how i look at my genitals and only see hers. i feel disgusted with my own genitals as a result, the kink thing really only adds onto it.

its devastating. i feel like i dont have a vessel of myself, just a mini-mom. knowing my mothers private needs and down to the core of her genitals knowing there was not one damn thing i could do to prevent knowing that really doesnt help.

id just like some other MDSA survivors to chip in, honestly. nobody gets it unless they do, this community makes me feel more seen. i hope youre all doing decent regardless.

I had sex with my boyfriend two days ago. I orgasmed when the thought of my mother popped in my head. It was such an intense orgasm. I lay there with my boyfriend, staring into space, thoroughly disgusted and wanting to jump off a very high building somewhere, wanting to rip my skin off.

I was abused by my mother. It comes and goes in waves. I have no idea how to be better.

Have any of you successfully gained more memories of your abuse and can you share how you did so? Without EMDR (I want to eventually but not now). I’m sure like many of you I have huge dark spots in my childhood memory and have blocked out a ton. I’ve remembered a lot of the SA but have such a strong feeling there’s more completely repressed memories

Little memories are starting to trickle in and the other night before bed I remembered dreams that helped me visualize my childhood house and how it felt to be in there. This snowballed into a lot of new threads. I remembered how it felt to be in my mom’s closet and think I found something weird in there. Remembered the feeling of sharing a bed with her, and going under the covers sometimes.

I feel like my mind is being cracked open, I’ve never been able to look back into my childhood there’s always been a huge gate there I couldn’t get through at all. Any random things that have helped you remember more? Smells, visuals, meditation, etc.? I’m also worried of creating false memories and am not sure whether some dreams are actually dreams or memories. Would appreciate hearing about any of your experiences

(This is probably going to be written really weirdly-I'm very tired rn so I apologize in advance)

I was sexually abused by my mother. It was long term, it stared long before my first memories were formed. It only stopped two~ years ago(by then it was covert-sexual abuse and no longer overt-sexual abuse). It was so normalised to me because it was all I knew, I had no boundaries and no control over what happened to me.

It never went to penetration or rape but it did involve sexual acts, though only on occasion. There was a lot of groping, light and on occasion heavy petting, sexual comments, exposing of herself to me, touching herself around or next to me and doing sexual acts in front of me. She seemed to get off on the fact that I was "innocent" or that I didn't understand what was going on.

I'm 19, I don't leave the house practically ever. I'm doing online school to finish high school because I had to drop out due to my PTSD(unrelated). I go months at a time without leaving the house and I'm constantly around her(she doesn't work). I don't have a license or a bank account. I literally can't leave. I have no idea what to do, or who to tell. I'm so anxious almost all of the time because I don't know when she'll just snap and start doing the same the same bs again. I'm really suicidal and I've been self-harming. I have no idea what to do and I'm so so so very exhausted.

I feel extremely conflicted sharing that especially after decades of blocking it all out but these past few years it keeps on resurfacing. I lived with a single mother and two siblings being the middle child. Around 10 years old I started growing breasts and my mom would always comment on them and seemed proud that I was developing chest. As a single mom, she would ask if one of us would sleep in the same bed as her sometimes. I have no idea what happens when my siblings would have they turn but in my case she would big spoon me extremely close and would start caressing me under my shirt, fondle my growing breasts and play with my nipples commenting on them. Obviously my body would react at these new sensations and I would be writhing but she would keep me in the same spot flushing herself closer and keep on fondling my breasts until silent orgasm. Then she would say she likes keeping her hands warm and have one in between my legs. Never touching my genitals though but keeping her hand further down between my thighs as I slept on my side.

In that same period, she used to work as a saleswoman in a store so she would complain that she had back and leg pains because of standing up all day. We had the duty to massage her with oil and all. She would take off her top and lower her pants mid butt so I could massage her all over. I would take the position of massage therapist straddling her behind and rubbing my front on her butt. I want to hate my child self for being curious and wanting to feel these sensations but my mom knew what she was doing to me.

That lasted for years at least until I was 13 years old. I remember feeling so disgusted one night after I slept in her room. I spent most of my teen years hiding in the locked bathroom to change and never changing in my bedroom in case she would barge in since she never knocked. From then on I never slept in her bedroom again, always coming up with excuses until she stopped asking. We never talked about it as if it was a well kept secret. The massages I kept them to a minimum asking her to stop lowering her pants and would just stand next to her, only doing her back and calves.

In another instance when I was 13 on a ski trip with her boyfriend and my sister. She was taking a bath and asked me to come in to film her!!! I had to go retrieve the camera we brought and get back in the bathroom, film her fondle her breasts while looking at the camera. I don’t think it lasted long but now as a 34 years old I don’t understand how can an adult, a mother can ask to her 13 year old daughter to film her doing sexual things or at least suggestive things to probably show that tape to r boyfriend. This is so crazy to me! I filmed and never talked about it with her or anyone else.

One part of me is minimizing everything because it was just a bit of fondling that she made appear as innocent or simply part of a cuddling moment. Or massages to relieve her from pain. So maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing. But another part of me is super mad at her for subjecting me to that for at least three years (that I can remember) and also so mad at my child self for “liking it” and responding to her touch, knowing deep inside that it was most probably wrong but it felt “good” in the moment until it was over and it made me feel shame and disgust with myself (not with her but myself). In my late teens, early adulthood I really thought I was bisexual, attracted to women too until I realized it was just a trauma response for me. Same for certainly being the cause of weird kinks.

Sorry for the lengthy message, it’s the first time I share with anyone, over two decades later. Is this mdsa and do we have a responsibility as a child into it?

Has anyone here ever been to a gynecologist? If so do you have any advice? I'm trying to start on birth control but the idea of seeing a gynecologist terrifies me due to my experiences with my mom. I really want to get an IUD before I go to college but I keep working myself into a spiral thinking about if it'll be triggering or if I'll end up getting sa'd again, and just general anxiety about it all

Any advice or recommendations on how to deal with this would be great, thank you in advance

Throwaway account. I'm the dad. Daughter was suicidal, self-harming, cutting. Got treatment, and finally opened up and confronted her mother about sexual abuse. I was absolutely shocked. She's been in my custody since then, I filed a restraining order, and we are waiting on CPS to complete their investigation.

She's been a champ and I am very proud of her for opening up.

I am worried that her MDSA is going to be dismissed, that my daughter will be forced back into her mother's care, and she will start self-harming again. I want to talk to my daughter about it but I am not eager for her to relive the trauma, knowing full well she will need to also give details to CPS or a judge soon enough. I am horrified, this is not something I ever expected to encounter, and I don't know what to do besides believe my daughter and file the restraining order. It makes me sick to my stomach to read up on this stuff online, it makes me sick just typing this to ask for help. Please someone help me.

(really long post, sorry)

Hi. I'm here to find out if I was a victim. So, I (AFAB but use he/him please), have been having rather weird interactions with my mom ever since I was a kid. I don't have many memories from my childhood but I remember my parents arguing a lot and my mom always treated me as her special treasure. She never let me do anything by my own and everything is better her way (in her mind). And surely, she was clearly overprotective, to the point I didn't learn to do basic chores or even go out by my own. But at the same time, she would get angry by anything I did and just burst out on me. Growing up, when I would demonstrate my apparent incompetence — since I didn't learn anything because she wouldn't let me learn anything —, she would get this scary look on her face and start saying how useless and worthless I was. However, when I was 12, that escalated in an awful way. I don't want to go into too much detail, but basically, one day I felt uncomfortable in my privates and asked her to check. She started immediately screaming and saying I was dirty and useless. So she laid me down in my sister's bed and kept harshly cleaning me with a cotton swab. The day after, she said we should take a shower together, so she could show me the appropriate way to wash myself. The thing is that, during that shower, she kept making weird comments, like "look, aren't my breasts so big?" or "wow, you look all grown up already, the boys must like you" Still, after that, she made it a daily thing. She would lay me down on the bed and start cleaning me, sometimes harshly, other times she would be saying things like "I'm doing this for you only darling, just wait, we're almost done" But the pain was excruciating, the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I would scream, cry and beg for her to stop it, but she never did. That went on for about more than a year and a few months and she even told other family members — even my father — who would laugh about it. No one intervened. When I told that to my therapist, she asked, "if she made it a daily thing, why didn't you went first and cleaned yourself properly?!" And the truth is that, I did. I'm sure of that. I even watched tutorials to be sure I was making it in the right way, I really wanted to make it stop. But she never stopped. She would always keep saying it was dirty and that I was dirty, that it was my fault, that she was doing that for me only. Once, she even got her phone and threatened to take pictures of my privates to keep showing me to remember that day and be ashamed forever. And even after that, after one year already, she took me to a doctor. She said she thought I was bruised. When we got there, the doctor didn't know about the whole situation. She saw me and said like "well, it's not exactly a bruise. It's just a little hurt I guess. Nothing to worry about or even treat, it will go away in a day. I think your pain is psychological because there's no explanation for such pain you described" And after hearing that, my mom — the same who seemed worried before — looked at me right in the eyes, and said, and I quote, "I told you it was all in your head, silly, there's nothing wrong with you". We went home and never talked about it again. The thing is that, the place that seemed a bit hurt was exactly, the vaginal opening. I felt so endlessly hopeless when I realized that.

Now, I keep remembering more weird things who kept happening while I was growing up. Ever since I was a kid, she would kiss me (on the mouth). She always did that. And even now, she still does it. Sometimes I'm just standing or doing something and she comes up to me and is like "where is my kiss?" And if I refuse to, she starts a full on rant about how she's my mother, about how she does everything for me, she only leaves if I kiss her. She slaps my butt, appears suddenly and hugs me and make comments about my body, such as "wow, if I was a boy I'd only want to walk behind you". While showering one time with her when I was a kid, she said "look, this is where you used to eat from" and pointing to her breasts. Always happened that kind of thing when showering with her. And even once, I accidentally put an adult movie for us to watch (sausage party) and when she noticed what the movie was about, instead of turning off the tv, she kept laughing at my discomfort and saying like "isn't that scene funny? You're losing the best part". After finishing the movie, she said she had a surprise for me. It was a hotdog. I said I didn't want to eat that, and she sat me down and stared at me until I ate it.

If someone can give me a detailed insight, or even just, anything. It would be very much appreciated because I'm confused if this is MDSA or even SA in any way.

My mom did something awful when I was on my period when I was a teenager. But even before and after that, she always creeped me out so much. She made me feel extremely disgusted and ashamed for even having periods let alone having heavier ones than most. She always insisted on watching me put on my pads and sometimes wore gloves and a mask when we were alone when interacting with me so she wouldn't touch me because she considered be unclean or disgusting when I was on my period. She always made me tell her when my period would start, how heavy it was, if I was going to the bathroom to change, ask me when it stopped and stuff. She always made me wrap everything like crazy and would watch me throw it in the garbage outside. She would count the number of pads I use, angrily ask me how many I'm wearing and stuff like that. If she thought I was lying she would feel around my butt and keep asking/yelling how many I was wearing.

There were times while I was doing chores (and I always had to wear gloves if I was on my period) she would come and grab my pants and underwear and literally pull it down to check if I wore it properly. She wouldn't listen if I screamed or told her how wrong it was and she would say shut up I'm the mom, the adult and that I didn't know anything. She would make me show her my pads after use and comment on how much blood there was and stuff. Oh gosh, I feel disgusted just typing this. She would tell me how abnormal I was constantly for having long or heavy periods and now whenever I have my period I can barely leave the house because she constantly made me feel everyone knows and would be disgusted. She would make faces and fan her face and keep telling me I smell (even after I showered and knew I didn't).

I don't know. She always tells me how disgusting my body is. And tells me she's allowed to do whatever she wanted to me and she did. She always acts like she owns me and like I am just some mindless thing to her.

I hate how she made me feel abnormal for all normal things.

So I’m coming to the realization what I did experience is definitely SA. A few comments on my last post confirmed what I was worried of, I was able to get in with my therapist yesterday and told her everything. She also confirmed this was definitely SA. I was mainly dissociated for the entire session but then was able to tell more to my husband afterwards, we cried, and I was able to feel.

Everything makes more sense now. I remember being really scared of the bathroom up as a kid. When I went in there I would check behind the shower curtain and in the hamper to make sure there wasn’t a monster in there and was always terrified. I wouldn’t look in my closet or under my bed. It was like specifically the bathroom. Up until a few years ago I was always scared to open my eyes when showered always imagining someone would be there. I had told my husband to never ever prank me like this.

Whenever I would visit my moms house after I moved out I’d subconsciously never use “that” bathroom, id go to the other one but my mom wouldn’t let me anymore because it was her boyfriends bathroom. So I had to start using the other bathroom again and was anyways uncomfortable but never noticed.

It’s been a fucking hard two days. I have such a deep awful pain I’m feeling. I can’t breathe correctly. I’m freezing while I’m in the middle of doing things. This doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t feel like my life. My therapist told me to focus on my basic needs right now which is what I’m doing and I’m very lucky to have my amazing husband to help me with this. A really bad hip/back pain I haven’t felt in a few years came back yesterday. It’s like an extremely sharp pain that’s very specific. This can’t be a coincidence.

My therapist also told me that all these things coming up now makes sense because I’m in a safer space being no contact with her and through therapy im healing, I’ve become safer in my routines and relationships. My brain is ready to take all this on. And that my dissociations aren’t bad, young me created a really solid protection for me. But I can now handle it on my own. I’m so sad, but proud of young me. And this pain I’ve always felt, this awful darkness, that I always thought something is so wrong with me, it’s not me. It’s what was done to me. And it wasn’t my fault.

I (52 AFAB) was sexually abused by my mom for as long as I can remember. I have clear memories of her touching me inappropriately from when I was 3. Only recently (earlier this year) was I able to understand that the touching was inappropriate. It always under the guise of being something else. But believed the guise for almost 50 years. I have questioned my memories, and my sanity, many times. They won’t go away.

Recently, I was visiting my mother. She walked into the bathroom (she always does if I don’t lock it) while I was fixing my hair and immediately began criticizing me. She tried to insist I use a different hair product. After a bit of argument I got fed up and she said “ok, fine, give me some.” She insisted on putting it in my hair herself. She raked her fingers through my hair, pulling out a lot, and she was spinning me around by my shoulders. While doing this, she “accidentally” grabbed one of my breasts. Then she said, “nice boobies.” Needless to say, it was awful.

In my regular life, I am unable to set boundaries. People fuck with me all the time as a result. I get sexually harassed and I just—don’t say anything. I just freeze, I guess. Again, I’m 52. I’ve been in therapy (for years now) and I just want to get better. This impacts my work (I’m a teacher,) and relationships. Any advice? Or similar experience?

Edited for spacing.