Hey y'all.

We've decided to move the whole kit and caboodle over to /r/socialjustice101! So dust off those galoshes and carpet bags and head on over there for discussions from now on! This sub is going to be set to restricted which means all further posting is going to be gone.

See ya there.

I'm posting this in here because I know I did not handle this situation the way I probably should have.

Last night I was drinking at a friend's place. He and I were out on the deck for a cigarette and the tenants who live in the apartment upstairs came down for one, too.

One of these guys is, in my opinion, an absolute pig when it comes to talking about women. I think he's a scumbag. He sat with us talking about "that c**** b**** who came over last week wanting to fuck" and his speech was riddled with misogynist language that plainly revealed that he looks at women as being completely below himself. He brought up, with a huge deal of pride, how he "hatefucked" his girlfriend who cheated on him to reassert his dominance over her. A few weeks ago he catcalled at two young girls who were walking past, they looked back and they seemed scared. Dude's a total fucking pig. I sat there completely disgusted at nearly everything he was saying, but I didn't say anything about it to his face.

Now here it might get a little more interesting. I know that men (I'm a man) need to take it upon themselves to hold each other to a better standard when it comes to harassment/sexist attitudes and toxic masculinity in general. But, I said nothing to the guy, quite frankly because I'm kind of scared of him. He seems like a potentially violent person, he's physically about my size, around 6' and at least 200 pounds and he just has an aura of "alpha" about him. I didn't want to confront him out of the fear that I'd be subjected to the standard barrage of slurs men throw at each other for daring to suggest we treat each other more fairly, that I'd have the minority opinion against the masculine hegemony and I'd get hammered back down quickly.

He's also black. I'm white (surprise) and this part here is mostly why I'm posting in this subreddit. He fits the common stereotype of the "Scary Huge Black Dude" - a prejudice I have. It's a tough one to shake. Myths of violent, black hypermasculinity (I don't want to start sounding like a shitlord talking about "black culture") are still pretty pervasive and initially upon seeing a "scary huge black dude" my first reaction is feeling intimidated. I'd still be intimidated if he were an imposing white man who had an air of violence about him and he spat misogynist slurs as often as he exhaled, but I can't sit here pretending this issue is totally de-raced and his blackness had nothing to do with my silent condoning of his sexist attitudes.

I really, really don't like this guy and I hate being the one to sit there saying nothing, implicitly taking his side in doing so, but I've never considered calling out a black man on his misogyny before (hello, white privilege) and my own prejudices in this manner.

Older (mid-fifties), Sowell-quoting liberterian, believes that affirmative action and other SJ policies hurt rather than help minorities. Says things like [TW] "silence is non-spoken consent" and [TW] "if she didn't want to have sex she shouldn't have passed out on my couch" as "jokes". Very far right-leaning, but only along economic axes, however claims that morality cannot exist without christianity, and believes there is no war on women, and that the wage gap in both race and gender is a lie.

Unfortunately, he is very well read on his shitspewing. I need specific examples to quote (for example I only learned today that the quote he misattributes to LBJ after the signing of the civil rights act is actually "We've lost the south for a generation" not "We'll have those [slur]s voting Democrat for a hundred years" - oh by the way if you bring up the history of racial insensitivity of the republican party a la bootstraps bootstraps bootstraps, he brings up southern democrats' pro-slavery stance and trots out that supposed LBJ quote above), and solid-ground arguments to help him realize that he's living in a bigoted filter bubble and perhaps his opinions would resonate more if he didn't sound so much like a bigoted jerkass.

He is an intelligent guy, and a loyal friend. He is a tabletop gamer and runs an entertaining game. And to some extent, he has respected that I don't appreciate bigoted shit being said around me, but it's that situation where people are basically walking on eggshells for you and you alone when I game with him and the other shitlords he associates with. I don't really want to "redeem" him or anything like that, I just want to look at some resources that will help me deal with him specifically, and his "type" if you will, in general in the future. I find it hard to argue with someone who has a strong command of supporting historical examples immediately in memory from constantly reading shitlord propoganda/reading material - and unfortunately, aside from doing the same amount of effort with SJ materials, I don't know how to compensate.

Halp.

I'm really sorry this might be formatted poorly and a bit all over the place.

As a point of reference I am male, white, cis, literally have every form of privilege other than being upper middle class.

Here is the thread and comment where I was benned: http://www.reddit.com/r/ShitRedditSays/comments/17widy/so_tiny_tina_is_not_allowed_to_use_africa/

Looking back to how I clearly lacked empathy to this particular post is incredibly shameful. I also treated the mod (ArchangelleSyzygy) who benned me pretty shittily. I am incredibly grateful however, because they provided information and resources. I learned what derailing was, which I literally had never heard of or recognized or understood. I also found succinct and well-written explanation of intersectionality and other important insights.

This quote I found in an SRSD thread by user kbrooks places a lot of insight into people like me, I think:

"It's important to understand racism as a cultural system, rather than an ideology that certain individuals choose to espouse, because it's the only accurate way to find the origins of racism and ultimately to fight it, in ourselves and in others."

Sensitivity to racism, racist undertones and other forms of discrimination is absolutely not a switch you can just "decide" to turn on, its clearly something that must be worked at every day.

I am disappointed in my lack of empathy. Recently I have thought a lot about empathy and more specifically selective-empathy.

For example (sorry, random rant) the boston bombings, a tragic loss of 3 lives, that was met with intense support, yet the innumerable deaths directly caused by US military is never once spoken of or if it is, does not share the same empathy, despite being a human life. Things like this. Empathy is a universal, unconditional goal to attain--probably a lifetime goal. It is difficult in some circumstances, such as empathy for violent criminals, but the ability to activate it becomes more clear as one researches more into what environmental conditions can subconsciously shape a person from childhood. With relation to racism sensitivity and specifically the thread I was banned for, empathy is much more simple and obvious. Just because I didn't immediately understand or see the connection does not mean it did not offend or hurt anyone else.

And finally, I clearly broke the jerk (I was still relatively new to SRS at the time to be fair) and derailed BADLY. It was as if I just found out about institutional racism and decided it was more important than a person's feelings. It grosses me out just thinking about how I did that.

TL;DR; I derailed mayo all over the place

Hello, I am that ex-antifeminist who submitted this post some time ago.

By the time I started to lurk in the feminist blogosphere and SRS to learn about what feminism is REALLY about, I started to grow more and more hatred towards the MRAs. Literal hatred.

Whenever I try to read the crap on AvfM, r/mensrights and such, I get red in the face for anger and close my browser immediately. I think of the patriarchal influence on society (something that I was awfully blind to) and I get even angrier.

I feel like the hate is starting to "corrode" my mind. Even IRL, my friends and co-workers have told me that I started to look grumpy and sort of absent-minded.

I can’t even bring myself to read the Italian MRA-ish websites I used to go to (and where I absorbed the anti-feminist propaganda that made be believe that Straw Feminism was the true feminism). And just to think I used to be one of them (as in, a sympathizer)… makes me want to punch my older self in the face.

I think I’m a sort of “rejection phase” right now.

I see the anti-feminist sentiment growing more and more, like a slowly, insidiously spreading cancer. People like the MRAs are slowing down the progress of mankind. And yes, I know that not all the misogynistic dudebros and trolls on the Internet are MRAs, but MRAs are the ones who actively encourage misogyny on the Internet.

I can find some relief in the fact there's people like David from Manboobz, SRS, the AMR folks on Reddit and... well, feminists in general, who keep exposing the MRAs' misogyny and hate cult.

Sorry if I seemed too overdramatic and/or overemotional, and, again, sorry for possible mistakes and typos in my post.

Any advice on how to overcome my hate?

Four months ago I made myself look foolish and got into arguments. I just wish to sincerely apologize for my behavior those months ago.

To ArchangelleSyzygy, ArchangelleCastiel, ArchangelleSamaelle, and importantly ArchangelleNoodelle, I am sorry.

We've been together for a few months, and she made some comments on a few occasions that implied racism.. she never called anyone a racial slur, but she does bring up stereotypes about blacks in conversations... and I remember once how she was blaming the first nations for their predicament. I really don't know how to approach the topic, I think it's stuff she might have picked up from her upbringing. Tips?

Right off the bat I want to say that even before I knew anything about feminism and social justice I despised the mainstream porn industry and what it does to women. And on an intellectual level (as far as my beliefs are concerned) I find myself in the middle of the road between second wave and third wave feminism. Gail Dines anyone?

That said; I did and do look at pictures and videos of nude women doing sexual acts for the purpose of sexual stimulation.

And even though most of what I look at comes from the so called "feminist porn industry" and performers like Nina Hartley and Sasha Grey who call themselves sex positive feminists to be perfectly honest I don't pay for all of it, meaning that by the time I'm getting it, it has gone through the porn industry mill and the sites getting the hits are ones that contribute to the problem. This is seemingly a simple matter of changing my actions to reflect my beliefs yes?

On the other hand; Even if this material is endorsed by people who call themselves feminists my personal behavior still involves objectification does it not?

Furthermore; these sex-positive feminists seem to stress the "agency" and "choice" of the individual woman, but what about collective agency and choice?

Finally; If porn can only be shitty, (hypothetically if you disagree) if it is fundamentally wrong for me to receive sexual pleasure from pictures and videos of willing participants what room is there for sexuality in feminism at all?

Hi. I'm a mid-twenties woman who would describe herself as a "feminist" in general and on many issues related to politics, religion, health, etc. I haven't taken any gender studies courses, although I am well read in some areas, and I keep coming across the term "radical feminist"/"radical feminism" on the internet and in conversation. I'm not sure exactly what the term refers to or how one would define a radical feminist, and I don't trust the majority of the internet to explain the term in a neutral or not shitty way. Therefore I ask you all, what is radical feminism, and why do so many people REALLY hate it? Why do they accuse SRS of being radical feminists?

Edit: I have learned that I seem to have two questions :)

Question 1 = What do the angry people who often hate feminists in general think "radical feminism" means when they accuse SRS of being radical feminists?

Question 2 = What do feminists consider to be "radical feminism", and why would someone call themselves a "radical feminist"?

Long story short, I'm trying to avoid the ablist slurs that I had no idea were a problem until recently. Reviewing the existing lists, I have a bit of a training problem: either (a) I can't swear like a sailor like some call for, or (b) they are too silly/nonsensical for me to remember.

So, here is a short list of words I often use, and I think are okay or borderline. I'd like feedback from the fempire as to which cross the line, and which don't. I expect I can fix my language by simply changing out slurs with whatever words are approved from the list.

Thanks in advance.

Nouns for People (instead of e.g. "ret**d")

• Asshat

• Asshole

• Bonehead

• Boor

• Clown

• Doofus

• Fool

• Ignoramus

• Ingrate

• Miscreant

• Rascal

• Rat

Adjectives for People (instead of e.g. "crazy")

• Delusional (I imagine it invoking the jargon meaning from Psych, but feel free to correct me.)

• Foolish

• Ignorant

• Incompetent

• Inept

• Mindless

• Senseless

• Thoughtless

• Warped

Adjectives for Ideas (instead of e.g. "idiotic")

• Delusional (see above)

• Foolish

• Half-baked

• Idiotic (different for ideas than people?)

• Obtuse

• Pointless

• Retrograde

• Senseless

• Warped (different for ideas than people?)

• Wacky (different for ideas than people?)

• Whack-a-doodle (different from Wacky?)

• Worthless

• Wrong

This happened some years ago, I was at a guy's house (I am male and gay) and long story short I pressured/badgered him into making out with me and I grinded on his ass a bit. Clothes were never taken off, and I never touched his genitals. I tried but he said no and I didn't try again. I should have noticed he was uncomfortable but I was too focused on my own pleasure. I came to his house thinking I was going to have sex and was disappointed and felt like I should at least get something out of it. I know how horrible this is, I feel awful just typing it out.

I hate that I was so pushy, so careless with another's body and felt so entitled.

I feel like a rapist and like I'll never ever have a healthy relationship with someone. I think about getting chemically castrated often.

I just have no idea how it is possible in any way to be a "normal" person now and live a "normal" life. I am not sure what I'm asking for. I know what I did is unforgivable and I can't be reformed or rehabilitated.

So... where do I start?

Some years ago, I "learned" about feminism from some Italian anti-feminist websites (one of them being a forum. I won't post the links unless asked).

While the people who frequent said forum do not identify themselves as "MRAs" (they consider themselves egalitarian anti-feminists), they have basically the same ideas. Or better, a mixture of MRA, MGTOW and various feminist-zionist conspiracy ideas.

I felt like I was discovering the "truth" about those "evil feminists who want to put men down". Basically, I became your average "feminists only care about women, what about teh menz? We should all be egalitarians!" kind of person.

I started using words and phrases like "feminazi", "misandry", and all the rest. I never hated women though, nor advocated for violence against feminists.

I was still somehow skeptical about more famous websites like AVFM and the Spearhead though. I believed that they were taking their antifeminism too far.

This all changed when I discovered sites like Manboobz and the various SRS subreddits. I have read about privilege and the rape culture.

I realized how much of a shithead I was. I had my own "Oh God, what was I thinking?" moment. I was blind to my privilege and to the misogyny that permeates the Internet. I became really, really ashamed of myself.

Now i just want to start over. I want to learn as much as possible about feminism and grow as a person. I need your help, but I also want to help.

TL;DR: I thought feminism was bad due to MRA-ish influence and my own credulity. I eventually understood that I was wrong.

Sorry if my English isn't perfect, but it isn't my native language. I'm from Italy.

Throwaway because christ this is pathetic.

I'm an 21 year old guy (almost 22), who discovered SRS about a year ago and shortly after considered myself a feminist. Honestly, it was the humor that drew me in at first, but the ideology really made sense and I eventually started to feel strongly about the beliefs I had newly espoused.

Anyway, the reason I'm posting is because I'm really distressed about a relatively recent pattern I've started to sense develop within myself. I've always been a really introverted guy who never felt like he needed too many friends. All of sudden, however, I felt suddenly aware of the lack of intimacy in my life and figured I should probably get to know some girls better and see if I connect with anyone.

And I completely failed. I've never seen a girl show any interest in me at all before (which is starting to bother me more and more), but I chalked that up to me never really trying to socialize. Every girl I try to talk to is clearly disinterested in even getting to know me better, even when it comes to the most casual conversation. I'm fairly good looking, hygienic, and I dress well, so the problem isn't there.

Anyways, the pattern I referred to earlier is pulses of resentment towards women in general. I read forums and see women talk about how they don't want a short guy, someone who's appearance is at all feminine, or someone who is quiet. I know it's completely ridiculous-of course there have to be women who aren't put off by these traits! But it feels like a theory that grows less probable each day, even though I know its wrong and despicable to feel the way I do. I feel bitter towards women for not liking somebody who supports their rights and being able to overlook a bit of introversion and awkwardness. I know I'm not entitled to a relationship, but I just don't understand how everyone is able to love and be loved except me. This failure is making me a more selfish and hateful person and I don't know how to stop it. All of my friends have been in relationships and tease me for being a virgin. My self-esteem is taking a hit which is making me even less sociable and exacerbates the problem. Can anyone here tell me what to do?

Edit: Wow, I can't even describe how much better I feel after reading your replies. This has to be the best community on the internet.

So a few nights ago, I called up one of my cousins back in China for a little catching up. He told me about an ex he recently broke it off with. Basically, after 2 months of dating, she started becoming very controlling (telling him that he wasn't allowed to talk to other women, even co-workers), and used some intimidation techniques as well, such as threatening to tell his family slanderous things about him. When he announced to her that the relationship was over, she came back and locked the front wheel of his bike to the frame so that he couldn't ride it to work, and refused to remove it until he threatened to call the police.

So after that phone conversation, I was pretty pissed off and I started ranting to a few people about it the following day. At one point, I messaged one of my online friends who runs a Tumblr feminism blog who almost immediately told me that I was being incredibly ableist and misogynist. (I didn't use any words like "crazy", and the words I used for the ex were ungendered nouns such as " asshole" and "abusive piece of shit" so I don't think it was my terminology)

I asked her to clarify and she basically told me to not talk to her until I figure it out and apologize.

So I've been thinking about it for a few days, and I'm still pretty clueless. The only thing I can think of is that it's somehow connected to the "crazy girlfriend" trope, although I feel that the way I told the story (very similar to my first paragraph) mitigated that since I didn't use any slurs, didn't say that the ex had mental illness, and avoided gendered implications.

Is there something I'm not seeing here? Am I being a shitlord or is my friend being irrational?

First of all, I apologize if this is the wrong sub to post this in. To be perfectly honest I'm extremely inexperienced in using not only SRS but Reddit. But I thought this could be the right place to ask about this. So, I'm having a conversation, not here on Reddit, about feminism and the MRAs. The guy I'm having the debate with says MRAs are somewhat justified and to make that point claims things like: "Men, even poor men, especially in the US -I live in Mexico, he lives in Spain, somehow our debate became about the way things are in the US- still have to pay a lot of money after a divorce even if the woman is wealthier". That sounds like a myth to me, but trying to find information online is a bit difficult since most of the search queries I try end up leading me to MRA oriented web sites. I guess I could try looking up actual legislation, but I'm afraid I would end up not really understanding a thing. So, that's it, I'm asking if some charitable soul could point me in the direction of solid arguments against the affirmation that divorce law in the US "always" punishes men. His other arguments are much more flimsy, like MRAs feel justified because there are anti-porn feminists and MRAs are justified because some feminists try to "criminalize" -his word- compliments about female appearance or asking for a cup of coffee -yes, he's one of those still sore about the whole elevator thing-, so the one argument I'm really having trouble countering is the one about divorce law.

My behavior would qualify as abuse, both emotional and physical. Saying that makes me cringe, but it is true. I was controlling and insulting. Although I did not hit her (no punching, no slapping), I did use physical intimidation to get my way...(no, that is not referring to sex...we never had sex). There was definitely squeezing and some shoving. I did not realize at the time how shitty my behavior was, but I am very aware of it now.

My question is, should I apologize to her? We haven't spoken in years, and I have no interest in striking up a lasting correspondence with her. But I feel horrible for what I did, and think it probably caused lasting emotional damage, especially since we were young (teenagers) at the time. Would apologizing just be a selfish exercise in making me feel better for what I did, or would it be something beneficial to her as well? Should I stay the fuck out of her life like I've been doing for the last 8-9 years?

EDIT: Since it appears that contacting her would risk her well-being, I've decided to stay the fuck out of her life. Thank you for your help, SRSR.

EDIT 2: The next best thing I can do, I guess, is to make sure it never happens again. I know I have the self-control not to be physically abusive (and I understand your skepticism), but I'm not 100% sure if I know all the signs of emotional abuse. What should I avoid? What does a healthy relationship look like?

If I want to talk about being sexually frustrated, how do I do that without coming off as entitled to sex?

What's the difference between wanting to have sex and feeling entitled to it?

I noticed that another SRSer, in another thread that shall go unnamed, admitted to feeling guilty about their frustrations because they felt it made them entitled to sex. I feel the same way, and it's really not helping with all the other problems/mental illnesses I have right now.

I'm having a really hard time convincing myself that sex isn't important to me. If I can't do that, then I feel like I have to label it as an emotional need, but wouldn't that also mean that some part of me thinks I'm entitled to sex? If being frustrated is making me this unhappy, how can I call it anything else?

I'm not trying to troll at all. This is a serious question. What's your answer?

edit: should probably add that the lack of sex isn't really the cause of most of my distress, it just makes it even worse

Edit 2: Thanks for the responses. I'm going to quit Reddit. I like it in SRS, but there's just too much negativity on Prime (from shitlords), and too much arguing in discussion. I just don't need any extra shit in my life right now. Thanks for everything SRS.

I guess to expand, I have been browsing/commenting on SRS and SRSD for a while, but as I've learned, I don't know everything. On this one I need serious help.

I understand that the dongle and forking jokes were lewd puns, and that they are a micro aggression for women in the tech community. I also was told that saying "I'd fork that code" also helps to objectify women, because it's an innuendo in which women are also placed into ("I'd fork her"), and ergo it parallels women=object.

If someone would be willing to explain, aside from the women=object parallel, how is this innuendo sexist? Inappropriate, absolutely. Did they deserve to be kicked out of the conference? Yes. But was it sexist? Is ALL innuendo sexist? How does it serve to oppress people? Is sexual humour ever okay?

I'm trying to become better at being a contributing member of the SRS community, but I've yet so much to learn and my privilege blinders get in the way sometimes. I'm hoping someone can help me with this one, and I truly don't mean any offense, nor am I trying to debate the legitimacy of the case itself, I just can't find any readings pertaining to this.

Help, and thank you!

Hai, proud SRSter here but that's always been confusing to me. I know that a trans man is a man regardless and w/ women but overall still ignorant or just uneducated to just be nicer.

What's the significance of the asterisk after trans? And apparently I shouldn't use it as an adjective? Dos, donts, yesses, noes, etc

I realise the title is kinda hard to understand, so I'll give an example:

I play an online drawing game. I often feel peeved when drawing that most people's reaction when told to draw a "person" will be drawing a white cis ablebodied man. But then I realized I can't actually know whether the person they're drawing is a man or woman, so I guess there's... no sexism in this? I really don't know what I should feel about it. It would be really ignorant to assume "there are no non-cis (terminology, I don't know you) people in fiction cause they're not convienient in my worldview huehue", so how would you analyse the situation? :(

Throwaway because I'm a coward, btw.

Dear SRSRecovery

This is a delicate topic, but it's been weighing on me for a few years. I've been reluctant to discuss it with any of my friends or family, and I wanted to get a broader perspective and some advice, so posting this to Reddit seemed like a good idea. But, after considering reddit's stance on rape and consent, I thought it would just be me looking for someone to tell me what I wanted to hear, so I thought this would be the right place to ask.

When I was in college and less forward thinking than I am now, I got very drunk at a party and ended up taking a friend of a friend back to my dorm room. Consent was clearly given, but in the middle she asked me to stop. I asked her why and she said it was because her roommate was waiting for her. I'm ashamed to say this but I thought that was a bad reason to stop and said as much, and asked her to just let me finish.

She insisted but I didn't take no for an answer, and it didn't occur to me that she actually wanted to stop having sex because I took what she said at face value, that she just didn't want to keep her roommate waiting. She eventually said I could finish, but I know now that 5 no's and a yes does not mean yes.

I only saw her once or twice after that, and she didn't act like she was angry or upset about what happened and she was even friendly, but I know that that doesn't mean she didn't feel violated or make what I did any better.

I know on that sex without consent is rape, and that there's no such thing as "rape-rape." I know it was misogynistic and completely objectifying and horrible, but even though I feel ashamed and deeply guilty about what happened, I can't think of myself as having raped her.

What do I do? How do I reconcile what I believe about rape and consent with what I did? How do I reconcile this with the belief that I'm a good person?

UPDATE: Hey everyone, thanks for all the replies. I apologized to her the other day, and she told me that it was a long time ago and she hasn't thought about it since. She says it was just a drunken hook-up, everything was consensual, and that she hadn't thought anything badly of me or felt badly because of it. I still realize that what I did was wrong and that I got off lucky, and this definitely isn't something I'll ever let happen again, but that was definitely a huge relief to hear.

Hello. I have some burning racial prejudice inside of me and I would like some help on how to overcome it. I'm not sure if I should call it racism or racial prejudice based on the power+prejudice model since I am Hispanic and the people I am prejudiced again are Black.

I'm guessing this goes back to my childhood where our neighborhood was very racially divided between the two. We were all poor so we were all very close to those of our own ethnicity and hostile to those who weren't. I've been verbally harassed many times and physically assaulted 3 times. Police didn't do anything because I lived in the "bad neighborhood." I've usually kept to myself and didn't partake in any of the violence. I moved away at 22 after getting a trades degree and job in construction. I have several black coworkers and friends now who I see and treat with the utmost respect but I can't rid myself of the feeling that they are the "good ones" out of a pack of bad. I know this isn't true, I know that it's shitty, but I don't know how to get rid of it.

Every time I come on Reddit and the Fempire and I see a post complaining against racism against black people, I get filled with rage because all I can think about is that boy who shot me in the gut with a nailgun (I can post a picture of the scar for verification if mods are doubting my story), the group of boys and girls who laughed as they stole my groceries, and the general community who didn't hold back yelling slurs at me whenever they had the chance. I know my resentment towards black people isn't right. I know that it's the product of poverty and oppression and that several of my Hispanic neighbors were violent against my black neighbors as well. I know all this, but I just can't rid myself of the FEELING.

It really bothers me, and I feel like such a horrible human for being so prejudiced. Whenever I walk down the street and flinch when a black person walks by, I feel a lot of guilt. I don't have the time nor the money these days to go to therapy with a full time job and several children to take care of.

So, is there any advice for me? Have any of you been in similar situations where you have rid yourself of intense prejudice?

This quote from prime got me to thinking and I have heard similar statements often:

"So this is why my sister, who has identified as a girl since childhood, doesn't date and won't become intimate with anyone despite wanting to. Despite wanting, quite badly, to one day become a wife and mother, my sister is too afraid to even hold a man's hand for fear of what that person might do if they were to find out that she has a penis. She'd like to get comfortable enough with someone to disclose--wouldn't everyone like that for themselves?--but it's too dangerous because, well, because of assfaces like this guy.

So here's a big FUCK YOU to everyone who says that someone being who they are is 'lying' because it makes them slightly uncomfortable."

I agree that trans people should be respected and NOBODY should tell them what to do with their body. But is it wrong of me to think that I could not be sexually attracted to someone with a penis? I'm not trying to be trans-phobic, and I would protect their rights any way I could. But, I as a person could not enjoy sexual activities with someone who has a penis. Vagina is what attracts me sexually, and a penis would be an unstoppable turn off for me.

Does that mean that I am shitty or "live in a box"? I just don't see how a man not being attracted to a woman with a penis would make him a shitlord.

Also, sorry if I used any offensive language in advance. I tried not to do so.

Edit: HOLY FUCKING WALL OF TEXT BATMAN!! Sorry about this. I just realized it is almost 4:00 am where I am. I really got carried away.

Edit 2: TL;DR: I basically don't understand why it's not okay to criticize a person's religion. It seems to me that religion is one of the main forces behind social injustice yet SRS and many other liberal circles frown upon pointing this out.

Edit 3: Capitalism and economic inequality are, without a doubt, a more potent force for injustice than religion. Getting rid of religion (if that is even possible) would in no way solve every human ill. Some of them? I want to say "Yes." I have no problem with people taking comfort in religion during trying times. What I take issue with is when this comfort is used as a shield to hide religious doctrine behind when it comes under scrutiny. It is not as though simply thinking more about these things will lead to the same conclusions as me. That said; I think it is a problem that calling the religious project into question is actively discouraged. It is a social institution like any other and deserves the same scrutiny with which we examine government and media.

That isn't to say I don't have other shitlordly tendencies I'm still working on, but I think this one is in need of the most attention because it is the only one which I regularly disagree with SRS on an intellectual level.

I notice that SRS really hates /r/atheism. Don't worry, I can't stand that place either. However I am a SAWCSM STEM major atheist, and I often criticize religion, which seems to be a taboo of sorts in SRS as well as many left leaning social justice groups. I often try to justify criticizing religion by saying "There's a difference between attacking the religion and attacking the religious." And I honestly believe this.

Now, I'm sure some people reading this might be thinking "Well, you just think all religious people are fundamentalists" or something to that effect, but that's not true. I'm well aware that the vast majority of religious believers are moderates. But these are the people I have the most problems with. And before I go any further I want to say that religious moderation is orders of magnitude better than religious fundamentalism. Religious moderates don't fly planes into buildings, order their lives around apocalyptic prophecy, or dedicate resources to oppressing LGBT people and that's a very good thing.

But I still have problems with this vein of thinking. First of all it gives cover to fundamentalism. Religious moderates make it taboo to criticize faith. They want faith respected. They want the whole project of being religious, being identified as a Christian, Muslim, or Jew to be respected so that it is impossible to call into question this basic project; the ethical tenability of raising a child to believe she is a Christian as opposed to anything else. And under the cover of this respect we are now powerless to say the very harsh and necessary things about religious extremism that we need to say because it is taboo. You have to respect faith in liberal circles.

This demand to respect faith prevents us from even noticing the differences among our religions. It is taboo to notice that all our religions are not teaching the same thing. They're not all equally wise. And where they do teach the same thing they don't teach it equally well. Where are the Tibetan Buddhist suicide bombers? If you think for a moment the kind of violence in the Muslim world is born of the Israeli occupation and our misadventures in Iraq we should see Tibetan suicide bombers. Tibetans have suffered an occupation every bit as brutal and far more cynical than any that we or the British or the Israelis have imposed upon the Muslim world. Something like 1.2 million have died since the Chinese occupation. Where are the throngs of Tibetans in the streets calling for the death of Chinese noncombatants? Where are the Tibetans blowing themselves up on Chinese buses, at weddings, in crowds of children, in front of the offices of the Red Cross and the U.N? It's not happening. It's not likely to happen. It's not that you could not possibly form a death cult out of the principles of Tibetan Buddhism. In fact to some degree Zen Buddhist formed the world view of the kamikaze pilots during WWII and despite the soft image it has in the west Buddhism does have a history of violence--although not as long or as bloody as the western monotheisms. But you would have to work very hard to bend the core principles of Buddhism into this kind of orgy of violence and hatred. You don't have to work so hard as a Muslim or a Christian. And it would be impossible as a Jain. I mean, the core of Jainism is nonviolence. No matter how deranged you get as a Jain you will get less and less violent. "Fundamentalist" Jains cover their mouths with cloth so they don't inhale bugs and walk with brooms sweeping in front of them so they don't step on small animals. By no stretch of the imagination can you argue that the core principle of the Abrahamic religions is nonviolence. It is taboo to notice this. And it is especially taboo among liberal social justice circles like SRS. Our own religious demagogues will notice this. We can have Franklin Graham stand up and say "Islam is an evil religion." They'll notice the differences between religions because to them; everyone else has the wrong religion. But religious moderates have rendered this taboo.

I want to point out that I'm not talking about a race or ethnicity. I'm talking about the consequences of ideas. When I talk about Islam I'm including people like John Walker Lindh. The white guy from Marin country that went off to fight with the Taliban. More importantly I'm not talking about him as a person, but I'm talking about what it was that he and others believed that caused him to do what he did. It is with these ideas in particular which the west is at war with (to digress briefly into our current situation). Not merely Al-Qaeda. Not "Extremist Islam." The mainstream doctrine of Islam contains this notion of martyrdom and jihad. It contains this imperative to convert, subjugate, or kill infidels. Anyone who says it doesn't has not read the Qur'an or the Hadith or is lying about them. It is taboo to notice this.

I'm sure you're reading this thinking "This can't be religion. This is lack of economic and educational opportunity in the Muslim world." This often occurs to me as well, however, when it does I remind myself of the biographies of the 19 men who woke up on September eleventh 2001 and decided to slit the throats of flight attendants and fly planes into buildings. These guys were college educated to a man. Many of them had Phds. Many of them had been educated in the west. They were middle class or better. I don't know how many architects and engineers need to hit the wall at 400 mph for us to get it into our heads that this is not merely a problem of education or economics. These were not guys that spent a lot of time agitating about regime change in the middle east. They spent an inordinate amount of time at their mosque in Hamburg talking about the pleasures that await them in paradise and demonizing the infidel culture. The circumstance we are in is much more sinister than many want to realize. It is possible to be so well educated that you can build a nuclear bomb and to still think you're going to go to Paradise after you commit a suicide bombing. That is how partitioned the human mind is and how balkanized our discourse is. That is how immune religious proposition are to critical and conversational pressure in our discourse.

Another problem I have with religious moderation is that religious moderates are blinded by their own moderation. A moderate doesn't know what it's like to be certain of God or Paradise. To be certain that the book he keeps by his bedside is the perfect word of the creator of the universe. So when the moderate looks and sees the Jihadist on TV saying things to the video camera like "We love death more than the infidel loves life!" and blowing himself up the moderate is left thinking "Well that couldn't be faith. That's propaganda." or "I don't know what that was, but that's not religion." So it is really the discourse of religious moderation in liberal social justice groups like SRS that keeps convincing us that religion is not the problem. That this violence would happen anyway. These 19 men would have killed a lot of people anyway. I just don't see any evidence for that.

Another problem with religious moderation is that it is intellectually bankrupt. It really represents a fundamentally unprincipled use of reason. At least fundamentalists talk about evidence. If you ask a fundamentalist "Why do you believe Jesus was the son of God and the Bible is the perfect word of God?" you'll get reasons. They're not good reasons, but you will immediately see that these people are engaged in an evidentiary pursuit. They'll say things like "The New Testament confirms all of Old Testament prophecy." or "Every prophecy in the Bible has come true." Yes, these are specious claims but contrast that to what moderates say. Moderates don't talk about evidence. Moderates talk about meaning. They talk about the good effects of believing as they do. Now just take that kind of talk into another area. Just change God to another consoling proposition. Imagine your neighbor believes he's got a diamond buried in his backyard the size of a refrigerator. You ask him why and he responds with "You don't understand. This diamond gives my life a lot of meaning." or "My family loves the gatherings we have on the lawn digging this pit every Sunday. Are you going to take that away from us?" Or imagine if he says "I wouldn't want to live in a universe where there wasn't a diamond buried in my backyard." These are clearly the sayings of a madman or an idiot. And yet, take these same kind of excuses in the religious domain and these responses have immense prestige. In fact, unless you endorsed some thinking of that kind you could not possibly get elected to political office in most parts of this country.

Another problem I have with religious moderation is that it is theologically bankrupt. It's not like if we just read the books more closely we would discover all these reason to be moderates. I've got news for you; I've read the books and God is not a moderate. There's no place in these books where God says "Ok, when you get to the new world and you develop your three branches of government and you have a civil society you can just jettison all the barbarism I recommended in the first books." These books really are engines of fundamentalism. They are engines of intolerance. And it truely baffles me when SRS defends them. There really is a wrathful Jesus in the New Testament waiting to be found in 2nd Thessalonians and in Revelations who is exactly the Jesus found in the Left Behind series of novels that 60 million people have bought. The Jesus of just fiery wrath who's just going to throw gay people and feminists into the pit. That is there to be discovered and nowhere in the book does it say "Well, that's bogus." It's not an accident that people like St. Thomas Aquinas or St. Augustine, who're both still taught as the "Great Lights" of the western tradition, thought heretics should be killed outright (Aquinas) and tortured (Augustine). Augustine's argument for the use of torture laid the foundations for the Inquisition. This is not an accident and it's perfectly reasonable. We have this idea that the fact that we were burning heretics alive for five centuries in Europe represented some kind of civilizational departure into psychopathology. It didn't. It is perfectly reasonable to do this if you believe the books. The heretic next door, given certain beliefs, is far more dangerous than the child molester down the street. The heretic can say something to your child that will damn his soul for all time. Religious moderates loose touch with the fact that it's possible to believe this.

The final problem I have with religious moderation is that it is constitutive of merely relaxing our hold on these ancient superstitions and taboos and doesn't call into question the basic project of affiliating yourself with these traditions or venerating these books to the exclusion of any other books. Because it doesn't it is preventing us from developing modern 21st century alternatives and really bringing the full measure of human creativity to bear on questions of suffering and happiness.

So if you've made it this far maybe you can answer a few questions: Am I a shitlord about religion? Which part/parts specifically is/are shitty? Why is it/are they shitty? Am I not aware of some privilege which is getting in the way of me having a more rounded perspective on this issue? I truly feel that this is the one issue which I can't seem to reconcile intellectually with the Fempire on. Everything else; while it is true I have problems implementing a few of the principles listed in this post in real life (I have a porn addiction, that post is coming soon I promise) I can get behind almost all of them on an intellectual level.

Feel free to give any advice which I may not have specifically requested.

As above, apparently I've been bad on srsdiscussion. Not being a troll, honest to brd. I'd just like to know where I've gone wrong!

So, here's my position. First off, let's get privilege out of the way. I'm a straight white cissexual male who lives in an affluent suburb. I'm as privileged as they come. I have recognized and addressed my privilege - and I now believe, at any rate, that it no longer compels me to act improperly and with an inflated ego. It's something I have made a full effort to improve upon, anyway.

Now that that unpleasant business is out of the way, let me explain. Over the past six months I have undergone a transformation that took me from a vehement antifeminist to an outspoken (possibly radical) feminist. There were a whole lot of good arguments and good people that helped me through that metamorphasis, and now I believe I have emerged as the beautiful socially-conscious butterfly that I was always meant to be. I'm very lucky to be where I am now.

As I said, I am outspoken. I don't believe I'm worthy of an ideology if I don't contribute to it and spread it wherever possible. I think I'm doing an okay job. I've turned dozens of people and reformed some very bitter MRA types. At the very least, I've suppressed the opinions of a great many antifeminists by demonstrating to them the base irrationality of their arguments. When presented with remorseless, unchecked misogyny, sometime that's the best you can do. No matter what, I will always keep learning, so the things I say are as truthful and informative as they are passionate.

Now we get to the problem. Because I am a young person, and have been only recently introduced to Feminism, I have always been willing to suspend my personal objections to Feminist theory and regurgitate what I have been taught in the hopes that I will soon understand what I preach to others. It was good instinct on my part - in almost every case, I now fully understand the reason and necessity of almost every tenant of Feminist ideology.

Almost every.

A common plea in Feminist literature asks us to recognize a different definition for certain key words that the Patriarchy has modeled to serve its agenda. The word 'rape', for example, has colloqueally adopted a definition that is lacking and insufficient. The benefits of amending this definitional oversight are obvious and empirically justifiable. Two other words are often cited as examples of having often-misused definitions that demand readjustment. These words are 'sexism' and 'racism'.

To the layperson, these two words mean, respectively, 'prejudice against a sex' and 'prejudice against a race'. In Feminist literature (and the Fempire), these do not account for individual prejudice, but only for a prejudice that is societally reinforced by a power imbalance along the appropriate class lines. For example, a black man cannot be racist to a white man, because there is no power imbalance in the black man's favor that oppresses whites. The black man can only be prejudiced to the white man.

My question is this. I understand the critical distinction that must be made between societally-reinforced prejudice made from an oppressor to the oppressed, and simple prejudice. Why must we adopt different definitions for these two words, 'racism' and 'sexism'? I understand why, but I do not understand... why. Is it not enough to clarify the power imbalance a privileged class has over an unprivileged class, and leave those two words to their presently accepted meaning - a simple prejudice against sexual or racial lines? I would deeply appreciate it if anybody could explain this necessity to me.

No matter what happens, I will always tout the academically accepted tenants of Feminism as the shining beacon of reason and self-evidence, but the time has come for me to understand why I do this. I appreciate those of you who took the time to read this.

Giving the reader's digest version here for privacy concerns, but. I used to be a shitlord. Not a raging shitlord, I've had a vague interest in feminism most of my life that has gained much traction lately thanks to srs (thx). But a shitlord nonetheless. Not quite a nice guy, and far from a redditor, and have been called a PC slur many a time, but still a shitlord. I came to SRS during a period of a lot of self-discovery in my life, and thought I had worked past a lot of things that I didn't realize were so inherently harmful. I have recently (within the past 3-4 months) entered a relationship that up to this point has been mutually beneficial, awesome, and satisfying. But I pulled some shitlordy shit. I'm not going to say what it was, because it was based in passivity and the circumstances are kind of complex. And all that shit boils down to the same thing anyway and splitting hairs over that part is wasted time.

I thought not being a shitlord was easy, but I let my guard down. I've connected this event to other, more obvious signs of depressive cycles I have. My personal life has been rather limited lately, I'm living with my family out of necessity after college. Both of my parents were emotionally (greatly; my father had fits of violent rage and my mother was an alcoholic who would get drunk and "confide" in me at a young age) and physically (more limited; spankings and smacks here and there, and for a while before I hit puberty my mother gave me Metaboslim to deal with my binge eating disorder) abusive. Both of them deny specific memories I brought up to them and deny that the pattern of behavior qualifies as abuse. I haven't been on speaking terms with them for about a week.

So, I guess my partner has decided to give me a second chance. I told her that I would be a passive agent in her decision, and whatever she decides to do I'll support. We talked for hours and hours about this, and decided a few things were in order. First, we should make sure to make time to communicate, even/especially when things are going well. Second, we decided on a safe word (not 'cacao') to immediately pause and talk when things get shitty. Third, some space and a break from sex.

I've decided on a few things in my own time. I've taken the first steps in seeking therapy, a feminist group, and a meditation group in my area that are good. I've also been stepping in a higher gear about getting out of my current living situation and dead-end job and being more proactive about my depression.

Now, here's where I ask you all, is this common? Am I salvageable? Is there a kind of 12 step program for shitlords? How much does depression play a factor in these patterns of behavior? What are questions I should be asking myself? What are questions I should be asking my partner? Is this an issue of housebreaking? Does this resonate with anyone else here?

I understand at this point I can't be perfect. But I can at least grow from this. Any resources would be appreciated.

EDIT: Minor wording tweaks for clarity, since I originally wrote it well past my bedtime.

Hello ladies and gentlemen -- and queerfolk and otherkin out there too.

I'm mostly a lurker in the Fempire, and why is related to this difficult question. I've spent a great deal of time thinking and reading about it, and I'm finding conflicting answers, so I'm putting it up here to get some input from people who might have an opinion.

I am a AWCAAM (letter changes intentional) who has a lot of privilege, and is trying to be more Feminist. Unfortunately, because of various factors (most prominently undiagnosed Asperger's -- long story), interacting with other people is often difficult for me. Among the list of Faux Paws I make is whacking others upside the head with shit, without realizing I'm doing it, and being unable to tell that's what happened unless it's spelled out.

For instance, I often cannot tell whether certain things are a joke or not. If I guess wrong (I think it's a joke but it isn't), then I've been a jerk by making light of a serious subject another person was passionate about. I was intending to be funny, but it came off as dismissive. Recently, in a mixed-gender context, that carried a giant whallop I didn't intend. Or so I'm guessing, based on some behavioral changes which happened shortly after that mistake.

I do try to not hurt people. I have read a lot of Feminist theory, and think I have a reasonable grasp of it. I can tell when something I see is shitlordery -- after varying amounts of reflection. I have cleaned up my language quite a bit in the past 18 months, switching four or five slurs with general-purpose curse words. I can learn to follow clear-cut rules, like the nice list of Helpful Hints for Dudes provided by Melissa McEwan. I have even sent an e-mail to a person I knew, advising him he was being a shitlord in a given situation, and said person changed his behavior. I felt like a Feminist Hero that day.

But that does not excuse my bad behavior. Nor does the fact that it's unintentional. I understand that intent is not magic. No matter what I was trying to say, what they heard is the point, and that it hurt. Whenever I am told something was hurtful (usually by people who know I need such things spelled out) I apologize and mean it. I often feel an emotional sting (many times, shock: "they thought I meant WHAT!?!?") for many minutes thereafter.

But even with all that trying hard and feeling bad, I won't be able to "learn" from many of my mistakes in any meaningful way. The next context or the next word will come along, and seem entirely different and fine, and oops, I verbally whack someone on the head again. Or I thought this word was safe in context A, but not B, and I was wrong.

Sometimes, I beat myself up over it, but mainly, I have simply accepted that I'll have to struggle with this the rest of my life. And this is where something I want to do with my spare time -- feminist activism -- comes in.

There is an old query in philosophy: what happens when an unstoppable force hits an immovable object? Is the force stopped or does the object move? Both seem to break the rules of the world.

Well, my question is: what happens when an blundering ally accidentally hits a fragile person? Is the ally removed from the conversation (because zie is thrown out) or the aggrieved (because zie can't take it and leaves)? Both seem to violate the spirit of Feminism.

I'm sure the answer will vary depending on group dynamics. But prospectively, how much (or just how, perhaps) do you think I should get involved in The Cause based on this? I think both extremes ("never" and "always") are wrong, and I have no idea where the middle is.

Thoughts are appreciated.

P.S. Difficulty with context question: do I understand Rule X correctly?

I understand it as analogous to how, every year in ancient Greece, the Spartans would declare war on the Helots, who they had conquered and enslaved long ago. The point was not to wipe them out; just to allow the destruction of problematic individuals without a legal or scriptural debate.

I mainly want to share my story in case others who behaved the way that I used to behave read it so maybe they can learn about how I used to be and maybe learn they need to grow up a little.

Basically, I was your typical "nice guy". I always claimed to be a nice guy and never really thought I was doing anything wrong. I really never heard myself speak at all when I talked about women. Maybe because I was so used to my attitude and my delusions about the world that what I was saying was fact and I really didn't need to consider a second thought or opinion on it? Maybe. No one really ever corrected me anyways. Deep down I'm sure they hated me because of my attitude and I don't blame them at all. I was what you ladies and gentlemen call a shitlord. No one wants to associate with a shitlord because just about 100% of the time, shitlords are immature adult children that can't seem to function in mainstream society.

So as stated, I was a "nice guy". I recall calling women "bitches" and "sluts" if they never gave me a chance but instead dated another guy that wasn't me. Typical, yes. I was also in high school so I was also still immature back then but that's no excuse as to how I acted. This carried over to my first year of college where I tried very hard to fit in and tried very hard to date women but those tendencies still followed me like a massive shit smell like from a landfill. I was still bitter and while I didn't think I hated women, deep down I think I did because I only treated them as things, yes, things, to date and fuck. I was still growing but like I said, it was no excuse for my behavior to look at women like that instead of human beings and people, not sex objects.

Then as I progressed through my college life (and am still in college, in fact. My last semester, actually) I started seeing other people display this behavior. The first couple of times I really didn't pay attention but as it became more and more frequent, I started to realize just how disgusting I was. When you see someone act like the way you do, from your own perspective, it really phases you in a way that you see your inner self for what it really is, not how you perceive it to be. Curious, I asked these people why they thought the way they did and their answers were eerily similar to my train of thought. It was right there I knew I was acting like a complete asshole for years and that I had to put a stop to it.

I asked for advice from people who knew me best about how I could change from the current bitter attitude I had to a non-shitlord. It took time and patience but by the time I started my junior year of college, I finally shook off my bad habits and I can safely say that I'm much, much happier than I am now, a 24 year old 6th year senior who has a very positive attitude and a very bright outlook on life now rather than that 16-19 year old punk who only wallowed in self-pity and was completely bitter about the world. I realized I had changed when I attempted to ask a woman out on a date and when she rejected me, I said to myself "you can't win every time" and moved on with my life. However me and that woman are still friends and there are no lingering issues or awkardness between us.

I'm very thankful that I caught my attitude very early into my college life because if I hadn't, who knows how I would be right now. My money would be on that younger punk version of me.

Thank you for reading this wall of text. I just needed to get this off of my chest because it's been bugging me for so long and I figured that out of all the people I can think of, you SRSters (that is what you call each other, yes?) would appreciate this and understand this the most. So again, thank you.

Posting this here since I'd still totally call myself a shitlord and it seems more appropriate to talk here than elsewhere. I've been lurking SRS for a little while and have done pretty well with picking things up, I think. But aside from improving my vocabulary (ie, using accurately descriptive words rather than just throwing slurs), I can't say I've put a lot of effort into changing the way I act or whatever. Not that I'm a womanizing scumbag or anything, but you know, I just haven't fully embraced the message yet I guess?

Anyways, the whole "rape apologist" thing is one part that I had a hard time wrapping my head around because I'd never met anyone who outright defended them. I mean, I know people, and have myself, made jokes and stuff like that, that kind of indirect "rape culture" contribution. But when an actual rapist was identified, I've never known anybody to make excuses for them... till now.

There's a gal I've known for quite a while, we're good friends, and more than that on an off and on basis. I'll call her "A". We have a mutual friend (henceforth referred to as "B") who was, while pregnant, raped by her boyfriend. I heard through the grapevine after B confided in A who later told me about it. B apparently forgave & forgot and later married the guy, which... yeah I don't even know what to say about that really, but stranger things have happened I guess.

So the other day A was hanging out with B and her now-husband and invited me to come along. I told her no because I really didn't want to be around the guy. I didn't think I'd be able to look him in the eye or give him any amount of respect, knowing what had happened. "A" found this odd, for some reason, and proceeded to list off every line people talk about people using that I'd never heard before. "He was drunk." "They're in a relationship, is it really rape?" So on and so forth with things that just left me speechless.

So now I'm trying to figure out how to handle the situation. This is someone I thought I knew well enough and never expected to hear her talk this way, especially since she herself has been the victim of sexual assault before. I tried explaining to her why I didn't feel that any of those things excused his actions, but it didn't get very far. Her stance is that if B is OK with the current situation, she will be too. Which is fine, stick by your friends, of course. I get that. What bothers me is that she's still pressuring me to hang around with this guy, and I can't stand the idea. She doesn't seem to see or understand why I'd have a problem with that and continues to make excuses for why it's not that big of a deal.

Anyways, I... guess I don't really know what my question is... How do/did you guys react when someone you know & care about starts saying things that you find revolting? Does it force you to seriously reevaluate who they are, or do you just chalk it up to nobody's perfect and try not to view them any differently? How do you deal with potentially having to hang out with a scumbag like that if you want to see your friends? Any other input that might help me deal with the situation? It's really knocked me for a loop because like I said, I'd never really heard anybody talk like this before, and when I finally do, it's from someone I'm really close to.

Sorry for the length as well as any unintentional misuse of words or anything like that. Like I said, I'm new to all this, I may not have phrased everything perfectly. Also thanks for being around. Honestly I think SRS is one of the best communities on Reddit. I've learned lots from y'all.