Rules

Hi SRS,

I found another post on here that sounded fairly similar from about 5 years ago but as the issues depicted in the post seemed for a more 'serious reason' than mine and didn't want to necro a 5 year old post thought I'd try this.

As the title says, when I get angry at myself, I start palming myself in the side of the head, I've not caused any lumps or anything yet but given myself quite painful headaches from it. Hitting the right side of my head, causing pain in the left side.

Sometimes when I do this, it really hurts and I get even more annoyed and bite my hand for hitting myself, which also hurts. This act is completely impulsive, I get steadily annoyed and then I'll get tipped over the edge and be hitting myself before I know it.

Also it's for super stupid reasons, it's always about being annoyed with myself. Playing games online and losing too much, playing Bass and messing up something I feel I should know. Essentially, 'being bad' at things really winds me up.

I've been to therapy and discussed things like this but it's never really gotten anywhere and with things how they are at the moment, affording it isn't that viable at the moment.

It's dumb, makes me more annoyed when I'm already annoyed and hurts.

Any advice?

I think a lot about the tiny ways that injustice is spread and perpetuated, and the small, day to day actions individuals can take to combat higher systemic attitudes of oppression. For instance, I know some people choose to use only emojis that reflect their racial identity, or offering and asking for pronouns as a habit of introduction. I’m looking for a non-accusatory discussion about micro aggressions in fiction writing. My specific question is this, and it’s one I’ve been thinking about for a long time:

Can authors (especially ones who have privilege in society) write outside their own lived experiences with regards to race, sexual and gender orientation, class and experiences with systematic oppression? Like could an upperclass white, cis, straight, male author write a middle class biracial, asexual, female character? If so, what are ways tokenizing happens and how can that be avoided?

Increasing representation in literature is imperative but there definitely wrong ways to go about it, and I believe it is important to think about who has what agency when they put their writing out into the world.

Help my eyes hurt when I'm giving my husband oral sex. Is this a normal thing?

I keep hearing how he is bad and homophobic and stuff but i just cant find any dirt on him. I only ask because a friend of mine has started watching him and I don't want him to become an anti-SJW. my friend hates racism and stuff like that and is pretty leftwing but i qorry he may be on the verge of being converted as he's started saying things like "politics shouldn't be in gaming" and other classic anti sjw stuff.

so yeah is there like a list of dirt on this guy or am I being overly parnoid?

Kind of like the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis/Linguistic Relativity, but not exactly?

​

e.g., a joke about Chik-fil-a that portrays the restaurant in a positive or neutral light gives it free advertising, getting the concept of Chik-fil-a into people's heads without making them thing critically about the owner's religious ethics or about the lives that the chickens lead before becoming food.

So before I begin I want to say this is going to be a long and incoherent post as I’m just going to put everything out there at once. Also for context I’m white and I’m not sure about my gender or sexuality, but for now consider me a cisgender, heterosexual, male.

Anyways from the ages of 15-20 I was into edgy humor. I shared edgy/offensive memes in group chats with my friends, and posted some of them on an anonymous Twitter. The worst of it was when I was 16-17, when I turned 18 I started finding some of the stuff I previously found funny to be distasteful, and this continued to the age of 20 where I quit this kind of humor completely.

Back when I was posting this kind of stuff I thought it was okay as long as I made fun of everyone equally (including groups I was apart of). I was taught to take a joke at a young age, and I honestly did think that as long as something was said in a context that was obviously humor based, it was okay.

I’m not exactly sure what triggered my change of heart, but recently I decided to step away from that kind of humor going forward, and shortly after I began to feel guilty about what I had done. I deleted all of my offensive memes off my phone, deactivated my old Twitter, and donated to the NAACP. I also posted about this on a throw away account to a different, less political, subreddit and confided with the one person I trust with any secret IRL. People on the subreddit and this person both told me that I was overreacting and that as long as I don’t do it anymore I shouldn’t feel guilty, but that doesn’t feel right to me. I feel as if they are comparing me to full on white supremists. I already know I’m not as bad as the people who marched in Charlottesville, but that doesn’t really absolve me of anything. That’s like comparing a murderer to a child murderer. One is objectively worse, but that doesn’t make the other any less innocent. Even if what I did is in a completely different category like they said, that would still be comparing someone who committed assault to someone who committed murder. Again, one is worse, but that doesn’t make the other any better.

So that’s everything that’s happened so far, but now I need to ask the million dollar question, what’s next? I feel extremely guilty for what I have done, I know I can’t change the past but I can change the future. I just have no idea how to go about it.

So that’s pretty much everything. Overall I feel terrible for what I’ve done, and I feel as if I’m a garbage human being. I also don’t have much time to wallow in my regret since I have to try and act normal as to not worry my family and friends. One of my friends has depression and has talked about suicide in the past, so I need to be extra strong for him. Also in the end I can regret what I’ve done for the rest of my life, but that still won’t undo what I’ve done.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading this random mess of words. Anything anyone says at this point will help, even if you just want to call me a terrible person.

TL;DR - I was an edgy shitlord and am regretting every moment of it. I want to try and move forward as a person, but am not sure how to do so.

Okay so I don't actually hate /r/anime in its entirety. But it is an exasperating sub due to it's prevalence of what I'd consider redditors with more regressive views.

Is there an anime community or sub out there that tends to be more critical of anime's . . . problematic elements? /r/anime you get a lot of rape apologia from fans of Goblin Slayer or borderline incels flocking to rubbish like that stupid Shield Hero anime.

So the title is the big question but I'm also posting to rant. I just came off of watching the first episodes of Shield Hero (That false rape accusation anime) because there's a morbid curiosity as to why it's popular. I had a pretty good idea as to why but I suppose I'm an optimist that the community isn't THAT shit.

I've been a fan of anime for a long time. Yes, I'll concede fan service does titillate and amuse me at times, but I've always held a barely contained disgust towards it as well. Mainly because it's always done in spite of good characterization. And worse embodies the shadow of Japan's much more sexist (It's just traditionalist!!gags) culture and desire to adhere to and reinforce established gender norms.

Worse is the sort of rampant apologia with the aforementioned stuff like Goblin Slayer. And the simple fact that a lot of anime favors low brow nonsense that is convinced it's being topical when it's really just juvenile edginess. Worse is what the character of the story embodies. The character Goblin Slayer is a lazily written shamelessly blatant projection fantasy. He's a sexless plank of wood that anime fans seem to love cause he appeals to their worst internal projection fantasies.

As opposed to a character like Berserk's Guts. Yes, that's a series that is also edgy and lurid. But I always felt like it built upon the worst evils in its story to make a point, not just serve as a device. And Guts himself, while stoic carries a range of emotions from trauma to genuine compassion.

A student of mine (undergrad) posted this question on social media. He is sympathetic to the cause of feminism and agrees that masculinity needs revision. He could not understand why men would find the ad offensive.

In thinking of what to say to him, I drew a blank. What is a simple way to explain this to him? Are there are any articles that might help?

I mentioned that he is an undergrad, and thus don't want to weigh him down with too complex theory. This is not to say he can't understand complex theory, just that I think its better to ease into it as your reading/comprehension progresses.

I’m a jazz piano player who has developed an affinity for playing Latin/Cuban jazz - salsa, bossa, etc...I’m a white guy.

If I started a band that played a lot of Latin Jazz tunes...standards (I.e Manteca), etc....is that problematic?

I'm looking for a sub where I can go just to vent (particularly about microaggressions) as a working class person. I follow /r/latestagecapitalism and /r/povertyfinance, but I'm looking for something more intimate and casual.

Alice: Am I allowed to say <word>?

Bob: No you may not.

Alice: Why is that?

Bob: Because if you say <word> then you are evil.

Alice: But Charles says <word> all the time and you don't judge him as evil.

Bob: It is okay for Charles to say <word> because he belongs in <Category X> while you belong in <Category Y>.

Alice: But you just said that it is evil to say <word>!

Bob: It's only evil for people in <Category X> to say <word>.

However, I believe that Bob is being a hypocrite, because he is advocating a standard ("saying <word> is evil") that he does not really believe ("...but it is only evil for people in <category Y> to say the word.")

The following were accused of sexual assault, sexual harassment and/or gender discrimination:

• Ben Affleck, filmmaker[66]
• Peter Aalbæk Jensen, filmmaker[67]
• Ken Baker, TV personality[68]
• André Balazs, hotelier[69]
• Eddie Berganza, former editor at DC Comics[70]
• John Besh, chef[71]
• Stephen Blackwell, former chief strategy officer for Billboard[72]
• Sepp Blatter, former president of FIFA[73]
• David Blaine, magician[74]
• Alfred S. Bloomingdale, businessman[75]
• Fausto Brizzi, filmmaker[76]
• George H. W. Bush, former President of the United States[77][78]
• Alex Calder, musician[79]
• Louis C.K., comedian[80]
• Mariah Carey, singer and actress[81]
• CBS, Eye Productions, Jeffrey Downer, Jake Downer, and others associated with Hawaii Five-0[82]
• Tony Cornish, member of the Minnesota House of Representatives[83]
• Stephen Crabb, UK Member of Parliament[84]
• Bart De Pauw, TV producer[85]
• Andy Dick, comedian[86]
• Richard Dreyfuss, actor[87]
• Charlie Elphicke, UK Member of Parliament[88]
• Ahmet Ertegun, founder of Atlantic Records[89]
• Sir Michael Fallon, UK Member of Parliament[90]
• Jean Picker Firstenberg, former American Film Institute CEO[91]
• Hamilton Fish V, former publisher at The New Republic[92]
• Mark Garnier, UK Member of Parliament[64]
• The Gaslamp Killer, musician[93]
• Gabi Gazit, radio personality and TV talk-show host[94]
• Benjamin Genocchio, art critic[95]
• Alex Gilady, founder of Keshet Media Group[96]
• Patricia Glaser, lawyer[note 1][97][98]
• Gary Goddard, founder and CEO of Goddard Group[99]
• Damian Green, UK First Secretary of State[100]
• Brad Grey, former Paramount Pictures executive[101][97]
• Jon Grissom, actor[102]
• Jack J. Grynberg, businessman[103]
• David Guillod, former co-CEO of Primary Wave Entertainment[104]
• Mark Halperin, author and journalist[105]
• Dustin Hoffman, actor[106][107]
• Jeff Hoover, member of the Kentucky House of Representatives[108]
• Kelvin Hopkins, UK Member of Parliament[109]
• Vincent Ingenito, former editor for IGN[110]
• Jesse Jackson, Baptist minister[111]
• Danny Jordaan, president of South African Football Association[112]
• Steve Jurvetson, venture capitalist[113]
• Ethan Kath, musician[114]
• Daniel Kawczynski, UK Member of Parliament[115]
• R. Kelly, musician[116]
• Val Kilmer, actor[117]
• Robert Knepper, actor[118]
• Andrew Kramer, former Lionsgate executive[119]
• Andrew Kreisberg, television writer and producer, co-creator of Arrowverse[120]
• Lasse Kronér, musician and television personality[121]
• Jesse Lacey, musician[122]
• Knight Landesman, former publisher at Artforum[123]
• Bruno Langley, actor[124]
• Jack Latvala, Florida State Senator[125]
• Steve Lebsock, Member of the Colorado House of Representatives[126]
• Clive Lewis, UK Member of Parliament[127]
• Dezso Magyar, filmmaker and college instructor[91]
• Tyler Malka, owner of NeoGAF[128]
• László Marton, theatre director[129]
• Mark McDonald, Member of Scottish Parliament[130]
• Benny Medina, talent manager and film producer[131]
• Matt Mondanile, musician[132]
• Eric Monier, former editorial director of France 2[133]
• Roy Moore, politician and former Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of Alabama.[134]
• Lawrence "Larry" G. Nassar, former ostheopathic physician for USA Gymnastics[135]
• Jared O'Mara, UK Member of Parliament[136]
• Bill O'Reilly, author and political commentator[137]
• Michael Oreskes, former NPR executive[138]
• Bijou Phillips, actress[139]
• Christopher Pincher, UK Member of Parliament[140]
• Shervin Pishevar, venture capitalist[141]
• Jeremy Piven, actor[142][143][144]
• Roman Polanski, filmmaker[145]
• Dan Poulter, UK Member of Parliament[146]
• Roy Price, former Amazon Studios executive[147]
• Ian Prior, digital editor for The Guardian[148]
• Dominic Raab, UK Member of Parliament[149]
• Tariq Ramadan, philosopher[150]
• Twiggy Ramirez, musician[151]
• Brett Ratner, filmmaker[152][153]
• Terry Richardson, photographer[154]
• George Riley, sports broadcaster[121]
• Luke Rockets, musician[155]
• Gilbert Rozon, founder of Just for Laughs[156]
• Éric Salvail, television personality[121]
• Carl Sargeant, former Member of the National Assembly for Wales and first suicide following allegations[157][158]
• Chris Savino, animator and creator of The Loud House[159]
• Murray Schisgal, playwright and screenwriter[107]
• Robert Scoble, blogger[160]
• Dan Schoen, member of Minnesota House of Representatives[161]
• Mark Schwahn, screenwriter and creator of One Tree Hill[162]
• Steven Seagal, actor and martial artist[163]
• Garry Shandling, comedian[101][97]
• Robert Shapiro, lawyer[97]
• Charlie Sheen, actor[164]
• Don Shooter, member of the Arizona House of Representatives[165]
• Andy Signore, co-creator of Screen Junkies[166]
• Ira Silverstein, member of the Illinois Senate[167]
• Russell Simmons, co-founder of Def Jam Records[168]
• John Singleton, filmmaker[111]
• Tom Sizemore, actor[169]
• Calvin Smyre, member of the Georgia House of Representatives[170]
• Kevin Spacey, actor[171][172]
• Max Stafford-Clark, theater director[173]
• Lockhart Steele, writer [174]
• Rory Stewart, UK Member of Parliament[149]
• Oliver Stone, filmmaker[175]
• George Takei, actor[176]
• Jeffrey Tambor, actor[177]
• Martin Timell, TV personality[178]
• James Toback, filmmaker[179]
• Giuseppe Tornatore, filmmaker[180]
• John Travolta, actor[181]
• Fredrik Virtanen, journalist and columnist[182]
• Gijs van Dam, TV producer[183]
• Adam Venit, agent at William Morris Endeavor[184]
• Michel Venne, journalist[121]
• Gianni Versace, fashion designer[185]
• Tony Villani, former American Film Institute dean[91]
• The Walt Disney Company and Barbara Schneeweiss for Harvey Weinstein's behavior while Disney owned Miramax[186]
• Warner Bros., NZK Productions, and various producers of The Bachelorette (Bennett Graebner, Elan Gale, Peter Scalettar, Jacqueline Naz Perez, Caitlin Stapleton)[187]
• Kirt Webster, music publicist[188]
• Matthew Weiner, screenwriter and creator of Mad Men[189]
• Bob Weinstein, The Weinstein Company chairman[190]
• Jann Wenner, founder and publisher of Rolling Stone[191]
• Ed Westwick, actor[192][193]
• Elie Wiesel, writer and activist[194]
• Leon Wieseltier, writer[195]
• Norman Wisdom, actor and comedian[196]
• James Woods, actor[197]
• Matt Zimmerman, former talent booker for NBC News[198]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Me_Too_(hashtag)#Aftermath

Questions:

• Do you predict there being any significant cultural effects on Hollywood and society at large?

• Do you predict there being an “accusation-fatigue” effect on the public-at-large that will dilute the impact of each individual charge? Some of these big names were accused of rape within the last two weeks, but if you look up the most recent stories on them, the accusations aren’t featured in them.

• Harkening back to my earlier question on broad cultural change: will this change the dynamics of interaction between men and women? Cultural roles lean toward men initiating interactions; will this change?

• Does believing the victim equate to believing the accused’s guilt?

• What would be the best outcome from this?

I keep thinking about this. For example, in the recent events wherein people take a stand against sexual harassment, I've seen a few people on places like Twitter and Tumblr say things like "Just saying you believe women and victims isn't enough, you need to take action." How is someone like me supposed to take action? I've never sexually harassed anyone because I've never done anything remotely sexual to anyone before. I don't know anyone who has sexually harassed someone (to my knowledge) because I don't know very many people in general, so I can't call out other men for inappropriate behavior. I've also seen people say I should help use my white privilege to benefit PoC, but uh....how? I confront my biases regularly and if I'm ever in a situation wherein I can help dispel racism (such as working towards diversity if I'm hiring people for jobs, if I ever get into a situation like that), but on an everyday basis I don't know how I'd do that.

I recently learned that most social justice movements have started saying that as part of the definition of racism it has to include systemic oppression. Meaning that white people cannot experience racism because they are the race traditionally perpetuating racism. Rather they experience racial prejudice.

I was just wondering why this definition change came about. I think of racism as the definition in a textbook. "prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one's own race is superior"

Doesn't changing the definition without really telling everyone outside of these circles just seem confusing and leading to arguments? Why not differentiate between racism (Which everyone can experience) and systemic racism (much more serious).

As opposed to saying racial prejudice and racism. The definition of racial prejudice is essentially the same as what most people mean as racism. I think where most people think of the definition in the old way it is more troubling for them to hear "white people can't experience racism" As opposed to "white people can't experience systemic racism"

Similarly men could experience sexist, but not systemic sexism. It would seem weird to say mean experience gender prejudice.

I apologize in advance if this isn't the appropriate place to ask this.

I've been having some issues in my life for a while now and don't know where to turn. Due to issues with my health insurance, therapy isn't really an option, and I feel embarrassed to talk about it with friends or family.

Is there a place in this community to ask for advice on life? I'm kind of not comfortable sharing in any other subreddit community, which may have Reddit's familiar brand of toxicity.

I just want to share somewhere where I know I won't be shamed for whatever reason.

Again, sorry if this isn't the place to ask this.

are they pro or anti the values and beliefs of SRS? to me there like libertarian white male assholes, well some. i dont think bernie bros are a good representation of the left with there anti open borders stance and indifference to minorities. i find myself liking hillary clinton supporters more. what does srs think of bernies cult following and shitshow trap house?

Original Question was "Brother's high school had a welcome-back event solely for POCs. How do I support my instinct that it's not racist?"

I responded a bit poorly I'll admit "So it's racist by definition. I feel horrible for the poor white kids that get excluded on all levels then."

Response from the mods asking why i got banned and why it was permanent.

"Sorry by Rule X I meant that you were posting in bad faith. Additionally see the following from our sidebar: If you do not, at minimum, understand and agree with basic feminist tenets and the concept of intersectionality, SRSDiscussion is not the sub for you."

So I guess I just thought if minorities needed a safe place that's totally ok to exclude members of the majority(white people) however this was a welcome back week(not a safe place?). I even found some news about this being an issue if they don't specifically call it a safe place which I didn't know if they did or not. http://www.snopes.com/hamilton-non-white-casting-call/ http://nypost.com/2017/05/31/college-melts-down-over-plan-for-white-people-free-day-on-campus/

I'm honestly just confused and would like a better understanding so I don't make the same mistake going forward. I tend to look too much at the literal definition of words vs understanding them used in context because I'm very poor with communication.

Basically i saw that Chicago Pride thing and it got me thinking about what the symbol of my ethnicity could be misconstrued as supporting fascism done in the name of it. That and i've never understood what Zionism means other than "a bad thing".

I also posted a comment on the SRS thread but deleted as i realize i was being callous, apologies.

Also, I'm aware that the Magen David originally was a general, Abrahamic religion symbol that later became associated with Judaism due proto-Zionists (maybe, idk) and the stigmatization thereof onto Judaism. I still wouldn't compare it to the wholly appropriated swastika, but more the star and crescent thing which was originally a Turkish symbol.

I am not sure what should be considered "islamophobia" and what is just "criticism of Islam". I am curious where others think this line is, or whether there even is such a line. Is there a "rule of thumb" that can be used for this?

I've been thinking a lot about this and want to reach out to a broader community to make sure I'm being inclusive. I'm making a survey where biological sex is an important factor (it's a medical survey). I know I should include XX, XY, and various intersex options, but I'm unsure how trans people or anyone else would describe their biological sex and how HRT factors into this. Any help would be appreciated!

From the way my friends (not on reddit) have been using it, I had gathered it to mean something like "I'm frustrated about something, and I know that thing isn't really a big deal, but I'm still frustrated, so I'm expressing that frustration in a self depreciating way", and I've used it myself to express that sentiment. Now I hear that it's used primarily to mock austic people, which obviously concerns me. Can anyone point me to an origin/explanation that explains that intent?

For skin protection at the beach.

Edit: Oh also I was wondering if anyone had good answers to when people ask or assume I'm Muslim, which does already happen sometimes because I cover up in intense sun. I don't say explicitly that I'm not Muslim because that seems like throwing Muslims under the bus- like it's okay to harass, just don't harass ME.

How it typically starts is they ask if I'm Muslim, usually angrily or suspiciously, and I ask if there is a problem with that. Most people start backpedaling then, saying no or trying to make excuses that they wanted t make sure I wasn't under duress (?!?!) or sometimes just getting embarrassed and walking away.

BUT that answer does infuriate SOME people, and that gets scary and I'd like a response to that other than saying, "No, there is nothing wrong with being Muslim, nor is every woman dressed like Grace Kelley of Muslim faith." but I fear that what gets them to leave me alone at that is the realization that I'm not who they meant to harass.

Any ideas or suggestions on how to handle these situations in ways that are safe, but also do not throw Muslim women under the bus?

Not sure if this is allowed or not. As an outsider, a lot of what I see from the "Fempire" and social justice advocates is pointed, valid criticism. Some aspects however, seem to be a tad radical, such as anti-capitalism, enforced diversity, and intense scrutiny of entertainment media. Do you find any of these positions to be too extreme? Is there anything you believe that social justice advocates gets wrong?

If there is a better sub for questions such as these, please let me know!

Whats the difference?

From this comment:

"Let the fascist speak! What's the big deal? Free speech is a thing!" / "Let the fascist gather followers! What's the big deal? People should be able to hold whatever beliefs they want." / "Let the fascist get elected president! What's the big deal? If he wins, it's obviously the will of the people." / It's not ignorance at this point, it's outright malice. They're not stupid, they're lying to our faces. The real question is, what are we going to do about it?

It is hard to notice that this fear at the very least acknowledges that most people are not basically "good," which has historically been a very Hobbesian/conservative belief. If you believe that people are basically predisposed to become fascist, and that without a strong centralized government to constantly fight against these beliefs life would be "nasty, brutish, and short," aren't you the very definition of a Hobbesian conservative?

I'll start with what I'm trying to do, then my confusion. Specifically I'm trying to make all humanoid Overwatch characters in Mii form for some games, to hopefully stream. I don't want to be offensive though, and this making into human gets weird when it comes to the non-human humanoid characters, Winston and Zenyetta in particular.

My first instinct to make them recognizable would be to make their palettes match- Winston chestnut brown and Zenyetta golden (there's no silver option and his chin and alt skins are gold, and he is probably supposed to be based on Tibetan monks, so his human version would probably have a more golden skin tone)

But then I'm left with 1) a black man with monkey features/equating a black man with an ape and b) two non-human humanoid characters who are made to be poc, which I could imagine potentially making someone feel dehumanised.

But if I make them both white, that seems like it might be some form of whitewashing? Like pretending only white people exist. There are some poc in the human characters, but it's still a largely white cast (about half white)

There is one more non-human character, Bastion, who as a German machine would probably be whitish if I make him (I can't yet figure out how to make a death robot into a human.) It's worth noting that Mii's can only have shades of brown and pink as skin tones (IE no metal colours for robots)

Here are some alpha designs of Winston and Zen that I tried out (the picture makes Winston's palette look lighter than it is.)

Ya'll are pretty empathetic people so I was hoping for your points of view on how and if it's possible to avoid perpetuating racist ideas with my anthropomorphization of non-human humanoid characters. What I've done wrong, what I could improve, or if it's just better to not try to anthropomorphize these characters with such a limited tool set.

Thanks in advance

Im a trans woman. Im not ready to decide for against SRS. Both the subincised penis and the neo-vagina greatly appeal to me. I'd like to know if any research or professional opinions are available on the plausibility of constructing a neo-vagina post penile subincision. From my uneducated point of view it would seem like the subincision would offer more tissue to construct the vaginal canal, but it also seems just as likely that the reduced urethra length or other factors might completely prohibit SRS.

Any thoughts? Opinions?

I'm not sure if this is ableism/prejudice or just being a jerk, I apologize if I've used inaccurate terms.

Tl;dr: My skin turns bright red at the drop of a hat. People flip out thinking I'm dying, despite me explaining that the tone is normal for my skin. How to help people understand to stop the flipping out?

Long version, I can't go into saunas or hot tubs in public because people freak out, but with good intentions. My skin is extremely pale and it turns lobster red when touched at all or exposed to heat for more than a couple of minutes. I have seen a doctor and he says that there is nothing wrong with my skin. But trying to explain that to other patrons is difficult if not impossible.

What I've experienced isn't people thinking I am contagious, but rather thinking that I am in medical distress. I have had people (other patrons) TWICE in different pools ignore my insistence that it is just what my skin does, and firmly 'help' me up and out because they think I am getting heat stroke (I am disabled so I am unable to firmly plant myself to avoid that.)

It's so frustrating, because it might be appropriate if someone does have heat stroke, but my skin does this after 2-3 minutes in heat. I have had people take me by shoulders and push/pull me out of the sauna once and hot tub once. It greatly bothers me that people forcefully 'guide' me like that.

I explicitly tell them that I don't feel sick, I am not dizzy, I know what heat stroke feels like and this isn't it, that this is just what my skin does. I pinch my skin so that they see touch also makes it turn colour rapidly. Even when people don't 'guide' me out, I am inundated with constant concerned comments until I leave. If there are other patrons that can see me, 30 seconds cannot pass without someone urging me to leave.

The last time I went into a sauna (it makes me less red than hot tub so I thought it would be less chance of trouble) I did go to the lifeguards after a large patron firmly escorted me out, but he said that I looked like I was in there for too long and good for the guy, and not to go back in for awhile. I haven't attempted to go into one since.

I'm sure there will be some people who will say just to not go into saunas or hot tubs because I have unusual skin, but a lifetime ban on heat because of my skin tone seems really fucked up. Especially since I have chronic pain and the heat helps massively, hot tubs for pain were suggested by my pain clinic- but I've been avoiding it for years now.

It's not just pools either, the unrelenting concern that turns into harassment is also a problem I deal with in hot weather as my skin also fluoresces when it's hot out. So even if the lifeguards had been amenable to helping me, which they weren't, I get this alienating reaction out and about, so any actionable suggestions would be very gratefully received.

It's so frustrating that their intentions are great, but I still cannot stand being manhandled that way or being unable to ease my pain in a hot tub because of my colouration.

Any ideas on how to address this? Possibly how to help people to understand that it is my natural skin instead of a sign of immediate medical distress? Or to understand what they are doing in a larger sense, freaking out over someones skin colour? This isn't even close to comparable to the institutionalized judgements on race and colouration PoC deal with, but this small taste of pathologizing a skin tone is still quite unpleasant.

I recently made a Tumblr to write about my experiences with kids, cooking, and crafts, and started my first post with a story about the (probably) worst thing I've ever done to a kid. It relates to gender and masculinity and I wanted to ask how 'bad' this story is, in the sense of how terrible the situation is.

Rather than post my tumblr I'll paste the post here and add a TL;DR at the end.

This was about a decade ago. I was working at a private daycare. It was small and while the kindergarteners would come in in the afternoon we had the babies and younger kids all day. One day we took them to a fall holiday event so that they’d have something fun to do other than the usual. As any of you who have interacted with small children may know, getting clothes on kids is a pretty routine thing. Even though they come to daycare fully clothed we still have to deal with jackets, broken shirts, tying shoes, diapers, fastening buttons and so on. While the ride over was toasty in the van, as soon as the kids were out we got jackets on them. While tying one little boy’s shoes he was struggling to get his jacket on and asked me for help. And here is where the ‘worst thing’ happened.

The boy, lets call him Billy, was the oldest one there but still pre-kindergarten. This is a fairly clumsy age where I spent an unreasonable amount of time catching kids before they hit their head on the floor. They don’t walk right, they can’t draw a straight line, you know, regular kids stuff. But I felt that this was a point in time where he was coordinated enough to put on his own jacket. There was no way he was going to be able to zip it up since it was pretty bulky but putting his arms through the sleeves became a line for me because I knew he could do it himself. And now he was asking me for help. So I told Billy “You don’t need help putting your own jacket on. C’mon, be a man.” Billy replied, “But I’m not a man, I’m a little boy.” Of course this is kid speak for trying to get out of doing something himself, something kids do a LOT. Someone more accommodating or nurturing would have helped him put on his jacket or at least guided and instructed him on it. But as caring and nurturing as I can be growth was more important to me. I had spent about a year with Billy so far, getting him to read better than his older brother to prep him for kindergarten, teaching him how to pee, helping him figure out how to be more coordinated, getting him to eat vegetables. I felt that at this point I knew whether or not he could put on a stupid jacket. So I tell him, “Well you’re going to grow up to be a man and I don’t want you to be a man that can’t put on his jacket.” Well he couldn’t argue with that adult logic so he tried again, and tried some more and yes, 15 seconds later he had his jacket on. I praised him for being a big boy and he didn’t need help with his jacket again the time I was there.

So what was so bad about that?

Well I just introduced Billy to the wonderful world of gender-based guilt trips. In that exchange I taught him a few things. First that “Being a man” was a goal for him. Now in this context ‘Being a man’ means whether or not he can put a jacket on, but as he goes forth in the world the man goal is going to have so many connotations that are positive and negative but also can be used to manipulate him into different kinds of behavior. Heck, I used it to manipulate him into being able to put his own jacket on, so what’s to say he won’t be manipulated into thinking that he has to be a stereotype of a man. I also gendered a goal for him which kind of implies that being unmanly is undesirable.

But is that really that bad?

I think so. Mostly because its happened all my life and I didn’t like it. At some point I learned what ‘A MAN’ was and anything deviating from it made me less of a person. I didn’t want to start him down that road of either being a dudebro or feel wildly insecure (I grew up becoming one, then the other before I was fully comfortable with myself) so since then I was really careful not to do that again. But the funniest part is that its praised. I was quickly aware that I gender baited a kid but there’s some greater context here. First of all I was probably one of the few adult male presences in this kid’s life. He was the second child of a single mother and I was the only male working at the day care so this is a huge deal. Also Billy and I are Black, a fact that has its own truckload of masculinity issues. Teaching Billy to ‘Be a man’ is one of the single most desired things to do in this situation. My mother is still trying to get me into teaching specifically because I’m black and male. I expressed that I probably shouldn’t have done that, and was met with praise for doing it. Even better was that there were tangible results. When I first met Billy he was passive and a bit of a crybaby. By the time I left he was more assertive, independent, skilled and stopped being picked on by his older brother.

What about the girls?

I have to note that since this happened I just kind of turned off from gender baiting but I didn’t lose interest in encouraging the kids to grow and that does include the girls. I just had to change up my vocabulary to ‘strong’ or ‘big’ instead of ‘A MAN’. But to be honest, I didn’t need to for the girls. Most of the kids were boys (mostly with single black mothers…) and most of the girls were in kindergarten so I spent less time with them and they were WAY more assertive and independent than the boys. The one girl that was in the same age range as most of the boys I was actually discouraged from ‘weening’ her from being babied. But that’s another story for another post.

TL;DR: I told a boy to be a man, and I fear I jump started him into a world of toxic masculinity.