Ok so my husband and me generally are content and do everything for eachother Alhamduillah. .for context I moved overseas after marriage, I was in EU and now US. Honestly I left everything everybody and my well paying job to be with him. We are currently having some house purchase related expenses so we are managing. I come from a well settled family so I'd say I was brought up spoilt. Post marriage I keep within our means....today I went for a facial after months when my husband himself told me to. I told him know cuz I knew it would come about 100 dollars or so, but he happily pushed me to get one. Post facial he came to pick me and I told him him it came to 70 something dollars with an offer happily in fact, and he goes haha next time I'll do it for you in good spirits. So I joked along but he mentioned it again adding along how we could have saved this for our house purchase. Then I was annoyed not too seriously though and mentioned not to be so calculative. This triggered him so badly he yelled and told him how I disrespect him and that he's not spending for himself but for us. I tried to calm him down but he didn't want to listen and told me to go home to my parents where I can live a luxurious life as he can apparently send me more money as where we live living expense is also way cheaper. He knows really well that I have mentioned I don't feel homely at home. Talking like this makes me homeless. I don't earn as much as him but average here as the job market is trash and I had to get whatever I could. I don't spend a penny of that on myself and give the entire thing to him for our future house (note he didn't ask for it and he provided well for me prior to fjndinf work so I'm not blaming him). He told me hl boon tickets for me to go home, and I said sure. We haven't spoken since and I don't feel like I trust him anymore tbh. I know he probably didn't mean it but I really wish I had my own home in my name alone. I feel so small and worthless . Please advise. I can't help but feel is this what I get leaving everything. How is this something I can forget.

Salam everyone, I’m 26 F and my husband is 26 M. I’m seeking some advice as to what I should do, should I divorce my husband or try to seek out some counsel and try to make our relationship work?

Quick recap of our marriage. Pre-marriage: We got married at 23 after dating for a year. After a year of dating he gave me an ultimatum that we either get married or he’ll never talk to me again. Obviously we got married.

Year one & two: Parent gets a terminal illness with about a year to live, they die Allahyarhamo. Obviously grief changes people however as the eldest child I didn’t have time to grieve. I didn’t even cry/react when said parent passed in the hospital, I just supported my living parent (who’s also disabled) who was in hysterics and my husband who started screaming/crying when my parent was passing.
That’s just how I am. Whenever there’s some sort of chaos, I just switch into becoming to be the most calmest person in the room and I try to lead with logical action. Perhaps it’s a survival mechanism from childhood. But while everyone was freaking out I was discussing the next steps with the healthcare staff all while my parent was dying. I’m kinda ticked off that my husband did not support me nor did he notice I was not crying. (I kept this resentment for a long time, and I recently told him of this and he did nothing about it… well he did buy me supermarket flowers the next day and called it “just because he loves me flowers”… yea...) So 5 months after parent’s death I become pregnant. Showed my husband the pregnancy test and he turns white as a ghost and screams, “sh—t!” To this day, I don’t know why he said that, but that hurt because having children is what people do in a. Plus I have a condition that impacts fertility and it’s our first pregnancy so I thought he would be ecstatic! I SO was wrong. He convinced me I was too depressed to have a child, especially since it’s so close to the death of my parent, the child would suffer and the pregnancy wouldn’t be healthy for me and he convinced me to get an abortion.

I regret this decision immensely, everyday. My heart literally feels like it’s on fire thinking and typing about this. I still can’t believe I let a man convince me to make such a stupid decision like this. I need Allah forgive me because I can’t.

We never talk about it… and no one knows about it. It quite isolating and shameful. He only brought it up once when we went on a trip and he Freudian slipped and said, “If we had a baby, nooo [destination]” then he laughed. I never felt so sick and disgusted with a person until he said that unknowingly.

Year three/ throughout the marriage: I’m eldest so I’m put in the position to support my living parent and my 5 younger siblings. Alhumdulilah. My husband and I live about an hour away from my childhood home. So whenever my family needs help, doctor’s appointments, parent-teacher interviews, school events, or any of my siblings extracurricular activities - I tend to stay there for about a week instead of commuting back and forth. At first my husband was understanding, and he seemed fine with my week long “trips” at my parents home however, nowadays he gets visibly upset and frequently says, “you don’t even live here.” or “We don’t seem like a couple, we’re just roommates.”

Sometimes in a month I’ll be at my parents home for 7-10 days at a time, and some months I try to delegate some responsibilities to the older siblings. This allows me to not commute/ see my family for about my family for 1-2 months.

Anyways, as for my deliemma. I think the emotional turmoil and stresses from these experiences have caught up to me. These past three years, I have bottled everything Ihave been feeling in order to survive. Attending to the needs of my home (doing all the cooking and majority of the cleaning… he does dishes); caring and supporting my family; and working and going to school. I was living life on go-mode.

I don’t know what happened but I have become keen to my husbands lack of care I started to become emotionally distant. He has noticed, and during these past two months he asks me questions like, “have you checked out of this marriage? why don’t you cook anymore?” Or he straight up ignores my existence in the home.

Oh yea did I forget to mention he got a $1200 cat? Which he dotes on and cares for? He even carries it outside like a child? So clearly he has the capacity to love and care. Idk I feel like he’s unknowingly mocking me and rubbing it in my face.

I just don’t know how to approach him to let him know that he hurt me so deeply, and although it happened some time ago I just don’t understand how someone who’s supposed to love you and be your life partner could do something like this?

I just feel like I’m at a crossroads. I know I deserve someone who sees me and genuinely loves me. I deserve someone who wouldn’t subject me to something so vile in the lowest point in my life and take me even lower. On the other hand, I also know people make mistakes… but I also can’t stand his lack of accountability and his avoidance of any vulnerable emotions…

Please help

If a woman's family has a proposal (most likely almost not 100% confirmed), and a second suitor proposes the woman directly

In first one the woman has no knowledge of the proposal (most likely I tried confirming it but didn't tell her to avoid any issues with her family i.e there was a reason she wasn't told yet)

The second one approaches her directly such that with the intention of marriage. Yes, they sort of went a bit crossing boundaries on chats and calls but for the past few months, they don't talk every time and had only 2 calls to avoid obsession. In short she has considered the second one but neither of the parents knows and the second one is trying to arrange a proposal

The second one btw have known each other so do the families but it is unknown if either family may have objection due to our South Asian caste system

So is it appropriate for the second suitor to propose to her according to the hadith

No man should propose marriage when his brother has already proposed, unless the latter gives up the idea or gives him permission to propose.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (4848) and Muslim (1412)

Context: I have been talking to my now wife for two years and we got married a year ago. I am currently staying in her familys house and being assisted financially by her father as i cannot work since it is not even my country. After a few months i should be able to go back to my country with my wife then no issues.

Issue: She is being influenced by her family and cares more about how they perceive things and what they say rather than what i advise and tell her to do.

Question: How should i handle this? Should i put my foot down and fight, or push through with much patience until we can go back to my country?

Hi all, so this it quite a long story but I'll shorten it as much as I can. I would appreciate input and opinions thank you.

Please no judgment, we are not perfect & I know I did wrong. But I continue to make sincere toubah and repent for my actions. I ask Allah (swt) to forgive us and make it easy for us all Bi IthniLLAH.

I, 25+1 F have known & guy who is 26+1. (Sorry had to do it like this for the post) I've known him for a while as we both knew each other through mutuals but we never spoke. We started speaking about 4 years ago on and off. I never told my parents as my intention from the start was to never fall in love with him as I only saw him as a friend. We really fell for each other and we want to make it halal. He is a revert but not the same background/ethnicity as me. I am Middle-Eastern and he is African. However, this guy has had a past. (None of that Haram stuff zina etc) but a criminal history past - and also the crimes are not crazy unforgivable crimes, they were minor petty stuff. He was very young when those events happened and he has moved on and repented. However he has been a victim of shooting but he has healed Alhamdulilah and wants to move forward and not go back to his miserable past. And he believes that marriage will complete half his deen & also will help him continue to move on from his past.

I told my father about him about a year ago and he went crazy because the guy is 'black' wallahi they used that word 'BLACK' "YOU WANT A BLACK MAN". AstaghfirAllah. Both my parents started screaming and weeping, and worrying what the people and community will say. "Our daughter married a black man". AstaghfirAllah. Racism is a curse.

A few months ago, my father kind of came around and the guy called and met with my father. But my father denied him because of his past and what he's been through. Are those legitimate & Islamic reasons to deny someone of marrying their child?

Simultaneously, there is another guy (he’s six years older than me) who has proposed to me through my father and my father wants me to accept him instead. I believe my fathers plan is to pressure me to say yes to this new guy so that I can move on and stop loving the first guy. I decided to give it a shot hoping something with click or a "spark" would ignite (as they say) but we are different people. We are not compatible, we don't share similar interests and I also am not attracted to him.

My parents keep saying I should listen to them and say YES to the guy that they want. And if I don't agree with the engagement, I would be going against Allah & the Prophet's (pbuh) teaching as they constantly remind me "deen and character". My parents have been emotionally blackmailing me and pressuring me to marry this guy. They use their status as a parent to get what they want and say that I should 'worship' them next to Allah (ASTAGHFIRALLAH). They constantly reference Quran (17:23). I keep saying no to the proposal but they consult the guy and his family without my knowledge saying that I am interested when in fact I am not. My parents keep saying I should obey them and that they should be making this decision for me and that there is no chance of marriage for the guy I want. They said that the guy I want may not have the same family dynamic as us, his family are not Muslim, his past is bad and will creep up. etc. My parents are emotionally, mentally and psychologically abusing me. My father becomes physically violent with whatever is in close proximity of him and whacks or kicks it when I tell him no to the proposal.

My whole family is against me, my cousins, brothers, sisters, aunties and uncles are telling me to give the engagement a shot and trust that Allah will make it work. They always reference Quran (30:21). But everyone that I have spoken to who's married has said that "you will know when it's the right person". And this doesn't feel right. And I feel so guilty and bad for also wasting the guys time as he must think that I am interested in him. LA HAWLA WALA QUWATA ILLA BILLAH.

Yes I understand that deen and character is the requisite but the guy that I am interested in also has deen & character. I believe it is only because of his past and experiences in life. And I highly believe that racism plays a role too!!!!

Things have gotten so bad as I keep telling my parents no to this proposal and forced engagement/marriage. They have prevented me from seeing my family, friends, I can't go to the gym anymore, I can't go shopping, grocery runs, and they are forcing me give notice to work so that I quit my full-time job (WHICH WAS VERY HARD TO GET!!!!!!!!!). And after I “supposedly quit” they want to take my phone. Either I sit at home 24/7 or marry the guy THEY want. I don't want this.

This is causing me so much anxiety, stress and worry. I fear I am wasting my time because of my age.

I would appreciate if anyone can offer words of encouragement and opinions on whether a persons past and being a victim is a reason to deny someone? It doesn't sound right because then it means that all men with bad experiences and pasts don't deserve to get married. AstaghfirAllah.

Jzk.

I am 31 year old guy. For the last 8 years, I have been suffering from severe depression, anxiety, and ADHD. Meds, therapy nothing works. I feel lonely as hell. I never had a job or anything. I don't know when I will get a job or fall in love or marry. I thank God still, but I am breaking, feeling to quit.

Salam All,

I have been married for a few months now and I have been living with my husband for about a month. I left my job and state to be with him.

I have been unhappy since we’ve moved in together. He treats me more like a friend than a wife. He pays the mortgage since it is his house and most of the bills while I pay the groceries and anything I want. He does rub this in my face saying he is paying for everything and if we go out somewhere he tells me he’s spending too much money.

He never gave me my mahr and we haven’t done anything to celebrate our marriage despite my request that we do something together.

My birthday was a month ago and I was so excited to spend my first birthday married with him. It was a disaster. He acted like it was a regular day and Zelled me $200 saying happy birthday. I had said months prior to my birthday that I wanted us to do something romantic and special to celebrate. I was so sad.

I ended up going out with him that night for a walk and he wanted to watch people dancing (mostly women) it upset me because on top of not doing anything for my birthday he wanted to watch other women dancing. I am not the jealous type and I let him do whatever he wants but I was just so angry. I walked in front of him and he got mad and took me home saying “I belong in the kitchen” and that “who was I that he had to do something for my birthday”

We got into an argument and he said I shouldn’t let people in public know that we are arguing and I said I didn’t do anything, I just walked further ahead so we wouldn’t fight with each other. We fought but eventually made up.

Over the past few weeks since, I’ve been doing my makeup as I have been feeling insecure about my looks and he never compliments me. In fact, he never says anything nice about my looks. However, when he sees girls online in pictures or videos he usually mentions how beautiful they are or says something about how they look.

This started to irritate me and make me feel less and that I wasn’t enough for him. I’ve always been a bit insecure about my looks as I have been bullied in the past. I expressed to him that I would like compliments every now and then and some romantic gestures. He accused me saying I only pay attention to the negative things he does and I don’t look at how good he treats me because he pays his mortgage and goes on walks with me in the afternoon.

Today, we were going to the gym together and he told me on the way there that there was a girl at the gym he sometimes talks to and if she’s there not to act “weird” I said that’s fine (he has really had jealousy issues - if I even look up when we’re out he accuses me of looking for male attention) he went on to say that girls are different than guys and they can have an innocent talk with a guy but I can’t talk to a guy because his intention towards me would be trying to get me to cheat. He then said I was so insecure that if he put me in a room with ten men and they said oh wow you’re beautiful then I would end up giggling and wanting to cheat. He said really nasty things to me and I just blew up. I am not a bad woman and I have so much self-respect. I don’t need attention from random men and he thinks that because I take care of myself I am always looking for attention to feel beautiful. I said I only feel insecure because my husband who just married me spends hours on his phone scrolling and looking at other women. If I were to do that, he would divorce me right then and there. He said that I can’t compare myself to him because he’s a man.

I was speaking very aggressively to him because I felt so wronged. I married this man when I was PURE and I never have been the type to do anything haram like that. It breaks my heart that my own husband has the audacity to disrespect in such a degrading way.

We got to the gym and I was speaking to him aggressively and a man was walking out and he said oh looks like someone’s having a bad day. My husband freaked out on me and started cursing me and my family and made me go back to the car and took me home. He said he was going to punish me for making it known that we were arguing in public. While driving home, he said he hates how he can’t even say another girl is pretty in a picture because i get upset. I lost it again. I said I know other women are beautiful, but what hurts is that you claim you’re not romantic and can’t compliment but you do freely about people who are not me which is disheartening. We got home and he said he was going to punish me by leaving me at home since I spoke aggressively in public to him and he doesn’t care if he loses me over it. He left me at home and when he got back he just started watching videos alone.

I am thinking about packing up and leaving. Life with him has been like living with a roommate who controls and dictates me while belittling me any chance he gets. All I ever wanted was a husband who actually loves and respects me!

I want to let everyone know that I let this man do whatever he wants. I don’t know his phone password, but he knows mine. He goes out until 2 AM on Fridays and leaves me alone. I respect him and do whatever he says. We have good days, but the fact that he’s downstairs laughing after hurting my feelings and saying what he said about me and thinking it’s okay to punish me like I’m his child is too much!

Please any advice would be appreciated! He tells me if a man is romantic, he is lying and he will end up cheating and they will divorce. I do not know what to believe anymore.

May Allah bless you all.

advice on what i should do?

i don’t know what to do. each time if i am upset about something my husband gets mad at me and says he just got off work and to not cry infront of him. i am upset because i went to have another baby. he wants to wait and we have a 2 year old. everyone around us is literally pregnant and i get upset but happy for all of them. it makes me upset because i want to grow my family but my husband gets mad at me for crying

My husband has gained a lot of weight since we got married, I have no idea how much since he never checks his weight but recently he went to the doctor and his bloodwork results came back and he has a ton of issues, high cholesterol, high triglycerides, etc. and his doctor recommended he lose weight since he's medically obese.

His mom freaked out after hearing this and asked him what he was eating and he said he eats mostly what I cook for him so she started accusing me of ruining his health. The thing is my husband is picky and likes to have lots of variety in his food, he hates vegetables, loves sweets, and often gets fast food too. He prefers all his food deep fried or drenched in unhealthy sauce. I don't think he's eaten a salad once since we've been married. He also snacks a LOT, especially when he's watching his favorite shows or playing video games, and his favorite snack is sugary cereal which he has multiple boxes of. I've tried to make him eat healthy but he just avoids all the healthy food and buys his own junk food to eat.

His mom started saying that I was sabotaging his health and since I'm not overweight like him I must be keeping the good healthy food for myself and feeding him only cheap junk. I tried to explain my side but my husband took his mom's side and said a good wife should cook healthy food even if it's not as easy or convenient to make, and that in the past housewives would cook all their food from scratch without all the additives and preservatives which is why men back then were slimmer.

I didn't know what to say since my MIL thinks her son is perfect and always right so won't consider my perspective at all. I ended up apologizing and saying I'd do better just to get out of the conversation. I started cooking healthy foods at home but my husband keeps complaining that it's all boring and doesn't taste as good (for context, dinner tonight was lemon garlic salmon with grilled asparagus and dessert was strawberry banana "nice cream"). He told me I should be more creative and come up with better healthy dishes. I'm at my wit's end here, any advice? If you have tasty and healthy recipe recommendations that'd be appreciated as well

Salaam, I'm a 24F who's been married for a year to my 26 husband. We met through mutual friends and we really liked each other so we got married, but our marriage has had issues so far.

When people look at my husband, i always feel that they sometimes judge my decision. Even my parents couldn't understand at first. My husband is very cocky, his hair is kind of unkept, which i find cute, and he can be pretty straightforward with what he says. He earns well and has multiple incomes and physically he's in great shape. He's everything I wanted in a guy (6 foot, good face, and confident) but he just lacks understanding sometimes.

Recently, I've put on weight due to a health condition so I've been feeling really ugly and my husband didn't really do much to make me feel better, he just kind of said ("oh you'll lose it, don't worry"). I got really upset one day and started crying about it because one of his relatives poked fun at me for it at a gathering. He saw me crying on the bed, held me, and started kissing my tears away. Then he decided to call his aunt up and called her out for what she said.

Another time, I was feeling really depressed because one of my friend's was seriously ill in the hospital. I didn't feel like doing anything and didn't leave the bedroom for a couple days. He didn't notice it at first, but when he did, he told me that he would bathe me and that it would help me feel better. I was a bit nervous at first but it was so cute and intimate.

Even though I appreciate what he does, I'm just confused on why it takes long for him to comfort me. He can be very tender and sweet but I only see this side of him during intimacy or when i'm crying. Is this behaviour toxic? He's never once abused me verbally or physically in our relationship, so i feel like i shouldnt be complaining. Maybe i'm making a big deal over nothing

Salaam everyone. I had a previous issue about who to marry. I found a potential earlier this year and told my brother as he is very understanding and not judgemental. I told him as i knew he would be level headed and not worry about what other people think, something my parents cannot help.

Fast forward a few months and i really get along with this guy. Obviously ticks all my boxes. I would like to mention he is 28 and i am 23. My parents specifically my father, want me to marry someone of their own choosing, which i’m ngl i always thought i could get around because my middle sister got away with this. My elder two siblings got married to relatives (arranged) but as my father didn’t choose them / from his side of the family he wasn’t entirely happy. I would also like to add, my parents care heavily about caste. Don’t ask why. We are pakistani and i don’t even understand it. Yes i know there is no place in Islam for this but they are so culturally led it’s frustrating. again, whilst my middle sister didn’t marry in the same caste or in the family / and it wasn’t arranged, i thought that we would be fine going forward but i’ve been hearing my dad say otherwise recently.

He makes remarks to my mum about how nothing goes his way, how if we listened to him our life would be much easier, you get the point. I would like to add although i am making my dad sound controlling, he is not. I am allowed to do as i please like go out, see friends, dress as i please (this doesn’t mean i dress immodest just that he doesn’t feel the need to comment on what i do) He doesn’t restrict me in anyway - i promise. However, about a month ago i got a rishta from an uncles son. Not first cousin or anything just someone in the family and my dad didn’t speak to me about it. In fact he hasn’t since he got the call. Instead he has spoken to my mum and older sister asking them to ask me if i’m interested. I said no as i wasn’t really interested and i thought that would be reason enough.

Yesterday night, my dad came home and was speaking to my sister and mum. He was asking ‘what the situation is’ and what to tell this uncle. And when my mum told him for the 2nd or 3rd time, i had said no, he started to express with intense emotion that I was 100% speaking to someone else and that they should find out now. In fact, my dad said to my mum the previous week, ‘if she is talking to someone else find out now i don’t want to know last minute’. He was anxious / angry which threw me off. His conversation the previous night really did scare me / baffle me as i never would’ve ever thought his reaction would be like this. I knew he wouldn’t be onboard at the start but i thought he would come around / be understanding at the end of the day.

Anyways I really wanted to tell my dad about this potential soon. However this has caused some problems as i don’t want to upset anyone. I want to meet this uncles son as i believe it will make my dad happy and that if anything, in the future, he can’t use the fact i didn’t meet this boy against me. Can someone please help / give ideas on how / what i can say to make it lessen the blow when i tell them? Has anyone been through something similar? They make it so difficult to talk to them it’s honestly so annoying. Honestly my plan was for my brother to tell them but my parents make things to difficult bringing in caste and extended family etc…

i do want to add this potential i am talking to is the same caste as me which may make things easier.

Also I know i mentioned in the tag they are strict but idk what else to say. Whilst they’re not necessarily strict in terms of what I do, i feel like this is the one way they want to control me and choose. If i don’t listen they will be angry and upset with me. I believe even maybe my eldest sister will be too.

TLDR; I cringe and shut down talks of introductions and proposals as soon as they pop up because I'm scared of someone marrying me as a compromise. Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone gone through with an arranged marriage and did it turn out okay? Or if have you had the same fear of just starting the search and how did you get over it?

Assalamualaikum

I'm 27F and I'm realizing that I'm terribly afraid of having an arranged marriage.

Like in my head I know that it's just me being introduced to someone and getting to know them and I 100% know that no one is going to force me, but I'm scared of it.

Like whenever my parents tell me of a proposal I cringe and try to shut down the talk as soon as I can. Its proposals coming from those match making aunts and uncles, or sometimes the parents.

Most of the time is someone not in my area so I tell my parents they live too far I want to stay close to them, and that seems to be enough to shut the talk down. But the proposal that sent me into a panic today was of a guy that doesn't mind moving. Nothing has been said yet I was just in the room when my dad was asking some information from the lady that called, and after the call I shut it down quickly.

I thought I was ready for marriage a couple of years ago and was going to try telling my dad to go ahead and set up some meetings then, but I ended up meeting and liking someone at work. We tried doing everything correctly and met parents and stuff but it eventually didn't work out, and it turned pretty toxic.

That has affected me to some degree, but the worst part is that it has consolidated some pretty terrible beliefs in my head, such as, I'm never going to find someone who actually likes me or loves me but rather puts up or compromises to be with me because I'm "nice", I don't ask for much and don't argue much, i.e. a doormat.

I just can't imagine eventually agreeing to marry someone whom I will never know if they actually like me.

Also the fact that their personality can be completely different after marriage is also terrifying. Most people I know who are/have been in abusive relationships had arranged marriages.

I'm mean in my brain I know that I can never really know a person outside of marriage, and I have rationalized the whole arranged marriage thing in my head but my heart just can't go along with it, the fear is still there.

I'm probably overthinking the whole thing but I was wondering if anyone has any advice? or if they went through with an arranged marriage and if it turned out okay? Or if they had the same fear of just starting the search and how they got over it?

One piece of advice (when asked for) that I give before someone gets married “if something bothers you now, it will be 1000x worse when you’re married and living together.”

Ie. The way he treats waiters is rude— then likely he is missing adab or akhlaq in other areas too. Ie. She’s very materialistic and expects extravagant gifts— she’s too focused on the dunyah from this aspect, potentially in other areas too. (These are just examples)

If his family is controlling before you marry him, they will be 1000x worse after.

If her family interferes with your relationship before you’re even married, it will be SO much worse afterwards.

Again, these are just examples. But if anyone tells you “oh you’re just marrying the person. You can even move away from them.” No, you’re not just marrying the person. You’re marrying a man’s obligation from Allah to his parents and siblings “for better or for worse,” and even if he draws boundaries, there is a likelihood there will still be some chaos and drama.

We moved 7000 miles away and ended up coming back to his family.

You marry the person and you marry the family.

If my husband is more religious than me, but is controlling, strict, and narrow minded, is that enough of a reason to get a divorce?

Hey everyone,

I 28M recently got married (Alhamdulillah), and I was the first in my friend group to take that step. Today, I found out that my mom told one of her friends the exact amount of mehr I gave my wife. She mentioned it because the friend’s son is planning to propose and she wanted to know what to expect.

I’m really upset about this because I know it’s going to become a topic of conversation among their circle, and I prefer to keep things low-key. My mom doesn’t see the problem with sharing this info, but I feel like it’s a personal matter that shouldn’t be discussed openly.

I’m struggling to calm down about it. Has anyone else dealt with something similar? How did you handle it? Any advice would be appreciated.

As Salam Alaikum. In the context of Muslim marriage, what does it mean to get engaged? Is it expected to exchange rings? What is the involvement of family?

Or the concept of engagement doesn’t really apply to Muslim marriage?

JazakAllah Khair.

hello, I'm a Pakistani 23F and im married with a 25M,, we were married for 2 years when I was 21, and I was really happy with my husband. I found out a bit after my nikkah that his girlfriend he had before me was texting him romantic messages.

I almost broke my marriage there but I decided to forgive and keep going, but I got paranoid and upset,, this in turn made my husband feel that im controlling and he didn't want to be bothered by my emotions,, even when i asked about that girl who almost broke our marriage.

We've had quite a few arguments, and i changed a lot of myself for him, but i don't see much change in him, or rather, it's very slow. He's not intimate with me, he doesn't talk with me very much, or sit close to me, I don't feel like im loved at all. Even though I've told him that I love being close to him and spending time with him. It just hurts and makes me feel sad.

Sometimes he will get angry when I envy other relationships, I know I shouldn't compare but I just wonder what I did to not deserve to be talked to or spent time with. 2 months ago, my husband also confessed about dating that girlfriend for 8 years and wanting to marry her, but his family said to marry me and that im the better choice. It hurt so bad but I pretended to be understanding of it all, I know he would be upset if I said the same thing but I put every potential aside just for him.

Now im with my husband and it just feels like we're roommates, I don't know if I can live this life for longer, even though he's not hurting me or being explicitly negative in any way,, he lets me do whatever I want, he just doesn't want to be bothered or come to me,, even when I ask if anything's wrong or he looks upset,, he always says it's nothing. I'm wondering if I should separate now,, because I feel so bothered that im so young and i have to fix someone that I've been trying to fix for more than a year now,, i know its not my job but even if i try to ignore through the lack of talking, time spent together, or love, it just hurts,, yes he takes me out places occasionally,, but even then we don’t talk,, or he’s just on the phone all day.

I don’t know the contact of a sheikh :( I’ve tried shaykh AI but it’s only 2 messages per account. I know im young and possibly immature dealing with this, but that’s why I need help,, my parents are on board if I leave, they’re just afraid of the outside world, and they don’t want me to regret what I’m doing. My dad especially feels that my husband is good because he lets me do whatever I want, which is good but, what about my other needs? Is it fair of my husband to say “I’ll do it whenever I want” or always say “if you wanna hug me then you come to me”

My ex husband divorced me after a month, as his mother did not want me due to my skin colour and height. She saw me previously but changed her mind once I was in their house. When I left, he told his mother every detail about me which she has added x3 fictional stories surrounding it and told the community. For instance, she has told the community that I am on anti depressants when the only medication I took was to delay my period (as I wore a cream dress on my nikkah).

This has expanded massively, and have no way to combat it as my community will gleefully spread rumours about a girl even when they know its outrageous. Apparently I jumped up and attacked him like a shark' when really we play fighted dumb muay thai moves we saw on tiktok. So now im being labelled as an abuser.

Although the divorce is done, I know the months pending will be difficult as 'it will come out' and have no idea how to get my side out. Even my family are siding with him. I have no recordings or images to back my proof. He went and took images of the wardrobe to prove that I was 'in a bad state of mind'.

Me F25 Husband M35 got married last year and end of Jan this year we met for the first time. I married a guy from back home so I couldn't really met him before accepting this proposal. Anyway, once we meet we obviously try to consumage this marriage but for me it was extremely painful. Whenever he tried penetration I would be in EXTREME pain. I tried to tell him we should try and have longer foreplay or even buy lube. But he says this is normal, because I am a virgin I should feel this pain and we should just keep trying.

Also we are in a long distance marriage so we haven't tried again since Feb, I keep telling him that I should get this treated as I don't think it's normal. He doesn't want me to get checked by doctors at all. I still had to tell my doctor that I have pain during s*x and indeed when I had to get a transvaginal ultrasound and pap smear recently for other reasons, I still had this pain. Now I am more worried from when I will be meeting him, because I will have to be in so much pain because of him. He only accepted that we either use organic coconut oil (suggested by me) or vaseline (suggested by him).

I actually want to get treated, and even use medical dilators but he hates to idea of me inserting anything on my body. He was soo mad when I told him I was going to get that internal ultrasound, but I had to do it as I have been feeling unwell and doctors need to check my pelvic area.

Should I still do it? Will he feel it I decide to proceed with this treatment?? I think he thinks that my v**a*ina will get loose💀 which or some other strange thought....

Should I add that he is not even understanding my situation, he says that I overreact and there are worse pains in this world, and he experienced worse than this. Pluse he is not even good in terms of intimacy, I don't have experience but certainly whatever he is doing with me is not pleasant. And he doesn't stop with penetration whenever I tell him too, he pushed himself on me multiple times and obviously I couldn't stop him, the last days we tried I just had to "give up" my body so he could try

EDIT: thank you all, I realised so much from just writing my story. I hate that sometimes I am too "clueless " about abuse and end up just taking on everything... I will definitely get treated inshaAllah

Btw I did try to divorce him, I didn't tell my family about this, I told them another reason but they obviously say that I should be patient with him. Also I am not even physically attracted to him, the moment I saw him my heart fell into pieces because I did not like him physically so I think this is another reason why my body refuses to have s*ex with him...

assalamu alaikum,
Im a M24

i require some advice on how i should navigate the following situation.

i am someone that has alhamdulillah never been in a haram relationship. however, i have spoken to women online with the forefront always that it will lead to marriage and that's always communicated. None have come to fruition.

Something i tend to leave out when speaking to someone is information about my family and a little about my past. I come from quite a well off family, not enough that if i did nothing i would be ok, but my family live a comfortable life. my parents and two younger siblings live abroad in the middle east, i lived there for a couple years myself.

now the reason i avoid telling anyone about this is because i hate bragging and also, truthfully, i dont want to attract the kind of person that would value that highly to the point they would disregard me (a gold digger essentially, I couldnt figure out a nice way to say it, sorry). I would want someone that sees that i am practicing and lead a good islamic lifestyle and my job itself is in a good field so, being a provider would not be an issue.

Now coming to the crux of needing advice, there is a F who has requested to speak to me from where F's friend is my friends wife. I know F's younger brother as he is a cousin one of my friends who got married in the summer and we went on holiday together in a big guys group so I know him quite well.

How this came about was i was on holiday in the middle east and F and her family also was. On this holiday, we happened to be on the same flight and i was speaking to F's younger brother and me and their family went to get SIM cards together. Long story short, the father said that I should come out with them one evening. I agreed (mostly just being polite tbh I didn't think they would reach out, them being on a family holiday and i was visiting family myself).

Nonetheless i was reached out to by F's younger brother to spend an evening with them, the women and men were separate, and we were both doing an activity. during this all i was being friendly with F's father and we enganged in normal conversation. Then the women left to have dinner and us men went to have dinner elsewhere where i did feel like i was being interviewed a little bit by F's father. He would now know that my family lived in this country we're holidaying in and I did for a bit too. (this was info F's younger brother knew anyway because my friends like to brag about it to others when i tell them not to.)

After this we went to their apartment where they needed to change due to the heat, now this is where the only interaction came with F, the women had came back to the apartment too and there was just general conversation happening. i tried to lower my gaze as much as i could without coming accross as offensive. nevertheless, i only spoke a single sentence to F during this. I then went home.

The day i come back from the holiday is when F got into contact with her friend to ask about me. F did mention that she knows I'm practicing from her brother and i am her "type". If you're wondering how I know this, F's friend is my friends wife, and he told me about everything he knew.

I have avoided being in contact with F purely because i can't help but think that this is the only person that has seem interested in me and it's the only person that knows the things i don't usually say about myself.

Am i overthinking this and should i give F a chance? from what i know she is also practicing and observes hijab which is big for me, although on the holiday she wasn't wearing it.

You see my dilemma? Jazakallah in advance for all your advice

Salam everyone, I’ve posted on here before about an issue I’ve had with my husband and I’m back again asking for advise.

Here is some context: My Husband is 26, I’m 25, his parents are in their 70s, sisters are in their 40s and late 30s.

My husband and I have been married for about two years. I’m from the US and I’m a citizen but he isn’t a resident here so we got married abroad and I stayed with him for three months in an Arab country. Everything was good there and we never argued, he would even cook for me sometimes despite him working. I returned to the US and it wasn’t long until he managed to come in too cause I applied for a visitation VISA for him.

When he came in, we moved to my parent’s empty apartment and on our first night at the apartment we got into an argument about birth control pills. He didn’t want me to be on BC pills because they cause a lot of issues. I called my parents crying and my parents drove an hour in the middle of the night to me. His parents live closer and were there while he was yelling at me. My parents came and I already calmed down and my mom asked me if I wanted to go home with them but I said no. My mom tells me that was one of my biggest mistakes, that I stayed with him after he did that, and that I should’ve left to my dad’s house to teach him a lesson. It wasn’t long until I got pregnant since we weren’t using any preventatives.

During my pregnancy, our arguments became more and more common and I would call my parents crying and telling them to pick me up but then my husband and I would make up and I’d change my mind about going to my dad’s house. These arguments were about very small things like naming our son (he named our son after his father even though I didn’t want to), groceries etc, and he would cuss me out and say nasty things to me. He would also threaten me with divorce.

During this time, we were living with his parents but towards the end of my pregnancy, they visited our home country for a couple of months. We lived in a 2 bedroom 1 bath with them and each room was very small, mine particularly. I had no space or comfort in that apartment and we began to look for an apartment. We finally moved into a 2 bed 1 bath, whose rooms are smaller than our prev ones but my son now has his own room. I was excited for this new chapter in our lives but it’s been difficult.

He expects me to make him three meals but he doesn’t get groceries for me and I don;t have a car to get them myself. So he commonly asks me to make him things that we don’t have ingredients for then he gets mad when I can’t make them. He also refuses to eat any left overs and that food should be fresh. So I can’t make lunch for my son and I and give him a plate when he comes home, he wants food thats been made recently.

One big problem in our relationship is that he tells his family everything, especially his sisters. He doesn’t allow me to tell my sisters or parents about any of our problems (I only tell them when I call when we’re arguing) but he tells his sisters about everything that happens. He only has 2 sisters in the US and they’re heavily involved in our relationship. When we first got married we had a issue and his older sister (lets call her R) called my mother and argued with her. We got into another argument a couple of months ago and R called my mom again and argued with her. His other sister, G, hasn’t done that but his sisters and mother will talk about me and how I parent my son. When we lived with his parents, his mom would come into my room when I wasn;t home and look through my stuff and makes comments on how I have so much stuff and that I’m making her son broke (she says this behind my back to his sisters). When I go to women only parties with his sisters and mom, he criticizes how I interact with the women there and says that “im too quiet, I don’t socialize and stay with the same girls instead of interacting with other women”. I forgot to mention that his mother is in her 70s, R is in her 40s and G is in her late 30s. I’m 25 so it would make sense for me to interact with women my own age, not with older women who I can’t relate to. I know that his sisters and mother talk about me to him since he has no way of knowing how I am at WOMENS ONLY events.

He also does not provide for me sufficiently. We receive government assistance for food and get some cash. Besides this, I struggle with buying things for my son and for me AND i also give my husband money. However, he makes $5,000 a month and he gives his parents money and sends money back home. But now since his parents are back (my father in law works) he doesn’t need to send money back home. I’ve borrowed money from my sisters multiple times before and paid them back.

HERE IS OUR CURRENT PROBLEM:

His parents came to stay with us for 2 weeks. They stayed with R for a week (she has a house) but decided to still come to us for 2 weeks. My parents were out the country for 2 months so when they came back I went back to our house, cleaned it, made them food and stayed with them fro 2 nights. My husband also drove their luggage home. He tried to make me come home the same night that my dad came back but I told him no. I know he wouldn’t have went home the same night if any of his sisters or parents came back after months.

Because I was at my dad’s, my parent in laws decided to only come once I’m back home. On our first night with them, my husband comes home from work and starts yelling at me for not making dinner. Before this, I already let him know that we have no groceries so I can’t even make dinner for him. Just last week him and I argued for hours about the same topic and my mom was on the line with us trying to calm us down (before this we weren;t speaking to each other for 2 weeks). He yelled at me, said i wasn;t a woman and called me pathetic to his parents.

I argued back and told him that “i’m not his maid” and his parents got mad at me for saying that. My father in law said that he always defends me but he can’t defend me for this because how can I say i;m not his maid + a wife has duties and it’s to serve her husband. His parents also said that I don’t respect them because if I did respect them I wouldn’t have done this in front of them and I told them it’s their son who did this not me.

My husband also told me to leave and I said “ok take me back to my dad’s house” and his parents said that I can’t be running back to my dad every time here is a issue like I’m still a baby being breastfed. I told them that it’s their son that told me to leave, where else am I going to go besides my dad’s? The streets in the middle of the night with my son?

I called my brother in the morning and he came and picked me up and took me to my dad’s. I have a baby monitor in my room and saw my parents in law go into my room while on the phone with R, they started looking through my stuff, talking about how much stuff I have (my parents got me everything I have). MIL told R that she always tells my husband to “be careful from her” and R said to “throw her at her dad’s house and leave her there”. I’ve been at my dad’s for two days and in these two nights my husband saw that I was using our debit card and he transferred all the money in there to R. I had around 400 while he had 1k. I’m also petitioning for a green card for him and we have an email with all the stuff for it. He tried to log into the email and change the password using a laptop that I know belongs to R’s husband but I blocked it and changed the email passwords. I also contacted the immigration lawyer to tell him that we are currently separated and to not share anything with my husband. My mom says that they’re probably panicking now about the immigration stuff because he’s been trying to get into the US for years until I petitioned for him (they deny that i was the reason why he was able to come in). He also removed me from every family gc. His brother’s wife texted me asking if my parents-in-law are still staying with me and why did I leave all the group chats (it says he removed me from the chats). She unsent her messages not too long after. I also got an email from our apartment managment confirming a request to change the locks.

I don’t know what to do now and I’m not sure if I even want to go back to him since him and his family are doing all of this over an argument. Our son is only 8 months old. I’ve been thinking about leaving him for a couple of weeks and this was just the cherry on top. My parents don’t want me to get a divorce and tell me that these are marriage problems that happen between couples and it’s common. Ever since he came to the US and I’ve given birth he’s just been getting worse even though he apologizes.

Edit: I forgot to mention that he would threaten me saying if we ever get divorced he’ll take my son away. Other times he says he’ll never divorce me and will just get married to another woman. He also says that he didn’t pay mehr for me to sit at home all day.

I want a small wedding consisting of immidiate family and first cousins who I am close with. There's one family who I don't want to invite at all, my mums brother and his wife and kids. My mums brother sexually abused my sister, his wife is a spiteful and selfish woman, his children are trouble makers. I don't want them in my life or at my wedding. The wider family don't know what my uncle did to my sister so they think its wrong for me to cut out a whole family of immitiate relatived just because his wife is a snake. From an Islamic perspective, what can/can't I do?

This will be a long post so I apologize in advance. I want to make sure I cover both sides as best as possible and try to not be biased.

I got married 4 years ago alhumdullilah. When I met my wife for the first time, it was with her father. I had met women before on muzmatch but this was the first time I was meeting someone with their father. I actually appreciated the fact that she brought her dad along. I mainly spoke to him and we both enjoyed our conversation. During the conversation I lied, I said I had completed my degree, when I hadn’t yet. I’ve always told every girl previously I spoke to for marriage the truth but I don’t know if it was the nerves, I just said yes. I felt ashamed that I lied to such a wonderful family and for two months I kept trying to figure out how to say it, because I felt extremely embarrassed for lying and it was something I would never expect of myself, especially since ever previous women I would tell them outright. Anyways I told her the following month, a month before our families were to meet. And I told her I understand if she can’t go forward. She told me she was upset and she wouldn’t have judged me but said we will get past it.

The families liked each other and got along and we eventually got married during Covid. Before marrying I always thought my family is good and parents are welcoming, however after getting married she was mistreated by my family. They were mean to her, and as soon as I saw that I told her we are going to be living separately from my family. When my family behaved badly with her I stood up for her and always listened to her and maintained my family was wrong. Never have I justified their behaviour. However, it brought up past trauma for her, as she was previously married and divorced (the guy didn’t look after her at all and expected her parents to always pay for everything and used her to get a visa, once he got that he changed and she sought divorce) I on the other hand was never married and this was the first marriage in my family for a son, so I did not have previous exposure to my family and parents being mean to a new addition into the family otherwise I would have never lived with them in the first place.

After all of this she constantly blamed me for ruining her life, I moved to a different place and found her a nice home, I was paying almost 4K a month for rent and bills. I ordered brand new high end appliances for her because she didn’t like the ones that were there. I bought brand new furniture and bedrooms. I furnished the other bedrooms for guests and her brother who came to stay with us for a few months whom I really adore and have a wonderful relationship with.

Anything she wanted I provided for her, never said no. I would sometimes say we can buy something later but whatever was needed I paid for right then and there. I was spending a fortune to take care and make her happy because I felt bad for how she was treated and I wanted her to be happy. During all this time she kept blaming me and swearing at my parents and sisters, she’s called my family everything under the sun and curses them all the time. Then she’ll hit me and swear at me as well. She slapped me in front of her brother on the face multiple times. And he had to get involved and tell her to stop.

Paying for everything became difficult because the company I was working at wasn’t doing well and my pay started to become late. He was a friend and I tried to be patient but eventually I had to look elsewhere for work. This resulting in me not making enough to support her, and her work told her she would have to come back to her country if she wanted to continue her job. She is well educated and had a good job, although her income was something I never looked at to help provide because as a man it’s my fard to take care of her and provide everything.

So we planned she would go back to her country and I would live here to save up and eventually move to her country, she didn’t want to come back to Canada because of her experience with my family which I don’t blame her for.

Throughout these four years I’ve been constantly blamed for everything, she constantly swears at me, tells me I will never accomplish anything, that I’m a failure and I come from bad blood, and how I am my parents blood and I will always support them. However, I have always maintained that my family was wrong I even confronted them many times to tell them how wrong they were for that. Which she used to say I wouldn’t have the balls to do, because I’m not a man. But when she finds out I did confront them she tells me it doesn’t change anything and how she will always hate them.

On one occasion she started yelling at me because she remembered how my family treated her and started swearing and yelling at me, then when she started to hit me I left the room, she followed me into the other room and continued to hit and swear, I then left that room and went into another room because I was desperate to get away since I was getting angered and didn’t want to respond or do something I would regret. When I came into the third room she followed me into hat bedroom as well and kept hurling abuses and swearing at my parents and slapping me in the face, that was the first and only time I hit her. I slapped her once and I started yelling back and told her to leave me alone. I apologized to her right away and instantly regretted what I did. That was the only time I ever responded to violence with violence back.

I grew up in an abusive household where my dad hit me a lot and I swore to myself I would never raise a hand on my children or women. I am very against hitting children and never have I done that with my nephew and nieces or would do so to my own children even though it’s common in my culture. I understand the impact it has on a child and because of that I’m very against it.

During our time apart I sent her money from my work, I sold my car, I started to take the bus to save money. Everything I was earning I gave to her because we were saving for a house in her country. One day she asked me for money to buy a suit for a wedding and I told her to use the savings because my pay wouldn’t come in for another week. She told me there wasn’t much left in savings. That’s when I found out she had spent the savings because she is a shopaholic. She was buying items everyday because it relieved the stress she was in and her trauma from previous marriage and now this marriage.

She spent over 40k. It was devastating for us and our plans. But I tried to understand her point. She was stressed and she was extremely apologetic. So the damage was done and there was no point to yell at her or put her down. So I told her I understand and came up with a solution to avoid this from happening again.

We still live separately and I visit her as often as possible. She wants to live in a nice place as anyone would. I pay for everything she needs, she did a trip to Singapore and Malaysia with her sisters and also recently did a trip to turkey with them too. I paid for her shares in the trip (tickets, hotels, food and spending money) She doesn’t work cause she can’t manage the stress and says it’s my job to provide anyways. Which she is right in but she never acknowledges anything I do for her. She always maintains I’m a loser and how there is a better man out there for her. She constantly threatens me with divorce and says I’m not a man because I didn’t provide her a home. But she doesn’t understand that she doesn’t help the cause by swearing and constantly belittling me and my family.

I’ve told her she has no obligation to interact with my family Islamically. And so I told her to refrain from speaking to them and distance herself in the hopes she starts to heal. But we constantly speak about what happened 4 years ago which then leads to her swearing and saying really nasty things to me and my family.

I’ve told her family about this and her sisters even spoke to her after they saw the messages that she had sent me, saying how she doesn’t want me to ever gift anything to my nephew and nieces because of the treatment their mothers gave to her. I told her the kids are innocent to which she said she’d divorce me if I did. I’m constantly given these ultimatums and told she find a better man. And how I don’t support her and understand her. But to be honest I don’t know what to do at this point. I work 60-70 hours sometimes more a week. And I’m doing all that to provide a home for her and take care of her as a husband should. But getting hit, belittled and constantly being told she will divorce me always demotivates me and hurts me cause I left feeling what am I doing all this for.

Her sisters getting married soon and she said after her sister is married she wants to end it. But says because of her trauma and hurt I put her through, I should buy her a home pay off her debts (money she spent not me) and then she will leave. I even said I would do that because I would never want to just ditch her and have her fend for herself. I care and love her and wouldn’t want her to go through any difficulties.

Alhumdullilah I have a wonderful relationship with her parents and siblings, I love them and I’m closer to them more than my own family. She thinks that I’m trying to pit them against her because her sisters got angry at her for what she said and has done in the past. Anytime I call her family she thinks I’m trying to manipulate them and be on their good side so they blame her. But I genuinely love them and call them to just say hi.

I don’t know how to fix this and what to do. I am afraid of her ever interacting with my family cause she says how they have really punchable faces and how she will one day punch my parents and siblings in the face. I also don’t want her interacting because I know they trigger her and it’s not helpful in her healing journey.

My friends who’ve known me for a long time know I’m not like what she is claiming and say from uni how I’m well spoken, confident, outgoing and a positive person. But they even confronted me recently because since I’ve got married they’ve noticed I’ve become lacking in confidence and how I’m very quiet. I don’t believe in taking my problems to them. One should always cover for their spouse which I do.

Last thing, again I’m really sorry for how long this is but I just want to paint a fair picture as best as possible.

She suffers from vaginismus, so we haven’t consummated the marriage. It’s not her fault, she is trying really hard to overcome it. And I have always been supportive of her rather than to blame her. I’m patient because I know it’s just a test and try to do whatever I can help her. Which she appreciates, but sometimes she thinks I’m gay cause I’ve stayed in the marriage for 4 years. I’m definitely not gay but I have always believed that one should support their partner, and encourage them and be positive. No point to put someone down or belittle someone. However, my patience and support is at times taken as a weakness and I’m told I’m not a man.

I’m really sorry for this long post. I would really appreciate any advice on how best I can make this work and make her happy. Because at this point it seems all my efforts are not enough.

Assalamualaykum,

Here is our Wednesday iteration of our bi-weekly megathread dedicated to users who would like to share their viewpoints on marital topics.

Please remember that this thread is not a Free Talk Friday thread and comments must be married related. Any non-marriage related comments will be removed.

Users who comment on this thread to bypass posts that are designated as "[BLANK] Users Only" when they do not meet the post flair requirement will be banned without warning.

We strive to make this thread a quality space to open up about their experiences with marriage and the marriage search.

What's on your mind this week?

Does anyone have experience with a Muslim ex-wife (41F) that is living a liberal lifestyle and dating non-Muslims? We have 2 daughters (teenagers). She shares her lifestyle with our kids and tells them everything and brings the guy around them. I complained to her parents and asked that she does not share or expose her behavior to our kids, but she does not care. Advice is appreciated on how I should manage this situation with my kids. We are in the US.

Salam walkeum,

My husband and I have been married for two years, but we still live separately with our parents as we are both in university. I’m a revert, and in this marriage, I feel like I’ve lost myself trying to meet my husband’s expectations. I know writing this I probably sound really delusional or like stupid but I'm telling you it's because being in this marriage, I apologize constantly, even when I don’t see my fault, because he tells me it’s my duty to obey his “orders.” I do my best to fulfill my duties, covering up, cooking for him, and taking care of him, but when I express my feelings or get emotional, he punishes me with neglect, blocking me, or giving me the silent treatment.

A year ago, I discovered that he was talking to other women behind my back, even making a dating app profile. He lied about it but eventually apologized, saying he was angry at me and just wanted to hurt me. I gave him another chance, and things were better for a while. But now, he’s started punishing me again, saying I deserve to be yelled at because I talk about my feelings too much.

Recently, I found out he texted a woman he knew from high school and hid it from me. When I confronted him, he said I deserved it and even threatened to physically cheat. He left me again, saying I need to “fully trust him” or the marriage won’t work. When I asked about his Snapchat, he swore at me and then divorced me.

My heart broke. I think he’s been gaslighting me this whole time, telling me I deserve these punishments so I stayed. But now I’m wondering, if he really wanted to hurt me by texting her, why did he lie and hide it?

Now, I’m questioning whether it was ever my fault. It feels like emotional abuse has stripped me of my boundaries. I’m unsure if this behavior is normal or if he’s just taking out his anger on me. I need advice because I feel lost and don’t know who I am anymore.

Salam, I (23f) have a question for the married people. When did you realise that it was the “right” time (if there is even one) for having children. I have been married for more than a year and everyone around me comments and asks when I am going to have my first child. It’s not that I don’t plan on being a mother but I have realised that it is not something I am looking forward to in the next few months but maybe two years. At the same time I feel really bad for not being more happy about it because children are blessing from Allah. Was anyone in the same situation?

Salam all,

Im a 21F revert married to a 26M born muslim. We have a son together.

I moved to my in laws place after giving birth as my husband and I are waiting for our flat to build, which will be completed in Q3 2029. We are also not to stable financially.

I had some issues with his mother before marriage as she does not like the fact that I am a revert. when i first moved in, there were times when i saw her eating dinner alone so i went to sit with her just to accompany her. But during these times, she told me in great detail about a woman she tried to arrange a marriage for my husband back in her home country. I just listened to her but i felt a little icky when she said “I dont understand why (my son) rejected her. She is pretty and rich.”, she also tells me constantly she wishes her son had married an original muslim (her words). She also complained to my mum about me waking up late (11am) and me not doing enough around the house.

The thing is, i wake up when my son wakes up as his body clock is a bit haywire now. He sleeps at 1/2am on most days and wakes up around 11am. My sleep is also interrupted as I have to feed him at night. During the day, i take care of him entirely by myself as everyone is out working but i try to sweep the house or mop if i have time. most days my first meal is at 3pm and im also underweight (32kg) now.

Even though my MIL is pretty hurtful with her words, i still talk to her politely and respectfully. there has been a few instances where she ignores me as she is unhappy with something i said (e.g once she made egg pudding for my son and i fed it to my son but he had hives after, so i knew he was allergic and let her know. she saw this as disrespect and ignored me for a few days).

what bothers me the most about her is the way she speaks to my husband. she constantly shouts and swears at him, telling him things like she wishes she never gave birth to him, that he is a failure of a son, that he is nothing worth caring for. My husband is usually a very cheerful unbothered guy, but whenever she says stuff like these he breaks down and loses his mind. it is truly very sad to see, and even though i am a relatively new mother, i can never imagine saying these things to my children.

Recently, a recurring issue caused a lot of tension in the house. She does not like us bringing our son to my parents’ place. She says that she does not trust my husband to drive a 20 minute journey to my place but if being honest, going back to my parents place once a week is a major thing that keeps me going. My mom cooks halal food for me, and takes care of my son so i can rest. it is the only day of the week that i get proper rest and time with my parents. I was promised by my in laws that once my son turns 6 months old, I can go back home to visit weekly, but now that he is 10 months old, she still has an issue with it.

Every week, on the morning of the day that i go back, she tries to find an issue with me/my husband in order to stall us, and it always ruins my entire day. She shouts at us, bangs furniture around and shows attitude. 3 weeks ago, she was shouting in her native language about how I never do anything around the house and how i only wake up early to go back to my parents place. This is not true, I wake up whenever my son wakes up, and i do housework. I did not understand what she said but my FIL translated it for me and i have to admit, I lost my temper. I have always been very quiet and docile here but i told my FIL whatever she said isnt true, that i do my part, and that i only get to rest properly once a week. Is that too much to ask?

FIL was of course taken aback but he reassured me that he is on my side, that my MIL just likes to talk but she has “good intentions”. But how can i always take it as good intentions when she is constantly talking down to everyone around her? That day when my husband was driving us back, I cried all the way home bc i felt so defeated and trapped. Like i have been putting up with disrespect for so long. Hubby assured me that when we got our own place, I would not have to deal with this anymore.

That day when we came back, she ignored me. Usually I try to initiate conversations when she ignores me but this time i was done. I did not want to try anymore, so i just stayed out of her way and didnt show my face around her. I stayed in the room all day when she was home. my FIL noticed and told me to just forget her words and actions, and to maintain a good relationship with her as i will have to live with her for the rest of my life. Again, I lost it. Ugly cried in front of husband and FIL, told them everything i was feeling. FIL felt bad so he tried to comfort me but i couldnt stop. Eventually my husband took me out to go eat.

My husband then sat his mom down and tried to reason with her but she was screaming at him the entire time. He explained to her that she cannot control when I get to see my parents. After talking for about an hour he came to our room and told me it was resolved, that she will not find problems with us going back anymore. I thought it was done.

Last saturday, my husband let her know that we were going back to see my parents as usual, and she started finding problems again. But i heard my husband crying so i went out to see what was going on. He was literally on the floor, punching the floor and sobbing while his mother was just staring at him. I tried to get him up but he told me to go back to the room. After she left for work, I asked him what she said that set him off. she told him that he is not worth caring for. Honestly my heart broke and I was so angry, but i didnt express it as i didnt want to upset him further.

Its been 5 days since this happened and she is back to ignoring my husband. She doesnt even look at him or acknowledge his presence. I keep making dua for us to find a suitable living arrangement because I dont want my son to grow up in this type of family dynamic but I am at a loss for what to do. How do we get through to MIL and let her see that it is not okay to talk to people with hurtful words and actions?

thanks in advance if you read this far. if theres anything that needs more info please let me know in the comments.