Rules and regulations

I am a 19f pregnant and have a 15 month old. Zero family, no friends.

Was in foster care and left when I was 16 and straight into my (29m) partners home. He at first made me feel safe but that quickly changed and have been stuck.

He told me a couple days ago that I have to move out, he does not want custody of our child nor the child I am pregnant with now. I literally have never held a job, I do not have a license. I am in an extremely rural area and I am hoping he doesn’t find this post.

He has physically and mentally abused me, overall I feel physically safe from abuse now that I am pregnant again because the last pregnancy it stopped just while pregnant.

When I look back at how we met, I feel as if he knew I was “broken and lost” and he used that to his advantage. Just to be clear there is zero substance abuse, well at least that I know of anyway. He does have other women he sees, I know he has been cheating, but he says it is not my business what he does and he is the man and can do anything he desires. If I question things or ask for things there is a bigger problem.

I asked him to stop screaming at me because he was in my face and it makes my blood pressure rise and it’s not healthy for me or my baby I am carrying.

I am so lost and idk what to do. I cannot have my children living in this situation, he does not abuse my child physically but it is abuse with what she hears when he is yelling at me. I do not yell back, I pretty much shut down because I do not know how to react and that also triggers him to become violent at times.

He wants me out by next weekend, he will force me out. I have my clothing, my hygiene products, my child has her clothes and toys and diapers, wipes formula/food etc. that’s all I have. Everything I own and my daughter owns could fit into 2 duffle bags basically.

Regarding the Mod’s post yesterday: If you can’t “just leave”, please know that there’s a way to stay.

The mod made a great (and very sad) post yesterday about the new reality of domestic violence victims.

The outlook is bleak for victims in the US because of cuts in DV services funding, so telling a victim to call the DV hotline and to “just leave” may become as useful as telling a starving person to stop being poor.

I’m on this sub a lot and one painful aspect of DV for many victims is that they have no choice but to leave. Why? Because when they’re finally ready to end the relationship, they can’t prove the abuse. And in the absence of proof, the police won’t make an arrest, the judge won’t grant a restraining order, and families won’t believe them and won’t take them in.

You don’t have to get to that point. I know how helpless you feel, but you actually do have some power.

You want to stay for now? Great, stay. But staying without documenting the abuse is only hurting you on the long run.

So what can you do?

First of all, after every instance of abuse, text your abuser about it in full sentences. “I’m really disappointed you felt the need to punch me yesterday”. “I know you don’t think it’s a big deal but when you kept pushing me on the bed yesterday it really hurt me”. “I wish you would stop having sex with me while I’m sleeping because I don’t like it”. “When you punch the walls around me like you did this morning you scare me”. “I know you don’t realize it but when you’re drunk you behave violently, last night was really scary”.

You get the idea. You don’t need to use big words like rape and assault, no need to be confrontational, you just have to state facts, and that’s a timestamped proof of a violent incident. Engage in conversations about it. And your abuser may justify, explain, blame you, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that now there’s verifiable proof of violence. NEVER delete a message and always back up to the cloud, or even a usb you can hide.

And if you have anyone you can confide in, text them what is happening. In person conversations are great, but the police don’t always believe people, so have it in writing first, then talk about it if you want.

Also, you know your abuser’s mother/sister/uncle/etc? They don’t believe you and they’ll tell the cops they know nothing about it. At least sabotage that by texting/emailing them at least once about the abuse. This way they can say you’re a liar, but they won’t be able to say they didn’t know about what was going on.

Second thing. Take pictures! Get one of those hidden picture apps (fake calculator, fake camera, etc.) and store pictures there. Take pictures of your injuries, of broken furniture, of punched walls. If you can see it, take a picture of it.

Third important thing. Check if your local laws allow you to secretly record conversations with your abuser. In Canada it’s legal wherever you are. In the US most states allow it, it takes two seconds to google it. If you can, keep an old phone or iPad hidden somewhere, and install an app that records when sound is detected. I had the Sleep Talk app, and it worked great, but there are other apps you can try. Nothing is more efficient than the police hearing your abuser explain how you “made him do it”, and it will really shut down the “she’s crazy/hysterical” narrative.

Getting medical reports is not an issue if you live where free healthcare is available. If you’re injured, go get checked. You’ll be able to use those reports later on. If you’re in the US and you can’t afford visits, look for free clinics around you. Do this now, don’t wait for when you’re injured. Also, don’t forget that in more and more places now you cannot be fired for missing work because you had a DV related doctor’s visit. If you formally inform your employer, they have a duty to assist you. That’s also a HR document you can obtain for the police if need be.

And by the way, no injury is “stupid”. You don’t have to have a black eye. If your abuser twisted your wrists, choked you, slapped you on the side of the head, etc, you should still get checked and get a report.

Fourth thing, call the DV hotline to have an agent assigned to you. They can give you a document when you file a police report that says you’ve been using their services.

And if you don’t want to, but call the DV hotline frequently, print your phone bill and highlight every time you’ve called them. Do this monthly because older bills can’t be accessed after a while.

Same thing for rape. Rape support groups are free, if you tell your story every time it happens, they’ll give you a document when you need it.

Last but not least, your financial situation. The number of victims who come on this sub thinking they can’t end the relationship because they’re poor is maddening. You are not poor. If you’re married, your husband will owe you alimony and child support. If you’re not married they still have to pay child support. If your abuser owns the house, you’re often entitled to equity and a part of their pension.

Even if you’re not married and don’t have kids, you may be able to to sue your abuser for damages related to emotional distress and lost wages, especially if you can provide the proof I listed. There are free clinics and legal resources for DV victims, make use of that.

What is the point of all this?

You don’t know it yet but one day you’re going to be done and will need this person out of your life. If you have proof of violence, the police will arrest them and they will have to leave, which will give you some time to figure out your options. You won’t be homeless, they will.

I did everything I discussed in this post, not because I’m a calculating genius, but because I initially wanted to give proof to a good friend of my ex-husband’s. I was hoping she would talk to him, and didn’t think she would believe me. That didn’t work out, but the texting habit stuck, I ended up taking more pictures, I had to seek medical help a few times and they guided me to the DV support resources.

So when I went to the police I was loaded with proof. He was arrested the same night, ordered out of the house until the divorce was final, and they gave me a restraining order that is still in place. He was charged and forced to take anger management classes. On top of everything he legally owed me, he was ordered to pay a good chunk of my legal fees, I sued him for damages and I got more than I hoped for. I’m still waiting for the trial to happen, but because of the ongoing case he lost his job at some point, lost friends, and lost a fuckton of money on lawyers and alternative accommodations for over a year until I left the house.

I know this was very long, but I hope you’ll follow the advice. You have to take matters into your own hands if you want to see the end of the tunnel. The superhero you’re waiting to save you is inside you, you just have to arm yourself for the future. I spent years stuck in fear and pain and despair, but today, even on my worst days I live in my own house, I live in physical safety, and I don’t feel like my ordeal was swept under the rug.

You can do it too, so see you on the other side ♥️

So if you see my past posts, I’ve been with an abusive cheater.

I just feel like I’m about to lose it. I’ve been trying to hold on and hold out but…I’m drunk at 10 am and had to take the day off.

The building pressure and stress has gotten to me.

I’ve been so stressed, I haven’t slept enough or I’ve tried to sleep an entire day away. I’ve been drinking, smoking, and doing drugs. I say this as someone, who a year ago, was not an alcoholic or avid drug user.

My bf cheated emotionally and when I tried to bring up how I felt, he called me names and degraded me. I was so in denial and “in love” I stayed.

When I got to a breaking point, I pushed him and he choked me.

A week ago, same issue, and he said he wanted to put my head under water and he pulled my ear.

Last week, we had a great talk and I thought we reached progress. Then the other night happened where he got so drunk he fell over and let another woman hit on him.

His grandma died yesterday and i know I could say anything about how I felt because he was so upset and angry, I was afraid he’d lash out.

Now I’m so out of it I just don’t know how to deal.

I’m also bipolar and I feel like I’m spiraling out of control. I’ve isolated myself so much I don’t know who to talk to, so here I am venting.

i’ve been free for almost 10 months. but all this time, i’ve only made dating accounts and deleted them, i can’t seem to even bring myself to respond to most people, let alone hold conversations. I dread the thought of getting to know someone all over again, having to try and figure out if they are a red flag or not so I don’t go through this again. The whole thing just turns me away completely, from even wanting to try to find someone to be in a relationship with.. but im also lonely, and yearning to have someone to spend some adult time with. am i just not ready? will i feel this way forever?

i feel so hopeless when it comes to ever being happy in a relationship.

I have been traying to save up money but has been hard as I have lots of bills like car,student loans, medical bills .I just removed my appendix and had a serious infection now with a drain on ym stomach I won't be able to work for another month or so and is just stressing me out not having much of an option but to endure this living situation. I feel very lonely lately as my family and friends are all in Brazil . I wanted to ask someone to dm me if wanted to be my friend as we go trough this together ❤️..

Hi

I recently left a month ago , couch surfing but we share a son that is 4 years old and there is definitely a plan for him to try to get full custody Soon.

My question is I’ve asked to talk only via email and that I will be blocking him for myself. He has had me unblock him 3x in the last 10 days to talk about visitation “. This isn’t helping me at alll and don’t feel safe even if he isn’t near me. I haven’t been able to figure out Aboyt restraining order yet because be hasn’t come near me and his roommate friends won’t let him now that they live together and he’s gone.

Why can he not talk only via email? Is this a form of control? I’ve asked 3x. He has wanted this breakup mutually as well as he muttered and yelled for months.

TW: suicidal ideation , self harm

So I currently live in a severely abusive household with my family. I am a 22 year old female with disability so I don’t always work. So this house is the only option right now till I find something else. I live in an extremely physically and emotionally abusive household. But especially my mother, she is extremely manipulative. She abuses me, denies, blame shifts, gaslights, and ruins my reputation and play victims. Sometimes I lose it and have a nervous breakdown because of having to deal with her games all the time. Her crazy making is horrible too. And I feel suicidal. And I cannot stop screaming, and sometimes harm myself.

She is extremely twisted. And i take everything she says to the heart and internalize it. She has also been isolating me from my paternal family and neighbors to better control me. And I am neurodivergent and was so unaware of the games she was playing .

I will surely try to move out and take my legal rights using law.

However, for now, how can I control my emotions and soothe myself? How can I cope with this extreme stress of having an abusive manipulative complicated mother (with an abusive flying monkey brother too)?

I’m desperately trying to document the abuse.I’m not taken seriously by the ER. “Just take picture!” I have been told. I HAVEN’T met a doctor. “ come back tomorrow if you want to see a psychiatrist.” I know I had a concussion. And at the end: “ any morbid thoughts?”

Today, I’m supposed to have an appointment with an NGO that the police officer recommended and they just cancel. 2 hours prior to the appointment.
Is it normal? Is it because I’m a man?

I haven’t slept properly, Of course. I decided to go anyway. I’m desperate; I’m afraid I’m my own house. I’ve been waiting for so long and things went physical since I took the appointment.

I’m in the bus. Appointment in 20 minutes. I’m feeling helpless. The weekend is coming and most of the violence happens on Sundays.

Please help me be taken seriously.

PS: sorry if my post is against Abby rules. I didn’t meant to break any. I’m out of time.

He said he cares about me so much but then does these things

I feel like I keep doubting myself and really numb to things and get anxious and find myself overanalyzing things constantly

I went back and feel so stupid

I saw him again; I feel confused. Seeing him again for the first time in a while was bittersweet. Most of the day felt like no time had passed—we were laughing, joking, and just enjoying each other’s company. I miss the good sides of him—he’s witty, funny, and charming. But the toxic side is always there.

As the night went on, he started hinting about how long it had been since he’d had sex, grabbing at me, making comments about how horny he was. I kept redirecting him, saying I was just there to spend time with him. By 11 p.m., I needed to head back—I had driven three hours to see him. But out of nowhere, he told me to drive 30 minutes to a specific street, vaguely saying he needed to use the bathroom. It didn’t make sense—there were plenty of gas stations around—but I assumed he just wanted to drive and listen to music.

When we got there, it turned out to be an empty pickleball court in a quiet neighborhood. He led me to the bathroom, where he immediately started checking himself out in the mirror, flexing. Then he grabbed my boobs over my sweatshirt and said he wanted to see them. A part of me felt nervous—I knew I had walked right back into a situation where he didn’t respect me. Another part of me felt ashamed that I still liked the attention. But emotionally, sex isn’t something I can think about with him. Our history makes it a complete turnoff. He never wears a condom, has cheated, went to jail a few months ago, and wouldn’t be honest or responsible enough to get tested.

I told him no, but he kept pushing, laughing, saying just do it. And I knew that if I kept refusing, he’d get annoyed or angry. So eventually, I gave in. It escalated—he took his pants off while I kept saying we weren’t having sex. He said he knew but just wanted to “nut.” He kept asking me to take my pants off. I refused, but he kept pushing, so I gave in again. Then he sat on the toilet and made me stand in front of him for what felt like 30 minutes, periodically biting and slapping me. I hated it. I kept thinking, How did I end up back here? It felt just like before—like I was nothing, just there to give him what he wanted.

At one point, I tried to stop it, saying it was late and this wasn’t why I came. I called him out for lying—he planned this the whole time. He just looked at me, like he knew I wouldn’t actually leave. Then he pulled me closer, still exposed, still expecting me to give in. I felt trapped. If I refused and walked out, would he get angry? Would he turn on me?

Eventually, he finished, and I just kept saying, What are we doing? This is so stupid. Can we go? I had a four-hour drive ahead of me and didn’t want any of this. He acted surprised, like I was overreacting, then immediately switched back—hugging me, joking like nothing had happened. He apologized, said he didn’t realize I’d be upset, said he really cares about me. But it’s always the same—he frames everything as just having fun, but he never actually listens to me.

At one point, he even put his hand on my neck in a sexual way—laughing, acting cute, like it was nothing.

Original post:

Don’t know where to begin with this situation

I don’t even know where to start with figuring all of this out. I feel like I was just trying to get by for years, and now everything feels so foggy and numb—it’s gross to even write about, and I don’t know how to talk about it.

A few months ago, I ended a relationship that I now think might have been abusive. I’m having a really hard time understanding everything that happened, and part of me feels like I’m overreacting—but at the same time, I feel deeply wronged. I’m so conflicted because I don’t want to ruin his life or make things worse for him. He’s lost a lot, has no money, and clearly has his own mental health issues. But I can’t shake the feeling of how much pain this has left me with. To make things harder, his family seems to ignore or deny his behavior completely. Whenever I try to reflect on what happened, I feel gaslit—not just by him, but by them too. It makes me feel crazy. We were together for 5 years, and there were definitely good moments, even happy ones. But there were also times when I felt so trapped, alone, and scared. I kept asking myself what I was doing wrong because things would feel fine for a while, and then something horrible would happen. After enough time passed, it was like it didn’t even happen, and I’d start wondering if I’d made it all up.

Here are some examples:

• One time, I was sitting down crying, and he slapped me in the face. I don’t even remember why we were arguing, but the more I cried, the angrier he got.
• He pushed me into a towel rack during an argument and dented it. That happened because I accidentally tossed his pants, and they hit his face. He got so mad that he pulled my hair and pinched me.
• He once tried to make me drink this shroom tea that I didn’t want, and when I refused, he kept shoving it toward me. When it spilled, he slapped me hard across the face, called me a “stupid bitch,” and blamed me for everything.
• He came to my apartment one night in a rage because I’d left him at his brother’s house and went home. He ripped my shirt off, threw my bedding around, and periodically threw me on the bed while yelling at me.
• The first time he grabbed my neck, I was half-naked. Afterward, I had to get on a Zoom meeting, and my voice was scratchy. He said I was exaggerating when I brought it up.
• In the mornings, he would sometimes refuse to drive me to work unless we had sex. I’d cry because I was tired or running late, and he would call me mean names or threaten to not drive me.
• During sex, if he couldn’t get aroused, he’d pinch my breasts really hard, pull my hair, or call me degrading names. I’d cry and ask why he was so angry, but he’d say it was my fault because I was a “cheater” or a “bitch.”
• He climbed on top of me and hit me multiple times in the head after I accidentally hit him in the eye with his pants while handing them to him.

Other times:

• He once drove erratically, pulling my hair and saying we’d both die because I talked about leaving him. I had a full-blown panic attack while he was yelling at me.
• He choked me a few times—not for very long, but it terrified me.
• He wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom during sex or wouldn’t let me stop, even when I was crying. If he lost arousal, he’d hit me, pull my hair, or dig his nails into me.
• One time, his cousin overheard me crying during a fight while we were naked, and when his cousin walked in to check on us, he got even angrier and blamed me for someone seeing me that way.

I feel ashamed to admit this, but I would often just give in to things because I was afraid of what he might do if I didn’t. When his brother was staying with us and sleeping in the same room, he would make me have sex in the bathroom. It felt humiliating, but I didn’t know how to stop it.

There were also moments where he crossed boundaries I didn’t even know how to process. Early in our relationship, when I first got high with him, I think he might have done something sexual while I was half-asleep. I’ve tried to piece together what happened, but it feels so vague. Later in our relationship, he would demand sex even if I was upset or crying, and sometimes he’d purposely not pull out just to hold control over me. He always made me feel like it was my fault, though. He called me names like “slut” and “bitch,” said I was cheating if I wanted to spend time with friends or family, and even insisted on “inspecting” me to see if I’d been with other people. Meanwhile, he was the one cheating.

Neighbors once called security because they heard him yelling, throwing me around, and me crying. He screamed through the wall at them, calling them whores and saying he’d kill them. Afterward, he blamed me for it all. I feel so conflicted because I know he’s dealing with his own trauma and mental health issues, but I can’t help feeling hurt and confused. Part of me feels like he’s not a bad person, but what he did to me feels so wrong.

Does any of this count as abuse? I’m struggling to even define it. Is it assault if I was crying and didn’t want to keep going during sex, but he wouldn’t let me stop? I feel like I’m going crazy trying to make sense of this.

If anyone has been through something like this or has advice, I’d really appreciate hearing from you. I don’t know what to do with these feelings.

Also I feel like being away from him mostly for months helped me a bit but now I feel like I’m emblems roped back in

I could use someone to talk things out with. Not sure what to make of my situation and my next steps going forward.

I need to tell someone what's going on, I need advice. I need to tell someone the whole story with no judgment and to get another opinion, maybe multiple someone's but I don't want it on aa reddit thread. Do you know if any online chat rooms maybe?

I need help, I'm in California. I need it now I'm so triggered. He won't leave me alone.

This is a sexual assault/physical assault/stalking/and threats situation for better context. Not just stalking that's just what I chose as flair because the harassment is what's triggering me.

Many years ago, I dated a man who was bipolar (and unmedicated) but did not tell me until AFTER I fell for him. I ignored the red flags because he seemed *so genuine*.

He kept it together for the first several months and was very sweet, lots of love bombing. For my half birthday, he planned a special day-long date where we had a great time. This was right before a mutual friend was coming into town from across the country. We'd been counting down the days til he arrived, excitedly making plans for his visit.

The day our friend arrived, my ex had a MASSIVE manic episode that was like a nitrogen bomb exploded, total Jeckyll & Hyde. He said it was because his ex was threatening child support isues. Our friend and I spent the entire week dealing with his tantrums and trying to talk him into getting help. He threw a tantrum at a restaurant with several of his own friends present, and we talked him down, but then he whispered insults only I could hear. Another night, he told an embarrassing story I had specifically asked him not to tell, then expected me to hold back his hair while he puked from stress.... I am still completely traumatized by that week and everything that followed. He claimed his episodes were usually not that bad, ie that was an outlier, and only happened once or twice a year.

After that, he said he was getting treatment, and we got back together and broke up several times in the span of a few months. I never saw his sweet side again, except briefly while he was apologizing, then straight back to being a snarling asshole. All of a sudden, he claimed he had "daily cycles" that justified his outbursts all day every day, which does not match his earlier claim that the nitrogen bomb blast was an outlier.

There was also an element of reproductive coercion that I only recognized as such very recently. Very early on and throughout our relationship, he was surprisingly casual about birth control for a grown, sexually experienced man who said he didn't want more kids. There was an unprotected sex incident, then he talked me out of 2 different types of BC. The last incident involved breakup sex where he broke our explicit agreement to pull out (while also wearing a condom).

At the time, It was like the person I'd fallen for, who'd seemed so genuine, had died. At first, I believed his narrative -- that he was a sweet guy "but for" the bipolar, which took over him like a demon -- and I took him back many times as a result.

What I have realized in the past few weeks is that the following elements of his narrative do not add up:

- He knew he was bipolar years before we met, but did not tell me until it was too late. At the time, I'd assumed he was embarrassed, or in denial. That doesn't make sense though; this had been going on for YEARS, and he'd had plenty of experience dating during that time. I'm pretty sure I met him right after a similar episode where he dumped a previous girlfriend. He knew exactly what was going to happen when we started dating.

- He knew his bipolar was severe and had gone to a crisis center at one point years prior. This makes it hard to believe his claim that the nitrogen bomb episode was an outlier.

- While we were dating, he did not want to take bipolar medications because of potential side effects. This is hard to believe, or at least simplistic, given the crisis center piece. I think he wanted to jerk me around and have an excuse for his tantrums. It also shows he had *no intention* of getting treatment and *fully intended* to jerk me around with the bipolar as cover.

- It strikes me as very odd that he arranged the daylong date right before his episode hit. He wanted to paint our day date as our last moment of peace in a "star crossed lovers" scenario of true love marred by mental illness. It's weird that he chose that instead of just saying he was about to have a breakdown. Edit: He referred back to that day date to get me back and get sympathy: "I want you to remember me as the sweet guy who could make your half birthday the most magically perfect day -- not the unhinged slob I am today."

- What's weird too is that he never returned to that nice, sweet guy ever again except to apologize for various tantrums. If he really loved me with his real, sweet self, it seems he would have reverted back to normal and sought treatment once the mania subsided.

- I also question the "randomness" of his episode hitting the day our friend arrived. He'd known about our friend's plans for MONTHS but opted to blast us both with his unmitigated bipolar symptoms he knew about at least a day prior for our day date??? Fighting with his ex was not a new thing either, ie. was he really THAT upset over it, or was that a cover for his ruse:

I can't help but wonder if he planned the entire thing as a stunt to rope my friend into his bipolar narrative. If he could get me and everyone else convinced of that, he'd have an excuse to rail on me and get sympathy for it. It would also be more believable for me to actually have his child if I thought the sweet guy was in there somewhere.

I guess I am just looking for backup on my conclusions. This has been hanging over my head for many years.

I have a lot of scars on my neck. They’ve turned to like rope burn and then now they’re just scars that are extremely dark and ugly. I hate them and I feel extremely ugly. Does anybody know what I can do to help fade them/get rid of them? Does anybody have experience with this? I’m thinking about getting silicone scat tape and vitamin e oil but I’m scared to spend the money and it not work. I feel extremely ugly and it makes me feel bad.

I have been talking about it and reading about it, but for some reason today it finally just after reading about “what makes a sexual predator” “what makes a rapist” I just felt my stomach drop for some reason I don’t think it caught up to me until now the reality of it. This person I loved raped me. He told me after “it’s just how he is and he has a hard time controlling that part of himself. I don’t know why it hit me so hard just now, I think it’s the realization that it’s the person who loved me. Not some stranger, but someone who claimed to love me. I think that aspect is almost making it harder for me to understand. The question “why” keeps plaguing me. I think what hurt me so bad is he said he realized I would dissociate and reexperience my childhood sexual abuse, and knowing that I was not mentally there at the time still chose to have sex with me. It took me thinking about me doing that to him, knowing he was sexually abused as a child and see him visibly dissociate thinking about it and then decided to still have sex with him. It’s just deplorable. And this person, who claimed and still claims I am everything to him. Decided to do that. He decided to push me, just once, but apparently according to his therapist I just needed to learn to know when he needs a break-despite him the one constantly breaking me down. Apparently I need to be better at appeasing his anger. I need to just accept all the disgusting, creepy, hateful, evil parts of him as everyone else does (they don’t know him like I do though). My soul feels so heavy. I question my worth and that I am worthy of love and that I’ll never feel safe enough to find another man. I’ve been through a lot but I feel he is the one who killed that last part of me that’s capable of ever feeling safe again. I don’t want that to be the case, but it feels different this time like he really changed me completely.

Hi, all.

Correction: restraining order was approved for me, but just me, for six months. I didn't fight for anything at that second hearing after reading what my BIL and abuser had stated to the CWS person, so clearly, I'm still allowing myself to be victimized. My insecurity about mental health stuff is what kept me in that relationship and helped me rationalized the abuse; and it is what drove me to just capitulate, yet again. I'm pissed off at myself about that, too.

Second correction, because I think it points to my problem as a victim, here, who is not quite a survivor yet: when I was pregnant, my ex would tell me casually, in the most mundane of situations, like on the balcony while watering flowers, or while I was making dinner, that he was having "compulsive thoughts about punching my belly and crushing the baby inside." He repeated this to me routinely.

And I convinced myself that, hey, this guy is being vulnerable about thoughts he can't control! How open of him, and I should be supportive.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why would I do that? Why do I keep pretending that he's not a psychopath? Can anyone relate to this self-gaslighting stuff?

----------------

I've been on here a while now. I just want to know if there is hope here. I flaired this as progress, but really, it's just hell Part II.

It's year 4 of a divorce and custody situation since I left with my then-baby daughter. I allowed myself to be convinced by the custody evaluator that my daughter's father was a good dad and wouldn't hurt her; then, he did. Within six weeks of starting a new job I was stoked about--but for some reason, afraid for him to find out about--between mid-October and mid-November, my daughter shared she was being hurt in several different ways, and then to a child welfare services person. She said her dad was punching, hitting, pushing, etc. (but never any bruises, although she pointed to her chest)--and then "sitting on her chest" when she was sleeping and then telling her it was a dream.

If I'm to be honest with myself, I first thought he was hurting her in March of 2023. She was hospitalized for asthma-like symptoms--acute respiratory failure--twice that month. Now that she shared her dad was suffocating her, it seems too accurate, if that makes sense.

I filed for a restraining order; it was approved initially for my daughter and for myself. The intial CWS report as reassuring, since my daughter had disclosed directly to them. The second one, with his allegations I was and am delusional, with my brother-in-law-- who my ex isolated me from last year, about 9 months ago-supporting it, rendering my own daughter's words "unfounded". I hadn't spoken with my BIL since finding out he was friends with my ex and begging him to remain no-contact.

This did something to me--traumatize, I think. I still am. I can't describe it other than the nightmares, panic, horror, feeling like I don't have any rights, that I'm dirty.

So the present situation is this:

1. I'm isolated. No more comfort in denial, either, about his capacity to hurt my daughter. It feels like torture but if I know him, I know he won't hurt her with her now being in therapy, more eyes from official organizations, etc.
2. I lost my job during this same restraining order period because it was all I could think about--took everything I had to file for that restraining order. I was terrified the whole time.
3. and psychologically, whatever happened between October and December did something to me--it traumatized me. I'm in therapy for it, but yeah, it fucked me up good: nightmares, feeling trapped, feeling like i don't have rights or credibility, dirty, a pariah, ashamed, angry, and horrified. I have my therapist, and she is helping me not succumb to the gaslighting, too, which I'm conditioned to default to when scared.
4. I'm facing eviction proceedings as early as tomorrow morning.
5. More vulnerable than ever to losing custody.

Positives:

5. Ironically, my daughter is doing well--I just met with her preschool teacher, and they've noticed a boost in confidence and more sociability, stuff like that. So, ultimately, doing what I did, I think--filing for the restraining order and getting people involved--was the right thing. It's just funny because my personal situation, as her mom, has gone the opposite direction. But, at least I'm not allowing my shit to get to her, so that's good.

I need advice and hope from a community who "gets" this shit. So give it to me straight. I need stories, advice, hope. I need something to keep my head held high, because it keeps falling.

I left my husband on Tuesday night. Today, Thursday evening, he took about 1/4 of all of our money. It was a joint account. Im unemployed and a full time student. He’s in the military.

What should I do? Any and all resources please send my way.

My roommate, he's not my bf anymore, slapped, kicked and punched me in the head, bruised my eye, made my wrist swell, nearly broke my kneecap, pulled my hair out, stepped on my heel, hit me in the back of the head with his fists, etc. I have no where to go. he pays rent. I have no income and I am disabled both physically and mentally (autistic).

This is the fourth time he has done this. The second time, I think he tried to choke me to death and I couldn't breathe very well. He has hit my hand with a hammer and tried to break my hand but held back.

He wants to know why I am so cold and refuse to be intimate with him but it's because of this. I'm also in love with someone else but I seriously have nowhere to go but the streets and elsewhere ive been beaten and worse and this is by far the safest place I've ever lived. What do I do? Police would just arrest him and I'd be homeless again.

I'm very sad. Any salvaging this?

I was very mad at God the other day for this. He tried to make it up by giving me pizza. what should I do? It's winter.

I dream of the day I get justice - how do you all cope with the fact your perps are walking free. I have so much evidence - what shall I do? I want to upload it all.

If it got worse for you, why do you think it is?

I noticed our fights are more explosive but if I think about it, it’s coming from me. I feel very protective over this baby and I’m in mama bear mode. I’ve been putting up more boundaries and won’t put up with as much. Things have actually been improving.

But I heard sometimes it doesn’t start getting worse until the baby is born so we will see.

Breaking Up

Hi Everyone

I, (28F) want to break up with my (29M) boyfriend/children’s father.

We’ve been together since Dec 2019 and throughout our relationship it has been a lot of DV incidents, cheating, lying and straight manipulation done by him. I’ve also got into it with his then (22F) sister and had to throw her out my home. He’s also been in and out of jail.

I honestly am over him. I don’t feel anything for him and I’ve tried to break up with him nicely but it then he guilt trips me into staying with him because he did everything in his power to provide for his family. He loves me and the kids. I also, take care of his little brother.

His currently in jail now and set to come home in August. I don’t want to be responsible for his little brother and I don’t want to be with him anyone more. He sets me back in life, when he’s not around I do so much better and have less to stress about. He says that when I do better I don’t think about the family as a whole just me and the kids.

I have all of his items in my possession.

Any advice on how to break up.

This will be long. My apologies. I will leave the comments unlocked for members. However, if you disagree, your disagreement must be addressed respectfully through mod mail. There will not be a debate on this post. If you send a hostile mod mail, we will not respond. And if you attempt to engage in an argument on this post, it will result in an immediate ban. Human Rights are not up for debate.

This community has not been taking a position on politics, for the protection of this community. The purpose of this community is to help abuse victims and survivors. This post is not about red vs blue or my political views. My political views do not in fact line with either party. I push those aside for the sake of this community and the members of this community. However, there is no way to deny the impact the current administration will have on members of this community and victims and survivors throughout the US. Times are changing. When a member posted about this a little while back I did speak of my concern for funding cuts for DV agencies. I did decide to keep much of my thoughts to myself for several reasons. One, I do not want hostility in this community. We have all experienced enough hostility and aggression. That is why this community exists. We come here to support each other, and we come here for support. Two, I didn't expect that things would get so bad this quickly. I felt sounding an alarm too soon could take away from this community. And number three, I have been working on creating an irl home for r/Because_Now_I_Can and I did not want to jeopardize any possibility for funding. I did not want to do anything that could negatively impact my ability to help victims and survivors. Number four, I have been pursuing an education in sociology. I was concerned voicing my opinion may jeopardize the education I have been seeking, with the goal of building a better approach for victims and survivors and society as a whole. But it is extremely unlikely that I will have the opportunity to continue my education, in sociology as it is considered "woke" and many theories which are being attacked right now are sociological theories. I wanted that education to help make this world a little bit better, but even if the program isn't dismantled, the funding soon will be, in my humble opinion. I can't be silent any longer.

They can stop my education. However, they cannot stop my mission. I can't be anybody other than who I have become. I will not go quietly into the night. I will not abandon my mission. And I will not abandon this community. But I will have to change my approach. Please be patient with me as I work on the best approach to serve you all moving forward.

We as mods are here to serve our members. We will NOT discriminate on the basis of race, gender, sexual identity, religion, ability, and citizen status. And we expect the same from all members. Intolerance will NOT be tolerated here. To the trans community, we stand with you. Anyone who does not agree, has the right to move on. There are other communities. Women, we stand with you. You deserve respect and equal rights. Men, we stand with you. We will not reinforce social norms or expectations in this community. We will not reinforce the patriarchy by assuming gender norms. Men can be and sometimes are victims. Women can be and sometimes are abusers. This is evident in same-sex couples. To our gay and lesbian members, we stand with you. You deserve safe love, respect, and equal rights. To people of color, to immigrants, to those with different abilities, we stand with you. You deserve love, respect, and equal rights. As I stated, this community will not allow discrimination. Mistreatment of members on the basis of discrimination will result in an immediate ban. We stand by equal rights and equal opportunities.

We will be looking for a mod to add to the community, who is not based in the US. We are already dealing with censorship and it is only going to get worse. I do agree with banning, as many communities have, all links to X, Instagram, & Facebook. However, doing so is certainly bringing attention to Reddit. I am concerned that there will be an attempt to do with Reddit what was done with TikTok. These censorships are about control. We all know about people who want control. We want to know that if the censorship worsens, there will be mods outside of the US to maintain the purpose of this community. Some of the requirements for a mod would be regular activity in this community with enough interaction showing that you follow and are able to reinforce the rules of this community. It is not an easy community to moderate. Biases must be set aside.

I will continue to move towards building an irl home for r/Because_Now_I_Can I am aware funding it will be much more difficult under the current administration, and building it has much higher safety concerns under this administration. I am also aware it will be even more needed under this current administration. I am looking for someone to assist me in building a website for it to provide direct support to victims and survivors, but for many reasons, especially safety reasons, this will take time. If you wish to support this, I have created a bluesky account that is linked to my profile in hopes that there is a company that has the backbone to Financially support my work. Following me on Bluesky, if you may do so safely, is a way you can support the construction of a website and irl home for r/Because_Now_I_Can

Please, if a member is in the US, consider they may not be able to leave. DV agencies rely on grants, which are being frozen and cut. The "just leave" response is not appropriate. We need to start talking about ways to leave and what worked for us. We need to start talking more about safety plans. And sometimes we need to just allow people to vent and feel heard.

Moving forward whether through DM or mod mail, if you are sending a question specific to your situation, without regular activity in this community, for our safety and well-being, we will not respond. If you are and have been an active member trying to get out of a dangerous situation, we will help if we can. But we cannot be a substitution for posting on the community, especially newly active accounts.

Also, moving forward I will again be doing discussions. I encourage members to participate. They offer an opportunity for a more proactive approach. I also may set up a discord for the community to have an audio meeting once or twice a week. Please let me know if this is something you are interested in.

I apologize for the long post. There was a lot to cover, and I honestly didn't even cover everything. I will explain more at a later date.

I'm here for you, and I will continue to serve you as long as I am able to do so. And to the members of this community who support other members, thank you. It's not a community I wish would grow. A couple weeks ago, I received a message, "Congratulations on your growing community. You now have 42,000 members." Honestly, I want to see r/Because_Now_I_Can grow, and this community to no longer be needed, but until that day comes, thank you to all members who offer assistance and support to other members.

Hi, I hope it is okay, but I wanted to share my story and connect with others who may have experienced something similar.

In 2024, I was wrongfully arrested for domestic violence in Florida. The case was dismissed and is being expunged. I was in an abusive relationship where my ex controlled who I could talk to. After he found out a male coworker messaged me for school help, he took my phone, threatened to crash the car, and strangled me twice. I managed to escape and later called 911. However, the police arrested me because my ex had scratches, and they doubted my claims. I was told that if he genuinely strangled me, I should have been dead. The charge was classified as a Class III misdemeanor. I have medical records diagnosing me with asphyxiation, and the hospital took pictures of the bruises and marks on my neck from the incident.

I am still processing this situation to this day after suppressing it. I spent a night in jail, terrified. I was not allowed a phone call, I did not have the chance to tell my parents I was arrested, and I could not even see in jail. The cops did not allow me to get my glasses or contacts. It was a dehumanizing experience.

I moved to a different state to try to escape everything, but it seems it is still following me. I lost an amazing job opportunity because of this situation when I am not a violent person at all. I was scared for my life that day. I don't know what to do or how to move forward. I am also applying to medical school this cycle. I want to turn this situation around and make the best of it. I want to help others. Please let me know if there is any advice on what to do. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope everyone is doing okay.

Again today, like every day and night. He was shouting at me calling me stupid dumb whore and I was standing there crying like a little girl. I feel so bad for myself.

He tells me I’m unable to do anything on my own, he says my brain is not working because I might be experiencing menopause (I’m not)

I’m so done. Just want to skip but cannot leave him, because he can ruin my life.

I don’t even know how to start. My Ex would tell me that I pushed him to a point and “at what point is it acceptable to hit someone after they’ve done you wrong.” My wrongdoing was making him feel neglected and not doing the chores like I said I would. He felt disrespected. He also has undiagnosed BPD. So I feel a lot of times, that I’ve caused this and I can’t seem to act right even with the threat of physical violence. So is he really that wrong for hitting me? Today was a breaking point. He crashed out on me and punched me in the face several times. I had to call the cops… they keep saying that there’s no excuse but I still feel like I have some fault in this. And how am I supposed to show my face all bruised and swollen and have to explain to everyone I know what happened?

Did it ever get better? I'm just here looking for some reassurance I guess. I'm an adult, not living with my parents; but from the moment they met, their relationship was abusive. All that's really important to know is that my father is a complete POS, and my mother has been trying to escape since they got together over 20 years ago.

Over three weeks ago, I tried helping her get in touch with a pro-bono lawyer in my area, only for her case to be rejected. I kept trying to reassure her that if we get rejected, there are plenty of other resources out there and more things we can try beyond that (even representing herself as you can do that in our state), but she seems to have completely given up. She says she won't try again. All the years of abuse have completely worn her down. I sat there crying just thinking about it, just completely heartbroken; so I can't even imaging how she's feeling about it.

At this point, it really seems like my father will have to die before she's ever free. Does anyone have similar stories? Did it seem hopeless for anyone else? *Was* it hopeless? I guess this is my only experience with DV, and I'm just kind of shooting in the dark to try and help my mother. Thanks for any replies.

I am having an extremely hard time getting over my abusive ex. He was absolutely terrible to me, beat me daily, called me names, tried to kill me multiple times. He also financially destroyed me but I still want him back. He has made it very clear he is happy with his downgrade and there is not chance but I still can’t help but be hopeful we will work out. How do I get over this. I know he is a terrible person but I don’t know what to do.

So my son (3-months-old) and I (26f/nb) are staying in a women’s shelter. Today is our first day/night and it’s been very rough. My partner (29m) threatened me with scissors and threw toys at me and my son while he was drunk and I called the cops. He was arrested and took the car keys with him to jail. He also deleted my phone number off of his plan so I have no way to get to work, no one to babysit so I can work, no way to even call work. I’m feeling guilty for call the cops on him last night, because the incident was not the worst fight we have had by far. He has spit in my face, raped me, hit me, gotten totally wasted and pissed all over me and my son while we were arguing (and soaked the bed and nursery carpet in urine), threatened to kill me, kill the baby. The fight yesterday was more or less the straw that broke the camels back. I was just tired of feeling afraid for my life and my son’s life. I just want some peace. But now I’m feeling so much guilt because the only crime he got charged with was 3rd degree assault on a family member, which is a class C misdemeanor. I can’t bring myself to report any of the other things he’s done, but all of his family member hate me now because they think that it was no big deal and I’m the one acting crazy. He also has a substance abuse issue and they all think it was “just because he was drunk” and that I’m over reacting. But the cycle of abuse never stops, even when he is sober. The name calling, the threats, the most horrific terrible things come out of his mouth. And I don’t think I deserve it. So why do I feel so bad?

Hi, I am 30F and My husband is 35M. My Husband often slaps and beats me when I do the smallest of mistakes often. He is an extremely wealthy individual in the city so I can do nothing about him by complaining the police because of his influence as I live in such a corrupt country (I know this as he was involved in a scam before). I don't know what should I do. Honestly he only does it when I do something wrong and never causes any serious harm. He also loves and cuddles me but sometimes beats me. Is this acceptable? If not, what should I be doing?

After leaving a previous abusive relationship of 11 years, I then entered another one of 5.5 years. I recently ended it back in October and wound up having to get a permanent restraining order. Has anyone else gone through the restraining order process and feeling a mix of emotions? I have so many emotions that I don’t know what to do with, I finally feel safe now but I am also feeling other sad emotions.

Hi.

So I have been one of those nasty keyboard warriors and some people have actually commented on my posts. One girl came to inbox me and we argued.

However, she mentioned just now that she is in a domestic violence case and she just jumped out of a moving vehicle. She also told me that her ex is trying to kidnap her and took her wallet.

She lives in the USA and I live in Brunei. I have tried to reach for all the USA hotlines to help make sure she is okay, but I could not get an international call abroad and even the online chat platforms are not working since I am in another country. I contacted my US Embassy here in Brunei and they told me to call any of the police officers in US. Not actually helping.

Does anyone here live in the US that can help me find out if she is okay? She also mentioned that she is suicidal. She could actually be in danger.