TW: Details of sexual abuse and bullying

I 19M am having doubts about my abuse and it's driving me insane. I just need to give my story so I can have someone please validate me.

It all happened with a boy (12M then) who we will call Luke and me (age 9 then). We used to play with the other kids who were closer in age to me. However, the kid has severe anger issues and he starts to bully and torment me.

Like he would insult me try and divert other kids attention away from me. He would insult me and make fun of me and I would beg for him to stop. He would (non-sexually) harass me just to intimidate me for no reason. He once punched me hard in the face. His friends his age would also harass me and once punched me hard in the arm in a specifc spot to cause a lot of pain and then would laugh about it. I would hide from him and he would call me a chicken.

Then we made "peace". We then became "friends" and I saw him as like a cool older brother. However, I was well aware of his capability to get angry and I was still scared of him when he gets angry so I also walked on egg shells around him.

Then he asks me if I want to have "gay sex". I reluctantly agree, but I think he's joking. He takes me to a secluded area and starts to give me oral sex and make mouth contact with other areas and touches me in sensitive areas too. I found it uncomfortable but didn't initially say anything. Then later on he asks for "gay sex" again. I keep saying I don't want to and he starts nagging me then he starts to sound angry. Me knowing what he is like when angry I concede and let him do what he wants.

This happens multiple times over the course of a year. Then I move away (I was 10 and Luke 13 by then) ending the abuse. I didn't understand what was going on but it felt wrong, uncomfortable and I hated it.

However there is 1 incident that I remember very well. I remember once me and my friends made him angry. He is very angry at us. He makes peace with the others without them needing to do anything. However not me. He continues getting angry and I'm very scared. He says in order to be "friends" again I have to have "gay sex" again with him. I beg him not too and that I don't wanna do it but I wanna be "friends". He doesn't budge and I give up and let him do what he wants.

Some other notes are that he once told me he is trying to get his little sister to flash once (she is my age). He also bashed a nerf gun into a kids head once and he also once tried to get me to lift my shirt up to one of the kids too. However that kid isn't actually involved in the abuse and has done nothing wrong.

Im terrified, shaking and crying rn i have no idea what to even do. When I was 14 I was raped by an older girl, I think she was maybe around 25. There was no protection nothing but i never heard from her or saw her again. I didnt even know her name. Im now 34 and have a wife and a 3 year old son, my own son. And i just had a message on facebook from a 20 year old boy claiming he thinks i am his dad. I dont even know how he would know, i dont even know if its him. I could be a father, i mightve been one at 14 and not even known. Holy fuck i think i might kms. I cant do this. Everything that happened to me was so repressed and deep and my wife doesnt even know it happened.

Thought I might buy some new pyjamas so went earlier this week and tried them on in the shop changing room (just underwear). When I came to taking off the bottoms and going past my thighs, I shuddered and had a flashback (which had more detail and made me feel dirty & helpless again).

I don't like having my thighs and waist touched anyway, as it triggers me off, but this was much a stronger wave of "I really don't like this touching sensation at all".

Still feeling rough from it now.

Please be kind... this situation is so painful. I feel so guilty we even put ourselves in the position to allow this to happen.

My husband got very drunk and blacked out. He remembers passionately kissing another woman in bed but nothing else. I saw him less than an hour earlier and he was fall-down and slurring wasted. The woman was a friend who we trusted and seemed relatively sober - embarrasingly in retrospect, her and I were laughing about how ridiculously drunk he was.

After I went to bed she went to another room where he was sleeping. All we really know is that the kissing seemed mutual/passionate.

He told me immediately after he realized what happened and showed me the texts with her where she confirmed something happened and they both apologized.

How can we work through this? We cannot seek more information from her because he does not want to and I respect that, they agreed not to ever talk about it, I am worried he was the initiator, we'll learn things we don't want to know, and I don't want her to know this is destroying me because I think that may give her some kind of twisted satisfaction.

I know he was in no position to have sex and trust he would remember if that happened. I trust he doesn't remember anything more than he's told me.

How can we recover from this? How can I support him and what can I do to help us both heal?

I (18 but turning 19 before next monday), booked an appointment with a university SVLO for monday next week. It is mainly to discuss support and therapy for me after I reached a bad low and probably my worst low in the last 3 years about my CSA.

I reached a redline on Friday when watching a lecture online and being unable to listen and I was on the verge of tears, and being unable to study without almost crying on saturday. I also literally wanted to do nothing but be in my room and talk to nobody the entire weekend. I also have been constantly having intrusive memories for 2 weeks.

I am not all that familiar with the murders or the trial, but I am watching a documentary about it.

If a women claimed she has been sexually abused by her father whom she has subsequently killed, she would have been treated differently. While I do now know if their claims are true or not. Their relatives do support their claims. I am 100% sure that there is a disgusting bias when it comes to male victims. Imagine someone saying to a young women who has been raped and abused from young age that she could have moved away. Only the most disgusting person can say that. Long term abuse leaves extreme scars, and can make someone struggle to get away.

I'm a 29yo male, been on a healing journey for years now but I find my days tough, the psychological scars from repeat abuse age 7-8, left me with CPTSD, EUPD(BPD) and Depression/anxiety. I did EMDR years ago but just been referred for another round, I'm glad the help is around the corner again but I know what a rough ride I've ahead of me again. I just wish I knew how far down the tunnel the light is I've heard so much about, it's exhausting and debilitating. Just needed a place to vent

Hi all. I’m not sure what to say, I guess I just need somebody to tell me that I’m not overthinking it. Looking back now, I had several symptoms of CSA screaming loud and clear, but I could never anything.

But I always had the feeling that something happened, and that I couldn’t remember. I convinced myself that I was delusional, and that it was fucked up for me to claim something that didn’t happen to me.

Today I was sitting alone, and suddenly had a massive visual flashback. I remembered my uncle, who I now know was extremely emotional abusive to his family, and his behavior. The specific memory I unlocked was of a time we spend over at my cousins’ house, and he was the father.

As kids, most of our time was spend upstairs, running back and forth through the hallways. This was mainly because my cousins’ bedroom had a shared bathroom, and it was like a secret tunnel. Who knows.

Anyway, I remembered doing just that. We were very loud and rambunctious, and anyone in the house would’ve known that he was up there. His door faced directly towards the main hallway. He was completely nude with the door wide open, and he was staring at a big vertical mirror he had in his room. Of course, that mirror had a perfect view of me.

After that, I remembered some of the other things that he would do. Always offering to carry me on his shoulders (with my legs on either side of his neck), always coaxing me to get in the hot tub with him, taking my cousins and I on fishing/hiking trips in very obscure locations. Can’t remember those.

This is undeniably sexual abuse, right? I have such a hard time believing it. I never told anybody about the hallway thing because I thought it was ME who invaded his privacy.

Sorry that it’s so long. It feels like my entire life has just changed course and I’m definitely having a hard time identifying what I’m feeling.

I’m not sure what to make of what happened

I’m 26 male. I recently moved from California a few months ago back to my hometown which is a lot smaller in population. it’s majority is white people which isn’t a problem I just have a harder time relating to them. I went on bumble friends to try to meet some new people and try to socialize because I didn’t want to stay inside all the time, I have also used bumble friends in cali and met some cool people. I matched with a guy and we both agreed to meet at a bar and play pool. I kind of started to think he might be gay just by his mannerisms but I wasn’t completely sure. I had also asked him prior to meeting if he was straight and he said yes. He was buying me a lot of tequila shots to the point where I couldn’t drink anymore and was just handing them to random people to get rid of them. Then when we got back to my car, he wouldn’t leave me and wouldn’t give me my keys back even though I told him I wasn’t going to drive and that I was going to sleep in my car. I don’t remember everything but we both ended up in the back of my car and I was pretty much yelling at him not to fucking touch me. (I was on edge because a different night, a guy grabbed my ass randomly when I was on a date with a girl. I’m not sure why he did this, he seemed like a frat boy and I guess those guys think it’s okay to do shit like that but that’s a different story) Some girls walked by us in my car and saw how fucked up we both were and offered to let us stay in their lobby, and made the guy give me my keys back. I woke up the next day and left and went home, thinking I must have over reacted and that he was fine to hang with, so… I hung out with him another night and just told him that I didn’t want to drink well tequila because I wasn’t used to it. I still drank a little that night but not nearly as much. I walked him to his car at the end of the night but there were cops all around it so I told him we could just walk to a park and wait them out. While we were waiting in the park we were kind of crouching behind some bushes just watching his car from a block away. And it was raining and he had his coat up as a makeshift umbrella. I didn’t have anything do cover myself so he told me to get under the coat with him so I did. I know I seem extremely naive in this situation but I guess in my culture it’s considered normal to be more physically close with other guys (hugging, or just sitting close together) so I didn’t think much of it. But while I was under the coat with him, I felt him slide his hand on to my upper thigh close to my crotch area. I was really off put by it and I got up pretty quickly after he did it and just played it off and walked him to his car and then left as soon as possible. I started biking away from him but he drove his car around and found me again and I just waived off him. I didn’t think much of it that much after it happened until I was with that girl I mentioned before for a second date and some guy grabbed my ass again (yes it happened twice idk what’s happening either) and I completely lost my cool, threw my drink at him, and after he tried pressing his chest up against me I was grabbing his throat and threatening him. I got kicked out of course and just felt miserable afterwards. Also more recently after starting a new job, at work I found myself extremely tense around groups of people and while in a room with a single person. I’m also just seeing things through a more sexually motivated lens now. I feel more on edge when someone looks at me and I kind of stopped trying to look presentable appearance wise. Also not going out anymore things seem to have gotten way more rapey from when I remember. Idk if what happened to me counts as assault I’m just pretty confused about it all. It all happened in such a small time frame. I’ve been touched weirdly by guys before (touching my waist while passing by) but not to that extend. I’m not gay either so idk why gay guys keep on thinking that they can do that stuff to me. I’ve also just kind of feel ashamed of myself for letting my self get in the situation to begin with.

I saw some videos of him now and I just keep replaying him saying how much I didn’t have control and to be submissive to him. He kept telling me I enjoyed it. It’s the worst movie getting replayed over and over again

I (17) recently found out via the social media grapevine, and probably reading certain family's pages I shouldn't have for my own mental health, that my abuser/cousin (15 then, 24M currently) tried to k*ll himself within the last year and I have mixed emotions about it. Part of me feels empathy and stuff for him, but a larger part almost feels disappointed that he didn't complete the task. However, I feel very evil for thinking that, even about him. I'm not usually a violent-thought person and I try to have empathy for all beings, but when it comes to this it feels so hard to give him that. I know it's okay to be angry, but am I evil for wishing this on him? Maybe I need help myself, I don't know. It's not like me usually but lately I've felt the sting of anger coming up about this more and more. I suppose because I'm older.

Surprisingly the new menendez brothers documentery helped me work up the courage to speak up bc they were molested too. I started talking about their case and slowly went on too talk about what happened with me (I won’t get into it here as it took me 11 years to tell my own family). “there’s something I have to tell you” and I just got it done quick and painless, tears were involved, everyone was their for me, I felt I was finally safe.

And I’ve had ocd anxiety and depression since I was little, mostly blamed it on me being away from my mum while she was in hospital and being in another country, but deep down it stemmed from that. Anyways Just wanted to tell everyone my story and to anyone thinking that they need to speak up, Do it because even if no one’s there for you out there, there’s someone that cares for you here. God bless everyone 🖤

Hi u/mengetrapedtoo, I'm using a throwaway for obvious reasons, hope that's alright?

3 days ago someone very close with me confided in me and told me he was raped. He told me pretty much straight after. I asked him if he wanted me to go with him to report it to the police, but he refused. I told him not to shower, but he did anyway even though I explained they'd need to do a DNA test for evidence. He's even washed his clothing since.

I just got off the phone with him today and he told me it hasn't affected him and that bad things just happen sometimes. I hope it doesn't sound harsh but he's most definitely trying to paint that he's fine with it and like he doesn't care if the rapist is brought to justice. I tried talking to him about it going to the police station, but he just said he doesn't care and it hasn't traumatized him.

I find it very hard to believe he wasn't traumatized. What he described was horrific and I doubt I would be able to function afterwards, yet he's acting just the same as he usually does. He doesn't seem affected by the rape at all, but he did tell me it happened so I'm worried he's just trying to act tough and hold up a manly man impression with me while also secretly crying for help and for me to take charge of the situation.

He is a college student and the perpetrator works at the same college. I know who he is and what he looks like. I'm thinking about reporting it for my friend because I think he might be not in his right mind right now. He is going to classes with this man and interacting with him like normal despite what happened... Who even does that!?

Can I have some advice on how to ensure the perpetrator is brought to justice? I have screenshots of conversations with my friend when we messaged about what happened. I just want to make sure when I do report it it will definitely lead to an arrest and prosecution / jail time. It makes me feel so angry that my friend was raped yet he seems so indifferent and apathetic about it. I can't just stand by and let the person responsible get away with this!

I feel like nobody would ever understand me. I was sexually abused throughout my childhood and it messed me up pretty badly. I developed a lot of fetishes that nobody would understand because of my oddly specific abuse. I also feel like I need more from a potential partner than most are willing to give.

I'm with a guy and he's really nice to me, but I don't feel fulfilled because I want to live out aspects of my abuse and trauma with him. I worry if I told him these things he'd be really frightened and break up with me.

I don't know why I crave what I experienced in the past, but I do. I want to experience it again every day, it's all I think about. I want him to abuse me, even though I know he's too kind to ever do something like that. I need an abuser, and he just isn't that. I don't know why I'm drawn to kind and friendly guys, but then want to get them to do terrible things to me.

Why would someone feel the need to live out something again so traumatic to find fulfilment? Why can't I just be happy with regular love? What is wrong with me?

The last time I told a boyfriend what I wanted him to do with me he laughed at me. I feel like I could never be honest with a partner again, but my desire to be abused in the same way will never be satisfied. Everyone deserves to feel fulfilment, but not if it comes at the cost of your partners happiness. I wouldn't want him to feel uncomfortable or feel like he has to do these things. What I want is a million miles away from a regular vanilla relationship and I'm sure he would never want to do what I'd like him to do to me.

I think I love him, but I don't feel compatible with him sexually. Maybe people like me are better off alone forever because nobody would ever want to do what I want them to.

I'm over 50 married straight male. When this happened I was single, in my early 30's, and partying way too much. At a supposed 'friends' house for a weekend party which should have been impossible to go to sleep during, I don't recall how it happened but after 48 hours of being up and partying with a group of women and my friend, I somehow passed out. YEARS went by without me remembering a thing. Last year upon hearing about his death, a floodgate of this memory and hardcore emotions that were suppressed deep in my mind hit me. All I can remember is about 30 - 45 seconds of coming too....he's on top of me. I look down and can see he's in me. I try to say something and I pass right back out.

I can see the room I'm in at his house. I know both he and I are naked. I would NEVER have done something like that willingly. I had NEVER thought that he would be that way sexually. WHY am I erect in my memory!?!

I can't confront him...he's dead. This has been messing with my head so much. The betrayal from someone I had known since high school. I can't tell anyone I know. I would never tell my wife or closest friends. Why was I hard. Why after going through anger, depression, anger again, do I suddenly have unsolicited thoughts about forced gay/bi sex. How do I make this go away!

I'm going to share a little bit about me . When I was 4 or 5 my family member had a factory . My mom worked there and I used to be left in the house with my cousins . One of the works decided. That I needed a new education one his world worked. First there was touching. Remember I was a child , then was more it happened for the better part of my 5 th year of life . The worst part was he was a friend of my mom and families. I was told to keep a secret, in which I did . But he didn't because later on I think I was 6 he and a woman started a new game . I was 6 when the first time with a woman touched oral and other stuff . That was called playing house . So later on I was getting into trouble while playing with other kids. Because I was told playing house was done naked . Remember I was 6 not 15 . When I was 7 we moved to another town . New abusers good news I still had to deal with adult stuff as a 7 yr I was a quite kid must of made an easy target I had teenaged baby sitters with new words for the same games . When I was 8yrs we moved again I was left with an older cousin for a whole summer late night games. He had a dirt bike if went along with his games I got too ride it . Sometimes he would have friend that wanted to play his game with me . Remember I was 8 left on my own with a 19yr m . I was told too keep this secret. That little kid had a huge pile of secrets for such a small child . 9yrs moved again new place hopefully time to be a kid right .... wrong new town same old story. At this time my parents were split up. My mom started dating her first guy was a creep he was watching me and a girl he had a video camera. I was in a movie the worst part is I can't remember the girls name . I remember what he made us do . I remember being told not talk about it . I knew I told my father he would have murdered that man . I tried to tell my father before but the I was afraid. Of what he would think of me I knew the word gay I did feel gay . I didn't like what I had too do , it wasn't me that asked for this. So I didn't speak out and it kept happening 8 more abusers . At the age of 12 I moved to my dad's. Life got easier, but I was f-ed up . I was "dating" a 30yr woman she was secret I was caught in bed with her , her husband tried to beat me up. Life got a little different for me got crazy. I finally spoke out on a few of my abusers. It put a Grand Canyon sized whole in my family. I became the black sheep, I stopped being invited to family events. At 13 my life stopped being a secret. I had monkey on my back though, I had more experience then my classmates. When I dated girls I never dated from the same school . Slowly it all faded into the back drop of my life .

Life can be hard it's what you make of it, is that matters .

I 18M I feel like I need to make sure I am more successful than my abuser (20-something-old M currently). Whenever I think of the abuse which has been a lot this week, I feel like I need to compare my success to his.

I still worry he is living a better and more fulfilling life than me. Through finding his Instagram account I found out he made a band with his friends. He even performed at an event once.

I still am worried that he is living better than I am. That's despite probably out-competing him or at least being just as successful in life as he is. He just revived his little band and I made it to medical school. 1 in 3 applicants get accepted in the UK and plenty more people fail early on before they apply.

I still can't shake the feeling that he is living better than I am. I want to live better than him as I feel like that's a big middle finger to him. I also hope his sister is more successful than him. She is a few months older than me (19F now). I am very suspicious he abused her too.

I know she was big into drama and actually helped out at my little sisters drama class for a while. She used to go there too when younger. Now I heard she may make it to acting (not 100% sure), I hope she does. She worked with my sister so they know each other well, but both know nothing about my abuse.

I have a question. How did you remember that you were abused? This is a legit question. Looking for answers on my own memory of things.

I 18M have been starting to dwell on my abuse again. It's really starting to get to me now and it's been disturbing my sleep as I stayed up later than I should as I was thinking about my abuse, and I couldn't attend lectures in person and viewed online as I woke up later than I should.

I have also been studying less than I wanted to over the last few days. As a med student, I actually get to examine other med students. The poster on the wall didn't do a good job conveying what to wear and made me falsely think that I would have to strip down to underwear, which is a big no-no for me.

I was reminded of how vulnerable and exposed I felt during the abuse. Which led me to a spiral on thinking about it. I used to dwell on it a lot when I was younger and it was horrendous. I remember thinking about it almost 24/7 and I had horrible concentration and couldn't focus on anything it was dreadful. I felt broken and at times had bad brain fog.

This went on for around 2 years (13-15) which started when I realised what happened to me was abuse. I think if the dwelling never stopped I doubt I would get anywhere close to medical school.

I have dwelled on it before earlier in the year, it was brutal. I was disclosing it to a friend, and I remember my heart was pounding I was shaking and was on the verge of tears. I remember I couldn't study for 2 days after it and I would imagine the feel and sounds it was awful, and it was close to A-level exams. I am scared it will be like that or a return to how I was at age 13.

I'm feel like I'm trapped in a cycle, an evil loop of self destruction. My hypersexuality's killing me, making me seek pornography and sexual encounter I don't even want, it makes me drink to cope with it... And like usual... At the end of it I'm feeling worthless, disgusted of my self and on top of it my mind replay the memory of the rapes, making me feeling weak and broken.

I know why I'm hypersexual, I know what bring me these kind of thought, why can't I fight it ?

I can't continue like this anymore, it destroy my life on every level, I'm aware of my potential, I keep wasting myself, because I hate myself for what happened, for my hypersexuality... I want to find peace and wish the same for every survivors...

I can't continue drinking, I can't let anyone access my body this easily, I can't continue seeking porn content that remind me of my traumas...

I can't let this win over me, you who have read this, and been through this hell, who's been attacked and possessed by the most evil thing an human can experience, know that you are worth it.

We all deserve better, we all can go through this and find peace.

I pray for each and everyone of us to heal, and win this war we was put into.

May God bless, stay strong, be positive, you are worthy

I love you.

Peace

Yesterday I did emdr with my therapist. I was able to unlock some things and also process them as an adult.

This memory has really bothered me for a long long time. And I already feel better about it. Granted I don't feel great still. I still feel awful about it and it plagues me. But some of the intensity has lifted and that's a win for me.

The memory was me at 13. At this point I was already quite settled into the abuse. It was normal now and I had found out ways to handle it better. My mother set up meetings with strangers often for me to learn how to 'be a perfect woman'. This stranger was extremely rough in alot of ways he was rude. Smelled terrible and roughed me up terribly. The man beat the snot out of me. I came out of the ordeal with several broken bones, sprained muscles and my body was black and blue. After he seemed to get tired of that he lifted the mattress and instructed me to get under it. He made sure I was belly down and my legs were sticking out still and my feet planted on the floor. It was so hot under there and it really hard to breath. I had several ribs broken so that didn't help he raped me. From I could tell it mostly his hand and and object I would later come to see was a handle from our mop. He did use 'himself' near the end but that didn't last long. I ended up passing out. I woke up on the ground with him gone. I have gone through alot of things but I was never beaten this badly. I was a bit in shock from all of the pain. I was bleeding from my butt VERY bad. I suspect that aided my in my confusion maybe ? All of the blood loss? I fell asleep and was woken up for school by my mom. She was high or drunk. Maybe even both who knows. So she didn't notice. She was particularly careful about sending me when I was visually hurt but not this time. I went to school and the teacher took one look at me and that was it. It all came falling down after that.

Thats all we went through. There's alot of small details I won't say here. It doesn't seem like the right place to be detailed about it i guess. But in emdr I went over EVERYTHING. And honestly I feel alot better about it Trying to process things at 13 versus now at 25 is night and day. I'll be working on this memory a few more times. I have to. I don't think I'm out of the woods with this one yet. But slowly every single day it becomes so much easier. I'm thankful to be alive now. Though some days are harder than others

I’m 25M, went out drinking last week with family, and I got extremely drunk. I met a group of younger people, and wanted to hang out with them while my family went home. I don’t remember everything from that night, but I know that another man did things to me, the only moments I remember is he was grabbing me, undid my pants and started to suck it, started humping me trying to put it in. I was frozen when this stuff happened and when I came to, I walked off to find my way home again, then all I remembered after that was climbing into a cab and then waking up. This was all in a 4 hour window and I can barely remember the 5-10 minutes that these things happened. I had a McDonald’s charge and have no memory of going to a McDonald’s whatsoever.

All I feel is confused and guilty. I’m in a relationship with my girlfriend (25F, been with her for a few months) and I love her more than anything, and I’m worried that I possibly said something that led to this happening. I never ever would’ve done something like this sober, but I have done some messed up things while drunk, but nothing to this extent. Especially with a guy. I’ve mentioned it to her the other day and she took it fairly well, but I told her I’m super worried about what I don’t know. I have a few gay friends and always make jokes to them when we’re drinking, but it’s all for fun. I’m worried that this time I might’ve made a joke and it went all the way.

I’m struggling to figure out the details of what actually happened. I’m just scared I possibly cheated on her and I’ll never know. I have cheated on my past (a drunk kiss which I confessed to my ex, and to this day I still beat myself up about it even thought it was years ago). This is on my mind all day/night and I’m just lost. I don’t even know how to fully understand what happened myself. Any advice or guidance would really help right now.

This happened to me in my junior year of high school. Following this event, it has negatively affected my ability to find female friends and even come to despise female in almost every corner of my life. It also didn't help me that following my high school years I ran into numerous scenarios where female bosses, coworkers, family members and even random strangers treated me terribly further perpetuating the idea in my head that women in general were just evil. Over the years I had come to calm down about the situation, and have started hating on women less in my life, but it all started with a two events, three weeks apart, in my junior year of high school right before we were let out for the summer. This is my story who at the time was 17M and was raped in his own high school.

I found my first boyfriend though a blind date. It was the autumn of my junior year and a friend who was a girl at the time suggested to setting me up on a date since I seemed to be really down in my luck. It wasn't exactly easy for me to find a date at the time as I was, and still am, so introverted, but I didn't feel the need to have a boyfriend at the time. Feeling like I had nothing to lose, I went on this blind movie date and met a guy whom would become my first boyfriend very quickly. "T" and I hit it off very quickly. We seemed to be into much of the same things, he was more outgoing than me, and even was braver than me. He loved horror and there were times he subjected me to indulging in some of his favorite horror games. I didn't know how he managed to make me do it, but I felt like I wanted to do anything to make him happy. If that meant a few bad dreams here or there then I was going to be okay with it. He was bi and a year older than me so he was going to be graduating come the end of the year while I would still be in high school following. Everything seemed like it was perfect, at least in my immature eyes at the time.

We went to different schools so we really only got to see each other on the weekends. When we were planned to meet up T would essentially set the schedule. I essentially had to clear every time with him ahead of time so he could give me the okay for us to spend time together. He also didn't want me showing up at his house unannounced, which I kind of felt was strange since both of his parents knew about me but I just ignored it and thought I didn't want to add any stress to his schedule. In one of our conversations as we were fast approaching the end of the year he brought up a super important science experiment that he would have to shift focus to for the next few weeks, also meaning that we wouldn't be able to see each other much. While I was saddened about this I knew that the project wouldn't last forever and we would be able to see each other eventually after so I didn't think too much about it as well. He told me he was paired with a girl for his experiment and I also didn't see anything wrong with it as well. I just told him that I would wait patently and be happy if we could spend some time together.

As the weeks started to pass I became impatient. I asked him when we could see each other as it had been a while since our last meeting. I kept asking him and all he said was that he would make some time for us. I kept him to his word, but kind of went overboard with asking. I assumed he caved and told me the last weekend in April we could meet up, I was super hyped about it. He reminded me of the usual alerting him to when I was on my way to see him, but this week, after it had been so long, I wanted it to be a surprise. So I told him that I had to go out and do some errands, which I actually had to do btw, and that I would meet with him after. I finished my errands well before I expected to and decided to use that opportunity to go over to his house. I arrived, greeted his mother like usual, and she allowed me up to his room. She told me ahead of time that he was with the girl who was his science partner and that they were working together. Too excited and not processing anything I stealth my way up the stairs and to his room and opened the unlocked door and jumped in for the surprise. Only I was the one being met with a surprise to my distaste. The first thing I saw upon entering the room was the girl fully naked with her head thrown back, breast jumping up and down as she was riding on top of T's penis and her hands on his chest. They were moaning in silence, I guess not to make too much noise, but there they were in full view in full on vaginal sex. When they finally noticed me T pushed the girl off and got up surprised that I was there and wondering why I didn't call first. That was the only thing on his mind. This was the important science experiment that he was spending weeks on and possibly why he always wanted to control when we would see each other since the beginning of the relationship.

I froze, I couldn't process anything, my mind was just blank, I couldn't believe the first boyfriend that I managed to confide into, to love, had been cheating on me and I didn't even know for how long. When I finally came to mentally I found him on the ground covering the left side of his face. He was bleeding and my right hand was hurting. I must have hit him in my blackout. He stumbled back to his feet as his mother came up, finding both him and the girl still naked but the girl was trying to cover herself. She questioned T on what was going on, he in turn decided to avoid talking to her, nor did he care about putting clothes on as he just approached me. He tried telling me that despite us being in a relationship for about 7 months we hadn't done anything yet and that he had some needs that could only be expelled in certain ways. He even tried to explain how much "fun" we could have together if we all were into the same thing, essentially suggesting that me, him and his "science partner" engage in a three way and that he was trying to find a way to bring it up to me but hadn't figured it out yet. He also added "Besides, it's guys having sex with girls and it's what everyone wants." His mom clomped him on his head, thanks Mrs. T. He really tried to talk his way out of the act and thought I would buy it. I left and didn't return.

Despite knowing he was bi I didn't fathom him ever cheating on me with a girl. This began a long perpetuated cycle of hatred against bi guys as I came to believe that in the end the guy will always choose the girl in the end. I became extremely sad in the days following. I managed to skip a day of school so that I could have one more day to process my emotions. I went through the next few weeks into May just barely being able to boost myself up in mood. My friends managed to support me in my time of need and while I hadn't forgotten about T in the slightest, the pain still lingered, but I was again able to at least put on a smile like nothing was wrong.

It came to the mid week of May and my homeroom teacher needed an assistant to run a manila envelope to the office. She admitted that she didn't turn in her final in time and wanted someone reliable to rush it to the office for the principal. By some choice or chance the teacher chose me. I would have to go all the way from the back end of the second floor down to the first and navigate my way to the front office. It was going to take more time than needed for me to return before the bell to 1st period, but according to my teacher everyone trusted me so if I was late it wasn't going to hurt me. It kind of felt good to be trusted. So I accepted the task and embarked on the journey to the office.

I kind of wanted to take advantage of the situation and take the long way and take my leisure time getting there. How many times can someone say they had a full blown excuse for being late to class. As I traveled I still heard T's voice in my head but tried to put those thoughts way. I made it to the first floor and began walking down the corridor when I heard three voices a laughing ahead of me. Three girls were in my line of sight and they were skipping class. I somewhat recognized them as we were in the same grade, but I didn't want to engage with them, especially after the event that just happened with T not so long ago. I continued to walk and didn't want to interact with them so I kept my head down and made sure there was enough space between us as we pass. Once we did pass though I heard one of the girl's voices call out to me saying that I was "looking fine". I again tried to ignore it and keep walking but that was probably my first mistake.

I heard they had stopped walking, but I didn't turn around. The same girl who complimented me called out commanding that I stopped, which I did. Clearly that was my second mistake. She commented that my hearing wasn't broken so why didn't I compliment her back. I scrambled to figure out what to say in the moment while trying to avoid eye contact, so I blurted out the first thing on my mind, that I was gay. Immediately the footsteps began again and were getting louder. I didn't move, I was stunned in the same spot. I thought to myself to run, but I couldn't move. I felt like there was no strength in my legs. In no time the three girls surrounded me. Two behind me on both sides and one girl ahead of me. The one ahead of me forced my to look directly at her and questioned if I was really gay. I affirmed that I was but for some reason she wasn't buying it. She asked me if I had ever fucked a girl before to which I affirmed I hadn't. She just asked me "How do you know if you don't like pussy if you haven't tried it?"

The next thing I knew the two girls that were behind be grabbed me on my arms and turned me around. they both forced me to walk with them as we walked all the way to the front of the school that housed the closest bathroom to the office. They forced me to walk into the bathroom and locked the door behind them. One of the girls (the muscle), forced me against the wall and held me there. The second girl (the recorder) pulled out her flip phone. I asked her what she was doing and she simply said "making a memory so that you can always remember the day you go your cherry popped the right way". The third girl (the assaulter) approached me and got in my face. I was stuck. I didn't know what I should have done. If I hit them then they would have it on video. If I tried to run then they outnumbered me and could easily pull me back. I was already an idiot for allowing myself to be pushed into the bathroom. I kept trying to figure out a way to get out of the situation but kept failing at every turn.

The assaulter got in my face didn't say anything. I tried my best to avoid eye contact where she just took my right hand and and pulled it up to touch her breast. I didn't enjoy it in the slightest even though she still had her top on. The feeling of it was gross to me. I wanted to pull my hand away but couldn't. After a short while of this she reached down with her right hand and touched me all over my crotch area. I assumed she was searching for my penis to see if I was hard but couldn't find anything. Baffled by this and cussing she bend down and reached for my pants. She pulled them down exposing me bare. She stared at my flaccid penis seeing that it hadn't grown in the slightest. She looked up at me as if she was insulted and questioned why didn't I feel anything. I didn't say anything back.

She went on a rant about how many guys had desired her and wanted to have a piece of her. After a few moments of this I guessed she decided to change tactics before returning to me. She assumed the reason I wasn't getting hard was because I wasn't "getting the full show yet". So she began to disrobe. The muscle made sure I was looking as each article of clothing had come off. She wasn't even wearing underwear if I remember correctly. For the second time in three weeks I had seen a girl completely naked and both times I hadn't enjoyed it.

The assaulter grabbed my hands and made me touch her all over. Every time I pulled away she just kept pulling my hands back towards her and the muscle would push me against the wall with force. when nothing had changed with me again the assaulter decided to change tactics again. She said "then maybe forcing you in will get some reaction out of you". She pinned both her hands against the wall to my sides and began to inch closer to me. She was moving to rub her vagina over my penis to see if I would have a reaction. All the while I kept my eyes closes, and the feeling of paralyzing fear had settled in. I wasn't escaping this one. Seconds before our bodies touched the recorder had pulled the girl off me. The assaulter demanded to know why she had done that and she told her to look at me. To see that I was pulsing with fear enough as I already was. The assaulter looked at me once more and I heard her say "That's how you know you've got a gay."

The assaulter got dressed again and the muscle had let me go. The recorder showed me that she had deleted video, thank you cloud tech did not exist at the time, and encouraged me to get dressed again as they left. Once alone I took a moment to get myself together before leaving the girl's bathroom. I was afraid someone would see me coming out but luckily no one did. I finished what I was told to do from my homeroom teacher before heading straight to my first period class. I didn't return to my homeroom for my backpack until the end of the day as I was completely dejected the entire day.

In the days that followed I found it difficult to go from day to day life as usual. I found myself spending much of my summer sleeping or isolating myself form everyone I knew. I told myself at time it was my fault. T's words echoed in my head telling me that this is what everyone wants. I blamed myself for allowing it to happen. I didn't leave the house much and my friendships with the female friends I had slowly began to dwindle. I would try to tell myself it didn't happen or I was making it up, but when I did I would have nightmares replaying the event. I would then begin to scream in my sleep prompting family members to wake up and come to my aid. Of course they would be concerned and ask me what was wrong, but I would never tell them what happened. I would never admit what happened.

In the years to follow I continued to keep this pain a secret. I realize in the modern day that this was the wrong move to make as this was the beginning of my long hatred of women. It also didn't help that no matter where I went after graduating I somehow found more and more women who seemed to either despise me or just hate me for no reason. I felt as though it was bad enough they took my virginity and first sexual experience but now they get to yell at me for almost anything and everything. In every situation I would be detached and not start the conflict but somehow it would still be my fault. I began to question if the world was even fair.

Having reached my 30s I still find it difficult to talk to some women, specifically the ones who try to start shit for no reason, but I've come to let go of the general hatred. The one thing that has stuck with me though is the sexualization of females in media. It's turned me off to many things including shows, games and anime. I can't look at the same things the same and not be reminded of that situation. I've become repulsed by the female body. I honestly don't want to see a naked women ever in my life.

This is the story I've held onto for 13 years. In time I have only told a few people. My therapist, a friend who would become my first fiancé who has now unfortunately passed away, eventually my husband as well. I don't open up about this story much, but I've felt as though I would share it in hopes to share that in some ways it can get better. I never fully recovered from my experience, but I am in a better place than I was when it happened.

Thanks for reading.

Get the coffee ready, this might take a minute

12 Years ago I was staying behind a rite aid with an older woman we shall call "betty" while I am not a saint, (drinking, smoking, meth) she was a wild party girl who claimed she raised her children decent and now it's mommies turn to party. Homeless. (Meth, it's a hell of a drug) Betty and I slung Crack for a local distributor at all hours and when we ran out of product to sell we would sometimes sleep next to each other. Clothes on but she would usually stay next to me for warmth. One morning I wake up and my belt was undone, zipper Un zipped. I was "slimey" around my member. She's awake in a really good mood acting different. When I ask her if she did anything she would smile and turn away. Clearly Date Rape. I call it a huge breach of trust and left it at that. But nonetheless it's date rape.

I've got better since. I have an apartment, and a wife who says men do not get date rated.

I just want to hear other people's perspective on this

There's this memory that has been floating around in my head for so long... it's not Even the full thing just flashes. I remmeber mostly the smells and sounds. But I cant seem to tie it all together.

This one makes me feel so so so so bad. This memory, although only a whisper echos through my mind at almost all hours of the day. Not unlike Tinitus , I've learned to ignore it.

But With therapy it's getting more clear. I feel like I say that alot... I don't remmeber the pain, thankGod, but I can feel the vibration in my chest from being kicked. I can hear the snap. I feel so lightheaded when it happens. The floor jumps up to me and i feel like I need to sit and collect myself. This memory will come to light soon enough. With my hard work it will reveal itself to me. And I'm so fucking scared.

I was assaulted and raped 11 years ago when I was 19-20 for 2 years by a former friend. I’ve told my wife and I only accepted it after we had been married over a year. Another anniversary is coming up and the subject of anal was brought up and she said she could never do it again (we tried before and it went really well for both of us) because anal made her think about me being raped.

I understand and I guess this is a rant but it just made me really sad that something that long ago is effecting someone else in my life and also myself.

I know someone is going to say she’s being selfish, she is not. I don’t really need to hear that.

I won't go into details on this film because I'm still disgusted with it, but for anyone who has seen it, how did you handle it?

While I appreciated the anti-SA message from the 2000's, the way this was done by having 16 year old young men get castrated takes me back to that time when I was confused about seeing a woman in her 30s in secret at 17, and how hopeless it would have been if I confessed to a "trusted adult" about it, or how now at 35 nobody takes me seriously. I guess once you hit 16 or 17 in this country and you're male, it's just a shoulder shrug.

I can't date or engage romantically really. Idk what to do. Whether it's my insecurity in myself or my mistrust in others, I cannot and seemingly will not go too far with someone romantically/sexually. What do I do in this position? I suppose that's my question lol.

I have been looking at this page for a while but nervous to say. I am a gay man but was assaulted by a woman nearly 20 years ago. I have always wondered what my sexuality journey would be like if that hadn't happened. Does anyone feel the same?