Cat pic as tribute

Haiku:

Whiskers in the Sun

Gentle purrs arise,

Sunbeam warms a sleepy cat,

Dreams of birds take flight.

CW: suicide, death, emotional/psychological abuse

For the past couple days, I've been struggling with the intrusion of memories of things my mom with BPD did after my (probably also personality disordered) father's suicide. There are far too many things she did leading up to and post his death to list here, but what I really can't wrap my head around is her hiding my fathers suicide notes for me to find, not once, but on two seperate occasions.

The first time I found them a month after his death, on top of a box she was having me clear out with her in our storage unit. I was still in a state of emotional shock and just started shaking when I saw it. I tried to write this off as a bad coincidence, though it felt like the universe was trying to taunt me and the pain I was going through. Maybe he had placed it there for us to find? I wasn't sure and was too clouded with grief & trauma to understand.

Two years later I go to her place for Christmas. She asks me to go through a box of my old things on Christmas Eve. Same thing happens- I find his suicide note inside the untapped box. I absolutely lost my shit at this and realized that she had most likely planted the note there.

What possible reasons would a mother with BPD do this for? Was she trying to live her emotions through me? Torment me? Test me to make sure this still hurt me? She seemed to bask in my emotional response. It boggles my mind and was a very sadistic thing to do imo, regardless of the reasons.

I've always known my mom was super emotional and in constant conflict with literally everyone around her. I have many vivid memories of being screamed at and degraded over minor offenses in public and in private. She also literally abandoned me to live alone when I was 12, throws massive Karen tantrums in public, loves to threaten suicide and destroy property, and lots of other shit. She has been in 3 marriages and many relationships in between and has been either physically and emotionally abusive to all of those partners. She doesn't talk to any family and rarely kept friends or jobs for longer than a few years. But my mom was on the surface a very high functioning person up until Covid/menopause when she quit working to move 300 miles and live walking distance from me. I also had my first son in that time which seems to have really escalated the weird behavior.

Since then she's gone rapidly downhill, and I've witnessed more unstable and threatening behavior (some of yall may remember a psychotic letter she sent me- I had to take the post down but it was memorable) that culminated in her twice being detained outside my home and me having to get a protection order against her, changing my number, temporarily leaving the city with my family to go into hiding and will ultimately be moving. She literally walked barefoot to my home and tried to break in to do who fucking knows what.

It's been such a jarring experience and I'm still in shock things have gotten to this point. Prior to this my mom made me uncomfortable and anxious but this is a whole new level. I also have some very positive memories with her and it's so hard to reconcile that with the person she is now and hold my ground on no contact. I also really miss my enabling stepdad who I care about a lot and who I worry will ultimately turn against me. I'm already worried about how I will navigate both of their death beds and funerals (is that weird??) they're both in their 50s and fine but I'm already so anxious.

Just wanted to lay my whole-ish story out there, it felt like it could be therapeutic. I appreciate the solidarity I've gotten from this group in the short time I've been a part of it.

Hi y’all! My mother has BPD, which she allows to go completely untreated. My childhood was filled with daily abuses, and I cut her off about 12 years ago. I recently had a baby and I’m afraid of what she may do, I’m assuming she’s already heard that I gave birth but I haven’t heard anything from her as of yet. The last time I saw her was 6 years ago when I arranged a meeting after I found out she had gotten into some of my personal accounts. I’m concerned now because in the past, the holidays have been a big trigger for her. She has tried to contact me and harass me the last few years around this time and I’m worried that with the timing on top of the new baby, she may do something. In the past she has shown up to where I live or contacted my work/friends of mine telling them falsehoods about me. She also has a history of calling CPS with false claims, and reporting family members with completely made up sexual assault allegations against children in her family.

I was encouraged by a therapist to set up another meeting, along with my husband, and sort of indulge her by saying something along the lines of “you’ve done a really good job at respecting my boundaries so far and I’m really proud of you for that. I just wanted to touch base and make sure we still have an understanding of what I need from you.” This idea has gotten mixed reviews from the people in my life, and I’m wondering what your guys’ experiences have been like. I fear if I don’t do something and she ends up showing up at my home, it will really set me back mentally with all of the progress I’ve made with feeling safe and in control.

She does not have my new phone number or a way to contact me—she’s blocked on all my social medias. I did google myself and was able to easily find my address and husband’s name and information. I’m almost positive she is aware of the new baby, as I’m from a small town and word travels very fast.

Do you think meeting with her is a good idea? If not, what are some other options that you can see for me to do at this point in order to feel safe in my home and protect my family?

Link to cute kitty pics :)

https://www.thesprucepets.com/cute-cat-breeds-5176271

My mother is undiagnosed but reading Ann Lawson's book "Understanding the borderline mother", I am sure she is. She was very unstable and anxious when we were young, and became even more so when my father cheated on her. I always felt something was wrong, with me and with my family. My brother tried to commit suicide in his 20ies and that sort of comforted me I the idea that our family was dysfunctionning. Then my sister started scarifying and using drugs. I struggled with anxiety and depression. My parents got divorced and my mother started doing emotional blackmail, gaslighting and guilt tripping. She would call me or my sister to complain or cry every time she was struggling with her life. She would lose her mind and be mean to me or my sister when we did not take care of her and wanted us to visit every weekend. When I was 42 and my sister 32, my sister committed suicide. She had struggled with depression and hallucinations and been diagnosed with bipolar, and also had been let down by her husband, and was back living home with my mother who found her body. After that I went through many depressions and did what I never should have done: get closer to my mother who continued the guilt tripping. I was enmeshed. And lost without my sister. Last year thanks to social media I opened my eyes on what enmeshment and toxic behavior are, as well as CPTSD. I decided to go no contact with my mother to try and save myself. Before doing so I went and talked to her, to explain how her behavior had affected me and my sister. It has been tough and the guilt is strong. After one year without communication I decided to try low contact, to ease my guilt. I went to her place and she chitchatted about the neighbors and other casual stupid stuff. No single word about me going no contact or about the past. I know she is in denial because the truth of what mess she and my father created as parents. But I can't seem to manage to stop seeing her as a poor little girl and feeling guilty. My therapist tells me to move on but this is driving me insane. Sorry for the long post and for repeating my story here in this Reddit forum. It is the only place where I feel seen. Why can't I just move on?

https://images.app.goo.gl/MLZ2uqJ9XkJqFMQb8

This is going to be an essay.

The orange I knew
His motor revved? he loved you
One cell that only loved.

I've been running a merri-go-round of what I now recognize to be BPD behavior from my Mother, Aunt and Father for the past 20 or so years. Before diving headfirst into BDP behavior in my personal relationship, and after a lot of therapy I've come to realize that the 20 year long feud that I coined in therapy as "the pendulum swing" has in fact been the full and repeated cycle ad nauseam.

For as long as I could remember I lived with my three primaries (I haven't begun to try to categorize them but if I had to guess i'd go with waif/queen? mother, witch aunt and enabler father) and they would feud. My Aunt lived with us until 10 when she met her abusive narc ex-husband and She started her own family.

Throughout my childhood I've come to realize that I was treated like a house cat (according to aunt) I was fed and clothed and housed but that was it. This was true, my only childhood memories of doing anything special was with other families, including my aunt and uncle (which came with a whole different slew of traumas). As I grew more aware of what was happening I learned things about my family I shouldn't have known at such a young age, saw and heard things no family member should ever say to one another and never really gave it much though aside from "well...this kinda sucks" (i grew up as an only child, severely bullied and basically shut myself in as defense)

This all came to a head in 2005 when the first occurrence of "the pendulum swing" happened. My mother and Aunt got into a toxic blowout for reasons and stopped speaking to each other entirely. I graduated high school with family sitting on opposite sides of the stadium from each other (college too now that I think about it) because grown ass adults were throwing tantrums and couldn't have a disagreement without nuclear meltdown. This dynamic has been repeating since then and I've been out of the FOG since 2022.

I've been NC with all three of them for a little over a year. I got into a relationship that has a very similar hot-cold dynamic and in my efforts to understand and assist that dynamic I've come to realize the reason I was attracted to it in the first place was my family.

All of this came to light when I started to gain confidence and self esteem, when I started to realize that my words carried weight and I didn't have to tip toe around people who respected my voice. When I started to learn about boundaries in therapy and apply them...that's when it all went to shit. I started to say no to people who were so used to me saying yes that they couldn't handle it and went off the deep end.

Tonight my mothers voice came through my aunt (they're talking again apparently) and when I had asserted myself saying that I wasn't going to have a one sided conversation with her on her terms all I got hit with in return was "why not? why not? do you know how much we've sacrificed" fucking gag. I raised my hands up and said "i've been dealing with this shit from you three for 20 years and I'm done" and I went home. (50'000 view: beggars night in grandmothers neighborhood, I confirmed a week ago that my aunt wasn't going to be there so I could bring my family without contact and then suddenly she's changed her plans, I knew this was going to be a no-win situation for me and I didn't want to bring drama to my grandmothers door so I tried to compromise saying I wanted to see her shortly before going out to get candy with my family, I had no intentions of being anything but cordial with nAunt but this of course goes swimmingly with STBX? idk anymore. There of course was no compromise to be had and we're again separated)

Addendum: in the year I haven't spoken to my mother she's tried

1.) demanding money she's given to me
2.) demanding money she's given to STBX? (idk anymore)
3.) trying to get my attention by changing her name on our shared hulu account (i know I should have removed her ealier - i'm a dumb fuck)
4.) trying to sue us for aforementioned money
5.) pity partied grandmother saying my father fell into a depression and I need to call him
6.) tried contacting me through my alexa (i set theirs up and tied our accounts together, again dumb fuck)
7.) when that failed, she resorted to blasting random noises and alerts through alexa, forcing me to de-register all of their devices

Not one genuine attempt to come to the table in earnest.

oh and according to all FOUR of them (primaries and STBX? idfk anymore) i'm the asshole in all of this. Dude I just want to live my life and enjoy my hobbies.

My (u)BP mother called me at work to tell me about her dog and dropping at doggy daycare. Someone comes into my office, I tell her oh, I have to go someone walked in. She keeps talking. So I ignore her and talk to who is in my office. I pick the phone back up because this will take longer than a second and tell her- I have to go. She tells me she's not done and tells me about some other doggy daycare. Finally, we disconnect. Later she calls me bawling because she had an appointment (I've begged her to see a Dr to get a diagnosis and medication. She agreed and I thought that was the appointment she had). But no, it was a 'Dr' she saw on Facebook about inflammation and their cure all treatment plan starts at $6k. She's crying because she can't afford it but she's dying and I'm (apparently) dying but this is America and only the rich get treatment. She was already upset with me because she wants to declare bankruptcy and wanted me to take out a loan for her. I am not able to do so but am saving up money to pay her rent so she can use that money towards the bankruptcy. So anyway, I just knew I didn't want to go home (she lives with me and we're supposed to split rent and utilities but more times than not I pay part of her portion due to her job hopping or just plain quitting. She's now on semi retirement because she says she's not physically able to work. And sure enough as soon as I step in my house she's made I bought chixken breaststroke instead of thighs and the meat I did buy was wrong and not real and I'm just killing myself and kids. Also she's never cooking for my one (very picky) kid because he's a spoiled brat and said he's not eating chicken. Then she tells me how she can't take this shit anymore and she really needs to move (which is fine with me- I needed the help when my twins were younger and money was real tight but I realized I'm making it and paying 98% of everything) but I also know not to say a word. I just start cooking. But I made too much, I didn't prepare it right to be frozen, blah, blah. Then she starts to tell me she called some other debt person and bust into tears walks away mid sentence. Comes back and goes to her room like an insolent child. I'm just so mad and frustrated. She's mad at a 9 year old kid. She's mad at me because I can't take out a loan to pay for HER bankruptcy. A loan from what I understand I'm supposed to pay back. YEARS ago she cosigned on a car for me. But she bitched so much about it that I took from my 401K to pay for it. She wants to move from this state we live in because the state she wants to go to is magically going to solve all her problems but it's my fault we haven't moved (I like stability and want a job before I move) and I don't have 4k to move across country. Like she's full grown woman. I'm tired of raising her. I've done this shit since I was 7 or so. I just needed to vent. Not many understand how I feel or what I'm dealing with. Thanks for the long read.

My cat is currently made at me for running out of snacks but she is the most virtuous kitty meow meow there is with her head nudges

As long as I can remember, my uBPD mom has been obsessed with giving people…. stuff. When I was a kid, every time we went to a relative’s house, she’d have a bag of “gifts.” Old magazines, impulse purchases, clothes that the gift recipient will never wear, etc. “Mom’s bags” were always a ridiculous family joke.

Whenever I (or my siblings) have moved away, it takes form of boxes (often at enormous shipping costs I know she cannot afford). Those boxes contain about 90 percent crap: usually a bunch of random stuff found at Goodwill. There’ll usually be some of the faintest tangential connection to my life. (Eg, I mentioned years ago that I wrote a research paper about Richard Nixon. Now every time she sees a used book related to Nixon, she buys it for me. I have asked her to stop.) Sometimes it’s a box of old stuff she never disposed of when I was a kid.

Now that I have a kid, it’s even worse. Now the boxes contain highly flammable paper-thin children’s clothes from Shein, used toys (which usually make horrible noises), new toys that aren’t related to our kid’s interests. She also is sure to throw in a bunch of random cowboy/horse/western stuff that she’s obsessed with but that my kid is not remotely into.

For some additional context: she is also a hoarder. Walls of kitschy crafty knick-knacks have adorned every place she’s lived. She’s in a constant cycle of buying and returning things. She at one point had 14 cats. She just has a strange relationship to objects: she doesn’t know how to admire something from afar. She has to possess all the things and hold them close as possible.

I’m trying to figure out the bags/boxes in that light. Part of it is that she doesn’t make an effort to really know any of us in a meaningful way: she is playing a numbers game. If I give them 50 things, 1 is sure to stick. I think part of it is a lack of empathy: she doesn’t understand that other people don’t relate to objects the same way as her. But I think some of it is just trolling for attention. If she (or rather, my eDad) sends the box, she imagines us opening the box. She has an opening wedge for a conversation: did you like your box? It’s a way she can know she’s taking up physical and temporal space in my life, even from hundreds of miles away.

I was just wondering if this is a quirk of my mom, or a wider tendency of BPD folks—I’d be curious if this resonates!

I was reflecting on something which puzzled me and was an agonizing process overall.

I was living with an elderly uBPD, and this is when I first discovered BPD, learned about FOG, started setting boundaries, and watched her explode and escalate to inconceivable heights.

It was extremely overwhelming, she SA-ed me, but not "enough" to be taken seriously by others. My anxiety reached its highest and I knew I needed some serious help and I began to set boundaries of NC.

What got me recently is this: I think NC was actually working. It was not ideal for her, but I needed my space, and she couldnt really do anything about it. I felt nervous about going NC with her while living in her house still, extremely self-conscious. I had heard all sorts of criticism about how I was a terrible cold unloving granddaughter taking advantage of this "poor" 🙄 "helpless" 🙄 generous old lady.

I mean the result of NC included this. She sought other sources of companionship and service for herself. As a queen/witch/waif, (honestly she exhibits all 3 in a cyclical way) she got enabler to find some private help for her for some tasks. She became HIGHLY reliant on enabler at this point. There is really no one else who would stay in contact with uBPD to that degree either.

My peaceful bout of NC continued until armageddon basically. And this is the part that confuses me. My BPD had been hinting that she could kick me out at any time, but I decided to tell myself it was a threat (out of her fear of abandonment). And so to put a stop to my anxious agony in uncertainness, I told myself to not take the bait, and just mindfully/therapeutically practice to refocus on prioritizing myself (for once). Like eating and still watching my tv shows (without her). Well somehow I actually got kicked out. It was a weird situation, something with her housing agreement not allowing guests, unless they are govt appointed carers or something. I was honestly shocked. I am still in shock. So I was instructed to leave, but by who? By her flying monkey. An enabler. An enabler who had gone to lengths to continue caretaking my elderly uBPD, and honestly, after my NC was the only one left standing.

At first with the government stuff I thought okay, to my sudden knowledge maybe this is not simply a uBPD drama triangle issue, maybe it's a real serious government thing and I should just let my uBPD's antics go.

But honestly. I kept asking to see papers and it was not shown to me. For the first time I considered if the enabler, exhausted at caretaking this waify witch, but still doing so by obligation, got frustrated that I was "unfairly" "selfishly" undeservingly leaving the "duties" of caretaking uBPD all to them.

I know for a fact that BPD–when I first moved to hers–would gloat about me to everyone, it honestly disturbed me, it was a reflection of her desirability, which she weaponized to her advantage. She painted an image of herself in which she was worthy of approval and constant doting by her granddaughter and so therefore others * might * also extend some help like a lunch meal here or a drive to an appointment there. But this probably started to infuriate the enabler, hearing about me all of the time? Especially when I began withdrawing. My uBPD switched and started victimizing herself and saying that I dont want to help her. (I used to lose sleep over helping her, of course that doesnt matter now.) And now my highly braggable help doesn't fit her new story.

So I think it was likely both. I think the government stuff was probably serious, but it hadn't escalated into anything yet. But I recall asking my uBPD and the enabler about the living arrangement, and I was not given much information. Why didn't anyone tell me about it? After I left, there was no further contact. And by the way, it was uBPD who asked me to move in initially. Then, as she told me to leave, she told me not to mess things up for her housing security. Get real. Was I a pawn in some game the whole time? uBPD definitely exaggerated her generosity about "letting" me stay there, and puffed up the threat of eviction, honestly I dont think she entirely understood what her lease was. But I think enabler must have had a better idea?? I had asked about it before I even moved in. The response was eh it's fine just dont go making a scene obviously. And I was not the first person to live there, either. My uBPD even charged people for rent money (under the table of course) to complicate matters. Jesus.

It's been 11 months since my mom passed and my dad has been trying to get me to fill the caretaker role. If he had it his way it would be daily phone calls where I just sit and listen to everything he wants to say (No background noise allowed, so I can't also do chores), which can often be a near repeat of what was said the day before, including a bunch of topics that I have asked him not to talk about because they are inappropriate or make me feel terrible about myself.

About 5 months ago I finally started to enforce boundaries because it's clear he doesn't care about me or anything I am going through, or at least the level of care is far below a mature adjusted adult. I have stated over and over that I will talk to him once a week, later in the week, after work hours. It's gotten a tiny bit better, but not really. Every day EVERY DAY I get a minimum of one phone call and/or text, and it always includes, "Call me! Please call me!" He does the creepy, "Just want to hear your voice." When we do finally talk he spends a portion of the time going after me for not calling him. Before my mom passed I only spoke to both of them once every other week, for reference.

It's also somewhat harder because there is definitely something wrong with his memory, whether that's medical or substance related, likely both. What can I do to get him to stop or how do I respond other than the same, "We've been over this before, once a week" statement? I'm not ready to cut off contact.

I've been running through this guy's videos and thought I would share. They are extremely helpful, as a scapegoat, as someone who wants to heal but doesn't know how, and who wants to understand why PDs act the way they do. I know the last one is asked all the time on here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMY8qsV2oOU

Back story: I found these videos after my dad gave me 1/3 as much inheritance from a grandparent as the other grandchildren (he was executor). He's always put money above everyone and everything, but I couldn't understand why he would steal the equivalent of <1% of his net worth from me. That should be chump change. But that's not the way core wounds in PDs work, as this video kindly showed me.

(My dad is divorced from by BPD mom for the last 35 years).

The other day was my birthday. My dad started talking with my husband about how, when he divorced my mom, her whole family, with whom he’d always gotten along well, turned their backs on him because my mom had spoken very badly about him. He then shared how, years later, they reached out to tell him they realized what she’d said wasn’t true. I had mixed feelings about this: first, it was my birthday, and I wasn’t eager to talk about my mom, and second, I was surprised to see him with teary eyes while recounting this, especially since it happened over 30 years ago, like the trauma is still there.

During a presentation I did yesterday about a book I am launching, my dad told one of the people introducing me in the panel that he was my father and that I was the only good thing he’d done in his life.

I don’t know how to feel about this comment. I feel a bit sad by it. He probably did it as a compliment but I don’t know why I feel sad thinking about it.

Hi Y’all

I’ve been NC and doing the work for about 5 years now. I figured I’d drop a list of what I’ve been doing here because I’m feeling shit loads better and want to share what helped me. Will also drop my booklist in case it’s useful. Thanks to this community for the solidarity and support along the way.

These aren’t really in order. I wasn’t able to do people touching me bodywork much until I got through a lot of the trauma with therapy, others could be the total opposite. I experienced CSA so that is it’s own added bonus to work through and worked through in the same way I dealt with the RBB stuff.

0. Time. If you’re RBB, you’ve effectively been in an abusive relationship your whole life. It won’t heal from a single treatment/session/book It will take years. It will feel cyclical at times. Bigger things will come up once your body learns it is safe so it will feel like stepping back but it isn’t. It WILL get better and you WILL get stronger with every step you take on your healing journey. Reminder - rock bottom is really solid footing to walk on.

1. Make sure your physical health/gut/hormones are in good shape. Good HRT specialists are life savers if you’re having an issue. If your hormones are off you’re going to feel like shit no matter what you do. Don’t let your PCP tell you you’re fine if you’re not fine. But also sometimes symptoms really are somatic so #2 is for that.

   - I guess I’ll mention that learning to advocate for myself medically was part of this journey and involved some EMDR.

   - Fish oil, 5htp, Magnesium L Threonate and L-GABA/Theanine supplements have been really helpful to me getting restful sleep, ymmv.

2. EMDR (x1000). I did several years of work with a therapist in office and eventually learned to DIY. Do NOT recommend DIY unless you genuinely know what you’re doing.

3. Learning about dissociation and Internal Family Systems/parts.

   - I think dissociation is one of the most overlooked parts of how RBBs respond to life and it is really critical to look into.

4. Learning about fucked up family dynamics and how I was applying those to myself internally

   - this also includes learning how to reparent yourself (hint - it looks nothing like my parents did it)

   - boundaries, self care, talking nice to yourself, cleaning a house, eating correctly for your body, etc

5. Connect Pelvic Floor Fitness (Caroline Packard DPT) teaches you how to breathe correctly and neuromuscular connection between breath and physical work

6. Ashiatsu massage - deep enough to actually release things

7. Myofascial release massage - lots of trauma gets stored in our fascia and can keep us in muscular/joint pain. This technique is incredible and life altering IMO. Really helped fix my jaw clenching.

8. Craniosacral/somato-emotional release - this body/energy work really helped bring out some deep seated issues that I had trouble accessing with EMDR.

9. Acupuncture - more freeing stuck energy, grief, etc from the body. Really helpful with insomnia IMO.

   - ear points for trauma/grief

10. Rebirthing breathwork - more releasing stuck stuff in my body

11. Some forms of plant medicine have been really useful to me

12. Yoga - the gentle restorative kind (yin for fascia release)

13. Eventually meditation. I couldn’t really meditate until recently after enough EMDR but now find it helpful.

    - tonglen meditation was a live one for finding triggers

14. I do reiki on myself

15. I listen to different sound healing tracks on Insight Timer

16. Recovering my connection to something larger than myself/spirituality

Booklist:

Trauma:

CPTSD - from surviving to thriving - Walker

The Body Keeps The Score - Van Der Kolk

Trauma and Recovery - Herman

No Bad Parts - Schwartz 

Dissociation:

Coping with Trauma Related Dissociation - Boone

Shame and such:

I thought it was just me - Brene Brown  (geared at women)

Gifts of Imperfection - Brene Brown 

Rising Strong - Brene Brown

Braving the Wilderness - Brene Brown 

Radical Acceptance - Tara Brach 

Facing Codependency - Pia Mellody

Loyal to a Fault - Courtney Burg (Christian perspective)

Family dynamics:

Good Inside - Dr. Becky 

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - Gibson

The Narcissistic Family - Pressman

The Drama of the Gifted Child - Miller

Emotional Blackmail - Forward 

Attached - Levine

(If borderline mom) Understanding Borderline Mothers - Lawson

(If borderline in life) Stop Walking On Eggshells - Mason, Krueger

Sexual abuse:

Secret Survivors - Blume

Trauma and Recovery - Herman 

Courage to Heal WORKBOOK (not the book book) 

Incest and Sexuality - Maltz (getting back to sex) 

Other helpful things:

The Book of Forgiving - Desmond Tutu

The Anatomy of Peace/Leadership in Self Deception - Arbinger Institute 

4 Agreements Toltec Wisdom - Ruiz

When the Body Says No - Gabor Mate 

Yamas and Niyamas - Adele

The Kleshas - Adele 

Drawing on the right side of the brain - Edwards

Shakti Rising - Chinnaiyan

Therapist level stuff:

Internal Family Systems - Schwartz

EMDR 3rd Ed. - Shapiro 

Polyvagal Theory - Porges 

Hi guys, I’m the one who just had her birthday and asked about “when to take over” when my uBPD mom stopped taking care of herself.

About five months ago, Mom started this thing where she got scammed, and instead of following the advice that I, my bf, and family have given her, she made it 100000x worse. She keeps texting the scammers back, has not gone to a professional, and scared us to death 4 weeks ago when she claimed that someone was watching her from her house.

And I said “Mom, I don’t want to hear about this phone scam thing anymore. I need you to take care of yourself and take care of this.”

A few days ago, she called me on her neighbor’s phone (she is not close with neighbors, she isolates) said that I never wanted to talk to her any more. *and instead of going to the store, getting and new phone, or talking to a professional like we’ve been begging her to do.

She smashed her phone with a mallet. And I said “call me on your new phone, Mom. You can do it”

She hasn’t called yet… I stayed up all night crying because I’m worried she’s dead. I’m worries because she wont take care of herself. I feel like I’m losing my mom even though I’ve felt like a parent all of my life. She’s killing herself slowly and letting her do it is killing me too. (She’s a waif.)

My bf who means well keeps saying the wrong things. This morning he asked “When are you going to check up on your mom?” He gets that my Mom is emotionally abusive, but he still doesn’t understand. That question is like a punch in the gut. I’ve asked him to do research on this as well if he wants to help me.

Am I doing the right thing? Should I do a wellness check??? I live an hour away.

Anyone else being assaulted by hourly(minute?) texts from low-contact parent who is desperate for photos of grandkid(s) they'll try to use show off to others on "my Facebook!" despite your clear objections not to post pictures of your children on social media?? And also, holiday dread has set in hard... 👻

Hi, this has been the year that my eyes have been opened to finally see that I have been a rescuer for my mum my whole life and I am now in my 40s! My journey started by trying to understand why I have suffered from back pain for many years, why I have been constantly tired as well, after many tests and scans there is nothing obviously wrong with me!? I ended up being referred to a clinical phycologist and she has helped me open up about myself and what it all boiled down to was that I have a very low self esteem, feel everything is my fault and I have an over whelming feeling of wanted to fix everything and everyone and the common denominator was my mum! Since July after a falling out with her I started to look into her symptoms and discovered BPD and then found you guys! Honestly this sub has helped validate what I'm feeling more than anything and all the books I have now read is all starting to make sense but I am now in a place of acknowledging my mum and what she is, seeing the behavior but every time she does or says something in THAT way I instantly get anxiety and go into panic mode as I'm now questioning and trying to change my interactions with her. I have always jumped to her demands and moods to smooth things out, calm down situations and realized I've spent my life second guessing what she will do and to try plan and control situations to make them as pain free as possible. Now my eyes are open and I can see all the manipulation infront of me, she still sends me into panic mode! The next step feels like the hardest as in moving through into some sort of acceptance and not feeling any sort of anxiety, for those of you who have been through this, does it get easier?

I (21 F) haven’t spoken to my mother in about 4 years. I’m starting to forget all of the abuse. My brother (25) used to reach out to her occasionally, but it always ended poorly.

Sometimes I get nightmares about her dying and I feel very anxious. My grandma told me she had surgery this summer, I’m not sure what it was for. I know that she really fucked me up, but I feel a lot of love for her (from a distance). I feel really sorry for her because I know she is all alone. I feel guilty for never telling her she has BPD and a narcissist (she’s undiagnosed), but I don’t know if that would change anything.

I’m thinking about texting her and saying that I would love to have a relationship with her again if she started attending therapy consistently and could prove to me she’s working on her issues. There seems to be no harm for me because I can always just ignore her texts if she gets angry. I just feel guilty that even though she pushed us away with abuse, she is really just an abused child herself and we all just gave up on her because she’s broken.

I know its not my responsibility to do anything, but I haven’t been doing anything for years and I wonder if something could change if I gave her the opportunity?

Has anyone realized that they gravitate towards people with BPD traits after being raised by a borderline? My mom has BPD and my dad has OCD, so I find myself drawn to friends with both profiles.

Hi everyone,

My uBPD mom doesn’t, and hasn’t, liked me, not since i could speak and think independently. We are low contact right now, which works pretty well for me and my family dynamic.

However, I’m 22 and it makes me sad when I realize I don’t have the relationship with my mother that all my friends have. We talk (about serious things) pretty infrequently, usually just about tasks, purchases, or things coming up. It makes me sad to have such a shallow relationship with my mother, but given the fact I was considering no contact 6 months ago, I think this is the current best case scenario.

Any advice or support?

A little context that you can see in my last few posts, I (26 F) cut contact with my whole family a little over a year ago after my mother (very emotionally and verbally abusive and manipulative) spread lies to all four of my siblings and their spouses telling them I have BPD (I don't, this has been confirmed by a psychiatrist), that my husband was leaving me because I treat him bad, and that I was about to unalive myself. She then told my siblings not to talk to me about it because my sister had told her all of these things and if I found out that my sister told her, our relationship would be over. Total triangulation. My siblings finally told me this happened a few months later where I clarified that none of those things were true, and a couple of months after that I realized I couldn't put up with it all anymore, I needed space from my mom.

Now, as sucky as my mom is, this post is actually about returning to a relationship with my siblings. They are very much still enmeshed. My parents pay for things for them, they live in houses in the same neighborhood as my parents that my parents bought for them that they pay rent to my parents for, their kids have a relationship with my parents, etc. I am the only one of five to get away and truly understand how horrible my mother is. But I miss them and love them and I know how hard it is to understand how toxic an environment is when they are still in the middle of it. I am the only kid who went out of state for college and built a whole life for myself away from home, and the longer I was away, the more I finally saw how fucked up it all was. I cut all of my family off to make it simple so my mom wouldn't manipulate their contact with me or pressure them for information about me, and for my own sake to not have pressure to come back to the family from my siblings.

All this to say, I got a text from my sister-in-law today. I told her a few months ago I was willing to hear from her every once in awhile because I trusted her (well for the most part I do). This is what it said,

"Hey (my name). Been thinking about you a lot lately. I hope you and (husbands name) are doing well. I saw that you moved into a house! That's awesome! And your cat seems to be keeping you entertained. We started to figure out plans for thanksgiving and it made me miss you. I know it's really hard for everyone that you haven't been around..... Have you thought about reinstating contact with any other family? I know the longer you go without contact, the harder it will be..." (I typed this out instead of posting a screenshot to hopefully make this reddit post less easily recognizable if she were to see the post)

This whole paragraph is a lot of words to ask... Is it possible to have a good relationship with just my siblings even though they are still close to my mom? Is her text manipulative at all? It feels pressured but I don't know if that's just because of the weight of all the time apart from them. I don't want to read it wrong... and I don't know what to do. Does anybody have any similar experiences?

Time 1: she told me she hated me. Flat. Slowly. “I…haaay-eet…you.” No affect.

Time 2: she wasn’t as out of it and was ambulatory. She hit the dog, and later screamed bloody murder at the top of her lungs because she was upset about something.

This is my mother, apparently? That’s her pure personality? Is anesthesia wrong? Does it elicit reactions that don’t align with the personality? I know in people with severe ptsd, they can get combative, but this wasn’t a fright response, it was different.

I think about the times I’ve been “high” after surgery, and I talked happily with people, told them ALL about my life and my dreams. I wouldn’t have told anyone that I hate anyone for any reason.

It’s been a while since I’ve been in this sub, and this just came to mind today, along with moments that keep creeping in of disbelief of what she has said and done. Memories. I have to say, NC has been good for me. The drama and trauma has just…stopped. It’s no longer a constant bombardment into my life. I don’t feel safe yet because of her proximity to certain factors in my life, but I feel relief. I strongly recommend it. There’s no more pain, not anymore.

I'm 21, and two months ago, I went no-contact with my mother after a major fallout in which she “disowned” me. Since then, I’ve felt a huge relief being away from her, though I sometimes worry she might not be alive because she has no income and is very mentally unstable.

Growing up, I dealt with constant self-esteem issues, depression, stress, guilt, and self-loathing, which often left me feeling dysfunctional and stuck in self-sabotaging cycles. Even as a child, I would stress about everything and spiral into hating myself over the smallest things. Logically, I knew I didn’t need to be so hard on myself, but emotionally, I couldn’t break the cycle. For a long time, I blamed myself, and chalked it up to me being "messed up in the head." I didn’t fully understand that my painful self-perception and problematic behaviors could be tied to the environment I grew up in. I tried to not let her hurtful words and actions affect me directly, so I thought everything was fine. However, I didn't realize the absence of a loving family altogether is just as damaging indirectly.

Now that I’m away from her, I’m starting to see how much her abuse, emotional incest, neglect, and manipulative behavior have impacted me. I was raised solely by her, and she's always treated me as a substitute husband, slave, caretaker, and therapist. Everything a child shouldn't be basically. She had no friends, no job, and no one but me, and she pressured me into meeting all of her emotional and practical needs. And if I failed to do so, things would get really bad and unsafe. I've always kept my mouth and never really learned to set any boundaries to this day.

I’ve wanted to leave for a long time, and now that I finally have, I feel both free and regretful, like I'm nothing and my life and potential are completely wasted. I really want my past to not be an anchor, but a source of determination to make something of myself, but I’m struggling to get through even a single day being “normal” without spiraling into extremely negative emotions. It’s always the same, over and over, and I’m exhausted from living this way. The worst part is that I’m fully aware of my patterns and try, logically, to regulate my thoughts and emotions. But despite my efforts, my synapses in the brain or whatever just seems to do what they want, and nothing really changes. If I don’t find a way to break out of this, I’ll end up like my dysfunctional, victim of the world mother, and that I refuse.

I feel stunted, as if I missed out on crucial personal, mental and social development because I spent so much of my life isolated and focused on meeting my mother’s needs. I'm doing the motions of living and trying to not let my work and studies fall apart because of my internal struggles. Sometimes I get caught up in surface level things and forget for a while. But by the end of the day, when it all comes crashing back, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever truly be happy. Or if I’ll ever manage to bring my nervous system out of this constant state of extreme stress. I spend my days surrounded by friends and people with lives very similar to mine, studying the same field and sharing similar routines. Seeing how they handle the same events and challenges with ease, without being so deeply affected, often leaves me feeling out of place. I wish I could share in that sense of normalcy too. I constantly swing between feeling motivated to work on myself and my goals to make up for all the time I’ve lost, and sinking into isolation, deep dysfunction, depression, and doubt whenever I hit even a small obstacle. So I end up not progressing in anything at all.

I know the obvious answer is therapy, and while I’d love to pursue that, it’s just not financially possible for me right now, so I’m navigating this on my own. Any advice would be deeply appreciated, and I’d be grateful to hear about your own experiences, how you're doing, and what’s helped you along the way. Thank you for reading!

Haiku:
Two tails and eight paws - They were there when she was mad - Purred until I smiled

First of all, I have to thank everyone in this sub, it has been incredibly validating to read all of your stories! This is going to be a long story, but I really want get it off my chest.

TL;DR: After years, I finally see my uBPD mom for who she is, all because of me reading about “the stare” on this subreddit. 

I did not truly realise the extent of my uBDP mom’s behaviour until I was 24 (I’m 28 years old now): she got really mad, but this time, besides the verbal assault, it got physical. She started throwing things at me and pushed me back violently while screaming. I finally went to therapy and a lot of memories from the age of 14 until 18(when I left) came back: 

Her unpredictable outbursts felt as if she’d “gone away”; uncontrollably screaming, smashing her fists or whole body against the couch, insulting me, guilt-tripping me, slamming doors and crying hysterically. I never knew when to expect them. She’d also get annoyed with me for being sad and not sharing anything. When I did she’d almost always find something wrong with it or simply didn’t react to it at all (like she truly couldn’t comprehend what I was saying). 

She had episodes of paranoia in which she used to think the upstairs neighbour had a drug lab and couldn’t sleep because of it. She got disproportionally annoyed about random things, like the price of a gift I bought for a friend, or at me and my boyfriend for buying flowers for his mother (“SHE gets flowers?? You never get ME flowers. She’s not even a nice person!!!”). She critiqued my friends, trivialised my feelings, she dismissed me and laughed at me when I told her things like “I think I have adhd” and “I think I have a concussion” (in both cases, I turned out to be right). 

One of the most bizarre memories is from the time my dad divorced my mom when I was 14. Shortly after he moved out (and moved out of the country) I found her in the attic. She was blind with rage, stabbing a painting which was my dad’s, with a huge kitchen knife, screaming and crying. I panicked, ran down and locked myself in the bathroom. She came after me hysterically crying and apologising, screaming to unlock the door for a good 15 minutes. She also stalked my dad and threatened him with violence via email/phone after he left. She even threatened to shoot him. She even went on a holiday to the country he moved to, years after the divorce, searched up his address and aggressively confronted him at his house. She scared the shit out of him.

She was always the victim and everything was about her, especially when she was ill. The crying and the “you didn’t bring me tea, you don’t ask me how I feel (I did)… and you are the one that’s going to take care of me when I’m old…?” “I can never do anything right”. I hated it. All of this alternated with her being so sweet, saying she loves me, complimenting me excessively, wanting to hug me all the time (her hugs do not feel real to me). In public, she was always happy and ‘so proud of her daughter’. She always bragged to her friends about things I’d done and frequently took credit by saying things like “it must be because of how I raised her”.

I strengthened my boundaries during that year while processing all of it. Contact with my mom became less frequent. It wasn’t until a few months ago that I found this subreddit and read about “the stare”. I had forgotten, but I immediately saw flashes of my mom staring, and I remember sitting back and saying “Oohhh. Shit.” The severity of it all finally dawned on me. Remembering that was a total mindfuck. How her eyes can turn so dark I will never fucking understand. I can still see her rage stare in fights. I remember not wanting to sit in the living room because I’d catch her staring at me weirdly or just staring into the void.. More memories followed of her stonewalling me, her exploding in public and walking away, people asking me if I need help, me saying ‘no I’m okay’ and running after her, her verbal abuse (“piece of shit”, “go live somewhere else, I’m done with you”, “drama queen”, “you only bring sadness”, “spoiled princess”) and her sending me to therapy after her rage fits because she’s ‘concerned’, and she ‘doesn’t recognise me anymore’.

I was dead inside as a teen. The numbness got so bad that I started secretly enjoying it and/or laughing when I heard her getting frustrated by herself. I also remember lying awake at night thinking, “what if she hurts me while I’m sleeping?”. I used to feel insane for thinking that (what’s weird though, is that when I got up sometimes, she’d always notice and call my name immediately, even if it was in the dead of night—and I had a very quiet step). And of course, she doesn’t remember anything— just the “good times!”. 

I suffered severe anxiety over the years. When the memories came back I had recurring nightmares of her hurting me and terrible night terrors. Because of  this sub, I finally started reading books like “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and “Adult Children of Immature Parents” and it was like they had been secretly writing about my life. It was a complete breakthrough and it has helped me so, so much. I’ve had a good amount of therapy and I have worked on myself a lot(and still am). I do wonder if there’s more suppressed memories that’ll come up, since that has been happening every few months. They don’t scare me anymore though, I just go “Damn. That’s fucked up” and write it down. I am LC with her at the moment, which is not going well (surprising, right?), but that’s for another post. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this very long post and a hug to anyone who needs it. I’m really glad to have found you all, take care! 

So, a funny story that actually doesn't involve me at all with my uBPD mom. This is long because I am including my story for context, too. If you have read my story, skip to the *****.​

Backstory- My mom convinced us to move back to my hometown 5 years ago because she was suddenly supposedly going to church and a whole new woman... and I bought it because I didn't know what BPD was at the time and was desperate for a real relationship with my mom.

She immediately began trying to convince my dad was having an affair and she didn't know where he was (she later slipped up and revealed she did), bragging about poisoning her neighbor's dog with xylitol, and just generally being crazy.

I developed ovarian cancer and I believe it was in part because of the insane stress she put me through. She was a real treat while I was going through chemo the first time around, insisting on going with me to appointments but being a total PITA, etc. As soon as I got into remission, I went back to being her unpaid therapist and being treated like dirt. It all culminated in her physically attacking me and ripping out a huge chunk of the hair I had regrown. I had multiple scratches and bruises all over me and- even more fun!- I was still technically in maintenance treatment because ovarian cancer has such a high rate of recurrence, so I bruised super easily from low platelets. To get her off me, I had to hit her and she actually screamed iny face "What kind of daughter punches their mother?" and "I would never hit you in the face!" (She has. Multiple times as a teen and early 20 something.) I reported the attack to the police but stupidly forgave her when she promised to get into therapy.

I was diagnosed with PTSD because of it and afterwards, my tumor markers went haywire.. They never came down again. I was diagnosed with a recurrence and am now stage 4 and praying for one more round of remission so I can at least spend a few more years with my husband and daughters.

She stopped therapy and is just as bad as ever, so I just stopped even trying.
She still parades my illness around town, pretending we are besties and asking for prayer, despite us barely speaking. (Note, I have nothing against prayer at all. I'm grateful for it. But you don't tear your sick daughter's hair out and then legitimately ask for prayer for her.) I want nothing to do woth her and have become pretty hardened to her nonsense. Call me bitter, whatever. It keeps me from falling back into the cycle.

******
Anyhoo- during all of this, she was going through a transition in her ​work life. Her old boss was selling his company and it infuriated her that she wasn't getting to buy it. She refused to work with the guy who was buying it, so she left but she is constantlytrying to undermine this guy's business because she hates him.

Recently, she called me absolutely giddy that there was some drama going on with her old employer. She told me that someone used a "burner phone" to text one of her current co-workers as well as the man who bought her old place of employment with details about knowing their past arrest records. (One was a parking ticket and the guy she hates had a DUI in college.) She kept going on about how it was so genius and how the current coworker wouldn't be harmed by it at all since it wasn't a big deal to have an unpaid parking ticket.

The funny thing is, everyone involved could see just how obvious it was that it was her who did this. The wording was just like her, the way she was so excited about how "genius" the texts were, and just the fact that no one else is as bat sh*t crazy as she is to do this made it totally obvious.

I point blank asked her if she did it and she denied it, but I could tell she was lying.

Eventually, she got into it with the guy who bought the business and asked him "Oh, so do you want a war?"

Around this time, her new boss tried to talk to her about a disagreement she had with a new co-worker and my mom told her "I don't give a f*** what he or anyone else here does," which went over about as you would expect.

I think it is absolutely hilarious that now most of her co-workers also believe she sent the text messages and are seeing a side of her that no one previously saw. They are all very standoffish to her because they know she's not right and it is SO FREAKING VALIDATING. Like, this is the crazy BS I have been dealing with my whole life and now people actually know about it.

Anyway, sometimes when people are absolute A-holes, you can just sit back and watch the implosion from their own actions.

My BPD mom emailed me out of the blue after refusing to talk to me for 6 months, no contact whatsoever for over 6 months, she didn't even contact me on my birthday.

Her email is filled with FOG and manipulation and poor her stories and what a victim she is. I used to fall for that BS but thankfully after lots of therapy I can laugh at some of it now because it's so absurd. Of course there's no apology or consideration for my feelings at all, and I'm supposed to just pretend like things are fine for Christmas and she wants to know what I want for a Christmas present lol.

The insanity!

Thx for listening.

i’m having a hard time today tbh. i have like no motivation and just ended my work day early because i got soaked in the rain. i came home and instantly knew that my mom (dBPD) was mad. i’ve hardly seen her for days because she’s been in bed.

i have had to grey rock my entire life, and i’m sick of it. i want to express my emotions, even if it runs the risk of setting her off. i don’t want to walk on eggshells anymore. so in rebellion to years of shrinking myself so she can take up all the space, i simply shared that i just got soaked in the rain, and it did indeed set her off. the first thing she says is “i don’t care about anything right now.” gee, mom. thank you for saying you don’t care about me! then, she goes on and on about how cruel my dad is to her; how he yelled at her for asking for money for therapy; how she’s quitting therapy (it doesn’t help any way, she said); and just completely disregarding me and my feelings. she was complaining about how disgusting the kitchen is. i’ve been majorly not okay, and i feel constant obligation to clean up after her and maintain the entire house while also working a very demanding full time job and struggling with my overall health. she cooked like 3 meals at once, most of it wasn’t eaten, and she left all the dishes out to rot. i did not clean it, and i will not clean it. i’d rather eat out until i move out than be cleaning up after her constantly. she doesn’t take out the trash. she doesn’t do the litter box. she doesn’t do her clothes conveniently until the day i do my clothes, and then that’s a problem. she gets up for like 2 or 3 days at a time and adds to the mess before retreating back to her room and leaving it for me to clean up. she’s whine and waif and cry about feeling guilty for me cleaning, but she doesn’t freaking do it herself.

i’m sorry this is long. i just needed to get some of this off my chest. i’m so tired of being in the FOG. i literally sit in fearful anticipation of the slamming doors. i wait for the screaming. i dread and dread. i just don’t want to do this anymore.

Hello RBBs! Experienced an exasperating memory unlock today, triggered by news stories this week (possible dystopian teen period tracking) and waking up with a headache.

Did anyone else’s pwBPD’s enmeshment extend into medical complaints?

It’s just now really dawning on me how fervent my mom was about insisting I shared her medical problems, and how enraged she was whenever I had problems she didn’t share.

Childhood migraines? Clearly yes. Did not need medical diagnosis, I had them just like her. 100% of “migraines” were solved with Advil and being left the hell alone. I also didn’t need treatments for headaches at school because I was faking.

Hemophilia carrier? Also yes, because it was medically undeniable. I’m not sure if I was a bad kid for inherenting this from my dad, but I was definitely a bad kid for getting bruises “on purpose” that made me look like she was hitting me. (She absolutely was, just on my back and scalp)

Period trouble, especially the time I had an 8+ week period? Evil slutty child! Obviously lying about not kissing boys who liked my big boobs! Evil burden for needing birth control pills when we didn’t have insurance!

Extra evil and sneaky liar for getting my grandparents to drive me home from school once a month for period cramps! I just wanted to play hooky! They can’t be that bad! I just want back on the pill so I can have sex with all the boys who like my giant boobs! HOW DARE I WANT HER TO BUY ADVIL OR MIDOL?! My sister could eat pills again because she was mad we couldn’t afford gymnastics! SELFISH.

————- Flash forward 20ish years, and I’m telling my mom I might be TTC next year. She decides to tell me how terrible it was being in labor with me. How she had sooooo much back labor with me, and she had never experienced pain like that before because she never really got period cramps.

I now think I never had childhood migraines. I think I was dehydrated and anemic because I’m a picky eater, and I’ve always had seasonal allergies. Today’s headache was mostly resolved with stretching and water, and a nasal rinse should finish it off after work. None of that has ever worked for mommie dearest.

My cat is so clean I pat her furry tummy She scowled at me

I remember a lot of instances as a kid where my mom would say or do something really cruel or judgmental in front of other people, then expect me to join in or laugh-which I did when I was too young to understand. It made my mom happy when I acted the way she wanted me to.

I remember as I got older and gained context for the world around me I would feel ashamed instead because what she said was dehumanizing. I didn't want to laugh, and I'd try to bring up that what she said or did was hurting the 3rd party- that's when I was told I couldn't possibly know that the person she devalued felt that way. I was lying. I was making things up. I was "socially anxious" and dellusional. I was telling stories I made up. I was hallucinating, but I wasn't any of those things. Watching her hurt people was just painful.

Looking back, I can tell she can't read social cues, she felt rejected and projected her own issues onto me because I was gaining autonomy. I wasn't her perfect baby doll to project herself onto anymore.

A new kitty cat/ Little whiskers, fuzzy ears/ Comes home on Thursday

Hey all, I wanted to run something by you. I'm new to understanding all of this, so I'll try to use the agreed upon terms but pardon me if I get it slightly wrong.

My mom is the typical Witch I suppose, and while neither my brother nor I had amazing childhoods, I would say he was her scapegoat while I was the golden child of sorts. I say of sorts because she was aweful to me as well but he was the one she picked out from the beginning to be her bane of existence, while I was "the only sunshine left in [her] life." The thing is, though, that I think I knew from a very very young age that she was wrong, while my poor brother was always enamored of her. I think I was able to see it because I was largely ignored and so I was able to just witness all the cruelties she heaped on my older brother, while he kind of just ate it up and internalized it. "Your brother is so fat/bad/mean/crazy/etc.," was a daily riff and while I was able to look and see that what she said was just pretty objectively false, my brother believed her. Whenever I would try to talk to him about her, he was always instantly on her side and telling me I was the one being unreasonable because she deserves sympathy and she's doing her best and wasn't her childhood just so horrible and fuck dad he treats her so badly blah blah blah. (My dad doesn't treat her badly, she makes up stories about him though. They're still together.) Like I'm not even getting into all the shit she did to him, I've never understood how he could defend her like that.

Anyways, he has two little boys under 3 years old now, and he recently called me very emotional about how mom treated him. He's had the epiphany, looking at his own boys, that mom is bonkers. He kept saying, "How can a parent look at their beautiful little boy and say, 'you're bad?'." This is on top of a sort of intervention his in laws had with him about hitting his children. He never saw that mom did bad, and so when he had kids of his own, he too used excessive force. When his in laws finally got through to him about it, that was another call. He was so ashamed of himself and suddenly came to realize how completely unreasonable and out of control our mother was to hurt us like that as little children. He's understandably really torn between extreme hurt and extreme anger at our mother right now, and I think he's also still internalizing a bunch of the stuff that she did. Both of us have a lot of discomfort around talking about it, I think we're both a little too wary of "victimizing" ourselves. I'd like to help him and be there for him, but don't know how to go about actually having that conversation with him without one of us inevitably disassembling and writing the whole thing off to get rid of the panicky sensation that comes from dwelling on it. I'm sure you all, of anyone, understand what I'm talking about.

So I was thinking I'd write him a letter. I used to write him letters regularly, and send him books and stuff back when he was in and out of camps, juvie, and rehabs. He never responded and we never talked about them, though we did discuss the books and other gifts on the phone and I know he enjoyed those. I was thinking I'd write my perspective of it all, of him as a boy and our mother as we were growing up and sort of just lay it out for him with the idea that he'd be able to see that he's not bad or crazy, she really did do all of that to him and not the other way around... when we used to talk about her and our childhood, he would often end the conversation by saying he doesn't remember that or other forms of evasion. I guess I fear that if I do this, his reaction may to say that I'M the one who's crazy or throwing a pity party. Either that or he might just write it off as "too much" and compartmentalize it.

I don't know and this is like a full essay now. Advice? Suggestions? Support?

No good at haikus Fluffy cats are cute to me Bigger the better.

I hope that works! Thank everybody, happy to find this safe space. I’ll be posting my question next!

Because they thought it was a boundary