cats are very cute im doing my best first post kittens are cuter

I have gone no contact with my BPD mother for a few months, she's 64 hates taking care of herself openly states she wants to be taken care of , she wont walk to a grocery store for milk. She sits at home all day on her phone and waits for someone to call to the house to get her groceries she's overweight and doesn't move at all, my long suffering dad who was her personal servant died 3 years ago and now she lives alone.

Visiting her is torture the misery is unbearable , but I don feel guilty shes alone I have three sisters who feel the same as me, shes always complaining shes in pain but she literally doesnt move all day , she wants servants

cats kittens - Search

TL;DR -- how to say "your feelings aren't my responsibility" without setting off an episode?

So basically my BPDmom has had a difficult few years. Her (I'm guessing BPD from the abuse stories) father died, her dog died, her house burned down, she's now responsible for her mother (who keeps to herself well enough)-- and whenever she sits me down she just sighs in this way and goes "It's just so hard. I've just had such a hard time lately."

She says it in this way like "You have to forgive me for my behaviors" is implied, but I refuse to. Her BPD gave me DID and multiple parts of my mind literally have no empathy for this woman, but at the same time other parts have so much.

But I know if I say "that's not my problem" that she'll go off on me, call me spoiled or ungrateful or a monster. How do you disengage with that, saying that it's not your emotional responsibility without setting off an episode?

Found this oddly appropriate Cat Haiku:

The rule for today Touch my tail, I shred your hand New rule tomorrow

• From https://www.uvm.edu/~jdion/pets/cathaiku.html

Hello everyone,

I've been following this subreddit for a while but haven't really had a reason to post here as I haven't had any contact with my uBPD mum for about 5 years.

That changed a fortnight ago (I couldn't post earlier because I didn't have time due to the holidays), I've summarised my notes/journal entries here.

I go to my therapy session on Monday like every week, while my husband works at home in the home office. So far so normal. Some time into the session, it is interrupted by the office assistant because someone urgently needs to speak to me. So I sit down with two police officers in an unused room and they grill me about my relationship with my husband. After I have emphatically assured them that no, this is not an abduction and we have a happy marriage, they start asking me about my family. ‘My mum sent you?’ I just asked. ‘We're not allowed to say,’ was the answer.

Bingo. My mum apparently told the police horror stories about my husband. After my therapist confirmed that I no longer speak to my family, the police left.

When I got home, my husband was totally upset. He currently works for the police and realised in the morning that every account was locked down (I was already on the road at the time). He wasn't entirely surprised that the police rang the doorbell shortly afterwards. He was then questioned by the police and also told them where to find me.

But I can report positive things, apparently the report had no negative effects on my husband's employment. According to his superior, the matter has been cleared up with my statement and he will continue to be employed.

Obligatory cat haiku (hope that fits, I have no idea about poetry :D )

Ink spills like the night,
Cat paws dance on parchment
Stories, left untold.

I feel somewhat alone in this. I can call it lucky that I didn’t have to endure this as a child. I wouldn’t have made it to adulthood undamaged or possibly even alive, if what was going on now was going on while I was a kid or teen.

When I reached adulthood, my mom flipped into her bpd (diagnosed). She use to be pleasant, nice to me, a confidant. She had some big life changes and she just flipped and descended into this. If you had put this person in front of me before it began, and she looked like someone else, I would have thought she was someone else.

I wonder if this is how it must feel to have a parent with dementia, or with brand new alcoholism and drug abuse. It’s been shocking and painful and confusing, that who I knew her to be my entire life, became someone else who is..this.

She says she’s always been this person deep inside, and I’m left with a feeling like someone sucked the air out of your lungs. It’s longstanding shock I guess.

I’m in this sort of lucky, but unlucky club, that my mom use to be kind, and loving, and fun, and now she’s this, someone who doesn’t act like they love me, someone who rages, someone who makes me feel afraid to be around them. She’s gone and there’s someone else standing within her. I don’t get that, and it’s hard to put the two her’s together. And almost equally as confusing, she can bring out the old her, almost entirely, when she wants to or feels the need to. And she does so entirely with certain people, and then they don’t have any comprehension or clue of what has gone on. For some reason with me, and one other specific person, she just doesn’t care to be her nice self. Maybe she just split people—this one for her good moods and normality, this one for rage, this one for rage and guilt and everything else negative, because it’s easier.

My (42f) mother (71f) said this verbatim to me the other day.

Like what??? NO. You aren’t my fucking child. And if you want ME to treat you like you’re my child - you don’t do ANY of that to ME, YOUR ACTUAL CHILD. How do you nurture me AT ALL.

She constantly tells me I need to baby her because she is taking care of my sick elderly dad (see post history). He has late stages Parkinson’s and is bedridden.

I literally do not understand how normal families are. Is this normal??? Do adult kids “baby” and “take care” of their non-sick parent? She “threatened” me in this same “convo” [bpd monologue] - that if I don’t check and confirm she’s taking her blood pressure meds, if she ate, if she had coffee, she could have a stroke and my life would be even worse.

She has been SUCH AN ASSHOLE to me regarding my dad (and all my life but I’m focusing this on my dad). She literally yells at me that I have to take her abuse and “get over it” because SHE is going through so much it doesn’t matter how she speaks to me. I need to be angel to her and her “panics button.”

Rant over.

This point in my life has been a long time coming where I knew I would have to make a very tough decision for my own life.

I’m graduating college in a matter of months and it seems my uBPD mother has very different plans for my life than the ones I do. In her mind, once I graduate I will be coming home (moving back across the country) to move back in with her to provide her company and a vision of the perfect family she’s always wanted.

I’ve been extremely vague about my post-grad plans with her since I already know the complete meltdown she would have if I gave her the brutally honest version. I did test the waters a bit and say something along the lines of “oh, I don’t know my plans yet,” when she told me yet again how I was coming home. Sorry, is this actually your life I’m living? I must’ve gotten confused.

My ideal plan is to stay in Boston where I currently live with my boyfriend of 2 years who she actually has no idea about. I did introduce her to him when we first started dating and her next reaction was a plan to completely pull me out of school and move me back home. Really needed to finish my education with some independence so she’s been under the assumption we’ve been broken up for about a year and a half now. Which, that alone has become such a heartbreaking secret to bear. I want more than anything to fill her in on my life and my amazing healthy relationship but it would only end up wreaking havoc on my life. I know she will never ever be supportive. Even with friendships, as soon as I become too close with any of them or spend too much time with them she immediately develops a resentment for them. But, you all know how it goes.

She’s made it recently clear that if I make any decision that doesn’t involve returning home after school, she will cut me off financially and will not support me. I’ve been under her complete financial support up until this point, and while it’s a jarring transition to make, I know I do have a very solid support system in the area. It’ll be emotionally taxing and I don’t know what it will do to my relationship with her. Not that we have a particular close one to begin with as she knows nothing about my life, but I’ve managed to avoid her triggers up to this point and stay on her good side.

Small note to add but my dad recently passed and my brother has NPD. She really is so very alone and has driven every possible other person out of her life in some way or another. Knowing that does eat at me, but I know I need to put myself first.

Is this decision to stay in Boston worth it? Would my life just be easier returning home to her? I know I will never ever be able to grow as an individual and create a life for myself if she’s in it to that capacity.

kitty pic

BM: I miss you Me:Miss you too BM: No you don’t, you’re busy living your life. Me: And I’m happy

BM: I’m sorry I’m not good enough Me: Never said you weren’t BM: Then why don’t you come and live with me? Me: Because I am 31 and I chose to live in a different state.

BM: Are you OK being by yourself for the night? Me: Uh, I lived alone for 5 years, so I think so. BM: But I don’t like to be alone Me: I’m not you.

BM: You know to watch out for strangers at the airport, right? Me: I’m fucking 3️⃣1️⃣‼️, not 10. BM: But you haven’t flown since you were 8. You’re probably going to be terrified when you get in the air. Me: I am not afraid of heights. BM: Oh but I am and- Me: I’m. Not. You.

BM (many years after moving to FL with her new husband, leaving 12 year old me with relatives because I wasn’t needy enough anymore, not returning until I was almost 18): I did NOT leave you. Me: uh, yeah you did. BM: You were with family. Me: Yes, you LEFT me with them! Also BM, to my cousin: I should have never left (teary eyed).

BM: Your name is not X (foster care name) it’s Y (name she gave me I’ve hated all my life)! Me: You can call me what you want but everyone else calls me X BM: You realize how hurtful that is to me ? I gave you a gift and you rejected it. Also BM: I would support you if you were transgender. (But not if you just prefer a different name ).

My uBPD/NPD mom texted me today asking me if it cost money to call England on her phone. To my knowledge, she doesn’t know anyone there, but she’s always getting caught up in something or another.

Since my brother died she’s spends a significant amount of her time on X. She talks like she is friends with everyone-even if she’s actually getting catfished by someone, which has happened.

Out of curiosity, I looked at her page, thinking perhaps she’s trying to contact someone she’s been interacting with. And found a repost of a space she took part in by a poster she’s mentioned to me a lot in the past year in passing (“he’s such a great guy”, “he’s so full of the Holy Spirit”, “I want to bring him here (where she lives) to preach.” and I’ve mostly ignored it, but the name of the community caught my attention.

So I clicked on this guys page to learn more. And the community is “Creating a sacred new society: wise God fearing/ knowing culture, O-point energy, antigravity, low pollution, sacred sexuality, healthy environments. Ascension!”

I swipe through some more… (also lol “healthy environments”? The irony that for my mom that’s an oppressive one that means I don’t speak back to her or have my own thoughts or opinions. Okay, Jan.)

Anyway, back to swiping…

I find, “a community where we are actively creating the wise society we know in our heart of hearts is possible. We will start with wise education as Jake has been teaching us, combined with creating an alternative economy & polity!”

Swipe some more… (because who is Jake?)

Welp, folks… Jake is none other than the Q-anon Shaman…

I have to laugh because if not I’ll cry.

My mom might be in a cult.

And what am I going to do?

Absolutely nothing because it won’t change a thing.

But I am still curious… is this a common thing for uBPD? (Or uNPD even?)

Mine does, and it annoys the shit out of me. It’s like she’s always trying to figure out the “right” thing to say (instead of being genuine).

I'm anti Trump & so is my BPD mother but to an actual obsessive unhealthy degree in her case. Like when you hear the right going on about "Trump derangement syndrome" she might actually be who they're describing.

She got drunk the other day and watched a bunch of anti Trump videos and then started screaming at and cornered my poor dad who's dealing with a health problem because she got herself so worked up.

Like yes he's awful and I'm not particularly happy with the direction that the USA is going, but I can't engage with her on any level when it comes to politics because of how histrionic she's become about Trump. Like you catch more flies with honey, mom. Ranting and raving and screaming at your spouse isn't actually the way to enact political change.

But I don't think she's actually interested in that. I think she just likes freaking out and being dramatic and it's just so repugnant to me I cannot deal with it.

Driving home in tears..again. I don’t know why I keep convincing myself that spending time with my uBPD mom won’t end with me in tears, confused, and wrecked over what just happened—but I do it anyways. I keep hoping there will be change, and because I want my mom to feel loved. The unbroken part of her deserves that.

Today, it was her sick in bed whaling while I was packing to leave to go home. Then, it was her screaming at me that she hopes she dies in her bed, asking me to hug her one last time in case she does die, and telling me that the way my sister and I treat her makes her feel unlovable.

It’s always something, and I could go on and on. But I know the ones who get it, get it.

My mom has had a rough 8ish years. My dad had an affair, married the woman he cheated with, and completely screwed her over in the divorce. She was left with very little support. A few years ago, she lost both her parents.

It breaks my heart because I know deep down, all she wants is safety, security, and love. No one deserves what she’s been through. But as her child, I can only give so much. Her emotional turmoil and dysregulation are so overwhelming that I constantly feel like I’m at a crossroads: I want to help her, but no matter what I do, it’s never “right.”

My sister and I have tried everything—encouraging positive thinking, affirmations, and even just being there for her—but it feels like she’s getting worse every year. Last year, we even took her to her therapist to discuss the BPD symptoms and suicidal threats she shares with us. She ended up having an episode in front of the therapist for the first time and now refuses to go back.

It’s exhausting. I’m stuck between loving her and protecting myself. How do you cope with these feelings?

Cat Haiku: Golden eyes that gleam, Taylor Swift’s heart, they enchant— Majesty on paws.

NC mom found a way to reach out on Christmas - translate this

hi friends, first time posting here so hope it follows the rules. i’ve been NC with my mom for 4 years now, the longest stretch ever. she’s tried to reach out to me through various family members, including emailing my husband on our wedding day that she was going to cast a curse on our marriage 🥲.

i’m a first time mom to a perfect baby girl who I am keeping so far away from her that i’m really angry a flying monkey even told her my child’s name.

she sent me this text on christmas from a strange email address i’ve never had a chance to block and something feels “off”.

am I losing it? it seems surface level nice but my gut is telling me it was to ruin my daughters first holiday season. it also was NOT my daughters half birthday on christmas. i’ve talked about this in therapy but need an opinion from other people raised by borderlines.

here’s a link to cute pictures of kittens: https://unsplash.com/s/photos/cute-kitten

I’ve been watching The Bear and the episode where Donna is at the hospital with Natalie made me burst out in spontaneous tears. It’s such an accurate portrayal of the relationship between BPD mother and daughter. All the things Natalie said to her felt like a mirror of myself. I remember feeling the same way when I had my own daughter and how fiercely I wanted to protect her from the madness that is my mom’s emotional disregulation.

Vent/Rant incoming.

I went NC with my mom a couple months ago after a particularly awful series of conversations. I left things with her pretty open-ended. I just said I needed a break from her because her behavior and expectations were impossible to meet and deal with, and that I would reach back out when ready. This was met with her rage texting me about how awful I am, demanding to see my daughter through grandparents rights (hi, yes, me again), a whole thing. Then I got some flying monkeys. I dealt with them either through ignoring or saying "thanks. I will take this under advisement (my grandfather's favorite line when thinking "yeah yeah, fuck you too)".

The day after Christmas (which happens to be my husband's birthday), I get a text from my mom's boyfriend, saying how family is EVERYTHING and my mother loves me and he doesn't know how I lost respect for her as my mother but I need to reflect on what family means. He claims he doesn't know what happened. I didn't want to get into it with him because I don't think I owe anyone an explanation, and he goes "I don't know what transpired I am just trying to get your family back."

I'm a big girl. I knew shit like this would happen. I was mentally prepared with talks with my therapist. But damn, why is it society's narrative that if an adult child no longer speaks to a parent everyone blames the child? I don't want to not talk to my mom. I would LOVE a mom. But no, I got anxiety and depression and a need to incessantly apologize and a host of other issues instead of a proper parent. But...ask my mom to see our texts. Ask her to show you how she told me I was heartless witch, that I was a bad daughter, that she would force herself on me and my daughter through legal action. I'm trying to not put people in the middle but damn are people fucking killing me. The entitlement because you're "family". The fault being placed squarely on one party without asking for the other side. The lack of caring to even ask why the other person took this drastic step.

The other thing bothering me is that my dad who means well keeps saying I need to tell either the boyfriend or my mom exactly what my issues with her are and what needs to be done on her end to make me want contact. He says I need to be more specific than just saying that she needs to be more respectful of me and my boundaries. I get what he's saying, I do. But also...how many fucking times do I need to say "hey mom stop calling me a shit kid." Yes she's ill, but I am EXHAUSTED explaining to her why her behavior is inappropriate, that's why I went NC because I am tired of it. How many times do I have to say the same thing for the cycle to start again?

Sorry for the rant, I'm just at my wits end with frustration.

I've been a quiet member of this community for quite a while. When I first joined, I felt incredibly validated as I read about how many of your experiences mirrored my own with my mother. I’ll keep this brief. In my younger years, I created my own version of limited contact with my mom, often fabricating important work commitments to only visit once a year at Christmas. The once a year visit was so that I didn’t feel “guilt” if they died. Thanks to this group, I’ve found the strength to go no contact. Occasionally, guilt creeps in, and I’ll answer one phone call a year, but sometimes my guilt wins (and 99% of the time I end up regretting it).

I've also had to distance myself and go no contact with two of my brothers due to their unhealthy attitudes and manipulations. The outcome? A newfound sense of peace. I no longer feel like I’m on edge, waiting for conversations to end so I can hang up and finally breathe again. I regret not making these changes sooner in my life. Thank you all for your examples. It’s good work. Wishing everyone a Happy New Year! 🥰

A ton of cute kitten pics: https://www.rd.com/list/cute-kittens/

My uBPD mom has been avoiding contact for about a month now. She wanted to "work on our relationship"; when I asked for specifics, it turned out that she was upset that we (me, husband, and our kids) did social things with people she knows without her, and that I'm not on the same page about politics and medical stuff. I grey rocked that conversation hard. She was expecting more sympathy and probably fawning. Hence, she's avoiding contact: not talking to me at the family Christmas gathering, not coming by our Christmas gathering when my dad did, etc.

I've been trying not to think about it (with moderate success). But now my dad has reached out with the following text: "Hi xxx, call when you have time and I'll see if I can translate between you and Mama." (I should add that this is classic for our family: when I was undesignated therapist for my mom in my teens, she took all her problems with my dad and my brothers to me. Later, after I moved out, she did the same with my sister. Now she she's doing it with my dad.)

I am feeling super activated and jittery. I do not want to talk to my dad about this, with or without my mom. (I love him, and I think he genuinely wants to help, but I don't want to talk to him about this.)

Added detail: Also, I am lucky enough to see a therapist once a month (thanks good health insurance for PPD). My appointment with her is this Friday.

I have never tried to systematically tell my parents how much my mom's emotional parentification and control (actual when I was younger, attempted now) have damaged me. Right now, as far as she is concerned, she's the victim.

What do I do? Help.

I don't know what to put as the flair for this. I'm seeking your stories about your relationship with your siblings and any information you have about sibling dynamics that happen with a parent with BPD, and advice for moving forward with my siblings.

I've posted a few times about my uBPD mother, who I am not speaking to right now. We finally had a huge fight, which you can read about in my previous posts if you're curious.

One of the biggest issues I've had with my mom is her constant criticism and traingulation with my siblings. She says mean things about me, especially to my younger sister. My sister is in college and basically still under my parents roof. I'm 11 years older than her with my own family. We're close, but in different stages of life. Since our fight, my mom went and told my sister a bunch of things about me and her one-sided narrative about what happened. My sister is "confused" and doesn't want to talk to me about what happened, which is extremely frustrating. I do not really consider this to be my sisters fault, as she is still very young and brainwashed by my mom. I used to be in her exact spot before I finally started seeing things clearly, which took many years after moving away to a different state and having my own children to fully understand.

My brother is closer in age to me. Somehow he escaped pretty much all of my mom's enmeshment as a child. He understands my viewpoint and is empathetic, he also admits that my mom is a very different parent to him than she is to me. I think he is overwhelmed by the conflict between me and my mom, but him and I were able to have a clarifying conversation and I think him and I both feel better. He says he doesn't want to pick sides (which is fine) and he wants to have a relationship with me and my husband and kids.

This entire situation has really brought to light all of the discord that my mom has created between me and my siblings. Slowly over time, just by scapegoating me and treating my younger sister as the golden child and my brother I think as the forgotten one, my siblings and I have a hard time connecting. I've done a LOT of inner work in therapy and I think I see my mom pretty clearly for who she is, but I have to admit that seeing this chaos between me and my siblings has been surprising and frustrating. I didn't realize the damage that was being done. It was so subtle over so many years. I want very badly to have a relationship with my brother and sister. I don't care much how they view my mom and I would love to have a relationship with them outside of my mom's influence, regardless of where they are at with her. I'm always going to be there to support them in their choices; I have a feeling that a few years down the line my sister will wake up to who my mom is (although it is okay if she doesn't).

I would love to hear about your relationships with your siblings. Did your BPD parents sow seeds of chaos amongst you? Do you and your siblings view your parent differently? If you have a relationship with your siblings, how do you make it work amongst the chaos?

I've never really understood magical thinking or applied it to my mom because she doesn't practice voodoo or use crystals, doesn't believe in astrology, isn't superstitious, etc. But I think I've turned a page.

She, and my brother, have a lot of magical thinking with health problems.

She decided to hold off on a urgent, needed surgery because she didn't like the news the doctor gave her, and thinks she can just hop around until a different doctor magically comes up with a non-invasive "everything's fixed!" solution where she goes back to normal and looking beautiful.

I also listened to my brother tell me last night that he doesn't want to go to a doctor because he doesn't want to know what's wrong with him. If he doesn't know, it can't hurt him. This man has aches, pains, rashes, hernias, urinary problems, and drinks like a fish but will NOT go to even his annual physical appt.

Anyone else's BPD have this tendency?

First post but a long-time lurker! This Christmas was really hard, and I’m still trying to process everything. Family dynamics with my mother have always been tricky and pretty miserable, but this year felt especially heavy.

For context, I’m VLC with my mom due to her uBPD (also a covert alcoholic, but sometimes can’t manage to hide it with her reckless behavior). Anyways, traditions are VERY important to her, and she wanted me to come to her house Christmas morning (1.5 hours away) before the larger family gathering in another town. This is the second year since graduating college that I’ve lived away from her (I’m 24). So, in the past, I’ve always spent Christmas Eve and morning at her house, but this year I decided for the first time ever not to go, due to complicated dynamics and the fact that it’s been a really few years with my mom. Our relationship has gotten worse, and on top of that, I hadn’t heard anything about Christmas plans from her, including any mention of a Christmas list — which she usually asks for. This made everything uncertain, and I worked through it with my therapist to decide to spend the time around the Christmas family gathering alone, as hard as that decision was.

Christmas has always been tough, as my mom tends to give overwhelming amounts of random junk every year—cheap trinkets to make the tree look fuller. I’ve asked for years for something more thoughtful, but it hasn’t changed. Last year, when I moved into my first apartment, I told her we didn’t need anything because we had already chosen what we wanted. She still gave me low-quality apartment items I didn’t need or want. This, along with her normal behavior, just makes the entire day generally pretty disappointing — especially because I’d rather get nothing than have to deal with the amount of random trinkets given.

Leading up to Christmas, I saw my sister at my dad’s family gathering (my parents have been divorced for years). My sister is a recent college grad and currently lives with her — they have their own close but toxic relationship. She asked about my plans for Christmas Eve and morning, and when I explained that I wasn’t sure what was going on, she told me that my mom was just “having me do my own thing” when it came to gifts, but she still wanted me there for Christmas Eve and morning. I didn’t know she was going to do this, but my sister then texted my mom to suggest she mention Christmas to me, which prompted a text from my mom asking about my plans. I sent a text back, and told my mother I wasn’t sure where things were at because I hadn’t heard anything from her regarding Christmas (or anything in general, because we rarely talk). I also mentioned that I probably wouldn’t be there Christmas morning. She wrote a paragraph back, but long story short she said that I never need an invite to come “home” and that she understands but hopes to have me there. She also mentioned that she’s been “working crazy hours,” so she hadn’t had time to ask my uncle about timing for Christmas……………….

On the morning of Christmas Eve, I confirmed by text that I wouldn’t be going to her house in the morning because I had too much to do and needed to leave early for the other gathering. She didn’t respond to that text.

On Christmas Day at the larger family gathering, when we were all sitting together, she asked if my partner and I could plan a day to meet up and unwrap our gifts (since our birthdays are close to Christmas). It was asked in front of everyone, which felt very uncomfortable and intentional. Because I hadn’t done what she wanted and visited Christmas Eve/Christmas morning, she insisted on recreating it another day. I told her I wouldn’t be in the area again anytime soon and offered to grab my Christmas and birthday gifts that night if she brought them, or to stop by her house after the party. I also brought gifts for her, her partner, and my sister to the gathering to make things easier.

She immediately shut it down, saying, “We’ll talk about it later.” Later, when I tried to tell her I could stop by her house that night, she avoided me. Eventually, when I caught up with her, I told her that if having me take the gifts now was important to her, I’d grab them, but otherwise, it wasn’t a big deal to me. She started yelling, “It is a big deal because I love you so damn much!” Then she went into a room with her partner and my grandmother, visibly upset.

Later, when I offered again to stop by her house, she made a scene, crying in front of everyone. She said she wasn’t prepared because she hadn’t gotten anything ready for me after I texted that I wouldn’t be there Christmas morning. She’d brought gifts for everyone else, including a cousin’s new girlfriend, but said she didn’t want to give me mine at the gathering because it would’ve been “awkward,” so she didn’t wrap or prepare anything. She insisted on finding another day, which I’d already said wouldn’t work. It got increasingly dramatic as I held firm to the two choices: either I go pick them up, or I otherwise can’t commit to a date where we would be able to open them. She got upset because she didn’t want me to “take the gifts and go” — she needed to watch me open them.

I have a close relationship with the rest of her side of the family, outside of my sister. Many of them, including my grandmother and her siblings, also struggle with my mom’s behavior. My grandmother understands this dynamic deeply because she went through something similar with her own mom. I really love spending time with them and being part of the larger family gatherings. That said, I felt like an outsider all day, missing out on the typical Christmas morning experience. I’m struggling with a mix of emotions—guilt, sadness, and frustration. On one hand, I feel bad for caring about the gifts, but on the other, it feels pretty devastating to not feel loved and seen by my family, and have “normal” family dynamics.

If anyone has been through something similar or had any insight, I’d really appreciate your advice!

Silent paws at night, Eyes that gleam with mystery, Soft purrs bring pure peace.

I am home for the Holidays which means I see uo close again how badly bpd mother treats my father. She doesn't let him pursue his hobbies, is shouting at him all the time and is also physically abusive. It's killing me. I guess I am looking to hear similar stories. The only reason I come home is him and that's why I can't go NC. I feel tired and angry that I wasted my holidays on this nonsense but also guilt of leaving my father behind in this hellhole. Our annual income combined is more than enough to afford a top 1% lifestyle in my home country but her extreme stinginess means that she doesn't even let him eat two proper meals a day. Just a rant/support needed.

Cat Haiku - come little cat with your tiny paws and take me home.

made the mistake of bringing up some things that were bothering me, indirectly and directly about her and living with her. i was civil, maybe a little snappy because i have a horrible sinus infection. sat down with my parents and it turned into a confusing mind fuck of a conversation. i make a clear statement about what is bothering me and she (my mom) turns a 180 blaming said problem on someone completely unrelated. god and the blubbering fake sobbing over fucking nothing. and then turns off the tears like a faucet when my dad tries to reason with her. i have an even worse headache now and will have to deal with her tomorrow. she has fresh ammo against me now to be the victim waify waif and cry in bed all day. god i should have just kept my mouth shut im an idiot. shouldve saved it for my journal. this is why i have crippling anxiety and depression. my greyrocking mask keeps slipping! its too hard some days to not pick a fight with her. can't wait to move out this is no environment to raise a baby.

I was thinking about how she threatens me with things that she thinks will hurt me, to coerce control, usage of me, and compliance.

If someone threatens you only with things they think will hurt you, this tells me that they want to hurt you, or they want control, or both.

Then it occurred to me, what would happen if I let her think that what she believes would hurt me, wouldn’t/doesn’t/isn’t a concern? Would she stop trying to hurt me with those things, because they wouldn’t be a good currency in her mind anymore?

If I could talk to her about it and have a sane conversation with her and be heard, I’d tell her that it’s very unusual that she only threatens me with things that would hurt me, and this fact that she wants to hurt me is telling. Or is it just to induce fear and gain control. I’ll never be heard or get those answers though. I just know I would never say or do anything to try to hurt someone I love or make them feel afraid or bad, and it feels really backwards when I look at what she does and says through that lens. Would I ever do this to someone I love and care about? No. But she does.

She has a few threats she uses on me, and I am wondering, what would happen if the next time and the times after, I didn’t care, if her high anxiety and powerful threat became low value in my concerns and reaction. I wonder if she would change to other threats. If I act afraid of something else, would she switch to threatening that? And what if my reactions were replaced by no fear? What would she do then? Discard me and follow through on her threats?

I guess in the end, a threat means intent to harm, because it’s a threat, not a logical and workable cause and effect. That intent to harm has to mean that the threat must correlate to my reaction of fear and a result of pain, if it will have any value to her. If I don’t show fear, then the threat would have no value anymore, right? Or would she follow through to double check instead of choosing a different threat? I know this is indirect bargaining. I know. I’ve had to withstand the threatening, the threats have always been the same, and I’m wondering if there’s something I can do with my reaction that will change her path toward something less harmful. If I express fear about something I’m not extremely afraid of, will she switch to threatening that, instead?

To her, she says weeks/months/years later that her threats are “hypothetical”. I think it’s a cop out to get out of the serious nature of what she says or does. Is it all just a game to her? The looks on her face tell me no, she’s rage filled and serious. It’s not a game, it’s war.

I’d like to hear your thoughts or personal experiences with this. And how their behavior or connection with you changed when they didn’t have anything to control you with anymore through threats.

I’ve been a member of this sub for a few years, and am switching over to a more private username. My prior username involved a little grace and an animal.

Here’s a poem just incase:

Cats have big eyes They see all Especially on the wall Right behind you At 3 am When no one is there At least We think Oh no

Can someone relate to their BPD parent having total disregard for you? It’s so bad I think it’s funny at this point. For example:

• my BPD mom loves the beach so she told us she found the perfect place that’s really good for kids and we should all go. It’s a 7 hour drive for her and my sister, who has 4 kids under 5, and a 12 hour drive for me with my 2 kids under 3.
• I’m going to have to stay at my mom’s soon for a night or 2 with my kids, I asked her if she can put a mattress on the floor so I can sleep with toddler without him falling off the bed. She excitedly told me, “oh I know! We have the best most comfortable patio chair cushions! I can make a “mattress” out of those! It’s going to be great!” Meanwhile when she visited us, she made me buy her a king sized mattress, wanted us to set up a permanent king size bed in our sitting/playroom and complained that she couldn’t sleep all night on the 6inch folding mattress because she “fell into the gaps” (I sleep on this mattress daily and have no idea how she would fall into the gaps).

Wake up, old tomcat, then with elaborate yawns and stretchings prepare to pursue love