Hi everyone,

I’ve (25M) been with my girlfriend (28F) for nearly 4 years now and I just want to say up front that she’s an amazing woman and a good person and I love her so much.

The relationship has been fairly turbulent (usually in waves) over the course of the 4 years and I quickly got to know she was very sensitive and reactive and neurotic in nature. But the past year or 2 I have slowly started suspecting BPD more and more. I have read a lot over the years about psychology and psychiatry and so I feel a lot of the signs fit the manifestations / actions of BPD.

Here is a general overview:

One of the key issues is her black and white thinking and extreme emotional episodes. She has a very strong tendency to miss grey areas of anything. She makes a lot of generalisations such as “men are X” or “X people are bad” etc. But also, these black/white generalisations can also be made about me, or her parents or anyone based on how she is feeling. One day she says I’m the best boyfriend ever and I’m caring and warm, but the next she says she is considering breaking up because I clearly don’t love her or care about her. She will often use words such as “you always do X” or “you never do Y” (i.e. she says extreme black/white “never” or “always” statements). Often these episodes come after something minor such as me spending some time with my family or my friends - she’ll interpret that as me not wanting to spend time with her and ditching her for friends or family (even though I spend most evenings with her). Also this is quite hypocritical because she will spend time with her family or friends, so should I interpret that as her choosing them over me? Additionally, I have quite a lack of sensory awareness due to my ADHD, and so something minor such as me not noticing she needs help grabbing the shopping bags in the store (because I’m in my own head and not paying attention to my environment) will cause her to have an episode and say I dont care about her or else I’d have noticed she needs help with the bags and would carry them for her. She will view this as me not caring about her and not wanting to help at all (which couldn’t be further from the truth). She will say something like “you never help me”. Which again… is not true!

I have also noticed that she falls out with her parents a lot (she still lives with them currently) and will pack her things and move to her apartment telling me she is done with them and wont live with them anymore. Within the next day or 2 she moves back and acts as if nothing happened. I have also seen her block her mother on social media after having a fight with her over text whilst we were on a date. She has also blocked me many times! Similarly, after she will have an episode telling me she is considering breaking up, often the next day she acts as if nothing happened and seems completely normal again. Some of these episodes may last a few days though, but sometimes they only last one night.

The theory I have about how she thinks is that she has these internalised narratives (often about the intentions or motivations of others) and so will interpret the world under the lense of these arratives: e.g. she believes I dont love her or care about her, and so if I do something slightly wrong such as the not noticing she needs help carrying the bags, she’ll get triggered and interpret that as me not caring about or loving her and this will escalate very quickly in her mind into something larger and will start putting together every time I have done something that could possibly mean I don’t love her and will start stewing all these thoughts in her mind. This will lead her to start questioning the whole relationship and threatening to break up with me.

She is asking me basically every day if I love her or is just straight up telling me I dont love her. It can get quite tiring sometimes, but I’ve gotten used to it over the years. It has always affected me but I’ve become more numb to it the more times she threatens to break up, the more I’ve sort of already started to process the grief of losing her. She has done it again tonight and this is kinda why I’m venting on reddit! I get anxious and depressive when she has an episode like this where she considers breaking up. I tend to just isolate from everyone and try to make it up with her until she eventually snaps out of it.

I just don’t know what to do. I can’t convince her that she might have an issue because I have lightly brought it up before and she’s gotten upset about it thinking I’m just gaslighting her and invalidating her feelings. Basically, me being concerned she may have a mental issue, in her mind, is just a way for me to deflect the issues that are clearly MY issues (i.e. not loving her or caring about her) back onto her. There was one time she was in a good mood and was using my phone to google something and saw “does my girlfriend have BPD” on the search history and laughed at me as if I was being silly. So it seems she is completely unaware she has this behaviour and thinks her emotions are justified or that she is just sensitive and it’s nothing more.

She can often say very hurtful things when she has an episode and then will just claim she didn’t mean it whenever she is over it.

I’m just unsure if this is a healthy relationship for me to stay in. I love her so much and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but if she can’t even see that she has some issues, then she can’t do anything to try to fix them or get help. She has refused therapy or professional help as she doesn’t believe she has any issues - she things I’m the one causing the problem.

Also, I have noticed she has a very strong victim mentality. This isn’t just about me, but she often vents to me about her issues at work. The claims that everyone targets her and treats her worse than everyone else. She has said this about almost every job she’s had, and every ex she’s had etc. She always seems to believe that everyone always treats her bad. And I always try and be supportive and listen to her, but in the back of my mind I start to wonder if this is really what’s happening or if perhaps she is just viewing everything from a self-created internalised narrative.

But with this victim mentality, it just means that she won’t take any responsibility for any of our issues in our relationship and I’m always the one apologising (she almost never apologises after an episode).

I have also noticed she struggles a lot with self-image. This is, of course, a growing problem in today’s world with social media and constantly seeing filters and edited pics online and seeing models etc. But she believes she is ugly when she is absolutely stunning. She projects this onto me by saying I think she is ugly… She keeps telling me she wants surgeries etc and will look in the mirror very often and look sad. It’s hard to see because she is so beautiful - but it’s also hard because of how she projects this onto me believing I also think she is ugly, which is of course the complete opposite of true!

I know this is just a very surface-level explanation with only a few examples of her behaviours, but it is really affecting our relationship, and in turn, my own mental health.

I’m of course, not a professional so am not at all diagnosing her for sure, but a lot of her behaviours seem like signs to me. I am also not asking for any academic or diagnostic advice, more relationship advice for me on how I can deal with the situation.

I want our relationship to work, but I’m just unsure how to fix this. I feel like I am trapped in a relationship that may be doomed to fail but I love her too much not to keep fighting. If she cannot take any responsibility or see that a lot of our issues stem from this, hoe can I convince her to get help if I come across as a gaslighter? Has anyone else had any experience on something like this? What should I do?

Thanks for reading!

This goes for both BPD folk and other folks. I am a very high moral type borderline. I get this from my father who was very much the same. But because of the emeshment done onto me via my mother and brothers it's hard to know what to do. (They were around most of the time my dad was a police officer and didn't take influence till later)

I realize a lot of the anime I watched growing up makes the whole different people getting along look easy as shit. Even newer titles as well. Especially with my favorite recent title delicious in dungeon. Granted my therapist says maybe they band together because of a common goal. But she also says you have to measure whether or not the good outweighs the bad

My relationship with nex marcus made me realize I can be way too compassionate and understanding and tolerate behavior beyond what it should be. That I always try to accept people because my own family was unkind to me.

But I notice sometimes the ESTJ part of my bpd will come out and be judging. Wondering if this is a bad sign. I understand some of my morality like I don't want to be friends with abelists. I don't want to be friends with religious people who are bigots towards LGTQ.

I'm really moralistic when it comes to sex and relationships too. Like I don't believe in friends with benefits. I see sex as a bonding experience. I don't think porn or only fans should be allowed in a relationship. That you should explore sexuality within the relationship..But yet I found myself being judgmental towards a friend I had a crush on because they admitted at one point they had a friend's with benefits.

How different should our friends be from us? Where do we draw the line? When should the friendship end?

I wish someone would have taught me this but I just feel so confused. I noticed even I was being hypervigilant towards one of my bpd friends. They were dealing with their own narcissistic situation and they blamed me for their mood swings. Now my brain went oh just like how Clair and idalia blamed you for their marital spats? Fuck that I don't want to be friends with someone who blames me for their issues

But my therapist pointed out that the difference between Tiff and Idalia is that Tiff took accountability and messaged me to apologize for doing that to me

Ughhh I don't want to be a door mat but I don't want to be pushing possibly good folks away. The friendship with Tiff was fairly new like I met her in July. So it's not like a long time. But at the same time I want friends who are good at communicating. I don't want people who just assume I know what's going on

Like I also tell myself I'm not promiscuous but I know one of my other friends is but yet they're very loyal to me. Yet my brain goes oh if you get into another relationship this could be a problem. Ugh

Check out my post history if you need context, but the bottom line is my mother is straight up abusive.

I decided a week or so ago I want to go NC with her, but I haven't actioned it yet. I was still feeling unsure about giving her a last chance, and also didn't want to make life harder for my sibling who still lives with her, although he is the golden child so not a massive risk. He has given me his blessing to go NC now if that's what I want.

I started writing out drafts of a letter to my mum, one was super angry and pointed, the other a lot more gentle and understanding but still firm on the boundary I needed.

It's probably kind of pathetic of me, but part of me wants to try one last time to get through to her and illicit change. Best case we can start building a healthy relationship, worst case it will be cathartic and I'll end up NC with her regardless.

Has anyone successfully had a toxic relationship change into a healthy one? Or is there no real hope?

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My boyfriend (18) and i (16),, have been dating for a while now.

(addressing the age gap, we are a year apart, birthdays are just on the opposite side of the year!! don’t be worried haha)

(i have autism please be mindful i am not the greatest at reading tones)

he suffers from BPD and psychosis, and we keep getting into fights over it. i’m not entirely sure how to identify his triggers, and what sets him off. i love this boy with my whole heart and want to make his world a bit better by at least understanding some of what he goes through, and being able to support him.

i do things i don’t realize bother him, like repeating over and over to him that i love him, and he snaps at me..and i cry. (i do apologize for not stopping) that’s the way it goes every time, and i’m not sure how to communicate with him. i’m just looking for some common tips that may help me identify triggers or when im setting him off and how i should talk to him when this happens.,

thank you (cross post)

Hi there!

I have been living a 9 month love relationship and everyday life with someone without diag but with symptoms close to BPD (fear of abandonment, FP, over-attachment, crises with anger and then shame and low self esteem, over-sensitivity. And other problems outside BPD (violence, childhood traumas, army trauma, alcohol addiction). Please don't blame him.

When living with him, and later when searching informations, I more or less understood that (if you disagree, please tell me) pwBPD are oversensitive to being rejected, misunderstood, or mistreated. And that they need a relationship of a very high quality to feel safe, to not feel bad. I also agree with the explanation that pwBPD are more sensitive to "body language" (i would even say atmosphere or energy) than to words. That was very interesting for me to notice that "we verbal people" are always cheating with words even if inside we feel something else and with pwBPD this is not possible and we need to be in harmony with our heart otherwise it's confusing for them.

Thanks to this I acquired a new view about "what people send to each other" and decided that also for everybody it would be a great thing to be "extremely well treated".

So these are the positiv points! Now the problem!

This relationship with this (now ex) boyfriend was (also) traumatic for me because when I did something "wrong" to him he had very strong reproach to me like "you have the heart like a stone", or "my love for you is real, yours is not" , and so on, and I had not enough self-confidence to think "it's just a normal symptom of BPD but I do my best for him" (I didn't even know about BPD, I searched later). I believed him and I thought I'm a bad girlfriend who makes his boyfriend suffer because I'm not able to love them enough, I'm unable to give my trust, and so on. It was stressful because I had the feeling he could feel the tiniest bad feeling or hesitation I would have and that it will do him a great suffering and I was so sorry for him and felt guilty. (it happen more and more times). So I was always hiding and afraid of what I thought about him, and felt like "censored", and didn't want to answer his questions. And then we split (my decision).

And finally, my questions!

This was 4 years ago and now I started a new relationship, with somebody who has no BPD symptoms, but I am always anxious. I often have the feeling that what I say or do with him will make him suffer, or he will think I don't love him and so on. Or if he says how much he loves me, instead of being happy I think "oh no, he loves me a lot, it will be a big suffer for him if one day we separate". And he's great and when I ask him he says he feels good and I did nothing wrong, and I believe him, but later I worry again and again...

How can I improve this? How did you do in a similar situation?

Somehow I forget that other people don't read my thoughts and are not oversensitive.

And second question : I still sometimes meet pwBPD, how can I safely for them and for me deal with their oversensitivity?

How do you do to not feel guilt if they get angry to you? How do you do to not harm them? How do you do if you have "negativ" feelings about someone with BPD? We're not perfect, what if it happens??

Thank you very much for reading the long message, any answer or testimony would be helpfull if you'd like to!

Warm greetings!

I feel so fucking violated right now. I swear Facebook needs to have better regulation on who joins the bpd support groups but I just am so tired of trying to post about my pain.

I go on there instead of unloading on my other friends who might be more typical or just have adhd. And what happens? Men see my story, go up in my DMS, say they're here for me

And then boom find out ulterior motives or they send you unhinged shit that fits the stupid stereotype

My bpd friend I had made in one of these groups basically admitted to me they have been jerking off to my pictures i feel so fucking disgusted. This is why I have trust issues because we should be able to support each other and talk about trauma without dealing with predatory behavior

This is why I'm thinking of being more mean and guarded instead of giving into my softness. I'm so tired of people pretending to like my interests. Say they're here for me but they just want to use me as a sex toy

Ughhh I am trying to improve myself. Be a better person yet this shit happens. I want to throw up. What the fuck. Even I'm not this unhinged.

They say share your story you'll gain strength. Yeah right

I don't understand this, me and many other pwbpd have experience very little symptoms outside of relationships. Before I met my boyfriend I would consider myself a very kind, caring, empathic person. I had values and morals. obviously I had depression, suicide attempts and ideation, and identity issues but I was semi okay I was a nice person. I used dating apps and made alot of fwb and friends from work I had a very chill life and was able to maintain these relationships well. Once I started my relationship everything changed I was a totally different person I don't know what happened. I became erratic, extremely verbally and emotionally abusive, suicidal to the point my boyfriend had to lock up all the blades and pills and was afraid to leave me home alone, delusional and paranoid, cheating, drug use, having full blown mental breakdowns daily, breaking up weekly with my bf, ruining my own life for no reason, extreme dependency on my bf like I was a child. I just became a deranged dramatic sociopath within months and it would just get worse every month.

Once I was diagnosed and became self aware this destroyed my whole self perception. I'm still so mindfucked on who I really am. How can I change so rapidly honestly I feel like I'm multiple different people. Like I'm masking over a mask over a mask and I've lost track and now I'm all over the place.

Had some thoughts today in regards to this. The way I see it is, basically we have a ton of love with no where to go. You see, the normal person from a regular upbringing gets their love cup filled and filled. They get nurtured. Taught lessons.

This readies the individual for life and gives them the confidence they need to navigate the world. Basically you are satiated with enough love. So your focuses and goals are going to be very different.

By the time you're ready to move out you're like ok finally some space. You're equipped with skills on how to navigate relationships. You have some insight from your parents and even if you don't know what you're doing they're still there.

They're there until you reach a certain age. And by that time, you have a family of your own or have had some semblance of belonging. You've got your parents mindset memorized. You're good. All blue skies

The life of a borderline is not so fortunate. At least in most cases. Why do we get so excited? Because we have all this pent up desire to share with someone. Finally. After years of being dismissed. Years of being ignored. Finally another person to share things with!

The love is a lot because its all the love we wish that we ourselves. The love we wished we could've given our family members but it was always rejected.

I get it, you folks don't need it. It seems odd. But I'd like for you to please listen. While I don't condemn the tantrums or the rage please listen. That rage comes from all the years of neglect. The years of being told we weren't worth anything.

So when a moment of conflict happens. Or anything that might remind us of that parent. It's like confirming their biases. Confirming what their negative truth was.

I understand now that it wasn't true and my narc mom was just too full of herself to consider me or anyone for that matter. That its simply a projection.

I understand to you folks, that rejection is a part of life. But hey you have your family at least to love you. But when it's from our perspective, it's not as spaced out. The rejection experiences. It's constantly from the day we were born. So I think the pacing might help you guys deal with it easier. Because it happens less often and you always have that sure fire thing..

But for us it's like fuck really? Again? Come on! Let something go right for once what the hell. Why is it always like this? Please let something go right god dammit

I understand how the demanding, the head strong Ness and the feelings while it may appear selfish and self interested. That it is to us its like we're standing up for ourselves because for so long we were denied our humanity. While yes it appears entitled, the intention is to desire something very strongly.

We often had to do very extreme reactions to even get the attention of our narcissistic caregivers. That's where that comes from. While I understand it is not right, I would like there to be understanding that we do not have the ride or die type thing you folks do with your own family.

So because we don't have family we seek out that mentality through friends and other people. We place so much importance on you because you're all we have. Because we understand how crucial human connection is.

While often we get impatient and can self destruct because you'll get exhausted by the time we're comfortable. Just please understand we just want to be a part of something bigger than ourselves.

Our goals in life are different to you, you are fine with a career and all that. Or something else. But I don't think we can really self love ourselves enough to replace the concept of family

That's why we seem insatiable. The other part of it is some of us haven't sat long enough in our feelings to find out the core reasons behind them or figure out the exact need.

But all we really want is someone to stay. I know there's a lot of different kinds of borderlines and extremes. But all i wanted was to be understood and considered as much as I do. I don't care about material possessions. Fancy things.

Just to belong to something.

and she's cute, that's all

I am trying to put myself in the shoes of the pwBPD whose relationship has been very chaotic and who keeps splitting all the time as a reaction. It would make sense to me that this person would be preoccupied with being abandoned because they know that the way they have been behaving tends to cause the other person to end the relationship. It would also make sense that the pwBPD in that position cheat on their partner to somewhat preemptively absorb the shock of being abandoned, by making themselves feel like they have someone else to get attached to. Am I making sense?

Because I can’t ask my former best friend this: If you’ve been the discarder, do you miss that person at all after the discard (or final discard)?

Be 100% honest no holding back I'm not looking for sympathy.

My 19th birthday is in a few days, I have diagnosed BPD and autism. I currently live with my boyfriend of a year.

Me and my boyfriend have a very unstable relationship. I'm very unstable all the classic BPD stuff. He's tired of my shit and is on the verge of leaving me he doesn't trust me or like being around me anymore. He thinks I'm ruining my own life and I should be in a psychiatric hospital he keeps me around because I have nobody else and he genuinely thinks I'm insane. I'm basically a roommate now and he'll kick me out if I don't follow his rules. I understand why he does this. My dad has Bi-polar (my mother strongly believes he has BPD) he thinks I'm a burden and doesn't want me in this house and then tells me he misses me and wants me back I thinks he's finally done though. My father is a total POS my boyfriend backs me up on that and he has treated him and I terribly. I still love him though. I feel genuinely abandoned because I took care of him when he was depressed and had to experience with his abuse towards my mother and I and then when I have issues he just washes his hands of me and only talks to me if he is trauma dumping about his ex girlfriend or yelling at me. It's bullshit but yea hes the only family I have here and he doesn't want me and is mentally ill too so idk how I'm going to fix this.

Career wise I'm constantly getting hired and fired. I have a GED and I keep trying to do college but I always drop out. Self sabotaging and constant psychward stays. No car, no resources. I keep leaving therapy because I sleep in or have meltdown before the appointments. I can't afford therapy now.

I lost alot of my friends because I ghost them or because of my constant public meltdowns. The rest of my good friends funny enough also have BPD.

I can go on. If anyone can give me genuine advice or criticism something I just need and outside perspective please don't sugar coat it be honest. Can I fix this? Is my life over? I want to stop being a crazy abuse asshole but is that even possible? I want to be normal I used to be so kind and empathic but around 17 something flipped in my brain and everything became chaotic.

EDIT: Started taking my anti psychotics after refusing for years. That shit is powerful. Unfortunately it causes my movements to be slow and uncoordinated along with slurred speech along with disorganized thinking. It definitely tames the anger and I've noticed less intense delusions and psychotic symptoms. I'm just very sleepy all the time.

My mom…my mom…my mom…summarized in the “cupboard slamming” years. The era when I didn’t know if my pick of a breakfast cereal would set her off. The years of darkness because she refused to open any curtains in our house.

And yet I loved her. Because she was my mom. I watched her transform from the Queen, to the Witch to the Waif. And I Always was the good child.

She’s been gone for over a decade and still I am paranoid I will be her. I will start down that path. I have the “granny gene” (something in my family that we laugh about because it summarizes the behaviors). Every time someone raises their voices I flinch. I can’t deal with intense emotion.

Sometimes I wish I could live in a bubble. A safe place where I don’t have to do the emotional shuffle. I’m 55 now and I am weary.

i have bpd and me and my bf have been together for almost a year like 5 months in he cheated with a random person on the internet and ever since then everything has gotten so much worse. i’ve forgiven him and things are so much different now i can’t see him doing it again. i always accuse him of cheating when i have no evidence and always feel like he’s suspicious and gonna do it again. i always start fights with him over small things and sometimes he will kinda ignore me and it will make me freak out and i’ll threaten to breakup with him and say really mean things just because i need reassurance. i would never want to breakup with him even though i threaten him with it which i feel like is doing so much damage to our relationship. i feel like i think his life revolves around me because that’s how i feel about him and i forget not everyone has bpd. i always get mad at him because i feel like my feelings are way more intense than his and he doesn’t love me. i always say manipulative things to him just to get reassurance or to make him upset to prove he still cares. i feel horrible about this all. i love him so much and would do anything for him. two days ago i got mad at him over something small and threatened to break up with him and told him he should fuck other girls then i blocked him. i unblocked him today and he told me he can’t deal with the stress anymore and is thinking about breaking up with me. i’m so upset and heartbroken i don’t know what to do. i know i cant breakup with him, what can i do to fix these problems i want to treat my boyfriend right so badly.

So I had a friend from collage with BPD. Our friendship has been rocky. At first I thought it was one of the best friendships I had ever had. Then she went thru a traumatic event, and it triggered her BPD. We had a year of untreated mania that resulted in me leaving for my own good. She reached back out upon receiving treatment, and we had a good friendship.

Unfortunately, I had a medical diagnosis that threw me thru a loop. I found out I spent 15-16 years in worsening daily pain for no reason. Over half my life has been spent trying to deal with crippling pain. I have endo. It was visible on scans 5 years before I got a diagnosis. The pain has been nearly eliminated with an IUD. I had pre existing anxiety, depression, and adhd. All of these were being amplified by my pain, and it was a struggle to maintain boundaries and support another person while I was reeling from pain and how avoidable it all was (I knew it was endo, it runs in my family, I had been saying it's endo over 10 years at that point and had numerous doctors tell me no). I am finally living life with manageable pain, and I feel like a different person. I recognize my pain also hurt her, and while she hurt me, part of that was her reacting to my pain due to feeling overwhelmed and helpless.

I am at the point now where I miss her. I understand I was a lot to deal with while going thru my own medical issues. I don't know if we'll ever have a healthy friendship again, but goving us both a chance to take accountability and try to grow as people seems like the right thing to do.

I just learned that when I scream and yell and get almost black out angry at my partner, it's called splitting, I'm pretty sure. Me and him are on a break right now and during this break I'm doing research on how to better myself while also trying to get on medication. Does anyone have any tips on how to prevent this? Or how to stop it while I'm already in it. It usually happens when my (ex?) Fiance shuts down, he has ADHD and possibly other mental health issues, and he makes it clear I need to leave him alone and to stop what I'm doing but him not fighting back with me makes me so angry and I keep going. Which usually can result in me throwing things and getting violent, I don't hurt him but throwing things and getting like that is still abuse and not okay in the slightest. I don't have an appointment with my therapist untill March 6th so I'd like some tips in the mean time to practice and update him on my progress. Literally any advice would be so helpful

• mother and daughter raise voices at each other a lot and snap. Mother also blames daughter for a lot
• Bullied by brother while younger being called fat etc. live together at home but don’t speak to each other ever
• Body conscious, gets upset and angry at herself when she doesn’t eat right, but tends to do it still. Also can get angry at me if we eat out
• Random outbursts and screaming, e.g. getting her hair wet at the beach etc.
• Very moody
• Fear of abandonment
• Talks in baby voice a lot
• Cute nicknames (baby, Bub etc.)
• Really good in bed
• Impulsive (long story short, slept with someone else on a night out when we were out together when we were talking and pushed it in my face and bragged about it, before exclusive, because she thought i didn’t want anything serious)
• Lots of guy friends
• Did not respect boundaries at the start of relationship
• Very good job and passionate about it
• Feel like I’m walking on eggshells a lot
• Doesn’t like taking blame for her actions
• Thinks everyone hates her (even her friends and says that’s why she always looks for my reassurance because she thinks I hate her)
• Tried breaking up previously, and she love bombed the fuck out of me. Telling me she feels like dying thinking of a life without me etc.
• Talks highly of me to all her friends and family
• Compliments to an extreme
• Has lots of people she doesn’t like. Very black and white thinking with which people she likes and dislikes. But then can switch instantly when seeing them and be their best friend. Unless it’s someone she really hates then won’t even address them, no in between here, either super nice or just ignores them
• Multiple past toxic relationships (I know the guys she dated, they treated her like shit, and aren’t good people)
• Very insecure

Since people wanna get it twisted. I guess I have to be the one to explain. Narcs seek people for the sole purpose of what they can get out of them. If it benefits them.

I have seen this through my mother and my brothers. New supply is the concept of a narcissist idealizing someone to fit into that perfect mold and once someone no longer fits it. Like say no longer giving them sex if they've been not meeting your needs, they immediately move on to whatever. Whomever. It can be a man, woman, hobby, addiction

Borderlines have the favorite person. This is parentifying/spousifying a person who shows them kindness because they've never felt kindness before. In a sense it is idealization but not for the insidious reason like a narcissist. It is simply trying to see the potential of someone of who they could be.

While being blind to red flags because of the way we were taught to express love and receive it by a narcissist caregiver. A favorite person is someone a borderline holds on to for dear life.

A good example of this being knives Chau to Scott pilgrim. The intention, all the borderline wants is simply to be loved. The lines of understanding the different types of intimacy are crossed due to emeshment

I can speak from experience because I was my mother's therapist, middle man, caregiver etc. So I threw all those roles into people. My intention was never to cross boundaries. I just wanted mutual affection and company.

People like my brothers care about money, sex, power, status.

I don't care about that crap. I just want to enjoy people's company and hang out. Help each other out mutually.

While yes idealization and devaluing are both present in these types the reasons for it are different. There is nuances of this.

Narcissists devalue you because they take it as personal vendetta since they feel entitled to everything since they were told no. So they compare you to their caregivers who didn't love them. They villanize you and compartmentalize

Borderlines devalue because of being sensitive to pain. To conflict. They don't want to be reminded of their caregivers and while yes they can try to understand the nuances... It feels like rejection of them as person. Because all they want is to be seen and understood. Not judged or rejected

Narcissists feel entitled to everything. Borderlines feel entitled to love. There.

Many people don't understand why borderlines feel empty. But I think I know why. It's because of the lack of nuture and lack of family

Family is everything in this world and you absolutely need it to survive. You learn everything from them and they're supposed to help you. They build you up so you can safely navigate the world

To be alone is simply not natural and is against human nature. Borderlines lack the foundation of a normal life. They are not taught life skills, social skills or anything of use other than cruel lessons

It is in human nature to need one another and to help each other. That is not to say that the borderline cannot develop a sense of self or their own interests. But because it isn't so obvious they gravitate towards whatever to help heal the empty

To make the pain go away. This is not to say that they cannot figure out other things to fulfill them but a truly fulfilled life follows Maslows hierarchy of needs.

I don't think many folks who don't have this disorder truly realize how fortunate they are to not have this inate hunger for belonging and family. This pain.

They have the safety blanket of belonging. They can comfortably navigate the world and find comfort in knowing someone out there loves them and cares for them. So they dont truly feel alone even when they are.

Even if their family member dies, most likely they'll be established by then. And death is not personal so it doesn't feel like abandonment

As I've learned from a young age connection is everything in this world. You need connections to get a job, to have someone help you when you're in the hospital or what have you

Here's the reasons why borderlines aren't getting better part 2!

Shame and misunderstanding from society. Borderlines are for the most part the scapegoats of their families so they need a lot of help. Normal folks who have regular families will get exhausted with them. Calling them users and asking questions like how come you can't ask your sibling or parent?

Because those people don't care. They simply cannot comprehend family being abusive or there's the whole adage of "oh but they're your family you have to forgive them!" They call you difficult

Listen man, I was discarded by my family years ago. It wasn't a choice. If I had gotten that help I would but my family was to self serving to be bothered by my existence and in need of educating on certain things.

This causes shame and causes the borderline to turn to people who have been in similar situations which could result in a trauma bond because of the judgment they received from others. Do better people!

Another thing is the hyper individualism and selfishness that has become ingrained within society. There is a severe lack of understanding or empathy about mental illness especially in the United states. People don't hold space and will perpetuate toxic positivity

There is such abelism and discrimination towards those that are mentally not the same as you. So basically if you're not "fun" to be around people think it's OK to abandon you and just expect you to function like a normal human. This perpetuates the cycle of the borderlines feeling of unworthiness. Because they can't be happy all the time. Because they are different

Or the adage of "take your pills!" A pill is not going to do anything and from what I've seen in others it doesn't stop the fight or freeze responses. All it does it create a sense of numbness or cause weight gain

The immense pressure to be normal and loveable is insane.

Another factor is area or region. From the friends I've made access to appropriate resources seems to be like playing the lottery. Friends the UK have to win the postal code lottery to get a therapist that specializes in the condition. Some therapists won't even accept you if you have BPD

Cost as well is a factor. If there was more funding towards mental health care to be accessible to those less fortunate people would probably figure out what's wrong with them.

DBT is useless on its own. You need to go to a therapist to actually talk through what happened to you because each borderline struggles with different issues. Different impulses. The therapist might be able to point out something you had no idea was happening. Because the borderlines idea of normal is skewed because of their upbringing

For this I am thankful I happen to have access to these things but it was through trial and error. Not all of my friends are lucky. Some are just reading books. Some are watching videos on YouTube. But the core of the problems need to be individually addressed

The other problem comes from the refusal of partners with BPD to help. To understand the disorder and having this mentality of "I don't have to understand" "you're just bitching" "You're paranoid"

Much like all relationships this is even more of a team sport. What I've noticed in my past friendships is people didn't even set boundaries with me so I had no idea what was going on. It is the job of the partner of the borderline to understand, set their own boundaries, and work with the borderline to create a plan for certain events

Much like it is the borderlines job to figure out their boundaries, understand their triggers, learn self soothing, etc

Team work makes the dream work guys. Don't be like these other people who validate the borderlines feeling of worthlessness by acting like a jerk. Seeing it as a "well there's no point" "there's low reward"

Damn dudes relationships aren't a race you shouldn't be looking for a trophy. The comments of its not worth it is just so fucking disgusting.

I have been spending time trying to zone out to deal with the stress of life. While also trying to heal my inner child at the same time.

This includes watching adventure time and even watching analysis videos on it. I saw a video called the tragedy of Simon petricov And I just couldn't stop crying

I'm scared that once I leave I'll become like he was when he's not ice king. Ice king was considered fun and chaotic. But without Betty he feels purposeless. The crown is a good representation of how you go from normal to bpd

When he says forgive me whatever I do It's like how it is during a split. I never mean the things I say when I'm splitting and I just wish someone would understand that

I'm just as devoted, passionate and philosophical as Simon himself. I'm so tired of being lost in this labyrinth that's my mind that I too want to push people away and isolated

I don't want to hurt anyone I've met. I don't want to be a burden. There aren't that many people out there with the patience. I just feel like once I leave him...

Once I get out I'll just be a boring sad guy as people were describing Simon

But boring sad woman. I wish I wasn't like this I hate how much I feel all at once. I hate how much of myself I'm willing to lose for the other

I just don't want to hurt anyone or burden them with the heavy amount of feelings I havei

I joined this sub looking for advice on how to manage living with a person with BPD, and how to help them.

I have come to realise that none of you are here for that. There's another group about BPD loved ones that is so much worse than this one, but you're both populated with people that believe BPD sufferers are the literal devil.

I had a long, interesting talk with someone in one of my posts. They made a lot of good points, and maybe they're right about everything, but I don't want to run away. This is not what I came here for.

Now, at risk of people thinking I've caught fleas: At least with my wife, I don't see her the way everyone else sees these people. Is it wrong to think that someone is deserving of love, or to love someone so much that you want to work with them to get better? I'm not a masochist. I'm not stupid. I'm stubborn. I won't EVER give up.

I don't know what you've all experienced, but I, for one, refuse to believe that people who suffer from BPD are not human enough to deserve to be loved

Thank you

Not sure what to do.. was with this girl (CPTSD and BPD) I have been trying to further educate myself on all of this .I recently met for about three months. Long distance.. we met each other in person earlier this month and it was mutually lovely. The relationship in my opinion was flawless so far we both matched each other pretty well, and personally I think everything was progressing at an okay pace. I finally decided to visit her (stayed together) as previously mentioned and spent a couple of days, while I was there a family member of hers has been hospitalized and she needs to see them (I’m sure of this).. I never fully got the chance to ask but I assume they passed away due to what follows. She gets more and more distant the next couple of days not answering but is lightly posting on social media.. which is understandable and I give her some space. Couple of days later when I finally reach out to her when she’s been ignoring me… she is now saying the opposite but wants nothing to do with me and mentions things like “I’m not what you signed up for” “I am not what you want” “you are infatuated with what I could be”. When we clearly had these talks before and I reassured her many MANY times this was not the case at all. She has me added still closely on social media and hasn’t blocked me. She is going to the hospital for suicide intervention for a month starting soon. not sure what my place should be in all this she still hasn’t had real contact with me directly but knows I see everything .. I have offered up everything if she needs and wished her luck but is there anything I should know or can do? any advice appreciated thanks. Time kills me.

So I've seen a lot of mentioning of the word hoovering and I'm not really sure what it means, seen it a lot on the lovedones posts, can anyone lmk? Tia ! My uk brain is thinking about cleaning hoovering lol

On the Out of the Fog site, under 'Grey-Rock Safe Detachment', I've read:

"What attracts PD people to Nons is often
- outward beauty,
- common interests,
- sparkling wit,
- sexy demeanor, and
- position in whatever social circle you both were in.**"

I've suspected this for a while. Would anyone have any insight into what the reasoning for this is?

To be clear, a person with a PD is drawn to an individual with these traits, however, they also seem to want to destroy them, and abuse them, and shut them down.
Wouldn't it be easier to choose a target who, for example, isn't 'interesting'? Why choose a target who has a busy life, with interests, wit, etc etc.
I guess I'm trying to understand what exactly is occurring beneath the surface. Outwardly, the person with a PD is acting like they'd become friends with this dynamic person, however, it starts to become clear there is another motivation. What is that? (what are they getting from this, etc)

I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment, and have dealt with quite a bit of emotional abuse & bullying over the past couple of years. I always, quietly, wondered 'why me?' In the sense that, I'm quite responsible - study, work, exercise, cook. I'm also open-minded, have 'intelligent insights' (as I've been told), am quite 'different', solution-oriented, etc. Had I met someone like that, I'd automatically view them in some positive regard. People seem to acknowledge that I have positive traits, they even copy me at times, they can't help make comments about how I have some really good ideas, etc, however, they are the same people who, in due time, have intentionally bullied, ostracised, berated me, etc. Only now really accepting this to myself, and wondering what is actually occurring.

Hello

My bpd wife (35f) , we in DRL since 4 years , in start of Novmber she start to be have no mood and she told me its just becuase of autumn

And suddnly in one day she told me , she not feel love me and we will never continue and she never loved me or like sex with me and she will never be with me .. and she will have new life in this new year ( but she still wear my ring in photos) but she still block me everywhere expect instgram .. maybe just answer with one sentance per day and just ask for money and sometime if i ask her about need money she answer no she work and not need my money and then ask me again .. its all mess not uderstanding but is splitting can continue for this long? Since Novmber till now ? If it split what trigger her ? There were no any problem and she see me a good person but she hate her life and she feel no love for me and i am nothing ( just since 6 month she wrote in instgram that i am the best person in her life and the best fate) .. now she seem hate me and try to humilate me without any reason .. any idea or explain ??