My partner and I met 5 months ago and built a beautiful, loving relationship. There were no significant red flags - he did seem troubled and showed some signs of mental health struggle early on in the relationship, but nothing to cause major worry. He did occasionally express fear that we would end and told me he would be devastated. I reassured him that this was an irrational fear and that I was happy with where we were at. We then started to have a couple of issues and I noticed he struggled to take criticism, getting defensive and pulling away. 

He eventually dumped me out of the blue, saying he loved me and wasn't able to be the partner I needed. I was devastated and fought for us but he seemed resigned to it. We broke up with love and agreed no contact for a while.

Since then he has made multiple bids for connection, which I found distressing as I was trying to get over him and it was in violation of what we agreed. Eventually I decided to send him a gentle message telling him I was going to block his number - that there were no hard feelings but I just needed to move on and protect my peace.

He then sent me an impulsive two-page email, saying how cruel I was and painting me out to be a villain. Up until this point he was the most gentle, loving person I have ever met and I was terrified by the intensity of the anger and the way he had weaponised stuff I had shared about myself and my past out of nowhere. This isn’t the partner I know. 

Having family members with this condition, I realised it is likely BPD and that he has split on me. The blocking has clearly triggered an abandonment wound. He has pretty much all the symptoms - childhood abuse, fear of abandonment, numbness/paranoia… I also realised that the break up probably was caused by this fear of abandonment and that deep down he wants to be with me and is terrified of losing me. It made me even sadder because I just want to love him and be there for him, I never wanted to break up in the first place. 

I still want to be with him, but on the condition he gets proper help for this - DBT. He’s been in therapy for 3 years and has demonstrated he clearly wants to work on himself but I don’t think his therapist knows about BPD and it sounds like she probably enables him. I want to tell him I think he might have BPD, but I feel like he would take it as criticism and turn on me even more. I would love to reconnect with him, but I realise that he may still be split and not be receptive to me contacting him or saying this. 

It’s been a week since the email. How should I handle this?

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share something that might be helpful—a non-invasive sound therapy session designed specifically for BPD. You can use it at home with just a pair of headphones. Listen daily, once or twice, and you should start noticing effects within a week. You can check it out on SoundCloud: https://on.soundcloud.com/cqBqMKRYDR8yRo1FA. This is part of a two-session approach. After a week, I’d love to hear how it worked for you—your feedback could help others too!

Take care!

Hi, I'm relatively new to this sub and to BPD in general since I don't have it myself. I met this girl on bumble in May and we started going on dates. Everything seemed great for a while, no real major red flags. I knew she had some trauma and she shared it with me pretty early, but I also have trauma and didn't really mind. Then things started to move quickly.

Suddenly, she started applying pressure to be "official", then she wanted to post about us on social media, then she wanted to have sex, then she wanted to see each other at least 3 times a week. I would leave her apartment after spending two days with her and she's guilty me inti turning around and coming right back.

The arguments and fights we had were always a blur after the fact and we both seemed to feel awful and making up was great for a while. Eventually, everything escalated until where we're at in August. I, at the recommendation of my therapist, suggested we take a month long break to focus on bettering ourselves while I'm out of town. This suggestion caused her to fly off the handle and spiral. As a last ditch effort, I attempted to force a no contact rule for both of our health. After the barrage of messages that followed, my friend suggested that she might have BPD. I looked into it, and lol and behold, she got the descriptions to a T.

After reading how pwBPD have strong abandonment fears and turbulent relationships, I reestablished contact to get some answers and that's when she told me she was diagnosed at 18 (she's 25 now). I didn't want to be another person who abandoned her when she needed help. Now that we've talked for a few days, she said that she recognizes that she needs help and wants to start going to DBT. She even agreed to my suggestion that we have a weekly check in while I'm out of town instead of going full contact.

I guess my question is this: since she really seems to be accepting responsibility for her condition and wants to get help, is staying with her a good idea? Once again, I really care about her, but my fear is that she's only agreeing to get help so that we'll stay together, but I feel awful for even considering that as a possibility.

Is there any insight or advice y'all could send my way? I'm trying to do what's best for both of us in this situation and don't want to cause any unnecessary pain on either side. pwBPD and nons all welcome to chime in.

Thank you =)

So, as I did remission of depression by TMS treatment with 30days I started living normally and happy again. At the same time I was on 200mg of sertraline and 150mg of sulpiride. That happened in february.

In april girl broke our relationship and that kiled me, i was broken, but I didnt want to go for more antidepressants just becuase someone left me. Even its a harsh thing I found my way how to handle it. In mean time doktor prescribed me quetiapine 50mg morning 50mg evening.

After all, in may/june/july started everything while I was sleeping, I had scary scenes, vivid dreams, dreams where i m going to kill myself, where I put so much pressure on myself.

Therapist said, it will pass. and it mostly did. But therapist said, you re looking good, you re wotking, you are studying, you re playing guitar, you are funkcional and organized so ehy should not put you on smaller dose, and I was like: lets go. Why should I stay on higher does for long time or forever.

So wr did we cut 150mg sulpiride to 0mg we cut from 200mg sertraline to 150mg we cut daily dose of quetiapine (100mg)

So all these three changes are good, but big changer, but still I embieve it will not be big withdrawal.

BUT, idea came to my mind, wait wait, why should not do another rTMS treatment 30 aplications. And so, today were to hospital and created consultations. We have deal, that I will have inauguration talk with doctor, and I will show him fom my last treatments how they afects me - they afects me better than many antidepressants. And of course I will show him whole documentation, and said about dreams, OKP on rasing actually, no depression, but ptsd-anxiety,

So i will show them statistics of last session, and they will through that see that I had good answer on TMS, and everything will go on.

Any questions, just ask.

I am no longer enmeshed. But I can't get over how unfair it is that we missed our life together.

I can't save or reparent her. It's up to her and her therapist over 10 years. Ten years in which it's probably best we NC. After that point our lives will prob not intersect again.

But I was literally there when she finally got the correct diagnosis. I stuck as best I could through 9 months of unintentional hell from her.

I think she would be dead if we hadn't met. Now she has a fighting chance.

I love her still. So much. It seems unfair we probably can't even be friends. Let alone spend our lives together.

I may be getting over our toxic merry go round.

But I can't get over how unfair it is that in a sense I * did * save her. But we don't reap the benefits

so I go down from 200mg sertraline to 150mg, also doctor moved sulpiride 50mg to zero. I'm feeling fine and I think this was a good idea. I don't know if I will have any problems coming off 50mg of sertraline, but the psychiatrist told me that there won't be any problems. So there you have it, has anyone else lowered the dose and what were your experiences?

To be simplistic... It's ten years of DBT after diagnosis to achieve remission.

You cannot be expected to not have friendships or romantic partners for ten years. So what's the official therapy angle on how you manage those?

And , to be blunt, is it a case of trying to manage such relations going forward but not ever being able to go back to friend/lovers you've entered the toxic cycle with before?

It's not that I feel a lot of depression or anxiety, but I want to achieve a balance between health and work. I am currently working two jobs and want to go to psychotherapy. It's a bit of a problem that psychotherapy is organized tomorrow and I work tomorrow, it seems that I will have to sacrifice certain working hours in order to devote myself to mental health. By the way, my goal is to enroll in a doctorate next year after completing my master's degree. I have BPD, depression, anxiety and OCD. It's not easy to deal with everything, I still went through a breakup 3 months ago, but here I want to be an example to everyone how to put health first.

Hi. I'm an ex significant other of a pwBPD. We went thru the BPD relationship cycle 6 times in 9 months.

Online communities including Reddit have been really helpful to me in the last few days so I want to share my experience and thoughts in the hope they might help others as I have been helped. And for your thoughts of course.

1. This is a well trodden path with its own vocabulary.

Discovering these online resources gave clarity and peace to the understanding I actually had from the very begining of our co-bdp relationship. I would have dealt with things better if I had discovered these forums before the latest separation.

2. I now exhibit some BPD behaviour myself as a reaction to the relationship.

It is literally mildly contagious. If someone splits on you it's natural to start splitting back as their behaviour oscillates so wildly. It's not revenge. It's an inevitable reaction. Similarly mirroring, discarding, hoovering. The behaviour may be milder and nuanced with higher motives but I'm tainted. I used to be a 100% real person, basically. The horrible trauma of our relationship - the second love of my life - has compromised my personality.

3. My expwBPD is literally a preverbal infant with a separate, charming, articulate and brilliant speaking part.

They are both loveable. But you shouldn't expect emotional continence, accountability etc from a baby. We don't hold the frankly horrible behaviour of babies against them.

The speaking part of my expwBPD is also loveable.

The problem is the two aren't connected. At all. Like the stopped clock right twice a day, a pwBPD may or may not be saying what they think or feel. In fact, intentionality is essentially a meaningless concept here.

The upshot is if I ever get to see my ex again, I can never converse with her about us, or her condition, or her thoughts and feelings.

I can have philosophical, abstract, humorous, but emotionally superficial interactions with her only.

I love her still. But I can never trust her again. Becsuse her word-self will only ever intersect randomly with her infant-self. It's not good/bad, Jekyll/Hyde, it's a total disconnect between the speaking and feeling bits of her.

Oshey 🙏🏾

Last day my therapist added quetiapine to my therapy, mostly for my mood swings which happens every 2-3 hours, and for my BPD, also for my overthinking and overanalysing, so I have this anxious way of thinking. What do you think will quetiapine and when will help?

hey guys! so i have bpd (obviously lol) and i’m currently working on coping with my splits. I have a boyfriend (he’s 18 and im 19, together for 2 years) and im going with him and his family on a week long trip. they do it every year and this year they invited me. i’m so excited but im also a little worried. his family hasn’t seen a lot of this side of me, as it only really comes out when it’s me and him alone. i’m just worried that a week with no breaks/alone time/space to get angry where it only affects me, i might split in front of them. i’ve been making a lot of progress recently with my bpd, one big step i’ve made recently is knowing im getting upset and taking a break instead of choosing the comfortable option of breaking down and taking it out. any advice on coping strategies? thank you!

I left the bar at the moment because I couldn't see her, because my emotions would go crazy and it is so hard. Is it for you hard to see your ex?

I am going to use this opportunity to explain while I am in my head full of anger. Do you want to know why borderlines are so full of emotion? Like a glass case of emotion?

Do you want to know why we are resistant at points? Because we don't understand why do we have to take accountability for something that isn't even our fault. We literally never wanted to be this way and are just broken empaths suffering at the consequences of narcissistic parents and narcissistic people

I'll tell you where my bitterness comes from it comes from knowing that nobody saved me. Nobody noticed the crap that my family was doing to me. It comes from my life being significantly harder in comparison to most and desiring to be normal so so badly

It comes from the fact that I know I wouldn't be so clingy and so sad if my father was still alive. It comes from the fact my narcissistic mother and brothers created a weird triangulation to force me away from him for many years until my mom died

It comes from finally understanding my father and hurting thar we are now one in the same. That our hyper empathy was taken advantage of over and over again. That I now have the impulses to eat my feelings. That my brothers purposefully made me to be his caregiver so I would be infantlized and socially behind

Knowing that this shit is not normal. Knowing too little too late with barely any proof. I want justice for me. I want justice for my father. That I regret not knowing what narcissistic abuse is and I fell in love with a vulnerable narcissist which was probably an attempt to get the fuck away from my family

I want justice for my nex using love for manipulation and revenge against all the people who enabled him and fed into his fantasy. That because I have all these comorobities it makes it hard to exist. To tell what's real

That I missed out on so much. That because of these narcissistic people... my family that I am roped into the same category as them. I hate my mother so much for fucking me up. It doesn't matter that she's dead. Yet my narcissistic siblings are walking around Scott free. No problems. Everyone loves them because of how charming they are.

Same thing with my nex. But me? I'm needy, depressing, clingy, way too vulnerable way too honest nobody likes that

I want him to pay for using my body taking advantage of my kindness. I want all those fake friends to pay who couldn't see through his facade. I'm tired of being in pain

I know I wouldn't be if none of this happened

I wouldn't be such a jealous person... of course I want to included I just want to be someone's favorite without the manipulation

But to everyone else it looks entitled. But I know it's because of the weird competitions my mom put me and my siblings through for her affections

I want my siblings to pay for screwing out of a good life. I had no idea I had an inheritance or how any of that worked. My dad went senile and they took advantage of that and took everything

I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A HOUSE. I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A CAR. but no they took it all and forced me into homelessness for years I clung to my nex who was also scapegoated in this way

Fuck my mom for taking advantage of my father's heart and killing him slowly. Fuck my siblings for believing her lies and neglecting him when all he wanted was company. FUCK THEM ALL

I also have modafinil and sulpiride in therapy.

I posted this months ago on BPDLovedones subreddit (which I regret) and my ex had my Reddit user (which I had to delete) and started harassing me till I had to report her to the police.

She is probably a quiet BPD and I would like to find some help from people who have or not BPD.

My ex girlfriend and long term friend highly probably has BPD but I don’t know what to do to get her to therapy

Long story.

I have been treating with my therapist the fact that I have been in several relationships or situatioships with girls with BPD. After several personality test it ended showing that once I meet a person with BPD we strongly attract each other. After talking with him about first my friend and later girlfriend (now ex girlfriend) we ended agreeing that she suits very well to BPD traits and is highly probable she has BPD: family problems at a young age, anorexy as a teen, she tried to kill herself at that time having to stay at the psych ward, a lot of self harm.. apart from what I’m going to tell now:

I met this girl 5 years ago by coincidence on social network. It was a long distance friendship. We became quite intimate friends in a short time. Everything went perfect till one day after a year or so she started ghosting me gradually to finally completely disappear. At that moment I told her to take care of herself and bye (she didn’t even say goodbye).

The things is about 6 months later she reappeared writing me at dawn while she was drunk telling me she loved me, that she thought about me everyday, that she kept my poems with her and all the letters and I sent her. That she couldn’t be without me and to please forgive her. I’m a fool and I forgave her to just get ghosted again about 2 months later which caused me a ton of pain as I made her promise she wouldn’t ghost me ever again and she lied. I just told her to take her to take care of her plant as she named her as me cuz she said she loved me so much and I was so important to her that she usually named her plants as important people.

After this I noticed that a couple months later a fake instagram account which was really suspicious as it was from a girl from the big city next to her town followed me (it ended being her as she confessed me when we started dating). But apart from that nothing happened.

On March next year I was through a depressive episode and I was so weak to write her an small text telling her how good friends we used to be and that maybe she didn’t gave a shit but I missed her. No response.

It was in May after my birthday when she reappeared with a long text as last time telling me how much she missed me and how bad had been her life (drug abuse, being expelled from her house by her mother, between the bad things), that she cried a ton when her plant named as me died, that she had been a terrible friend, asking for forgiveness. And as the fool I’m I forgave her. We quickly started talking a lot and started flirting and ended up with her traveling to my country to spend 9 days at my house. Probably the best 9 days of my life (and hers as she said). We started dating and stayed again later for 15 days, again the best days of my life (and hers too as she said). Then she started her internship practices and started to get depressed. I noticed everytime I had an small depressive episode (I have mental health issues too) she was so mad at me and had zero empathy on how I was feeling. Her depression went worse and she just wanted to distance and time for herself. She was really frustrated cuz she was going to come again to my house on December but as I had my family not wanting at first her coming the flight ticket was too expensive for her to come. She even believed it was not me wanting her to come. I believe that made her start her devaluing me.

The huge change came when I got another deep depressive episode due to bad medical news. Our relationship changed completely, she was mad sometimes without reason, sometimes it was me due to the frustration of her not wanting to spend time with me as it would have helped me cope with the depression.

She finally broke up after having a break were at first she was so close and lovely asking to tell each other good night cuz she missed it, telling me that she loved me and that I was her love to just disappear for days. I finally fed up and stop writing her. When she noticed she just broke up. Apart from the cruelty from the break, giving me fake hope, she was extremely cruel saying I was making her life miserable and that I was just a lazy person for having depression (my depression is weird and I can only rely on meds and literally can’t do anything to get better).

Things ended quite bad with me ending at the psych ward cuz i couldn’t handle the person I loved the most hated me so much from sudden.

The thing is my therapist half obliged me to send her a letter to cut ties. In that letter I tried to convince her to go to a therapist as she has a high probability of having an mental health issue (without mentioning BPD). My psychiatrist who knew her since the day we met and knew all she did apart from what she told me about her past said he was absolutely sure she could have BPD. She got so mad telling me i was calling her crazy. It’s true that I was mad in the letter as she had been so damn cruel with me, I asked her to burn my letters and poems and to sell all the books I gave her, also my shirt and a videogame I gave her for her birthday (specified that but later she took that as deleting everything we shared and was so cruel with me too). She was so mean to me since then. Note: she blocked me when the harassing I mentioned before, that was after this post was published, and I blocked her everywhere. She posted on my mental disorder subreddit for SO that I was obsessed with her (without saying I have been on medication and therapy for 8 years and completely stable, and making me look as a crazy dude who could harm her, and she was literally saying it was me the one with BPD (I was so damn affected I ended up asking my psychiatrist if that was possible and he told me I’m the opposite of someone with BPD) manipulating a lot of things) cuz I was “crying” on WhatsApp status, Reddit (that’s when she admitted she had my user which was impossible to have it unless she took my phone while sleeping), and Spotify where I made childish playlists and added a pic on her on a breakup playlist I made just to make her mad cuz I was mad. The thing is she could have just blocked me everywhere if I was obsessed with her, she was looking continuously my social networks to see if I was crying for her.

She really needs to go to a therapist. I want her to be okey, even if it’s without me in her life. I cried from day to day because it makes me very sad seeing her like that. Highly dysfunctional as my psychiatrist told me. Note: after all these months I don’t have any hope.

As most of people, no one around her knows about mental illnesses and less about BPD. Also her only and best friend doesn’t see the problem as she is not a very stable person doing also drugs (her boyfriend made her move to a city 2 hours away from my friend as I believe he noticed my friend is a bad influence cuz before dating both, the boyfriend and the friend of my friend, lived in the same city and that’s quite weird).

My friend is probable a quiet BPD and doesn’t see the problem and probably believes is everyone except her. She lost all her friends except her only friend and she believes is everybody fault and not her.

Trust me, I’m not perfect and maybe when we broke up I did a lot of wrong things, but as a friend I was the best friend I could be and she ghosted me twice even I treated her with so much love.

I’m really concerned cuz she probably went back doing “a ton of drugs to cope” as she told me before dating (she stopped doing drugs when we started dating).

I’m really scared about what could happen with her. She has a really bad past, her family can’t help her too much as they are also on drugs (except her mom) and I’m scared she could even die at some point from an overdose. Also I’m really worried cuz she will be her whole life doing to someone else what she did to me and probably having a bad time over and over again. My psychiatrist just told me to make me feel less sad about this situation that around 40 she will have a better life as her BPD will be a mild version of what she has now. Still worried.

I don’t mind not getting back together even if I wanted. I want my friend to be okey and to be able to have a regular relationship with her and her with other people in the future.

What can I do now that we have been in No Contact for almost 4 months? The sorrow I have for not being able to help her kills me.

I have decided that by her birthday I will send her a goodbye letter saying sorry for all I think I did bad and for the things she said I made her life miserable. I will add all the poems I wrote her while dating and during the mourning to compensate telling her to burn my letters and poems. I want to end things well as I still love and appreciate her as she has been in my life for so long.

I wish she was aware about her mental illness and went to therapy as I know she could be a functional person and have a normal life. By now I can only take her out of my life and it hurts so damn much. The person I loved the most and who made me cry the most during these 5 years of friendship and dating.

I perfectly know that if she found out this post she would be so damn mad and would hate me even more she does now if that’s possible.

To those of you who have a quiet BPD, will she ever notice? Will she be okey? I know being in trouble and doing drugs doesn’t seem very promising. I love her as a person cuz I know she can be the nicest girl I know and a really valuable person, but she needs help.

Thanks for those who’ve read all this and for those who comment

Advice!

Partner is military and we’re thinking about getting married. I don’t want my mental health to affect him or me more negatively than it already does ((I’m going through therapy and working on it & I have bipolar as well)). Are there better ways to make it work for us or anything we should know before hand??

A notable improvement with my BPD diagnosed mother is ability to communicate about problems, with her understanding and agreeing. This includes things like explaining how something is important to me, how some of her actions hurt me, and how some things she does put her into a worse emotional state and suggesting other better alternatives. This can be calm and reasonable. She can express impressive understanding, insight, and even some caring.

But the problem is that it generally makes no difference in future behaviour.

Here is one example: I recently explained how time spent outside on my own is important for my well-being. Later she did things to discourage that, and then seemed okay with it but did something while I was away that hurt me and made me feel less safe about spending time away from her.

Reflecting on this, it seems such communication that makes no difference makes me more angry afterwards. The way I explained things before and she seemed to understand and agree compounds the upset feelings afterwards.

Also, communication can seem draining, like making an effort, yet that effort seems wasted.

I'm not sure how to handle this. She also had counselling with several different people, and communication there seemed to make no difference.

The structural dissociation model probably explains this. The communication that seems successful is with the apparently normal part. When emotional parts take over, that communication becomes irrelevant.

I guess I'm looking for validation that this is textbook, and I am looking at this correctly. I guess that is the effect of being gaslit - you don’t know your reality is really your reality. But I am here, and asking for help, because I will need to see him for the next 12 years (our kids go to the same school). This will be in passing and at events, but I am traumatized, still recovering, and just scared. I am looking for some insights because I spent about 2 months trying to fit my story into a box of emotional and narcissistic abuse…. But it's not that....I see that now. If you are able to share tidbits of knowledge, or point me in the direction of more clarity, I would appreciate it so much. 

I am going to write out the cliff notes. I imagine a lot of you can fill in the parts I leave out as from what I read on here, it’s typical. 

I met him walking my kid to school. He walked the same way every day. Over time, we became friends, and I learned he was trying to leave his marriage. Once he did, the relationship happened fast – too fast. He seemed so 100 percent sure of me and it was odd. I often looked disheveled walking to school and tired….I am not sure what he saw in me. But, I felt sure of him too, but wanted to go slower. I tried to slow it down, but at the same time, didn't. I am responsible for that. I felt like a hamster on a wheel after a few weeks and was able to tell him that I need the weekdays for myself, for my work, and for my kid. He seemed to respect that.

But he often romanticized the first few weeks together....even in the last days. 

Quickly, I started to notice the emotional dysregulation. There was a lot going on for him: moving out, going through the divorce, parenting, work….so I understood it. I was also still getting to know him. Then severe trauma responses and triggers started happening. They would lead to these large child-like reactions with a lot of tears and anger. I didn't understand it but knew enough to know he had trauma to work through, and perhaps was feeling it for the first time. Each time this happened, there was nothing I could say to help or get him out of it, he would blame me a lot and say I was the cause, and he expected me (without saying it) to be there for him 110% even though I couldn’t. And truthfully, I didn’t want to….I wanted him to be able to handle that for himself or realize it was an issue. I didn't have the tools to deal with it and suggested he try deeper therapy. He agreed.

When he first met with the therapist, she told him it is like a virus takes over his brain and he is convinced in those moments. That was music to my ears at the time. But that is the last time I felt that way.

After a few months of this cycle continuing, I started detoriating. First my mental health, and then my physical health. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like we couldn’t go a few days without him reacting to something small. I wrote in my journal many times “there's no amount of validation I can give this person.” 

I didn't point it to excessive adoration and validation, I could not see that really, but if he texted me 5 things and I responded to all 4 logistical ones and ended with "love you too" I was chastised. If I was driving and did not respond to an “i love you,” I was called out for it. At the end of October, I told him I needed the weekend to clean my apartment. It happened to be 60 degrees that day and of course, I would have preferred to be outside, but I am an adult and could not blow off my commitment to myself to clean. That day he messaged me 18 times that me missed me. He kept inviting me out. I kept asking him to stop, because clearly I would prefer to do something else than clean, but needed to. The missing was excessive. I didn’t even know what he meant. We lived next door to eachother. That night, I had to work, and he was upset with me because to him, it was optional and I should have chose to see him.

There were so many moments when he wanted so much comfort I couldn't provide. We were both single parents. That kind of affection goes to my kid....and I couldn't give it to him in that way. He would even want the affection when he hurt me. 

He would see my daughter freak out at me and then say that I don’t love her enough, and he would joke they are the same….

It wasn’t a joke?

As time went on, and his therapy went on, and he felt validated by the therapist, the blame came on more and never left. It started in August, and even when I'd get an apology, it would be for the impact (what I'm responsible for) and not his intent. He'd argue with me over seeing his intent clearly. I'd say I don't care about your intent, you're killing me. It didn’t matter, nothing did. 

I never felt like we could repair any incidents. As the blame went on, I really questioned myself. I wondered if he was right. What if I don't love enough? What if I don't receive love well? I've been in therapy for 20 years and know I have limitations but I'm not an asshole…

I felt coerced a lot of the time. 

I felt he wanted me to change a lot....he wanted me to be less blunt, more loving, more balanced, work less even though he was awful with money, have sex when sick, injured or mentally dead from the day, always be happy to see him, don't be affected by the trauma responses and don't try to talk to him about it, don't take space and if I do, prepare for some kind of punishment, love him and miss him endlessly, do everything together, if I am dysregulated, he wanted me to regulate with him….

I noticed I started taking precautions to keep myself dafe. I didn’t realize I was setting boundaries to prevent the abuse but I was. I’d say I was busy when I wasn’t. I wouldn’t accept or ask him to get me from the airport, knowing I would not be 100% happy after a flight and that would cause a fight (as it did). I didn’t ask for help, and when I did ask for help, I would expect the help to not happen. I did not communicate anything he did “wrong” (like, you said you would drop off quarters for laundry on monday….do you have them?)

There were a lot of moments we would have deep conversations and I felt like we were getting somewhere, that he heard me. 

I'll fast forward to the end because this is already way longer than I wanted….and it’s sad that I know it could be so much longer.

In the last month, he reacted and blamed me for everything. There were at least 5 major incidents. After the last one, I told him I was done. It was really bad and left me spending $50 to uber home in the snow, when I could barley walk as is (I had a herniated disc in my back and could barley walk). That month, I lost health insurance, and after begging for time to just take care of the injury, he told me we need intensive couples counseling. I had asked to just continue our therapist until we could change. That wasn't enough. The next weekend he asked me to go to a Gottman weekend. I said I couldn't leave my kid to do that right now and needed to take care of my help.

After that snow episode, that was really bad, laced with blame in the unpacking, I said I'm done, I can't do it. I was crying uncontrollably. I was scared. I really did not know who I was speaking to. After an hour, right when I needed to leave, he snapped out of whatever mindset he was in and told me he'd do anything, that he would work on anything, to please stay. I had to go, I could not think anymore. So in desperation, the only thing I asked for was to go alone on a trip with my daughter. He was scheduled to come with us. I said I needed time just with her. He agreed. 

And honestly, he held up his end of the bargain....until he didn't.

3 days before the trip everything fell apart. I worked 12 hours that day and at the end of the day, went to pour water in a cup at home. It was the only time we had together before I left for the week. He hugged me from behind while I was pouring the water (....remember herniated disc in my back). I asked him to please stop and just let me have a second to pour the water.

He said "there's no turning back from this" and got his stuff to leave. I was floored. I was so upset because I knew where this was going - the blame game. He left, wouldn't come back, and then continued to blame me for the next 2 days about how I was an asshole the days before, only spent time with him out of obligation (not true), and rewrote history. I had a stomach bug all weekend and could not eat, but still tried to hang out as much as I reasonably could, and that was not enough. 

The water incident was Wednesday, Thursday he had therapy and reinforced the blame, and I ended up leaving without saying goodbye. It was a week. I wanted to believe this relationship could survive a week. But I was clear with him days before: I am working up until I need to leave Friday so I can have real time off with my kid. He was upset I did not find him to say goodbye, even though he made no attempt to make peace earlier. But of course, my fault. 

That night, he claimed down. Was nice. But it was a trap. After 12 hours of him being nice in text he said he was only doing it hoping I felt remorse and realized how wrong I was. He told me over and over he wouldn't see it differently. He said he read the transcript of our texts to 2 therapists and his friends and it’s clear: I am wrong. May be important to name here that we are both in our late 30’s.  

I said that I want to work this out and  I'll talk when we can actually discuss it and I'm willing to hear his side but not willing to blindly take all responsibility. He nailed me on every response, telling me how wrong my response was and what I should have done differently. 

I was with my kid and could not talk. When I said "why are you doing this now, you know I can’t really respond" he told me to stop avoiding. 

That night, he ghosted me for the first time in the relationship and I panicked. I called him a few times. No answer. 

The next day, despite him never doing that to me before, he called me controlling for calling.

At 7am the next morning he told me our relationship was over in a text. This man, who 7 days before was professing his love and understanding of me ended the engagement in a text. This of course continued with a back and forth. I asked him to please stop. To please pause and talk to me when i'm back in 5 days. He told me to fight for the relationship or it was over. I said “I am just waking up with my 7 year old, in a hotel, please stop.” I asked him to attend couples therapy in 3 days to talk this out. He said “you accept all responsibility and change your behavior or we are done.” I asked if he was willing to talk and he said the problem was my perception and that it's wrong, so unless I change we are done. I knew this wasn't ok but I was so blindsided I did not know what to do. He agreed to go to couples therapy Thursday. We barley talked. There were a few more messages of him telling me he needs to know I can live a drama free life and celebrate his love and see it all as beautiful (almost verbatim). At this point, all I wanted to do is keep the dial down. I pushed back saying, “I cannot teach my daughter that someone can just tell her that her emotions and feelings are wrong, I hope you will be willing to talk and we can get on the same page.”

He agreed to go to couples therapy, and then didn't show up. He texted me 10 minutes before saying he was not going. I begged and pleaded. But he had the couples therapist to tell me he wasn't going to go. He had her tell me. I lost it. I lost my mind. I had been reeling for days. Not sleeping. Putting on a fake smile all day with my kid while I was dying inside. Staying up late to cry, process, read, figure out wtf was going on…

I called him about 10 times and of course, he told me it was inappropriate. He then picked up and gave me 10 minutes. He again wanted me to take all responsibility for everything. I was so shaken, I just fawned. I said ok. When I'm back I hope we can talk but if you want me to accept blame for now, fine.

Everything was calmer for 2 days until we were heading back and he texted me something along the lines of "don't fool me" I was like wtf? He said "there's no turning back. There's no other chances." I was like wait what? And then it was "don't make me look like a fool" I had no idea what was going on. I was like "um what is this?" He essentially was reinforcing his stance: I am to blame for everything in the present and past. If I try to talk to him about his side I'm wrong. I need to repent and one wrong move (defined by him) is a misstep and there's no room for error (his words). I was like....I will be in a relationship based in reality, and I will own my part and parts, but i will not be in something that i'm to blame for everything. That is not healthy. I have also been in abusive relationships before. 

He then stopped messaging me. Didn't care that we got into flight issues. Didn't care we made the flight back. That night he came over and was a victim. Claimed in the 5 days I was gone he found himself. That he wasn't focused at work because of me and now he is. He wanted to try to be together. I had no idea what reality I was in. We slept together. He left. And told me we'd talk the next day. All of this felt so weird but I was just hoping he would snap out of this and back to reality and we would be able to talk. But I also knew this had to end at this point. 

The next day, he didn't answer me all day. This was the opposite of behavior I ever experienced from him. Did not respond to texts or pick up the phone. We had a training appointment and he had the trainer tell me he wasn't coming. I broke down in tears. I begged him to just answer a text. He didn't. He drove by me while walking the dog and did not stop. I emailed him, expressing my confusion, telling him this is not what we agreed to. He blocked me. That night I got an email from him letting me know he was moving 10 min away. He lived next door in another apt building. He actually assured me the day before he “was not going anywhere.” In that email, he listed out the calls and texts I sent and how inappropriate it was. He never said we were done. He said taking space, needing space…so in my head I was confused but see it now.

I was inconsolable. I didn’t respond.

But here is the issue I am still in: I needed to see him dropping his kid at school the next day. I will need to see him for the next 12 years unless I move. 

The following Friday he stood next to me at a school event. I purposely stood in the back to have space and be able to leave if I needed to. He went next to me. When I told him he should sit, he said he didn't want to make it obvious to his ex wife. I asked him to speak that Friday. He said ok but he was moving. I cried instantly. Already? I said ok. 

On Saturday am, I saw the truck pull up and left the house.  I called him that Saturday. I was blocked. 

The next wednesday he asked me for a series of logistics in a text. None of which I handled yet. Wanting me to cancel flights and settle up money spent together. No mention or responsibility for all the money wasted on tickets we will never use. But then…in the text, asked for my engagement ring back. 

I responded to logistics. Not the ring

He then called me 3 hours later because something went really wrong in his legal case. He wanted me to understand and validate him. I did....I just turned off my feelings for a moment. At the end he said, so about the flights. Can you handle it? "If i cancel it for you and your son i also have to do it for me and my kid. It's all on the same reservation" "well if you can go and not make sexual advances on me then we can try to go together.” I was like wtf? I could not have sex for months due to my injury. But he wanted to. Was this way of setting up blame that if we DID sleep together I would be to blame? I was like “I will cancel it for all of us.” 

He then ran down more logistics and I said honestly you didn't seem done. I don't understand what you're doing. He said "im done" i hung up the phone. 

He asked me for the ring again that night in a text. I said no, I need time to process this.

Everything since then has been a transaction. If i have a genuine emotion, he gets upset that i have it at all. He continues to sit next to me at school events because he claims he does not want his ex-wife to think we are done (this is insane to me….).  I realize now that if it is a “good” interaction he is happy. If I am sad, then it is a “bad” one.

He never told his son we broke up, and shamed me for telling my daughter.

Recently he asked me a question and I was annoyed, and he said "can you not be mad at me?" I said “no, I can't not be mad at you…”

In the last 3 months, he’s said "I don't want to confuse things" has come up a lot. I don’t know if he is saying that to me or himself. 

I have been so stuck trying to understand how I could not take space at all from him, to being totally discarded. I know he went back to spending, and drinking, but I don’t think he is seeing anyone. 

He only responds when he wants to. He ignores other things. I never was able to get an MRI for my back because the claim went through a DR he set up for me and he never sent me the info when I asked.

I got the money back he owed me, but still lost so much money. 

He told me he missed me one time.

I don’t know who this person is. 

I will have to see him for the next 12 years while the kids are in school unless I move. I am not going to move just to avoid him, but I need to heal so I can be strong enough. I don’t know if he is going to try to come back. I have been in therapy and am getting clearer about what brought me into this in the first place. 

Any clarity you can help me with, on this, and what may come from here, would be really helpful. It will help me direct some of my searches and begin to piece things together to process in therapy. I have severe anxiety when I run into him at school. 

I have never had to heal from something like this before. At first, I thought it was healing from a narcissistic discard….this feels like so much more.

Does it sound like he will want to come back?

Is there ever closure?

One challenging thing with my BPD diagnosed mother is that minor totally innocent things can trigger intense expressions of emotional pain. It can seem as if I did something extremely horrible.

A recent example was playing a TV series episode we had already watched. She was not in the same room and wasn't watching the TV or even able to see it. But she heard it, recognized the episode and quickly responded in a very intensely emotional way. She didn't ask me to stop or play something else.

These things seem to have no lasting impact on her. She wasn't upset at me about this afterwards. But I found the experience overwhelmingly painful and became upset about it. The intensity is hard to convey. Her response might make sense if I played the worst video I could find on the internet.

Clearly these expressions are driven by other emotional pain that she is holding back. I see they happen when she is in a worse emotional state. When she is in a better state, they don't happen.

This seems to be the general problem with all the bad behaviours. She does not seem to have a lack of self control. The problem is allowing emotions to build up to the point where even strong self control is defeated. More self control can't really fix this, because it might only mean emotions building up even more. That buildup is the problem that needs to be addressed.

I met someone with BPD a few years ago and it seemed like a good friendship, we were intimate a few times but that was part of the relationship we had, closest thing I can relate it to is a situationship? We were also a bit long distance, not seeing each other much but talking nearly everyday. One day they meet someone new and begin neglecting me, it hurt quite a bit, especially cause it was so sudden and many of their texts had a hint of pushing me away. Not too important considering that they soon left that person and we got back in contact almost the same as before, or so it seemed. I didn't trust them anymore, I always kept my distance, and anytime we could be intimate I tried my best to not be, I really lied through that whole part of our relationship. It came to an end when they met new people once more, and once more neglecting me, it didn't hurt as much this time, given that my trust was broken and it was a bit expected by now. It's still on my mind especially since my last message to them was a goodbye, admitting my lies and how I truly felt since we got back, I never received a reply from that, would've liked one, but I get why they wouldn't. Not sure what I'm asking for here, reading about BPD, it was expected for something like this to happen, they told me themselves that I'd mostly likely be hurt, which is why I don't hate them or resent them, it's not like they chose to have it, and they truly tried their best to be better, but I just couldn't go through that again. I guess I just want to put it out there and maybe hear opinions about the situation, but just putting it out is more than good for me

My ex-friend with bpd suddenly cut all contact with me a year ago. Afterwards she started to get in contact again. From summer on. In November she asked of I wanted to meet up again. In December she pointed a day for having dinner in January. She cancelled last minute. In between she called me sad, weeping about her life. In March told me another sad story. Last week she suggested meeting up next week. Im looking so forward to it. I miss her since the discard. But Im afraid she will cancel again. The day was pointed out but we dont have an exact restaurant to go to yet. I dont want to ask because in the past she felt overwhelmed soon. How can I mentally prepare? Our history is long. Too long to write. With a lot of push and pull from her side and 2 times she threw me out of her life. Meaby there is/was some romance involved. I dont know what to do.

My gf (25) has bpd, and has always been really open and honest with how it affects her. We had a very quick intense relationship (we've been together for just over 2 months) but it feels like much longer. Everything was really smooth sailing until she started struggling mentally and taking it out on me. She always apologised and I never wanted her to feel guilty as its not her fault so would forgive her quickly. I also did lots of research on how to help.

She is also in contact with her ex which she was always honest about but it bothered me, and she would often blow up at me over small things, then last night in bed she asked me to make her a cup of tea and I said no I wasn't getting out of bed. This resulted in her saying she gives everything to the relationship and I give nothing. This morning when she asked me what was wrong, I told her, we had a big fight, and we broke up.

Today has been really difficult as she's been messaging me lots of hurtful things and suggesting suicidal thoughts.. I'm not sure what to do at this point or how to help her.

Any advice? I feel so guilty for ending things knowing she is struggling so much

She keeps reminding me of how she looked after me when I was sick and now she's sick I'm not helping her.

HI all. I was hoping for your honest opinions and advice. I'm 32F, he's 36M.

I started seeing this man after we ran into each other a couple of times at a plant store, he being a manager and me a customer. We met about 8 months ago and interacted maybe a dozen times. He was always very professional and kind, but we slowly started flirting with each other and eventually we traded numbers. Within the first hour of communication he let me know he is diagnosed BPD with PTSD. We have now been courting for two weeks. I consider myself to be a VERY calm, stable, empathetic and considerate person. However I am in still working on codependency issues due to childhood.

He has 50/50 custody of his three boys, healthy pets, established hobbies, a good friend group, his own nice apartment, car, a steady job etc. He does consider himself a Satanist and believe in ghosts and angels but not like he can see them or communicate with them. He's been in therapy for 6 years and medicated for the same amount of time. He has been VERY open about his BPD and issues it's caused in the past, and he is EAGER to continue to grow and recover. He absolutely loves his boys and you can tell they adore him. He's been married before and has been in a few relationships, one of which was stable. We have not gotten to the point of discussing why his most recent relationships failed.

He is so sweet but I do believe that he might be love bombing or starting to obsess over me a bit. I will say that he is the easiest person to speak with (I struggle with social anxiety) and makes me feel very safe. We are very different people with different interests and debate and disagree amicably with no tension or anger. We do have a few things in common, like some hobbies or coincidental things. One of which being severely traumatic childhoods which he got BDP from and myself anxiety (in remission for over a year now!) for which we both were in therapy for many years.

Edit: I let him know that I am here to support him and seek to understand and not judge.

We went on our first date to watch the sunset and eat a picnic on the river. We spoke for about four hours and it was really wonderful. We went on another date to a garden, and we have hung out in person a few times. We text frequently.

We kissed and since then he has been showing mild signs of obsession. I have set strict boundaries in place and he also has his kids, who he asked would not be involved in our relationship until we actually become serious which I saw as a good sign. He has spoke about our future and I reminded him that we aren't dating yet, need to get to know each other, and make sure that we are a right fit and he agrees. He says he would like to take it slow as it is and that he wants to be sure I'm a good fit for his life especially in regards to his kids. He made it clear that until we become serious, the days he has his boys are off limits. However, he has already made it clear that he wants to date me eventually.

However, there is the question of love bombing as well...he has made a lot of promises in regards to holding himself accountable, not hurting me, and striving to avoid having any splitting episodes or mental breakdowns and he advised me of his triggers. He is soooo supportive of everything I want to and treats me like I'm the perfect woman despite differences of opinion at times. He doesn't mirror my hobbies or interests though.

I have seen him mildly upset once before but it was reasonable anger over a valid concern and he was able to come back from the emotion and be neutral again after complaining for a moment.

What do you guys think? I do genuinely really like him and would be willing to date him as I believe I have the mental resources to handle it, but if the love bombing and obsession are immediate precursors to issues this early I want to make sure that I don't make a bad decision and hurt him more than necessary down the road if I know I need to leave.