After my most recent soul searching it dawned on me that I (very unwillingly) have a habit of attracting various types of approval seeking people, a fact I suspect related to being the child of a borderline waif.

I’ve been wondering if other children of waifs experience the same issue or - better yet - have resolved it and would be willing to share their process?

Hello -

I was curious if anyone has had similar experiences. My BPD mom every year will get upset or start crying when we give her gifts because she says she’s not good at accepting gifts and it makes her upset and feel bad. Mind you she’s been in therapy for like 20 years, but somehow this has never been worked on???

Then each year now she says how next year there won’t be a Christmas because she’ll be dead. And last year she got upset my dad was giving her gifts because she thought that I would get upset that she was getting more gifts than me. I’m 32 years old. Why would I care.

It’s just the same thing each year but god forbid I mention this is something that is annoying and it would turn into a blowout fight.

Unlike a lot of folks on here, my dBPD mom never made me be her therapist; she was a witch type who styled herself as a brute and a bully, so she just wanted to frighten me, not be coddled or pitied. Still, on a subconscious level, I spent all of my childhood trying to manage her and my narc-ish dad's moods, just to make my own life survivable.

I am many years NC with her and LC with dad, and I have made progress on many fronts. But I find that the urge to expend all my energy on managing the moods of those around me stays strong. Loved ones like my husband and best friend encourage me to not do this with them, but it flares up elsewhere, especially at work.

I have a new coworker who is very nice to me, but also seems to very clearly be struggling with a lot of personal issues and unhealed trauma. She's had mood fluctuations that are inappropriate to the workplace, and I can feel my mind working overtime to make sure i don't end up under fire. She's sent out the bat signal to my PTSD Kid brain: manage this woman's moods!

(I just started the job & she's been there 15+ years, so she's not going anywhere).

It's taking up time needed for actual work, and I need to find a way to stop. So I am curious: have any of you broken yourself of the habit of trying to manage the moods of others?

My uBPD mom and I have been VLC for a few months since I finally decided to (very calmly and kindly) stand up to her during one of her melt downs. After I left she gave me silent treatment for a few weeks, I tried reaching out a couple of times and she ignored me. Since then we’ve messaged briefly over birthdays etc and that’s all. The low contact has been difficult as I was severely enmeshed with her til now. I’ve been working through the FOG with help from my therapist and I’ve come so far, I finally feel as close to peace as I can imagine under the circumstances. There’s now 0 drama in my life and I feel calm. It made me realise that LC was essential for me the past few months.

The issue is, she has some serious health issues right now and I still hold a lot of guilt around this. I know she will see it as me abandoning her the past few months. My family members all say she’s waiting on me to reach out again to her. Even though I am not in the wrong whatsoever. It’s always me that’s expected to run to her and fawn and apologise. The time apart has made me realise how much doing that has affected me mentally throughout my life. I don’t want to do it anymore. Every time I think about reaching out I’m filled with dread. Because this isn’t a logical person, this is someone that will expect me to fulfil all of her emotional needs and agree to her distorted perception of events. So I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to go full NC but approaching her again to try to ‘fix’ our relationship fills me with dread. Anyone else been through something like this?

Have you ever been physically stalked by a parent and/or guardian?

I think I have to go NC. I feel so unbelievably suffocated being VLC. It is literally torture having to avoid her 24/7. I asked her for space, she keeps breaking that boundary and she's getting my grandparents to be her flying monkeys to make me feel bad. I literally feel like I cannot breathe when she contacts me or when I walk past her at work (we work together unfortunately). Once I leave this job, I think that's it. I've finally accepted that she will never meet my expectations and will constantly just make me feel tense. Apologies for the rant - I feel I just needed to vent somewhere that feels safe ❤️

I have been recording my “conversations” with my BPD+Mom to show my therapist, today she had her male friend over and I overheard them talking about me, what I managed to get on recording was the end of “Why are you defending him? You’re my friend, you’re supposed to be taking my side and reassuring me, not telling me I’m in the wrong. I know that I’m in the wrong 99% of the time, I just don’t want him to know that so I tell him it’s all his fault.”

I have had a ton of overthinking about if I’m the abusive one, or if I’m the horrible person, but that’s because of her constantly drilling in my head that “I’m abusive”, a “manipulative gaslighter”, or a “toxic man”.

My last post will give context as to why this break is happening. Any time I see her, she rains pain and blame and I’m always crying and fighting to stay alive.

A complete break and NC is not as simple to obtain as it seems and I don’t want to impart details here because it doesn’t maintain privacy. Therapy as a guide to navigate an unnavigatable(that’s not a word but it should be) situation because I live under this (see details I can’t impart), it feels like it would definitely be wasted money on a situation no one can solve and there is no escape. I seriously just want to put my forehead on a table and stay like that for a very long time.

I’m so frustrated, friends. I was finally feeling ok again before she dropped. I was happy-ish and singing — I’m a pretty resilient person, or at least I have a strength to find happiness in little moments even when things are very bad. Now I’m staring in the mirror at eyes that have been crying. She raged and she tells me I have a problem with people, I’m going to fail at work, I’m not going to like the real world because people are mean and she’s mean to me to get me to act right, to protect me from the world, like I haven’t lived in it. She’s saying I’ll have a hard time finding someone to date who is nice or normal. And asking if I’m taking an antidepressant because I seem too upset by her ambush and yelling rage. That the whole immediate family thinks I’m broken and not grown up, that I won’t change my mind about anything, that I have a problem with absorbing reality with accuracy. It’s not true, but through her eyes and her retelling to others and brainwashing of someone who can’t think for themselves (edad), anything is something unreal. She was yelling at me “you’re not a victim!”

I know I’m dealing with someone with the development of a 2 year old child. But that 2 year old should not have dictation over your life, a near extortion level of control, and a power. I’ll never understand why she had to pick a daughter to detest, and that’s not a victim mentality, it’s reality. It’s the one thing she doesn’t want to hear or acknowledge the existence, which is my life experience beside her. Only she and her “reality” gets to exist or be provided any empathy. My whole immediate family is against me, and I don’t understand why when that’s the case, why won’t they just trash me? And walk away? Why do they hate me and keep me close, when the answer to “do you love me?” Is “I don’t know.” And that’s my fault, too, apparently.

A tortoiseshell cat. a companion Brave, gold black. Sweet little bean toes. (never made a haiku, sorry)

I am an adult 32 year old who is struggling with processing my childhood. I don’t know if others feel or have ever felt disconnected because of their upbringing. I feel dissociated and disconnected, unable to feel any or little emotions about my upbringing and my bpd mother. I don’t know how to move forward or to get help for what I went through. I still have a relationship with my mother, the youngest of three, by 5 and 6 years and feel like the one who got left behind, the scapegoat. I am extremely insecure, have crippling anxiety including health anxiety, social anxiety, body dysmorphia and an overall fear of disaster. I feel like a complete failure, unable to have a job or social life. I have tried getting help from my doctor (UK) but that is difficult when you can’t express your issues because of the dissociation and as a result the doctors don’t take it seriously. The doctors act like I have a bit of mild anxiety that can be fixed if I went for a run (I am in fine shape). I would go private but I don’t know how to look for the right kind of help.

How can I find the right kind of help or find a way out of this? Is feeling disconnected/dissociated normal? I feel like I have CPTSD. I might possibly have ADHD, my doctor put me through for the assessment. I really struggle with remembering things because I have so much going on in my head. It’s as if I am trapped in a bubble or an automatic mode, just unable to get out and deal with everything, like I am permanently in a haze

I went to my grandparents for a couple hours tonight. My mom was there and I haven’t seen her more than 2x per year for the last 4 years.

She kind of avoided me at the beginning, but we ate across from each other. Had a pleasant convo about house renovations and potty training.

She was the first to leave and she tried to sneak by me and I told her bye and like reflexively gave her a hug. (She didn’t initiate that).

So now I wonder if I’m the bad guy. If I’ve made up stories. If I’ve kept my kids away for no reason. If I was too hormonal and crazy in 2020 when I reached my breaking point and went VVLC with her when I had my first kid.

My brain and body are so confused right now.

I’ve been NC with my uBPD mother for about a month and a half-ish, and just yesterday went soft NC with my (suspected but undiagnosed) NPD dad after some ridiculous behavior on his part. My mom is blocked after going absolutely off the rails on me in October- some of you may remember how she lost it over me drawing boundaries regarding my pregnancy. Anyway, this evening, I was decorating the Christmas tree while my husband made holiday candy, a tradition we have had for Black Friday evening for years and have looked forward to finally experiencing with a baby on the way (history of loss and significant fertility treatments to become and stay pregnant). So, I get a call from a number I don’t recognize, assume spam, ignore it, and go about my evening. Then at some point I notice I have a voicemail. I glance at the transcript and….it was my mother calling from a new number. I heard the voicemail playing, though didn’t have it up to my ear, but her voice was super casual, as if we talk every day and nothing was wrong. I’ve attached a screenshot to the transcript if anyone wants to take a crack at the “translate BPD-ism” game. I went ahead and blocked this new number and went about my evening but good lord. My parents have been divorced for 20 years but they somehow manage to sync up to bother me at the same time quite frequently. 🙄😂

I’m panicking so bad! I’m currently in community college trying to transfer to a university. However my time in community college has been a wreck due to living with my mother. It’s gotten so bad my academics have been damaged over the past semesters with her outbursts, episodes, etc. For example, she cut my WIFI (separate from hers and somehow found it even though it was hidden), so I was unable to do homework. Would trash our home on several occasions where I would have to pick it up. Would attempt to steal my laptop or laptop chargers or phone chargers. I had to max out my credit card for her at the time. A family pet death occurred (took massive toll on me) and she would frequently blame me and still does for not wanting to open more credit cards for her. Would just come into my room and yell the nastiest comments for hours. Just to name a few.

Given all this, I still managed to push through a bit and got a 4.0 GPA for two semesters and shot up my overall GPA. However I did fail a course during that time but retook it and got an A.

I thought I was doing good until this semester before I apply.

My diagnosed unemployed BPD mother recently was diagnosed with OCD. This semester she decided she wanted to enroll in my same community college (not local?). It was like I took on my course load and hers. I was doing great until she instigated fights with our neighbors frequently cussing them out and me! She began failing her classes and I’ve had to basically do all her assignments, extra credit, and write all the emails to her professors ALL while working two jobs and being a full time student myself.

**due to her OCD she’ll also demand me to leave school at random times when i’m studying or taking advantage of resources or else worse things at home will happen.

Unfortunately this has made me fall short of my own classes after I was doing so well which breaks my heart to see my efforts go to waste yet again. It looks like I might fail another class however even worse it’s such an essential class to my transfer and major. As in I could still transfer but i don’t even know if i’ll get accepted anywhere since it’s clear this is a reoccurring issue on my transcript when the reoccurring issue is in my home environment and by me transferring I could get out. I take ownership of my courses and it’s my responsibility but then it just means it’s my own fault for failing ? This feels like drowning.

What college admissions counselors would even understand this situation? Has anyone had a similar situation ?

cat photo

I’ve been moved out for several years now and am finally doing EMDR and trauma therapy, which is helping. But sometimes, I think because of the distance from my pwBPD (especially after good convos where she behaves), I’m like “ok but did she really traumatize me? Was it really that bad or am I just the problem?” But then I go see her, like for thanksgiving tonight, and my whole body just goes on such high alert (especially if I catch wiffs of a storm brewing; luckily she didn’t let loose because my bf was there with me) that I can’t move or breathe or relax at all, then the second I’m away from her, I realize how bad my body feels, how exhausted and completely burned out/depleted I am, and just want to cry. I’m back home now and my hands literally won’t stop shaking. Then I’m like “oh…ok, yeah.” Anyone else have this experience where your body just lets you know how unsafe you still feel when you start to doubt how bad it was?

Hot air balloon ride, Cat floats with peaceful delight, Aloft in the sky

English is not my first language so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes. I've been watching this sub for a few weeks and you've all helped me see more clearly about my childhood and my relationship with my mother so I want to thank you. I just need to get what I've been through out in the open to people who might understand.

My mother and father separated when I was three. It was a difficult separation: my father had cheated on my mother with a friend, my mother had no money, and so on. I began to live alone with my mother and went to my father's house four days a month.

My mother was always very unstable. She would tell me that my father wanted to hire a hitman to have us killed and live with his new family, she would tell me that without me she would kill herself, but at the same time she would call me crazy. She left me alone at home until 11pm, from the age of 7. Once I went away to my father's for a weekend, and when I got back she put my cat (which I'd had for 5 years) out on the street because she was fed up with looking after it. Her emotions were all over the place and I was alone to see that. I was always afraid of finding her dead when I got home from school. I was so afraid of her that I did everything she told me to do and didn't express any emotion, but I remember being a very sad child. I was described as mature, self-conscious.

In short, the relationship became dangerously complicated when I was a teen, as I couldn't stand her anymore. I moved out when I was 17. After that, we spoke less and less often. At first every week, then every two weeks, then every month... Despite this, we still managed to have major conflicts. She constantly plays the victim, cries, has no introspection about her wrongs... All things that drive me crazy!

Fast foward when I found out I was pregnant (I was then 27). Although she was always asking me when I was going to have children, the facetime where I told her lasted 47 seconds and she made it all about her (I'm going to be a grandmother, I'm going to have grandchildren, etc.). It affected me a lot and then I didn't hear from her for 2 months. When I became a mother and realized how much love I had for my children, I was devastated to see how little she had loved me. Several other disappointments later, we had a huge falling out last July. She hung up on me. I texted her that I'd never known how to help her when she was like that, but that I had limits now and that I couldn't accept her talking to me like that. That I was ready to talk to her when she was calmer... She never contacted me again.

Many times since I became a mother, I have juggled with the idea of going NC. I'm filled with rage at the idea that SHE is the one who cut me off. She continues her emotional blackmail through my aunt, with whom she works, who tells me that it doesn't make sense to do this to my mother and deprive her of her grandchildren (she used to see them twice a year and ask me for photos every two months).

I've only just opened my eyes to what I've been through. My psychologist had already mentioned that she seemed to have BPD, but as she's not diagnosed, I didn't make a big deal of it. Since reading all of you and "Understanding the boderline mother", it's been an eye-opener. And I feel incredibly angry. Also very angry at the people that knew how crazy she was and never helped me (my father, my grandparents). Yet I still feel guilty towards her for the holidays coming up.

Anyway. I could go on and on. I don't know how to stop being angry and I thought maybe writing it to people who understand might help. Will it ever get better?

TLDR: I just realized that my mother is uBPD. I hold a lot of anger towards her and been constantly angry for weeks now.

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Hello all! I don't know if I am posting this in the right sub.

I am looking for advice on dealing with my extremely passive and emotionally stunted father, who has been an enabler to my BPD mother for over 20 years, and has now become the enabler to my SM (step mother), who I suspect is either BPD or HBD (histrionic).

It was actually my BPD mom who divorced my dad, back in 2012. My mother has all the classical BPD behaviors: extremely self-centered, always acting like a victim, and emotionally neglectful to me and my younger sisters. After the divorce, she spiraled : suicide attempts, psychiatry hospitalizations, major self-care issues (she stopped cleaning her home, stopped washing herself, started drinking and spending all her time on the internet). It was at that time my mother was diagnosed with BPD, which helped me understand a bit better ; mom refuted her own diagnosis though. After maybe two years of intense emotional turmoil, me and my two younger sisters (who were 15 and 19 at the time) eventually cut off all contact with our mother.

My father was blind-sighted by the divorce ; he started drinking a bit and was really withdrawn for a few months. Me and my sisters had to deal with mom completely on our own. He never asked us how we were holding up either, considering the divorce and everything. In 12 years, my dad has never brought what happened with mom, and whenever I did, he'd look away and change the subject.

Maybe a year after the divorce, out of nowhere, my dad reconnected with his first girlfriend and they started dating again. They are still together today. I could go into detail about my SM, but let's just say she shares many traits with my biological mother. As I said earlier, I strongly suspect my SM is BPD or HPD (histrionic). My dad continues to be the passive enabler : he is completely in love and sees no problem with her theatrics and inappropriate attention-seeking behaviors.

I hate going to my dad's for the holidays or for birthdays, because SM is there, and the parties ALWAYS end up the same : she's getting drunk with her daughters, and either everyone is screaming out of "joy" and dancing in an extremely sexual way, or she's retelling her past trauma in great detail so she can cry dramatically in front of everyone. My dad just shrugs away these behaviors or seems to find them funny. I always leave those events completely drained, irritated, and angry at myself for believing this time would go differently.

The thing is, sometimes, my dad and step mother can be sweet. When we are in a very relaxed environment, just the three of us, we can have a pretty nice time together ; I think it's because both me and my dad are giving SM attention, and she then doesn't feel the need to resort to excessive behaviors. I mean, she still goes on and on about her pyramid schemes, but at least it's much more manageable.

I feel angry at my dad for, yet again, "choosing" a shitty partner. I feel angry at him for putting me through this shit AGAIN ; having to enforce boundaries, to zone out during parties, to feel like I'm going crazy cause no one else in the family sees a problem with how SM acts! My girlfriend met her maybe twice so far and does NOT like her. My girlfriend is from a happy and healthy family and I absolutely LOVE going over for the holidays, or just to hang out... so I know I'm not the problem!

I have recently told my dad I needed to cut off contact for a little while, and he was super respectful about it. Despite his kind answer, I still feel super angry and I don't know what to do with all that anger. Should I bring up the past? Is it worth it? WHY he was so unable (or unwilling?) to protect me and our sisters from crazy BPD mom? Why is he doing it again? Can't he see that I HATE SM's inappropriate behaviors? Why is he not standing up for me even though I have told him many times I feel uncomfortable of SM's behaviors?

Do I cut him off? Do I cut off SM? Or should I still try to reconnect with dad and explain how his enabling my SM is causing me harm? Can I expect that he will understand and change?

Me and my girlfriend are really looking forward to having kids soon, and I want to be sure that I can trust my dad to stand up for them if needed.

My husband (44m) and I (38M) drove from Phoenix to Palm Springs for a weekend getaway. So relaxing not having to be around family even though I’m NC with half of them.

I honestly don’t know what the heck is going on with my family dynamic. I can’t stop wondering if everything is all my fault because I finally snapped a couple weeks ago and stood up for myself. My partner had her birthday about a week ago. My parents (ubpd mom and edad) didn’t say anything all day until I texted them. Their answer? “We’ve been really busy, we were going to drop off a card.” We live 5 minutes down the road. And we have been together for 5 years.

My parents got us for thanksgiving this year. We were supposed to get together. But it was radio silence leading up to it. The day came and went and they didn’t say anything. I don’t even know what I did or why they’re doing this to me. But I’m guessing it’s because I’ve pushed back against my mom. She and I went from being very close to her wanting nothing to do with me. And now I’ve been isolated from my family. They don’t want to hear about my feelings, concerns or struggles. When I reached out for help because I was drowning, my struggles were just compared to my mom’s. This is all putting me in a really bad place. I don’t know when my therapist will be available again and these feelings of everything being my fault and wondering what I did are eating me alive. How do you guys cope with this? I thought my parents loved me more than this…

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Here we go again for another ride of this craziness. I’ll sum it up how these usually go.

I study all day due to a selection. I make breaks every hour to go see if the house needs anything, do some chore, whatever.

My mother will come home when I’m in the middle of the session, then I won’t say anything till it’s my break time. I’ll go out and say “Hello! How was the travel?” to only get “Why didn’t you come and talk to me ? It doesn’t matter that you’re studying, you gotta stop to talk to mama”. That will turn into a whole different thing itself.

2. She will ask what she is having for dinner to only complain about my food. Nowadays I just leave some fast food on the table.

3. She will remove things from the shelves and clean them again, because they’re dirty (apparently).

4. After all this mess, I’ll just keep it polite and objective so I don’t spend much time discussing with her. Then she will make a question like “Do we have salt on the shelf ?” to which I’ll say “I don’t know, mother. Maybe”. After this she will just loose it and start to scream “WHY ARE YOU SO RUDE?????”.

5. To conclude, she’ll leave without saying a word like I’m the devil himself.

The end. Two weeks later, another visit. Repeat.

My mom with uBPD came to visit and I set a boundary that she needed to stay in a hotel since she’s in town for 7 days (I asked for 4). Mysteriously, her reservations were “in the wrong city and now they are full” forcing her to stay with me. I tried to call them and they insisted they did have rooms available but the more I pushed her on it the more hostile she got insisting I was lying to her. So to my house she went then when we got there the spare room a twin size air mattress weren’t to her liking. Again mysterious an air mattress that has been in tact for 2+ years now has an irreparable slash down the side of it, “forcing” her to buy a king size one that takes up the majority of my living room of which is central to my small house. My friends invited me to thanksgiving & I wasn’t planning to go to spend it with her but after she kept pushing my boundaries IDGAF bye, I asked for healthy space and you couldn’t respect that so I would like time away. I politely explained I would still spend the majority of the day with her….she started going off about how I was abandoning her like everyone else, that she should update her will “cus she won’t be here very much longer” while I was at the event getting texts from her about how something was wrong with my dogs (they were just hungry cus their dinner was going to be an hour later then usual) & when I got home my bath towel had been used to clean up toilet water and she had removed both of my door knobs, claimed that “she had to make her best choices cus I wasn’t around”. When is there ever a logical reason to remove someone’s doorknobs?!

Will be thankful when this “break ” is over

Does anyone else deal with this? It’s unbelievably frustrating.

In my last post, I detailed how my BPD mom told us on Election Day that she has skin cancer and didn’t reveal any information about it. Well, that was almost a month ago and the only new information my brother and I have is that she has to have five “procedures” around her body — that’s literally it. No other details. (Using context clues, I’m assuming she’s referring to mole removal.)

A few weeks ago, she had the first “procedure” on her back. She said it was extremely painful and called us crying about how she was in so much pain. She then went back to the nurse, got pain pills, and said it was manageable after that.

The second “procedure” was on her leg, which she said was not nearly as painful. As of Tuesday, she said her pain was “not as bad.” So I texted her the Thanksgiving plan: we meet at her house at 4:30, then go to our dinner reservation at 6:30.

Yesterday (Thanksgiving) morning, I send a group text to confirm the plan. She doesn’t respond. Then a few hours later she says “Why don’t you go straight to the restaurant I tried to take a shower but couldn’t I’ll send you the money for the food. It’s hard for me to sit or walk. I sent you both the money just go eat.” My brother and I say “We can still visit you even if you aren’t up for going to the restaurant. We were looking forward to seeing you.” She continues to tell us not to come, but we can talk on the phone later.

So around 5pm, my brother and I meet at his house with our partners. We call our mom and tell her we can bring her a plate, and let us know if there’s anything we can do to help. She then starts yelling that she needs help. My brother and I have offered to help COUNTLESS TIMES since the diagnosis — let us know what we can do, let us know what you need, etc. and here’s why:

My mom expects us to read her mind and is enraged when we don’t. The biggest piece of advice my therapist has given me is to make sure the ball is ALWAYS in her court and use phrases like “Let us know what you need” “Do you want us to come over?” And take her answers 100% at face value. We’ve been trying to do this for at least the past six months and she HATES it. During the call (and several times in the past) she said she expects us to know what she needs and that we shouldn’t have to ask.

Literally as I’m typing this, she just sent this message — again, not asking for help, just telling us what she needs and expecting us to jump when she tells us to jump. Even after our call last night (and MANY PRIOR DISCUSSIONS) she won’t say “I need XYZ, can you help me?” She expects us to read her fucking mind.

(I’m writing on mobile and I forgot to add this — last night, she told us she was really cold because the heat wasn’t turned on and that she was hungry because she “hasn’t eaten in four days.” My brother repeatedly offered to bring her food last week and this week and she turned down all of the offers. And as I mentioned above, we literally had plans to visit her yesterday and obviously we could have turned on the heat. SHE TOLD US NOT TO COME, SO WE DIDN’T. We offered to turn on the heat before our dinner reservation and to bring her a thanksgiving plate from the restaurant — again, rejected all of our help.)

To add insult to injury, we had a blowout fight around the Fourth of July where she totally lied and said her therapist told her “A lot of my clients say their kids have an intuition for what they need, and their kids don’t have to ask their parents how to help them because they just instinctively know.” I immediately shut that down and said “Well, I don’t have that so you need to tell us what you need.” She then went on about how we’re unable to “give her what she needs” (i.e. read her mind).

How the FUCK do you deal with these people?? It is beyond infuriating. She has a lot of annoying traits, but this is perhaps the worst.

I had a Thanksgiving with no drama! I did not see or speak to any of my dysfunctional relatives, including my BPD mom. My spouse and our kid made some nice food, watched tv, napped, sang a few songs, ate more pie, and cuddled the cats. As my spouse and I sat there on the couch, I had a huge feeling of peace and relief. No fighting. No tears. No yelling. No emergencies. Just a restful day with yummy food. It's so good for my traumatized inner child to have this experience. I slept so well.

This was my first year hosting Thanksgiving, and it turned into more drama than I expected. My mom came over the day before to help me clean up and made the stuffing (we fry our turkey, so it has to be made separately). She didn’t come to Thanksgiving Day itself because my parents are divorced (14 years now), and I invited both sides of my family. None of her side showed up, which honestly isn’t new. This happens at every event, and I’ve mostly come to terms with it.

Thanksgiving morning, she kept calling and hounding me about reheating her stuffing—300° for one hour, over and over, like I couldn’t handle it. It felt like she didn’t trust me to do it right. Then she told me to ask my grandmother (my dad’s mom) to do it instead, which annoyed me enough that I finally snapped: “I’m sorry that you think I can’t even reheat a pan of stuffing.” She hung up on me after that.

The rest of the day went fine, or so I thought. I sent her photos of the spread, and she seemed happy for me.

Fast forward to today, I called her to talk about how Thanksgiving went, and she was clearly mad. She told me my comment about reheating the stuffing really hurt her feelings, and she didn’t mean to offend me. I apologized but also said her comments hurt me, too, and I didn’t mean to offend her either. Then she asked how everyone liked her stuffing. I said people liked everything. She asked if I told everyone she made it, and I admitted I hadn’t—but I also didn’t take credit for it. No one specifically asked about the stuffing, and I just said thank you when people complimented the food.

Twenty minutes later, she called back again to say it hurt her feelings that I didn’t tell anyone she helped. Which… isn’t entirely true? A lot of people knew she helped me the day before, but no, I wasn’t going around announcing it.

The kicker? She makes dishes for my brother to bring to family gatherings all the time and insists he take the credit for them. One time, I pointed out she made something, and she got mad at me for it, and said it was a “direct attack at my brother”.

I don’t even know what to do with this anymore. Am I wrong for not going out of my way to tell people she helped?

Haiku in previous posts .

Received this text from my grandfather. Been NC from borderline mother for 2 months. Been wondering if maybe something has improved (obviously it hasn’t and it’s just me being hopeful).

This text made me even more mad because the reason for me going NC (posted about this before) is that she cursed my entire family out and it was the lsat straw. And now this? All the focus back on her? So annoying !

The title is There Was a Little Girl. It isn’t specifically about a BPD mother, but I just finished the audiobook and it still hit home for me in a lot of ways. So I guess it isn’t a perfectly on point recommendation, but it’s adjacent, and it made me feel a little bit more seen. I think that Brooke Shields reading it was impactful too. I am not a particular fan of hers or anything, but my therapist recommended it to me.

Here’s hoping we all made it through The First of The Holidays (as I think of it). May we all be stable and secure in preparation for The Next of the Holidays, whatever that may be for each of us. Also, here is one of my cats when she was a little kitten.

So I realized some months ago that my mother has borderline personality disorder.

My step father has noticed something is up and now is requesting lunch with me, something that never happened before.

Should I accept and be honest with him on what I think my mother suffers from? Or should I keep it to myself and let him live his life with her?

These are tough dilemmas I'd rather not face.

Anyone read Gone Girl?

Just finished it and my jaw is on the floor. The resemblance between my BPD mother and Amy is uncanny.

She’s dealing with something scary, a health scare or reality, details which I’ll leave out.

The night before thanksgiving, she imparted info to me about something that would make anyone upset. It had to be the night before, or she didn’t think about timing. I spent all day upset and worried because of that too. I would have otherwise had the most relaxing day in almost a year.

After thanksgiving, she tells me how worried she is about her health scare, and then says she didn’t bother to get the tests she needed a year or more ago because she didn’t have anything to live for, because no one cares about her, me included. That she wants to die, just not like this. It’s all the test the waters and see what reaction or confirmation she gets.

I changed the subject. She shouldn’t be getting stressed right now, especially, and I already told her she was cared about.

..But she’s borderline so she’ll never accept it.

I’m just frustrated. As far as I can distance myself, as much as I can try to protect myself, I’m always suffering in some way. In light of her health scare, it looks small. But in light of my life, any happiness I can have, this is really uncomfortable and painful. In that I’d like to stop being treated like I’m bad, I’m mean, etc etc. You know how it is. The same very simple complaints and boundaries I’ve always had/wanted.

They never stop, even when they think they’re dying. I don’t want to write this and feel bad later if she is dying, but what difference does it make if you’re recounting facts?

Most people only deal with fear and sadness in this kind of situation. She has to relate it to her personality disorder problems because her disorder has engulfed HER. I can’t expect someone like this to be able to escape their disorder, but I wish she would. It’s interwoven and embedded in the dna of their personality, and so it’s present in everything, and a distortion of their perception of facts. Now that I think about it, it’s almost..almost..like she’s using the symptoms of her disorder to relate her distorted perceptions in the context of her health scare. But I think the disorder is just so present that this is her reality..her’s. And so she voices it. But it’s like..aren’t you tired? Is this level of stress not enough to turn it all off, or is it the spark that says last chance, turn it up, now or never, and call in all the poor coping mechanisms? She’ll never see her actions or anything very clearly, even when life just got real. It’s not surprising, but still.

I never thought life would involve any of this. Specifically “mom lost her mind” as part of the adversity. It’s surreal. Not new. But it will never not be the strangest and most foggy thing to see and be subjected to. I’d wonder if she’s as tired as I am, but I really think thinking this way actually energizes them because it acts as their protection from ..what? Who knows.

(Cat tax because it's been a while since I last posted)

I recently listened to a podcast interview to Dr Gabor Maté where he mentioned that not only it's usually women who suffer from autoimmune diseases, but mostly women raised in disfuncional households where they were discouraged from expressing their emotions in a healthy way, who became people pleasers early in life, and who never learned to embrace their anger and frustration. I thought that resembles a lot of my own upbringing, and I have Hashimoto's and alopecia universalis. I was wondering if maybe other RBB women can relate?