posted in raisedbyborderlines and asked to resirect here.

feeling hurt at the possibility of not being welcome in that community anymore bc it was a source of such important grounding and connection for me. but yeah, just wanting input..

Ive recognized a pattern of intense reactivity that ive had since my teenage years recently. it comes and goes. I have month periods where i get incredibly hopeless and depressed, and have an intense need to self isolate. it happens every few years and each time i get over it feels like itll never happen again...

but yeah idk. ive been noticing it more lately. its triggered by dissapointment or socially tense situations. i sort of spiral into a deeply unhinged state. hysterically crying and sometimes wanting to hurt myself. and its all ultimately from irrational thoughts...... like childish, almost, fears. of losing friends or social standing. or more abstractly, being stuck or making a "life mistake"

sometimes when im in these spirals i wonder if thats how my mom feels during her BPD rage/depressive episodes. just fully maxed out emotionally and not knowing how to stop it. its also terrifying to think that i may suffer from the same disease as her....

i feel bad for my partner bc i feel like im doing what my mom has done to me to him when i get in those states... cold shoulder/silent treatment, undeserved anger.

i know i need therapy and im trying to work on it. shits hard.

any support/sharing personal experiences is so very much appreciated.

I talked to my dad while getting ready to leave yesterday. He told me, “You are exactly like your mom”. My stomach churned so much when he said that and I went into a dissociative state. Today my mood was all over the place, it was horrible. I know it’s not okay to diagnose but I think my mom has BPD. She uses drinking as a coping mechanism and turns into the meanest person ever. I realized I started going down her path but I am trying to pull myself out of the hole. But I feel like I am going to rip my dad apart for saying that when I see him. Or I just won’t talk to him at all. I don’t want to be like either, he has helped me a lot through life. It is the biggest insult I could ever get.

Hi everyone!

My name is Shannon and I am a doctoral student at Pacific University in Oregon. I am currently conducting a qualitative research study with women (cis/trans/third gender) ages 18 to 30 who were diagnosed with BPD in adolescence (ages 13-17). I have posted about this study a few times, but I still need participants and am hopeful reddit can help! Participation includes completing a short survey to determine your eligibility to participate, as well as the full informed consent outlining your role as a participant. You can access the survey by clicking here. If you are eligible to participate AND you are interested, you will be invited to complete a 1-2 hour Zoom interview with a HIPAA compliant and data protected meeting.

You are eligible to participate in this study if: a) You identify as a woman (cis or trans) and/or if you feel as though your experience has been or currently is relevant to being perceived as a woman/experiencing the world as a woman. b) You are between the ages of 18 and 30. c) You were diagnosed with BPD in adolescence (ages 13-17)

To learn more about additional eligibility guidelines and context of the study (as well as relevant contact information) please review the study invitation letter below

Copy of Invitation Letter

Hi everyone!

My name is Shannon and I am a doctoral student at Pacific University in Oregon. I am currently conducting a qualitative research study with women ages 18 to 30 who were diagnosed with BPD in adolescence (ages 13-17). I have posted about this study a few times, but I still need participants and am hopeful reddit can help! Participation includes completing a short survey to determine your eligibility to participate, as well as the full informed consent outlining your role as a participant. You can access the survey by clicking here. If you are eligible to participate AND you are interested, you will be invited to complete a 1-2 hour Zoom interview with a HIPAA compliant and data protected meeting.

You are eligible to participate in this study if: a) You identify as a woman (cis or trans) and/or if you feel as though your experience has been or currently is relevant to being perceived as a woman/experiencing the world as a woman. b) You are between the ages of 18 and 30. c) You were diagnosed with BPD in adolescence (ages 13-17)

To learn more about additional eligibility guidelines and context of the study (as well as relevant contact information) please review the study invitation letter below

Copy of Invitation Letter

Reference to Centaurworld, if you get it.

Had a few things blow up yesterday and I just need to get it off my chest.

I'm a 33 year old mother to two beautiful girls and with an awesome husband.

Growing up, my family was riddled with all sorts of abuse. My mother has borderline personality disorder. We cut contact with her two years ago. Because of her antics over the years, most of my extended family has cut all ties with us.

My husband works and I stay home to care for the kids. Youngest is teething and I'm trying to ween her from the breast. Oldest has entered the threenager stage of toddlerdom and I think she has ADHD like her daddy. I'm burned out. I'm tired. I'm frustrated.

And I think I'm showing signs of borderline personality disorder, inherited from my own mother. I take my frustrations out on my husband, and it boiled to a head where he said he wasn't sure he wanted a relationship.

We've worked through things since the comment, but what was done cannot be undone. I want to go to therapy, but my suicidal thoughts would land me in the psyche ward and I'd rather be skinned alive that be away from my kids.

I spend most of the night idealizing my death. I found myself researching a hangman's knot and practicing with a utility rope. I really just don't want to exist anymore, but I would never leave my kids behind to question why.

Fucking stuck, and not sure where to turn.

It really doesn't help that I keep forgetting to take my Zoloft because the kids have me running in circles all day. I may have the doctor up my dose ...

Hello!

I am currently conducting a research study with adult women who were diagnosed with BPD in adolescence. If you are interested, please read the study invitation below and then follow this link to a short study which will present you with the full informed consent and questions regarding your eligibility to participate. I am very open to questions and feedback. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I am super hopeful to hear from some of y'all who are engaging in this subreddit / some of your loved ones

Copy of Invitation Letter

I am a 23 year old single mother that escaped a severely abusive relationship and moved away. I have one toddler with diagnosed autism and it’s a lot to handle on your own, but especially having the brain of a borderline person. I love her and I try to make every day good for us. I’m in therapy, read about both of our conditions and how to manage them, and I do guided shadow work and recovery journals. The last 3 days, I’ve spiraled. My abuser has also started harassing me again on top of our court battle and everything else going on in my life, and I want to throw away my life. My daughter has had severe meltdowns these few days too and I’m constantly just wishing I could give up. How can i be a better mom to her despite not wanting to live?

I have a physical disability, and I can’t do anything to run away from my «home». I’ve started to think about contacting social services, and maybe they could help me. I feel so sorry for my mom, and this is a decision that makes me feel so ungrateful… but I can’t be alone with an abuser who made me believe that I ruined her life and it would be better if I weren’t born… all I crave is to be free. And now it feels like I betray her :(

I’m scared she will lose her shit and start hitting me once she finds out. Should I tell them that I want to be anonymous or what? Because I don’t want to be alone with her when she finds out that I reached out for help…

Hello!

I am currently conducting a research study with adult women who were diagnosed with BPD in adolescence. If you are interested, please read the study invitation below and then follow this link to a short study which will present you with the full informed consent and questions regarding your eligibility to participate. I am very open to questions and feedback. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I am super hopeful to hear from some of y'all who are engaging in this subreddit

Copy of Invitation Letter

I’ll start. I think I learned to internalize my own outbursts because I was constantly reminded by family that I was acting like my abuser. It made me super mindful of how hurtful my anger can be to others because I had been on the receiving end for years. I’m a more “quiet/discouraged” subtype and have overcontrol features. This meant I flew under the radar for years until getting diagnosed. What stories do you have about being second generation (or more) borderline?

I’ve been seeing a therapist for a few months and honestly went in with my own issues and didn’t think there was any childhood work to be done and that I had accepted the past. Turns out I was very wrong and I grew up with parents who my therapist thinks had bpd. Since it’s a learned behavior I now also exhibit those patterns and probably have bpd myself. I’m having trouble accepting that my parents manipulated and gaslit me along with countless other forms of emotions abuse. I never ever saw it that way and thought they were being caring and it was my job to fix them. I’m having trouble accepting that I’m now also doing these things in my marriage. I feel hopeless, depressed, an anxious. Im not sure where to go from here. I’ve been reading surviving a borderline parent and had to stop at one point because it was so accurate and intense. I feel very lost.

Hello, i am studying psychology and i would be so grateful to take part in my study, i know it can be hard to open up sometimes but it is completely anonymous. I am trying to help people who take care people with personality disorders.

As part of my final project in the course of Psychology in University of Greenwich I am investigating the experiences of caregivers who are taking care of people with personality disorders. If you are a caregiver of a person who has a personality disorder, you are aware of the diagnosis of the person that you are taking care of and you take care of them for at least one year, I would be grateful if you could take part on my study. It lasts approximately 15 minutes and you will need to answer to 7 questions in an online survey.The information will be confidential and destroyed at the end of the Academic year (June-October 2021).Thank you.

https://greenwichuniversity.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_cXXHQncRoKEhbBr

tw: mention of sexual, emotional, and physical abuse, self-harm, suicide

This is something I've had to come to terms with, and I'm wondering if anyone else has been through something similar.

I was diagnosed with BPD several years ago during one of the worst years of my life. The brother who had sexually abused me as a child and still emotionally abused me as an adult, was still living at home with me. I was dating somebody who was unhealthy for me. I wasn't doing well at uni. I had started self-harming that year to cope with the intense shame and guilt that my mother manipulated me into feeling after every tiny argument. I was miserable and scared and treading on eggshells all the time at home.

When I went to a uni counsellor, I was close to suicide. They referred me for an emergency appointment. I remember telling the emergency therapist about how miserable and chaotic my emotions were, the self-harm, the drinking, and the trauma I'd suffered as a kid. Immediately, they gave me a diagnosis of depression, anxiety, BPD, and C-PTSD. I took it in stride and went to long-term therapy.

At therapy I remember most of what I learnt was more like relearning how to be an emotionally healthy person. I learnt that it was okay to cry, and not shameful or weak like my family taught. I learnt that it wasn't bad to feel anger or sadness, and that I didn't need to feel guilty for having emotions. I learnt that there are real, valid ways to handle anger or sadness - and that it often involves letting yourself feel those emotions, and being able to talk about it.

Gradually, I realised how insanely toxic my family is. When my brother gets angry, he regularly smashes things or shouts, and there are no repercussions. No one in my family is capable of handling criticism. My mother takes every single bad mood personally - I literally can't be sad at something without her thinking that I'm mad at her, and then she'll give me the silent treatment in retaliation for something I didn't do. Mental illness isn't discussed or even really allowed here. When I told my mother I cut myself, she snorted and rolled her eyes - until I showed her how scars covered my legs.

I grew up being criticised, teased until I cried, because I laughed and talked too loud. My oldest brother (I have two) almost broke my leg once when I was 10 by picking me up and throwing me to the ground in anger - he never apologised. Childhood events like my brother hitting the other one in the face with a baseball bat because he was annoyed, nearly breaking his nose, are laughed at around the dinner table. This is all just the tip of the iceberg.

The first time I went interstate on a trip by myself, I was 22 and I felt like I was floating on air. Suddenly I didn't have to phrase every single sentence I said perfectly to avoid upsetting my extremely sensitive and emotionally manipulative mother. Suddenly I didn't have to worry that my brother would be in a bad mood and I'd say something wrong and he would break something. I didn't have to stand and be quiet and be nagged incessantly about things I can't control. I didn't have to go around the house listening to music I liked, with the fear that somebody would tease me about it or say "god, you're just so weird sometimes", and then get mad when I was offended. I didn't have to put up with constant chatter that never remotely touches on anything serious, anything that's not small talk (my family strictly never discusses serious things, unless they're screaming it at me during an argument). I didn't have to answer questions like "are you okay?" with "I'm fine" and not "I'm having a bad mental health day", because I know if I so much as mention my clinical, diagnosed, chronic depression, the first words out of my mother's mouth will be "why don't you just go to the therapist? I thought you were over this already" - never anything remotely sympathetic.

I had always thought I had BPD. That first time I went interstate, I had the best time of my life. I wanted to fucking live in the city I was staying in. I was so happy. I could listen to music I liked. I could put my things where I wanted to. I could wear what I wanted without comments. I wasn't worried constantly about saying the right thing, because regular people aren't nearly so toxic as my family. I slept like a baby, because I felt safe for the first time in a long time. My typical anxiety, depression, worrying, everything, just vanished. When I had to go home, I cried. And all my symptoms, the instant I stepped foot back in my house, crept up on me again. In this house I had been abused, teased, manipulated, screamed at, hit, gaslighted, intimidated, silenced, bullied, been given the silent treatment more times than I could count. Who wouldn't be a chaotic, miserable mess because of that?

Over the years since I've gotten better. Therapy had helped a lot with handling emotions, and I no longer self-harm. I don't take drugs anymore, and I don't really drink. The brother who sexually abused me as a child moved out, thankfully, and my anxiety has gotten better since. But my family is still as toxic as ever.

I'm lucky to have a wonderful long-term partner who supports me immensely. We barely fight, and the only reason we've really fought in the past is because I had expected the worst of him at times (I'm not really used to people being unconditionally nice with no agenda). When I go to his place, my mental health improves so much. His family is really nice. At first I was puzzled by his seeming tolerance of my depressed moods, until I realised that's just what a nice person should be doing. If he talks to me first thing in the morning, he doesn't expect me to be super alert, and he doesn't get pissed off when I slur through my words and I'm a bit grumpy. If I seem distant, the first words out of his mouth aren't "what did I do wrong? Why are you mad at me?" or "why are you such a bitch today?" He never assumes what I'm thinking, and through him I've learnt so much.

As I've realised what healthy relationships are supposed to be like, and what being emotionally healthy actually is, my BPD symptoms have decreased so much. And it's not like I worked on them a ton, or struggled immensely, or went through years of therapy (I only went for about six weeks, in the end). I've just literally realised that my family is incredibly toxic, and that the lessons they taught me about emotions and trust and relationships are blatantly wrong and unhealthy.

I realised that I do have unstable relationships - but not with a single person in the world apart from them. I don't feel intense, chaotic emotions all the time - just when my mother won't stop nagging or tries to sit me down to tell me once again about how I'm wasting my life. Or when she manipulates me into feeling guilty because I said "yes" too forcefully. I don't feel intense emptiness - unless my mother reminds me, again, that nothing I ever do will be good enough for her. Outside of my family life, I'm a soft-spoken, thoughtful individual (I try to be, anyway). I have quite a lot of friends, many of them long-term. My best friend is somebody I've known for almost ten years. I've never had fights with any of them, bar a friend who is also diagnosed with BPD and sometimes does mean things to push people away.

I'm at a weird point where the more I realise how toxic and emotionally unhealthy my family is, the more my BPD symptoms disappear. The more I distance myself emotionally from my mother, the more I realise that she's manipulative and that I don't actually have to feel guilt or shame when she wants me to - the more I do that, the less all my BPD symptoms seem to happen. The more I let myself cry or be angry and deal with emotions in healthy ways, rather than repress everything like my family does ... I feel so much better. I still have anxiety, and I will probably have depression for the rest of my life - but the chaotic, intensely emotional BPD days are far behind me.

This turned into a bigger rant than I meant to, so thanks for reading if you did (I think I just really needed to get this off my chest).

I'd be interested in hearing if anyone else has had their BPD vanish entirely on moving out of home (I'm unfortunately still living at home). I don't know if I've just healed from my BPD or if I never had it in the first place- but either way, it doesn't play a big part in my life at all now, and when I finally move out, I know life will be even better.

tl;dr: Has anyone noticed a lack of BPD symptoms after moving out of home or spending less time with their family? My whole family is extremely toxic and as I've become more aware of just how toxic they are and distanced myself, I barely have any BPD symptoms anymore.

Guys, I’m so sad. My birth giver and I have always had a shitty relationship due to how she treated me... my golden child brother always kept quiet with the occasional “she’s your mom you should x”. Right now we are very low contact and I try to be vague during every conversation so I don’t get told I failed something somehow.

This weekend, my brother didn’t come over (it was thanksgiving) which made my daughter really sad. She texted him expressing that she was sad he couldn’t make it and he flipped out on me telling me to discipline my child (yes for saying essentially she misses him). So I tried to set my boundaries but the argument progressed when I said my parenting is not my birthgiver’s, there are different ways to parent and I’m not letting my child feel the pain that I felt. He rips into me about how I was awful to her and only reached out to her when it was convenient for me, which is far from the truth. I craved that relationship... when I was a teenager I moved to my dad’s, but wanted to try to patch things up with birthgiver. Rinse and repeat several times and I finally learned she will never change, so I accepted it and kept my distance.

She cries to everyone that I’m such a terrible child, I never see her, I keep my daughter from her, I’m being unreasonable... all of that. I’ve tried explaining what she’s done and how it’s affected me but I’m always the one in the wrong.

The fact my brother just sided with her after years of being neutral just kills me. It’s hard for me to accept that he’s got the same mindset as her and now I need to be careful around him too. I didn’t expect him to tear me apart like that.

Thanks for listening to me whine. 🙂 I just needed to vent.

My mom got drunk tonight like she does every night. When she’s drunk she is extremely antagonistic. She infers insults and arguments from every interaction, no matter how mundane. She treats me like shit and cusses me out but is, of course, the victim.

Well tonight I’ve gotten as close as I ever have at making her the victim.

I tried reasoning with her about food and she said my dad and I told her not to eat and that she was fat. Neither of us said anything like that.

She ramped up the drama by saying she could fight me. And that she should have beaten when I was younger so I wouldn’t be such an asshole now. I brought up that her fighting has always disturbed me. She used to fight with my dad like this often when I was young. Sometimes she would get mad and drive off and leave me feeling abandoned. I told her about this and she gaslit me. Obviously she’s never done anything like that and I’m full of shit. She’s trying to bow up still and I threatened her. She is 5’2 150lbsish. I am 5’10” 260lbs. I explain I could deck her out cold. She comes over to me and grabs my face to goad me. As she walks around the table I’m sitting at, I rise. She’s taunting me with gaslighting and saying I’m a [female dog] who’s full of shit. She talks about how she can beat me up some more.

My face is hot, my hands are shaking. All I can do is shout for her to “shut the fuck up.” Luckily my dad heard it and came and got me to leave the room (which I told him to do for me if I get mad). If he hadn’t come, I don’t know what I would have done. Probably throw something for starters.

She always talks about how miserable her life is when she’s drunk. She then decides to pick fights like the one above and will not accept any responsibility for anything. Everyone is out to get her and she is the mighty hero of her own fabricated story.

This kinda shit right here is why my ex wife and I keep our daughters away from this house as much as possible

Sorry for rambling. Thanks for reading.

Hi everyone,

After a really bad month (fighting with my bf because he doesn't feel ready to move in together), I went back to my parent's place for the weekend to avoid being stuck inside my head for too long.

Saturday evening I had a horrible fight with my mother. And afterwards, it made me realize how unhealthy our relationship is. We love each other, but we really hurt each-other too bad. And I have been thinking and reading since. And, fuck, BPD definitely fits for me, and from what I see, it might fit my mother too (definitely cluster B, at least).

​

I have a crazy fear of abandonment. I have anger issues (sudden outbursts), I self-harm when emotions become too much, I used to have a lot of suicidal impulses, thins are always all good or all bad... I recognize myself in a lot of the criteria. Not all, but enough to make me seriously think about it.

I've had a therapist for several years, and we already worked on a lot of my problems (like the suicidal impulses, the anxiety, the depression...). Things have been steadily improving over the past 4 years, but I still felt like there was something left unidentified.

​

From what I see, my mother has the fear of abandonment, the anger issues (really bad), the all good/bad, she behaves like a child. And probably more, but I'm not in her head. I know she was severely abused by her NPD mother, and she is really messed up from it. She has a therapist and is very slowly processing her trauma.

​

I distinctly remember her telling me to shut up or she'd kill me when I was 13 or 14, "because your voice sounds like your grandmother's when you yell". And me wanting to crack her skull on the dresser when I was 15 because of how angry I was. So, yeah. Not good.

​

Wtf do I do with my mother?

What can I do to have a healthy relationship with my bf? We worked out the "not moving in together right now" part, but I don't want to mess things up later.

How do I process this ??

Here’s some background information: I have BPD and substance abuse issues which I’ve been working on treating for around 4 years. My mom has never been diagnosed but it’s likely she has the same disorders. All of her siblings and her parents are dead and she’s never really worked on her grief. She’s also never tried to work on her own mental health or substance abuse. She denies there is a problem and expresses a disdain/distrust of psychiatry, but she has expressed feeling abandoned by her dead family members.

My parents have been married for around 40 years, but my mom’s substance abuse was very mild up until she lost her job and her family members died within the past 5 years-ish. Now, she’s drunk almost nightly and sometimes abuses pain meds or ambien.

My dad has to get up early to go to work and he gets grumpy to the extent that he’s treading the line from complaint to verbal abuse. Last night they had another awful spat with my dad talking about divorce/leaving. I went back to my mom’s room to let her know that she really needs to stop getting wasted. She told me she wasn’t wasted and less than a minute later, fell backward and hit her head on a chest at the foot of her bed. We couldn’t get her to stir for a few minutes—it was scary.

I decided 2 years ago that I was not going to try to rescue them as I had done most of my life because they are my parents not vice versa. Yet here I find myself really wanting to. I want to help my dad be more patient and I want to compel my mom to get help. Is there anyway to be helpful without resorting to my rescuer, de facto parent behavior?

TL;DR: Mom’s substance abuse has gotten out of hand and my dad has lost his patience. I don’t want to try to be a parent to my parents and rescue them, but I also can’t stand things the way they are.

I got diagnosed BPD while in rehab 4 years ago and it changed everything with how much sense it made even though I’d never heard of BPD before. The psychiatrist also diagnosed my mom with BPD sight-unseen which was questionable but understandable as well.

During the course of EMDR a year later, I encountered some memories I hadn’t dealt with a lot. There was some typical abusive behavior like gaslighting and victim blaming; however, there were things that stood out beyond that in retrospect.

I was coddled by my parents. I didn’t sleep alone until I was a teenager. My dad slept in the same room up until then. When I would wake in the middle of the night, I would go to my mom’s bed and she would want to snuggle with me. I didn’t start wiping my own butt after using the bathroom until I hit puberty and was embarrassed by my own pubic hair. My mom wiped it. Until the day when I moved out of my parents’ house, my mom was always in the bathroom when I showered. She would be blow drying her hair and from time to time she’d peek in. I was always so nervous about being seen showering after puberty hit. My mom tried to kiss me on the mouth every night before bed. I had to be sure to put my head down fast so she could kiss my hair instead. On multiple occasions, my mom would get mad and inexplicably as a result flash her breasts at me.

Now I’m grown but I’m back in my parents’ house. Most of these behaviors have abated; however, when she is mad she still makes sexual gestures with her breasts or crotch and invites me to sleep with her when she’s drunk.

Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Is this normal?

Hey everyone,

I'm not sure if this is allowed so I'll delete immediately if not.

I have a long journey in relation to mental illness, and have been diagnosed with BPD, Social Anxiety, and Body Dysmorphia.

I've set up an Instagram account called The Personality Project, with the aim of spreading awareness about mental illness with a focus on personality disorders. I'll also be starting a blog once I can get a site up and running.

If any of you are interested, feel free to check me out, it would be much appreciated 💛

The Personality Project

It just comes with time and therapy?

Or is there a daily ritual you guys/gals have to remind yourself?

My mum's borderline is WAY less wicked than many of your mothers.

I get confused where my NPD /Addict fueled thoughts come in, and where the pain is actually deserving of a healthy and angry voice.

Therapy won't be starting in some months.

Anyone some experience with sorting out the proper resentment from the projectionbullshit?

It's doable to do it alone, (i have become better than most at selfreflection and honest self-doubt) but my blindspots that I accumulated will never allow me to do it REALLY WELL without therapy..

hello! been lurking here for 5 minutes, immediately felt alot of recognition. Never heard other people express things I've been trying to get straight in my head for years... (understanding some of the bullshit, how it had an effect on me and how not to repeat those patterns in my own life)

So yeah, wanted to say hi and share a bit! (okay maybe more than a bit)

the shit part of the situation: Mum's got borderline (just me and her, dad's gone), so there's mood swings, sometimes nasty toxicity projected onto whatever is around (me, the system, her boss) when she feels powerless or frustrated (which she's oblivious to, that side of her it seems) there's been alot of abuse that i still haven't given a place, where she really just wants to destroy, coupled with some strategic and incredibly sophisticated victimcard playing, when i confront her. she then implicitly expects me to save her from the realisation that she might've been a bad mum. Saying things like ''sorry i exist''. ugh.

You might feel some resentment in my words about mum, yeah, you're spot on. I've only since a few years started to express some of this anger (i was unable to feel anger when i was younger, or show it atleast, the fear of her 'wrath' left a mark as a child). for many years i've secretly grown to hate her almost. Iremember feeling on edge all the time, and feeling like a forced clown kind of? Idk hard to describe, felt like I better made her happy or smile or I wouldn't be worthy of taken care of. I felt disconnected. When I got older I started to see her dysfunctions, and it subcinsoucly became the goal of my life as a child then to fix her. the relationship became very codependant. Not sure if you guys know the term ''Oedipal Mother'', but its that.

The thing I seem to consistently forget: Shes ALSO an amazing amazing person, felt like a best friend when i got a bit older. Her youth was hell, and she did what she could. she also did SO many things right. She's the only family I have, and me for her too.

My perception of all she's done wrong, and all the good parts getting left out; obviously one-sided bullshit. its just easy to feel like that, takes effort to remember and realize the good things.

And then there's all the things that I've been blinding myself too for years, out of arrogance, comfort, laziness, easiness, whatever. Doesn't really matter even: point is that I'm responsible for most dysfunction in my life, right now. I'm reaping what i sowed basically. I've lived like a self-obsessed addict for a lot of years, obsessing about all the unfair and unjust things in my life, and hating myself for that too, fun! 2 months ago been diagnosed with borderline and ''vigilant narcissism'', so yeah there's a lot of work to do.

Oh yeah good to tell you: I'll be starting MBT in half a year for the personality disorders, and just started therapy again around the addiction stuff (which is like my 6th?)

Any advice? An enlightened loving perspective I'm not seeing here? 10 DIY BPD tips n tricks?

Alright, thanks for reading!

Jari

firstly, I have disorganized attachment, if that helps at all. my bio mom was on drugs so an older cousin raised me. she herself had a very fucked up childhood and her mom had her at 16 so the family thought it better to raise her AS HER MOMS SISTER and not tell her. her aunt, her mothers actual sister, was a hellraiser. extremely mean and controlling. my cousin turned out the same way, but worse, with attachment issues that she still isnt aware of. heavy dose of narcissism but i think they are just traits, i suspect she has bpd. I have seriously disorganized attachment because of this. anyway. i moved in with my godmother at the age of 16 and since then, have had a strained, on again off again relationship with my cousin, who I still call mom because.... well she put the fear of God into me a long time ago and i can't handle anymore trauma. here is the rub. i am still terrified of her and yet, still long for her acceptance, approval, love, whatever. i cried driving to work this morning as i realized yet again that i had no physical affection as a child and its all i ever want now but cannot get it. i have a godmother who is loving and securely attached but i would rather chop off my left hand than to ask for a hug. so i cry because im paralyzed and what i want is within arms reach but i dont trust ANYBODY, sometimes not even my godmom. anyway. my cousin has been texting me during quarantine and trying to call me here and there but 9/10 times, when she calls i dont answer. EYE have to be in control and call her when EYE want, not the other way around. i hate that i feel so torn. at times i want to cut her off and be fucking done with it, but then she acts like she cares and is interested in me..... days months later she does something horrid and mean and i'm right back where i started. im not making any sense but does anyone else have an inbetween relationship with their mom?