Hi. I need some advice. I am in love with a Muslim man I met while traveling through Spain last October. Everything has been going great and he was excited to return to Morocco during Ramadan to tell his family about me. And his intentions to marry me. Although they all agreed that I am beautiful and sound wonderful they are denying me due to our cultural differences and age gap. I’m 9 years older. It doesn’t bother us. His parents are afraid of what others will say. Since then his family has started to pressure him into marriage and to completely stop communicating with me. He fled Morocco during Ramadan because his parents wanted to marry him off. His father is now making him choose between us. We both feel so helpless in this situation. We’ve talked about secretly getting married in Spain but his parents are threatening him with banishment. I know he is afraid of losing his parents but also doesn’t want to lose me. I feel completely lost and heartbroken.

Just wanted to know how long will it take one to feel at home in that new country. Of course, different people have different circumstances, so please share your stories!

For me, I moved to a completely different country to be with my husband. This country is considered a downgrade from my hometown, in terms of economy and infrastructure. Getting used to the infrastructure is one thing and I would have to forget participating in the local economy. Remote work is the only way to go. Also, I have to learn Arabic to function which has been struggle. I'm really bad at picking up new languages in general. It's been 2 years and I can't direct the driver/delivery guy to my house or set an a doctor's appointment without the help of my partner to translate things. Making and retaining friends have been an absolute ordeal. I might take a decade to adjust fully.

Hi guys, I wanted to have my Nikkah done soon inshallah this month. I am having a hard time finding an imam to help us with this , I live in the west in the PNW. There is not a lot of masjids here, is there any recommendations on what I should do? Is getting married by the state OK or does it have to be an Islamic marriage? Thank you 😊

Ok I’ve been married for 4 years and my sex life is making me upset.

Thing is, me and my wife had been dating (I know haram) and before marriage my wife told me she loved me so much and wanted to marry me.

However once we got married it felt like we had a forced marriage. From day one she never initiated sex or any form of sexual intimacy.

How can you say you love someone but aren’t sexually crazy for them.

I always have to initiate it and when I do she always tries to make excuses up which are the following:

• your mum will hear us
• I don’t want to keep having a shower
• I can’t be sexy as what if someone walks into the room

I ran with the excuses and said ok I understand you.

However my family went to India and we had the entire house to ourselves for 2 weeks. So now surely these excuses are null and void right? Wrong!

I bought her some lingerie which I wanted to see her in and told her to wear it. After literally begging for 10 minutes, she went put it on but came back in a bathrobe.

I told her take the bathrobe off as what’s the point of the lingerie if I can’t see it. She kept refusing but then said “I’ll take it off but first turn of the light”. I was like what’s the point then. She refused to listen but I gave in.

We had sex but when I would say let’s do this she would say no which instantly turned me off bear in mind nothing haram and once we finished she literally makes comments like “thanks now I have to shower”.

This is a common theme when it comes to and it’s has been 4 years.

Also when we do have sex she always refuses to have sex unless the light is turned off.

She never initiates sex, tries to seduce me or any effort in sex. It’s like it’s a chore for her.

4 years later and this is happening to the point I am losing sexual interest in her.

I have always found her attractive and compliment her.

I feel like I should divorce and find someone who can fulfill my needs.

My question is why is my wife behaving like this and is divorce the right thing?

I 32F been married to 36M for 13 years. I met him online and moved to the neighboring country to live with him. Our marriage has had many ups and downs (heavy on the downs) and I’ve been put in so many shitty positions. The main thing to know here is that when I tried returning across the border to visit my parents a couple months after moving, I was issued a 10 year bar from re entering the country where my parents reside. My family hence, were not able to come visit me because the same would happen to them when they tried to go back. So months after moving in with my husband and his family, it became apparent that I was stuck. It didn’t help that I was pregnant with our first child.

Over the years I’d learned that the man didn’t have a spine. His family are not Muslim yet he insisted we live with them but when they once locked me in the basement when they had company over (for fear that I would come up in my hijab,) he responded by ignoring my existence for weeks.

When our children were born he insisted on naming them very Muslim sounding names and proceeded to allow his mother to name and call him a non Muslim name while he was afraid of uttering his actual name.

I had multiple children back to back and became overwhelmed quick, and in my most vulnerable time (when I was nursing two babies and pregnant with my third) he would come home from work and be on his phone. Come to find out, he’s been on dating sites searching for a second wife. After finding his messages and journals I kicked him out and he went to his parent’s house for a week without as much as asking about his children. Let me reiterate that I had a an almost 2y old, and almost 1y old whom I was BOTH nursing and was vomiting from a pregnancy with my third-in a country all by myself and without knowing a single other soul.

I don’t know what exactly happened to me mentally during this time that had me making such stupid decisions like back to back children, but alas they are the best part of this story.

He insisted I homeschool the children but there came a point when my mind and body could not do it anymore. I spent 2 years trying to to convince him public schools would be a good enough fit and he refused and insisted the kids needed to be in Islamic schools. Finally I did it anyway because it was clear he had no concern for me or my wellbeing. Imediately after the kids were in school he began harassing me for being home. It almost seemed as if he was jealous that I got to stay home while he was having to go to work. I was so mentally physically drained at this point and my plan was to take it easy for a month and then focus on acclimating the kids at their grade levels. He stoped putting money in the joint account and continued the harassing and so I started applying. I immediately got hired for a part time position that allowed me to drop and pick the kids up and allowed me to wfh when I needed. I took it but for the first week I was to be at work for 3 days full time to complete my training. I let him know and he agreed that he would pick the kids up (he wfh and the school is a 2 min walk down the block from our house.)

On the second day of my first job since meeting him, I packed the lunches and got all the kids ready for school but was running late for work and hadn’t gotten ready yet. I asked if he could drop them (even though we agreed I would drop them since he would be picking them up) and he LOST his mind. We got in a heated argument and I was so angry that once again he would sabotage me (trust me it’s a regular occurrence) and in the heat of the moment I used the FBomb in my sentence. And that is the moment he divorced me Islamicly… because I asked him to drop his children off down the block, after he harassed me to get a job. He immediately texted my brother and told me he divorced me - which had he not done, it would be a different situation.

And here I am, 6 months later, wearing hijab in my own home. He lives in the basement and we have come to an agreement for child care (which I insisted on since im now scrambling trying to build a career to suffice myself and the kids on)

In this time he did not at all approach me to discuss. He’s told his parents that I wanted a divorce, that I’m always fighting and yelling which is true. I’ve been trying to get us to go to therapy and talk about our issues for so long while he wants me to just fit into this idea of the perfect woman whilst only receiving and not contributing anything to me or the home or even the parenting.

Since then he offered me 20k to take my name off the house He tried to get me to pay half the expenses for the house He tried getting me to pay my own phone bill(which I refused because I’m getting paid minimum wage part time which is literally just enough to cover my gas in this economy)

He eventually messaged with “conditions” which include me coming off my adhd medications, sex 3x a week and me not yelling and I responded that I’m happy to have a conversation about condition in the presence of a third, perhaps a therapist, who would hear us both. He agreed and since has made no effort to reach out to a therapist. And now he’s just existing.. I don’t talk to him nor he to me… we text to communicate about the kids.

And here’s the kicker, it doesn’t seem to me that he wants a divorce. He is dealing with this in the same way he deals with everything … maybe if he ignored it long enough, it goes away.

For me, I do not have it in me to live my life and subject my children to the life we’ve lived with him. To say i am traumatized is an understatement. But I have 4 very young kids and a divorce would mean I would now also have to provide for myself and them on top of carrying them alone. But even worse, I’d be alone in the country without even a mahram.

It sucks and I’m angry and sad and all the feels. What would you do?

I f(23) married for a year filed for divorce against m(22) because he wasn't supportive, abusive, and narcissistic.

Its been a few months and I want to move on and try to find someone for myself but I don't seem to come across someone who has caught my attention and I know that there's someone out there for everyone but it just seems like I'll be alone forever. I understand I'm young but I've been so used to having someone around and being emotionally dependent. I was dating a different guy for 4 years before I got married, that didn't work out because of cultural differences and I blame our parents for that. Now he's married and living his best life and I'm divorced back at my parents place. I'm not depressed and I'm trying to really enjoy my life and my time with everyone but as the days go by its getting harder for me I don't know why but I feel like it's maybe because I see my friends and everyone around me get married young and have a successful love life and I want that too. I'm graduating with a bachelor's this weekend and my family has been pushing me to find a job in a field that's irrelevant to what I studied and now I'm stuck It's getting hard to focus on what to do and I tried getting into hobbies so I started playing a lot of raquestball, I'll be at the gym, and I'll be reading but who knew this would be difficult. Overall I'm grateful for a new beginning, a fresh start and second chance in life but what do I do? I'm scared to find someone new and I'm afraid of going through the same thing twice, I have no interest in studying further or working so I'm practically living at home doing nothing

Salam everyone i need advice on what to do - been talking to a girl for few months and have recently told our parents that we are looking to get married. I am an financially stable and can take care of her. Her dad is not agreeing because we are not from same city. We have tried everything? Can anyone tell me if they have been in the same experience. I don't want marriage to happen if it's without her family consent as there will be a piece of her missing( her family not being there). We both Pakistani and our families are back minded. Can anyone advise on how to proceed?our options are pretty much

1. go our separate ways
2. get married without her family being involved and her being able to live with it
3. keep trying and delaying it thinking it may change

The other day we got a text, we were invited for dinner at my in laws, so after work we drove there, when we arrived my MIL “joked” multiple times saying “what you guys are gonna eat?” “Did you bring food for you guys?” Which I thought she was just being funny.

Minutes after I received a call from my dad, it was an urgent matter, and I took the call, I excused myself and during the call I explained to my dad, I was visiting my in laws, but we could go ahead with the call and keep it as short as possible.

During my call my MIL mentioned exclusively to my husband, her son, I was a lazy person, and how I dared to not help with the food, and added the fact that she was about to feed me and it was not her responsibility.

My husband was taught apparently to not argue with her mother, and he had nothing to say more to agree and tried to excuse me but her mom, told him I was a person that was too fat to eat. And my husband almost had a heart attack there trying not to say anything to defend me.

Afterwards I joined and food was done, I never guessed what happened, but afterwards I washed the dishes and made coffee for all. When we left my husband told me all and I really feel offended.

I want to talk to her about it, but she is never available and when I see her, she is always avoiding me.

We have decided to reduce the visits so far, not a fix but a temporary action.

Excerpt from Farhat Hashmi’s speeches on marriage and notes.

People sometimes only emphasize or focus on the responsibility of the husband about this world but not the hereafter.

“But you prefer the worldly life, while the Hereafter is much better and much more durable”. (87 16-17)

Solely providing food drink, and comfort in this world is not the husband’s responsibility only. It is also the responsibility of the husband to guide his wife and children about religion. Protecting the family from the fire in the hereafter is also his responsibility.

Allah says:

“O you believe, save yourselves and your families from a fire” (66:6)

Implicit advice in this verse:

(1) The wife should choose a husband who prioritizes the hereafter. Not that this man’s foresight ends in only a comfortable life in this world. Or that man has a shallow concern regarding the hereafter. It’s the common ‘I am a good person’ which even a non-Muslim can say where ‘good’ can be relative. If this man is such how will he guide the family?

Some women will marry a man for worldly reasons and expect him to change i.e. prioritize hereafter later. This is to begin a relationship with an unrealistic expectation let alone ignoring the guidance in the above verse.

(2) Similarly a husband should choose a wife who prioritizes the hereafter. Not that this woman’s foresight ends in only a comfortable life in this world.  Or that woman has a shallow concern regarding the hereafter. It’s the common ‘I am a good person’ which even a non-Muslim can say where ‘good’ can be relative. If this woman is such how will he protect or guide someone for whom the hereafter is not a priority?

Some men will marry a woman for worldly reasons and expect her to change i.e. prioritize hereafter later. Again this is to begin a relationship with an unrealistic expectation let alone ignoring the guidance in the above verse.

I'm 29F, husband 32M, both born, raised, and living in the US. I've been married for 2 years and in this time i've learned that my husband and parents in law are extremely enmeshed. They have very poor boundaries if any, expect and assume him to have the same opinions/feelings/interests as him. They seem to have raised him with the belief that his parents and siblings are and always will be a priority above his wife/kids (we don't have kids yet). His mom is a textbook narcissist and has made so many weird comments to me about how me and her are in competition and how his family is more important than me lol. i truly feel that he is a surrogate husband to his mom and i am the other woman. The whole family has to do everything together and be together ALL THE TIME. they get offended if we do stuff without them and need to know everything we do. My husband literally sends pics of our food to his mom every single time we go out to eat. When i bring it up, he gets extremely defensive. We even tried therapy and while he understands it's not super healthy, he is simply unable to stand up to his parents out of "respect" and he will bring Islam into it. I think they're actually just extremely cultural because they don't know anything other than the basics. My parents are much more "religious" and don't act like that towards my brothers and their wives AT ALL. I actually didn't realize how messed up my in laws treatment of me was until I saw how much love and respect my parents showed my sisters in law.

This is the number 1 issue in our marriage. I think my husband has a lot of great qualities and I care about him deeply, which is why im trying to resolve this issue but i feel like he is not interested and im alone in it. He wants me to ignore it and just go along with it. His parents have both treated me poorly in the past and we have not been able to get over it. They simply act like i don't exist now. I have tried over and over to have a relationship but it is always one sided. The double standards are comical. They want complete obedience, presents, attention, but literally don't even acknowledge our accomplishments. I don't think I want to introduce kids in the picture and have my kids think this is normal behavior and have a father who can't even stand up for their mom. I've lost a lot of respect and attraction to my husband. In a perfect world, he would see how damaging this is and grow a spine but I can't depend on that. I truly don't want to get divorced over this but I don't think I can spend the rest of my life around people who hate me because I don't tolerate their disrespect. I don't expect my husband to cut them off, I know they are his parents and I fully agree that he should love, respect, honor, care for them. But I think he is the biggest problem and he literally doesn't know how to say no to his parents or siblings for that matter. His other siblings are also enmeshed but not as much as him. He is the eldest and favorite child and I think no matter who he married, his parents would hate his wife for "taking him away" lol.

My options seems to be

1. Get divorced and hope the next guy is not emotionally married to his mom
2. Continue to live a marriage with dwindling emotional intimacy and loose all respect/attraction to my husband and just be going through the motions. Then turn into a resentful/angry/evil mother in law and ruin my daughter in laws marriage (THIS IS OBVI A JOKE LOL. Im much too self aware and not a psychopath)
3. Divorce, stay single and have peace lol
4. Struggle to get my husband to change which may or may not happen and waste my life waiting for him to change.

Truly why is being a Muslim girl SO HARD. Ugh. I just need to vent while i search for a therapist

I’m just wondering if there are other Muslim men here who regularly suffer emotional/verbal/physical abuse from their wives and what they do/have done about it. Especially when they have been married for a long time and there are kids.

To make it clear - no mental illness, no abuse from my side.

Please do not ask silly questions like have we done counselling, have I asked her why she does things like throw things at me or call me names and swear at me, as though maybe there’s some sort of acceptable or rational explanation for this.

I just want to know what others have done about it. If you divorced, how did you manage to sort out finances/house etc especially if you were the sole earner. Please don’t tell me to send her back to her parents house.

Thanks for the help in advance.

Again I emphasise there is no mental illness so please don’t go down this route.

EDIT: already astounded people are either questioning why I allow it or offering solutions to somehow “save” the marriage. I want out. I want to hear from other brothers and how they did it.

🚫 Never Describe Other Women To Your Husband.

An important characteristic of the intelligent Muslim woman is that she does not describe any of her female friends or acquaintances to her husband, because this is forbidden according to the words of the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ):

"A woman should not look at or touch another woman to describe her to her husband in such a way as if he was actually looking at her."

📚: Sahih Bukhari 5240

Al-Haafiz Ibn Hajar (رحمة الله) said: Al-Qaabisi (رحمة الله) said:

"The reason for this prohibition is the fear that the husband may like the description and that may lead him to divorce the woman who gave the description or be tempted by the woman who was described to him."

📚: Fath al-Baari, 9/338.

The aim of this Hadith is that a woman is not allowed to describe to her husband the features of another woman, be it the facial appearance, physical build, and or any other physical feature by such a way as if he may be able to picture her. Because it is possible he may fall in love with her; her features, her beauty and appearance will occupy his heart, or perhaps he will look down at her (his wife).

I don’t know if any of you remember me, but here are links to my previous posts: https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/8uB9gQjxAn https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/6ZYpKwKkzC

He moved in on the 17th. The Nikah ceremony was on the 24th! Alhamdulillah! It was beautiful. It has been amazing between us. Lots of apologies and making ups. But we have both agreed to be better partners wit But we have both agreed to be better partners to one another. Unfortunately, his family has all but shunned him. His mother called him wishing death on him and wishing she had killed him as a child. And she has said she will make dua against him and pray against him. Idk how to combat this. I tried reaching out to his eldest sister, no response. They all think I forced him into it. His father told him that he and I should not have any children because of our cultural differences. Its a mess but he and I are the strongest we have ever been. Thank you all for any advice you have given and for simply just reading my posts over the last couple of months. I don’t think I’ll be updating on my situation anytime soon or again, I’ll probably spend more time praying. But, thank you 🥹. We will work through this or past it together.

https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/6MaCjoSKPg

Please read my initial post (above) for more context. I wanted to get advice on my current position. The last few months have been hectic, so I’ll try providing as much details as possible. About 2 months ago my husband started becoming distant from me and wasn’t being himself, this went on for a week where we did not talk (even though we live in the same house). After a week he said can we let it go and go back to normal now. I didn’t say anything as I was angry, so he retreated and went back to not talking again.

A day later I confronted him saying why he didn’t talk to me for a whole week and what he’s been doing on his phone as he would spend a lot of time on his phone (yes I was implying he was cheating, although I have no evidence for this). He’s response was you didn’t talk to me either. He said that he didn’t want to be around me anymore because I constantly moan and nag / argue with him about the littles things that do not need to be argued about, he also said I am very controlling and want things my way all the time. He said it got to the point where he dreaded coming home from work just because he didn’t want to be around me or spend time with me (this hurt me a lot).

I then went to his parents to complain, and then got into a heated argument with his parents. They sat us both down to solve the problem but things got further escalated. He started shouting about how I don’t appreciate him and how I say to him that his not caring and that he is sick of me complaining about it over and over. He then says to his parents that he is caring and looks after my needs to the best of his abilities and that I am ungrateful and not appreciative. He complained that I just want more and more and that no matter what he does I am never happy. His father then said to me “From what I can see he is doing all his duties as a husband, he is providing for you, he is taking you out regularly and he’s on good terms with your family, what is it that you are lacking”? I responded to him by saying he doesn’t care about the little things, for example once we had an argument and so I went to stay at my cousin’s house for the night, not once did he call to check up on me, or to see if I have eaten etc (as I normally don’t eat when I’m angry). My husbands response was “You are an adult you know how to feed yourself, I do not need to monitor that for you” He goes onto to say that he feels like I want him to care of me like I’m some kind of child, an example he gave was, once we went to the Zoo and we got separated briefly, and how after 10 mins we found each other and I came storming up to him acting scared like I got lost, and was having a go at him for it (he responded that day by telling me, that we are in a Zoo, even if you got lost you could have called me or asked staff for help, you are not a child). When his parents heard this they where laughing which hurt me more and this made me cry in front of them. After that my husband went to get me tissue and said enough so we ended the conversation that day and I went upstairs.

Him and his parents carried on talking and I was listening in on them which they weren’t aware of. My husband said to his parents that his been dealing with my constant nagging and complaining since the beginning on the marriage and how he is losing feelings for me because of this. He said mentally he is drained because of me and that he no longer wants to move out with me, he said he will not move out unless things improve. This made me so angry as we had planned to move out in August this year, we have even bought a house and started renovating it. His dad said to him that this is not a problem and stay as long as you want here. But he warned my husband that my parents may have a problem with this, to which my husband said it’s none of their concern and they won’t know anyway as my wife doesn’t tell her parents about our problems. My father in law then proceeded to tell him that he's had calls from my dad about complaints about my husband in the past but he never told him, my husband was so angry he charged into our room and demanded I explain why I have been going behind his back talking about personal problems when he never spoke about it to anyway outside the marriage until today? I had no answer and just left the house for a walk.

When I got home my husband was still angry. He said he feels betrayed and humiliated that I’ve been telling my parents about our personal problems. He went on a rant about how disrespectful I am and that he feels betrayed by me and no longer trusts me. I went back out and called my mum and told them everything.

A day later my dad called my husband and told him everything I said. If you look at my previous post, It goes into details about how my husband doesn’t like going to my parents house. Well I told them this and they confronted him, and then my husband was trying desperately to defend himself to keep on good terms with my parents claiming he never said he dislikes them or doesn’t like going to there house and that I have manipulated his words.

After getting of the call with my parents my husband has said that I made up lies about him to make him look bad in front of my parents to cause problems. He then said that I bought shame on him and that he will never go to my parent’s house again. After arguing with him for an hour he was shouting at the top of his lungs, and I just left the room as I was frightened. His parents intervened and he told them that he can no longer handle me and that all the unneeded drama I bring into his life isn’t worth it.

We were arguing about him saying we will no longer move out and he says he refuses to move out until things improve, as he thinks I will drive him crazy if we are alone in a house. I then kept quite and waited till he was in the shower then packed my bags and left the house. It has now been 2 months and we have not spoken. He has not even tried to contact me, which proves his lack of care.

I am considering divorcing this abusive man. But wanted opinions but I do not think this marriage can be saved because of how abusive he is.

As salamu aleikum. I’m in dire need of advice from married couples.

Recently, my husband and I purchased a new vehicle. It’s a high end end, luxury car and though it belongs to the both of us, it’s symbolically a birthday gift for me as he says.

We’ve had the car for less than 2 months and in that time, his brother and wife, and his sister and husband have test driven the car (without asking, we offered)

CONTEXT: One evening, his brother, let’s call him Bilal, asked my husband and I to babysit while he and his wife went out. My husband offered to let them take our car while they are out and they accepted.

Bilal is the most kind hearted person and is the only person in his family who’s shown me appreciation and care. When my husband is out of the country, he lends me his car, he and his wife send food over to me and make sure I am okay. He calls regularly to offer Salam, and is very attentive to not asking for much, even when he is in dire need of help. He works 3 jobs and has 2 young kids.

His sister, let’s call her Anisa, on the other hand, had no regard for me. While my husband is gone, she makes no effort to reach out to me. My husband, Anisa and Anisa’s husband all traveled together last year. I had no vehicle and instead of offering theirs, they took both car and spare keys with no regard for me. I cannot fault her because I have not asked, but while she doesn’t do anything to build a relationship with me, she asks a lot of me. We babysit for her, I cook and clean her house for her when she gave birth, when she hosts parties for her son and her friends, I dedicate weekends to help her plan it and execute all the DIY decor. I helped with her baby shower, I help her move and am always enthusiastic to help her and her husband.

My husband has had to offer her a lot of support in her early motherhood because her husband did not step up. And got upset when Bilal, her other brother who is married with kids, told her it’s not appropriate to ask my husband to drop everything and come help her at all hours of the night because he is married now.

My issue now is that I am not comfortable with Anisa and her husband because I feel they take advantage of us. My husband and I will be out of the country for 2 weeks and we agreed to leave our car at my sisters house. More context; my older sister has always taken care of us, gave us a credit card that she covered when we got married, she also rented him an expensive car for our wedding.

ISSUE:

So the issue begins here, Anisa’s husband called my husband to ask if he could borrow our brand new car while we are out of the country. His brother is getting married, and he wants to drive him around in a nice vehicle. I am uncomfortable with the extent of their comfort ability to ask us favours like this because I now feel like they are taking advantage of us. I mentioned it to my husband and he thinks I am against his sister. For clarity’s we have a Mercedes that can easily be rented for cheap because Anisa and her husband have good jobs that come with car rental discounts. AITA for offering the vehicle to certain family members and not others?

Assalamualaykum,

​

It's Monday! So here is the weekly thread in regards to marriage/matrimonial criteria and services for marrying a potential spouse! Any posts about marriage criteria and services such as apps, masjid services, matchmaking events, the ISO thread, etc. will be removed and redirected to this thread!

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All content regarding personal criteria, dealbreakers, preferences, standards, etc in marrying a potential spouse will be discussed on this thread as well. Posts regarding these topics outside of this thread will be removed.

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Reminder that if you are posting app/matchmaking bios that you must censor ANY AND ALL INDENTIFYING INFORMATION. This includes names, social media handles, pictures (faces), etc.

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Please remember that this thread is not a Free Talk Friday thread and comments must be married related. Any non-marriage related comments will be removed.

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Users who comment on this thread to bypass posts that are designated as "[BLANK] Users Only" when they do not meet the post flair requirement will be banned without warning.

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*****

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## In Search Of (ISO) Thread

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This megathread also encompasses experiences regarding the r/MuslimMarriage ISO Thread for matchmaking. Please read all ISO Thread guidelines before posting. Below are the links to the three regional threads:

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* [ISO Thread - Americas](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/14oxy4b/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_9_americas/)

* [ISO Thread - Europe](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/14oy0wk/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_9_europe/)

* [ISO Thread - International](https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/14oy52g/in_search_of_iso_thread_version_9_international/)

One of the main reasons to get married is to have companionship, how has it positively affected your life?

For the context my child is going to be 2 in few months. My pregnancy was extremely difficult and traumatic. My husband and his mother starved me when I was pregnant. Husband was emotionally and financially very abusive. I had to work till the day of my delivery. And it took a toll on me.

I couldn't digest anything and kept vomiting throughout the nine months. One time when the vomiting didn't stop even through the night I woke him up around 11 pm to take me to the doctor. It wasn't far. It was a 2 minute walk. He woke up and patted my head and asked me to sleep it out. Other time I felt like I was getting a heart attack and he felt saying he will back after praying magrib or asar(don't remember exactly which one it was) and then didn't come till late. And I was alone lying in pain. He later told me he went to play with his friends. I had no family nearby to call.

Another issue was whenever he had to take me to the doc for appointments he would torture me by saying that I don't ask my parents for any favours. And I shouldn't tell him to accompany me.

He would often just leave me at my parents for months at end and would get angry if I would ask him to come get me.

In my 7th or 8th month I went to stay with my parents. This is a cultural practice. Two days before my delivery we had an emergency scare and he came to stay for the night and I was scheduled to be induced the day after. I begged him to stay the night before delivery. I cried in front of him so much. I told him I was scared and needed him. And he categorically refused to stay the night and went to stay with his parents.

My delivery was very traumatic. I wasn't given any epidural. When the time of delivery came they didn't give me any anesthesia and made a cut to get the baby out. I thought I was dying. They even stitched me up without any anesthesia. This also resulted in cephalo hamaetoma on my bhay. And then my placenta was stuck. In the delivery room it was whole another drama because his sister wanted to be there.

We weren't on talking terms from the 6th month of pregnancy. He even organized a trip with his friends in my 6th Or 7th month of pregnancy to a place from which it was impossible to come within 24 hours in case of an emergency.

Even when we were not speaking there wasn't a single day when we were not intimate. I never refused or even should a slightest bit of discomfort. I knew if I would show how uncomfortable I was he would throw a fit.

After the delivery he wanted to be intimate when I was breastfeeding our kid. He didn't even want to wait till I finished feeding him. He told me to keep feeding him. And then when I didn't show any excitement he said it feels like he is having sex with a dead body. He even said I was like this from day one.

And then from 4th month onwards he stopped even coming to my parents home and stopped calling even for his kid. I had to rejoin after the maternity leave. I worked from home. I was taking online classes. It was hard. I wanted to quit. I spoke to him about this. I told him even if we divorce would you bear you child's expenses. And he agreed. He said it is his islamic obligation. After I quit my job he stopped responding to me altogether. Before this he would buy diapers for the baby but after this he stopped even that.

I am in a very bad depression now. I want to kill myself as well as my child. It doesn't feel worth living. I got a job after a lot of struggle. And then he started threatening through his family to take away my child's custody. We decided on divorce and when we were setting the conditions he wanted to meet our child before that. To which I agreed. I took our kid to the park to meet him on every saturday. We would spend the day together. He then wanted to get back together.

I had some conditions:

1. Not to live with his family.
2. When we lived in his office provided accomodation his unmarried brother lived with us. Which was something I was extremely uncomfortable with. So this was my second condition that he won't stay with us.
3. No more kids. My first time was very traumatic. I won't go through this again.

He said we will give each other some time. And then for 5 months he stringed me along. We went on a trip. Which I agreed only because he said he wanted to spend time with our child. Going out on every saturday with him. And we were intimate again during this time. Even though I already told him it gives me panic attacks. But he just brushed it.

Now after 5 months he says the only way we won't get a divorce is if I don't put any condition on coming back. And he is mainly stuck of the child part. He says it is his dream to have multiple children. And has been sending me links from islamqa mentioning having children is a right on a spouse which we can't deny.

My point is it might be we can't even have a second child. He is throwing away everything for an imaginary child. He hasn't even been a father to his first one. He also wants to give up custody now that he saw how hard it is to raise a child. I feel embarrassed to beg him to consider my pov. He is not ready to compromise on this at all.

Ours was a love marriage. So it is already alot difficult. I want your brutal honesty. Am I being difficult? Is there no other way than to have a child? I am also scared he will do the same thing he did the first time. And I don't want any child being brought in this misery. Am I sinning? As muslimahs do we have no say in this?

Sorry for the long rant.

Tldr: Had a very traumatic pregnancy and delivery and can't even agree on a second child. Husband says I am forcing him to divorce me if I don't take this condition back.

Hello

Full chat is in my profile but essentially I have an anxious attachment, husband is a Dismissive Avoidant through a traumatic upbringing and childhood event. Married 2 years and separated twice, more below.

We met and married within a few months. He literally promised me the world, it was my first ever relationship and I was incredibly niave. He had a spate of casual relationships but apparently I was the one, and he never felt this way. He chased solidly even though I was pretty relaxed, I wouldn't say I pursued at all in the dating phase.

We got married, he changed.

We would speak about the future, house, kids, holidays, pets and he would be fine at first but it would seem triggering. Anyways long story short after a year he started deactivating and despite me asking what was up, he withdrew sex, affection, quality time and clearly basic respect and manners when he would talk to me. He came out with me apparently trying yo change him and that he has lost his independence and freedom.

We seperated.

I chased alot after that and only a month in did we date again, a married couple dating since we thought maybe we rushed marriage.

This lasted about 6 months until I felt he enjoyed the company and the sex with no real commitment to the marriage ie not wanting to cohabitate or future plan so I had enough and leaned back. He then asked me if I wanted us to live together again.

We did for 6 months. 2 months was fine, honeymoon period. Then the deactivation starts. Prior to this he is pushing for us having a child? I was hesitant and wasn't keen since we weren't solid but he insisted. Soon I was on board he shuts down over a gradual 4 months.

I was done. He turned round with the same rhetoric of he doesn't feel like his old self, I'm changing him, he doesn't want the same future as me etc etc. He also at this time had issues with his job, his health and a recent death in the family. I offered support until he outright refused and said he doesn't want my help.

He said he doesn't see me in his future. No one said the word divorce but it was assumed. I asked him for more details and he refused saying he was done with the conversation. We cuddled that night.

He messaged me a few days after I went to my parents telling me to collect my things.

Since then, 3 months or so we've not spoke.

What am I meant to do here? I love and care for him so much but he is a flight risk and I don't know if he is a risk worth taking. But equally he has so many good traits I know I wouldn't find in someone else.

Shall I reach out now asking for a sit down chat? See if we weren't married I would stick to no contact and properly get on but we have a contract binding us, I feel I have no real idea of whats going on in his head or what's happening. I feel like I want to close this chapter of my life is that's what will be happening, I don't understand the limbo and silence from him.

Please help!

I’m in my 20s now and would like to get married insha Allah. I look forward to what marriage brings and I want my relationship to be built on honesty.

I was R*pe/SA by a man when I was 19 years old. Long story short, im not a virgin anymore

When I’ve been speaking to a few potentials, a few have asked about my sexual history. I hate this question because im scared they will judge me when it was not my fault.  I don’t want to share what happened to me to anyone. 

What are rulings in Islam? Do I need to confess everything to my future husband or can I hide it? Can you provide me evidence with hadith and Quran verse?

BTW, the man has moved country and may Allah punish him.

I need evidence so I can make my decision

Assalamualikum guys I’m new here and I’ve(F18) been wanting advice as I am not sure what to do. My mom has been slowly forcing me for over a year to marry my cousin back in Pakistan later this year and I don’t want to I have told her many times but she doesn’t listen and says the emotional stuff like think about the family what will people say yk but however there is a decent Muslim man(M19) that I want to marry but I know my mom will never accept it and I don’t have a wali either am I allowed to marry him with just two witnesses and an imam as my wali or will it be invalid I need all the advice I can get tbh thank you.

Salam everyone, I’m a M25 been grappling with something important lately, and I could really use your insight. The truth is, I've found myself developing some feelings for my cousin F21, and I'm seriously considering taking our relationship to the next level by proposing to her. I’ve told my father and he’s supporting me on this. However, there's this nagging feeling of uncertainty creeping in because we've always been more like friends than anything else. And due to how weird this is I don’t know if I should go ahead and do it, I feel like if I didn’t do it I’d regret it. Your opinion means a lot to me, and I truly value your perspective on this matter. So, I'm reaching out to ask for your thoughtful input on whether I should pursue this or not.

I already always had bad self image problems but last year I got a proposal from family friend for their son so it’s like an arranged marriage. We live in different countries and when he saw me the first time he saw me from far then we talked online for 3 months then him and his family came for a week to do the nikah party and me and him went out a couple times alone after the nikah during their stay it’s been a year now and our wedding is in a month I’ll be moving to his country. Very day of my life I feel sooo ugly I’m soo insecure I even got diagnosed with androgenic alopecia meaning hairloss for life and hair is just getting worse in October they told me this and my anxiety about it got soo bad I was given an anxiety medication which I over used and accidentally overdosed my mental health was soo bad everyday I thought about how I could have the perfect life if only I wasn’t so ugly and how once this man sees me in my natural state no makeup acne scars dark circles bad skin thin frizzy hair he won’t love me I expressed all this to my mum but everyone reassured me that it will be okay.. and the reason why I haven’t left this yet is because I believe this man was sent from god before meeting him I was praying crying to get married to a good man and I didn’t know how I would meet anyone since I finished Uni and wasn’t working but these people came to our home then asked for my hand in marriage and he is an amazing man I really really want it to work but I know I’m not good enough even if I can look alright with makeup this is someone who will see me everyday for the rest of my life and I am sooo ugly. I prayed and prayed everyday since I knew him that I’d be good enough I’m even crying writing this right now. As I said in October and the months before that my mental health was bad every waking moment was spent in my mind in hell of all the things that could go wrong after I overdosed my mum took extra care of me helping me through it all and I’ve been okay but these days I keep having this feeling that I’m going to fail the marriage I’m not going to be good enough he won’t love me for me and I’ll come back home like a idiot who failed in life again I might seem weak writing this but I can’t even talk to mum anymore she thinks I’m okay now I’m doing better and I don’t want to show her I’m falling apart again I have a full plan on how to end it if things don’t work out because I’m not going back to my families home. We don’t even have a family home anymore all my siblings have moved out and my parents are divorced. My pain seems endless but this time I can’t afford to fall apart anymore. As much as I love this man I think maybe if I married someone else I won’t feel as ugly because he’s pretty good looking and so are his sisters and they are rich and we’re not so I just think if I married someone else I wouldn’t have such painful thoughts all the time.

I'm a very thoughtful woman but I just feel like I'm not appreciated. My husband doesn't do anything for me on special occasions on his own, if he does I have to tell him. For my last birthday, we went to dinner 2 months later after I constantly reminded him. He did also get me a gift 1.5 month later and sent flowers on the day of, but it never seems genuine and always forced. I've communicated many times these thoughtful things mean so much to me, he said he's 32 and some things are hard to change. Even when he goes to Tim Hortons in the morning he doesn't ask me if I need anything, he just grabs it for himself. On eid, I told him I would love flowers a bit before, he didn't even say Eid Mubarak to me and we just celebrated nicely with his family. I was very excited to get my first eidi from my husband. He didn't even say I look beautiful or anything.

Everytime he gave me flowers it was because I asked, he never randomly does thoughtful things and it's making me sad.

His birthday is in a few days, I had a lot planned like cake at 12am, going out for dinner, taking hi to a car show, and some gifts he mentioned.

I noticed he was always selfish when it came to me and never tried, now I'm tired of always planning these cute things. Plus in a recent argument he said he doesn't need me doing anything anyways.

P.S I communicated many times, he said he's just not that person but when we went to Dubai he's like buy my mom a perfume and books for my 1 year old nephew (since we were going to his house for the first time). He also bought his nephew stuff, but looks like he just doesn't do thoughtful things for me without being asked.

Anyways for his birthday I'm not going to do anything anymore and just wish him happy birthday. Is this wrong? I've done it before and he doesn't reciprocate.

My wife really wants to live too close to her parents but I’m not comfortable with that. She said like a few blocks away or something. I said I need more intimacy and I don’t feel like I want them to be watching everything I do. Is it normal to want to live at least a 15m drive from there? I feel like she is way too dependent on her parents and I don’t want her to neglect our new married life to be 24/7 at her parents house.

Mandatory disclaimer! I am not going through this. This is just a thought that came to my mind and I wanted to know how to handle such a scenario.

So if you, unfortunately and God forbid, end up in a scenario where you're going through a miscarriage/missed abortion/abortion/still birth, how do you think you can support/counsel/emotionally help your wife? What can you do to help in such a difficult time?

The reason I ask I because I am emotionally tough and I think I can handle it. Of course I'll be very sad and emotionally low but will come out the other side thinking it was God's decree and His mercy and that He has something better in in store for us.

But I wanted to know how best can one support their wife since they'll literally lose a part of themselves. It is the absolute worse feeling in the world and as a husband, she'll probably be banking on you to bring her out of it.

My husband recently bought a home. On top of that I am pregnant and due in 3 months. He is expecting me to live with and "unmarried brother in law" because it will help in mortgage payments. Although my husband is very religious, he went through the turmoil of going for halal financing for a house..but expects me to live with a non mahram? I have had a difficult pregnancy and I can barely take care of myself how can I have added responsibility of another man. Not only this his another youngest brother will come to this country next year and he will also be financially depent on us since he will be a student. I mean I get helping family out...but this us literally my most vulnerable period for me, i am just sitting here thinking how can someone be this cruel...how do I make him understand this...I really don't want things to take an ugly turn...I want to make him see reason. Although the 2nd brother is not financially dependent it still a hinderence to me during postpartum with a baby..I dont want this. He never mentioned anything before buying a house. And I am like a fool financially dependent on him who has given up her job. I really wish there is a way to deal with this situation without things getting ugly. For little context, All of our family is back home except his younger brother who is here, and youngest to come next year.

Me (23F) and my husband (33M) got married almost two months ago despite many complications and issues with my MIL. We always loved and wanted each other and he always told me how much he desired me and couldn't wait for us to be married to finally be intimate together. We spent our first weeks together in our honeymoon in the Maldives. Which in my opinion was the perfect destination and perfect scenario to get close to each other and be intimate. First week is gone and he doesn't even initiate any type of physical contact. When it’s time to go to bed he turns around and gives me his back. I tried numerous times to initiate physical contact but we only kissed because he immediately shuts it down.

We just hold hands when we are out together. That’s all.

Whenever I brought this conversation to him, his excuses were always that he’s not in the mood, he’s tired and other sort of crappy excuses. This is a shocker for me and I don’t know how to approach this. Because whenever I try to get close to him he rejects me and I feel humiliated.

I’m fit, have a very feminine body and I take good care of my hygiene. I’m certainly not unattractive because whenever we go out and men look at me he gets jealous and angry.

Two months went by and it feels like I’m living with a roommate. I don’t know what to do because at this point I’m tired and I’m considering leaving him.

Update to I (24) female is seeking advise for M(30) marriage issues.

For those keeping up to date the little back story is that I’m the sole provider, meaning that I own a medium baking business and my husband wanted me to pay £600 a month to his family. Anyway after the last update 1 under the comment section of that post. I stated that I was going to have a conversation with my husband about Islamically I come above his parents etc.

Yesterday was the 6th of May 2024, my husband and woke up at 8am because I needed Boxes from town that’s a 20minute drive and a bit dangerous therefore I was allowed to go alone. On the way, he started blasting music which was hurting my head. I had been up since 4am that morning prepping the goodies for an order that day.

In the car ride he got upset because my car is a pre owned vehicle and was driven by another so the Bluetooth had his name on it still. Keep in mind this vehicle was bought by my father before I even met my husband.

He had pulled aside on the road, and we had a big argument. This argument had lead to both of us saying a lot of hurtful things to each other. As that, he got more upset, which lead to him punching me, busting my lip and breaking my teeth. Busting my head open at the back. The back teeth is broken and then the front which lead to a piece being lodged in my upper lip. He punched my chest multiple times. Multiple punches and scratches on my face, neck, back arms and so much more. There’s bruises everywhere I can’t believed how injured I am and he showed no remorse. He was laughing at my face and the damaged he had done. He sent me out the car to get the boxes alone limping, bleeding mouth to just pick up my items.

On the way back he told me to drive in my state. A 20 minute drive, broken, bleeding and so much more. I had backed out and got no response from him. He didn’t care.

I drove him to his parents house at his parents house they felt no remorse for me and attended to him first with water even though I was bleeding still.

His parents locked me in the bedroom, I started to have a panic attack then I phoned my parents. My parents showed up and his parents and him threw my dad the floor. After that we had gone to the station and then wrote a report and my ex husband is locked up.

I’m going to the mulaann and mosque tomorrow to divorce him.

Please any sisters help me and give me advice .

Assalam Alaykum

I've longed for a family with three children for as far as I can remember, ideally close in age. Though my marriage isn't as fulfilling lately, I'm grateful for the blessings I do have.

I am blessed with a beautiful boy (5yo) who has so much love to give. I see how caring and compassionate he is towards his cousins and me, and witnessing his kindness makes me yearn for him to experience siblinghood and to become a caring older brother. I share in this desire for another child, but the current financial strain and global unrest gives me pushback. Is it responsible to bring another life into this turbulent world??

The suffering of the world in the news make me unsure about having more kids. Still, I really want another child, even though I'm worried about what's right for us and the child. Sometimes I almost talk to my husband about it, but I'm not sure what the best decision is. .

I am 37yo, and my biological clock is ticking. Any guidance or advice would be immensely appreciated. This internal conflict weighs heavily on me emotionally and mentally, and I long for clarity and resolution.
Jazak Allah!