CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNINGS:

Chronic illness, disability, depression and anxiety, hurt/pain, sadness, loneliness, grief of various kinds, mention of alcoholism, mention of another's suicide, poverty, trauma, ghosting, lockdown and the pandemic, mention of abuse, family estrangement, complex family dynamics. ((Please let me know if I need to include any others!))

Preamble

I am no stranger to Grief, I have been experiencing it in full force since essentially 2019, but most strongly as of this year. I have experienced loss in so many different ways. I will try to tell my story, I will try to explain it as best as I can. I don't expect it to be fully read, nor do I expect anyone to have any answers necessarily, but maybe someone will have had similar experiences. Maybe someone will find some solidarity. Even just for one person to know...

About Me

I am a thirty-two year old non-binary trans masculine queer disabled persons. My disabilities include: CPTSD, PTSD, OCD, depression and anxiety, severe GERD and IBS, and fibromyalgia. Without getting into anything or giving further details on it, I have been both on the frontlines of activism and an educator (online, guest lectures, workshops, etc). My entire immediate family is disabled and chronically ill; we are few and estranged from the rest of the bigger family (due to poverty and disability, among other things).

I am a survivor of multiple Traumas and Events, starting from very early childhood. I grew up in poverty and have never once been above the poverty line (even when I worked full time and was going to university full time). I have multiple partial degrees. The past couple of years of extreme constant stress has resulted in my chronic illnesses and disabilities progressing rapidly. But I believe I will recover some of what I once had and recuperate - even if it's not quite the same, I believe I will eventually, hopefully, one day, stabilize.

2019

I lost a best friend of over fifteen years - it came down to that we had just grown to become different people and that we had developed a toxic codependency. It was a mostly amicable, if painful, parting of ways. The unfortunate part is that she is/was the core of an entire friend group and extending circles - this therefore meant that I would no longer be a part of those groups and could not remain friends or involved with anyone in those circles connected to her. Additionally, she was also my cousin, as my mother and her uncle were together for many years. So I also could no longer attend the weekly family dinners - something I had cherished from the age of fifteen until I was twenty-seven as it was not something I had experienced until I was fifteen.

I have grown a lot since I lost that best friend and those communities. There are some associations that still pain me. Last year, our grandmother from that side passed away due to cancer. I was unable to attend her service. I don't know that I ever truly processed that grief.

2020

My second best friend of over sixteen-ish years suddenly cut me off at the start of lockdown after getting involved in some bad habits with some bad people. Their last words to me were, "I don't like what you've become but I don't hate you enough to tell you what" - and then they blocked me. Those words haunt me still. I think what makes me saddest about it all is that I watched them grow up to become one of their abusers, they couldn't break the cycle. And I know they wanted to so badly. We moved out on our own together at eighteen to escape unsafe households. I can only hope that one day they will access the supports they need.

A month after that, another good friend cut me off as I had accidentally mentioned a translation of their full name in a livestream, where we had recently been targets of discrimination and hate. I had thought that, after all their kind words in January for my BDay, that surely I could make amends and be given a chance. I was not. This person was also a foundation for community for me, and I lost access to all of those spaces and people. Once again.

A blowout with another large discord community only a month after that caused me to lose yet a whole other community and close peers who had all become close due to the lockdown.

Towards the end of 2020, starting in September, I struggled with some alcoholism. It doesn't matter that I wasn't catastrophic or incredibly destructive, I still ended up hurting people and I did it just enough to realize I needed to get sober. Unfortunately, the cost before finally choosing to become sober was the last community I had.

2021

I fled from an abusive and dangerous situation at the start of 2021, removing me finally from local communities. What good and best friends I had were all I had left. But I was starting anew, on my own, and I was going to be okay. No matter how dismal and abysmal the world seemed, I cherished what I had. I accomplished things, I stayed sober (still am).

For the first time in several years, I was interested and able to start writing again. I thought I had found a new community. Unfortunately, hate and discrimination forced me out, costing me community once more.

2023

May 2023, the grandmother I previously had mentioned passed away. A small part of me regrets not having been able to attend her services, but there just was no way.

Two good friends and upstanding members of local communities cut me and several others off and out, without a word as to why. It triggered me for multiple reasons: the reminder that local communities are not always safe for me, and that my abusers might have been involved. As far as I know, my abusers were not actually involved, but the ghosting was still very painful.

2024

My third best friend of over twelve years committed suicide. I was the one who figured out something was wrong when I heard nothing from him and he failed to follow through on plans he and I had made. I called our mutual good friend, we filed the police report. The next morning we got the news that he had passed days prior and had found an unidentified body. I don't know how I knew, but I knew. Something had felt terribly, terriblyterriblyterribly, wrong for the days he was missing. My good friend connected with his previously cut-off sister and helped fight for the right to receive half of his ashes (rather than their abusive parents getting them all). We were supposed to split them. His sister ghosted us and kept them all.

I planned and organized both his public memorial and his private wake. Prior to his sister cutting us off, I went with her to his apartment to go through his things in the one time window we would have before his mother legally would have the right. I have gone through some of his accounts and files, but I haven't really dug into his computer yet; I am the only one who can and will do so, I will do it whenever I am ready and able I suppose.

Between all this, I have made small mistakes that I feel have been catastrophic, one of which cost me yet another friendship (I was inconsiderate in planning an event and regarding one person's disabilities, I own that). Each time, it feels as though people have assumed the worst of me, have lacked faith in me, whether they are new people in my life or old. It hurts because I am just trying to get through the grief, I'm trying to process, and I am doing every single thing in my power to accommodate and be compassionate of everyone else in my life. I really have been and am trying.

I've planned nearly every event this year, I've made sure it is seen through (noting that there have been exceptions, of course, but I am the proactive one). I am keeping two romantic relationships afloat (I am polyamorous), and one of them came dangerously close to ending through events completely unrelated to all this and no fault of my own (believe it or not). I am on disability to pay for my bills, and though I juggle them, I have made it work. I keep myself and my home well-maintained - because I can't go anywhere most of the time and it is crucial to my health (in every way). I will always hear people out, I will always do my best to admit my wrongs and to step back when I need to. Truly, if you believe nothing else, believe that I am really trying to be the best person I can be for others. Ever the bleeding heart.

And through all this, I grieve deeply for my best friend who passed. It would be I or our mutual good friend he would have called - and he deliberately didn't. The local authorities did find a letter and were able to get it to us. It is both a comfort and awfully haunting. I can remember almost all of the eulogy I wrote and read, how I had always envisioned he and I, hands clasped together, weathering any storm. And he isn't there. And it hurts so much. I experience moments of anger and bitterness - he was supposed to be there, and he isn't.

And now, my mother, my horribly ill mother, has cancer for the second time. We have had our sit down talk to begin planning her will and things (something I think anyone at the ages of 25-30 should start considering). We don't know that it's terminal yet, it's hard to tell, but it isn't good either. She had an incident the other night and was found several hours later, unresponsive. So now she is at the hospital, and I have begun to wonder "what do we do if we are out of time?" After all the hell I just went through with my best friend, it's going to be so much worse to deal with direct family if her affairs are not in order. And if we do have time yet, then where do we even begin to find affordable remotely decent continuing care for her? My sister and I are both disabled and on income supports.

Where I'm At Right Now

This is the first year of my entire life I have struggled with insomnia like this, and struggled to bathe myself. I compromise with sponge baths, but I can't do only that (my OCD can only tolerate it so long). I've had sleep issues before, sure, but never like this. I'm terrified of sleeping because I literally have nightmares and stress dreams every single night, and I have for years now. And it's somehow worse now. It's exhausting. And it's nights like these where I really miss him, because I could have called him, reached out. Maybe he'd still be awake, maybe he would call me in the morning. But he'd be there. And he isn't now.

He was the last person I could trust all of my truths to, we could bare our ugliness together. He had become essentially an orphan (after cutting his sister off; it's always complicated isn't it). There was a time where I was his strength, I got him through so much of the first years of his major growth and healing. And I realized in the most recent years, the tables had turned, and he had become my strength. I was so excited for the future together, to watch us to continue to grow. To watch anime and movies together, be geriatrics together. And now we won't.

The things I admired most about him:

• He was always so genuine - whether it was noticing the smallest and simplest of details in a minecraft build (from both newbies and veterans), to great works of art and engineering. Every meal made for him was just so good, and you could see it in every part of him. His voice, his expressions, his body language.

• The little joys - he always found the time for the happiness in all things. The bees, the birds, our shared music interests, and the warmth of the sun. I have chosen to actively chase the little joys in all parts of my life, both the immediate and the long-term. I've collected all kinds of goodies, I play the games I like with less fear of judgement, and I am trying to learn what it means to be silly again.

• He was one of the most selfless people I knew, offering what he had when he could, always. Although we had experienced so much trauma and witnessed the horrors, he never wished that ill upon anyone else. He was a student of hope-punk, a bleeding heart fighting cynicism. He cared very deeply for his loved ones, and was loved by many more people than he could have ever imagined.

Especially in this day and age, in these times we live in, I choose to uphold love, to uphold compassion, hope, and joy. I will choose and fight for the things he believed in and those values I mentioned. It's just that some nights feel so much darker, so much colder, so much lonelier. It hurts so much but I know this hurt is temporary, it will pass. I will recover and I will heal. I know it will take time (I've literally told my inner circle it's gonna take me at least two years to stabilize from this). I know I need to be patient with myself, give myself grace.

I'm trying some things like very light journaling and the Finch app - they do bring me joy and they seem to be helping. I consider it god damned remarkable that I am still sober. I am doing my best to avoid the "what if" game about my mother - whatever comes, we will find a way.

I am no stranger to Grief. It has been a constant companion my whole life, well before the years I begin at in this post, but perhaps most strongly and painfully since then. Healing and change are hard, but remarkable things await me if I can just get through. If I were to choose some media that I feel best represents me and this journey right now: "The Boy and The Heron", "Wakanda Forever", and "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine".

Whatever happens, we will get through this. I believe in you. Remember that you are valued and you matter. ♥

Any recommendations/links to some books that could help me explain to my 3 year old daughter that her Grammy/Best Friend is suddenly dead?! I can’t even begin to imagine having to tell her but I needs to happen asap 🥺🥺 Thank you for reading/helping!

My nose is so raw, red, and swollen and I can’t even move my lips without it pulling an md being painful! I have no idea what to do! Please help with any advice other than “should’ve used soft tissues instead of a sweatshirt’

Hi I’m a 20f and I recently loss my grandma march 23/2023 and it’s my first Christmas without her. She fought cancer for 18yrs. I find myself crying every night thinking about her, all the memories we had. It’s causing my mental health to go down again

My dad's brother has recently received a terminal diagnosis. We're all very upset, and it is hitting my dad particularly hard. He broke down in tears when we went out for a meal today. All I could think to do was squeeze his shoulder from across the table and say "I'm so sorry, Dad". I've got nothing beyond this. For those of you who have dealt with similar loss (I'm also very sorry) were there ever any words that brought you comfort? Or is the reality that no words can puncture such colossal loss? How can I best help? What do people say? (We're not religious.) Thank you in advance.

I’m a 26 year old male and have never grieved like this man has. I don’t know TOO much about him but I know he lost his wife in a relatively small time frame after they brought their daughter into this world and now he has lost both of his parents. I just want him to know that I’ve been thinking a lot about him and maybe leave him with something that can help?? But idk how to navigate this so please help. He’s a great guy, everybody loves him. He has his daughter with him and I think it could be all he needs but idk. How can I show him I’m concerned about him or help him or say the right things here? I’m open to any and all suggestions here. He loves The Foo Fighters and a bunch of older bands and he’s from Jersey. Loves pizza and shit lol. Idk somebody help. Mets, Broncos, and Michigan fan idk need help.

I received the heartbreaking news a few days ago about my sister-in-law’s passing, and I’m still in shock. I feel lost on how to help my sibling through this unimaginable loss. I hadn’t been in contact with them for a while, but hearing this news broke my heart. I can’t help but regret not working out our differences sooner. Her death has been a painful reminder that life is fragile, and we often take people for granted. She leaves behind three children and her spouse. Tragically, her death was the result of an accidental shooting by her own child, who is still too young to understand what happened.

I’m not sharing this to invite judgment or to point fingers about what could have been done differently—we’re all aware that this could have been prevented, and my sibling is struggling with guilt over what happened. There were so many ways that day could have gone differently, and I know they’re replaying it over and over in their mind, wishing they could change the outcome.

The question I’m grappling with now is: how can I help my sibling and my niece and nephews cope with this loss? I feel awful about reentering their lives after years of silence, especially under such tragic circumstances. I don’t even know what to say to someone who has lost their wife this way. What words could possibly offer comfort in a moment like this?

Long story short, my husband's brother died on Thursday and he left on a flight yesterday. We live in a European country while out families are in Latin America. My husband left in a rush and I told him I would stay for a week as I have to solve issues at work. Today the remainings of his brother were buried and he called me and said that I had failed him by not being there. I know he wanted me to be there and I really appreciated his brother but I'm far and this is a very expensive and out of the blue situation. My responsibilities at work are still important and I'm trying to comply with both. I'm feeling completely devastated as I'm leaving everyone down.

Hi all,

My mother passed away on Tuesday morning. She had been in the hospital for 3 weeks after developing delirium from what was believed to be a UTI. In the hospital they found other things wrong - and then discovered she had a perforated bowel. Due to how weak she was, they couldn't operate as it would have killed her. So they put her on antibiotics to see if that would help.

We got a call last Sunday night telling us that she wasn't likely to survive the next 24 hours. To say we were shocked was an understatement.

My mother had rheumatoid arthritis and a overwhelming fear of doctors and hospitals (due to her evil mother and father), and lived in pain for the last 30 odd years. She had went off food recently, and nothing we could do would make her go to the doctors. We tried everything to get food into her, but she would just vomit most of it up. It got to the point that she couldn't walk to the toilet, and we had to get a commode for her - but even then we were lifting her in and out of bed for that.

We did eventually to convince her to get a doctor to see her about 2 months ago. The first one that came out said it was all down to over medication. The second one that came out said the same, and would recommend occupational therapy - then went on holiday for 2 weeks and didn't do a referral. I'm a huge supporter of the NHS, but these 2 doctors I will forever despise. It took a call to the doctors from my father after a night of my mum suffering hallucinations and delirium (she saw her dead dad, people hanging outside windows and thought I was her brother), for them to send out an emergency Occupational Therapy team - who immediately went back and told the doctor she needed to get to hospital straight away. Those 2 women are wonderful for what they done.

However, with the lack of eating and general poor health, it was too late. Her blood pressure was getting so low each day until Monday when she just went to sleep and never woke up.

The one thing I'm grateful for was getting to see her Sunday afternoon, and seeing her more stable and actually talking to her. She was still confused, but my mum was there and she looked better. I told her I loved her, and she said she loved me back. That was the lady words we said to each other.

The fact that we got a call later that night telling her she was going to go was just - surreal. Even now I don't quite grasp it.

Her funeral is next Thursday, and it'll be a quiet affair. That's when it will hit me.

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest.

I just needed to get this all of my chest, I'm just so overwhelmed, I really am. My father who I was extremely close to has passed away recent, I'm still in shock, numb, anger, everything under the sun, I know it's going to be a long road to healthily process this, but my family has been rushing to start funeral preparations, we already have a date for the funeral, and it's all just too much.. of course there has to be a funeral, but nothing feels.. personal.. about any of this, the rest of the family, while they love him, are concerned about getting this done as soon as possible, he's being treated like one big bill, his death has been nothing but signing paperwork and figuring out legal stuff, I hated signing his death cert, maybe this is all irrational, again I know all this has to be done but I feel nothing but burning anger, I feel like I can't bloody breath and focus on the emotional side of things.. he died and we're rushing to quickly get him in the ground so it can be over with.. the family have repeated this many times, he was an actual person, a real human.. not some process, it all just feels soulless, I hate it so much.

Thank you stranger for listening to my mad rambles.

Sorry for the word vomit. Just getting things out.

My grandparents raised me and my grandfather became that father figure. I had a wonderful childhood and teenage years filled with a lifetime memories.

He was a man amongst men and when he spoke people listened. He was a hard man but just in his decisions. He was a man of God and preached his word for decades and loved his family very much.

I joined the Air Force at 18 years old and spent the next 20 years serving my country. I made every effort to call home just to say Hi but as life would have it I always busy and said I’ll call tomorrow. Well tomorrow never came. I was deployed and he passed while I was asleep. My wife tried to get a hold of me but I never heard my phone ring due to how noisy my sleeping area was. When I called her back it hit me like a ton of bricks. Pretty sure I set a world record traveling from the Middle East to get home. It was fast.

We had the funeral and unfortunately I had to go back to finish my deployment. I didn’t get a chance to fully grieve with my family. I was left with my own thoughts of should’ve, could’ve, would’ve and it was too late. No one to blame but myself.

The time came for me to retire from the Air Force and he wasn’t there. I wore his ring in memory. Luckily everyone else was able to attend my ceremony.

I owe everything to that man and it is a debt I could never repay. I could spend a lifetime repaying him and it wouldn’t be enough.

I had a dream about him 2 months ago and he shook my hand and gave me a hug that I was desperately missing. We hugged and he told me he was proud of me. One of the best dreams I ever had.

My friend once said the mind understands but the heart doesn’t and I’m hurting.

Thanks for reading and hope your day is going well.

I am still in shock four days after my husband died. Our daughter is in college for finals for another week and I'm all alone. The calls and texts from people have stopped and his family was kind of distant.

Nobody ever tells you how alone you truly are after a death like this, an unexpected death at that.

Has anyone else experienced grief alone? How did you cope?

I'm on mental health meds already and I've made sure not miss any.

My girlfriend lost her mom a few years back to suicide. I can into her life two years after it had happened and didn’t know until she told me a couple months into our relationship. She is clearly still grieving and struggles every day because never got the closure she wanted from their relationship. One day she just left for a weekend getaway and didn’t come back.

When the police went back to the house with the news, my girlfriend was there to answer the door. The police had her call her grandparents to let them know that their daughter had just killed herself. The trauma from that day still haunts her.

I jumped into her life after she had swallowed her pain and internalized it. Pretty often, that wound opens back up and I try my best to support her in every way that I can. Lately, she’s been struggling a lot with it and cries almost every day.

Today she told me she was considering self harm/ending it all and I got angry. I tried my best to hide my anger but I told her how doing anything to herself would just be passing the same pain that she has into me. I asked her if she would want to do that to anyone else. Me especially. I reminded her that her pain is hers but it’s not going to be this bad forever and that a permanent solution such as that, wouldn’t solve her problems, but rather just give them to me; the person that loves her.

I told her we need to work together to take some steps towards healing and am having her call some therapists. I’m usually a soft spoken casual person around her, but I was very direct and stern when she brought up self harming.

Was I too hard on her? I don’t want to aggravate her grief and make it worse. All I want to do is help her. What are things I can say or do that help? I feel like just being there and listening is not enough.

I’ve been bottling my dad’s death for the past 9 months. Today I had a mental breakdown and called 988. Just looking for someone to be able to talk to about what I’m going through

My grandfather raised me and played a huge part of my life. After I moved across the country I called him almost every single day. He’s been steadily declining the last month or so, and he’s been such an old man all my life. I really thought I was mentally prepared for his passing, but I’m pretty upset by it.

I am not a spiritual person, but the morning I found out he passed away, before I knew, my five year old came to me and said “I’m really missing great grandpa today, I know he isn’t feeling good. Can you send him this picture of me and tell him I love him?” At this point my grandpa had already passed and my son never really speaks about him so it came out of the blue. Makes me think it was my grandpas way of saying good bye.

Have you ever experienced a loss so profound that you can't figure out if you're coming or going?

It’s completely normal to experience intense sadness 😢, anxiety 😰, and even a sense of anticipation as you try to figure out what life will look like moving forward. For example, you might find yourself constantly thinking about what could have been or worrying about how you’ll manage in the future without that person or thing in your life.

For How Long Will This Be?

Grief doesn’t have a set timeline, and it can show up in many different ways. Some days you might feel okay, and other days the sadness hits you like a wave 🌊. Anxiety can also make things feel worse like you’re constantly waiting for the next shoe to drop 👢.

Navigating This?

It’s important to be gentle with yourself during this time. Take things one moment at a time and know that healing doesn’t mean you forget—it means you find a way to move forward while carrying the love and memories with you. It’s okay to reach out for support from friends, family, or a therapist when it gets hard to cope on your own 🤝.

Here’s the thing: You don’t have to figure it all out right away. Healing doesn’t happen in a straight line—it’s messy, and that’s okay. ❤ Some days, you’ll laugh and feel a sense of peace, and other days, you’ll feel like you’re starting all over again. Both are part of the process.

You are stronger than you think, even when it doesn’t feel that way. If you find it hard to navigate these feelings, know that support is here.

Hope for You - Way Forward

You don’t have to face this alone. 💬 Reach out to me if you need someone to talk to or are looking for tools to help you manage the overwhelming feelings you’re experiencing. We’re in this together. ❤💬 Let’s talk if you need help working through it all.

I lost my mom early this morning. It hurts so bad. I've lost people before but this one hurts worse than ever. She was my dads wife but was more of a mother to me than my own birth mother. I already miss her so much and I don't know how Christmas is even gonna be at all enjoyable without her

My mom committed suicide in 2017 and I haven’t ever really dealt with it. This year I started therapy and my therapist encouraged me to write a letter to my mom…I tried, and then it turned into this. I think I’m finally making peace with pain, so I thought I’d share..

It's actually my grandparents house, but my dad inherited it. And now it's mine. And now it's totally empty. I've never seen this house empty. It's cold. It's terrifying. It's a kick on the guy reminder that they are gone ( dad and grandparents). I hate that I even have to empty it to sell it. That's due to my dad's bad financial decisions. I had no idea how seeing it empty would hurt. I know my last time in the house is coming and it's ripping me apart.

I go to regular therapy to help process and I have a support system, but uh... Sometimes all that feels too close. And I get tired of having the same conversations following the same script, having the same words of encouragement drift over me like smoke. I guess I'm saying all this to say I don't feel like I need advice or comfort. I think I just need to write it all out. Maybe someone will relate, I dunno.

You see, my dad is dying. It's stage 4 prostate cancer apparently, metastasized to his bone marrow or something like that. That kind of news can send shockwaves through any family, not just the chance of impending loss but the certainty because his doctors say in no uncertain terms that means game-over for him. There's no "we can fight and we can win!" here, now it's just a question of when the cancer finally eats him alive.

It's complicated though, because dear old dad and I have never really gotten along. Well... maybe when I was 6, but that was a long long time ago now. My dad is a typical Boomer, the kind you see posts about here and there on Reddit, the kind people my age make memes of and shake our heads at. He doesn't know the meaning of the words "emotional vulnerability" or "empathy" and he raised me to bottle up anything resembling a feeling that wasn't white-hot rage because that's "just what men do". Oh, he's also an alcoholic, though not the physically abusive kind. Emotional abuse is more his speed. I don't think I need to go any further, I'm sure a huge chunk of those reading this just had flashbacks to their own fathers doing something quite similar. I wasn't some kind of victim though, there were moments I was just as bad to him as he was to me. I think I'd even argue some of my actions may have actively encouraged him to double down in his antagonism when I could have reached out and made things better.

Regardless, things are what they are. Over the last few years, I've gotten sober (yup, daddy dearest and I have that particular problem in common), started going regularly to therapy, and I've been making real attempts to reconnect with him. To understand him. To maybe see what it's like to have the kind of father I keep reading about. Maybe he would even tell me he was proud of me. And then came the diagnosis (at the end of last year when it was still stage 3) and I figured "fuck it, forget the dream. Let's just see if we can have a relationship before he's gone."

In the last year though, he's taken it upon himself to systematically alienate every single person in his life. He no longer has any contact with any of his old friends, his sister and brother and their kids get screamed at if they try to contact him, and my mom and me, well... He's disowned me, and his behavior is driving my mother to become an alcoholic herself just to try to cope.

And here's the kicker: he got a test result back in around March that said his prostate cancer had not progressed in a while. His doctor even said it was unusually good considering his circumstances. Something in his brain decided to interpret that as "well I guess I'm cancer free now" despite that test having nothing to do with the bone marrow cancer, and he stopped taking all his meds. Hormone therapy, chemotherapy, everything. He's left the cancer completely unchecked for the last 8 months and refused to take any more doctor's appointments, and now I'm sure the 2 years or so the doc gave him at the beginning of all this is now maybe a few months at the outside.

And that's what I'm struggling with. I've accepted I'll never have the dad I wish I had (thank you therapy), but the one I got is a hair's breadth from shuffling this mortal coil and he won't even see me. My friends all say the same thing, "Well think about how you'd feel after he was gone, would you blame yourself for not trying harder to connect wit him at the end?" Yeah... there's a question. Funny thing is, I'm not sure I'd feel anything. Certainly not guilty, I said my peace about what I thought about him refusing treatment (it's part of the reason I'm not allowed in his presence anymore). And as my therapist keeps reminding me, he has set a boundary, and whether I like it or not I need to respect it, especially if I've set a bunch of my own that I expect him to respect as well.

And then there's my kids. they know he's sick, but they don't know he's decided to pretend he never had cancer to begin with, to stick his head in a bottle and rage about "HE'S THE MAN, THE HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD, HE'S THE FUCKING KING, IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT GET THE FUCK GONE BEFORE HE GOES FOR HIS 9MM".

And I don't know what to tell them. I don't know what to tell my mom when she calls me, alternating between crying about feeling guilty about thinking about divorce because he's become so terrible to her and crying about how there's so little time before he's gone. I don't know what to tell myself when I wonder about the man who helped bring me into this world and what I'm supposed to remember about him, what I'm supposed to cherish or forgive or whatever the hell.

I don't know.

One of my best friends since freshman year of high school (now 26) just recently passed away from cancer. It was pretty sudden and I’m honestly still kind of shell shocked from all of it. (Not quite sure it’s a good thing). but I’ve been wanting to get his mother a memorial gift to honor him. But I don’t want to get her anything cliche or cheesy. I don’t have any of his hair or ashes etc or I would get her some jewelry made incorporating him because I think it’s just a beautiful idea. So I’m just kind of stumped. Any advice, recommendations, and or even advice on what not to do would be greatly appreciated. I miss my best friend so much it physically hurts, I can’t even begin to imagine how she feels. I know she’s not feeling very festive but i was hoping maybe it’d help her in some Way. Thanks y’all!

I’m so traumatized. My grandfather was the most health conscious, lively person I knew. He quit smoking 20 years ago, worked out every day, ate super healthy.

Two months ago he got Covid and never really recovered, and then they found he had a large mass in his chest which turned out to be late stage lung cancer. He wanted to fight but literally just yesterday they told him there’s not really any chance and the cancer has spread everywhere.

After he heard that news, it’s as if he totally gave up. Only a few days ago, I was sitting with him in the hospital feeding him soup and he was sitting up talking. He was hopeful. He was totally with it.

Today I went to see him and he was agonal breathing. His eyes were half open. I didn’t expect him to be so completely out of it.

It was harrowing. And he died just 5 minutes after I left the hospital.

I loved him so very very much. He always believed in me. He was such a driving force in my life. He cared so much about his family.

Im absolutely devastated. And so traumatized by how I saw him today. My gramma was even responding to his agonal breathing as if he was talking to her. It was so deeply disturbing.

I don’t know how I’ll sleep with this image in my head. I can’t believe he was fine two months ago. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to feel.

After my father died in 2016, my family struggled to let go of the many pieces his Christmas village encompassed.

"(...) In retrospect, my mom, sister and I weren’t ready; those houses were the most tangible thing we had left of him. They only looked like Barrister’s Chambers and the Coca-Cola Factory with a working soda fountain. They were really a thousand ceramic pieces of him. (...)

A few months later, my sister, Lola, and I tried again. Lola made a valiant attempt to catalog each house, company, collection and accessory by bringing them all down the dining room. It was a good attempt, but you could sooner count every star in the sky. The more we tried to wrangle them, the harder they were to get straight. It may have been the grief talking, but they seemed to be replicating.

It was then, seeing them all out in the dining room for the first time in years, we decided that we would scatter his houses as if they were his ashes. (...)"

Read the full personal essay: https://www.today.com/life/essay-life/christmas-village-obsession-rcna181391

Hi. I (24 F) moved from Pennsylvania to Washington state in October of 2023. I have not been back to visit PA since leaving. I’ve called and Skyler family a few times, but only on major holidays and birthdays and whatnot. I’ve always had a really big and close family, so they were really devastated when I left, but also all very supportive.

A few months after moving, my family called and informed me my grandpa was diagnosed with two different types of cancer. Bladder and prostate. They assured me it was caught early enough and he was going to be okay. About two weeks ago, they called and told me he is terminal. I was really surprised because he seemed to be doing really well and never talked about being sick or having treatment when we talked/skyped/texted, so I figured he was doing pretty well. But, the doctor said he only had about 3-6 months left. Fast forward to this past Sunday, he died.

Not only am I angry that he died so quickly, I feel guilty that I never made it back to Pennsylvania to see him one last time. I have a flight booked for the end of this month - I was going to spend the holidays with them - I knew there was a chance he might not have made it but I honestly didn’t expect him to pass so quickly.

My bf (M 30) said I did all I could and he died knowing I was coming for Christmas and New Year’s. He said I did all I could and feeling guilty or expressing that guilt just makes it harder for my mom and grandma and rest of the family who are also grieving, that it makes it about me. He knows and I know that’s not my intention, but I genuinely can’t shake the continuous feeling of guilt.

I lost my mom this year a sibling in 2023 in april found her deceased in her bed a brother in 2018 and another sister in 2020 from breast cancer. it's just me and my dad. I have cousins in various states and my dad's side is a total wash out because 2 of his sibling lied on my mom and never apologized for it one family member tried to contact me on facebook pretending to be a christian talking about we are family we shouldn't fight but my dad never as much as mentioned her so how do I know she didn't take my dad's sibling she said my grandmother was her aunt. I have my mom's side of the family that didn't do anything like lying on my mom . Then I found out by my dad that his mom had siblings and his own mom lied to him about how she borrowed money from one of the sister's to help him pay for college. I don't associate much with my dad's side because they are liars that don't hold themselves accountable for their actions that don't want to look up their african heritage my mom's side did look it up

Grieving someone who is still alive. Let me tell you about the time i was grieving someone who was in fact still on this earth. You may be thinking i was grieving her because of an addiction; Maybe even grieving her because she wasn’t around for me. When in reality that wasn’t the case at all. When i was only 15 my world took an unexpected turn. On halloween I remember going over to my house with my friends. My mom had been really sick for a couple of weeks not even being able to work. When we got there she apologized and said “i usually look better than this but im feeling pretty crappy right now i promise to look better next time”. i remember telling my mom She always looked great. I went out that night with my friends and got into a car accident. I had tried to call my mom first not even realizing how sick she really was.. she didn’t end up answering so i called my dad and he came. When i got home from the hospital i told my mom how sorry i was and how i can’t wait until she feels better. My world was quiet, she was always so happy and spunky. She never took anyone or anything for granted. I don’t remember why, but i remember i got into an argument with my mom over the car accident and how i was scared i was going to die. little did i know that was going to be the last in person conversation i had with her because the next morning she woke my dad up in a panic because she couldn’t breathe and was rushed to the ER. My mom was admitted to the hospital because her oxygen levels were low. They kept her there for what felt like an eternity. We had a facetime with her and she was so sick. I showed her, her dogs and told her i loved her. i texted her and said “i miss you are you okay?” she responded “no but i will be” i told her i missed and loved her and she texted me and i never responded.. that next day they had my dad come in because she was refusing care and was giving up. She was put into a medically induced coma. The next morning They flew her to a different hospital in Billings, Montana, and we weren’t aloud to see her, or talk to her. When she got there, there was nothing more they could do so they flew her to a hospital even further away in Portland Oregon. Ever since she had left my life was on repeat. Every day the same quiet mess it had been since the day she left. I searched for her everytime i walked through the door hoping it was all a dream. The house was torn apart and everyone had their own lives to keep up with. People came over all the time, almost every day without a doubt i heard, “how’s your mom doing” with no clue how to answer. My dad had drove to be with her in the hospital. I can’t imagine how lonely that was. We weren’t aloud to see her, we had to be 18 and only one at a time, because covid was so unknown. They told us my mom was getting better, and even though she had a heart beat and a breath i already felt that she was gone. To be honest i knew she was gone the day at the table before flying to any different hospital my dad had said the words “your mom is giving up, she doesn’t want the care” but one day the hospital had us facetime her. I was so glad to talk to her, but what i didn’t know was i really wouldn’t even be talking to her. Just talking for her to hear. Watching your mom fade away after having her your whole life is like having your heart ripped out, put back and ripped out again. When we had that facetime i knew she was gone. I could see in her eyes she was. i didn’t care how many people said she would be coming home or how many people said “stay positive” i knew. All i could think of in that moment was my dad. “why does my dad have to go through this alone” not very many days later my brother got the phone call from my dad that she had passed. When i heard the news i didn’t want to believe it because what more can we go through, as a family whose life has been torn away. The glue to our family, the light has been dimmed. On December 13th 2020 i lost the one person who understood me. The one person who fought for everyone and loved every person she crossed paths with. On december 13th i lost a piece of me, and my family lost a piece of them. So even though I was already grieving her, really losing her was the hardest part. I can’t imagine what my life would be like if i had never got to know her as my mother and my bestfriend. For now im thankful that even though she left me too soon. I got to experience the time and the memories I did with the one person who truly knew me. That is my experience with grieving someone, who was infact still alive. I DONT KNOW HOW GOOD IT IS I WROTE IT IN LIKE 10 MINUTES I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF ITS ANY GOOD

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My father works as a resort caretaker. He earns just enough to feed our his kids (3 kids) and take me to a university. I'm on my 3rd year in college studying Bachelor of Science in Information Systems. But just now, as I'm writing this letter, I got a news from home that he's missing. He have gone and saved a kid from drowning, in exchange for his life. No, it's still not confirmed because the local rescuer is still searching for him. or his body. I am not home at the moment for I am living in a rental bed spacer 2 hours from there. He's treated like a hero there but I can't avoid myself for being angry at him. I know he did what's right but at the cost of what? himself! Our whole family depends on him emotionally and financially. and what did he get from saving the child's life? nothing but a thanks. My father just indirectly destroyed his whole family's life for a shitty 'thanks'! Because of what happened, I'll drop out of college and find a work. To feed the family he left. I was so close to graduating. I was so close to pulling our family out of poverty. Why did this have to happen now of all times?! I did my part. I lived myself as an upright person. Did good things, studies hard for that yearly Dean's lister at my university. Worked so hard to help in my family's expenses during semester's break. Why do I need to be punished like this? I hate my father and if there is a god above. I hate you most

A couple of months ago, my younger brother died in an accident. I've never felt so defeated and hated myself more than at this point in my life. I'll (21) be referring to him as "Z" (19).

It feels like it happened yesterday. The pain is still there and never really feels like it gets easier. Everytime I bring up my brother, I can tell people just don't want me to continue, it's awkward or depressing. I really only bring up how funny he was, or what he liked to do or something reminded me of him. Even so I still get that silent "please just... Stop" response everytime. At Thanksgiving this year, my family didn't even mention him or set him a plate at least. He always sat next to me every year for Thanksgiving. I can't blame them really, but, at the same time I feel like everyone has already moved on. And I'm still stuck.

I never want to forget him, or other people to forget him. I feel like, I wasn't a very good sibling, that I could've done better for both my brothers (I have 2). I always thought about ways I could improve their lives. I stayed up every night waiting for Z to come from a friend's place and hear his car pull in the driveway. Z would be up till 3 am on discord talking to his friends keeping me up sometimes but I didn't care. I just put on white noise and tuned it out.

I can't say I'm super close with my brothers, but we don't hate each other or anything. We just never really hung out or talked a lot. But when I did talk to Z, we had a lot in common. And after he died, I found out we were more alike than I actually realized. The only difference was Z did whatever he wanted, and I'm scared of leaving the house. Z didn't care. He was so cool, a lot cooler than me.

One thing that we started doing was watching LOTR in theaters every year. I got to see all 3 movies with him this year in summer. It was awesome.

I don't know. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. My life has been completely flipped upside down. No one in my personal life really checks up on me anymore, I don't know. I never want to stop talking about my brother and how much of a great person he was but it doesn't seem like anyone really cares or wants to hear about him anymore. I do understand, it's probably annoying, but I can't ignore how much it mentally hurts me everyday. I just think I'm in a bad dream. And it's funny, because, I remember a couple of months ago before the accident, I had a dream that Z died. Nothing specific happened in my dream that I remember, I just remember the feeling that he died. But then I woke up and I heard his car pull in the driveway, so I knew it was just a dream. Well, now it's not, it really, truly isn't, a bad dream. It really happened. My brother is dead. And I don't know how to continue.

How do I even begin to get past this. Z was so young. Literally had a whole life ahead of him. He was healthy, smart, has so many people that love him, nice and funny. Z was everything that I wanted to be and I always admired him for that.

Now he's gone, Z is really gone. My entire life I've dealt with anxiety, breakdowns, just worrying about everything that could happen. Now the worst possible thing did happen. It happened. I'm living it right now. One of my brothers dying. How do I even begin to navigate myself through a life I was so deathly scared of becoming a reality?

Everyday, I say "it should've been me". I'm a NEET. No IRL friends, no job, no car, not good at anything. I don't understand why it had to be my brother. He was worth infinitely more and has done more good in the world than I ever have and I'm older than him! Why did it have to be him? I know there's no sense when these things happen but I don't understand. I remember about a week before the accident, Z was struggling with depression cause he didn't like his job very much, I remember, actually praying and asking whoever god is, to help both my brothers and to keep them safe. To guide them both on the right path, to keep them healthy.

Then Z died. I completely lost faith in anything spiritual or religious. I don't believe in an afterlife, as much as I would like to. I don't really know what to think at all, really. "Maybe me asking God to help my brothers was bad, and theyre punishing me for it. Punishing me for being inactive in my life. Wanting me to suffer." "Maybe listening to those stupid affirmation tapes made me manifest Z's death, who knows." Those are some things I think about, that I wonder about. I think it's easier for my mental health to write anything spiritual all off as bullshit and not for me but, I don't know. I blame myself. Maybe I did really cause that. I don't think I tried hard enough to help my brother when he was struggling. I had no idea how to talk to him about his depression. I remember calling mental health numbers and counselors to give me advice and resources Z could use to help. The reason it was so hard for me to approach him was because, the second I stepped in his room to talk to him about it, I burst into tears and just couldn't control myself. I just said I was worried about him and asked if he would be okay. I couldn't stand the thought of him struggling and me not knowing how to help. I wish I did talk to him, I hate myself for it. I really do. I wish I did.

I just feel completely alone. I don't really care about doing anything now I just, don't know. I wish it was me, I'd trade places with him any day. I would. I wish I was better, I wish I was a better sibling. I understand how pathetic I am, I know. The pain I feel everyday is so insurmountable. It feels wrong to continue to live life normally when Z isn't with us anymore. It just feels like my life is missing something now. I feel selfish then, I wish I did more with my brothers, both of them. I know I can now, but my other brother is pretty antisocial, I don't think he likes me very much but thats ok. I just don't know how to talk to him or get to know him. I will obviously make an effort, I just don't think I'm in the right headspace now. My brothers are the forefront of my life. I care about them so much. I don't think people in my life really understand that, I don't know, I just miss Z. I want to talk about him all the time. I don't want people to forget. I'm just lost and I hate everything.

This is getting into more rambling territory so I'll stop here. I wanted to get my thoughts out there. To feel less alone. I miss you Z.

I don't have a good relationship with my parents, and I keep thinking about them getting old and dying in the future. It's the only thing that makes me cry and I can't stop. Does the grief ever end? When does it get better, if it does?

My wife’s Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer(never smoked a day in her life) 50 days ago and she it already about to die. It’s been terrible and shocking. Me and my wife have been together for 20 years in May and we have a great relationship. I really feel terrible for my wife and my wife’s whole family. It’s definitely the hardest thing we have gone through. I’m trying to do everything I can to be supportive. It’s getting down to the end and I’m scared of the whole situation. I’m scared for my wife and family, it’s just such a horrible thing and my wife’s mom is a really sweet lady that I have come to love myself. They live out of town and it takes about 3-4 hours one way with a ferry included. Since we found out we have been spending every weekend with them. Usually I will drive and drop her off she will stay 2 nights alone and I’ll come up on the weekend for a night then drive us home. It’s been a lot of work but I’m happy to do it for my wife and she needs to be there. Now that things are looking so bad my wife wants to stay until she passes. I’m totally ok with that but I can’t help but feel guilty I’m not there with her all the time. Does that make me a terrible person for not wanting to be around for all of it? I’m still going tomorrow for a night but then I was going to come home Sunday and work Monday. Should I feel bad about this?