I just turned 30 and it’s hitting me just how awful my situation is. I’m in therapy and previously was diagnosed with depression/anxiety but recently started seeing a trauma therapist who says I have cptsd.

My dad died in college (I was 20) and six months later, my mom developed psychosis.

I failed a couple of classes that semester after previously being a straight A student. When my dad was sick, I transferred schools a bunch and between the failed classes and multiple colleges, my education looks wack.

Then, I never got a job because 1) I’ve been helping my mom extensively, basically functioning for her and making sure her business doesn’t collapse so that she didn’t lose the house and 2) I have totally utterly completely lost touch with who I am. I don’t know what I want anymore. I used to be driven and high achieving and now I literally can’t believe I’m in this situation.

Is it normal to not feel at all like yourself when you have cptsd? Will I ever be okay again?

Though I have free time, I don’t know what to do with it, I don’t have fun, I don’t have friends, despite previously being very social (before my parents got sick…).

I thought I wanted to go to graduate school, the people I knew in high school are off doing really cool things and I’m paralyzed.

My mom doesn’t have care insurance and I have no idea how to extricate myself. It feels like I’ve gone down with her.

Any help, please, I’m sorry

So yeah uhm. I just notice this feeling stuck in me. I want to pull it out of my body. It feels like a big black blob that sits in my core (this feeling of toxic shame sits in my butt and in my stomach. I feel ashamed to say this.), that’s poisoning me and I need to reach deep down and pull it out. I tried pulling the feeling into my body like described here (late in the video, maybe last 15 minutes). But I feel I can’t do this all the time, it’s annoying and it doesn’t work much.

I have held this feeling like twice now successfully, without getting overwhelmed by it. Just feel it in my bones and body till it gets better, and hold myself in a gentle way and cried. But this doesn’t always work and I feel frustrated by that. I want to know what I can do to effectively deal with these feelings.

I’m so sick of sabotaging myself and not paying attention to my feelings. I don’t want this anymore

A friend texted me weeks ago she “wants to talk about our friendship”, and that really triggered this feeling of “I’m bad and wrong” in me. Then I finally texted her back like a couple days back, and it brought on the feeling again full force (before that, I ignored her message and wanted to shove this feeling away)

Ever since then it’s here and I panic each time I sense it Surface.

How do you deal with this in healthier ways? For most of my life I dealt with it by running away from it. I’m so sick of sabotaging myself and running away though.

Edit: I’m in therapy, a trauma group, and it’s great and stuff but I dunno if I’d like to continue with them, I might need to look for another therapist

I consider myself to be further along in my healing journey. In a good place in many ways. Although there have been ups and downs over the last year, I am relatively happy in my life, and my life is fairly "full" of the good things.

Over the last month or so I've been feeling particularly good about myself. My partner and I are seeing more of our patterns and working through things.

Anyways, this is all to say, I've had a really lovely week. Feeling super grateful, healthy, and fulfilled.

I decided to treat myself to something small, and on my way there I suddenly had a doubtful thought- the kind that used to rule my life- and as soon as I had the whisper, I felt this flaire of deep fear in my body. It was a physical response, and it made me realize how powerful these internalized thoughts have been over my entire life- and it made me reflect on the ways that these thoughts used to feel second nature. It's almost odd that these thoughts have the power to control our entire body experience, and feel almost like nothing.

Luckily the good vibes I've been having were able to outweigh the negative self talk- but wow, if nothing had shown me the power of self love recently, it was this moment.

Hi. Seeking advice for a morning routine that has helped any of you be grounded for the day ahead?

Long story short, I’ve been able to identify patterns like meditation, tapping, stretching and making a to do list in the morning, and eventually a workout- these practices help me float through the day

However: the biggest problem seems to be getting myself to do absolutely anything. I can’t seem to do anything unless there’s a looming deadline, in which case I start getting things done bewutifullly right before the deadline. Like working out an hour before going to work rather than early in the morning when I wake up. Putting off meditation and ending up not doing it. Replaciing all the time I have with doomscrolling. Or reading story books. And don’t get me started about work. I haven’t been productive in a month.

I’m not sure if it’s a freeze reaction? I’m on anxiety meds and still I can’t get myself to do anything . Bupropion is helping calm the anxiety, yet I’m doing nothing.

I’ll definitely up my medication, and I’m working with my therapist doing IFS . Apart from these has anyone been able to discover any sort of pattern that has helped them to get started and moving with their day?

Thanks in advance!

Now that I am no longer scared to talk to myself without judgement I realised I have never really established what traits I find attractive in someone I'd like to be in a relationship with.

For context: I am a 25f

Mind you, when I was dating in the past and had my crushes, it never crossed my mind whether I liked them. I was just looking to find someone who would find me fascinating, gave me attention and finally loved me/made me feel worthy.

I had never wondered before: what kind of a guy do I like?

Feel free to share if you've made it through to the other side at this point of healing. I am curious to know what you found out to be true about your preferences. 🤗

A space to share your struggles, worries, concerns, big and small wins. Discuss your recovery goals and progress. Or even just to drop in to say, 'Hi' and talk about what you've been upto recently.

If you have any suggestions for this thread, share them here.

From a suggestion of another cptsd member I paste here a post I’ve shared there:

Hi, I am really tired. I don’t know how to solve my emotional need in relationships, I don’t know how to move forward. I feel I’m losing my hope. That makes the self care require even more brute force than it usually does. That makes the noise of the cars much more noisy and painful. It feels I am watching the fuse for the next impulsive and regrettable action shrinking again and again.
I would like to talk to someone of you that has solved this issue and feels like supporting or asking some questions.

People often talk about fear and sadness, but disgust seems to be overlooked. For me, disgust is one of the central, most prominent emotions. I very easily “get the ick” in relationships, and it seems to trigger avoidance. I also feel slightly grossed out by emotional intimacy and displays of affection. And nowadays, I don’t feel hurt by my parents; what I feel is intense disgust.

I’d love to hear about your experiences with this emotion.

My CPTSD symptoms started about a year ago - essentially intense depression and anxiety, including panic attacks. I work at a school, which is a stress in itself, and have young children - between this there is very little time for me. I have been in EMDR therapy for all of this year and feel like I am making progress in understanding what happened to me and why this is all happening, on the other hand my symptoms are not improving, and may actually be getting worse. I am starting to think I should take a year off to focus fully on healing. Not going to be a great financial move but perhaps better in the long run. Have others been in a similar situation? Any advice? Thank you 🙏

Had a realization and spike of anger today. I was at work, and in the station next to me was a woman speaking loudly and in a very animated manner. I wear noise-cancelling earbuds to block out most sounds, but her voice carried through the earbuds and triggered me. I've always reacted similarly to female voices, especially if they convey emotion.

The realization was that my therapist is not helping me get over these triggers. Long story short, he's helped me on a surface level for the last couple years. But I need more. I can no longer just slap a band-aid on and push through. His modalities are DBT and CBT, and for a couple years it's been useful. His methods seem to discourage any sort of subconscious processing or deeper introspection, and I suspect I need to explore my issues more deeply that I've been encouraged to do.

I was pissed. Like really mad to the point that I immediately packed up and left early. I'm full of anger at him and at myself. For months now I've brought up intrusive thoughts and dream scenarios that have morphed recently to no avail. I feel like I'm getting insights from myself that his therapeutic interventions can't take into consideration, and I'm pretty angry over feeling I've been led astray. It's like the things I've wanted to work on (tolerating discomfort, understanding my emotions, coming to peace with my past) aren't valid and I should just push past and do what I SHOULD be doing.

I recently started reading "No Bad Parts". I've had some success with the couple exercises I've done so far, enough to make me reach out to a couple therapists that use IFS in their practices. I'm working really hard to just give up and do it myself. I want to be able to trust. I feel it's important to my recovery.

Sorry for the rant. I needed to get it out. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

I’ve always had a hard time imagining myself having children, and I’m sure it has to do with my cptsd. So I’m curious if anyone’s changed their mind on the subject as they’ve made progress on their healing journey? (Not saying either stance is “better” than the other of course).

I've wondered for a long time how to access certain parts that were never allowed to exist? If every way you existed, as a 1. young baby part 2. toddler part 3. young child 5-8 year old you.....never really felt secure, or shame free, ....., then why on Gods green earth would you ever have access to a part that only knows terror, shock, or pain when being seen? What information would you gather from a terrified part, too traumatized to speak or feel into itself, too scared to move? Sometimes too terrified to breathe?

I've had sessions where I was asked, "and so what does baby you think?" and I thought, "my baby part can't think or feel, but is still in a state of shock, it's not communicating anything?" It's not uncommon that I'm literally having trouble speaking, communicating my thoughts, ideas, and needs, because I'm always trying to sidestep these unproductive, confused, overwhelmed, valueless....parts. I'm trying to function from a place of no need...sidestep the shame of existing, and so I stumble, apologize profusely, forget if something is important to me, all because there are major parts of my personality that have never actually been allowed to live and breath and exist-shame free. I revert to logic, and being rational as my only refuge, which may work half the time, because it's half of my existence, half my brain, I'm guessing?.

This mysterious hidden aspect of myself that I keep running over because I'm afraid if I acknowledge all the pain, I'll become completely catatonic , hysterical, homicidal, and then won't be able to dress myself or talk.....which strangely enough is becoming increasingly difficult while these parts start to surface with all their needs.

I've had to reach out a lot lately because of a project I cant manage by myself. It's killing me to have to ask for this much help without actually screaming from the terror of being that close to humans and being seen. AND , it has a lot of moving parts, which means having to ask more than one person for help. These parts need constant reassurance and validation, but they're not getting it. All they get from me is, "stop being annoying and getting in the way of the project". Apparently I'm attempting to "care" for myself, my life, be rational and productive, while incorporating as much emotional neglect , emotional shaming as possible. The end goal (apparently) is to only allow the most basic ,functional resolution of problems, making sure that none of it is nurturing. It's a crushing experience to realize that the end goal of your upbringing, ............was always not to be allowed to exist.....with all your parts, just parts that were shame free; so rational, easy, convenient and compliant.

I tell myself I need to engage in a very rational, task oriented manner. When a terrified part starts to creep in, I shift into a freeze state, or shutting down. It's massively difficult to engage with terrified parts, maneuver around that, and function as an adult. And now, because I can't access these traumatized parts, or my silly feelings, that just want to scream out in pain for all that they've been through, all the neglect .....guess which "parts" are in control of running my life? That's right, the "functional" albeit shaming, parent introjects, or inner critiques that tell me my needs are stupid. And that's my life; being run by more "competent", albeit emotionally abusive and emotionally negligent , shaming ......."parts",.......because they're the only ones that can talk, negotiate complicated tasks without feeling, without "getting in the way". But in reality, they suck as nurturers. My life is being run by abusive assholes, the same abusive assholes I was trying to get away from who would rather see me die from neglect than care for me in a kind attentive, reassuring way. They didnt care if I died.

As much as I talk about my feelings, acknowledge how important they are, at the end of the day its' just lip service. I don't really value my true feelings-what a shocker. I process them, but then suppress them, when "more important" things are at play.

Negotiating that much fear and trepidation when in an adult level conversation that involves complicated complex tasks.....feels impossible. IMPOSSIBLE. If I'm not going to look like someone completely unstable, I have to suppress a lot. But burying my pain in order to be functional and productive isnt' really working either? In fact it's fucking things up. I end up freezing a lot, and I have too much work going on to freeze. I suspect it's because it's a part that I don't recognize ....is demanding to be heard, it doesn't want to stay closed up in a coffin. Then , when I try to suppress it,......these parts rebel, refuse to serve me....my brain shuts down....because "No, I'm not doing another performative thing until you start listening to me. " And i never do. I just put up with their useless dysfunction, until I can manage a way to shame them into being more performative and getting their shit together......, stop being traumatized, you're screwing things up!.

I continue to exile these parts, I end up more dysfunctional......even though I've told myself this "part", is useless , too much, and valueless. I only realize it's valuable, needs attention, when I try to ignore it, end up hurting myself, which then throws me into a freeze state because I dont understand how I'm managing to find all these ways to hurt myself, or how these so called useless , valueless parts, feelings, have so much control and power over my life? why can't I just continue to Shame them, so they'll stop screwing up my life-but it's not them screwing up my life, its these other parts that are trying to kill them off? Then I feel sad and defeated. There I am , shocked and frozen with the realization how it's all connected to my upbringing. . Just this long massive flashback into all the abuse and neglect, just by trying to take care of myself-but actually continuing to neglect and abuse myself with more shame for existing. . None of it makes sense.

I feel like I'm running over my soul with someone else's needs and wants, certainly not mine. There's a constant shame loop playing at all times. It seems to "care" want to serve me, but it doesnt. It's a gigantic Liar, this "caring", rational part, pretending to serve me, while wiping out my existence by shaming me. Even if I were to talk to these parts, I'm not sure they would know what they want....while these dictator parts are in control, standing over them, daring them to speak?

Just asking for help forces me to confront a parent introject that is ready to assault and shame me for asking for anything beyond "please don't kill me". This evil parent introject is constantly monitoring how much I ask for, ready to pounce if its too much. I'm constantly apologizing, when a part that I thought I exiled out of existence shows up, and starts communicating a need that I didn't approve of. With every fiber of my being I believe allowing vulnerable parts to surface will bring with it suffering , pain, and punishment......humiliation.

I feel like I walk away from these exchanges with helpers, humans, people, like "whew, that was close, my needs might have been too much, and then I would have been annihilated, thank god I didn't let that show". But then I sucked at taking care of myself, acknowledging a "silly too young need", and who do I get mad at when people can't read my needs? Why I hate it when someone says "take care". That's great for someone brought up to believe self care is a good thing, and not this way that you were evil and selfish for acknowledging needs, so "take care" la dee da, is not the same for people having to neglect themselves all their lives just to stay safe.

I sit on the edge of my bed, thinking about how often I had to bury every need, wasnt allowed to live....as myself. Then realizing why it's so hard to "care" for myself. I was forced to Morph myself into something subservient and unnatural, an entity without needs. Someone easy and accessible, , compliant. It didnt matter that shaming me repeatedly would manifest as soul erasure..... then told it was for your own good, to make you better. Better than who you actually are because that's obviously bad.

I feel like the shame of being seen., and asking for help every day..... is literally killing me.

I attached a link to a post written by a therapist, but it felt so close to so many sessions I've had, where I was expected to know what a part, wanted, needed, felt, when it was a struggle to just show up in a non dissociative state.

https://www.reddit.com/r/therapists/comments/13f4b0e/im_a_level_3_trained_therapist_and_im_having/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Edit: sorry for those of you who had to re-read this revised post-twice. I was compelled to rewrite it, because it was burning in my soul to write it in a way that genuinely reflected something i've been experiencing for months and I've miraculously had some clarity around it, but who knows how long that will last, before I revert back to 'what the F, is going on!?"

Hi!
Yesterday, I had a long talk with my sister about (frustrating, never-changing) family dynamics. During our conversation, she pointed out something : I really struggle to understand how other people think, especially when their actions don’t make sense to me. And honestly, she's right.

When people act in ways I can’t understand, I often feel completely puzzled. If someone behaves in a way that I personally wouldn’t, it’s hard for me to believe they genuinely think it's the best choice. Instead, I often assume they must know it’s a poor decision and have simply chosen not to consider equality, or that they’re ignoring how their actions might hurt others, or whatever the issue might be.

This difficulty in understanding people's motivations is one reason I can get really angry. When I see men acting in sexist ways or hear my parents making racist remarks, my immediate reaction is, "they know this is wrong, they do it anyway = bad person by choice". I know that other people have more nuance in these situations... and I just don't.

I work in an environmental NGO and it is actually really handy for me, not be impressed by industry-people who tell you stupid reasons to fuck up the planet for their profits. But it is beyond me how they can sleep at night.

This struggle doesn’t really extend to my closest loved ones, like my husband, best friend, or sister. With them, we communicate a lot about our reasoning, so I have a sort of internal “guide” to understand their behavior. (Plus, we share similar values, which definitely helps.)

I am diganosed with ADHD, but it seems more common in autism? and also PTSD?
I would love to know if other people can relate and if you have any tips.

Writing all this down, I do feel a bit broken.

TL;DR: I think I can’t mentalize. Does anyone else experience this? Have you learned how to do it? If so, how?

I've had no to moderate contact with my parents for a decade. I have been trying to be open with my mom lately. I noticed I feel overwhelmed and disempowered while talking with her and afterwards.

Ater my conversation with her today, angry towards myself and this sense of being betrayed. I processed my emotions best I could and decided I had abandoned myself by automatically trying to be what I think she will approve of, trying to give speeches to impress her, And on the verge of arguing when she misunderstands me. She was defensive and not trying to understand my perspective but rather to persuade why her perspective is right.

I had to realize that her and I were both trying to feel heard because we are both isolated and disconnected from an authentic community , part of this is because we both struggle with shame and fear and letting ourselves be seen so that we can be valued for who we authentically are.

And I decided that going forward I need to be more in tune with my own emotions in the moment while in conversations, and if it doesn't feel good, literally just change the subject or whatever, basically just saying things that allow me to feel more at peace and relax, instead of feeling like I need to prove my worth.

Somethings she will just have to see the proof of in time, and that is a better context in which to try to explain to her my ideas, when I have an actual example in my life that draws her attention.

Right now she doesn't respect me because she doesn't realize that I am capable of things she's not capable of and that she will benefit in her life from learning. But I have to have proven results first in a form that is accessible to her.

Can you relate? And have insights in a similar vein?

I want to find some advice or other people's experience with this. I like people overall, but I am not comfortable at making the first move to communicate. At all. Whenever someone talks to me I tend to just listen and nod along. When it's my time to speak I have a hard time finding words and opening up in a way that feels "authentic" to me. It is disturbing to feel like every interaction I have with other people is just a mask that adapts to each person I speak with. On top of that, I will often punish myself (inner critic) for this behavior.

I have done alot of healing otherwise. I go to therapy. I have a steady job and a nice girl who genuinely wants to be with me instead of being a narcissit or avoidant type. But I am missing friendships and connections.

Hard to know how to make them at this point when I had parents that really didn't say much to me. My Dad admitted he has the same problem as me by having in his words "nothing to say".

I think it's an issue with not knowing myself fully, but also trusting myself to know who that is when I find them. I also think there's a level of shame that keeps me from showing up fully, protecting me incase I get rejected.

Curious to know if anyone can relate or has some really solid advice to help me get over this hurdle. I feel my progress slipping backwards. I have understanding of what happened to me, but feel "uncureable" if I can't figure out how to make genuine connections.

So glad this group exists. Thank you

sometimes i get so dissociated that my body just kind of "shuts down" for a bit. i can usually tell right as it starts to come on, which is good because if i'm holding something fragile i can force myeself to put it down first, otherwise my grip will loosen and i'll drop it. once it's in full force, though, i can barely move my fingertips or sometimes even my eyes, much less anything else. i just have to wait for it to pass.

even though my body's frozen and i'm dissociated, i can usually still think just fine. usually my thoughts go like, "i should really get up and move, or at the very least wiggle my fingers. i have shit to do, i don't want to waste time sitting here." but then i still can't move. lol. it's like being paralyzed without feeling paralyzed.

it doesn't happen very often for me (maybe once or twice a month) and it only lasts for a few minutes, but it's such a weird feeling when it does. i'm just glad it's not really debilitating for me. since it's not something that affects me every day, i'm able to look at it with curiousity more than anything else. just curious about other people's experiences with this.

side note: i hear people talk about "collapse" sometimes, but i don't really know anything about it. is what i'm describing related at all? because it sure feels like a collapse lol.

I have lived reclusively not having a job but doing short internships to figure out my next years at the job market.

Always looked for part time work suitable for my problems and I have been more reckless lately because I want to earn money for a holiday trip. But the cashier job I decided on is brutal. Brutal mentally and physically if I have a pain flare. And the amount I nervously sweat is extreme. This is a few steps back from achieving my holiday dreams that have a deadline with the visa allowance for the project I had in mind.

It is so difficult to stay calm and laid back if coworkers shout at me and everything at the place is new with too many exceptions to keep in mind and more customers than usual so that there is no place to really stand, the place is tiny, and to do other than stopping and being at the cash register. Not my job at all, I have no idea how other people make it through that.

Just felt the need to share it to the void.

When you get triggered, do you fight, flight, freeze, or fawn?

This is something I'm starting to work on in therapy, and I'm curious how others respond. As for myself, I tend to freeze, but if the other person keeps pushing the issue, that's when I fight. On some occasions, I'll just fight, depending on the issue. And when I say fight, it's full on out of control rage.

Ive noticed that cptsd recovery stories seem to fluctuate, and some people say they recovered in a matter of few years whereas other could spend decades in therapy without progress.

Two things ive gathered from this: 1 - On reddit we dont seem to define the depth of someones cptsd/development. Theres those who had a formed sense of self underneath, and theres those who are practically dissociating since the start and in the personality disorders realm. It would be nice if more awareness was raised here in my opinion.

2 - We have a lot of anecdotal stories here. And not many therapy/trauma personel that can lead holistic approaches. How do you feel about taking all of the reddit knowledgebase of healing stories into some kind of app that would put stats like: breakdown of issues, and breakdown of treatment. Like % got success from x modality etc.

For example theres still talks about emdr being useful more for situational big T trauma, and not for actual developmental trauma. Then some say, it builds a sense of self and cuts through dissociation. Which is it? We dont have resources to spare to combat this.

Im thinking a site like drugs.com where sure, you need to experiment yourself, but at least you can make a more informed decision thanks to stats.

What do you think?

so i'm in a weird place in terms of recovery/working on it where i know what's going on. lots of back to back relationship specific trauma on top of chronic neglect as a young child. i'm trying really hard to make this post not long as hell with needless dumping. tw for someone using suicide as a manipulation tactic

idon't remember 95% of my childhood but it's obviously a problem and is affecting my ability to make good relationships and has messed with it in the past. 2021 i abruptly lost my friend group of over 12 years after setting boundaries around a new addition to the group- this is when i realized i have been everyone's emotional support animal in every relationship i've had including with my parents. 2022 i go into an intensive outpatient program for severe depression and the "peak" of mental illness basically. IOP has a girl who immediately attached to me and demanded all of my time and obsessively talked about how often she's been told she's "too much" immediately followed by "if one more person tells me i am making them uncomfortable i'm going to kill myself. do you think i'm too much why do people say that to me?"

it went on for i think 2 weeks and i lost ALL progress i had made. i eventually ended up reporting her because i was terrified she would kill herself and i was more suicidal after going through the program than i was before. net negative experience

from 2016 to like March 2024 i have had a small group of friends who are online, we are not physically close enough to meet without spending thousands of dollars and weeks of time off and hours to days of traveling. they've been extremely supportive and chill with me needing more time not interacting with anyone throughout the initial IRL friend breakup in 2021 and the IOP incident in 2022

I put the timeline of my online friendships because in March of this year I did an official time out and i just have not interacted with any of my friends since then. i turned off all notifications. i don't lurk their social media. i disappeared completely and am not in touch at all. a few have my actual phone number for an emergency but i asked for and desperately need isolation and they've respected it. i've posted on social media that i'm still alive twice within the last 3 months, but i copy paste and post and then leave before i can accidentally see any updates or responses from anyone. just thinking about seeing someone say anything (even positive or neutral responses) is sensory overload levels of dread- the full body rejection of every single thing until i finish having the meltdown and am too exhausted to feel anything

i am fucking sick to death over letting anyone into my life ever again. every single interaction or even thought of an interaction feels like a VICIOUS attack on my free time even though i do absolutely nothing all day and am bored and lonely and depressed. i care about these people very much and have been respected and supported by them and it makes me so so so angry that one 19 year old could destroy my ability to have ANY relationships at all

how am i supposed to work on my ability to have a relationship and see how I need to be treated to feel loved when i can't even tolerate kindness? strangers will smile and thank me for holding the door for them and i feel exactly like I did when this girl was demanding a 4 hour phone call and ALL of my attention at every second of the day. i already had this with my mom and my parents 3 dogs but this girl really sent me over the edge and i haven't recovered

it has been 7 months of only talking to my parents (who i have to keep in contact with because i am too disabled to work) and my therapist (who i trust very much and we are working on this but we are both stumped as to how to actually even try to make progress) how am i supposed to try enjoying people again when im violently triggered and disgusted by kindness? i can't handle people wanting my time even if i love them and we are doing something i would enjoy doing with them and have enjoyed doing with them in the past

am i supposed to just wait until i feel like i can do it????? every single time i think i am ready to reintegrate anything i have been wrong, or i can do it once and then need 7 or 8 months to recover. it feels deeply unfair to just drop people who were invested in me and have been kind and supportive but i am repulsed by any and all forms of relationship while being so lonely and sad it is severely physically painful. i just don't know what to do

please no recommendations for medications, i have exhausted all options and cannot take SSRIs

How do you break out of a freeze pattern where you know kind of objectively to just reach out but everything in you feels like you shouldn't and you start rationalizing why it's better to let something/someone go and it sort of leads to repressing your initial interest in connecting further as a way to convince yourself that's the right thing to do?

I realized I'm comfortable in platonic and professional situations, but when there's ambiguity especially if the possibility of romantic interests existed too I would be stuck in this freeze pattern:

Part of the safety comes from relationship traumas, and also being a parentified child I had/hace a tendency to counsel and help everyone else as a way to feel like I'm okay/earning my ability to have a friendship or even show up to things I want to do.

Where I feel very strongly grateful for the safety and attention they offer (sometimes it's like a trauma bond except with a brand new person who treated me kindly in ways that made me realize what was bad in my past experiences and this moment reframed or reconditioned how I felt and look at life – so there's a disproportionate gratitude and sense of intimacy that I'm in while they might be just casually kind of genuinely romantically interested but not necessarily overtly doing more than saying they'd like me to stay in touch by giving me their number.

At the same time I'm somewhat triggered by decompressing from the past experiences I'm processing that they've elicited.

And also feel ashamed that I'm not sure how to communicate a disclaimer about all the things I'm still working on or have went through with my mental health and coping patterns.

And also while trying to follow up I'm so intimidated by texting (I've had close past relationships blow up and break apart from not texting correctly and also grew up in a time when the whole family phine plan I was on would be penalized with texting fees charged per message) but also calling doesn't quite seem merited yet either as I'm often feeling anxious during normal hours until after like after 8 or 9pm when it's not so appropriate for acquaintances of the opposite sex to reach out.

And I have a tendency to want to write letters to explain carefully so that I don't misrepresent or skip certain formalities – but deeper down I'm realizing it's because it gives me some control over how to communicate without having to worry about texting like a normal chat.

I wasn't sure where to post this but this has been bothering me for awhile. I have been in therapy as an adult for some time. I've realized I've been sad about opportunities I missed out on as a kid and I miss some of the things I used to do as a kid.

My solution was to give myself permission to play and do the activities I missed out on in a playful way. This has worked wonders. I feel happier when I play and it's opened up things creatively for me that I never saw coming. And I am getting to experience the things I missed out on. This summer I caught my first fish ever.

Despite all this, it can be very lonely. No one my age (30s) just plays. People don't want to just run around or make things with me. Most people would just do those things only if they had a kid. Even for the holidays, I've gotten back into celebrating in small ways (decorating a pumpkin, getting a tree, making ornaments etc) and they act amazed that an adult my age without kids still celebrates. When my husband told some of his friends we just make our favorite dishes and celebrate Thanksgiving just the two of us, they told him that sounds like the saddest thing ever.

I see all the celebrations that are marketed towards adults and it's just all about expensive stuff and drinking. That's just never been my thing. I remember as a kid, I enjoyed play and doing things but once fifth grade started, it was all about clothes, makeup, and boys and a lot of people in class treated me like there was something wrong with me.

I dont know where this is going but long story short, I work a lot to try and pay stuff off. I'm trying to deal with the clutter of stuff built up over the years so it's not like I am buying lots of toys every week. It just kinda sucks I've made these discoveries but have no one to really share them with. Why can't adults just play? Do any of you guys here play or do inner child activities?

I have been struggling with insomnia for numerous years in various ways (sleep maintenance insomnia, waking up multiple times a night, etc.), but one thing I’m currently trying to work on is actually just getting myself to bed at a decent hour. I have a lot of trouble with this, and despite my best intentions and efforts, I just can’t do it. No matter what time I start to get ready for bed, whether 10:30 pm or an hour later, I usually end up in bed later than I’d like. In fact, I find that the earlier I start going to bed, I start doing things to put off going to sleep (ex. phone scrolling).

I am aware of bedtime procrastination and don’t think this applies to me because I actually have a lot of time to myself (partly due to not having enough energy from lack of sleep to actually do anything). Though, I will note the process of getting myself to bed feels easier if I’ve been more productive (even if it doesn’t actually lead to going to bed earlier). I think a lot of it is actually due to lack of discipline and will power from being so tired from the past few years. Contrary to most people, the more tired or exhausted I am, the harder it is for me to get myself to bed because it takes more will power and energy than I actually have to do this, and I find being tired is a self-perpetuating cycle. I’m looking for suggestions, tips or your own experience with this other than work on your sleep hygiene, create a nice bedtime routine, etc. because, like many others here, I’m already aware of this, and this probably goes beyond basic habits like this.

With time and self-work, I have gone from feeling like I need a whole year of sleep to recover to needing 2-3 months of sleep to recover, and from random 3 or 5 am bedtimes to 1 am, but I am still regularly exhausted and struggle with some basic human functions. I am looking for a more regulated sleep routine overall, so I can be a (more) ‘normal’ person and be more productive in life.

Im in a processing phase, which means intense sleep amd often nightmares. Which I wake up fully aware of, so I wake up low key triggered.

I got good skills to handle the somatic and emotional issues. My problem is reconnecting to the here and now as I often wake up stuck in the "dream reality" more than this one. The best solution I found was reading something short, either uplifting or engaging. Because that perks up the "thinking/left side brain" to balance out the nightmare activated thinking brain.

The problem is Im out of stuff to read. The online spaces I used to go to have become infested by bots, or overrun with nihilism and blaming. Which is like walking back into the nightmare. I have a few comics are long enough format they arent available daily. On went on haitus tjis week and Im just broken now....

Any ideas for good, not crapsack, reading I can grab first thing in the morning?

For the longest time, I did not relate to the ‘inner child’ talk. In fact, a lot of my loudest symptoms have gone away over the years after that initial series of eevnts triggered a crash for me, so I figured I might have just not been traumatized in that way.

Nah. Because I was troubleshooting a problem with my productivity, and the hansel and grettel path of inner turmoil led me her at last. My inner child has not been integrated with me—she has been parenting me. I have been suppressing my emotions like she used to do, and she has been caretaking me like she would try to with my parents.

And she’s so unfathomably full of love, I struggle to explain it. For me, my inner child is just the parts of me that were waiting for someone to come back for her, to rescue her; Waiting for life to calm down or for my parents to develop the emotional maturity to be there for me, or waiting for another adult in my life to notice me and come fill me up until I’d been given the chance to develop as a person.

And inner child work for me is like running simulations of both parts of me at once, child me and adult me. And child me is reminding me how…happy I was. How lacking in resentment or deep pain. Just full of love and joy— sensitive, yes, with a lot of needs and a childlike capacity for tantrums and a lack of self awareness and communication skills, yes, but so full of love, so easy to please and rewarding to please.

Like, was I really like this as a child? Was i so cute? It seems really stupid to neglect and hate a small, empathetic, cheerful child like that. Why on earth did my parents want to make me cry and be timid and repress my emotions so much? Like you have to really be mentally ill to see the pain in your loving baby’s demeanor and not self reflect? Which to be fair is not new information to me, but some weird part of me is still going “No, you see, raising children is hard, so its reasonable to resent them and act psychotically.”

Anyways, if anyone else hasn’t found their inner child, maybe my journey will help a little bit. I thought it would feel weird like age regression, but it’s more like giving a presence to a part of me that was running in the background, so that I can process and integrate, and that presence is child-me because that’s where it originates from and where there are the most puzzle pieces it can intuitively click into to be able to be resolved and integrated.

I’m trying to now regulate my emotions as an adult so my inner child can chill out. It feels like the difference between actively ‘generating’ new emotions versus ‘sucking’ them from a reservoir already within me, very strange. But I’m going to hold that boundary with myself because covert acts of exploitation without intent are still abuse.

My understanding is that a sizeable part of recovery is learning to stay with and hold the difficult emotional and somatic experiences we traumatized folk had to dissociate from since we didn't have the tools/capacity to do so when we were experiencing the trauma.

I realized the other day at work that when I'm working the retail counter shift (the one where I directly deal with customers all day), I'm very much...not present. Another part of me takes over, the one that can pretend best to be a Person, and I rely so heavily on that part that I suspect I'm dissociating most of the shift. The time flies by, which is nice, and I'm functional at my job, which seems to be a good thing, but it was jarring to step away from the counter for a break at one point and realize, WOW, I am SO "not here".

Is that...holding me back? It's honestly kind of nice to have in my back pocket, but I'm wary about it. I only work that shift 2-3 times a week, so it's not every day, but I do wonder if I'm ultimately stalling my recovery by rehearsing/allowing/relying on this part to function in that role. Behaviorally, the neural pathways for what we rehearse become stronger. But dissociation isn't inherent bad, right? What constitutes an over-reliance to be wary of?

Thank you for any insights you have!

• I have infancy trauma, and its bloody hard to shift my freeze state / mind focused state.

I am slightly coming out of it and as part of that i have learnt / read / realised some things that are ALSO from early trauma.

Sharing to see how others relate.

Heart rate - when i was a teen my heart rate was very low. Around 32 beats per minute. I assumed it was because i was quite physically active then. But i have now learnt that freeze or shutdown can create lower blood pressure..

I recall at 13 collapsing at home - no memory before or after, wondering if the above is related

Rythym / coordination - i have always been badly coordinated and lack rythym. I read how lack of early soothing etc, can create an inability to be coordinated and it also might reflect my general lack of mindbody connection

These are quite random but curious what others think?

I ask, as i keep seeing so many ways i may have been impacted that i didnt know

Cptsdfreeze . The inability to be able to do anything?

Basically the subject line.

I am very slowly coming out of emotional numbness. But i also can taste food, which i didnt realise i wasnt, i can feel physical pain thats been there i think my whole life.

And i am realising how tight / narrow my range of feelings has been and how disconnected i have been

Hence the ask

Seeking others lived experiences pls.

I’ve been in a dpdr/ dissociation state for 15 months. As of this last month, i’ve been experiencing unbearable anxiety, so much anxiety i get this feeling of floating- that i like can’t feel my legs, arms move ect but i can see it. I was talking the other day and couldn’t feel my mouth as i talked and it made me spiral so bad. I’ve been so terrified. This is the worst feeling i’ve ever felt. it’s so hard to put into words. can this extreme anxiety be any sign at all that im coming out of dissociation at all? Out of anxiousness i googled saw that the polyvagal theory isn’t backed by science so that really scared me.