-- I am coming out of freeze, very slowly

and with that, one of the big revelations, has been how badly i am coping, i can do some bare minimum (my job, and make some food), which i think is purely out of fear, but beyond that, i cant say take on a hobby as i am just stuck a lot, sitting zoned out, or consumed by my addiction

i faked being an adult in my teens and twenties, i faked it very hard, and it was easier to do so, as other people were also figuring stuff out, but they did that, and developed an identify, and moved on, i dont feel i have had that as my symptoms got worse

i have lost the point of this post, but sharing the thread to see what clicks with others

thanks

Hey, I'm wondering what's it like for you to commit to a job with your cptsd? Do you wonder if your job causes or exacerbates your symptoms?

I get much worsened physical pain, emotional pain, anxiety, etc when I try to have a job. But when I don't have a job I tend to be isolated, stuck in analysis paralysis, feel unmotivated to take more risks in caring for myself like going to the gym, and I become so anxious about finances and my future.

I can't seem to find a middle ground. Ive tried to do online college, online certificates, and I learned these things "aren't for me". I haven't been able to find a job yet that is "in my wheelhouse" and speaks to my strengths and limitations. I end up going into jobs I find from Indeed or other search enginges all gungho and super positive and optimistic, then end up burning out within a week or 2 and the physical and emotional pain is so great I can't continue.

I have struggled with stable employment my whole life. I kind of foresee that will be true until I can successfully operate a business. But along this path to having a profitable business I need money in the meantime, so I find myself once again interviewing for jobs.

I read a post last night about a man who makes CPTSD videos that are more aligned with healing than understanding the dynamics (ala Dr. Ramani). I didn't save it and it's not in my history. Does anyone know who I might be talking about?

I wondered if anyone has some advice about how to improve the ability to accept positive things people share about yourself?

I really struggle in this area. At best, my brain might accept that's how that person feels, but counters it with "They just don't know me that well". I generally default to thinking I'm a pos. I feel that this issue is getting in the way professionally as well as personally. Thank you.

hey there my fellow cptsd survivers,

since music has always had a big influence on my energy and mood, it became a thing i turn to daily in order to experience or achieve something.

the artist that i listen to when I'm going through hard times is definitely Ren, as his music helps me not give up, but keep pushing through, while reminding me that the bad times are just periods of times and not the whole life.

Ren playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZF1DZ06evO0ryexH?si=tjkXeo8cToW_xLT5LLMZSA&pi=HH0dNUStQ_WQu

HOWEVER, i started thinking about making a playlist that would help me heal my inner child. the song Matilda by Harry Styles brings me comfort, as well as Vienna by Billy Joel.

what are some songs that talk softly and warmly to your inner child?

comment your suggestions and i'll make a spotify playlist for us 💜

EDIT: here's the playlist so far: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0KILy3rnJVRgeOHG4j8v3S?si=FCqCo6bERtOZ1jslaVTcpw

My blocks are lifting from my cptsd freeze.

Within that i am getting bits of thoughts of - "it wasnt so bad"....etc etc

But on the flip side, i am finally seeing some things as very harmful that are not trauma but my environmental factors....that tell me a bit of a bigger story i dont yet feel as its too much.

TRIGGER WARNINGS

• my dad used to distribute porn (pre online). He got me to help him from age 12. He knew i started to watch. It was in our home. It included quite extreme and illegal sex (not children). He didnt care. He ended up keeping the porn in my room when i was 15/16.

• my brother tried to kill himself, my dad did nothing to help but i helped my brother (which near broke me). Years later my dad denies it happened then he blames me for it.

• i was always shunned to silence or the corner.

• i was mugged at 14 but i didnt tell anyone as i knew i would be blamed

• i started drinking and clubbing at 15/16

• wasnt given any money, was told i had to get a job from age 13

• i was only gifted anything if my gambling addict dad won something which was rare

Anyway, i have lost my intention and gotten rambling

Sharing for feedback as i cant see the harm..

I am very slowly coming out of freeze, and in doing so, somethings are revealing to me about how my system became organised defensively, and its quite confusing, so i am seeking views.,..

For context, i have cPTSD, realising now at 42, that its mostly been freeze / collapse but i spent a lot of my life with active fight / flight too, until adult traumas kicked in at age 27. The biggest things that has impacted my system has been preverbal trauma (0 to 3), and quite severe abuse and neglect there.

When i was 27, a very significant trauma also happened, that pushed my system over more fully, i was living on my own, and i was clearly very depressed, but i didnt know it at all, and i didnt feel it. I was in a bad state:

- I would lie in bed watching shows, and only get up, if i was literally about to burst to poop or pee, and sometimes i didnt make it to the toilet. I didnt feel sad, i felt nothing and didnt know that either, maybe occasional frustration but that was rare, i was in autopilot, very little space or awareness of my state.

- my weight ballooned 20kgs and i bought bigger clothes but really had no idea i was getting bigger

- my addictions all got much much worse, but now i see they were like a lid to keep me safe from the world and feeling, and the few remaining now still do that too.,

- i withdrew from society - but also didnt know i was doing so

I guess the crux of what i am seeing is, the behaviour speaks to a depressive period, and from now going inside, i think if it wasnt numbed out, i may not have survived. I am curious though, i had just no awareness of this experience, and it went on for 5-7 years, i could work, and fake it to the world, but i was just so shutdown on my own (that still the case, but my awareness is growing and becoming a bit more embodied)

Seeing how others interpret this

Ugh this is so long I feel ashamed, but at least I'm not forcing anyone to read it.

What I have been thinking for the past couple of hours (feels a lot longer), began from me having my everyday thoughts about life not being worth living. From hindsight I was dysregulated of course... I felt like curling into a ball in my bed and so I did, but I exaggerated the position a bit (I don't remember which author wrote about this, maybe Peter Levine) and was listening to melancholic music, trying to let that undefined state metabolize somehow. I squeezed my arms bilaterally because a couple of weeks ago it had helped me - good thing the thought popped in my head at that moment. I think it helped again because I started crying and my breathing slowed down.

Very rarely these kind of moments open a pathway to deeper layers in my mind I usually don't reach. Most of the time I won't even remember it's possible, this happens maybe twice a year, and later it always feels like it was illusory, not real, and I just imagined something that wasn't actually anything tangible that could work in the long run. Then I forget about it. If I write about it here or on my diary and read it later, it sounds like I was in a crazy state and my normal everyday life experience is the real one, whatever that is. It's different from this one.

Emotions and thoughts followed each other, and then I felt this belief that what I am in totality can't be tolerated by anyone else. I know that belief consciously already, but usually don't feel it. I believe this belief is based in real experiences about my emotions being intolerable to my parents when I was very young - you know the level of fury a toddler can reach? And later, when the kid is a bit older and becomes aware of themselves and know other people are separate from them, and the parent also becomes aware that there is another self-aware person in front of them, and suddenly they can project their stuff on them on a whole another level... That was just a mess with my very likely personality-disordered parents. I think my mum was unable to stand my dysregulation and feelings and it left me feeling very alone, and she could be very defensive as well and lost her nerve, snapped at me without later repair. I think my dad was all that too, and then there was also a another, deeper side in him for whom I was not just frustrating as hell as a needy kid and a nuisance but also something that is disgusting. I can't put words to that experience yet... I'm trying, but I come across the cliché that words can't describe. Might just be lack of my words, though, due to not being done with processing. But I can try to find approximations here.

It's like what I can be as a human - annoying, pesky, frustrating, hurtful, obnoxious, choose your word - is not worth tolerating, not to mention thought of positively. And not just intolerable in a sense of leaving me behind emotionally so that he can cope, but something so intolerable that can be actively walked towards, acted on, and the action is to throw me away like trash. He didn't have to do anything else but stare at me with his deadly cold eyes filled with something I don't know what it was. Hatred? Disgust? Whatever it was, it was saying that I'm trash. I'm not worth of keeping the space alive between us. Instead I'm worth of killing the whole connection and who cares if I'm being destroyed in that process. Maybe it would even make him feel pleasure, not sure.

This description doesn't satisfy me on an emotional level, but maybe it still doesn't mean anybody can't understand what I'm saying here. I know the discussion that's been going on here about people being recognized as subjects. I think what I'm talking about here is in that realm.

The thing is, I've been in a very narcissistic mode for the past couple of weeks. Who is better than me, who is lesser than me, hierarchies of quality between people, who deserves my energy and who doesn't. Black-and-white thinking, splitting, you name it. Those defenses are always there, lurking inside me, but the conscious layer has been very active in me lately. I don't know why, maybe there was a trigger earlier in the autumn, but I can't find my way back to it. Perhaps it all surfaced when my therapy started again in August after a few months break.

Anyway, internally I have been feeling rage due to the disappointments people cause(d) me. I have felt like my needs are not important enough for people around me to adjust to. I'm not worth adapting to, but I should do that to _them_. Often that _them_ is somebody vague, but sometimes it is also real person, like a family member, a friend, or in treatment. Especially in treatment... I have the perception that I'm the one being criticized for my traits, either by my therapist or by my doctor. It is an implication in therapy - something has to change of course, otherwise why be in therapy? - and that something is me. I'm labelled as someone so pathological by my personality that it has a diagnosis, and that diagnosis is referred to when I'm expressing felt sense of lack of understanding in therapeutic process. Or, as of lately, that I'm also autistic... I admit it is a good thing to get screened if a professional has a suspicion of that being a possibility, possibly causing complications and explaining why three years of trauma therapy is still stuck in the first phase, but the screening process has also felt like "yeah, let's look for any other reason for her reactions but not the possibility that the therapy doesn't work because the therapist is out of her depth with her". It's like my T rather thinks I'm not ready for the process than do self-reflection.

Now the twist is that I'm doing the same thing to other people my dad did to me, just sometimes in different areas of life and inside my mind (I wouldn't want to get judged by other people by acting that way, and I really don't even want to). I also suspect I have doubled down on the width and intensity of it, but what do I know, my dad never opened about his deepest ponderings. Maybe he also has a misanthropist living inside of him, but I surely do. When somebody shows even a slightest flaw or imperfection, if it somehow fits with my past or present experiences of being in lack (even subconsciously), no matter how far fetched it seems... They become bad and defective in my mind. I won't say it to them of course - heck, majority of them are people I don't even know and interact with! And most of these people could do those actions, they might happen, but haven't yet. In the era of social media, there are also endless examples of people doing shitty things far away from me, but they activate me nevertheless, and I despise them for it. When it happens enough, I stop scrolling certain platforms, but the root cause doesn't disappear - it's hard to even want to try to tolerate people.

This phenomenon in me is so all-encompassing and rampant that I can't see any other way without thinking I would need to delude myself. People seem bad and evil, and not only seem to be like that - I'm actively punishing them inside my mind by categorizing them as evil. It is tormenting to live in such a reality, all that hatred hurts and burns me and when these types of people seem to be all around, it feels impossible to ever find connection to anyone "good enough" and I'll end up alone. Most of the time I can't see any other way. During moments like tonight, it's a big thing to be able to entertain the idea that it could be possible that reality is not like that, even though I'm still nowhere near accepting it as truth.

It makes me think, then, about all this blackness in me... that there is no power great enough on this planet to contain me at my worst (what I understand from Winnicott and other's term 'containment' in psychoanalysis). I'm horrified of being so evil that even the biggest saint couldn't possibly see me as I am de facto and still think that I'm more than all that black, burning, foul-smelling soul-tar that makes me fully defected.

Is it just a grandiose defense to think nobody could think I'm worthy as I am? It could be, at least when it's protecting against a perceived insult to my needs, but now that I was crying after tapping myself, I was regulated enough to let my emotions surface fully. That's why I think it's more than a petty defense against a blown ego. I think it's a belief system that holds the possibility of an existential threat... Like I better believe it and act in life based on that being true than deviate from that even one step, ever, and bear the consequences. Ultimately it's a way to protect me from emotions so massive I could never survive sane? (Or I didn't survive sane, thus the state I already am in, because either I'm delusional now or then I'm right and people really are that terrible.)

I also notice this happening outside myself in real time. What I'm doing inside my head in those almost daily fits of rage, I see other people doing as well. They are throwing each other in that unworthy trash category as well, like my dad, in one way or another. Of course I read about it here when people share their lives. I see it in examples from dysfunctional families and relationships, but also in local Facebook groups, on news and reality tv, in politics, in so many areas of life... I try to remember moments where I have witnessed compassion and caring between people, just small everyday acts of kindness (jeez I will cringe at this part later when I'm back in the other mode again) and of course they exist, but then I think, "maybe they do it because it is socially acceptable and they want to feel good about themselves and don't want to be judged by others and cast away from the sphere of acceptance themselves, but put then in a stressful situation that pushes their buttons and all that superficial sugar-coating will crumble away....!"

I usually defend against the possibility "what if I'm wrong about this hateful perception?" with thoughts of "I don't even want to be happy or compassionate, it is disgusting, I'll rather burn myself!!!"%#¤%¤" but what I think it's really about, is that I can't trust it. For some reason, I lost that trust at some point. I remember years ago I was processing something, and a thought rose from inside of me: "I thought people would be good." It sounded like a kid was saying it, with depressed tone, like hope was lost. Maybe it happened once in a huge shock, or by a thousand small cuts, but I can't trust goodness being permanent anymore. I need proper evidence of ALL human flaws being tolerable, from gigantic Hitler-level evil to tiny mundane rejections. I need just one person being able to do that... And then, when witnessed in another person, goodness could become indestructible by the bad. Then I could believe that anything can be contained, and thus, ME can be contained, and when I can be contained, I MYSELF could be able to tolerate other people in their fullness as well, and then I could let that soul-corrosive hatred go.

Hi, does this resonate with anyone else? I’ve been going through absolute fucking hell for 4 years where my system sort of releases bits and pieces of tension in my body and in doing so it gets so overloaded with energy and emotional material and it brings on insomnia and horrific intrusive thoughts emotions etc for months at a time only to slowly titrate out and my body eventually just releases all of the pain i’ve ever felt and then i become confident and integrated for a while only for it to happen again.

Sorry i hope this is at least a little coherent and maybe someone can relate and could offer their experience or advice?? So alone with this its behond horrible

An example: When I exercise, I have my bag with me and I sit it nearby. I can't lose myself for long though in what I'm doing because I feel 'I should check on my bag.'

Granted, this area is continuing to improve, but it's painful. I'm trustworthy. I'm intelligent. I go to safe places. I'm situationally aware (definitely more so than the average person). I'm too careful. I'm too aware.

Again, this is improving. But I find myself checking on my belongings far too often and that takes my attention away from what I'm actually doing and from my actual goals. It's like the goal in the back of my mind is to "protect bag at all costs!" when the goal adult me has is "get a good bout of exercise in!"

Guy with multiple issues, from India here. CPTSD freeze, fawn and flight. No Fight at all.

1. About the things that worked :

Finding the thing that worked is as difficult as finding the reason how and why it happened. Hard one. But it is not as unnecessary as finding how and why it happened.

It's physical activity for me. Joined gym and that's the thing that worked for me. I have read somewhere that lifting weights help us to heal. Is it true ? I don't know. But those cardio stuff, those weight lifting exrcecises certainly help, to keep our mood right. You feel shitty, and then you enter the gym and exrcesise, and come out of the gym. There's considerable differences in your mood, before going to gym and after coming out of gym. There certainly is.

2. Abut the things that didn't work :

I can write a book for this. It's CBT that didn't work. CBT doesn't work.

We are weak. Too weak to stand up. We are like magnets for the narcististics. For example, let's say I am a freeze guy. I dont have any direction and I need some direction. I don't have any capability to know which is direction is right or wrong. A guy who is fight and flight has that tendency to give the direction to someone. He wants to make someone work like the way he wants. He says the truth and whatever he says will always be truth. And I need someone who always tells the truth. That guy knows the truth and I should follow it.

We dont have sense of self, do we ? What do we like ? How do we say the right-ness and wrong-ness of things ? No we really dont have sense of self. What we do, highly depends on where we are and what are our surrondings and all we crave for is to be accepted. A person beside you asks you to scream in the wedding ? Just scream without thinking, so that you agree with him , in a way you are accepted by him. You know that a person beside you is someone who doesn't like the religion ? Just discuss few things about atheism and he likes it. We are pure people pleasers and we completely lack the sense of self, I know both of these are different issues. If you have read "A song of ice and fire" novels, we have tons of issues, which Theon Greyjoy also has. Complete lack of sense of self. We really don't know who we are how should we stand. Our standing depends a lot on who are we surrounded with.

3. The things that need to be solved :

Tried Somatic therapy stuff. Yes I did try. But while I came to the final conclusion, whether it is working or not, I couldn't continue it because it is very costly. A session takes almost 2.5K INR which is really costly. I always wanted to try IFS therapy but again, that's costly. It is not that I don't have 2.5K INR. But I am the sole earner of my family and parents are dependent on me. So I am extremely conservative financially. IFS'ly speaking, a part of me doesn't allow me to take this costly therapies.

One of the observation I made with myself is, I just can't connect with people. I can't. I dont put any effort for the connection. For example, when another person sits there I just dont want to speak anything. It is boring. Why do I not play football ? Because I know that I just dont want it. So like that it is. I just can't want any human connections, if truth to be told. It's like, I can't explain it. What is even there to talk with him ? Should I ask boring and useless questions, like, How is coconut rate in his town? What's there to talk ? And hence, I am lonely. I don't have any friends as such in my life. I am in my mid twenties and I am lonely and I never really was in any relationships before as well.

Another observation is, my automatic nervous system is strong that I literally don't have any control on it. I can't smile when I am nervous [I can't fake], and when someone makes a kind of facial expression [like disugusting or like showing their anger on me] I completely give my everything to autonomic nervous system and it rules me. Feels like I don't have any say in it. It is so so so so so so so so strong and I am too weak infront of it.

I belive, I need to focus on getting this nervous system corrected and for that I need to connect with myself. How to do that ?

Do you think yoga would be helpful in addressing all these above issues? "Connection" is a thing that's lacking within me [connecting with oneself and connecting with others].

Any suggrestions are welcomed.

Little bit of context. 27M, My last serious relationship ended 7 years ago. Things ended really badly and I carried it with me for a long time.

After doing intense work for the past couple of years, with professional help and personal growth, I felt really somewhat happy with myself. I started a new career, made new friends, moved out on my own away from my dysfunctional family.

Out of the blue about 3 weeks ago, an old coworker of mine messaged me on Facebook. She expressed interest in dating me. I wasn’t looking for anything at all, I’m not on any dating apps, I haven’t tried to meet new people. But, I figured since she organically reached out to me, that things were safe.

She wanted to take things slow, which is perfectly fine with me, considering my past traumas. I wanted to make sure she was someone who I could build trust with. We texted for a couple weeks, talked about ourselves, our goals for the future, what we liked to do. I really started to take a liking to her.

We went on two dates, back to back nights, and had an absolute blast. Both nights ended with us cuddling, massaging, and talking at her place. Nothing sexual, just bonding. Things started to get more serious. She was talking about and texting about seeing a future with me, how I’m all green flags, I’m everything she needs from a serious partner. I start to really lower my guard and allow more of my heart to show.

Friday, we went on our third date. I went with her while she ran some errands. We got lunch. We played pool for almost 4 hours, just laughing, flirting, teasing. Things were going great I thought. Back at her place, we cuddled some more. I gave her a back massage. I brought up the idea of us getting more serious and exclusive. She said she felt it was too soon for that.

I felt a bit confused, because the signals I were getting indicated that she was seriously interested in me. But because of those signals, I felt confident that things would work out, so I didn’t press the issue anymore and reassured her.

I get home from the date, and she starts texting me about being unsure of where she’s at in life or who she is as a person. Immediately, my internal alarm started going off. But, I calmed myself, and did my best to support and reassure her.

Saturday, I hear absolutely nothing from her all day. I text her once saying good morning, and another around 6 pm saying I hope she’s doing okay. Finally, she responds and basically says, “I’m not ready for a serious relationship. I need to focus on my mental health first.”

I thanked her for the honesty and wished her the best. But now, I’m feeling so fucking confused and honestly hurt. I’m trying to look at the positives of this. The fact that I wasn’t even trying to date and something came out of this. The fact it’s been 7 years since I opened my heart to anybody. I’m trying to be proud of myself for taking this step.

But it hurts. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I can definitely tell you that I feel somewhat used. I thought for sure that things were going good. From her words and actions both, it wasn’t even like she was giving me mixed signals. I thought it was all green lights. And then boom, rug gets pulled out suddenly.

Im in between insurance, so I’m not currently seeing my therapist. I wanted to get these feelings out somewhere and share them. Thank you, if you’ve read all of this.

I’d appreciate any words of support or advice. Especially from those of you who’ve dipped your toes back into dating.

I had a session today and when my therapist asked how I was, I said “all things considered, good.”

She said, “I would like to hear that”

And I mentioned how, lately I started prioritising staying around people who make me feel safe. I have cut out communication channels with majority of my family and that makes me peaceful. Earlier I used to feel guilty to do that. But lately I’ve realised that people who don’t understand will never, and me overcompensating for that to not hurt them will never bring me peace. So cutting off contact has given me a lot of peace, and I’ve been prioritising peace lately.

She said that’s a major milestone in my journey.

I want to feel proud but I don’t know how. But I just wanted to share that.

Edit: by family, I don’t mean my parents or brothers. I meant extended family. Mom and dads siblings and their families :)

I struggled a lot in the relationship because his needs were always above mine. I felt suffocated and had no voice in the relationship.

A vanilla eample: he wanted to join a soccer game and insisted that I go with him. I said I wasn’t comfortable with playing contact sports with men, plus I don’t play soccer at all, whereas he’s plays some contact sports semi professionally. He wouldn’t accept my disinterest and insisted that I should at least “give it a shot,” and said if I didn’t like it I could always wait on the side to watch him play. Me: why would you assume that I’d spend my afternoon watch you play??

There are countless other examples, where he kept asking for what he wanted and dismissed mine. I resented those interactions not only because I felt so small and voiceless despite trying to advocate for myself, but also in hindsight I feel so so jealous of how much (and perhaps too much?) self advocacy he exuded, though he did it to an extreme where he externalized all accountabilities onto me.

For example, he’s highly observant and protective of his physical condition, whereas I’m still learning to validate my physical discomfort. A few times he felt mildly unwell and immediately treated it as a big deal (and told me how I was obstructing his sleep so he’s getting sick, and now he must go to bed early, even though he’s the one asking to meet up past midnight because he had a bunch of other commitments prior.) unfair to me but kudos to him for identifying what his body needed and acting on it.

And I used to get the ick from him showing visible discomfort at things. Idk if he’s extremely sheltered or just weird but a lot of innocuous things could make him feel uncomfortable, like cemeteries or when I offered my fruit knife to him because he was cutting meat with a cutlery knife. And he fucking owned up to it and never held back from showing it. If I were scared of the cemetery I’d probably make myself go through it at the first sign of dismissal of my fear (well maybe not. After all I did not go to that soccer game.) Nothing in this world could make him do it if he’s not feeling it.

I’m thinking about this because just now I saw a comment by someone who used to pride on not feeling bothered by disgusting things, as if nothing could bother them. That was 100% me throughout my teenage years up to early adulthood. I was so good at suppressing my discomfort so that I could appear invincible or that I wouldn’t make others embarrassed by showing my discomfort. Small things like pretending I didn’t smell someone’s fart or bad breath to bigger things like i wasn’t judging people for their morally corrupt acts so they’d keep confiding in me and I’d feel wanted and trusted. When I think about my ex he’s so weird and inconsiderate and unaccountable for his own doing but I so wish I could have 30% of his self trust and acceptance.

I think about how he always had a million things to do in addition to hanging out with me, and how I always scheduled my things around him because he’s already so unavailable. He’s all about him and I was all about others’ needs. I think of how loving his parents are and how much they hype him up to the point where I think he’s a bit out of touch with reality, but damn it must be nice to love yourself that much. I think of how during our breakup he felt comfortable talking to his parents about his emotions and felt supported and how I never felt seen or understood by my family so I don’t share my achievements or losses with them. Last week I won some international sports competition and my friends were so visibly happy for me and it felt surreal and made me want to cry. It made me wish I could tell my ex because having received so much recognition and praises from his family he never held back from feeling proud of me. Even during our breakup he said he’s “proud of us” - I couldn’t understand that mentality at all I could see was how toxic and incompatible this relationship was and I still feel shamed for staying in it because I wanted someone in my life. So then I felt ugly and small for not sharing that pride.

Here you go. This was my ex. An emotionally immature, egocentric, inconsiderate man who literally thanked me for teaching him how to apologize after the relationship ended, who’s also easily happy and self loving and immune to shame.

Trigger warning for being an overwhelmed clump of distress, medical issues and mentioning of past parental death.

Most of the time, I know what's going on with me. Right now? I just know I feel too sensitive for this world. The things that are overwhelming me:

• I've been struggling with long covid and it has been improving, slowly but steadily, but I still am not able to do much and don't feel well. I generally am good at "pacing" but overdid it this week and may or may not be in a CFS crash right now. I am approaching this holistically and trying to work on both physical and psychological healing and rest. I somewhat grieve the life I had to put on pause due to this.

• Tough week with 4 doctor visits in one week, beyond exhausting. Bad timing and some were unrelated to my current condition, booked months ago and rescheduling would have meant more waiting, which I didn't want.

• My partner's friend visited us for a few days, and she was extremely draining. I set my boundaries, but I wasn't aware how being sick and overwhelmed lowers my capacity to deal with this, and I was simply not prepared for such a draining person. (First time I met her)

• It's also the anniversary of my partner's mother dying from cancer a few years ago, and my partner does not talk about it, but the presence of the event is felt. Her dying back then caused big, big issues in our relationship that we have overcome, but aren't easy to remember. Especially because my relationship with my own mom isn't easy. This death, and it's aftermath, was the event that set off my CPTSD recovery journey actually.... so it was an incredibly formative event in my life too even though I never met her.

• I started new birth control pills yesterday, after taking another type for a decade, and it feels like I have the worst ever PMDD episode, crying out of control and feeling like I will fall apart, why even live, and all that jazz. I had some issues with PMDD already and this feels like that, but even worse.

• Also yesterday, I did a treatment for fatigue which involves getting low oxygen levels. Physically exhausting. I do think it's helping but I wasn't able to properly rest it off.

• Smoked weed last night. Rarely do, and it felt good then, but it probably wasn't a good idea in this particular moment. Weed hangover today.

• To top it all, had a fight with my partner a few hours ago, which we normally simply don't do anymore, but I think we both were pushed over our limits. We already sorted it out, but it breaks my heart that we had a fight, especially around this grief anniversary.

After everything, I am just left feeling like there is no point in anything, life will never be good, I will be sick forever, and unable to live my life in a good way. I find myself wondering how the fuck did I even get to this point of questioning the meaning of my own existence. Could it be the pills? A CFS crash? Emotional flashback to when my partner lost a mom and everything sucked so, so bad? Emotional flashback of another type? I question how the fuck did my therapist come to be so convinced I'm done with therapy, because this doesn't feel normal (somehow she also seems to have triggered my mother wound with discharging me). Did the weed contribute to this feeling of falling apart? Or is it? Is this also part of life? Or am I just too inherently broken by the shit I lived through as a kid and a teen? I almost feel like I don't even know what is real and who I am. For moments I lose it then come back then lose it. This cannot be "normal", right??? So I end up feeling "too sensitive for this world" cause all of this are normal parts of life for most people yet here I am overwhelmed beyond belief.

It feels like "the lowest of the low points" and "no big deal" at the same time.

Plz be kind and merciful, I am struggling so much. might delete later. I do not want to reach out to people I know in person about any of this.

I found a person I truly love and value. He listens and understands me, while also keeping boundaries and not letting arguments escalate when I get dysregulated and overemotional. The thing I am struggling with is that I have never experienced such a great relationship, and I know it is deeply changing me. I am having dreams of my parents together (they got divorced when I was 10 and I've never had dreams of them together) and even my sex life is changing: I'm feeling more relaxed during sex and more capable of trusting him.

I am crying all of the time because I think this is triggering some abandonment wound of my father leaving out of nowhere when I was young. I don't know. Is like love, true love, is triggering and it is making me suffer.

Do you think this will calm down with time? We have been together for 7 months...

Grew up very, very parentified. Even as a child i remember frequently intervening my parents’ dynamic because dad was the dominant decision maker who always got his way and mom was just so meek and passive and sometimes that passivity implodes into resentment and aggression at me or the dad.

I think that experience planted something in me. Firstly, I’m very vigilant in relationships around unfairness. Doesn’t help that dating as a woman in a patriarchal society sometimes that unfairness is just built into hetero relarionships and I find it almost inevitable. Maybe I haven’t had the best partners. But most guys I’ve dated, comparing to my female friends, were always just more selfish and inconsiderate. I’d call them out because I could not stand that kind of behavior, but then I often ended up feeling like I was the argumentative one (maybe I could bring it up more diplomatically, but I have no patience for that when I feel the other person is in the wrong, plus they often get defensive or tell me I’m difficult, except one partner I’ve had). I wish I could be more tolerant like my friends are - i think my female friends are used to it and male friends don’t feel as threatened by that kind of unfairness or unequal power dynamic. I don’t think relationship can be 100% fair all the time, so I do think my sensitivity around this is making my life more difficult.

But what prompted me to write this post is because I feel constantly triggered by hetero relationships around me. I cannot stand observing some of my close friends’ relationships. I either notice that the woman is doing the cooking and cleaning and organizes events while the man chats with the guests, or (with a different, self-proclaimed feminist guy friend) the man only dates extremely agreeable women who are mentally unwell so very reliant on the relationship or is neurodivergent and resorts to agreeableness to get through social situations, and I doubt he respects them to the full extent given the reasons he listed for liking them (it always boils down to they’re cute (i.e. timid and agreeable) and needy of him), and he’d talk about worrying for them because they didn’t seem very smart or got their lives together. It just gives white savior and I started disliking him for how he navigates his relationships.

I do have some friends who seem to be in more fair relationships, but even in those I still see the unequal power dynamics and I feel so powerless to fix everything. I know it’s not my job and I can learn to draw emotional boundaries, but it feels so so personal given what I’ve witnessed growing up and my identity as a woman. I feel exhausted. It’d help if I were in a truly equal relationship, but like I said even my best relationship in hindsight was far from perfect on this front. Maybe if I just trusted people more I could have interpreted everything more charitably? But I simply see it and I can’t ignore it.

I'm not totally emotionally numb.

And lots of places I've read, that you can't selectively numb emotions. Numb one, numb all.

And I've read the above with an "except anger". You can numb everthing but anger.

EDIT Correction. "anger is the one emotion you can feel while repressing all the others."

There's also this bit about emotional pain. Clearly joy doesn't hurt. And neither does love or happiness.

A few nights ago, nn Station 19, I felt outrage for Andi, the female firefighter who killed an attempted rapist, and was arrested for manslaughter. Felt in intensely enough that I couldn't sit still. Outrage is exhilierating. So is anger. (I feel outrage for someone else. I feel anger for myself)

Sad is more like bittersweet. Not painful at all. It has elements of contentment, acceptance, and regret for what can't be.

Disgust is a mostly intellectual emotion. Oh, I can feel 'ew. ick' sometimes at a sex scene on TV. Not sure if that is disgust or some transformation of fear of intimacy. But doing gross things, such as butchering a week dead frozen horse with a chainsaw to feed a kennel of huskies I was in charge of didn't bother me.

Love, joy, grief, anguish are only from reading. If happy is different from contentment, I don't get it either.

I live abroad and don't have a large social circle here. I've also been struggling a lot since last year, which doesn't help with my ability to socialize. Luckily, one of my close friends from college lives in the same city, so we hang out together a lot. We were supposed to do Thanksgiving dinner together today (Friday). The plan was for me to get a "take & bake" style Thanksgiving dinner for two and cook at my place.

Well, she ditched me last minute to go visit her ex husband in Spain. It wasn't even her calling me up to tell me that she can't make it. I texted her at around 5 pm checking when she's coming and she tells me "I'm in Spain. [Ex husband] had some emergency." I'm pissed off that she didn't even bother telling me in advance. If I hadn't asked her... I could've been waiting around forever without hearing from her.

Anyway, I decided that since I already got the food package, I will go ahead and celebrate on my own. That's exactly what I did. And now I can have a SECOND full Thanksgiving meal tomorrow :)

Hi all,

Like most CPTSD people, I am suffering this holiday season. November and December are very hard on me. I experienced an extensive amount of trauma during this time over the years. I have a poor memory of my childhood, so the two-month period is just a transient "trauma anniversary."

On top of that, I just went no contact with my parents on November 16th. Trump's election win is causing chaos in my life. My partner and I are in a same-sex marriage and decided to have a courthouse wedding in January. I am SO happy to be getting married!! However, we have to do a bunch of legal paperwork, so that is stressing us out. And I'm in finals season for this semester of graduate school. And, work is crazy right now. And, my area went through a hurricane in September, and everyone is still recovering.

I am dealing with feelings of panic, terror, and overwhelm daily. It is taking a toll on my mind and body. I take a variety of psych medicines, but none of them are for panic/anxiety. Some coping strategies help me release the tension and discomfort, but that only lasts for 5 minutes max. Gentle yoga/stretching, focusing on my breathing, and mindfulness help some. I need to get into a routine to help myself. Even if it's just 15 minutes in the morning of something.

Does anyone have any emergency intervention skills for extreme panic and discomfort? Specifically, something that can be done at home to reset the nervous system.

A space to share your struggles, worries, concerns, big and small wins. Discuss your recovery goals and progress. Or even just to drop in to say, 'Hi' and talk about what you've been upto recently.

If you have any suggestions for this thread, share them here.

I really don’t want to. I feel like this pain right now is so useless and could’ve been avoided but no. I had to screw it up again. I had to be a mess and not be organized, instead of doing these things and fulfilling the dream I had, I lost it now.

I’ve been part of a student organization for some years now that revolves around coding. I realized this year that I’m wanting to do some programming as a job. I joined this organization some years back, with the intent to teach myself the fun things around working with computers, servers, all the tech stuff. I had also been wanting to learn more coding for years now. However, I put this off for years as well.

Now, I’ve made some lasting memories in this organization, met some future friends and it was really cool, for the time I was active in there. Which was maybe a year or so. Apart from that, for the last 2-3 years I’ve told everyone, including myself, I wanna be more active again, though that didn’t happen.

Now they’ve changed the rules and I’ve been kicked out because I have not attended meetings in a long time. The last thing I had were the keys to our various offices/meeting rooms. I kind of held onto these, because I’ve been thinking I’m gonna get back into it. I wanted to keep them, because I didn’t want to give up this dream. I feel pain typing this out.

I’ve had the dream of becoming a programmer since I was a teenager and only this year, when I did heavy trauma work, I realized why the heck have I been putting this off? This is what I want to do, and I want to do it. These dreams involved said organization too. I dreamt of kind of free-teaching myself all the basics in this organization. (While studying. I’m still in Uni and atm I still study mathematics.) Today, some people from there rang at my doorbell to ask me to give away the keys I still had. (I also received messages from the head of the organization about this two weeks ago, though I didn’t answer them because I feel shame.) I was pretty surprised by this and told them I want to do it not today. The deal now is that I give away my keys tomorrow morning.

After they were gone, I started crying and pain came up. I feel so much shame around this. That I didn’t get “back into it”, as I told myself and everyone else. That one of my friendships from there didn’t end well. I feel some panic, because I have the urge to just rejoin the organization, though I’m unsure if I want to keep studying. I also feel pain and I want to cry right now. I notice I’m instinctively wanting to dissociate from the pain, and there’s also grief coming up in this moment, I just want to not feel it like I’ve done forever. However there’s also this small urge in me to sit down with the feelings. Do this. Look at what went wrong.

I’m unsure where I’m getting at with this, I kind of want to put this out here for now. I feel some relief too. Which is something I’m surprised of. But there’s this deep pain that kind of is about giving up a dream. I dunno. I feel unwell. I am kind of dissociating right now, but I still feel the pain. It sits in my chest and it feels heavy. I do kind of want to write it out and really sit with it. Though I don’t, too.

I feel toxic shame as well. After the two people came asking for the keys, I had this toxic shame attack. I like to think I’m getting better at sitting with the shame though.

I'm experiencing financial stress at the moment - probably for a year from now on. My therapist already

charges little compared to other therapists, and she also gave me a generous student discount.

She's very good and she also incorporates a lot of different modalities together - EMDR,IFS,SE etc

so the amount she charges is nothing compared to any other similar option.

I don't want to stop therapy but I also feel like the financial stress is too consuming.

Anybody experienced something similar to this? I wonder what my options are. One thing I thought of is having 3 meetings out of 4 weeks. Is this something that's ok to ask for?

The thing is, I do have the money in savings but it's still frightening for me. I'm financially independent so it's all on me... Therapy feels more like a privilege at the moment so I'm not sure.

For a long time I've noticed times when I feel more fully and comfortably in the present moment. For many years such experiences were very brief and rare, and I usually even forgot that life could be experienced in that way. When I rediscovered them via drugs, they strongly reminded me of how I used to experience life in early childhood, before bad events put me into a worse state. Later I started accessing that state more often without drugs in some settings. Activities like spending time in nature, swimming and gardening could bring them about.

Today I experienced this for a while as I was eating warm canned soup while watching a documentary on woodpeckers. Ordinarily, I would be eating a more elaborate meal at the table with my mother, enjoying various food sensations, but dissociating in some ways. Also, ordinarily I wouldn't be very interested in such a documentary. I might only tolerate it laying down, and fall asleep during part of it. Today it seems that combination of soup and the documentary worked together to put me into a good state. This seems so mundane, and yet, somehow very precious because of how right that state feels.

It's not like I was only focused on the sights and sounds of the documentary, and the flavours, aromas and textures of the soup. That would seem dissociative, because it ignores other aspects of the experience. At the same time, I was also more aware of my body, and perceiving the room around me in a better way.

I want to understand more about what this is and how it is different from my usual state.

Also, I'm wondering about the way that this state always seems dependent on external factors. Like, if I wasn't eating the soup, I wouldn't have had that experience. Curiously, it seems like this doesn't mean the activity is good. Like, having dinner from a can and eating it while watching TV doesn't seem like a great idea objectively. That is why the dependence on external factors seems potentially problematic.

This state definitely seems closer to a healed state. That's part of why I'm posting here, hoping that others who experience this more regularly can provide more insight about it.

Though, I wouldn't say that the mere fact I'm able to access this state means that I am healed. Probably a pattern of accessing it more frequently in more mundane situations (ie. not needing drugs or exceptional events) is a sign of progress.

I’m coming out of collapse after over 1 year. I also lost ~12kg weight (all muscle) and dealt with other physical problems like tinnitus & insomnia & partial numbing & body pains.

One thing I notice as I become more conscious and aware again is how I am constantly holding tension in my body. Like I’m never relaxed. Not even in my sleep (like my neck never lays down to rest). And it’s very much connected to where I’m emotionally/mentally at, which hasn’t eased up yet (just became observable).

I’m trying meditation. But, doesn’t have other techniques to relax muscles and release tension caused by your anxieties and trauma-driven spirals?

I'm 26f almost 27, never had a serious relationship, no one ever wanted me, I have no family, some friends but not deep meaningful relationships I can honestly share my cptsd side and be seen.

I just never been loved or even wanted, not even from my family, I'd never even shared a consented kiss or slept with someone. and I always thought that one day it will change but no matter what I do it doesn't and I fear it will be like that forever, that my parents were right and that I'm broken and just can't fix it no matter how much healing I've done.

It just keeps reaffirming my worst beliefs and insecurities about myself and feeds them. Was wondering if anyone else deals/dealt with that and what did you do?

So recently, I decided that I wanted to step out of my comfort zone, improve my social skills, and gradually work on my social anxiety. I noticed that underneath that anxiety is a shame- when I enter any social setting, I assume that people see me as weird and a burden. What's been helping me with that is noticing and acknowledging the shame and moving my attention away from my thoughts towards my body.

I've read a few accounts of people on this sub or the r/CPTSD sub saying that they noticed people treating them differently when they healed more. I've noticed it, too- when I feel grounded and don't feel shame, socialising comes very easily, and people seem more responsive.

At the same, I've been trying to stop masking and acting confident when I internally feel shame, instead, I am working on being authentic and telling people how I feel (adjusting it based on the situation)- "I feel awkward" or "I feel a bit anxious right now". However, at times, I find it very hard to do because I fear that people will belittle me or see me as weird for saying that.

I am curious to hear your opinion and experience with socialising and whether you think authenticity is the right approach.

A week or so ago during a journaling session, to my very own surprise, I forgave my family. I was having some me-time with my journal and I had no idea that was going to come out! I didn't think I ever would. I thought it wasn't necessary or important, but it turned out it was necessary. Meaning for me, apparently it was a necessary part of my journey because it happened.

Fwiw, I'll share the journal entry: I think I do forgive my family. Every single one of them had brain disorders or were in the cog/emo states they were in without awareness or desire or capability or capacity to be or act any differently. I'm able to forgive because I dug out of AND filled up the hole they had put me in. I don't need to or want to spend any more mental energy on them. I am no longer interested in learning about brain/mental disorders and they were my only inspiration for learning about those in the first place! I have come far enough that I don't need to look back. I have crossed the threshold into a new existence.

TW: Mention of purging, nothing graphic

Long story short I just had a really nasty stomach flu, which was the first time I've vomited since I was a teenager (late 30's now). I have been stuck in intense freeze for most of my life, including hardly ever being able to cry even when I have the urge, and I suspect the muscle tension which blocks that has also blocked me from vomiting on past occasions, even when it might actually have been better for me to do so. Anyway even in the worst moments of the flu I found myself getting emotional flashbacks to very young feelings of grief and despair, and these have persisted even after the physical symptoms have faded.

I'm wondering if using those muscles so violently for the first time in 25 years could have released something inadvertently? Has anyone else experienced anything like this?