Divorce was finalized recently, ex told me he was going to be the one to take my son to his dentist appointment (it wasn't his day, but grandma usually does this so we dont have to miss work.....in my son's 9 years of life, I think ex has attended 1 appointment ever and that was with me). The plan was he would take him to the appointment and return him to me when I got off work. He later told my child that he could overrule what I wanted and what my child wanted and he was changing our plans, he would return my child around 10:00 at night instead of around 4. Care agreement states he has custody every other weekend. This was not his day, and therefore any schedule changes needed to be agreed upon. I was able to get my child back around 4ish, but in the process he told my child what a horrible person I am and that my child deserved a better mother than me (he has frequently told our children he isn't proud of them, what they think is important, like their grades and schooling, doesn't matter, etc).

How do you manage an ex who has already refused to follow the agreement and now my children are terrified to see him because they don't think they will be returned? It's going to be several long years until my kids are old enough to make their own decisions. I am actively working on finding a therapist for us, but they also shouldn't have to live in fear, especially of their own father. I'm already working on the gray rock method and only communicate about the children. Any other tips/tricks to make this easier?

How do you handle a child at age 6-8 being placed in the parenting arrangements? At this point, a lot of them time child comes back from weekend visits, I hear about how they want to live with other parent, want it to be more equal, saying I told them no to more time there (which I didn’t and it’s a conflict with the co parent that results back to bare minimums)

How to deal with these conversations? How to navigate it?

I am scheduling therapy appt for my child soon, already submitted paperwork to the office just waiting on a call back to schedule. I’m going back to therapy as well. So hoping maybe that can help me navigate this too and child having their own to navigate their feelings.

But what’s age appropriate to speak of? I’m doing my best to handle this now and when this recent issues arose I didn’t even say anything to child, they didn’t ask. But when they got back from the few hours for holiday, they were like I know why I couldn’t stay- because you said no… which is not the truth at all. But co parent tried blaming me to our child.

It’s frustrating and I don’t know how to navigate it. I don’t talk bad about child’s dad so he doesn’t get the impression of how many times he’s cancelled or had a tantrum and cancelled day of.

Does anyone deal with a situation like this? What’s worked for you? How do you navigate these conversations when child is bringing it all up, I’m not initiating any of this.

My ex and I have a custody agreement which includes rotating holidays, with pretty clear-cut days and times the handover occurs. For the past several years they haven’t adhered to it, mostly when to bring kiddo back. They just informed me of their intended holiday plans, and it’s like they didn’t even take into consideration the guideline for when the period starts / ends. It extends beyond the allotted time frame. To be honest, I’m all for compromise for the kid’s benefit; however, I’m tired of having to point out the lack of adherence to the order. If it was presented as a “I know it reads this, but would you be willing to compromise on my having kiddo for an extra few days because of family plans”, I’d be for it. But after being informed of the planned dates I finally put my foot down and said it wouldn’t work because of reasons stated above. Is it unreasonable to be so staunchly adherent to the order, mostly because of consistent disregard to do due diligence?

I’m hesitant to post this here since the topic is education, and I’ve seen a lot of the parents here are pretty traditional when it comes to educational values (meaning public school is the way). I, on the other hand, am guessing I’m in the minority. I have a lot of trauma from school and, while I loved learning, I regret staying in school because I was so negatively impacted by my peers. I wish I had homeschooled. I had the option to, but didn’t have the courage to do it.

My ex, on the other hand, didn’t go to public school. He was forced to go to a Waldorf school even though he yearned to go to the public school that was five minutes from his house. Every day they would drive past it on their way to the Waldorf school that was 45 minutes away. After his eighth grade Waldorf graduation, he dropped out of high school at the beginning of his sophomore year and never looked back. He is smart, successful, and self motivated, though he attributes that to his parents forcing him to go to school and not letting him quit rather than being in touch with his own inner drive (and actually his mom did let him drop out of high school, so… I’m not sure how that applies).

Fast-forward to now and we have two kids together. They went to a small Waldorf school pod that was started on our farm during Covid and also homeschooled part-time. Just a year ago they started public school.

My daughter likes public school well enough. My son hates it and wants to go back to homeschooling. He begs me every single week to do that. And I am stuck. I don’t value public school and I really have a hard time getting behind it. I see it as largely damaging to one’s inner sense of joy, curiosity, and creativity.

I agreed to let them go to public school last year because their dad was so set on it, and I had been paying for their Waldorf education alone by working at their school, which I couldn’t really afford anymore, and I was nervous about taking on full-time homeschooling. Plenty of reasons I wasn’t clear enough to do an alternative.

I took our son to OT every single week for months last year to try to support him in going to public school. Ultimately the OT said they couldn’t help because our son just doesn’t like public school and doesn’t value it. He’s had a different experience of alternative schooling that he likes way more.

I know that I’m not clear about committing to homeschooling, but ultimately not having their dad’s support makes it really difficult. There was a brief time when they went to the Waldorf school part-time, and I was homeschooling them part time, that I felt supported by him and everything felt smooth. I wish we could go back to this, but I just don’t know how we can. He described it as death by 1000 cuts, meaning all the things that have happened since that time have damaged our relationship (it was obviously damaged beforehand, but now it’s damaged in regards to education).

This has been so hard and painful. I really don’t know how to go forward without abandoning myself and my values. I’ve been trying really hard to find the positives in public school and support my kids in going, but their dad is convinced that I’m not doing that. Ironically, when our kids were going to the Waldorf school, he almost completely refused to engage there. He went to a few events in 3 years when there were dozens of opportunities to engage. He wasn’t undermining it I don’t think, but it was clear he wasn’t into it and it didn’t really feel like he tried. It kind of feels like he’s projecting onto me the ways that he was.

It’s also hard to talk to their dad about this topic because he jumps to blaming me for any feelings that our kids are having. He assumes it’s my fault that they feel this way.

He also tells me to focus on the kids, and I finally realized that is a ploy because he’s actually more focused on me as the problem, not on seeing the kids and addressing struggles they’re having.

I’m just tired and I don’t know what to do. Almost every single week my kids have some reason they don’t want to go to school and it’s exhausting. Does anyone have any tips? I don’t want our kids to be suffering because we disagree.

I’d really like to get on the same page and be working together for the well-being of our kids. I think it’s going to require me to let go of a lot.

I’m really torn up and miserable about this. If you comment, can you please do your best to be kind and understanding? If this turns into a Reddit pile-on, I’m probably going to need to delete the post.

Without getting into too much detail I've(33F) decided to transition from a coparenting relationship to parallel parenting. My daughter's (7) father(34M) have had an okay coparenting relationship but I feel like a lot of the effort to make it cohesive comes from me. Sometimes I get triggered by things he does or says because it either feels like he's falling back into old patterns of inconsistency or starts tapping into things that remind me of our relationship prior to me deciding that I wanted nothing to do with him romantically. I do understand that it's on me to work through those triggers but it's hard when I'm constantly being reminded of those things.I hate having to do this b/c our daughter enjoys when we all are together but I just can't to do it. I believe parallel parenting will help me adjust my expectations, hold us both accountable for what we are supposed to do and will help me while I work through this and get my mental health together so I won't be so easily triggered. That being said has anyone gone through a similar transition? For the parallel parents what's your experience like and what have you done to make things conflict free? Also any advice on how to work through triggers like this would be greatly appreciated.

Hi! So my ex has a new partner ever since they started dating, visit with child have been different. Ex does work night so at times it was hard for them to make it to pick up time on their days and would come later 30 to an hour no big deal or ask to reschedule the day before in the morning. But now they will not pick up our child and text the next day sorry that they were sleeping all day or texted at 7pm asking if the can come now that they were sleeping and just woke up but they live 30 mins away and are always late so it’s usually a no at that point. Their new partner got arrested for fentanyl possession early this year and battery which I just found out. My ex has had drug issues in the past as well. Also they have had less a handful of overnight since school started and when child does spend the night they sleep at the boyfriends house and he sleeps on the sofa. I’m worried they are now doing fentanyl because of how the visits are doing and how she is having trouble feeding him at times when he is over there. Ex was also arrested a few years ago for possession of pain pills. Should I bring up my concerns to them and how should I do it? Should I cease visits between them?

My ex and I share our daughter (15) 50/50 so she spends one week with him and one week with me.

Lately there have been things that "come up" where I have to have my daughter a day or 2 longer. I don't mind having my child for extra time but he keeps assuming I'll be ok with it.

I called him out on it and said that I understand things come up but that I am not always available and he shouldn't assume that I am.

This is the first year we're sharing custody so the schedule is a bit more flexible (we booked our holidays before we separated).

Now he's talking about taking 2 consecutive weeks off next summer where i would need to take my daughter for that time.

We had agreed to book our holidays for next year based on the custody arrangement and now he's trying to change it again.

I don't want to get a lawyer involved (as it isn't indicated in our separation agreement) but I'm tired of being taken advantage of.

How can I get better at this without it feeling tense?

Father: high conflict, verbal degradation, threats, twisting words, hashing out disbeliefs, defamation, discord 80% of the time.

Me: understanding, patient, proactive, parallel

Meeting him in that place of dysfunction is not my strong suit, it used to really stir me up and disregulate my emotions but I'm finally in a place where it doesn't pull on my heartstrings, I don't respond, I don't feed into it. But he constantly tries to bait a negative response which also doesn't allow for any "CO" anything to happen. It's all dysfunctional and disregulate and quite frankly, disrespectful more often than not.

How do you not get caught up in explaining yourself when they accuse you of being bitter/difficult etc., when it's very clear that's not the case?

I could use some tips on this as this is not a natural stance for me and I just have to stick to it. No more explaining why his actions are hurtful, no more explaining why I missed a phone call... at 11pm and no that didn't mean I was with someone else.. no more explaining why there is not even a shadow of doubt that we would ever get back together, no more pointing out things he says he believes are his insecurities screaming at me.

Just done holding space for this crap, it doesn't rile up my emotions and my day anymore thank goodness, but it still is very frustrating to be on receiving end of this every couple of weeks and creates such an untrustworthy environment when there's no reason for the outburst

Im not sure what to do here. My ex and I have a good co-parenting relationship for the most part with up’s and down’s of course. Nothing through court regarding visitation etc. My daughter lives with me and my fiancé & visits her bio dad every other weekend. I JUST found out his girlfriend (who he shares another daughter with) was arrested over two months ago. Someone in his family let it slip to me and I looked into it. 4 Charges: Disorderly Conduct, Vandalism, Assault and Battery on a family member, & reckless endangerment of a child(hers).

Considering my daughter has been over there many times now since this incident with no issues, should I continue to let her go.. if you were in this position what would you do?

Assuming a question that may be asked, I spoke to my daughter(6) and asked if she has ever been pushed, hit, scared, etc she says no. She does see them fight and says the gf always has makeup running down her face and is pushing her father. I haven’t been able to get more info than that because she doesn’t remember. But her outlook on them appears to be okay otherwise.

My son likes sports and a lot of his friends are starting to play on school teams. I have tried to talk to his mother about him joining a youth league to get experience, but she says it is too expensive. I offer to pay half, but she says I don't have time, I tell her that maybe once he, makes a couple of friends he can carpool or find something that is mostly weekends. She says I don't want to meet any parents. I live in a different state, so I can't help with that part. What bothers me she refuses to let him gain experience, but she lets him try out for middle school teams he never makes it and he is hard-broken over and over again. Every time he is rejected he goes to school and gets in trouble. The last time this happened I asked her to talk to him, and she said no and now he has two chances left before he is kicked out of school. I talked to him about the effects of rejection, but we had to punish him, so we took his phone and she was only mad that he lied about getting in trouble. Now to my daughter. The other day was picture day she had on a stylish outfit that included a loose tie, some kids called her gay and other names she called her mom to pick her up. The school said they would talk to my daughter to see if she could ID the kids. My daughter claims she has no idea who said it, but am sure she is just scared or embarrassed. I told my ex she should talk to her and explain that it is important to stick up for herself and try to get some information so the school and investigate. She says well it's her choice she doesn't want to talk about and that's it. I'm like what if something worse happens next time are we just going to tell her doesn't have to talk about it and act like everything is okay? I was able to get some information from my daughter and my daughter cried and the mother was mad at me. I also found out that my daughter lied to me about certain things. The mother was not concerned with her lying but punished my son for this. I feel as a woman she would want my daughter to learn how to stand up for herself. My ex buys my kids things, but I feel like she neglects them emotionally. I feel so bad for my kids, but am not sure there is anything I can do?

My daughter is 11 years old. Her biology father died when she was 5. I got into a relationship about a year later and after a few years in my daughter started calling him Daddy. She developed a bond with him. After 4 years him and I ended the relationship but I still let him have visitations of my daughter, for her emotional well being and because she did in fact see him as her daddy. She sees a trauma therapist because of her biological fathers death, at home in front of us and also due to the loss of her brothers that were older when their father died and decided to move out (I was their step mom). She has suffered a lot of loss in her short life. She also has a developmental delay as well as many physical and developmental disabilities. She is on a 7 year old level at 11 years old. Her trauma therapist suggested I allow her to have that continued relationship with her non biological father for her emotional health and I agree 100% . I started dating someone else about a year ago and he is constantly flipping out about the whole situation. I tried to explain to him that this is for my daughter, that she developed that bond and I don't want to cut it off and cause her heartache. But my current boyfriend keeps saying it's a way to Keep my ex as a back up plan, in my back pocket and he only wants to see my daughter cause he hasn't let me go. This is anything but true. My boyfriends jealousy comes in waves. He freaks out and then says he's sorry and then not even a week later he will freak out again. He doesn't even any me to talk to the nonbiological father figure but how can I not when he has visitations. I don't know how much more to take from my boyfriend. He knew that this was part of the deal when we started dating. He says I'm picking my ex but in reality I'm picking my daughter.

Currently dad has our child during the week and I (mom) have child on the weekends. It’s definitely not the schedule I want at all, however, that is in the works. In the meantime I enjoy and soak up as much time as I have w my child. Here’s the issue right now, every time my child goes back w dad, dad ALWAYS sends me a message about how I am irresponsible and put our child in situations that he should not be in. I always look out for the best and safety of our child when w me. It’s interesting how my child tells dad every last minor detail about the weekend spent with me, but when I ask how it went at dads all I get is “good”

Me(22) and my husband (24) have currently been married for 4 yrs since I was 18. We recently had a baby together this past year. Before baby the relationship was hell, he cheated on me countless of times and for that reason I moved out and cheated twice. Idk how but I ended up back like always and since then had a baby w him. Baby is now 9 months and we are starting to end our nights with convos about splitting. Tn he said there’s just something about me he doesn’t know what it is but that he just doesn’t know anymore. I told him when someone feels like that about a person that means they don’t like them. Basically don’t know what to do I feel like such a failure and wish I never got pregnant beciase now I have to put my innocent daughter in the middle of this. I wish I could turn time around and never pursued him. In other words I’m extremely sad right now and don’t know what to do. Plz any advice

How do parents deal with a step parent that over steps boundaries? I have my son a few days a week and the rest of the time he’s at his moms. His mom has a boyfriend that is around my son more than I am and acts like he’s his dad. It’s nice that he has another role model in his life but at the same time it hurts so bad seeing another guy do things with my son that I should be doing. I always fear that my son will grow up not thinking I’m his real dad because his mom is the type of person to turn him against me. How do other parents handle step parents that over step boundaries?

I'm early in my journey and looking for wisdom from those who have some to share. Ultimately, I'd love this to be how to thrive and not just survive.

I reached out to my coparent letting him know I would like to have our child see a therapist. In the past he was very resistant to this. He is asking what the issue is, and I would like help with my response to him. I am trying my best to grey rock things with him, as we are high conflict, and I don’t want anything I say to create unnecessary communication. Would it make sense to just say “she is having a lot of feelings. And while I think it’s very healthy she is comfortable talking about them, I think a therapist would benefit her as well.”?

I worry that if I give him more specifics he will bring this up with her, argue with me, and use it against me. Please let me know your thoughts!

Hi all,

I hope it's ok to post here. I am having some issues with my daughter's dad. I will try and be brief but there's a lot going on...

Basically he moved out 2 years ago. Our relationship broke down more like 7 years ago and we've been not really together since 5 years ago, but the split was slowed by covid and also him fully refusing to accept things were over. Like he refused to speak about one of us moving, refused to speak to the bank about our shared mortgage, threatened me that he would take my daughter away (she is 8). So it was a v stressful breakup.

We have coparented really well though. He lives just over the road and kid goes back and forth daily. This is unusual but she asked for that schedule when he first went and we wanted her to be happy, so we agreed, while saying it would need to be flexible. We also have dinner together once a week, the three of us, and spend birthdays and Christmas together.

It's all gone fine and we have been swapping the odd week around and things over holidays, either to take her away or for one of us to travel. I admit I travel a lot more, just for fun, and I have taken maybe 10 long weekends in the past year. This was fine and she was happy and so was he.

Then he found out I was seeing someone, casually really, and flipped out. This person is not someone I was going to introduce to the family yet, I wanted to wait and see if it might go somewhere. He lives in another city though so I travel to see him or he comes here, and kid will stay with her dad - which has been fine.

Apparently it is no longer fine and I got so many emails (some 3000w long) and texts filling whole screens on my phone (including personal abuse) over the past 7 weeks. He says I am not allowed to swap days anymore and he will give me a maximum number of requests per year.

I spoke to the police and they said his communication does cross the legal threshold for harassment.

I wanted to move to weekly swaps as I became kind of aware he's exerting a lot of control through this, but also to reduce the changes to our kid's routine. He refuses this and wants to go to mediation or court (we are in the UK).

I am not sure what to do. I am happy with daily and kid prefers it, but dealing with him daily and him having this... say over my time is stressful. I do see that what I do affects him (in terms of swapping his plans). We always make up the days so she is with us 50/50. I'm not sure whether to push for weekly when kid doesn't really want that, or to kind of accept this for a while.

I am not making these changes just for the guy I am seeing, it's more that this has made me realise that in a way I never actually escaped the relationship.

I don't think an 8 year old should be calling the shots, either, but obviously what she wants matters.

I'm sorry if I didn't explain this well. Any advice welcome.

I share my child with my ex fiancé who has verbally, mentally, emotionally and physically abused me. I have put in a protective/restraining order with the court but of course that hasn’t been completed yet and he hasn’t been served as of yet. I have an appointment Monday with an attorney so I can figure out the legality of all of this. Here’s my dilemma he wants to come by this weekend to see our child, I don’t want to be around him due to safety concerns. But I also know that he’s still the dad and I don’t want to put my child between us, as that is not fair. What would you do? Help. Because I’m honestly so lost and confused. I want what’s best for my child while also keeping my child safe.

So we have a court order in place. My son is 7. I won custodian parent after his mom went to jail..that’s a different story. He goes to his mom every other weekend (every 2 weeks). Back in August my son was using the restroom and blurted randomly “mommy toilet broken, and her sink and tub!” My wife and I asked “oh well where do you pee and poop?” He replied “she takes me outside or I have to pee in a cup.” We’re thinking maybe it’s temporary. Her next weekend , a hurricane hits and she mention she will be staying at her uncles house until her house has electricity. We decided not to mention it and just hoping maybe everything will be fixed by then. A month goes by she’s back to her house. Our son mention her toilet and tub is still broken.

Well this past Sunday she was late to drop him off and had said her grandfather is driving them. Which I thought was odd he was coming, but this gave me the opportunity to be able to ask him bc the house she’s living in is for her grandfather. He doesn’t live there anymore. She gets out the car and the first thing she tells me “I wanted to tell you face to face but I got in a car accident with him (our son) I’m furious at this point bc why are you telling me now..3 days later? This explains why her grandfather had to drive her there. I’m mad bc this is how she ended up in jail. She took a client car from the dealership she worked at the time and got into a car accident with my son in it. I had no idea about this until she went to jail for it. Mind you my son was living with her at the time.

I asked is there even running water at the house to her grandfather and he said there should be. She completely flipped out on me and said I was lying. I immediately walked away and got into the car with my son. I asked him are you sure it’s broken. He said yes daddy I went pee outside in the grass today.

My son has a speech delay but he knows enough words to explain things. I believe him. It’s either her grandfather doesn’t know about the water or saving face for her. She refuses to provide any details of the accident and said accident reports are publicly online and for me to find it. Is it worth it to call CPS? Should I file a motion in contempt against her? Tell me is it worth it.

Before you come at me, my son mother is always lying and hiding things. I can’t trust anything she says anymore. Exactly why she got caught and went to jail.

Hello, FTM to a 2 month old. His dad and I are not together and live about 2 hours away from each other. Long story short I decided to stay in the area I live in because it's close to my job and my family which I'm super close to. He drives to me on his days off and stays 2-3day at my house to be with my baby and help out (which is another issue on its own) He does his laundry, takes showers and stuff like that at my house. I'm currently not working because I'm with my baby and am on maternity leave. I don't get my full paychecks. I told him that I would need help with rent because he is also staying there. He agreed but when I asked for this months rent (not full rent because I would still pay more than half and utilities) he says he had just given me money. I told him that was for this month and now I need it for next month. He basically goes to tell me that I chose to be here without consulting him and chose this place to live so why is he obligated to pay. That he is only here to see his son and that is why he stays in my house. Since I chose to stay close to my family why not ask them for money to pay for rent. He says he should only be responsible for baby stuff and not me. Asking how long would he have to help me pay for rent. Am I in the wrong for asking this of him? I understand he drives to us and helps cook sometimes but a lot of the time I have to clean up after him around the house and he only makes food when he's hungry. He doesn't eat breakfast so when I was first postpartum I would literally have to push myself out bed after feeding my newborn and make myself breakfast and not even finish because my baby would start crying again. He is not gentle with my baby and when I tell him he says it's not like baby is going to break and that's why he has me to be nurturing and it's his responsibility to basically toughen him up in other words. It's a lot more stuff that I wish I could say but then this post would be way too long. He isn't a bad guy and does good sometimes too but l'm just at a loss now.

I am a single mother who had my daughter out of wedlock. What are my options to getting custody of her even if it is 50/50 custody? I cannot afford an attorney right now, but what other options do I have?

My STBXW & I are splitting up. We have a beautiful 2 year old girl & wish to be amazing coparents for her. We are friendly & amicable with each other & get along really well, but it just wasn’t working as a married couple. I know the next steps are extremely crucial in solidifying a good coparenting relationship & I keep reading about horror stories. Please give me some coparenting success stories as I’m looking for some motivation & hope! Thank you 🙏🏼

Hi all!

How do you handle birthday parties during other parents parenting time? Especially when it is a birthday party for someone in YOUR circle.

For example, my son’s dad is supposed to have him this Saturday. But there’s a birthday party for my son’s cousin (my side of the family) that he wants to attend right in the middle of the afternoon. And another one next Saturday for one of his good friends, who is MY best friends daughter.

My son is only 4 so he can’t really communicate wanting to go to his dad or call him himself lol. But he’s aware of the parties and wants to go.

How do you handle things like this?

In trying to discuss holidays with my coparent they are demanding they get our child every Christmas eve while Christmas day and all other holidays rotate every year. I'm planning on getting an order in place but I wanted to see if this was even a thing or if a judge will look at that demand and see that it's ridiculous. I think it should rotate with Christmas day if that's what we are doing. They've decided to just ignore me now about anything regarding our child and I'm wondering if this is something people actually do I guess.

Wanting to see how everyone is doing new teen drivers as far as who pays for buying a car, insurance, gas etc. SD does not come to our house. BM reached out to DH requesting buying SD a brand new car and splitting the payments. DH has discussed of going half on a used car under 2-3 grand for her first car. BM is not going for that. DH has even mentioned SD can borrow one of our vehicles and we put her on our car insurance but SD and BM pays for gas and splits the cost of insurance. SD is unable to get a job due to school and sports. They both have declined accepting the vehicle. All our vehicles have over 200k miles and over 10-20 years old. How has others done this? My DH is at a loss and does not want to buy her a brand new car.

My co-parent does not consistently attend our child's doctor’s appointments, despite having the right to be there. Our child has frequent medical appointments, making it feel like a full-time responsibility. Out of 20 recent appointments, my co-parent has attended only 6, often arrives late on their days, and doesn’t assist with necessary paperwork, even when asked. When procedures like shots are needed, I reach out for their approval, but they rarely show up for those visits.

As the primary caregiver handling most of these appointments, the stress has become overwhelming, and I feel it may be best to seek sole legal custody. An attorney informed me that while my co-parent has the right to attend appointments, it’s entirely their choice, which feels unbalanced and unfair. Given that my co-parent receives alerts for every appointment, I’ve stopped sending reminders; if they have questions, I direct them to contact the doctor directly.

Our child is potentially on the autism spectrum, which requires consistent care and support. However, there’s a lack of reliability from my co-parent, including late pickups, constant arguments, and absence at critical appointments. This inconsistency, combined with their actions, feels less about parenting and more about using our child as a means of control.

In Florida, the presumption is for 50/50 custody, but I am unsure how to proceed given these ongoing issues.

note I used ai to clean up my ramblings. Sorry lol

This is a throw away account. My question is at the end.

• • name changed for privacy

** - to clarify

I (F) have been divorced from my ex (M) since 2016, out of that marriage we had 1 daughter who is currently 9yo.

I wanna give a small back story. I left my ex in 2016. Our relationship was toxic and I didn't want our daughter to grow up in the same type of household I did. It wasn't the best in the beginning but we got to a pretty decent place in our co-parenting and it has been going really good (imo) Shortly after I left my ex I met my now husband. He has been in my daughters life since before she was 1.

Around 2018/2019 my ex decided to move closer to were I live so it could be easier, once our daughter started school. She didn't end up going to school until 2021 (she would of been 6/7yo) due to not being sure how covied was going to go, we agreed to wait.

Some time after she started kg my ex met his now wife. To say that things appeared to move fast for them is putting it lightly. They met and shortly after that she asked to meet me. We met and had lunch together. It went well and we got to know each other. They moved in together sometime around there. Time went on and we did, I'd say typical co-parent things (all 4 of us) with/for our daughter.

In 2023 right after my ex and his wife had their daughter a call was made to cps, for their apartment having bugs. (I had never been inside it was very small and had 4-5 people leaving there.) And for a year after they kinda just floated around, first her parents, then his moms, then back to her dad's, and then finally they had burned to many bridges and stayed in a hotel for a little while.

When all this was going on my daughter's behavior had started to change while with her dad/step-mom. We chalked it up to all the stress of not having their own place and moving alot.

things also stated to become my daughters fault more. Even when she was admitted that some things step mom would say where her fault, weren't. (Step mom has 4 other kids)

For Xmas last year I got my daughter a flip phone so she can talk with her dad as much as she wants. As she goes to school here and lives here most of the time. She would see her dad every other weekend. Or when ever he was free he could come see her or get her. Nothing is really set besides making sure week both get weekends with her.

Everything up til February of this year was going rather well (so I thought)

My daughter does take her phone when she goes to her dad's just like any kid would. On a day she was coming back she called me and asked what time we would be meeting (At this point she was 8)

I explained it was the normal time around 530. She tells me "I'm bored because i can't watch anything for the rest of the day because I had a messy face at dinner last night."

I asked what she means she half explains "step-mom said I can't watch anything all day because I was messy when i ate dinner last night." (It was lasagna) I asked my daughter where her dad was and if he knew about this. She said "he's right here and I'm not sure if he knows." I tell my daughter that I'm going to call her dad so we can talk about this.

I call my ex- I asked if he knew about this punishment and if he was okay with it. He tells me he didn't know and has our daughter explains more on what happend and why she couldn't watch anything (he didn't realize she hadn't watched anything all day at this point or that she hadn't asked if she could. )

After we both listened to what she said I asked him if he had agreed to this and he replied "I didn't even know about it until now. I don't agree and it doesn't make sense." I said as long as we both agree this is a little much for having some food on her face. And we ended the call.

The day went on and i received this message in our group chat from his wife: Just letting you know that daughter* has the same rules as the other kids. She has not been able to watch TV today because she watched it all afternoon until dinner time yesterday. We make sure all the kids have time away from the electronics. By telling her that she doesn't have to listen to me especially while dad* is at work ensures her relationship with me and the other kids are strained. So since she doesn't have to listen to me or follow rules like the other kids she will have to go back to your house while dad* works. And she was even offered to do something fun like go to the park and she said she only wanted to watch tv.

This was my reply: I understand that you have rules for everyone. An I never said that daughter* shouldn't listen to you while ex* isn't the around. I said (to ex**) that you and him and daughter* all need to be on the same page when it comes to the expectations you both expect from daughter* when she is there, with ex* there or not. Because she seems to be confused. I also don't agree with tv being taken for a whole day. If a walk was brought up and she had already been watching TV for a decent amount of time then you just turn the TV off and do the activity that's being offered. Sometimes she needs that.

I think somethings are to be left up to ex* and my self. But that doesn't take away from you or husbands* roles in her life.

(She left the ground chat and unfriended me on fb. 🤷‍♀️)

I'm just going to list the things that have happened since: •My daughter told me she is afraid of her step mom. •my ex, our daughter and myself had a sit down in public to talk about the fact that she is afraid of step mom. Where my ex told me he is also afraid of her. (I have proof) and where the first small accusation of having an affair was made by his wife. •my daughter had a broom and poked her step sister with it while she was holding the baby and step mom called ex at work to have me come get her but he didn't know the address, she wouldn't tell him what it was. He gave me directions on how to get there. When I was on the way I called daughter to let her know. When I got their I called to let her know to come outside. They weren't there and had gone to the gas station when I called before. •that same day my daughter said she had only ate 1 time that day and it was a pop tarts (it was 530pm before I could get her) •daughter started telling me how when she's in trouble there that step mom makes her sit in her bed all day and do nothing. •she has had to sneak to go to the bathroom at her dad's. •step mom has told her that because of her behavior I won't want her any more. •step mom told her she didn't deserve her birthday presents. •step mom has told her that she doesn't love her baby sister. •she's not allowed around her step sisters any more. •step mom called her a bad sister for handing the baby to their dad so they could group hug. •step mom told daughter I should have to do all the driving both ways when getting and dropping off daughter. (ex and I have always done half way meeting.) So I told ex what was said by his wife to daughter, and that I was going to find the actual half way point and we could meet there from now on. •daughter told her half sister (my daughter) her step mom was stupid. which led to talk about name calling (daughter had never called step-mom any names before this to me, only what was happening) daughter broke down crying and explained that it has actually always been this way since step mom moved in and that she didn't say anything because "I didn't want dad to lose any one else because he has lost so much already." •ex took daughter to get ice cream after work and when they came back ex and i talked outside on my front porch because I wanted to see if things had changed or got better and when it could of back to normal. Ex started to talk about how he felt like she had been lying to him about how she felt about step mom for all this time. I explained how she was thinking about him and not herself. But she was thinking of herself now. While this convo was happening she accused us of having an affair again. (The convo was about 30 mins long.) •when we met at the new meeting stop she told him he should have made me meet him at the "normal spot" and that I was controlling him. An again accused us of having an affair. •step mom doesn't like how we parent our daughter and thinks we should spank her. •most recently- step mom told daughter she didn't give a fuck about her sister, that she didn't give two fucks about her sister. Because the baby got into some mousse and that supposedly daughter was supposed to be watching her, but no one told her she was and her dad had actually turned the TV on for her so she didn't think she was watching her.

(Those aren't in order but I did my best and i know im missing some stuff but its 3am currently its alot to recall)

Daughter doesn't want to be alone with her step mom and as of the last time ex has told her to only come to him for stuff and he is always off when she goes over there, if she chooses to go. he doesn't force her to and will come see her here or come get her and take her out.

If something happens while she's there she either calls, text me, or tells me after school on Mondays. She even told my friend about one of the times listed above because my friend picked up my kids from school.

I have confirmed proof from her dad that she is doing these things/ saying these things to her- in front of her dad- through text.

So I'm stuck. I'm not sure how to help my daughter because I'm putting trust in her dad that when things are bad that he's doing things to make it better.

He thinks his wife hates our daughter and has supposedly asked her family to figure out why that is because when he asks she says "I don't hate her, I don't like her actions and I could love her."

What do I do

There were a couple of very intriguing comments on my post about what you wish you had included. So this is the opposite of that one.

What do you wish you had never put in your custody agreement? Please give a why if it's not obvious. Thanks!

So my ex and I split in 2022 due to her infidelity. We share a daughter (D) and after the split I was prevented from seeing D.

I had to fight to gain access to our D which I eventually did via a court order in 2023. At the time, Child Services had concerns about parental alienation by my ex towards me, but that was never proven to the court.

Thanks to the court order I now enjoy a decent relationship again with my daughter. Me and the ex have also tried to co-parent D and things have been very amicable this past year.

Flash forward to now and I find out that my ex is now pregnant (not mine). This news didn't come from her but a friend, so its far from ideal. This came as a shock, as I didn't even know that she was seeing anyone. But that isn't any of my business, nor do I really care.

My issue and what I DO care about, is my ex confirms that D has already met this guy and spent time with him, probably even more soon (with the baby). Yet D has never mentioned him to me once and when questioned my ex admits that D was told not to as “he isn’t my business”

After doing my own research, the consensus is i should have been consulted before a meet up. That time having passed, I have asked to meet this new guy. Its clearly serious if they are starting a new family and will be including D. But I want to make sure he is a decent person as he will be spending lots of time with D. My ex has refused as apparently he doesn't want to meet me and I should "trust her judgment".

After the infidelity and court order battles, I cannot trust her at all. I am also skeptical and worried about this new guy now.

Yes, I am worried about him forcing me out and trying to father my daughter. Especially after I fought so hard to regain access that my ex prevented. However, I am concerned that I know nothing about this new guy and D has been told not to tell me anything. That has me worried.

I have tried raising my concerns with the ex but her reaction is "your being controlling". I think I have a right to be worried about D and her mum is just gaslighting me.

Would welcome others views.

My ex has become religious since we split 10 years ago, and doesn't celebrate any holidays. My daughter told him we are going trick or treating for Halloween and he is telling her it's evil and telling her to tell me it's evil. There's no reasoning with him so that's out of the question.. he believes what he believes. But how do I navigate this ? He's counteracting me about these holidays to our daughter. I let her dress up and particiapte.. it makes her happy. I personally don't have an issue with holidays.

EDIT FOR CLARITY: I don't care that he doesn't celebrate holidays but he is trying to discourage our daughter from celebrating with me and is giving me a hard time about celebrating. I don't tell him what he can and can't do in his home.