How do you delegate responsibilities of the children? How do you navigate being a step parent with a HCBM? How do you cope with having to be responsible for children who don’t listen/respect you as an adult, much less a parent? How do you let things go that you’re not okay with because bio parents allow it?

I’m really struggling in every aspect of being a step. I don’t know if I need to vent, or if I’m actually doing something wrong and could use the advice.

Hi But of background, me (42f) and my gf (45f) have been together 2 years. She has a now 17 year old son and I have 3 daughters 15,18 and 19. We live separate and while we get along with each others kids and spend some time together, neither of us parents the others kids.

My kids like her, they think she is kind and sweet. She likes them and they have not done anything to have a negative impact on our relationship, in fact the opposite. Her son however has stressed us all out He has ASD so he has some struggles but he is more capable than he lets on. He can do things, he just chooses not to. He acts out (not meltdowns, malicious behaviour when he doesn’t get his way such as destroying property) acts miserable all the time, says horrid things to everyone, has no respect for his mum, refuses to go to school (in a great tiny special provision) refuses to engage in any support from CAMHS. Basically he is making his mums life miserable and mine along with it. I appreciate he has struggles but his behaviour is beyond that. It’s got to the point that my gf isn’t sure she can keep caring for him because living together isn’t helping either of them. I’ve tried to support her this whole time but I’m now at the point where I want nothing to do with him. I genuinely believe he uses and manipulated my gf because she is scared of confronting him. He accused her of abusing him because she parented him and wouldn’t just tell him take advantage! Thankfully Social services saw it for what it was.

I love her to pieces but he is really making things difficult. I don’t know what to do

Some shelters allow you to name a cat after your ex and have it neutered for Valentine’s day for a donation.

I started this last year, but each year I name a cat after BM and have it named after her and neutered.

It’s very satisfying. And helpful to animals.

My SD 18 came over to "hang" and her dad had to help her with something. She moved out as she wasn't following rules and decided moving out was better (praise baby Jesus)

She was here solo with me for 30 minutes and it was like pulling teeth to have her have a general, conversation with me.

Heavy sighing, not even looking at me when she was talking, nothing.

Her dad walks in the door and BOOM, instant personality change and she seems have found her vocabulary.

I KNOW saying anything to her father about it will cause a fight. I'll get accused of being overly dramatic, taking things so seriously or personally...

UGH!!!

When she's here, she's in a good mood and then like a light switch and she becomes sooky and moody and answers any question in a deep sigh like we just murdered her cat.

I WANT TO SCREAM!

...needed to vent. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

I have been in a relationship for almost 7 years now. My SO (m53) has 3 kids (f24,f21,m18) and I (f43) have two (m21,m11) we had a great start to our relationship, our kids got along great and we lived peacefully until SD 21, turned 18. Prior to this I cooked, I cleaned, I ran SS to football, baseball, and wrestling practice. Ran middle SD to theater practices and performances. Took all of the kids out for lunch/smoothies/haircuts, found fun things to do with everyone. Encouraged and taught the older daughter to drive. Helped the girls with boy problems and helped them find the path in life that they wanted to go. Once SD turned 18, she flipped out on me, told me I was a narcissist, that I wanted to control every aspect of their lives. That I was a horrible person and called me every name under the sun. I was so hurt, immediately went on the defensive and I did yell back. I told her that if I were a narcissist, I wouldn’t be doing everything I did for them. I quit my career to be a stay at home mom to all of the kids (they were homeschooled). After this, dad tried to sit down with us to help mediate, it turned into a yelling match where she just repeatedly told me how horrible I was. She left the house and stayed gone until it was time for her to leave for college. She’s been home 2 times since then. I’m pretty sure that this ruined my relationship to his other two kids as they refuse to talk to me unless I actively engage them. And then you can tell that they are doing it begrudgingly. I don’t want to live like this. Every time they are here I feel like a stranger in my own home. My SO doesn’t want to get involved because the last time he did, his middle daughter left home and when he tried to get answers from his other daughter, she quit talking to him until she needed something. I need this fixed, but I’m at a complete loss. I love my SO and don’t want to throw away 7 years, but I’m feeling so hopeless. If you’ve had a situation similar to this, can you please tell me how to fix it. Bashing him is not helpful, I need real advice.

I need advice,So my husbands adult daughter(40) and her daughter came to live with us(his house)for a month.It's now 4 months later and they are still here.I feel trapped,like I am the one that should leave.Am I selfish maybe,but I just can't take it anymore.

I’ve been with my bf for over three years and I’m also 4 months pregnant. I came to be with my bf while he was with his ex gf, they had then a two year old boy. We met at work and had long hours of working together which led to love. They were struggling then even said they were only going to stay because of the child together more than once. Nothing happened between us until he decided to leave her to be with me. She doesn’t believe that and she sees me as the bitch who stole his bf and left her alone with the kid. I understand that but my bf is an incredible father, he gives her a very good childsupport, more than legal, and also takes the child 3 days a week, his mom also helps almost every week as babysitter at her house. My problem is she doesn’t allow me to come for her kid’s birthday. My bf pays money for this party, also will go there in the morning to help with all preparations, his familiy will also go together with her family, have lunch and then the kids party starts, where he will stay until late helping cleaning and carrying stuff to her house. This makes me feels so upset and less important. I feel like he is there playing family with her and no one won’t even mention my name, I’m like the devil who broke them, and the other half just pities my situation. I do understand her but at the same time I’m so angry and sad. Telling him not to go to his kid’s birthday is a no go and it’s not like I want to spend time there with her and her family who hates me, so what can be the solution or agreement? Should I just ignore that day in the year?

I’m not even sure where to begin. In a moment of utter madness the other night I looked at my OH’s phone, I was going to read his messages to his ex. He hasn’t done anything for me to be suspicious of, a combination of feeling horrific about myself at the moment and unpicking some serious issues in therapy led to me doing something awful that I know I shouldn’t have done. Initially I lied but then told the truth when he questioned me further. Now we are over and my heart is broken.

I have found it difficult and a big adjustment, being in a relationship with someone still (appropriately) entwined with their ex due to their children. And I am devastated that I won’t see his children again, I did love them and it hurts so much that my actions led to this. I just don’t know what to do. We haven’t spoken in person yet, I’m just devastated and ashamed and so unbelievably sad. How on earth do I get past this? I don’t even know really how I ended up here.

For some background, my husband and I have been married for less than a year. He has a 7 year old little girl with a HCBM. I am completely NACHO when she is around (every other weekend). SD and HCBM live 3 hours away and dad does all the driving because BM was banned. Even though I am NACHO, her being in my home is disruptive, the TV is dominated, my husband’s time is dominated etc. Not once has he ever shown that I will come first, not even when my dad died last year. He speak to her and BM every day, he even spoke to them on our honeymoon. Every conversation he has with anyone leads back to his child.

We are away today and sat having a nice meal when he brought his daughter up. He started explaining that when he starts working 4 on and 4 off he will see his daughter less. He then looked at the Calendar and noticed that every other month (roughly) he will have every weekend off. That’s when he turned around and said “I’ll be able to have her every weekend in those months. I also book a hotel to stay down there for a night on weekdays.” My heart sank. I’m off every weekend and that now means that I’ll either be alone for the weekend (when he’s working) or my weekends will be dominated by a child. He doesn’t see it from my side, he says he does but he won’t change anything.

Another thing, we had been trying for a baby and now I’m not sure I want one. I grew up with a mother who always put my sister first, my grandparents were the same and it hurt so bad when I was old enough to see it and it’s my biggest fear to bring a child into this world feeling that they are not worthy in their parents lives. His child will come first because he has never shown my otherwise. He will continue to bend over backwards for his daughter and I can’t allow my child to see that, nor can I allow my child’s home be dominated by another all the time.

Honestly, I feel like my marriage would be a very happy one of this child and her mother didn’t exist. I know it sounds horrible but him having a child has taken so much from me.

✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️

Sooo about a week ago i found out that SS(15) made a Facebook profile, hubs and i agreed years ago that fb would be a thing when the kids turn 18. That they were to only have Instagram and snapchat. I brought it to my husband's attention and he was unaware also. Well the next day we discussed it more and apparently this isn't the first time SS has done this(made fb profiles with out asking ) ...I was unaware. So hubs said he'd bring it up with SS and his mother so they both could address it ...this was Friday and of course I wasn't informed with how that went...logged in to fb and the profile is still there? I have 4 kids and even with SS present we've discussed social media and how to use it (SS's profile pic is him flicking off the camera). I'm so frustrated that nothing ever goes through, my 4 respect the rules (most of the time haha bc they're kids duh) ..... and he (SS) doesn't have to bc his mom thinks this is ok? (Side note SS mom let's him walk around her neighborhood at 12am and a bucket list of other things....) I've disconnected from SS (meaning i do not want to not get involved with anything ) but am I wrong for being mad bc the others follow rules? I'm definitely mad at hubs bc I'm not being informed but in the same sense I disconnected, so why should I care? I'm so conflicted 😐 I guess I'm just disgusted that this behavior is ok and we're essentially being walked over? Idk at this point SS can just go live with his mother 😬

Having an issue that you just want a quick vent about and not an entire post? This is the place! This daily post is not very active, but it's a great place for a quick vent .

Every weekend brings new challenges. I resent the other parent for interfering with custody in our home for over seven years. I’m angry at my significant other for allowing it, and I’m frustrated with the courts for having ineffective laws that offer no real protection from a co-parent who exhibits Munchausen, narcissistic, and borderline traits.

To minimize interactions with the other parent, we had to reduce visits to every other weekend. It’s an impossible situation—one that no court, no partner, and certainly not I can fix. The pain of being repeatedly undermined and manipulated is unbearable.

And what do the courts do? Nothing. Because the abuse isn’t directed at the child—it’s aimed at us. On paper, everything looks fine, but in reality, the damage is obvious. Yet, since the child doesn't want to drag mom down, no one steps in.

So what choice do we have but to protect ourselves? And in doing so, the child loses an involved parent. Every other weekend here. Abuse is insidious.

He loves to joke about it and bring it up all the time. S/o thinks it's hilarious and I think it's rude and creepy. I really don't want to know this about the woman that he dumped his load into. Should I start referring to my own breasts with this same nickname, as long as he's so entertained by it? Or should I start joking about the funny nicknames I had for my ex's dick? Am I being too petty? Because it's starting to piss me off. Feel free to let me know if I need to chill.

I’m stepmom for 9 years old boy. 3 years ago this boy and his father were abandoned by his mother. She simply left for another partner. During this entire time she did not care about the child and did not pay child support, did not take him to her home even for one day a week, did not take him to school and was not interested in his education. She did not buy him anything even when he needed. The child lived with his father 7 days a week. He devoted himself 110% to this child. He started working part-time so that he could take him to school and pick him up on time. That’s why this man have so much respect in my eyes…

I have been with them for a year now, the father of this child was alone for a long time and when I started live with them, The mother of the child suddenly started wanting the child back. Threatening me and my partner that she would destroy us and get us to prison. She simply felt jealousy and rejection from the child and suddenly started getting involved in everything related to the child.

This child started calling me mom, he loves me very much and thanks me sometimes (usually before he goes to sleep) that I don't want to leave them like his stupid mother (this is what always make me cry…). He often cries that he doesn't want to go to her, but he has to. Because she filed a lawsuit and now there's a battle going on for this child.

And now I have a question related to this...

This child likes to just come and hug me, he always hugs me when I take him to school, every time I pick him up HE IS THE FIRST TO COME AND HUG ME.

The biological mother started threatening me that if she sees me hugging her child again, she will sue me for violating the boundaries of her child's inviolability.

If the child wants to hug me and goes first, and I just hug the child back, can she really sue me?

I'll tell you right away that everything is under cameras. Because my partner and I don't want slander. The police advised us to do so

Hey yall, I have a stepson that is talking on the phone with his girlfriend at 5am when he said he was going to bed. I am his stepmom and dad is already in bed. Should I make him go to sleep? This has never happened before and I don't want to be unfair. He is failing in school and skipping class to see her, so there are already behavioral issues.

Hey Stepparents,

If you've been here for awhile, you are aware of the existence of Saferbot on our sub. If you aren't aware, we break it down in the wiki. Take a moment to review it!

What the Bot Does

Saferbot is a history ban bot. It bans users who participate in known troublesome subs that have a history of harassing users here and brigading our posts.

How it Works

Saferbot monitors the other subs and immediately bans anyone who comments there. Please note, human beings are not doing the banning. We have neither the time, nor inclination, to monitor other subs. Saferbot runs on its own with only instructions from us on what subs to add to its list.

Why We Use It

We intend for this sub to be a safe space for stepparents to discuss their issues and struggles without being told they are literally The Worst for existing. Sometimes we experience jealousy, resentment, and other not pretty feelings. We have a right to express them in a healthy way without a bunch of assholes scolding us for being human. And unfortunately, the subs we've had to add to the ban list have a history of users strolling in here giving people grief for being a flawed human being with feelings they are trying to sort through.

The mod team does not take these decisions lightly and we often let things ride for a bit before taking drastic actions. But seeing users repeatedly delete their accounts after being harassed, or having to clean up increasingly rude and hostile comment chains from people who literally have no idea what your life is actually like, has prompted us to take action.

Notes

Meta posts asking about this will be removed. Comments about this, other than those on this thread discussing the issue, will be removed. Vile mod mail will be reported to Reddit.

Please do not link to the subs mentioned in the wiki. They are linked for transparency and we don't care to have ongoing discussions about them.

How to Appeal

If you are a stepparent and you've been caught up in the ban, and you want the support that this community offers, reach out to the mod team. If you can show us where on reddit you are discussing being a stepparent, we'll do our best to work with you. To be perfectly clear, if you aren't a stepparent, or we review and see we've had to remove comments from you in the past, we are probably not going to lift the ban.

Reply to the ban message and let us know that you'd like to appeal. Include link(s) to any unedited posts or comments that you made prior to the ban indicating that you are a stepparent. The posts or comments do not have to be on this sub specifically, but show us where you have indicated that you are a stepparent somewhere on reddit prior to being banned. This will save us time and eliminate the need for a mod to attempt to scour your post history.

Below you will find a weekly reminder of our Rules and partial FAQ. It's definitely a long read, but it's worth your time, especially if you are new to the community, or dropping by as a result of a link you found elsewhere. We periodically revise our rules, this weekly notice will help keep you informed of any changes made.

NOTE: These rules are guidelines. Some moderation discretion is to be expected.

Community Rules

1. Kindness Matters

Advise, don't criticize.

• Post with empathy, thoughtfulness, and constructive commentary rather than judgment. Don't be an asshole.
• Name-calling, slurs (including gender or race based slurs), and insults towards other community members will not be tolerated. Do not attack others for their personally held values, custody situation, marital status, physical distance from stepkids, or economic status; or on the basis of race, sex, sexual orientation, age, religion, or ethnicity.
• No name-calling toward children, including the above-mentioned insults or the term "skids", or terms such as "mini-wife" or "mini-husband."
• Comments advocating spanking or any mention of wanting to harm children are not allowed.
• This is a support sub, not a judgement sub, assholes are not tolerated. Comments with terms used in other subs to pass judgement on assholes will be removed.

2. No Drama

This is a support sub.

• Bickering, nitpicking, and thread derailment will not be tolerated and will be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
• Do not repeatedly badger a poster demanding answers, or refuse to acknowledge an answer that's already been given.
• Do not use sensitive issues from past posts (either from this sub or other subs) to attack another user, as we are all discussing vulnerable topics.
• Crossposting anything from /r/stepparents to any other subreddit might result in a ban and may result in the original thread being locked. Brigading our sub will result in an immediate ban.

3. Report, Don’t Rant

No backseat modding.

• If you see someone breaking the rules, report the post or comment to the mods rather than engaging them in an argument. Failure to do so may be subject to comment removal at moderator discretion.
• No meta posts complaining about rude comments, DMs, or general sub issues.
• If you think someone is a troll or previously banned user, either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.

4. No Naming & Shaming

No userpings or links.

• Tagging/pinging users or other subreddits in an attempt to bully, harass, or complain will not be tolerated. Do not tag other subs, ever.
• If you want to complain about another subreddit being hostile to stepparents, do not name the subreddit. "Other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice.

5. No Platitudes

Nobody knew what they were getting into.

• Comments like "You knew what you were getting into", "Love them, love their kids!", "They're a package deal!" and "You have to love them like your own!" will be removed.
• Comments suggesting that OP is not cut out for stepparenting will be removed at moderator discretion.
• Comments like "This is just a part of parenting, deal with it!" will be removed at moderator discretion.

6. No Trolling

We have zero tolerance for trolls.

• This is a support sub. Our subscribers do not have the time, nor inclination, to provide support to internet trolls. Posts that are suspected to be trolling attempts will be immediately removed, and the poster banned.
• Concern trolling, devil's advocating, gish-galloping, sealioning, and general asshattery are subject to immediate removal and banning without warning or notice.
• Any attempt to circumvent the ban by creating a new username will be reported to reddit admins and possibly result in account suspension.

7. No Personally Identifiable Information

Use discretion when posting.

• We highly recommend using a separate account for support subs to help prevent being doxxed. Do not post any information that may allow others to figure out your identity.
• Do not post photos of children, or any other photo that could be used to identify you or another user on the sub.
• Any image that contains a name or other identifying information should have the name or identifying information blurred out. This includes drawings, notes, and screenshots.
• Do not link to social media or any articles/blogs where you or another user on the sub is mentioned by name.

8. No More than 2 Posts per 24 hours

Use the daily threads.

• We are not a huge sub, but we are no longer a small sub. If you have multiple grievances to air, use the daily discussion threads instead of multiple posts.

9. Follow Reddiquette

Remember the human.

• Adhere to the same standards of behavior online that you follow in real life.
• Read it in full here.
• Downvoting is reserved for comments that don’t contribute, and shouldn't be used to indicate disagreement.
• If you believe someone is in violation of the subreddit rules, please either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.
• Suspected brigading will be reported to reddit admins.

10. No Porn, Spam, Blogs, or Research Studies/Surveys Without Mod Approval

Just don't.

• This is a SFW subreddit. Posting pornography will result in immediate post removal and permanent ban.
• Advertising on the subreddit (outside of Reddit's own advertising) is not allowed.
• No personal blog posts are allowed without express moderator permission.
• No advertising without prior mod approval.
• No asking for money/posting fundraisers/etc.
• For links to parenting research studies or surveys, please message the mods for permission before posting.

11. Disputes in Modmail Only

Don't argue with the mods on the sub.

• Any issues specifically related to how a mod is moderating should be addressed to the full moderating team via mod mail. This ensures that all mods are aware of any concerns and prevents disintegration of the topic thread at hand.
• This means to do not message or send chat requests to individual mods. All discussion and complaints about mod actions need to be done in mod mail ONLY. Failure to follow this rule can result in an immediate permanent ban.
• Comments in threads asking about mod decisions are subject to removal without notice.

12. Moderator Actions

We aren't kidding.

• Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
• Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
• If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
• New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
• We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
• The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
• We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
• The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.

13. Ban Procedure

These actions are at moderator discretion.

• Pornography will result in an automatic permanent ban.
• Extremely egregious content will result in an immediate permanent ban.
• You may receive a 7 or 30 day temporary ban for first and second rule violations, depending upon severity.
• Continued rule violations will result in a permanent ban.
• Willful attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban.
• We recognize the reddit site-wide rules of using alt names to get around bans and will ban those as well as report them to reddit admins.

​

​

FAQ - About the Rules

What does Kindness Matters mean?

• Shortest version? Don't be an asshole. People come here for support and advice, they do not come here to be yelled at or told they are the reason everything is going sideways. There are ways to point out that someone may want to do some reflection on their own actions and reactions without being an asshole about it.
• The purpose of this subreddit is to provide support and a sense of belonging for struggling stepparents. We aren't here to pass judgement, but rather to offer support, empathy, and constructive commentary. That does not include "hard truths" or "tough love." Stepparents get enough of that in every other subreddit, we're not passing it out here. Be respectful.
• Remember, most people aren't going to come to a sub like this when everything is going great and everyone is getting along. People are coming here when they are down, when they are feeling defeated and stretched to the limit. Kicking someone when they are down is shitty behavior and we don't tolerate it.

What about being kind to the kids?

• "Won't somebody think of the children?" Pearl clutching isn't needed here. If you read the Kindness Matters rule closely, you will see that there is a clause in there about name calling children. We don't allow it. We also don't allow people rolling in telling OP that they feel sorry for their stepkids because OP is feeling overwhelmed and overloaded.
• If anyone is advocating slapping, spanking, or any other form of violence, report the comment immediately. We do not advocate violence towards children of any sort. The mod team does not advocate any sort of physical punishment at any time.
• Venting about behaviors is not the same as insulting the kids. However, if you see a post or comment where kids are being name called or dragged to the point of no return, use the report button. We try to catch the posts and remove them before they hit the sub, but we cannot see every comment without your help. Use the report button to bring problematic comments to our attention. Don't engage in a war of words on our subreddit.

Why is this sub such an echo chamber?

• Not allowing contributors to pile on and tell OP that they are a terrible human being who should never be around children does not equate to being an echo chamber. Many contributors here will offer OP suggestions to help them work through their resentments and frustrations, and the most egregious situations are called out. We simply ask that it be called out with respect.
• If you feel that a post is simply too much for you to handle without following the rules, move on to another post.
• If you believe that a post itself is crossing the rules report it. If the mod team has approved the post, it is because the mod team believes that the OP needs help from the community or needs a moment to vent and move on from their vent. That does not give you license to pile on disrespectfully. Unless it is proven that OP is a bot, assume that OP is a human being with real thoughts and feelings and has posted from a place of vulnerability.

Why can't I tell OP that they are an asshole?

• Because this isn't a judgement sub. We aren't AITA, we don't want to be AITA.
• Comments with terms like YTA, NTA, ESH, NAH will be removed.
• Don't start your posts with INFO either. We generally recognize that as a fishing attempt for more information to pass judgement on OP, and again, we are not a judgment sub.

But OP asked if they were an asshole?!

• Their post somehow got past our automoderator. Just use the report button. We will address it with OP.
• If you've asked if you are an asshole, a-hole, a*hole, a**hole, whatever, don't be surprised if your post is removed without warning. This isn't a judgment sub. If you want judgment, you know where to go.

What is a gendered slur?

• While it seems that everyone understands what racist slurs are, people struggle understanding the concept of gendered slurs. Generally speaking, we are talking about derogatory nouns or verbs that are used to negatively describe people or situations based on gendered terms.
• We've gone back and forth on this a few times, and the truth is, we get it, it's your safe space and you want to be able to vent about BM/BD how you want to vent about them, without us telling you how to vent about them. Fair enough. Vent away. What we are going to stick to here how people are referring to other users and to stepchildren.
• Examples that are not allowed:
  • "My SD is such a little bitch."
  • "She dresses/acts like a slut."
  • "My SS acts like a pussy."
  • "My SS is such a beta male."
  • "You are all fucking whores."
  • "Any dude who is raising some sluts kids is a cuck!"
  • "Little Lord Fauntleroy over here thinking he runs the house!"
  • "You're just the bangnanny, get used to it."
• Don't call users here names, don't call stepchildren names.
• Masking the term with asterisks or other neat little tricks might get you around the bot, but if we see it, we're removing it and quite possibly giving you a time out. The intended word is still there and you deliberately tried to skate the rule.
• As there is not enough space to list every term that is offensive and does not belong, nor every situation in which term or phrase may be allowable in context, this rule is enforced based on moderator discretion.

Seriously? You are the language police now?

• We're here to talk about stepparenting. And we would like for that to happen in a respectful way. Attacking each other doesn't help. Belittling stepchildren draws in trolls who don't understand your frustration, all they see is an evil stepmonster talking shit on the internet about a poor, innocent baby. Yes, even if that "poor, innocent baby" just robbed you blind and set fire to the house on their way out the door. That's just how it goes.
• We are aware that this is a relatively new rule and a lot of older posts and comments contain a lot of problematic language, including some from mods themselves. We are growing and evolving, and rules change as the sub grows and evolves.

What does No Drama really mean?

• Pretty much what it says, do not bring drama from other subs into this sub. Do not engage in vote brigades. Do not try to incite other subscribers to riot in a different sub. Don't follow posters into this sub from other subs to continue to harass them. Do not badger someone or derail threads. Do not harass community members because you don't agree with them. There's enough drama in the daily lives of subscribers, more isn't needed.

What is thread derailment?

• When a comment chain has devolved to the point where all you are doing is arguing back and forth with someone about the same thing over and over again, you have derailed the thread. Also known as bickering. It's what children do. We assume if people are in a stepparent role they are adults. We expect you to act like it.
• If you aren't a stepparent, or in a stepparenting role, consider that perhaps this subreddit isn't for you. If you want to participate, do so with respect. Thread derailment, arguing, bickering, and nitpicking are not allowed.

But what if they didn't answer my question?

• No one has to answer your questions. This is a support sub, not an inquisition. Jumping on a bandwagon with "OP is evading the question" in a 20 comment long chain is the epitome of thread derailment. You'll find more information about trolling below and how this might be considered such.

Why am I being silenced? I'm just asking for a back and forth!

• Thread derailment, badgering, and nitpicking are considered harassment. Continued harassment of either community members or mods will get you banned.

Why can't I look at someone's post history and comment about it?

• No mod in the history of this sub has ever once said post histories are forbidden. What we do frown upon is using someone's post history to attack, belittle, or otherwise harass someone.
• Example Post: "My stepkid's mom really hates me. How can I make this better?"
  • Okay: "Based on the timeline and your post history, it looks like this may have started as an affair. Unfortunately there's going to be outstanding issues for a long time due to that. Try focusing on yourself and how you can move forward without worrying about how someone else feels about you."
  • Not Okay: "Holy shit! You were the OW! What the hell do you expect, homewrecker?!"
• Example Post: "I am completely overloaded and feeling very down about myself."
  • Okay: "In your post history you mentioned that your spouse wasn't really helping around the house. Has that changed at all?"
  • Not Okay: "LOL, you already got the answers you need in your post on relationships. You are stupid for sticking with your lazy spouse."

Why can't we crosspost stuff to other subs?

• We can't stop you from doing so. The problem isn't that something has been crossposted, it's when the community that it's been crossposted to feels the need to come over here and harass OP. When we see that happening, we lock the post and start passing out bans. If you did the crossposting, you'll be banned. If you participated in the brigading, you'll be banned.

What if it's my own post?

• Again, we can't stop you from doing so. We prefer that you don't technically crosspost, but rather just copy and paste your post. Why? Because inevitably the above will happen. Redditors from other subs will follow you back to /r/stepparents and start attacking users here. It just happens.

What is "brigading"?

• Reddit defines vote manipulation and brigading as follows:
• Using multiple accounts, voting services, or any other software to increase or decrease vote scores.
• Asking people to vote up or down certain posts, either on Reddit itself or through social networks, messaging, etc. for personal gain.
• Forming or joining a group that votes together, either on a specific post, a user's posts, posts from a domain, etc.
• We, along with pretty much every other subreddit that has ever had to deal with this nonsense, further define brigading as this: You saw a post on another sub that linked to our sub either via a link in a comment or a crosspost. It was basically saying something along the lines of "OMG, check out these assholes over on /r/stepparents*! They literally hate all their stepkids!"* And then you and your friends come over and start hammering on OP and telling OP how much they suck. Congrats, you have just participated in a brigade.

What is this whole Report, Don't Rant thing about?

• If you see a post or comment that breaks the rules, instead of engaging, report it. When you report it, it sends notification to the mod team. We will act on it where appropriate. Engaging with bad faith users may result in your comments being removed. If you repeatedly do so, you may end up being banned.

What if I see an obvious troll?

• Report it.

What if they are being really mean in comments?

• Report it.

What if they are harassing me in private messages?

• Step 1: Report them to admins. You can report harassment to reddit by using this link or send a DM to reddit admins. Include the link to the DM, admins can see your inbox and providing a direct link is helpful for them to weed out bad actors.
• Step 2: Block the person so they cannot directly contact you again.
• Step 3: Send us a mod mail and let the mod team know. Tell us who they are and what they said, send us a screenshot if you can - admins can see your DMs, mods can't. We'll take action where necessary by banning from the sub if they aren't already banned.

What do you mean by No Naming & Shaming?

• Just as we prefer to not be linked to or crossposted from, we do not allow linking to or calling out other subs by name. If you see something you want to share, say it's a hot post that has hit the front page and a stepparent is being absolutely flayed, just refer to it as "that hot post that hit the front page." If you want to complain about other places in general, "other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice. Absolutely under no circumstances should you link to anywhere else.

I can't link to other subs?

• Do not directly link to another sub. (e.g.: "/r/insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
• Do not name other subs. (e.g.: "I won't link to it directly, but insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
• Do not abbreviate other subs. (e.g.: "I know that ISNH is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")

I can't ping other users?

• Do not summon another user with a username ping/tag. (e.g.: "/u/insertusernamehere was being an asshole.")
• If you are agreeing with someone, it is okay to link to them. (e.g.: "I agree with /u/insertusernamehere*, you need to take a couple of steps back and reflect on this."*)

What does No Platitudes mean?

• Sanctimonious, overused clichés that grossly oversimplify the stepparenting experience are neither wanted nor allowed here. We have all heard it a thousand times before, we don't need to hear it again. It's not nearly as insightful and wise as some would like to think.

Why don't you people understand it's a package deal?

• Any comment that suggests that OP should have known what they were getting involved with, or that they needed to understand that the kids were part of some package they needed to accept before signing up for marriage is subject to immediate removal.
• This is one of the most insensitive things you can say to a stepparent. Most stepparents were aware of the children, but they were probably not aware of all of the family dynamics.

Why can't you just love them like they are your own?

• Demanding that a stranger you do not know love children that are not biologically theirs as if they were theirs can be incredibly damaging to someone who is already in a vulnerable situation. Any comment that falls along these lines will be removed.

What do you mean by No Trolling? I was just...

• No means no. No trolling. No pretending to be a stepparent and then whipping out the Greatest Hits Bingo Card of The Worst Stepparent in the History of Stepparents. We see you. We've seen you a thousand times.

What does "concern trolling", "gish-galloping", and "sealioning" have to do with stepparenting? This isn't a debate sub, why are you using debate terms?

• That's absolutely right, this isn't a debate sub. And yet, here we are, day after day, having to defend ourselves against this sort of thing. So, enough. No more. Usage of any of these things will get you banned.

What is "Concern Trolling?"

• A concern troll is someone who disingenuously visits sites of an opposing ideology to disrupt conversation by offering unwanted advice on how to solve problems which do not really exist.
  • Example Post: OP expresses concern that she will feel, and possibly act, differently towards her stepchildren after her husband decides that no, he doesn't want anymore children after all.
  • Example Concern Troll pulled from actual mod mail after their comment was removed: "Possible child abuse claims need to be sorted out well before whatever empathy you believe the OP was looking for."

What is a "Devil's Advocate"?

• "I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but have you considered that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break, too?" BM has dozens of different mom based subs alone on reddit she can complain on, this sub is for stepparents. The stepparent doesn't need to consider that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break.

"Gish-galloping?" What does that even mean?

• The Gish Gallop is the fallacious debate tactic of drowning your opponent in a flood of individually-weak arguments in order to prevent rebuttal of the whole argument collection without great effort. The Gish Gallop is a conveyor belt-fed version of the on the spot fallacy, as it's unreasonable for anyone to have a well-composed answer immediately available to every argument present in the Gallop.

And "sealioning?" What's that?

• Sealioning involves jumping into a conversation with endless polite, reasonable questions and demands for answers, usually of entry-level topics far below the actual conversation (e.g. "please prove sexism exists"). This tactic differs little from harassment; instead of discussion, the point is to derail discussion, receive criticism (for their ignorance) so as to look like a victim, or to make someone feel overwhelmed and quit talking.

Who gets to define what is considered asshattery?

• The mod team, of course! If we feel that comments are out of line, are trolling, are leading up to a fight or "just asking questions", we are going to remove them and most likely ban the offender.

​

​

FAQ - Sub Questions

Posting Guidelines for Stepparents

• Body text is required, we suggest you use line breaks between paragraphs as a wall of text is difficult to read. Posts that have only a title are likely to be removed. Instead of using names (even fictitious ones), try to use the sub acronyms. It helps our users to follow along if you use the acronyms and not names.
• Assign a post flair that accurately describes what your post is about and what you are seeking. If you are posting an update from a previous post, include a link to that post.
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  • Update - Updating us on something that you posted about previously? Use this one!
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  • Win! - Celebrate those wins with us with this tag!
  • Megathread - Mod Use Only, for large mega threads (typically around major calendar events.)

Posting Guidelines for Bioparents

• Stepparents is a support community for stepparents, by stepparents. As bioparents, you may want to have more insight into how the stepparent in your life feels or thinks. You may have questions on how to ease the transition for your partner. However, please keep in mind that this community was not created for you. It was created for your partner or your ex's partner. If you are seeking support on how to deal with a stepparent, there are other subs more suited for your situation and your post is subject to removal.
• There are some posts from bioparents we will accept:
  • Seeking advice on how to support your partner as they navigate stepparenting
  • Seeking resources to help you better support your partner
  • Seeking resources for your partner
• There are some posts from bioparents we will not accept:
  • Complaints about how the stepparent is too involved in your kids lives
  • Vents about how the stepparent is not involved enough in your kids lives
  • "Cautionary tales" advising stepparents to back off
  • Seeking advice on how to tell the stepparent to back off
  • The Do's and Dont's of Stepparenting
  • How your kid's stepmom is literally The Worst
• Comments from bioparents that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from bioparents that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. There are several other subs that may meet the needs of bioparents better than we can. We recommend /r/coparenting, /r/parenting, /r/parents, /r/blendedfamilies, and /r/singleparents as starting points.

Guidelines for Stepkids

• At this time, we do not generally accept posts from stepkids. Comments from stepkids that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from stepkids that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. If you are a stepkid seeking support, we highly recommend /r/stepkids. It is a very supportive community specifically for stepkids. We also recommend /r/blendedfamilies as another potential group for support.

What the heck are all these acronyms? I'm confused!

• Check out the Common Acronyms wiki page. We try to keep this updated as new terms are introduced to the sub.

Why aren't my posts or comments showing up?

• New posters and accounts go through a waiting period before their posts will show in the sub and the comments on posts automatically. During the new account approval period the mod team will check posts to be sure you aren't attempting to circumvent a ban with a shiny new account. Please be patient while the timer runs down on your "new" status and the mod team approves your posts and responses.

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• Comments are removed when they do not follow the rules of the sub. These rules are published in several places for your reading pleasure.
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This comment/post is really offensive! Why is it still up?

• All moderators are volunteers and have busy real lives. Sometimes things get past us. The best thing you can do is report anything you find offensive or inflammatory. It's the quickest and most reliable way of alerting us to an issue.

I've received a hurtful/unwanted PM from someone about my recent post. What should I do?

• If you receive an unwanted/hurtful PM from a name you don't recognize, please report it to Reddit Admins using our handy pre-populated form. Be sure to include the permalink to the message. We've been dealing with a few unhappy folks who like to attack stepparents, and reporting it to the admins is the only way to make it stop.

What are the general moderator guidelines?

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• Due to an influx of harassment from users with specific user histories, we have employed a user history ban bot as described above. If you think this has affected you and wish to appeal, please message the mods.

Why was I banned without warning?

• There are numerous reasons that the mod team might opt to move perm banning without warning. Message the moderators if you have specific questions.

Just need to vent. I 28f have a serving job about an hour and 15min drive from where I live with my boyfriend 37m. I continue to work this job because I need it, have been there for years, and usually work doubles working my career job in the AM and serving job during PM because they are so close together. Sometimes, I get scheduled outside of those days and if I can’t get the shift picked up, I work it and sometimes sleep at my parents nearby cause I’ll be exhausted by the end of the shift (2:30am).

Anyway, my bf, me and his 11s had a great day before I had to leave for work. He usually gets him every other weekend but this was a back to back weekend. Before I left for work my bf asked if I’d be coming home tonight and I said I wasn’t sure and it depends on how tired I am by the end of the night. But I told him I’d probably be back more than likely. Texted with him during my shift. He never said goodnight or anything. Shift finally ends and I just wanted to go home and crawl in the bed with my bf despite being exhausted. I get home at 4am, shower and go to our room to find him and his son asleep in the bed. I was super bummed. I go to the couch (my back is injured from car accident so it’s really less than ideal). They even took the good couch blanket to the bedroom 😭 So here I am, sad and depleted, sleeping on the couch alone with a bad back and a thin blanket. And will be up in a few short hours because they will wake up and I’m on the couch. I wished I had just slept at my parents, but he always makes me feel bad if I do that. Like, he becomes short and distant with me. So it makes me feel like I have to push through exhaustion in order to avoid that bs. And I hate to say, but it also really bugs me that he and his son still sleep together. I just wish he had texted me that was his plan so I would’ve just stayed at my parents. But I can’t really be mad I guess because I didn’t give a for sure “yes I’ll be home tonight” only a “more than likely”. Communication just sucks between the both of us I guess and I’m not sure if I’m justified in also being upset he still sleeps with his son. To also add, my fucking vibrator was on my nightstand (it does not have drawers) and his son is sleeping on my side of the bed. My bf is not very mindful so I’m sure it’s still there where I left it 😩

Also this is my first post here so I’m not sure if used correct acronyms. Apologies in advance.

Edit: Typos

Hey guys! First time posting here, English is not my first language so please bear with me.

I met my boyfriend through bumble on June 2024 last year, both from different cities, when we first started talking he revealed to me that he had and 11 y/o son and had gotten separated from his wife about a year before that (not divorced), he was very clear about not wanting to engaged in a serious relationship at the moment since he wanted to dedicate time to himself, his hobbies, family and son.

I have to admit I was on a place where I wanted to meet someone nice to be in a relationship with but not just settle for anyone. When we cleared our status to each other we had already form a special connection, just through text though, so we were being honest but it was already feeling like something special. When we finally got to meet irl, I have to admit I didn’t really felt that much attraction towards him, but the date was great, we talked for hours and I felt very comfortable.

After that it was a bit hard to get together for at least 3 more weeks and I was feeling like, since the physical attraction was not so strong, things were fading, until he told me he wanted to come to my city so we could get together. I felt like he was really trying here and since the emotional connection was still great I gave it a shot. That weekend ended up being AMAZING, I felt like I hadn’t for years with anyone. He was sweet, caring and so much more. After that I knew I was just lost with him, and felt like he felt it too. Since we don’t live in the same city (about an hour and a half drive) we tried to meet as much as we could made little getaway weekends and it was perfect.

About 3 months after this we were already a couple and I stared to get a little more involved in his separation status and where he stood, he realized he had to move to a divorced status and get the child support talk started, since everything up until that point was just through good terms with his ex. I want to clear also that even though I’ve never been in a relationship with a man in this situation before, since I was very involved in this I was very happy to eventually meet his son, always understanding he is the main priority in his life. That was actually one of the things I loved about him, seeing how great of a father he is. So our relationship stared to evolve more and more and now a days we are practically living together at his place (have to clear that my job is closer to where he lives so it was also great for me).

The “problem” starts for me a little bit when we start making plans like spending new years together with his family or different activities that may involve his son, since I still haven’t met him. After I saw this, I had a talk with him about me not feeling comfortable meeting his son without his ex being aware of my existence, not because I wanted to be like recognized or anything like that, but because I felt like it was unfair for her not knowing who her son might be spending time with sometimes. He totally got my point so we paused some plans. He was close to start the child support date to settle the terms so he felt like talking about this with his ex might not be the time, since apparently even though they didn’t ended things on bad terms, he says she gets pretty riled up easily and is always on a defensive mode.

Sadly she found out about me before this happened and had a little bit of a fight trough text with him, she first asked him not to involve their son in our relationship, then she expressed how out of place it felt he had already started a new relationship, because of what people on town might say and more. He told me all of this feeling pretty exhausted about the situation since apparently before this she hadn’t shown any sort of care about him as a partner. So he cleared to her that he felt like what she was telling him didn’t apply to their situation anymore. Clearly she didn’t felt the same. After the mediation and all a month went by and they had a little chat again about “future partners” she expressed she didn’t want to feel like her son was missing time with him for spending time with me, he cleared that that was not going to happen and that he was going to inform her when he felt like it was time to introduce me to their son.

About 2 weeks have passed after this conversation, and since we are living together and are much closer in so many ways, social gatherings, time spent with his family and mine, we have started to plan things ahead but are starting to get clouded by the fact that either I have to leave the weekends he his with his son or I have to be absent from parts of his life for not being introduced yet to his son. This is the part that I’ve been struggling with lately. I repeat I know his son comes first and I don’t want to rush things by knowing him when it may be too soon, but I can’t help to have mixed feelings about it.

Last week I expressed my feelings to my boyfriend and he first felt like I was putting to much pressure to the situation, to myself, that I was eventually going to meet his son, that I didn’t had to worry, but he ended up getting the point of me feeling left out, that as a couple, us , us with our parents, siblings, friends are in such a nice place, but when his son is involved I don’t exist. My question is how can I go through this without overthinking it so much, am I right about how I feel? Am I wrong? Am I allowed to feel this, and if so how can I navigate all of this better so it won’t get to me as much as it is?

So I've been a step for two years, and I think I want out. I'm only getting leftovers. What was the straw that broke the camel's back for you? Mine? My bf said he was too sick to go out. Turns out he was going to visit his son. Yesterday I asked him if he was giving me an excuse and he said no. Well, the truth came out... I don't think this is normal.

SKs are 10 and 12. Ours baby is 1. I look after the baby the majority of the time and when it's a weekend with the SKs I very rarely leave DH to watch baby. But I do need to go to a different room to cook dinner or something for example so I ask DH to watch the baby and he says no problem.

But so many times he then asks one of the SKs to watch the baby while he does something and he leaves the room. We don't really have any safe spaces anymore as baby can climb over everything and try to jump off. If DH is still in the room, or just leaves the room to grab something then I don't have a problem with that. But I'm not comfortable with the baby not having constant adult supervision. I don't think it's okay to go have a 20 minute shower or be outside. I've told him I'm not comfortable with this.

He says he has no choice as I've told him I'm busy and if he needs to do something then he needs to do it. If I need to do something I do it with the baby or not at all,I don't put the SKs in charge.

The SKs love playing with baby but they're not very responsible as they're easily distracted and don't know what babies can and can't do safely. Though I am not comfortable with any non adult watching my baby.

Am I being unreasonable here? In my mind a 1 year old needs constant adult supervision as something can happen in the space of a few mins. I'd love to hear how others feel about this.

Long story short, SD18 has been a nightmare for me 35f. She is extremely passive aggressive and cold. Our home filled with tension whenever she was here. Whatever anger she had, she directed toward me. It was awful. Almost left, got pregnant, and here we are today.

Finally…FINALLY… something snapped for DH44. I have been begging and fighting for him to have my back. To use his authority as a parent to set and enforce rules on how we all treat each other in our home. He never did. But a few weeks ago, I called out how fucked up the dynamic was between him and SD. She was holding us emotionally hostage as she threatened her relationship with DH at the first sign of challenging her behavior. Something clicked. He finally saw it that way.

I never thought I’d see the day, but he finally told her that she was not welcome back at our house as long as she continued to act this way and treat me this way. BM is texting and launching damaging accusations at us because, by extension, she can no longer control us either. DH is dealing with it. I finally feel like a priority.

Just wanted to share.

Hi all. My partner (m33) and I (f28) have had a rocky go, I thought we were done for good a few months ago but were rekindling and really made a lot of progress. A lot of the progress was me working on myself as I’d realized I wasn’t always the best partner. I stayed on good terms with his 2 kids the whole time as we were in a lease and pleasantly coexisting. 10(f) is my little bestie and we get along great, 14(m) is polite towards me but we lack much common ground. Bio mom is addict gets supervised weekly visits and doesn’t seem on path to get more than that anytime soon.

His daughter really loves me. She calls me step mom and has tried to call me mom which I’ve gently turned down. We bond really easily. She has an IEP which I don’t know all the details of but really just struggles in math. The schools doing their best but it’s not the best district. Due to the lack of mother figure I am more involved than I would be if she had a present mom. Go to school conferences, events, etc. and he’s welcomed my involvement but not forced anything.

He’s gotten this idea of sending her private, and found a Christian school he wants her to go to. I mentioned to him that that’s great if he’s aiming for the religious aspect(we aren’t really religious but hes been researching), but that Christian schools aren’t always known for the academic side of things. We were talking about private schools and I said she wouldn’t be able to get into the top school in our area as it’s insanely competitive and she’s really behind. But that there’s some great schools with strong academics that could be good options. He got pretty quiet and left for work. We text a little through out day. Then he came home in the evening and asked to talk, asked why I said she couldn’t get into any other schools and that I said she’d only get into the Christian cause he’s paying for the religion. He has a tendency to be defensive and I come from a hyper critical family, so it’s a dangerous combo. He didn’t go to school in this country and doesn’t always understand things like the IEP, test scores etc. So in hindsight maybe I should have stayed quiet about the school but I just wanted to make sure he looked at all options as we have some great ones. He chose this school just based on location and being affordable, but there’s other affordable options nearby with better stats.

So in the process of this little “you are mistaking what I’m saying” fight he goes “no you need to tell her why you think she’s not good enough” and then walks towards the kids room. He never got there but was standing close enough I’m sure both kids were able to hear…… he called me a narcissist and said I had an issue with the kid going to a good school. I tried to convince him to let me take this kid to tutoring 6 months ago so it’s ironic…. But he’s standing outside the kids room threading to go get her “because they’ll hear about what an evil person you are anyways”…. I’m beyond shocked and embarrassed he’d involve the kids in a fight. I tried to explain that top school has a 50% acceptance but there’s other good schools. But at that point it was personal attacks against me while standing right outside the kids room….. eventually it ended with him saying how he doesn’t need me and I’m a bitter person then went into the kids room and I locked myself in office to process.

Besides trauma from his ex basically abandoning his kids for drugs, and emotional immaturity…. How could a parent ever want their children to hear a nasty fight? Like what causes this type of behavior? Even if I was the most crazy self centered person why would he want his kid to know anything…..

I was raised in a religious cult and I vowed I would never allow my kids to be raised in church or any religion for that matter. I’m essentially a free spirit and I allow my daughter (14f) to search and seek out spirituality for herself. I can’t imagine subjecting her to the three hours of listening to some old man speak about boring topics and subjects and instilling fear in them.

My fiancée is a Christian. He’s aware that I’m atheist and he understands the trauma I endured due to being raised in a religious cult. We respect each other’s beliefs. As long as he doesn’t try to persuade me or push me to be religious, we’re all good.

Anyway, last weekend his son confided in me that church was boring and the man on stage spoke too long; for a total of four hours. Even my fiancée complained and said usually church isn’t that long. Well, as they got prepared to go to church again, his son whined and said, “Why do I have to go?!” And he told him to get up; his son doesn’t have a choice. He spoke to my fiancée and told him, why doesn’t he have a choice. It brought back terrible memories of when I was a kid and my parents literally dragged me when I told them I didn’t want to go to church.

My fiancée told me as long as my son is living with me, he will go to church. Once he turns 18, he then decide if he wants to go or not. I just can’t shake the feeling that it’s wrong to force a kid to go to church.

What are your thoughts? Any advice?

Whether it’s right or wrong, there are two adults in this house that have zero desire to be parents, and the one that has to be one isn’t me.

I’m in this weird kind of hell where I am totally NACHO and apathetic about the whole kid thing, but I notice that my partner absolutely hates being a parent and is not good at it. This sounds bad, but the only reason I care (mostly) is when it affects me. If I’m around everyone, his avoidant “parenting” always ends up becoming my problem. Who do they come ask for stuff? Me. Who do they then come to for attention? Me. I do feel bad for the kids, don’t get me wrong. But I CAN’T GIVE IT TO THEM. I can’t fix this problem for him or them and I don’t want to because I don’t want to be involved. I NEVER WANTED TO BE A PARENT OR HAVE TO DO PARENT THINGS. That’s his job, and god damn he only has to do it twice a month and he can’t even handle that?!?

It’s a weird hell because sometimes I feel we’re playing this game of “who will give in and handle this first?” And I will always win the game because I don’t want to and don’t have to do it.

I don’t want to wake up early, I don’t want to go to the store with children, I don’t want to drive children in my car and deal with that liability, I don’t want to take care of a kid by myself. If I did, I would’ve had one.

Today I made breakfast for everyone, they all had exactly what they wanted and had all eaten. I was making my breakfast and a kid comes to ask me for something (I had my hands full). I told her to go ask her dad (sitting 5 feet from the fridge on his phone). And he doesn’t get it. 15 minutes later after I just finished eating she comes back up to me asking for the thing again (it was a want not a need) and again I said go ask your dad. Then I just went upstairs.

Now I’m sitting at home alone with a child because he didn’t want to take her with him to drop his other child at a birthday party or something. Like really he didn’t ask me if it was okay…just acted pissy when I said “um why don’t you just take her with you?”

He told me he was going to take THEM and then take the one to tacos after (if I want to go). I don’t want to go, but I thought it was nice for him to take her for some 1:1 time. Guarantee he isn’t going to do that just because I don’t want to go and now here I am babysitting against my will.

I’ve always been honest about who I am in this regard and he knew this of me from day 1.

This is just a vent, I’m not really seeking advice.

SO needs to figure out how to be a better more present parent, or figure out how to enjoy his kids presence or….I don’t know what.

Also - the kids are not young enough to where taking the younger one would’ve created any additional effort for him.

Feel free to comment, but I'm just venting.

Tl;dr: Shitty boyfriend let me get close to his 8 y.o. daughter. It hurts.

I've written more about the relationship in another post but it's not strictly relevant here.

First off, I was blindsided by our introduction. We'd only discussed that I would meet her eventually, then he had her around when I turned up to stay for the week, 6 months in. Luckily we hit it off instantly, but in retrospect it really wasn't okay that he did that.

Once I'd already met her I felt responsible. Part of me knew it was far too early, but I committed - At his request, I made sure my visits coincided with hers. I made sure we got quality time as a trio and days out. I did all the practical stuff and played the part of a mother when she was around, for a man who I later learned doesn't even refer to me as his girlfriend.

This is going to sound egotistical, but I'm really sad that she won't have me any more. Her bio mother is dead and she's started asking my boyfriend if she can call me "mummy" - In light of this, he says I can't see her "in case" she gets too attached.

IN CASE? It's been a fucking year. She IS attached. So am I. I'm so mad at him for being irresponsible with both of our feelings like this.

I was willing to overlook too many problems with this man because I bonded with his daughter and wanted to be consistent for her. I should never have gotten involved.

To top it all off, he's a deadbeat. Chronically unemployed, constantly smoking weed when his daughter is in the house, asking me for money for basic things like clothing and food for her.

I don't know if I can date someone with kids again after this.

P.S. Yes I will be taking myself to therapy about why I jumped to be an unpaid nanny for someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about me.

Super immature exchange between myself and my partner at breakfast. I'm livid with myself and totally get how fucked this is but I'm mad as hell and need to vent.

Been with my partner (M35) for 3 years. He has a daughter 9yo that we have 60/40 (40 for us). I'm very involved and for the most part am happy to be as long as he's considerate of my needs in the relationship. Emotional support, love etc it's still a work in progress but generally improving from where it was.

Context for this exchange: I was up at 6.30am yesterday to take my SD out for her new gymnastics class (which was 50mins away but her parents aren't taking her to any extra curricular currently), took her to a market for a treat and then dropped her off at friends. I then had my friend drop her son (7) off for a sleepover in the arvo while they went to a wedding. I cared for him while partner picked SD up from friends, I did dinner and managed their playtime getting along etc, did bedtimes and stayed up until lil man went to sleep. Lil man woke me up at 6am and I went out to let partner sleep because he has a job this morning.

Around 7.30am I was in the middle of cooking breaky for everyone and I went into our room to ask him to help me with the kids, he was chilling on his phone and didn't come out so I asked him again and he came out. I made him coffee, and cooked breaky for everyone, desperately needed to poo and I told him this. He proceeded to be annoyed with me because he didn't like my "tone" when I was managing everthing and needed him. I had the mildest of frustrated tones because God forbid I'm a little frustrated after v little sleep and he's just chilling while I'm overstimulated managing the kids and cooking eggs with literal shit threatening to explode out of me.

I asked him why he felt I deserved to be treated crappy for that and didn't deserve some compassion or understanding in that moment when it wasn't really personal and he said he's "acting like that because I am" and I gave him the whole "real immature" to do tit for tat speech. I then said "thanks for being a supportive partner" and then he said "you too". I fucking lost it, grabbed his eggs and threw them at him.

I know that's fucked up but wtf?! I just did all this shit for everyone and him and he couldn't even take over for 5 mins so I could take a shit. And then somehow in his fucking head, that's me not being a supportive partner.

Make that make fucking sense.

Anyway, I guess I'm wanting to vent, realise this is super toxic behaviour from both of us and ultimately I escalated it the most. But I'm fucking over having someone talk to me and treat me like this just because I'm the slightest bit frustrated in the moment in a way I think was rightfully so because I communicated everything I needed when I needed it and he thinks he has a fair reason to say I haven't been supportive.

ETA this is the same fucking dude that started talking to me about rings last night. Yeah, THAT ring. How do you go from thinking about THAT ring last night to treating me crappy because I was the TINIEST bit frustrated in the moment with the juggle, not really him and then he spits out the lack of support line. Like dude.

Looking for advice. Told my husband I don't feel safe and wanted to work on things. He locked all our finances, Hacked my Facebook and all my accounts so I couldn't access them and pushed me and our two children on the street after he hurt me and I left with the car. Uncertain of what to do next. Any advice would help. Thanks

I’ve decided I’m leaving. I (28F) have been with my partner (34M) for 5 years and nothing has ever got better or changed in terms of SS7, enmeshed BM and lack of respect for me. I’ve been unhappy longer than I’ve been happy.

Getting myself to say the words to my partner is proving to be a massive block for me. Why can’t I bring myself to do it. He’s having a hard time at the moment with SS refusing to sleep over and saying he doesn’t want to come so I think it’s guilt of making things worse that’s holding me back but I’ve just absolutely had enough.

We will likely have to remain living here until the house sells for various reasons (neither of us have anywhere else we can practically live).

I wish I could just leave him a note and then move on with my life. I envy people who can just leave and don’t have to worry about a shared property.

Please can anyone tell me how to get my husband to understand that I can’t be a perfect 1950’s housewife 24/7 and that we can’t create a “perfect life” for SD! I’m. So. Tired. I have a SD 7, and ours baby 1 male, and DH. Like any other NORMAL human parent, I get annoyed at times with the kids, yes my OWN bio child included. Here’s the problem, as soon as SD walks thru the door, my husband wants a dystopia perfect movie worthy family. He is very lax on parenting and I would consider myself more of a middle of the road parent. I want the kids to have fun but also I want them to learn age appropriate responsibility. Today started with the kids and dogs running through the house screaming, I got annoyed after about 10 mins. I said “hey guys let’s tone it down a bit!” In a reasonable tone and they didn’t listen. Then I told my husband why don’t you take them to the park to give me some peace and a chance to clean the house? This is where it started. Now he’s mad because I was annoyed with SD and gave me the old worn out speech of “they’re kids, why do you have to be angry all the time? “ Then that always spirals into my attitude is ruining SD’s childhood. I could be in a good mood for 10 hours straight and then get annoyed for 5 mins and DH says that I was angry for the entire 10 hours. I am the person cleaning while they’re wrecking the house. I’m the devil if I say SD should pick up her toys. I’m not asking the kid to scrub the toilet or anything, just pick up the toys in the floor! She has been spending a lot of time in her room and DH suggested that was because she’s too “afraid” to make a mess. I’m sorry but if I give your kid trauma by asking her to pick up her shit you have way bigger problems. I NEVER tell her to clean stuff up, I NEVER get onto her. I ask DH to discipline of needed! I just go about my day and deal with it. But according to DH, my “vibe” is ruining everyone’s day. I don’t slam things, I don’t make snarky comments, I hustle clean. Yes I’m not smiling or anything but I’m not being mean or passive aggressive at all! But because I’m not in an awesome mood and smiling and cutting up with everyone, it’s a problem. I resent my husband so much for this and idk how to make him understand he’s ridiculous. Here’s my other things, I could say our bio son is driving me nuts, he was a nightmare this morning with some tantrums, etc. that’s totally fine for me to say because it’s not SD. Just goes to show Bio moms can do whatever the F*** they want and step moms gets blamed for EVERYTHING! I can’t relax when SD is here because I’m expected to be perfect. My DH exaggerates every reaction as well!!! I could say in passing to just him something like omg, I’m ready for bedtime” and he accuses me later of yelling at people. I don’t yell ever!!!!! What? How does he just bold face lie to my face about my actions and exaggerate everything ???? What do I do to bring my husband back down to planet EARTH! The false accusations are out of control!!!!!