Looking for a little positivity or something to hope for. Things can be pretty rough with my step-daughter. She’s an early teen and unfortunately her father took his own life so there’s another significant layer of complexity on top of the normal step-parent/step-child relationship.

I fully believe that my wife (her mom) and I are doing the right things and taking the right approach, but I just kind of wanted to hear stories from anyone who has been down this road and had things go well eventually. TIA

New family with 6 kids trying to start traditions that create fun bonding games. Similarly aged kids, we each have 3. We won't have the kids on Thanksgiving unfortunately so we want to do some games, etc. We always do Santa visits after Thanksgiving but we want to start a new one. I found transparent eggs i had bought and never used and was thinking of maybe some sort of egg hunt on Christmas but have no ideas on how to make it fun. We are going to decorate house cookies and want to do something else that doesn't require a lot of planning and time as that always takes from spending time with them but we want them to laugh and have fun. Youngest is 4 oldest is 16.

My bf and I have been together for a while. He has a 16 month old daughter from a prior relationship and we live together with my 3 kids from my prior relationship. He and her were only together for 2 months and she told him she was pregnant after they broke up. They do parent fairly well. Although she doesn’t know about me. He has expressed that she will make our lives hell if she finds out but that at some point he is going to let her know. He has his daughter 3.5 days and so does she. They both send pics back and forth of baby when the other has her. Which is great! But she sends him pics of herself regularly… like at the gym. In front of the mirror. Etc. he used to have her on social media and I expressed my concern that they were sending posts and things all day to one another. So she is no longer on his pages. But now it’s the texting of the pictures. I have some trust issues from past relationships and I thought that was maybe why I feel the way I do, but in all honesty, I find it really inappropriate and more so because she isn’t aware of me… am I wrong from this?

Hi there! I am not new to blended families as both my mother and father remarried before I was a teenager, however, I still hold some resentment toward my mother and step father for how their relationship was introduced to me as a child. I was about 6/7 when my parents divorced due to addiction problems my dad had, now that I am older I understand my mothers struggles and how she probably was not in love with my father the months leading to their divorce. However, as a child I was unaware of what was happening all together and realized one day my father was gone and my step father was around. My mother never directly introduced me to her boyfriend as her boyfriend, but rather a friend. For 2 years I belived this man that was coming around my house was just my mothers friend until my dad (who was in jail at the time) told me that they were boyfriend and girlfriend. I did not even belive him because I did not think my mom would lie to me for 2 years, but she was. My dad did not tell me to get revenge, but rather, also did not know my mother’s relationship was sort of a secret to me. Now, I do understand keeping your children from meeting a new partner right away, but what do you guys think about my mother’s relationship being kept a secret from me for over 2 years? I also want to note, she never directly told me they were dating until the day she told me he would be moving in and living with us. Her boyfriend was not a stranger to me, but the whole situation was certainly confusing for little me because I had no idea they were in a relationship up until that point. My mother was really the only secure person I had as a child, and hearing this news kind of felt like she was being taken away from me and that she didn’t mind having secrets from me, especially because it all unraveled so quickly. To this day my parents still joke about how I was “so mean” and “a brat” towards my step father when I was 9-13 years old, not really understanding I was angry and mad at the time being kept out of life secrets and the changes happening around me. Now I have a really good relationship with my mom and step dad, but I still get sad about how this whole situation happened and get mad when my family jokes about my anger as a child. Do you think I am wrong for resenting my mom and step father for how he came into my life? Did my mom do all the right things and I am just overreacting? Or should I have been more involved in her life and the choices she was making that changed both our lives?

Hi there Redditors,

I am seeking resources and advice for someone taking on the role of step parent. My partner and I are in our thirties. Neither of us have ever been married, and he has two children under 5 from his previous relationship. I do not have children.

I am overjoyed to have little ones in the house. The ex is high conflict, immature, and unable to communicate. I let the two of them work out their issues, as she generally aims to be petty. If that ever changes I have let her know I am always available to communicate and will respect parenting rules, within reason.

The advice I am seeking is managing the day to day role as a step parent.

I’d like to hear from bio parents and step parents about what allows you to stay graceful, present, and informed.

Do you recommend books? Any particular habits or communication styles?

My partner has expressed that he wants my influence in his daughters’ lives because of the way I choose to live (I’m adventurous, an artist, and a businesswoman) and he’d like them to have more interests. I don’t want to show up too overzealous (my excitement has me wanting to plan girly days, hikes, and fun DIY projects). It makes sense to me to let the children decide what type of relationship they want with me, as it doesn’t feel appropriate to force a relationship to be a certain way.

However, at such young ages I do recognize that these children will need boundaries and guidance from safe adults in their lives.

How do I strike a balance in the way I am showing up and building a blended home?

Notes:

-I’m not really worried about the ex. She can be high conflict all she wants. I don’t respond to her. There are times when my partner has to block her because she will call 10-20 times in a row to get something that she wants (never anything necessary…usually she wants him to pay for her nails or something, and she gets aggressive when he tells her no) . She is living in the house he bought, and he covers all of the children’s expenses. She is diagnosed Borderline personality and can be very mentally unstable at times, which is another reason the girls will be spending more time with us. When they are at her place, they also have the care of their maternal grandfather, who lives and helps in the home.

-I come from a difficult background and never had the experience of a healthy family or caretakers. It is important to me to show up responsibly, and I look forward to embracing the family life in whichever way it shows up.

Throwaway because I really do love my stepkids, but sometimes I wish they wouldn't do the same stuff over and over again.

I have been in their lives for over two years and from the moment my husband and I made it official (dating, married for over a year) I have seen them like my own within boundaries. I do not try to replace their mom nor do I try to damage their relationship with her (she does that on her own unfortunately). I am just another woman in their life to look to for advice and solice.

My husband is currently filed for modification of custody due to the kids harming themselves, their mother threatening (multiple times) to unalive herself, their stepfather's mental abuse towards their mother and kids, and the kids being old enough to have a say. I initiated the conversation with my husband multiple times about taking his ex back to court for the sake of the kids and until recently he felt he would lose, but with the overwhelming evidence I have collected in the past two and a half years and the money I have put aside for legal counsel he finally put it into motion.

Now onto the part where I secretly despise my stepkids coming to my house.

Preface: the house is legally mine, my husband and stepkids moved in very early into our relationship due to financial issues. I offered.

From the beginning of them living with me, I have had issues with the overwhelming noise; specifically from arguing; and mess. Mind you I had/have multiple animals whom made their own respective noises and messes, but I always managed prior to the relationship. I have PTSD, noise-sensetivity, and I am particular in my safe space (i.e. my house), but I offered to let them move in because I loved them all and did not see how naive I was.

My safe space has become just my room which I tend to hide in; more lately because I now have a baby whom is another source of stimulation to overwhelm me; to try to manage my outbursts from overstimulation.

I love when the kids come down because I haven't seen them in 10 days and I have missed them. Unfortunately, each time I am reminded how kids so close in age (teenagers) fight and the amount of drama they surround themselves with. For the next four days it is a nonstop fight either between themselves, with their dad, with me, with my sister (months older than oldest stepkids and now lives with us), or their dad and I. The fights between themselves is due to them sticking their noses into each other's relationships; boyfriends or friends; or telling on each other. The fights with their dad is due to the custody modification not moving faster and then not understanding that he has done everything he can and that it is out of his hands currently. The fights with me are due to them being disrespectful, messy, and inconsiderate of the people around them. It drives me insane and I try to make sure I don't ask too much of them, but I really just want them to pick up after themselves and contribute to the household by doing one or two chores to just maintain the shared spaces. The fights with my sister is because the oldest "borrows" without asking from my sister so my sister "borrows" without asking something of her's. Very very petty and stupid I try to minimize these fights by insuring the thing that gets "borrowed" is bought for the thief so they don't "borrow" it again. The fights between my husband and I is due to me hitting a point where I don't even want to be in my own house because of how disrespected and unheard I feel. Each time I want to leave to stay with family, but I don't want to take my baby away from their father.

So AITAH if I secretly despise my stepkids coming down, even though I am paying to fight for them to come live with us and I love them?

So, I've been seeing this man in 3 months now, he first contacted me on FB messenger wanted to take me out for dinner. I looked him up on the internet like I always do when meeting someone new just to know they hasen't done too bad crimes or that they're married. I could see he is married and I asked him about this, said I can see that you are married so no thanks. But he convinved me that he is seperated from his wife in real life, just not on paper yet but they gonna get a divorce soon in like a couple of months. And I asked him why they are seperated, he said because they dont get along anymore, fight all the time and fight about how to raise their 5 kids. The oldest is 19 and The youngest is 5. Something about a tatto for his oldest son they dont agree about and other things as well. I asked how long you've been seperated and he said -"for 2 years, I've been single for 2 years." I asked why didnt you get a divorce before since its been so long time. He said because he's afraid The authorotise, The social departement will do extra controls if they divorce and that they afraid they gonna take The children to fostercare. Wich dosent happen a lot if not The parents are abusive towards The children so I dont know why they would worry so much about that. He said they are agreeing on making The divorce and that his wife dosen't love him anymore and vice versa. Since the beginning I've felt something is off but Im apperently way too curious to not stick around to see whats gonna happen bc really like this man and I dont often find someone i like this much where The chemistry just fits so well.

He tells me what they gonna do with The children in the future how to share the costody and seems to have answers to everything, like they really have been talking about it. He lives with his mom he says. His wife are living in the same building as his mom, just different appartments (I looked it up its true) so even if I check where his care is at night, after he leaves me it dosent matter. (He has never slept here at my place but comes late at night after his work and then go home bc he says need to take his oldest son to school in the mornings bc his oldest son also staying at his moms place.) Though he is written on the same adress as his wife and their kids.

He also picks me up almost everyday to go to the gym and work out together before his job. He says he loves me and his heart only for me, he gives me lot of attention and always ask if I need anything, just let him know, Im not alone etc. I've almost left him 2 Times already bc found out things about his wife. First time it was mostly a bad feeling that he's still together with his wife (I dont want to do her wrong either) but he then called his mom up on videochat and presented me to her as his new girlfriend and she says I am so welcome there soon to meet up with her and his son. (Her son knows my language but not The mom). He also introduced me to some of his friends as the girl he is seeing. I dont know if this matters but they are arabs and muslims and maybe just maybe the family could have an acceptance for their son having multiply woman i really dont know for sure. So after this it felt better and I was on 60/40 instead of 50/50 like before this. But then the other day I found his wife on tiktok with open account and she has put up a lot of tiktoks of him and her cooking together, celebrate his birthday with the kids together, she made him cake and lot of cookies and had a present for him wich looked like a parfyme. There also videos of them eating ice cream, drinking Coffee and going to restaurant without the kids. He dont have anything of her on his social media though.

I understand that they must have some sort of relationship because of the kids they share together but then I see her latest tiktok that was pictures of their weddingday and rings and how long they been married (20 years) since 2004. Also a voice in the background that said "i love you more and more for every year, this only gets better and better for each day, I need you so much" etc etc. And all of her relatives including her own Sister is writing congratulations and wish that they will be together until the end of time and that they grow old togehter and Wishing them a happy life and marriage and all of that "May god keep you together" bla bla bla. I made a hard job managing to translate it all on different apps to really get it all right bc tiktoks own translation is not always that correct. But I get the picture.

So I wrote him "we dont have anything else to talk about, fix your divorce first of all until then its over between us. And maybe I should say congratulations on your weddingday, 20 years, wow good job! Now I block you, goodbye". But then I got curiuos at his answer so I didnt block him and he answered "I dont care what my wife says or writes. She is doing this in front of the children so they dont absorbe negative energy and she dont want any of her relatives to know she has seperated. So she post false stuff. I dont know what u mean but I didnt lie or fool anyone. But as you wish, see you when im done with everything, take care of yourself."

I just aswered "this sounds really strange to me". Wich it does. But why would he introduce me to his mom and why he wanna go gym everyday and give me all this attention from morning til night and takes me to restaurant now and then. Also met his oldest kid and he told me he told his kid "this is "my name" and I Like her" and his son said ok dad. But I really dont know bc i dont speak arabic exept for a few words here and there. But this would mean his oldest son and The family on his side know about the separation but just not on her side? He then continues sending me hearts and stuff but dont call me to talk but I didnt call either bc I wanna have this conversation eye to eye so he can't hang up on me. And tomorrow we gonna see each other and go to the gym and I have lot of questions bc feel really confused.

Im gonna ask him why they didnt tell her family yet when its been 2 years of separation (not 2 months) and "are you never gonna tell them"? Then ask "so your family and your oldest son knows but not hers"? I mean you said you werent lying to anyone but you are both lying to her family in that case and for your children. Im not gonna tell you what to do with your children but why she didn't tell her family after so long and pretends to still be in the marriage with you? Why she lying and u allow it in that case?

Or is this bullshit from him and they are actually together still for real? And its not false posts at all? One in a million that this will turn out good for me but I really want to see it all through totally before I decide to leave for good. What do you think is he playing me for a fool and he thinks im stupid or could it be true what he says? And even if its true what he says, do i really wanna live like that and hide so not any of her friends or relatives see us hug or kiss for example. I will not be able to do theese things with him outside where we live bc he afraid she or her close ones will see? Whats also making me confused is the fact Ive talked to his mom. Im really bothered bc i see myself as quite smart and mature girl (im 34 and hes 42 and his wife is 45.) But when it comes to relationships I have never been Lucky. And soon my chances of getting pregnant and having a kid will disappear so I really dont want to waste my time here if there is no chance is gonna work out bc he still with his baby moma. Maybe he never actually even left her from the beginning and everthing he told me was lies. I dont know my head explode please help me. I got into a mess. Who is this complicated? What can I ask him tomorrow to really go to the bottom with this all he also told me I cant see anyone else bc then he cant se me no more. What should I do? :O

I’ve been trying to keep my blended family in tact but I feel like I’m doing all the sacrificing. I (45f) left my home last year that I bought with my husband (46m) for our blended family mine: 20f, 16m, his: 11m, ours: 4f). We had been fighting a lot and he had been drinking and verbally abusing me and all the children. I had to get out so I filed for divorce and rented a house. We sold the house and split the profits and then he convinced me to try to make things work so I “let” him move into my own duplex that I had bought in 2003 with the hopes that after my son graduated high school, I would move into the other unit of the duplex and we could cohabitate with some boundaries. Unfortunately, his abusive behavior has not ended. He continues to verbally abuse me whenever I complain about all his hoarding at my duplex and unpaid use of my garages. He decided the amount of rent he pays and says I owe him thousands for painting the apartment which I already paid him for. Our finances are completely separate and he does minimal for our daughter except for paying for her morning care ($200) a month and he takes her maybe two nights a week. He considers watching her “babysitting” and gets mad at me when I need free time for appointments or to take care of my other kids whose father passed away. Meanwhile, he has his son over 50% and goes above and beyond and pays child support. I feel and have always felt that he takes advantage of me in order to make his life easier. I am an educator and he has a junk removal business collecting garbage and metals on my properties for years. Every time I give him a hard time about his ugly box truck and his hoards, he calls me ugly and insults my upbringing. He got me into a reselling business with him so we resell some of his findings. But, anytime I have used the money he calls me a thief. So, it’s basically just a business to cover for his mistreatment of me and my property. I am so tired of this man taking what’s mine and not giving me anything in return. I am ready to file for divorce again and evict him. He should not control my duplex and decide his terms. Whenever we break up, he gets very nasty and threatens me. For example, he is telling me that if I evict him, he will put liens on my house and condemn it. Meanwhile, his coercion and abuse made me offer the duplex at some point while we were selling our house, but I quickly took it back and told him very vehemently not to move there. But he maneuvered his way there and is continuing to bully me. I want to move into my duplex soon and without this abusive man. I don’t need him financially and he is a complete burden on me. I feel terrible because the holidays are coming up and last year this time is when I pulled the trigger for the initial divorce filing. What do you think I should do?

Background: We are a blended family. My oldest child (5) lives 50/50 with me and her father. Christmas is alternating between houses. I also have a younger child (3) with my current partner.

Question: What should we do with presents? Last year we gifted same amount for both children as we consider both of them our children, but eldest started boasting about the stash in the second house. Younger one was quite sad about it. They both still believe in Santa and there's no way to negotiate anything with father of my oldest. Now I feel if we'll gift disproportionate amounts oldest will be hurt...

My boyfriend (38M) and I (36F) are planning to blend our families and buy a home together. He has three daughters (ages 11, 7, and 5) from a previous marriage, and I have two sons and a daughter (ages 7, 5, and 3)from a previous marriage. He has 50/50 custody and I have 70% custody.

We’re trying to figure out how many bedrooms would be ideal for a family of 8 - 6 kids and 2 parents. We’ve already decided the oldest (11F) should have her own room since she’s quiet and enjoys having a peaceful space to read. The other kids are much louder and love physical play, so we want to make sure she has a place to retreat.

For those of you who’ve blended larger families, how many rooms did you find worked best? Any advice on room-sharing arrangements would also be appreciated!

If the divorce is uncontested and there is a parenting agreement that both parents have worked on and agree to - do we need to get a lawyer? Is there a way we can just file these documents with the courts on our own? Poor people wanna know.

Looking for advice. My wife and I have been married for two years with our blended family. There are eight of us in total one daughter from her previous marriage that she has 50-50 custody, four kids from my previous marriage that I’m the secondary and one son together. A couple of my kids from my first marriage are on the spectrum and need a lot of support. My ex and her husband are too worried about their own things and don’t take care of my kids sufficiently for being the primary. We are looking to take over as the primary even though that’s pretty emotionally stressful to think about (my ex is very hard to work with and is going to get nasty). I’m looking for a therapist or a counselor, that can help us navigate the emotions and complicated situations that are sure to arise. Any recommendations for which directions to start seeking help? Thanks

AITAH for breaking up with very narcissistic boyfriend, who hardly pays for anything, lacks empathy, and cares about nothing else but his daughter? To the point he will blatantly not talk to me and ignore me in front of her. He expects me to take care of and handle everything. Also addicted to video games and is on antidepressants/drinks wine all the time. I’m fed up and want to be in a happy relationship, he’s only worried now that he has his daughter full time how he will be able to live once he’s out of the army. He’s not on the lease, only me and I’d like to stay. So technically I’m “kicking” them out and he is refusing to figure out other living arrangements. I don’t want to get my lawyer involved but I guess I will if necessary… input would be greatly appreciated:(

Hey guys, just wanted to get a feel for how different people balance splitting their estate. What things should be considered? Me and my partner both work, but I make much more then her. We're looking into what would happen if I died early and how my will should be structured; how should the inheritance be split? How do assets get divvied out fairly? What things should we consider that aren't on our radar yet? The kids are 50/50 between our household and their mom.

My thoughts are that the kids should get the majority share, but she still deserves a balance for her contributions to our household. My current pitch would be leaving her the house to ensure a smooth transitionary period, with the intent she'd eventually sell it. I am exploring opening a trust for the kids to ensure they make the decisions with the money (instead of their mom), and to ensure they get portioned it out as they grow up, instead of getting sent a full sum the moment they turn 18. Obviously there's no one "right solution" for each family, but I was curious how others are handling?

My fiancé 43m and I 41f have been living together for over 3 years. He has two daughters 16f and 10f and I have 2 boys 12m and 9m. He currently has his daughters on the weekends and I have my boys 100 percent of the time my ex is a deadbeat what can I say. The living situation is his girls share the master so the have there own bathroom we have a room and my boys have a room. Recently his oldest daughter told him that basically she wants it to just be them wants us gone and feels like he picks us over her. I’m at a loss as to how to address this. My fiancé doesn’t understand why this upset me or makes me uneasy. We live in his house he could just put us out at anytime and when I try to talk to him about he just gets upset. I don’t want him to ruin the relationship he has with his daughter. I’m just not sure how to move forward at this point.

I’m (m34) married to an ex-single mom (36) with a daughter 8/9 years old. The marriage wasn’t planned and we had to do it because of my some problems in residency permission in the country we live in. We started living together last year and it’s been a big challenge for all three of us especially my wife and I. There’s jealousy between her daughter and me towards my wife and whenever I see that she’s showing affection toward the daughter I feel extremely jealous and want to leave the house immediately. Whenever she’s trying to get mom’s attention and she gives her I feel like the girl will end up a spoil person and we will have huge problems in the future when she’s an adolescent. The other thing I’ve been struggling with is my role in the house. I’ve never wanted to be a father and take the responsibility of a kid even though I like them but never wanted to have one. On the other hand I feel like if I don’t take any responsibilities now I’ll also lose the authority of the situation and again it’ll end up in a more horrible situation. Would love your opinion and experience on the topic.

So I’ll preface and say we are a blended family. I’ve attempted to keep his daughter/my step daughter on task to get a planner for school, ask if homework is done, etc. and last week she said she forgot her school folder in dads vehicle, then to discover it was on her floor by her bed… I prompt a planner to have teacher sign because she has a history of saying she has no homework, then she does, I know for a fact she has her language class every day besides maybe Friday that is suppose to be signed sheet of her spending time at home on it. I’m just exhausted to be asking and met with “I forgot” “no I don’t” etc.

She’s in 5th grade for what it’s worth. We are a family of adhders- so on top of trying to manage my own, my child’s, her and my husband, I’m getting burnt out. Then the push back on having her do these things. I’m about opting out of managing her time cleaning her room (I’ve already spent time and 15 garbage bags worth to clear her room before and back to a clutter mess) I’m about opting out of managing her school work as well. i have tried helping by getting the planner, then she “forgets” it at school. I’ve also told her not to have any of her meds in her room (asthma) and should be done under parent supervision. She will say she fed the dog but I know she didn’t, so I don’t trust she’s remembering these things, not mature enough to handle etc.

But then I feel I need to remind husband to get on her about these things too. And I just want to side step away from these things and allow natural consequences to seep in.

My kiddo is high maintenance adhd trying to keep him on task, he doesn’t have as much homework at his grade, but also cleaning his own room etc. I obviously handle all that for him. And I have tried handling for step daughter but between the excuses, push back, and constant brain on the never end- who and I reminding for what on top of my own adhd challenges, I’m getting frustrated by the situation.

I had recently expressed to husband about him handling those things but I’m afraid it isn’t getting done still. Idk… maybe venting a little and seeking any advice.

Copy & pasted from a different sub, learning about this one!

To add- I just tried iterating to my husband id like him to keep up with these things like I expressed the other night about during a discussion where I was burning out about these things. Apparently he took it as just talking to her about it? Whatever that means exactly… but I’m just burnt out with her attitude about doing these things. Wrapping back around to I tried creating the rule she’s not to keep her asthma anything’s in her room and to be out so an adult can watch her use (she was using her emergency inhaler too much and not what it was used for) and she told me earlier today she had a different (non emergent) in her room she used this morning. I didn’t witness this, morning got missed as far I was concerned, I had her do one at 4pm today. Then she came and asked if she could use it again… like no? You said you used one supposedly, then it was used at 4pm so it’s an off schedule and will have to do it tomorrow morning to get back on twice a day and I was met with eye roll and attitude…

Help blended family mixes! Insight? Advice? Am I being overreacting? Again I have adhd too, we all do. Only myself and child are being medicated for it.

Edit— I’m just making an update here to respond to a few people that have mentioned this and answer in one place. I do not believe my husband is off loading onto me and married me for that reason, at all. I think this comes down to his mindset on how a blended family should operate. He thinks if we parent our individual child that it could cause a divide in the home, this yours & mine thing. But we’ve been doing it this way for several months and I’m burning out and running into issues trying to manage everyone. We all have adhd. I have started back up with my own therapist, working to get my son into one, also getting him back on medication to help him at home, school, etc. I’m seeing a little improvement but that’s a different topic in itself too.

I don’t think my husband is trying to offload. I think he just views we both should be able and willing to do parenting to both our kids. These are very new conversations where I’m telling him I’m getting burnt out, I want him to manage his daughter school, meds, room, behavior and I want to take a step back. He has taken on a new job since I became a SAHM so he’s not as involved as he was with school drop off/pick ups, etc. I believe his daughter would benefit from counseling herself due to the co parenting issues and conflicts in her past, I believe she has adhd too and is having struggles come out from that as well. My husband just thinks it will cause a divide being separate so to speak on parenting our kids. But being the one witnessing this type of dynamic first hand, struggling with the mental load and given she’s not my bio child so we don’t have the same bond a parent does with their child, it is just different and regardless of marriage it doesn’t change those facts. Yes we are one as a family but we aren’t the typical dynamic as we all know here, in the blended sub.

Husband is open to discussing with someone further to work on it and I believe he’s a pretty open person generally, and I’m not sure if I said this already, but for instance, he did parent to my son last night over an incident that happened before they went to their other parent homes, and I walked into the room as this conversation was mid way. Where he was discussing it in front of his daughter and he didn’t consult with me about it. Anytime I had talked with his daughter (and privately, not in front of my son) I’ve told him what was said etc to loop him in. This situation I was taken aback and upset me because he didn’t clue me in he was going to have this talk, and I don’t appreciate it being done out in front of others. Step daughter had told him privately she feels I don’t take what she says that my son is doing seriously and ignore it, yet actually, I have private talks with him about it, i have at time scolded him in front when I felt appropriate to do so, he’s apologized to her, and he’s just adhd crazy. Where I’m medicating him, seeking therapy and there’s a good 4-5 year age difference between them too. So he’s the annoying little brother concept at times. But he also is kind, got her gifts, given her extra toys of his, shares his stuff. And everything he does annoys her and she’s said she doesn’t like him xyz.

Anyway I’m adding a rant here and maybe I do a separate post about some of the other aspects. But my point is, I think my husband has a different view is all. He will parent to her and my child, he has helped with cooking and cleaning without asking- it’s just as involved as once was due to his job change. Hope that clears some of it up. And he’s open to talking to someone about these issues to help us work through it.

Me (F31) and my boyfriend (M37) have been together for 1.5 years and known each other for 3 years. We are expecting and timing was a little off as we were planning on getting engaged next year and wedding in 2026. I always hoped those would come before so I am a little stressed about it all. We currently do not live together, he has twins from his previous marriage Boy and girl aged 7, they are great kids. Our plan was to move in together this coming summer 2025 which would give me a chance to bond more with the twins and live with them and navigate that as well, all four of us just finding our groove. I have lived by myself for 4 years and my current lease does not end until September of 2025 which is when we were going to move in together however the baby is due in July. I just do not think I can go from living by myself to living with 2 small children, a new born, plus my boyfriend at 2 months postpartum. I told him in the nicest way possible that this would be a huge adjustment and that I was hoping I would have 1 on 1 time living with the twins at least a year or more before another pregnancy or another baby came along. So I am wanting to just renew my lease for another year and live semi apart, he has joint custody so on the weeks that he does not have the twins he would be fully at my place. I also want the twins to see their sibling as much as possible after school and weekends but I cannot commit to living with them all. As a first time mom I feel like I would lose it, I am naturally a very emotional person but I just feel like it would be too much for me to bond with 7 year olds and with my new born at the same time. I would also never have any time to myself or to relax. And apart of me feels so bad because I do not want him to feel rejected or like I am rejecting the twins but I am just filled with so much anxiety around it and I feel like this should be a peaceful process especially the first few months postpartum. Anyone in a blended family situation that is like this?

Update: I’ve been trying to reply to everyone individually but it’s a bit much so wanted to update here. I think I left some information out and I do think some are not reading my post in its entirety. I am in no way trying or to deprive my boyfriend or the twins from seeing the baby. At all! We are very much in love and I love the twins I’ve known them for over a year and see them often. I voiced all the above to him before even posting here so he knows and we are deciding what is best now. Me and my boyfriend do not live in the same city we are about 1 hour away at the moment 1.5 with traffic. His children obviously go to school there and in the past few months him and his ex wife have been talking about getting the kids to a better school district which is close to where I live. It would be great if we can just all move in now but unfortunately they are small children that have school and activities in another city so would not be able to change schools until next school year which starts September of 2025. My current lease is up in the same month. And I am due in July. Now to the sake of not moving at such a sensitive time plus for my own mental sanity I brought up extending my lease for 6-12 months more just to alleviate the stress of giving birth and bonding etc. you all are making it seem like the easiest thing in the world to move into a new place with a new born and bond with 3 children all at once for someone who doesn’t have any children that’s not easy and I would like to ease my way into it. I never made it seem like I did not want them to bond or see their siblings. I’m aware that they are already limited in seeing their siblings as bf and ex wife have joint custody of the twins. But this is a very temporary solution and they are more then welcome to come during the days, after school, and on weekends. I’m also the only one working right now so financially this is probably the best option as well until my bf is able to find and save for us to get a bigger place because right now there wouldn’t be an option for us to live in my one bedroom apartment. We are reading these comments together and I’m really surprised by someone of them and also realize that reading is fundamental as I know most of the comments did not get through reading before commenting.

My father (60m) is planning on getting married next year to a woman he’s been seeing long distance for 2 years. We have hesitations about the marriage due to her living in another country (he was planning on moving there for retirement anyways) and a significant language barrier. Her English is so poor that we can’t get a feel of her personality/values. My dad claims they communicate just fine.

My question is what are some ways to bring up the topic of a prenup without him getting offended or defensive. We’re happy that he’s finally found “the one” but are concerned that he’ll react poorly to us saying we don’t trust this woman. Because she lives in a developing country, I fear his money is a big motivator for her. Obviously I don’t want to say that to my dad.

***EDIT: My goal isn’t to persuade him of anything, but to be aware of his plans seeing as they’ll be in another country and I can’t communicate verbally with her, should something happen. I think this is reasonable. I just think it’s a bit uncomfortable to bring up.

Thanks

I finally did it this past weekend. I had no choice mostly for my own sanity. We were together for seven years until I found out she took out loans in my name because her child support from her ex was going to sports academy $43k per year and recently found out her daughter was “given” a horse $3k per month. I know I’m a step up kinda guy and she destroyed me. She’s also a narcissist and pathological liar. I will never ever entertain a blended family as this has destroyed me emotionally and financially. Feel free to ask me anything I can give others light on. It’s been hell on wheels.

We both have an adult child living at home with us. Both of them frustrate the hell out of us. Hers with me and mine with her. Tonight we were sitting outside enjoying the fire and the A/C comes on and she gets super pissed. No reason for it to come on and it’s all about mine not caring about the energy and water bill. And I’m totally there with her but I struggle with calling mine out when she won’t call hers out on his shit. Anyway, she has gone to bed upset with me and I’m sitting here on Reddit.

Hello All -

Just looking for any experience/advice. My husband and I have been together about 9 years, married just over 9. I’m 41 and just turned 50. We have a healthy family dynamic. We both have 50/50 splits with our previous spouses and good relationships with them as well. I have to from my first marriage (11 and 15) and he has one (16). At various times we have discussed having a kid, but we weren’t both 100% at the same time. Well, we were before we got married, but didn’t want to move forward with that at that time bc we knew marriage and blending would be a lot of work. All this to say, we are both in a spot now where we are open to trying. We have a fantastic marriage and I know he is truly my person. But we have never had any years without kids. I know a child with him would be amazing, and he thinks the same. But there’s a tiny sliver of me that wonders if we had a child will we regret not having those empty nest years until much later in life? Please don’t take the word ‘regret’ to mean regretting the child…I’m not sure how else to word it so that it might not ruffle some feathers. I’m excited for the flexibility those years will bring, but also know having a child with him would be amazing. I know you can’t predict anything and “what-ifs” are simply that. Just wondering if anyone has been in a similar scenario and how it all worked out for you all. Also want to add, I was the result of a teen pregnancy and adopted by late in life parents with grown children. I was the only child they had together. I had the most incredible childhood and my adoptive dad was 50 when I was born. TIA for any insight.

Hello reddit,

My fiance and I have taken things very slow. I have 2 kids, he has 2 kids. All around the same age.
-Didn't introduce until over 6 months.
-Slowly started spending more time together
-Started occasional sleepovers
-Got engaged after being together over 2 years.
-Started bi weekly one night sleepovers
-Moved in at 3 years

It has been a long journey, and we have intentionally gone slow, to monitor everyone's feelings.

All was going well, until somewhere between getting engaged and moving in. Fiance's ex wife was NOT happy we got engaged. She told my fiance, she should have told her first before proposing to me. "She had to a right to know first, as the co-parent".

My fiance has 2 sons. 12 and 10. The 10 year old does not sleep in his own bed at his moms. Mom and the 10 year old co sleep, he is unable to fall asleep on his own. With my fiance, knowing we would be moving in... he gradually stopped co-sleeping, but would still give in on occasion. He has to sit next to bed, and wait for him to fall asleep.

The son is in therapy, before we got engaged, (he has a lot of struggles, doesn't do well with change, very focused on himself, not winning etc). My fiance spends the most time with him. LOTS of 1 on 1 time, my fiance is a great dad, but it is NEVER enough for the 10 year old. If he gives him 80% of his time, he is focused on the 20%.

Now that we have moved in, the 10 year old does not like me anymore. Main reason, he's upset I sleep in the bed with his dad, as he wants to. Also he's annoyed that I asked him to try a vegetable. (Side note, I once asked him to try a dish I made, and it's now his favourite dish). I only ask to try, never force to eat. Now though, I say nothing, ask nothing. We all walk on egg shells, and my kids see how the 10 year old gets special treatment.

The ex wife sent an article that blended families cause trauma. The 10 old used to really like me. Now he often ignores me if I say hello, goodbye, if I try to talk to him. My fiance tries to encourage him sometimes, but often doesn't, as he doesn't want to upset him.

I don't feel like this place is my home at all. I feel like an unwelcomed guest. (He has 50/50 custody).

I feel a lot of this is the ex wife, loving that her son his having issues with us. The 10 year old even told my fiance, that the mom said that he's picking me over him (as he didn't want us to move in).

I'll add, they have been divorced for 9 years, my fiance asked for a divorce as she refused to stop cheating. You read that right. She wanted an open marriage, for her only.

Sorry for the ramble. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

It's only been 6 months. Will it get better? I don't know if I can live like this.

I have a 5 year old boy and my fiancé has a 4 year old boy.

My kids are with us almost all the time whereas his are with us less than 50/50.

Trying to do bedtime with them has been a nightmare. They keep each other up and do not settle. We have tried lying with them until they fall asleep but are getting resentful and short fused.

Any advice would be welcome!

We have been together 5 years. We have 3 boys 10 - my fiancées son 8- my son and 9 months- the knot that ties us all together. My fiancee has a 50/50 custody arrangement with his child’s mother but we have our 10 year old probably more 70/30 5 days a week for sure and. They rotate Wednesday and every other weekend but she always needs us to pick him up or take him extra nights which is fine we would rather have him. I’m a teacher and my fiancee is a financial advisor and able to adjust his hours and works from home and stays with the baby during the dayso I go to work ( bring the kids with me as they attend where I teach ) and home I pack lunches in the morning and make sure they’re set there. Here’s the issues my SO frequently wants to take his son the 10yo to do things just him and his son without the baby or me or my son. Which I understand for events like birthdays or special occasions but when I want to do things with my son he feels I need to bring the baby and don’t need to have one on one time with my 8 year old I work during the day so I need to bring the baby and only he should be spending one on one time and also likes to try to throw my sons father in my face ( since he’s a dead beat and I have sole custody ) My perspective is sure you can take him to do things but I would like the same respect to be able to do that with my son as well. My true perspective is that we shouldn’t be excluding anyone we should all be participating in things as a family because it’s hard enough blending as it is. I’ve never said oh I’m taking my son to do this you stay here with the baby and your son it just seems disrespectful and like we will never be able to have a healthy family. I don’t need nasty comments just looking for an outside perspective it doesn’t really seem fair.

Today my 13 year old daughter ran away from home to Manhattan (we are in queens.) she’s been suffering from extreme anxiety and depression. This year she was hospitalized for a whole month due to a breakdown. She was out on meds and has counseling 2x per week. I got her a 504 plan to help her deal with some difficulty at school. She moved back in with me full time during the 3rd week of October and so far I have seen nothing but progress. I try really hard to be there for her, validate her experience, and also hold her accountable for her progress.

She ran away today because my husband, her stepdad, spent about 15 min verbally berating her because she was late for school. He mocked her mental health and medication, told her she has no friends and it’s all her fault because she is fake, told her he doesn’t want her here and would rather have a different kid (her friend who was over the other day) live here instead of her.

She called me crying from penn station. He told me not to go pick her up but obviously I rushed there to get her. She cried to me, I told her what he said is a reflection of him not her and how much I absolutely love her no matter what. Now I’ve looked at the ring camera footage and it really breaks my heart and makes me so upset with him

All this week I’ve been trying to go to a family resource office and report his abuse of me. It’s been an extremely busy week with the baby, my oldest, one of her friends had a family issue and I had to take him in- it was non stop. Now he’s harassing my daughter.

I went to the office but they said I needed to come back Monday. Now my poor kids are here, just staying in their room together, obviously uncomfortable with his presence but I cannot get him to leave. He says if he leaves he is taking my 10 month old breastfed baby with him and he has threatens that he and his family will take her to their country.

I’m upset at myself for not getting him out of here sooner. I’m upset at the office because they can’t help us until Monday. I’m mad at him for treating us this way.

I want this to be over. I just want to be in MY home living peacefully with my kids.

Blending families was the worst thing I’ve ever done. His own 7 year old daughter has skipped her EOWE visits twice. She hasn’t seen her dad since October 19 and may not see her until December 14 (I’m away with my kids and our only car thanksgiving weekend which is her next visit so he probably won’t see her if I’m not home to do the majority of childcare)

I am going to report him and he may go to jail. If he does he will get out and take my stability with him. He pays the car payment/insurance, home internet, and cell phone. I had a paid off car but he convinced me to trade it for this newer vehicle that he put in his name only! Does anyone know of any resources that could help a newly single, stay at home mom who is escaping her family from domestic violence? I’m going to work with my local office but maybe there’s something more available. Especially to help me get a vehicle. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy just something to get my kids to and from school, doctors, and their other parent.

Any advice at all. I’m just trying to keep my kids spirits up and tell them this will hopefully be the last weekend we ever have to deal with his abuse

Context: I'm a stepmom of a teenager whose parents have been divorced since he was two. I've been in his life since he was four.

His parents hate each other. His mom is still holding onto grudges from when they were married (not my opinion, something that was recently stated by a court appointed custody evaluator). My husband can't stand that she keeps dragging him back to court in an effort to get full custody (every attempt is a waste of money to lawyers). Despite this, the two of them are always friendly when everyone has to meet up in person. (Picture back to school nights.)

However, she has a new live in boyfriend who can't seem to behave. Recently I was speaking with her regarding her son/my stepson and asking if she needed any help due to school issues during her custodial time. He came storming over, mad that we were talking for too long, and then turned to me and aggressively started demanding to know why I wouldn't let them change my stepkid's school when the current school is an inconvenience for him.(To specify, the school is an inconvenience for the boyfriend who is apparently acting as a chauffeur. The boyfriend then yelled at me over how much he hates driving the kid around. Luckily the kid was not present for this.)

And to be clear, the mom never asked to change schools. I'm getting yelled at for a conversation that hasn't happened and that I wouldn't be a part of even if it did.

This is only my second interaction with this man but on a previous one it seemed like he was trying to provoke my husband into fighting with him. (My husband just pulled his ex aside and told her to get her boyfriend under control that time.)

This time my husband wasn't there and his ex just shooed her boyfriend away telling him she didn't want to change schools either but I was left horrified by the exchange.

I'm torn between texting her and asking if she needs help getting out of an abusive relationship and texting asking if she can leave her boyfriend at home in the future. Obviously both are bad ideas. Just looking for some helpful suggestions here. I don't want to skip future school events, but I also don't want this aggressive loose cannon anywhere near myself or my other kids.

I (38M) have been dating my girlfriend (32F) for almost a year. When we lived apart, our relationship was less stressful, more exciting, and it felt like we were more purposeful with our time together. We made the choice to move in together after her divorce was finalized and she and her ex-husband had to sell their house, so she and her three kids (9M, 7F, 5M) moved in with me and my two girls (11F, 8F).

We had gotten to know each other's kids before making this decision, and even though I knew our parenting styles were polar opposites, I thought that a positive male influence, as well as the influence from my peaceful and well-behaved daughters, would help her kids. I feel badly for them because I know they're not bad kids. They just have bad parents. They have never been disciplined, they swear, they're violent, they throw massive temper tantrums whenever they don't get their way, they knock furniture down, they try to hurt my girlfriend when she tells them no, they create massive scenes in public, and they say hurtful things to me and my girls when they're upset. They are arguably very difficult for me to love. They're just lost and have never been taught how to manage their emotions. My girlfriend's parents were never around when she was a child, so I understand that it's a challenge for someone like that to be a mother when she never had one herself. It also doesn't help that my girlfriend is a very high-functioning alcoholic because of her trauma, which adds even more layers of complication.

For the last 5 months, my girlfriend has been saying that they feel unwelcomed and that they always feel that they have to act a certain way because they came into my house with my rules and my way of doing things. It hurts to hear that, but at the same time I can't help but feel like what she's really saying is, "I've realized how shitty of a parent I am and I hate the fact that your kids are so easy to love and so well behaved and my kids are way worse than I thought, and I don't know what to do." Things have gotten to the point where my 11 year old doesn't want to stay with me on the days that I have her because the kids stress her out so much. This absolutely killed me.

My girlfriend is taking it as a personal attack saying that since her kids are an extension of her, then my daughter must not like her either, and she's going to stop putting in effort to be close to both of my girls because my 11 year old hates her kids. She doesn't hate them...she just wants to feel safe in her own home without kids she's not even related to screaming, fighting, swearing, being violent, or not listening to their mom all the time. I'm at a lost as to what to do because my girlfriend and I love each other so much. It's impossible to explain to her that my feelings and my daughter's feelings are valid and important because all she can think about is how rejected she and her kids feel because we don't want them living with us anymore. She constantly says, "I want to be with someone who loves me and my kids", and it doesn't seem like she's truly ready to admit that her kid's behavior will prevent that from happening, regardless of who she's in a relationship with. HELP!

Phones and Technology are a nightmare if your SK has a nosy HCBM. We've tried to limit his use of the phone she gave him while he is here, because we knew she would be doing this. We've lost that battle. What 15 year old kid doesn't want his phone. (Don't bother giving parenting advice, as I'm not the parent who had the say-so on that.) She has confirmed via rude emails (we routinely get email reports on our deficiencies as parents) that:

1. She tracks his usage so she can show if he's up in the night.
2. She can read all texts from us to him, at any time.
3. She can see his location while he is with us, including every drive.
4. By opening his Life 360 when she has his phone in hand, she can track any of us in the family too. This means she knows everywhere we go, how fast we drove to get there, and if our drive had any hard braking, rapid acceleration, and phone usage.

Can we all just pause and take in the enormity of how much technology intrudes on our lives?

She's probably figured out a way to hack my phone. She probably knows I'm typing this right now. She probably knows how many steps I've had today and when my next period starts.

Is this an issue in other blended families? Or do we just have a HCBM with no hobbies? She is literally obsessed with her son. He is her only child and she would make any other helicopter parent look negligent.

For reference, I'm a 36-year-old woman who has dated a couple of men seriously since my divorce. I have two children, 11 and 14, who live with me nearly full-time. When I first got divorced and began dating, I had this idea in my head about creating a blended family—eventually moving in with my partner and him being a good stepdad to my kids. I envisioned having a new "family": game nights, ball games, birthdays, vacations—all of us, one big happy family.

As I grow into my post-divorce self and begin to look at life realistically, I’m not sure if that’s what's best for us anymore. My boys and I have a great life; I’m financially sound enough to maintain our household and lifestyle. We have a puppy and a good routine. I don’t need too much help because of our proximity to their schools, my working hours, and their ages. Even when I do need help, I have a nanny who drives them where they need to be or stays with them if I'm out late. The point is, I’m doing okay on my own.

So, what if that dream changes into something else? What if it becomes finding a person who is so fulfilling to me, and only me, and he and I have a life that's separate from the kids for a while? I parent when I need to parent, and I’m his partner when I don’t need to parent. What if we do that for a while, and then slowly start doing activities together, but not too much? He becomes more of a friend to the kids, who comes around sometimes but never lives with us and doesn’t impose on their pre-teen and teenage lives.

I’m from a blended family, and I think we all know how traumatizing it can be at first. The younger kids eventually adjust and grow into the new norm, but I fear my kids are too old. I worry the upheaval a move-in would cause might affect their final years at home, and they’d leave for college with negative memories of their time with me. We all know transitions like that cause upheaval—what if there's not enough time for the dust to settle before they move out? What if the last memories they have of living at home are of feeling weird around a stranger (to them) I moved in, who caused their world to feel so different?

What if I waited? What if I wait until the boys are older and have moved out before I consider moving in with someone? What if the dream of having a family is different than I thought it would be? What if my family looks like this right now, and later, I can come home to my partner every day when I’m done coming home to my kids every day? What if I’m selfish and pick a partner who is perfect for me, instead of needing someone who’s also perfect for my kids? Maybe I should finish this phase of my life first, before starting the next one.

Sorry for the long post—my head is clearly jumbled. I’m just really struggling to picture a future with a person who (even the perfect person would) will cause chaos for my kids and leave them feeling at least slightly uncomfortable at home.