Please tell me if this isn’t allowed. I’m really just looking for advice. Im dating a man who has two kids that lose their mom. The kids are 2.5 and 1.5. I love both the kids very much I also know their mom loved them very much . Their dad and I have worked very hard to make sure that she is still a part of their life. We have pictures all over the house and we tell them story all the time. I know they’re both really young which is why I’m coming here to ask for advice of children who have lost parents and the living parent remarried . If you had step parents, what do you wish they would’ve done? What did they do to respect the parents that you lost? I just want to make sure I’m doing the best thing when it comes to them.

The past month, had been the first time since April, since I'd lost my mum, that I'd not felt hopeless. The opposite, I had hope, I felt positive, I was motivated, I'd developed a good routine, was eating properly, every day too, working out every day, taking good care of myself, things were going well, I didn't spend a terrifying amount of time praying for my own death. Dare I say I'd started to feel happy again. the last few days, its all collapsed. External influences stopped my routine, things began to slip. The anxiety crept back in. No sleep, not eating, feeling so alone, An argument later and I catch myself rocking back and forth, my mind a clouds and ygcof anger, fear, hopelessness and that nasty voice screaming in my head that everything is fucked and I want to kill myself. It went to here so fast, when I realised, I was in disbelief and feeling more alone and hopeless than ever. I have no support from anyone, which is why I turn here. I've been trying so fucking hard to keep myself strong, and support the people I love that are also struggling. I'll put that before myself, try and carry them along with myself. But I just can't it anymore. I've been ruined, torn down to where I started, in a matter of days, and it just isn't fair. I'd give my life to help those Iove, but if I have no life to give, its pointless. Hopefully getting this out will help, and the voice screaming at me to end it softens. I know I can get myself stable and doing now. I just need to hold on until tomorrow. If I can get through tonight, hopefully I can claw myself back to where I'd been, just 4 days ago. Right now, everything seems so bleak

I (29F) lost my mom 1.5 weeks ago. And today I suddenly miss her terribly. How do you cope when you are thinking of your mom?

both of my parents passed by the time I was 22 (now 27). i have only attempted therapy once at my very lowest and only attended 3 sessions. i've had some pretty shitty stuff happen to me since my parents passed and always feel like I have to stay strong (mainly because people always applaud me for how strong i appear to be). i hate it when people call me that because i've had no choice but to put one foot of the other and keep trekking along.

i thought i would hate it at first but i've just completed my 3rd session and can't believe i've gone through all the shit i've been through and never really had someone to talk about it with.

i don't open up very much to people at all and i feel like she is my saving grace at the moment.

I'm going to start by saying that everything I am writing down is exceptionally raw. It's my first attempt at ever putting into words the things I have been feeling for a very, very long time. There are layers upon layers to my story and context that I am still peeling back myself.

For the sake of anonymity, I am going to be brief with details, but it boils down to this-

My dad died when I was 3.5 years old, suddenly. Auto accident.

Dad's death wrapped up in ongoing family drama @ time, which was unrelated to death. But caused serious issues between paternal/ maternal sides with finger pointing, etc.

Within 2 months of dad death- mom gets new BF. He and I are super cool, great dude.

Within 6 months of dad death- mom pregnant with new guy, gonna have a sibling, honestly super pumped.

During this same time--- my mom cut off all communication/ interaction with my biological paternal side as soon as the funeral was over. They're good people, not criminals or drug addicts. More mom's paranoia than anything I guess? At the same time, my new dad is super good to me.

My brother and I are raised as if we are the same blood. Never had any weirdness or anything.

I am raised as if he is my blood father for practically my entire life. I get to know my paternal family a little bit, but really at a distance and discussing my dead dad is discouraged @ home, and super uncomfortable with grandparents because it still hurts them.

Every time the conversation of my dead dad came up with my mom, the conversation was always "yes, that really sucked. But you were really young, and didn't really seem too messed up, so we just made the best of things." And that's totally true on the surface!!!! My life, for the hand I was dealt, shook out pretty damn good.

*fast forward 27 years*

Since the birth of my kid last year, there's been a lot of issues that have led to my family and I being estranged for the last 6 months. Like 0 contact. And in that time, I have been doing all sorts of therapy because I've always suffered from depression, anxiety, and an ADHD diagnosis that makes shit complicated. (I've been in therapy for like a decade, but always danced away from the dead dad stuff tbh) When my family cut me off, my mom said some pretty heinous stuff that had me on the 988 hotline on & off for a few weeks and exposed a lot of raw feelings I had hidden for decades.

I have realized now that I inadvertently have dredged up a lot of old, heavy, hurtful, and confusing feelings about life, and grief, and my dad.

I have all sorts of pictures, videos, and mementos of him. Tons of stuff of him & I playing, and I can see just how much he did love me in the short 3.5 years we got to spend together. And then, it just stops. Shortly thereafter, there's a new guy in the photos and videos and eventual memories that I start being able to remember from my childhood. But I don't have a single god damn memory of my biological father. Nothing to actually hold on to in my mind. I couldn't tell you what his voice sounded like, or his hugs felt like, or how much I loved doing certain activities with him. People tell me pretty often that I am like him, and there was a point in my life where I looked really similar to him. But now I am in a place where I look back at his death, and realize that there is no fucking way that I was OK. There is no way that I just kept on with life and immediately cool with a new dad. But to hear it from my family who was around- life just kept on going and I was fine.

But now I realize that if my 18-month-old bawls when I tuck them in goodnight... that a nearly 4 year old me would have probably been pretty fucking emotionally devastated at the sudden loss of a father who for all intents and purposes, was kinda scrubbed from my life in many ways.

I don't hold any ill will towards my mom or dad who raised me. I don't even call him a stepdad, because he was really truly the only father I ever *knew*, and he deserves recognition beyond stepdad I think. They did the absolute best they could with the resources and information they had at the time.

But now here is where I am stuck at 31, now that I have the emotional ability and tools to recognize things within myself and how I might carry trauma still.

And that exactly is where it starts-- I have NEVER given myself the right to feel trauma. Or traumatized. Or like my life was any harder than anyone else's. Every message I got in childhood, young adulthood, and even into adult life was that "yes, that was hard. But things are good now, so it all worked out for the best!". And frankly, I can't just accept that anymore.

I've realized that an entire "version" of myself was deleted from existence when he died. I never had the chance to know him. It took decades to rebuild a relationship with his family to the point where I can finally be genuine around them and talk about losing him openly. I am just now grappling with the fact that I had my name changed as a kid because I was uncomfortable with anyone thinking/ knowing I was adopted. Until yesterday, I never even googled help articles or information about the effects of early parental loss on children & eventually how it manifests in adults. I spent almost all night devouring everything I could find about how losing a parent at such a young age can really, really fuck someone up.

That's where I'm at.

Until this point in life, I've never been willing to acknowledge how fucked up I am and how I have hidden it or masked it or ignored the symptoms. I am terrified of people dying. I can't see a picture of my biological dad and not wonder who he was, or what life could have been like. I've had crippling depression for a decade where I often find myself contemplating suicide because I am so exhausted of being so emotionally drained. When I get overwhelmed, I overload myself to the point of eventual collapse, and then dissociate to the point of absolute emotional vacancy towards my wife & child. I have racing thoughts basically 24/7, competing to take up residence in the front of my mind, and most of those thoughts lately are all rooted in trying to heal myself and accept all the hurt I am feeling. But jesus christ I want it to be easier. I am willing to work and try and heal. I am doing everything I can think of to try and get over this. I'm getting assessed for ketamine therapy because none of the antidepressants or stimulants or any amount of caffeine is enough to pull me out of this emotional pit that I am stuck in.

So, idk? I started writing this as a way of asking for help, but idk what with. But then the writing became cathartic. If you have something to share that might give me a different perspective, that's cool. Or honestly, just tell me that it's okay to be as fucked up as I am, given the explanation of events that I wrote down. That's the hardest part right now- I don't feel like I have "earned" this level of fucked-upedness and that I'm just weak and/or broken. Also willing to just chat, if anyone has similar experiences and just wants to vent this shit out. It's all so hard and confusing.

Sending love to anyone feeling this way.

Here to just rant. I (f19) lost my mom a little over a year ago. Life’s completely different than when my mom was here. So so many things I want to tell her. But most importantly I have changed so so much in big and little ways than what she knew me as when she was alive.

I find me trying to think of memories of her and the same 10 pop up in my head, but I can hardly remember anything else. It might be due to the fact the year before she had passed she was fighting cancer and that’s really all I can remember. I find myself forgetting how she talked and laughed. I have one video of her I constantly watch just so I can remember. I really just feel like I can’t remember much of her even tho she was apart of my life everyday for 18 years. I feel shitty. I hate it because I can hardly remember her hands, which is a weird thing to say, i know.

I feel like I’m living my second life right now. First one with my mom, and one now without. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve switched career paths, nurse to cosmetology. Or that family events run a whole lot differently. The fact my siblings are also completely different people now, my dad has a girlfriend he loves, we decorate our house differently, and we do things mom never wanted to do. It’s weird, everything’s weird. I feel like I’m living a life that’s not mine. Idk

My mum died 4 months ago. She had motor neurone disease (a progressive terminal illness) for the past 11.5 years - we expected her to only live for 2 or 3 after diagnosis and were so lucky that she lived for so much longer. I’m 18 at the moment and am living with my dad. He works long hours and I don’t see him much. He’s also engaged to another woman now - which I think has been quite difficult for me to process but I’m also really glad that he’s finding light in his life, and ultimately that was his decision to make. Him and my mum always had a loving and healthy relationship. I have moments where I just feel really happy for him and moments where I feel really confused by how quickly he’s moved on.

When he gets married - which will likely be next year - he’ll move out of our house (which is quite dilapidated anyway), and I’ll either stay living in it for a bit or go find an apartment to live in. I know I’m really blessed to have those options but I’m also finding the amount of change that’s going on in my life at the moment really quite difficult to navigate.

Our house used to be filled with carers looking after my mum, machine alarms, and her lovely mechanical Hawking-esque voice. It just feels so empty now, and I feel really lonely. Other than my boyfriend and my best friend, I don’t have anyone that I routinely make contact with. There are days that I wake up in an empty house, go to the library or uni alone, and come home to the same empty house and go to bed - days where I literally don’t interact with anyone. It feels like they’re becoming more and more common, and I’ve noticed I’ve been getting into some really bad eating and social media habits.

Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone had any similar experiences, advice, or anything else. I’m sorry to whinge so much in this post but I just felt like I needed to get my feelings out in words

I booked a half day (afternoon) off work today and said to work that I had “no hot water and that I needed to get an engineer out to my house this afternoon”.

It’s the 20 year anniversary of my mum’s death and I’m struggling mentally. I couldn’t do it. I’m leaving this job anyway and yet to put in my notice (waiting on new job).

I just couldn’t today. Anniversaries trigger my anxiety. I needed the afternoon to feel how I feel. To cry, eat, sleep. Just needed to get that off my chest.

My Dad died 3 years ago in February, I have an 11 year old brother who has lost 2 father figures now to death. I cannot imagine what he feels, I hope he is going to be okay I’m just worried because he never listens to our Mom she try’s and try’s but it always ends up with my brother and her screaming at each other. Yes of course there is good days but some bad I find him crying sometimes saying how bad of a kid he is and it breaks my heart. I wish he could just listen to our Mom. I feel like a shit sister because all I do is work and I’m never home and when I am home I want to rest from work. I have no degree I feel like he looks at me like a loser. our relationship isn’t the best he doesn’t let me talk to him a lot and when I do he always thinks I’m accusing him of something or says that I’m a liar. Our mental from grief is so messed up over here I was just hoping for some advice just because I’m feeling like a shit sister. (Honestly need to vent too thank you)

I lost my mom when I 15. She had cancer. I’m currently 19. I am thinking about getting a tattoo to honour her legacy. I would probably have something that feature dolphins (they were her favourite animal), flowers and the cancer ribbon. I do want to wait a bit until I am much older. I am aware tattoos are permanent and I need to be 100% sure I want this.

Has anyone gotten a tattoo in their mom’s memory?

Since I lost my mum 4y ago and a break up after 10y, I'm still struggling with grief. I have resentment, even with the people closest to me, to the point that I avoid any interaction if possible.

Has anyone experienced such changes, such feelings after the loss of loved ones and advice on how to deal with it?

My mother, the only parent I've had since I was 4, passed away a little over 4 months ago. Idk how to process it still. I turned 30 this year and should probably know by now how to deal with intense emotions but I don't, I just don't.

She was the best person ever. So kind, loving, strong and yet had the worst life. She lost her husband, had multiple miscarriages before I was born and she struggled with breathing issues all her life, it's what finally took her from me.

I watched her skin turn grey and her lips turn blue. How do I shake that image off? How do I bury it? How do I move on?

I was the only child of my parents and though I have a cousin and childhood friends who have been around since the very first day, I have distanced myself from the rest of the family. It feels like such a lonely process and so permanent.

I know anywhere mom is must be better than the life she'd had when she was alive and that's the only thought that gives me some peace of mind but what do I do with all this love now?

I spent the last 6 years being her caregiver and now I am sitting and staring at the TV or doing random stuff all day, just passing time. Wtf is this life?!

I’ve never hated my life like I do now! My mother died when I was 13 due to heart failure and my father just died Friday from end stage kidney failure. IM HURTING SO FREAKING BAD RIGHT NOW! I was doing ok but it’s starting to get worse now that reality is starting to set in. My parents were the only people who loved me unconditionally😖 ever since my mom died my family hasn’t been the same I can’t even enjoy holidays anymore because she was the one who made them joyful! Now that my dad is gone it’s really gonna feel like HELL! I’m not close with any of my family members besides my brother who shares both parents with me and my grandmother! I have 4 other living siblings but my relationship with them is non existent they’re trying to be here for me and my brother since we are the only ones who have no parents left. I feel like such a burden right now because I have to depend on people for everything now which I’ve always hated doing! Almost Every adult in my family has a child and me depending on them would take away from their lives and children’s lives which SUCKS to think about! My father was planning on getting life insurance but he passed before doing that so the only real financial support I have would be my brothers disability check but that can only get us so far ! I feel like the rest of my childhood has been taken away from me! I won’t even be able to have a normal life where I stay with my parents as an adult until I’m ready to leave and start my own family/life!!! I feel so unloved and I know people do love me but it’s not how my parents did and I will NEVER come before anyone else’s children so I’m not a priority for anyone right now. Me and my brother are staying with our grandmother right now but she only has 2 bedrooms and my uncle stays with her so me and my brother have no privacy time to just grieve alone! The home I stayed in with my mom and dad is too depressing to stay in which is why I’m not there plus there are bills that are due which will be taken care of. Me and my brother would like to get a place for the 2 of us so that we wouldn’t have to depend on anyone financially and I have to try and get a job. My grandmother wants to find a place that could fit her my brother me and my uncle but I really don’t want that and I know we would probably live more comfortably and be able to get things besides our basic needs but I’m not a people person I like having my own space and being alone I know how she is and I wouldn’t want company over 24/7. I have no appetite and she’s constantly nagging me about eating😖 I literally just wanna sleep all day to escape the pain! There’s so much stress on me right now it sucks! I know everything is gonna be taken care of financially and stuff but right now it’s very stressful because these are the things I have to discuss with my family! Please pray for me😖😖! I hate seeing people with their mom or dad I get so jealous but I’m happy to see that they don’t have to go through what I have to go through ‼️ SORRY FOR EVERYTHING BEING OUT OF PLACE AND STUFF I JUST REALLY NEEDED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST‼️ALSO I CAN SPELL ITS 5am AND IM TIRED SO YEA‼️

My mom passed away 4 years ago. Thanksgiving will be her anniversary this year. My parents were high school sweethearts. They had 3 kids and were married by 24. My mom became very sick a while before she passed and her quality of life changed but her main focus in life were her husband, kids and her grandkids. After she passed my dad swore he’d never move on which we never wanted or expected him to do. He was 46 when my mom passed away. Regarding the arrangements everything was so dragged out. We didn’t have a service for her until 6 months after she passed. My dad had life insurance on my mom but insisted he never got anything significant enough to bury her or have an resting place set up for her. All the while he was going on vacations every other month with his friends and buying thousands of dollars of useless stuff from Amazon. We never got her buried and we watched him live his best life as we all sat in the grief of losing a parent. After he got her ashes back he put them in a closet with a bunch of old junk he just didn’t wanna deal with apparently and she’s sat there in a dark closet for almost 4 years. Never on display. He didn’t even know I knew she was in the closet. I found her. Last September he announced he was dating someone. I was taken back because just a few months prior he was never going to date anyone again and here he is now announcing a whole relationship. My dad is religious and I called it to my siblings that he’d be married within a year because his religion doesn’t allow for them to be living or sleeping together out of wedlock. So for the past year he’s been really trying to get us to know this woman and as much as I understand I am so incredibly angry that this man has prolonged the grieving process every step of the way and now is making me feel like it’s time to move on. I’ve asked him numerous times even prior to this relationship when he’s going to bury my mom and since the relationship has started he has changed the narrative from I just don’t have the money to do it. To I don’t know what cemetery to bury her in (which some back story, there is a family plot with all my mom relatives in it. When we first started discussing her getting buried we decided she would want to be near my dad and we agreed on one cemetery. Since his new relationship he was trying to have her buried in that cemetery alone because he wouldn’t want his future wife to have to visit him near his first wife rather than have her rested with her family since now he’s deciding he doesn’t want to be buried next to her for sake of what someone he just met might feel. How can you spend 30 years with someone throw them in a closet pretend they didn’t exist and be more worried about what this new woman will feel as if my mother wasn’t a important part of your history. Not to mention how it will make his children feel to have to go to two separate cemeteries to visit their parents who were never even separated. It’s like she died and now she’s getting the boot and the new lady is taking over ) Since this relationship has started he has for the first time ever spoken ill of my mother for the benefit of making himself look good. He has removed any and all family photos from the house she died in. We no longer get birthday cards or holiday gifts. And just a few months ago in a very aggressive tone announced that he is getting married and already bought a house with this woman and the whole family already knows but we aren’t happy enough for him so he has made everyone lie to keep this secret from us. My sister got married a month ago and a week before her wedding started announcing and handing out invites to his wedding. On the day of my sisters wedding he was supposed to come for first looks and bring my sister to the church for the wedding she wanted that bonding moment with her parent before she got married and without asking my dad brought his new woman and the three of them drove to the church as my sisters last moment with our last name. As someone who’s spent so much time and money and energy trying to do the most for my sister and this wedding and fill in the shoes of my mom since she can’t be here on top of all of that it really hurt me to feel like this woman got to spend those last moments with my sister after I had just spent the last 12 hours hugging her and telling her how proud or mom would be. At the reception out of the whole room my father and his woman stood in front of a photo of my mother and hugged and kissed all night. They’re getting married in a few weeks and I hate everything about this. I know I’m being stupid and selfish but honestly I feel like I’m the only one who’s standing up for my mother. I will not replace her and I will not watch her be disrespected

On Thanksgiving of 2021, right as my brother was driving my sister and I to our grandparents to see my dad's side of the family, we suddenly got a call from our mother telling us to come back immediately. When we walked into our house she had to tell us that my dad's home health aid (dad had muscular dystrophy) had found our dad dead in his chair, sitting in front of his computer. He had a sudden heart attack.
I was barely 18 when this happened and I don't remember much of that time very well because I have borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder, which led to me having an episode around the time of his funeral. It mostly consisted of me joking around and ignore everything that happened and pretending it wasn't real. I'm 21 now and for some reason stuff is hit ting harder than it ever has- and not just when it comes to my dad. I've been reacting to things so much stronger recently and it's overwhelming me. Thanksgiving is coming up soon and I don't want to go home. I don't want to do our horrible stupid Thanksgiving in memory of my dad. I don't want the holiday to exist. I just want to stay at school and ignore everything, but I can't. My mom is making me come home. Which by the way, is not even our actually house because that is being rebuilt after a fire we had in October 2022. I'm so overwhelmed and exhausted and I just need to vent to people who can understand.

Does anybody also experience this?

It’s been 4 months since I saw my mother pass away while in incredible pain. Screaming for her own mother. This has obviously traumatised me, also confirmed by my therapist. So how come I can talk about it? I can say that I saw her die, and I know that she died, but why doesnt it hurt when I talk about it? Is it a different brain area? At different times I cant even breathe because this moment haunts me.

Can anyone relate to this? Does this have something to do with me being only 18?

October 31 2024

I finally understand cognitive dissonance. Thanks dad. This is fucked up very much.!!

Tonight I met a friend of my friend Jon. He came by to visit Jon while I was already there hanging out. I got to talking to him and he started reading me just kind of organically manifested impromptu mediumship session with me. (Cool I’m thinking awesome finally). The flow was completely natural. He knew nothing about me at all and told me he doesn’t take money for his work.

Awesome ok so either I’ll learn this is bullshit or I’ll know finally it’s not (hoping for second one here )

This is how it went down.

Ok. He said who in your family has a letter s. I could think of no one. So I’m thinking ok all the people who died. I’m like Stephanie ? I had just been thinking about all the death in my life. Nothing I said out loud to anyone tho. Sooo He said yes Steph. She’s so loud. Ok. (Stephanie. Not a family member. But I was just going over all the deaths I’ve been thru. Stephanie was my best friend. She died when she was fifteen in a tragic car accident. Only killed her. This was my first major traumatic death. At fourteen myself. This fucked up my trajectory in a major way. ). So. . This could mean that this poor girl. Hasn’t moved on from that last day. She’s still fifteen in that universe. That’s fucked up. Like. What the fuck what the actual fuck.

Ok. How is that like. Ok ? If there is divine guidance loving understanding compassionate creator. Blah blah. Why have this happen ?

It literally broke my heart thinking that Stephanie could be stuck as her fifteen year old self. ( she was super loud personality. ). All this time. TWENTY YEARS LATER. So this is kinda not the major point but definitely relevant because. That poor girl. She’s lost in between lives still fifteen for twenty years. If god exists and is ok with this then. He’s a sadist. End of story

Gross I’m so sad for her. Then. This happened. Gets so much worse ok. Hold on

So

So then he says (the medium) that he would have loved to have the kind of parent child relationship that I had with my dad. like that because he never had that. His mom tried to throw him away. His story is horrific and there was NO love from his parents.There is no way they loved him even a little with the shit they did to him.

Anyhoo ./:..So. Then I said yeah. My dad and I were best friends. I feel for people who don’t get this experience with at least one parent. But. It’s not really the norm I don’t think. Parents shouldn’t always be best friends. They should be mentors too yknow. And if that means. You know what. My kid may resent me for awhile if I make the better decision for her. In time. She will understand. That’s what a parent does. Makes the difficult decisions for their kids. To basically set them up for the best kind of trajectory. I told him (the medium ) that we were so close. Like it’s gotta be like those soul unions where we incarnate in the same like families just different roles type shit because. We were tight. For real. The bond goes deep. But. I hate that I’m saying this. Maybe it wasn’t a bond. But something more insidious than that. Then he says he looks like this ( my dad) is this short stocky Italian man. Gentle giant. I said that’s my dad. Then he said. ( my dad now speaking through ) Remember that thing I told you. I told you that to just solidify our relationship or like make you understand how much I love you. So then. Keep what I said. That day. He literally threatened me “ you better take that To your grave. Don’t tell anyone. Because. You’ll hurt my reputation as a gentle giant. I said ok I understand but tell him fuck you im not taking this shit to my grave. Ok ?! FUCK HIMMM

Sooooo

Did my dad really just speak thru a medium to me to tell me I better not write that book and let people know what he said to me. About the heart attack. For his own reputation ? When he’s not even alive anymore. ? Did this reaaaalllyyy. Just happen. Because I am pissed I told him. I’m not gonna keep this to myself thank you very much but. He will forgive me and understand in the end. I’m not mad tho I still love him

Booooomm cognitive dissonance. I should be disgusted. And I am. But I still love him. Now I understand thanks dad. Still love you btw

So. TLDR; my father told me “You’re going to drive me into an early grave !,Noelle!!! You’re going to give me a heart attack. Is that what you want to do to your father !!! ?!” And Then guess what. ? My dad he died from a massive heart attack one week later. Working on a book about this th3 title is gonna be something like ‘echoes of a heart attack. Did my dad really just reach out thru a medium to try and prevent me from writing this book about him and my life ?! For his reputation?!? He’s fucking dead. FUCKK I should be a lot angrier about this. Ahhhhh!!!!!! I’m still not mad at him I’ll always love him. Ok now I understand what cognitive dissonance is. Thanks dad.

This is me taking everything he said to me as true. Now of course some of it could be some bullshit. But this is the first time I met this dude. He has no idea who I am. He didn’t want any money or anything in return. So assuming everything is true (tbh I have no reason to not believe him.). I feel violated. By my own father. After death. Now I’m definitely going back through everything with a different lens. And that fucking sucks. He could have said I love you I miss you. But no. Even in death. He’s expecting me to save his face ?! Ok now I’m disgusted and in re questioning EVERYTHING about my dad. And how truly selfish he always has been and apparently still is. Ugh. And further still now starting to see how shame is a generational thing.

Because his brothers. My uncles. React in the same way. Now I’m the big shameful thing. No one knows what to do with me but they also don’t show up like they promised me they would. They said of course. We’re family. But they shamed me every step of the way from the moment he died and then each and every point thereafter. Now they don’t even reach out to me. And I can bet in their conversations amongst themselves they’re all. Ugh we feel so bad for Noelle ugh poor Noelle. But I haven’t heard from them in a few years. Family comes to swoop you up when you need help not keep you tucked away. Because they’re ashamed of you. So this means that the trauma runs deep. Well guess what. I know now if I write this book it means my family will never speak to me again. It’s true. Oh well. This time I’m gonna stand by my convictions. Fuck keep this in the home shit. YOU SHOULD SUPPORT whatever I need to heal. Even if it looks bad on you. So be it. I haven’t spoken to my oldest son in almost seven years. It hurts. But I don’t force it because. Why would I ? That’s selfish. If he doesn’t want to then it won’t. I’m sure in time he’ll seek me for answers. I hope. But this is his experience. Why would I want to take that from him ???

I lost my father at 13 years old, I love him very much and I have many special memories with him with the very limited amount of time I got to spend with him as a child. Him and my mum broke up before I was born but remained friends and he was so caring and you really could tell he cared about all of his kids as he’d always make plans, drop money off for my mum to spend on me and offer what he could to make his kids happy and I really do miss him very much.

His death was so painful, the most painful thing I’ve ever been through yet when I think about it today I don’t feel grief nor do I feel sadness when I think about him unless I’m having a deep conversation or having deep thoughts. I often make jokes about the subject where it fits in and I don’t seem to show any sadness when talking about him and it makes me feel slightly guilty. I know I care but I just don’t get emotional 99% of the time when his death or his life is mentioned but I know I care deeply.

Is this maybe a coping mechanism my brain is doing to just numb the thought of his death or maybe is it just because I was so young I’ve grown used to him not being around? ❤️

The youngest of us three children and my brother is the first to have a baby on the way. We lost our mom in 2013 to a house fire and they lost their dad new years of 2021. We don’t have anyone but each other. I can’t help out as much as I want due to being stationed a day in a half away from home with little to no leave occurred. My sister is helping out as much as she can. This man has a heart of gold and would give his shirt off his back to just about anyone. If you want here is his baby registry. I’ve gotten a few things but I want so badly to be able to buy them all that he needs and more for his first born. https://www.amazon.com/baby-reg/taylor-hagen-february-2025-danville/3QMJ1CX1O8AUY

Hi all, I lost my dad at 14 and I’m now 17. I’m struggling with a way of moving forward and coming past grief even though it’s been three years since the day he passed. I have trouble with the concept of still pushing forward even though most of it feels meaningless, what I thinks down to my dad passing and contemplating the concept of what it means to be alive and what I’m going to do with myself for the rest of my life. It might all be down to the big changes happening right now such as going to university and leaving what I have now behind. I’m just wondering overall does it ever stop when days feel like they just merge into each other and there are days in your life what are key moments.

I lost my dad to cancer when I was 10 (I'm 32 now), and until recently I thought that I had gotten over it. Now I'm struggling with depression and have to come to realize that maybe my dad's death is a big part of why I'm depressed 20 years later.

I have felt like having a dad is such a distant thing to me that it's almost like it was another life completely. Very rarely I'm even thinking of my dad, I have some nice memories of him that pop up sometimes, but I have kind of felt like I'm not even emotionally attached to him anymore, it was just something that happened a long time ago. Feels bad to write it down, but that's how I feel. Growing up I was of course sad that I lost my dad and missed him often. As a kid I was also somewhat anxious about meeting new friends, I was always afraid that they would ask something about my dad which would always lead to me crying. Father's days were also like torture to me. It could very well be that I have learned to just suppress my feelings and grief for my dad so that life would be manageable.

My life has gone quite well, I went to college, got a nice job and have a stable long term relationship. During past few years I have been depressed which is manageable with drugs, but I have started to feel like I will never get "normal" again. I have also gone to therapy, and my therapist naturally thinks that my dad's death has an impact on my depression, which I haven't really internalized since it doesn't feel like a big deal to me anymore.

Recently we have talked more about my dad and I think it has kind of opened my old wounds. I ended up reading about the effect that losing a parent has to a kid and how it can impact mental health later in life. I discovered that kids that have lost their parents are many many times more likely to develop depression later on in life. I don't fully understand all the mechanisms behind that, it's too complex for me. Reading that article I felt like they were writing about me and about the difficulties I had as a kid. It created an emotional connection to the topic of my dad's death and I have cried regularly since. This is maybe exaggerated, but I feel like I have this "curse" from my dad dying while I was a kid. That I have a chronic illness, that something went wrong in my development which now makes me depressed and I cannot recover.

It would be nice to hear if this brought up any thoughts in others. I'm struggling to find resources about this topic. Even scrolling through this subreddit I'm thinking that something is off with me as most people are describing how they miss their parents every day etc. I assume I will be processing this topic in therapy for a while and hopefully that helps. Maybe I just haven't grieved enough and all that bottled emotion has shut my brains off?

Now it seems in addition to dreading the present and future, esp with the holidays coming, I also can’t even think about the past. Meaning, if I think back to something I did in June, like a family vacation (even without him in it), I immediately get sad because I think “he was alive then and I didn’t call for three weeks.” Etc

For anyone who has lost their mother before age 5, how did it impact you growing up?

Anyone else planning to or imminently becoming a new mom with no parents ? Ugh it’s such an emotional rollercoaster

I had never wanted children my whole adult life, but the loss of my mum last year kicked off an incredibly strong change of heart, which I never expected. I also lost my dad 7 years ago, so now I’m facing becoming a parent without either of them.

My mum would have been a wonderful granny, and I know she would have been able to give me such great advice and support and care. My in-laws are lovely, but I know mum would have really nurtured and spoiled a grandchild in a special way. I also could have leaned on her in a way I can’t with them.

It devastates me that the only reason my heart has changed is because the profound life altering experience of loss and grief, but that is also that’s the reason my future child will not have my parents as grandparents. Catch 22.

It’s so hard that this profound and joyful life experience will be completely linked to the most devastating pain.

So
My mom died when I was 11. Breast cancer, struggled for 10 years. I have no memory of her, or anything from my childhood.
I know my dad was a terrible dad, actually still is a terrible dad. So much that my brothers cut any contact with him ages ago. I still talk to him though, sometimes. I feel guilty not too. He is depressed and has no friends.
Most of the time I wish he didn't exist.
I stopped talking to my brothers around 6 years ago. They were mean and selfish and me staying hopeful that they will be kind to me always left me in tears. So one day, after an especially bad day, I decided not to be in touch with them anymore.

I thought I was used to it. I thought it was fine. I lived like this for many years, was in boarding school so I would create my own sense of belonging, and it was fine. I was depressed, but I thought everybody is depressed at high-school. I then went and found new families, like my boyfriend's family or a extra-nice friend's family. I thought my boyfriend and I are fine as a family together.

Only now i'm 25, and I thought I'm fine. But i'm not.

The past months I started crying somedays. For many hours, not being able to stop. Just crying. I met some cousin the other day, and I cried at her house for 3 hours straight not knowing what to say. I am so sad, just so so sad. And it all must be related. It's just that I thought I was fine.

I want someone to say that they have been through the same. That they get it. Someone without a family to say that it you grow out of it. To understand. I want someone to see my non-fineness, and hug me, and say that it's fine.

Okay, so there’s a lot to unpack here. I lost my dad to suicide in May, then lost my mom to brain cancer shortly after. My dad’s 2 sisters haven’t informed my grandpa that my dad has passed away. They claim they think he’s “too old” to handle the news, but I think that’s total bull. He lives in Hong Kong, and I have no way of contacting him except through my aunties.

I can’t describe how disgusted I feel about the situation. My grandpa has significant wealth that he would’ve divided between his three children, and I’m quite certain that they’re withholding this information from him so he won’t amend his will. My grandpa is not a selfish man, and he’d want to help me if he knew what’s happened. I should probably hire a lawyer, and I’m debating reaching out to my other relatives to explain the situation. My dad didn’t feel seen or accepted by his sisters, and to me, they’re completely disrespecting him after death by not telling my grandpa that he’s passed. Mind you, I’m in my early 20s and they’re in their late 50s.

I had a short meeting with my eldest auntie and her husband at a hospital while my mom was still alive. My uncle said that what my dad did was “selfish and cowardly.” He told me this in front of my mom (who was dying from brain cancer) just a couple months after my dad passed. I was speechless at the time, but I’ve felt a lot of anger and resentment towards him after that meeting.

I’ll be discussing this much more with my therapist, but I just felt like I needed to vent. I’m so disappointed in them.

When I was 2 in 2002 my dad shot my mom and then shot himself In front of me and my 3 older siblings. After this event I bounced around different households and different caregivers so there were some abandonment, trust and codependency issues. so I had a lot of trauma since I was 2 and growing up the people that took me in were also a very harsh and rough family we will call it tough love. But growing up I was always taking meds and seeing therapists and trying to understand why everyone in the house I live in has the same last name people at school thought of me weird but I was a weird kid I’ve never been diagnosed but I probably have some sort of autism or asburgers or something I don’t know lol but I worked at a young age I served my country in the navy for 6 years honorably and I make a really good living but anxiety and depression has been a ginormous problem in my life. I don’t find interest in doing anything people don’t understand me and I’ve never met someone in my shoes to relate to.

My goals are to be happy and mentally stable and to have a good healthy lifestyle and be financially free but I have no motivation…all I wanna do is sleep and let the ptsd go away and I struggle with girlfriends because I’m so codependent on women I don’t want to get left and abandoned I just got out of a relationship with a girl I thought I was going to marry and it’s because of the problems I have and idk how to fix them. I’ve been trying for 23 years I’m just so different from everybody and so un normal. My cries and everything I think is different. I just don’t know what to do anymore other than just thinking about death. I live by myself in a state with none of my family in it and I’m all alone. If someone could give me some advice or point me I. The right direction on how to make myself be the best person I can be it would mean alot.

I wasn’t sure if I should post this here or in relationship advice. But anyway my (28F) father passed away about 2.5 years ago and it completely changed the trajectory of my life. It forced my husband (30M) of only one year at the time to put all of his plans on pause and live with me, my mother and sister for 2 years so I could be there for them and we could grieve together. I’m extremely grateful for everything he has done for my family. Recently we moved to a city across the country from my mom and for the first time since my dad passed I’m living away from her and I’m having an incredibly hard time. I believe I’m having death anxiety for my mom. I’m realizing that by losing my dad now I’m hyper aware that my mom is all I have left and losing her would absolutely crush me. I find myself thinking why am I living so far from her, I should be cherishing every moment I have with her. She’s not even ill or anything. But my husband has no desire to leave this new city any time soon because he came here to further his career and to fulfill a lifelong dream. I’m trying so hard to be a good wife and be there for him but there’s just this constant anxiety I live with that we’re making a horrible mistake by living away from family. I don’t know if I’m seeking help or just ranting. But I think I need to speak to a therapist.