Yesterday I told my psych that I relapsed in my ed and told her the amount i’ve lost (i said … kg in 3 weeks but it was actually … kg in 1 week) and she said that it’s bordering the intense weight loss amount and I need to see a dietitian. I told her that was a hard pass and explained my fears. Then she said at the very least I need to open up to my partner about it. I did, and he took it hella personally like he was the cause. I’m not sure what to say or do to show him it’s not him it’s me (i know, soo cliche)

i haven’t had a period since may, but right now i can hardly focus on anything because of the pain in my lower abdomen. im not sure what else it could be? it feels a lot like cramps but i haven’t had any indications that i’m gonna get my period again any time soon. should i be concerned ?

Idk. I’m trying to eat like a normal person but eating more makes me purge when I lose control. And purging makes me go crazy. Trying to recover is hard when I’m yo-yoing between restricting out of guilt, normal eating, and savagely raiding the fridge and pantry. Ig my body is just looking for nutrients but it’s a vicious cycle every day. I hate that I’m gaining weight. I hate how I look. I hate eating. I hate hearing I need help. My mother makes comments about every little thing I do when she literally has a binging problem. So her portion sizes are definitely not something I should model my eating after. My father is a skinny type two diabetic and is obsessed with food but restricts and binges routinely. I don’t know what normal is. I wish my body would stay thin and healthy.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! For 5 years now I have purged on Halloween. That was the first day I ever had. I can’t believe it’s been that long. So much for being “totally in control” i guess.

I binged yesterday. Told myself I won’t restrict today, and I didn’t. I ate like normal, had some food when I was hungry and ate my normal sized meals, and then brushed my teeth. And now I’m starving again!!! What the hell is going on bruh. Not restricting was supposed to stop my urge to binge. Am I just doomed to be hungry forever???

its like 18°c in here and im wearing 2 shirts, 2 jumpers, a zip up hoodie, two beanies + a hood, jeans, tights, 2 pairs of socks and a blanket wrapped around me and i am still absolutely freezing

no layers help, its like my bones are cold and freezing me from the inside

actually what do i do, at this point i think i need to throw myself into lava to get warm

also i dont know if this is a stupid question, but is being cold all the time related to weight, or is it just from not eating enough? im around >!44kg!< at >!5'4 and a half!< which i know is underweight but i dont feel like im skinny enough to be feeling this bad all the time.. and i ate more than i normally would today so i thought that would make me warmer but i guess not

I tried. I really tried. I really tried to stop. I tried to live my life I tried. I tried to recover and I thought I did. All the thoughts are back. I made myself throw up even though I ate hours ago. Nothing came up. I feel disgusting I want to rip off my skin. I tried.

OMFG MY PARTNER HEARD ME RETCHING ITS SO F*CKING OVER.

i lost so much weight and now i gained it allll back i can’t even think about getting on a scale. my brain is so messed up i can’t even look in a mirror. my mind says restrict for a few days then weigh and see where ur at but my body does something else i feel like i have noooo self control.

i just went outside in 40 degree windy, rainy, stormy nighttime weather to purge because i didnt want my mother to hear and i dont have the energy to take a shower and use the water to hide the sound. and now i feel so gross i want to shower anyway but im still very tired. i dont purge often but im seeing someone i dont normally see tomorrow and i JUST found out after eating a bunch and my instant reaction was "okay i need to purge now" and i HATE THAT before i can even be excited about seeing them im worried about how my body will look to them. not a good day in general today

I turned 25 in September, but I've never been recognized as an adult in my life and I'm at a point where I find that suffocating.. before I slipped back into anorexia, people didn't think I was younger. I've had an eating disorder for 10 years, which has always changed from eating too little to eating too much. I've been consistently underweight since early 2021, the longest I've ever been underweight, but I've been maintaining my weight for almost 2 years and I have my period. I usually eat enough, but I just don't manage to gain weight continuously. Which is also partly related to other chronic problems.

When I look in the mirror, I sometimes find myself too thin, sometimes normal, but never too fat. I hate feeling full but it's nothing i see on the outside, just on the inside. I think that it all has to do with learned behaviors and I can't get rid of these habits like for example counting calories. At the same time, my frustration is growing because the eating disorder has stolen my teenage years. I've only had one long-distance relationship, never had sex, and because of the social phobia (thanks to the lockdowns) I'm only slowly finding my way back into social life, but I don't really have any friends at the moment (only some abroad). I'm tired of it all.

The other day I picked up gluten-free products (I have coeliac disease) at the pharmacy and the pharmacist told me straight to my face: “you are extremely thin” I used to take that as a compliment, but now I'm just annoyed at being reduced to my body.

if there was a button that would make me weight a normal amount immediately, I would press it. why is the process to it so difficult?

My roommate and closest friend right now basically said I have no life and all i do is school and workout. She said “is this really how you want to live you life, you never do anything social because I don’t count. you have nothing going on except school, you don’t work, or volunteer” . all because I didn’t wanna go to a party tomorrow, I told her I would feel anxious and don’t enjoy parties. I felt really attacked and cried in my room. I don’t know if i should bring it up and say i felt really hurt..

side note: i’ve told her about my ed and she knows i’m starting outpatient. She always says i’m not even trying in recovery, which i am I wouldn’t be starting outpatient if i didn’t wanna try. she’s also in psychology

It pisses my boyfriend off so much, but I buy salad dressing and cut it in half with water.

Same with almost all condiments but ketchup. I thought I was being prudent and calculating But I guess those without an ED wouldn't understand

Anybody else experience having their legs go numb on the toilet? My limbs often go numb while sitting or having my arms/ legs crossed etc and it doesn’t usually bother me but what does bother me is having my legs go numb while I’m on the toilet. I’m not even on the toilet for that long but just having them in that position I guess just makes them numb and tingly every time. Anybody else?

Wondering if anyone has experience with inpatient at Toronto general?

How long did it take you to get in if you were on priority? How are the meals? I know cliche to ask but do they increase slowly or do you start off big. Do you have to drink milk with all your main meals? I've heard that from many places. Do they have soy options for lactose? Are you allowed coffee and tea? I know some places are pretty strict Also how was the program in general, the staff and supports?

posted a body video saying how I’ll always look wide because I have a short torso and wide ribcage and people commented how it’s actually just my hips that are really narrow and I really just want to end everything right now I’m so triggered. I can’t do anything about how narrow my hips are I keep fasting hoping I’ll like my appearance more but I feel so blackpilled I just want to end everything I can’t take feeling like all I do is for nothing and recovery isn’t an option for me either I keep trying and feeling my thighs start chafing and watching my stomach start to poke makes me want to kms and I relapse only to hate my body either way idk what I’m supposed to do

the past few weeks ive been great: eating whatever and whenever i want, not avidly checking the calories, and almost forgetting tracking every bite of food. I've started eating two to three meals a day and having moderate snacks whenever i feel like it.

but now i feel so, so guilty. it's almost like i can never have a good relationship with food- every single item i have eaten in the past weeks seems to catch up to me and haunt me. i desperately don't know what to do, it's like im back to square one.

i’ve been struggling with disordered eating for 7 years now. i am 19. i started recovery from ana 2 years ago now. relapsed in march, and i struggled a lot for a couple months. but i got stuck in a really bad b/r cycle in early july until current. i binge 1-2 times a week at least, and >!lax purge!< every time. on days i don’t binge, i eat >!1000-1700!< and i cant eat any less. my body won’t let me. i don’t know what to do. i gained all the weight back i lost from my relapse. has this happened to anyone else??? what do i do????

I’ve been disordered for a long time and have weight cycled a lot over the years. I started recovery this year but also relapsed really badly, and have consequently been losing weight rapidly due to loss of appetite.

Quite a few people I know are on Ozempic, which means they have also lost weight. I feel so absolutely bitter and jealous that they think I’m on the same, when in reality I just have this awful disorder that is ruining my body and life. I hate it and the assumptions people make.

More often than not I will purge after my binges but lately I haven’t even gotten the urge/will to purge afterwards. I don’t know, I feel like I want to keep the food inside me because I want to feel hugged/loved/not empty. I’m not so sure these are the actual reasons but I feel like it is. Has anyone felt this before? I have a boyfriend but we’ve had a lot of issues. I don’t really have friends or family.

Any tips guys

Cals on halloween DON'T count fyi, indulge and have fun - especially when hanging out with friends

Sooo, my daughter/son convinced me to eat candy and shared so much information and it helped me and I don't feel guilty at all, hope everyone has a good time, wherever you are.

Check below (tw maybe?)

!Even if you "gain weight" because of eating lots of candy, normally it's because your body has no idea what to do with the sudden food/sugars - especially people who restrict. So don't check your weight for 2 or so days until your body calms down from the sudden overload <3!<

Does anyone get frustrated that most people think that anorexia is when you restrict food and bulimia is when you throw up, so when you try to explain you are diagnosed as AN when you binge and purge frequently they are like huh isn't that bulimia?

There seems to be little out there in the media about anorexia subtype 2, stories that involve someone using binging purging behaviours often describe it as a bulimia even when the person is underweight just so people don't get too confused.

Purging behaviours are regarded as dirty and disgusting and don't get me wrong they are messy and unpleasant but hell they are just a coping mechanism like not eating enough is, and anorexia has a ton of other embarrassing or cringe-worthy behaviours. I hate to admit it but there is also still this hierachcy in eating disorder communities where those that deny themselves are seen as superior. I mean admittedly when someone thinks of me as having bulimia I want to correct them and say no I have anorexia, I hate that I want to do that.

It seems like such a grey area nobody really wants to talk about much. It's just not understood what the difference is between AN type 2 and bulimia, that being that those with bulimia usually eat more outside of binges. Plus of course the 'better' you become at purging the more weight you lose. But I've even had health professionals not believe me when I tell them the amount i eat! I'm like urmmm I need a few more pages for this bloody 'food log' (ughhh those are the worst!)

Sorry that was a long ramble/brain dump of thoughts!

does this happen to anyone? i haven’t even been restricting heavily but it’s gone on for ~1.5 months and im starting to feel extreme hunger (and extreme guilt with it)

It relaxes the muscles, making it easier to do.

hahaha halloween cals don’t count… right… I was seriously going to restrict but I was like fuck it 😊 It’s halloween, I deserve some chocolate and I went to the gas station to buy some chocolate 💀 Ate a reeses thin, a bunch of hersheys drops, mini m&ms, brookside, and cheetos LMAO i’m guilty but i’m repeating to myself that it’s okay

Recently I haven’t been counting calories obsessively or purging but I feel so guilty!! Idk why but I feel like I have to punish myself more and eat less I hate the voice in my head

I made some cookies today as i like baking for my family. Unfortunately, i didn't check the nutrients before making them. Anyways, they were like >!150kcal for 29g!< and i ate a lot to say the least. I don't even know how much exactly it was since i couldn't weigh eveeything as my mum was in the room and i don't want her to worry but i know it was at least >!over 1000 calories!< of the baked cookies + the dough i ate before and man, did i feel guilty

The guilt was worse when i watched a lowkey fatphobic video on youtube which made me have a breakdown (?) lots of crying and stuff

I was planning on enjoying halloween but i just want to cry more while writing

💔💔💔

Skinny sugar-free hot chocolate without milk is actually amazing and better than those milky ones without chocolatey taste they serve in restaurants and cafes.

Cucumbers with soy sauce are actually so good. I'd say same level as just crisps!

Coke zero/diet coke is thousand times better than normal coke.

What else?

Going to a concert tonight and staying at a hotel, and we went out to eat. I managed to eat a slider and a half! I am proud of myself even if my brain is telling me otherwise. I even had some alcohol (my first legal drink too which was cool). Stomach pain and headaches all day though, but hopefully I’ll be able to stay for the whole concert :))