Officialy in the „poop in my pant” club. I’m surprised it happened just now in my mid 20s. Broke my fast with some yoghurt and 5 minutes later boom-explosive diarrhea. I had no chance to even get up to the bathroom, my anus betrayed me like Judas. Thank god I was home but still feeling humiliated and embarrased. Not very coquette of me innit

sad hamster violin music in the background while washing my poopy pants in the sink by hand

I was more than a year clean and now recovery made me relapse. I gained a shit ton of weight I can’t stand my body and I just couldn’t seem with it anymore so I relapsed. It’s like Now that my suffering isn’t obvious by my skinniness I need to make it obvious by my scars idk if y’all see what I mean. Anyways I feel like shit and I’m sick of recovery

Its been four days since i last shit (which isnt too unusual for me) so i was already bloated asf. Then, yesterday i binged on bread so my abdomen is rock hard and so painful. It is currently four thirty in the morning and i havent gotten a wink of sleep all night. I have school in two hours.. What do i do??

Amidst the whispers of the wind so sweet, Where sun-kissed meadows and hills meet, I wander through this picturesque scene, Yet shadows dance where light should gleam.

Each step, a silent battle waged, Invisible chains of hunger engaged, Beneath the guise of nature's grace, Lies a soul trapped in a fragile embrace.

Fields of flowers in vibrant bloom, Mask the turmoil within this gloom, As I stroll beneath the blue sky, My inner demons they silently pry.

The river's flow, a soothing song, But within, a tempest raging strong, For every glance, every whispered word, Echoes the cries that go unheard.

A picnic spread on emerald grass, But to partake feels like trespass, For though my eyes may feast on sight, My soul remains in endless plight.

So as I walk this scenic trail, A portrait of beauty, yet so frail, Remember, not all wounds are seen, Even in the midst of nature's serene.

(Whispers of Hunger amidst Beauty’s Embrace)

id like to make this post in order to vent and hopefully get some insight or at least see if anyone can relate to my experiences. 16m. i really wish there was some method of voice recording since i dont feel like typing this all out then making you guys read it, and i have a real bad tendency to drag

for most of my life i've been either nearly obese or at the very lowest skinny fat (bmi in low 20s). ive always been very socially inept since i have autism with OCD like traits. obviously this has made me a very easy target and i can vividly remember so many times ive been the victim of lookism because of my weight and appearance. the thing is, id been skinnyfat/chubby for the longer time and i'd never got comments about it from my parents or peers. while i can remember being treated like shit by my peers for nearly my whole life, it was usually a more general kind of thing - people didnt laugh at my jokes, didnt smile at me, etc. but last year was when i got blackpilled (i know the connotations of the community and i dont mean to associate with them).

people would treat me so horribly and it was a lot more direct than it was when i was younger. people would come up to me and cook me for any reason, either the way i acted or for things about my appearance. the former frustrated me the most, since i couldnt get away with the most basic shit skinny people got away with, and i brought it up to my friends who revealed i was at the worst end of the weight spectrum i could be on - by being skinny fat i couldnt reap the benefits of leanness or the leeway of obesity (where your face tends to round out and just isnt as bad as a barely recognizable bloated skinnyfat face). the realization and regret of fucking my social life and development left me deeply depressed and with no energy to take action until about feburary of this year. for this past school year (junior), i took the choice to do school from home in order to concentrate better, which has further fucked my social life and instilled a sense of regret since thats practically 1 year without physical communication with any of my peers.

in feburary, i was put on wellbutrin which greatly improved my energy levels and reduced my appetite. it gave me the energy to finally lean up, since id go days without eating or eating 1 very light meal. since then i've gone from ~150 to 110lbs, which at 5,9 is a bmi difference of 22.2 to 16.2. heres where the title of my post is concerned.

im finally starting to receive complements about my appearance from peers and my own friends, as well as frequent smiles from people on the street. the girls my friends have put me onto reply much faster and never text dry and send pictures - it sounds like im geeking out over this shit because i am, ive never had a girlfriend or even a close female friend at all until now. while youd think id be trying to live in the moment as much as possible right now its really cemented a feeling of regret and anger at everyone in my life right now. the junior year of highschool is just about to end, so i have realistically less than a year to reap the benefits of weight loss and the social development and memories i shouldve experienced years ago are gone, replaced by trauma. they say high school isnt everything but realistically it is, the memories you make in your youth are the ones that define your life and mine have been stunted so far back compared to the average person. i could go on and on about this more than i already have but i think you understand my frustration

all this regret has made me really angry at everyone around me. my parents for not making comments or even suggestions to lose weight, even when i was nearly obese. but now theyre trying to get me off this weight loss when i was likely more unhealthy when i was at my heaviest. i cant help but feel theyre holding me back because they themselves have never been this skinny and believe you magically become frail as soon as your bmi goes below 18.5. ironically every time they see me they just have to make a fucking comment (angry or annoyingly concerned) about my weight, but when i was unattractive and fat there was never of that. i never like to blame people through an irrational train of thought but i really do feel theyre responsible for fucking my social development and causing the trauma i have today.

the rest of my anger is probably more irrational, and its at my peers and friends. i get looks are everything in this life, i really do. but i always have a feeling of resentment towards anyone who mistreated me in the past no matter how kind they are to me today. even though i judge peoples appearances all the time i just have so much anger for the trauma i have from years ago, for something that i couldve fixed in months. and to think i only have 1 year to experience what everyone has been for the past 5 is the worst part.

i just dont know what to make of all this and its really stressing me out. i know the simple answer is to live in the moment and be appreciative of all this attention, but ive always had a problem with envy and regret so of course something like this is hard not to think about. id appreciate anything in the comments, and thank you for reading this far if you have.

I just had wisdom teeth surgery a few weeks ago and i felt so grateful for only being able to eat soft foods. But now im falling back into the habit of “forgetting to eat” and counting calories. I’m so tired of my world being consumed by the number on the scale but truthfully after the weight I’ve gained within the last year i find it hard to blame myself for wanting to loose it.

Ever since my relapse into ED behaviours (restricting, C/S, purging) I can’t fall asleep. It’s so frustrating. Has this happened to anyone else? Any tips?

UGH!!! this is the most frustrating part imo. i’m never happy with how much i’ve eaten unless im literally fasting with just water. Everything feels like too much. Logically i know im eating way less than i should be. but THE VOICESSSSSS 😑

Like I wish there was a version of my fitness pal but was better suited for people with eating disorders . Where you can log what u eat and how u feel and can give u motivation and stuff similar to that . I have yet to find a good one yet . This is so random but this is what happens when you drink too much caffeine and get sleep at night !

Hi, this is my first post here , so sorry if I make any mistakes . I’m just feeling a bit lost with myself and could use some advice or some help. For one , I’m a teen , and I do not have an ED , atleast I don’t think I do. For the last couple months, i’ve been struggling with the way I eat. Usually, i would only eat a meal a day and snack , and call it a day , eating within a 24 hour period. Which I would only eat when I got home from school. Though those meals were about >!1200+!< cals anyway (fast food). I was never concerned about my weight as much ? As no matter how much I had eaten my weight would either stay the same , or i would gain or lose a pound here and there , but as i said that never concerned me really. But in late march, i’ve been eating a lot less than that , and watching what I eat. I stopped eating lots of meat and a lot of the foods that I used to enjoy , and this got worse over the last few weeks. I was extremely strict about what i was eating , and how I was eating, eating less than >!300 calories!< per day. A point where I felt extremely ashamed for eating for what i considered to be so much, even though it’s so little. Early-Mid April, I went a few days with eating less than >!100 calories!< which i had dropped from >!102 pounds to 96 ( 47kg to 43kg )!< within a span of a couple of weeks. I’m only 5’5 (168 cm). I did walking on top of that but only 1k- 2k steps due to school. my fasts would last about >!24 to 37!< hours at a time, cause of how strict i was with myself. This all happened about 2 weeks ago, recently i’ve gained all my weight back. I’m now at >!106.2!< because of how much i’ve been eating. >!( over 1200 calories a day )!< And even more recently, i’ve been constant having breakdowns , and i’m constantly exercising the more i saw myself gain. As i said , I used to get about 1k-2k steps per day , which is just getting from class to class, and now i get over 7k plus and even 12k. I ended up feeling sick a for a couple of days and as i type this, i still feel a bit stuffy. my dad told me the sudden change in me walking so much n’ stuff is most likely the reason why i got sick & to let my body rest but i really didn’t want to. On top of me walking, i was doing workouts i found on youtube to try to lose fat, or to burn off calories or something, my body has been extremely sore for a few days, i felt light headed, weak , sick feeling and dizzy because i don’t normally exercise much, but on top of walking so much and now this ? i really didn’t feel well but felt obligated to continue doing things everyday. And the times where I wouldn’t eat for over 20 hours only made me feel worse. But i feel so down if i can’t simply do workouts or anything.. Some things i started doing was counting calories n’ such a lot more, and ive been over eating so much and i can’t even stop myself when i feel extremely full which would make me feel so bad. I haven’t told my parents about how im feeling because im scared to, i don’t know if im struggling with an ED or if i just have an unhealthy relationship with food right now or if it’s something else. This isn’t the first time where i struggled with eating, but i never exercised so much like i do now, but this has really drained me the last couple months and my weight, and my exercises have made me feel so miserable. I dont feel happy , i feel miserable at my cw. i’ve told some of my friends on how i’ve been feeling lately, nobody tells me this might be an ed, they only tell me that i should try to eat a snack here and there. But i can’t expect them to say much since they’re not age. so i think maybe im just having a bad relationship with food .. but man :/ i don’t know anymore. It’s hard, im constantly checking my weight, before i go to school, after i get home, at night , every single day and everytime i see the scale go up or go down im just miserable. I can’t even look at myself the same way when i gain anymore. I would appreciate for some replies, i’m at a place where I don’t know what to do with myself anymore ,, and I’m very nervous to tell my parents , this is one of the many things ive had a hard time talking about with anyone , it took me a while to gain confidence to somewhat talk to my friends about my relationship with food rn ,,. Thank you

I used to just eat low amounts (>!1200-1400!<) but I had one binge on valentines day and have been binging since. I gained >!5lbs!< from it. I have been tracking how long i havent binged and i went 7 days from today without binging, but today my dad brought donuts and i had half of one and a donut hole meaning i had eaten >!2000!< calories and whenever i feel like i "lost" for the day (overate like how i had >!2000!< calories), for some reason that makes me believe i can eat whatever and as much as i like because i already "lost for the day". So rather than just having >!2000 !<calories, i'm at >!3000 !<calories.

I dont know how to stop these binges and they're making me feel like absolute shit, I'm terrified I'm going to binge forever and become overweight as before these past 7 binge free days, i had >!3000-5000!< calories EVERYDAY since February 14th. Not only have i started binging, i've tried purging now, too. I feel so bad about my >!5!<lbs of weight gain and how much ive been eating / craving food, ive been trying to purge in the shower, sink, toilet, trash can, and it doesnt work no matter how hard i try. I tried again tonight, too. Instead im taking >!3 laxative pills!< although the most this will do is get rid of my water weight.

I've gotten worse, I'm terrified ive lost control of myself and will become overweight, ive gained weight, I'm going to gain more weight, I'm binging now, im trying to >!purge!<, ive gotten so much fucking worse and i dont know what to do.

I don’t have an ed, but I do struggle with substance abuse. I know ed’s are an obsession, and I wonder if people that struggle with this often struggle with other addictions? It also seems that an ed could be so addicting and exhausting that substances would make a person with an ed too low functioning to keep up with.

I also can see this obsessing quality of ed overlapping often with autism or maybe extreme adhd. I’ve seen a lot of people speculate if Eugenia Cooney could be autistic.

i’ve struggled with my ED since i was 14, cycling endlessly from anorexia, bulimia, to binge eating, and then going back and forth from each at different points. i’m 22 now. last year was my lowest point of restriction and since then i have gained a significant amount of weight , enough to restore myself back to health and then a bit more, and can feel myself going back to binging.

i feel helpless and out of control, the same feelings i had while i was restricting just on the opposite spectrum. i ate breakfast at a cafe with my boyfriend today, and afterwards it’s like i could immediately feel the food pyshcially put weight on me and had a full blown panic attack in public where i was trying to flatten my jawline repeatedly and had to put my hood and scarf on because i couldn’t ‘let’ other people look at me suddenly, i could feel the weight of the world crushing in on me after this one meal and got so paranoid and anxious and it fully debilitated me .

idk why i even wrote this. i just feel like no matter what end of the spectrum of my ED i’m on nothing makes me feel comfortable in myself , after 7 fucking years eating still brings me to my knees emotionally and causes intense episodes like this in public.

also i am seeing a dietician every fortnight , and have a psych and case manager. but it just feels like at this point i’m unfixable. i just needed to let this out i’m sorry

Long story short, I've been in and out of recovery since October of this year and it's been absolutely harrowing. I was recently hospitalized (for reasons unrelated to my ED) And the resulting depression has caused me to start losing again and reigniting my old ED behaviors.

The issue is that I'm aware of my lw and what I looked like at that time and the knowledge that I got there once and could again is weighing heavily on me. Logically I don't want that, it was horrible and the lowest point in my life but a part of me idealizes it and I hate that. I want to recover so badly but it feels like my brain is fighting against me at every opportunity.

I know I need to separate myself from things that trigger me, but these things also offer so much comfort in a twisted, unhealthy way. I wish I could just wipe my brain clean and live a life where none of this ever happened and I could be content and happy with myself as I am.

Does anyone have any advice on how to feel better after purging? I’m sick of feeling like shit. Both mentally and physically.

we both used to have anorexia when we were 14/15 (now 19/20) but we recovered and i found out she relapsed because she sent me a tweet she quote retweeted from her account. i confronted her on it but i told her i would do my best to support her and that i love her no matter what. she apologized and said it was a wake up call and she deactivated the account but i can’t shake the feeling that all i’ve done is make her more secretive about it because she still has her private account where her close ed friends follow her. if i didn’t say anything i could have at least monitored her to make sure it didn’t get worse. i don’t know what to do. i regret it so much. if i was a better friend i would have noticed her disordered behaviour earlier. if i was a better friend she would have told me before i had to find out this way. she’s my platonic soulmate and i love her so much and i’m hurting for her. i feel so fucking useless right now

My bf tells me all the time how attracted and sexually attracted to me he is.

Yesterday, I was being insecure and telling him how I thought his exes were beautiful but there’s one who I thought wasn’t very pretty and how now I feel like “well am I actually pretty or not because he thought this girl was beautiful when she’s not really so am I on her level or prettiness? Am I ugly?” ….idk if that even makes sense. He said she has a huge juicy ass and “g” sized boobs and was skinny and her body was natural. He said that because he felt like I was dissing by implying that he can’t get beautiful women..which I wasn’t. He’s an extremely attractive man, like conventionally attractive so that’s not the case and he knows that.

He knows I’m a deeply insecure person and he has helped me a lot with helping me feel confident in myself and my body. He knew it would hurt me and he said it bc he felt hurt. He hasn’t done this before. He apologized a few minutes later and acknowledged it was very bad.

I feel like I’m 10 steps back now. Im not insecure about facial beauty…it’s the body beauty. I’m so torn on heavy restricting myself and doing a ton of cardio or eating a strict diet and lifting weights to get a “juicy butt”. I also don’t know what this ex’s body looks like.just her face. And now I feel extremely obsessive that I want to see what she looks like.

I have no one to talk to about this and I feel alone. I need some positive encouragement. I don’t know who to turn to right now. I feel so lonely and hurt

so now my bmi is all fucked up and to be where i want to be id have to loose like 6 pounds instead of the 2 that i thought. i actually hate everything sm my fucking fatass keeps eating too

so now my bmi is all fucked up and to be where i want to be id have to loose like 6 pounds instead of the 2 that i thought. i actually hate everything sm my fucking fatass keeps eating too

I am staying in a hotel on work travel this week and all the local restaurants have calories listed on their menus, so it is impossible to order anything. What is the point of having calories on menus? I feel like most non-disordered people don’t care about the calories and those that do care could ask for the nutrition stats on a separate sheet. I do understand that some people with EDs like having the calories listed so they can find something safe, but it just seems to reinforce disordered eating behaviors. And I’m not saying that it is everyone else’s responsibility to accommodate people with EDs and their triggers, I just genuinely don’t understand the point when it does more harm than good. Anyway, I’m not sure why I am posting this, it is just irking me at the moment and thought I would post in case it bothers anyone else.

Fbt awareness this is probably pointless but I need to tell someone. FBT is horrendous. After being in it for 3 months it has ruined my relationship with my parents my mom and dad hate me and say they want me to die or be sent away. I am being forced to eat insane amounts of food and gain a lot of weight. I want to end my life more than anything. My SH has gotten bad again and I just want to kill myself and most likely am going to. I can’t describe how horrible this treatment is especially when you have toxic/abusive parents. Someone please tell me i’m not alone so i don’t kill myself.

Okay but why, after people have lunch, do they feel the need to declare “gosh, no dinner for me!” Even if it’s a normal sized lunch?!?

Peeves me right off, I bet you they do have dinner, & snacks, for the rest of the day, but for whatever reason they feel the need to say this.

It makes me feel guilty for eating at all, even if I eat less than everyone else.

It feels like people think I’m “used to” bad shit happening to me, so it matters less than when bad stuff happens to people with good lives.

Like they assume that I’m just already so fucked up, I don’t require the same amount of empathy or love that they do. That just because this is their first hardship, but one I’m familiar with, they deserve more recognition than I do for dealing with it.

OR people know I care about them/ will always set aside time to listen… so they completely overload me with information that I’m not equipped to handle. As if me choosing to support them automatically means I have zero issues of my own.

This happens A LOT with girls either assuming I’ve never struggled with an ED, or know I have and think I’m so “seasoned” that I can handle their ED issues too.

An acquaintance approached me to tell me about her super triggering experience, and how she deals with body image/ food issues. How she’s really upset and can’t stand to gain x amount of weight. A completely random conversation, with someone I barely know, on a super heavy topic that I have literally NEVER invited. While I’m standing there having freshly just cried my eyes out in the bathroom over my multi day grief binge. This happened before with a coworker who found out about my past with purging, and randomly one day launched into a graphic story about wanting to go vomit her lunch up.

I am so so so sick of being treated like an empty place for people to pour their feelings into. I have too much I’m going through to take on everyone else’s pain. Just because I’m kind and compassionate does not give people the right to trauma dump all over me- especially when it’s not indicated that I wanna have that kind of conversation. It’s so insanely triggering and puts me in a horrible headspace for the rest of the day.

i relapsed recently and noticed that this time i kept feeling sleepy while restricting!!?? its so bad that i have to ask my parents to wake me up by throwing water at me, i dont hear alarms or anything. this is so different to how i have been my entire life when a single alarm is enough to wake me up or i just wake up myself because of my body clock.

since finals are going please give me some tips (other than drink coffee & tea TRUST ME i have enough) to stay awake

thats why i wear the same clothes over n over like a cartoon character. the fabric is either too thin, too tight, or too short for my bloated ass jfc lmaoooo

Or use a system of rewards and punishments?

Like, I get there's procedures they have for safety reasons, or stuff like supplements for not finishing a meal.

I'm talking more about the really obvious conditioning attempts like "you took too long to eat so now you have to have more calories from a supplement" or "your leg was bouncing too much so you can't go on a walk". I've found that kind of stuff really really damaging to my recovery

Are there actually residential programs that give you some autonomy and don't patronize you, or are they all kind of run the same way? It's been that way in basically every IP and residential I've gone to

i quite literally have never been happier in my entire life. healthiest relationship ever, he just GETS me and i love him so so much i cant even wrap my head around it. but what the fuck why do we have to bond through food 😭 he knows my orders and comes to me with food, encourages me to eat and is just the best ever but oh man ive gained and its just so triggering. ive been recovered since i started dating him because he has really healed my relationship with food but lately i cant help but look at myself and the numbers on the scale and be so upset. whyyyyyyy ugh. i dont want to fall into my old ways but i want to lose the weight and i want to do it as quickly as possible and theres only one way i know how :| its the logical side of my brain and the ed side arguing rn like should i finish this f*st or should i be a healthy person and eat dinner because everyone should eat dinner because its okay to eat dinner :( ykwim??

i know for sure that when i start to restrict again it causes for me to break out on my chest , neck , and face because it happens e v e r y single time without fail . it’s not acne but it’s more like itchy red bumps . i just got out of a 2 week long binge , and it’s been not even 2 weeks that i cut calories and i have the bumps again . does any one else have this symptom ?

I am 18(F) and I need some serious help. I was diagnosed with bulimia but I don’t binge anymore. I sometimes eat I just purge whenever I do eat. I have lost lots of weight and my mental health is rapidly declining. I constantly get the urges to purge even if I just smell food. I try to eat but I have a very hard time, it scares me. I have three or four cavities and my enamel is really bad. I don’t want to recover but I literally am becoming very unhealthy. My parents are going to kick me out if I don’t go to residential. Looking for a place preferably in MA if possible

I am addicted to gum. Its the Trident Bubblegum flavor. It make me feels good and keeps my mouth moist. I need to stop, its messing up my teeth. I chew a pack a day and it helps me sleep for some reason. What can I do to stop apart from going cold turkey?