So I’ve tried to focus on recovery recently, but between the events recently of INSANE period bloating, subtle weight gain, and my dad telling me I looked the exact same weight as a friend who >!was around the same weight as me before I lost 10kg!< , It’s safe to say I’ve had a rough time. A new girl also joined my art class and she very explicitly talked all about her eating problems and made jokes about how she tells people her mother doesn’t feed her bcz of how skinny she is n how her hair comes out in clamps (that has never happened to me), I got triggered really badly. I almost thought like, maybe im not skinny enough for her to consider that i might have eating problems too? And i went down a mental rabbit hole of wondering what would happen if i told people i had eating problems, and for classmates and stuff to maybe reply like “really, you?” This train of thought was brought on cause my english teacher helped out at an addiction facility that helps people with sh and ed issues (amongst other things) and while she was talking about it a classmate of mine said how he didn’t understand why people did that and i had to defend and explain as much as i could. So entirely fictional scenario but it made me spiral so so so so so badly and think what if i said something along the lines of “I’ve struggled with that and…” But I’m just trying to focus on myself and my sanity as much as I can. I know recovery is what’s best for me but it’s so hard for me to mentally stay aligned with this. I’ve noticed general improvements anyway, like eating more with less guilt, n not counting calories. But wow it’s hard.

also maybe this is really common but I need to rant and get this out there. I have no clue how others perceive me, especially thanks to how I don’t have a scale. So while I know I am around >!bmi 15-16!< I don’t think I look it— at all. I’m convinced >!I’m at least 3 bmi points higher!< and whenever I look at people around my height/weight or bmi they always seem to >!look skinnier than me.!< So I keep thinking, is recovery even worth it if I don’t look how I’m supposed to??? sorry for the rant I just want to put this out somewhere.

I've always been stuck in a binge restrict cycle. no matter how many times I told myself >!I need to starve!< I never, ever could do it for more than a day. it'd always end in a massive >!4500!< binge. recently my dad has been waiting for some money to come in. quick backstory: parents have been married over >!20!< years, all those years he built resentment for my mom. she has a textbook narcissistic mother who abuses her to this day, even over the phone. she's called my dad scum of the earth+worse, drove my mom to be the person she is today. my mom only thinks about herself now, she's turned into a slightly less bad version of her own mother. she gave me this disorder, emotionally abused me. but that's in the past.

now she just.... does things that mildly bother everyone, but because of my dads resentment, his refusal to just divorce her (wish he did before i was born.) he has a temper that causes them to yell/argue almost every day. that's when he brings up "when I get my money, I'm sending you away, to your parents house." then my mom starts crying, swearing, angrily throwing stuff in the bathroom. I'm so torn because on one hand I feel bad for her, but on the other hand she's >!50!< years old now and still refuses to get help and she doesn't consider anyone else's feelings. then my dad.. I love him I rely on him for so much and im grateful he takes care of us, especially me since I'm agoraphobic. but goddammit he stresses me out, his voice is so loud sometimes and hearing that he's gonna "make big changes" is scaring me. I find myself just wanting to hide in my room so I don't have to hear them, even from my brother he's basically a more angry version of my mom. he cares about me but he lacks so much empathy. he never wants to hangout with me, he calls all my interest dumb and the r word. yet he wants me to "just go to therapy." he won't listen, when I say why I'm so scared. then with... all the horrible things happening in the world on top of this, >!I haven't been able to stomach anything in a week.!< I'm so miserable and nauseous all the time, >!a sick part of me just wants to let myself die. like oh, I can't eat okay silver lining, I'll die. problems gone, nothing matters.!<

Basically anything sugar free or lower sugar that there’s an option for I always get. Whenever people see me eating or drinking sugar free stuff they always talk about how bad the after taste is or the taste. Am I the only one who never tastes anything off or gets an aftertaste? I remember sugar free stuff tasting weird years ago but now it literally tastes the same to me as full sugar things.

i'm in middle of recovery and i'm starting to notice a lot of things i wasn't able to before. I stopped going out for example. I don't want my friends to leave me (they know about my ed)

I’m not sure if I have food aversions that is anything related to ED or mental health, or if it’s just a preference? I’ve been mostly vegetarian for over 8-9 years now- there’s been very infrequent occasions where I’d have something with gelatin, or fish sauce (pad Thai), or animal rennet (cheese) and not be at all bothered by it.

I’d say in the last year I’ve completely avoided gelatin due to being too grossed out by it, and now am really struggling with fish sauce in Thai dishes and rennet in cheeses.

I guess what confuses me is I don’t really have any ethical issues with people eating meat in general, like yes I love animals and work with animals as my career (although mostly work with horses so not to relevant to this, but I also love cows) but it’s really more so that any time I think I’m craving something that includes animal products(it used to be things like pepperoni pizza or a steak, but now it’s moved into things like gelatin and fish sauce which I had previously not minded) I will find my brain always goes through the same process. I will crave the animal product, and then I will in my brain see the live animal, see the steps of butchering/processing the animal, think about the time it has spent from death to ending up on a plate- and be too grossed out to consider it.

Along with this, I’ve found one too many bugs while cleaning leafy greens- so me, a vegetarian, is now struggling with vegetables. I love all vegetables, but thinks like spinach, kale, arugula, broccoli etc I have to clean and inspect meticulously and if I’m not doing the cleaning I don’t feel comfortable eating these things like from a restaurant anymore. It’s to the point where when making a salad with spinach or arugula I have to take each individual leaf of greens out of the bag one at a time, look at both front and back of the leaf, and then set it in a bowl to be washed.

I’m just so paranoid about finding bugs in there while I’m eating, and while I know that all processed foods are allowed to contain a certain percentage of bugs- I don’t have much control over that, but I do have control over how obsessively I clean my produce so I feel like I can’t not do it that way now.

I guess for long term background, I always got a bit of an ick with meat- when I was a kid if I were to eat a burger it had to be burnt, so cooked through there was not a trace of pink. And for chicken if the piece of meat was not really thin, it made me uncomfortable, find a vein or tendon in there and it’s game over.

Seafood was never an issue before as I grew up next to the ocean and ate it constantly, but now with things like fish sauce becoming an aversion, I’m just concerned how many more things could be added to my list of things I won’t eat.

I felt so good from restricting last night. I got high, and I was so empty and it felt so so good, I was so in control for the first time in so long. I haven't been able to self harm, and I just decided to heavily restrict instead. It honestly really scares me, I don't know how deep I'm going to drag myself into this mess before I can get out.

Like, I could just stop right now, and go back to eating normally, but it feels so nice to be able to control what I eat. Nobody can force me to eat, in a way that people could take my blades away. I'm scared about myself, I've only really been relapsing for about a week now, and I'm already addicted to the feeling.

I'm scared, and I'm wondering if other people feel the same way sometimes, idk lol

have i gained weight or is it body dysphoria?? I can't tell. I'm looking at myself in the mirror and i look bigger , i feel bigger. I can feel the fat inside of my skin and i want to scream , i look repulsing and ugly and i feel fat and gross but what if its all in my head?? ive barely eaten today until i " binged " but its way less significant than my past binges. it was just one yogurt and one bowl of cereal so why do i look so fucking big. ive binged on an entire birthday cake and i didn't feel so big. i feel like im going insane

TW: Numbers

I've recently been experimenting with upping my intake as a harm reduction technique. I'm not ready to gain weight yet, but I am trying to slow the rate of weight loss/ maintain my current weight.

Previously my intake was >!700-800 kcals.!< When I tried upping it to >!900-1000!< for a week, I gained weight (probably water weight), panicked and started restricting more heavily again. In the last 2 weeks I've increased it to>! 800-850kcals!< and my weight hasn't changed at all (usually I'd be losing every week). I'm also not quite so ravenous all the time, which makes me think I'm getting enough food (and paranoid that I'm eating in my sleep/ logging my calories incorrectly/ eating and forgetting about it).

I'm wondering if it's possible for >!850 kcals!< to be my maintenance; this is the longest my weight has plateaued for 6 months now. I'm tall and take yoga/ Pilates for >!3-4 !<hours a week, but I'm also exhausted from restricting and use a wheelchair sometimes so perhaps I'm not moving as much as I think I am. My BMI is >!14.9!< as well and I'm given to understand the lower your BMI, the fewer calories you need.

Please, can anyone can convince my crazy brain that >!850 kcals!< is not enough? I've managed to convince myself that I alone am the exception to all of human biology...

I’ve been struggling for quite a while, badly at that. But what bothers me most is that I can’t pursue my hobby. I love baking, creating, trying new things, eating fancy things. Unfortunately my ED is getting in the way of that. I can bake but I can eat it so it’s just a waste lmao. Any fellow hobby bakers with tips? Or does anyone have a similar problem?

What BMI have people been when they experienced osteoporosis or organ failure?

I’m unsure HOW urgent it is for me to quickly gain weight as I do plan on this but I don’t know if I’m taking it too slow. I know some people may ask this because they don’t feel bad enough and want to get worse (if so I’d advise you don’t read the replies) but for me it’s purely to gauge where I’m at. I know that no matter where I am in comparison to others it is important for my health to be a more healthy weight but I’d like to know at what point others have actually experienced organ failure/osteoporosis. (I’m not sure if I should be getting more support)

Anyone in the USA - have your eating restrictions turned into binging due to looming anxiety or is it just me? lol I hate it cause I’ll binge snack foods until I’m full which is EXTREMELY triggering, but I can’t seem to function anymore. Just wanted to see if I’m alone in this lol

I was gonna lay in bed all day and not do my usual work out but then I was looking at pics of me -20 lbs ago and now I gotta get going 😫 nothing motivates me more than my own skny pics. Ugh…

my mum developed pcos after a traumatic childhood and since it's extremely genetic she most likely passed it onto me but the symptoms haven't shown up yet. i keep hearing about how people who are at risk end up developing it after their ed due to the stress and trauma they put on their body and now i'm worried because i want to have food freedom one day (even though i'm still restricting currently) and developing pcos is like a punch to the face because now you have to follow an extremely strict low carb, no dairy, low fodmap etc diet just to not rapidly gain weight and be infertile (it also doesn't help since i'm already orthorexic)

I'm also too scared to eat at maintenance calories because i gain weight eating anything above >! 800 !< and apparently maintenance calories for people with pcos can drop below >! 1000 !< so i'm worried i already have it. I also have rlly bad acne which is usually the opposite if your restricting and instead of missed periods i get a period once every 10 days.

I ran blood tests a few months back when i was newer to restricting (so the damage wasn't as bad) and my thyroid and androgen levels were fine but im still worried i have it because apparently the blood tests aren't always accurate and you have to do it at a certain time of your cycle?

Does anyone have any advice on what to do to prevent me from getting pcos or is it already too late.

i’ve decided i need to recover because i don’t want to be infertile and im so nervous i am so i’ve been eating enough and healthily for around 2 weeks but im still so overdue and so nervous that i will be infertile my doctor says it takes time and because im choosing recovery straight away that’ll come back but idk :(

Okay to make it quick, I have an ED since I was 17 years old, I'm now 20. It started with anorexia, then I got bored (I know it seems weird but that's literally what happened, I thought that I was ugly), then I developed BED, than I hated myself so I tried to heal

- note that both of them, I "healed" by myself

after I went back to anorexia, but that time, it was awful, I thought I was going to die from it, my whole family was there to make me change, I changed, I "healed" again. i went back to BED, this time it was worst too. that leads us to right now, it has been a year that I'm truggling with BED. It's less intense then it was at the beginning but i still struggle with it sometimes. the thing is that 2 weeks ago, I started exercising, but intensely. I am not satisfied till I have not burned>! 500cals !<per day. I'm tired of this. it'S just a rant. I'm just another person struggling with an ED but I'm sending strength and love to whoever read this <33

It’s so strange but I want to know I’m not alone in this, I always let my ed get so out of hand without realizing it until it’s too late. I really want to recover and do better for myself but all the side affects are sinking in making it so difficult, I feel so weak and my body and back physically hurts everytime I move, it hurts when I cough in my back for some reason, everytime I stand I feel like fainting, everything is just so painful and I want to be better so badly but when I look at myself I have such bad body dysmorphia even though I know I have to recover now or else I’d have to go to the hospital and that truly scares me. I don’t know how I let it get to this point and I know suddenly eating 3 full meals a day won’t reverse anything and now I’m stuck in pain for the time being. I really do want to recover I hate feeling like this

I'm really paranoid bc I read somewhere that irregular eating and stress can cause it and I have absent periods despite being normal weight

TW for relapse i think

|| soooo ive started to relapse lately because im starting to look "recovered", noticing myself get guilty feeling after eating again. So then i started chewing crazy amounts of chewing gum daily, bc i thought it had no cals. But when i found out it does, i feel so bad bc ive probably eaten like 30+ gum in the last 2 days. Makes me feel like a loser who cant go 2 seconds without something in my mouth 🤓 i stopped the chewing gum about 2 hours ago when i found out, but the guilt is hurting me.

Also another question about relapse, i have genetically EXTREMELY extremely low blood pressure (my whole family does) so if i eat less, can it get TOO low? Sometimes when my blood pressure is really low it starts feeling like my heart beats inconsistently and randomly. Thats it ||<

I have been on a waiting list for an outpatient treatment for about 2 years. I have my first orientation meeting next week and I am terrified.

My anxiety makes me want to back out cause I am not ready for recovery but if I do I will be removed from the referral list and would have to wait all over again - and it would effect so many more people than just me.

Anyone have any tips, tricks, encouraging words? Would be greatly appreciated….

so i know this isnt a good thing to do but its like i feel right in the moment then later im like “wow… what the hell?” but anyway, when making food for people do you ever make sure theres alot of cals?? like one time i was making a nutella sandwich for my friend because she asked for one and i LOADED it with nutella to try and make it as calorically dense as possible. i dont know why but the idea of people (especially when theyre insanely skinny like my friend) eating less calories then me makes me so angry.. it doesnt even matter what they eat, it could be the most unhealthy processed shit ever and i could be eating really healthy and whatnot but if those calories add up and i consumed more ill be angry… im better about not doing this now but i still get angry over it unfortunately. has anyone else done this?????

I FUCKING HATE EATING IN FRONT OF OTHERS, IT FEELS SO EMBARRASSING AND IT FILLS ME UP WITH RAGE AND DISGUST. EVEN IF IT’S JUST AN APPLE I HATE HATE HATE IT. RESTAURANTS ARE MY BIGGEST ENEMY I HATE EATING IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY EVEN THOUGH THEY LITERALLY BEG ME TO EAT, IT JUST FEELS SO DISGUSTING I HATE MYSELF SOMEONE TELL ME WHY THIS IS HAPPENING I FEEL SO UGLY AND GUILTY AND GROSS. Anyways thank you for listening to my rant :)

I have recently come to the realization that I am probably struggling with BED and have been unknowingly for a few years.

Yesterday, I went out of my way to buy 6 (fairly large) banana bread cinnamon rolls from some woman on fb market place with the premeditated plan to eat them in secret, without my partner knowing.

Like that isn’t normal??? It’s weird. I’m confused, I hate that. I feel like shit now and probably won’t eat anything the rest of the day because I’m sure that alone is at my daily limit of cal if not exceeding it.

I guess I’m just posting this because I feel super guilty about this and it’s become a common occurrence. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here. Perhaps someone can relate :’)

I’ve been in and out of recovery for about 3 years now and something I’ve consistently noticed since battling ana is acne breakouts all over my back, and back shoulders. It’s honestly getting to the point where it’s so painful I don’t know if it’ll get better but I am curious to know if anyone else struggles with this? I also noticed I sweat WAY more than usual aswell and it hasn’t been helping with my skin, any support would help me greatly as this is something weighing me down on my recovery process heavily, thank you🩷

since late may/early june of last year, i’ve been in a really long depressive episode caused by a very triggering hospital experience + the fact i went unmedicated for my anxiety/depression for so long. ive basically been binging since then and ive gained a lot.

my university has a very good medical program and thus, very good doctors that’s basically free with my tuition. so, ive been seeing psychiatrists, therapists, nutritionists, etc to get down to the root cause of why im binging. i know that my turn to food is likely because of the fact i had a restrictive disorder for like a year and a half, but ive told all of my doctors that this weight loss was healthy.

i’m being told very very invalidating and triggering things because i’m being treated as someone with JUST a binge disorder. i think it’s making everything worse, but i don’t want to be told to keep eating like how im eating because i’m now extremely nutrient deficient b/c my depression makes it so it’s so so hard to cook healthy.

i feel like i need to come clean, but i CANNOT be sent to inpatient/psych ward because i will most definitely go into an even deeper depression. do i just keep concealing it if i feel like my extreme hunger is slowly fading like how it is now (i’ve basically considered this recovery)? or do i just come clean just so they know exactly what they’re dealing with?

dae deal with this? ive noticed once ive became uw, i tend to get super full from even small meals / a small amount of food. im wondering if this is because smaller body mass = needing less food to support it?? maybe? i also find that my appetite is either 50/50 , sometimes ill be super hungry but most of the time its mental hunger and physically im not that hungry anymore than when i was at a hw.

but yeah, ive just noticed ive started to become acquainted to smaller meals and was wondering if anyone else is the same? thank you :)

I think recovery influencers have completely warped my view of what recovery actually looks like for the average person.

I don't have parents who can be around 24/7 to support and comfort me through every bite, i don't have the money to go out for coffee and meals all the time.
And, although I've been signed off work for years, I actually want to get a part-time job during recovery so I have some routine and distraction in my days and i don't just sit around thinking and eating.

For people here who have normal lives and have recovered/are recovering from anorexia, what does that actually look like? weight gain, fear foods, social life, working etc. what is actual reality and not the dressed-up social media representation?

also, i've only ever done a bit of weight restoration in a hospital setting, but i'm planning on recovering on my own bc hospital was so detrimental and traumatising for me, and i'm curious as to how the experience of gaining weight, and the rate of weight gain, is different when you're doing it yourself - sloer? faster? easier/harder to cope with?

thanks :)

Has anybody else’s ED turned them into an absolutely toxic dumpster fire of a human? Consider myself a good person and a good friend with some baggage from past experiences but this last year I’ve gotten to my lowest weight and I’m just a liar and selfish and abusive to people around me.

I know what Google says but I want to know what >!purging!< actually does to your teeth from people who have experienced it. I’m currently struggling with >!mia!< and this is one of the things that worries me sometimes. I’m kinda just curious what you guys have experienced

I'm having such a hard time choosing recovery! I deleted my calorie counting app, I got rid of my food scale. But I still count calories in my head a lot of the time, I'm better at it than I thought. I also sometimes obsessively write about the food I've eaten in my journal even tho I'm trying to stop doing that. And I also can't get myself to get rid of the scale yet. U G H. I got a little bit of like a dopamine burst or whatever the first couple times i challenged myself w/ food, but that's kind of worn off (espc since only have one person in my life I feel I can talk to abt that kind of stuff and don't want to use her for validation too many times, which is where I think a lot of the dopamine from doing challenges has come from, honestly).

It's so hard to stop thinking about the number on the scale. I keep wanting to see it go down. Even tho I've tried (with varying degrees of success) to restrict less, I've def added more exercise. Which, I don't think is excessive, but def not 🧠 healthy for me, it's definitely a direct reaction to the food...

Sorry for rambling, i'm just so stressed. I am working SO hard on my mental health. I just did a (not ed specific) partial hospitalization program, and I see a regular therapist and made an appointment with a new psychiatrist. I'm also going to a gynecologist to talk about getting treated for PMDD which makes my moods unstable. Honestly, other than the disordered eating, I'm doing a pretty fucking good job: being open and honest with people, setting & respecting boundaries, taking care of myself in other ways, not having an alcohol relapse, challenging some of my other compulsions/obsessive thoughts..... Why is this one so hard to push past? 😭😭😭😭

What are some ways you all stay motivated and chose continued recovery?

This is a ridiculous thing to post, but here we go:

I am having my second date with a guy tonight!! Last time, we just went for coffee and a walk in the park, and this time, he suggested going mini golfing and cooking together afterwards.

Here’s where it gets tricky. I already had my „big meal“ for the day- I usually don’t do more than that.

But I really want to see him, and I really want to spend time with him. I’m so anxious, and nervous, and somehow excited and scared at the same time, it’s driving me insane and I just needed to share that with someone!!