Rules:

We all know how hard it is to find regular therapy, especially with insurance in the USA, bazillion especially for NPD (anywhere in the world)

Do we have a list anywhere of therapists who treat NPD? Sort by location/insurance etc?

Psychology today and other searches haven't been helpful, but it would be nice to have a list of therapists put together by pwNPD for pwNPD so we don't have to sort through a bunch of therapists who treat "victims of narcissistic abuse" (ew) or "sorry we don't take your insurance even tho psychologytoday says we do"...

And it would be nice if they were actually vetted by someone in treatment with them so that we know they know what they're doing with NPD instead of wasting time and money and not actually doing ineffective or counterproductive therapies.

Is that a thing we can do???

Without getting too into the weeds of my last relationship I want to use it as an example.

My ex was absolutely gorgeous. I’ve always dated objectively attractive people (besides one guy) but my ex was my type in every single way. Physically and on paper. Just Perfect. And a cluster B as well. I believed he was my twin flame, my best friend, and the love of my life.

He was accomplishing huge goals during our relationship and all of his achievements felt like they were also mine. I did everything I could to ensure his successes and each one fed me more. I was so proud of him. I loved bragging about him and letting peoples reactions fill me up. I loved seeing his happiness when I praised him - holding his confidence in my hands and watching it overflow as I licked the drips down my arms.

I loved when he got attention from other women - it fed my ego so much knowing other people saw how attractive he was and that he was all mine. I loved showing him off and watching him in public - it got me off knowing what I got to do to him in private. I would fantasize about going out and waiting afar for some girl to start hitting on him so I could watch her make a fool of herself - then I would walk up, smile, and walk away with what was mine feeling so fucking superior. I would fantasize about people watching us fuck, lusting for us while we showed each other off. There’s more but I think you get the idea. The fun of it was feeling like we were at the top, literally and figuratively untouchable by anyone else.

But he entertained the attention from others and it was the ongoing fight in our relationship. I called him out on it every time and he could never take accountability. When he would just laugh along with admirers instead of setting boundaries to make it clear that he only wanted my attention it enraged me. It wounded my ego. It shattered my fantasy that he saw everyone else beneath me, us. I don’t know what I was expecting of him but it broke me a little when I realized he could get validation from someone who wasn’t me. And each time it happened it broke me a little more. The already-low-at-baseline trust I had in him wore thinner and thinner until the point of transparency one year into the relationship.

I just knew. It was one of our happiest days we’d ever spent together but I just knew. And I was done lying to myself about it and tired of my dependency on weed to live in denial. I looked at his phone for the first time and saw he was cheating on me (my biggest regret is not looking sooner the way I had in every other relationship but I was trying to be “better” this time). He said he was addicted to the validation. I snapped. I went from wanting to give the world to him to wanting to burn everything to the ground and I ended up getting badly burned in the process. We stayed together through 5 more months of hell on earth until he discarded me. It caused a horrible collapse, I became self-aware, and I’ve been working towards healing for the past 7 months.

• continued in comments -

Without getting too into the weeds of my last relationship I want to use it as an example.

My ex was absolutely gorgeous. I’ve always dated objectively attractive people (besides one guy) but my ex was my type in every single way. Physically and on paper. Just Perfect. And a cluster B as well. I believed he was my twin flame, my best friend, and the love of my life.

He was accomplishing huge goals during our relationship and all of his achievements felt like they were also mine. I did everything I could to ensure his successes and each one fed me more. I was so proud of him. I loved bragging about him and letting peoples reactions fill me up. I loved seeing his happiness when I praised him - holding his confidence in my hands and watching it overflow as I licked the drips down my arms.

I loved when he got attention from other women - it fed my ego so much knowing other people saw how attractive he was and that he was all mine. I loved showing him off and watching him in public - it got me off knowing what I got to do to him in private. I would fantasize about going out and waiting afar for some girl to start hitting on him so I could watch her make a fool of herself - then I would walk up, smile, and walk away with what was mine feeling so fucking superior. I would fantasize about people watching us fuck, lusting for us while we showed each other off. There’s more but I think you get the idea. The fun of it was feeling like we were at the top, literally and figuratively untouchable by anyone else.

But he entertained the attention from others and it was the ongoing fight in our relationship. I called him out on it every time and he could never take accountability. When he would just laugh along with admirers instead of setting boundaries to make it clear that he only wanted my attention it enraged me. It wounded my ego. It shattered my fantasy that he saw everyone else beneath me, us. I don’t know what I was expecting of him but it broke me a little when I realized he could get validation from someone who wasn’t me. And each time it happened it broke me a little more. The already-low-at-baseline trust I had in him wore thinner and thinner until the point of transparency one year into the relationship.

I just knew. It was one of our happiest days we’d ever spent together but I just knew. And I was done lying to myself about it and tired of my dependency on weed to live in denial. I looked at his phone for the first time and saw he was cheating on me (my biggest regret is not looking sooner the way I had in every other relationship but I was trying to be “better” this time). He said he was addicted to the validation. I snapped. I went from wanting to give the world to him to wanting to burn everything to the ground and I ended up getting badly burned in the process. We stayed together through 5 more months of hell on earth until he discarded me. It caused a horrible collapse, I became self-aware, and I’ve been working towards healing for the past 7 months.

I’ve been committed to staying single and celibate since then (the longest I’ve ever gone) and indefinitely until I’m healthy enough for a healthy relationship. But in all the work I’ve done over these 7 months (therapy twice a week and 15 years of therapy off and on prior to that) I’ve never been able to think about people any differently.

I’m not able to consider people as individuals with needs and feelings separate from my own. I’ve attracted other cluster Bs almost exclusively and my toxic and emotionally draining relationships have come at the expense of my self-development. I’ve just used my achievements and my partners/relationships (which I also saw as achievements) to define myself to the world. And I’ve collapsed after every personal failure but this was the first relationship that caused me collapse. And I think it’s because I truly loved him. But he was also the best supply I’ve ever had.

When I’ve been approached by men since I have only seen their flaws and ways they need to improve to be better than my ex. I can’t date someone who isn’t better than my ex because that would mean I’m not better than my ex (which has been my pattern in every relationship - this partner has to be better than my last one so I can feel superior). And it’s never that they’re better because they are a better person or treat me better it’s that they are more attractive, more successful, more intelligent.

And I finally found my human embodiment of perfection in my ex so I hit my ceiling and I crashed so fucking hard.

Even with all of this awareness I can’t make myself feel any differently. I can’t fuck someone I’m not attracted to and I’m not attracted to someone who doesn’t hold value. I can’t make myself be attracted to someone who reflects poorly on me. I can’t make myself not see people as a reflection of me.

I feel so uncomfortable with intimacy. It would be another massive post explaining this but I can only let people get so close. My ex was the closest I’ve ever been to anyone and there was still a line I couldn’t cross.

It just feels hopeless and like my only solution is to remain single. I’m enjoying being single now but I think I would like a partner someday. But it’s always an idealized relationship and love that just isn’t attainable and idk how to be happy when I feel like I’ll just be settling.

Hiya, I want to dial back on my arrogance because it is consuming me. I cant change my mind even when im wrong and I want to change the way that i think and I want to love again. So what actions can i do e.g. volunteering etc which will make me see myself in this world more realistically and less grandiose.

Yup, you heard it here first.

Rather than the gloomy pronouncements you see in multiple corners of the internet, narcissism is in fact a condition that can be cured.

How can I say that with confidence? Well, I spent 2 1/2 hours today talking with u/Lisa_Charlebois, a therapist who specialises in treating narcissism, and she says every single one of her clients who stuck with her – in 30 years of work as a therapist – grew beyond their narcissism.

But wait? What about Dr Ramen/Sam Vacuum/EveryoneOnTheInternetEver/My Neighbour's Cat??? They all say it can't be cured!!!!

What is this woman's secret superpower?

Well, she is a healed narcissist herself. So none of your fake fronts are gonna fool her. Nope - she sees you as you really are, and she loves you for it!

Have a listen to what healed narcissism sounds like in the first half of our chat:

https://pdrawpodcast.alitu.com

i'd never say im a covert narcissist but i've got plenty of traits being a borderline with autism is fearsome for others, im narcissistic, you might aswell count me the same, sometimes. But that's how i am. All i can do is cope with what ive got and change when i need to naturally as i grow up and realise more and more how kind the world truly is outside of myself. Adhd too.

Anyone else feel the same? Tell me what it's like being married. Think the husbands got it too. Borderline and npd, just by the way he acts. I refuse to see him until he's changed.

But you guys, tell me what it's like? Happy experiences, bad ones. Wanting to care but can't, not wanting to, hating whatever it is. I'm a minor in psychology so, hit me w ur worst and best shots people i dont mind.

Anyone else feel like they’re walking around naked all the time? Even with friends I’ve known for most of my life I feel awkward and like they’re gonna find me out for who I really am at any moment. I’m paranoid af thinking they don’t like me/ think they’re off with me.

This extends into all my relationships even with my partner. I feel like I am nothing without my mask, I don’t feel like life is worth living, feeling so bare and empty. But what do we do? Do we allow the mask/ grandeur to surface and live in delusion, or live in misery?

Feel like there’s some black and white thinking going on here, would like to know how others find balance

And I’m totally responsible for that.

I moved to study and live in another country about a decade ago, not least because I wanted to escape from my narcissistic abusive family (even though I didn’t know anything about psychology back then). It was also because studying abroad was considered cool by my peers and I was way more advanced than them, so I thought I’d make them jealous of my success.

In my previous thread I mentioned self imposed social isolation. That’s because I felt I was not the top dog here anymore. I couldn’t express myself perfectly in a foreign language and in the adult world being social is considered way more important than being smart or having top tier academic/work performance.

After years of self improvement I barely speak the language with an accent, but I’m still aware of my imperfection. Moreover, I hate being asked about my family because that will trigger my traumatic experience. So I still tend to avoid group settings or situations that I’m unsure of.

Now after a decade of social withdrawal I’ve finally realized the harm I did to myself and decided to reintroduce myself into the society. But the above mentioned obstacles are still blockading me inside. Going back home? Not possible. Besides I’ve become so estranged from my homelands society so I don’t think a return to home would make a big difference.

The only solution that seems to make sense to me now is finding an international field where most people speak English. When nobody is speaking in his mother tongue I feel way less insecure. I’m already working in that direction.

Yeah I know all this sounds ridiculous, but it’s all my own fault.

i feel like an empty shell of human. i feel like im fake and everything im doing is fake. nothing is inside of me, just a walking piece of meat. i see myself and others as concepts, not a living and breathing people with their feelings. im curious if someone has the same vision on world.

Maybe I have ADHD, maybe I should'nt drink so much caffeine. But I swear to God the internal monologue in my head never shuts the fuck up. I'm legitimately so fucking tired of listening to myself go on about the same shit day in day out. Always trying to reach some grand epiphany, like if at any moment the curtains are gonna be pulled back, and the imaginary audience that's been watching me my whole life is going to rise up from their seats and give me a standing ovation, roses landing at my feet, and the ending credits to my life will roll. It's ridiculous. I am a NOBODY. But all my life I've held onto this belief that even a nobody can become somebody, and I can't let that thought go.

Have realized something really flippin' cool and I hope that this motivates others on their recovery path.

My narcissistic behaviors have been a lack of accountability for my actions and behaviors and specifically lying/hiding things/cheating a few years ago.

Now 2 years into recovery, I have started to resist urges that could put me in compromising positions. When I see someone attractive at the gym, I make note of it and actively suppress the urge to talk them up, because that would be disrespectful/hurtful to my partner (empathy) and it would be cheating (social norm). When I met someone attractive at a club a couple weeks ago, I recognized that there were boundaries about to be crossed, so I left the club and didn't go to the same crowd that was going to be at the next night's party. There's others I find attractive in my day to day life, so I don't put myself in one-on-one situations with them. And if I have to be around them, I actively keep the conversation to appropriate topics.

I used to never do this; before I became self-aware, I would justify and allow the other person to make a move on me so I wouldn't feel guilty, then I would go as far as they were willing (including sex) and I would lie and scheme to keep my behavior from being exposed. Nowadays, I make an active effort to do the right thing and stay on the safe side so as not to make serious errors and poor choices.

Now of course, I recognize that I probably don't have NPD (I have seeked a diagnosis for years and every time the psychiatrist or therapist gives a firm "no" that they wouldn't even consider seriously screening me because they don't see enough evidence in my behavior), but I don't want to use the fact that I was in college/a teenager as an excuse for my shitty past behavior. I think I'm more self-aware of my narcissistic traits now and how the behaviors I take in narcissism can hurt others and I actively choose not to behave that way anymore. And I am grateful to have grown in that way.

I just feel very behind in life. All my past classmates are living their hopes and dreams while I'm still in college, which I have to stay over for another year because I missed a class I need. Lokking at what they achieved, hearing what they're going to do makes me almost homicidally envious. I give up on trying to mask it. Supressing feelings gets me nowhere, I look down on people all the time, I hate people taking up my time, I hate studying for things and I hate people popping my bubble of happiness with their existence.

She said it herself (in the video below). I know, shocker.

But I was about to make a post that actually defended her to some extent, because I've seen another video of hers where she makes the distinction between NPD as a mental illness, and narcissism (which she generally equates to abuser).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIqpeQb1RQc&t=235s

But then, she basically denies the existence of NPD as a form of mental illness in this video, saying it should be removed from the DSM.

I'm kind of speechless that someone purportedly so educated on the subject of narcissism could actually be in so much denial.

Maybe it's just me, but this video takes a very defensive tone.

Good evening,

I am currently sitting on a bench in a small park-like area and I am unable to resist my urge to finally write these happenings down.

Let me explain. I met a girl while drinking with friends and we got into each other a little. Later that evening we went to another pub to drink another beer and started kissing. We tried having sex, but it didn't work at first so it got delayed one week. Inbetween that we also spent some time together and got to know each other a little more. Anyways, she was very open and honest with me from the beginning. She told me about her messed up relationship in which she is involved since almost a decade. She cheats sometimes and told me she isn't really into monogamy. So, we are still meeting up to this date and we cover everything up. It's messed up, haha. We both talk about it, and that we should end what we're having, since we really got into each other. We both know we play with the fire. We can never be together. Impossible. On one of our dates I explained to her my view of why we are matching so well, since she is 5 years older than me. I told her it's about our narcissistic Injuries, our narcissistic traits that lays within. She says things that always wire my brain to a narcissistic source.

To the déjà-vu's now finally: The first time I entered her apartment everything felt very, very familiar. Almost frightening. I'll try to sum up all or most of the déjà-vu's I had now. When I went into the bathroom for the first time I was shocked. (By the way, I started crying while writing this part. Emotions flood me. I'm very high right now and and have a little alcohol in my system.) The bathroom has a small staircase and a lowered ceiling. The toilet in the corner. The way there are 2 light switches. When I sat on the toilet I looked up, the way the shower curtain was assembled at the ceiling, with that one screw at the corner. It's incredible. And every other day I went to her's I still got these déjà vu's even when I thought I should know it by now. Okay so then there's her dog and her cat, whose names are so fucking familiar and matching for me in this constellation. And there are two photos of them, which I also "remember". I have some smaller "flashbacks" here and there in small situations aswell which I can't recall right now. So remember the place I am still sitting at right now? That little park-like square thing? We walked passed this while walking the dog once, and it already felt very familiar. We sat down for a moment here and I decided to go here this night since it's quiet here and I can listen to music. So, the way I parked my bike, leaning against the tree, it feels familiar. And the way I put my arm on the bench in order to snap the cigarette into the trashbin. It's all feeling so weird. And btw; I smoke too much weed currently. But it's so weird this is only happening in context with this person. We have a "deep bond" already imo. I know it's basically toxic, deeply, but we're both okay with it and we are not toxic towards each other, the opposite, we are really cute and she enjoys my cuddles haha. My god, why am I even typing this shit?! Anyways. I'm gonna smoke my last joint and head towards my home and sleep.

Rest well everyone

Edit: I have no idea what's happening inside my head, but I also took a 2 hour walk or something today and stood by a bridge for half an hour, smoked 4 cigs and idealized about dying, like having passive suicidal thoughts and I cried aswell. No idea man, it's weird because everything's fine currently, I am even in very good contact with my parents since I moved out and my mom is so happy that I look so happy and that I show a happy impression. She mentioned it's not only the fact I visit them, but also the way I visit them and the way I am. Rolling now... Good night

I hate my life and I hate who I am. I hate the way I am, I hate the way I look, I am nothing underneath.

Pretty upset I got a job partially in hopes that I could get my liceanse with my bosses help. Because my family is no contact and shitty(very abusive narc mom). The entire time I've worked there I've been masking as hard as possible. Being bubbly.

Sweet acting very nieve. Ive allowed people to say things to me that I don't usually because the understanding that my liceanse could be in jeprody if I don't put on my best act.

I've allowed alot to slip with this job this position also likes to miss treat employees and the all the higher ups laugh about putting only new people through harsh labor because they see them as lesser. Which i weirdly find annoying.

and this job doesnt offer even close to livible pay. They tell u ask for more hours then tell ya they cant last minute etc and just alot of really shit rules and the bosses also are just very toxic and thats coming from me haha.

Im also surrendered by racists and homophobs who constantly make their hate your problem constantly 24/7. (im gay and mixed race).

I've been working really hard on driving and getting ready to go take my test getting so close Only to be told that my boss is leaving and will no longer help me get my license.

Which means I'm out of a car for the road test and lessons are expensive.

He just bluntly told me, didn't even apologize didnt even say we weren't gonna be driving again.

Didn't throw a big extravagant fit or cry nothing but I guess I'm expecting the fake exadurated emotinal responses i give others haha. My boss doing that honestly pisses me off like extremely.

With that info my mask started breaking because of my anger.

Recently I've been having uncontrollable angry outbursts. And ive been catching myself being more vulgar open and very cold. Everybody there thinks I'm there friend but recently some of them have been seeing through the cracks.

Not responding to my texts because of things I've said etc and because now i dont give a shit about anything when it comes to the job so ive also been complaining alot.

I'm honestly trying so hard not to let my life spiral right now cause honestly all I wanna do is say fuck u pieces of shit fuck my bills I mf quit..but I do that with every job because no matter what I hate and no ones ever good enough.

Simply I realized I was narcissistic and I’m 20 years old and I want to change but I looked up things for narcissists and they say we cannot change at all. They say that there is no hope for us unless we want to change and I do but I’ve done so many things can’t come back from it…. So what do I do now? Also I’m a female and I have no friends now and all my relationships are doomed. Idk if I can start over. Please don’t try to convince me that I’m not a narcissist because I’m saying this and calling myself out but I just came very self aware of all of my bs and I’m tired. I tried suicide but that didn’t work, so what’s next?

Alot of my fantasies involve romance and love, having an ideal partner. Lately I realize I have to force or try to induce empathy if this person was even real. I realize all my previous partners were just extensions of me, ideal images of them in my head that if they strayed from I would lose interest. When I realize this is what's going on it hits hard and makes me realize how isolated and delusional this disorder makes me. Even if I were to find the "one", it would just end in losing feelings/interest and just seeing them as something to use.

Can people with npd develop or learn affective empathy? I feel completely dead inside and its starting to bother me

I'm going to quote myself. This is this something I wrote in response to somebody else who is angry at himself and ready to give up. And he's serious.

"I'm not laughing. I'm literally tearing up. I know what it feels like. I am right there with you. I think about it day and night.

But I'm going to hold on to the belief that I can get better. I've heard very thoughtful people talk about NPD in a way that makes me believe I can get better.

This is what happens when people who have an illness get treated like they're monsters. I'm not a monster and neither of you. We're hurt. That's it. Hurt people can be healed. It's not easy sometimes, but it can happen. Hurt people can be healed. You can be healed.

Take off your shoes and socks. Go find grass somewhere. This world is full of things that knock us down and make it hard, but it's got even more things that can make us feel very small. We're not so big. Our problems can't match up to the beauty of the world. There's beauty everywhere, and our problems are so small compared to how good it feels to have grass on your feet. How wonderful it sounds to hear the ocean or just to see a bird picking up seed that you left for it on your back porch or your balcony.

The things that happened to us are not as big as that. And those things are out there. Those beautiful things are out there. Waiting for us, too. And we can see them just like anybody else. You can see them just like anybody else. The world is full of beauty and you can see it just like anybody else."

I've been a bad person, too. I bet we all have been. All of us with NPD at the core feel shame and anger and hurt. We build this suit of armor that supposed to protect us, but in the end it never does. I want to be small.

The moon hangs in the sky or a coyote yells in the distance. The ocean rolls in and rolls out and rolls in and rolls out. And sometimes there's dew on the grass. You could feel it under your feet if your feet are naked.

If I die tonight or I live to the ripe old age of 112, all of that stuff is going to keep on going. And it doesn't care about me. The Sun sits there not grandiose not cocky not arrogant. It just knows it's the center of our universe. It just burns and burns and burns. And who am I? I'm so small compared to that giant star. And that's not even the biggest star. But it's ours. The warms half of us half of the time and the other half the rest of the time. We are so small.

That's the thing that's sticking in my head. I want to be small. Because that sun or that moon or that wind or those screaming birds that flock around my window early in the morning are going to keep doing what they're doing... And I can see them and hear them just like anyone else. No one else is better than I am. No fucking pseudo psychologist on YouTube or a bunch of idiots riding books about me and what a terror I am and how you should run screaming from the house if you realize that you are in bed with an NPD. None of the things I've listed before are going to stop doing what they're doing because I have NPD. And they're going to keep burning and keep rolling and keep singing no matter who is looking at them or listening to them. And I get to put my feet in the grass. It doesn't matter how lousy I am. The grass will still feel just as good under my feet as it'll feel under the feet of some saint or some high and mighty would be savior of the internet.

I get to put my feet in the grass just like anyone else. And the grass gets to feel good to me. And the breeze gets to feel good to me. And if I put water in a flower it'll bloom for me. And if I put seeds in a bird feeder the birds will come and eat off of my balcony. They don't care that I have NPD. These amazing and majestic things that exist in nature and have existed for longer than I have and will exist for longer than I will all consider me just as good as anyone else. They've got no prejudice against me.

I could touch them. I can watch. I can listen. I can enjoy beauty just like anyone else and beauty won't judge me. Beauty won't stop being beautiful even if it knows I have NPD.

Beauty won't stop being beautiful for me.

Genuinely not trying to sound like some kind of edge lord this thought just came to me in the shower

It’s like when the “bad guy” finally loses it feels like WE both lost cuz I was living thorough him/her in a way , we were a team 😭😭😭😭

I've already talked about how I logically feel like I should commit suicide on this Reddit.

Yesterday, I tried to self harm myself, and it honestly felt good (but I couldn't fully harm myself, coz stupid me didn't want to hurt my mom's feelings).

I don't like how my life is today, I want to rewind.

I am currently a student in college and things haven't been going well for me (It's complicated, but let's just say that this is going to be the second time I fail a semester).

I bet all of my parents' friends and relatives are going to be like 'haha I told you she was no good'.

Dying feels like the easier option. I am not ready to face the consequences of my actions.

God, if you exist, please end my life. I want to die tonight.

I always feel like I’m being watched and judged. I thought it was by god and my parents as a child, now it’s people in public and my friends. Therefore I think I am the center of attention and thus a target for praise or criticism. So when people don’t interact with me in the way I want I think they are acting maliciously so I react accordingly. I think you’re doing something to try to get at me and I’d rather do something first.

Does anyone relate to this? I think it may also be partially due to my adhd; fast internal clock that forces me to hyperanalyze every aspect of my situation and environment in order to remain stimulated.

Just the title. How do I get over him? I can’t stop thinking about him, whether negative or positive. It’s like he’s glued to my mind. But I need to move on.

I’ve been wondering as I am interested in someone… 1) Does your partner know you have NPD? and 2) how do you manage feelings of inferiority? I find myself thinking “I don’t deserve him.”

I’ve had a series of major major rejections lately that have seriously been getting to me. Being love bombed and then cheated on by someone I genuinely liked more than most people. Opening up and being vulnerable to someone that I was starting to get close to and potentially date. A close friend having to leave because life stuff. I don’t feel happy interacting in the space I met them in anymore and I keep coming close to lashing out at people in it.

And now I’m stressed because the girl I’m talking to and very very very into, is seeing a guy. And I don’t know why I, as a lesbian, feel so threatened by her liking a guy. Maybe being trans has something to do with it but.. I wonder if it has to do with like how into her I am. Like I want her to be entirely mine. Which is hypocritical because we’re both ENM and the dude is married!

Today I did a workout class. I signed up for one too intense for me at this stage and because of a number of medical issues wrong with me I had to leave halfway through cause I was nearly passing out. I don’t have words to describe the shame and anger I felt walking up to the front to put my things away. And now when my friends are asking how it went? I’m lying to them. I nearly lied to her about it. It was so hard not to. Especially cause I want her to think I’m strong and capable.

I feel like such a mess right now so I figured I’d yell it into the void since I can’t share this with anyone I know. Hopefully the void has some insight

TW

sorry if this type of question isn't allowed. i'm curious if there's any links between my interest in bdsm and my npd, or if other narcs are into it too. someone in the bdsm community i'm in once said that there are many narc doms and bpd subs. i am a narc sub, i am vulnerable not grandiose though and the therapist who diagnosed me said that that's basically having milder bpd symptoms with slight differences, so i guess it still fits that. my boyfriend, who's a dom, isn't diagnosed with anything but he definitely has a lot of grandiose traits. i have no clue where all of it comes from, i can't point to a specific thing that made me interested in bdsm because it's just kind of always been there. even as a child, the tendencies were there i just didn't know what to call it. it had began wayyy earlier than any actual sexuality development even started in me. it's a core part of me, so much is based on it, almost my entire sexuality, my needs in relationships etc. i'm not in a 24/7 master slave dynamic nor do i have any desire for that kinda thing, but the dom sub thing is still part of the relationship dynamics between me and my boyfriend, and that's something i need. so... very big core part of me. but then so is my npd, that's always been there too. i don't know if they're connected. anyone else? what do you think?

Edit : adding triggering label + edit written at the end of my post-

After reading here about the day we could call the « stigmatisation of PwNPD Day», it reminded me that there's another date to celebrate (!), Mother's Day (this weekend in North America).

For the occasion, I would like to share with you one of my favorite childhood memories :

She repeats, in front of us and, at least once a week and in a tantrum, that she's dissatisfied with her life and that her husband and children are the cause of that, we are holding her prisoner, while she dreams of freedom, without all of us.

lol, that being said, i’m still a « good child » and I call her every year on Mother's Day and now have a cordial relationship with her, but in reality, I don't really see what there is to celebrate.

(Oh! Does that mean I can be part of the « NarcAbuse Awareness day whatever » too ?! lol)

Edit: There were two main things in my post.

The first is that I'm always a little uncomfortable when it's Mother's Day. I'm ambivalent because for me there are these memories that are hard to associate with the meaning of Mother's Day. (Sorry if meanwhile I may have write a trigger for some of you)..

Secondly (and this is something I only realized after publishing my post), I think I've repeated a behavior I'm trying to better understand and not do, namely that of responding with a certain arrogance to an event or comment I don't appreciate (sometimes I actually respond out loud, but more often it's a response I keep to myself). In the case of my post today, it had to do with the fact that there's this « awareness day » that I consider to be against people living with NPD. No wonder, with all the stigma surrounding this PD, that I've had such a hard time coming to terms with my diagnosis. (It's scary, I didn't want to be associated with this stereotype of a « Monster »). But by writing here I've only repeated a reaction that I consider unhealthy. I think there are other ways of reacting to what I perceive as criticism, and that's what I'm learning in therapy. I've made progress in six months, but there's still more to do. Anyway, it was mostly an expression of sadness that I acted in the wrong way. Like I comment to another post, I think there should be advocates and awareness for ALL mental problems and that includes NPD bc I see here in this channel more people with reflexive thinking and hard working towards recovery and a better version of ourselves than a LOT of places.

What meds do you take, if any?

A newly discovered extinct species of deer with big round eyes is found by everyman scientists. I read and wonder if my own little fawn hasn't been extinguished. I dare not get confirmation one way or the other by following the bloody trail, by visually verifying the remains at the end of the most panicked scurrying set of hoof prints. I know I must have lost control. I watched myself after the hunger pains won and I merrily clawed you open and bit out a chunk. How do you live with the blood on your hands, the weight on chest?

Do you know what it does to someone to have the one you hold most dear turn white and flee in terror. To know that you are so despicable that the pure, innocent, small one will never gaze lovingly on your face again, may never bounce and hop in excited circles around you? To never again be deemed deserving of her warmth, affection, joy, etc.

Do you know what it does to someone when they're abandoned by the person who adopted them? They chose me. And I let them down. How does a pure, innocent, small child handle the loss of his best friend when it's all his fault? When his world stops turning for only him but nobody even notices. When all he did was pour his heart out.

Yet move on one absolutely must. Surrender is no option for a damn ape-x predator. The Prime Rey-ape 👑. Why do we think a person must be human? Why do we let ourselves fall captive to such insidious lies. Don't holler if it ain't Horton!

Heavy is the heartbeat that bears the crown, terminal is the disease in that terrible black breeze. Is guilt a thing of fear or love? Pain or strength? What if our hearts know that the foolish minds delude and deluge the truth away?

Is a scream any less blood curdling when it comes from a pig or a pine? How have we grown so accostumed to the rivers of blood. You call it a massacre? I call it Taco Tuesday. You lost your whole family? Would it comfort you at all to know they were delicious? Your great guardian looked picture perfect in my homes hearth, covered in tinsel and dressed up like an evergreen whore.

Dear friends, hold strong and carry on. But try to remember the promise in our hearts, the reasons from the start, what causes us to keep safe and secret this spark. Do we yet glow? Or are we the last gasp of sullied cinders? We keep alive even in the coolest quiet dark. We are all a living ark. Let hope not vengeance guide our marks. Reconnect with the one who died for our love, our selves.

Do y’all lash out too if you get the slightest criticism? I hate myself, I lost everyone