Rules:

Im a covert narcissist and i like to think of myself as unique to others a lot, i typically have prided myself in being more aware than most narcissists, im able to mask it really well around others, fulfil my need for attention and nobody who i havent told has figured out im like this, i can understand my behaviour being bad at times and i even suspected i had it before i got diagnosed. However i recently began to wonder if im not self aware at all, if im just delusional and dont understand, that i just think im self aware to fill my superiority complex and ill truly never be able to get better. It's honestly annoying to think about, being trapped inside your own head. I need an external source to tell me what they think.

I just want to make a note of this and I'm interested if other people relate.

I think my mind is still not very accurate - on an automatic level - when it comes to interpretating the actions of others. I believe this is the poor mentalisation associated with having a personality disorder - though it could be a human thing as well.

I notice that my habitual thoughts about people are often very negatively biased, or very much over-inflated. There is typically no evidence to support my assumptions. Even when people provide evidence, I can struggle to accept it.

I do challenge my thinking. Sometimes this is easy, and sometimes it's hard.

But I'm at a point now where I can see how these misperceptions can really impact my life. For example, they can lead me to avoid people or sustaining connections.

When it becomes clear that I'm wrong, there is regret and sorrow.

So I want to be more mindful of my biased assumptions and make extra effort to at least consider different perspectives.

...

For instance:

When people reach out to me, I can easily automatically think they don't really want me in their lives, but are just doing it to be kind.

It's the same when people give me compliments, or I can think they are flattering me to use me for their own gain.

When people don't reply to me, I very quickly think I have annoyed them, or they must secretly hate me or have had enough of me.

I habitually assume my work clients see me as a weak, fragile, strange, weird, odd man. I think they are frequently fed up with me.

...

Or I think they are glowing in admiration for me.

When my therapist flicks her hair in a session, I think she must be sexually attracted to me and is flirting.

When I'm out and about, I think people see me and are variously: admiring, lusting after me, intimidated by me.

...

I can and do override my assumptions, but it takes effort.

However, I guess I have to keep going and double down on my efforts.

I notice that when I do, I'm able to build better relationships and have a more grounded self-esteem.

...

Just before I went to press 'Post', I considered not bothering.

I caught myself thinking that other people would think either very negatively or positively about what I've written. I saw their scrawled up faces of judgement, or them rolling their eyes or laughing at me. I saw people bouncing up and down in over-the-top admiration.

Both of these assumptions of people's responses almost stopped me from posting. Not that my posts are the be and end all. But it would be ashame not to share and exchange with other people. It makes life richer.

Seeing my psych tomorrow but I am one for sure. Here’s my story:

I’ve been attempting to get a better understanding of myself since I got diagnosed with bipolar 1 two years ago. I completely destroyed my life, but it’s not even worth bitching about. But thinking about my life I’m narcissistic, and my next oldest sibling is absolutely this way and she also has bipolar but not taking the steps.

Background. I grew up in a strict Christian household. I’m the only male out of five children (I’m #4) and everyone in our smallish home (we were probably upper tier of lower middle class) was constantly fighting, everyday after school, every night when dad got home. My dad didn’t take the time out for me as the only boy would need because he was too busy working, and being pissed when he wasn’t. My parents put me in my own room as the boy (they all shared) and one night, when I was 3, my next oldest sibling (I’ll called her #3) hid under my bed and hopped on top of me screaming in my face like a monster and I couldn’t sleep alone until age 5 (slept in my oldest sisters room). Very traumatic for a child that age. Perhaps childhood PTSD

I never got the toys I wanted being the only boy, never had a bike, or taught to ride one until 9, video games weren’t allowed, and I think that longing turned to envy after a certain age. Always felt the need to lie to other boys at school because I’d be laughed at for not having the things that they had, which was true I did get made fun of.

All of that is rotten and shitty and I think feeling alone and what I perceived as neglected as the boy. My mom was so strict to me, constantly grounding me for the most ridiculous reasons to where my friends compared her to kyles mom in South Park saying “what what what?” At me and it got me resentful and pissed. And when dad got home i got reamed out even more.

I was usually one of the best academically in my classes as a kid, and got nothing in return. Which I was fine with! I felt pride in being smart, which probably contributed to some superiority complex. But something that stuck with me one night at the fighting house when my dad said to my sister “if you do well there’s no reward, but if you mess up there will be consequences.” That still haunts me and I’m 30.

I remember being somewhat empathetic as a young boy. I really cared about my younger sister and her being safe from them (shes #5 and I’m #4). I hated them, really did, and u didn’t want to see her dealing with that. But eventually I started being inconsiderate of her. #2 and esp #3 fucked with me so badly up until I was a teen i couldn’t care. Made fun of me for anything I did or liked. #3 told my strict parents I had my first gf at 12 and they made me break up with her. For shit like this and the constant fighting of mostly women in front of me, I became withdrawn and stopped caring much for them.

By the time I was 14 I was stealing from them, and I always justified it because I felt like they fucked with me for so long so it didn’t matter. Smoking weed, stealing from stores, drinking alcohol, getting arrested. Kept getting in trouble and by 16, they’d try grounding me and I was basically like “fuck you what are you gonna do about it?” Stopped attending church because I associated it with bad/cruel people (which it was and that’s its own story, child sex abuse and the such). They couldn’t stop me. By 17 I was selling weed, and I could then support my weed habit and indulge in the hedonism I’d developed from not getting what I felt like I deserved as a kid.

Still got good grades (90% total high school avg.) and I went to college. My superiority complex became more inflated, which I think does happen when people go to school (‘those losers in HS didn’t go to college’ line of thinking). Continued doing drugs and drinking, worsening habits. I almost died in a hazing incident where my lung collapsed and my spleen exploded, spent a month in the hospital and shrunk to 108 lbs. I was 19, and became filled with pure hate at that point.

Continued through school at another school, was bitter but had a solid crew of friends by the end, a few of which I still talk to (and they really care about me after my bp diagnosis).

After school, I got hired to a big manufacturing company doing finance, operations management and accounting. Live all around the US and even Mexico, was a crazy experience, did it 6 years. During that time I was abusing alcohol and cocaine heavily, but worked out a lot and stayed relatively healthy in my mind (I wasn’t). Had a couple meaningless relationships, too much alcohol involved for any to be meaningful. More hedonism, buying things all the time which I think is rooted the entitlement I gad as a kid (justifiable or not). Bought a house in 2021 that I didn’t need, but it worked out bc we probably won’t see that market any time soon.

Had my psychotic break in 2022, and lost some friends and a lot of my family won’t talk to me (which is veryyy common with bipolar). As I said, #3 (who tortured me from toddlerhood) also has the disease and is an extreme narcissist to the point she can’t hold down any friends. A big portion of mine date back to elementary and middle school. Still, I’m a piece of shit and I put blame on others for becoming this but I don’t think I’m terribly far off in my assessment as to how I became this way, but it’s all probably wrapped up and with a bow of entitlement on top. Just wanted to share, going ti talk to my psychiatrist about it and get her opinion. What a mess. Thank u

did it make you feel bad, did you doubt it, did you expect it? i'm really curious to know your perspectives

Hello, I just had my first collapse that made me aware, I think I understand some of the things I do and why. I'm trying to stay collapsed and not rebuild my false strong self. How do I know that my ego is not tricking me into another more "humble" grandiosity? Where I see myself as superior because I'm trying to kill my false ego and be a better person? I'm not diagnosed so this is just speculation. Thanks in advance.

I can’t stop manipulating people or exploiting them.

One girl I dated told me it comes second nature to me. I grew up in a very manipulative household and am trying to do better

I always viewed dating as a zero sum game …you’re either using people or you’re getting used.

My dad was a terrible narcissist and even though I hated him for it and have been in and out of therapy for 10+ years …I’m afraid that I myself got stuck with some of his narcissistic tendencies as one of my therapists pointed out

Now it’s not just dating ..even with basic hobbies I find myself doing the same thing.

I move to a new city and take up new hobbies to make new friends. If I got for Salsa dancing for example …if it doesn’t end in me having sex with women or making biz / money connections with men then it was a waste of time etc. I lose interest

Now my “hobbies” of interest are suddenly golf tennis racquetball etc …not so much because I enjoy those sports but because those sports attract individuals with a certain level of wealth that I can exploit for personal gain

It’s like a never ending rabbit hole of not being able to enjoy things just for the way they are - it’s almost like I got programmed as a kid to exploit all situations for personal benefit and to discard / ignore the ones that don’t

How can I just enjoy life without everything needing an ulterior motive to be worth it ? Is what I’m going through NPD?

I’m so lazy. Partially from depression and partially cuz I find it difficult to be productive — to get up and go, so the speak. Honestly my depression is not so bad anymore since I’ve found the right medication. But the laziness is like residual. Won’t go away. It’s what I’m used to I guess?

So I want to know if any other NPD people are like me. And if there is anyone who climbed their way out of laziness.

Sometimes my laziness is the NPD/ mental illness getting in the way. But sometimes I can kinda feel when I’m CHOOSING to be lazy and that my issues aren’t forcing me to hide away and do nothing, like they used to. But even if I’m choosing to be lazy it’s still often to hard to just make the right choice. Very challenging.

I’m sure part of it comes from having no chores or responsibilities growing up. My mom chose this way of raising us because her parents ruined her life with chores and taking care of her four younger siblings. They would galavant off to Europe, Japan, India…and leave my mom who was 16, to hold down the fort. For MONTHS. My mom did not want that life for us. So all she asked was that we excel in school, which we did. Turns out, raising your kids to have responsibilities results in them growing to be functional independent capable self-sufficient adults.

I am the exact opposite.

I’m diagnosed with NPD and BPD. I don’t work.

I’ve wondered why I’ve always struggled in relationships, why’d I’d easily attract people but then maybe after a hookup I get ghosted. Later blocked but always stalked until they just move on.

I’ve thought about how I never really cared when that would happen and would just move to the next. Even when I went on a break with my boyfriend last Friday that same night I went and hooked up with some girl. It’s as if I live just to feel good.

Why do I feel some need to always send shirtless pics and selfies to people I’m interested in? That’s like the biggest red flag and I’m presenting all the qualities lol. Anyone should really just run from me tbh. I mean I’ve even jerked off to myself in the mirror like who tf does that? Weird ass Patrick Bateman shit ugh I’m disgusted

It’s as if I don’t care about them I care about how they care about me.

I cheated on my ex and then I told her about it. She saw through my lies and manipulation. She told me that I just never open up to her. I'm always lieing. Always being dishonest. And she told me that she just wanted the truth no matter how ugly it is.

So I told her that I cheated on her. That of course made us spiral down into a crazy thing for two months. That same night she told me she wanted to come up by my house to get her stuff back. When she came she kept on saying how worthless I am and how awful of a person I am and how I don't deserve love. But that she still wanted to be used by me. We went into my house and we had sex. She slept the night.

The next day and following days were weird. She told me she couldn't let me go and so she decided to stay with me. She said she wanted a non monogamy relationship but one sided just for me. Because that way at least she'd know when I'm with other girls. She took me out to eat and we read books together and such. Hell she even took off work just to spend time with me in those days.

From there it was so up and down and so toxic. We would stop talking and block each other on everything then she would reach back out to me. Eventually she threw away the relationship idea because she just never trusted me again after that. So then I had to deal with the pain of knowing she was sleeping with other people while trying to be friends (Yeah I know it seems stupid since I'm the one who cheated).

Because of these feelings I would lash out at her. She told me she slept with two people while we weren't talking. One was even a sugar daddy who paid her $550 for a night with her. I still tried to talk to her though in hopes of having a relationship one day.

Then we had a super big fight. She told me that one person she fucked she didn't even shower after and then had sex with me the next day. She brought up the past and how I'm a terrible person for taking advantage of her love. And then I lied and said I slept with way more women than what I did while I was with her just to make her feel the pain too. She slapped me and said she never wanted to see me ever again, not to go by her house, or anything.

Of course she then texts me three days later saying she misses me. And of course I give in again. She sends me gas money and I make the two hour drive to see her and she apologizes and says she didn't mean what she said and she didn't do the whole no shower thing out of spite and she didn't want to have sex because of it but also didn't want to say no when I wanted it.

But I feel like this time is different. We had another huge argument and I told her that I think less of her because she does the sugar daddy thing. She got offended and we said things just to hurt each other like the other big fight. After she said she never wants to associate with someone like me again and I at least showed her what she's worth. Her needs are to feel loved, safe, respected, and more but I never gave that to her. Which I agree. I feel like I'm trying my hardest but I really just give the bare minimum if even that. She said looking back on this, finally moving on from me will be the best thing that she did in her young adult life. That really hit me hard.

I know she had been crazy too at points but it only got to that because I cheated, lied, and manipulated. She was soooo amazing when we first started talking and dating. She did the dishes for me, she made me feel loved, she took me out to meals, etc. She went above and beyond truly. But I just couldn't give it back. and it really really sucks. I still think about in two days reaching back out to her but I know I shouldn't. It's just the pain of losing her is so so much.

Saw on one of heal NPD’s videos that Narcissists don’t know how to grieve, just curious on why this would be?

When I think about it I don’t know if I ever really get over my ex’s. I don’t process their loss and some live in my head unresolved to this day.

I fairly recently broke up with my girlfriend and even though I finished the relationship, I am grieving her loss. I know she has moved on now which makes it tough and also has kind of finalised it in my head, it’s hit me that she’s gone and I’d like to grieve what we had and move on.

Do you guys grieve? What does it look like to you?

i have been trying ifs therapy on my own (at the moment i am unemployed and cant afford therapy. i have watched some intro videos on youtube on IFS therapy)

i have come to realize there's a rage mode version of me.

i believe he was "birthed" by bullying at school and witnessing dv at home.

i have given him a name.

but i dont exactly know where i should go from here? how should i interact with that part of me?

i would like to call him whenever i am unsafe. he has helped me in the past.

I’ve been through a lot but I’ve always had the view of myself that I’ve overcome so much and become stronger for it. I’ve always had a deep sense of compassion for others and generally want to do the right thing, but I can admit I can be self centered or a bit inconsiderate at times. But I really mean well and people genuinely really like me. I have trouble with emotional regulation which is an issue but I have a good heart or so I thought.

The last few years my life has really spiraled and everyone I’ve ever been close to has left me. A lot of them have cited my narcissism as the reason which has been confusing, I certainly have a lower view of myself than I should so how could I be narcissistic? I do have better accomplishments, am smarter (objectively) and just kinda better than most people overall, but because I work so damn hard to be and I’m extremely perfectionistic. I only feel this way about myself because I have the success to back it up. And I still feel like I’m not as successful and my potential could allow me to be.

The main thing is I’m realizing I’m super manipulative. I’m charming, and I’m intelligent, and I’m damn good at making people do/think whatever I want. And I ultimately prioritize myself over everyone as long as I’m not hurting them. What they don’t know doesn’t hurt them, right? And I’ve been extremely successful in my sales job for this reason. And people REALLY like me before they get to know me. Like, they fall in love, get obsessed, all that shit. It’s validating but it feels unnecessary. I’d rather be liked for my whole self, bad parts included, but as it’s turning out it seems the bad parts are completely dealbreaker unlovable. So I hide all that. It’s a bad cycle. I can’t stop lying. I lie about EVERYTHING. Everything is a lie. I’m just so fucking good at it, why not?

I do feel empathy. Truly. But maybe not as easily as others. I struggle feeling guilt and remorse but I know what they feel like. I feel tremendous shame. And it’s hard to feel happy. I think I’m probably a narcissist after all and this is gonna collapse my entire self image. What do I do from here?? I don’t want to be like this. I genuinely care about people and want to be a good person. I thought these things I had were gifts and now they’re sickening me. Thanks

I am so insecure that recently I discovered that I am even afraid of chat Gpt judging me for my questions 😂😂😂 I know that it makes zero sense logically because it is artificial intelligence but sometimes it feels so human 😂😂😂

how to keep going knowing you are narcissistic / collapsed? i can’t even get out of bed the last few days. and i have actually contemplated suicide. i don’t eat in the day.

if i am just a false self and nothing what is worth if? if i am just defensive and a shell what is life? if i need and use others to validate my existence do i matter? if i cant emotionally empathize then what is my worth?

i need a reason to keep going or to know i can get better.

After reading here a while I noticed that there are many participants here who seem to be involved in queer/feminist spaces. And in my space there is a huge awareness for neurodiversity and mental health issues revolving around autism, ADHD, depression, anxiety and trauma as well as BPD.

Tho I never talked about my NPD except this one time with my friend who is queer and regularly visits queer meeting groups. They were very understanding and compassionate, BUT that was because they happen to stumble upon some YouTuber who apparently talks about BPD and NPD (don't remember the name tho).

For me this is a rare case, because usually people don't happen to find these kind of content, but rather the opposite: The anti-narc coaching circlejerk.

So, now to my question: How is awareness going in your spaces if you are also part of the queer/feminist community? Are you openly or partly openly talking about it? Do you get compassion and are you being understood? Or are there also stereotypes floating around?

I personally think that some of my peers could be open about that, but I'd be rather cautious about it.

This was the question

What causes someone to be extremely selfish? I know that in some cases, being selfish comes from abuse (depending on the person), but otherwise, why do some people only care about themselves?

This was one response that spoke to me

They don’t. Being about yourself alone with disregard for others is self-destructive, which means it’s not selfish (selfist/selfism would be the correct term). I personally see it as weak minded with little or no self-esteem/self-respect and therefore take it out on other people, whilst calling themselves “selfish” to hide that fact. This has absolutely nothing to do with caring for yourself, if they cared for themselves, they would treat people nice and get treated well in return (whilst putting themselves first, of course, otherwise, you’ll be directly self-destructive instead of indirectly, which we call altruism). It’s a fallacy to call them selfish.

Do I call myself "selfish" or "narcissistic" as a shield for being mean to others?

Every now and again, I have interactions with my parents where their words or behaviour bring real clarity as to how my pathological narcissism developed.

Last night, I made one of my duty-of-care catch-up calls with my Mum. I don't really want to talk to her, but--I think to myself--she lives on her own, she doesn't see many people, and she must be lonely.

Perhaps if my sense of obligation to make that call could speak, it might say:

"I need to support her and bring her the things that she needs."

An image comes to mind of my Mum in some giant bed or on a throne. She sits and waits for people to meet her emotional needs.

I am one of those people. In fact, I am the principle servant of this Queen Bee, bringing her emotional nectar.

This is how I was programmed as child: to believe that my Mum relies on me to meet her needs, and that I must put my needs aside and play the role of maintaining her ego.

...

Feelings of guilt and obligation have followed me all my life, as has the resentment that stems from that chronic self-subjugation and negation.

At the same time, I express none of this to my mother. Underlying this self-silencing is unprocessed fear.

It's a partly irrational fear-based-belief that my mother won't be able to cope with any disagreement or criticism, and that she is too fragile to regulate her own emotions. Diversions from my role as propping up her ego will lead her to lash out at me, and fall into self-loathing despair.

I say 'partly irrational' because there is evidence of this being true, based on my past experience with her. At the same time, it's not as if I am physically unable to open my mouth to disagree with her. It just remains shut because the fear is so strong. I wonder if I can ever break through.

Another image comes to mind. This time, she is not on a throne, but instead is running around in some explosive, sad, despairing agony. This image brings up feelings of sadness and sorrow for the tragedy of it all: this person - my mother - who also carried so much trauma and pain, but was not or will ever be able to have it properly processed, or have adult-like and mature self-regulation abilities to bring her the stability, calm and healthy self-confidence I wish she was able to know.

...

The call follows a rhythm I am now accustomed to, and yet naively hope that might be different this time. It rarely is.

The first part of the call is a conversational exchange where I share some things that have been happening in my life.

I am habitually selective as to what I share. I am half-consciously wary of offering anything of my life that she may hit upon and attack, so I hold back a considerable amount.

It's not as if I'm not telling her about taking drugs or my masturbation fantasies!

I'm largely not telling her the every day things: my tastes, my preferences, my opinions, my interests, my travels, my experiences, and any very minor issue I have.

When I do share these things, they are heavily critiqued, and I am told how I should think, feel or behave. I feel my personal boundaries being ignored and intruded upon. I feel controlled and pressurised to bend to her will.

While I do try to maintain my differences and personal boundaries through calm disagreement and restatement of what feels right for me, my mum does not give in.

After a short back and forth, the 'only option' feels to be to present a false agreement of her opinion to appease and placate her.

Here I perform the role of the subservient, pleasant son, propping up her ego and negating my identity and sense of self in her presence.

...

The second part of the call typically begins with me offering my mother time to share her updates.

"What have you been up to?"

• "Nothing."

"Well, you must have thoughts and opinions."

This leads to, not a conversation, but a monologue from a protagonist on stage: my mother, and her obliging audience: me.

These monologues can last 40, 50 minutes, compared to the 10 minutes or so before where I discuss things in my life.

The narratives here have some central themes: the ridiculousness of other people's behaviours, and my mother's obviously superior perspective.

There are also almost intolerable rants about politics, mostly centred around wars (currently in Ukraine, Gaza and elsewhere). My mum is obsessed with war. Through it she sells herself as a highly empathic, compassionate person.

Her language describing her knowledge of the latest news is really difficult to listen to: atrocities of this, slaughter of that, blood spilling here, whole nations of terrible people over there. Her tone is piercing. Her speech is fast and relentless. It is a gushing fountain of emotional charged words.

I find myself getting overwhelmed by it all. In the past i asked her to stop. She would react by attacking me for not being able to tolerate The Truth.

So I no longer disagree. I juet turn the volume down on my phone. This maintains that 'space for her' that I instinctively feel I 'should provide', while also offers me some relief and protection.

I sound a stream of utterances that I hope indicate that I'm listening and in agreement. At this point in the call, it is all about performing that role of the engaged audience member. Underneath that, I am actually highly distressed and desperate to get away, looking at the clock to see how much longer would be reasonable before I close things off.

...

In the last part of a typical call, I try to end our conversation in a way that again 'doesn't hurt her feelings'.

I find an excuse such as needing to make dinner.

Last night, in this final segment, my Mum offered something back to me before we departed. I know she knows that these rants are not what people want from her. I sense her embarrassment and shame.

She comes forward with a gift as a form of compensation for her shame. She offers me some glimpse of connection and appreciation:

"And thank you for sending those photos from your holiday."

And then immediately:

"Just one thing: can you not send any photos where you are pulling a stupid face. You never used to do that until you met [my partner]. You look awful. So please send photos where you look nice."

"OK, Mum. Sure." I am by now emotionally flat and almost unable to respond at all.

The call comes to a polite end.

Inside I am - and have been - suffering terribly. Really terribly.

Afterwards, I notice I flip rebelliously into a grandiose state in which I feel big, bold and antagonistic. I take a walk to my local supermarket. I feel like my presence is intimidating, and I like it. I have my baseball cap, my big coat, my chewing gum, my steely eyes, my sharp beard, my powerful, lean body.

Everyone look at me.

Everyone get out of my way.

Fuck you.

And Fuck You.

...

This morning I awoke and had terrible panic attacks. After they passed, I felt so sad. I slumped into a childlike depressive episode, and shed tears, feeling existentially fragile.

...

I want to just pick out aspects of the above encounter with my Mum that, as I said, to me point to the ways my own pathological narcissism developed.

I don't mean the standard DSM interpretation of NPD, but the - I think - much more relevant and accurate definition based on object relations theory:

an underlying narcissistic personality style, but with an inability to maintain a healthy, stable, mature self image, leading to the deployment of a range of other immature defences such as splitting, idealisation, projection, introjection and feelings of omnipotence, and consequent fluctuations between grandiose and vulnerable states and resultant identity diffusion.

That is NPD to me, and that is what I have experienced in my adult life, and continue to grapple with every day.

It has gotten a lot better! People complain about self-awareness, but it is a very helpful tool. I want to be more self-aware, not less, despite the challenges of 'knowing'.

...

That call last night made clear so many root causes of my disorder in my relationship with my mother:

• the misattunement between parent and child
• the child, learning that parts of the self are unwelcome by the parent and breaks connection, while others are permitted and sustains connection, also learns to split off and hide or show parts, or present a false identity to the parent
• unable to connect properly with the parent, and through a lack of mirroring from the parent, the child develops coping strategies of self idealisation and other-devaluation: the grandiose self. Big, bold and antagonistic.
• these grandiose states are not self-sustaining, and require feedback from others to prop them up. ("Everyone look at me. Everyone get out of my way.") They easily collapse into extreme vulnerability and existential crises (which I relate to my panic attacks and depression this morning).

...

I know these mechanisms are happening. But they still occur on an automatic and irrational level.

I wish I could break these patterns just like that. But it's complex and outside of my immediate ability, especially in these triggering situations.

I am trying with all my might to push through and make a more stable life for myself, more wellbeing, better connections.

I am spent through all this reflection. If anyone has anything that you think might help - insight or suggestions or just that you relate - I'd be grateful to hear back.

I have unfortunately concluded that being straightforward about my wants and needs gets me ... absolutely nothing!

I have made a point into my life to always be honest (which I pride myself with). To never play damsel in distress, to not guilt trip others and so on. So far, it seems that nobody actually reacts to it. Nobody stops at my slight annoyance, they only do when I burst into rage. Nobody seems to take my visible disappointment into consideration until I just reach desperation and simply burst crying. So, given these things ... What the fuck am I supposed to do, then???

The irony is that I find it very hard to cry in the presence of others. I have to actually "let" myself cry (I have been accused of having a tough exterior and my therapist suggested I show more vulerabilty), and when I do, I most often get accused of trying to manipulate. It's like I never actually just genuinely cry, it is always perceived as some sort of tactic. Still, it is the only thing I can do to sometimes make people stop hurting me or just collaborate to do something I enjoy.

I get really exhausted of getting to the point of crying in public and raging at people... But ... What the fuck am I otherwise supposed to do???

I don't even know if it's loneliness. It's a deep longing for warmth, light and inner peace but without the constraints and trivia of human relationships. Sometimes when I go to sleep I have a deep longing to cuddle but like nothing else because I seriously hate people. I've learnt that the longer I spent time with people the more I intended to sabotage, exploit and emotionally hurt them because I hate them with all my heart and want to see them suffer.

I've made the most progress when I was at my most aggressive, arrogant, domineering phase of my life. Returning to my high grandiosity minus the severe mistreatment of people is now my goal. I was my happiest, most confident, productive, and at my acme when I was the most narcissistic. That was two years ago when I was crushing all my recitations, reading all of the difficult works, working out simulataneously, and was obsessed with attaining intellectual success. Now that I have pulled my fangs and became more tolerable and civilized, I lost most of my drive, and ambition. I have to get back to that state again.

Just want to let this out there. I missed being socially, physically, and intellectually dominant. Never again will I try to reduce myself just to not intimidate people. Fuck that shit.

Hope I'm not the only one thinking about this.

I am unable to understand,I am a part of narcisstic family system.I was a child , who did everything to gain approval of mother. I became narcisstic in the process, my mom has always supported the abuser, rather than ones being abused. Few years ago , until recently I was the one getting protected. My sister was given the responsibility of looking after everyone and mostly me.I started becoming more and more self aware.

Then now the dynamics have changed now I am being sidelined and she's getting supported.

How am I supposed to leave my sister in my position. How to addressed this.. I feel torn apart and broken

i keep having mini collapses to which i feel super destabilized and unable to eat or drink, but can now see my vulnerable narcissism for what it is. i’ve had several moments of feeling but seem to revert back to closing off to not go off the rails.

— the desire to control all outcomes around me and how people view me

— splitting at any bit of criticism

— struggling to accept help

— fantasies of a perfect recovery

— having unrealistic standards for myself and others (unobtainable perfection)

i know i want to be a better person for myself and others. i have gradually admitted to my problems it’s just stopping ALL the defenses at once feels so hard.

like can i practice accepting criticism better but still struggle with validation seeking?

i’ve been able to check myself when i notice narcissistic or defensive thoughts coming up and pause which is cool.

like when someone offers me help i feel my blood go cold but thank them and contemplate letting them rather than splitting.

can it be a gradual process now that ive accepted this or do i have to stay in collapse to improve?

do i have to let go of the false self entirely or can it be gradual change?

Since I was a kid, people would say "That must be so hard" When they heard my parents were divorced or my mom killed herself. And yet, when I say that I would not want to live if i had hair loss, or weren't at the level of musical genius as the great composers, I feel like this triggers a certain sigh of cringe in people. For some people these things are 'bonuses' but for me they are oxygen - to be an object of beauty.

In sexual connection I seek to make love to myself and have the other person be a mirror to this lovable object. In creating music I seek to delve deeper into my own feelings rather than hear the perspectives of others.

Dostoevsky said hell is a place where there is no love. Well, I am almost there, because I only love my ideal reflection.

so for context i have pretty bad agoraphobia that started around the beginning of covid. i finished compulsory education online and as of now have maybe left the house 5-10 times in the last several months with most times being in the last two weeks. when i do leave the house i need to have someone familiar with me which right now is usually my abusive mother who gave me npd in the first place. being around her is awful for my mental health and honestly isn't too physically safe either.

my escape goal for years has been to leave the country i'm in right now and to move to this one specific country for university and i think it could be really good for a lot of aspects of my mental health (especially compared to the alternative option my family has decided i'll do of staying in my mom's house and never going outside until the end of time). i know theoretically how to work through agoraphobia (exposure therapy in small steps and all) but i fall flat at the first hurdle because my family are so unbelievably mocking of every attempt i try at getting there. we’re in the process of moving currently and one of the things i’ve been asking for is a walkable area so i can take my dog on walks (i can't do it in the area we're in now for a couple reasons that are pretty irrelevant to the subject of this post). immediately, it’s met by “oh i’d like to see you doing that.” i talk about one day taking the train by myself and it’s “you’re gonna take a train by yourself?” earlier today i brought up what have been my university plans for years and it’s “you’re gonna go in person to school in {the country i’m currently living in}.” (idk if this is just my narcissism or something, but it annoys me so bad that i’ve corrected them on what country i want to go to school in so many times and they still just don’t listen to me enough to get it right).

their mocking basically makes it impossible for me to even start challenging my agoraphobia because any bit of confidence i have is just immediately deflated. i almost want to start doing it out of spite at this point and i think i'll be able to tap into that eventually but i still need confidence to bridge the way there and i'm sure as hell not getting it from them. so how do i make myself self confident? my world view since i was seven has basically been "i am the most evil person who has ever existed and will ever exist and i don't deserve anything at all" and that's not exactly the easiest place to gain self confidence from. any steps towards getting better just lead to me panicking and taking so many steps back i end up in a worse place than where i started because if i was truly a good person and deserving of getting better then i would just accept my punishment of a miserable life as being what i deserve, but if i'm trying to get better then it shows i'm an awful person because i'm not letting myself suffer for being so horrible. i'd go to a therapist about this but therapists who are even just accepting patients onto a waitlist are pretty much nonexistent here and i don't even know if i'd be able to break down enough walls to open up about any of these things to a living breathing human, so the internet it is.

hi!! i have comorbid BPD and i always gaslight myself and be like “what if i don’t have narcissism and i just want to be special? i literally just tricked myself into saying i had a false self…” etc.. i wanted to see if anyone else did that or if this is just not a trait that we do😭it’s just the fact that i’m constantly comparing myself to other narcissists and i don’t think im a good enough narcissist to call myself a narcissist or i’m not good enough to fit the criteria… and so sometimes i find myself exaggerating narcissistic traits to make myself feel better but i don’t know.

I’ve been struggling with a topic that I can’t seem to get out of my head, but I’ve never really heard other narcissists talk about it. I often find myself wishing that something terrible would happen to me, or to someone close to me, in a way that would impact me. For example, that I would be abused, or that my mother would die or something like that, so that I would then be cared for and pitied and have a reason why I feel so bad. I feel incredibly awful because I know that wishing for something like that is wrong, and it’s completely inappropriate to those who have actually experienced such things. But unfortunately, I have these thoughts quite often. Can anyone relate to this?

I don’t know a better term for this, so I’ll go with this one. I used to think it’s love, but I started realizing it’s not (not only with romantic partners). It’s different. It’s so much fantasy, and in a weird way, it’s not about them but about myself. I think about them, and I think how great I must be in their eyes. I used to give in to these “obsessions” lured them in and love bomb them until I got bored and fixated on somebody else, but I kind of got into a new one, and this time it would be highly inappropriate to give in to this one. There has been one obsession 8 years ago that I couldn’t pursue, because it would have been inappropriate as well and it bugs me to this day. How do I stop this feeling? How can I not lure them in? And how do I prevent becoming limerent? Can you give me advice from your own experience?

Have a question about narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits? Welcome to the bi-weekly post for non-narcs to ask us anything! We’re here to help destigmatize the myths surrounding NPD and narcissism in general.

Some rules:

• Non narcs: please refrain from armchair diagnosing people in your life. * Only refer to them as NPD if they were actually diagnosed by an unbiased licensed professional (aka not your own therapist or an internet therapist that you think fits the description of the person you’re accusing of being a narcissist)*
• This is not a post for non-narcs or narcs to be abusive towards anyone. Please report any comments or questions that are not made in good faith.
• This is not a place to ask if your ex/mom/friend/boss/dog is a narcissist.
• This is not a place to ask if you yourself are a narcissist.

Thanks! Let’s all be civil and take some more baby steps towards fighting stigma and increasing awareness.

This thread will be locked after two weeks and you can find the new one by searching the sub via the “Ask a Narc” flair

~ invis ✨

My therapist highlighted something to me that I wanted to share:  

We have this chance, now as adults, to treat ourselves in ways that are different from how we were treated as children.

Our life can be one of reparation, of making repairs to the - rather broken and dysfunctional - template for life that was handed down to us.

I like that.

Tool kits at the ready.

...  

Our parents typically treated us badly, and modelled behaviours or perspectives that were dysfunctional or harmful.

They argued and fought in front of us instead of working through their problems through discussion.

They ignored and dismissed us instead of listening. They over-controlled and intruded upon our personal boundaries.

They were over-cautious and over-protective, instilling a sense of fear about the world and other people.

They over-glorified some of our attributes but rejected others. They treated us as trophies, scapegoats, and surrogate partners; as objects, not as whole, complex individuals.

Through their behaviours, they devalued us and modelled a treatment of others that was damaging.

We internalise this, so it becomes how we treat ourselves, others and our relationships.

...

As adults, however, we have the chance to do something different. We can treat our bodies and minds with care and compassion. We can listen to our bodies and look after them.  

We can treat others with respect. We can listen to them as best we can. We enter into conflicts with a resolve to maintain calm and consider different perspectives.  

Every time we do something like this, we are repairing that broken template we grew up with, and grew to understand as True and Good, but that turns out to be so harmful.

...  

For me, it's motivational to keep this idea of making a 'repair job' on my inner workings and relationship dynamics. It takes away the feeling that I'm fundamentally at fault for the way I treat myself and others. Instead, I can more easily see that it's all stemming from that dysfunctional template.  

But I can repair it. I can make repairs.  

...  

When I was a child, my mum was absolutely dismissive of any kind of health issue I had. She frequently ignored, invalidated, and belittled me when I went to her and told her I wasn't feeling well. She would go on to tell me that I didn't know anything about being ill, and that she had really known illness when ... blah blah blah ... insert story of how she was in bed for six weeks some time in the 1980s.  

This left me with a range of very dysfunctional behaviours around my health, including extreme health anxiety and panic, frequent existential crises, OCD, body dysmorphia, fear and avoidance of going to the doctor, and of anything being 'wrong' with me, and—at other times—pretty extreme over-control of health in the form of orthorexia, eating disorders centred around restriction, and over-exercising.  

...  

A couple of weeks back, I had a routine appointment with a pharmacist. They asked me—because of my age—if I wanted a blood pressure test. The results showed slightly elevated blood pressure. They suggested a 24-hour monitor taking readings every 30 minutes.  

That took place yesterday. I hated it. It brought up all my fears about having something 'wrong' with me and of people judging and treating me badly—with the same disdain and ridicule of my mum—if the results showed any physical ailments.  

In the middle of the night, I really wanted to pull the plug on that bloody machine. But I didn't.  

When I got the results this morning, they showed that my blood pressure was mostly OK to slightly high. But they also spotted a heart arrhythmia, or irregular heartbeat, that showed up in 20% of the readings.  

It's not certain that anything is wrong. More tests are needed, which I'm going to seek out as soon as possible. I also don't have any particular symptoms, so I'm not really worried.  

Rather, I feet a real care for myself, for my little heart. I'm going to listen to what it is saying and take it seriously.

... 

I've long had a suspicion that something might be up with my heart. It tends to go wild when I eat high-carb foods or drink wine. So I cut back on those years ago. People around me—my mum and my partner—have always been dismissive of my hunch that something wasn't right and that these foods were making it worse.  

So many arguments about me not wanting to eat pasta because it kept me up at night with a pounding heart.  

Today, I have my chart that shows evidence that I might be right.  

I'm not going to shove it in their faces (though a part of me wants to). Instead, I'm going to quietly seek out further tests and any treatments prescribed by doctors.  

...  

I am the adult here. It's me in charge now. My mum was so dismissive of my health concerns, and I attracted a partner who has similar tendencies, unfortunately.  

But it's my body.  

It's my little heart.  

Maybe nothing is wrong, but I feel emboldened to take really good care of it, the way it should have been cared for as a child.  

My little heart, beating away quietly—maybe with a cute hiccup now and then when you're stressed. We're going to help you out, little fella.

...

I want to repair the relationship I have with my body. I want to repair the broken template I was given for how to respond to my body and feelings of being unwell.

Not with inner criticism. Not with ignorance or avoidance.

Instead, I am taking my little body by the hand, to figure this out together.