Rules:

Sometimes I feel good when something bad happens to someone else. Like if I observe a fender bender, I feel happy that the people involved in it have had their day (and their car) ruined, while I can keep on driving past them and get on with my day. In a way, I feel better than them because it didn't happen to me.

I know it isn't right to feel this way, but it's almost like I get a sense of supply from others' misfortune.

I'm starting to think that all my positive views are really about borderlines with NPD traits. You guys are a cold as ice, you really are narcissists aren't you.... at least now I know that I'm not.

Literally have known someone platonically for 2 days, have had minimal conversation, and I’ve projected this huge fantasy onto them and am day dreaming about the perfect future we would have together. I don’t even know if he’s single for god’s sake. I’ve spent 16 hours total with this person in a professional setting and am stuck sitting 4 feet away from him for the foreseeable future so I wish I would stop! Like he’s not secretly obsessed with me I’m the one showing his work photo to my friends and trying to see him from my desk through the reflection of my computer screen. And he’s not getting turned on every time I walk past and he smells my perfume. But I’m fantasizing that he is.

Why can’t I just see someone and think they’re attractive and leave it at that. Why do I have to go overboard.

It’s not even just that he’s cute it’s that he’s super smart plus seems really submissive and sweet which in combo is like my fucking kryptonite. It makes me want to pounce.

I’m going to talk to my therapist about it tomorrow idk if anyone here relates

Hey, just like the title says, I think I made the wrong decision by wanting to change. I’m at this point where, after months of breaking patterns and trying to be a better person, I feel soft and vulnerable. Any advice? It’d be a shame to go back to square one.

Growing up I always had a push pull between my narcissism and who I want to be.

However, I would find a healthy medium where I could direct it to healthy habbits and I feel I am back there.

Sometimes my ego gets tempted and wants to put other narcs in their place if they attack me.

I just feel conflicted, I used to want to get rid of this part of me but working with it has made me better in every aspect of my life and I feel it gives me an edge others do not have.

Does anybody have any thoughts?

How do you get threw them? Dated for 3 years and she mentioned breakup and tonight is likely the night. I am so scared of being alone. I’m almost positive I’ll try and kill myself. It happened before when I thought we would and I was ready too. I didn’t have hesitations , I knew if I can’t have her I’d rather be dead. All I do is ruin relationships and manipulate everyone. No one knows how much of an asshole I am they just know how stressed I make them. If I’m gone the stress leaves. I can finally free them. They’ll be sad for a bit but in the end they’ll live better and they’ll eventually see that. People say don’t do it it gets better , but it doesn’t. This is a disease and it does not get better this isn’t the same as normal depression.

Everything feels meaningless, even supply. I got nothing better to do with my time and I have all my material needs met. I don’t care about anything and am pretty much waiting to kill time until I spirit off this boring fucking planet.

How do y’all entertain yourselves?

People are so predictable and boring. Fuck.

I'm different from a normal personality. People treat me so well, but I'm always overwhelmed by "something" that is excessive over the normal line. And the "something" is labeled with kind of emotion like shame, resentment, etc, depending on the situation. I think this is the cause of preventing the normal way of relationship.

When I want to be pretending good thing in my delusion, I shouted toward me like "Don't forget you're different from others, eventually It isn't accepted even though you try hard " and then I started to think I don't deserve to live in the world because the way I exist is so different from other people's. I don't have any true emotions but there is just wrong energy of false self which always ends up destroying everything sorrounding me. When I recognize the fact in reality of NPD, I feel scared of me. I feel that I can't live this way anymore. Asking about the ontology of someone with NPD and answering it, is so painful and even scary.

What is better relationgship in healing process? All I have in my head is running away from the group I belong to or being isolated somewhere. (I'm in a very elevated state right now, so please understand if my post feels a little bad.)

I'm diagnosed NPD, avoidant personality disorder, OCD and major depressive disorder ricurrent type.

I've been in therapy since I'm 21yo and now am 35. I've spent a lot of money in theraphy and medications. Unfortunately I've been hospitalized twice and generally I'm not doing well. I'm on an antidrepressant, an antipsychotic, a mood stabilizer and xanax.

I'm aware I have quite a few of issues but I'm starting to feel quite discouraged in therapy. I've done psychodynamic, CBT and now I'm doing a metacognitive interpersonal theraphy which is aimed on treating Narcissistic personality disorder. I don't really see any difference between it and the standard CBT. I'm having a lot of patience, spending a lot of money and mental resources. Also the sessions are only 45minutes which is not enough at all in order, atleast for me, to feel heard and explain the many issue I experience daily. Perhaps I'm more low functioning than most NPD here since I've been hospitalised twice this year.

I want to feel better and at peace and serene ( I know being ""happy"" is out of reach). I'm doing my best. I just don't feel getting out more is useful for me. I don't care about meeting people. I don't care doing volountering in a shelter. Still I'm doing my homework and doing task. I've been warned this would be a slow process for recovery. I'm still waiting for the slightest improvement. Fed up and tired. I'm also struggling with side effects of my medications and while I don't feel hopeless and suicidal I kind of accepted my life will be this way. Just monotonous, repetitive and empty. Luckily I'm privileged and I don't have to work and own a home thanks to my parents who are very patient and understanding people. I just wish to feel better, more peace and loved. No grand dreams, just peace.

Can anyone relate to not having a plan for the future/knowing where your life is heading in the near and mid-term future?

Hey dolls!

It's been a while since I interacted here, I dunno why. But I've gained back my grandiosity after receiving my first university abroad acceptance.

Anywho~

NPD is of course very misunderstood, one of the issues being the symptom list, which mostly covers grandiosity. But also people, even professionals, don't get how these symptoms present. Exhibit A: Manipulation

NPD is considered one of the "evil illnesses", abuse is considered inherent to the disease. This is of course false. Abuse is correlated with all mental illness. It is a choice to hurt but being hurt yourself makes it far more easy to justify your actions. But I'm not allowed to say that cuz "cluster of evil".

What even is manipulation? Simply put, it is the action of influencing/convincing someone or having control over a situation. That's it. Take.it like this, a child is refusing to do their homework. The parent gets them to do it by saying that it will help them do well at school and doing well at school guarantees a great future. The parent has convinced their child do something and they got control over a situation. IE, they just manipulated their kid. Is that parent evil, bad, abusive?

I do understand the evil association. While not inherent to the act, being unscrupulous or uncaring of morality can be a part of manipulation. So perhaps we could rename that symptom to persuasive or influensive.

Why We Manipulate

Given my own mother is a pathological liar, I've been interested in just what exactly they are, outside therapy speak.

To them, lying is a comfort, better than telling the truth. Even when the truth is more beneficial. Lying is unconscious, something that must be done.

I think that's a lot like us, manipulation comes to us like breathing, second nature, and just like breathing, we don't think, we just do. Manipulation is our preferred way of going through life. Everyone manipulates but not as much as us.

Like pathological lying, being manipulative is common amongst trauma/abuse survivors, not just the "machiavellian cluster". It's funny to browse r/CPTSD and hear them go "wait a minute, people pleasing is a form of manipulation?!??!" Yes it is doll. You subconsciously want to avoid trauma so you manipulate to your own benefit. For abuse victims, manipulation is a skill you learn to survive.

I think a core feeling of NPD is loss of control, so it's easy to see why we like to do it. But it ain't make you a monster. You were almost certainly called bossy as a child or told that you'd make a good lawyer (or salesman). The first is a mild imsult and the latter is a literal compliment lmao.

Self Awareness and Brigaders

A little while back at the psych ward, I wanted to play cards or dominoes cuz that place is mega boring and I was sedated on strong drugs. I had plaited this girl's hair, partly to be nice, partly to have something to do. I wanted her to play, she refused so without thinking I said "I did your hair, can't you pay back the favour?" Immediately, I stopped myself and thought that what I did was bad. So hey, I can assure myself to some form of self awareness.

What inspired this was some ableist brigaders trying to claim that all pwNPD are abusers. I admitted to being manipulative and out come the vultures and their unfounded accusations. I brought in facts and sound arguments but nothing would stop their awful behaviour. A shockingly sympathetic professional came in and confirmed that manipulation is indeed a neutral. Bad manipulation from me looks like that incident above, not whatever your abusers did fo y'all. The only times I can think of going outside that realm of morality is with my abusive parents but fuck them. My safety and wellbeing is more important.

So, yeah. Bye.

The route of NPD is shame or not feeling good enough, causing our defences to create a false self to tolerate insufferable feelings we don’t want to address. But in my healing attempts I get stuck at the shame level. I feel into it, I listen to it, I tell myself it isn’t the truth of who I am, but it doesn’t transform or ‘heal’.

All that happens is my false self will show up and suddenly I’m the best thing since sliced bread. Only to later that day fall back into the pit of shame (which feels like me) just a wounded fucked up whiny child that is in a perpetual state of unrealistic expectations, attention seeking, sulking, controlling shit show.

Ok so listen to that part of yourself, you give it the love & attention it needs like your parents should have… But there isn’t anyone else in there? The only other thing inside is a created one in my imagination which is false again? Like there isn’t anything else, unless you create it. Isn’t that just gaslighting yourself? Not living in reality?

I admire some of you guys on here who share stories of healing and it really does give me hope, but is it just the false self creeping in through the back door again?

Maybe we have to accept that that’s just how it is, cope, survive it.

I now sit here projecting an idealised ‘healed self’ where I feel joy again, connection again, but am then swiftly reminded that that’s all it is, another projection to a destination that doesn’t exist.

Please tell me where I’m going wrong, is my logic way out of sorts? Am I missing something? 🙏🏼

Has anyone done this and know why they did in hindsight? I (27M) recently broke up with my gf (30F) and we still live together until spring. I thought i’d be more relieved but it’s almost like i’m expected to just change my mind and get back with her.

We’ve been together almost 6 years, and I feel like I knew for awhile that this won’t work and I should just drop it. I even moved away to a new city and let her back in thinking it would be different, healthier because we got our shit together.

Hint: I did and she didn’t, so now i’m almost a sugar daddy and that basically killed the whole thing. I suspect she has NPD, BPD, or is quietly autistic. Her actions just don’t make sense or line up with what she says. Yet, if i call her out on it, it’s like she’s aware that she did something wrong but she doesn’t know why she did it.

Now I look back at all the ways I let myself be manipulated, all the times I should’ve just used the umpteenth out, unaware of people pleasing yet aware that this situation is burning me out and putting me against myself.

I don’t want to say I used her because I really don’t stand to gain anything from her, but I thought she was someone that help me have a stable life. Yet, all my problems emotionally, mentally, and financially are partially due to the dysfunction and lies I let in my life. I’m lost and feel like I discarded someone that I probably never wanted in the first place but took 6yrs to do it, and now I feel everything. Did I pity her and want to figure her out? I feel like we’re both victims but the blood is on my hands because all i had to do was remove myself.

I wanted to be there for her and she helped me, but i feel like we’re both going to be traumatized by this.

Raised by a narcissist, now I find many of her traits within myself. I'm like a black hole of attention-seeking. I need validation and praise so badly that I'm willing to lie and manipulate people to get it. Accepting this about myself has been so difficult. I always put up the persona of a helpful, kind young man. But it turns out all of that was a mask. I was so deep in my lie that even I believed it.

Because if I really think about it, I only feel logical empathy for people. I don't feel what they feel. I only know how I'm supposed to react.

I don't really care about people as much as I say I do. I don't feel too sad when family members die. But I mimic how I know a "regular" person should feel. Meanwhile, if there's a problem in MY life I can cry about it for days.

I am overly concerned with my own emotions, but often don't consider other people's.

My self-esteem is awful. I'm constantly competing in my head with other people, especially for attention and admiration.

Uncovering all of this has inspired grief within me. I'm not a good person. So what's the point? If all I do is stress people out, why stay alive? It's making me feel hopeless. I know there are some success stories out there, but in all honesty I'm tired. Deeply tired.

I noticed at work and in general i feel like someone is watching and talking about me near constantly — like I am going to found out. I know where this comes from trauma wise, but I don’t know how to stop it. I can tell myself “you’re an adult and aren’t in trouble” - but my body is still tense and I feel like I am scanning constantly. Anyone else?

So over the past few months, he’s been really sneaky about getting me a ring that he won’t tell me what it’s for just that he got one.

We’ve been together on and off for the past seven years. It will be eight soon, what if he does it in a public place and I’m nervous and I say no, what if I discarded him again after we get in engaged which I haven’t thought about discarding him in a long time, but he’s always been there for me and he understands why I discard him.

He loves me the way I am, he’s the closest person to me and I do love him in the ways I know how. I’m just been thinking about how awful I am as a person and how good he is, how much I envy him. He’s stuck by my side ever since I’ve got my diagnoses, he takes really good care of me, even though I haven’t lived near him in years. I see him every couple of months, I see him this month. He said that I’d understand why he got me a ring when I come out there, obviously he’s not gonna propose over the phone and I know that he’s gonna propose because my ex friend told me.

There’s so many ways that can go wrong and I don’t want to be vulnerable, what if we get engaged and he realizes he hates me? He’s never hated me, we’ve talked about it before and every time he did somebody else he realizes how much he loves me and only me during my discards. When I was with my ex of last year, the one I posted about genuinely harming I told my partner that I’m still in love with him.

So we stopped talking at that point when my ex left me we started talking again and flirting, went right back to where we left off. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a person but at the same time, I know I don’t deserve it. I feel like because my love is conditional. I don’t deserve to be loved, especially not by something who loves me so unconditionally.

The more I type this out, the more I realize that my idealized version of self is something he sees, just because he loves me and I’m probably another paragraph away from a collapse.

I like the supply from speedrunning tinder 99+ likes. But I always get into the habit of matching with people just to lead them on. It’s fun for the first day maybe but I get sooooo tired and bored. I go out on 1 date and now it’s endless texts and “let me pick a nickname for you.”

I just don’t feel anything anymore and I knew this would happen too. At this point I might just be asexual because I only enjoy other people for the purpose of self pleasure. Attracted until they make themselves fully available which happens within the same day basically. Lonely but I don’t want friends. Or maybe I want friends but I don’t want to have to care about their problems. Idk

hi! ive only recently realized in therapy my npd symptoms, so im still trying to find ways to cope. my worst by far are the preoccupations with fantasies of success and greatness. i am an aspiring artist and writer, but i get so in my head fantasizing about being great that, when i try to practice, i get upset and shameful that im not meeting my own standards. does anyone have strategies to help skirt the shame? do i just have to push through? thanks in advance :3

"Pathological narcissism", as a correlate of the borderline in addition to all borderline symptoms, displays the "pathological", "big" Ego. Therefore, there is a weak Ego regressing to the primary forms of thinking and primary defence mechanisms and establishing a pathological relationship towards objects, but all these weaknesses are "compensated" for with the "big Ego", a pathological construct which, in place of the "normal" Ego, performs the function of integration. Let us begin with a diagnosis or, to be more precise, a phenomenological description of "pathological Narcissus":

– Upon first contact, PN appears more adjusted to the environment than the borderline subject; he "functions" well and sometimes even "distinguishes" himself, or dominates his surroundings. Nevertheless, we soon come across a contradiction: PN despises and exploits people, seeing in them nothing more than a tool for his own affirmation. At the same time, he is completely dependent on their acknowledgement and admiration, and exists only because of the reputation which he enjoys among his fellow human beings. He distinguishes himself socially, playing the role of a powerful, cynical, efficient and witty individual without superfluous illusions; at the same time, the slightest derision or some other social "failure" drives him to a state of traumatic depression. The Hegelian dialectic of recognition is here brought to its opposite: the "master" is a slave to the recognition of his slave and constantly anxiously observes the effect his complacency has on the slave. The slightest sign that the slave has seen through him, that he is secretly laughing at him, can bring him down. Unlike the traditional master, who "thinks that he is recognised for the master since he already is a master as it is", PN is the paradox of a reflected master who knows that his position is secured only by the recognition of other people. For this reason, he subordinates everything to his public "appearance". This basic contradiction is the source of other PN features:

– A complete inability to empathise: PN can never really "enter the other", "feel" with him, experience him in terms of "personality depth" or subjectivity abyss. All people in his surroundings fall into one of the following three categories:

(1) The ideal other, those from whom he expects narcissistic recognition and who, in PN's subjective economy, function as an extension of his own "big Ego" (as a rule, these are powerful, influential and famous individuals);

(2) "enemies" or "conspirators" who represent a threat to his narcissistic affirmation;

(3) the rest, the "crowd", "puppets", suckers who exist only to be used and abandoned. Even when PN develops an attachment to the ideal other, the relationship is not particularly deep and can easily be broken or demoted to the level of the "crowd" (if the ideal other experiences failure) or the "enemy" (if the ideal other humiliates PN's narcissism or ignores him). Relationships are easily broken and established anew; the ideal other today is the "enemy" tomorrow because Narcissus cannot establish a relationship with the other at the subjective level.

Evidently, PN takes the availability of other people for granted and finds it completely natural that people should be treated ruthlessly and used for his own narcissistic pleasure. For this reason, PN often gives the impression of profound indifference, coldness and selfishness, hidden behind a mask of brilliance. Narcissus attempts to charm and seduce us; he astonishes with eloquence, enthusiasm and sexiness. Nevertheless, behind it all, a cruel and selfish mind can be sensed. As long as he expects narcissistic gain from us, he is full of enthusiasm, but once "we are no longer of any interest" to him, his incredible charm immediately turns into complete indifference.

– It is evident from the above that PN is incapable of forming a sincere attachment to another person, and of depending on him or her in terms of commitment, obligation, engagement, trust and dedication. PN is a slave to his "success" in the eyes of other people. He depends on their recognition, but this kind of dependence cannot be mistaken for trust in and dedication to the other. Narcissus wants to take advantage of the other, gain as much narcissistic profit from him or her, and even when he greatly admires the other, he does that exclusively for narcissistic reasons. For this reason, he always preserves a fundamental mistrust in people; he is pathologically afraid of being excessively dependent on them, of opening up "too much" and becoming too attached to them. Therefore, in sexuality, he prefers short-term "cold" relationships which do not represent an excessive "emotional burden" and which "allow him to breathe".

I have to be the best. Because you can’t replace the best. it’s the best or nothing and nothing isn’t an option. So every action I take towards another person has to be me at my best or it means nothing, do we understand? My mask is falling and I need to superglue it back on. Because the more it falls off the more abandoned I become. In order to not be completely alone I need my mask. I was an actual fool to let it down for a while and expect people to associate with me the same. I was an idiot. I need to be my best self, and never at my mask slip even a crack ever again.

Funny because I wanted love so bad before - but it turns out I’m incapable of it right?

Because who am I? A loved one said “you’re still the same person” but I’m not. Am I even a person? I don’t feel real when I go to bed and am alone.

I don’t want to be a narcissist. I want to view narcissism as a cancer that lives in me that I can work at reducing through treatment. But this is a disorder of the fucking self. Out of everything this is what I got blessed with. I could’ve been a normal person. Little me was cute, full of life, never aggressive and very passive and kind. I had the chance.

if it’s a personality disorder is it all of you?.

Not to be dark, but I could realistically see myself ending my life when I lose my support system - which is coming soon because of ages.

Also I thought I had stuff to add to the world before with my creativity and ( previous ) bubbly personality, humor - but I clearly don’t because most of it is self serving. I thought I had a purpose. I reached some of those goals and was happy before finding out about who I actually am. I still enjoy art but I’m an attention seeking whore when it comes to it.

And what’s funny is I do have people who love me in my life, but 1. beats me - what do I give them? I’m a leech. 2. I struggle to give that unconditional love in return because I hold so much burried rage and resentment.

Anyone see all their flaws and things and people they hurt after the collapse and it was too late? Did you go to apologize to everyone or do anything in the attempt to repent?

Sucks that only in the end did I see all the wrong and grandiosity. Pretty sad actually.

I've just started practicing it, and the effects it's had on me are so profound, I am committing myself to doing it every day. Maybe multiple times a day, when time allows.

It seems simple. In a sense, it is simple. But don't let the simplicity of it cause you to undermine how powerful it can be.

While doing it, I discovered something in myself that I feel like was buried under my fragile ego, my resentments, my selfishness, my defenses, my beef with the world, my apathy, my everything.

I discovered goodwill. Goodwill that I had long thought was dead.

A sense of wanting peace, love, and happiness for everyone-- including the people that have hurt me, the people who have abandoned me, the people who I am in conflict with, the people who I fear, the people who I resent, the people who I envy, everyone.

A sense of goodwill for the world.

I cried. I cry almost every time I do it. Afterwards, I feel more aligned with myself, more at ease, and like I have more insight into who I want to be and how I want to show up in the world.

Give it a try.

since narcs have a false self and absence of identity, do you experience likes and dislikes and preferences

also emotions?

I don't want to date someone who is way below me. But at the same time I feel extremely uncomfortable if I have relationships or if I live at an age where people are way above me. I hate the mediocrity of people around me, but I can't live in NYC, São Paulo or any kind of Berlin because I can't compete with them. I hate this thing. Anyone relate to this?

At the risk of patronizing (and hopefully aiding some of) you, here's some ways I resisted developing full on NPD as a Narc:

1: Focus on what you want to experience, have or feel more than your image. This sounds like the thing normal people do, and there's no shame in thinking you want some normal traits.

2: Sometimes, you just have to build on your life without a goal or motivation. You don't want to end up like an emotionally unstable psychopath

• Make friends and partners like a regular person by slowly fighting anxiety, and try not to make it part of a specific goal.
• Work and job and learn skills without the goal of becoming ultra-successful In that domain.

3: (my personal favorite) Avoid thinking that narcissistic traits are bad because they hurt you or other people, but instead think that they're bad because you have devolved to the point where you resorted to terrible defensive mechanisms

Take narcissistic rage for example: it's painful, it's pointless and even leaves you vulnerable to sadists. Your security should be built and maintained through something like the advice above, calmly and strategically. Scour your conscience and see how you can built protection.

4: Never be emotionally vulnerable to anyone. That's not to say that you should never feel emotional on your own, but there is no scenario where anyone (including friends, family, coworkers, partner or stranger) deserves to know about how your most primal systems are functioning.

5: Do not be afraid to feign emotions you find contemptuous (I'm looking at you, empathy). Not only is it useful to engage in socially cohesive behaviors, but you don't even truly need to help anyone. You're doing it for gain and normalcy.

All the previous points have worked very well for me throughout the last decade, and I have some more that I haven't tried yet.

Let me know if you have any questions, I'll make sure to answer as much as I can!