I'm a clumsy person on account of having a few different physical disabilities (none of which are super detrimental, I just walk with a cane most of the time) but I tend to drop things, stumble into doorways/people, and fall down pretty regularly. A specific situation of this happening was at my work christmas party. My boss got everyone presents, mine being a set of very nice drinking glasses. When I tried to set them down, I completely missed the table and it landed on the floor(thankfully didn't shatter) but it was very loud. Everyone went silent until my boss started clapping, and everyone else joined in, effectively making a joke out of me. I'm happy with just hating my boss ever since that incident, but I was wondering if anyone had some helpful tips to not feel so shitty about these types of situations?

I always win

Nothing. Just curious about this.

In this thread you can ask questions to narcissists, if you know you don't have a cluster B personality disorder yourself (If you try to post instead, it will be removed, only narcissists, borderliners, histrionics and sociopaths can post).

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This thread runs from Monday 7AM to Thursday 7PM PST and then again from Thursday 7PM to Monday 7AM PST.

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Make sure you read this before making a comment in this thread:

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[What Happens When We Decide Everyone Else Is a Narcissist](https://www.newyorker.com/culture/jia-tolentino/what-happens-when-we-decide-everyone-else-is-a-narcissist)

​

It'll take maybe 15 minutes of your time, but it's time well spent, especially if you identify with the abuse victim community, since it fills in the background from the abuse victim community in an unbiased way.

Be a friend.

---

I’ve always had a tormented relationship with my birthday. When I was in my twenties, I needed every one to be a multiday, expensive, extraordinary celebration. Inevitably, I would be disappointed at some point (when my partner’s attention momentarily strayed, when I didn’t feel special enough, when I didn’t receive a thoughtful ‘enough’ gift) and resort to sulking. I was an emotionally stunted, ungrateful diva.

As I crept into my thirties, birthdays took on a much more somber quality: one of existential dread. Every February 2nd now stands as a stark reminder of all my lost dreams and opportunities, of my march toward annihilation. (Vanity, too, plays a minor role).

I am conventionally successful, I suppose; I have a prestigious career with very high earning potential, two loving relationships, and a best friend who means the world to me. I should be grateful, but my persistent sense of entitlement pushes away any possibility of contentment.

I am so dissatisfied with nearly every aspect of my life.

I am shattered by the thought that I should have accomplished so much more with my life by this point, having been primed since birth to become a wunderkind. I am wracked with envy for those who've already 'made it.'

I think:

I should be famous by now.

I should be making a Big Impact on the world by now.

I should be, at the very least, a better adult.

I feel:

Emotionally stunted, still - so much younger than my chronological age.

Ashamed of my ‘wasted’ existence.

Ashamed of my puer eternus complex.

A pervasive sense of despair: was I never, in fact, destined for greatness? That just can’t be so. I don’t know how to survive without a grandiose ideal to strive toward; I don’t want to be alive if it means just being ordinary. What is the fucking point?

I’m curious to hear from other pwNPD about your relationship with your birthday and aging in general. 

Fuck this. 

Pandaemonium (PM) is a low moderated server that is inclusive to every mental illness with plenty of interesting characters, fun bots, "interesting conversations" and more, most rules are not enforced and most bans are not permanent including mutes and time outs, and we would love it if you joined. This server is 100% NSFW enjoy your stay and have fun.

https://discord.gg/rPXRQgBz

2/1/25, 11 am - 12:30 pm EST, on Zoom

Click here to get the link/be added to the main group chat.

Topic: In what ways have you used indirect/manipulative communication to get your needs met? How do we communicate our needs more healthily? What stops us from doing so? 

What this support group is:

A confidential space for people struggling with pathological narcissism/NPD to find destigmatized information, seek and offer support, and practice unmasked vulnerability among others who get it.

See link for additional information/community guidelines. Feel free to DM with any questions/suggestions for future topics.

Hi, I’m the host of a polyfragmented DID system and we have a partner who also struggles with a type of DID as well. Both of us have BPD, NPD, as well as severe PTSD and whatnot from our separate childhood experiences, not to mention we are both autistic although they have ADHD + OCD as well and I believe I only have OCD and AVPD. I explain this just for context, though my BPD and NPD as well as memory issues are probably what hurts us both the worst. I have severe, and I mean I wake up every morning and don’t know who I am, where I am, etc until I’m suddenly gifted the memories by my gatekeeper (if any of y’all know terms) and they’re always missing.

Through tons upon tons of research I’ve found we (as in the system in general…but many people don’t understand plurality so I will refer to us as ‘I’ from now on) are a covert narcissist. For many months I’ve realized that I am, in fact, a narcissist But I never truly, actually realized it until today, when my partner exploded on me suddenly about how I give my attention to others. For context; we are in a queerplatonic relationship though some of our system members are in romantic relationships while others are not. We (as in my system) don’t entirely understand the concept of romantic / platonic affection nor the differences. We feel that we have to give all of our friends equal treatment even with a partner since we don’t want anyone to feel less valued. I only realized today that your partner is supposed to get 100% of your affections vs the 80% you give to everyone. It sounds terrible, but we grew up in a household completely shielded from everyone and are a survivor of religious RAMCOA and cultist sexual, physical, mental abuse since age 2-7, which was then continued through our mother. The concept of true love, empathy, and trust is not there for any of us. Our mother is a severe narcissist and shows very clear sociopathic tendencies, that chooses not to care about what she does to us nor how it affects us as long as it benefits her. Every friend we ever had was kept at an extreme distant and taken away from us or we were made to think they were bad for trying to take us from her, and we cut the ties ourself.

This person is the first person in our life that has ever stayed here with us, protected us physically, emotionally, mentally, medically even because our physical health (nerve damage, seizures, paralysis, etc from an unknown condition atm) has been severely dwindling. We’re both 18 and homeless, because of our current healthy we can barely work and I’m waiting for a referral to GI to get a diagnosis so we can get medical benefits and disability. Our partner lives with us at our father’s house who only recently we’ve been able to meet after many years. We were separated from him most of our life since he protected us from our mother but wasn’t financially stable. She destroyed his credit score and divorced him, scammed him with child support and medical bills (for us), etc. He’s tried to get us a car but it’s broken now, and my partner is doing their absolute best while being told that they’re an abuser by the abusers of MY family, which is hurting them on their path to recovery. I’ve done my best to stand up for them but the fear of being hurt holds me back, only until recently when I now stand up for them.

The reason I’m posting this is because I desperately need advice on how to heal myself and my entire system. We’re separated by heavily amnesia and while we can communicate to one another usually, we have persecutors that actively self harm as a coping skill and it’s leaked into the main fronters as well. We cannot afford a therapist right now, we already have an $18k broken car we haven’t even had a few weeks and already is completely dead until we can fix it, two phone bills, two cats, one of which is pregnant and due soon, I’m slowly (and quickly compared to how it should be) going paralyzed and my partner has IBD, which has also been getting more severe and stressful for them. They are demonized by the abusers of my family and it is so detrimental to their healing process, which in turn makes me feel so much guilt because I cannot control it. We are partially aware of our behaviors and how it hurts our partner but getting the ability to feel it and TRULY put it into action is the hardest. We feel so so so many emotions and so much love, and it’s so hard to know right from wrong when you’ve been told how to do things and what to do your entire life and now all of it was wrong and you know nothing else…and have to teach yourself. We’ve hurt this person so many times and I want to fix it. I want to do better. We all do. Getting there is the hardest part and REMEMBERING too. We have talks almost every day about small things. The inside on our mind thinks that their claims are stupid and we don’t understand why they’re upset because we talk to our friends equally as much. To US it feels normal because we’ve never known any different. It’s not as if we haven’t experienced the pain they have, it’s just so hard to remember it which makes it even harder to empathize and remember that to continue to. On top of ‘that’s stupid, why do their opinions matter’, and then I realize I think that way and burst into tears because I care so much for them but such thoughts make us all question if we truly do or if we’re only here for their affections. This is someone we all agreed to marry, someone we love with all of our heart, yet we question if we truly know what the meaning of ‘love’ even is. Our partner made us feel this way with trust as well since we quickly realized our idea of trust is dedicating our entire soul and self to them no matter what and everything they do is correct, No matter what. Which comes from RAMCOA trauma.

Realizing that all I know is completely false and wrong has been shattering. And now I’m ready to pick up the pieces. This person matters more to me than anyone and regardless if my emotions feel grey-scaled, I want to fix it. Please, if anyone can help us at all, even if it’s just a pinch of advice, I’m begging for help. While I wait I’ll also be doing my own research. Please ask any questions needed….

Would be encouraging to hear any improvements you've made on your narcissistic traits since recognizing them, or, if you aren't focused on that at the moment, just general improvements.

In this thread you can ask questions to narcissists, if you know you don't have a cluster B personality disorder yourself (If you try to post instead, it will be removed, only narcissists, borderliners, histrionics and sociopaths can post).

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This thread runs from Monday 7AM to Thursday 7PM PST and then again from Thursday 7PM to Monday 7AM PST.

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Make sure you read this before making a comment in this thread:

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[What Happens When We Decide Everyone Else Is a Narcissist](https://www.newyorker.com/culture/jia-tolentino/what-happens-when-we-decide-everyone-else-is-a-narcissist)

​

It'll take maybe 15 minutes of your time, but it's time well spent, especially if you identify with the abuse victim community, since it fills in the background from the abuse victim community in an unbiased way.

Hi everyone. Just realized this a couple days ago. In severe pain and i need support. I need to change this.

I found one group but it costs money. Cant afford it right now. Seeking a group or community i can join.

Open to paid groups is the cost isnt so high.

Hope to hear from you. Ty

I recently read "The House of my Mother" by Shari Franke and felt very touched by her simple and spot-on descriptions of manipulation. That includes a) how her mother and JH manipulated the family with their own distorted minds, claiming that others were in fact the ones with said distortions and how only they were able to see the actual truth. Shari describes how she goes from being a confident girl that trusted her own instincts to a girl with excruciating self-hatred and doubts. It also includes b) how she was groomed by this guy from church, who not only abused her but also manipulated her into thinking that it was very nice of him to do her such favors.

I am now looking for more books like this where I can find similarities to things I have experienced, especially gaslighting, manipulation, sexual abuse disguised as "education" and projection that resulted in a dependent relationship with another person where one of the two completely abandons their own intuitions and confidence. Nonfiction, but also novels are extremely welcome. (I am currently reading "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft already.)

I want people to be near me and like me and praise me, but when people get too close, I feel like shit. I think about all the ways in which I'm not worthy of them, and I feel better when they're at arm's length. I also refuse to admit my worst faults to them. does this sound like your lived experience or is that social anxiety lol

EDIT: you know, I don't care if it's for the sake of ego, sincere, or a little of both. this sub is nicer than some of the others I've visited. I haven't been insulted once.

In this thread you can ask questions to narcissists, if you know you don't have a cluster B personality disorder yourself (If you try to post instead, it will be removed, only narcissists, borderliners, histrionics and sociopaths can post).

​

This thread runs from Monday 7AM to Thursday 7PM PST and then again from Thursday 7PM to Monday 7AM PST.

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If you're asking a question on Sunday or Thursday, feel free to resubmit your comment when the thread refreshes, so that more people will see it.

​

Make sure you read this before making a comment in this thread:

​

[What Happens When We Decide Everyone Else Is a Narcissist](https://www.newyorker.com/culture/jia-tolentino/what-happens-when-we-decide-everyone-else-is-a-narcissist)

​

It'll take maybe 15 minutes of your time, but it's time well spent, especially if you identify with the abuse victim community, since it fills in the background from the abuse victim community in an unbiased way.

I am not diagnosed but I fit all the criteria. I am 18, male. I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused, and neglected by my dad (diagnosed with ASPD and NPD in prison- serving life imprisonment for rape and murder). I have a history of assault, theft, arson, burglary, trespassing, fare evasion, drug and alcohol misuse from the age of 8, but I only have 1 warning for theft, with no actual record. I was an animal abuser as well for a while, because I enjoy the control and had a scientific curiosity about the inside of insects, but I quit this because I get bored easily of things. I quit this behaviour not because of remorse, but because I want to be successful when I am older. I am highly intelligent and successful, and studying Law at a russell group university. I have a string of relationships with both boys and girls (I am bisexual and predominantly attracted to men) from the age of 10 and I have cheated before. Currently dating an 18 year old man. I have impulsive spending and drinking habits. I have an extensive charisma and facade of brilliance, helpfulness, benevolence and confidence. I have slandered people by calling them pedophiles before. I do not take accountability for my behaviour, but can feign remorse to teachers, and I am often stone cold towards my family (I live with my Mother, sister and brother (both younger)), and have no emotional empathy. I tell lies to get things I want frequently. I am perfectly happy with who I am, but I suspect I am a narcissistic psychopath for years now, and would appreciate any cluster Bs talking here about me and my mind.

NPI score: 36

Codependancy: 2

OCD score: 0

I have a clinical diagnosis of a personality accentuation towards covert narcissism. My therapists explained to me that they wouldn't diagnose a full blown disorder due to my age. Not that I asked for it. It felt like an attack, as if they were saying that all my progress through the teenage years just made me a huge hypocrite. I know that that's not what it is, but I don't feel like the diagnosis makes me now question every 'good deed' I do, makes me stop believing in my own good intentions.

I do kind of curse a lot, but I only use curse words which I deem clean, for example 'bastard' or 'idiot'. I hate using more graphic cursewords, I definitely can use those words but it makes me feel really uncomfortable.

I am self righteous, even though I often repress my desire to act on my vengeful urges. If I feel unjustly antagonized or just disrespected I often feel my anger burn up in me really intensely, when that happens I usually stiffen up, though I'm not sure it's noticeable to the outside. I just wait till it's passed and I can go away. Sometimes I try to talk about it later, make sure I'm treated differently in the future. I used to be able to do that pretty consistently while in therapy.

I don't think I can turn off my empathy, but I can certainly forget it. I often try to focus on being empathetic, and when I actually try I always succeed. At least I think so. I think it helps me understand how other people tick, without stopping me from keeping up my friendlyness when I'm just going around. For example, I was eating out with a large group of acquaintances last week, and I'm pretty sure that at least two people in that group were miserable most of the time there. But because I had some good food and my own problems I really didn't care. Though I did look for opportunities to show I actually cared. I think that if I got one of those, I might have noticed that I do care for real. But I also fear that I might be seen as insensitive or ignorant, so that could also be a driving factor to why I do pay attention to what others feel. I just don't feel with them when I'm not trying to.

My NPI score is 29

My codependency score is 10. But, since I've already had extensive talks with multiple therapists over the last few months and even years I doubt that codependency would have gone unnoticed

OCD score is 2

1/25/25, 11 am - 12:30 pm EST, on Zoom

Click here to get the link/be added to the main group chat.

Topic: In what ways are you controlling and/or perfectionistic? What does control or perfectionism do for us? How can we become more comfortable with things being out of control/not exactly our way?

What this support group is:

A confidential space for people struggling with pathological narcissism/NPD to find destigmatized information, seek and offer support, and practice unmasked vulnerability among others who get it.

See link for additional information/community guidelines. Feel free to DM with any questions/suggestions for future topics.

What does this mean for me? 🫣 so confused

I feel like I'm beginning to get a sense of where my version of the superiority / inferiority complex comes from IE the unmet emotional needs and insecurities. It's of course far from healed but it at least feels like it's a work in progress.

But entitlement? Starting to recognize it but no idea where it comes from or the way out.

I'm in a situation currently where I have to choose between two options and it feels wildly unfair and like I'm being punished - Even though on an intellectual level I understand it's just bad luck. Two completely unrelated groups set their schedules for their own individual reasons. I want to participate in both groups but there's a scheduling conflict.

I've been trying to work through this and come do a decision for over a week and I'm super frustrated...

This morning it seems like all the people that are trying to help me are just not coming at it the right way because they're not understanding how me being narcissistic is impacting my inability to make a choice.

My best guess right now is that I feel entitled to get everything I want. I feel entitled to doing both groups if I want to and like the whole world should change to make sure I get what I want. And also like I'll be an utter failure if I don't get everything and totally unlovable.

Obviously intellectually I understand this is nuts but emotionally, I don't know the way out of this. I don't understand where it's coming from or what sort of psychological need this coping mechanism might be trying to fill.

Not sure if this makes sense. Maybe I'm completely off base. Just thought I'd give it a shot and see if anybody here has thoughts.

In this thread you can ask questions to narcissists, if you know you don't have a cluster B personality disorder yourself (If you try to post instead, it will be removed, only narcissists, borderliners, histrionics and sociopaths can post).

​

This thread runs from Monday 7AM to Thursday 7PM PST and then again from Thursday 7PM to Monday 7AM PST.

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If you're asking a question on Sunday or Thursday, feel free to resubmit your comment when the thread refreshes, so that more people will see it.

​

Make sure you read this before making a comment in this thread:

​

[What Happens When We Decide Everyone Else Is a Narcissist](https://www.newyorker.com/culture/jia-tolentino/what-happens-when-we-decide-everyone-else-is-a-narcissist)

​

It'll take maybe 15 minutes of your time, but it's time well spent, especially if you identify with the abuse victim community, since it fills in the background from the abuse victim community in an unbiased way.

I used to think that this diagnosis would doom me to a life alone, with toxic relationships sprinkled in. But this past year, I've started to meet some new people that have more or less accepted me for who I am, which has given me some hope.

In spite of being quite a narcissistic fuck many times, I try to do the right thing. In a way this is a strategic decision to make my life easier, but I also, paradoxically to how cold and malicious I can be, I am very sensitive to guilt. The same malice and righteousness I have against people is directed at myself if I see myself doing something really bad.

Narcissism is just a heuristic anyway, so I don't even know how useful it is to even frame it in that way as I go through life. Many of the implications of being "narcissistic" don't seem to apply to me, even if a majority do. I think it's easy to box yourself in to the word "Narcissist", and somehow accept all its connotations and implications in a way that is counterproductive and self-limiting.

At the end of the day, it is just an inclination to act in a certain way and do certain things, but you always choose what you actually end up doing. Some of it is about your emotional make-up, which is the hard part to change, but if you can't do much about it, what's the point of thinking about it all the time?

Therapists do a terrible job with this. They incentivize you to think about this shit over and over, to the point where it occupies way more of your mental real estate than it needs to, making you feel like you're way more troubled and dysfunctional than you actually are.

Anyway, switching out of the therapy loop and actually going out and trying to make connections has made me realize that this shit isn't the psychological death-sentence that it is hyperbolized as.

I’ve done so much bad and it’s all because I hate myself. I hurt her so many times that I’ve realized that every boundary she set, I broke it because of persistent nagging. I didn’t even see it as that until I’m scrolling through TikTok and all these narcissist videos keep popping up.

There was a period where we broke up and got back together and in a situation where she was vulnerable with me, I snapped on her not taking everything into account and hyperfocusing on what made me feel hurt instead. I said mean things to her, I made her have performance anxiety in front of me, & for the first time, I really do see it.

It’s not just going in one ear and out the other, I am actively seeing it & I don’t want to perpetuate this cycle anymore. I’m never upset when she’s with friends or when she talks about our relationship but I realize that I never made her wins feel like wins, only small steps that shouldn’t be celebrated.

I’ve done nice things for her, pay for trips, most of our food, buy her things I thought she would like but I realize that there’s one thing she constantly never felt, included. I would take trips without her, often because she was never able to come, but she expressed sadness one day where I told her I was traveling again and she felt as if she was being left behind even though she couldn’t come. I should’ve planned more adventures with her. I should have taken her more places. I should have been better and if I could’ve just seen how things were for what they were, I could’ve changed so much sooner.

I am bad, I see that I’m bad, and I want to change, what do I do?

Age: 25 NPI: 30 Codependency: 17 OCD: Very Likely

Whatever the reason, I love lovvvvvvvve having eyeballs on me, massive attention whore and I'm starting to really think I might be trans not just for attention but like actually.

The problem ? How to know if what I'm feeling is true or to get attention. Plus, I barely know who the fuck I am. Plus plus, its the worst time to be trans they might get "cleaned" soon lol Ffs this sucks.

This occurred many years ago. We were both 26. I constantly re-visit this moment in an attempt to understand what this means as I have never experienced anything like this before or since.

My Ex was a severe Malignant Narcissist. Diagnosed as such but did not utilize medication or engage in counseling. As a Malignant Narcissist he did not experience emotions as the normal human being would. No remorse, no guilt, no empathy or real love, joy and kindness. However he did MIMIC these emotions when he felt he needed to portray a sense of normality in front of people including his family and myself, mostly doing so in an attempt to manipulate said bystanders to get what he wanted from them.

The emotions he did express that I could see were genuine were malice, anger and violence. In the 2.5 years we were in a relationship he never cried once, he never apologised to the people he damaged, he was never sad or even lonely despite not having 1 friend.

The night in question his mother was standing in the kitchen and him and myself were seated on the sofa. The phone rang in the evening and his mother answered with a hello. She went quiet for a brief second and looked at my Ex and yelled " Your cousin Joseph" just killed himself!!!"

Here is where I witnessed such a bizarre reaction that I have been searching for some answer as to what this was.

My Ex turned so quickly and looked at me directly in my face and his eyes were wide and bulging. He had absolutely NO expression on his face. He opened his mouth wide and there was a 2 second delay before he made this loud strange noise that came from his throat. The only way I can describe it is that it sounded like someone squeezed a clown horn 1 time. Or even similar to a car horn.

This sound was so disturbing to me that I'm certain the expression on my face read shock and confusion. I was so disturbed. by this. He looked away and I excused myself to the porch so him and his mom could have some privacy.

But instead of talking with his Mom, he followed me into the porch and when I asked him if he wanted some space he laughed and said no. He seemed totally uninterested in the topic all together, bored even. He completely ignored the bizarre clown noise he made. He had no emotions or grief about it, in fact he said he didn't even care about the suicide at all.

I'm aware how malignant narcissists operate and I do think he was caught off guard by the phone call which gave him no time to plan a proper reaction for appearance sake. But what happened here? What was the noise? Why did this occur?

In this thread you can ask questions to narcissists, if you know you don't have a cluster B personality disorder yourself (If you try to post instead, it will be removed, only narcissists, borderliners, histrionics and sociopaths can post).

​

This thread runs from Monday 7AM to Thursday 7PM PST and then again from Thursday 7PM to Monday 7AM PST.

​

If you're asking a question on Sunday or Thursday, feel free to resubmit your comment when the thread refreshes, so that more people will see it.

​

Make sure you read this before making a comment in this thread:

​

[What Happens When We Decide Everyone Else Is a Narcissist](https://www.newyorker.com/culture/jia-tolentino/what-happens-when-we-decide-everyone-else-is-a-narcissist)

​

It'll take maybe 15 minutes of your time, but it's time well spent, especially if you identify with the abuse victim community, since it fills in the background from the abuse victim community in an unbiased way.

As far as I know, a literal psychopath cannot have psychopathy and NPD comorbidly. Am I mistaken or am I correct?

In this thread you can ask questions to narcissists, if you know you don't have a cluster B personality disorder yourself (If you try to post instead, it will be removed, only narcissists, borderliners, histrionics and sociopaths can post).

​

This thread runs from Monday 7AM to Thursday 7PM PST and then again from Thursday 7PM to Monday 7AM PST.

​

If you're asking a question on Sunday or Thursday, feel free to resubmit your comment when the thread refreshes, so that more people will see it.

​

Make sure you read this before making a comment in this thread:

​

[What Happens When We Decide Everyone Else Is a Narcissist](https://www.newyorker.com/culture/jia-tolentino/what-happens-when-we-decide-everyone-else-is-a-narcissist)

​

It'll take maybe 15 minutes of your time, but it's time well spent, especially if you identify with the abuse victim community, since it fills in the background from the abuse victim community in an unbiased way.

I hate you for putting me in an environment where my narcissism prospered and made me a horrible person even though I never wanted to hurt anyone. Life would have been so much better if I wasn't a narcissist. Narcissism has made it difficult for me to have a healthy outlook on life. I get insecure when someone performs better than me at something I love doing, I always have a hard time celebrating my friend's success, I ruined a great friendship of 12 years of mine because of that, everyday is a battle for me. I love and hate myself at the same time. I want to be the center of attention all the time. I want people to succeed but not more than me. On top of that I have OCD since I was 7 years old. At last I want to say, F*ck you for doing this to me.