I have moved up to the second size of my 5 pink dilators. It feels nothing like what I feel with the clitoris. Using the dilators I feel pain, friction, or nothing(like it’s just sliding in and out but with grip, sorry if it’s tmi). I use lube and it helps a little bit.

Overall I don’t feel any pleasure from anything being inside me. Is this normal? I’m thinking maybe when I move up to bigger sizes maybe it will feel better, and maybe the small sizes don’t reach my g spot. But so far it feels like pain or it feels like nothing.

Will it ever feel good?

Sorry, long post. I was able to have frequent painless sex between the ages of 18 and 21. Then one day - and this is going to sound crazy - I discovered the ability to give myself something akin to a mini seizure. I tried it during sex and my then-partner loved it. But I've had vaginismus ever since and I've never regained that ability.

This was 21 years ago. I didn't try to treat it because:

a) I found the idea of using spacers so repellent that I didn't think they could work, since relaxation and arousal would be required. I had to use a tampon once (got caught short) and It Was Not Fun.

b) I had sex very infrequently in the years that followed. The only exception was in 2015-6, but my then-partner and I discovered that lube worked.

Smear tests were painful, but tolerable. But last summer's caused me to bleed copiously. And I now find myself in an amazing relationship in which I experience plentiful arousal, but even my partner's finger hurts. I finally bought some spacers, thinking I could probably use them with him around. The smallest goes in fine, but when I insert the second and third? It feels like they hit a corner, which causes agony, but once they've rounded it, they feel fine. But obviously the agony causes additional contraction, so when I try to have sex with my partner, it causes HIM too much pain to continue.

So my questions are:

1. Any idea if this is a specific physical problem? (It's not an STD.) Or is it something I might be able to resolve with continued use of spacers?

2. Could this be psychological?

See, I'm cupiosexual i.e. I want to have sex, but NOT because I experience sexual desire. I want to do it so I can act out my love by being as close to my partner as physically possible; I want the ritual; I want to make him happy; and I regard sex as part of the rich multi-faceted existence I crave. But I don't have any need or urge for it. I frequently have the natural instinctive wish to hold and kiss my partner, but everything else feels optional.

It took me an aeon to figure out that wanting to have sex isn't the same as sexual desire (I didn't hear the term cupiosexual until afterwards). And physical arousal isn't the same as sexual desire either. But I finally figured it out last year and although it was a massive relief - my entire life suddenly made so much sense! - that's when the problems started. I feel like although I want to HAVE DONE it with him and will want to keep doing it with him, the actual process is going to be uncomfortable and no more rewarding than kissing him (which is hugely rewarding). I don't have any conscious fear about doing it, but are my low expectations creating an additional problem?

(I don't believe I can start feeling sexual desire, by the way, since I never have. That would be like asking a gay man to desire women.)

I am technically a virgin. I’ve never had full PIV. Is it possible that is the cause of my vaginismus? I am not afraid, but only of the pain. When the P goes inside, I feel a bit of skin just before it needs to go fully inside. Then I push him away. I think I just need to have intercourse once fully then my V will widen and I’ll be able to have PIV. It wouldn’t go in at all before, then once he pushed, and then it started going in a little bit. Basically my V widened.

What do ya’ll think?

I used to be able to insert tampons and mg partner fingered me without pain. But I had a very traumatic attempt at a Pap smear last year where they couldn’t get the speculum in because I was so anxious. It was extremely painful. I successfully got a pap at a different doctor later that year with 2 mg of Ativan, but it still hurt a lot. I also had a painful ultrasound. I haven’t been able to insert tampons after that, and it hurt to insert a cotton swab for an STI test. I think I’ve developed a fear of penetration and it causes pain now. Is this possible?

Was dilating today and when j would try move the dilator in, there were spots along the way which upon touching the dilator felt so.... like a pinch or needles or like tender. Is this normal? I tried to lightly press on those areas. Also when I took the dilator out there was blood on it.

I’m starting on a journey to get to the point that I can have comfortable PIV intercourse and would like insight from anyone that might have similar experience. Most threads I see have to do with vaginismus or septate/imperforate/microperforate/cribiform hymen, none of which apply to me. I’m having trouble finding information on this specific topic, which is a rigid hymen. I know that this community is for people with caginusmus, but is seems that some users also have hymen issues, and I am hoping that they can help.

I’m a 34-year-old woman who’s recently been diagnosed by my gynecologist with a rigid hymen. She indicated that I do not have vaginismus. She said that I might tear if I tried to have PIV now, or I would probably tear if I got pregnant and gave birth.

I’ve also never attempted PIV intercourse. My hymen and vagina look normal. However, my hymen is very inflexible and hurts to stretch. I have always been able to insert one finger all the way up my vaginal canal, and I also regularly use tampons. I only found out that I had a problem recently when I tried to use a vibrator for the first time and couldn’t put it in. I did some self-exploration afterward. I found that I was unable to insert two fingers easily. I used some lidocaine to numb the area and was able to get two fingertips in with some difficulty, and it felt like a thin string was tightly wrapped around my fingers. When I removed my fingers after several minutes, there was a thin indentation on the skin of my fingers in the spot that was being constricted.

I did some research and thought my problem might be a tight hymen rather than vaginismus. So I bought a set of dilators and have been practicing with them. So far, I’ve been able to progress to the third size, which is 0.92 inches wide. I’ve also gotten to the point that I can put in two fingers easily.

When I use the dilators, I feel tightness and pain only in the hymen at the vaginal opening. I can insert the dilators all the way up my vagina without any tightness or discomfort in the vaginal canal. The only tightness or pain I feel is at the vaginal opening.

My gynecologist said that I could get a surgical procedure called a hymenectomy. The only concern with getting surgery is that it would leave scar tissue, and I’m not sure that’s worth the trade-off. The other option she gave me is pelvic floor therapy. She also encouraged me to continue practicing with my dilators. I have not started the pelvic floor therapy yet, but I hope to get scheduled soon. I hope that I can solve this problem naturally through therapy rather than surgery.

Does anyone here have experience with having a rigid or tight hymen? And what did you do to fix it? For those who have gotten a hymenectomy for a rigid hymen, is the scar tissue noticeable, and has it caused any problems? Has pelvic floor therapy and/or dilation helped anyone with a rigid hymen?

ive been sexually active for years but just recently started having problems with penetration. at first i thought it was a cut inside bc it was painful/ burning, but after it went in fully we were able to start doing full strokes. i had recently got a yeast infection and my period so i took a break from sex a good two weeks thinking it will help wtv was going on internally, but i was wrong. this time it was hurting towards the back and wasnt going away. we were able to put it all in one time but it wasn’t pleasurable as much. i feel myself clenching but don’t know how to not clench no matter how much i want it. it frustrating bc i was able to have sex just fine till about a month ago. i can also feel e v e r y t h i n g when he thrusts. is it psychological from it hurting that one time and knowing it’s gonna hurt again? and what could help??

Somewhat of a vent here…But does anyone else have a partner that seems to be in denial about your vaginismus? I’m like 99% sure that I have vaginismus but my husband still believes that I just need to “Get my hormones checked out” by a general doctor. Apparently an OB/GYN doctor will only look at my vagina and he doesn’t think that’s where the problem is.

I had never had PIV sex until my wedding night, when it instantly didn’t work, and it’s now a year later and we have still never been able to get more than an inch or two in with excruciating pain.

I started doing dilator exercises pretty diligently a couple months ago and I’ve made a lot of progress. But now he’s telling me that I should just quit the dilator training altogether…he believes that it’s making my brain associate sex with being a chore and that the dilator training is making me psych myself out.

It’s incredibly frustrating for me. I don’t understand his perspective or his reasoning at all. HELPPPP

I’ve never had sex, but I have used sex toys and I can’t really move or grind without pain/discomfort. I naturally roll my hips when I’m aroused but I basically have to be a statue and stick to a classic in and out motion rather than angles or positions that may make feel tighter (like entering from doggy or on top).

I worry about being an active participant in PIV sex if all I can do is lay there in one position (missionary), feel him up, and kiss him. And while I haven’t been diagnosed with vaginismus, I suspect I have it and my gynecologist appointment is in July.

But basically when you do have sex, can you actively roll your hips, squeeze, ride, grind, etc. without pain? Have you had to work up to that point or have you even gotten there at all?

I'm being certified as a lifeguard shortly, and it will very likely fall while I'm on my period. I've never been able to successfully insert a tampon and there are no makeup days so there's not much I can do, Is there a best/least painful way I can go about using them?

Hey, people! I'm 22 and last month I learned that I have vaginismus. My doctor told me to do finger exercises but when I tried to insert my finger before knowing i had vaginismus (so like 2 or 3 years ago) there was a stinging pain and I left it there. Never tried again, I was afraid of the pain. After the diagnosis I tried again and managed to instert half of my pinky in there after so many tries. I felt so brave and used my middle finger eventually but i have really small hands so that wasn't enough for having sex. Well, I decided to buy a dilator set. There are 4 sizes, biggest one is 13.5 cm/3 cm. After 3 days I managed to use third one pretty easily. It's been almost a month and I still can't fit the last size. One time i inserted maybe like 2 cm in there but there was a wall and couldn't go further. And I think around 2 cm dilator is a little serrated. I think that's a manufacturing defect but I can't buy a new one right now. By the way before inserting the dilator I relax my vagina and strain(?) -i don't know if this is the right word but imagine you're doing kegel excersise and not pulling in but pushing out. im talking about that feeling. So vagina entrance will be more apart that way-. That helped me a lot. I still do it, it makes instering dilators a lot easier. In my mind, if I can't use the last dilator I can't have sex. So when I try it with my boyfriend I feel so tense, like it was gonna hurt so much. He's really understanding and not pushing me to do it but I want to get rid of this feeling. I really don't know who to talk, so when I see this subreddit I wanted to write it down. Maybe someone can help me. Thank you in advance :)

I have had PiV successfully for the past 4 years but now only have sex 2-4 times a month (because of life issues) , sometimes less. I felt cured, even though it still hurt, because i enjoyed it and was able to orgasm.

I tried inserting a small dilator and it was VERY uncomfortable but it still went in. Then, i moved on to a slightly bigger size and it just felt “stuck” and was very painful. I tried to push through and it just made me more tense.

It has been almost a month of no sex, so I was trying to masturbate WITH penetration, and it just felt so unnatural and difficult. I know i was in the mood, and had a mirror for guidance, but it quickly vanished and i was left feeling defeated and like I’m regressing.

I’m kind of feeling sorry for myself and pathetic. I’m feeling defective, as i’m not even able to penetrate myself with a small dilator. Still sexually frustrated af and absolutely no desire to even try. Have any of you had issues with failures like this after successfully enjoying PIV? I need some encouragement.

Transvaginal ultrasound or pap smear?

I'm so proud of myself for being able to get a transvaginal scan. I was freaking out and when she was about to put it in I asked if I could do it myself. That made me a lot less tense. When she was moving around it hurt and at first I jumped and madr a sound and she apologized. I tried to relax and was able to make it through the rest with minimal pain.

Now the thing is I've never gotten a pap smear and I'm petrified!! If I could handle this can I handle a pap smear?

Share your success stories whether it is as simple as getting a tampon in or as great as having as having a successful PIV . I need hope.

Hi all, 21 here, diagnosed with moderate to severe primary vaginismus last fall. I use Intimate Rose dilators and I'm on number 3/4 (sometimes I have to go between). Hasn't felt nice but at least I can get things in there. I've also been able to use tampons for my last two periods!

I've also had a boyfriend for two years and he's been with me since before my diagnosis. He tries to be gentle when we try anything, but he's very stiff and awkward and he can be a little bit of a brute. He's also always really wanted to finger me, and I want him to as well, but nothing has been pleasurable yet.

He's able to get one or two of his fingers in but he seems to never have the right angle, even when I physically guide his fingers in. It certainly gets frustrating for me. I find with my dilators, I have to be laying flat on my back (every other position is uncomfortable or painful) and point it down a little bit, closer to my butt if that makes sense. I've explained it to him but he's just very clumsy and not good at working with his hands😅

One thing I struggle with is his size. He's not very tall but he has HUGE hands with super thick fingers, like a bear. His penis is average (or slightly above average?) length, but is super thick and not tapered at the end at all so I'm definitely not ready to try PIV again yet. I would like to practice taking his fingers as often as I can.

I dilate probably three or four times a week when he doesn't come over to my house. I have to use TONS of lube so I'm a little bit dependent on it which worries me a bit, but we always put a towel down. His fingers are definitely longer than Intimate Rose size four, but one is only about three quarters or half of the width. I don't find taking things deeper than I'm used to is a problem, but the thickness and the stretch bothers me a lot. So I can definitely manage one finger and I've dealt with two. I have no way of knowing currently, but I'd say I'm likely a bit more of a deeper girlie (I'm pretty tall, but I have no idea if height correlates to vaginal length whatsoever lol so that's just a guess. I dilate completely unaroused and I can fit the size four all the way in with no problems😙)

I told him that whenever he comes over going forward, if I'm not on my period, I want him to try fingering me. I don't really know if getting used to his fingers will result in me being able to derive any pleasure from it. I know I'm capable of feeling pleasure from it because in the past he brushed up against my G spit a couple of times and I liked it, but I find the pain and discomfort to be a bit too much for me to find pleasure. Another issue is that he doesn't make me super horny all the time which I know is a key component in achieving PIV with your partner so I'm worried about that, but I think it's a separate issue. I'm still able to get moderately aroused, but not to the point that I'm dying for it. Even with porn, audios, erotic fiction, etc- I've tried everything and I think vaginismus and PT has just sucked all the libido right out of me.

So I guess what I want to know is, is there any chance that it'll get more pleasurable for me to be fingered, like people say about PIV on here? Has anybody found fingering to gradually hurt less and less? Do you have issues with certain finger angles and speeds and positions? Does your partner have to be really good at it? So many questions😅

and I am back again 😂

So I have been using my slim vibrator a bit more and I am ok with inserting it 2-3 inches into me.

Any deeper though and I panic a bit, I can sense a tighter knot deeper inside my vag.

Is this normal? Does it take more practice to get more length in?

Don’t get me wrong I am so so proud of being able to let things enter and sometimes derive pleasure from it too… but I hope it won’t be too uphill a climb to get more length in?

Hi everyone!

Can’t believe I get to report that I have just successfully inserted my first tampon! Suck on that vaginismus! Genuinely wanted to bawl my eyes out, I’ve never been able to use a tampon ever!! It’s crazy and I just want to celebrate! 🥳

Hi all, I was recently diagnosed with Vaginismus about 6 months ago. At that point in time I didn’t have a sexual partner, and had only had PIV once (barely) because of pain. I’ve now been able to masturbate without pain, but now I have a new partner. We’ve tried PIV once, even with foreplay, oral, and spit/saliva as lubricant it’s still so painful. Granted he is a big guy, but still. I feel defeated. I feel bad for him, and I’m frustrated with myself. He tells me he can feel my body tense up, which makes him feel good but leaves me in excruciating pain. Does anyone here have tips for easing pain during sex? Will it get better over time? What can I do about this condition! I want to have a healthy sex life, but it feels impossible. TIA

Hey everyone, I've been on and off dilating to help with my vaginismus. My set comes with 4 dilators of increasing size. I am able to dilate with the 1st and 2nd size, but when it comes to the 3rd one, it feels like it physically does not fit inside me. Like I can't even push in any further at the entrance. I feel silly but is this feeling just in my head? And will this go away with practice? Or could there actually be anything there in the way causing it to not fit?

For reference I have the Femmax Dilators with the following measurements:

No.1 dilator 35mm diameter (circumference 120mm); insertable length 110mm

No.2 dilator 27mm diameter (circumference 100mm); insertable length 110mm

No.3 dilator 20 mm diameter (circumference 80mm); insertable length 107mm

No.4 dilator 15mm diameter (circumference 60mm);, insertable length 103mm

(Dilators feature a very slight taper; circumferences measured at point approx 10mm from base)

Hi all,

I was wondering what the smallest available dilator is? I got the silicone rose or whatever brand from Amazon but can’t even insert the smallest of them in (neither can I insert a tampon). Wondering if there might be a way to start with something really really teeny?

Thanks!!

I noticed recently, I had a tiny bit of blood on the tip of my dilator. I was not expecting my menstrual cycle. I’m on a really large size and thought it was a micro tear. Should I be concerned? And then Today as I was dilating, (this time I’m 3 days out from the start of my menstrual cycle) I noticed the light blood again. But obviously maybe it’s just my period early? Would dilating induce my cycle?

Yesterday I had some steamy moment with my husband and in the heat of the moment i got really brave. Normally PIV never crosses my mind while being intimate, my brain just shuts it out and focuses on the fun things I can do. But in therapy my therapist suggested, that I should try PIV. He meant it like "You haven't tried it for years, maybe it's working, you never know". He said that because I really struggle with dilators and never have motivation to do it. Maybe theres a difference to a "real life penis".

So yesterday I thought "Fuck it" and we tried to insert my husbands penis. When I managed half of the tip, I felt that I was getting exited and a little bit shocked because of the progress and I suddenly tensed up. I felt a little pain before but we took it slowly but after I tensed up, I couldn`t relax my pelvic floow and we stopped our experiment. I am very proud of myself for trying it and having a little bit of penis inside of me, but I`m thinking a lot about relaxing my pelvic floor. Does any of you have some tips how I can train it? Like some Youtube-Tutorials or other online treatsments, because I am from germany and my doctors never said something about physical therapy or going to a osteopath

Thank you for your advice!

I have moderate to severe diagnosis, diagnosed by my PT. I haven’t had a drive for 6 months. Zero sensation down there. Will dilation help? I just really need to see hope.

For context, I am F(23) and bisexual.

I’ve suspected I have vaginismus for a few years now and it solidified this in my mind with my ex boyfriend when we weren’t able to have PIV sex or even insert a finger. Since then, I haven’t even tried to insert anything during sex even within my happy relationship of 2 years (WLW).

A few months ago, I went to get my first pap smear and it was traumatizing - it took 30 minutes to complete because I kept stopping it from the pain and discomfort. I was so embarrassed I couldn’t have a “normal” experience.

My OBGYN recommended sex therapy and dilation tools but I simply do not want to even try. My current relationship has existed within the framework of me not being able to have penetrative sex and they’ve been very supportive and understanding. Despite this, I still feel like there’s pressure to “fix” it but I don’t want to since it sounds like a lot of work requiring time and pain.

Please tell me I’m not the only one just living life with this possible condition.

Hi I (18) am nearly 2 years into my relationship with my boyfriend (19) We have technically had sex (very painful sex whilst on my period as that’s the only time my vagina seems to be big enough) but every time we try it is SO painful and he can’t really comprehend it. Even if he just puts one finger in it is super painful and uncomfortable for me

It upsets me a lot because i’m quite young and all my friends have boyfriends and talk about sex a lot and i can’t really relate, it also feels like we have gone backwards, he used to be able to put more than one finger in and occasionally we could have a couple minutes of him thrusting before i give up in pain. However now we can’t get it in at all and im becoming less and less horny when i’m around him.

BACKGROUND INFO ABOUT INTIMACY ANXIETY So when i was 13-16 i had an on and off difficult to explain relationship with a different boy who i never not once actually kissed. I had such bad overwhelming fear of doing it i could not bring myself to at all and what i came to realize was that it was because i was so self conscious of doing it wrong that i couldn’t. I kiss my boyfriend now even though im well aware that i don’t kiss him correctly (my teeth stay literally clamped shut to the point they ache and i just move my lips abit and let him kiss me pretty much) he doesn’t mind and makes me feel comfortable enough to kiss him which did take a couple months before i decided i could kiss him.

I also have a real big problem with letting him see me while we are doing stuff, literally anything the covers have to be over my vagina and bum so he’s never properly seen it. I get that’s also self conscious problems but im working on that

but i think all in all it’s just my brain is so worried all the time it ends up tightening my pelvic floor muscles and stops me from being able to put anything in there and especially since we have tried a BUNCH of times it’s gotten worse due to me knowing how bad it hurts.

any advice is really really appreciated thanks for reading

I may have dilated too close to the sun, I woke up with lower abdominal pain similar to period cramps, just point-ier..? I guess the silver lining is reverse keagles help with the pain

he wants to meet up. I have told him about my condition, he said that sex in general would hurt a few times in the beginning, but later it would be alright (I have only had PIV twice before, both times it hurt so bad: it was like trying to break into a brick wall). I am so afraid of what is going to happen and the pain I am going to feel, that I have just left him without a response for now. I have missed out on so many opportunities and experiences like this before in the past just because of this fear of mine :(

What do I do? How will I ever get over this? I just want to have some fun for once.

I always try so so hard to avoid crushing on people because it forces me to think about this condition. I can just ignore it when I'm on my own and not interested in someone else being in my life romantically.

Started being interested in someone and I'm just spiralling about how if anything ever came of it I'd have to end up telling them about this and dealing with everything that comes with that and eurgh

First time poster with a kinda strange question…

When y’all are trying PIV with a long-term partner, how do you manage protection? I don’t want to go on the pill if I’m not having PIV because the side effects seem too much to handle for no guaranteed reason, but I also hate to think that the day it finally works when we try, he’ll have to pull out, put on a condom, and try to get it back in again which might not even work because what if I tense up? If we stop and put on a condom before trying, I might tense up and lose momentum in the moment causing it to fail, and also if it doesn’t work then we’d waste a ton of condoms and money.

Do y’all just accept having to take BC just in case? Or accept that he might just have to either pull out or finish inside, taking the risk just once when the first time happens?

I don’t know if I’m just being dumb but my dilation is going well finally and I want to start trying PIV with him soon, curious to see how people handle this?

I’ve never successfully had PIV. My long term ex was awful about it and would shame me all the time and say no one else would be with me because I couldn’t have penetrative sex and I internalized it. It took years of therapy to finally get to where I am. I dated someone after who was kind, but it was the opposite end of the spectrum - for a a year and a half we dated but he never brought it up or even suggested trying. I suggested we try once, it was before I got help, we didn’t know what to do and so it ended with me sobbing.

I recently went on a couple of dates with someone - I had a bad feeling about a few things but I prefer to come clean early on so as to not waste my time. I’ve dilated on and off, seen a PT and gynaec and they think with the right person, I can definitely fix it. I told this guy and his immediate reaction was to: 1. Ask if I could get fingered painfree 2. Ask if it’s fixable 3. Proceeds to say he doesn’t care as long as I can get him off in other ways (he also commented about how it’s unhelpful that his penis is large) 4. Says he likes eating pussy so it’s fine. To me, that seemed insensitive, it made me anxious - or am I being crazy? He lost interest over the weeks and I can’t say for sure it was because of vaginismus but he was an avoidant douche so when I said I want to have a conversation, he fled. He has had a lot of sexual partners so it very well could be that he lost interest when he realised sex was off the table for a bit. All I said is that I want to wait and take it slow.

For me, I really enjoy physical intimacy and so I want to have PIV eventually. I’ve either had a partner who was a complete dick or one that was so nice I was never encouraged to try. I know it’s unreasonable to expect someone I meet to say they’re ok with PIV being off the table forever and that’s not what I want either. When you’re dating, what does a supportive potential partner look like? How would you expect him to take the news or react to it?