I was wondering about a male perspective. What you would do if your hookup or girlfriend confessed that she had vaginismus? I want to have sex with someone patient and understanding but I’m worried they’ll give up or be turned off or upset. I’m not sure if I can find a boyfriend due to how shy I am and my libido is out of control these days so I was wondering how to handle this if I were to consider a hookup.

My partner of 1 year and I have been dealing with vaginismus. Though I do not love her any less due to the condition, it’s frustrating to me.

I don’t believe I’m wrong for wanting to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with the person I love. However I have been lying about being satisfied with our current sexual relationship out of concern for protecting her feelings. She does feel bad about not satisfying my sexual needs, so much to the point that she has been emotional over it. And I only lie about being satisfied to protect her feelings. But it’s getting to a point that I feel like I may be neglecting my own needs in order to keep her happy.

I love her to no end and I do want to tell her the truth about how I feel about our sexual relationship but am afraid of damaging our relationship over what at the end of the day is just sex… right?

I just want to preface this that I hate the condition and understand no one chooses this. I hate that vaginismus has robbed both me and my wife of the fulfilling and enjoyable sex life that we could have had. I just needed to get it out and surrender my feelings.

Hi My girlfriend of 2 years and I have problems with PIV. We tried around 5 times but it has never really worked and she was always in a tremendous amount of pain. She is not diagnosed and I’m not sure if it’s vaginismus either. She doesn’t want to bring it up with her doctor because it makes her so uncomfortable. Both of us are frustrated and while I try not to be pushy she still feels pressured and I’m sure this doesn’t help. Due to this our sex life has become increasingly stale and we rarely share sexual intimacy anymore. I love her very much but this is beginning to affect other parts of our relationship. I already feel bad for her feeling pressured by me so I don’t really want to bring it up too often either but I really need some advice. Any help is appreciated.

I've been in a relationship with a girl who has vaginismus since february, dating since last october. Dating was fairly hard as she carried on saying yes to dates and then pushing me away. On date 4, she told me she had vaginismus, which I was fine with. The next 5 dates consisted of me pleasuring her, with 0 attempt at reciprocating. I was very frustrated and almost stopped dating her, but she is a really lovely amazing girl.

After date 10 she started reciprocating and things improved. We would regularly have satisfying sexual encounters, and the relationship flourished. She still wasn't as sexual a person as me, we didn't indulge in any dirty talk or anything else I would usually be into, but I didn't care because shes the most amazing girl I've ever been with.

But 2 months ago she went away for 3 weeks and after coming back, we've essentially had a dead bedroom.

I haven't brought up the vaginismus as whenever she brings it up herself it makes her very upset, so I was trying not to surface any feelings to make her feel pressured or uncomfortable. She has dialators but has not been using them, and I have not felt comfortable in asking her to, or even enquiring around if shes using them.

She then hurt her back a couple of weeks back so I haven't been initiating as it's not the time, I've been trying to make sure she's OK and healing.

We still have a great time together and we're very intimate and loving, but there's a very low level of sexuality to it.

I'm at this very strange juncture where I can feel myself falling in love with her, but due to the fact we're about 7 months in with 3 of those being close to devoid of sexual activity, I'm also starting to feel not sexually attracted to her?

So I need some advice.

Is having this level of dead bedroom a sign that the relationships done and I should leave it now to prevent us both being hurt further in the future?

Or, I need to talk to her. If anyone has any advice on how they broched this subject without making their partner feel bad, I'd be super greatful to hear your story / what you said.

If you've read this far I really appreciate it!!

📚 Writing a Book Series for Vaginismus Sufferers! 💬 Your Input Needed! 🌟

Hey everyone! 👋 I'm Dr. Julia Reeve, and I'm excited to share that I'm working on a series of books specifically for those affected by vaginismus, their partners, and professionals who want to better understand this condition. 💜

✨ What would YOU like to see in these books? ✨

Whether you're looking for answers to specific questions, personal stories, expert advice, or practical tips, I want to hear from you! Your input will help shape these books to ensure they are truly valuable and insightful.

❓ What questions do you have about vaginismus?

❓ What topics do you feel are most important to cover?

❓ What has been most helpful for you on your journey?

Please drop your thoughts and questions in the comments below! ⬇️

📚 Exciting News! There is already a self-help book available on Amazon titled The Vaginismus Book. This is a great resource, and I'm aiming to build on its foundation with even more insights and stories. Check it out if you haven't already!

🎁 Surprise! **The first 25 people to comment will receive my e-book for free! 🌟 Don't miss out on this opportunity to gain valuable insights and support.

Hello all,

It's a pleasure to meet you. This is Diane, Community Manager with VWELL. VWELL is an intimate wellness company based in City of Industry, California (Southern California).

Our goal is looking for participants to receive a product at no cost, to try and post their real-world experience in the appropriate Subreddit communities. 

If you are interested, please go ahead and complete this Google Form for product selections.

https://forms.gle/wHgLvWRR7mkAj6b8A

If you have more questions about our campaign, please feel free to DM me directly and I will be happy to answer any questions you may have.

I look forward to hearing from you!

My current gf has vaginismus. With 3 long relationships and a few years of straight up slutty behavior under my belt, I feel like marriage is a legitimate option for the first time with her.

However I’m scared of having bad sex for the rest of my life. In past relationships, I had PIV sex 1-3 times on average, and I’ve had good/bad/in between sex. In my current relationship, we do it maybe once every two weeks, and for the last 3+ months it’s been kinda bad every time because she stopped dilating like 6-9 months ago. Sex is more of a service to me than mutually enjoyed, and she has to cum like 1-3 times before she can take me and then she gets sore and asks me to cum within a few minutes. So I’m spending like 60 minutes of build up and 1/2 inch thrusts to get like 5 minutes of actual fucking in missionary.

Just came to rant. Feels bad. I feel like she’s never known a good sex life, so she doesn’t realize what I’m experiencing

My wife has just started PT for vaginismus she told me what happened during her appointment. Well the PT said she needed to see what happens when she orgasms so proceeded to massage her til she got off and I really don't know how I should feel about this. I want to be understanding cause I love my wife to death and want her to enjoy sex without pain. We been together for 10 years and as far as I know I'm the only one to get to orgasm since we been together. She said she was super awkward feeling and didn't enjoy it but in order to orgasm you need to enjoy it... Should I feel like she wasn't being faithful cause I kind of do cause obviously she had to consent to the whole thing. I've always been able to get her to climax she just always had pain afterwards and sometimes during sex. Am I being selfish in feeling this way

My wife of about 9 months wants to start trying for kids this year and is pretty set on that timeline. I know I want to have kids but I am very anxious about doing that while we are still very far from where I want to be with our sex life. I know once kids are in the picture, I would want to keep the family together not matter what. I am terrified of locking myself into this situation where I feel I may never have the sex life I want. My wife has been doing pelvic floor exercises and dilating for about 2.5 years now. She has gone up a couple dilator sizes, but we still only have PIV about once a year. She is not super consistent about dilating and I have to believe once we have kids, that will be a lower priority. It is getting hard for me to believe we will ever get close to the sex life I hope to have.

We have had this talk two or three times and she feels very hurt and betrayed when I mention I'm not comfortable having kids until I'm happy with our sex life. She sees it as me punishing her for this condition that is not her fault. I think if I bring up my discomfort and anxiety surrounding this anymore, we are definitely heading for a divorce. I can't see a compromise happening.

I feel ashamed that PIV is evidently so important to me. It seems more and more to be something I fixate on and it's been awful for my mental health. It is getting difficult to live my normal life with the amount of anxiety and hopelessness I feel. I think I would feel awful about a divorce and I'm not sure I'd ever forgive myself. I don't believe that is the right thing to do, but I'm really at my breaking point here mentally.

How long are you willing to commit to a woman who has this condition? A year? 5 years? Even with no sign of improvement?

This is taking a massive toll on my mental health. I’m head over heels in love with my girlfriend, but the fact that we can’t have sex is absolute torture. It’s so hard being so in love with a person but not being able to connect on that level.

I don’t know how much more I can take, but I know I can’t live like this forever. Sex is an essential peace to a fulfilling relationship and if I stay I’ll be stuck feeling empty for the rest of my life

My wife and I have been married for 9 months and were abstinent while dating. Like many here, vaginismus (the most awful sounding title in the world tbh) was a complete surprise once married and sent us into uncharted territory in which we felt alone and confused. As her husband, I've ok but not great, and definiely not excellent.

Normally, I'm understanding and supportive in whatever way I can be, but expectations lurk behind my words frequently. I have my moments of pure failure when I let an urge or silent expectation creep in over a Saturday afternoon chat... and everytging goes to pieces. In the early days of our marriage I would initiate by saying that I desired her (real romantic, right?) and when denied, I would basically hold off of saying anything about frequency/expectations until I couldn't handle it anymore. Pacifist here, remember? Two edged sword that pacifism though... Those moments were usually after a week or two without having intimate time together, likely due to the sexual avoidance and the awful pressure I know that my wife dealt with then. Therein lies the problem guys and gals - PRESSURE.

So, my most recent discovery (however caveman it sounds) as well as my reason for posting, is that I think a key to being a Vaginismus Partner is to accept things as they are in the moment, and enjoy life in the various dimensions of your relationship in the same moment. I know it's hard being the partner with the higher sex drive, and having to put it aside for your partner as they work through their own unexpected hardships. It can be emotionally and psychologically agonizing and render your relationship undone despite all the good that you guys have going on together. We have to change that though guys. It can't hinge on sex.

I'm here to tell you, if my perspective of what a 'win' lools like for my marriage can change, then yours can too. It all comes down to what I consider a win. I want win-wins, and they don't have to be giant triumphs. Creating date ideas that knock her socks off is a starting point for me. Building a weekend outing that really makes her smile.... I am trying to change the focus from the pressure of having any kind of sex to building shared memories of smiles and laughter. Focus on what is being shared between you, and enjoy those small intimate wins, and you can't go wrong. Practice it, and she'll be excited the minute you walk through the door.

P.s. I'm putting all the sauce onto new date ideas and completely open to direction y'all might have :) So far, pottery night and a dancing together are upcoming 👍

Has anyone had a partner whose issues were primarily psychological? My wife has vaginismus, but she didn’t find out until our wedding night.

She’s seen multiple therapists and doctors, and the consensus is that the vaginismus comes primarily from her inability to get turned on/she feels no attraction to me.

It’s not just PIV, we can do that just fine as long as she does her exercises. It’s that she has 0 libido. So, even kissing is uncomfortable for her. (This was not the case at all when we were dating).

What helped? What worked? I’m lost.

While sex is still too painful, she is now able to allow a finger while she blows me and it is hot af.

Apologies if it sounds dirty, but being inside her twice at once was an epic turn on.

We’re in a lesbian relationship so this is less of an obstacle. Been in it for 4 years, known about vaginismus for most of it. I love her more than anything. She’s helped me through my own sexual issues, I know she deserves the same care from me and I think I give that to her.

Even in our situation this matters, there are things I want to experience. However, if this can’t be changed that’s fine! The thing is, she hasn’t tried doing consistent dilation or things like that. The lack of trying makes it feel like there’s a distance here, like this possibility is floating out there that we can never really know about, and that we can feel a little weird about. I feel insecure bc some girls talk about how finding another partner fixed this for them, and then I wonder if there’s something wrong with me and what I’m doing.

If we could just come to an acceptance that this wouldn’t change I could move on clean and feel like this isn’t in between us like it sometimes is. It bothers me too bc there are other things I talk about trying that vaginismus doesn’t affect, but she says she wants to focus on solving this first, even though attempts aren’t being made. She doesn’t need to do anything she doesn’t want to, but it just comes back to the feeling of her not trying leaving me not knowing where we’re standing at in some ways. We still explore plenty and things are good, but never trying to take this out of the equation makes me feel bad and insecure too.

4 years of waiting to see if anything can change is tiring, and I want to move on one way or the other at this point. I’m just venting here, I’ve never talked about it to anyone and just want to hear from other people who experience this. I’d be thrilled if any lesbians saw this and shared their experiences too, but I just want to hear from anybody and not bottle it up for a sec.

Hey partners of people with vaginismus! Thanks for being here.

My last relationship ended over my vaginismus (rather cruelly), and then when I was ready to date again, my next potential partner ghosted me right after I brought it up (about 5 dates in). I've made HUGE progress through PT, but I haven't been in another sexual relationship to know how things will actually go. Obviously I need and want to tell my future partners that this is a thing that affects me, but I'm having trouble with the timing and getting stressed about it.

From your perspective, when and how is the best time to share this with a partner?

Hello! My wife has struggled with vaginismus since we were married 20 years ago. It went undiagnosed for 17 years! A general practitioner told her she had an unbroken hymen, and we were too shy and introverted to get any help! We consummated our marriage 3 months after our wedding with some difficulty, using fingers and cigar cases as homemade dilators. We had some success for a few years, but decided to stop having PIV sex after she was diagnosed to stop associating pain with sex. So we have not had PIV sex in 3 years. But now she is 3 years postmenopausal and getting aroused is difficult for her. We are going to a hormone and pelvic floor specialist in about a week and we bought the Intimate Rose dilators. We want to give it another try but I'm skeptical as to whether we will be successful. Having her aroused and having orgasms together is far more important to me than PIV, but it would be nice to have it again.

So I've been with my gf for almost 2 years both of us are 18 and she has done so well with the dilators over the last year or so and we have both been talking about wanting to try and have sex as last time we tried was 6 months into the relationship and she had no idea about vaginismus so as you can guess that didn't go well as it didn't go in at all and she was in pain she worked her way up through the dilators and can now do one around my size.

I was wondering if anyone had any tips of how I can be extra supportive of her if and when we try and have sex that would help with someone recovering from vaginismus as I want to do everything I can to support her, if anyone who has been in mine and my gf position has anything to mention whether it is emotionally and or doing things physically differently I'd be interested to hear it.

I am so focused on my partners post menopause pain she routinely experiences that on the rare occasion she wants to have sex I can’t stay hard.

Now she thinks something else is wrong with her and it is very frustrating for both of us.

Have you read NMMNG? What are your thoughts on it?

My partner has successfully completed pelvic floor therapy and we’re able to have pain free PIV intercourse.

She won’t allow me to touch her vagina with anything other than my penis. I’m unable to caress or go down in her. I know there may have been some trauma in her past but would like to be able to touch/taste my partner.

Has anyone had experience navigating a similar situation?

So we have been dating for 2 years now. We started to try 4 months ago and since we are only 19 it was our first try on it for both of us. For one month we didn't worry too much but after that, we started to research this and learned it was vaginismus caused by anxiety. She already had anxiety issues and crises beforehand so it wasn't a big surprise but I was ruined. It was consuming me mentally and I had a lot of confidence issues. We were able to do it once when she was drunk but other than that it made me literally go insane. 1 week ago we tried again last time before she went to another city and it just magically happened. We did it like 8 times in 2 weeks and I just wanted to write this down to be hope for those who feel like it will go on for 5 years or for an eternity. I can give much more detailed writing if someone asks for any details but just want you guys to know that I can understand how you feel and you are not alone <3 We still have problems in different positions but seeing that it can change for the better actually gave me hope and fullfiment.

Obviously I know this will vary from person to person. But I’m curious from your perspective. I’m a cisgender woman and don’t feel as though my vaginismus hinders my sex life as severely as some because clitoral stimulation still provides satisfying orgasms for me. I do want penetration of course, and it’s frustrating I can’t. I also know of gay men, for instance, a couple of two cisgender gay men who due to health conditions can’t have anal sex, so neither of them give or receive penetration. They told me this does not cause any problems for them. I am bisexual and have likewise been in bi/lesbian relationships with partners with vaginas who are satisfied without even fingering, clit stimulation is good for them. I don’t get the sense of sexual dissatisfaction in those scenarios that seems to come from straight relationships. I am wondering if maybe this is a stereotype. I’m in a long term straight relationship and I’m worried for my boyfriend. Will it really always just be second best with oral and handjobs/outer course? I’d like to think there’s a way for us both to experience sexual fulfillment without it just being his second choice bevause he can’t penetrate me.

Can someone post an invite link to the Discord server?

Tw// mentions of rape and ocd A couple months back, my gf was diagnosed with ocd (specifically she has sexual ocd, i’m not sure the exact name) we think that this might have led to her developing vaginismus as well, but she’s always had a weird relationship with sex. She has a very intense fear of rape and this is definitely affecting how we have sex. We’ve been trying to figure out how to make her feel good during sex. she’s said that when I finger her or eat her out it either feels like nothing or pain. Sorry for the tmi, i’ve been able to fit two fingers in with a lot of lube and taking it slow, but even then it’s not really pleasure, she says she can see how it might feel good but it doesn’t actually feel good. we are both women, so when we have sex she’s usually the one pleasing me, but I feel guilty for not reciprocating all the time. does anyone have any tips on how they manage to pleasure their partners with vaginismus? or is in a similar situation as ours? (she wanted me to ask on reddit since i’m the one that has an account)

So my GF and I have broken up about a month ago and I am very torn. She has made some amazing progress recently to the point where we can now have sex (it took her two years to do this). But, here is the catch, all of this progress has been after we broke up. While in the relationship there were constant excuses and reasons as to why she could not do her treatment (psychologically and physically). But after we broke up it took about 3 weeks to fix the issue, I thought being able to have sex with her would help calm my fears... but it hasn't. I find myself feeling hurt and betrayed because there was so much stress that happened because of this in my life and I was willing to support and hold her and put my own desires and feelings on the back burner for 2 years. I just feel that in this whole relationship I wasn't listened to and I had felt like I was very patient, but she wouldn't try until the circumstances became dire and I would be ground down to the metaphorical bone. I don't want to break her heart but I don't know what else I can do and honestly what else would be healthy for me... any help would be great