Hello all.

My husband and I got married about 6.5 years ago. We discovered shortly after our wedding that we were unable to penetrate etc.

I did my research, used dialtors to help me and was quite persistent.

Now I am at a place where penetration isn't as difficult and painful as it used to be.

The problem is that it apparently has affected my husband in a negative manner.

He says that my pain and discomfort during sex has led to him to have performance anxiety. He has trouble keeping an erection and it usually goes away the second we think about penetration.

In alot of the threads here I find that it's the woman who has issues and hides behind her problems while the partners are frustrated and want their woman to take their issue more head on. With our issue it's the exact opposite.

As soon as I found out I had issues, I read up on it like crazy and took measures to make things comfortable for us. I was the one who would initiate. I was the one who would be turned down.

It's always some reason or another. Either a long day, or a busy schedule, being tired etc.

Now my husband is an all around great person. He's sweet, helpful, the best dad. Great person. But he very much avoids sex. He has alot of performance anxiety that he says stems from my Vaginismus. He doenst usually even attempt sex unless all the stars are aligned and we have the perfect circumstances for successful penetration.

But most days My husband would have so much performance anxiety to the point that he would usually just call off sex. He works 3 jobs, works 7 days a week and has very long days so he is usually very tired at night. And he doesn't like the feeling of not being able to maintain an erection, so most days he declines sex. He seems totally at ease and comfortable. Doesn't seem to affect him at all. Sex once a month or even 1.5 month is good enough for him.

This has obviously led to alot of feelings on my end. At this point I am honestly pretty frustrated and have alot of self doubt. Does he not find me attractive? Why do I always have to be the one chasing him down? Etc.

It's gotten to the point that we don't even like to do other physical things because then I expect sex and he isn't comfortable. Then I end up disappointed. About 2 years ago I reached the point where I would stop initiating because I hate being rejected all the time.

When I say that he doesn't seem to have much of sex drive, he says it's not true and that he's in the mood every day, and it's just the performance anxiety that keeps him.

i made a huge deal about things a few months ago and he finally started to take things seriously. Saw a urologist and started some supplements that are supposed to help.

He has started to take measures to make things better and started to deal with his problems. But The excuses are still there. The frustration is still there. I know it will take time to work through, and I am trying to be patient.

By main question is this: He claims that this performance anxiety seems to be a common issue for partners of people who have vaginismus (he does religious counseling and has come across such scenarios) During arguments he's made implications that he wouldn't have had to deal with this performance anxiety if it wasn't for me having vaginismus.

So my question to you partners of those with vaginismus is, is that true? Do people end up with erectile dysfunction just because of performance anxiety caused by Vaginismus? Or is it that we both have our sets of issues and he's just putting the blame on me.I haven't seen anything like that in this section.

Hey everyone,

I'm here looking for some advice and support because I've been feeling really lost and confused lately. I (29M) have been in a relationship with my partner (29F) for the past 2.5 years. This is my second serious relationship, and it's her fourth. I love her deeply, and in so many ways, she is an amazing partner—kind, supportive, and just a wonderful person overall. But when it comes to our sex life, we've been struggling, and it's starting to take a toll on me emotionally.

To give you some background, my partner has vaginismus, which got officially diagnosed about a year ago after she saw a gynecologist. We've knew it might be vaginismus, but it took over a year and a half into the relationship for her to seek medical help, despite her initial assurances that she would get it checked out. It was a mess whenever I tried to bring it up. Finally when I told her that was seriously depressed, she decided to approach the doctor. Since then, there hasn't been much follow-up, even though the doctor recommended a follow-up visit after 15 days. Whenever I bring it up, it tends to lead to arguments. My therapist has asked me not to push the topic further.

Here's where we struggle:

* She never initiates sex, and we rarely talk about it. Even though it’s one of the main issues in our relationship.

* She’s generally not interested in sexual activities. For example, she’s only been masturbating for about four years and doesn't seem to have much interest in it now either. Watching porn or engaging in dirty talk is also not something she enjoys. I’ve reduced dirty talk significantly because she doesn’t like it.

* When we’re intimate, she seems uncomfortable with certain acts. For instance, she’s not comfortable with oral sex (both giving and receiving). Even though I’m fresh out of the bath, she doesn’t like going down on me. If it has to happen with the condom, I have to ask for it most of the times.

* She often doesn’t show much interest in my body during sex. Apart from kissing me on the lips, there’s not much reciprocation when it comes to making me feel pleasured.

The emotional challenges:

* About six months into our relationship, I started developing issues like ED and PE. I was so stressed that I even tried to break up with her, but we got back together after she assured me, she would seek help. It’s took 1.5 years since that promise, but aside from the one visit to the gyno, there hasn’t been much progress.

* We’ve recently been doing long-distance for a brief period, and I miss her a lot. But in the past two months, she hasn’t shown much interest in anything beyond casual conversations. I miss the physical intimacy, and it feels like she’s lost interest in that part of our relationship. She is not comfortable doing things on the video. It feels embarrassing to just sit there and pleasure myself, so have stopped the idea of phone sex.

*  I’ve suggested things like outercourse, but she often prefers to skip it. There’s also been a lack of effort in exploring other forms of intimacy, even though I’ve encouraged her to find what she enjoys.

* We’ve tried couple’s therapy, hoping we could at least talk about our sex life there. Unfortunately, our sessions ended up being about non-sexual issues, and we eventually stopped going because she doesn’t like discussing our relationship with a third party.

* She’s also opposed to seeing a sex therapist, which leaves me feeling stuck. I’ve spent a lot of time researching ways to support her, like books and resources, but she often finds something she doesn’t like about each suggestion.

Other struggles:

I don’t know much about her dilator journey because she doesn’t like discussing it, even though she’s had them for a year now. We’ve only attempted PIV sex whenever she initiates it, and I’ve made it clear that I’m okay with being in this relationship without PIV for some time. But would not be comfortable with it forever.

I want to make things work, but there hasn’t been much change in our sexual relationship over the past 2.5 to 3 years. I feel conflicted about whether I should stay in the relationship or not.

I’m feeling really depressed and unsure of what to do. I love her and want to be supportive, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to cope with these ongoing issues. I’m scared that talking about this might make me seem like a bad partner, but I just really need some advice on how to move forward. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you handle it?

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I genuinely appreciate any advice or support you can offer.

TL;DR:
I'm (29M) in a 2.5-year relationship with my partner (29F), who has vaginismus. She's an amazing partner in many ways, but our sex life has been a struggle. She rarely initiates or talks about sex, and despite promising to get help, progress has been very slow. We've tried couple's therapy, but she's against seeing a sex therapist. I feel emotionally drained and unsure about the future of our relationship due to the lack of intimacy and communication around this issue. I love her, but I'm feeling lost and conflicted—any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I get this really sharp pain When I get horny dosent happen always but it happens when I get horny fast or sometime when I’m really horny I’ve never put a finger in I can’t even imagine some one putting something up there it scares me Im still a virgin Im 24 years old. When im with a man I can get horny but not to the point where I can let them got near that area And when they do it just turn me off and makes me want to stop. if I do orgasm my semen just stays inside until I walk around or go to the toilet and ooo or when i take a warm bath i have to pull it out sometimes is it because I’m a virgin and the hymen is in between or is it justt vaginismus i have asked a few people and they don’t seem to know what I’m talking about the sharp pain doesn’t make sense to me Neither does the semen getting stuck in me ?? Can some one help me

I was wondering about a male perspective. What you would do if your hookup or girlfriend confessed that she had vaginismus? I want to have sex with someone patient and understanding but I’m worried they’ll give up or be turned off or upset. I’m not sure if I can find a boyfriend due to how shy I am and my libido is out of control these days so I was wondering how to handle this if I were to consider a hookup.

My partner of 1 year and I have been dealing with vaginismus. Though I do not love her any less due to the condition, it’s frustrating to me.

I don’t believe I’m wrong for wanting to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with the person I love. However I have been lying about being satisfied with our current sexual relationship out of concern for protecting her feelings. She does feel bad about not satisfying my sexual needs, so much to the point that she has been emotional over it. And I only lie about being satisfied to protect her feelings. But it’s getting to a point that I feel like I may be neglecting my own needs in order to keep her happy.

I love her to no end and I do want to tell her the truth about how I feel about our sexual relationship but am afraid of damaging our relationship over what at the end of the day is just sex… right?

I just want to preface this that I hate the condition and understand no one chooses this. I hate that vaginismus has robbed both me and my wife of the fulfilling and enjoyable sex life that we could have had. I just needed to get it out and surrender my feelings.

I've been in a relationship with a girl who has vaginismus since february, dating since last october. Dating was fairly hard as she carried on saying yes to dates and then pushing me away. On date 4, she told me she had vaginismus, which I was fine with. The next 5 dates consisted of me pleasuring her, with 0 attempt at reciprocating. I was very frustrated and almost stopped dating her, but she is a really lovely amazing girl.

After date 10 she started reciprocating and things improved. We would regularly have satisfying sexual encounters, and the relationship flourished. She still wasn't as sexual a person as me, we didn't indulge in any dirty talk or anything else I would usually be into, but I didn't care because shes the most amazing girl I've ever been with.

But 2 months ago she went away for 3 weeks and after coming back, we've essentially had a dead bedroom.

I haven't brought up the vaginismus as whenever she brings it up herself it makes her very upset, so I was trying not to surface any feelings to make her feel pressured or uncomfortable. She has dialators but has not been using them, and I have not felt comfortable in asking her to, or even enquiring around if shes using them.

She then hurt her back a couple of weeks back so I haven't been initiating as it's not the time, I've been trying to make sure she's OK and healing.

We still have a great time together and we're very intimate and loving, but there's a very low level of sexuality to it.

I'm at this very strange juncture where I can feel myself falling in love with her, but due to the fact we're about 7 months in with 3 of those being close to devoid of sexual activity, I'm also starting to feel not sexually attracted to her?

So I need some advice.

Is having this level of dead bedroom a sign that the relationships done and I should leave it now to prevent us both being hurt further in the future?

Or, I need to talk to her. If anyone has any advice on how they broched this subject without making their partner feel bad, I'd be super greatful to hear your story / what you said.

If you've read this far I really appreciate it!!

📚 Writing a Book Series for Vaginismus Sufferers! 💬 Your Input Needed! 🌟

Hey everyone! 👋 I'm Dr. Julia Reeve, and I'm excited to share that I'm working on a series of books specifically for those affected by vaginismus, their partners, and professionals who want to better understand this condition. 💜

✨ What would YOU like to see in these books? ✨

Whether you're looking for answers to specific questions, personal stories, expert advice, or practical tips, I want to hear from you! Your input will help shape these books to ensure they are truly valuable and insightful.

❓ What questions do you have about vaginismus?

❓ What topics do you feel are most important to cover?

❓ What has been most helpful for you on your journey?

Please drop your thoughts and questions in the comments below! ⬇️

📚 Exciting News! There is already a self-help book available on Amazon titled The Vaginismus Book. This is a great resource, and I'm aiming to build on its foundation with even more insights and stories. Check it out if you haven't already!

🎁 Surprise! **The first 25 people to comment will receive my e-book for free! 🌟 Don't miss out on this opportunity to gain valuable insights and support.

Hello all,

It's a pleasure to meet you. This is Diane, Community Manager with VWELL. VWELL is an intimate wellness company based in City of Industry, California (Southern California).

Our goal is looking for participants to receive a product at no cost, to try and post their real-world experience in the appropriate Subreddit communities. 

If you are interested, please go ahead and complete this Google Form for product selections.

https://forms.gle/wHgLvWRR7mkAj6b8A

If you have more questions about our campaign, please feel free to DM me directly and I will be happy to answer any questions you may have.

I look forward to hearing from you!

My current gf has vaginismus. With 3 long relationships and a few years of straight up slutty behavior under my belt, I feel like marriage is a legitimate option for the first time with her.

However I’m scared of having bad sex for the rest of my life. In past relationships, I had PIV sex 1-3 times on average, and I’ve had good/bad/in between sex. In my current relationship, we do it maybe once every two weeks, and for the last 3+ months it’s been kinda bad every time because she stopped dilating like 6-9 months ago. Sex is more of a service to me than mutually enjoyed, and she has to cum like 1-3 times before she can take me and then she gets sore and asks me to cum within a few minutes. So I’m spending like 60 minutes of build up and 1/2 inch thrusts to get like 5 minutes of actual fucking in missionary.

Just came to rant. Feels bad. I feel like she’s never known a good sex life, so she doesn’t realize what I’m experiencing

My wife has just started PT for vaginismus she told me what happened during her appointment. Well the PT said she needed to see what happens when she orgasms so proceeded to massage her til she got off and I really don't know how I should feel about this. I want to be understanding cause I love my wife to death and want her to enjoy sex without pain. We been together for 10 years and as far as I know I'm the only one to get to orgasm since we been together. She said she was super awkward feeling and didn't enjoy it but in order to orgasm you need to enjoy it... Should I feel like she wasn't being faithful cause I kind of do cause obviously she had to consent to the whole thing. I've always been able to get her to climax she just always had pain afterwards and sometimes during sex. Am I being selfish in feeling this way

My wife of about 9 months wants to start trying for kids this year and is pretty set on that timeline. I know I want to have kids but I am very anxious about doing that while we are still very far from where I want to be with our sex life. I know once kids are in the picture, I would want to keep the family together not matter what. I am terrified of locking myself into this situation where I feel I may never have the sex life I want. My wife has been doing pelvic floor exercises and dilating for about 2.5 years now. She has gone up a couple dilator sizes, but we still only have PIV about once a year. She is not super consistent about dilating and I have to believe once we have kids, that will be a lower priority. It is getting hard for me to believe we will ever get close to the sex life I hope to have.

We have had this talk two or three times and she feels very hurt and betrayed when I mention I'm not comfortable having kids until I'm happy with our sex life. She sees it as me punishing her for this condition that is not her fault. I think if I bring up my discomfort and anxiety surrounding this anymore, we are definitely heading for a divorce. I can't see a compromise happening.

I feel ashamed that PIV is evidently so important to me. It seems more and more to be something I fixate on and it's been awful for my mental health. It is getting difficult to live my normal life with the amount of anxiety and hopelessness I feel. I think I would feel awful about a divorce and I'm not sure I'd ever forgive myself. I don't believe that is the right thing to do, but I'm really at my breaking point here mentally.

How long are you willing to commit to a woman who has this condition? A year? 5 years? Even with no sign of improvement?

This is taking a massive toll on my mental health. I’m head over heels in love with my girlfriend, but the fact that we can’t have sex is absolute torture. It’s so hard being so in love with a person but not being able to connect on that level.

I don’t know how much more I can take, but I know I can’t live like this forever. Sex is an essential peace to a fulfilling relationship and if I stay I’ll be stuck feeling empty for the rest of my life

My wife and I have been married for 9 months and were abstinent while dating. Like many here, vaginismus (the most awful sounding title in the world tbh) was a complete surprise once married and sent us into uncharted territory in which we felt alone and confused. As her husband, I've ok but not great, and definiely not excellent.

Normally, I'm understanding and supportive in whatever way I can be, but expectations lurk behind my words frequently. I have my moments of pure failure when I let an urge or silent expectation creep in over a Saturday afternoon chat... and everytging goes to pieces. In the early days of our marriage I would initiate by saying that I desired her (real romantic, right?) and when denied, I would basically hold off of saying anything about frequency/expectations until I couldn't handle it anymore. Pacifist here, remember? Two edged sword that pacifism though... Those moments were usually after a week or two without having intimate time together, likely due to the sexual avoidance and the awful pressure I know that my wife dealt with then. Therein lies the problem guys and gals - PRESSURE.

So, my most recent discovery (however caveman it sounds) as well as my reason for posting, is that I think a key to being a Vaginismus Partner is to accept things as they are in the moment, and enjoy life in the various dimensions of your relationship in the same moment. I know it's hard being the partner with the higher sex drive, and having to put it aside for your partner as they work through their own unexpected hardships. It can be emotionally and psychologically agonizing and render your relationship undone despite all the good that you guys have going on together. We have to change that though guys. It can't hinge on sex.

I'm here to tell you, if my perspective of what a 'win' lools like for my marriage can change, then yours can too. It all comes down to what I consider a win. I want win-wins, and they don't have to be giant triumphs. Creating date ideas that knock her socks off is a starting point for me. Building a weekend outing that really makes her smile.... I am trying to change the focus from the pressure of having any kind of sex to building shared memories of smiles and laughter. Focus on what is being shared between you, and enjoy those small intimate wins, and you can't go wrong. Practice it, and she'll be excited the minute you walk through the door.

P.s. I'm putting all the sauce onto new date ideas and completely open to direction y'all might have :) So far, pottery night and a dancing together are upcoming 👍

Has anyone had a partner whose issues were primarily psychological? My wife has vaginismus, but she didn’t find out until our wedding night.

She’s seen multiple therapists and doctors, and the consensus is that the vaginismus comes primarily from her inability to get turned on/she feels no attraction to me.

It’s not just PIV, we can do that just fine as long as she does her exercises. It’s that she has 0 libido. So, even kissing is uncomfortable for her. (This was not the case at all when we were dating).

What helped? What worked? I’m lost.

While sex is still too painful, she is now able to allow a finger while she blows me and it is hot af.

Apologies if it sounds dirty, but being inside her twice at once was an epic turn on.

We’re in a lesbian relationship so this is less of an obstacle. Been in it for 4 years, known about vaginismus for most of it. I love her more than anything. She’s helped me through my own sexual issues, I know she deserves the same care from me and I think I give that to her.

Even in our situation this matters, there are things I want to experience. However, if this can’t be changed that’s fine! The thing is, she hasn’t tried doing consistent dilation or things like that. The lack of trying makes it feel like there’s a distance here, like this possibility is floating out there that we can never really know about, and that we can feel a little weird about. I feel insecure bc some girls talk about how finding another partner fixed this for them, and then I wonder if there’s something wrong with me and what I’m doing.

If we could just come to an acceptance that this wouldn’t change I could move on clean and feel like this isn’t in between us like it sometimes is. It bothers me too bc there are other things I talk about trying that vaginismus doesn’t affect, but she says she wants to focus on solving this first, even though attempts aren’t being made. She doesn’t need to do anything she doesn’t want to, but it just comes back to the feeling of her not trying leaving me not knowing where we’re standing at in some ways. We still explore plenty and things are good, but never trying to take this out of the equation makes me feel bad and insecure too.

4 years of waiting to see if anything can change is tiring, and I want to move on one way or the other at this point. I’m just venting here, I’ve never talked about it to anyone and just want to hear from other people who experience this. I’d be thrilled if any lesbians saw this and shared their experiences too, but I just want to hear from anybody and not bottle it up for a sec.

Hey partners of people with vaginismus! Thanks for being here.

My last relationship ended over my vaginismus (rather cruelly), and then when I was ready to date again, my next potential partner ghosted me right after I brought it up (about 5 dates in). I've made HUGE progress through PT, but I haven't been in another sexual relationship to know how things will actually go. Obviously I need and want to tell my future partners that this is a thing that affects me, but I'm having trouble with the timing and getting stressed about it.

From your perspective, when and how is the best time to share this with a partner?

Hello! My wife has struggled with vaginismus since we were married 20 years ago. It went undiagnosed for 17 years! A general practitioner told her she had an unbroken hymen, and we were too shy and introverted to get any help! We consummated our marriage 3 months after our wedding with some difficulty, using fingers and cigar cases as homemade dilators. We had some success for a few years, but decided to stop having PIV sex after she was diagnosed to stop associating pain with sex. So we have not had PIV sex in 3 years. But now she is 3 years postmenopausal and getting aroused is difficult for her. We are going to a hormone and pelvic floor specialist in about a week and we bought the Intimate Rose dilators. We want to give it another try but I'm skeptical as to whether we will be successful. Having her aroused and having orgasms together is far more important to me than PIV, but it would be nice to have it again.

I am so focused on my partners post menopause pain she routinely experiences that on the rare occasion she wants to have sex I can’t stay hard.

Now she thinks something else is wrong with her and it is very frustrating for both of us.

Have you read NMMNG? What are your thoughts on it?

My partner has successfully completed pelvic floor therapy and we’re able to have pain free PIV intercourse.

She won’t allow me to touch her vagina with anything other than my penis. I’m unable to caress or go down in her. I know there may have been some trauma in her past but would like to be able to touch/taste my partner.

Has anyone had experience navigating a similar situation?

So we have been dating for 2 years now. We started to try 4 months ago and since we are only 19 it was our first try on it for both of us. For one month we didn't worry too much but after that, we started to research this and learned it was vaginismus caused by anxiety. She already had anxiety issues and crises beforehand so it wasn't a big surprise but I was ruined. It was consuming me mentally and I had a lot of confidence issues. We were able to do it once when she was drunk but other than that it made me literally go insane. 1 week ago we tried again last time before she went to another city and it just magically happened. We did it like 8 times in 2 weeks and I just wanted to write this down to be hope for those who feel like it will go on for 5 years or for an eternity. I can give much more detailed writing if someone asks for any details but just want you guys to know that I can understand how you feel and you are not alone <3 We still have problems in different positions but seeing that it can change for the better actually gave me hope and fullfiment.

Obviously I know this will vary from person to person. But I’m curious from your perspective. I’m a cisgender woman and don’t feel as though my vaginismus hinders my sex life as severely as some because clitoral stimulation still provides satisfying orgasms for me. I do want penetration of course, and it’s frustrating I can’t. I also know of gay men, for instance, a couple of two cisgender gay men who due to health conditions can’t have anal sex, so neither of them give or receive penetration. They told me this does not cause any problems for them. I am bisexual and have likewise been in bi/lesbian relationships with partners with vaginas who are satisfied without even fingering, clit stimulation is good for them. I don’t get the sense of sexual dissatisfaction in those scenarios that seems to come from straight relationships. I am wondering if maybe this is a stereotype. I’m in a long term straight relationship and I’m worried for my boyfriend. Will it really always just be second best with oral and handjobs/outer course? I’d like to think there’s a way for us both to experience sexual fulfillment without it just being his second choice bevause he can’t penetrate me.

Can someone post an invite link to the Discord server?

Tw// mentions of rape and ocd A couple months back, my gf was diagnosed with ocd (specifically she has sexual ocd, i’m not sure the exact name) we think that this might have led to her developing vaginismus as well, but she’s always had a weird relationship with sex. She has a very intense fear of rape and this is definitely affecting how we have sex. We’ve been trying to figure out how to make her feel good during sex. she’s said that when I finger her or eat her out it either feels like nothing or pain. Sorry for the tmi, i’ve been able to fit two fingers in with a lot of lube and taking it slow, but even then it’s not really pleasure, she says she can see how it might feel good but it doesn’t actually feel good. we are both women, so when we have sex she’s usually the one pleasing me, but I feel guilty for not reciprocating all the time. does anyone have any tips on how they manage to pleasure their partners with vaginismus? or is in a similar situation as ours? (she wanted me to ask on reddit since i’m the one that has an account)