I'm leaving anyway so it's a moot point but ... how far do you NACHO/not get involved and at what point is leaning out too much?

I started to NACHO a year ago as my SO/ex had begun to take my help for granted, stopped doing chores I was helping with, etc. I also got burned pretty badly with the 'caring more than the parents' thing which ultimately lead me to lean out emotionally to protect myself.

My therapist said I've had CPTSD for most of the last 2 years from the kids, HCBM, real/perceived neglect and the whole parenting dynamic....

As a result I've been scared to interact with the kids as every single time something comes up that sets me off for days/weeks. SD will say something indicating parental alienation. Or she will desperately need a haircut but neither parent will get her one. Stuff that would take me awhile to get over, even with therapy as it triggers memories of neglect

I managed one family dinner last visit (Fri-Mon) & a 20 mins chat with SD. Which was hard because of things said that scared me for her.That felt like a lot.

I don't think with two steps 6 and 11, that level of univolvement is sustainable, they would eventually feel weird that I'm essentially hardly ever spending time with them. I travel whenever they're here for longer visits - I make sure I'm away.

I'd have to re engage (and as I can't without getting PTSD triggers that's a good enough reason to leave).

Me and the bf are together for 5 months now. We are slowly talking about living together. We are aiming towards end of the year to start looking for houses.

So we have an idea but we are wondering what the impact is from this. His current house is paid off but way too small for us to live in. He has two bedrooms and 1 office as we both wfh this is not possible. Plus I also have a dog.

I am unwilling to move in that house especially with a 10 year old 50% of the time and a high energy dog who has no garden. I will lose my mind.

So the idea is that he keeps his house as it is close to his son. And we buy a house wherever we find our affordable dreamhome. We would be living together 50/50. As he keeps his house it will be a smaller “dreamhome” but that is fine to me.

We have 2 concerns. Will it feel like living together if it is 50/50? He does not expect me to be a “mom” to his son but he would feel sad if these lives are very separated. He does hope me and his son at least have a relationship and that he gets to know me. I get that. Holidays and weekends can be spend at “ our” place.

He is still thinking of buying a bigger house in his city but it is very expensive and we will be paying a lot for smaller houses and I will have to move in with his 10yo and I am not sure I want this.

With my ex, it was kinda fine but I did try to be gone as much as I could when his son was there. And that was just a EO weekend. I am not sure if I was uncomfortable because it was only EO weekends? Maybe it gets easier to get adjusted if it is not just 5 days a week. To be fair my ex was a Disney parent who was also lazy to boot. That kid was a really good one despite his parents .

I don’t know but I prefer the separation. We can hang out and he can visit during the weekends if he wants. It would put me more in control and I would have my “home” and SS can visit my home. He will have his home with dad and also no impact on us moving in together. There will be minimal changes for SS and a lot of 1 on 1 time.

It is true our relationship would be 50/50 as wel. But to be fair. I feel disconnected to my partner when his son is there anyway. Might as well be by myself and have peace. I can’t at the moment really gage if it will feel different this time. My bf is a very different dad and person. He does put me first, always. He is a real dad. Not only because he has more time but he disciplines encourages independence …

Do you guys have more insights

My husband (35M) and his ex wife (40F) were together for 5y and married for 1y. They have a daughter (7F) together, but she has been married before, has a teenage daughter with her first husband. My husband left her because it was a toxic relationship and he's a recovering alcoholic.

Me (32F) and my husband have been together for 4y, married for 2. We have no children together, but we raise his daughter half of the time - the custody is 50-50.

His ex wife and I don't get along - she's moved in on me in the past, she tried to split and has insulted me a few times. She's a textbook selfish narcissist and she's ruined any prospect of a relationship between us. I want absolutely nothing with her because she has 0 respect towards me, but basic decency and being civil towards her isn't enough for her. Apparently she's not happy that I'm not out there licking her arse like everyone else. In her latest outburst, she said I had to make an effort with her because things would get worse between us otherwise (??). She's very awkward with me in public, pretends she doesn't see me and literally hides from me, never says hello. She has yet to acknowledge that her ex husband remarried and that I am his wife. She treats me like I'm just this silly little side affair and that one day the spell will wear off and he'll see sense and get back with her.

She's always been a tease and flirty - nothing she ever does is coincidental and she's very calculating. I remember seeing a photo of her at her ex husband's house for his wife's birthday party and she was wearing a lace bodysuit with leather pants, whilst everyone else was dressed normally. Just teasing her ex husband. She always comes around my house to drop her daughter off with her t*ts out, skin tight clothes etc. She also messages nonstop about trivial things regarding their daughter and when she has her, she reports everything they do and what she's done in the day, sends photos and videos.

In December, she was diagnosed with type 2 Diabetes so she has lost some weight. Ever since, she's been grafting like mad to get my husband's attention. A few days ago, she asked us to drop my SD off at a birthday party, some friend of hers. Husband and SD get out of the car to look for the entrance and at the same time, she drove in. She saw me looking out the window in our car and drove forward to block me from her view and kept my husband chatting. She then parked up and got out of the car, she was in a crop top and cheeky denim shorts - she had everything on display. Kept my husband for as long as she could by making conversation and then she turned round to her car and got on all 4s to reach for the present that was on the passenger side.

Yesterday, my husband took SD to karate lessons which she arranged once a week near her house. She rang him up beforehand to ask if he was leaving SD there or waiting for her. He said he'd just wait in the car and that was the end of the conversation. She then went out for a run at the same time SD was meant to be in karate in the exact same place my husband was meant to be sat waiting for SD to sort of "bump into him".

I know there's nothing I can do about this, I have already spoken to my husband and told him how much it bothers me and that I feel disrespected, but I also don't expect him to control her behaviour because he can't. I know that my husband is married to me for a reason and not her etc etc.. but how do I detach from this? She makes my blood boil and it's so hard to just ignore the situation.. I don't know how to cope with this, it's so draining.

Tldr: my husband's ex wife flirts and teases him, and is always trying to get his attention through messages and skimpy outfits. It infuriates me and I don't know how to detach from the situation.

So I’ll start off by saying my SO (26M) & BM (24F) are not on the best of terms. They split 50/50 custody and are required to only contact each other through a parenting app. This was established during their custody hearing a few months ago.

My SO pays child support, most of it being for SD’s health/dental insurance since BM’s work place provided it and that way the cost would be 50/50. A few days after the hearing, BM got fired from her job for always being late. She failed to mention this to anyone until my SO’s father confronted her one day. So SD was without insurance for over a month. During this period BM decided to take SD to the dentist and is now asking SO to pay half of this large bill, which could have waited until insurance covered it again. BM & SD are now on free state insurance while SO pays extra child support for insurance.

This past weekend was Mother’s Day. SO & I had SD the night prior. Late that night SD got a FaceTime call from BM. In the middle of the call while SO was eavesdropping, BM asks “did dad get me anything for Mother’s Day?” & SD responded no. The year prior she texted SO “for Mother’s Day I want drake tickets” & “for Mother’s Day I want a violin”

Now, 2 days later. SO received an email from his lawyer. BM is taking him back to court because she has had no job for the past 2 months and doesn’t want to work. (She wants to be a full time Instagram model) She also still lives at home with her mom and has no bills to pay for as her mom pays for everything. Part of me thinks it’s because he didn’t get her anything for Mother’s Day and she’s salty about it.

Have a win or a happy that you don't want to dedicate an entire post to? Still want to celebrate with some positivity? This is the place!

Have a tiny problem that you don't want to dedicate an entire post to? While these threads aren't super active, it's a great way to get something off your chest!

I'll try to keep short .I feel trapped . So has 4 children all living with him but this was not the case when we met .the oldest 2 lived permanently with him, the youngest 2 were 50/50 Things seem to have fallen on my shoulders since I moved in 2 years ago Housework ,meals ,shopping dropping and collecting Fast forward to present day All 3 adult kids living here with youngest here 80% of the time I have 12 year old daughter who us a Ray of sunshine 🌞 His teenagers 20 and 19 especially his teenage daughter do nothing to help around the home and I mean nothing That wouldn't even bother me if she was just kind to my daughter She barely speaks to her and can be a little intimidating at times she lacks empathy and kindness most of the time He works and then goes to the gym and also started playing golf again ,and I'm left here with kids that have no boundaries, and show no respect to my privacy ,walking in and out of my bedroom even when I've been sick . I am truly done ,I have so much more.i could say but I wouldn't know where to start !! I basically want to move back to my own home which I could so as I have it rented out. I am exhausted and constantly overwhelmed I feel like a live in maid and chauffeur I don't really blame.the kids I blame the parents Ask me any questions to make the picture clearer to help understand situation better

Just curious if other parents of children from blended families deal with this issue, or if this is personality dependent. Do your kids ever apologize? Mine simply doesn’t, ever. I’ve exhibited empathy, and remorse, I apologize and talk things through with him. I genuinely cannot think of a time in six years that he’s ever apologized for anything. We’ve been through family therapy, individual therapy, parenting classes, etc. My SS (14) comes from a very violent and angry upbringing, BM and BD only married because of pregnancy, and things only got worse from there, they divorced when SS was 4 because BM cheated and BD ended up stationed in Japan for four years. Insert a string of new abusive husbands, alcohol fueled parties, etc. I entered the picture at 9, and he immediately clung to me. It hasn’t been all roses, but we do our best. I know he’s been through hell, and BM has always been dismissive, demeaning and belittling of him and his needs and feelings. So I don’t expect a lot, but I figure after nearly 6 years of having a good example in me and his dad, there’d be something? This morning I had to take his 21 month old sister and myself to urgent care as she had a fever and I had flu symptoms, I told him we were going to the doctor and he went to school. Her fever spiked to 105.4 so I left him a note saying where we’d be (BD is on work travel out of state) and told him what was up and headed to the ER. When I walked in the door, he greeted us and hadn’t read the note, so I told him what happened. He replied, “Well, you could’ve at least picked me up early and saved me from testing.” (Standardized EOY testing) I paused, looked at him, and replied “I was literally in the hospital with your sister for the last two hours.” He looked at me like I’d wounded him, and how dare I not get his joke, and walked away. I apologized later and explained I’m sick, and exhausted, and that I was sorry for being dismissive of him, testing sucks and I know it’s a tough week. He says, “It’s okay.” Am I wrong for expecting him to exhibit empathy, or an apology in return? And does anyone else experience this? Do I just stay the course and try to be patient with his circumstances? Is it just teenager crap?

My SO and I separated. Together almost three years; I have a child and he has two. It’s been almost a year and his kids (8,6) still text me every weekend they are with him. My daughter (6), has had such a rough time with the breakup. My SO loved her like his own and her right back at him. I love his kids and they love me. I mean we were about to move in, we were looking at where to buy a house for us. He’s pissy bc I’m sticking my ground and loving myself instead of being disrespected. So he wants me to tell his daughter that I’m getting a new phone and he’ll show his daughter and son the message when they next go to his house. I don’t know what to say.. she wasn’t getting my messages for about a month. He accused me of blocking her; which I didn’t. I’d never hurt them. Anyway, she told her dad I blocked her and he called me to be a jerkoff (even though he knew it was him who blocked me). She was crying bc I didn’t want to talk to her and blocked her. It BROKE my heart. This was just a week ago and now I have to give her some bogus story. I’d never cut her off and once my daughter figures it out; she’s going to be a mess again too. He’s mad at me and hurting our kids. I don’t want them to think they’ve done anything wrong or that I don’t love them anymore. I am just respecting what their father wants. What should I say without saying goodbye? I have to say something about I’m moving or I’m getting a new number. He’s not dumb, he knows if I were to say goodbye that his kids would be devastated and it wouldn’t be good. So he’s trying to make it a week by week thing and he somehow must think they’ll forget about my daughter and I. But here they are, 9 months later and they still contact me every other weekend. 😢 please help

Thoughts on not being invited to celebrations? This is my first relationship where my partner has a kid. My (27f) boyfriend (40m) (yes I know, the age gap throws everyone off not the point of this post) have been dating for over a year now. His son’s (11 years old) birthday is on Friday. His birthday party - planned by his BM is on Thursday. I dont feel like I need to attend, it’s just his friends and my boyfriend will not be attending due to work. However, they are all going out to dinner on Friday night. Is this normal to not be invited as a step parent to celebrate birthdays? Just bio parents? My friends are saying that it’s strange that I’m not invited to celebrate his birthday. I also was not invited to spend Christmas with them. Is it strange that they always celebrate as a “family” and do not include their partners? She has a boyfriend, who works out of town so he’s not always around.

DH has custody. BM has given up 7 weekends since the start of the year, didn’t take spring break, and is only planning on taking SD10 for 11 of her 42 days in the summer. But she wants to take SD on an insanely long trip to Disney world in October. SD will miss over a week of school.

But of course it will be “all our fault” if we say no. Apparently we are trying to sabotage their relationship by questioning if this is a good idea. Y’all, I can’t . Am I out of line for thinking this is an unreasonable ask?

I've been seeing someone for almost 8 months now. I absolutely love this woman, everything about her matches with me so well. But she does have a child that I get along great with them. As time has gone on and we speak of our future and I spend time with her daughter. I can't help but get this feeling that I can't picture a future with her daughter, just me and her.

Is this something that goes away with time? Or should I take this as a sign that I should end things and allow her to move on?

I’ll start off with she and I both have children from previous marriages I have a 21m and 17f she has a 7f and 14m. Relationships with all the children have been very good with the exception of the 14m, she and I have been together for four years now and recently got engaged to be married this year. 14m has been unpleasant, disrespectful, lying and sneaky since day one. I’ve tried like hell to talk to him, reason with him and even bargain with him. I’ve tried spending time with him working on projects together in the garage, playing sports with him, building model rockets, bought him a motorcycle so we can ride together and this kid just never ceases to amaze me how disrespectful and a liar he can be. Well he’s 14 now and got caught lying about where he was going to be so he could go spend the night with some girl. Long story short he’s upset at us because we took his phone away and call the little girls parents to let them know. I tried to talk to him and he doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say. All I want to do is kick the shit out of him like my dad would have done me for being so disrespectful. Help I can’t stand this kid and at this point I want nothing to do with him and frankly just can’t wait till he’s 18 so he can get out.

I’ve been dating my current girlfriend for 6 months now. I LOVE this woman and am IN LOVE with this woman. I’ve never connected with anyone to this degree while feeling 100% safe in the relationship as I do now. Everything is damn near perfect on a 1 on 1 level. However she has a 5 year old kid from her previous serious relationship. I was aware she had a kid before making it serious, so I wasn’t “blindsided” per se, but it’s impossible to understand the day to day life of a kid being present and how that changes the dynamic of the intimate relationship especially when you began dating on “kid free nights”. I’m only 26 and she’s 28, and I don’t have kids myself. Her as well as other single/separated mothers often say that’s important for their next significant other to “love her kids as if they’re their own”, but idk at times it seems impossible to even know how to experience that level of unconditional love if you don’t have your own kids. I have a great relationship with her kid. She really really likes me and I really like her! Her kid eagerly asks if I’m coming over on nights when I’m staying at my own place. I love laughing with, playing with, making things with, and memories with her and everything! However, it’s extremely draining. There are so many things I simply find myself annoyed with on a day to day basis. I work at an elementary school for a living. The last thing I want to do when I get home is watch a Disney movie for the 4th time in 5 nights instead of play my game. I don’t feel like being asked “why/howcome/what does that mean/ can we/ can I/ can you/ I need help with/I want to…” My “free” time feels extremely “community-like” until she falls asleep. Idk I’m just really big on decompression and silence as well as quality time with my partner ALONE and almost all of that seems stripped all at once. I know I want to be a father in the future and I’ll know when I’m ready to make the necessary sacrifices to have my own. But that doesn’t feel like now. But I’m torn because I can’t fathom leaving the woman I’m with now. So I guess I’m really asking does this sentiment I’m feeling go away? Can it be worked through? Or does it just become resentment that grows and grows?

My SO works on the road and stays in a hotel room. Our son (3) and I go stay with him sometimes but for long stretches at a time. Hes currently 4 hours away. SD (13) wants to go stay with us. I say bad idea. She already complains about my dinners at home let alone the limited things i have to make in a hotel room, its a small town with nothing to do. My 3 year old and I go to the library or park daily for at least two hours at a time. Wed all be crammed in a small hotel room. If it was an apartment or house i wouldnt have an issue with ut. So am i wrong for not wanting to bring her.

My BF has a 17 year old daughter. Let’s call her Anna. I have been with him for 4 years and I have known her for a few years. Anna is with us every other week and lives with her BM/SD half the time. Anna and I are very close and she accepts/respects me which is something I’m truly grateful for.

Unfortunately, Anna’s SD is a huge walking narcissist/red flag and BM enables his behavior and stays in this toxic-abusive relationship. Anna and BM are basically trauma bonded and she has pretty much expressed that she will most likely to continue to live half of her time with them because she doesn’t want to leave her mom. Anna vents from time to time on how awful her SD is/living there, and how she has complained to her mom about the toxicness..Anna knows from all of the therapists she’s seen that the SD is never going to change and she needs to put her needs before her mom’s.

My BF and I have been encouraging this as well but we are getting to the point where we are throwing in the towel, especially me and my BF is supportive of this because he doesn’t want me to have any resentment towards her. I love Anna and of course want the best for her, but I’m not going to overthink and feel so bad about this situation because I also have my needs. Can’t help someone who won’t help themselves unfortunately. Can anyone else relate? Thanks for letting me vent.

Advice on how to overcome some of it...?

Hey Step Parents,

I want to know how I can support my partner through this and what we can do to support SD too (4F).

Last week we were picking SD up from her mums when her mum said "SD are you gonna tell dad or am I?" in a very passive aggressive tone - we both assumed SD has been in trouble at school again. SD got very uncomfortable and BM told us SD doesn't want to come and see us anymore because she doesn't get to spend anytime with mum.

I was livid.

SD lives with BM and Dad only sees her Wednesday evenings (5-8pm) Friday overnight from 5pm, takes SD to swimming lessons 8am Saturday and drops her home to mum by 9am Saturday. He gets her through to Sunday EOWE.

They do not have a court order, this is just to suit her work schedule (back when she was working). (He could do 50/50 but she won't allow it)

It is very obvious to us that SD feels ignored by her mum, especially since moving back in with her new BD and having a newborn baby (5mnths). Her mum never plays with her and never takes her anywhere, and esp since having bub she uses that as her excuse to say no to SD. I feel so bad for SD, she loves quality time and her mum just hands her an ipad.

Anyway we gently did try to explain to SD that she only sees dad 2 days out of the week and that she feels this way because Mum doesn't play with her. Was shit but it needed to be said, there was literally no other excuse we could have given her. We then reassured SD that mum shouldn't have put SD on the spot like that and that it should have been a grown ups conversation without her (or me tbh) there.

Do we reduce Dads custody even less until SD asks to see him??

Do we continue custody as usual?

Should he make a stand and demand 50/50 custody? He pays well above legally required child support.

I know he HAS to have that awkward conversation with BM and say look you are borderline neglecting SD and THATS the reason she feels she's not spending time with you, I just know it'll bite dad in the ass cause BM is an angry person.

SD has serious behavioural issues since moving back in with BM new BD to the point where she's going to be expelled from her school because of the tantrums but she's never like that with us. I wholeheartedly believe this child acts out with her mother is because she does not feel seen or heard.

This had made us start to make arrangements to be even closer to SD so we can request 50/50 or even just more than what we currently have.

How can we support SD?

How can I support Dad?

First time poster on here. When my husband and I first got together things were great. We had such a huge connection and he showed me so much love and affection but 2 months into the marriage he went through a bad depression. He says him smoking weed caused dissociation and brain fog that lasted months. I also got pregnant one month after getting married so suddenly he stopped showing me affection. He wouldn’t kiss me as much, he wouldn’t cuddle me, he wouldn’t hold my hand or hug me. He said because of the brain fog it affected him and felt like he couldn’t show me affection but when it came to his SD (5) he never once stopped showing her affection. He’s always cuddling her when he and I are in bed together, he kisses her often, tells her he loves her multiple times a day, always stroking her hair and showing her so much affection. The kind he used to show me when we first got together. Now I don’t get jealous because he shows her that kind of love. She deserves it and I believe all kids should be shown that kind of affection by their parent because when I was her age my father wouldn’t even look at me let alone hug me. I’m jealous that it’s so easy for him to show her affection but when it comes to me it’s so hard for him to show me even the slightest of affections. The only time we kiss is in the morning and at night and then when he comes home from work. Obviously seeing him treat his daughter that way also triggers my inner child because that’s the kind of father I wanted at her age but I don’t hold it against her. Also the few moments he does show me affection she gets SO mad and screams and cries until she gets attention again. When we kissed on our wedding day she screamed bloody murder and had to be taken away so we could enjoy our moment. Anyways, my husband says I’m jealous and overreacting and that it’s weird to be jealous of his daughter but I need some input on what others think?

How do I tell my SD (22) that I am disengaging from her? I feel like there is just no saving our relationship, that once was extremely close, and I don't have the energy to continue to try anymore. It's affecting my mental health and my ability to be a mom to my two younger daughters.

I've talked to my husband about it and have explained my thoughts and feelings about it. He fully supports me and wants me to do what's best for me.

Obviously she's still welcome to our home and to have a relationship with her sisters. I don't wish her ill, I actually wish her well and hope she gets what she wants in life.

How do I let all this be known?

My SO has a very hard relationship with his ex and BM of SS6. She blocks him from video calls during the week and we have him most weekends. At Christmas, she had SS for 3 weeks straight and my SO could barely think he was so sad. I went into labor and miraculously, SS was calling on video. There was no way they could have known so truly it was just a bad coincidence. SO asked me if he could please pick up.

My previous labor was extremely traumatic. I lost my child. I explained to SO many times over that I needed calm and peace and to be able to mentally deal somehow. Out of trying to be kind between contractions, I agreed he could pick up. Hearing SS voice made me full of rage. That SS was more important than me even during fucking labor. THEN SO asked me if he could turn the camera because SS was curious about labor. Luckily I was in too much pain to reach out and murder my SO, who turned the phone around on me. How fucking dare he.

Now every time I see SS annoying face and hear his voice, it takes me back to that exact moment in time. SO has apologised but it’s not enough. I want my labor back, and I feel like I put my body through torture only to be put in second place again and again. Any advice about these feelings is deeply appreciated.

For the most part, DH and BM have a civil, decent relationship. Definitely not high-conflict (thank goodness!). As someone perpetually on the outside of decisionmaking regarding SKs but affected by those decisions, I've had to work pretty hard on letting go and going with the flow, and I'm doing okay at it of the time. But nonetheless stuff does come up that just kills me.

This week's example:

SD10 last year started liking a sport. This spring, BM took SD10 to try out for the competitive team, which she made. SD10 is really excited! It's great that our budding couch potato is getting really into a physical activity, and that she gets to do something she enjoys and is good at and is willing to invest dedicated effort into. So far, so good.

BUT. Big but. DH finds out last week that oh, by the way, the team has a REALLY EXPENSIVE up front cost BM hadn't told him about until now, and his part is due ASAP.

DH can't afford this giant surprise payment BM committed him to. Especially not right now because it's a really strapped month for unrelated reasons.

DH isn't going to say "no, SD10 has to quit this team she's super happy with and is good for her, just because I can't afford it." I don't want her to have to quit the team, either. It would break her heart and this is a really good thing for her for so many reasons! We are all excited she's so into this and I'm proud of her for taking the next step in the sport.

So the only solution besides making SD10 quit the team is to find a way to pay for it. To do so, DH will need to work extra hours until late at night every night for over a month straight.

Because of choices I don't get to be part of or have any input into, for five weeks I will basically only get to see DH during weekend kid time, the only time he is not working. And DH is stressed and unhappy and exhausted already, one week in, so he's not going to have any energy for any of us even when he is home.

I am happy for SD. I respect DH for working so hard to provide. But I want to cry because we've only just started this stretch and already I feel so alone.

A week before Mother’s Day, when the BM was coming to pick up my SS for her day, I brought up the topic of Mother’s Day so we could go into the week with plans and all be on the same page. Per the parenting time schedule 5/12 would’ve been my DH’s day with his son, but we always want the BM or BD to spend mother’s/Father’s Day with the respective BP.

Before she could check her work schedule she claimed to want me to also see my SS on Mother’s Day. I have never demanded or requested to see him on any Mother’s Day including this one. She was scheduled to work the lunch shift so, my DH and I said for her to call or text us when she was done working so that we could make sure she sees her son. The whole week went by without any word from her, not even a single acknowledgment or response to any text sent by my DH to get an update. So, Sunday morning we headed out to pick him up, sent the “on our way” text, and immediately got the response of, “For what?” And separately, “it’s Mother’s Day.”

Long story short, she got on me about how it’s her day and not mine and that it’s always been her day, and that it’s not her responsibility to tell us about her schedule changes. She never agreed that it was her idea for her son to see me that day.

I’ll end this vent with an ask for advice on this situation. The BM is diagnosed with bipolar depression, and she doesn’t know that her husband told me or my husband this. In reflection, I realized that she is probably going through an episode, and that I should probably be empathic to the situation. I need suggestions on how to do that, please. How do you show empathy to a person that doesn’t know that you know what’s going on?

SD turns 18 today. Husband wants me to go to her bday dinner. She told me two years ago that she has never liked me, never will, and will never think of me as family. Nothing on my behalf prompted this. I've always been available and helpful for whatever she needs, as her mom is MIA and her dad is never really available. My feelings were incredibly hurt and she never apologized. And my husband never intervened for us to have a discussion. So I have taken it that she is just not a fan of me (probably projection from her bio mom, but it still hurts) so I have backed off and we mutually ignore each other. I do not believe she would even want me there. So I don't think I should go and really don't want to. I have been a good stepmother to her for 13 years but tired of being the doormat. If I don't go, am I an a**hole?

My partner of 18 months has kids, and I've been thinking that I would be a step parent in future.

But his BM has forbidden him telling the kids he's dating anyone, ever. Also, she refuses to let him talk to the kids about the split, not the details but the basic: "we don't love each other, but we still love you" type conversation.

Cos I haven't got kids I don't know if that's weird, it feels weird! And surely it's difficult for the kids to understand what's happened. And selfishly, it's also impossible for us to plan a future together. But I also don't know if this is all very normal when you're a parent. What's your thoughts?

My boyfriend (31m) me (29f)-my boyfriends son is (8m) we’ll call him Jack. I’ve been dating my BF for almost 3 years now. Jack adores me, we have an amazing relationship. My BF and his baby mama have 50/50 custody; anyways need advice on how to deal with her toxicity. My BF deals with her communication wise, they only text. Her and I have no communication. However she hates me & tells my BF she does not want me picking up Jack. We live in a different city so we meet half way. My BF works late so I pick up Jack, we also have one car. She also keeps texting my BF telling him she doesn’t want me involved in any decisions about Jack. Which my BF and I communicate on things like education/discipline etc in our home. I should add Jacks mother has 6 other kids with multiple men, recently just had another baby secretly in her home while the children were there. Children are all under 13; they all share a two bedroom home with the mom & her boyfriend. It’s a terrible living situation, Jack has been held back, could not read or write and he’s 8. Luckily with the joint custody he’s had more time at our house & he’s been getting more education. The custody just got agreed on end of last year. We’re trying to have him in school in the town where we live so he can have a better education but his mom is keeping him from doing so at every turn. Anytime we do anything good for Jack she wants us not to do so & has to be in control. She got mad at my BF for getting Jack glasses, taking him to the dentist for the very first time. Things to better Jack and she fights us at every turn. The custody is being readdressed in a few months so we’re hoping for more custody but in the mean time how to deal with the bio mom? It’s so hard on me, I don’t communicate with her but yet she still doesn’t want me involved when I’m with Jacks dad.

I (45f/CF) have been very adamant to my SO (35m) that although we have had the SKs (twins/elementary) for the past year full time with ZERO assistance from their BM that Mother’s Day was for “Mom” and I didn’t want the kids pressured into feeling like they “had” to do something for me.

Then Sunday comes and I’m greeted with a card and flowers. My SD was so very excited. She asked and picked out the flowers herself and her “school” Mother’s Day card was made specifically for me. She told me I was the best myfirstnamewithay (so same ending sound as daddy or mommy) and that she was so happy that I picked her to love. 😭😭😭😭😭

I know years will come when both SKs will not celebrate me on Mother’s Day and that’s ok because we will never make it feel like a “have” to do or a “guilt” to do.

I’m cherishing this card forever (her brother made his for mom with is sooooo OK). It makes this card so much more special because it genuinely came from a place of love from a little girl that I adore.

How are things since you've left? I'm in the process but we're still living together

It's like I have to make a choice to leave again every single day, it feels incredibly hard

We're at a complete impasse. He won't go to therapy or do the work I need him to do so I can feel some sense of safety that he'll work on the things that have broken us. But he's here telling me I am expecting too much, I was trying to control him etc.

He's also being kind and patient. It's hard when you see the good things - but I also see the bad, everyday.

I'm just completely exhausted and burnt out. I've got nothing left to give to this. It's been one drama after another after another and I just don't have anything left in me for it. My life is drama free other than him, his kids and his ex. Go figure

Stepdaughter (SD) lives primarily with her mother. Husband and I just found out she is attending the wrong middle school. Clearly her mother is aware bc she has not updated the address on the school records. Both schools are equally rated and very similar in structure. Her mother tries to be her "best-friend" - so if your mom is your best friend, who is your mother??? I know SD would be devastated to have to change schools, but better sooner than later, right? I say, do the right thing and make it right by enrolling her in the correct school at the start of the next year. That way, the disruption won't be as severe as it would be mid-stream. Its bound to get found out anyway. At this point, mother doesn't know that we know. I thought about approaching mother to say, hey, we know it'll be difficult, but we'll be here to help and be supportive. But then I thought, what if she keeps lying about their address and it gets found out anyway.... she'll think it was me that reported it. So I thought, I could just nip it in the bud by anonymously reporting it prior to next school year. But then I thought, that would be a hand-written invitation for karma to pay me back - I would swear that every bullshit thing that happened to me after thay was a result of me reporting it. Anyway, I'm just trying to minimize the impact on my SD. THOUGHTS???

My patience is worn so incredibly thin and today's events were the last straw. Can I get some advice please. My step daughters use these horrible body care products that mainstream society is ignorant to how toxic and harmful they can be. Frankly, if someone wants to poison themselves, then that is not my business. And I get it, when I was their age I was into all the synthetically fragranced lotions and body care. But these Bath and Body Works and Victoria's Secret sprays and hair care give me headaches and are nauseating to smell. They literally will wake me out of my sleep because I'm so sensitive and such a light sleeper as it is. I've nicely and apologetically (as usual) asked the kids to spray them outside when they are about to leave, but they either forget or think I won't notice if I'm asleep. Or it might be just their hairspray.

Next, my cat's only accessible litterbox in the middle of the night is the one in the guest bathroom which the kids use. Our only other bathroom is the master bathroom which is inside our bedroom, so that doesn't work for various reasons. Anyways, the kids shut the guest bathroom door in the middle of the night, so my cat didn't have access if she needed it. I'm just furious. My cat is my child and the one guaranteed joy in my life, and I hate that she has to endure any discomfort at the hands of the family I married into. I put a sign on the door to remind the kids to always leave the bathroom door open when they aren't using it, but they don't remember.

My husband isn't good at reminding them, and he also thinks asking the kids to shut their bedroom door while using their hairspray is controlling.

After spending so much time tending to my in-laws (trips and seeing them multiple times a week), my 1 year anniversary overlapping with Mother's Day weekend and having the kids, dealing with BM constantly dropping the kids on us last minute including on our anniversary weekend, pure exhaustion and sleep deprivation, this garbage has me crying and wanting to scream.

Husband, this is why I hate when your kids come to our house.

Edit: we have 2 litterboxes for the baby. One in our bedroom's bathroom and one in the guest bathroom. When she is in my room and the door is shut, she always has access to that litter box. When we sleep, we did have her in the guest bathroom, but it bothered me that she was stuck in there when the kids use it. So we have been letting her roam free in the living room at night. The main reason we put her in the bathroom was because she would meow to come in our room, and I can't sleep with her. Now we have her roaming free in the living room (i got a super loud white noise machine to drown out sound), but the kids need to keep that bathroom door open after they use the restroom in the middle of the night. I brought the litterbox into the living room, but it makes a huge mess and she is constantly having her set up changed, with isn't fair to her. She lives here full time and deserves a comfortable routine like everyone else.

Edit: sloppy bioparents that don't believe in guiding children, having limits, gently but firmly correcting children's behaviors that affect other people, please downvote any where I leave a comment on this thread, so we can get a solid head count 🤪