I’ll try and make this to the point. Married in 2015. Everything seemed normal similar life goals, build a family etc. A year later she wanted to start fertility testing. I initially refused, I said “I don’t want to get my semen tested, I don’t want to have any fertility testing done. I don’t want to know. If there is a problem and we start down this testing path it places blame on one person more than the other. I think we should let go and let god do his work. We will be blessed with a child when it’s the right time.”

Nope just couldn’t listen. Overly emotional and she needed to know why. 8 years later. Ended up doing 3 rounds of timed cycles, 3 rounds of iui, 2 rounds ivf, and left with 3 embryos I again said not to test. Transfer and keep going. Nope doesn’t listen. FYI genetic testing is a scam. A $10k one. 1 embryo couldn’t be tested bad sample etc. 2 tested possible problems. Transfer the 1. Then all hell broke loose. Miscarriage, trip to the mental hospital, she was a teacher. Didn’t go to work for an entire year. Fake suicide threat for attention. Wouldn’t drive for 6 months, had knifes and pills put in the safe? Wtf. Basically it was all on me. I was basically a baby sitter for a year and then 2 more. Spoiled brat always leaning on someone.

I kept my promise for better or worse in sickness and health. She was sick. She is still Sick. The lust for a baby consumed her. A shell of the person I once married. Long term depression, shrunk hippocampus and prefrontal cortex. Couldn’t remember crap and couldn’t make decisions. Again all on me. It was infuriating and a 99% relationship on me. I cooked 95% of the time I cleaned the house, I paid the bills, I ran a business I built from zero.

I made all the money, hell I had a paid off house before I married, 997 turbo 6spd coupe, king ranch f250, work truck, furniture, house full of stuff. She had basically nothing. Lived at my house for 2 years before marriage for $300 a month while she paid off $100k in student loan debt. She had my Amex and basically nothing worries ever. I handled it.

Now, she drained me of my mental energy for years with this physcobabble crap. I never grew the business more than the day I married. This lunatic just wasted my 30’s on quest for a baby. Ohh and get this my semen is good. I was not the problem. She was.

18 months ago I say I done with the business. I want out and I don’t like it. I get a 335 on the GRE and tell her pack your stuff we are moving and I’m going to law school for free. She wants to move to a liberal state. I said no let’s look at these 10 schools and make a decision. She just wants to move by her brother with the niece and nephews. If you can’t have kids just try and steal your brothers lol. With in four weeks of me wrecking the gre at 40 mind you. I get a phone call from her. I’m going to my parents for a few days. I said WTF raised my voice for a sec then chilled real quick. She talked for a 20-30 secs. “I’m taking my dog etc” I said ok whatever. She said something else. I said ok whatever. At this point I just sick of it. Complain complain complain. Never anything positive to say.

Blocks my number two days later. Has me served with papers wanting everything. My business. lol she doesn’t know anything about it nor how to run it. Plus it’s separate property. Wants the house etc. My dogs. I lawyer up and it’s been 16 months. She has some clown attorney asked for all this paperwork. Financials out the you know what. I seriously produced around 10,000 pages. They threatened a forensic accountant etc.

I saw her at the temp orders hearing having a panic attack. Hiding in a room. Wouldn’t make eye contact with me. Tried to sell my cars, house etc. I kept it all. Nothing sold.

It’s now been 16 months of her wasting my time, money etc. I like f…k really you wasted my thirties and now you want to waste another 2 years of my life over stuff you know I owned before marriage.

I pissed what kind of a piece of crap person doesn’t want to just make a phone call and work it out. A greedy money hungry one. I won’t give stuff away I worked my butt off for so wtf.

How the hell do I move on without closure? I want to yell at her and her family for raising such a worthless person. They are all hiding, her parents sold their house and moved to liberal state full time and now she’s out there. I don’t think this is anything close to right. How do you treat me like this when I have supported every step of your craziness?

Lived with her before we were married. She had a condo from her ex. He walked away and left it. (I should have seen that giant red flag but here we are). We got married years later. We then sold the condo and used the equity for a large down-payment on our joint home. Divorcing now. She can't buy me out. (never got a job the entire time we've been in this house and hasn't contributed a penny to it since) I don't want it. She wants the deposit back as part of the divorce agreement. In WA state. I thought it would be considered a community asset/property but am wondering if it's likely she would be awarded that. She also wants alimony after 'opening the relationship' to cheat on me.

Clarification, I was also paying more than half the mortgage on the condo but it was in her name.

Why am I writing here? I'm 24. I'm too young for this. I have spent the last 2 years bleeding my heart out to support him and help his two kids. He's older than me. 38.

The two kids have been violent from the get-go. I'm in love and I let it slide. Oh, it'll get better. Fairytale ideas.

His daughter (10F) has been committed to psych wards three times in the last six months for violence towards us. Violence where she would have to be pinned down while she tried to hurt us for hours. (There's a genetic disorder she has that makes her muscle two times stronger than other kids. Basically a teenager attacking) PTSD worthy. He can't choose me over his own blood.

I am afraid in my own home. My body seizes up entering the home. I've been at Airbnbs so I can feel safe again. My husband has been so kind and so caring during this all. I have mental health issues and he helped me out of the funk of possible suicide/homelessness before we married. He cares and dotes on me, asking me what I need, the sweetest human being I've known. He can't give up his kid though.

I don't think I have much left to give since I get flashbacks of his daughter going to stab me with a pencil and wrestling it out of her hands. I'm afraid of her. I'm planning on living with female roommates. I'm applying for disability because I have 3 health conditions and 8 mental health conditions. I don't think I can get through financially. I own two cats, so I can't just stay in a car (I don't even have a car).

My family is extremely abusive and beat me up a lot. I don't know where to go. My husband says that if I divorce him, he'll support me as long as he can. We have zero kids together. I'm unable to have them.

He's disgusted I even said he should send his daughter to be with her mom. Her mom is neglectful and honestly crazy. I thought he'd care for me, see how nuts I was going, see how afraid I was to be at home, but choosing a wife over a daughter. It's not realistic.

Every time I see the guy, I forget I want to leave. I'm afraid I won't find a love like this again. I want to lay down and give up. I'm literally a wuss.

He won't divorce me. I'm gonna have to do it. First, going to live separate, then going to break it off. I love him and he loves me too. I just can't break myself to pieces for him to live. Not light myself on fire to keep him warm.

Anybody give me advice. I am alone and don't have friends. I am terrified and scared to leave.

Edit: I've been a stay at home to his kids for the past three years and done everything possible to help them mentally.... while getting beat up.

An ex-wife here. It's been two years so I've been able to finally process the entire hell my ex-husband put me through. I saw his posts on here immediately during the aftermath seeking sympathy after I asked for a divorce, bit my tongue to all of "our" friends and now I'm comfortable enough to say my piece. 

My exhusband and I met when we were in our mid 20's, married after a year long engagement. He lied to me and admitted it from the start. Why was that not a red flag at the beginning? I couldn't tell you. I wish I hadn't been so young to be dazzled by the "love."

He wrote on here that he was shocked and the divorce request came completely out of the blue. Many of you were sympathetic, giving words of advice to lift him out of a bad place. That hurt in the beginning, because it's so easy to go online anonymously and tell someone that their spouse was cruel. Uncaring. How dare they blindside you like that! I must have been cheating! 

I didn't blindside him. I tried for years to bring up problems. He wanted a threesome? Hey I wasn't into that, can we please stop making profiles on dating sites? Nope. He kept doing it. My grandmother passed away, I needed him, and told him, and he chose going to a cookout with a club instead of going to the funeral. Every single problem I brought up was met with a "chill out" or a "it was just a joke" or a "why are you so uptight?" "you're such a pretentious bitch!" or my favorite: "i'm just trying to have fun and you're making me do housework."

I didn't cheat. I planned my escape. I kept silent. I rallied my friends and family. I made a plan -- he had access to guns and an anger issue and I was fucking TERRIFIED. That's right! The same person you were telling that I was cruel for shocking him was incredibly horrific to me. He forced me to participate in sexual acts I expressly told him I did not want to do, he called me a dumb bitch every single day, he took every opportunity to embarass me in front of friends and acquaintances, he would joke about raping me when I was asleep and thought it was fucking hilarious, he depended on my paycheck but then would turn around and blame me for financial problems while he was buying a gadget he'd never use on Amazon every other day. He. Was. Abusive.

Blindsiding my ex-husband and making a safe plan to get out of the marriage was the best thing I ever did. The healing process is long, and it isn't easy. I'm on the path to it and I hope people reading this are too.

I think I failed in life! I see at my cousins with kids celebrating diwali while I sit in my house drinking beer and consoling my dog who was way too irritated by the fireworks. I mean he loves me too and I guess thats enough but I always wanted kids. I always wanted a wife who could atleast bother to feel me. I always wanted the festivals to be for once days of joy! Ive always had stressful festivals, earlier because my dad passed away in my engineering and later becuase of the tiff between my wife and my mother. At this point I feel I lost everything. But hey I told myself, its better to feel alone , alone than to be with someone and feel alone. Getting blamed for everything that went wrong in the relationship was okay, getting asked to pay monthly expenses was okay, getting said that i wasnt man enough for her to get turn on was okay, but getting blamed for not trying wasnt. My God knows how much i have tried, but if you dont say whats in your mind or whats making you upset how will I know? I have so much on my head, bills, emis, taking care of day to day, work, while you sit moping about what I did, and not wanting to communicate and then blame it all on me.

I know things will get better, i know ill be okay, i know everything will be better, but right now, i feel like that broken string of a guitar, that broke and hurt the musician.

My mother and my sister keep asking me if i am eating well or i am able to handle the day to day things, and everything is perfect. I keep telling them that this is not what I wanted a wife for (was blamed to keep my wife from working and as a maid by her mother while I did everything for her and she never wanted to work) I always said that the things that a maid can do, offload it. Do something you want to do.

Its amazing how we men, trust our wives, they pursue us, we finally burst our bubble and open up becuase we start feeling safe, and then in the very next fight they use the same thing we say to their benefit. Whats the point of opening up then? What is a safe place in the first place then?

At times I keep hyperventilating not thinking about what happened, but thinking I try to much. My wife says i come off too strong and that makes people unhappy and uncomfortable, and that breaks me so much becuase I have never thought bad about anyone and always tried to help everyone. Now I stay numb. There are days i dont talk to anyone but my mother and sister. My goldie keeps my routine. My work keeps me a little sane. But i do have days like this where I feel lost, in pain, not been able to say anything, broken, unlovable and I feel how can someone love a person who is so broken?

I feel so ashamed but for the past year, I basically fantasize about leaving my husband every time he picks an argument (which is nearly every day).

I have tried asking him to work on his tone, to interrupt less, to swear less, to not yell at me in front of the kids or when all the windows are open, not to criticize/correct me in front of my friends AND alone, not to say certain things he knows hurt my feelings/are major triggers. All of it falls on deaf ears. If I say he’s hurting my feelings and overwhelming me, I’m supposed to provide examples with dates and times and accuracy. Suddenly being “nice” is subjective and he can argue that he’s not “being mean” after screaming at me, slamming the door in my face, punching a TV so hard it breaks and walking in while I’m doing bath time to get a reaction out of me. Somehow I’m the problem and I’m not doing the right things or asking in the right way to get the kind of basic respectful communication I’m asking for.

I am so tired of walking on eggshells. Of waking up and being asked “why” questions before I’ve even put my glasses on or gotten out of bed. Of bringing up something cheerfully and having it met with some kind of gloom and doom response. Of being told that me shutting down as a trauma response after being yelled at - and saying I’m doing so - is HIS trigger and then when he pops off I’m supposed to help, and be compassionate and sympathetic. Of getting yelling at in front of the kids, loud enough that the neighbors know it happens so we get invited to things less. Of breaking down crying every day after being berated with criticism and questions and cross-examinations over stupid, pointless, benign domestic things like the dishwasher loading or leaving the kid’s shoes out or forgetting to add chemicals to the pool and him sneering at me and saying “I just don’t know what you want because you don’t ask for help” and “do you want a hug or something? I can’t read your mind” The narrative he spins is that he just wants to give me the world but I won’t tell him what I need, won’t ask for help and let him help me out, that I’m too stubborn and independent and don’t act like a teammate when here he is, just waiting for me to boss him around and I won’t do it, here he is, the knight who just wants to be told what to do, can’t just look around and pitch in because “that’s not what partners do”. Everything in the day needs to be planned down to the time we wake up and GET OUT OF BED or he considers the whole day wasted, ruined, might as well say fuck it because I don’t care enough to follow the plan anyway, I hate planning, I have no management skills, I don’t care about our family…….. not that I have 2 under 2 that I’m juggling with very little emotional support, zero financial support, and am still struggling with my own body’s physical and emotional changes but am expected to be the nucleus to our sudden family of 4?

Exhausted of having panic attacks and blaming everything on PPD and PPA - which I was diagnosed for, have cycled through several medications for, and did therapy for - up until he got laid off 6 months ago and won’t get a new job or EVEN FILE UNEMPLOYMENT out of spite because he thinks I won’t sit down and plan the future out with him. When in reality I’ve sat down several times at his request and laid out what I want from both of us for the next few months while we try to pull it together. I’ve been the ONLY source of income since the summer out of sheer desperation. Have pulled 75% of my inheritance (pre- marriage) out to try to float our endless house issues and now just our lack of income to tide us by until he lands a job. I planned a day of watching the kids and supported him for his big job interview today - which actually turns out is next week! Can’t even get that straight! And then the self-loathing starts, so I need to help gas him up in that department because I’m not supportive enough. And I just must not care since I don’t know how to broach convos about things like budgets.

I know I’m rambling and I doubt anyone will even read this. If my friend was going through this, I would say to leave. But none of my friends have kids, and the few that do have so much familial support nearby while I have none.

I don’t know if the person I thought I married can come back, or if he’s just showing me who he really was all along, we just never went through anything stressful enough to bring out who is actually is. A pessimistic, negative, grudge-holding miser. Someone who just wants to follow orders and not make any decisions. I see the light in him frequently enough to give me bits of hope that this is just the hard part about becoming parents, that we can buckle down and get jobs and be good parents for our two beautiful, sweet babies, who deserve better.

But more, I’m just a coward and scared to leave. I don’t even know where to start. We have an expensive mortgage in a VHCOL place with no friends or family nearby. I don’t want to hire a lawyer because we are house poor. I don’t want all of MY money I brought to the marriage (inheritance) and funneled into our house (and supporting us in the in-between times) to evaporate, while he gets to keep his 401k with over 200k. I don’t want to worry about my kids being cared for 100% if I’m not there to step in when I don’t think he’s doing an adequate job. I don’t want to admit to my family and friends that they shelled out time and money to come watch us giggle and hold hands on a mountain and slow dance, just to back out less than 5 years later. I don’t want to move back in with my parents, who I know would take me and the kids, but in a state where I’d make barely any money in my field and therefore probably never be able to own a house again. I don’t want to date someone new, meet someone else’s family, have sex with someone new, hope for the only good traits about him to materialize in someone else who is calmer and nicer and… idk, not on the spectrum. I don’t want to sort out childcare and have to work overtime, and I DONT want to support him since he makes 2x the money but just won’t get a job out of laziness and spite, and I’m worried I’ll owe alimony. I’m worried that because he’s savvier than me with legal stuff, I’ll somehow get screwed in the sale of our house. I’m stressed about dividing up all the stuff and where everything goes. I don’t know anyone who’s done this and I don’t know who to talk to.

I’m sad that I’ve basically revealed all of this to him, in and out of couple’s therapy, and he’s shrugged and said if it would make me happier to leave, then leave - that he wants to make it work, but it’s up to me. It’s always up to me.

My ex and I divorced 5 months ago after 20 years together (16 married). Up until last month, she was saying she wanted to date me and try to make it work again (I filed after she cheated).
She told me last week that she’s been seeing a new guy for the last two months.
She told me today that she wants to introduce him to the kids at thanksgiving (her holiday with kids).

I think she’s moving way too fast and I’m concerned for my kids.
I asked some questions, she won’t answer them. She won’t tell me anything about the guy other than his first name and that he lives near a city about 3 hours away. They met at a concert. I did the math. 2 months, 8 weekends. She has the kids every other weekend. So 4 times she could’ve been around this guy in person. Less than two weeks. I’m concerned because she doesn’t know this guy yet.

She claims she ran a background check on the guy, but won’t share any info.

My ex went a little nuts (to me) after the divorce. Changing her career, her entire wardrobe (dresses like a teenager again as a 37 year old woman). Getting all tatted up. Taking the summer off of work, going to concerts every weekend, etc. my oldest (13, girl) has complained about how self centers her mom has become and how much she (13 yo) has to do to take care of her younger sibs (8 (m), 7(f))

How did you all deal with situations like this? I’m worried about my kids safety with a stranger and an ex that has behaved erratically since before the divorce.
I know I can’t do anything about this, but how do I come to peace with it?

My soon to be ex and I have been separated since April 2024, and I can’t seem to find any information on how soon I can file paperwork for a divorce. I know we have to be separated for at least a year before a divorce is granted, but am I able to at least file the paperwork now so by the time it has been a year since we separated, we can be officially divorced?

Wife and I are both early 40s and have been married for over 20 years. No offspring. Much of our marriage has had problems of one kind or another, but we've always "made it work." Somewhere around 12 years in she had an affair, and it wasn't a one time thing. I didn't know about it while it was happening because I never had any reason to be suspicious of her and didn't think she would ever do anything like that. For some reason, she decided to tell me about it and that changed my whole view of her. I forgave her after some time. Several years later there was a guy I was suspicious of, and she kept saying they were just friends and I was crazy for thinking anything. Turns out my suspicions were warranted because she had an affair with him later on. Again I forgave her. Since then there have been several guys that she would get attached to through social media to the point it was an "online affair." I always forgave her because she is a skilled linguist and has a way of twisting what you think and say so I thought it was somehow my fault that this kept happening. Now, I wasn't a saint, and I did things I shouldn't as far as online browsing habits and talking to random people online in ways I shouldn't, but I never had an emotional or physical affair. She convinced me that these things are why she would seek other men. Fast forward another few years and she ends up in some legal situation that wasn't her fault that it started, but she definitely made it worse and our relationship starting getting worse as a result. We started fighting a lot. She has a way of being able to turn anything into an argument. How I worded something. Something I didn't do. Some misunderstanding. Never in these arguments was an apology enough. Intentions never mattered. Explanations of what actually happened or what I actually meant never mattered. These fights would go for hours and I would always admit to something I didn't do wrong and apologize just to make it stop (which didn't stop the argument right away anyway). After a couple years of this pattern and talking to some people, I decided I wouldn't take the blame anymore for something I didn't do, which made arguments longer and worse. At some point, a few hours into one of these arguments, about a year ago, I snapped and yelled "I want a fucking divorce, I can't take this anymore." To which she played the victim and I eventually apologized and said I didn't mean it, even though I really did mean it. This happened several more times, before she decided I had an anger problem and told me I needed to go to therapy for it, which I did, and it didn't help. The therapists I saw would mostly agree that I didn't have an anger problem, per se, but I was a person at my breaking point. Nevertheless, we talked about coping skills and techniques to calm down and all that anger management stuff. None of that improved our relationship. We still fight all the time and most of the time I have no idea how it got there and how it escalated. It's misery when an argument is happening and nothing I say makes a difference. Now she is telling me that I am so bad that I need to change or I need to leave. I have been doing the best I can to improve our relationship, but it feels so one sided. Everything is what I need to change, what I need to do. Nothing is ever her fault. I don't think things will get better and the lovely state I live in requires a year of separate residence before you can get a divorce. I can't afford that. I'm the only one that works and it's barely enough for pay all the bills and credit cards. I can't afford to pay for another place to live. It's like this state is trying to make it as hard as possible for people without a ton of money to get divorced. I've thought about using her affairs to speed up the process, but I don't know what kind of evidence is needed and I don't really want that information out there (that she had affairs). Despite everything I try not to talk bad about her to anyone and I wouldn't after a divorce either. Though she thinks I would. And I'm torn about whether or not she'd try to take all she could get. In past conversations she has said she wouldn't, but then things come up in other people's relationships where she basically advises them to take as much as they can and make the guy suffer as much as possible. And since she doesn't work, she has said she would get alimony, plus half of everything including my retirement. It's like I'm fucked no matter what. I don't know what to do or where to go. She also has mental health issues and takes a lot of expensive medications, that without my insurance, she wouldn't be able to get. So I feel bad about that too. It feels like there's no way out.

First time actually active on reddit, I want to get this off my chest…long story short, my wife keeps moving out the house to her moms house whenever we get into disagreements, but this time I was upset that she was leaving me again and during time away i made a decision and I divorced my wife, in process of divorce, immediately after few weeks gained clarity and regretted my decision but she is sticking with it and going through with divorce saying she’s been mentally checked out. I miss her so much, November 1st its her birthday today, i tried winning her back via phone call, text and in person but she’s somehow became so repelling and blocked me to leave her alone, i am respecting her wishes, but dame miss her so much, crying breaking down every dame day when these emotions hit, still living in same apartment as we both together live in first apartment I got for us, together for over 3 yrs but married for almost two years. I never thought it would get to this point, always thought we’d grow old together.

I’m (23F) pretty sure my husband (30M) is abusing me. I think I want to leave him, but we have a 2 year old boy, who is the absolute joy of my life, and it complicates things.

To make an exhaustive list of everything my husband has done in 3 years of marriage would take hours and I don’t think anyone wants to read all of that anyways. I’ll sum it up the best I can with the important points:

• He tells me all the time how he doesn’t care much about me and my feelings. He makes me feel really bad about asking for what I’ve been told is the bare minimum. For example, I’ll ask for something simple like a hug during or after an argument and he says I’m emotionally manipulating him and telling him that his feelings don’t matter. That doesn’t really make sense to me because I’ve always been told that connecting with a partner after a fight is a good thing.

• He doesn’t care when I cry anymore, which is a lot. Sometimes I wish he would care.

• He’s got a long history of lying and hasn’t ever really done anything to repair the trust so I still worry about catching him in another lie (not cheating)

• He blames me for everything even when I try really hard to be a good wife. I take care of the household, our son, and all the finances while still working part time. I dote on him and cook his favorite meals and get him surprises and rub his back and he doesn’t do anything for me, but I try not to complain.

• Whenever I tell him I feel underwater with all my responsibilities, he says he goes to work and helps with the dishes, which I appreciate, but that he shouldn’t have to do anything else.

• He’s very suddenly become very right wing. I knew he was conservative leaning when we met but it’s very extreme this past week. He’s saying things like homosexuals are bad and that we shouldn’t expose our son to that, but he knows I thought I was a lesbian before we met. And he told me that if I got an abortion (it would be very unsafe for me if I ever got pregnant again, so I’d make the difficult choice to terminate if there was ever an accident) that he’d leave me and make sure I never saw our son again. That really hurt me and I don’t know why he said it.

• I have autism and ocd, which I know isn’t fun to live with and makes me not understand things as well as other people. But I’ve been in therapy for years and I’m on medication and I feel like it’s very well managed. I only have a panic attack maybe once a month and I’m doing really well socially. But he still says we wouldn’t have problems if it wasn’t for me. He says all his old girlfriends were easier than me. It makes me feel really bad about myself because I can’t change that I have these things, but I still try really hard to make them manageable.

• He’s withheld sex for almost a year now. We found out early in our relationship that he has an std. It’s one of the ones that’s dormant for years so I know he didn’t cheat and the symptoms were already there when we met. He used to sleep around a lot so he doesn’t know who gave it to him. He stopped managing it after he told me we should open the marriage because he couldn’t imagine having sex with me for the rest of his life. We didn’t open the marriage cause the idea made me sad, but he stopped taking his medicine so we can’t have sex cause I could contract the std (so far I don’t have it). It’s only penetrative sex we can’t have, but he won’t do anything else either. It kind of made me realize though that I’m not attracted to him anymore, so I don’t mind not having sex really. But I thought it was worth mentioning.

My therapists (I’ve had a couple over the last several years for financial reasons and one moved away) keep telling me he’s abusing me emotionally and psychologically. Whenever I’ve tried (at the advice of my therapists and sometimes with them present) to talk to him about this, he’s gotten angry and said that I’m abusing him by accusing him of abuse. Even if I just try and gently point out that he’s not always very nice to me, that makes him angry.

I just worry what my life would look like without him. We met when I was 19 and married when I was 20. I sort of wish an older adult told me I should slow down and not marry him, but I was an adult and I made my own decision. I know I shouldn’t have, but I can’t change that now.

The issue is, I won’t have anywhere to live or have any childcare. We live in an expensive place, on an island where we both moved with our parents when we were younger. There’s no women’s homes and the affordable housing is full. I can’t keep our apartment because it’s employee housing through his job. My parents would be angry with me if I left him, but I hope would understand, but they don’t have room for me at their house.

Also, I work 2 days a week for my parents. They pay me well and I enjoy it. My mom watches my son while I work because her and I do the same job, so we alternate working the 4 days their business is open. My son and mom really enjoy it and I’m happy he gets grandma time. But my mom can’t keep him full time if I tried working full time for them. Childcare centers here are hard to get into and are $1,500 to $2,000 a month. My husband and I can’t afford that. On top of that, if I got into affordable housing, it’s anywhere from $1,000-$1,500 a month (rent+untilities) since we live in such an expensive area.

But I’m really scared to leave him because I don’t know if I want to. He keeps saying he’ll change and I know it’s stupid of me to believe him but as a whole, he is improving. I’m just scared I’ll leave and miss him and just come right back.

And I don’t want to share my son. My baby is my best friend, I love being home with him. We run errands and play and do activities and have the best time. He loves to learn and have fun with me. He’s the sweetest, most gentle little boy on the planet and I can’t stand the idea of not seeing him every day if we had to share custody. I’m not staying for my son, I know two happy homes are better than one bad one. Thankfully, we don’t fight in front of our son, that’s a hard rule. But he’s starting to get old enough that he hears the harsh way my husband can talk to me. I don’t want my baby growing up thinking it’s okay to treat people like that. Plus I’m scared a court would take him from me if I can’t find anywhere to live.

I guess I’m just really scared and alone and not really knowing what decision to make. I don’t know what’s best for me and my son. I don’t know how to move forward. Thankfully, I have two really great friends who have been really supportive, so at least I have them. But I thought I’d come here too.

I know this is long, so thank you for reading. Any advice would be helpful. My only request is that you try and keep it kind.

Ps because I’m on mobile and can’t edit the text for some reason: he wasn’t like this when we got married. He was the best and I truly loved him. But he changed and I don’t know how to get my husband back. Also it’s not terrible all the time, sometimes he seems like he’s really trying which is part of why I’m scared to go.

How did you know it was time to separate/divorce?

Me (F22) and my husband (M23) have been together for 5 years married for 2 years. We started out strong but it's been dying down the past three years and it keeps getting worse. I was kind of hoping that getting married would kind of like light another fire in him but it's just gotten worse. Hes rarely affectionate and not very physical, even with the everyday touch like hugs etc. He used to be so lovey dovey and I loved it. Physical touch is my main love language and Im not getting any of it. I communicate how I feel and he'll change for like a week or two, it's been a cycle for about 3 years now and it's honestly making my depression worse and idk what to do. It literally makes me cry when I think about it. I've also just kind of gotten used to not being touched or anything, like I get so excited when he cuddles me at night even tho he's asleep and it makes me so happy and feel euphoric until I remember he doesn't even know that's he's cuddling me and that he's asleep. I try not to dwell on it. Idk if this is grounds for a divorce but I'm communicating like my therapist has told me too for a few yrs now. I love this man so much but I also feel myself just slipping away from him and it breaks my heart. I need advice or something, idk what to do anymore. I've also brought up to him that I've been feeling distant and I feel myself slipping and I sobbed while I told him, he then fixed the issue for 2 weeks and it's been the same for 2 months again.

Oh I want to add that we're in an open marriage, and everytime I see someone else even if it's not sexual I feel like shit cause it reminds me that I don't get it at home. He also sees other people, we've both only have gone out with someone like a few times we don't do anything very often with other people. My reason is because I just want him and his is cause he works a lot. Im not sure if that'll help with the advice yall give.

Some things have come to light that my (36f) husband (36m) has been up to over the past 4 years (that I know of) that he’s lied about and/or said he’d stop doing and kept doing. Is this normal behavior? Do all guys do this shit? Feeling fucked up over all of this and need to hear some fresh perspectives.

-Commenting on and liking sex workers’ content multiple times -Watching porn daily for 10+ years -Nicotine use -Lying about behaviors when asked -Fantasizing about multiple coworkers often and repeatedly (plus being friends with them on social) -Saying they prefer porn to sex with me sometimes -Selfish mindset, thinking of their needs first -Not taking the lead financially, emotionally or for growth of self or our marriage

To know: we’ve done counseling, I’ve been patient and understanding, created a safe space to be honest, worked on myself inside and out over the course of our marriage, tried to rebuild trust and the lying and gaslighting from him refuses to quit.

Seriously staring at divorce papers now and am about to walk out of this dumpster on fire. What do you think? Is this just how men are? What would you do?

I want to keep the gifts my parents purchased for me, especially my really expensive car.

What was it like when it came down to dividing assets. I don’t know anyone irl to ask about the divorce process. Did you/your lawyer do anything specifically to help you retain your fair share? Anything you realized later should have been done?

I’m looking for advice or some kind of perspective. I married my “high school sweetheart” at 20, and am now going through the divorce process five years and two kids later. He was wildly unfaithful, unemployable, and physically/emotionally abusive throughout our ten year relationship. He was arrested in January for domestic violence, and that was the wake up call I needed to choose a better life for my kids (3m, 2f) and I. I am currently living on my own, working full-time nights (and overtime) as an ICU tech, in my first semester of nursing school, and having my mom watch my kids only when I’m at school/work. I almost never sleep, and I’m killing myself just to make ends meet.

We have been going back and forth through the divorce process since June, and I’m mentally and financially tapped out. I am paying all of my legal fees out of pocket, while his parents pay for all of his (as well as all of his bills, since he’s decided to work part time while in school). He is going on trips, buying expensive things, and driving a brand new truck as of today—all while I feel like I’m drowning and just trying to survive. He is dragging things out just to waste my time and money, in the hopes that I won’t be able to make it without him. We have almost nothing to actually fight over, but he’s hell bent on making sure I get saddled with as much of the debt and as little support as possible. I’m not perfect by any means, but I’m just trying to do whatever I can to give my kids a good life.

I’m honestly just trying to figure out what to do. Is it worth it to go to court and keep spending more in the hopes that things turn out more fairly, or should I just give him what he wants so it can be over? I’m scared, and it hurts to feel like he is always going to have some kind of control over me.

I am looking to speed up my uncontested divorce with my spouse and we’re writing up an agreement. Do you think this covers us in basically saying what’s mine before, during and after the divorce is mine, and yours is yours?

“ASSETS The Parties acknowledge that they have agreed upon a division of all assets, owned or possessed by them as matrimonial property or separate property. The Parties are in possession of all of those assets to which each is respectively entitled. Accordingly, neither makes any claim to any assets in the possession of the other.”

Edit: I live and was married in California

As I have started contemplating divorce more than as a thought experiment with my wife, I’m not sure what would change if I were to do that. I am guessing that at least part of it is I’m thinking with the wrong head, no not that one, and looking at this as someone who is married rather than looking at it as someone divorced/possibly to be divorced. I know divorce doesn’t happen if the marriage is working well for both parties; but we don’t have cheating, domestic violence, or any other “standard” reasons for divorce. I’m just not sure I’m ok with the relationship currently…and, probably, haven’t been for a while. But…I can’t see not being with her.

I can’t see moving out; getting my own bank account; not doing everything for the kids. My wife has told me for years that if she divorces me I’ll have to move out…but I’m not sure where I’d go other than the home office so I can get kids up & ready for school still. Or get them home & to activities. She says that is a stupid idea….but I don’t make enough to pay the mortgage & rent on an apt or second house (they would be about the same price).

How am I supposed to get a bank account when everything pulls from the shared one, where she is the primary.

I would still do all the cooking, driving, appointments, and other things with kids. I just would have my own bed in a separate room. Has anyone tried, and succeeded, to live together outside of marriage? I can’t see how my life would change….but I’m not sure I can stay married. (Stupid intrusive thoughts. Stupid feelings.)

We live six blocks apart. He is a good dad. I worry that he won’t have anyone to take care of him as he ages. I’m with a wonderful man who takes pretty good care of himself. What do I do if my ex is in a position where he needs help?

I never thought I’d find myself here, but my life has been completely shattered by my divorce. I’m fighting tooth and nail for 50/50 custody as soon as possible because I genuinely fear for my daughter’s well-being around my in-laws. My soon-to-be ex-wife (STBX) is completely enmeshed with her mother, who has managed to manipulate her into leaving me and filing for divorce without so much as a conversation. The worst part? They’re attempting to take 100% custody of our daughter as part of her mother’s “retirement plan.” The level of control my MIL has exerted on this situation is staggering and unbearable. We are already dealing with parental alienation, and my daughter isn’t even a year old.

My STBX, a 36-year-old business professional and a new mom, seems unable to stand up to her mother, despite what you might expect from someone in her position. She’s been conditioned to accept this control, which makes this entire ordeal so much more painful. My STBX suffers from clinical anxiety, which I believe is rooted in the trauma and abuse she endured from her mother. I love her deeply and wish she would wake up and see what’s happening, but it’s clear she has sadly chosen her parents over me.

It’s important to note there was no infidelity, abuse, or betrayal on either side. This divorce wasn’t sparked by any act of harm within our marriage; rather, it has been driven by external manipulation and pressure. I feel like my life has crumbled before my eyes. Her mother is now leading the legal charge, pushing to isolate my STBX from any feelings of shame or conflict that might arise from seeing me directly, and it’s tearing our lives apart. This has turned what was once a loving marriage into endless legal red tape and headaches. None of this is in the best interest of our daughter.

We once envisioned raising our daughter together, traveling, enjoying holidays as a family, and exploring the world. Now, those dreams have been obliterated. Our current custody schedule confines us to local exchanges, erasing any hope of shared holiday joy. My MIL has monopolized holiday planning, ensuring I miss out on these precious experiences with my daughter. What’s worse, exchanges now have to take place in public with minimal communication—a stark shift from the amicable curbside pickups we managed just two months ago without issue.

They’ve tried every tactic, shifting with each custody hearing. First, I was painted as a safety concern due to a perceived mental illness. After enduring two months of supervised visits, we proved those allegations were baseless. The demand for supervised visits was dropped, and they no longer request a mental health evaluation. Now, their narrative has changed yet again, claiming my request for equal participation is somehow detrimental to our daughter’s development. Every time my custody improves, my MIL steps in, directing my daughter’s lawyer to complicate things further. It’s a never-ending cycle of new obstacles.

I’m left wondering when, if ever, this will get better. How do I come to terms with the fact that my STBX and her mother have effectively destroyed the precious early years of my daughter’s life? How do I rebuild when everything that mattered is now tangled in legal battles and power plays that help no one—not me, not my STBX, and certainly not our daughter?

Feel like giving up on life/the future. Wife divorcing me after 10 years. I’m a decent looking guy, in good shape, smart, make good $, but lost now.

The guy who she’s been spending time with since the separation just changed his Facebook status to in a relationship. It hurts seeing it actually official especially with her Facebook saying separated and full of pictures of our life, kids, wedding and honeymoon. We aren’t even divorced yet.. man this experience is an emotional roller coaster.

I got divorced a little over 2 years ago and i still have my wedding band from the marriage. I never wear it, look at it, or even talk about it but it sits in the back of my mind as if it is the ring of power that Sauron made in Mt. Doom. Do i get rid of it or does it stay hidden for the rest of my days. I just don’t find the process of selling it pleasing which is why I’ve put it off so long.

Any advice or thoughts…

I divorced my ex husband for many reasons, mostly because he could not stop lying. Like big, awful, horrible lies like cheating but also small weird little ones. Just a total liar.

Then I got into an abusive relationship. Absolute mindfuck, didn’t even know people could be so evil, changed my view of humanity bad.

Now I’m thinking, was it that bad being married to a liar? At least he treated me like a human. I could follow the logic, though flawed, for his lies. But like… obviously that wasn’t good and I was right to leave. It’s almost like after the abusive relationship I would do anything for a normally dysfunctional relationship!! I don’t think I can even fathom a healthy relationship now?? Ugh.

I know it doesn’t really matter but I’m just so embarrassed to have stood up infront of our entire family to have married him, saying that we were perfect. My parents used things from their own wedding, for ours. Things were handed down and engraved with our new wedding date. We have so much wedding stuff still, and we are getting divorced. I feel like such an idiot. I want to go into a hole and die.

Especially older or middle aged men like me.

Not going into too many details. Wife and I had a fairly good marriage for 5 years, but she's changed in the two years since our child was born. It was probably something post partum that we never addressed but that ship has sailed and any attempt to raise the issue now would be pointless.

Short version - she turned mean, cold and hypercritical half the time and will do things that she knows really bother me for any small mistakes I make around the house, because I criticized her or even disagreed with her on something, or simply because she's having a bad day. Like giving me the silent treatment or gossiping about me. I never get thank you, I rarely get please. I cannot try any harder or push this relationship uphill anymore.

If I try to talk to her about it, I get DARVOd, accused of 'tone policing' her or 'making her angry by making her feel like she has to regulate her moods' etc. and she will keep going with an argument for hours until I finally walk away because while I'm not conflict averse, I do find it draining and she seems to thrive on it these days.

I'm basically a SAHP but I do work part time, from home. I do most of the childcare that isn't nursing or overnights (she cosleeps), a lot of housework, all the yardwork, most of the grocery shopping and probably a lot I'm forgetting. She cooks (anything I prepare for her gets ripped to shreds and she'll eat maybe a little bit then make herself something), does a few larger household projects while I take care of the kid and otherwise works on her postgrad, but a lot of the time she plays videogames, reads or watches YouTube.

I'm debating whether to even try fighting here. Marriage therapy would be fine up until she had to take criticism. I suspect she'd either go nuclear or leave. Even if things worked out perfectly and she agreed to do better, I don't know if I could trust any change.

If she didn't want more children, I think we'd have split already. I'm miserable and it's making me a worse father. I think she mostly keeps me around as a sperm bank.

95% sure I want out. But I don't know how messy it would be and as the SAHP parent, in a country where alimony isn't incredible overall and tends to be gendered too, I'd be starting my life over completely.

But I wonder if somehow it would still be better than this.

I miss so many simple things. Being able to just go through my day without worrying that I put some kitchen thing in the wrong place or was going to misplace my keys and set her off, being able to stop the constant anxiety around her moods, have a bit of time to myself, being able to do things a way that works for me without being micromanaged or judged. Maybe getting a bit of self respect back.

I don't know, but some days it feels like I'm damned if I stay and damned if I go.

My STBXW has decided she wants to date her AP. I’m struggling day to day with that knowledge while also ready to move on. What I’m’ having a harder time with is telling my 5 year old son that the AP is the reason are lives are getting screwed up and we have to sell his birth home which he tells me daily makes him sad.

Ex has taken my son to AP house a couple of times and I know she tells him not to say anything about it to me. If I have to hear his name out of my child’s mouth though I might just explode. I know it’s not right to bring children into the problems of their parents but has anyone dealt with explaining to their child that the new person in his life is the reason everything got worse?

Separated & moved out about 1.5 y ago. Long story short, we were married over 20 years but never had a sexual connection. Caught him paying to indulge his kink (Dommes) and it took me over 8 years to finally leave. We still get along great and he would love if I came back to him.

Is it normal to question your choice all the time? I miss the safety and security I had. I feel like I had a huge house and no money concerns but now live in a tiny apartment and struggle financially sometimes. I miss my family dynamic and wonder if I could go back and live with a sexless marriage.

Why do I still feel this way? I go back and forth all the time. But pretty sure it’s my life I miss more than him though.

Feel like I can’t properly articulate this so hope it makes sense. C

Me and my wife have. Been living life roommates for the better part of 4 years now. No intimacy at all and even when we do date nights she is so distant with me. We've seen therapists that tried to have us dedicated one night of intimacy per week scheduled nothing came out of that. She knows my salary and still making demands that are impossible to meet.

I want to get a divorce but financially I cannot afford it. Rent prices where I live have sky rocketed so forget about me getting an apartment. We have two young kids in daycare one special needs so I have heavy health-care costs on top of childcare.

I know people always say dont stay for the kids but I've seen stories where people separate but live together like roommates. I think that might be my only option.

I loved the lead-up to holidays, getting my son excited by surprising him with new decorations or getting his help making them, baking things with him, watching shows/movies, listening to music or reading books related to that holiday, etc., and I tried so hard to do it for Halloween this year but couldn't. The passion I had for it was totally gone and I was trying to do it for him anyway, but between living with my parents temporarily, an extra long commute, parenting schedule, and tight budget, I just didn't have the time, money, energy or environment to do it the way I wish I could have. I know he didn't get that experience with his mother. That was always my thing. He still had a great Halloween, but the magic just wasn't there for me any more and it's killing me. I am not looking forward to Christmas.

We are trying to split up without fighting... One part, the worst, is financial.

How much do you each pay towards the children's needs? I was thinking adding it all together and splitting in 2, but it's been hard to work out, mainly because the kids regularly ring me for extra amounts randomly, and I've recently spent a lot on my daughter going to uni.

Just wondering what was normal per child (14 & 16) so it's fair for everyone