(I just released the ratio between humans and elves😭)

(Also drop yours if you want)

How is Dreugh Wax even made? Do I melt the Dreugh? Do I milk them? Do I boil or cook them? Put them in a blender?

Still think drug is funn

I simp for Todd Howard and I’m not ashamed. At night, I lie awake, my male member hard as skyforged steel, pointing high in the sky towards the impenetrable depths of Aetherius. I think of Todd’s handsome face, his twenty-seven inch cock, and of course his genius-level brain. I fantasize about cuddling with him, I’m the little spoon and he’s the big spoon. We’re both high, close to passing out- not off of mead, but off of each other’s love.

As I gaze at his eyes, shining like the sunlight as it glints off of the Adamantine Tower. Todd kisses my neck, then my forehead, before religiously reciting the entire texts of all Lusty Argonian Maid Vol 1. It’s his form of foreplay, and hearing those words excites my loins. He gets to he beginning of Lusty Argonian, and as he describes the intercourses exchanged by Lifts-her-Tail and Crantiuss, my penis, my own spear, can’t contain itself.

My little Talos ruptures out of my clothing, breaking through it like a little bit of Aetherius, shining through the Oblivion of my clothing. Todd stops his recitation, looking upon my male member. His is the first time we’ve done it, and he knows I’m still a virgin. He gazes upon it- not longingly, but horrified. “Bruh, your dick got spikes,” he says. And he’s right.

Of course, the spikes aren’t mine. Like any other penis, my herculean member is smooth, silky, and soft even when hard. The spikes come from what my lil’ Wabbajack, wears upon it. For this occasion, I chose to wear the strongest condom I can find, a Daedric Condom, for anything else would be broken by my powerful seed. I prepared for this day, and I want to make sure and play it safe- I don’t want to transmit any STDs, I’m not Peryite or something. Not Peryite, no, I’m Sanguine.

I crawl towards him, my daedric dick outstretched from my ballsack like the White-Gold Tower from the Imperial City. He screams, watching as the blood leaks from the lower end of the condom. I wasn’t able to get it to stay put while my Ebony Warrior was still soft, so I had to use a stapler. I hope he’s okay with that.

I reach over to soothe him, and without words he seems to understand. I just wanted to get rid of any STD risk. Just because I don’t have enough blood flow to stay hard doesn’t mean I can’t pleasure him in other ways. I grasp at his ...

[This passage has been censored by order of the Temple]

... I remove my tongue from his Oblivion Gate as his own Red Mountain erupts. I lick my lips, tasting the liquid Skooma on my face. I haven’t finished yet, probably because my dick fell off halfway through. Oh well, maybe I can just-

My thoughts are interrupted by a gunshot. I look at Todd, my little Lusty Argonian Maid, but his head is gone. I scream, shouting louder than any Dragonborn. At the door to our bedroom I see a figure, dressed in dark robes. This is the end, I think. The figure removes his hood, to reveal what I can only describe as the face of Akatosh. No, Anu. No, the Godhead. It is beautiful.

In one hand, he holds a bag of shrooms. In the other, he holds the gun with which he decapitated my boyfriend, my Molag Bal. The figure extends the copy of the game towards me. I see that it's dirty with dust, no, cocaine.

I hesitate to take the hallucinogenic fungus, and the figure points the gun towards me. “Okay, okay,” I say, taking one. ”GOOD". But he’s still pointing the gun at me. ”TRUTH IS,” he says, ”THE GAME WAS RIGGED FROM THE START.”

Gunshot