Need help thanks

So I left my ex in Sep 2023 and last year surprisingly, he didn't try to ruin it (didn't reach out at all). We have a child together so I can't block him completely but he stays away on his own most of the time (except when he tries to hoover).

Well this year, he reached out. Started out calling in the morning while I was cooking and I told him I was busy and asked if he wanted to talk to our child but he got mad, accused me of having an attitude and hung up. He kept calling and texting throughout the day and never once to ask about our child & just kept getting mad cause I started to just ignore him. Even sent a text saying "You see this is why we couldn't work out, you're always too busy for me especially around the holidays". In the evening, I get a call from his dad who was visiting from out of town with their family. I was never informed he was coming to visit. He did talk to my son but told my son "I guess you're too busy to come visit us and I have to head home, maybe for Christmas your mom will let you come visit or let me come visit you".

The last text my ex sent was him telling me that he might have another child on the way. It's a girl that he cheated on me with years ago. He says there is a chance the baby might not be his and might be the father to her youngest. Being nosy, I stalked her page and guess she got pregnant during a short split her and her youngest child's father had. But she went back to him and finding out the narc was still talking to other girls.

So yeah that's how my Thanksgiving went. Other than trying to ruin my holiday in general, guessing my narc is just trying to take it out on me with the messy situation he's gotten himself in since it seems the girl doesn't want to be with him & went back to her baby daddy. I can only image the calls/texts the girl probably got. I know someone who works with my ex and I asked them and apparently the narc has known for a month and told everyone at work. So he definitely purposely waited until Thanksgiving to tell me in my opinion.

Hoping he doesn't try to ruin Christmas because it seems he's on a warpath because this girl doesn't want him and might be carrying his child. So far the girl hasn't reached out but I can't blame her. Probably afraid I'll tell him and who knows what he's told her. In the past he told her horrible things about me.

Anyone else have a narc with fingernails that are mutilated by biting/chewing them constantly? My cnex would never stop.

Now it makes sense since I understand how many lies and the deceit they are dealing with.

I am thankful that I have the emotional bandwidth to recognize what’s important in my life and what I miss and what I need. I am thankful that it hurts so deeply that I can’t operate sometimes. I am thankful that the first chord of a familiar song will send me into a spiral. I am thankful that I can see the beauty in something so simple and immediately become enthralled and fascinated.

I am thankful that I fell for the illusion of true love. I am thankful for my optimism and desire. I am thankful for the pain I face while I learn what love and companionship can truly mean.

I am thankful I am who I am. Flawed, caring, scared, scarred, and proud.

I am thankful I hurt.

I am thankful I am here.

I am thankful I am me.

To not be any of the things would be a terrible waste of the beautiful gift these minds and souls of ours let us be.

Since going no contact with my narc I have been leveling up my internet security, privacy settings on social media, removing my personal info from google search etc, my security level was shit to begin with so it's not a bad thing I guess.

But the more I thought about it I'm thinking this is just a trauma response.

Has anybody else gone through something similar? I would love to hear from others on this.

It's been hard seeing the narcissist treating the woman he cheated on me way better. I know it's best to go no contact and not look at what they've been up to on social media but I can't help it.

Seeing him treating her soooo much better (and for years) makes me feel so worthless after he devalued me for years. I can't help think that it was because of me.

Has anybody experienced these feelings? How do you deal with them?

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and 6 months into the relationship he grabbed the steering wheel as I was driving and the car went into a brick wall permanently damaging my body and face before ghosting me for someone else. I wish I could tell you why I hated myself so much that I stayed but by the time he contacted me again I was so depressed from healing my broken bones, going through surgery and losing my way of income and new car alone that I took his apologies for sincere. I don’t know what spell he put on me but it was impossible for me to let him go to the point where he’s done the absolute worst just to come back. He’s sold me dreams about the family we would have only to leave me pregnant, homeless and car less (again) after he took my car and parked it somewhere and never came back and he missed our child’s birth. He’s told me he’s going to the store and left for days at a time. Each time I waited and somehow still had patience and understanding when he finally came back to sleep for days and leave for however long he wanted to again. The final straw was 2 years ago when he was sleeping with a friend I allowed to move in with me. Him and her would flirt and make sexual jokes and comments and when I would confront them they would both gaslight me as if I was going crazy. She stole all of my things and he left with her then tried to call me to check my temperature a couple of days later in which my fury wouldn’t allow myself to listen to him. He was gone for 6 months and the healing process was agony. I came to the conclusion I could t be with him but for some reason still loved him but had lost any hope. He came back around acting like a completely different person begging me to take him back as he had no where to go and had realized he loved me. I let him in feeling sorry but never regained faith he would change. 2 years later he’s still here. Refuses to leave pays nothing. Contributes nothing does nothing . Puts his hands on me. Disrespects my boundaries and will not move out or leave me alone. I’m still healing from all he’s done and am exhausted at this point. I’ve even contemplated suicide but I can’t do that to my kids as I’m all they have. He’s ruining my life and everyday I’m losing more of myself. Idk what the safest thing to do is. I hate him so much sometimes I wish he’d disappear or worse. What’s the safest thing that won’t traumatize my kids more than this already has.

He asked for two weeks to “quietly contemplate” presumably our relationship. We have somewhat met in a middle ground where he sends good morning/good night messages of his own initiative, and he has agreed to honor our tradition of sharing a list of things we are thankful for one another on thanksgiving.

I have asked for minimal reassurance during this time, but have asked him whether he was planning to see an individual therapist (which he had promised to do, and responded by saying that he had made an appointment), and by expressing my feelings once or twice, without demanding any response from him. Each time, he did provide a minimum of reassurance.

I feel like I am disrespecting his boundaries, but at the same time I feel like I’m neglecting my own emotional needs. Over the last 2.5 years, it’s always been me compromising my needs for his comfort, and I don’t know whether it’s fair for me to continue doing this. I also don’t fully understand this need for a “mental reset” or “depressurize” that he has expressed… but then again, I am not an avoidant.

I am just really struggling right now. I want to do right by him but it hurts so much. I know we will call tomorrow for the aforementioned thanksgiving tradition so I guess my best bet is to toughen it up and wait for that time. It’s already a compromise he has made, after all.

For reference, this is the message I sent:

“I’ve been reflecting on the time we’ve spent apart and how I’ve been navigating this space. I’ve worked hard to honor your need for time and distance, even when it’s been emotionally challenging for me. I hope that’s been clear to you. I haven’t wanted to resort to ultimatums, pressure, nor threats because I respect what you’ve expressed you need. That said, it’s also important to me that this effort is seen and appreciated. I hope we can use this time to grow stronger together.”

I promise I wasn’t trying to start a conversation – I just needed some acknowledgment. My message likely feels like too much for him to respond to right now. I didn’t and don’t want to overwhelm him.

Useful insights about Narcisstic behaviours

So the N here is my step dad. He’s been in my life since I was about 11 or so and we moved in with him when I was 15. I’m the youngest of both sets of children so I was the only one to really have seen their relationship and live with step dad as a teen and young adult (his three kids lived with their mom until they were old enough to move out). While I didn’t like him at first (for stereotypical “you’re stealing my mom” pre teen reasons, he was always kind), my step dad really was like a dad to me in many ways. I do love him and this entire ordeal has broken my heart.

Now, my mom and I don’t always get along. We usually bicker when we spend enough time together but I love her and a lot of that is just us being too similar. Me moving out when I got married in 2018 solved most of the issues. That said, I wasn’t afraid to call her out on her BS and she was too stubborn to listen (and probably vise versa). They then got married officially within a year of my marriage, having held off for college financial aid reasons.

So when my mom started to complain about step dad “was always hovering” it seemed like my mom was just being a little extra; she’s never liked the patriarchy and I genuinely don’t think she likes men at all (which she has been screwed over romantically, economically in her job, and other places). So when COVID hit and everyone was working from home, it wasn’t too different from what others were saying.

My step dad was always the kindest person to my friends and myself. But I did start noticing him start to complain about my mother more, saying things like she’s being overdramatic about x issue, and I found myself siding with my mom. They were small things and I think he was mostly trying to make conversation in something we had in common (my mother), but they were kind of awkward.

Within the past year, my mom moved out of state for a job in a hobby of hers that really can’t get much traffic where we live. It was more of a temporary thing but I found out on Easter from my step dad when he said “I’ll still take your mother back. I still love her.” I believed him because my mom never told us anything throughout our lives and I had no reason to believe otherwise. Turns out that about two months prior, he had asked her for a divorce, and when she finally agreed and stated her terms, he changed his tune.

Since then she’s officially moved out of state and they’ve officially filed for divorce. My mother has started to be more open with my sister and I, but, due to my nature of living with them and other factors, my mom has asked me if I’d write a witness statement, mostly of what she contributed to the marriage. And I’m just very conflicted. First, that’s a LOT to ask of a daughter, but second, I’m conflicted on how I want to have a relationship with my step dad. I believe everything my mom has said and I think he’s been super scummy, but not to me. I don’t want to limit my contact with him (I only see him maybe once a month anyway) but I want to support my mom in this too. I’m afraid of what will happen with my relationship with him and generally I’m very conflicted on how to feel in general. I think he is a good father to his children and I think he was a good step dad to me. As I said in the beginning, I’m heart broken and torn here. Any advice would be appreciated.

One thing that has destroyed me more than anything and constant blaming myself, and I’m not sure if others have experienced this-but I feel like I’m the manipulative person now playing two cards. My family and closest friends I confided and word vomited everything about what happened down to the physical and sexual abuse and sexual abuse of other women about a couple months ago and told them I was out of the relationship and done for good. My family is wanting me to go to the police and my friends have blocked him on social media, wondering why I haven’t done the same. I felt confident in my decision at the time but literally days later-while I am SO close and almost there and can feel myself ready to leave, it was the truth at the time but also I ended up not fully getting out of the relationship-so now it’s not true and my family and friends don’t know because they absolutely would judge me. Part of me is terrified of him. Part of me loves him and he knows this. I have sent him romantic messages again despite everything after he’s been reeling me back in, and while I’ve been able to keep at least a boundary on not seeing him-I can’t seem to get out of his orbit and all the loving things he is telling me. He has been SO good recently, going to therapy (although I noticed a bit he is using against me), and I now am the one with the angry reactions and can’t seem to have a healthy conversation. It just makes me feel crazy because he has done some terrible things to me, and in the end I know I will look and am the bad guy because I can’t seem to communicate in a healthy way anymore with him. Either way, I feel terrible because I’m somewhat having to lie to my family and also him now because he wants to move forward with me and I keep telling him I’m not ready. Now he’s even telling me from therapy that I am the one that is testing boundaries because I can’t be straight with him what I want when I have and have tried to break up with him twice, but I fall so easily and quickly back into it. It makes me feel like a terrible person. I wish I had the strength to tell him I just want to end it completely but the way he did everything-kicking me out then proposing to me 3 days later has just made my brain feel like mush. I try to get away and he just keeps reeling me in. I know at this point my family and friends will just think I’m terrible myself for not fully getting out especially because I’ve said everything he has done and it’s not just about me but other women too and so now I feel like it does fall on me and my judgment. I know all of it is terrible and I am disgusted by him and yet here I am stuck. I have never felt more alone in my life. Has anyone gone through this? I felt so good about myself and I just feel like I’m spiraling worse than before and more stuck. I have had to lie to them throughout to cover for him and the things he’s done, but now it just feels like I’m playing two sides in a way even though I don’t want to but I’m so afraid of judgement.

I know this is pathetic but I feel like I can’t breathe without him. The whole world is gray and pointless.

I did not expect these behaviors years later on Spotify. I had stopped using Spotify for a good chunk of time, figured they're on with their life so never unfollowed them, got comfortable using it again and BAM. They were mirroring me and doing things very discreetly so I would notice that they're noticing what I'm doing :/

So out of the blue. For those of you that use Spotify, did you encounter this or similar behaviors on other platforms?

So true

I broke up with my nex in April with so much trouble with him accepting we done after all the cheating and manipulation. Anyways fast forward to now it’s been 6 months and i literally wake up everyday thinking about him. What he could be doing at that moment, what he’s thinking, then remunerating and thinking of past memories. How do i get him out of my head? I’ve tried distracting myself with work, Netflix or gym but for some reason i cannot go a day without thinking of him. Any suggestions how to forget?

I remember when he had discarded me for the new supply, he still remained in my social circle, albeit way more inactive. He’d occasionally pop in to say something but never in my private messages. He considered us to be friends, even though he never did anything that a friend would. All that had been keeping us together before that was the situationship; but with that gone it was easier to see how little he actually cared about others. Some time after I’d confronted him about all of this he said “I don’t have time to give to you right now or the foreseeable future because I spend all my free time with my girlfriend, though that could change. If you need to consider me an ‘acquaintaince’ because of that, that’s fine. I hope that if I come back I can hang out more with you because I like your vibes.” Why on Earth did he even stick around in the first place if he doesn’t even care about maintaining a basic friendship?

Thankful for Technology- last Wednesday, I had another argument with my partner. He lashed out at me for not washing my hands enough or properly sanitizing the kitchen while cooking. After being criticized, I kind of shut down. After dealing with this for over a year, I just don't know how else to react. When he asked me if I was OK, I told him how I felt after being criticized again. It led to an hour long argument about how my reaction wasn't fair, and I never listen, etc. He never took accountability for his actions and did not acknowledge how his actions impacted my feelings. Well, we have an indoor camera due to the neighborhood we live in, and it caught the whole argument on camera. It's been almost a week and I re-listened to the argument this morning. I have a few takeaways:

- Yelling in arguments makes me feel unsafe, and he frequently raises his voice and yells. The next time this happens, I need to disconnect from the conversation and re-visit the discussion when everyone involved can talk without yelling or raising their voice.

- He speaks to me in a very condescending tone, like he knows best and I'm an idiot.

- If I had a friend that sent me this video and asked me for my thoughts, I feel like my advice would be to leave the relationship. I was shocked by the tone of the discussion, the lack of accountability and ownership of his actions, and how the conversation was flipped into being my fault. I don't see how a relationship can continue to exist with this dynamic.

I'm glad I was able to listen again now that some time has passed since the argument, and am allowing myself to sit with my takeaways and figure out what that means for me.

As always, open to your thoughts. This is such a safe space for me, so thanks to everyone for listening.

Been seeing a guy for about a month and a half. I see behavior like rushing emotional intimacy and love bombing. I’ve tried to bring up my concerns about pacing and held boundaries around gifts and attention that I’m willing to accept several times , but the response is defensive, minimizing, and the behaviors continue to resurface. And as a result m feeling consistently unresolved.

Has anyone here tried to bring up the love bombing or rushing in a genuine attempt to like make sure you’re both on the same page and gauge their response to you?

During the relationship, the biggest problem my ex had with me was that I “didn’t trust him”. He’d get very angry at me and blamed all our problems on that and used my “lack of trust” as the reason he didn’t want to progress with the relationship.

In reality, I trusted him too much. And blindly too.

Recently, I unexpectedly uncovered a lie about his past, pre-me life, that didn’t even make much sense to lie about. And it’s a pretty big lie as it covers several years of his life before meeting me. What I discovered is not bad, or shameful, not in my opinion at least. It’s just different from what he told me.

I don’t understand why he’d lie about that. And I think of all the other lies he must have told. And I think of all the moments I was jealous or my bullshit radar was going off and he would get mad at me for not trusting him.

I felt SO GUILTY for having “trust issues” for 4 long years! That’s already ingrained in me but now I realise I was actually right to be suspicious.

I’m just sad and disappointed :(

We are beautiful, brilliant, shiny objects that they play around with their dirty, soiled paws and dull over time. The luster wears away until another shiny new object catches their attention.

Remember, they didn’t change. They don’t ‘stop’ liking us. They didn’t like us in the first place. They liked using us. They liked having us to mirror. To see their reflection in. They love looking at themselves. They LIKED THE ATTENTION. They are Narcissus. The reflection they can manipulate. The devotion and care we express makes them feel successful.

There was never something they ever actually gave us. It was something they extracted from us and stopped wanting to use. We were convinced we saw something that simply wasn’t there. Because they could find something else. Because they found something else or are confident they can do even better and get that better high.

❤️

My fiancé unintentionally imported his narc ex in a desperate effort to see his son in person after eight years. Now that she’s here, she started a legal battle and is telling the judge she plans to leave the country again. Worried for my finance’s son. She’s wasting our financial resources and draining energy non stop.

When fiancé told me four years ago that he had a “crazy ex,” I actually fed flagged him and made a mental note to keep an eye on that as we dated. But with time, I saw he wasn’t some emotionally negligent jerk. And his ex is in fact a raging narcissist.

Fiancé paid for almost everything for Nex and son in South America. Food, tuition, rent, medical care, after school activities, sports. Fiancé used to send Nex cash but noticed the child would be skinny, sick, or in one instance, the school contacted fiancé to tell him that Nex had not paid the last six months tuition. After this, fiancé paid everything directly through Zelle. Nothing was ever enough. She constantly told the kid that his father had abandoned him. That he’s a drunk, a drug addict, you name it.

This summer my fiancé finally got to see his son after trying for years. His Nex never allowed it before but now I see what she gained from “doing something good for her son.” Nex and her son have lived in South America for the last eight years.

She only allowed the trip this year with the stipulation that she deliver/pick up the child here in the states (on fiancés dime) and that she have five days in Miami with her daughter. She accused fiancé of wanting to “destroy her,” when he said fine, but I’m not paying for your hotel while I’m still with my son on those dates. My fiancé paid for her departure and return tickets. A week before her travel to pick her son, she demanded he pay an additional $700 to fly her daughter, he said NO and she called him a kidnapper. Fiancé got a travel permit from a judge of their home country that states vacation/custody was to end on September 20th, and they were to return to South America.

Vacation was awesome and healing for fiancé, his family, and his son. That’s despite the poison Nex spewed for a month while back in her home country. Nex arrived in Florida in September, five days before the agreed upon date, and within an hour, showed up to our house, called the cops and falsely accused my fiancé of kidnapping his son. (You know, the guy who paid for her to get here)

Custody was exchanged on the 20th as was agreed; Nex screamed that fiancé would never see his son again. From here, Nex turned off son’s phone (that fiancé bought for him) so he couldn’t be tracked, and took him to another state. We live in South Florida.

Fiancé received a phone call a few days later from the child wherein the child stated he was in Chicago, scared, hungry, and cold, and calling his dad in secret. Fiancé got GPS location from the phone call and called in a wellness check.

The next day, Nex filed a protective order lying that Fiancé is psychologically abusive. Fiancé has been in court three times now (virtually) for this PO and Nex keeps delaying. Second hearing, she showed up late and had the PO reinstated after the judge vacated and asked to sue for child support through the PO. All granted to her.

After all this and paying for a lawyer, Fiancé is now suing for visitation with child support. Last hearing, Nex was SHOCKED when the judge told her that the case was being moved out of Domestic Violence and into Domestic Relations. She still doesn’t have a lawyer even though she initiated everything and the judge set a fourth date for a hearing on the PO. When the judge tries to set a date for December so she can “have more time to find an attorney” (She started this action late September), she starts saying she won’t be available. When the judge finally asks why she says “I will be illegal in this country by that time.” Judge asks “Are you planning to leave the country?” She says “Yes, as soon as this matter is settled.” Judge goes “So how do you plan to continue this?” No answer.

Fiancé has sent winter clothes, groceries, and other essentials that Nex will not give to the child. Nex stole the child’s winter coat and posts photos of herself in the child’s coat. Nex tells son that Fiancé should stop sending useless items, and send cash for her to pay for flights to Spain…

We’re trying to be patient and non reactive in the hopes that the judge will see through her. I think he’s beginning to, so it shouldn’t be surprising that she’s ready to abandon the mess she started in court.

Worried about the child as he’s enrolled in school but attends maybe once a week if that. He spends hours and hours alone. The only thing he has is his cell phone and video games. He often calls his dad hungry, upset, scared, or angry.

Is there anything we can do to stop this woman (non US citizen) from running to yet another uknown location to keep my fiancé away from his son?

As a partner, I want my fiancé to have time with his son. But more selfishly, I hope she will make enough money to go to Spain so that she’ll be out of our lives again. Unfortunately that means my finance’s son will be out of his life again. I feel badly for everyone but especially the children. Does this ever get better? Or is the only solution no contact and a sea in between us and the narcissist?

After being discarded maybe 6 months ago. Probably in one of the most traumatic ways after a 5 year on and off relationship with a narc. They moved in and got new supply quick (prolly the first time they actually succeeded). Well fast forward. This new supply is a close neighbor of his and also someone I worked with for years (more context but it doesn’t matter). Well maybe 2 weeks ago that new supply’s brother saw me with another person. And now my ex narc is stalking passing my house. Idk if thats the reason why or if he’s been doing it and I just now caught him. But why would he be stalking me if he has a new girlfriend. And as well as brutally discarded me. He is also blocked on every single thing. Including her, her friends, and his friends/family

I know it's usually unwise to try and expose the narcissist(s) and I've already been through the soul crushing process of doing the same with a different group of people who had some of the most disturbing intentions, and it didn't turn out well for anyone involved. Sadly, I find myself at the center of a situation that's even worse, with more people involved who have already been making my familys life a constant struggle just to live and make ends meet. I'm gonna keep a lot of details to myself because I haven't really decided what I'm going to do, but I'm basically dealing with 2 narcissistic siblings and a mother who I had no idea would stab me in the back no matter what. I've done all I could to help her, including help taking care of two grandchildren she has custody of, and with my siblings help - she demonized me to everyone in town who'd listen after my place was destroyed and covertly took the property that was given to me by my father, while my family still lived on the property, and doubled down by now having us forcefully evicted from the home (what's left of it) so her new mobile home can be pulled in and set up. It's all so wrong, hurtful and infuriating, but I can't even think about that because she also blocked utilities from being connected unless your name is on the new deed, only hers, and we're sitting here without electricity, no funds to get propane for heat despite being freezing now, and no options because she's rallied the town against me, so not only can I not find help for us like we actually need - you can tell the people are buying her bullshit and are 100% against me, despite not having any proof... Because it's not real.

I can show how hateful and aggressive she became and expose things shes said like she never wanted me, but I just keep thinking about how I'll do it, how I show it or if it'll even matter, because I'm cutting her from my life for good and mostly want to expose her lies to clear my/our name but also so that I may be able to find us some support, this has ran us so far in the ground we're barely afloat, I won't go into it any more because I don't want this to sound like a sob story - but I'm literally shivering as I type this because I can't afford a thirty dollar propane exchange. I figured if anyone has gone through something similar to our situation, this is where they'd be, and any input will be appreciated, and thanks in advance

Starting and ending with, please, no hate. Compassion and understanding with boundaries, even for those who hurt us. Had we lived their lives, we might behave the same.

Do the narcissists of your lives have crazy stories that, despite knowing they lie over little things, you feel they're telling you the truth?

I dated someone who lied about his ex-wife, lied about dating a younger woman, lied about who knows what. Lied about anything to make his imsge better. Lots of manipulating the truth.

Yet.

Trigger warning.

I kept pushing him for the truth because I had this feeling deep down, something isn't adding up. One night, he decides to tell me a story that got crazier and crazier. As in, started with he was in a gang when he was younger and was forced to behed a homeless man, then at the military school he was sent to (which was something he told me about but lied about why) he and his classmates would rape a female classmate. Then, when he was very young, a 17 year old neighborhood kid just caressed his leg, then that kid was moved away. I think that's most everything, at least the major points.

I thought I might die that night. He told me afterwards that he only told me all of that because I had pushed so much, and that he was amazed at my compassion so he kept going. I admitted I thought I was going to have to pack my stuff and leave after he fell asleep that night, so he didn't kill me. He said if I think I'm going to die, don't even pack my stuff. Just leave. Sound advice, I think. It sort of makes me laugh. I do think this man cared as best he could, but his life didn't show him how to care well.

Still.

The gang thing, I fed him in my line of questioning. Beheading a homeless man? Not sure these are real. The rape of the female classmate with his other classmates? My gut tells me yea, and he enjoyed it. The older neighborhood kid? I sense the story is nastier than he told it. Maybe he even blocked it. Like, the first bit was a test to see if I would handle the truth compassionately.

Random add-on, for a while, and still occasionally, i wonder if I'm a narcissist. I expressed this fear to my ex and he said "I always wanted to date a narcissist." I think because he thought he could out-do them. I expressed this fear to my mom and she said I sound like a narcissist. The therapists I see don't say that I'm a narcissist, though. Maybe autistic.

Do you have similar stories? Gut feelings that there are some dark truths hidden among the lies?

Please, no hate. Understanding and compassion with boundaries, even for those who hurt us.

So back in may he had loved bomb me pull back ghosted me and blocked me everywhere I don’t know why. And he recently unblocked me on instagram. Why do they unblock us on social media but not our number? I really miss and wanting to see him. I still want him. What is he expecting from me?

Fast forward to today I found out he has a girlfriend cuz they have each other on their bios of instagram.

Makes me question so many things do they change for the next victim for a relationship? Why would he unblock and block while he’s with her? I’m hurt.

I still struggle to comprehend and fully acknowledge and have a full picture of who he was.

He did lots of really nice and thoughtful things.

But then he also became selfish, completely uninterested, unempathetic and simply unkind.

I don't know how to integrate both of these sides of him. Sometimes I feel it’s my fault he became like this to me.

I cannot express how many red flags I saw, even before meeting him (first major one being that he knew I had just gotten out of a 3 weeks stay from the mental hospital the night I met him through tinder, after not using it for months. Was just on there for a good old fashioned on night stand tbh).

The night I met him I came to the conclusion that I most likely wasn’t going to see him again because I honestly just didn’t really like him that much because.. 🚩I hated the way he explained things to me (this is kind of a me problem and not necessarily a red flag, so I definitely looked past that lol) 🚩99% of conversations (if you’d call him talking at me a conversation) were structured around how incompetent people are and how much hard work he puts in 🚩obviously he was a victim of all of his ex’s and they all wronged him in some way after all he did for them. Couldn’t describe a single positive quality about absolutely any of them. I’m friends with his ex and knew her for a couple of months before him and I dated (MASSIVE coincidence, I had no idea at the time). She found out and was nothing but supportive and didn’t say a single bad thing about him/wished us the best, when she didn’t have to be nice - he obsessed over this, tried to make me not trust her, acted like she abused him, tried to make me cut her out, spoke about her 24/7 never saying a nice thing about her or anything she’s done. I’ve now spoken to her about everything and our relationships looked almost identical • he warned me that she was going to falsely accuse him of SA (she didn’t) 🚩now that we’re on the topic of SA, he coerced me into many sexual acts that I never thought I’d let a man do. TMI - A week into dating he I finally gave up and let him do anal when I was really drunk, he put it back in the other hole, gave me a UTI so bad I peed blood for 3 days straight (toilet bowl looked like a crime scene), and gave me a yeast infection. He told me I wasn’t showering enough or changing my underwear enough. That’s a very small example of his SA. Still shocked about how I’m now realising how sexually abusive he was, and I have no idea how many times he r*ped me. 🚩drove recklessly (in his daddy’s audi that he would complain about) when he had road rage, I didn’t have to but I gave him a specific reason why it would put me in some amount of shock. We almost got into so many car accidents, he apologised every time - meaning he knew what he was doing and continued doing it. 🚩I kindly let him know that his anger issues were getting concerning and that he should think about speaking to someone. He suddenly had a doctor (??? Still confused about this because I begged him to get therapy because he refused to see a mental health professional) that told him that he needed to mange his anger by “physically exerting it outwards” and that I need to leave the room and go upstairs if it scares me - he broke his hand punching his fridge a week later. 🚩he told me he was raped by another man very casually within 12 hours of me knowing him, he said it to set a boundary for me to not touch his asshole (which I never hinted or implied I wanted to do?) and I respected that and told him I’m not into that either. Funny that I respected that but he didn’t • constantly brought up his rape in arguments when it wasn’t relevant, which he did as an attempt for me to feel guilty ? 🚩I told him I hated it when he slapped my ass because he did it so hard and out of no where. He kept doing this and there were many times I was curled up in bed because of the pain and he bragged about the occasional purple hand prints he left

I could write an entire novel about this 5 month relationship. I knew from the start that he was a walking and talking red flag, yet I still dated him. I have no idea why but I theorise it could have to do with a lack of self respect and the inability to say no, especially when he asked me to be his girlfriend after knowing me for only a couple of days.

I have a Diploma of Counselling where I learnt a lot about domestic abuse/anger management, and I did a few months of psychology in university. Not saying that to imply that I’m smarter than anyone else who’s a victim of a relationship of this kind, but I’m trying to comprehend the mind fuckery behind EVERYTHING.

• why did I get into a relationship with someone I knew had many narcissistic traits?
• why did I let so much slide?
• I knew there was so much wrong with what he was doing but how did I not see just how bad it was until after leaving ? He committed actual crimes.
• how did I fall in love with someone I didn’t even like? I wouldn’t even be friends with him

As much as the typical narcissist definition appears to drive every element of what we experience and see, my therapist pointed out that there is a caveat.

Nothing the narcissist does makes sense, and it’s also very prescriptive and methodical and predictable. The love bombing, the lying, the devaluation, the discard, the hoovering, the smear campaign. All of it. Predictable. Expected.

That said, all of those things required a decision. The narc didn’t fall into a lie. They decided to invent it. They didn’t happen upon a script they were reading. They chose to say the love bombing words. They chose to discard and cultivate a new supply, feeding them a different set of lies. The choose to run a smear campaign as a way to benefit themselves. Protect their ego and collateral damage be damned.

All choices. No matter that, we were subject to very devious and wrong choices made by a person who could have chosen a more appropriate, honest, meaningful path. We loved. We admired. We cared. Some of us still do and some of us fear the narc with our very core.

Forgiving ourselves for falling for it may not be necessary. We didn’t do anything wrong.

I read a meme today that’s really poignant.

“FORGIVING PEOPLE IN SILENCE AND NEVER SPEAKING TO THEM AGAIN IS A FORM OF SELF CARE”

Please remember that friends. You owe it to yourself to move-on when the time is right. That may mean telling yourself they are forgiven in order to release yourself from that bond. They’ll never understand forgiveness, but you absolutely do.

❤️

6.5 months discarded 4.5 months separated 2.5 months NC

So… for context, me and my girl (we’ll call her Maggie, not her real name), have been dating for 2.5 years. She has always been quick to anger. But she has never hit me, and honestly, I didn’t think she ever would. But the other night, that all changed. Some back story: we met at a mutual friends birthday party. It started out really good. She is successful, very smart, pretty, and she has her shit together. She is responsible, communicates well, does exactly what she says she’ll do, when she says she will do it. She is the epitome of reliability. I am easy going, low key. However, I am also successful, with my own business and my own house. I own land, several pieces of land to be exact. I am extremely handy; I love building things, whether is be houses, cars, trucks, landscaping, whatever. We fell in love in a short period of time, and things were good for a while. But then she started to be annoyed with me. She’s the type to tell me instantly, when she is annoyed. Her anger level goes from 0-100 in mere seconds. I can do something, for example, like talk to the waitress. Our interaction may only last 10 seconds. But when I turn to my girlfriend, she’ll accuse me of flirting. And she will be ANGRY. Like, really angry. She will destroy the entire evening over something like that. Once I was talking to a guy in her mutual friend group. This was at a bar. I talked to him for maybe 20 minutes. Suddenly she got up with some of her friends. I asked her “oh, are we going to a different bar?”. She replied, “We are, but you can go home!”. She said it loudly, and I thought she was joking. So I laughed. We had only been dating for 3 months at that point. She repeated “you can go home”. And she turned and walked away. Later, she explained she was upset that I wasn’t paying attention to her. So many similar situations have happened since then.

Fast forward to last weekend. We went to my brother’s house for a dinner. We had a great time, watched the fight between Jake Paul and Mike Tyson (which was a terrible fight, lol). Everything was good. We left in separate cars (we don’t live together, and she had driven up the 30 min to my brother’s house). We drove back up towards my house. Just before leaving, she joked about us stopping at Taco Bell for a late night snack. She drove behind me, and I pulled into the Taco Bell drive thru. I ordered, and told the guy at the window to please put her order on my card. I figured she would place an order. But, she did not. I shrugged it off, and figured she just wasn’t hungry. We then stopped at a gas station, as I was on empty. She parked behind me, and through up her hands in disgust. I walked to her window and she said “you are the most inconsiderate person I know!”. She then through her car into reverse and sped off. I finished fueling and drove back to my place, where she already was. She then said “I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for the fact that I had your dog in my car!”. I lost it. Absolutely lost it. For context, I rarely ever lose control of my emotions. But this night I did. I had so much anger stored up in me from the way she treats me. I yelled “get the fuck out of my house”. I yelled it several more times (note that she has told me that more times than I can count, but then is mad if I do leave). I walked to my gate and waited for her. She didn’t leave. I came back up to the house, and what ensued was probably the most extreme fight I have ever been in. We were screaming at each other. And we don’t normally do that. We went back and forth for probably an hour or so. At one point I was yelling at her. Right in her face. She looked at me, and slapped me pretty hard. I was stunned, but so angry that I said “do it again. Do it again!! Hit me again!!!”. She obliged, and this time did a closed fist on my mouth. I had blood in my mouth, and my left side of my lip swelled up. Again, I was in such a rage I yelled “do it again!! Hit me!”. She just stood there, and then taunted me. “Do it!” she said. To this, I told her no, I would never hit you. I then tried to walk away into my bedroom. She followed me, and slammed my door open so hard it punched a hole in my wall. At one point, before the hitting, she said “oh yeah, do you feel like man yelling at me!? Yeah, you need to feel like a man, because you have nothing between your legs. You don’t have balls!”. Finally, after hours of yelling, I stopped, cleaned up a bit, and went to take a shower. When I got out she had left.

I never thought she would hit me. And I have never hit her. And I never will. It’s just not something I do. I have been hit hard by two other women (not my girlfriends… just random girls) and I never hit back. I just don’t. I’m 6ft 2”, and I weigh in at 210. My girlfriend is 5’ on a good day. And maybe 115 lbs. I just won’t do it. Anyway, it’s been a week since this all went down. I talked to my therapist about it (he has been helping me learn about my relationship). And I talked to my brother. Both have suggested I end the relationship. I still love her. And we are still talking. We have plans together for the next few months. I’m distraught. I’m not sure what to do. This is my first time posting on Reddit. Sorry my post is so long. I’m just looking for some outside info. Also for context: she is loyal to a fault. She is sweet when she is not mad at me. She is very thoughtful. She is extremely neat and tidy. And she has an awesome family. Oh, one more thing for context: her brother told me that the only person that he is more scared of (than his mom) is his sister. He said her anger scares him. And he wasn’t joking. So I know it’s not just me. Also, her husband of 7 years cheated on her. I’ve always wondered if she drove him to that (not making excuses for cheating… just a thought I’ve had).