The man on the bed was telling her a collection of wise phrases from his diary since it was too late to call a doctor and wanted to her to be calm and meditative.

'Today's entry:

"A rolling stone gathers no moss" - heard it on the radio.

"A page turned gathers no dust" - heard it at the office.

"A flipped man gathers no vaginal fluids." - me when I'm about to get a blowjob.

She laughed and said, "I wanted to see the doctor so I could know why you had to stop sex so suddenly, but now I know why."'

"And I secretly thought you were going to see why I had to use a restaruant bathroom."

"Now, before I plan to clean it, I must know if it's a sqaush, gourd, or a fruit?"

"I should've waited to invite you till Christmas's Eggnog was the menu."

Her birthday cake the next day had an 'F' made of icing.

"I prescribe you go to the moon; it'll lighten your burden"

"But why????"

"It's that or the smog of Venus or the rings up your anus."

So I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'

So this December, my city is having a winterfest parade, in which our mayor and city council will be a part of (among others). I'll be passing on a statement that will be announcing our city council as they pass by the parade narrator. The first half of the statement will be introducing the individual councilmembers ("Council President X followed by Councilmembers Firstname Lastname, Firstname Lastname...). The second half, which will be about 15 seconds, will include some humor. So, if anyone has any thoughts for a funny follow-up phrase or joke, please share your ideas!

Be aware that:

• The joke will follow council member introductions and must flow after it.
• Families will be present, so nothing crude.
• Nothing belittling of councilmember reputations or work.
• Can include Christmas elements (perhaps something like "In addition to serving on the city council, theyre also helping assist with Santa's business operations", but more comedic).
• Can have a political hinge to it without being demeaning or politically isolating.

You are welcome to test the limits above, though what will be announced must fall within those guides.

I officially have more crowns than an 18th century king.

Larry the Cable guy’s role as Mater in Cars outshined his previous roles in my opinion. He really missed his opportunity to ride the wave and rebrand as “Larry the Tow Cable guy”.

Giving a speech at my friend’s rehearsal dinner (groom). We were roommates for many years and after joking about how great of a roommate he was and that maybe I should’ve married him, I do a bit about why it wouldn’t have worked. Curious for feedback on the Covid joke and if there’s a less provocative substitute that still gets the same point across.

“But in reality, a marriage between us never would have worked out. He was more of a night owl to my early bird, he’s a Cardinals fan and I am a Cubs fan, and Mark kept the apartment so dirty, there’s a third theory going around that covid may have actually started from whatever expired food he left growing in our fridge.”

Edit: We are both dudes. The joke about me marrying him is really just an exaggeration to show how good of a friend and roommate he is: “I look back fondly on my time living with Mark. He cooked for me, he always asked me about my day when I walked in the door, he never gave me a hard time about playing video games…wait a minute…maybe I should have married Mark.”

I was bringing my father to the elderly home and the man at the register welcomed us in. His smile faded and he asked us to leave. He told me that I can’t just dump my problem on their establishment. I said “why not? This is an elderly home!” And he said “Sir, your father’s been decapitated.”

For those who don’t know me, my name is Matt and it’s my honor to be the best man. I’ve known {Groom} since we played mustang baseball together. For all you other people, {Groom} can you raise your left had in the air? [Shows ring] You see that ring? [Shows my ring too] We both have wives now. Do you finally believe we aren’t gay?

I know there’s a funnier way of doing this. It became a joke that the groom and I have been so close that people could easily be confused that we’re gay. His mom at one point actually did question him. He made a similar joke when he was best man at my wedding. I think it would be funny to go the route of how now that since we are both married, we can finally confirm it.

I will be getting a custom pie pan as a gift, and I need help with brainstorming a funny phrase to put on the pie pan. Suggestions can(or not) be pie related but I am looking for a specific kind of humor (referencing a meme or a vine)...the best I could come up with right now is 'gibby requires pie' and while I like it, it looks a little odd with the Rae Dunn default font. Can I hear some suggestions on what to put on my pie pan? Max 30 characters. Thanks, all!

Teacher: *Has had enough listening to me and my friend's inane drivel*

I feel like I've lost some IQ points today...

Me: Why, is it your Birthday Sir?

!The punchline of this joke, Imo, subscribes to the 'It's funny because it's true' philosophy of humor. That is because IQ is determined by your Mental Age divided by your Actual Age times 100, you can lose IQ points by simply aging another year while still maintain the same Mental Age as the previous year. I feel like the Joke only makes sense if you know this.WDYT?!<

Hi everyone, I am terrified of writing comedy, and think my jokes aren't funny enough. I need to roast a friend for her birthday along with a few others. Can someone help me, please?

Target 1 - Cindy

Birthday girl

-Busty AF ( but I want the boob joke to be subtle)

-Loud / Obnoxious

-Can drink like a fish

-Alpha female (very aggressive)

-Loves her brands - kind of a show off

Target 2 - Jake

Her husband

-Henpecked

-Has an accent

-Poor drinker/low capacity

Target 3 - Peter

• Short AF

-Very loud

-Womanizer

-Married to a saintly lady

Target 4 - Lucy

-Very calm

-Constantly struggling with her weight

Target 5 - Kevin

-Extremely tall

Hello! I made a website that's like Grammarly but for writing jokes. If you love Scott Dikker's method of creating jokes, you'll love using Checklet to help you write yours.

The app is pretty general, so you can even customize each "checker" for your specific style of writing jokes. I'm looking for feedback, and I hope you find it fun and useful!

https://checklet.page/checker/b1977f89-c726-4b8f-a8cd-a5a38cd07a73#How-to-Write-Funny

I want it to go something like this, "I would tell a joke about modesty, but I'm not a very good comedian," but it just doesn't sound right. Are there any other ways I could word it?

Because it can all abruptly end if an unsupervised child accidentally falls inside her enclosure.

I need some good roast for my soon to be son in law for his 30th bday party.
His name is Taylor He looks like marv off of home alone He wears a fanny pack He like to get high He owns a pleasure boat He is a democrat He used to roller skate

"My friends like to throw these stupid themed parties. They're dangerous, last night the theme was drunk driving."

"It's weird Stephen Hawking went to Epstien Island. What was he doing over there? Tutoring?"

"I read that most new morticians are women. That's kinda weird. We all know why though, right? Guys can't stop fucking these dead bodies.

The worst part about having sex with a corpse is how one-sided it is. They just lay there, like a dead body."

My name is (edited it out), and I'm running for student council at my school. One of my friends won with a joke last year which was "My name is _____ (his name), but you can call be star lord. I'm not sure if I want to take that approach, but I DEFINITELY want something that will catch attention and make people laugh. Thanks!

Assist with the crafting:

My schedule has freed up since I did NOT make this years GQ’s Top 10 eligible bachelors list. {self deprecating of a middle aged dude}However I did make Mad Magazine’s AND they have more subscribers

Suggestions encouraged Make us all laugh

A woman impregnated herself with the contents of a canister of JD Vance’s sperm which was handed out at a rally in Georgia.

She gave birth to a ???

I'm old (see username) so I can't even remember the context in which I heard it but it went something like "That (something) was longer than the Catholic mass!" or "The only thing longer than the Catholic mass is (thing)." Ring any bells for anyone? Apologies if this isn't allowed here, please let me know if there's a better place to ask. Thanks!

EDIT: Now I'm thinking it was more like "(very long event) was shorter than the Catholic mass..." Ugh. Sorry I can't remember more.

Hey guys,

I have a friend's graduation party coming up in a couple days and I have a speech to give. I'm not a comedian, so I figured this was the best place to ask for any ideas on funny jokes that I could use in my speech.

For example, I already used the classic "Funny..Smart..Handsome... but that's enough about myself.." speech intro at a different party, but unfortunately my friend was there and heard that speech as well, so I can't reuse that same line. Any ideas for a funny intro and ending? Thanks in advance.

If it's any help, my audience will probably consist of an even mix of young and older people (including parents), so if possible, nothing offensive or rude that might ruin the atmosphere.

Everyone says Swedes are the most attractive ethnicity, but the Swedes have it easy, they’re a well fed bunch, they have the best health care in the world, and rank as one of the happiest peoples. Now the North Koreans on the other hand, they’re not exactly Victoria’s Secret or even McDonalds cashier material, but they’re all starving. They don’t have any health care, and they probably have never felt happiness. But I think they could be really attractive, in the right circumstances, so what needs to happen is we take a Swede and put her in North Korea, and put a North Korean in Sweden, and then see what happens. I suspect it would make the North Korean look a lot better, but I don't know if it would make Greta Thunberg look any worse.

Trans people aren't what they used to be.

On the subject of pornography, I'll come to that later.

1. I was stopped by a man in a brothel once. I was really worried, I thought fuck I have to stop visting these highly illegal brothels in Indonesia. This could be an Indonesian policeman, I could be going to jail for life. And I had just finished in this hot woman too, I was on top of the world until he showed up. But all he said to me was you still owe me twenty bucks. I then noticed the wig in his hand, and realized what happened.

2. Anal sex is like a Ferrari, it looks flashy, but you’ll never get to try it, and even if you did it probably wouldn’t work well. It’s also mega gay. Just to be clear, that is about how the Ferrari is gay definitely not anal sex. I wanted to get some feedback on my comedy, so I told chat-gpt that joke, and it did not like it. It said it was harmful to call something mega gay, so I said can you think of a better joke. It replied with this

“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make everything up”

I said, "That’s better really?"

It said, "Thanks. I'm glad you agree." But isn’t Chat-GPT’s joke offensive to Adams because it insinuates that they make everything up. Somehow that’s okay, but calling something mega gay isn’t. 

3. Have you seen this tik tok and Instagram influencer people that try to get people to look at their ass? Basically, they’ll go into the store or gym with skimpy clothing, and then hope people stare at them, so that they can post it on Tik Tok or Instagram. And people actually look at them, it’s really disturbing, men young and old, gay and straight, and women too. It just might be because the person has a camera and is filming people, and not because these gay men want to look at some lady’s ass, and that they’re not actually gay. Also, to look at these womens’ asses' these men must have excellent vision because there is nothing to see, at least nothing natural, and not plastic. I would say to all the people that think these men are creepy and leering at women that plenty of men pay attention to Greta Thunberg, and she has no ass, or tits for that matter. Although, Trump doesn’t, so there may be some truth to these social media influencers' videos.

Sex is a boolean AND operation. If neither wants to, you shouldn't have sex. If only one of you wants to, you shouldn't have sex. Only if both of you want to should you have sex.

Conservative sex is an XOR operation. It doesn't matter who wants to as long as there's one 1 and one 0 involved.

Sex with me is a NOT operation.