You enter and leave. And a year later, you find them both decaying.

I need a joke about someone so entitled that they feel they should be paid for getting something. Something like...

A man sees an advert: $1,000 for a luxury cruise! He thinks it's a great deal, so he goes on the cruise, has a great time, then turns up to the travel agent and says "I went on that luxury cruise you wanted me to go on, now where's my $1,000?"

That gets the point across, but I suspect there's probably a funnier joke on the subject. Any ideas?

When push comes to shove, one fucks their date (dry fruit), while the other eats their date (lover).

Got sent a picture of a pregnancy test (negative) by a stranger through text. Need the best possible response so perhaps you all might give me your best related jokes?

My initial thought was getting a bad handjob is a lot like going to a rocky beach. Like it’s a beach, it’s nice … but also kinda painful.

I'm new to joke writing and I want to start attending open mics, but I struggle to discern whether what I've written is any good at all, I'd just love some honest feed back from yall regarding the clarity of my joke, and how strong you think it is. Thank you for gving me a moment of your time.

If you think it's fucked up to have sex with someone and not mention you have AIDS... then you would love my ex girl friends, because they would not shut up about it.

There's a big bin of shoes from holocaust survivors in the holocaust museum, and apparently over 500 of those shoes had human semen stains on them, at least that's what the judge told me.

I've been sending messages to this ho on instagram, and she's been really pissing me off because she'll make posts, but not message me back, I'm pretty sure she's ignoring me just to piss me off. Whatever, fuck you Beyonce, ur not even hot.

Most things are easier said than done, unless you're sitting on the toilet, and you're about drop what can only be described as a slick, steady stream of stinky sloppy shit, and you have a lisp.

I think it's pretty fucked up everyone on sesame street calls the retarded guy with an eating disorder "cookie monster"

When my dad met my girlfriend he said I just put lipstick on a pig, completely ignoring the mascara and eye shadow I also put on my pig.

I was watching 101 dalmations with my 6 year old the other day and he agrees, that bitches's pussy has gotta be super fucked up.

I'd like to thank a strong women, and a christian education. for without them I'd be completely hopeless in my attempts to provide the very best examples of what exactly an oxymoron is.

I went on a date with a girl, it went really well, she was smart, funny... does anyone know what trans means? It seemed important to her.

Last night I had phone sex with my whole family. That is to say I texted my family's group chat that I'm about to kill myself, and then I put my phone on vibrate, and shoved it up my ass

A septic truck was just ending his work day and came rolling up to me at the bus stop. He asked me how I was doing, I said fine thanks.

I noticed he kept looking down the road intently. It kept catching my eye, so finally I asked him what he keeps looking at down there.

He said The President was on his way here and he wanted to see him.

I said, you're full of shit!

I am kind of of self conscious about my appearance particularly my hair. I have to style and part it just perfectly when I go out in public to basically manually construct a hairline. This is where moms come in handy, because if I happen to be out with her she’ll make it a point to fix it for me if needed. I think it’s her subtle way of apologizing for the bad hair genetics she passed down to me.

Three religious leaders show up at the Pearly Gates to be assessed on whether they deserve heaven. Saint Peter is there, of course, to judge them.

Peter's booming voice calls out: "The three of you have all committed the same sacrilege...you used the hallowed pages of the Bible to wipe yourself when you ran out of toilet paper. What excuse do you give for this atrocity?"

The Irish Catholic priest steps forward and say "Kind sir, I did not use the holy pages, as that would be an insult to God. I used the front cover with the consideration that without it the bible is open to all who seek answers."

Peter smiles and let's him through.

With a slight smile, the Anglican priest steps up and immediately begins talking, "Your holiness, I used the back cover, as we cannot know the final words of God or what his intentions ever will be".

Peter is happy with this answer and also lets him through.

Finally, the Southern Evangelical pastor steps forward to speak, but Peter yells, "I KNOW YOU DID NOT USE THE COVER! YOU SOILED THE ENTIRE HOLY BOOK!"

The pastor, showing his fancy dental work which paid for by donations from his TV viewers, smiles widely and says, "You then also know that I was completely full of shit!"

I'm trying to make Valentine's for my healthcare team and I have mini Hershey's cookies and creme bars for them, but I've run out of chocolate puns! Help.

Hello mates. So I'm making this game where a player gets roasted if he loses. It's a simple mobile game. I wrote quite a few roasts in different languages, Portuguese, English, and Japanese. Now I'm out of roast/jokes, could you mates help me by sending some roast?
Here's a few for reference:

"-Out of all the sperms that could've made it, you had to be the fucking one, it seems life does like clowns a lot"

"-I bet a fucking monkey can play this game better than you, can you imagine, a FUCKING MONKEY PLAYS THIS GAME BETTER THAN YOU, you useless fucking vermin!"

"--The amount of oxygen you wasted by being a fucking loser in this simple game, makes mosquitoes worth more than you, fucking idiot!"
"-Fucking wanker"

I got rejected for being an aries

That’s kinda racist

And I know I’m being such an aries moon rising right now but–

That’s like if I was on a date and they were like.

Oh you’re a jew?

Sorry we’re not compatible.

I’m American so I’m fun, cool, and not gay.

And you’re a jew so you’re manipulative, insecure, and an entertainment lawyer.

Trust me, I read it on yahoo.

So I called over one of the waiters and asked for a check

But because I’m an aries and we’re impatient.

I left her with it.

A raindrop wanted to fall as a snowflake, so it asks the sky to get colder. The sky says, "it's pretty much winter so why not." It starts pouring sleet.

The rain drop becomes a snowflake, but thought "if I land on that roof I'll last longer." So it told the sky to ask the wind to blow it on the roof. Scared of what the other raindrops might say if he didn't, the sky turns to the wind and asks, "Hey, dude. Can you blow this raindrop on the--" the raindrop wails at the sky, "that's not my noun!" And the wind replies, "yeah well I don't wanna be forced to blow you."

- Is it funny joke at all?

- Would it infringe rules about political themes?

- Format is good?

- Grammar is right?

Feel free to give me suggestions too.

​

Here it is:

______________________________

Two friends argue about firearms. A third friend approaches and interjects into the conversation.

Hippie friend: "More guns? More deaths!"

Yuppie friend: "More guns? Less crime!"

Geeky friend: "What... If I say you two are right? That more guns means both more deaths and less crime?"

Hippie and yuppie friends, in unison: "What do you mean? How's it possible?"

Geeky friend: "I'll explain my reasoning..."

Geeky friend: "More guns? More gun fire."

Geeky friend: "More gunfire? More deaths."

Geeky friend: "More deaths? Fewer living people."

Geeky friend: "Fewer living people? Less crime."

As part of his studies at Fields University, Tony Fields had studied the effects of applying an electrical current to a new type of material recently discovered in a deep mine in central Africa. During his experiments it became clear that this type of material when electrified, created an invisible barrier which was very effective at amongst other things, preventing birds and other small animals from flying or walking through them. After many years Tony had been able to amplify this effect and had demonstrated some commercial and military applications for his devices specifically in agreculture for protecting crops and seeds and in battle protecting personnel, vehicles and equipment. At a recent high profile meeting at the university Tony suggested that the university should create multiple streams of research on the new technology and should invite students and researchers to pioneer this new technology within the university for the potential of great profit for all. A reporter covering the meeting called head office to relay what had occured:

Fields city, Fields university's Tony Fields, fields the idea of the "Fields city, Field university, Tony Field force fields for fields" fields to the university's Board.

The following day the local fields city newspaper reported:

Fields Fields Fields fields Fields Fields Fields Fields Fields fields

I'm working on a joke about movies that physically pass through each other.. Right now I have "Ghost" going through "The Wall".. but I'd like to get a couple alternates... I was thinking "A River Runs Through it" but not sure what movie it would be going through... Could also go a little dirty and use movies with some sexual inuendo in their title

None of the cliché overdone ones, but anything more unique you’ve heard?

I’m doing a speech and thinking of a funny way to start, playing on the fact that I’m not a confident public speaker. Something along the lines of:

“I’m not usually a public speaker, but I have a couple of coping mechanisms. One of them is in the my right hand [gesture towards my beer]. And the other is [???]…”

Looking for ideas on how to finish. Anyone help please? :) thank you

I’m in a french / english bilingual wedding, doing a speech, and want to make a joke about the love/hate relationship between the countries. I’m looking for ideas of content that i can use for the something along the lines of…

“famous for having a love/hate relationship. Some of you might be expecting me to make fun of the french. But i’m not going to do it. Yes, I could stand here and make a bunch of classless jokes about how the french [??]. But i won’t stoop to that level. Yes of course, I could talk about how [??], but no i won’t do it!”

Any ideas? Stereotypes that i can mock in a playful way, not too insulting?

Hot lima beans

Hot = horny/literally hot food

Lima Beans = Lima is the capitol of Peru, people with no legs are vaguely bean shaped

​

How can I make this joke make sense without having to explain it

Divorced every 2.

To divorce me...

https://www.madkatzblog.co.uk/blog/50-of-the-worst-cat-jokes-youve-ever-heard

A substitoot.

Hi all,I'm making a point and click adventure for kids, and the main character's sidekick is a little flame character (with arms, eyes and a mouth but no legs) with a fiery personality. Name's Lilly.

I'm planning to include a game mechanic where you click on Lilly and she'll make a joke, always related to her being a flame. I plan on having 100 different jokes, and if the player goes through all the jokes they get an achievement.

But it's not easy to come up with 100 good jokes, so I hoped to reach out for a community who'd help me out.

Being a kid's game, there's an extra layer of complexity because of course they have to be able to understand it, and it must remain ESRB 7+

Here are some jokes I came up with:

- We flames don't have to go to college, we already have all the degrees we need.

- You know, I used to collect icecubes. But they kept melting in my pockets.

- I don't sleep too well at night. I worry that sheep would catch fire if I count them.

- I once had a snowball fight. Quickly turned into a steam fight.

- I love campfires. I'm always the center of attention.

- I used to work in a fire brigade, but they fired me, go figure out why.

- News reporters love me, I always have a hot topic for them.

- My friend was the coolest kid in school, he was a charcoal.

- Trees are a nice place to take a nap. Unless you're a flame.

- I'm a terrible cook, unless you like your meals extra crispy.

- I'm more of a dog person. A hot-dog person really.

Any joke I keep in the game, I'll add the author to the credits.

Critique? Any tags and toppers? Is it clear organized?

"Growing up with Muslim parents in America was super hard. They were always eager for me to pray to Allah...".I’d be like, 'I’ll Uhhh have to take a rain check on that, pops,plus American Idol is on.

You see you have to prey 5 times a day , i didn't even brush my teeth twice a day.

You couldn’t eat pork but they moved to south where bbq is king and they put bacon on everything , they even dip bacon with their beers!

My dad was fearless and mean, nothing scared him but allah and immigration. Mostly immigration.

My dad struggled with his english , there was this time when our racist neighbor and dad were having a shouting match and my dad ended it “suck my ass mother flower” (middle eastern accent )

I dissapointed my parents as , I have too many gay friends and islam is homophobic, but for a nation to be anti gay they sure do care about their assholes a lot with the bidets in every bathroom.

My friends would always ask me . why do middle easterners have the permanent ,i smell a fart look? Its make them look mean. Its simple you see, how you would feel if the sun was beaming down on you and you had no ac at home?. You'd be miserable and misery likes company. It’s the main reason why Palestinians and Israel don’t get along , If everybody wore cargo shorts and tank tops instead of robes and turban’s , peace might be upon them.

Things got scary for me sometimes. Nobody knows what its like for your Muslim dad to come home with a backpack on. He'd be horrible at suicide bombs anyways , the instructions were probably in English and he'd probably set the timer on unlimited.

But whatever. You do you.