Every employer is trying to be progressive, even ISIS. They got a four day work week and paid parental leave, but they're still a little backwards when it comes to IED.

(Wdyt? Any good?)

It's scary that balls are filled with micro-plastics.

Sex will never be the same.

Guys are cumming like 3D printers!

(Wdyt? I was thinking about having it be in a different angle, like "my boyfriend's an engineer, he cums like a 3D printer... something something something I dunno)

My English teacher once told me I could really turn a phrase.
I asked, "Into what?"
She then instructed me not to get smart.
I started to feel like maybe I was in the wrong place.
But what could I say? So I just chuckled, got polite, said I had go; I didn't want to be late.
She asked me where I had to be in such a hurry.
I told her the Grammar Club was having a contest.
She seemed skeptical. "Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"What's the contest?"
Guys, I made up the Grammar Club. I think she was on to me, but I stayed the course:
"We're seeing who can come up with the best, uh...gerund."
She smirked. "Really. So how's that going?"
I shrugged. "Eh, I'm in the running."

Hi all,

I’m the best man for my friend who is a pharmacist. I feel like there’s a joke to be had about him going through all the hard work to get two degrees, just to end up prescribing viagra to his old school teachers (actually happened).

Thanks for any advice!

I've tried to improve my joke writing, so here is the best of my recent ones. How can I be more funny?

=

A male painter was praying in a Chuch for a sin. He wanted forgiveness for painting sinful things. He, additionally, committed the sin of theft against a local named Michael. Behind him was a man with clenched fists.

Picasso prayed God would let the Pope find forgiveness in himself for the painter's cubist transgressions on the Sistine Chapel.

=

A woman and her Mom were sitting at the beach.

"Here is some warm chicken soup, my dear," the mom said to her daughter.

"Thanks, I needed that."

"Make sure to get plenty of rest."

Then they heard someone drowning and crying for help.

The lifeguard turned to her Mom and said, "Don't worry I'll be getting plenty of rest."

=

Why did the Mexican woman celebrating her holiday think the Californian Valley Girl understood her culture?

Cause the Valley Girl said, "the Day of, like, the Dead?"

=

How did historians know Abe Lincoln's autism helped him win the Civil War?

Cause he said, "I like trains."

=

Before encountering a small gang led by a tough woman, why did the Terminator use a Book on Reverse Psychology to decide on saying, "Hasta, la vista baby"?

At the time, John Connor was a baby.

=

An Amish person tried to use a Wawa ordering machine. They thought they could barter, but got suprised when the computer crashed. "I've never had a touch for the English technology."

A technician came and said "what button did you press?"

"Oh no, I tried to barter with water."

=

What did the blue-shirted undercover police officer at the office say when asked about his job?

"No, that's not a badge, it's a paperweight."

=

Why did the peasants get mad at the "Let them eat cake" speech by the hoarder aristocratic vegans?

The only had beef within the cakes.

=

The clumsy repair man had the ceiling fan dangling sideways.

"Why did you do that, it's not a windmill?"

"I needed to make an excuse for the broken windows."

=

A worm pizza and a T-shirt we're arguing about which of them loved RFK Jr. more. The worm pizza said it loved him more. The T-Shirt, angry, asked an explanation.

The worm pizza said, "I'm a meat-lovers... do you think when his brain his gone he'll keep his sense of taste?"

"I'm heartbroken," said the T-shirt.

=

Why did Musk make conservative Christians mad? He wouldn't shut up about...

"X-mas paranthesis formerly known as Christmas paranthesis."

=

A dumb butler kept changing pillow cases multiple times a day, even though the washer machine was broken that week.

The same reason the butler kept buying new vacuum cleaners multiple times a day.

=

What did the psychologist specializing in anxiety think when he met a stoic patient? The stoic patient said he worked in HR and explained what that entailed.

If I was like him, I could just ignore people's problems and give them drugs to be happy. That must be why the Mail Man I saw earlier this week seemed high.

=

Why did the elephant eat peanut butter and jelly?

It was gluten intolerant.

=

Why did the elephant eat the peanut butter and bread of it's master's, but not the jelly.

It was jelly of him.

=

How did Pinnochio roast the talking bed?

"There aren't no springs on me.!!"

=

Why did Steve Jobs turn down the GMO apple from the charity?

He couldn't stomach the microapple.

=

A patient got appendecitis after eating a burger with everything on it. Why did the surgeon need to blow his nose after cutting him open?

The onions.

=

What the worst thing to say to a homeless person after giving them the same food everyday?

"An apple a day keeps the insurance premiuns down."

=

Why did the mosquito refuse to leave Matt Gaetz's botoxed face?

Decision paralysis.

=

On Christmas day, why did conservatives say Trump wasn't racist, homophobic, and cared about the environment?

"I've never seen anything like it, an old straight white man trafficking endangered reindeers over my wall, he's coming to our homes. He's coming. He is coming... to YOU."

=

Why did I know my unfaithful wife could go without sex with me?

As a late drop-out, she slept her way through nun school.

=

Why did sight-seers panic when the Statue of Liberty called it a day?

She threw in the towel and called it a day.

=

Why did the bull think it was ok to open an umbrella in a China shop?

It was Taiwanese.

=

Why did the deformed cat with 3 legs play the organ?

When it comes to reaching the pedal, the third leg is the charm.

=

Why did Dolly Parton's brand of bras serve women across the nation?

They served all sizes from 9 to 5...

Or was that "brand of dresses"?

I hate these weirdos riding a horse and buggy on the highway.

They think they’re all cool and retro...

!damn hippies.!<

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2.

I’ve always been anxious in stressful situations

so, I started taking CBD.

It’s really helped—>!I’m much more calm buying crack.!<

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3.

I’m worried about dying.

There's all these micro plastics in us, and they never decompose.

!I don't wanna live forever.!<

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4.

I can’t trust nobody.

Armie Hammer’s a cannibal, Cosby’s a rapist, and David Blaine’s >!not a real wizard.!<

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Thanks for engaging with meh people.

bitch, you ain't a mattress.

She wanted a more wrinkled brain.

Happy conjoined couple or demonstration of sexist beauty standards taking a part of one's individuality.

FIT was so f*cking mad at what MIT just got. What a brain drain.

My students said I forgot what they meant by extra credit so I had to ask it. At least the extra question typed up on my homework for the class wasn't for nothing.

Susie my neighbor came out from the door of her house.

"My dog can't have chocolate chips I'm afraid."

Me and my dog walked a bit.

Gary came up and said, "Your dog Olaf has pawsicles. Don't take the fun creature out during the summer."

"Indeed, he does and I shouldn't. There's no reason why I can't track stuff in your house, you should stop not inviting me to parties."

"Bye bye."

Then Ms. Muffin came around, "Olaf, are trying to talk again, you remember, you're not human."

I then realized if I wasn't already human, Silence of the Humans was the only option. Prepare for the soon to be frozen heart of this doggy, only Jesus Kristoff can stop me now. Woo- I mean, grr...eat!

The man on the bed was telling her a collection of wise phrases from his diary since it was too late to call a doctor and wanted to her to be calm and meditative.

'Today's entry:

"A rolling stone gathers no moss" - heard it on the radio.

"A page turned gathers no dust" - heard it at the office.

"A flipped man gathers no vaginal fluids." - me when I'm about to get a blowjob.

She laughed and said, "I wanted to see the doctor so I could know why you had to stop sex so suddenly, but now I know why."'

"And I secretly thought you were going to see why I had to use a restaruant bathroom."

"Now, before I plan to clean it, I must know if it's a sqaush, gourd, or a fruit?"

"I should've waited to invite you till Christmas's Eggnog was the menu."

Her birthday cake the next day had an 'F' made of icing.

"I prescribe you go to the moon; it'll lighten your burden"

"But why????"

"It's that or the smog of Venus or the rings up your anus."

So I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'

So this December, my city is having a winterfest parade, in which our mayor and city council will be a part of (among others). I'll be passing on a statement that will be announcing our city council as they pass by the parade narrator. The first half of the statement will be introducing the individual councilmembers ("Council President X followed by Councilmembers Firstname Lastname, Firstname Lastname...). The second half, which will be about 15 seconds, will include some humor. So, if anyone has any thoughts for a funny follow-up phrase or joke, please share your ideas!

Be aware that:

• The joke will follow council member introductions and must flow after it.
• Families will be present, so nothing crude.
• Nothing belittling of councilmember reputations or work.
• Can include Christmas elements (perhaps something like "In addition to serving on the city council, theyre also helping assist with Santa's business operations", but more comedic).
• Can have a political hinge to it without being demeaning or politically isolating.

You are welcome to test the limits above, though what will be announced must fall within those guides.

I officially have more crowns than an 18th century king.

Larry the Cable guy’s role as Mater in Cars outshined his previous roles in my opinion. He really missed his opportunity to ride the wave and rebrand as “Larry the Tow Cable guy”.

Giving a speech at my friend’s rehearsal dinner (groom). We were roommates for many years and after joking about how great of a roommate he was and that maybe I should’ve married him, I do a bit about why it wouldn’t have worked. Curious for feedback on the Covid joke and if there’s a less provocative substitute that still gets the same point across.

“But in reality, a marriage between us never would have worked out. He was more of a night owl to my early bird, he’s a Cardinals fan and I am a Cubs fan, and Mark kept the apartment so dirty, there’s a third theory going around that covid may have actually started from whatever expired food he left growing in our fridge.”

Edit: We are both dudes. The joke about me marrying him is really just an exaggeration to show how good of a friend and roommate he is: “I look back fondly on my time living with Mark. He cooked for me, he always asked me about my day when I walked in the door, he never gave me a hard time about playing video games…wait a minute…maybe I should have married Mark.”

For those who don’t know me, my name is Matt and it’s my honor to be the best man. I’ve known {Groom} since we played mustang baseball together. For all you other people, {Groom} can you raise your left had in the air? [Shows ring] You see that ring? [Shows my ring too] We both have wives now. Do you finally believe we aren’t gay?

I know there’s a funnier way of doing this. It became a joke that the groom and I have been so close that people could easily be confused that we’re gay. His mom at one point actually did question him. He made a similar joke when he was best man at my wedding. I think it would be funny to go the route of how now that since we are both married, we can finally confirm it.

I will be getting a custom pie pan as a gift, and I need help with brainstorming a funny phrase to put on the pie pan. Suggestions can(or not) be pie related but I am looking for a specific kind of humor (referencing a meme or a vine)...the best I could come up with right now is 'gibby requires pie' and while I like it, it looks a little odd with the Rae Dunn default font. Can I hear some suggestions on what to put on my pie pan? Max 30 characters. Thanks, all!

Teacher: *Has had enough listening to me and my friend's inane drivel*

I feel like I've lost some IQ points today...

Me: Why, is it your Birthday Sir?

!The punchline of this joke, Imo, subscribes to the 'It's funny because it's true' philosophy of humor. That is because IQ is determined by your Mental Age divided by your Actual Age times 100, you can lose IQ points by simply aging another year while still maintain the same Mental Age as the previous year. I feel like the Joke only makes sense if you know this.WDYT?!<

Hi everyone, I am terrified of writing comedy, and think my jokes aren't funny enough. I need to roast a friend for her birthday along with a few others. Can someone help me, please?

Target 1 - Cindy

Birthday girl

-Busty AF ( but I want the boob joke to be subtle)

-Loud / Obnoxious

-Can drink like a fish

-Alpha female (very aggressive)

-Loves her brands - kind of a show off

Target 2 - Jake

Her husband

-Henpecked

-Has an accent

-Poor drinker/low capacity

Target 3 - Peter

• Short AF

-Very loud

-Womanizer

-Married to a saintly lady

Target 4 - Lucy

-Very calm

-Constantly struggling with her weight

Target 5 - Kevin

-Extremely tall

Hello! I made a website that's like Grammarly but for writing jokes. If you love Scott Dikker's method of creating jokes, you'll love using Checklet to help you write yours.

The app is pretty general, so you can even customize each "checker" for your specific style of writing jokes. I'm looking for feedback, and I hope you find it fun and useful!

https://checklet.page/checker/b1977f89-c726-4b8f-a8cd-a5a38cd07a73#How-to-Write-Funny

I want it to go something like this, "I would tell a joke about modesty, but I'm not a very good comedian," but it just doesn't sound right. Are there any other ways I could word it?

Because it can all abruptly end if an unsupervised child accidentally falls inside her enclosure.