Giving a speech at my friend’s rehearsal dinner (groom). We were roommates for many years and after joking about how great of a roommate he was and that maybe I should’ve married him, I do a bit about why it wouldn’t have worked. Curious for feedback on the Covid joke and if there’s a less provocative substitute that still gets the same point across.

“But in reality, a marriage between us never would have worked out. He was more of a night owl to my early bird, he’s a Cardinals fan and I am a Cubs fan, and Mark kept the apartment so dirty, there’s a third theory going around that covid may have actually started from whatever expired food he left growing in our fridge.”

As I walked into the convenience store today a guy was on his hands and knees looking in the slot of a lottery ticket vending machine. As I walked in he looked up at me.

Him: it took my money Me: [insert joke]

I was bringing my father to the elderly home and the man at the register welcomed us in. His smile faded and he asked us to leave. He told me that I can’t just dump my problem on their establishment. I said “why not? This is an elderly home!” And he said “Sir, your father’s been decapitated.”

For those who don’t know me, my name is Matt and it’s my honor to be the best man. I’ve known {Groom} since we played mustang baseball together. For all you other people, {Groom} can you raise your left had in the air? [Shows ring] You see that ring? [Shows my ring too] We both have wives now. Do you finally believe we aren’t gay?

I know there’s a funnier way of doing this. It became a joke that the groom and I have been so close that people could easily be confused that we’re gay. His mom at one point actually did question him. He made a similar joke when he was best man at my wedding. I think it would be funny to go the route of how now that since we are both married, we can finally confirm it.

I will be getting a custom pie pan as a gift, and I need help with brainstorming a funny phrase to put on the pie pan. Suggestions can(or not) be pie related but I am looking for a specific kind of humor (referencing a meme or a vine)...the best I could come up with right now is 'gibby requires pie' and while I like it, it looks a little odd with the Rae Dunn default font. Can I hear some suggestions on what to put on my pie pan? Max 30 characters. Thanks, all!

Teacher: *Has had enough listening to me and my friend's inane drivel*

I feel like I've lost some IQ points today...

Me: Why, is it your Birthday Sir?

!The punchline of this joke, Imo, subscribes to the 'It's funny because it's true' philosophy of humor. That is because IQ is determined by your Mental Age divided by your Actual Age times 100, you can lose IQ points by simply aging another year while still maintain the same Mental Age as the previous year. I feel like the Joke only makes sense if you know this.WDYT?!<

Hi everyone, I am terrified of writing comedy, and think my jokes aren't funny enough. I need to roast a friend for her birthday along with a few others. Can someone help me, please?

Target 1 - Cindy

Birthday girl

-Busty AF ( but I want the boob joke to be subtle)

-Loud / Obnoxious

-Can drink like a fish

-Alpha female (very aggressive)

-Loves her brands - kind of a show off

Target 2 - Jake

Her husband

-Henpecked

-Has an accent

-Poor drinker/low capacity

Target 3 - Peter

• Short AF

-Very loud

-Womanizer

-Married to a saintly lady

Target 4 - Lucy

-Very calm

-Constantly struggling with her weight

Target 5 - Kevin

-Extremely tall

Hello! I made a website that's like Grammarly but for writing jokes. If you love Scott Dikker's method of creating jokes, you'll love using Checklet to help you write yours.

The app is pretty general, so you can even customize each "checker" for your specific style of writing jokes. I'm looking for feedback, and I hope you find it fun and useful!

https://checklet.page/checker/b1977f89-c726-4b8f-a8cd-a5a38cd07a73#How-to-Write-Funny

I want it to go something like this, "I would tell a joke about modesty, but I'm not a very good comedian," but it just doesn't sound right. Are there any other ways I could word it?

Because it can all abruptly end if an unsupervised child accidentally falls inside her enclosure.

I need some good roast for my soon to be son in law for his 30th bday party.
His name is Taylor He looks like marv off of home alone He wears a fanny pack He like to get high He owns a pleasure boat He is a democrat He used to roller skate

"My friends like to throw these stupid themed parties. They're dangerous, last night the theme was drunk driving."

"It's weird Stephen Hawking went to Epstien Island. What was he doing over there? Tutoring?"

"I read that most new morticians are women. That's kinda weird. We all know why though, right? Guys can't stop fucking these dead bodies.

The worst part about having sex with a corpse is how one-sided it is. They just lay there, like a dead body."

My name is (edited it out), and I'm running for student council at my school. One of my friends won with a joke last year which was "My name is _____ (his name), but you can call be star lord. I'm not sure if I want to take that approach, but I DEFINITELY want something that will catch attention and make people laugh. Thanks!

Assist with the crafting:

My schedule has freed up since I did NOT make this years GQ’s Top 10 eligible bachelors list. {self deprecating of a middle aged dude}However I did make Mad Magazine’s AND they have more subscribers

Suggestions encouraged Make us all laugh

A woman impregnated herself with the contents of a canister of JD Vance’s sperm which was handed out at a rally in Georgia.

She gave birth to a ???

I'm old (see username) so I can't even remember the context in which I heard it but it went something like "That (something) was longer than the Catholic mass!" or "The only thing longer than the Catholic mass is (thing)." Ring any bells for anyone? Apologies if this isn't allowed here, please let me know if there's a better place to ask. Thanks!

EDIT: Now I'm thinking it was more like "(very long event) was shorter than the Catholic mass..." Ugh. Sorry I can't remember more.

Hey guys,

I have a friend's graduation party coming up in a couple days and I have a speech to give. I'm not a comedian, so I figured this was the best place to ask for any ideas on funny jokes that I could use in my speech.

For example, I already used the classic "Funny..Smart..Handsome... but that's enough about myself.." speech intro at a different party, but unfortunately my friend was there and heard that speech as well, so I can't reuse that same line. Any ideas for a funny intro and ending? Thanks in advance.

If it's any help, my audience will probably consist of an even mix of young and older people (including parents), so if possible, nothing offensive or rude that might ruin the atmosphere.

Everyone says Swedes are the most attractive ethnicity, but the Swedes have it easy, they’re a well fed bunch, they have the best health care in the world, and rank as one of the happiest peoples. Now the North Koreans on the other hand, they’re not exactly Victoria’s Secret or even McDonalds cashier material, but they’re all starving. They don’t have any health care, and they probably have never felt happiness. But I think they could be really attractive, in the right circumstances, so what needs to happen is we take a Swede and put her in North Korea, and put a North Korean in Sweden, and then see what happens. I suspect it would make the North Korean look a lot better, but I don't know if it would make Greta Thunberg look any worse.

Trans people aren't what they used to be.

On the subject of pornography, I'll come to that later.

1. I was stopped by a man in a brothel once. I was really worried, I thought fuck I have to stop visting these highly illegal brothels in Indonesia. This could be an Indonesian policeman, I could be going to jail for life. And I had just finished in this hot woman too, I was on top of the world until he showed up. But all he said to me was you still owe me twenty bucks. I then noticed the wig in his hand, and realized what happened.

2. Anal sex is like a Ferrari, it looks flashy, but you’ll never get to try it, and even if you did it probably wouldn’t work well. It’s also mega gay. Just to be clear, that is about how the Ferrari is gay definitely not anal sex. I wanted to get some feedback on my comedy, so I told chat-gpt that joke, and it did not like it. It said it was harmful to call something mega gay, so I said can you think of a better joke. It replied with this

“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make everything up”

I said, "That’s better really?"

It said, "Thanks. I'm glad you agree." But isn’t Chat-GPT’s joke offensive to Adams because it insinuates that they make everything up. Somehow that’s okay, but calling something mega gay isn’t. 

3. Have you seen this tik tok and Instagram influencer people that try to get people to look at their ass? Basically, they’ll go into the store or gym with skimpy clothing, and then hope people stare at them, so that they can post it on Tik Tok or Instagram. And people actually look at them, it’s really disturbing, men young and old, gay and straight, and women too. It just might be because the person has a camera and is filming people, and not because these gay men want to look at some lady’s ass, and that they’re not actually gay. Also, to look at these womens’ asses' these men must have excellent vision because there is nothing to see, at least nothing natural, and not plastic. I would say to all the people that think these men are creepy and leering at women that plenty of men pay attention to Greta Thunberg, and she has no ass, or tits for that matter. Although, Trump doesn’t, so there may be some truth to these social media influencers' videos.

Sex is a boolean AND operation. If neither wants to, you shouldn't have sex. If only one of you wants to, you shouldn't have sex. Only if both of you want to should you have sex.

Conservative sex is an XOR operation. It doesn't matter who wants to as long as there's one 1 and one 0 involved.

Sex with me is a NOT operation.

A lesbian feminist math professor at an all girls college stands up in front of her class on the first day and says: “misogynistic patriarcal mathematicians say women aren’t good at math, they will say that be because this class is made up of 100 women, only 68 of you will pass- but we need to prove them wrong! I ask: one of you lovely young ladies would like to step up and be my … um… sixty eleven!?”

So the idea is there’s two comic elements in the joke. First misdirection- you expect her to say my 69, making a sexual innuendo (she’s lesbian). Second although shes a professor and has a chip on her shoulder about stereotypes about women doing math, she can even add 68+1.

I can’t figure out how to phrase the joke so that both pop out. What number (or non-number) conveys the point? Best? 70? Sixty-ten? 67?

Disclaimer- this joke is not meant to discriminate or perpetuate any stereotypes about women or LGBT persons- I just see the potential for these tropes to work together ironically in a funny way.

So theres this anime character named tsukasa and I wanted to put it in a joke as something along the lines of, so they were saying "my house is like this guy?" And then insert a picture of him.

How do I phrase this better to make it both understandable and still funny?

I'm thinking of getting a Divorce

Why?

My wife and I have become too compatible.

What's that supposed to mean?

I want to die, and she wants to kill me.

He's made fun of my dyslexia throughout the years so was thinking of trying to make jokes at him using play on words, puns, whatever.

I've only got 1 and it's not so good I don't think: "Ever since meeting at a surf camp in 2010, George has been nothing short of a cunt..inuing source of friendship".

Hoping some more creative people may be able to help me craft some lines to use :)

Can anyone string together a good way to slam my boss? She’s a real asshole, she bullies everyone. Heaps of employees have left the company because of her.

I just want to be able to laugh it off.

Here’s some info:

She’s super fake, fake boobs, fake teeth, Botox, fillers, tattooed eyebrows. That matches her personality as she’s nice to strangers and then a massive bully to workers.

She has the worst smell, body odour. Stinks as much as her personality.

Her partner works in a not for profit company, she’s driven this company into the ground so I guess she’s in a not for profit too now.

Lastly, this is harsh but she had to get a hysterectomy, even her body didn’t want her to procreate. Her uterus was like get me out of here.

Hopefully none of you live in Boston and work at the same place.

its not a full time job but its enough to make hens meet