He sits down orders a drink, then plops one of his victims toes into the drink like an olive in a martini.

The bartender frowns and asks "what's the deal with the toes in his drink? You didn't steal from my stash did you?"

"No these are toes of my victims."

"Ok sorry about that, thought you stole my toe stash"

He sips his drink and asks, "so you kill and collect toes too?" With a smirk

"No, no. I just cut my own toes. I just like the taste it's like a comfort thing."

" I like the taste but the best part is thinking of how I slashed them off to the victims horror"

A cop over hears them and immediately handcuffs them and takes them to his car

The deranged, psychopathic serial killer is calm mainly because of the toe martini giving him a good buzz but the bartender is freaking out on the verge of tears. "Man those are my toes. What's wrong??"

The cop throws them in the car, and looks around then hops in.

He pauses for a second then asks, "does it actually taste good?"

They both exclaim "yes it's wonderful, can't get enough."

"Heres the deal give me a toe each from ur stashes and I'll cut u loose."

"Coming right up" the bartender snaps off one of his last ones and yells

The cops loves it and tells them his brother is a famous chef and he will try to sell him on the idea and pay them tribute for it

2 weeks pass, and toes are the new big thing from toe chews, to toe jerky, to toe steak, and so on

Sitting in the mansion they bought together, The deranged, psychopathic serial killer is having his 9th toe of the morning. The bartender tells him he's gotta ease back on the toes, it's getting out of hand

The fast food business follows suit, and they now are making cheap, processed toe, to the dismay of true aficionados

The McToe takes over, taking profits out of the Biggest Toe Restaurants and Martini Lounges

2 weeks pass and there's a shortage on toes

Everyone's down to their last 2, and imports of toes aren't the same quality bc of the shipping processes and delays

"Rotten toe, again." The deranged, psychopathic serial killer says angrily and spits it out. "Yuck"

"Fuck this." The bartender slits his own throat with his sharp severed toe. The big one is still sharp as shit, blood rushes out.

"Have my toes." He says as he lets his last breath out.

The deranged, psychopathic serial killer collects the toes and spends the next week on a total toe bender.

I foresee a potential conflict of interest, especially when it comes to corporate tax laws.

He's followed by a viking with a tire in his shirt, a ninja with a brake pedal in his shoe, a samurai with a seatbelt in his hat, and a mafioso with a rear-view mirror in his tie.

The bartender assumes he's being jumped and calls the police.

They’re harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

“Where’s my tractor?”

Q: are you a fireman

A: no I’m not

The man replies "I have never had roast duck, is it good?"

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."

"Oh, I might as well take up such an offer."

I'm glad he's no longer an orphan and has a wealthy and successful father who cares about his musical aspirations.

The third guy ducks....

Due to the narrow doorway, one walks behind the other one.

Nothing, most likely. It’s not until a birth certificate that a baby’s name is official.

Bilingual

Little Richard, fondly called Rick, hailed from a secluded English village, where his parents toiled as daily wage laborers, barely scraping by to meet their needs. With scant resources, toys were a luxury Little Richard could only dream of, watching enviously as other children played with theirs.

Time passed, and Little Richard found himself in school. One fateful day on his way home, he stumbled upon a gleaming horseshoe-shaped trinket. Captivated by its polished surface and smooth contours, he clutched it tightly, making it his constant companion from that moment onward.

Growing older, Richard left his humble town in pursuit of greater opportunities. Under the tutelage of a renowned blacksmith, he honed his craft, crafting the finest swords in all of England. His skills earned him favor among top military commanders, leading him to not only master smithing but also excel as a swordsman.

As war erupted between England and France, Richard, fueled by patriotism, enlisted and found himself on the frontlines. His valor and dedication propelled him through the ranks, eventually attaining the status of captain. Despite England's triumph, Richard remained in service, defending his homeland across continents, always accompanied by his cherished horseshoe trinket.

Years passed, and Richard 's valor caught the Queen's attention, earning him knighthood. During the ceremony, an assassin lunged at the Queen, poised to strike. Richard, without hesitation, threw himself into harm's way, opting to shield her rather than use his trinket as a weapon. Though the assassin was thwarted, Richard fell, mortally wounded by the assailant's blade.

In recognition of his selfless sacrifice, Richard was posthumously awarded the Victoria Cross. As he stood at the gates of heaven, Saint Peter asked " My son.... you have led an exemplary life, one worthy of heaven. But I cannot but wonder, you could've easily stopped the assassin with a hurl of your horseshoe trinket. Why did you have to jump in front of him? "

To this Rick answered:

" Never gonna give U up.... Never gonna let U down.... Never gonna run around and desert U.... "

He fell out of the farmer's truck.

Of course you haven't. Snowflakes are incapable of holding political positions.

She needs to be more careful when looking through her closet.

It could be due to the background noise

With one of those spiky hammer things

Air

Opens door

1. It requires no mental effort
2. We're still suprised when the punchline isn't a punchline

This is living using only the brainstem

Because they're dead.

He thought he had seen his friend Keith but it was just a phone box.

To get to the other side.

He proceeds to have an existential crisis after he realizes that he walked into the physical manifestation of the lyrics that he just spoke.

Trustworthy

One day, Timmy's teacher asks him, "Timmy, if I give you 2 cats, then another 2 cats and then another 2 cats, how many cats would you have?". Timmy replied, "7".

The teacher said, "Listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, then 2 cats after that and then 2 more cats, how many cats would you have in total?". Timmy replied, "7".

The teacher, confused, said, "Ok, let's try this differently. If I give you 2 oranges, then another 2 oranges and then another 2 oranges, how many oranges would you have?". Timmy replied, "6".

The teacher then replied, "Great! So if I give you 2 cats, then another 2 cats and then another 2 cats, how many cats would you have?". Timmy replied, "7".

The teacher, frustrated, said, "Why do you keep replying 7 when you know how to add 2+2+2?"

Timmy said, "Cuz I already have 1 cat at home"

Everyone knows the black dudes would stomp the crackers. Crackers are inanimate objects... they are food.