Can anyone else relate?

I am losing my mind today.

My mother passed away on October 7th, 2024. My mother was an amazing woman, a survivor most of her life already until colon cancer ravaged her.

I got her away from my dad, helped her through the divorce, and she lived in my home, in peace, for literally the rest of her life.

I fed her, I bathed her, I brushed her hair, I nursed her, I did for her all the things she did for me as a child.

But she made me promise to tell my dad when she passed. And I keep my promises, much to my current regret.

After crying my eyes out I broke the news to friends and family, and him

And WITHIN 12 HOURS HE CALLS ME BACK

I have witnesses. My friends flooded my house when they heard the news. And I had him on speaker phone.

Everyone close to me heard my FATHER say "Did she kill herself? Can I have a copy of her death certificate?" BECAUSE HE HAS A $100,000 LIFE INSURANCE POLICY HE CAN'T CASH OUT ON AS A DIVORCEE WITHOUT A CERTIFIED COPY. AND HE WANTED TO MAKE SURE THE CANCER WAS WHAT DID HER IN

And he asked me THE DAY SHE DIED. THE DAY

And then today, when I still haven't even gotten my MOTHER'S CORPSE BACK FROM CREMATION, he posted MY MOTHER'S OBITUARY

With lovely seemingly innocuous comments that were SNIDE REMARKS TO HER CHARACTER

IN HER OBITUARY

I realized this morning that one of my classes has been causing memories of my abusive ex to come up more than usual. My ability to concentrate on school is getting affected.

I have CPTSD and my ex greatly contributed to my CPTSD.

Breathing exercises tend to cause anxiety so I generally avoid those.

I’m so sick of my ex taking over my brain. I’m no contact with her, haven’t dated since the break up 7 years ago.

When the memories come up it’s often flashbacks. I’m struggling to live in the moment and be present.

I feel like she stole my past by the abuse, but in the present I also feel robbed like she still has power over me.

Any advice on how to recover more quickly when the memories come up? I want to be in the present and focus on school. I’m sick of the past slamming me in the present.

I’m in therapy but won’t see my therapist until next week. I’ll bring this up to my therapist but turning to Reddit in the meantime. I want to be in my body, here and now, so badly.

What has helped you guys when you’ve experienced memories interfering with your concentration and motivation with stuff you need to do, like school?

Has anyone experienced sudden depression post divorce? Recently divorced from high conflict partner after 4 years of a highly stressful contentious marriage. Suddenly there is a feeling of absolute depression that didn’t exist before? While married I didn’t have this feeling but in the aftermath I feel exhausted, and like I don’t want to function.

I’m writing this as a form of therapy, to help myself, to help others, and maybe some of you with your own experiences can help me too. My story began 14 years ago when I was 18 years old. That’s when I met the woman I thought, up until recently, was the love of my life. It was a passionate relationship on both sides, for better and for worse. She was a girl with very low self-esteem, raised without a father, but with a kindness that drew me in deeply. She had the biggest, most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. In a superficial world, she was exactly what I was looking for—someone with values, which was what truly made me fall in love with her.

On the other hand, I was very extroverted, had a lot of friends, and, like most 18-year-olds, I had high self-esteem. I thought I could take on the world. A year after we started dating, I had a falling out with my father, with whom I had always had a strained relationship, and I was kicked out of my house. My partner was with me when it happened, and with her family’s approval, I moved in with them. Once there, I supported her from day one in pursuing her dream of becoming a nurse. She had never received any support from her family, so I took on that role of “father,” though to me it was simply caring for the person I loved and helping her achieve her dream. From helping her with money for university to studying together to providing emotional and moral support, especially given her lack of experience facing the world.

On top of that, I supported her through a surgery that affected our sexual life for several years. I was always there, helping her feel comfortable with her body and trying to make sure she could relax and enjoy herself with me.

Having grown up in a family full of constant fights, I made one rule for our relationship: 100% honesty, no matter what, whether good or bad. I believed the root of all the problems I’d seen in my family was dishonesty, and I promised myself I wouldn’t go through the same things as my parents.

During all that time, we grew together, loved each other, and promised eternal love—to die by each other’s side. All my future plans revolved around her and helping her reach her goals. As for me, while I’m somewhat intelligent, I’ve always struggled to stay consistent with my studies, and since I didn’t have anyone supporting me, I ended up dropping them altogether, focusing only on working and saving money so we could buy a house and live together.

From the start, we were very different people. She was disorganized and impulsive, a heavy smoker, and would cry over small things. That’s how I met her, and that’s how I loved her. But I always tried to help her improve those aspects, not for me but for her health and her future. She never took responsibility for her mistakes and would always use her sister or my demands as excuses to justify her problems. She also lied frequently, using little white lies to avoid conflict or distort reality. Luckily, I have a good memory and could always catch them, though I didn’t give them much importance, thinking they were small and insignificant. How wrong I was...

In these 14 years, we’ve gone through so much together—loss of family members, my reconciliation with my family—and three years ago, she finally got her dream job. But since then, everything went downhill. Something had changed. I didn’t know what, but she wasn’t the same anymore. We grew emotionally distant, especially her. Despite that, I continued to support her unconditionally every day—when she came home crying or scared about facing the next day. While she was at work, I would send her messages of love and encouragement. Even if we were angry at each other, I’d still give her a kiss goodnight while she slept.

This last year, I noticed a drastic shift in her attitude, especially in how she respected me. The way she talked to me, or even considered me, had changed. Still, she kept telling me how much she loved me, that she was only working to save for our house, and that she would never cheat on me.

Then, one day, during a conversation, I picked up on something between the lines—she wasn’t including me in her future plans. That was the first time alarms went off in my head, and that’s when I discovered she had been flirting with several colleagues for the past two years. When I confronted her, she couldn’t deny it, and she also admitted to sexting a coworker for months. There was no regret in her eyes, no remorse. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It felt like my whole life was crumbling in front of me. It was impossible. The person who had sworn eternal love to me, who I had never lied to, and whom I loved more than anyone, had betrayed me.

I packed my things and left, only to return half a day later and decide to give her another chance (that came from me, not her). We couldn’t end it over just “photos,” I thought. For three months, I read every relationship therapy guide I could find, trying to fix things. I was consumed. I didn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, and my mind was constantly racing, working to solve it. I didn’t want to lose her. During those three months, I asked her repeatedly to tell me all the details so I could move past the uncertainty and heal. The first thing she did was delete all the conversations with other people and refuse to let me retrieve the messages with this coworker. She said it was her decision and thought it would hurt me more, so I believed her. I asked multiple times if anything more had happened with this coworker, and she always said no—that the sexting was as far as she’d gone and that she would never do something like that at work.

But after three months of watching me deteriorate mentally and physically, I uncovered another lie and decided to end the relationship. A few days later, we met up, and she confessed the whole truth: she had slept with him. Every time she was at work last year, while I was sending her messages of support, she was sleeping with him. She had fallen in love with him; I could see it in her eyes. She admitted she hadn’t loved me for two years, that she had kept talking to him throughout those three months, and that she never wanted a second chance. She also told me that during our fights over the past year, she would think, “You don’t know what’s happening. Screw you.” How can someone you’ve loved so much, who swore eternal loyalty, who talked about having children and building a future together, do something like that? How can someone live with such a massive lie, knowing the impact it would have on the other person? Knowing that problems can be worked through? I would have literally given my life for her. How could she let me wither away for months, knowing she didn’t want to be with me anymore and was still with him?

It’s been a month since we broke up, and I’m lucky to have had my family’s support. But I’ve lived through what I can say has been the worst experience of my life. I’m completely lost. I don’t know what to do with my life. She was everything to me—my past, my present, my future. I have no motivation to move forward. What’s the point of living in a world where the person you loved the most can do this to you? What’s the point of love? Who can I trust now? This is not a world I want to live in. I tried to take my life once, but my family saved me, and the thought still lingers in my mind. The feeling of helplessness is overwhelming. It’s even worse when I catch myself thinking that I want to be with her again and hoping she’ll regret what she did one day. I’ve sought professional help, but I feel like I’m alone in this, and only I can get myself out.

This group and others on Reddit have helped me realize that while I'm alone, other success stories has been a great source of strength. That’s why I want to thank all of you for your support. One thing that keeps haunting me after reading a lot on the subject is whether my ex fits the profile of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Can people really act this way without any underlying disorder? I find it hard to believe, but maybe that’s just how life is, and I’m only realizing it now. I know my writing is disorganized and confusing, but that’s exactly how my mind feels at the moment, so I apologize. I’m open to giving more details if anyone thinks they might help. Thank you all for reading my story, and thank you for your opinions and experiences.

I'm in the process of withdrawing myself from a long distance relationship (have not physically met my partner yet) that became emotionally abusive to me. I just recently recognized what is going on and after I recognized it, I decided to break up. Being in shock and grief and all that.

We didn't physically met yet, but we had calls, lots of voice chat talking while gaming together, we had video calls, lots of texting, sexting, phone sex, and all that. I fell in love with him and from the very beginning I thought it was mutual, because I experienced a lot of admiration and idealization. Now trying to process all this what happened.

Did anyone have experience or know someone who had an abusive relationship even if it was a distant one? Can narcissists really apply all this to a distant relationship?

Each time I believed him that he is lonely and miserable, he later turned out to have a super close group of friends. They knew each other since 4 years now. They create businesses together. They go on vacation together. They talk daily. It's literally these things that I wish I could have but could just never. It makes me feel so bitter and even question myself if I was the abuser. Everyone just says narcs have only surface level friends, but this is clearly not that type of friendship and a much closer one

Hello!

It's been almost 3 years after I "escaped"... and then the divorce. I feel I'm doing pretty well in my professional and family life. I was unemployed, broken, dysfunctional, homeless, and suffering from severe PTSD after being in a marriage with a covert narcissist. Over these years, my life has changed for the better in many ways. I've made progress in my career and have doubled my income. I was able to buy my first home, recover from PTSD, and I'm in the process of starting my own business and going back to graduate school. The "shared fantasy" with the narcissist has dissolved and is now a distant memory that no longer controls my present. I feel good and happy in my own skin, but it took a while to get here.

However, when I think about dating again, I don't feel any desire to get to know a potential partner. I simply don't feel interested. I can recognize that some people are beautiful and attractive, but I have no desire to date them. I wonder why this is. It feels like I'm 100% focused on my goals and being good myself. Did this happen to you after divorcing a narcissist? Is it that now I subconsciously associate relationships with suffering, burden, and death? I genuinely want to understand the reasons...

Did you regain your interest in dating again, and if so, how long did it take after the divorce?

My mother emotionally abused me, infantilized me and enmeshed me throughout my 20s so I would not leave home. As a result, I am extremely anxious and people-pleasing, I am terrified of setting boundaries or saying no and live in dread that I will anger or disappoint my family. I also find it difficult to make close friends because I fear rejection. I also married a man who has an explosive temper similar to my mother (though he is not abusive or manipulative). I resort to self-harm when I am bring yelled at. I also have trouble making decisions, am obsessed with making lists, have trouble concentrating, and procrastinate feeling difficult or scary emotions. Yes, I am in therapy and do a lot of journaling.

Did you guys notice any changes in your relationship with food post surviving narc abuse? When I used to live with my Nsister, she was very controlling about any good/ tasty food or snacks. Be it a simple bag of chips, if we are sharing it, she'd bother me constantly while eating. Stuff like "you are taking all the bigger chips", "why are you eating so fast? You are finishing more, you are not leaving any for me" etc. She would always want to have/ not let me have the last bite or the best part of anything. It wasn't even shared or taking turns. It was always her who'd get the best bite. She wouldn't even let me have my separate things and I always had to share because it is wasting money to buy too many snacks (it wasn't even her money, it was our mom's). But I was a very vulnerable, hurt teenager and couldn't say anything.

After I moved away from her, I have noticed that I always made sure I had enough snacks. I'd have separate snacks and avoid sharing because it made me conscious if I was eating too fast/ too much etc.

When I started dating my now husband, he had this habit of picking the tastiest bit of anything, the crunchiest french fry, the centre of a sandwich etc for me. When he did it for the first time, I was almost moved to tears and it took so much effort to not cry. I had never experienced that kind of love. And it felt like he healed something that was broken.

We now have little arguments while sharing food but they are about how the other person should have the best bit. We usually settle on half and half or this time you have it and next time I'll have it. It sounds like a small thing really, but it wasn't for me at some time.

His new supply came up on my suggested accounts on Instagram, almost 2 years they’ve been together, and she has him as her profile picture. He was rotten to me, abused me while I was grieving, told me he didn’t want anything serious. Then within weeks got into a serious relationship with her, moved across the country to live with her and spoiled her so much while she was grieving.

She bragged so much on social media, so I stopped looking a very long time ago. Just recently he requested to follow me on my private Instagram, I blocked him. Now a few weeks later I notice not only are they still together, but she has him & her as her profile picture. I’m so mad, haven’t had any luck with dating since him, I was destroyed after him, and he gets to be happy in love with this new supply.

How are they still together?? How does she still not see him for who he is????

I've been No-Contact for a while, and it has been beneficial for me. I've made a lot of progress and healed in ways I thought were impossible.

Recently, I noticed that the narcissist completely changed his whole personality, including his hair color, hairstyle, dressing style, and even his tone of voice. It was shocking for me to witness this transformation. This reminds me of the video "Character Trait Acquisition" by Hg Tudor, and I wanted to understand this better. How does this happen? Usually, a normal individual may change throughout life, but his or her core personality traits remain constant. However, due to the lack of a true identity, the narcissist copies the character traits of others, and integrates these character traits into the "construct" or "False Self"... and becomes that personality, which would be functional as long as the Fuel keeps flowing. So, basically, the narcissist can morph into any personality like a chameleon, like "mystique" (the character of X-men).

Being married to someone for years, and it isn't very clear to witness their whole personality changing. After all, narcissistic personality disorder IS a disorder of the personality... and sometimes I forget the magnitude of the mental pathology I was dealing with. It's not just an asshole who's abusive. It's some sort of body that lacks a personality and is possessed by a demon- the False Self (at least in my personal experience).

I was watching the other day a TV show that exhibits the nature of the shapeshifter, and I found this interesting as the scene resembles the moment when the mask slips... and the narcissist runs away, almost on a collision course, getting rid of the personality they have used to trick you and copy the personality of someone else. Even though my ex-husband was diagnosed with NPD, bipolar, depression, anxiety, and other mental conditions... I am convinced that he's a sociopathic narcissist.

We have discussed several times that the narcissist seeks Fuel/Narcissistic Supply, character traits, and residual benefits. I also liked this other scene, as it shows how the shape-shifter traps the victim and comes back later on (hoover), to recharge (obtain fuel), and update the character traits as the copied personality is falling apart.

Although this TV show is purely fictional, I like these examples as they explain these complex topics occurring in the psyche of the narcissist. And despite the facade, this whole time I was dealing with a No-Face

I see posts from people who say that their life immediately got perfect after leaving the narc. They suddenly got very lucky, had a glow up, met new people, and whatnot. In my case, I still feel as terrible as during the relationship. During the relationship, I felt bad because of my nex. But now, I feel bad because of the anxiety and PTSD that my nex has caused me. And it's been 1 year and 8 months. I still feel like no good things happen to me while my nex gets it all. I still feel like my nex affects me a lot and the people around me can see it too. I have been to therapy, but all they could do is just to provide me with ways to handle my anxiety. Is it just me?

I've asked him for months to please stop pressuring me into sex - which included suggesting we have sex. He doesn't take no and I don't like how I feel when I "let him."

I feel heartbroken today. My parents live in a different country, and escaping my Nmom was the biggest motivation for me to move to the other side of the world 10 years ago. I maintained low contact for a several years and finally went NC because even low contact was exhausting.

When I went NC, I deleted the messaging app they use so I stopped talking to my dad as well. I never told him why and he probably doesn’t know my issues with Nmom because I never said anything to him. He travelled for work a lot when I was a kid, and Nmom is covert narcissist and she only showed her abusive side when she’s with me alone. Dad was very occupied with work and we don’t have a super close relationship to have heart to heart convos, but he never did anything hurtful to me like Nmom. Nmom was a stay at home mom and tried to tell everyone how great she was as a mom.

This year I finally went back to visit, mainly because I do miss my home country and I also met up with my parents. I was able to limit the time I spend with them and shut down weird comments from Nmom (she has this habit that I absolutely hate- she always tried to whisper negative things to me so I’d be the only one to hear it and people around can stay unaware).

But on my last day here, my dad asked me how he can stay in touch with me when I’m back in the U.S. I just told him I can download the messaging app again. But I want to tell him to not tell my mom if I start using the messaging app again, and I think he’ll ask why, and I don’t know what I want to tell him. It’s so much history and I don’t know if it’s the right thing to share because they are still married and live together in my childhood home (although they’ve been sleeping in separate rooms since I was young and they don’t really have much of a relationship either, more like roommates).

It kinda breaks my heart feeling like I’m closing the door on him because I don’t know how to maintain a relationship with him with this family dynamic, not because I don’t want a relationship with him. I can foresee Nmom being dramatic if she finds out that I’m talking to my dad but now her though. This is actually one reason I never had a close relationship with my dad to begin with, when I was young Nmom would get mad at me if she sees texts from me on my dad’s phone (just normal text like if I’m out shopping and asking my dad if he wants food or anything), Nmom sees the text notification on the phone’s locked screen and would blow up at me over this because she resents dad and don’t want me to be talking to him. Anyways, to avoid drama I just kept my communications to my dad to a minimal and this was like 25 years ago.

Do you guys know what I can do? Sorry for the rambling I’m bawling my eyes out.

I don’t know anymore. We’ve been in an on/off relationship for 4 years. Long story short… he has always been the one to leave and come back when he sees im doing well. this past year, I stopped keeping quiet like I used to, and he got tired of it. There were about three major situations where I had to beg for his “forgiveness”. And one was that I left him because he do not have emotional responsibility and i was tired that its all about him, but we talked two days after that.

Then 2 weeks later just for asking him a question about another employee (hes been my boss for a year and a half) he told me ‘Please don't bring this up with me. If you're going to do so, it's better that we have nothing. You're not going to change, this relationship is not for you, it would be cruel to keep it going. I don't want a relationship with anyone; I want to be alone and have peace! This dynamic is toxic, and I don't want it in my life. I don't want to try anything again.'"

I have broken up with my nex almost 2 years ago. I STILL have thw subconscious feeling that if I don't impress him or reach his level, I will be a worthless human being. I seriously tried to switch my thoughts to something else, tried to come up with more rational thoughts. But nope, my subconscious still pushes the idea that I'll be worthless if I don't achieve as much as my nex. What is the explanation?

So my questions are for these 2 scenarios

1: When you just met the covert narc and just start to get to know him you maybe you were just talking or even had one or two dates and for some reason you decide to ghost him how do the covert narc normaly react and what do they do?

2: Is when you known the covert narc for a while and had a relationship with him?

3: If they do try to contact you after you ghosted them how many days did it take in scenario 1 and 2.

And a final question is there any diffrence in reaction and behavior when you ghost a covert narc or overt narc?

Howdy everyone! I’m trying to work on some insecurities I’m having around dating and looking for some insight. A little about me, I have diagnosed OCD, ADHD and generalized anxiety disorder. I was with my ex for 5 years from 18-23 and it was a high manipulative, cohesive, controlling domestic violence situation.

I’m now almost 3 years out from leaving and I’m very happy, secure, confident, grateful for my life and I’ve recently met someone I really like! The issue is it’s been like a trigger for all of these insecurities. I’ve been looking back on conversations with them trying to figure out if I did something wrong, or analyzing any potential changes in their behavior, I’ve been having non stop obsessive thoughts going over every conversation. I can’t stress this enough, these aren’t cute day dreams, it’s boarder line distressing.

I’m in therapy and I consider myself a very confident woman otherwise. I’m sure this is a response partially due to my abuser, partially due to development stuff, and certain strategies I developed to survive that relationship. But I want to go into this with less stress! I’m in an era of my life I’m doing ok, I don’t want to feel constantly on edge. I’ve been on dates after leaving and it’s happened every time. I can guess this is an anxious attachment style but what do I actually do about that? Like I’m trying to do better.

I’ve only done three episodes so far (you gotta start somewhere, right?), but I have a lot of material, as well all do. I took this week off because I recently became a little homeless because my executive functioning isn’t… functioning. I’ll be back in the saddle in no time… hopefully. Until then, give a listen, maybe. It’s a comedy podcast with serious stuff… or a serious podcast with funny stuff. Either way, I say “fuck” a lot.

Thanks in advance.

https://open.spotify.com/show/5igWgJJVd4KDSZFoIXwwLI?si=bv93js18QvGg4Rl4RJMOUw

I want her to be worse without me.

First time my nex blocked me was bc they did not like something I said. Second time was for no reason. Now, I wanted them to tell me how they got successful in a particular field, and they told me they will only tell me if I do certain things like they say. I did them but not exactly like they wanted, so instead of an answer I gained a block.

I am kinda mad at myself bc I should have been the one blocking. And I also don't get why this even happened and why they make such a big deal out of this one detail not being as they want.

My parents, siblings, and my sibling’s spouses all have a text thread that we share to wish each other happy birthdays and happy holidays. Very basic communication thread.

Since last Saturday, the discussion took a sharp turn into politics when my brother posted about the assassination attempt. We have a mix of political views in the family, but there are a few moderate to far right believing individuals. We are also a mixed faith family, with some very conservative believers and some non-believers (about 50:50). I myself, moved from conservative to liberal views after I realized the religion I was raised in utilized same and similar tactics of control as my abusive ex. I have had to set boundaries with family in the past, but usually just thank others for good thoughts/prayers on my behalf and we move forward.

I didn’t read nor respond to the thread on Saturday due to a child’s birthday party. However, I really struggle with the individual who is running on the conservative side as his personality/behavior/actions mirror my nex’s personality/behavior/actions. I try to avoid politics because of this. I am much better than I used to be, but there are some stories/news that will trigger a PTSD response in me. I try to avoid it.

Anyway, I have an in-law who ran for a vacating senate seat, and while this individual did not win in the primaries, they did get a good portion of the vote. They did go to the convention yesterday as a delegate. In the family thread there were pictures of them with “famous” conservatives and of pictures with the top political candidate that I have a difficult time with, for obvious reasons. I don’t agree with their politics, and I had enough. I was not going to remain on the text thread to just allow it to fester and cause me anguish.

I know my family can see that I left the conversation. There have just been crickets from the family. Nothing. No reaching out, no communication, no questions…nothing.

I am ok with that. I am not going to put myself in a compromising situation for their benefit. It will harm me, and my spouse/kids as I wouldn’t be able to be fully present.

I just want to reiterate that no matter who you are around, you always have at least some control. Don’t be afraid to leave or remove yourself from a conversation if it begins to have a negative impact. You don’t have to give an explanation to others when you leave.

Just be safe, work on your self healing, and be on the path to being better. You do not have to stay.

Before being with a narcissist, I could fall in love easily and with anyone. Now, I only get weak crushes on people (usually those who have the same nationality as my nex) and these always end after 1 week. After that, my brain flips a switch and the feelings cease to exist. I know many people could say that it is typical after experiencing your first love, but in my case I am sure that my ability to fall in love just vanished. Subconsciously, that is

So I've already confronted spouse about the fact he has multiple chat apps on his phone. They are all locked. Yesterday decided to look into some of the apps I've seen on his phone to see what they are for. The app text me, we'll iam shocked to know that you can download an app that gives you the capability of having multiple phone numbers that you can use to call or text people all over the world. It's like having multiple phones in one. Then I look into the signal app.. just more secrecy. He has a few social apps he won't except my friend request on as well. I can't asked questions about any of it cause I'm supposed to trust him completely. There have already been a few things that has my mind in that space of feeling like he is trying to pull the sheet over my head.

Hi, left my N parents after years of struggle and trauma, but as I hit new recovery milestones my urge to urinate is so frequent and I also I get thirsty a lot (I’m not diabetic) so I drink water a lot, the urges are like every 20-25 minutes and it’s annoying when I’m outside and I hate public toilets (cleanliness OCD)

However every 2-3 days I walk 6+ kilometres in a single go which takes around an hour and most of the times when I walk I don’t get an urge

Is this normal?? And what can I do about it?

I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist that ended up with my suicidal attempt. The relationship was a classic vicious circle filled with lies, abuse, manipulation and cheating from that person's side and echoing and neglect of the problems from my side. After the attempt, the person blocked me with no message left. I ended up hospitalized and with a PTSD that developed further on. I am still healing, recovering, and in hands of professionals. Now, I'm not blocked anymore. I would like to receive an answer from that person: why did he react as he did. My psychologist is not giving me a certain answer and my friends do neither. I am afraid that the person would tell me something bad what would worsem my mental state. What should I do? Should I risk this?

I was fat-shamed, publicly humiliated, physically assaulted, manipulated, gaslit etc by my narcissistic sister the entire first 28 years of my life. No matter how much I try to get my parents to care they just dismiss me. Nobody gives a shit about how I feel. I am socially handicapped and have almost no friends as a result. She ruined my life. I'll be living my life happily then it always comes crashing down with the memories of mistreatment.

Now I'm going to go solo karaoke and scream as loud as I can lol.