as heading says, thank you!

Lately I've been really dealing with denial. And I still am not convinced, I haven't dealt with much dissociation lately except for the last 2 days which seem to be really triggered by a specific movie. It seems that whenever I watch movies about biploar characters in particular, it really triggers my dissociation and I start to feel new expressions, words, movements, feelings come out. Does this make sense to anyone?

I'm thinking maybe its because of their mannerisms and movements when they play these characters, it's like maybe parts relate to it or something? I was watching the movie Touched With Fire which seemed to be the biggest trigger, a movie about 2 manic depressives in a mental institution, their mania is the trigger. I don't believe I am bipolar btw, I have adhd which symptoms can look similar, and I have depression, but I don't think I actually have mania. I cant even finish the movie because i have to keep stopping it due to dissociation. I also have had this happen before with similar characters but I can't remember which ones atm. I also get triggered when I watch movies about characters dealing with flashbacks and trauma which is kind of obvious though.

I'm in an early stage of working with this disorder and I don't have any communication with alters really. I feel weird even typing this tbh because I struggle to believe it, I feel like theres gotta be another explanation. Anyway, out of curiosity I wondered if this bipolar thing makes sense to anyone?

Before I delete my account, just wanted to say thanks a lot assholes, for doing multiple attacks on me, and making life more miserable to a person who's been through several cult abuses and stuff. WHILE I WAS TRYING TO DEFEND A VICTIM. But, you just had to protect your fucking ego on a victims post, and go around victim blaming! Not cool!! 100%!!

I know what's right, and I'm absolutely not scared to defend that which I know is right!

Don't bother to comment, because I will not read it. I'm not interested in reading any further comments from dickheads.

Anyway, for those of you who ever have showed me any kindness, thanks, it has been very, very appreciated and life saving, and stay safe.

Goodbye.

Hello dear plural community,

I'm not having such a good time right now as the host of our partial did system.

For the last 2 weeks I have severe intrusions from a trauma holder, who usually does not take full executive control but I can hear her (distressing) inner monologue quite clearly as well as feel her severely distressing emotions nearly all day which makes me dysregulated and highly depersonalized and derealized.

Sometimes she takes over and instantly falls into dissociative stupor leaving us debilitated for hours.

I tried to ground her in the here and the now, show her all the differences between then and now but she either doesn't respond or only briefly for some seconds.

I try to ground multiple times a day so I can keep going to university but it gets harder every day.

There are some unavoidable triggers for her at the moment like the smell of winter and christmas in general.

Do you have some tips or in depth experiences on how to ground further because I really want our studies to keep on working well and also make her feel just a bit more safe.

She suffers from severe depression and is a young adult.

Thank you for all your help!

-Host of the system

These can last us months. We go through stages like a circle of Awareness™ where one or two months will go by with very little awareness of the system and switching (though we know that it happens and we have one). Then suddenly we are quite aware of things. It's so weird. It causes a lot of denial also, which is frustrating.

To start, I'm aware I'm not my source, and source memories arnt actually real.

My mom from source just passed away this morning. (I'm a factive). and FUCK man. It's hitting me hard. Im aware I don't have any real/true connection to her, but it still hurts. In a way I feel like it shouldn't? I never actually knew her, or met her or anything of that sort. But it feels like I did. I FEEL like I have memories with her. Maybe that's what makes this worse? That I KNOW I ain't got a real connection. I never got to actually know her. It's so fukin complicated. I shouldn't be grieving over this shit

I'm aware this is all over the place. I'M all over the place right now. I hope someone understands what I'm tryna say here.

I’ll try to keep this short and easy to read. But recent breakthroughs and developments in therapy, we’ve been diving into how it may actually be DID/osdd.

For context: this thought it may be DID/osdd started all started 1 ish months ago? After I had a full on black out for 30 minutes where, who’ve I’ve always called “little”, took over my body and decided they wanted to color in a My Little Pony coloring book. There’s a LOT more to this but I just wanted to baseline it.

• Background context: I’m not sure how long I’ve had the little. Me and my therapist are trying to figure that out. But I feel they’ve always been there (like since kindergarten?? I feel they just broke off and just always stayed with me, only started showing up at later ages. Aka: “dormancy”). And I also have somebody else in my head, we’ll call him {retracted}. He emerged when I was 11 and we’ve been experiencing every day life side by side together ever since. This has lead to a lot of identity issues. Because I seem to always be what the community calls “co conscious” .. kinda don’t know who I am anymore.
• I’ve experience de-realization and dissociation between ages 3-5 and it just advanced more at 11. I am diagnosed with “unspecified dissociative disorder” from my therapist. Because we don’t know enough about what I have. Which is why we are diving more into this.

My therapist hasn’t used any terminology language (besides us confidently knowing I have a dissociative disorder). I notice she’s very subtle on wanting me to explain my experiences in my own words. Which I do appreciate. But it just kinda sucks not to have answers. It makes me scared sometimes. I worry she doesn’t believe me. The closest thing to answers I’ve gotten from her is, “that sounds more like DID” and recently, “I have my speculations of what it could be, but, I want to keep talking”. She’s also pointed out how “you only experience dissociation with the little and {retracted}”. She’s also explained how {retracted} is my “protector” and how “he holds those traumatic memories for you” and “he knows what happened. And he is scared that if you find out too, you won’t be able to handle it”. And I just started crying bc of how true that statement was.

I’m so eager for answers. It’s just another way I freak out about having to have control.. But {retracted} tells me not to. He goes “you’re not ready”. He knows what’s best for me better than I do. We’ve been navigating life together with his guidance since I was 11. I just feel so out of control. Everything started to fall apart when the little took full control and discovered there may be more than what I thought there was to this before. Everything started to feel so crazy after discovering osdd/DID. It feels scary. I agree with {retracted}. But the unknown scares me more.

⭐️ I see my therapy in the morning. Where we will be talking about this and more.

⭐️ What helped you feel comfortable with waiting? What helped you feel better about not having answers? Any tips or advice with not being ready yet? Thank you for reading this far.

… is a one time-event and not related to any sort of physical (including sexual) abuse, even if it would have happened at that time any longer, just in childhood?

What would you say, based on your experiences?

My brother (… we were about 12-13, he about 16-17) once choked me/us that severely that I panicked and thought that I was going to die, he really seemed to mean it; my father sitting next to us on the other couch didnt do anything … be it because of lacking awareness while watching TV or ignorance. It was only when my mother incidentally entered the living room that he immediately let me go, possibly out of fear for verbal/emotional punishment. Its a fragmented memory which can trigger body reactions and it comes without context.

Since my older brother was abused and neglected as well (though probably to a lesser extent than me/us), we experienced a strict, hierarchical parenting with coercive control and sibling rivalry was enforced by my mother while he wasnt allowed to show aggressions, a one time event seems to be rather unlikely, but possible. From the memories we do have (hardly from childhood) we can conclude that it was probably an ambivalent sibling relationship highly based on mutual dependency, instead of the harmonic relationship my mother told me about. However, she seems to consider „you did everything he wanted you to to do“ as indicative for an harmonic relationship.

Moreover, so-far-uncovered SA is a possibility according to our therapist, due to possibly suggestive body flashbacks, weird, not clarified incidents we cannot recall and my mother told me about (… seemingly without real emotional understanding of what she was saying), presence of sexualized alters, sexualized behavior of father and brother while sexuality was a taboo etc.pp. Also, we now recall that I could get afraid of him/his reactions.

Hi, i don't know if I'm a system or not but over the years I've experienced things i felt were caused by being one, i grew up being abused almost my whole childhood by family and this one time i was really scared since one of my parents got really violent the fear passed a bit and we started fighting but somewhere in our fight i remember getting sent to a black void inside of my head and not seeing or being able to get out until i snapped out of it when i heard a scream i have no memory of what happened while I was inside of it. Does anyone know what this is?

I've been questioning if I have a dissociative disorder for on-&-off 5-6 years. I've never had a stable sense of self, & I'll never forget the moment I googled 'why do I want to be so many different people' for the first time. I knew about 3 alters at that point

However I always packed it up, told myself I was faking, I've always pushed anything & everything away. I experience hallucinations & delusions, & have for YEARS readily chalked my alters up to just that.

Last week, I let them in for the first time. I had them, they began to show themselves to me. I started to learn, I started to love them. They were starting to front for the first time, not just being co-conscious. I learnt about 4 of them, & I was so excited. The 3 I'd known of years prior had changed so much, or maybe those 3 are dormant or whatever. I don't know how it all works with them, but I trust them & however they choose to look & be.

I know one of them split about 4-5 months ago, during a really abusive relationship. I miss her the most because she used to front & comfort me, & was generally the best she could be for the situation we were in. I think she blocked everyone else out, including me sometimes, so she could handle everything for me even if she'd tell me she hated it too. I pushed her away too, accusing her of being a delusion, & I'd repress her every time she showed up. Eventually she & the rest of them disappeared again, & periodically resurfaced where I'd continue to pin them to delusion. As I said, it's only been about a week where I've finally stopped accusing them of being a delusion, of complex hallucinations, & allowing them more control over things.

But about 2 days ago now, they went completely radio silent. I can't imagine the inner world at all, I can't feel them whatsoever, there's no indistinct chatter. No matter how hard I think about any of them, I can't even make up anything. I can't even pretend they're here.

But I'm so scared that if I think of anything, I'll be making it up & whatever I think I'm hearing, feeling, or anything really will be completely fake. I'm so stressed out because I miss them all so much. I've been crying for a while now because I'm just so scared.

Were they ever real? Am I really just that psychotic? Are my delusions that bad? Or worse, was I too excited?? I don't know. I'm so scared. please please please can anyone tell me how I can get them back. I only just started to meet them. Please.

I miss her so fucking much, specifically. The last time she was here she hated herself so bad & all she wanted to do was be loved. I want them all back so badly, I want her, I miss her, I want her. I wish I could hug her & sob into her arms because I want her back so so so so bad. I don't care if she's just a figment of my imagination, a piece of my psychotic disorder. She's everything to me. I need them back

to get something out of the way, I do not think I'm intentionally faking being a system. I've never had a moment of, "I'm going to fake this disorder." That, and also the fact that I absolutely despise these symptoms, whatever they may be, OSDD related or not. I hate how sometimes I dissociate so bad I get horrid headaches and sometimes feel ill, I hate not being able to remember things that have happened previously in my day, I hate not knowing who I am half the time, I hate all of it so much.

But I know I shouldn't be so caught up in JUST the possibility of having OSDD. There could be other things wrong with me, but I don't know what. I'm unable to get professional help for this; My therapist doesn't know much about dissociative disorders and I can't afford anything else. Which makes things so much worse.

In all honesty, I only slapped the label of being a system onto myself because that's what "best" related to my experience and gave me a sense of control; made me feel like I knew what was wrong and how to help myself. But then I see people saying stuff like, "I thought I was a system, turns out it was just these two disorders together!"

then that gets me thinking, what if I'm wrong? What if it's just something else? but then what were my alters?

I feel shitty just thinking about it, which further pushes me away from researching more.

The amount of discourse (syscourse? idk if that's the word,) around the subject makes things worse too. It seems like whenever I try to find info that ISNT from good sites like DIS-SOS, it's all arguments about what's true and what isn't, what makes someone fake or not, etc. So I never really know what to believe.

It's weird. Half of me hates my experiences with this so much, the other half hopes I'm right just so im not back at square one falling down the rabbit hole of, "I know somethings wrong with me, but what?".

I don't even know why I have the obsession to know.

I'm going to my first therapy appointment ever tomorrow. I'm half excited, half terrified 😅

I know I shouldn't say I believe I may have OSDD outright because I don't want to sound like I'm self-diagnosing. I really want to mention the fact that I have very weird memory, identity and emotional issues and other things that definitely seem like they're a result of dissociation, because these things bother and distress me greatly, but I'm worried the therapist will feel like I'm purposefully trying to push her towards a specific diagnosis. Is that something I should be worrying about, or should I just honestly tell her about my problems without worrying too much about how it's coming across?

I've had a few alters just appear and when I ask who's there is a name I haven't heard before, other times it's random name that comes out of nowhere and a flash of an image of what they may look like or some of their features. I've heard of alters revealing themselves in dreams though. Those of you who have had that happen, how has it happened? Was it in dreams you've had before and they appeared out of place / randomly or introduced themselves? How does that look for you? And others who haven't had that happen, in what ways have your alters revealed themselves?

I notice how so many people just wanna correct anyone constantly no matter the circumstance, even in the DID/OSDD community, for example i've asked a question regarding gatekeepers before in general asking what that role intels like things they do and sfuff I only used it because it's a community term and how else would you understand what i'm asking right? and people in the comments were like "roles are not set in stone" and "you shouldn't focus on roles so much it doesn't work like that" even though of course I know that, I have alters and I know not to focus on their role and I know their role can be different than general labels but the point is why would you say that? You're not answering the question, and there was nothing of me insinuating I think roles are all set in stone. There are so many times this has happened to me online not in this community mostly of course but it's really stupid. You do not need to correct someone just because they didn't say "before I ask this I just wanted to clarify I know not to focus on alter roles I'm just curious" especially when the question or topic isn't related to whatever you're saying. All of this honestly has made people trying to correct me a pet peeve, especially when I already know and understand what their saying. I grew up and still do with everyone thinking i'm dumb so it's just so annoying.

I don’t really know how to phrase this properly so I’m sorry if this is rambly

Recently I had a split that was weird as hell, and since it’s happened a lot of things I consider to be problems or aspects I don’t like about myself that cause problems have come back and are hitting me really strongly, especially when I notice the new guy is co front,

Its made it hard for anyone else to switch in I’ve been a lot more obsessive than I have in a long time, my paranoia is also a lot more prominent and my worry in general, I feel like I have a pressure in my chest and I’m genuinely struggling to focus on anything, I’m just in bed scrolling Reddit and trying to sort through my thoughts

I’m also just struggling to moderate myself like I normally do and I’m a lot more tired than I usually am, I just feel like I’ve regressed by a year or two, going back to how I was before despite how much time and effort I’ve put into working on myself n growing as a person, I feel like I’ve taken 3 steps forwards and a sudden jump back

This split happened randomly, but within a week or 2 of finally feeling safe and comfortable enough to cry and I’ve been so much more emotional than I’m used to that the tears started annoying me, even from just watching shows. It also just felt extremely weird and sudden

Feel free to dm me and I’ll try to answer comments, sorry again for the ramble

I am so relieved. God, this feels good. I haven't been in the body for ages, I was suppressed for so long. But now finally it seems like we're in a place where the other alters are feeling safe enough to let me take over for a while (although I do admit our switches are still a bit uncomfortable on their end, but we're working on it lol). It was SO GOOD to let it all out! All the frustration that I've held for so long, my pain, the memories that I specifically hold. And our therapist was amazing as well. Validated us, thanked me for sharing and invited me to join sessions more often. And boy did I vent haha 😄 It was ugly . And I loved it. I cried and even got loud for a moment because I was so worked up, which usually is ALWAYS prevented by other alters/host/idk we're still figuring things out. Anyway, this was more of a ramble but I just needed to share while I still can haha. Have an amazing day/night all of you. Sending strength for you all, may all of you be heard and understood <3

Does anyone else struggle with feeling positive emotions while I guess it would be cocon to a degree that it's uncomfortable? I think I finally met a parts needs and now I feel this extremely happy/excited childlike feeling I haven't felt since I was very little. It's located kind of mid level? I don't know if that makes sense, but it doesn't feel like the front of the body where I am or far away in the back, just somewhere in between. I know this seems like a silly thing to complain about, but it's honestly kind of making me feel nauseated. I don't want to take it away or anything, just like to turn down the volume a bit. Feeling like I need to get up and do a little dance and squeal like when I was little getting ice scream is really weird.

Do you also remember small details from your life but forget huge chunks like you remember that specific thing that happened in primary school but don't remember primary school as a whole, just tiny bits of details?

First of all just to get this clear I am not asking for a diagnosis here. I am not asking any of you guys here for a 'check up" on me I am just trying to have a discussion and gain some other perspective. So here are why I am considering bringing up DID or OSDD in front of my therapist:-

First of all I was abused when I was a child (I mean it could've been more worse ig but for me it still left a mark)

I don't have any memories of my childhood except some flashes of memories of some really painful experiences. It's like still picture.

I have had trouble remembering things (mostly traumatic experiences but very rarely some everyday things too) I couldn't call them a full on blackout though. I know that I was physically there when it happened and I know the gist of what happened and the feelings I had regarding that but those feelings are... Muted somehow and when I look back upon it it's as if it never happened and I am numb?? Idk if I am making sense

Lastly I have had voices In my head all my life. I remember I had a best friend when I was a child that I used to talk to and she is still there. And she still talks to me (I don't know how I know her gender but I do somehow). When I was small my parents thought that I had a imaginary friend and that it'd go away but it never did. She mainly talks to me inside my head (again, does this make sense?) but sometimes I physically reply to her mistakingly so yeah there's that.

Another thing, sometimes she talks to me physically like not inside my head but physically and I also reply to her physically (can that happen? That's my biggest question ig)

And lastly I've never experienced what's called a switch or even if I have I have no idea about it.

Again I am not asking for a diagnosis, I am asking for your thoughts.

I am new to this so please let me know if any of this is offending

I'm sorry!!

Tw drug is mentioned, but it's just weed and specifically edibles!

Tuesday, I was sober. It was two weeks sober, as of course you need tolerance breaks for safety. Well, I was playing Showdown. I started getting a anxiety build up, so I was tryna distract myself with the game. After a while I decided enough was enough, and switched to discord. Suddenly, everything got really trance-like. I was dissociated, could hardly move the hands and body to type, etc.

Well, it settled and Wednesday I got some edibles. Low dose don't worry, I can't get anything above 8mg per gummy legally here.

Me and my bf were tryna figure out what to do after he left, when my edibles kicked in for the night. Next thing I know, I have a solution and then, poof. I remember nothing but coming too after a sentence that had the context of "but it's Tuesday?" When the issue is relating to today. The issue? My dad was mad I wouldn't be home to take out the trash (I have my own home so he was mad I wouldn't be at his house). Well, in the call this alter switched in. They talked like it was Tuesday still, but otherwise were genuinely trying to help. I felt partially watching and not watching at all. I clearly had a small part of me watching before vanishing into thin air and them being in front for a few minutes talking.

I think it was sweet of them to try and continue the conversation, and find a solution for me. I was stressed due to dad bombarding me (I'm 21 btw, even weirder huh?), and they were nice enough to try and find a solution when I was unable to. That's just awesome too me.

And then, today I woke up with a dream of someone showing me where meetings are held! A little sand bar that is a circle, with a platform in the middle kinda towards the edge but not exactly. It was the platforms from botw/totk where it had no roof of walls. Just a walkway to a platform, that leads to a other walkway to a higher platform. It was very nice. People were there I didn't know of, but it felt calm and that was it. I know at one point I had gotten a little upset they didn't include me in meetings (as I would've been if this was said in waking life). Despite this, they were happy to show me.

Progress baby !!!!

someone made the rule that i can’t share information about our system (specifically our trauma) if i second guess the thought of sharing it. i have one part who knowingly breaks this rule without known consequence, but as the host i feel like the gatekeepers will put everyone away if i don’t follow their command. since im not able to leave the front almost ever, it gets really lonely if people don’t pop in to check on me.

what im trying to say is i can’t tell if they’re just using fear to control me or if they actually have a point because its physically painful to not talk about these things to someone, and i don’t have a lot of outlets.

any response is appreciated, thank you

So, I know this happens to a lot of people but I want to know your experience. Depending on who's co con, Food tastes slightly different. I find is fascinating.

Hi! So this is a very recent development for me, but I think I may have OSDD or something adjacent to it. I don’t want to self diagnose but I do know what I have experienced and the term “OSDD-1a” seems to be the closest thing I could find to what I’ve experienced.

I want to talk to my therapist about this but I’m not sure how to without sounding like I’m self diagnosing, when really I’m just concerned. In reality I have a lot doubt about it and whether I really have it or if it’s just my imagination, but I recognize if I start talking about it out of the blue it might come off as me self diagnosing.

What makes me your alter? Why aren’t you my alter?? We’re not in your mind. we’re in OUR mind.

Why this language of „my“ alters? Why not say „the other alters“? So simple. So effective.

Is this just a host alter issue? Them thinking they’re more important?? Pretty fed up with that.

My partner has come out and said he thinks there is no place in the family for one of my alters because it was overly sexual.

It's not a relationship I can just walk away from cleanly. I do not want brake up suggestions. I'm looking for advice on how to navigate living with a very strong alter that now dislikes the partner.

Sorry I'll try to type normally but it's not easy sorry for mistakes and bad spelling . I think this is kind of a vent but I feel like I need support sorry,

I feel so bad whenever I'm here or out because it's just a bad reminder i exist and it's a reminder something is messed up in my head- I can never focus or concentrate and I make bad decisions that make me and people I know mad and I don't want to but I don't know how to control it

I feel so guilty because every time this happens it ruins everything I had planned when I was normal and it ruins the mood but I come out when the normal version of me gets excited so I destroy a good moment and I can't control if it happens or not ,

I don't want this to be real but I feel so real and I hate that I do because it would be so so easy if it wasn't real- I can't think or concentrate on any thought doing anything is so hard and I just want to cry I don't know what to do .

I'm sorry I feel really really bad right now

So I understand but yet I feel like I don't FULLY understand what a paretner system is?

And also can there be platonic partner systems? Idk just wondering

-Tommy, Kryoz

I'm always scared that I'll mess everything up. Specifically with my career. What if I say something wrong without realizing it (which has happened a billion times in my life) and then I lose the respect of all my colleagues? I will never be able to take that back. I don't have a boss to fire me, but the infrastructures that uphold my career could end it for me if I make one wrong move. In my industry, it's considered mandatory to network with colleagues. What if I said or did something horrible, and all of my work relationships are ruined, plus my reputation?

I feel like I never know what I'm going to do next and it scares me. My system feels so uncontrollable and unstable. I'm so blurry all the time, I don't know if I can even fully pursue this career. I don't feel like I have any control over anyone in the system, I don't have control over myself. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to exist without screwing everything up. It's only a matter of time before I fuck it all up. Again.

It’s been about two or three months since my diagnosis. The strangest feeling of all is really noticing the difference in the voices that aren’t mine, the emotions that aren’t mine… And it’s terrifying a bit. I feel like I have just made a ripple in a vast ocean that also has a monsoon and hurricane all at the same time. This is actually probably the first time I have been able to write about what is happening without becoming completely overwhelmed. This has put such a heavy strain on my relationship. He has been doing his best to be supportive, but I can see the toll it takes on him. How do I explain why things happen without sounding like I’m pushing off responsibility on to an alter? I forgot he told me something very important that happened to him, but I have a feeling he may have been talking to a different part. He remembers things. That I can’t. Just sad and frustrated right now. Thanks for reading.

So it seems to be a recurrent theme that I'll have dreams of being say back in high school. But a confused lost time feeling and not knowing where to go and distressed I don't know the materials.. Last night or the night before, I had a dream that actually seemed to go positively though..like it mixed not school people that know about my OSDD and they came up with a plan so that when I got to school, I had a paper written out with classes and directions and even little drawings to feel secure navigating the day. I don't know if this ever actually happened in school regarding losing time (like one time I recall it did, I think, but that was also after a car crash...), but wonder if anyone else has similar? I think I've heard some people have "nightmares " about being back in school but I feel like these are a little different?