I did see my neurologist, we are not clear fully what the cause of the nerve pain is, but i Experience extreme pain episodes, seems to be fibromyalgia, not sure yet but because Of this im taking Low Dose naltrexone and memantine. Memantine have been making my brain weird because im recovering memories i did lost and connecting with myself again, i feel weird. But wanted to ask to someone if you have tried memantine for DiD. My neurologist doesnt know and i have not been officially diagnose since there are not test for Dissociative identity disorder or Dissociation, so wanted to get more info here on internet. Im going to EMDR therapy soon and im scared of integrating parts or getting more fragmented. Super anxious, but at the same time excited for my healing journey, also i did psilocibyn in the past which was the tool that allow to discover my system, i think is important you know that

I have DID plus bpd, and I'm struggling, I'm the only one in the system no one likes, people talk to me but they are always disappointed that it's me and I hate it. I'm not bad, and I'm nice to everyone but everyone only talks to me because someone else isn't forward. But because at the moment I'm forward most of the time and I know they don't like me, I give them a reason to not like me, and I know I should keep my comments to myself but I'm jealous of the others, what do they have that I don't? I just want to stay at 'home' where I can be with T she likes me and isn't disappointed that it's me.

I myself do not have DID but someone I know does one alter hates relationships and intimacy in general the host and another alter want to be with two different people they have tried to discuss it but have come to the conclusion "just beyourself" which doesn't seem to be helping as someone who doesn't have DID myself I'm not sure how to help any advice would be much appreciated

Struggling with Maladaptive Daydreaming After Heartbreak Need Advice!!!!!

Hey everyone, I've been dealing with maladaptive daydreaming for a while now, and no matter what I do, nothing seems to get better. Recently, I went through a heartbreak, and ever since then, I can't stop imagining scenarios with this person in my daydreams. It's been happening for the past two months, and I feel stuck. I have to study and get back on track, but this is really affecting me. I’m starting to feel gross and overwhelmed by it all. I just wanted to share this with you all and see if anyone has any advice or experiences to share. How do you deal with this kind of situation? Any tips to get out of this cycle?

Literally any advice is welcome. We found out we were a system this year, and once it all clicked, change has been rapid. We’re in frequent contact with a psychiatrist and therapist. I(host) think that going through trauma in therapy is causing old wounds to open, and it feels like we’re cleaning them with a pressure washer. Switches and integrations have become physically painful. It’s hard to keep a person up front. No one is in control. Sleep is becoming impossible. Our partner is doing their best to support us, but I know it has to be taking a toll. How have you treated the bad days? The constant restlessness and anxiety? The sense of impending doom? Breath work/meditation only goes so far when it feels like theres electricity in your veins. Any help?

Do they feel slightly different in your body? How do you tell them apart? What should I be aware of?

Edit: So one is 5-6 years old but wondering if there is more because I noticed a difference in the way they feel in the body. Not sure on much else as things are kinda foggy.

Thanks

My therapist has been recommending ketamine treatments for a while to help reach out to folks and hopefully progress communication. She mentioned that when she did it for pain, it still made her dissociate and helped her work through some stuff. I was wondering if any of you have done it and what you're experiences were.

-Kit

We just had a little front who would immediately go into a flashback when she went back into the inner world

And were confused

We were talking to her (she doesn’t talk just nods or has thoughts sorta not really actually I think maybe she shares images sometimes)

Well we asked if she looked like how she did in the picture she drew (her in a field with our childhood stuffed animal who we still have)

And we saw this a bear having sex with her? But I think it may have been a man dressed as a bear? Because we’re afab so we couldn’t have started it… can they I’m train animals to do that or was it likely someone dressed as a bear?

It’s confusing because from our understanding it’s like a zoo or somewhere where they keep animals except they put the kids in the cages get them attached then have them sacrifice the animals…

So I guess what’s stopping them from having sex with the animals

This is the second time seeing someone’s art has triggered us to remember something later

Im also questioning if its real or if we’re making it all up (she shook her head at that second part)

And when we were going to free her from the trauma reenactment in the innerworld they said you’re not ready for this yet

So idk what to do

Thoughts?

I feel like I'm blowing my life up, but I've done literally nothing wrong and have had some great news on several issues this week... which now that I say that...

I'm 23, have been in the work force for 18 months, can't get a job in my degree field, yet just got hired today for £26k/year beginning my dream job at a company I LOVE working at. I've been living off £1,050/month all year with no access to benefits bc of my visa. They said several times in the interview that they decided a while ago they're hiring me, and they just have to do the interview as a legal formality. But when I left, I immediately went into a deep dissociative haze and within four hours was like "yeah, no, that didn't happen. I can remember it, but it didn't happen."

A bunch of other debilitatingly stressful shit got sorted this week, but it's 3am and I feel like I'm ruining my life. We're dissociating to the extent that we keep forgetting we can't go back home. 1.) medically, we'd fucking die. 2.) there is no more "back home." We've never blacked out like this before, and we've never had a reaction like this to good news. I've never felt like I'm ruining my own life, much less when things were going well for me.

I get the "why is this person being nice to me? They must have ulterior motives" thing of feeling life safety is dangerous. But I've only ever heard people talk about this, and I could never comprehend what they meant. I'm just so so confused, and I'm getting pulled in so many different directions by emotional alters. One is doing a thing where we get really needy/cuddly when we're physically unwell, one is ecstatic, one is crying, and countless are having massive amnesia episodes.

Idk wtf is going on or how to handle this or ensure we don't 100% black out and get in danger.

So a VERY long time ago we had a headspace mapping app that you could build layers of your area based off the center (which we call the core) but for awhile we've been looking and having seen a single THING online about it. And we really need it back as it'd be fun to map the headspace. Please please please help me find out what this app was called guys and gals and the sillys!!! Please!!! 😭😭 (I'm sorry I didn't know what flair this would go under. Please forgive me if it's the wrong one)

I had to wait for the 7-day cooldown. I got depressed and deleted our old account. Of course, I also never posted a "hello" message on the old account. So, here goes:

We are a constellation of five alters. We've been in therapy for DID almost 30 years. Our secondary diagnosis is autism (diagnosed as an adult).

We are reasonably stable and rarely lose time. We have a high level of co-consciousness. We're still getting used to the reality of also being autistic (but... damn... so many functional anomalies make total sense now!)

Here's our constellation:

Indigo. Changeling. Primary, public-facing alter.

Thistle. Angelic. Very limited verbal capability.

Halo. Survivor. Used to be made of barbed wire bit looks a lot more human now.

Willow. A small child.

Ashen. Protector.

I'll try not to get so depressed again.

I don't know if another system live something similar, but our little (Kindred) is too powerful in the sense that they are to easy to trigger, likes to front a lot, their emotions are so strong that affect others, can erase memories, alter memories, creat fake memories, sometimes her words escape from our minds and somehow switch at their will with anyone.

Sometimes it's scary, they have 3 alters babysitting they always, but that doesn't stop they. We use to had other little but she fuse with Kindred 'cause Kindred wanted to take care of her, so now they is our only little, but the most enigmatic alter we have.

No one else is able to switch at their own will, but Kindred can and even when they want to stop fronting they choose who will front next.

We have tried to keep they under control to don't let they front as much as they do, but we haven't had luck... It's scary 'cause they are also pretty manipulable, our actual principal abuser even know how to trigger they to take advantege of they vulnerability, but always that something bad happen they just erase their own memory so they isn't aware of how many times we have suffer abuse as they front.

How to control they? They do things no one else in our system know how to do, but literally is a vulnerable toddler, their age changes from 3 to 8 years, but principally is a 5 years old...

Everything that happened to me is gone. I can't remember anything happening to me, other than being at work an hour ago and not knowing who anyone there was or even where I was. I had to call my mom to pick me up, and my coworkers(?) looked at me like I was crazy when I tried to ask who the manager was.

I feel like I've just stepped into a life that isn't mine. I have vague details, like where I live and who my family is, but even that seems unreliable. I tried messaging my partner only to find we've been separate for months now.

It's all so scary and overwhelming and I don't know how to deal with any of it. I have to go back to work tomorrow, and I don't know how to explain any of this to my coworkers, or how to explain that I literally don't know how to do my job.

So. We have severe complex trauma as it relates to sexual trauma, incestual CSA, and everything in that regard. We are also very kinky, particularly one of our alters, who hasn’t been fronting lately and has left us to our own devices. The last partner we had abused us like that for the entire time we were together, and they were the only person we had originally consented to doing anything with. With our partner (the one all of us want to be with for the rest of our life), we met at a dungeon, and we want to move into M/s with her as my slave. When I am destabilized, I can’t keep routines and I lose things that make me as a system feel like I am so unworthy I couldn’t do such a thing, and there’s one of us who keeps phasing in telling us we are a rapist when we even want to caress our girlfriend in a cuddly way. Then, our sexual alter fronts to initiate, and we want everything so badly but then we don’t start feeling real, and we can’t ground. We start going in and out and back and forth until we have collapsed, crying into our partner’s arms, which makes us feel even worse because we collectively want her more than anything. But Littles have even come out before and it becomes an issue where I don’t know how to pursue what I truly want, what we truly want, when all of us are scrambling like this. I’ve had emotional flashbacks with the kink, and I don’t get it because kink grounded us for ages and was all we knew (we may have even used it maladaptively in the past when one of our alters played slave)

October, our sexual protector, told me that I didn’t understand all of the trauma she held for us as a system. We did ketamine infusions monitored by a doctor and asked her to show us what she meant, and she did. We lost access to our insurances and therapies right after that and have been a mess since. Our dysphoria (we identify as nonbinary) has been everywhere, and all we want and crave is intimacy. But the other voice—we feel is a persecutor—won’t leave us alone and we can’t even feel our bodies anymore outside of intimacy, but when we try to engage, we just leave.

Has anyone experienced this?

(tw: mentions of flashbacks, describing emotional flashbacks, nondescript mentions of trauma)

I have decided to share some of my experiences here in hopes that someone could relate to me and help me understand. This post isn’t me asking if I have a specific disorder. I’m wanting to know if others have experienced the same thing as me when recovering memories. •

I’ve been questioning whether I have a system for a little while now, but for longer than that I have been questioning my memories. (I’m going to focus on the memories in this post, as it’s already too long.) It really started over a year ago when I had a traumatic experience with someone I loved. I shared my trauma with them and they used their trauma against me to try to diminish what I went through. The rage and hatred I had for them built up to a point that seemed disproportionate to what happened. •

At first I thought I was just triggered because different people I have loved consistently used their trauma against me. But soon after the specific situation with this person I had a dream where I said to them that thing happened to me too around the time I was in dance, which was ages 3-6. I started to wonder whether or not I had been through the same thing as them and it had been blocked out from my memory. I have awareness of some of my childhood trauma, stuff that definitely caused a disorganized attachment style and PTSD but nothing big enough to cause complete dissociative amnesia, or OSDD/DID. •

Increasingly since then I have been experiencing extreme dissociation, emotional flashbacks where I am OVERCOME with rage, fear, sadness. These often come with thoughts like “stop it” “make it stop” “it hurts” “[redacted trauma] happened to me.” I’ve had all sorts of flashbacks because of severe trauma as a teenager. These new ones don’t come with images though, never. Just EXTREME feelings and thoughts. I feel like this couldn’t have happened to me because I can’t see it, I don’t know who did it, or where it happened. I don’t trust my memories. I feel like a bad person - like why would I think about this all the time if it didn’t happen? I chase these memories because I just want to know the truth. •

Has anyone had this same experience with recovering memories? Did you recover images and context later? I feel like so many people I hear talk about childhood trauma forget it, but still know what happened to them because someone else told them. Someone else noticed. What if nobody noticed? How could I go through something so bad that it is COMPLETELY erased, poof, gone? One minute I NEED to know what happened, and at other times I hope I never find out. I hope it isn’t real. Please tell me someone else has felt the same.

This is following up with my last post, explaining the blurriness portion a little more.

My name is Sol, I have been in front for a few days now and I am usually pretty different from the collective in terms of thought and behaviour.

We have been very exhausted lately, and this hss caused us to become very blurry and blended together. Whenever I have been in front, I haven't felt like myself at all. I have been aware of my presence in front, but I haven't experienced much of my regular behaviours for very long without either switching out or blurring a little.

This is a very odd experience for us and it making us feel a little fake, especially since quite a few of us who are in front typically speak or act differently to how the collective will typically act.

I suppose it possibly stems from the fear that we are purposefully acting different to seem more seperated? Though we know that isn't true as we are only acting how we feel comfortable.

I apologise for the spam of posts, I'm just a little distressed and can't find anything on this specifically.

This is a little silly, but sometimes I feel so fake because of how we all act in front.

Quite a few of us act seperate from the collective, in the sense that our behaviour is pretty different.

Now, we have been blurring quite a bit due to stress and exauhstion lately, which is causing people to not feel themselves when they front. I'm not quite sure how to describe it other than the person in front feeling like a vague, diluted version of their usual self.

Masking as the body also feels easier sometimes, which makes us feel a little fake too. It makes us worry that we purposefully put on acts when fronting to seem different because of how easily we can default to our masking state.

I just hate how this disorder tries to invalidate my feelings all the time.

Follow up on my previous posts from last week, my husband (31M) was transferred to an inpatient facility earlier today and is still going through admissions. I was home at work when the hospital called to tell me and I haven’t been able to go to the facility yet. I called to tell them that he has DID and give a brief explanation of what’s going on, as I’m not sure if this facility has staff who are equipped to handle DID and the hospital would not let us review different facilities to send him to.

My husband and I feel that one of his alters caused this overdose as my husband has no memories of the overdose happening, and it’s not the first time that this alter has attempted suicide by overdose (happened a few years before we met).

I have never had to go through this situation or process before.. once they call me to let me know what I’m allowed to bring for him, is there anything else that I need to be ready to tell them about his diagnosis? Anything that I need to be prepared for?

The website says that they allow visitation for patients and will provide the family members days/times once admission is completed, I’m not sure if his case will be different since this is an involuntary admission.

UPDATE: Thank you all. He has the ability to call me during the day even though I can’t call him. Visitation for his unit is for a specific day and time of the week which thankfully is tomorrow so I won’t have to wait long. The only thing we aren’t sure of is when does his time start? Since he’s being held involuntarily, obviously we know that he may be there longer than 72 hours, but does his time start after his admission was finished just before 5pm today or tomorrow?

I don't mean to be super specific as it can look in many ways. But for example, being a cis female child dressed up by a parent/handler that gave reason to sexualize them and to use programming that makes that person revert to being their "doll" or "princess" or whatever it was then?

I hope it's not a strange or too specific question to ask. But it's a sort of programming I hardly hear of from other systems too

We are not 100% sure if we're splitting rn, but its a very real pissiblity

We've been blurry as hell, dissociating and with daily headaches for the past 2 weeks, maybe a bit more (which are usually signs of splitting for us)

How long is this going to TAKE??? /ref

I'm a system of over 50 and it's only gotten bigger over the years. I discovered an old old persecutor that, after some therapy, decided to start helping us. And it's about to get kind of graphic in how I describe this so trigger warning, i have no other way of explaining it.

So when an alter "dies" or finds closure (any event that would make permanent dormancy make sense) a long spider leg sticks out of the ground and pokes at them, and they get younger. Eventually, after enough times, when the alter becomes a baby, the leg takes them and brings it to a room where it slowly starves to death. There's a lot of blood in the room, too, but we can't figure out why. WAY back when I was a kid, I had an alter that would just openly eat babies that would appear in the inner world, seemingly at random. My theory is that those were potential alters that were going to form but had to get squished down for some reason.

I'm only concerned because an alter that was supposed to be dormant, wanted to be dormant, and is now presumably dormant again, just fronted and had a vague, distant conversation with another alter before the leg took her again. There's no distress when this happens, it's the same as them just walking away. I'm just concerned that something weird is going on that might not be healthy. I've been trying REALLY hard to lower my count and I fear this may be another bad coping mechanism.

So tell us. Really. How was your day?

Emoji code of non verbal supports: (your welcome to send in edition to a regular comment, or as a stand alone comment!)

Stay strong “💪”

Emotional support “🧁”

Lurking, but listening/ I hear you“🫧”

CONTEXT:
we are a system of 5,and for the last 4 months ive been active,prior to me and kitsu swapping he tended to read fanfics,so I didnt think there would be any harm in doing the same after running out of things to do,yet this resulted in quill and since this event quill has been adimint i dont read any further fanfics,and i was wondering if theres merit to this,and whos more likely to have caused the creation of a possible new alter or at the bare minimum a new voice

EDIT:thanks for the info even if its a bit blunt,

Our system is just littles and teens we would like to make friends and go to school or something with other systems with body ages like ours and alters our ages. Would like to make crafts together and have lunch time and learn. Can this happen?

Hi,

I have a mystery dissociative disorder that makes is very hard to function, I've lived most of my life on the premise that it will eventually go away but it is not. I have an awesome therapist but he doesn't know much about treatment for dissociation, I'm looking for pretty much any professional who can help.

What has helped you? I'll take literally any advice right now.

This was already posted to CPTSD, but I can’t work out how to crosspost using dystopia, sorry).

Just Something That Helped Me

I, like many others have struggled with emotional instability, and depression with this disorder, but I made a small change in my life a few months ago that has massively helped that.

I stopped listening to depressing/mental health related music.

If I was feeling okay that day, listening to something negative made me feel down, or worse, even if I didn’t notice it a lot of the time. If I was already down and struggling, listening to music like that only made me spiral.

It can feel good in the moment, to fall further into negative emotions, whether that be sadness, emptiness, despair, or anger, but it isn’t helpful or healthy in the long run.

It’s genuinely really helped me. If you want to try it, let me know if it helps you. Sometimes change is really hard, but I want to get better, I’m not letting my past define my future.

Hi all. I made a post the other day then deleted it (typical of me). If anyone could lend an ear that would be awesome, but I also don't expect that. It helps me to process by writing things out but feel free to share any support, encouragement or similar experiences. I've been back at my parent's house for a year and have been back at my job for a few months (after years of unemployment). I have not felt safe at home, even though there are no active threats. Most of it has been hypervigilance and flashbacks, and just being triggered in general that I feel I've been making everything up when things are "good" now compared to before.

I've been picking up extra hours at work and written pros/cons about housing options, basically doing as much research as I can on how to process this disorder and have the space to heal. I've literally been packing my car for the past month and have so many other things worked out. I've sat with the feelings to make sure I don't act impulsively and just run away one day or live out of my car. Last week, I came across a new apartment listing and scheduled a tour. It seemed like I could actually have a chance at being approved without a co-signer, despite my lower income. I got the call this week that I got approved and I immediately set up a meeting the next morning to give them my security deposit. Then the hesitation set in.

I, the host, am extremely frugal and get physically ill spending money especially in large sums. I thought about calling to delay the appointment so I could at least talk it out with my therapist, but I knew I was probably just self-sabotaging and not having enough confidence in myself. And I knew my therapist couldn't make any decisions for me. So I handed them the money order and ended up spiraling afterwards, which I blame myself for not seeing that coming. I thought we had all been in agreement. We'd been communicating and my protector part said to trust him and I just spiraled. All the suicidal thoughts came back. The urgency to move is not there anymore and I feel stupid. It's like my mind has been cleared. I don't remember any abuse, the protective barriers are that high. But I had such a desire before to be out before Christmas and now a part of me wants to stay home and isn't feeling as triggered.

I thought this whole time moving out would feel right, and maybe it's just the fear of the future and fear of change, and it will obviously take time to adapt, and I can still visit family on my own terms and don't have to cut/limit contact like I'd planned... it's just so frustrating. I worked SO HARD to make this happen and now I just feel sick to my stomach. I don't sign the lease until next week so I still have time to back out but it will be $500 wasted. I also admit that I am scared of the pressure I will put on myself if I sign the lease, because it will mean I won't be able to afford to take a week or so off of work if I'm in crisis. I know I can be successful, I am just scared at the uncertainty of the future, and the commitment to one year of living. I know that's just the suicidal ideation that comes and goes, but it's an awful feeling.

My system includes a preschool-aged child (“A”) that has been terrified of losing our mom since at least age 4. We used to wish on stars that we would die before she did. Anticipatory grief has been a struggle for that little one for as long as we can remember.

As an adult, I learned that my mom had knowingly failed to protect me from csa. I spent the next 10-15 years grieving that abandonment and working to come to a place of acceptance. “A” has only ever wanted to be close to and loved by her mommy.

Now our mom is dying. She has had terminal cancer for almost 3 years but looks like she has run out of treatment options. And I am terrified of the grief that I feel bubbling up from “A”. I am remembering how scared I was as a kid whenever she would leave the house that she wouldn’t make it home. That was “A” I now know.

“A” is wailing and wailing now, like a toddler who has been told their parents are going out and leaving them with a sitter. I keep hearing her crying “mommy’s leaving and she’s never coming back!” And then my body starts to cry. I (an adult self) don’t know how to comfort her. I don’t know how to integrate her grief with the rest of ours. It’s like she just takes over with absolute panic as if the world is disintegrating. I am scared of the bigness of her feelings. I want to feel too and do self-care, but I don’t know how because it opens this yawning pit of 40+ years of fear of abandonment.

Every time I get SAed there’s a period of intense anger issues which I wanna just use violence. Like feeling like I’m gonna exploded and snap. I’m currently in one now. I feel like I’m losing my mind

I really need to vent somewhere and this is the only place that I can do that. Advice, support or just some kind words would be more than appreciated. Triggerwarning: Friendship betrayal, financial worries and (disability-) insurance So in summer I (host) discovered that I‘m part of a system. While my boyfriend supports us with all his empathy and power my best friend for several years reacted really bad to it. We are long distance, but met up like one time in a month or two and texted daily and she knew that I have a complex trauma disorder. She acted like nothing happened for three months, everytime we brought up the topic she gave short answers and changed the topic as soon as possible. Last month this whole situation was so heavy on me that I finally asked her about what was going on and why ahe didn‘t want to talk about my system. She answered that she‘s overwhelmed, but she didn‘t go into detail and it was clear she doesn‘t want to. After a week I tried again, she still wasn‘t ready so I said I need time for myself, but she can always text me, once she‘s ready or needs any support. I didn‘t hear anything for a month so I sended her some things she left in my appartment in case she needs them. I just got a „thank you“ as a reply and not more. I asked her if she‘s ready to talk, no answer and she delted all of our photos on her socials. Seriously I know that a true friend wouldn‘t do something like that but I never thought it was possible, that she would react that way. I feel hurt and it‘s some weird feeling of betrayal aswell. It hurts so much in one moment and on the next I don‘t feel a single thing at all. Next thing is that since two years I‘m not able to work anymore. I signed up for disability rent that time but it‘s usual here that it takes a lot of time and energy to maybe get benefits. Right now they are making their decision, while they told me I would get it two weeks ago. When I called them to ask when I‘ll get the decision now they couldn‘t tell me a period of time. I just can‘t wait anymore, I don‘t have enough money to pay my bills. I swear if I have to call them one more time and act nice to them I‘m going to explode. I don‘t know how long it will take and I don‘t know if they‘ll say yes, that‘s the worst part about it. A lot is going on right now and I just feel so stressed and starts the minute I wake up. The whole day I‘m getting emotional flashbacks or feel a traumaholder‘s presence and in the next moment I feel so dissociated and just function. Sometimes I feel like almost „breaking“ or getting teared apart. I‘m still waiting for specialised therapy but my psychiatrist is trying her best to help me. I don‘t know if I‘m about to split, how does it feel/felt like for you? Is there anything I can do to prevent a split? Thank you for taking your time to read all of this, we hope you have a good day.