So I had one really really bad DDD (depersonalization-derealization disorder) episode at school a few weeks ago—this was the worst episode I have ever had in my entire life, normally they only last a few minutes, this one lasted 2 days, and after that I’ve started to question reality. Ever since I had that big episode I’ve started having feelings and experiences I would’ve never had before the episode. I’m not like a completely different person, I’m still me—I still have a lot of the same interests or whatever, but now it’s like there’s someone else sharing their feelings with me, like we are 1 entity, but it’s like I merged with another person.

Content note for mention of suicide.

I have been having a really rough time and I am struggling to accept the fact that DID might help explain some of the reasons why stuff is so challenging sometimes.

Beginning of October I ended up suicidal and quitting my job. I was 5150ed. I don't remember quitting. I do remember taking the pills, but it was definitely someone else in control because I felt like I was in a trance. My job had become an environment where I was, I guess, switching between alters ... I would panic and cry at my desk all day long and couldn't get anything done. I kept trying to tell my manager I was in a serious mental health crisis but was told to just take a few days off. In those days off, I tried to kill myself.

I have been trying to recover. But it feels like they are hell bent on not letting me experience anything good. Whenever I start to feel good, I feel pain in my chest, like someone is pushing me back really hard, and the good feelings actually physically hurt and I feel like I can hear them say, "No" or, "We won't let you" or, "You're not allowed to."

I haven't been formally diagnosed, but my therapist suspects DID. I thought it was normal to constantly experience like, such severe internal turmoil that is actually hurts, like several different voices fighting with each other or like constantly shifting between states that seem so radically different from each other. I thought this was normal and that everyone else was just better at handling it than I am. But I'm beginning to realize that this may not be true.

I am completely miserable and they won't let me feel any other way. I am trying to interview for a new job but I'm scared I won't actually be able to handle it. These feel like more than just normal emotional ups and downs ... It feels like an out of control roller coaster and I am just trying to hang on for dear life.

How do I deal with them? How have any of you learned to deal with parts or alters that are downright mean or scary or so hopeless they want to die? I know they are trying to protect me, but it's no longer helpful and there is one of them that keeps saying, "We are not going to make it out alive."

Finally met with a therapist yesterday who specializes in DID and I finally feel like I understand my brain a bit better. Diagnosed three years ago and chose to not believe the provider and ignored it and the was rediagnosed recently by another provider who didn’t know I had already been diagnosed before.

Anyway this therapist explained it like an office building. There’s cubical after cubical and walls inbetween each one to separate each person/alter. For some folks with DID the walls go up the the ceiling while other folks walls are lower and the people in each cubical can peek over to chat or can fully feel one other. Explaining the communication or lack thereof between alters.

Thought I’d share how eye opening this was for me to understand why sometimes I felt like I could pull parts of memories during time where I “don’t feel real” while other parts are complete memory loss.

Curious to hear how other folks with DID capture their alters thoughts and personalities (journaling/drawing/etc.) As well as what helps with communication & naming them.

I think there’s only 3-4 of us in the system actively but still grasping an understanding of how my brain works now that I have tools!

Warning this is long I dunno what exactly is wrong with me I KNOW I have DID I'm diagnosed I know my alters but it FEELS like I am just a fake I SAY I'm Dave talk weird the works but I'll REMEMBER but when I'm "me" the memory fades SO fast..... my memories IN GENERAL fade if I'm Dave or Zack or WHOEVER they have feelings and memories and EMOTIONS I dont.... I have trouble feeling ANYTHING if they aren't at least "around" I just... I need to know if this is NORMAL WHATS GOING ON? I hate it I hate not feeling anything other than INTENSE emotions for example I was watching a show I haven't watched in MONTHS I forgot nearly everything about it but tonight I got high which IS a regular occurrence I only do it at night after work and I've been "dave" or zack" or any of the others before without drugs but when I'm on them it helps I feel more like myself back before I knew back when everything felt "normal" back when I thought I WAS normal I stemed I chirped I did things I haven't really done for a while watching this show I'd thought I'd have to restart... I didn't have to tho I remembered it.... all of it I don't I don't understand I don't know if the DID diagnosis is correct because like I have "blackouts" I typically don't remember A LOT of my day unless I try hard enough I don't remember my childhood unless I go looking I don't even remember my graduation I feel compelled to scream "Train" everything I see a train and often times these days do... in a four year olds voice I want it to STOP.... I know I do these things so why can't I stop...

CSEM tw, kind of a ramble

I/we (27, polyfrag) finally started college after dropping out of high school and struggling with disabling mental + physical health issues for the last decade. I've known about my system, on and off, for the majority of that, but the trauma only started coming back in early 2020 when I moved out of my parents' house. It's been an uphill battle to function in any capacity as a person since then, and it nearly killed me many times over.

One of last puzzle pieces to surface (before being very quickly flung into the void, it took a year to come out of denial for this) is that our father and uncle filmed the CSA. Being photographed or recorded has always been very uncomfortable and made me feel gross in a way I could never articulate, but since remembering, it's become extremely triggering. I can barely take selfies. Camera flashes, irl and in movies, and small, blinking red lights trigger me and cause switches. I can't even look at pictures of digital cameras. Every time I've been photographed by someone else since beginning to remember has fucked me up for days. Hell, if you look at my most recent photo ID, it's very clear that I am triggered.

I haven't been filmed since. Hadn't, more accurately. I've avoided it like the plague. Until yesterday morning, when one of my instructors dropped the bomb that she would be recording our presentations. I was already fragile. This time of year is brutal, it's traumaversary after traumaversary until spring. School has been insanely stressful, and the presentation we were giving yesterday was one we felt very ill prepared for because amnesia has been a big struggle, and the part that worked on it is only willing to front on campus under specific circumstances. This means that the primary school part who was meant to present was unfamiliar with the presentation itself, and we'd had no time to actually prepare. We'd been crying on and off all morning already, so when the instructor told us minutes beforehand that she would be filming, it set off a massive panic attack that lead to a hard switch + cut off from our emotions, so much so that our friends commented on it afterwards. They know I have PTSD, but not DID. The part that made the presentation was pulled forward somehow got through it like nothing was wrong (lucky fucker is very disconnected from most trauma stuff) but we've been a bit of a wreck since.

I think we're going to have to email the instructor to ask if it's possible to not be filmed again, since this is apparently something she does a lot during this module, which lasts the rest of the semester. I already had an appointment later in the day with my student success advisor to touch base/follow up about my accommodations, and asked him if that could be put in as a formal accommodation. He'll see what he can do, but I'm realizing that I'll be filmed again at some point in my academic, professional, or personal life, and I can't feasibly avoid it forever.

I need to learn to deal with this, but I'm lost on where to even begin. I don't have a therapist, I can't afford one, and this is way above the paygrade of any MH professional I can access through the college. All of this trauma recovery and processing has been done on my own. My system doesn't cooperate or like each other beyond a handful of the hosts, and our barriers are still thick. Trauma denial is a constant struggle. There are heavily antagonistic parts who insist on keeping us unhealed and will do whatever they can to trigger parts holding memories of the CSA/CSEM/maybe-kind-of organized abuse. I don't feel safe in my own system at this time of year, and I'm just so tired and heavy. What can I do here?

TDLR; my system recovered memories involving CSEM production a year back and have refused to be recorded in any way since. A college course made that unavoidable yesterday and it was extremely triggering. I can't avoid cameras or being filmed for the rest of my life, but I don't have a therapist and can't afford one. What the hell can I do to make this less triggering?

Think it's okay to be here.

Was sunny today. We like to be warm. Was nice. So bright. Thistle shines when he has sunlight. It's nice feeling warm. Thistle shines. He doesn't have many words. We hear him, but it's not really words. The sky was so blue, so bright, so warm. Was so nice. It's nice when Thistle shines. He's special. Nice to have sun. Nice to be warm. Am glad for today. A warm, sunny day. Am sleepy now.

I don't really know what to do. I'm sort of in a double bind where I can't seem to help myself, and it seems like there isn't really anyone else who can help me either. I hate myself for being like this, and for being so sickeningly incompetent and needy.

I had a therapist who I quit seeing. I can't well speak on the nature or extent of what I'm experiencing internally for multiple reasons. I don't know. She had a very cautious approach, and I think because I struggle to talk during appointments and don't know what to bring up, she spent a lot of time sort of... shooting the breeze, from my perspective. Like long-winded explanations about how she doesn't pressure people and respects their boundaries, etc, with various included anecdotes of people she has successfully therapized, which I think I was supposed to find reassuring.

And usually this would end with her saying she appreciates me, so I'd say 'thanks.' I think it made her feel good to explain the ways in which she's a good person, and that's legitimate and fine. But personally I found it frustrating, because it feels like it's for her benefit.

We decided to do IFS together but it was also frustrating because we never got anywhere with it. She backed off really fast if we hit any block, but basically everything is blocked. Then she'd go back to explaining how she doesn't push people, and the rest of the appointment would be frivolous. It's like she's afraid of me experiencing emotions. My emotional connections are blocked in specific ways and I honestly think she doesn't want me to access them unless they're just immediately available, and they're not.

I feel like I don't like the way the IFS theory defines self, but I think she struggled to comprehend why. And I just... don't know. When we were doing the IFS (or rather, trying to), I sort of realized maybe something isn't quite right. Or it's less right than I thought it was. There's too much there, and it's too inaccessible at the same time. Doesn't really make sense, but its hard to describe. I can't access it on demand, and I think all she knows how to do is ask it to come out and then back off when it won't. But that's never going to make anything happen. It just feels bad.

I also talked to her about some stuff directly, past stuff I mean. More directly than I probably should have. It was my fault. I thought she could help me process it with IFS, but I quickly learned that she can't. The attempts were almost laughable. She's a very nice lady though, don't get me wrong, which in itself is a novelty for a therapist. I just think I messed myself up opening up some stuff I shouldn't have, and that plus maybe the attempted IFS feels like it had a destabilizing effect.

So I stopped seeing her and interviewed some other therapists, found one who seemed most promising, and had an appointment. Unfortunately, their first appointment was just intake and I was supposed to fill out a bunch of diagnostic questionnaires beforehand, which I didn't for multiple reasons. During the appointment, the therapist wanted to ask me the survey questions I didn't do. I told her I can't just answer that stuff, and there are multiple reasons that I can't. I'd need someone to just get to know me over time and help me figure out what's going on, and not pressure me to have direct answers to questions I don't know the answers to, or which could have multiple answers, interpretations, or reasonings.

Basically, she ended up telling me I'd be better off with a different therapist. That's fine, I can respect that, and I agree. But it still is a bit demoralizing, because this lady specializes in trauma and dissociative disorders.

I brought up the fact that I feel fragmented to the therapist I was seeing before, the IFS one. She responded by saying I don't seem like I have DID but she can do the survey thing if I want her to. I don't want her to. I never claimed to have DID but she immediately leapt to that, which makes me think she might have a semi-black and white view of this stuff. Like all in or all out.

I used to think everyone experienced something similar internally to what I do but recent discussion with my significant other has made me realize that may not be the case. I feel like I don't really know what's normal anymore. I don't even know why it matters. Maybe it doesn't. Or it wouldn't, but I feel like I'm falling apart and I can't fix it. When I try to talk about trauma or past stuff with my partner, or even when something is triggering, it seems I get too messed up or intense in my response and it becomes impossible for him to navigate. It's also impossible for me to navigate.

It was difficult, because the IFS therapist I was seeing would ask me to connect to a past me, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't feel it. And if she asked me a question, like about feelings or whatever, I don't know what the answer is, because it's like there are different answers located in different wounds. (We called parts wounds because I don't feel comfortable viewing myself as parts.) And I don't know which is true and they all contradict, and I don't even know how to get to some of them, and if I can, I can't verbalize it anyway.

Maybe she understood that, I don't know, but she couldn't help me with it.

I don't really know what to do. Should I go back to my old therapist and try to clarify stuff I don't have the clarity myself to describe? Would there even be a point? Should I keep randomly searching even though I've exhausted all the most promising candidates? I wish I could do self-work but there are multiple barriers to that right now. I could just shut everything down and hope this doesn't all come back worse to bite me in the butt years down the line, but I'm struggling now to shut down, unfortunately. I know I could do it if I really manhandled my psyche, but I'm afraid to. Because I think maybe I've done that in the past and it created greater repercussions than were ideal.

How does anyone manage this?

So we have a little in the system who is 8 years old, and has been pretty much since she formed. She's essentially a personification of the childhood we could have had, so we've admittedly probably tried to protect her too much and unconsciously kept her at that age.

We're trying to reach final fusion, but we're worried about her and what will happen to her, and that cane up in our last therapy session. The conclusion we've came to, and our therapist agrees, is that we need to kinda help her grow up first. We've been trying to think of ways to do that for ages, and never found anything that worked much. And then our therapist pointed out that we could throw her a birthday party, since birthdays are a major milestone that helps you grow up.

Trouble is, and what we figured out very quickly after he brought that up, is that we've only really had 3 birthday parties in our life, and 2 of those were mostly for the sake of other people. We really have no clue how birthday parties work, how to plan them, nothing.

So here we are, on reddit, asking strangers for help planning a birthday party for a little girl to help her grow up.

Tl;dr we want to try and have a birthday party for our little but don't know how. Help 😅

I've been fairly certain I have Dissociative Identity Disorder for a while now. Only two people have been aware of this, my therapist and an online friend I met about a year and a half ago.

One of my alters is very aggressive, rude and seemingly uncaring. He is also promiscuous and although I have no actual proof, I am pretty certain has done recreational drugs on at least one occasion. I also believe he might be an alcoholic. He is the total opposite of me.

I have had several sessions with my therapist now but I've not been officially diagnosed. During my last session, the alter emerged and was apparently extremely aggressive, so much so that my therapist will no longer see me and has referred me to a colleague. I haven't been to the new therapist yet.

My friend has been with me since what I consider the beginning of this mess. I have grown to think of him as my best friend and one of the best people I've ever known. We have chatted throughout nearly every day, from morning to bedtime. He has seen the aftereffects several times now of what happens when this alter emerges. He has stuck with me, showing nothing but compassion and friendship while he tried to understand and help in any way he could. He was constantly concerned about me, especially if he didn't hear from me for a few hours, especially at night as that seemed to be when the alter emerged most often. Last night, this alter emerged again and had been drinking and was overly rude to my friend. So much so that I'm pretty certain our friendship is ruined. He has stepped away and is now distancing himself, for his own well being and I don't expect him to come back. I believe I was becoming toxic to his own mental health. My words, not his. I do not fault him in any way. He did the absolute best he could and is/was what I would consider the perfect friend. All of that said, it hasn't even been a full day and I juat feel so lost. He has been such a constant in my life for so long now that I'm not sure how I'm going to get by without him. I know it may seem like I'm overreacting and it probably sounds ridiculous to be this worked up no longer than it's been, but I just miss him so much already and it is killing me that I've hurt him. I want nothing but the best for him and if this is what he needs, I know have to accept it. There was no official goodbye, but I'm certain that's what this is. I just feel so incredibly lonely. Even just a "Hello" from him would do wonders.

And please excuse my language, but I hate this fucking alter. I hate that he is a part of me. How does everyone manage???

Hi everyone! My partner has been diagnosed for a few years now, and I’d love to know from others who have DID how I can best support and care for them. I really appreciate any thoughts and advice!

This is the primary, forward-facing alter. The survivor alter posted a few days ago. I just don't have a whole lotta people to talk to, so I thought this might be a safe space.

I just feel sad and lonely. It's hard knowing that I've made it to age 55 and never once was loved by a family member. Some of them were overtly abusive (hence DID being a thing), but the rest didn't care if I lived or died. I'm unwelcome in their homes (damaged goods, don't ya know).

I've been married for 18 years. My marriage is utterly loveless. My spouse has no desire for physical or emotional intimacy with me. We often sleep in separate rooms. He will not use my name as an alter (or any other alters name). It's like he doesn't really see us. I guess I'm useful to him because I clean the house, balance the finances, take care of the cat, file the taxes, drive him around, service the cars, and listen to him complain about his workday. But it just feels like we aren't really seen for who we are.

We're never allowed to be tired. We're never allowed to delegate, and we always have to be the strong one. And we keep doing that until I basically collapse and the survivor alter or angel alter takes over.

I don't have many friends. I reach out only sparingly because I've had so many people discard me in the past. At age 55, I'll never be able to make new friends. There's an extra layer of difficulty when you add DID and neurodivergent together.

My body makes me sad too. We've had so many injuries. We have a lot of floaters in our vision, we frequently hurt for no reason and for long periods of time, and we have that type of incontinence that manifests as excessive urgency.

There aren't any solutions. It just makes me sad.

I have 4 known parts/alter. When I need to figure something out I bring everyone into a mental room, when it’s problem solving, it’s usually like a conference room. I have done this since long before I was diagnosed. I was only diagnosed about 2 months ago. So my awareness of these things has increased…But in a problem solving session yesterday I realized there were more than 4 “people” sitting in on this session. I have therapy Tuesday and will bring this up to him…but is it likely I have more than 4 alters or simply extra people in my “imaginary” conference?

Can't sleep. Am here. Mind is racing. Wish we could sleep. Hate this body. Hate how it feels. Hate feeling disgusting. Hate feeling like a monster. Hate this body's hands. Hate how we feel Hate being hated. We can't be seen. Am so tired. Mind is racing. Hate this body. Can't sleep. Am so tired.

Im sorry if this isn't the sub for it but i believe it is...so after a long while i finally got a therapist again, due to life and insurance issues i was on a waitlist for almost a year until i was parried with my current therapist back in july.

We meet weekly because building trust for me is extremely hard because i still get paranoid that somehow my family will find out despite being an adult and not under their insurances and confidentiality and all that jazz. Growing up i would have a therapist but i never truly opened up, just talked about my moods and anxiety because i always worried my family would get told for some reason...

But about a month or two ago i explained my growing up but only a fragmit of what i remembered as my memory is really bad, which included so much unsupervised internet at the age of 7. He pinpointed trauma in me. I denied it. But i love him for his work because he was very gentle with it and backed off a little because he knows i was uncomfortable.

We were talking last week about my mental health as you do, and i finally felt comfortable to express what i think could have been some kind of schizophrenia, bringing up how some disorders can be genetic and my moms mother experienced such bad schizophrenia that she was put in a hospital for the rest of her days. So i believed it trickled down to me because i feel my mom also could experience something like that? I dont know we dont talk about her stuff. He asked me some questions about what kind of things id hear and if it was accompanied with hallucinations, while i have had hallucinations its never people and its only when i get extremely distressed and i dont hear anything come from the visual hallucinations. He then questioned my memory, which can get pretty spotty which i guess isnt what happens in schizophrenia? Maybe? I don't know. Either way ill have days i dont remember, time periods i cant remember but i always combat it with "well i also had lead poisoning as a kid and had to get treated for a few weeks" which can mess with my brain.

He asked if he could suggest something to look into. He suggested a dissociative disorder. He deals with many patients with trauma and DD so he might know a thing or two if hes working with them. Ive never shut down a conversation so fast. He understood and said we could talk about it next time if i felt up to it. He said it really didn't sound like schizophrenia and it made me want to cry. Ive never been 'chronically online' but when i accidentally stumble onto chronically online areas i get uncomfortable so fast and leave. I know the stigmas things carry and im always so cautious about how im perceived so i never want to interact with people that do such things for attention, and while its not every single one of them there are still some and thats enough to scare me away from those communities and even anything about the disorder. I know many people struggle with accepting this disorder, scared they are faking it because of how some behave online.

Im scared so bad to get pinned for this because its a rough thing to deal with.

I opened up about that last session to my boyfriend who struggled with somekind of DD (dont remember which one but he was medically diagnosed a few years back) and his response was "well i could of told you that" jokingly and gosh have peoplereally seen that in me?...my roommate also said i really should explore it with my therapist because, while not being a professional he loves searching up mental disorders and learning about them indepth as he always wanted to work in that feild, he thinks it could be something to look into and not completely rule out yet.

Im just scared. And lost. Yes i hear things in my head. Yes they are distinct. Yes i forget some of my days. Yes ive had periods where people around me KNOW something is going on. Yes i dissociatie so bad sometimes. Yes, ill accept i have trauma, But i cannot accept the fact it could ever be that. Im too in my head about it all and like many others i feel I'm just faking everything for 'attention' but i truly dont want anyones eyes on me, i cant have everyones eyes on me.

I dont know i just needed somewhere to rant where no one knows me. Im just so scared to explore DD incase that is what this is. I hear its rare and im hoping i fall innthe majority. But we will see with time, i hear it takes awhile to get it properly pinned so.

were they any moments where they were like “yeah. you have it” or any big things that helped get the diagnosis? i really need help. im in the middle of the process, but i dont know want to bring up. i thought maybe i’d ask and see if anyones answers helps me remember.

So my therapist wants me to come up with some ideas to create a routine to close our sessions. She wants to start doing this routine before working on past traumas. She wants it to be 5-10 minutes at most. I'm unsure how to create one or come up with ideas. Does anyone have any ideas that I might incorporate?

I've been lonely for so long that I've started to hear voices in my head. They don't talk to me, they talk to each other. But sometimes I can hear them talking about me. The voices in my head were having a side conversation while I was doing work, and while they were doing that, one of them said Rowan out loud (still in my head, but loud enough for me to hear it clear as day) and I just went, “Rowan? What? Who said my name?” before realizing I'm alone in my room and it was inside my own head. So I guess I have "friends" now...

Ummmm. Not sure where to start. I (23f) was recently diagnosed with DID. I have only been able to identify fully, 1 alter. After doing ready i believe she may be the “protector”. I was just wondering if I could get some advice and like PERSONAL direction. I am in cognitive behavior therapy for this. How did you learn your alters and their purposes? Thank you very much in advance:)

Just coming to realize that attempts to focus or pay serious attention to almost anything can be a trigger for dissociation and even facilitate a switch to younger, more distressed parts. Greater system stability and decreasing dissociation has made triggers more apparent and most of the time almost any kind of focus seems to cause internal chaos/panic, most often resulting in dissociation. I believe this may have something to do with resistance to “presence” but wondered what others’ experiences might be. Thanks!

I am kind of confused, we have had pretty large amnesia walls for a while, and all of a sudden they seem to be going down. Is this normal? I theorized that its a sign of healing, but its worrying me a bit.

Im mainly worrying because ive sort if wondered if im a system in the first place, and maybe its something else. Im undiagnosed, but i want and plan to get a diagnosis in the future.

I guess a simple version of my question is Are amnesia walls "going down" Normal / an actual occurrence? If so, what is its cause?

So i (F20) and my partner (M20) had met eachother again about a year ago, and when we met i had was still in a very bad place for myself mentally, emotionally, and physically but when i met him and we had an irresistible connection and i ended up falling for him we had found ourselves in a position where he asked for my BC and i normally don’t pay much mind to the question and said 6 because that was close to my number i thought that i had, throughout our relationship about the first half of it he finds out through people around the city some true some not about my old sexual partners the problem here was i couldn’t remember most of them, and it wasn’t until names and timezones were brought back to my attention that i’d start to get bits and pieces of certain partners, so he ruled me out as a liar and i was confused because although i do lie as does everyone i didn’t lie about said forgotten partners, so i went to my therapist and had talked to her about it and she suggested that maybe i wasn’t the one having sex and i could potentially have an alter as i show signs of it, she also said that i could have a dissociative amnesia a trauma response to the acting out of character and the medication i had been on at the time, i dismissed the first thought in order to work with what seemed easier at the time to me, i didn’t finish going to therapy to continue to learn about the two things and so when it came time to have the conversation with him about why i have been lying to him because he said that would bring us peace, i tried to explain what the therapist had said to me to him and he didn’t seem to understand that and i don’t think he wants to believe it or can quite frankly and i understand why, he feels lied to and played with so it makes perfect sense for him to feel the way he does but i just hate the feeling it gives me because i didn’t mean to lie i wasn’t even aware that i was, our relationship progressed and he had already been the type to make certain comments on women and things as i’ve heard him talk about his exes in the beginning of our relationship so i stayed quiet and strayed away from bringing it up as much in fear of being slut shamed, broken up with, or nasty comments he may make, these things continued all the time and i just thought that maybe he was suffering from retroactive jealousy, so i had suggested it to him and now im realizing that his obsession with my past probably was built off the fact that he feels i lied about mine and he doesn’t know me, im really here asking for help on to how to better this situation because i truly do love him and he says he loves me and we plan to spend our future together but i dont think it’s fair for him to have to deal with this anger/confusion inside him , i have no problem dealing with the blockade i get from thinking too much into that year of my past, i do want to get the help though so i can be my honest self with him and provide him with the relationship security he needs.

I tried to summarize this the best way because i tried to put years and months into this paragraph so if there are any questions please ask! :D

Does any one not have names for their alters/parts? Recently diagnosed in the last 2 months, but have guessed that is what I had for years. My therapist asked my parts if they wanted to be referred to as something specific…(we’ve been referring to them by their “purpose” at this point protector, persecutor, child etc) and I can’t get past the idea that it’s not safe for them to have names to even begin to discuss if they want names. There’s no logical reason for these feelings at this point. I have a very loving and supportive partner , good therapist and stable life.

i’ve been recently diagnosed with did, and the whole thing is making me really dissociated but oh well. i noticed people always use ‘we’ when they talk about themselves but i just feel it’s dehumanising, is it wrong? i just don’t get it, is it like a form of acceptance or something?? am i supposed to also think of myself as multiple people when i am really the only one? i don’t know.

Some of our alters want to be seen but others don't. I have told some of my friends about me having DID but I never told them anything about the other alters. Sometimes I really want to be seen for who I am, not for I am as in the body. If that makes sense... How do I introduce the alters to my friends?

I’ve always adored Jessica Lange. She’s probably my favorite actress. You always said you like her too I think. I was so surprised to find out she did this movie about the book my psychiatrist recommended I read. Sybil. Well, she said to watch the 1976 movie but whatever lol. It’s based on a book that was the first actual case they recognized as real and labeled my so called condition. It’s laughable really, how the media portrays dissociative identity disorder. You can watch “fight club” (obviously I’m sure you have) or even new movies like “split”. Yeah, they’re entertaining and i would call them good movies. I love fight club. It’s just not exactly how I live my everyday life. They don’t seem to portray the pain I feel each day, it’s just Hollywood overplay. I live in constant fear of what I may do next. will I remember yesterday? Will someone tell me the terrible mess I made? I sure as hell won’t remember. this movie isn’t too different than the others, but it’s worth a watch I suppose. Look, I lost my job, I’m barely seeing my daughter, I have no money, and no vehicle; I’m at a loss with this shit. I have no idea who I am or why this is happening to me constantly. This is my fourth hospitalization. I’ve been doing psychotherapy, some other holistic approaches to try to heal, and a shit ton of medications. I’ve gained 40 pounds (which is nice considering I went to the hospital weighing in at 89). I’m sorry I haven’t reached out. It’s just the pain of knowing my family has to continually deal with my bullshit. I want to get better completely before I ever see any of you again, and I promise I will. Just give me time. I will pay you back mom, I promise. I love you and I’m so sorry for everything. I’m going to make sure I am better this time around. I won’t stop taking my medicine and I won’t do drugs or drink. I love you all so much. Tell my siblings I love them and I’m proud of them too, tell them im sorry for abandoning them. Tell them that they mean the world to me even though I haven’t showed my appreciation. I owe you all so much. I’ll be back as Laney, the real one, the good one, whoever that may be. I love you mom, I hope you give me another chance someday soon. You have been so good to me and I know I haven’t given you the recognition that you deserved and I’m so sorry for that. I hope you know I appreciate you beyond words can explain. I will make everything up to you as soon as I can.

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So I've been diagnosed for two years now I had a throwaway account for this sub but I lost it anyways back to the confusion... everyone I talk to about this (mostly friends) keeps telling me I'm "the original" or "in charge" and my alters only get to come out when I SAY they come out the thing is I feel like thats not true they kinda come out whenever they damn well please..... sometimes I can stop them but not everytime and it makes EVERYONE upset including me to attempt to keep them in all the time but they CANT be coming out at work idk what to do or what to think I guess I just want advice on how to handle all this

I don't know how to manage suicidal parts and they are causing so many issues. Ended up sectioned a few weeks ago and in hospital the other day cause parts come out that wander off and claim they will do harm to the body. Historically they have done harm though thankfully not the last few times.

Apparently in a last episode I kept trying to get out of the house by any means including windows and when I was stopped instead finding sharps. They drink and smoke WAY too much. My life is spiraling out of control so bad and I don't even remember most of it! Just end up in a police car, ambulance or the hospital many hours later. Then I get left with the fallout and god awful hangovers. I don't even drink! It's destroying the people around me to see me like this and I'm exhausted. I don't know what to do. I'm constantly apologising for things I don't even remember.

Has anyone dealt with anything like this? It's been years now, sometimes with periods of calm and other times periods of complete chaos like recently.

I'm NOT my best self today. I just had like 4 super "good" weeks. I mean, I felt better- I know the part/alter too well that was definitely running the show, she helps but makes sketchy decisions but I felt better...today is panic attacks and intrusive thoughts and every thought is too fucking much and I'm melting. (I have CPTSD, PMDD, I am in therapy, have been for years)

BUT the part that was in place for a good while only comes when I feel hopeless. That can't be a good sign either. Therapy teaches me that communication and asking for needs to be met, even repeatedly, will help keep me safe. So much easier said than done. Asking once was hard enough.

Everything and everyone is too loud in my head. And thrown in with all the words, accusations, shoulds and insults are things like IS THIS JUST AN EMOTIONAL FLASHBACK? and IF YOU DID IFS CORRECTLY YOU COULD HELP THIS, and READ MORE ABOUT COPPER AND ESTROGEN AND PMDD...how the fuck are we supposed to know what is happening in here? What did I do wrong to fall so hard today? How do I stop the one that was in place for weeks from making shitty choices? Is she coming back soon? Am I even a real person? WHICH OF ME IS THE REAL ONE????? I feel a little unhelpable, a little unhealalble when it's like this. And I just learned about some copper toxicity and anxiety and estrogen connection (PMDD stuff), and now I feel like an asshole for having PMDD my whole life if it was "just" a copper toxicity that taking zinc and other stuff could help. I have done this to myself then? (re-start all the accusations, shoulds, insults and overwhelm)

I don't have therapy again until Wednesday. I really did just feel better for weeks even though that part/alter/whatever made some shitty choices. I felt like I was yelling from the back of a tunnel to NOT do those things. This is ridiculous. Sorry. Thanks for listening. I'm messy today. How am I to know which thing is happening? Or why? What did I do wrong? I'm so tired.

Can something like IFS really address all of this? I'm so tired. Sorry again for the ranty weirdness.

Hi! I have a few alters (I usually don't call them that but whatever). Most of them don't age, they either have been that age the whole time or, rapidly aged then stopped. I have no idea if that's normal but that's not important! My one Alter who ages is turning 20! The problem I have is getting in a safe space where he can game without anyone coming to talk to "me".

I live with my parents and siblings, they all know of my diagnose but ignore it or say I'm fine cuz I'm stable which I have said time and time again that both statements can be true.

My Alter wants to just play Cult of the Lamb and maybe eat cake. I don't have a lock in my room or even a functioning door (it's a glorified piece of wood). The other problem is that he has a severe phobia of eye contact. I don't know what to really do but want to give him time to celebrate! Any advice?

(22F) i've endured severe trauma for my entire life. when i was in high school, i thought i had did. but then i kind of just let it go and i was like "maybe i'm imagining this, i don't have the resources to figure it out." (i grew up in an abusive and neglectful household.) i forgot about it, and just let things be for a long time. i tried to focus on tackling my trauma and just trying to heal from my ptsd (possibly c-ptsd but i need to be evaluated) using dbt exercises, journaling, and just trying to be more idk aware of when it was getting bad? trying to fix it on my own and support myself, i guess.

i definitely struggle with severe dissociation, and i have lots of gaps in my memory. i used to black out completely in high school, but i don't know if that was because of sleep deprivation. i was briefly in a mental hospital when i was 15, and a lot of that is a blank, but it was very traumatic. there was a lot of medical malpractice involved. my dissociation became so severe, and i was borderline catatonic for a period. for a long time now, i've started feeling there were two distinct parts/versions of me. no distinct names or history, i tend to call them my sun and moon counterpart because that's the language i had and what made the most sense to me and now idk it feels solidified? i notice a shift in myself and think "oh, sun [MY NAME] is back" it unconsciously just became the "name" i gave it.

i definitely have large shifts in personality alongside this, and i unconsciously change the way i dress and speak. every time i feel like i'm one of me, it feels like the other one was me faking the whole time. like all of that was some phase that's finally over, but then it always changes back. i definitely notice these shifts alongside traumatic events or things that trigger me, but sometimes they just happen with no explanation. a lot of the behaviors i exhibit during these shifts feel like they were designed to protect myself (ex. regression and childlike denial when i'm too overwhelmed to handle something; sardonic humor to cope with things and a lack of openness to others) i don't really understand who i am outside of this. both feel like me but also not like me. sometimes i feel like there is no real me.

i'm not currently in a place to seek therapy (but hopefully very soon). i still feel like maybe i'm exaggerating it somehow or like i made this up to "seem interesting" but i don't find it interesting at all. i find it embarrassing and heartbreaking because i feel so at odds with myself all the time. i feel like if i try to talk about it, nobody will believe me. i feel like people will think i'm crazy and attention-seeking.

when i can seek help, how do i find someone who will take this seriously? what kind of therapist or psychologist should i even look for? and how do i choose between cbt, dbt, and all the other therapies?