For the past 2 weeks I have without fail had a panic attack regarding the thought death every day. I can’t stop trying to imagine leaving and never coming back, never experiencing anything ever again. It’s not just sleeping and waking up, it’ll be over, nothing. It is the scariest feeling and I hate feeling like this. I have tried to just pretend like the thoughts don’t exist but they are so loud. I am so scared of never being here again, never seeing what’s to come, never being me ever again. Please help calm me down I cannot console myself.

Where am I

Where am I Everything is fake The houses all look the same Are the others real Why are there so many of them Does the past even exist or just this moment Why is everyone rushing just to exist Where you you going What is your goal What is the point What are they harvesting our energy for Why do we just want to reproduce to keep the game going Who wins and when Why are they trying to divide us and turn us against each other
I’m not on drugs I haven’t been in awhile Yet I’m getting more out of touch everyday I’ve always been so happy and now I’m scared I look deep into my eyes and I cry I used to laugh Life is getting scary or it always has been and now I’m seeing what isn’t true Everything.

I came across a very very strange bit of information: dark matter is information.

Now normally, I wouldn't care at all about this. However, I *know* that:

1. dark matter represents ~65% of the mass of the UNIVERSE.

2. that is A LOT of information which we do not yet have.

3. if that (statement, above) is ***true...***we DO have a new problem. <--this checks it. It IS a concern.

I saw this, also: https://medium.com/@bfk3/craziest-thing-that-youve-never-seen-116eade172f8

Why is this strange? because Brock Pierce DOES check out. He IS a billionaire. It's evident. You CAN check that. This guy clearly knows him. He clearly talked to him/texted him. The guy's TELEPHONE NUMBER is on the video ALSO.

What does all this mean? It seems (to me) to mean that we have a very very dangerous situation on OUR hands.

My advice? Listen for 4:11. That's all there is at the top. Comment here once you have, please.

I (16M) look back at what i was like at 14,15 and 16 up until a few months ago and i want to go back man. I was happy, i didnt give a shit about much, i was living in the moment. Now, the moment feels like the exact opposite of where i am.

I look at the future and im terrified, im constantly thinking about how my parents,my grandparents, my dog and myself are going to die one day and how it could be eternal nothingness. I feel lost looking for what i want to do in college and university (where i live the school system is a bit different and im in my last year of highschool). I think about how im going to be old, lonely, and in pain one day and how the years will just fly by like seconds. etc.

I look at the past and i feel like everything is slipping away. I feel like i wasted my childhood and took it for granted aswell as my early teen years. I didnt really develop a talent and i dropped the one thing i actually did after elementary (fencing but that doesnt matter)

To sum it up I feel stuck and trapped, I cant seem to live in the moment despite how much i want to and everything feels dull and/or grim. Will i ever be happy like i used to be again?

I also went through deep existential dread this year, this subreddit helped me alot. As time passes, I see more and more people go through the same. And it honestly makes me sad, it makes me question why more people are facing this. It's obvious that as a society we've fucked it up pretty bad.

You're not crazy for diving deep into lifes meaning, it's a natural part of the human experience. Most do this during a "midlife crisis" and go back to being their old self again. But I see people in their 20s and 30s go deep into this. It's sad but also gives me hope at the same time. I did this work and it made me feel whole and free.

If we can hang on and take care of ourselves, I promise that life will feel soooo good. Life is worth living, you probably want me to say something else and give you something that instantly solves this feeling of being in a void. But you don't have a choice but to go within yourself. No one could do anything to ease my pain when it came to this, only I could do that with time.

Take this as an opportunity to grow and heal, you are not crazy. No one that is aware is crazy at the same time. It's just that most people around you don't see it, that's why you feel crazy. You're not.

Sending love❤️

I just realized that dying is equal to nothing, its not rest or peace its just nothing, we stop existing. It just haunts me

I've been feeling a bit off lately. It feels like something is missing from my life, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Everything is going great: I'm passing all my college courses with flying colors, my finances are consistent, and I work part-time at the library. I have friends I can talk to, and we have a lot of fun together, but there's this underlying sadness or unfulfilled feeling within me.

I know I'm privileged to even be complaining about this because there are people out there fighting for their lives every day. I definitely acknowledge my blessings and I'm very grateful for them, but I can't shake this feeling that something is missing. I don't know what to do about it, and I feel kind of crazy even writing this. Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you deal with it?

What can cause someone to feel that the world is confusing, have tics like shaking stuffs in his hands, walking around in circles, overthinking, overlap of ideas, moving his lips, talking with himself while thinking, and what are the best solutions?

Everything I do, watch, read, etc has made me think about what happens when we die recently. For example, I was watching the Golden bachelorette, and all I could think about was: If heaven is real, do they go up to heaven and spend life there with both their old wife and their new one? Or does the old wife wait for them in heaven, just for them to show up with a new wife and abandon her?

I know it sounds stupid, but I keep thinking of verrrrry specific senarious to everything. These questions have honestly made me start to think that there is absolutely nothing when we die. That we are just too evolved animals, so we die like animals and just go into the ground. It gets really dark in my head when I go through these imaginary scenarios and I often find myself thinking that nothing even matters. But, this thought makes it hard for me to want to do anything really. I’m unemployed right now until December too, so I am alone with my thoughts alot.

Has anyone else ever had these thoughts?

Just telling me that nothing matters. With that being said, should I grind, should I even try, should I just chill and relax. Why do anything if nothing matters. I’m 21 and feel like I’ve lived a good amount now. I’m scared of death and wish I could go back. There’s no retry’s either. Just the thought of death being guaranteed fucks with my brain on a daily basis. It’s almost like it affects my choices in life

Hello, I’m 18 years old and I have a fear of death. I often find myself thinking about philosophical questions, such as what if the universe or the Big Bang had never existed—there would have been simply nothing. When I reflect on this for a while, sitting quietly in my room alone, I start to panic at the thought that there could have been absolutely nothing—no universe, nothing at all. It feels surreal all of a sudden, and at the same time, I start questioning the meaning of everything and what the purpose of it all is. Do any of you ever feel this way? Are these thoughts normal? I mean, I’m only 18, and others my age seem to be focused on completely different things.

Im still quite young not even old enough to drink. But I have this thought in my head where I have trouble accepting things as they are. Like why is earth this way why is the cosmos this way why is physicality a thing etc. I’m a Deist so I believe that natural laws were shaped by a superior force. But for some reason I’m struggling with why the universe is like it is. I love life I have a craving for it. I’m not someone who lacks meaning in life, but right now I’m off balance I feel distant and fake. From reality I feel destroyed. I’ve come to accept that reality is what it is and human consciousness just exists. Making us this way, I believe the universe was designed and now we are living in it yearning for answers. I just wanna live the human experience accepting life as it is like not wondering why everything cars, people, planets, reality is the way it is or even real

Hi there, I’m having an existential crisis as of late. It seems like I (26f) literally cannot progress in life no matter how hard I try. I have 4 degrees that somehow can’t get me (good paying) careers. I also tried nursing school and then BOOM covid hit and ruined that for me as well. I get a new car, and stuff goes wrong. I get a new job, but it’s worse than the last. I move out, the landlords a creep. I lose my insurance, then I get sick. And so on. Sometimes I don’t feel real. Like I’m in some game or simulation, and I literally am not allowed to level up. I have this one game where the characters have 1-5 stars. The 5 starred ones can go all the way to level 100, while the 3 stars can only go to 80. Nothing more can be done for them. They have reached their top level. THIS is how I feel. It’s absolutely not for lack of trying on my part either. It just seems like nothing EVER goes my way. I’m a good person too, I don’t do wrong by anyone or thing unless it’s unavoidable- which is very rare for me. I feel so stuck. I also feel like if I were to express this to my loved ones they would just try to give me a pep talk, and not really hear me. Ugh, does anyone else relate to this?

I am a 41-year-old woman feeling lost in life and without a sense of purpose. I am a mother of two and a wife to a wonderful man. I run and operate my own business, which is still new, and I want to grow it. But some days, I have the drive and motivation, while other days, I don't. On top of that, I'm not finding joy in my life. I’ve accomplished almost everything I wanted to in my younger years, and professionally, I’m not where I dreamed or planned to be. I have a great support system now, with people who believe in me, but I still dwell on the past.

Growing up, I was never cherished or celebrated. I was always told I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t and that I wanted too much out of life. I basically grew up around people who didn’t believe in me, feeling like I was always being looked down upon. So, I felt like I had to prove them wrong. Today, some of those people have become silent fans, while others continue to hate, but they no longer have arguments to justify their negativity. I’ve proved them wrong.

But now, how do I find my motivation? I keep telling myself I have to do it for me, but honestly, I don’t feel like I need to prove anything to myself. Yet, I still hear those negative voices from the past. I see people believing in me, but I’m not listening to them because all I hear are the people from my past. Maybe it's because, in my pursuit of proving them wrong, I made many mistakes that I now feel ashamed of.

I’ve always been a social person, but now I don’t want to socialize. I’m Latina, and I moved to the States a few years ago, and I constantly feel judged—or maybe it’s all in my head. I’m in therapy, but now I don’t want to continue because I feel judged there, too. Sometimes, therapy helps, but other times, I feel like I’m back at square one. The thoughts of not doing anything won’t go away, and my actions aren’t improving. I know the solution is within me, but I just can’t seem to find it.

My mind is constantly racing with thoughts, and my body doesn't want to move. When my body wants to move, my mind convinces it not to. Basically, all I want to do is stay in bed and watch TV, but that doesn’t make me happy. I know I’m still young and have so much more to give. My kids are still young, under 8, and I have to force myself to do things for them. But I’m not feeling motivated by anything. Am I having a midlife crisis? How long does this last? Is anyone else in the same boat? Have you been through this at some point in your life? How did you get out of it? I need advice. Please help!

I've been feeling numb lately because I feel like my feelings don't matter. For a multitude of reasons. I've felt that way for a while, but today everything finally came crashing down. Every question I've had about anything led me, eventually, to existentialism.

I feel as though nothing really matters. When people say someone is changing the world, they aren't changing the world, they're changing society. And society doesn't matter. The universe and the world even is so huge and expansive that it's incomprehensible- every change we make doesn't matter in this great expanse. Everything that we do only matters among ourselves as humans. It only matters in your social circle and in society. Nothing you do matters in the grand scheme of things. And all of this randomly clicked on a Monday morning.

I could keep on going on about this. About how our feelings don't matter, our actions don't matter. Everything I do matters in how my life is shaped, but it doesn't mean my life matters, whether I find its meaning or not. It matters among people I know. That's it. I won't change the world, and even if I did, does that even matter when the universe is so huge? I didn't truly change anything.

Now, as I look at anything and everything, I say "none of this matters." And it's been weighing me down a while without me knowing of it.

Maybe this doesn't count as an existential crisis, but I'm wondering what anyone here has to say about my thoughts. Also, I'm 14 and I feel like it's not normal to be having these thoughts at this age. I feel like I'm insane.

Or perhaps I'm having these thoughts to cope with all the mistakes I've made that I feel no one else makes, but that's a completely separate topic on my self-worth and my lack of confidence, but it all ties into whether it all really matters.

I hope someone here understands. Because I'm at the point where even I struggle to understand my own thoughts.

Edit: It may be important to know that I'm not afraid of death. I feel it is a crucial part of life and what gives life some meaning. Obviously, meaning has to come from within you and you must discover it, but I feel like the concept of meaning exists because of death. I'm not worried about my life having no meaning, because I'm so young that it makes sense I haven't found it. I'm worried about whether that meaning truly matters. I believe that meaning and matter are two different things. Because if finding your meaning doesn't matter, then what's the point in meaning at all? What's the point in your quest to find meaning?

Maybe this is all happening because I'm stressed, in a bad state of mind, and so very pessimistic. Without a fix for any of it. I noticed that finding people like-minded made me feel better, but I don't get the chance to talk to those people, so I thought that's why I'd try this.

So for the past couple of months I’ve been battling with pretty severe anxiety about what happens after death. I would consider myself to be a very “conscious” person, and I think I am hyper aware about what I do and (especially) don’t know. I often find myself obsessing over how massive the universe is and how much we don’t know about what the universe is really like and what happens after death. I can’t stop obsessing about what happens after death. I can’t sleep, I avoid driving because I’m scared of dying in a wreck, and it’s overwhelming how I know this is my only life and after this there is nothing. The concept of eternity is terrifying to me.. what is eternity? Will death be like what it was like before birth? I like life and experiencing things and being conscious and im so so scared of that being gone one day.

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop obsessing about this?

Overcoming an existential crisis: recently I have heard a phrase that says helping other people is easier for those who don’t have/lost their own goals. That hit hard!

And so it becomes a bit exhausting trying to figure out what to do with life being an ADHD person who must have tried themselves in VARIOUS things already. I don’t want to ask myself what do I like anymore etc, neither I am interested in having a professional orientation session or smth, no.

I want to shake a magical crystal ball / throw the dice / click on a button that would reveal to me what is it that some people do in life anywhere across the globe, how is their profession called and what’s it about. And repeat it as many times as a want until I feel the spark to try that too, mayhaps. Like, I heard once that in Japan there are people who are getting paid to pretend to be your relative for a chosen period of time. Or I know that there is a position to draw ornaments on the sand somewhere at the seaside each sunrise. That kind of stuff.

So l'm sitting in bed at my hotel, I had currently taken a hit off of a "special" pen. I'm sitting in my bed and I'm watching Outer Banks. It seems like part of the show connected with my reality and he tried to help me escape from the current simulation that I'm in. It felt as if I were being controlled and in someone else's brain sitting in a simulation cage, it feels as if different people have been put into this perspective of life to farm human problem-solving skills, such as coincidental situations. It felt like someone was trying to speak with me telepathically and trying to help me escape from the simulation. ( maybe an alien of the same species as mine) This could go one of two ways one I'm being farmed for problem-solving skills as a human because Al realize that humans are inefficient and that we're only useful for our power and problem-solving skills. Or that it was some sort of imprisonment and that I did something wrong to be in the situation that I was in. The telepathic communication had tried to convince me that the air-conditioning unit on the wall was lowering the transmitter that controlled my thought process, and I was able to for a split second split back into the reality that I was already in. I can't tell if I'm in real life or these perspectives are real. Usually these type of pens, make people dumber and less oriented towards what's happening with them in reality but I think every time that I use things like these it helps me understand what's actually happening. I originally thought that I was in some sort of Truman show, but it comes to reality that this seems more realistic. What are your thoughts?

Everything is starting to feel so distant. Everyday I discover a new existential subject to ruminate on. All emotions are fake and my body and brain are only made from some atoms or whatever. Even the intense depression and helplessness that i feel everyday doesn’t make sense anymore. The derealization that comes with it really makes me question if I still want to live.

Is the existential crisis going to pass? Am i supposed to accept every weird emotions that come with it? I’m really desperate but i feel like there’s no coming back.

I’ve had this thought develop for a very long time, I’m only 20years old but my brain has been brewing this shit for a few years. But recently after reading a book “the diversity of life” which really explains scientifically how evolution occurs, this thought has really solidified. I know I’m not the first or anything and I don’t really like philosophy so I haven’t read about this. I was always kinda obsessed with evolution, because it is the very thing that brought us to this point, but the only thing holding us back. We evolved to be super powerful and advanced but now our monkey brains can’t handle it, I understand why….cuz that’s what evolution is, a shitty technically random slow process that only has two factors reproduction and survival, so why would we evolve more than this shitty being that is stuck on this shitty rock, I’m just bothered that there is so much we don’t know, how much there is still to discover. Literally, every single problem we have created is rooted in the fact that we are too monkey brained. From global warming, (we know how to solve the problem but we can’t because monkey brain) to personal problems like relationships and ego (which are byproducts of evolution cuz they helped survive). I won’t go into details, but I promise that if you break down any modern ‘problem’ it’s because our brains are just limited to what they are. We are developing technology at an exponential rate but our brains are developing at the rate of evolution (very slow and linear). As society develops exponentially obviously problems will develop exponentially (both in amount and complexity), the only way to solve it would be to find a way to edit our genetics, to improve our mind and break free from evolution. I keep thinking about how we only experience such a tiny amount of what true (subjective) reality is. If evolution only cares about survival there is no reason to evolve comprehension of a 4th dimension or evolve the ability to see radio waves. These things are just some of the many we know/theorize exist, but we can’t perceive with our monkey brains. What about all the things we can’t even comprehend, or theorize about. I’m almost sure that all around us, right in front of our eyes there are whole worlds a completely different reality from the speck of stimulus that our brains can detect and perceive. Just like an ant cant ever comprehend anything beyond pheromone1=food pheromone2=attack pheromone3=dig , etc… we can’t comprehend anything beyond what we know and experience. What bothers me even more is that we are soooo limited and clueless but we are at this middle ground where we are just smart enough to know we are clueless and to be able to develop ourselves into doom. It’s like we are pressing on the pedal of a car that’s driving towards a cliff but we don’t have enough neurons to coordinate our foot, just enough to look at the road shrink as we approach the end.
And then if we do survive, if we are able to escape evolution; create new neurons to control our foot. Solve the impossible problems we accidentally create (like global warming, what about problems we don’t even realize we have created yet?), then our generation will be one of the last ones to die. Think about that. Those future assholes that survived, in a few hundred years, will probably be immortal. They will be eventually able to comprehend and experience all this stuff I’m talking about, they will be gods. If you think about it on humanities timescale we just missed it… I’m just pissed off and I appreciate life so much and what experiences it has to offer that I can’t help but be salty that I’ll never be able to experience the universes objective, full, true, probably infinite, reality.

What a fuckin ramble, if you read all this go enjoy your life, relative to the universe it’s super short and smol, so you should use it for all it’s worth, cuz that all we get ☹️, unlike future mfers that reap all our hard work.

I've felt unfulfilled and uninterested about my existence/life ever since the day I acknowledged that everything and everyone, will at one point cease to exist. I'm 16 years old, and I already don't value myself one bit. The best way to describe how I feel would probably be to say that my life is on autopilot. I feel like the only meaning to my life is to wake up, attend school, eat, sleep, repeat. And it feels like nothing special or interesting lies ahead. I've seen what adulthood is like, and it sounds absolutely miserable.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like my existence in this universe means absolutely nothing. I just don't see a point to my life. It feels empty and unimportant. And the worst part about all of this is that this feeling won't go away. It can't go away. It's impossible to ignore the existential dread of my existence. Is there anyone else who shares this problem? I'd like to know.

I've posted here before https://www.reddit.com/r/Existential_crisis/comments/1d0medw/immense_anger_at_existence/ basically I am adhd, gay born in a homophobic country and even when i escaped I realized fulfillment is not a thing.

I've asked what was the point of all this, why did i have to live through all this?I got a good answer saying instead of focusing on what the purpose of something is, focus on what you need to be fulfilled. the problem is what if nothing can fulfill you? I don't envy anyone, I wouldn't be fulfilled no matter whose life i lived.

everything's flawed. there isn't one thing in this world that's truly good or beautiful. And i get that that can't be changed but just because something can't be fixed doesn't mean it isn't a problem. I don't see the point in changing perspective or acceptance because that can just make me feel better but i don't care about feeling better.

i'd rather be miserable forever than compromise with reality. i should be miserable because i live in a crappy world. it's not logical not to be miserable here. So yeah, i gave up on the world and decided to explore consciousness.

I decided to teach myself how to have an out of body experience(done it once but it's hard), I started exploring scientific studies done on consciousness and i am feeling good that there were a few experiments done this year that renewed interest in quantum consciousness(which is a theory with huge implications about the nature of consciousness and the possibility of an afterlife) and for better or worse I started daydreaming a lot. i function mechanically here, i spend my time in my inner world where everything is beautiful. Some will say i am losing my life to this but what if i wanna lose it.

Now what i discovered was that I might have schizoid personality disorder. Guys i was the one who realized i have adhd and i dragged myself to a psychiatrist and I often tell people when they have undiagnosed disorders to get checked. 9 times out of 10 i am right so i trust my instincts. SPD means you have flat emotions and a general sense of apathy and detachment. It took me a while to come to this realization because some of my emotional reactions(excitement, anger, anxiety) are strong but that's the adhd exaggerating it(emotional disregulation). When i don't have the emotional disregulation everything is flat. Like if my best friend died tomorrow, I would think it's a bad thing but I wouldn't feel it. Now I don't plan to seek a diagnosis for this because it's super hard to diagnose and the only thing that can be done is teach you how to act like you don't have it so I don't see much of a benefit

I don't know if this is the right place but I think I've figured it all out so maybe it can help others. I'm on meds and I think they give me all the answers. I started off with a low dosage and I felt off almost immediately and "not real" and the more they raised it the more that feeling became stronger. they rasied it recently and they said it's maximum dosage. I think I need to take a lot more then I'm told to figure out more but I don't know. I went outside and stared at everything the trees the grass the birds the sky everything. just none of it makes sense. I feel like I'm a video game character and I'm controlling this body or someone else is controlling me. but if someone else was would I be aware of that? what if the person controlling me is making me see all this to warn me. I don't know what to do is this just my life? if I die will I become the person that can control people. will i just die and never come back? is it really like a video game and I have multiple lives? this is freaking me out. I don't want to live in a world where someone else controls me.the universe has never really made sense to me even as a child so I think this is the answer I've been looking for my whole life. I wish I never figured it out.

I sat down tonight and decided to just write a constant stream of my thoughts, so the following is a disjointed pasta of my existential anxiety and reflection on my life. Some of it might be hard to understand because of the structure but here it is:

I am 26 now, and I don’t know why I am here. Things often enter and leave my mind against my will, but the thoughts that haunt me always linger. I never feel like I am enough for anyone, mostly myself. I find that I expect the world to be one way and end up incredibly disappointed. It is possible to have a complete life with loving friends and family, and still feel like you’re the only one who ever truly cares or understands how you, yourself, feels. That whole thing is just the problem though I think; I don’t know who I am, and I don’t understand what is going through my head anymore, I’m not sure that I ever really knew. My entire life has been a blur of experiences that I feel are separated from who I currently am. Every time I set my mind to a goal or task, I always end up being less than anyone else. It's not just a comparison thing, it’s an expectation “thing.” A “thing” of self perception being entirely detached from reality. I feel incredibly detached from reality. I spent most of my life escaping this reality in every way I could, almost without even realizing. As long as I can remember I’ve been glued to screens in order to facilitate that escape. I used to see my love of fictional stories and manufactured experiences to be some kind of advantage I had over normal people. Like I could see the world in a way that wasn't so narrow minded as to be a leader in improving it. I used to feel like I was special. Like I could do something nobody else could. That I could contribute to the world in a special way that I and I alone was capable of, and maybe that reality is true in an abstract and intangible way, but I used to think in a more straightforward and practical way.

It is currently October 14th, 2024 11:23pm. I spent the majority of my day at work busting my ass to pay bills that I am forever cursed to appease, otherwise my way of life ends, and I am rejected from society. I came home expecting to pleasure myself before getting some D&D prep in before my Monday pathfinder session. Instead I came home and pleasured myself for about an hour and half. Proceeded to mindlessly browse the internet, and finally decided to eat dinner while watching anime. Our pathfinder DM canceled the session again for the 2nd week in a row I believe. He’s pretty flakey when it comes to that. I spent the rest of the night doing fuck all. Literally nothing but mindless scrolling. It has nothing to do with compulsion or addiction. For nearly a decade now my life has increasingly felt pointless and fleeting, and it has gotten so bad to the point I now question every single thing I put any effort into. Including things I love like D&D. I feel like I’ll never give my players an experience that will change their lives. I mean, I doubt any D&D game could, but a DM should still strive for that. I just feel inadequate. Like I’ll never be smart or crafty enough to pull this off. In literally everything I do now I feel like I’ll just fuck it up some how and ruin it for someone, and if it isn’t someone, I fuck it up for myself. I took a LOA from my ashes of creation RP guild. I said I would return after a couple weeks, likely before october. Look where we are now… I still haven’t gone back. Every time I insert myself into something bigger than myself, I fail to commit to that ambition. Everything is so hard, and it feels like the things that are supposed to be easy for everyone, are doubly hard for me. Call it depression, apathy, mania, I don’t know. All I know is that I am just trying to live my life comfortably, and the world feels like it's crashing down around me. I feel like my existence as a human being is being present for a slow motion train wreck expecting to leap to safety when the outcome is the same no matter what. I have dreams and ambitions of science, immortality, and the universe, but all I am is a poorly aged good for nothing guy who can’t even measure a piece of plastic correctly. Every day I find more reasons to not even try anymore, Like I can't achieve anything meaningful with how limited my capabilities are. Even when I try to learn new things I find that I am not as receptive to new and difficult challenges as I believe myself to be. I struggle with doing things I should already know how to do, I can’t even talk properly to people without tripping over my words in the beginning. I just feel stupid and unimportant. Perhaps it is nature, perhaps it is nurture, the only thing I know for sure is I am delusional when it comes to myself. Even if I acknowledge my inadequacy, my idiocy, my shortcomings; I feel like I just dig myself deeper into a hole of mediocrity. I spent so long dreaming of a life of exceptional outcome, that I never became anything, and that I never could become anything. I feel like I skipped the truly hard parts of life just so I could remain in my bubble of peace and safety.

It is nearly midnight now. I am dreading returning to work tomorrow because I just hate doing things I don’t feel like doing at this point in my life. The benefit of income is starting to not weigh heavy enough on my mind as the meaning behind it all does. Even as I type this out I am crying… I don’t know what to do. I need help, and I don’t know what that even means. I go to therapy for this, but it gets me nowhere. Every time I hear advice about looking at the world, or life in a more positive light, it feels hollow, disingenuous, and disconnected. It's not that I want it to go in one ear and out the other, but it always happens that way. Nothing seems to move my heart in a way that lets me live life happier. Perhaps I am just the result of our society. Another victim of millennialism. Another stupid adult with an infantile mindset. I don’t know… I just… I need to escape… but nothing lets me anymore...

I hate being in this body, this mind, this existence, but I don’t have a choice. I’d never end my own life, nor am I eager to leave it any other way, it's too scary and unknown to me. I don’t want to feel pain, or experience the light leaving my eyes. If I could live forever I would, but to what end. There are a thousand different scenarios that the media and other things have explored about the potential downsides of such a concept, but I always viewed it with reverence. I want to observe the end of the universe, or uncover secrets of our reality, But I can’t even cook a proper meal for dinner. Why do I even try… How am I even gonna run D&D tomorrow… I wasted so much time. The same is true for now, and as it has forever been: I wasted my time. Maybe life is all about wasting time, but whatever. Another day… another dollar. Amiright fellas!? I can only say “Fuck it, we ball” so many times before it stops working.

I don’t know who I’m writing this too since I don’t know if anythings real, you can’t prove that to me… ‘you’ don’t understand that I’m scared to be alive. scared of my conscious. and that it will never go away. I’m not meant to be alive it’s uncomfortable. I can’t connect anymore because it’s a constant thought. it never goes away and it’s the thought that I’m living, because I currently am. I don’t think ‘whoever’ sees this is real. why am I writing this then? I’m not meant to be alive. Why did humans make the term mental illness. Because we don’t think like you? It’s something made up by humans. You can’t prove there’s meaning or realness to life anymore. I feel I broke my conscience. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to see. or hear. Or have conscience. You can tell me till blue in the face and still somehow a part of me will think that, I can’t unthink the thought.

I don’t consider myself to be particularly smart and I’m not someone that reads much. I’m also not a native English speaker, so bear with me if there are any mistakes.

About one month ago, while I was working from home in a particularly stressful period I took a moment to stare at my keyboard and all of a sudden the world crumbled down on me. I won’t bother you with the details, after all we are on r/Existential_crisis, and my experience is probably very similar to what others have experienced in this sub. My main gripe with reality and existence is that it doesn’t have a definition. I’m not sure what it means for me to exist, I’m not sure what is the meaning of meaning in the first place. I don’t really know how I came to be, nobody knows. Even if god created me I would then ask the question of who or what created god in the first place, if there was a first place to begin with, if there was a beginning… and for this reason I can’t really find comfort in religion. I don’t think religion answers the question of existence at all, nor does science. I do think that science is sound but it is definitely not complete in a formal or informal sense. This doesn’t stop science from making our existence less miserable.

What I think I lack is faith. Online I see many people (mainly atheists) saying that faith is stupid, just a way to justify believing in something without no proof. I don’t really think that the concept of faith is strictly interconnected with that of religion. I feel like every human being must have faith in the relevance of their own existence, faith in the fact that what they do matters, faith that they will die after making the universe better (or worse). Right now I see no proof, nor evidence of any of this, and I’m fully aware that such a thing is impossible to determine. I still choose to believe that I’m more than flesh and blood, but the more I tell that to myself the more I feel like it’s loosing meaning.

I am writing because I wanted some pointers to resources or philosophies that I could peruse to put some order in my brain. Any help will be very appreciated.