I have a self-diagnosed existential depression/anxiety that has been with me for the past 4-5 years. I am a reasonably successful man in his early 50's, with no prior psychological issues, so this one kinda hit me out of the blue. It manifests itself mainly via extreme sensitivity to finality of things...any things. E.g. a final episode of TV mini-series - watched with family, as a pleasant experience - can reduce me, a grown man, to tears (in private), solely because I know that that "chapter" in my life, however short or insignificant, is now over.

I have managed to rein this in to a manageable(-ish) degree in the past few months, thus my questions are not urgent, nor are they a "cry for help." I talk to my family, verbalize my feelings to myself, started keeping a diary, etc. Still, I can't help but wonder about the following few things - if you have a similar affliction (especially if it's been with you for a while), please share your thoughts:

1. Have you managed to figure out why you got it in the first place? How?
2. Do you think it goes away eventually, or "reining it in" is the best we can do? What makes you think that?
3. What helps you more? What helped you less than you expected?

Thank you! And if you have any questions for me, I will be glad to answer as well.

A deepdive into the derealisation of not existing

Going down the rabbithole

After a recent loss i have been really thinking, all these tales of we'll see them again and they are giving signs bla bla bla, i really started digging deeper into all sorts of cultures opinions and traditions surrounding death, some grief some party some sacrifice.

And it all got a little to me, i myself unfortunately suffer from some medical stuff since 18 and might be looking at an earlier demise then most other of my peers, lately this been getting to me since after all that digging, i realised that all the rituals, grieving and other stuff are coping mechanisms of the ones that are living as far as we know the dead don't even know there dead, since all brain function has stopped.

I've watches countless Nde's trying to find one that makes me relax a bit but they are all so different from eachother and let alone the fact they didn't really die, the saying once you die you go back to the state you where i before you where born seems to be scientficly the most probable, but does it satisfy me, No my life hasn't been all that well and im very sad i wont get to experience some of life's wonders and get very drifted away into this, especially since i'm so bothered by the medical issues, i would love to reverse time to just prevent it from happening but well the laws of the universe won't allow for that

And imagine if life was a cycle then this would just happen all those life cycles, Grasping my own mortality through these years has been hard to deal with, it's almost surreal at how much pain and worry it has caused me, To never feel like that again to cease to exist to be forgotten after a few decades to have no way of coming back to build a legacy to see what comes after, just because my brain can't grasp the idea of death.

For the sake of this post, I am focusing on the idea/theory that every ''soul'' and/or conscience will eventually be reincarnated back into their past lives, whether it be upon death or several years after having passed on. (aka quantum immortality or religious reincarnation. reincarnation into another being isn't my concern here.)

What is the point in anything I do? If I may be reborn and forced to live it all over again, again and again, without a memory of having been here before. I could be on my 100th life by now, and I am none the wiser. Given that, regardless of how I die, I will be straight back to square one, why does it matter? Whether I take a gun and blow out my own brains right here right now, or spend the rest of my days rotting in my room, there will be little to no change in the outcome. So why bother eating, talking to people, why do anything at all, when I have apparently already done so and will go on to do a million more times? I understand that when put into words, you're most likely going to think ''well if nothing matters, why not try to be happy and live as good as you can?'' which is what I would say too, but its just not helping me right now. When freedom exits the equation, life appears less like a gift and more like a torturous curse, a personal Hell if you will. And the idea that it might be apart of some 'greater picture' or for my own good just makes me hate the concept more. As if being created for the sake of living up to another being's standards is some blessing.

If this kind of reincarnation really is true, life holds no value for me personally. The one thing that inspired me to be kind and live life to it's fullest was the idea that it will all be over one day, forever. And now that basically my entire world view is being challenged, as weak as it sounds, I don't think I can handle it at all. You're telling me that no matter what I do, I'll just have to repeat myself? That sounds worse than having to repeat a joke. I don't know how to explain it, but not being in control of my fate is literally tearing my conscience to shreds, and I'd argue it was already well in disrepair before ever stumbling across this horrible theory. I'm only 14 now, and I couldn't fathom reliving even 10 of those years, let alone 50+ more, should I age that far. And then begs the question, following specific ideologies, would ending it now prevent myself from living more? If this is perhaps the first life I have ever lived, then dying now would mean I have less to get through. It all sounds absurd when written down, but my mentally ill & paranoid 3am self hardly cares for rationality. (i'm probably just going cuckoo, perhaps being locked away in an asylum is my only hope, lmao.)

Just to make this explicitly clear, I am in search of advice that could help me either accept, make peace with or- heaven forbid, actually appreciate the possibility of this being our/my reality. Being trapped in a time loop with absolutely no recollection of it having happened before is terrifying to me, more so than death, which never really bothered me for my own reasons. It sounds stupid because me dying would, in theory, encourage this reincarnation, should it ever happen, but the uncertainty of my own existence makes me want to end it all.

Also, please refrain from using my insecurities as a way to try and influence/humour your own beliefs. (e.g. you should be afraid! reincarnation is 100% real but preventable! insert_god is your only salvation!) The good old ''better get used to it'' comments are a waste of both our time as well, but go off if you must.

Because it feels very good vs bad right now and it is. Based on history, things don’t look good. So what is good or bad. Biblically Sin. How is sin defined? That’s tough. There are some verses that list specific sins. Some do NOT apply at all anymore. The 10 commandments doesn’t apply in society either. Because the Bible has changed through time and societally we have decided that some sins, which are now crimes, are worse or more forgivable/punishable than others. Microscopically what is sin or bad. There was a list in the Bible!
But granularly what is sin or bad? Causing someone harm intentionally or not.

We dont like it when someone hurts our feelings, body, resources, or children. Like I’ll kill you.

We are doomed to be sinners/assholes. We have to dislike people and be unkind.

It’s our fatal flaw.

But being a civilized human is coexisting with people who have different values. Values are your own concept of what is good or bad. Some values we share like comfort and having resources. But some are more important to us than others. Some people don’t need a lot of resources or comfort. Some value education and compassion. Culture or health etc.

I believe a lot of blue collar conservatives highly value a hard days work because that’s what they were taught. And empathy is hard because life is hard and they really did work their ass off. And If those other people worked as hard as me they would have more.

But what’s alarming is now our head politicians are loudly telling people to not treat others with love and respect. They’re campaigning that it’s our right to be an asshole to anyone we want for whatever reason we want. And he’s pointing fingers. Those people who want to keep you from treating others with love and respect. They’re the bad guys. Their values are bad.

And he’s using fear to sway them. He says those bad guys are going to take your resources away. They want to give YOUR resources to people who don’t work as hard as you. They want to take away your comfort. Because weird people make you uncomfortable and it’s your right to tell them. Those weird people are the enemy and they’re coming after you.

Life is hard. We all work hard to survive. We all have different kinds of hard. We HAVE to stop judging other people’s hard. Their hard is as hard yours even if you can’t see it.

And we HAVE to try harder to not be shitty to people for having different values. I can’t help that I like to learn. They can’t help that hard work makes them feel good.

So how do we coexist?

The one true meaning of life.

Love each other. Try harder to be nice to everyone, even if they’re weird. Even if they have weird values. Love them. Respect them. Treat EVERYONE even people on the internet because they’re real too like you want to be treated.

I am so tired. I don't want a challenge, I don't want to grow and change, I don't want to overcome, I did enough

It feels like once you question so much can you ever go back to Simple living? Any help or tips or anything? Also have any of you taken anxiety meds for this and do they help

Here we are again. Life is meaningless, love is not real, capitalism is inescapable and I want to d!e. I hate that people who are suicidal are constantly forced to go and find a reason to live. They are labeled as selfish and ungrateful, but something that others don't understand is that the fact that they are still alive is purely out of selflessness. They don't want to hurt their loved ones and that's the only thing that keeps them going. My parents don't love me, my mother is just fucked up in the Head like me and my father abandoned me and decided to start a family as if he didn't have one before. His excuse for not being a good father was "I was young and careless I guess". I guess he was. Now I am stuck constantly trying not to hate them because "they are my parents after all". My sister is the only person I can truly forgive for hurting me because I know she was also just a child and didn't know any better. A guy I knew killed himself a few months back and his family hated him for it. They were making posts about him being spoiled and ungrateful. What they refused to understand is that he was an addict and he went into a psychosis which led him to hang himself in a public park the same way his father did when he was a child (she was 6 years old when he walked on his father hanging from the kitchen ceiling). Would they speak of me the same way? That scares me

i don't remember when it started. things haven't felt quite right for years, and from the age of about 12 or 13 i started having problems with dissociative symptoms. over the years it's only gotten worse, and i've started experiencing derealization and depersonalization. it feels like i am in one of those states at all times. some of the rare times i actually feel grounded are when i'm with my boyfriend, whom i love more than anything. i believe it started as some sort of a coping mechanism, as i've struggled with really intense emotions and sensitivity my entire life. maybe it got to be too much, because at some point it felt as though i just shut down or something. every now and then i'd have these intense moments, but that was usually only when i was in a relationship or when i was overwhelmed by a family member in some way. i always thought of my emotions as a curse, and i feared that they'd be the death of me, but now i miss them more than ever. the only emotions i feel anymore just make me want to die, but that's not really the point, just some context. this drastic change in my personality makes me feel like i'm an entirely different person. i don't recognize myself at all in old pictures. when i look in the mirror for too long i have a panic attack. i don't feel any sort of connection to my old self, my current self, my memories, and, a lot of the time, my family. sometimes, though i'm not religious, i'm convinced that i died and have been in hell ever since. something just feels horribly wrong and i don't think i'll ever be able to describe the way i'm experiencing it exactly. i get into thought spirals that nothing is real, and these are always accompanied by dissociative feelings of some sort. it brings these thoughts to life, which i guess is somewhat ironic. sometimes it feels like my vision is blacking out, but not at the same time. like i'm seeing with two sets of eyes. it keeps getting worse, and i've been having more emotional fits. at first i thought it was a good thing to have my emotions back, but they feel like they come from a very different, very wrong place now. i've been trying to get back in therapy but my mental state has made it feel so impossible to do much of anything. i'm scared, to be honest. it feels like i'm getting worse and worse every single day. everything is being amplified as well because my boyfriend has rarely messaged me in the past few days, and that makes me feel like he might as well have just left me. i'm so scared and i don't know what to do, or if anything's even worth doing because nothing may be real at all.

i'm sorry for being disorganized and rambling, i just feel stuck.

24F here.

Before I get into what's exactly going on with that title, I want to get something out of the way. I have been working on myself for the past 4 years—self improvement, therapy, socializing, meeting new people, connecting, yada yada. You name it and I have done that in some capacity or the other.

I recently left my only source of income to focus on something that 'I' wanted to do. Before that I was doing a bunch of stuff. Worked as a writer for 1.5 years, UX design before that, and Psychology.

I have been obsessed and then not obsessed with finding a path at various stages of my life. My complicated childhood has acutely affected me in ways that I cannot begin to describe but I don't want to go there otherwise we might be here for a long time.

Now that the background is set, let's circle back to the title.

I thought that writing was my calling and that writing about something that I like would be my ticket to satisfaction. I recently started a Substack with the intent of writing what I like about and I somehow couldn't bring myself to do that. Because whatever I wrote was either:

1. An opinion I read somewhere

2. I saw someone else going viral with a topic

This stopped me in my tracks and it finally hit me that i have no original thoughts, no original observations, no original experiences. And even if I do, I don't know how to access them. My propensity to do what everyone else is doing comes from a very deep space within me that craves acceptance, which I never truly found in my relationships.

But the bigger issue is that I just can't seem to go back to who I was. I wanted to write because well I always have. And somehow I can't find myself being able to write the same way that I used to.

I look back to who I was/am and it doesn't make sense. My identity feels a stand in for someone who is an empty shell. It's like I exist but at the same time I don't. I don't want to work because all the choices I will make at this point would be that of this alternate identity that makes no sense anymore.

My entire life has come to a standstill. A point where I feel like I am utterly lost yet I am also somewhat myself, even if that's an empty shell.

I would love to hear from someone who has gone through or is going through something like this. I suppose this is my actual way of connecting with people, something that I can call my own.

I saw this...well, let's just say I sort of saw this one first: https://vimeo.com/1032986911

Then? Oh jesus. He just KEEPS RIGHT ON TALKING>? He doesn't stop. There's no...um...breathing? It looks Mr. Roboto Robotic. eerie?

Look:

https://vimeo.com/1033316694

he said he did 27 hours of recording in a 24 hour day and implied he was awake for 42 hours on that *same* day.

WTF just happened>?

I’m in a mood. Obviously, anyone in this community likely shares a similar vein of angst. I’d like to talk more freely and directly with some folks who are likeminded. I have a rather dark sense of humor, enjoy play on words, go through stages of the month where I truly doubt every single thing that makes me happy, or is part of my identity. I hate everyone, yet need to be loved and vocally appreciated often. My goodness, I’m in a mood. I’d love to have a discord group of people who share my issues, possess similar qualities that make us different and unique, and are interested in connecting intimately. (24, F)

I didn't ask anything and all of a sudden I am born in a world which I didn't choose and everyone expects me to do certain things and act a certain way (e.g. go to school, get a job, care for your neighbor, etc etc etc). But what if I don't want all of this? I often feel like I am not made for this world. Whether it be because of the rythm of life or the expectations which are put on me, I often feel like I don't belong. And all this puts an enormous toll on me. And I'm so tired of it all. What the heck imam I actually supposed to do about it all? (Also, sorry for my weird English, it's my second language)

https://rhulpsychology.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_bmEd2nwZ1DsW5U2

Calling for Participants for My Final Year Research Project! 🌟I am conducting a study exploring existential perception and their impact on depression and I would love for you to take part! 😊

✨ What’s involved?
Simply complete a few short questionnaires—this will take around 7 minutes of your time. Plus, by participating, you'll have the chance to win a £50 Amazon Voucher! 🎉 🤑 🤑

Eligibility:

You must be fluent in English
You must be 16 years or older

If you're interested, click the link below to participate or scan the QR code in the photo. 🧠

Feel free to share this with at least one person who might be interested; it would mean so much to me! 💖

Thank you for your support!

https://preview.redd.it/1oixmfwmnw2e1.png?width=960&format=png&auto=webp&s=f7cf2289d87cad036fc40a1692e4d1e32632fd54

Long story short; I (29M) had a terrible time at a new job this year, one thing led to the other and I discovered I in fact have ADHD. Which in turn led me down the rabbit hole of existentialism and a complete existential crisis, for some reason.

I suffered from depression, anhedonia, anxiety attacks entirely induced by compulsive existential rumination etc. I was a total dumpster fire and thought I would never get rid of the paralyzing realization of the meaninglessness of it all. Of the overwhelmingly creepy self awareness about my own consciousness. For almost all of this year.

But... For the past 3-4 weeks or so, it just vanished. I don't know why from a purely intellectual standpoint. I still recognize that life and conscioussness is so incredibly creepy and impossible to fathom. I still recognize that life is meaningless. I still have no sense of direction in life.

But at least I am happy and grounded again. I just don't know why, at all. I don't know exactly what I wish to say with this thread other than that solving one's existential crisis isn't necessarilly about finding ways to cope or think about it. It might just be the passage of time...

Don't be fooled by the title, I'm not posing here as my last words or anything, as that isn't what this feeling is about.

Warning, this could end up being a very long post, I'm sorry. I just need to get this out and see if there is anyone in the world that can relate to me. Maybe this post would be better suited for a "booktok" sub reddit of sorts, but I'm honestly not sure. I don't know where to start searching for people or even if I can accurately describe what I've been running from in my head my entire life.

Does anyone get the sense that you really, and I mean REALLY don't belong here? I mean this planet? This particular reality, or maybe dimension? To add context, I have always felt like the odd one out, in every setting, with my closest friends, with my family, my spouse. I love my life, but I never feel truly whole. I realize posting this is going to make me sound like such a "pick me", that's not my intent here. I don't want to come off that way, but if I do, then I guess I haven't reached the people that could relate to me. But I feel this deep in my soul.

I don't like starting a new book or TV show. Don't get me wrong, I usually love the book I read or show I watch. While in the middle of it, it makes me feel alive, but when it ends, when it's over this feeling rushes in that I normally have pushed as far away as I can get it. I try not to let myself think about it or feel like this ever. So I am so hesitant to read or watch new things. It's fantasy by the way. And not all fantasy, but a lot of it brings these feelings in. I don't think this is something a lot of people experience.

I have friends that read a lot or start one new show after another. Yeah, they might cry about a character or how moving the show was. But when it's over they don't go into an existential crisis or get depressed and withdrawn. I get in a noticeably bad mood. I withdraw and I have issues for days after. It's been this way my entire life, and when I was younger, I didn't understand it and it made me resentful of reading especially, so I actively tried to avoid reading. Now that I'm older, I honestly still don't understand it much, but I think I have a slight idea of what's going on?

I've heavily researched and watched interviews over the years, and tried to find people that understand this feeling. Honestly, I haven't had luck finding other people. But I have found some articles and interviews that could explain it? I found this one interview with an educated woman, and she was talking about the different type of souls. I believe she said something about earth based, angelic and interplanetary souls. The description of interplanetary stuck out to me.

I'm not sitting here trying to say that this is for sure the answer, but I'm also not saying that it's not. I don't know what else to think though, and it's very unlikely that I will ever get any answers in this life time. I just want to find people that understand me and maybe feel the same way. Even my spouse can't relate sadly. Last night we finished a show and I brought it up in a joking way, saying "if the next world I'm born into isn't more interesting than this one I'm going to ____ myself." and she said that the world we are in is most likely the best one. The calmest and easiest to live in. That if we were in a different reality it could be a lot more dangerous all the time.

I dropped the conversation because I honestly know that I can't get my point across. But to her points, I know that. I know that if I got what I wanted it would likely be a lot more dangerous than this. I would probably die a lot sooner in another life due to whatever else could be out there. I mean, aren't there infinite possibilities? I'm sure there are different animals, apocalyptic worlds, places where magic and powers actually exist. And I'm sure in reality, it's scary and dangerous.

I don't care. I don't know who will be able to relate, but I don't care. I feel like I'm supposed to be living a like like that. Fighting, surviving, whatever it is. I do not feel like I am supposed to be here. Can anyone relate? or am I just going to get a bunch of hate here get told I'm a pick me? Please be kind.

I love life, i am so grateful for living, and all the small joys it brings. i am so grateful to be here and be able to experience what life is…but forever creeping in the back of my mind is when it’s all over…how do humans cope with the fact that we’re all not going to experience it…??? possibly with some type of faith (which i have) but it doesn’t help me cope with this extreme dread of not being able to experience life. i’ve tried so many different ways to cope with this, but it’s always a debilitating anxiety i live with…HOW DO WE COPE???

please help me.recently i have been having increasing thoughts about death .im scared of just the fact that the voice in my head would just stop after i die it has become increasingly dificult for me to focus and i dont know what to do either to lock in or to live life i live alone with my mother and when i look at her i feel sad about the fact that she will die one day it has gotten increasingly more depressing i just want to forget this thought and just go back to how i was two days ago it literally started a day ago and now i am in no condition to even look at anyone.i just want to stop these voices in my head im 16 and this has become increasingly difficult for me please help me

And it’s warped my ever present sense of guilt to a philosophical and secular (I am non religious) conundrum.

Okay, so I’ve been having my own crisis 😭 and just to disclose, I have done shrooms before so I’m very much content with death and life and stuff. That’s not what’s bothering me. What’s bothering me is that I really NEED to know WHY are we human? And why us? In this time and day? I believe in reincarnation and that our energy transfers to another life form. But it’s like… where did the life come from? And why do we have to die? I’m just soooo deep in my head with these thoughts and I’d honestly like to please stop thinking like this. It’s obsessive and it gives me anxiety. I will never know. And then I get even more anxiety because I realize with the reincarnation means dying over and over again. I saw a movie on Netflix like a month or two ago, and the guy basically just keeps dying over and over again until he can get his mission perfectly correct. And for him, each death was something he had to mentally prepare himself for. Idk, and then I keep thinking if I’m having these thoughts, I’m probably going to die very very soon. 😭😭😭😭 I’m anxious asf even writing this but I’m okay, I just want to know if anyone has any advice? Even old tales that may provide me some type of comfort? And if anyone else has experienced THESE types of existential crises? 🤣 I’m just shook as hell idk

I’ve been a strong atheist most of my life, never once doubting my beliefs until now. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been afraid of death, fearing that after life there’s nothing — just eternal nothingness. But now, I want to believe in God, to believe that my spirit won’t end with my physical body. I want to believe that there’s somewhere joyful waiting for me after this life.

This fear of death has been overwhelming, leading to hundreds of panic attacks. It had eased for a while, but lately, thoughts of death and my future have come back, weighing heavily on my mind. I’m tired of being afraid; it’s taken a serious toll on my mental health. Earlier, I prayed to God, hoping to feel something, and now I find myself uncertain about what I believe.

On one hand, I still lack concrete evidence of God’s existence. On the other, the odds of my existence feel so incredibly small that it seems almost impossible — yet here I am. I’ve also been through experiences that make me wonder if a protective force was at work. When I was a toddler, I climbed a dresser with a heavy TV on it. The TV slid off, but a box caught it just in time, sparing me. It came so close that I was scratched on the forehead.

When I prayed, I felt a warm, comforting sensation, as if someone was listening. And beyond personal experiences, the universe itself seems perfectly tuned for life: if the size of protons, neutrons, or electrons were even slightly different, or if gravity were a bit weaker or stronger, life as we know it wouldn’t exist.

Despite all of this, I’m still on the fence and need more reassurance. I need to be convinced. If you could provide any support it would be greatly appreciated.

I apologise in advance since I understand this question must’ve been presented a hundred times here, but still I’m at a loss and I would appreciate any help or advice. I don’t know how to cope with this feeling of permenant dread in regards to my death. I feel like I’ve tried all the advice I’ve seen - work, distraction, medication, focusing on family/life etc, trying to accept the inevitable, therapy, self improvement, philosophy, I even tried religion. Nothing ever seems to help me.

It seems I can’t enjoy anything anymore, not even games or music or shows. I’m unable to focus on my exams and I can hardly sleep or eat properly, all because of these distressing thoughts. Even memories are ruined, because I acknowledge that they’re gone forever, and I realise how time slips away so fast. I also believe the thoughts are worsened from the fact that I’m turning 18 next week. I know 18 is young, but it also means my childhood is officially over, and that scares me. I’m not ready to be an adult. I don’t have any friends, romantic experience and barely any social skill. I’m terrible at school and I don’t have any real hobbies or goals. I can’t be an adult when I have literally nothing going for me. And what about when im older, what if i still don’t? I don’t want to grow up, it terrifies me. What if I have to live with this feeling forever? How do I stop these invasive thoughts? I want to be happy and oblivious, it feels like these thoughts are ruining my life. I don’t mean to be such a downer, but if anyone has any advice on how to supress or deal with these thoughts or feelings, i’d greatly appreciate it. I just truly dont know what to do.

I (30f) am virtually invisible in my everyday life. I have a fiancé that I have been with for 8 years, most of which have revolved around his needs and wants. I actively try communicating my need to feel seen/heard to no avail.

Outside of him, I have a few people who call themselves my friends, but unless they need help or assurances, I do not hear from them….including when I reach out.

Recently I realized that if I disappeared, it would be a very long time before anyone noticed, let alone asked after me or looked. Outside of this, it is very common for people in public settings to overlook or completely miss my presence. I’m virtually invisible. I don’t even have someone to call to tell this to.

So the question is, is it even worth it?

It’s the tree falling in the woods dilemma - If there’s no one to care about my existence, does it even matter?

Why am I going to work, paying bills, hemorrhaging whatever hope I have left in me.

Hey everyone. This is a thought I had today. Where do I even begin. Gay, born in a homophobic country, escaped, ADHD, probably Schizoid or at the very least strong Schizoid tendencies(imagine anhedonia being a personality trait, imagine emotions feeling flat and insignificant) and I've been passively suicidal for the last year. Today I realized how much my suicidality does for me. With my Schizoid thing, I live in a world that doesn't have the ability to satisfy me, yet despite that it demands so much. It demands that I protect myself against the elements, that I can afford medication, that I can afford food.... I am giving so much effort to live in a world that will never do anything for me.

This year I've noticed this paradox of my mental health getting better the more I give up on life, the more convinced I become that life is the problem. And I realized it's because when you're suicidal, your focus is much narrower. I don't think about what's gonna happen tomorrow, i can ignore all the shit around me much easier... It's honestly very peaceful

Every thought I feel is worthy of going over twice I like to imagine it being read by those I admire and them giving me the validation and that all this means something and that I’m not just lying to myself that I know shit. I also imagine people who are not able to comprehend and come up with the same ideas as me admire me and give me respect they never did. Maybe I’m just a narcissist and wasting my life on the hope I’m actually special but I guess time will tell. I also imagine those who did me wrong and hurt me see themselves in my angry and bitter words and feel enraged and embarrassed that they know it’s about them but yet I’m above it all and it’s all just my past. I like to hide in past and future because realistically the only thing I have is now and now fucking sucks. All the memories I go back to are just that, memories, but I didn’t know I was making them when they were my present nor did they feel like something worth remembering or feeling nostalgic about. Now doesn’t feel like a memory either but it might be. Maybe things just get worse and this feels like a state of peace. But I actually gave up on peace a long time ago, as long as my mind can think I will never be at peace. The present sucks but the only thing I have is hope of a better future because sadly I cannot live in the past. But I have a harrowing feeling that future is just another state of longing for something better. That I’m going to remember this period and feel nostalgic for it. And then after that has passed I will miss it and wish I had got more out of it. I hope the people I worship as Gods one day see me as one of them. Their voices comment on every single thought I have in my head. I hear them telling me how I’m actually doing well and that there is hope for me. I see them looking at me with as much of a lovestruck look as I do at them. That not only is my mind brilliant but my body an altar worth bowing down to. I fear they will one day get to see me and toss me away like the rest of us mortals. Just another fool who thought she was worthy of the throne and making a change. Lol sorry if I started to act all poetic and shit

Every thought I feel is worthy of going over twice I like to imagine it being read by those I admire and them giving me the validation and that all this means something and that I’m not just lying to myself that I know shit. I also imagine people who are not able to comprehend and come up with the same ideas as me admire me and give me respect they never did. Maybe I’m just a narcissist and wasting my life on the hope I’m actually special but I guess time will tell. I also imagine those who did me wrong and hurt me see themselves in my angry and bitter words and feel enraged and embarrassed that they know it’s about them but yet I’m above it all and it’s all just my past. I like to hide in past and future because realistically the only thing I have is now and now fucking sucks. All the memories I go back to are just that, memories, but I didn’t know I was making them when they were my present nor did they feel like something worth remembering or feeling nostalgic about. Now doesn’t feel like a memory either but it might be. Maybe things just get worse and this feels like a state of peace. But I actually gave up on peace a long time ago, as long as my mind can think I will never be at peace. The present sucks but the only thing I have is hope of a better future because sadly I cannot live in the past. But I have a harrowing feeling that future is just another state of longing for something better. That I’m going to remember this period and feel nostalgic for it. And then after that has passed I will miss it and wish I had got more out of it. I hope the people I worship as Gods one day see me as one of them. Their voices comment on every single thought I have in my head. I hear them telling me how I’m actually doing well and that there is hope for me. I see them looking at me with as much of a lovestruck look as I do at them. That not only is my mind brilliant but my body an altar worth bowing down to. I fear they will one day get to see me and toss me away like the rest of us mortals. Just another fool who thought she was worthy of the throne and making a change. Lol sorry if I started to act all poetic and shit

Every thought I feel is worthy of going over twice I like to imagine it being read by those I admire and them giving me the validation and that all this means something and that I’m not just lying to myself that I know shit. I also imagine people who are not able to comprehend and come up with the same ideas as me admire me and give me respect they never did. Maybe I’m just a narcissist and wasting my life on the hope I’m actually special but I guess time will tell. I also imagine those who did me wrong and hurt me see themselves in my angry and bitter words and feel enraged and embarrassed that they know it’s about them but yet I’m above it all and it’s all just my past. I like to hide in past and future because realistically the only thing I have is now and now fucking sucks. All the memories I go back to are just that, memories, but I didn’t know I was making them when they were my present nor did they feel like something worth remembering or feeling nostalgic about. Now doesn’t feel like a memory either but it might be. Maybe things just get worse and this feels like a state of peace. But I actually gave up on peace a long time ago, as long as my mind can think I will never be at peace. The present sucks but the only thing I have is hope of a better future because sadly I cannot live in the past. But I have a harrowing feeling that future is just another state of longing for something better. That I’m going to remember this period and feel nostalgic for it. And then after that has passed I will miss it and wish I had got more out of it. I hope the people I worship as Gods one day see me as one of them. Their voices comment on every single thought I have in my head. I hear them telling me how I’m actually doing well and that there is hope for me. I see them looking at me with as much of a lovestruck look as I do at them. That not only is my mind brilliant but my body an altar worth bowing down to. I fear they will one day get to see me and toss me away like the rest of us mortals. Just another fool who thought she was worthy of the throne and making a change. Lol sorry if I started to act all poetic and shit

What's the point of dealing with the suffering in life when everything is going to end anyway. We will all die and be forgotten so why carry on when life is so hard

I have been dealing with panic attacks about something so obscure and confusing I don't even really know how to explain it. It's like a fear that I am ME. See it's really confusing. It's like I exist, and I am trapped in my own conscience and I can't do anything about that, and that scares me. Then for days, weeks even months after a panic attack I will spiral into a state where I'm hyperaware of my existence and my thoughts and I'm really focused on NOT having those thoughts again which makes them worse. Nobody in my life understands and makes me feel stupid because I will have really bad panic attacks about it and even I feel really stupid all the time because I don't even understand it. Can anyone help me here? I feel like I'm going crazy.