I'm a typical brown girl I was raised in the states and as much as I love my culture there are some terrible pitfalls. I love my boyfriend he's not my culture and my parents are claiming they will cut ties with me if I marry him. I'm losing my mind over this cuz they want me to pick them or him. This is a stupid choice. They're of the mindset that if you care for us you won't do anything that would hurt us (like marry someone we don't like/date people/keep contact with people we don't like). They think every decision that we make that they don't like or approve and therefore hurts them means we dont care for them. They said they will not attend the wedding and that will be theast day they will be in contact with me. My mom has told me I'm being selfish for taking my kids grandparents away from them. It's been a lot of emotional blackmail and I'm at my wits end. To make matters worse they want me to get to know(marry?) this rishta that they've been talking to. I've told them to cut it off multiple times but my mom is obsessed with the fact that that guy has an IT job and education meanwhile my bf is still in school but makes about as much as I do. I'm not 100% on him for the rest of my life yet. I love him but we do view things differently from time to time. I enjoy my time with him but we're kind of opposites. This is a huge decision on me to either pick him or my parents and he doesn't want me to pick between them but rather go with my parents. We've been getting to know each other for the past year and a half but half of that has been chaos between what my parents want and how they talked to him and they didn't like him (I feel it's because they can't bully him as if he's their child like they can do to me). He stands his ground and he's willing to take on challenges/conditions but they don't even want to give him the stage. My mom keeps saying if Ive decided on him then go and I ask her if she'll be at the wedding and she says no why do I need her if I've decided to hurt her. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄. That is beyond stupid and frustrating as if me choosing my happiness is inversely proportional to her happiness. I feel she's a control freak and has made me like her in some ways too. She keeps asking me how much more time I need to make a final decision (of marrying him or not). I can't be making these decisions under all this pressure and don't want to make the wrong decision. I'm scared and under immense pressure, so much so that most days I go to sleep hoping I don't wake up. My parents have hurled all kinds of insults at me and been hostile towards him to his face and behind his back to me. My parents keep saying "if you love and care for us then don't go with him". Wtf as if marriage wasn't already a big decision now I have losing them on my conscience. Me and my bf think they might be bluffing but I can't risk the choice that they aren't. My mom already has an exit strategy of what she'll tell others. She's so embarrassed of what others will say and how I'll be the reason for their embarrassment. She'll just tell everyone I got transferred for work. I'm so tired of the BS. I have never felt close to my parents and that's another regret I have. They're aging, I'm 28 we don't have so much time left together to be wasting. We don't have a close relationship like most mother daughter duos. We live in the same house and I avoid staying with them too long so that they won't start any convos about the topic with me. Sorry for the long rant. I'm just distraught and can't think straight. Has anyone been in this situation or have any advice?

Do any of these count as cultural appropriation?

• A Gujarati girl performing Bharatnatyam.
• A Tamil girl performing Garba.
• A non Telugu woman teaching Kuchipudi.
• A Punjabi food blogger posting recipe of a Marathi dish(say Pav Bhaji).

Indian ladies, what are we wearing to be fashionable yet modest?

I am an Indian born and raised in the west, now 32. I have never set foot in India, but I’m going with my father on a business trip with our company to Hyderabad. (FWIW, we are Hindu and Malayali). What do I wear to make sure I’m modest, but also fashionable? For work, for dinner, out and about? I have a pretty decent collection of sari, salwaar, lehenga, etc. Plus all the normal western clothes. Do I mix and match? Stay traditional? What about by the hotel pool—is a one piece swimsuit okay? Help!

Hey! Just got married like a month back and spent some time in India before I went back to states. I had few instances where my mil is suggesting (in a way I can’t say no) for me what to wear. I wore indian suits but while I was there she kept on saying i should wear saree which I did for 1 day. In terms of jewellery or anything small like handbags, she is always saying I should wear what she got (again in a way I can’t say no). I would obviously wear everything but I just don’t want to be told .. lol and I feel one time is fine but not like always. Now that I am back to states, while talking on phone, again she repeated about me wearing a saree or taking her bag again in way that seems like someone is pressing me. And when i didn’t wear a saree because I was going to be out the whole day but took her purse, she put a message ‘you didn’t wear saree’. This is bothersome to me because I have had people who’ve pushed me in the past. I jut got married and I know what to wear and I feel only my husband can tell me what I should wear like how partners usually tell each other sometimes.. Maybe i am thinking too much but it does make me feel stressed .. maybe just her way .. idk. And I know these things are small but I just want to tackle it now. I know it’s not intentional or with any bad intention and I wouldn’t like to hurt her either. But I just don’t feel good about it. Should I just ignore it or any suggestions on how I can handle this?

I have a fear my mom got me too dependent on her and I want to learn to be independent on my own. I’m tinkering with moving out of state. If you did this before how did it go and was it worth it?

The guy I like is an indie actor, kinky one at that, Jaat no less. But too shy to approach directly. He says that I need to learn how to seduce him, words are his weakness. Any tips that might help? Can’t and won’t go overboard with nudity, but really want to test the boundaries. Help please!

Hey Everyone,

I had a question regarding mental health. Did anyone here ever experience executive dysfunction?

Women are typically less likely to be diagnosed with mental health conditions affecting executive functioning than men and in brown communities, the chances of having undiagnosed developmental disabilities are even higher for girls and women.

I have been experiencing executive dysfunction for a while now, and I thought it would be helpful to see if anyone else here has gone through the same thing.

Thank you for reading.

The show’s female lead is Ambika Mod. I watched the 2011 film but I think I liked the show better. It was beautiful and heartbreaking.

I want to travel around Rajasthan for 1.5 weeks on my own (or with a friend) this fall, but I'm not sure how doable (read: safe) that is, especially as a brown woman born and raised in North America.

Have any of you ever done something similar? Any tips/tricks/thoughts/suggestions are welcome.

Hello fellow Desi women!
I'm an American Born Desi, in my mid 20's and residing in Boston, MA. I've struggled with dating & relationships for the past 10 years, and I'm writing this post in the hopes I'll receive some valuable advice/guidance from Desi/Brown women.

Namely, how do I become desirable or attractive to you? I completely recognize that brown/desi women cannot be generalized into some monolithic archetype, but I do feel certain patterns, trends, or commonalities exist within the desi/brown community which I should be aware of.

I have asked my extended family and family friends to introduce me to brown/desi women, but none have been suggested. I've been swiping right non-stop for about a month on Dil Mil, Mirchi, and Tinder but no matches. I don't have that many female brown/desi friends (I have maybe 2), and they are trying to help me (thank God for them) but there's not much they can do.

So, I'm going to very open and up-front and ask y'all for some advice/guidance regarding the following:

1. What should I strive to do or become so that brown/desi women desire me? I will continue to work on myself physically and aesthetically, but obviously there are certain limits as to what is possible.

2. What is there a hook-up scene for American Brown/Desi women? To be clear, I'm asking for information/education. I'm not judging any woman for participating in the hook-up scene nor do I condone any aspects of non-consent/sexual violation which have unfortunately been habituated within the mainstream US college party lifestyle.

3. How do I, as a mid 20's male, engage with the Desi/Brown hook-up scene? I'm not asking for anyone to hold my hand, but rather to expose me to its realities and how I might participate with it.

I have zero intentions of misbehaving or mistreating anyone. I simply want to enjoy time (perhaps even fun, sexy times) with brown/desi women who are willing to do so with me. And if there are actions or behaviors I should implement towards that, please do enlighten me.

Thank you in advance!

​

Im unsure how else to put this, but I’ve grown to resent my own culture and family. It seems anything that has ever brought me happiness and freedom in life, my culture and family finds a way to invade into that part of my life and control it.

Everything from the way I dress, talk, laugh, interact with the world, hobbies, career, education, and more- they nitpick and criticize every little thing. I don’t get to be a person and live my life without them trying to invade into it. They guilt-trip, shame, ridicule, and pressure anytime I make a choice that does not match up with what they agree with.

My family already has a script planned for my life, similar to the experience other Indians have too. A script that includes choosing who I marry, when I marry, what house I buy, where I live, where I work, etc all the way to more trivial aspects of my life (hair, clothes, hobbies, food, social customs, what time I should go outside, etc). They have this plan to move in with me after marriage too, where they will obviously continue to try and control my life further.

I’ve grown to resent how controlling my culture can be towards women. I’ve had so many negative experiences that I don’t care about the good parts anymore.

I’m looking for funky and bright inspired art. Think dancers with a rajasthani backdrop, elephants, cows, bharatnatyam dancers, etc. Something within the $100 range preferably. This is for our temporary apartment, to hang over the bar cart- something that could be a conversational piece. Any leads would be helpful!

From the US (desi girl born in America) and my dad is planning on going to India in a month or two months. What can I ask him to bring from there that would be of value and/or be more cost effective vs products from the US?

I am really struggling with this and hoping I can get some input from y’all. I had a tough childhood. I always knew that. What I didn’t fully accept was that my teenage years and 20s were tough too. I was treated very differently than the rest of my family and pretty much just used. At the same time I believe people love me but they don’t see where they went wrong and even if I try to explain my perspective I just get gaslighted so there’s no point. My 30s I was in a relationship that was borderline abusive and really fucked with me mentally. I don’t have any children.

Now in my 40s I am estranged from everyone. I live in a different country all by myself. Ever since my ex left I am more consumed by the thought of death. Not in the sense of suicide but as in what’ll happen to me. I spend hours contemplating what to write in my will. My emotions are all over the place so there are days when I decide to leave whatever I have to them but then there are times when I want to leave them nothing. There’s also the worry that who’ll come take care of my stuff? Who’ll go through it all and decide what to keep and what to throw away. What will they think of when they see my sex toys. This was something I didn’t have to worry about when I was with my ex.

I also worry about what’ll happen to me as I get older. I try dating but my heart isn’t in it. It feels like a chore and I just seem to dislike everyone. If I like them I feel that I’m not good enough for them or that they aren’t serious enough or they’re too serious.

How do I make peace with the fact that I am all alone in this world? How do I accept the uncertainty of the future? If you’re someone who lives alone and has a family that’s not on the same wavelength please tell me how you do it.

Thanks in advance!

So few months ago she was bawling her eyes out to her family saying “I don’t want to have another kid, I’m already so exhausted with the other 2 I have (they’re 3 & 1). But my husband won’t stop pestering me about it. He has asked you guys to pray for a 3rd grand-child to be here asap. He says if his mother can do it, then I can too.” Is she supposed to be an extension of his mother??????? This mama’s boys are no good I swear. Just go & marry your mother you swine. This is soo fucking disgusting. Her husband doesn’t give a fuck about her physical or emotional well-being when she’s so distraught. He’s treating her as some breeding mule. & the worst part is he lives in another country, visits her once or twice a year, impregnates her & leaves. They’ve been married four years. He wasn’t there for her first & second pregnancies & child-births. I remember her being so nervous & overwhelmed each time. If he’s not even interested in being an active parent, why the hell does he want her to keep pumping out kids?

Hi, I am not SE Asian but because my partner is, much of my wardrobe is desi outfits such as shalwar kameez, lawn suits, etc. I recently purchased a really beautiful Pakistani winter suit from the resale site Mercari. The seller told me it was made of a fabric called “Dhanak.” After a few days, I hand washed it in cold water the same way I wash all my silks, woolens, and delicate cottons, but to my horror, after it air dried it shrunk a full size! So far I have been unsuccessful at finding any information online as to how to care for Dhanak fabric and whether there is any way I could relax and un-shrink the fabric to its original size. Does anyone have any experience with this type of fabric? Thanks in advance!