...and I'm going to spend it cleaning, cooking, shopping, and not enjoying a second of it.

I've been a caregiver for my entire adult life so far, since I was 18. I turn 24 today, and I have no social skills, no concept of adult life, and no idea how to go out and have fun because I never have. I've taken on every responsibility, from changing diapers to setting appointments, and I'm so tired. I used to love what I did. I used to be happy. I used to care. The house may have been a bit messy but things got done. I made meals with love and we ate together every night.

Now there's so much clutter it's hard to move, I wash 2 dishes every day so we can both eat, trash piles on the counter, everything is a mess. She deserves so much better, she always has, I've never been a good daughter. She says I am but she doesn't have anyone else. I dont believe her. A good daughter wouldn't have these issues. A good daughter would come home from work, cook, clean, make sure she's okay, and spend time with her.

All I do is work and I'm so scared that everything will drop out from under me again. I want to put her in care for her own good but I'll feel so bad and honestly wouldn't know what to do. We have plans, she says she wants to do this and that when she's better. She's never better. Nothing is ever better. When we have money we'll do this. When she's stronger we'll do that. It never happens.

Is this the rest of my life? Will I ever have a life? I've never even held hands with anyone. I've never hugged anyone that wasn't family. Will I ever? Will I be her age still taking care of her? Living with her? I love her to death but I'm so sad the life I dreamed of will never be. I wanted to own a business, live on a small plot with animals and grow my own fruits and vegetables. It was never supposed to be like this.

We moved out of my dad's house and then she was paralyzed. That's when my life ended, even though I tried to pretend it hadn't and that I could have balance. It won't happen and I can't cope. I don't have friends, I don't have things to do, I can't relate to anyone. "I went and did such and such thing on my days off!" I'm happy for my coworkers when they're happy but I don't want to know about your wife, your fun plans, vacation ideas .. it'll never happen for me. My partner and I have talked about kids (he's long distance, only a couple states away) but it'll never happen. We talk about living together, me cooking for him, him helping me with art, me teaching him how to do some craft or recipe or whatever and it started depressing me even more.

I'm so sleepy. I'm weary. I'm in pain. I'm a year older.

I recently brought Gramma home from the nursing home. While she was there, she was dealing with what looked like dementia. She kept asking me about her parents and her kids and talking about the train. I even had the nurses coaching me on what to do with dementia. The doctor she had refused to diagnose her with that.

Now that I've got her home, she's so coherent. The first day she thought I was my mom. She keeps getting my name mixed up with my mom's. But beyond that and some memory slips, like wrong words or the occasional question about where momma (dead) is, she is fine. I brought had home on the first of May. We went out and got haircuts and went by the bank even! But she kinda forgot how banks work and gave me a blank check to pull money out in her name and I'm pretty certain I can't do that.

So like, is that normal? I doesn't seem to be a final burst of energy cuz it's been days. She had c diff (dif?) in the hospital so I dunno if that contributed to it. But like clockwork, every day for like four months, she would start losing her memory at about 11:30am/12pm. She had good days and bad days. She's had a stroke before. I dunno if that's important. But like is that normal? Is she gonna stay this way? How long is she gonna be like this?

I care for my 91 yr old grandma, the benefit is I have somewhere to live rent free? And I get benefits, like £400 a month.

She's recently had a UTI which has been so hard to treat, like 4 rounds of antibiotics from GPs that dont understand, and it makes her delirious, like so hard for me to deal with on my own delirious.

I get help from my mum but I live here, I'm on call 24/7.

Every time I get a night off I get fucked. And it's such a waste. Doesn't make me feel good. Just in the moment I'm so desperate for a tiny bit of escape

Hi everyone, I have lurked and replied to a few questions of others in my short time here and now I have a question of my own.

My father is dealing with end-stage osteoarthritis...I am his primary caregiver (his son) along with his wife, however since he was officially diagnosed in Jan 2023, they, as a couple, have fallen deeper and deeper into debt as the months have gone by. Currently, he has been bedridden for going on 2 years, uses a catheter and is in need of hip and knee surgery if he is ever able to walk again. All of which he cannot afford, even with help from Medicare.

The problem, in the midst of all of this, my father has dealt with depression (something he has had all of his life) and I believe it is leading to some faulty financial decisions. His mind IS still sharp, but he is stubborn, and will not allow me to go over his finances with him to find areas where money can be saved. His wife is Korean and speaks broken English - and before he was diagnosed, he handled everything in regards to bills. To help them out, I have taken care of side utilities such as cable, lawn service and on occasion, the car note when they have had trouble. However, this past week, he called me, during my work day, saying that the water was about to be turned off to the house that day and he needed my help again. Everyone has a breaking point, and that was mine - things have gone from me helping here and there to he and his wife DEPENDING on me to contribute to a household that is not mine (and then not letting me have a say in how they handle their finances). I also have a mortgage and household of my own.

On top of this, my father has neglected his hygiene (brushes his teeth only once per week - when I see him) and has stopped doing exercises in his bed to keep his blood flowing, which has started to lead to some swelling in his legs. I would feel better about this situation if he was giving 150 percent and working with me as a "team" to deal with his finances - but it almost feels like he wants to give up, even knowing I am doing so much. How can you help someone who does not seem to care, but just goes through the motions?

In short, I am helping where I can, but I am tired of him not taking my advice, neglecting things he should be doing and on top of that, I am dealing with a wife that I feel might leave him soon. After an arguement they had last week, she said that I could now take care of him full-time and she is looking to leave the house and stay with a friend until she finds another place to live. She has not followed up on that threat - but that would upend everything.

I am contributing large amounts of money to help my father just pay the bills, yet I have no control over this situation. His health will deteriorate as long as he is bedridden, and am wondering if APS is an avenue I need to consider to get him the proper help he needs in regards to his needed surgery and getting his finances under control. He has alienated most of his family - so I have no help in this. Neighbors who have known him for years, and whom I trust, also feel that I should call APS - if for no other reason than to see if they can offer any solutions and give me a breather.

If anyone has any input, I would appreciate it. I feel like I am just giving away money to him (and his wife) at this point and as an educator, who is not paid big bucks, it has put me in a position where I don't have savings for myself now... a secondary concern. But moreso than that, they are not taking my advice and it is stressing me out to the point of migraines. Trying to find an outside option before they fall deeper into a hole.

I just found and joined this subreddit so I first want to thank everyone for providing this space and for any help they provide, to me or elsewhere in this sub.

tl;dr: I am paid part time by the state to be the live-in care aid to my mother. My client has such features as narcissistic traits, severe codependency issues, active addictions, and a deteriorating physical and mental state (multiple severe, chronic conditions; memory lapses, aggressive and defensive behaviors) and she refuses to seek treatment for her mental health. My mother has always put her emotional regulation on me and has been consistently and willfully negligent in respecting boundaries. I have felt parentified by her as far back as I have memories. I am in therapy to treat cPTSD from traumas beginning in early childhood (dad gets a lot of blame here too, ftr) and also now require ongoing therapies for fibromyalgia. I asked my sister and aunt for help repeatedly after my brother tragically died but was unsatisfied with the pittance I received. I feel burnt out, taken advantage of, exhausted. My mother is miserable to be around and so no one ever chooses to be around her. She's not had but two visitors in months, an old beau visited once for tea and stayed for an hour. The other is her sister and I could count the hours we see her in a month on one hand. My sister is never here. My mother is lonely and she just wanted to have her family visit for Mother's Day. I was a bitch. Apologies have been exchanged but I am not satisfied because it feels like nothing ever changes.

How do I do better when dealing with my mother? And how do I feel better about it always being my responsibility to do better? How do I get out of here (i.e. get to full-time employment such that I could support myself and my cats) without feeling better? (Because I need to be able to get out of here now.)

The full story, for those with time I thank you for reading. It's separated because it is, on some level, just venting. I don't see my therapist until Thursday and I have already overburdened my closest friend recently. I need more friends. Just typing this out was tremendously helpful in processing so journaling is a good thing for me to add to my list of activities.

Background: I am my mother's live in care aid. Before, I was live in care aid to my mother and grandmother. Before that, my mother was live in care aid to my grandmother. My mother, like me, made poor life choices and had to move back in to (grand)ma's mobile home in the retirement village. She blew through hundreds of thousands of my grandma's dollars before I got here. I took advantage for a while but I don't spend quite so bad as my mother. I am now paid part time but I have only qualified for one whole month and I have not yet been fully paid for that month. I am working on improving my employment situation but I fully admit I need to do more. Additionally, my aunt used to take my grandma out on drives regularly to (1) get her out of the house, (2) to spend time with her mom, and (3) to give her sister (my mom) a break for a couple hours. My family hasn't really come over much at all since grandma passed (my mother's hospital visits and appointment visits don't count, funereal things don't count, holidays don't count). My only breaks have been my stay-cations (the periods where my mother has been hospitalized for several nights) during which I am monitored by my aunt and sister to check that I regularly visit my mother. They don't speak to me, of course. They ask her when I visit and how long I stay. My mother is always really talkative and forthcoming with information she thinks will cause drama when she's high (or drunk).

Personal issue which intensifies my emotions: My grandma died in July, my brother died in December. Last mother's day I did a big thing. (You can't imagine how grateful I am to have these memories. I wish someone had taken photos but that whine is another story.) I made a bunch of stuff for street tacos but was running behind day of. So it ended up being me, my brother, and my sister in the kitchen cooking together. The three of us were so amazing to watch in the kitchen. We had this sense about each other, an intuition. We clashed so often in so many ways but in the kitchen you could see we were family, really family. It was the first time we were together like that again since my brother and I had come back from some addiction issues. So it's my only real memory of us like that (I don't remember my childhood well). And now it will always be the only one. So I'm having a really hard time dealing with tomorrow.

Whining: It's also been a really long week. I have been far too busy and pushing myself too much (like going to the gym even when I'm tired). I have been sleeping too much and feeling week and sore so I needed to rest today. I told my mom yesterday that I was exhausted and would need to rest today. I had to check on her late because she was throwing up (I was up anyway because of the aurora but I'm glad I was to check on her). So there's no surprise here that I'm tired and ornery. I had also woken up to texts from my sister and my aunt both inquiring, the day before, about plans for Mother's Day. My sister's text really knocked it out of the park: "I guess I should come visit Mom tomorrow since it's Mother's Day".

The actual story: My mother comes out this afternoon and sits in a chair while I'm in the bathroom. I come out, ask her "what's up?" She begins by saying that I should take her for a drive to get her out of the house. She then continues that she wants to do something for Mother's Day, to have her family over. I tell her about the texts I had received and that I was not happy to be expected to be the point person on this. I tell her that I do everything for her. I tell her that if they want to celebrate her for Mother's Day then they can take the lead. I will show up with a smile on my face but I will not plan, I will not provide, I will not do anything. I need today to rest and I told you that. (I know that I am rude and harsh with her. I am working on how I speak to my mother. It is better when I'm not pouring from an empty cup. I can't get help if I'm not honest so please be understanding to me in a way that I struggle to be to her.) She says that she always had to do without for her mother when she was in my position. I say that I always said I would not be like she was with her mom. She says can you at least take care of [the laundry that is on the corner sofa no one sits on or looks at]. I am stupefied. Aghast. But I stay calm. I say no, I will not. I am going to do what I want today because I need to rest. And that doesn't include laundry. (I was absolutely going to do the laundry today but I hate that. She always fucking does that, reminds me of chores. And we have had that conversation so many times. Still, this is another area I need to address.) I then remind her that I'm exhausted and not ready to have serious conversations right now. She then starts on about finances and how ours are bad. How we're hemorrhaging money. She says she's "open to ideas" (I resist the urge to scream in her face WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS! I SAY I DON'T WANT TO SERIOUS TALK RIGHT NOW SO YOU BRING UP THE FUCKING MONEY? I KNOW WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT BUT YOU ONLY EVER BRING IT UP WHEN I'M ASKING YOU TO STOP WITH HARD STUFF!?!) I say that that is too open ended, it's not fair to come and ask me to do all the brain work on such an intimidating task. (Problem: Yes it is. It is absolutely my job and I need to start working on answers to these questions.) I say again that I need rest, that I am exhausted, and that she has come out to unload her stress on me but doesn't offer anything productive. (A comment which was even less productive, I see that.) She then starts yelling that I always do this, I always put everything on her, everything is always her fault (she's storming out of the room by now)... (door slams)

Some time later, I went to check on her. I told her that I had not been considerate of this being her first Mother's Day without her mom. I reminded her of how painful the loss of my brother now feels to me on Mother's Day. We each said we were sorry.

How do I do better in the moment? My mother is not going to change, she's just going to get worse. And I somehow need to get my head out of my ass and get back to work. But my doctors all say I need to go slow because of my conditions. But the time is running out. I need to get better faster. I'm medicated (taking legitimate scripts as scribed). I'm meditating. I'm yogaing. I'm exercising. I'm getting sleep. I drink enough water. My diet could be better but I don't drink alcohol. I do smoke weed to help with the chronic pain (and I acknowledge that this has real side effects). I have professional support. I still need help. Thank you for any insight or advice you can offer.

We recently moved my grandmother in with us. She has been bound to a lift chair for the past several years and is wanting to try a bed.

A hospital type bed is out of the question for the foreseeable future, as her insurance won’t pay for it. I’ve looked into renting an adjustable frame, but they require a foam mattress, which I don’t think will work very well for her

I was wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and if there were any suggestions :)

I was standing in the kitchen, groceries piled on the counters needing to be unloaded and a sink full of a week's worth of dishes that I had been too tired to wash after 10 - 12 hour days at work. I had started chopping the ingredients for a stew, had dishes soaking so I could wash them, and the refrigerator open as I threw out spoilage and reorganized to make room for the items waiting in their bags. I hadn't showered, my body was sore from too much physical activity and not enough recovery time, and I was struggling against the urge to crawl back into bed. She came in pushing her walker and stating the obvious, "Oh, you got groceries". Too exhausted I didn't reply. She prepared her coffee and started slowly scooting back to her room with the cup placed on the seat when she stopped. "You do a good job. All the cooking and cleaning you do. And taking care of my cat. You don't know how much I appreciate you. I really appreciate all you do for me". She continued to scoot along as I stood there with soapy hands crying. I continued to wash dishes and continued to cry. To be acknowledged was such an overwhelming feeling that I didn't know what to do with it. It was as if her kind words were a key that release so much tension, resentment, and tiredness. It took me at least half an hour to regain my composure. It is astounding how just a few kind words can reset us to be able to continue.

Can anyone recommend a source for non-slip mats to be used by the bed and by chairs? Dad uses a walker with 4 wheels, and rugs are a tripping hazard. Something like the non-slip part of the bottom of a bathroom rug would maybe be good.

I am just about drowning in stress at the moment. I am going to try to write this out, because it isn't getting better, and I have to figure out a way to come to terms with this.

One LONG, LONG story cut short, here is the gist:

When I was 12, my dad had a horrible work accident. He has a severe traumatic brain injury, broke his pelvis, and destroyed his back. Before my dad got hurt, he ran a multi-million dollar business and we lived very comfortably.

My dad has always been an asshole though, even from before his accident. He cheated on my mom, got involved with drug dealers, and was (still is) an all around selfish person. Had my dad not gotten hurt I think he would have walked out of our lives and never looked back.

But he did get hurt, and it changed everything.

My dad developed severe paranoid shchizophrenia. He couldn't control his emotions, has a horrible memory and struggles to understand anything remotely complicated. He is in constant pain, and walks almost at a 90 degree angle.

My mom tried to hold us together. We would have been okay, but my dad took every dime we had to the point my mom had to desperately sell the house before we lost it.

We went our seperate ways. My sister and I, not for the first times in our life, threw our important belongings in trash bags and moved in with our aunt. My dad was miserable.

He didn't have anyone. He couldn't take care of himself. He couldn't manage his bills. He couldn't keep his apartment sanitary. He didn't have food. He kept calling my mom whom he divorced, for help. Because he has NO ONE.

My mom saw the situation, and because she isn't heartless, she tried to help him again. And I, the always dutiful daughter, agreed to help her every step of the way. She couldn't do it on her own, but we thought we could do it together.

Its been hard. I don't think I have to tell any of you how hard it has been. But we are at the end of the road, and I am PANICKED. Absolutely panicked.

We have guardianship and conservatorship of my dad. Whenever he doesn't get his way he threatens to call the courts and get his guardianship back. It completely destabilizes our lives and puts our home at risk, since we can't afford this without his portion contributing.

He has started all of this AGAIN, at the worst possible time. We can't afford another house. We can't afford to rent. He is lighting it all on fire because we had to take his car away from him, after he was sneaking out to drink and drive. He flipped his car and should be dead.

It doesn't matter that he caused this situation. We took his car, and how DARE we!

It doesn't matter that his attorney has explained to him what will happen. He has no other family. Once he removes us as guardians, the state will step in and that will be that. He will be put in a home. The workmans comp insurance will cut off all of his benefits. (This has been a 15 year long legal battle. We have a court order that they regularly ignore, the best attorney in the state, and none of it matters.)

Basically he is going to lose everything. We are going to lose our home. I am married, we have children.

I can't do this anymore. It doesn't matter that he is going to end up killing himself. I can't continue to sacrifice my families well being trying to save someone who is choosing to drown.

I hate this. I hate that I have thoughts about if he was dead how much easier life would be.

I hate that I care about him. He is my dad, and he is awful. He has said awful, awful things to me. He is the biggest stress and strain of our marriage. I have an amazing husband. I have amazing children. Life should be grand.

I want to be done more than anything. I want to move on. Lucky me, I don't think I have a choice to do anything but move on anymore.

But I feel sick. Physically sick. My shoulders burn from stress. I can't sleep. I've lost a lot of weight.

I had a panic attack yesterday.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate that I put my family in this position. I hate that I am the same scared little girl I was 15 years ago, worried about the same shit.

He has destroyed himself and every relationship he has. Do I feel sorry for him? Very much so. He was abused as a kid and raised in a fucking cult.

Why do I care about someone who doesn't think twice before setting my life on fire? It's not like it even matters. I can't reverse time. There is no solution here.

I don't have it in me to sit around and watch him kill himself. I will likely have to walk away completely and leave him to rot in a home.

He has already tried to beg me for help. Help him fix this, and I can't. I can't keep asking my husband to do this. He treats my mom horribly, and she deserves some peace in her life. This has been a cycle of impending disaster that we have managed to hold off for 15 years.

But this is the end, and I am scared.

Has anyone done a successful second level appeal through kepro for a snf discharge? If so, what things did you mention? I can submit a statement for consideration and wondering what to add...

I (F22) am taking care of the last person in my dads immediate family (including my dad, we lost him nearly two years ago). My grandma got an infection in her neck after finding out she beat cancer and is suffering from sepsis from the infection. Shes so dazed and confused she calls me by my fathers name and she wont take antibiotics. I understand and will not force antibiotics on her, but i wish she would take her pain medicine. She tells me no medicine at all and then lays in bed crying all day long from the pain. I don’t need advice on how to give her the medicine. My mommom made it very clear before and while confused that she did not want medicine. I just want some comfort because Im so young and wish my mom and dad could help me. She’ll be the third family member i lost in the last 3 years and its so hard to keep losing my family.

My beautiful and stubborn Grandma passed away last week. She had been in palliative care at home for 2-3 weeks. I was the one that gave her the end of life pain and symptom relief medications.

She had just turned 87. The funeral was on Thursday. The house is quiet. And I’m filled with all emotions, but also no emotions.

Guilt at my madness when she couldn’t help me with standing up, guilt at not realising the difference between her not wanting to help me and the real reason being that she couldn’t understand what I was saying or she couldn’t physically help me.

Anger at the hospital for the very real possibility that she had started having multiple organ failure when they released her a month before her passing, and that they didn’t tell me that it was coming. (She developed a shake while in the hospital and I asked if it was normal, they said yes. I then took her back to the hospital 1-2 weeks later because the shakes had gotten worse, after calling palliative care and them saying it sounded like organ failure)

Anger at the immediate family for not pulling their fingers out until the end, and also being grateful that they did step up.

Sadness that she’s gone. Relief that it was reasonably quick and that it’s over. Dread over my future. Guilt for being medicated (anxiety and depression) and possibly not feeling grief properly, and then also grateful for the same thing.

Sadness and guilt over not being able to take her out of the house over summer because of her blood pressure and her fainting. Happiness that I was able to get her out of the house in the cooler months.

Guilt at the annoyance of having to clean up her dirty bum and when I would throw up over it. Confusion over only being gut wrenchingly sad once.

Happiness that she had a beautiful send off and all her nieces and nephews came for it. Sadness that she hadn’t seen many of them for years.

Feeling like I’m on autopilot with doing nothing. Guilt that I’m doing nothing. Logically knowing that my whole life has been turned upside down and I’m allowed to decompress. Annoyance at everyone who asks me what I’ll be doing now. Annoyance at the family who want to get things started on grandmas estate straight away. Annoyance at myself for spending money on junk food and delivery.

Happiness that I can now do whatever I want, leave the house whenever I want. Guilt because I feel that way. Resulting in me not wanting to leave the house.

And also nothing at all.

The video games I would play to give me a break have no more meaning to them. Its purpose was to numb me from my responsibilities, there is no point to the game, other than survival.

My purpose is gone. My original reason for going on was my cat. She passed away in December, when we moved in with grandma it was looking after the both of them.

I have no purpose at the moment; other than one day at a time. I know it’s not forever. But it’s terrifying.

I didn’t know what I was setting out to achieve when I wrote this post. Maybe writing it down makes it real.. maybe giving insight to others that this may happen to them, and that it’s okay to feel these feelings.

Either way. I am so grateful for everything everyone here has done for me. I’m grateful for this group of random, beautiful strangers.

The only people I had been able to relate to are parents of young children, even then it’s different. Nobody really knows what it’s like.

Thank you, all, for existing! 🫂

if so, vent your frustrations and hopelessness here

How many years and are you live in care giver or a scheduled for a specific client?

What was it like?

Did you reach a limit/burn out before leaving somewhere else?

I would just like to know your experience

I’m so overwhelmed at the moment being legal guardian of my friend. She was in a horrible facility and an elder care management company said why not get her back in her own home for a 60 day trial. She has been home since July 18th. She has had different live in’s since she has been home. I go to the grocery store for the house order supplies etc. anyway, I do like this one aide as a person but she doesn’t really interact much with my friend. Patient is awake from 7:15-7:30 pm give or take. The aide said she is required to get three - 1 hour meal breaks. She then asked if she could combine them and take two - 2 hour breaks. Patient is in front of the tv for most of the day other than eating and getting changed. Is this a normal routine? I’m really struggling

My sister-in-law wants to move my father-in-law with her. She has two elementary school-aged kids and a four-year old. FIL can’t walk long distances without needing to rest. He has irregular sleep hours, has admitted that he can’t stand long enough to pee, he is having troubles with his hygiene, is diabetic, etc. My SIL wants to move him in with her, several states away. Her backup plan is to get him an apartment near her, so she can check on him frequently. I cared for the elderly for 6 years and can (somewhat) understand the burn out that full-time caregivers must go through. Even though I only worked 8 hours shifts, it was exhausting work. So, I have immense respect for people who take on this responsibility.

I’m trying to help her understand what an undertaking this is and could become as his health and mobility continue to decline. When I asked her if she is comfortable wiping her own father’s butt, she stated that she would just hire someone part-time. She thinks that we can all just pitch in for part-time help and eventually round the clock care. We can’t afford that!

What do you wish you knew before taking on the caregiver role? Do my I continue to voice my concerns for both of them or do I just drop it? I will take any advice you all can throw at me, since this is new territory for me.

My mother was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer that has metastasized to her liver. She is home with me on hospice. They estimated she had 2 weeks to 2 months to live. That was 5 weeks ago. She has had periods of improvement and decline. Every day is different. She has a lot of pain in and around her liver, weakness, difficulty swallowing pills, eats a few bites of food per day. She is still able to walk very slowly but needs my help getting up from sitting and positioning herself in bed. Her legs are very swollen. She has days where she is very confused. She has only been agitated a few days. The rest of the time she is alternating between sleeping and watching tv or chatting with family.

I feel very fortunate to be able to care for her at home and have this time with her. The difficult parts: I am tired all the time, even though I’m not doing that much. I also struggle with feeling anxious all the time because I never know how she will be or how long that will last. She keeps declining and then recovering. It’s hard not knowing how long she has left. It’s scary imagining this could go on for an indefinite amount of time. When she is confused I can’t relax or take my eyes off of her but then she clears up and we start over. She says she doesn’t want this to go on much longer.

I’m sick to my stomach. Every time I take A SMALL, tiny, LOUSY vacation - just a few days away to help with my mind, my dad always falls down. He doesn’t listen and has Parkinson’s disease. He is not cooperative and is such a pain in the ass. This disease has legit made me start hating him. He was also not the nicest parent growing up and actually was emotionally neglectful, angry, and low key crazy. Life is cruel. No one wants to hate their parent but their turn into such assholes, frumpy, cranky, and nasty. My life revolves around them. I’m ready to just give the caregiver a big fat raise and fade myself out of the situation. Getting the caregiver has been helpful but I try to still be proactive and helpful. I’m tired of giving so much. 😭 I wish god would just take him. He’s so miserable and so am I. Then I feel so guilty for even thinking that in the first place. Sigh. My health has taken such a hit too just bc of all the stress. I truly think it’s time for me the exit the situation more. I don’t want to burden the caregiver but what else can I do?

Hi everyone,

Story is : My wife has been going through some serious mental health related complications since December. She has borderline personality disorder as well as some characteristics of bipolar. Since December she’s had maybe 10 instances of severe suicidal ideation/attempts. I’ve had to restrain her on multiple occasions from injuring herself (hitting herself, self injury as far as cutting, attempting to swallow pills). In February I did call for a crisis worker to come out because she was not doing well and attempting to cut her wrists. She was admitted to the hospital for one night and cleared to come home the following day. She believes I made the wrong choice and sometimes still says she hates me for doing that. My wife and I are each others person, don’t get me wrong, we have an immense connection and amount of love for the other person. I want to be with her always, she is my comfort.

On top of all of that, my mother was admitted to the hospital in late January for worsening pulmonary fibrosis secondary to short telomere syndrome. She was intubated and sedated for 2 weeks and during that time flown to Boston where her transplant team is located. They fast tracked her to get listed and she waited in hospital until March 28th when she finally got her lungs, after 5 possible opportunities but the donor lungs weren’t a fit. My mother came home last week and I am on paid leave and FMLA for 12 weeks to care for her. Which includes weekly trips to Boston which for us is a 2 1/2 hour ride. I take care of all her medications, tube feeds, nebulizer treatments. Phone calls, disability applications. A LOT. All while my wife is still going to work but is suicidal still and I’m not able to be home all the time for her. I worry. I worry if I call to have her taken to the hospital she’ll divorce me. I’m being pulled and have been pulled in so many directions since December my own mental health (depression/anxiety/panic attacks) have ramped up. I guess this is more of a rant/vent But damn I’m exhausted, I’m scared, I’m anxious, I’m so many emotions all at once I don’t think my mind or body can keep up anymore. I’m doing my best to stay strong for my wife and mother but I’m worried I’m losing myself in the mess of it all. Anyways Thanks for reading, if you’ve made it this far. My fingers just kept writing.

I’m just sad and extremely stressed lately , but I must keep going for my family 😔🙂👍🏻

My mom died last month on the 14th and my dad died on the 24th, then my uncle moved in on the 17th and I became his full time caretaker alongside being my dad's caretaker and before him my mom's caretaker.

My uncle normally doesn't get up till about noon so it gave me time to go out and get one little thing from th store 5 mins from me. When I came back I heard he banging on the glass door to the shower, so I went in and he's covered in shit. It's in his hair, under his nails, litterly cakes on his legs. He got it on the walls and the floor. I still do not understand what went wrong. I tried to get him in the shower, I had to try and take his shirt off and his life vest off but he couldn't hear me. He couldn't understand what I was saying. So I tried again to get him let me help him and I got him his walker. He slipped in his shit. He feels and hit his head on the glass, I decided to call 911. I know my limits on what I can do and I know that he hit his head hard. He needed to go. The ER nurse called me saying he's in bad shape, he can't tell them what month it is, who's the president ext. His infection on his leg has gotten worse. The nurse was really surprised they even let him out of the hospital with it. He has 2 infections I can remember the name of, a UTI, penomnia (can't spell) and sepsis. I truly believe they sent my uncle to die at home. I am recording everything, I'm making sure the doctors right everything out. At this I feel this is medical malpractice. They didn't tell what infections he, they never told me how sick he was. The wound on his leg is leaking pus, it's yellow and swollen the outside and really red. I'm so fucking pissed. They're going to kill my uncle, I'll sue them into fucking oblivion.

Vent over. Thank you

Hi everyone. Whooo this stuff is tough, huh? I’m really trying to survive here and maybe someday have a fulfilling life again. After 9 years of living in my mom’s house caring for her (Alzheimer’s) I escaped last October (I hired a caregiver for my mom). I say “escaped” because my mom was abusive, especially in the last year I was there. Neighbors had to call police when they heard my screams for help during one incident. My mom has anosognosia, which means she doesn’t realize that she has any limitations, so she becomes indignant at any help I provide. Although I no longer live with her, I’m managing her finances, medical care, house maintenance, all of it, which I have to do on the down low because mom doesn’t think she needs help and becomes irate and combative, despite having made a mess of her finances, having fallen victim to scams, can no longer figure out how to make a phone call, can’t self-report her prescribed medications. Is anyone else feeling worn down by the bureaucracy of it all? My mom has an appt with a new primary care doc because her old one retired, and I called the office yesterday to inquire about new patient paperwork. I was told that I would have to contact each one of my mother’s TEN doctors individually to have them send records over, and I broke down crying. How can the system be this inefficient? I just returned from a trip to my moms house last week (8 hour drive one way) and I went to her bank to present my POA to try and get a handle on all of the new accounts my mom has opened, but the bank rejected the POA despite it having been prepared by a lawyer specializing in elder care who works out of the same county as the branch location. I feel as though each thing I try to do in service of my mom is as hard and complicated as possible when it really has no right to be. After hours on the phone yesterday with various bureaucracies, I crumbled to the floor in tears. I ended up calling a crisis hotline. (Since I moved to a new state, I’m on a waiting list to get my own healthcare needs met, and that includes a therapist. I thought I was making progress on my fragile mental health since I was living away from my mom but yesterday’s episode shows me that I need more time). So today I’m not going to deal with emails or phone calls or past due bills or any mom stuff, and maybe my heart palpitations and IBS flare will go away. The sun is out and I’m going to spend as much time as possible with my puppy outside.

Had a difficult exchange with my sibling today in relation to our father whose cognitive awareness is declining and propensity towards anxiety causes him fear and distress.

Months ago I explained to her that the relationship is changing between Dad and us, his kids. Where before he could provide counsel and advice into aspects of life, like home maintenance and career, now he genuinely struggles responding rationally to simple things. She doesn't see the distress and worry that is caused to him when she leans on him like before he started to struggle mentally.

After hearing of my sister's problem du jour, he'll spend the rest of the night, sometimes for several days or weeks, in emotional turmoil about some task that he doesn't quite remember but he knows he wants to tackle. Last night he walked around and around and around before asking me what we were going to have to do with my sister's home maintenance situation. I reassured that everything was already planned out (after I got involved) and that there was nothing to worry about, but sometimes that just isn't enough for him, as his mental health or brain disease situation sometimes leaves him in a perpetual loop of worry, concern and fear.

After settling him down, I messaged my sister about the state he had been in and that she had to remember our conversation about trying not to trigger his anxiety and worries about appointments-to-be-kept or the like. She said she "didn't want to be censored in her relationship with her father."

She's a nurse.

She understands that these kinds of episodes cause him extreme emotional distress, yet she can't stop relying on him as a child would a healthy parent.

I do all the caregiving (cookin', cleanin', shoppin', driving to and organizing medical appointments, temper tantrum management, etc), as I moved into my parents home to handle things after Mum's cancer diagnosis. I stayed after Mum passed because I became aware of how diminished his mind had become, how vulnerable he would be if he were to live on his own. I'm the one that has to do figurative "clean-up on aisle seven" when Dad takes off on a tangent like last night. My sister does nothing to contribute to his care even though she lives ten minutes down the street; to be honest, my sister only complicates everything as it relates to managing Dad's care and moods. I just wish she could accept that the relationship we have with our father has to be different today if we are to encourage him towards greater peace.

I appreciate there's a sense of loss as Dad can't be who he used to be, but I think this is the time for us to be selfless in the way we interact and share Dad's time. For me, that means encouraging conversation about light topics that don't cause him excessive worry. For me, that means that we shouldn't broach topics that have proven to be triggers that lead him towards frustration, agitation, fear and an evening (or more) of fretting. I wish she could accept this changed reality in Dad's emotional and mental health.

By the way, yeah, already tried to get Dad on some anxiety meds. No go. He wouldn't consent, even after his doc agreed it would be something that may be worth trying.

Anyhoos, thanks for listening.

He’s lost so much weight, and finding something he likes enough to eat is a nightmare. DB2, liver disease, blood disorders, nausea and vomiting from the various illnesses and meds. He’s testing for a possible transplant now. He’s always been a picky eater preferring fast food like pizza (too salty) hot dogs, fries, but not chicken or pork, fish sticks, veggies and fruits, sweets almost any type, and soda. Much of this has to change. Now I must cook low sodium, low sugars, moderate carbs, vegetable oils, and not spicy. He can’t eat too many eggs, and he won’t eat casseroles.

I’m trying to pump up protein so I give him 2 Premier Protein Shakes per day (30g) and a (25g) protein bar as a baseline. Then I fill in with whatever he will eat. I do this because otherwise he will not eat. Most of my cooking is from scratch because of salt and additives, it’s just unwise to buy prepared food. It’s exhausting and I hate cooking lol. Does anyone have any tips, some tried and true recipes you found? For example, I found a recipe for tuna patties that contained mashed up canned beans. He really liked it and I was so sneaky about the beans. He has no idea. Meatless meals are really helpful. He will eat most fruits and vegetables, but with potatoes, he will only eat fries. He will not eat rice or pasta. He does adore French bread, or any home baked bread so I’m about to try though I have failed at baking my entire life. Thanks for reading, and I do appreciate suggestions, recipes, and words.

Why even bother going to the funeral?? Wouldnt You be ashamed of showing your face at the funeral???? This is for people that left their parents for dead when they were diagnosed with dementia….. You don’t feel any shame???? And then They want to claim their inheritance, that’s even more a slap in the face… I feel like these people should get gang beat down

I’m a caregiver for my mom and she has one of those personalities that needs interactions from others to feel whole or she gets lonely. I’m the opposite = introvert. Human drama actually exhausts me but my mom actually creates drama out of thin air when she gets bored. She seems to enjoy the drama and self created assumptions. She talks so much that even her PT person has mentioned it to me. I am wondering if it’s a self esteem issue where she just has to stop and talk to everyone no matter where/what/why. I realize I cannot change her personality as it is what it is, but to be honest when she was younger I don’t remember her being this needy.

Recently I asked her to keep something just between us private and I just found out that she’s been telling everyone about it. It was a personal issue and I feel betrayed. Actually I’m furious with her and she’s trying to turn it around on me saying that she doesn’t remember me asking her to keep it on the dl. She doesn’t have dementia, she’s on a front wheel walker and she lost her very outgoing and extrovert husband two years ago. She’s just coming out of the fog of grief. She has memory slips as one often does at nearly 90 years old but she’s sharp for her age. I just feel that I have to start keeping things from her just to keep my sanity.

Can anyone relate to this?

I’m just so burnt out, I wanted to put all my aunt’s bloodwork results in a neat little spreadsheet with dates and categories and all but I’m so worn through from looking at the numbers and interpreting them and researching and looking up other people’s experiences… I’ve been doing it nonstop since last summer. Nobody else in my family is so thoroughly aware of the state of her health to such a granular level.

And honestly? I’m just scared to really face them. She getting an MRI tomorrow too which means even more results to wait for in anxiousness, to stress over, to record, to remember, to bring up with her doctors who don’t seem to care about her very much…

I’ve been avoiding this for a few weeks now lining up with a pretty bad depressive episode. I will do it soonish but… sigh

I just wish she would start getting better soon. It’s not within either of our control

So been taking care of parent for the last six years ON MY OWN btw. Their sibling tends to call here and their but have yet to come and visit parent on their own when parent constantly fusses and gets distressed because parent complains they dont visit like they say they will. WHY is it my duty to tell them i neede help?? When they know what happend to parent and they KNOW how parent is with dementia. Why arent you just showing up regardless? Why arent you just coming to help regarldess? Why arent you here or come regardless? Why do I have to tell out my mouth that i need help.. When not only am i taking care of parent, but had to take care of their child as well.. plus my young children plus wife .Why Do i now should have told you i needed help when now i am putting parent in AL? And now you wanna care? Now you wanna blame me and say i didnt say anything????

Had supper in the pan and went to get Steve from the bedroom. He needed some diaper help and the time passed and I smelled the burning food. Ran to the kitchen; had to start over.

Clearly he is not the only mildly demented one here.

Things don’t seem to get better they just seem to get worse. My grandma has been on the war path for going on 2 weeks I’m tired of being the root of all her problems. She wants to do nuttin but fight about the past. Things I did weeks ago or even years ago I hear the same thing over and over over I just want a break I want me time. I want to sleep in watch my phone clean my house with out having permission from her or being stuck up her butt all day