Anyone in the Tampa area need two cases of Jevity 1.5?

Are you playing the number guessing game with your loved one’s prognosis? This must be general human nature or at least common. My husband keeps asking the oncologist how many months he has left. Doctor gives an average length of time that each treatment might be effective. Hubs adds up the numbers (I do this silently in my head). Then we wonder, when do we start counting? From diagnosis, or previous scan once something was suspected, or starting now? This will drive us nuts, but also would change how he’d spend the end of life. I read online on different sites that oncologists tend to give an overly optimistic timeline. Oh, and husband is immunosuppressed, so that is a big deal and could negatively skew the timeline and makes immunotherapy with extremely risky or ineffective. I tend to want to add up the higher ended of the range of probable survival. More realistic to use a midrange number, then be happy when they survive longer. I realized I don’t have a very clear question here, mind is spinning. Please excuse my rambling.

Hi, my name is Matthew. I'm 22 years old and care for my 21 year old girlfriend with stage 3 low grade ovarian cancer. She also has an Ileostomy bag, PICC line in her chest, and nephrostomy bag. I am beyond overwhelmed, depressed, and burnt out. I have been burnt out for a while now. She was diagnosed years ago when she was 19. She's had a tumor since she was 16. We've been dating for 5 years. She lives with my parents and me. Her family is abusive and barely helps. I need a lot of help. I really want a friend to talk to through Instagram who's going to something similar. Anyone who's a cancer patient or a caregiver/advocate that's under 25. No one over the age of 25 please (unless you're in college). I am at my absolute limit. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.

Sorry - Long story. My husband has been battling cancer for 5 years. 8 weeks ago he started on Keytruda. 5 weeks ago he started having bad backaches. We went to an Orthopedist and he found nothing wrong. Husband mentioned it to his Oncologist and he said he probably just tweaked it somehow and gave him steroids. They did nothing. 2 weeks later the doctor gave in and did an MRI. He has tumors in his spine. He started radiation for those. He had 3 doses of the Keytruda and then stopped it for the Radiation. 3 weeks go he started talking funny - like he had marbles in his mouth. Oncologist said it was a reaction to the Anti-Depressant that he had been on for years. I did LOTS of research, talked to the drug manufacturers and it is an uncommon side affect of the Keytruda. Not rare, but not common. Here's the gist of this story...I brought this information to his Oncologist. The doctor went off on me like a firecracker! He was shouting at me, throwing the papers I brought and got within 6 inches of my face. How dare I question him? He has given my husband his best for 5 years. This isn't a side affect, he has cancer in his brain. (Imagine finding out that way). He shouted at me for 10 full minutes. At one point I was shouting back, but he was like a crazy man. Just kept repeating that I should never question him. My husband couldn't say anything because of the dysarthria. He said has been the only only one keeping my husband alive I should be happy.. It was terrible. He finally slammed out of the room and we left. We're not going back but I am still shocked by his unprofessionalism.

We are now going to see new doctors at a much better facility.

Note - this isn’t a post for people to feel sorry for me or anything it’s just a general wonderment if anyone else feels this way.

My mum had BC 9 years ago and fully recovered but now my dad had pancreatic cancer which is just the most awful thing ever. I’ve not got kids yet but I feel there’s a high possibility I might get cancer at some point in my life.

How can I have kids and there’s this chance they might have to go through what I’m experiencing. I honestly wouldn’t want this for anyone. The trauma was a lot from my mums cancer and I feel like I’m relieving it but 20 times worse with my dad.

Some notable things- my mums cancer wasn’t a brca cancer and we’ve had genetic testing done on my dads and it’s not genetic.

Any thoughts anyone?

I am sick of seeing my dad in any type of pain. I'm sick of seeing him sick. I just wish he never had this disease. Yesterday, he told me "I'm so tired of being sick," and I know he is and I want him to feel better soo badly and now I'm crying and I'm scared but at least I know he won't be alone and I'll be there with him. I want to hug him so tightly, but I also don't want to hurt him, and boy, do I want him to graduate hospice. But as we leave the hospital today to start hospice, I sadly don't believe that's going to happen. And all I can think about is shouting the words I said to mother shortly after she passed in 2012, and it's "please don't leave me." And I know both would stay if they could. I just never thought I'd be alone like this at 25 and that neither would meet my future husband or boyfriends (I just started dating at 23). They'll BOTH miss my adult milestones. I really thought I would at least have my dad to run back to when things get hard. Maybe hospice will be long, but I doubt it after looking back at things. I just wish my dad and I went on that trip we kept talking about instead of putting it off because it was never the right time. Now I realized I only got 13yrs with mainly my Mom because my dad was in the Army and just over 12yrs with just my dad. This isn't fair. We deserved more. So much more.

Update: He passed. His soul left me yesterday. 1 day into hospice. I was hoping for more. I was preparing to sacrifice more, not just 1 day. I cried so much already, and now I feel a little empty. And now relatives are talking about a funeral. I guess that's how things go. I want a funeral. He deserves one. I just don't know how people make decisions so fast.

So, I've mentioned in a couple of other updates that we're doing hospice. I'm terrified. We're leaving the hospital tomorrow morning. I'm hoping/praying for a miracle and for him to suddenly be on the upswing. However, I don't think that's going to be the case.

We're doing at home hospice because I want to respect his wishes. Idk how I'm gonna do this. I've been doing a lot of tough love to get him to take his meds and drink his protein shakes because he's not really eating anything else. I feel like I'm being mean tho, which sucks.

I dont regret much tho, I only really kinda regret agreeing for him to go to rehab/convalescent home I'm pretty sure if I didn't push the nurses he might have died because of 2 bad days of dehydration and they couldn't get an iv fast enough. I might be pointing fingers but the facility was shit imo and a lot of the cna were lazy as hell, except like 5 of them. Though, it might have also saved his life in the sense that I would've had to fight to convince him to go to the ER and that place does it automatically. Anyway, my relatives convinced me that the rehab place was a good idea because I was 100% burned out and all my boundaries were being crossed and they were worried about me having a break down. Which I might have, I'll probably get burnt out again and my dad will most likely cross all my boundaries because he is bedbound and has chronic diarrhea.

And I know he has the right to be selfish since he's actively dying but it's been so fucking hard and it might be because I keep asking WHY (whyd he wait? Why didn't he do chemo when he was supposed to? Why etc.) Which probably isn't healthy. Among these unhealthy things, I did the nurse's/cna's/pct's job when he was admitted in hospitals/the rehab place because he was impatient/mad or didn't want stranger's touching him. I worked when it wasn't supposed to be my job because he refused to hit the that damned call button (mostly when he was hospitalized). I was there when I probably should have taken it as time to relax/transition into helping him because he claimed he was being abused, he wasn't. He was just mad that he was there, wasn't in-charge, that he was sick, and that the nurses didn't move like lightning. I remember he even yelled at me when I left to take care of things/me for a couple of hours because he soiled himself. He was at the hospital and didn't hit the call light.

Anyway, I come here and I rant because there's no time to process anything and I know I'm angry/sad/depressed/tired/stressed. But life is so damn exhausting rn. Also, I made sure to draw a line this week at the hospital (that I know is reasonable) because I know I won't get a break at home so I can rest anyway I can before we leave. He has to hit the button to get clean/use the bedpan/etc, and he's in step down/pcu or whatever hospital lingo is used to indicate the level right below icu so they come pretty fast. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm an asshole for it.

Anyway, I'm again, terrified. I know it's gonna get ugly. It was getting ugly 2 months ago when he got dehydrated and was ill as a hornet. I feel like a parent. I don't want to be a parent. People also keep saying I'm going to get rewarded for this and I'm doing the the lords work or I'm acting saintly, which I think is bullshit. I just think I'm acting like a daughter who's trying her best to a father who tried his best. Neither has been good or perfect. Idk how people do this for long periods of time. I just know that I don't want him to die and that I somehow feel like a horrible person as I do all this. And because saying this feels right: FUCK CANCER!!!

I would apologize because this is long as hell but I have a lot on my chest.

EDIT: So, I kinda just realized that the 1 mean bitch on this subreddit gave me hospice advice before we were on hospice. About the eating/drinking. I just wanna say fuck her, I've been wanting to say it but I didn't because I was out of my wheelhouse trying to help my dad do what he said he wanted to do att, which was try to get/stay healthy enough to try to do chemo. So, I just wanted to say I'm happy I kinda ignored her and how evil that was to do-we weren't here yet.

My mom is on round two of chemo (she lost her hair) and is experiencing acne on her scalp and face. it’s making her really uncomfortable and we don’t know what to do about it. does anyone have any experience/ advice on the matter?

He left today.

I am not sure why the universe did this.

How did you guys holding up? My husband (29yo) has been on hospice for a month now. We barely been together for 2 years since we were in ldr before. His health has been declining so quickly & barely walk because of excruciating pain and edema. My husband was 5 mos diagnosed of stage 4 rare sarcoma when we got married. I (27yo) get bitter, angry, jealous of seeing other couples having wonderful moments together. While my husband and i have to go through hard times together. When men open their cars/ doors for their partners, here is me who always do the exact gesture to my husband. Carrying 4 bags for him, doing errands, help him dress up, wipe his ass & etc. i dont regret marrying him and never will regret it. I will do this for a lifetime if it means keeping him with me forever but i just think it isnt fair for the both of us. It is not completely right that we both went through this while people in our age are living their best lives. We currently live with his Mom & stepdad so we have a lot of help from family. I work part time too, working helps me to get off my mind sometimes. We barely just been together. I cant talk with anyone about anything, coz i get bitter and jealous because At the end of the day, they have their partners. His mom has his step dad and step grandchildren, his sisters are living their lives with their partners. Sorry, i know it’s not a good thing for me but since cancer happened, i forgot to be normal.

My dad has been on hospice for a week, he started to rally yesterday. It’s been nice to see him be a smart ass, but I know this means we’re close.

I don’t think I feel anything right now. I can’t. Somehow, I have become the go-to person for everyone. I’m having to play peace keeper between family members while my dad is asking me to get him out of the bed and my mom is freaking out if I make a single sound while in the room.

I’ve gotten on top of everything - therapy, medication, I got a psych referral today - so I don’t spiral, but just because I’m not spiralling doesn’t mean I don’t I feel like I’m suffocating.

I guess I’d like to know how other people coped. Everyone’s coping mechanisms are different, and I think I’m just trying to avoid the detrimental ones.

Sorry if this didn’t make any sense. Everything feels like a mess.

I can't find the post someone else did, so I'm making this one. We're officially doing at-home hospice. My dad doesn't want a facility. I feel like I might actually be setting myself on fire for him because I'm already running on empty after 3 months. I might be bitter about it because I'm tired and I don't want him to die, idk yet. I haven't fully processed we're doing hospice yet, we're still at the hospital. We were officially told hospice is pretty much the last option unless he could tolerate an ng tube (they couldn't insert it properly and my dad doesn't want to try for the 3rd time).

Ill probably make another post ranting about this more but this one is for practical stuff so I won't want to kill myself as much as I help my dad because it's really just me doing everything for now.

What tools and stuff make it easier?

He's not on oxygen. He's bedbound and incontinent and has struggled with eating and drinking for like 4 months (or more). I have to feed, bath, and rotate him because he has a sore on his tailbone. He also has chronic diarrhea.

Any tips and suggestions would be much appreciated. Please and thank you. I've already started a list on Amazon for things I need to get.

I’m gonna try to keep this as succinct as I can, so please bear with me if I write too much or ramble. My mom has stage IV stomach cancer that has metastasized to her liver. She’s been on chemo for a little over a year. And until recently, it seemed to be “normal,” or whatever I had managed to tell myself normal would be. In the last month, however, I have seen a side of her I didn’t even imagine existed. She’s been incomprehensibly angry… and seemingly with me and me alone. I have a younger brother and he says she’s been her normal self with him. But with me, she’s been bringing up things that happened decades ago, yelling words and phrases I’ve never fathomed she could or would say. Just being furious about literally nothing, or screaming at or insulting me for something she has assumed (which I have tried to point out) or was flat-put wrong about. And as I said, some of it happened 20-plus years ago; and we had spoken and moved on from any of those incidents long ago. Long story long, she has essentially told me that she doesn’t want to interact any longer. And given her circumstances, it’s heartbreaking. She’s been wrong about everything she has said and assumed, and all of my efforts to express/explain that to her have been met with more anger. She knows all about chemo brain, and has used that excuse at least twice now… but only when it serves her. This isn’t that. A few months ago, she would easily forget what day it was. This is a monstrous side of her I have never ever seen. Maybe the cancer has infiltrated her brain. Maybe the chemo is affecting the same. Maybe the other meds - blood pressure, blood thinners, and who knows what else - in combination with the chemo are creating this. But she doesn’t see anything wrong, and my words are futile. It’s sad, but this seems to be the reality. Has anyone else encountered anything like this? How should I go about navigating it? I mean, at this point, she’s pushed me out of her life, so I don’t even know if there’s much left to navigate. This hurts. Sorry for the rambling, but it just looking for anything and anyone to make me feel less horrible than I have since she and I spoke earlier today. It’s hard to see and experience a version of someone you love that isn’t them… and there isn’t anything you can do about it. Thanks for reading.

Hi, I’m new to this space and hope to connect with folks who’ve been through or are on this journey.

I’ve been taking care of my dad for almost 16 years. He’s pretty young (to me), mid 60s and just really is the light of my world—it’s been me, my partner and my dad, and the fur pup for the past 5 years.

My dad fell, and we took him to the ER. He was fine from the fall, but they found a lesion on his spine in the neck area, which the doctor on call said is usually malignant and metastatic. We had a follow up appointment yesterday, where the PCP said it’s usually late stage cancer, coming from somewhere in the body.

We’re in the process of lining up appointments, labs, etc to get confirmation and the full picture.

I am sad. Scared. Terrified. I’ve experienced losing loved ones over the years, and there’s no way to anticipate or prepare for it. He’s so much of my world, and it’s scary and heart shattering to think or try to anticipate the worst.

Any kind words, insight and support is genuinely appreciated.

Thanks for reading. <3

Watching my mom suffer in her last moments has been unbearable. I want her misery to end but I also want to hold her hand for as long as possible..

We’re planning the funeral now but I’m dreading it so much. I’m struggling to gather myself, so I was hoping I could talk to some other people who are going or have been through a similar struggle. Let me know if anyone is interested and I’ll set up a group zoom call

I am the primary caregiver for my dad who was recently diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. My father has expressed that he wants to try to fight this cancer which I’m more than happy to help him fight on with all my strength and the last breath in my body. However, in the hospital and since he came home from the hospital he has fought against every suggestion to help him get stronger to fight this very aggressive disease (except for taking medication and hospital based treatments).

He cannot eat solid foods because of his mass so the doctors have said that it is imperative that he drink Ensures and Gatorade/electrolyte drinks etc as well as nutrient and calorie dense soft foods. He has been resistant to most of this. I understand that he has a very limited appetite but he knows logically that he must eat/drink to get strong enough to fight. However he’s not doing it and we are getting on his nerves reminding him, meanwhile he’s steadily losing weight and getting weaker and he hasn’t even started chemo. I am very afraid and worried.

He is also mostly not sleeping and when he sleeps he wakes up several times during the night and I wake up with him as he is a fall risk. I am starting to get sick myself from not sleeping well. My sibling is helping me but this is extremely overwhelming.

He also has become very mean and obstinate to my sibling and myself which is 100% not his personality.

I forgot to add that he doesn’t really want to tell people what’s going on and seems angered at the thought of me seeking help.

I don’t know what I’m asking…maybe strategies to get through a cancer patient who is extremely obstinate? Also maybe some encouragement.

I have been having these overwhelming thoughts about the funeral part of this process. It incredibly selfish of me as we aren’t there yet and heck anything could happen and I could die first. But each day I think of how much I don’t want to have any part of the funeral process. I don’t want a spectacle , I don’t want to give any speeches , I don’t want to see the faces of friends and acquaintances who never checked in all these years or who my hubby never wanted to tell. I just don’t want to do it. I want to honor him but not in this traditional fashion. I’m not even sure what he wants he definately isn’t there yet in conversation.

Anyone else have this fear or feeling?

Thanks just venting to the Reddit universe 💙

Good day! I am a 4th year student from the University of San Carlos. We are conducting a study regarding informal cancer caregivers (family/friends who take care of cancer patients without formal training and compensation). Currently, we are in need of participants such as caregivers who are currently taking care of a patient.

May we ask your assistance in finding participants for us to nurture the current body of knowledge of the experiences of informal cancer caregivers as backbones of the caregiving trajectory. Your support will greatly benefit current research on this area.

Participants must meet the following:
- Must be 18 years old and above
- Primary, consistent caregiver for terminal cancer patient
- At least 1 year of caregiving experience
- No formal medical training and no payment for caregiving
- Provides both financial and physical support, involved in all aspects of care
- Always accompanies the patient

The interview can last around 1 to 2 hours depending on the participant’s responses.

Your effort and time is greatly appreciated. An incentive will be given upon completion of the interview.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Good day! I am a 4th year student from the University of San Carlos. We are conducting a study regarding informal cancer caregivers (family/friends who take care of cancer patients without formal training and compensation). Currently, we are in need of participants such as cancer patients who have informal caregivers.

May we ask your assistance in finding participants for us to nurture the current body of knowledge of the experiences of informal cancer caregivers as backbones of the caregiving trajectory. Your support will greatly benefit current research on this area.

Your effort and time is greatly appreciated. An incentive will be given upon completion of the interview.

Participants must meet the following:
- Must be 18 years old and above
- Primary, consistent caregiver for terminal cancer patient
- At least 1 year of caregiving experience
- No formal medical training and no payment for caregiving
- Provides both financial and physical support, involved in all aspects of care
Always accompanies the patient

The interview can last around 1 to 2 hours depending on the participant’s responses.

hi all- the past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind, and I’m very much trying to find a balance between the uncertainty and preparing through it. I guess I just need this opportunity to vent and ask, because things are changing so quickly, yet feels like its moving so slowly.

My dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer late August, and after surgeries and staging, we had an idea of what treatment was going to look like starting early December. Start date was delayed, but with holidays and low stage, we tried to rationalize it all and enjoy our time with family.

The first weekend of 2025, he began coughing blood. He’s been told it’s lung cancer, and from all the testing/notes I’ve seen so far, seems like it is metastatic lung cancer, spreading to lymph nodes… though we are waiting on biopsy results + oncologist appointment, another 2 weeks + a brain MRI, another 3 weeks.

We finally got the bladder treatment appts today, starting Monday, so trying to work through how to prepare for treatment , and what questions we may have.

It’s a lot - and I will say that I have some solid people and supports on our side, and trying my best to slow down, try to follow my dad’s pace, and ground myself as much as I can to take things as they come, day by day.

I have a lot of questions, but searching through the sub, one thing that stood out to me from the newly diagnosed advice was: “don’t make it all about cancer”… and I’m trying, but finding it so hard not to, especially as things feel like they are just getting started, and I’m trying to be the grounding needed for a lot of my family.

But, everyday there’s a new test, or appointment, or report. New thoughts and emotions - concerns for the future…

So, how do you balance it all, especially in the beginning, try to avoid getting lost in the cancer sauce, or at least stay afloat in it while you prepare around/within the uncertainty?

And, yes, I will be reaching out to a therapist soon for myself, but would appreciate the peer support in the meantime 🫶

So I post a despondent rant and then out of the blue we get the call, a donor has been identified! If anyone has an experience with the stem cell transplant I'd love to hear about what to expect and how it went for you guys. Now it's time to pray that everything proceeds as it should and the donor is available etc...

Anyone have a loved one with metastatic breast cancer on Ibrance/Xgiva/Fulvestrant combo that stopped being effective? What was the next treatment protocol? Did you find the next line was as effective for as long as the initial combo?

Also, has anyone’s loved one had a cervical spine fracture from bony mets? What were the treatment options? Especially interested in options where nerves were compromised by the mets. Has radiation helped your love one with nerve pain?

My (59F) mother's oncologist suggested she go on hospice until she starts to feel stronger. Has anyone else ever experienced this? We have asked him if she stops treatment and that was his response. Do people use hospice in the interim and then get back on treatment?

Background: she has been fighting MBC for 4 years diagnosed by a very bad Pleural Effusion. And it's thought to be a reoccurrence from her diagnosis of stage 3 breast cancer in 2015. I (33F) am her caretaker and her needs are exceeding my ability and she has been having more visits to the ER. Her labs are all over the place, she is in immense pain and her cognitive function is decling. She hasn't been able to get chemo for the past 2 months. The doctor isn't really stressed about that, but says once she is stronger she can start up again. She had palliative and it wasn't enough, so here we are. I feel like we are at the end, but she and my sister say keep fighting. I guess I'm scared to get my hopes up because I have seen and lived the reality of this past year. My question is has anyone used hospice in this way? Or is the doctor trying to soften the blow?

As my wife moves into a year and a half of battling Cutaneous T-Cell Lymphoma and searching for a match so that she can get a stem cell transplant I am starting to feel more lost then ever. My wife has two sisters who are possible matches but have decided to be petty and not even get typed and then turn around and lie to her parents and say that they tried but are to old to donate, they never even contacted our hospital representative about typing and never returned our representatives' calls, they just logged onto to be the match and said oh, I'm over 40 even though we've told them that they are to contact the office not go through the website. Her parents have turned this into a side choosing family drama and her mom had the audacity to tell my wife, isn't there a pill for this I mean I saw a commercial on tv, knowing full well that she is being treated at City of hope and her doctor is the specialist when it comes to this type of lymphoma. AAARGH! So here are these people being complete creeps while I try and do everything I can to make her life liveable. In all honestly she is doing really really well but she need the transplant and the fact that she is 100% Japanese has made typing very difficult since there aren't a lot of Asian donors out there. It's horrible that she is doing pretty well but I feel completely lost because deep down I know that she can't stay on chemo forever and it's been a year and a half of it being pumped through her system. If things start to go sideways I know that it's going to be Leaving Las Vegas for me, I just can't bring myself to drag my friends and family down with me, I mean my wife is battling and everyone is there for her and she should be the center of everyone's concern not my inability to hold it together, I'm afraid that the cosplay I wear of a stable and together husband and father is going to start to crack. Why does this have to happen to a person that hasn't done anything to deserve this? Sorry that this has gotten long and rambling but the recent drama that my poor wife has had to go through has really angered and shaken me up. You are all so awesome for listening to the screams into the void, prayers for you all!

My wife of 31 year just past away on January the 5 she had stage 4 Metastatic lung cancer that had pretty much consumed her body and brain between the chemo and radiation it left her a shell of herself but she still was fighting now I'm left to pick up the pieces of my life

I (25f) need a tight hug. Someone to talk to and a good cry. Hell, I wish I had my situationship of a bf (23) here to cuddle, be brainless, and half asleep with. I feel so alone. I'm in a city idk with a first cousin I'm not close to because she's much older than me. My dad (63m) is touch and go (mentally) and claims he wants to try to fight (to be eligible for chemo) and not do hospice yet. I'm trying to be supportive and push him to do the things he needs to do to try to reach that, like getting a feeding tube (he currently can't it was too much for him today). But days like these don't feel like progress at all even though he's recovering from dehydration and stuff at the hospital. He should have come back sooner (to this specific hospital) but he didn't want to at first. Hopefully, at the very least, they'll stop the diarrhea.

Also, I never wanted an edible so badly in my life. I never wanted to mentally check out more and I don't even drink like that or do recreational drugs. The urge to self-destruct just feels so strong that I'm fighting the urge to fall back into bad habits that I can't do because I have a pseudo bf. We barely started dating when I found out about my dad's cancer and haven't had the opportunity to date much and now we're doing long distance? which is crazy as hell -I promise I like him Im just mentally unwell and I feel like im doing him a disservice because he deserves to date someone who can actively date him. I also feel like even though he wanted to keep seeing me (this was before I found out how bad my father's condition was), that this isn't want he signed up for at all and he couldn't have known this was going to be my life. Anyway, I do know that after this (however this ends because I still refuse to say it, fuck the judgemental ass oncology team guy btw) when I eventually go back to work/school (and have insurance again) I'll definitely need antidepressants and a therapist. I've been depressed before in fact I'm pretty sure I have/had high functioning depression, now it's definitely less functioning and I'm falling apart and fighting to keep an appetite. ALSO FUCK CANCER!!!

And I stress to any stranger please get treatment as soon as you find out if you can and try not to lose weight. You can always stop, you cant always start. Don't wait on it too long and be too self-neglectful because you weren't sure what you wanted to do. I'm not saying this with judgment. I say this while bawling my eyes out and snot running down my face.

Also, I want to hug my dad so badly but he's currently bedbound in the hospital and idk how to or how to without breaking down and holding onto him as tightly as I can.

Edit: I feel better after crying. I still hate my life. I have no regret in my choice to be there for my dad though. I'm just tired and very much mentally ill. I think I need to find a place to scream.

Last night was rough for her. She had stage 4 Metastatic breast that had spread everywhere, and had just come off 2 weeks whole brain radiation therapy.

She couldn't walk, could barely talk, but the plan was to get her to a place stable enough so she could get strong enough to fight. But it had spread all over. Her beautiful little body was just too damaged. I asked her every day if she still wanted to be here, and she said she did. So fighting on was the plan, at least until last night.

A year and a half of opioids were starting to fry her brain, and the lesions on her brain made her lose touch with reality. Last night I put her to bed early, gave her night time Dilaudid, but she was agitated, and pleaded with me to call an ambulance. She wasn't in pain, and I knew if I took her to the cancer center, she probably would never leave. It took me hours, all night, to calm her down, and I was finally get her to lay down, with me holding her,

I had one hour to sleep before I had to get up for work. When I woke up, my arm was around her chest, and she wasn't breathing. I called 911, but I knew she was already gone. Today has been a blur. Phone calls to family, employers, insurance companies. After a year and a half of taking care of her, tonight it's quiet in the small two bedroom apartment we shared. As hard as taking care of her, and walking hand in hand through the worst of this has been, I'd do it all again. In a minute. Only for you my love. Only for you. .

My wife passed away on New Year’s Day after a long 5 days in the hospital. During my time there with her I wrote this poem that may help someone going through something similar. Even if it just helps one person, it’s worth it.

I’m so sad that they have what I don’t but I’m happy for them

I’m so angry that they get to go home hand in hand while I go home alone

I hate how the world is celebrating, not knowing that they are losing the best of us

I think that grief and love are two sides to the same coin

And unfortunately I’m stuck with the former.

I’m not okay but I will be I’m not okay but I will be

If I lived 1000 lifetimes I’d love you in every single one. I’ll see you in the next.