There was a possible, probably relatively minor, administration error in my mother's most recent chemo. We're going to talk to the team about it.

But my mum is (understandably) super anxious and angry about it, and her thoughts are starting to spiral into all of her wider angers/fears/sadness about, just, obviously everything.

It's way bigger than just this incident. It's also her next PET scan which will say whether treatment is even working. It's her upcoming treatments which we know will have much worse side effects. And it's all her grief, regrets, and anger about her life even before her cancer diagnosis - just, everything.

And I'm tbh just not saying the right things to help her feel better, AT ALL. tbh she already finds my personality and communication style to be too cold and frustrating even at the best of times. And our entire life perspectives just seem to completely clash with each other. The solutions I would offer and what I would do are just completely opposite to what she would want or would do herself. The way I think about things is pretty much actively offensive to her.

I feel so angry and upset too. Stuff she's been saying about me has been kinda hurtful but not even wrong tbh. I'm not a naturally caring person - I literally do not have pets or children or relationships because of that. I do resent it when she wants to depend on me for things I feel like she should have taken ownership of herself years ago. Other people in my profession would have an expert network of friends to draw on for advice and benefits, but I can't give her any help with that because I don't have that because I'm a cold ass. She needs to be able to vent her emotions and let it out, but I bottle it up and don't give her any comfort. I deal with other people's mistakes by withdrawing from them and doing everything myself, but she needs someone who will always be in her corner fighting for her and fixing it. I am hyperindependent and cold, but she needs loyalty and dependability and strength. She says I don't care enough about her.

I feel like people say "oh you're caring for your mum, you're amazing, you're so great, blah blah blah" but that feels like it's directed towards, tbh, their personal imagination of other carers who are actually more loving and caring and kind. When I hear it, I just think "damn, you don't even know me".

Even right now, I think intellectually that what we both need is just a good cry and a big hug and some vulnerability to acknowledge we're both actually really scared of what the future holds.

But I feel so angry and vengeful and defensive that I don't even want to be in the same room as her right now. While she has cancer!!!!! So maybe she's right to say I don't care enough about her.

She was 59, i’m 26. It was an awful road. I’m heartbroken and somewhat relieved it’s over. Even though it was expected I feel like i’m in total disbelief. I just can’t believe she’s gone. I can’t believe i dont have to look at her appointments, her scans, her treatments anymore. Her last few days were awful…she was in a sort of coma but she held on for a long time and had a death rattle for two days and it was just awful. Grief is like a constant punch to the gut. Anyways, thank you to this community. I made a few posts over the last couple of months and you were so helpful and supportive. ❤️

My mom was an avid redditor. She was also one of the biggest David Bowie fans ever. The day before she died we found a comment from a few months ago on her account saying she wanted her last words to be

“This is major kel (her name) to ground control, i’m stepping through the door. And i’m floating in a most peculiar way. And the stars look very different today”

She didn’t get to say this, but we sang it to her while she was in her coma. If there are any Bowie fans here maybe play starman, warzawa, or space oddity for her today.

My partner and I are young, only been together a few years and he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer this year. His oncologist was grim, no prognosis but for his metasises, the outlook is pretty hopeless.

When I am with him, I feel happy and the sadness is there but subdued because he makes me so happy. He's the best person I've ever known.

Outside of being with him, I am angry and bitter. I've alienated family and friends because the majority of them don't even bother to pick up the phone to ask how I am, simply how it's going. The best anyone has done is once asked what can I do, to which I'm just frustrated tired and out of energy to answer. Do something or anything but stop asking me to tell you what to do.

I go to therapy but nothing is helping to dispel this out of control anger and bitterness at my partners raw deal. How do I live and he doesn't? Why him? Everywhere around me my friends are in a time of life where they re having children, buying houses, excelling at their careers, enjoying inheritances, everything is falling into place.

Meeting my partner, it felt like I was able to do anything and it felt like things had fallen into place that same way. Now it has fallen apart and we roll along trying to become accustomed to this new way of living, and dying.

My question is to especially spouses and partners, how on earth do you develop grace in this situation? I feel so keenly that my friends can't possibly understand and they also cannot win. Some avoided me altogether and I'll never forgive them, even if they try now because I told them how cruddy it was to behave that way. Some who have been more proactive, I have avoided, because they appear to want me to behave a certain way and are upset when I don't need them in the way they want. I can't modify my behavooir so I have isolated myself from everyone. I went mad at my lovely parents because they haven't called me once since the diagnosis early this year.

Nobody around me can possibly win. I try to meet up with them when I've asked friends to make the effort and I've cancelled every time because I don't know how to be or talk about the pain I'm feeling. I know they won't respond in the way I need. They're English. Sorry, but the English are just woeful at helping, in my experience, repressed about sickness and death. I am English and maybe I am too, I don't know. I'm emotional at the best of times, so when bad times hit, the last thing I wsnt is anyone to have to deal with death and sickness alone. But this isn't reciprocated now I'm in this situation.

I have nightmares my partner is being stalked by a tiger and I push him into a river, and he drowns instead of being mauled. I am stalked by my partners cancer in waking and sleeping life. I am utterly lost, alone and unprepared to help my partner and I'm trying so hard. I can't do this without people around me and I feel I have none, in part because people are too uncomfortable to help and partly because I have isolated myself through rage and despair and calls for help that have gone unmet.

Spouses and partners, please tell me how you have dealt with the sheer rage of cosmic injustice and how you have kept friendships and familial relationships alive and not alienate everyone? The thought of surviving my partner and having alienated anyone who could have helped is overwhelming me.

Seeing my family at Thanksgiving made me feel more lonely than I think staying home would have. I have a large family but very few reach out to see how I’m doing or how my hubby’s cancer treatments are going. While most rarely reach out, my ONLY sister has never asked or shown concern in the last year and a half. We’ve never been close but this is definitely a real gut punch. Even though he would only sit in a chair the whole time and not be able to move around much, hubby wanted to go to my side of the family’s Thanksgiving because my dad was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer and started treatment. He’s really been concerned about my dad.

One brother asked how I was doing and I barely said “we’re doing okay, getting by” when he switched it to how he understood and all this talk about his technical training, how stressful that was, an upcoming test and then was excited to tell me about his new vehicle. Most of the others just avoided any convo asking how we are doing and really didn’t even ask me a single question about my/our life. The convo was all about them.

This doesn’t apply to all of my siblings. One brother and his wife stayed with us for one night earlier this week with their kids and that was wonderful to have them here. It was really good convo and their company really made my husband smile (and there hasn’t been much to smile about lately). My dad has also been there for us a lot, especially before his own diagnosis. I guess I hoped that at least with my siblings, I would’ve felt like someone cared. I’m thinking about not going to Christmas and just doing our own thing here with my hubby and our three girls. It sounds more peaceful and less disappointing. This journey is often so lonely.

I'm a mental health therapist and I have been working in private practice for the past three years. At the same time, my dad was diagnosed with lymphoma the week that I quit my full-time job and dove into private practice full time. In a lot of ways, private practice has been very helpful for me when it comes to flexibility and being able to support my dad out of province during his cancer treatments. The thing that I am struggling with is that during the last two weeks we've gotten very negative news and it's the first time within these three years that I have found myself cancelling days of work just to lie in bed and watch TV or go on my laptop and try to take my mind off of the reality that I have no control over right now with my dad's health. I am going to be reducing my hours in January and February to support my dad who is going to go through CAR T CELL therapy, but in the meantime, I get more and more depressing news every single day, and just cannot function to see my clients the way that I could even just one month ago. I just physically cannot bring myself to enter these sessions feeling as though my clients are going getting the best from me. I'm just feeling a whole bunch of guilt and shame around this, and wondering if anyone else has had to deal with a similar experience with their work/career, as a caregiver?

My husband (29yo) and i (27yo) just got married over a year ago after he diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. We went through 3 year of long distance relationship before we get married. Today it is devastating to hear that he will only have 6 months to live. He is too young and our time together will never be enough for me. It is cruel to realize, cancer is cruel. I want him to fight for us and never give up but he is in so much pain that palliative care has not that lot of options to relieve pain as he is already in highest dosage of opioid and ketamine didnt work for him. They have said even receiving chemo wont make any changes. It is just so unfair, completely unfair that we give us only few years together. It really isnt enough for me

Hi. My best friend F60 has squamous carcinoma in the rectum; it has spread to pelvic lymph nodes. Chemo and radiation start Monday. I'm going to be her primary support. I am fortunate to have had little cancer experience in my friend and family circle; now it's on. Looking for advice, information recommendations, etc. -Wish there was a version of "What to Expect When You're Expecting" like "What to Expect When Your BFF has Cancer and You're Both Scared Sh*tless".

Hey there, I have recently joined many groups over here and it's difficult to trust the information shared on many of these platforms. How do I know whom to trust here? How do you navigate through so many platforms and decide where to put your concerns and stories?

The first big meeting with the Oncology team is today.

What are the questions you wished you would have asked?

Questions about financing? Treatment options?

I want to walk into this as prepared as possible.

My wife (36F) died last night at the hospital. I was there with her, just me and her. I told her it was ok to let go and that I loved her, I said a prayer and thought of how full of life she was. She died a minute later. It was beautiful and intimate, I will always cherish it.

I then had to see her go into the fridge in the morgue, it is utterly disgusting where her body is. I have some gilt that she is there but it’s only as means to send her back to her own country. She is too beautiful for that place.

Please save yourself seeing her in the morgue, I’m so upset at the nurses that suggested that I go there with her.

My brother 36M is going through chemo. I was having a conversation with him about how we must change our lifestyle. But to my surprise he said he is not going to quit smoking or drinking because doctor said cancer wasn't really caused by this and the gene panel test came negative so the chances of the disease coming back are zero. Mind you he is still smoking and drinking throughout his chemo therapy. It just breaks my heart to hear all this. We have all put our lives on hold to accommodate him and his treatment. He stays with us now for his treatment and he is not married. My parents are old and retired and 100% involved in his treatment and recovery. I feel like he is taking us for granted with this attitude. What if the disease comes back in the future (our mother had the same kind of cancer few years ago) and my parents are too old to take care of him or they're just not there considering their age. I too will get married in a year or two.

I keep telling myself he is an adult to take his own decisions however good or bad, he will have to go through the consequences of his actions. but being a sister it just kills me that even after going through hell with this treatment and surgery he is still not budging about quitting smoking and drinking.

Please help me understand his point of view and how should I cope up with this situation.

Hi everyone. Just wondering if anyone has stories of negotiating a toxic home environment whilst caregiving for me to get some guidance from.

I live abroad and do so because my family household environment is toxic. My mother uses her son (my half brother) as a substitute husband and ever since he was born, he was never punished for anything, destroys belongings in revenge, and prone to outbursts of violence. The result is a mentally stunted man (29M) who has never had a job and is incapable to doing anything other than playing video games in his room, day in and out. He was sectioned temporarily a few years ago. I left after he physically attacked me when I tried to protect my mother when he was having a breakdown about having to get dressed for Xmas dinner.

She had stage 4 cancer but is functional and without pain. I went back to look after her, putting my life on hold to the point where I'm unsure I have a job when I return. Our relationship is okay until it involves issues of her son, for which she holds a grudge against me for not wanting to reconcile with an utterly useless man who won't even attend hospital appointments with her, let alone clean up after himself. I cook and clean, and he will deliberately trail mud over things i have just cleaned. My mother will make implausible, physically impossible excuses for the mess and erupt into a tantrum if I continue talking. She also speaks about him not being able to put up with the accusations anymore (I hadn't spoken directly to him in a decade so its whatever she chooses to say to him), that he is considering leaving to stay with another family member and then she will be alone and it will be my fault. It is extreme gaslighting and feels so strange to reenter a house of mentally unhinged people after such a long time of living away in peace. Her behaviour appears to be a combination of coddling, but also fear of him - he came out of his room to argue (the 1st time I've seen him in years) and she had a very infantile energy around him (after she prevented him from physically attacking me).

I really want to leave as soon as possible. Her next scan is soon. I will continue to provide food and clean, and hopefully the mass has decreased so she can get treatment, but feel somewhat complex feelings over the villanization making me not want to spend any more time with her even though it is possible that she may die. Anyone with similar stories/advice?

Hey, we need some interviewees to gain insights into their cancer journey. Your stories can be a great source of motivation to young patients. Please let me know if you are interested.

My (37F) dad (73) has lung cancer and was diagnosed 14 months ago. Because of his lung cancer, he’s been septic 3x, had a colostomy bag, had a heart attack, and had a stroke. It’s been a rollercoaster ride.

I take care of him alongside my mom (69). I moved back in with them. I do everything my dad used to do around the house all the while navigating his journey, anticipatory grieving him, fighting my depression, working, and going to the gym for my sanity.

For the first time, my mom yelled at me. She took her frustration out on me. After everything I’ve done for them! It’s so disheartening. I’m trying to give her grace but that really stung.

I’ve hit my breaking point. I’m mentally exhausted. I need more out of life while caregiving. I’m craving more. Going to the gym is a major relief. I also started cooking healthier meals.

I want to add more to my life while caregiving. What do you do for your mental health, self-care, etc?

Tomorrow is the biggest day of my wife’s life -we ultimately find out what stage the breast cancer is at and the treatment plan. I am suspecting it’s already spread to lymph nodes as it’s grade 3 hence the rush to get all the scans and biopsies done in less than a week!

Just feeling like why should this happen to us. She is only in her early 40s. Such an enormous weight on her shoulders.

UPDATE: my dad passed away today, just one week after flying back home. We are through the uncertainty but the grief is paralyzing.

Hi All! It’s been just about a week of flying back home to help caregiver for my father, who has terminal cancer, along with my stepmother. For background, he went into remission three years ago but a new type of cancer (brain) showed up with a force just a few months ago and he’s rapidly deteriorated since then (has spread to his spine, and doctor’s suspect his lungs and lymph nodes too). He has a month or less to live according to his doctor.

It’s absolutely EXHAUSTING, because given the spine cancer, he’s paralyzed from the waist down and bed bound. He also has a feeding tube and catheter, and needs 24/7 care for everything. Luckily we have a night nurse but we are all just so tired during the day. He’s ripped out his feeding tube twice in the last two weeks, prompting a hospital visit and it’s just a lot of work generally. There are lovely yet brief moments of lucidity which I’m grateful for but he’s mostly not there/acts like a child (help, mom, etc). Luckily work has been supportive but I’m honestly a bit overwhelmed and have no idea how to do this for longer. Would love words of support, advice etc. It’s terrible to say but I kind of just want to already come out the other end. This is no way for any of us to live and incredibly heartbreaking to see such a decline of the most impactful person in my life. Never truly realized how much cancer sucks.

My family is heartbroken and don’t know how to navigate through this. She is only 65. She is a strong woman who has lost two husbands, one in the early 2000s to cancer, and another one just a few months ago from organ failure. She has done nothing to deserve this.

She had an MRI done and there was nothing. Then like 1-2 months later, boom, her health declined and her scan showed a mass on her brain the size of a credit card. Stage 4 glioblastoma. My grandmother had brain surgery and they were only able to get so much out. Since then, she’s been getting chemo and radiation but has lost pretty much all mobility on her left side. She’s repeating herself, talking to strangers thinking they’re friends or family, and she’s pretty forgetful. It’s like we’ve lost who she was. We get the real her only for different moments in time.

My mom is her primary caregiver, but myself and the rest of my family try our best to care for her when we can (aside from my mom, me and my siblings work full time jobs).

If there is any advice for myself and my family, any tips or tricks, I think we would really appreciate it.

Thank you.

Last year, my partner was diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer. She had surgery, the margins were clean, and she went on to complete chemotherapy and radiation. She’s decided to start endocrine therapy soon (Tamoxifen) and… I’m anxious about it.

We’ve been together for 10+ years, love each other very much, and were sexually active throughout most of chemo and radiotherapy, with some interuptions due to vaginal dryness (early menopause from the chemo) which was improved with vaginal estrogen.

Health and biology are passions of mine, and when she was diagnosed, I started reading every paper and study I could get my hands on related to cancer and the available treatments. So I have a pretty good idea what (may) be coming.

So my question for anyone that’s been in a similar situation: how did endocrine therapy affect your sex life?

Based on the case studies, Reddit comments (/r/breastcancer), and the fact that between 50-70% of women discontinue endocrine therapy, I’m taking a “hope for the best but expect the worst” approach.

I realize how selfish this is, I’m just not willing to give up sex in my late 30s, possibly permanently. That’s a red line for me, and I’m not sure how to navigate this possibility. I want my partner to live a very long and healthy life, and my happiness and desires are also important. Little is more destructive to a relationship than resentment.

Anyone in the Uk caring for someone with cancer in here?

mom starting radiation soon

my mom has invasive ductal carcinoma, spread to lymph nodes, ER positive, HER2 neg. has a double mastectomy with lymph node removal this coming monday 11/25/24

she is set to start a 6-8 week long radiation therapy 2-3 weeks after surgery. therapy will be mondays through fridays.

she has only had partial response to anastrozole. 9.4cm mass down to 6.4 cm. radiology oncology said they might end up adding a cdk4/6 inhibitor to the anastrozole regimen to help

she is not a chemo candidate due to her poor health already. this is the only way to go at this point

they say it isn’t inflammatory breast cancer. but it mutated to have inflammatory features (which ofc just sounds to me like inflammatory breast cancer. i really don’t personally understand the difference here)

what can I expect in terms of her response and tolerance to the radiation? what side effects can she expect from it? how can i help her get through it?

oncology says as long as it doesn’t spread outside the lymph nodes, her prognosis is good.

but it’s already spread to the lymph nodes in her neck. so naturally, i’m worried.

thanks for reading💗

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for advice on good shoes for my mom (50), who is currently undergoing chemotherapy. She is about to complete her first six treatments (the last one is on December 3rd and after that she gets a small break), and we’re waiting on getting CT scan results back tomorrow or next week to see how things are progressing. Unfortunately, her treatment is palliative, not curative, but we’re trying to make her as comfortable as possible during this time.

For the past few weeks, she’s been struggling with severe joint pain from the chemo and can barely stand or walk without extreme discomfort, so much that she needs to use the wheelchair a lot and it upsets her. The ONLY shoes she finds tolerable are foam slippers I got her last year, which have a thick, soft sole. However, they’re house shoes, not warm enough for winter, and don’t provide enough support for walking outside.

We’ve tried two types of memory foam shoes, but sadly they’re still too hard for her. My siblings and I want to get her something warm, soft, and supportive that will ease her pain. Does anyone have recommendations for shoes that are exceptionally gentle on the feet and good for joint issues? They can be a bit more expensive if necessary, me and my sister would put or money together.

Thank you so much for any suggestions!...I really hope this question isn't out of place here.

Are there charities that we can access? The tv is going, we can’t afford Netflix . All she can do is sit on the couch and watch YouTube,

Also , any state utility help ? Water bill is 600.

Just little things to release stress. I’ve tried the Salvation Army, they only seem interested in donations

Any suggestions are helpful Thanks

We started home hospice for my mom this week. I’m 26 and my mom is 59 dying of uterine cancer with leptomeningeal mets and many many brain mets. She has disease spread through her entire body extensively. My two sisters and i are staying with her and my dad for the time being to help care for her. She can’t walk anymore and is pretty much incontinent and needs lots of help and care. Because of her brain mets she has some cognitive decline which sometimes causes her to be really agitated and mean. She needs care all the time, for everything. Staying at my parents house means that there’s a lot of people here and i don’t get many chances to be alone or just close a door behind me. I miss being home with my cat. I miss not having to deal with cancer in general. It’s just tough and exhausting. I’m exhausted. I feel guilty for wanting it to be over, but i really do. There are really peaceful moments where i’m truly grateful to spend this time with her. But still, cancer is a hideous disease.

Mum was off Pazopanib for a couple of weeks while they were trying to figure out if it was affecting her eyesight. Anyway, today she had a blood test and follow up appointment with her oncologist to restart her on the meds.

As we were discussing the dosage, her doctor gently asked mum if she’d gotten her affairs in order, to which we replied that we have, and that the palliative care team has already informed us of the activation process. Turns out that this is pretty much the last line of defence now, the options remaining to us are few. But we have decided to go full steam ahead, and ramp up straight into the full dose. We’re just monitoring for the side effects, and in 2-3 months we will do the scans and we will find out.

We have nothing left to lose, and if this is our last stand, then I’ll be damned if we don’t make it a glorious one, right to the bitter end, whenever that may be.

In that event, mum and I have agreed that we will activate the home palliative team, and withdraw her from dialysis, so that she can spend her last days at home, surrounded by her loved ones and her beloved kitties. I would rather her fade away in a deep sleep, than watch that thing choke the life out of her.

Wish us luck.

Hello all,

One of my biggest fears came true today. My mom, my best friend and the pillar of our family, got diagnosed with breast cancer. This has hit our family so hard. My mom is 50 and extremely healthy, doesn't smoke, drink, eat junk. She has absolutely no symptoms and this was caught on her yearly mammogram. As of now, it is DCIS grade 3. 2 cm tumor. Negative for progesterone and estrogen. We already met with a surgeon and they are moving fast. They want to get her into surgery already within the next 2 weeks. She will likely have to do radiation after surgery.

An MRI was ordered to really look in there. The doctor said there is a possibility it could be worse than shown on the mammograms, or invasive. I'm scared, l'm broken, I feel guilty. I feel like every bad thing l've ever said or done is coming back to me. I know this isn't my fault but I feel like it is. I've done some research and there really isn't much positive things on the internet about grade 3, negative for hormones cancer. I know it is more likely to come back.

I don't want to lose my mom. I don't want to see the strongest person I know get weak and fragile. Any words of encouragement are appreciated. ❤️‍🩹

My friend was just diagnosed with cancer and lives alone. Luckily she has a lot of great supports in the area but I don’t want her to feel overwhelmed with directing people trying to help out.

Does anyone know of a website or app that can be used similar to a meal train sign up so people can sign up to pick up groceries or help with cleaning?

"Life has a way of testing you, and I’ve lived through storms that would break many. In 2019, I moved in with my girlfriend—we were happy, goofy, and chasing our dreams. By 2020, life threw its first challenge: she couldn’t conceive and was diagnosed with fibroids. With God’s grace and insurance, we made it through, and my mom, ever the caregiver, embraced her like her own daughter. By 2021, we were blessed with a baby boy, and life felt like it was finally coming together.

But in 2022, the storm clouds rolled in. My van was vandalized, my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, and my mom received a stage 4 lung cancer diagnosis—all in the same month. It was chaos, but I had no choice but to step into the caregiver role. My family helped with Mom while I focused on my wife, but chemo took its toll, and she lost her job. I worked tirelessly to keep us afloat.

By 2023, I lost my job too, and life hit rock bottom. Desperate, I went to the city to look for work, only to return to an empty home—she had left for her village. Heartbroken, I kept supporting her and our son with whatever I could manage.

In 2024, I found a modest job to make ends meet, but her battle wasn’t over—she needed a mastectomy. I borrowed, begged, and sank into debt to ensure she got the care she needed because, no matter what, I couldn’t let my son grow up without his mother.

Today, I’m still carrying the weight of that debt, but I’m rebuilding my life one step at a time. My son is my world, and I’ve learned that being a caregiver isn’t just about providing—it’s about giving all you have, even when there’s nothing left. Life is unforgiving, but strength is found in rising every time you fall. The storms may rage, but the sun always returns."

My father had a lump near his shoulder blade, in a lymph node, which got diagnosed as being a poorly differentiated metastatic carcinoma. Upon investigation, we found out that his right lung is affected and the cancer has metastasized in his vertebral column and hip bone as well. On looking at the PET Scan, the doctor ruled out surgery and radiation therapy today. We have an appointment with a lung and thoracic cancer specialist day after tomorrow.

I am an only child and lost my mother at the age of 7 and dad has been my mother as well as father for the last 20-21 years. I am having a hard time understanding and processing all this

Any advice, any feedback, any suggestions or any tips at all are more than welcome.