Just wanted to vent a little bit I guess. My dad is 65 and I'm 30, 2 years ago I took over caregiving for my younger sibling with schizophrenia and cognitive disabilities which put her at the mental age of around 5 or 6. We lived somewhere that was pretty cheap and she receives funding which at the time was able to cover rent and some groceries. The landlord decided to sell so we had to leave and move back home with Dad for about half a year. At that point he wanted us out because he got a girlfriend so we moved into the only place I could find which is way more expensive than our previous place. Our country is getting extremely expensive, rent is out of control and groceries have inflated immensely so even though I have a pretty flexible job that pays pretty well bills are eating us alive, and having to prioritize what to pay is destroying my credit. I have an associate's degree in UI/UX Design but have no connections and struggle to sell myself beyond infrequent commissions. Unfortunately I'm pretty much a failure to launch situation, I got diagnosed about a year ago with ADHD that in hindsight it's pretty obvious I've always had but it was overlooked because my sister's disabilities were much more pronounced. It explains but obviously doesn't excuse why I struggle so much with anxiety and keeping things organized and I job hop all the time. The medication I need to manage it is more per month than my phone, internet, and hydro bills combined so unfortunately it stays unmanaged. She has violent tantrums about once a month and I worry about her damaging our rental unit, but the list she's on for behavioural support is months/years. I'm in a constant spiral of shame and anxiety. It's ruining my life and I feel like I'm tanking both of our lives. Anyone else burnt the hell out? Thanks for reading if you made it this far lol!

A couple months ago my fiance had spinal surgery, and the result left her with no sensation in her lowered torso in places to where she had to relearn to walk because she cannot feel her feet, and loss of sensation in her bowels means she does not know that she is going to the bathroom. She was making progress in a rehab facility but the insurance only covered her for so long before discharging her to skilled nursing and now the insurance ran out on that and she's come home to live with me. Trying to get her on a routine to where she's using the bedside commode is an ordeal that usually takes an hour after repeated efforts to clean her up, only to have to repeat the process when she starts pooping again when we're getting her settled back in bed. It is just me caring for her alone as she was supposed to get visits from a home health aide but they are all booked up in our county, and can't even spare anyone to come do physical therapy with her. I'm having great difficulty masking my disgust and weariness, and on top of that I have extreme anxieties about all the time I have to leave her alone here at the house because I have to work to support us both. She's suffered real PTSD over this, and is in the lowest State of mind and does not want to live. I am at the end of my rope.

So my wife and I agreed to take care of her grandmother. Grandma and my wife’s dad went in on a nice house on a lake and it’s beautiful and we like it here. One of grams sons and wife were going to take care of her here and when grandma passed it was to be willed to them. Well they decided not to move here so my wife and I decided to take care of her. Problem is now that we are taking care of her we are not being willed the house and we are actually having to pay 500$ of the mortgage. I work construction but we still struggle with bills. when I’m not working the wife and I take care of her full time, and it’s a bit of a task because she is really spoiled and hard to please. She is getting dementia and it’s a full time plus job taking care of her. Because we are the blacksheep of the family we feel like we are being taken advantage of. What should we do? How much would it cost if they had to pay for care? Shouldn’t we be compensated for all the hard work we put in. None of her kids have come over to visit or help. Basically it seems that if she passes my wife and I would be out on the street because the house is to be sold and the money split between all 5 of her kids. Any kind of help or answers would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Hey y'all. I've recently begun caring for 93 year old grandmother. Recently we've encountered a drastic change to her sleep schedule. She will sleep pretty solidly through the day to the point where she cannot be roused (I've tried; old gal is absolutely lost in the sauce when I try to wake her for her DALs), but she's up, and down through the night. I'm of the opinion to just let sleep when she wants to sleep, but family is on opposite end of that spectrum, and believes she NEEDS to return to a regular sleep schedule. Does any one have any tips for maintaining good sleep hygiene at this age? Should he we just let her sleep when she wants to?

Writing this is hard to do. My family has made it clear not to do this. But since my grandmother passed, I need this. I have never known my own father, so my grandfather raised me as his own my entire life. Now that he isn't doing well. Hid kids who are hardly around want to take control of his life. Why not just want him to get better? I don't understand, outside of them wanting control.

My 64-year-old mom lives with my 82-year-old grandma, several states away. Unfortunately, my mom has mental and health issues stemming from lifelong drug use. She’s unable to work or live alone. She has been staying with my grandma for over a decade, but now, due to my grandma's declining memory, my grandma won’t be able to care for my mom much longer. My mom’s caregiving will likely fall on me. I have two siblings - one deployed and another 8 hours away.

The prospect of taking on this role is causing me a lot of anxiety and concern. It would mean a drastic change in my life, including finding a new living arrangement since my current place isn't suitable for my mom. What's more, I would be facing this challenge alone, as my family is not within an 8-hour distance from me.

My mom's situation adds to the complexity. She can't be left alone for long periods as she tends to leave stove burners on and makes risky decisions. It's also emotionally difficult because my mom wasn't an active parent due to her addiction, and she still doesn't really know any of her kids to this day.

Financially, my mom has a small savings and receives her late husband's SSI benefits, which isn’t much.

I’m overwhelmed with the thought of being her caregiver. I’m single, no family nearby, have a teenager with high functioning autism with therapy commitment’s, etc and I have a high stress full time job.

I feel like I’ll be losing my freedom. My mom doesn’t like to leave the house and can’t be left alone for very long. Planning vacations will be a challenge.

Looking for advice. Should I take this on? Push back and insist on help from siblings?

Anyone know of resources available in California to help step in when I need to be away?

Hi everyone, I (27F) been caregiving for a 94f woman for the past few months. She lives alone in a huge house . I live in California. It’s been okay pay, at $22 an hour for 5 hours a day (coming to help with breakfast and dinner) which I basically have to do 7 days a week because she has no children or other people to really help her. I feel bad when I leave because she has been wetting the bed like crazy at night and it’s just always a drama when I show up in the morning and have to do a whole load of laundry and wash her clothes, help her change, get breakfast ready etc.

I’ve been getting so burnt out- maybe it’s because I have another job with kids afterschool 3x a week in addition, but all the driving around to get to her house twice a day is exhausting. Not to mention the fact that I run errands for her and do all the dishes. I’m so tired.

Her stepson offered for me to live with her for free rent, but wants to keep the same weekly pay of $700 (I’m asking for 800 because she for sure eats $100 of food every week-she loves fruit and meat). Is this a fair deal? If I was to live with her (have my own room and bathroom) it’s all done under her rules, I can’t have any one over, it’s all her personal decorations and I’m just reeling on this decision. On one hand 800 a week and free rent sounds like a good deal but in reality having limited freedoms, dealing with any issue she has on a 24 hour basis since I’ll be living there seems like 800 isn’t actually fair. I’m so anxious about this whole thing it’s literally making me sick. Like I can’t decide if I want to give up my life basically to live under her house and save some money or on the other hand stay as it is with driving around 1 hour a day and only making 100 from it (5 hours) and paying over 1000 for my room. Or I could get a real job and work full time and make like 1000 a week and be moving forward in my career. I don’t want to be a caregiver, I would ideally like to be a teacher.

What is a good option? I want to go back to school so I could keep doing the ‘5 hours’ a day and take classes in the daytime and sleep at the house, I’m just worried I’m gonna go crazy. She loves Fox News and I hate that shit. Basically, would 800 a week be a fair payment for me to live with her and essentially be on call? The stepson would say it’s free rent but honestly the cost is my freedom. I’m so anxious about this please help.

My great grandma has rly bad alzheimers and she does not communicate with the environment anymore. She was lately diagnosed with a rly bad UTI and she needs rly strong antibiotics which she us refusing to take. Do you guys have any trick? Talking to her is not an option

I've posted on in subs but I didn't get a lot of advice
WIBTA if I refuse to help my mom take care of my great grandmother for context I (21) f have an 80 year old great grandmother who's coming to move down the east coast because she is starting to have a lot of problems getting around

A few months ago my mom told me that she NEEDS me and my boyfriend (23) to move in with her or help out AT LEAST 2 TIMES A WEEK because she's going to take care of her and NEEDS my help to take care of her

see she lives 10 minutes away from where we live, no problem right, WRONG she is going to move two hours away and EXPECTS my boyfriend to drive 2 hours there and two hours back ( I don't have my license yet) after work. He also uses his car work so that would be a lot more wear and tear on his car

we live with his mom and we help her out since she had to take in his niece and nephew and on top of that my boyfriend works manual labor and he leaves at 3 to 4 in the morning and doesn't get done till between 1 and 4, and we help out his brother( who lives on the same property but a different house) with his dogs by taking them out and checking up on them because one has cancer

For context I have a 7 year old chihuahua( we got him at 3 months old) that was originally gonna be a family pet but he just picked me and wanted to be with me and over time he just devolved an attachment to me and when I moved out in December 2019 he didn't take it well and then around Easter 2020 I took him for a weekend and and then a couple months later my moms apartment building that she lived in at the time had a fire on the third floor and she asked me to take him for a like week and I did. When it came time to for me to have to drop him off since I live in my boyfriends moms house and she's not a big fan of dogs (from prior incidents) but she still allowed him to be there and every time I called her at first she would make excuses and then eventually it turned into her saying that she was gonna get rid of him if I brought him back and that was the last straw and my boyfriend had to call his mom to tell her what had just happened and I was crying really bad and she's was willing to let him stay because she knows how much I love him so he's still here happy and healthy and has been spoiled with lots of love, treats, toys ( he even has a bb subscription), and he even has a cat best friend now ( yes you read that right) THEY ARE INSPERTABLE EVEYTIME THEY ARE TOGHER ( she a little inside/outside cat now since he has been here) so yea he basically got dumped on me also when that all happened we had no money but we found a way to be able to afford for him

I am also getting my GED so we cant move in with her because we have everything set where we live right now, so my brother (24) is going to move in with her (he just got his nurses license) so he the best fit to help take care of her

everyone had discussed everything without me knowing or asking me first they just told me that I am going to do it and I had no say even though I am a adult and have stuff I'm already doing and worse of all before they told me they told my great grandmother that I am going to be living with her and she is very excited about it before they even told me anything about it.

She is currently in my grandfather(her son) care. he is in his( 60s) and doesn't want to take care of her and just live his life, and he just doesn't want to move. Now here's why he was originally thinking about moving down and he was about to be set on it but then he met Janice and threw everything out and to be honest I don't know I feel about the relationship and I will explain. My grandfather was married to grandmother up until a couple of years ago when she unexpectedly passed( they had been together since they were like 13/14)

My mom has a thing of kind of being a manipulator, So when we had gotten the phone call she and my brother immediately drove up back to our hometown and I didn't go because I just wasn't in state to go at the time and the whole time until I got up there ( I flew in few days after they left) they had berated me, called me selfish, they has said so many many hurtful things to me and my mom kept saying I need to get on the next flight and get up there and be there for my grandfather. I would like to clarify that I did not have the funds to go up there and get back home in case they pulled some bad shit and I almost did leave a few times before the funeral because they were just yelling and belittling me the whole time and it.

my mom paid for just a one way trip up there when I said I wanted a round trip and my mom said we will just buy another ticket when it's time ( she didn't buy me a plane ticket back) I ended up finding a ticket home for 5 am the morning after the funeral ( I had to buy right after the funeral ended because my mom wouldn't tell me when it was before hand and I think she knew when it was from the start)

so I asked my mom if she could drive me and she originally said yes to driving me but then a hour later tried to make excuses why she can't like the road might be icy, my plane might get canceled and I might get stranded at the airport but I think she forgot I could hear them downstairs saying she should lie to me or just say she saw it said my plane got canceled so she told me I said I can check on the app and I showed her and she didn't say anything but she couldn't drive me and I should just drive back with her

so my boyfriend had to spend like $130 plus tip on a Uber ride ( we tipped the Uber person really good for driving me at 3 am) for me to get to the airport and guess what my plane was on time and we had to DUMP LITERALLY ALL THE MONEY WE HAD SAVED SAVED TO GET ME HOME ( we had like $300-$400( yea that how it much it basically costed to get me home)).

Another time back in 2019 she sent me back to my hometown because my grandparents had some stuff going on and "needed" my help and that my grandparents are getting too old ( they didn't need my help. (shocker)) my brother also went up there too with me and he left a week after we arrived and stayed for a month. this was in the summer of 2019 and I begged and begged to come back home because I wanted to hangout with my boyfriend and she kept telling me no and to go hangout with people that I haven't seen/talked to since I was 14 ( so 5 years no contact) and then eventually she let come home and the reason she did that was because she didn't want me spending my whole summer break with my boyfriend. So you kind of get the picture of how my family can be.

So now my mom keeps on changing when she wants me to help out. Softer the whole 2 times a week didn't work she tried to say " I'm only gonna need it once a week and then only when there are doctor appointments. my response has been we will see and then she would saw you need to see her and I would reply I am gonna drive down to see her, and worst of all my family is acting like it's not a big deal driving 2 hours there and back and I have a feeling if i straight up say no I am not I have a big gut feeling that they will all get mad and day why are you doing this to your family your mom needs your help and you are doing this to her but maybe if I tell them why and i want to tell them before the end of march so reddit be my savior and tell me what to do

Hello Im looking for advice about how to become my soon to be mother in laws caregiver. She has been diagnosed with a few terminal conditions and needs someone to help out since she keeps up with all her own doctors and records, it has become too much for her and she has agreed for me to become hers caregiver. We talked to a social worker at looking at resources and they have yet to contact us back and I'm looking at advice on how to sign up somewhere to get paid to become her full time caregiver. We already live together however, I do not currently own a car and have been trying save up for one (money is a bit tight since I left my previous job to move in and help my partner with his mother), my partner works full time so the only car we have is not at my disposal. Everything else I can provide, I do not have any previous medical/nurse training under my belt but I have been keeping track of all her medicines and what time she needs to take certain things and why, talked to her doctors with her permission and have a folder with lists of all doctors/ medicines and conditions. All this to say I have all that I need to know with her to become a personal caregiver except a car at the moment and advice on where to go to apply to become her full time caregiver.

I reside in the state of Georgia if this helps any at all.

Hi all. I’m looking for advice or to chat w/ anyone in a similar situation & please be kind as I also found out I have cancer. I live out of state from my parents & brother. Parents in their 80s. My bro has always lived w/ them as he’s disabled due to schizophrenia but very stable & higher functioning. However, he has a new medical issue & it’s affecting his ability to fully cater to my parents who are stubborn, won’t listen, & have multiple medical issues. Mom has early dementia & Parkinson’s. Dad keeps falling due to a multi factorial gait disorder. Their house is filthy, falling apart as they never kept up with maintenance, & they have also become hoarders. They refuse to let any outsiders in. My husband & I want to just move them all in with us but they are not budging. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to start. I was thinking of getting one of those large dumpsters & start clearing out their house. Then trying to sell it. If they truly don’t want to leave their home state, perhaps finding them a condo & making them get home health assistance. Of course this would involve me taking FMLA From my job, affecting my income, & dealing with this new cancer diagnosis. Help! Thank you.

I've been a caregiver/QMAP for ten years now. I love my job, but I am so tired. I'm working on my CNA, but honestly, I'm not sure I can do this forever. I want to make a bigger difference. I love working with the elderly and I love being a part of making their lives happier and brighter. I don't have an education. I had a rough childhood and did not and do not have the money to go back to school at the moment, but I have a lot of experience and passion, and I'm desperately seeking a step up in a field where people are barely treated as human. I want to make a difference for the elderly and for employees like myself. Can anyone offer me any job ideas? Any places to apply?...Or even just some success stories to lift my spirits would be lovely.

I’ve been fighting with my LO a lot. And I feel like a horrible person. I’ve asked them to please not call me every 5 min and if it’s not an emergency to please just text what they need. Especially if I am making them dinner or cleaning up things they’ve dropped or washing urine soaked things. Tasks that require at least a short amount of my undivided attention.

But then I feel bad seeing them struggle and I give in bc it feels like if they can’t do it themselves, I guess it is actually an emergency? LO dropped a fork when laying back in the recliner to eat a snack (I asked them to please sit up when eating) and started yelling. I had to clean food up all over the floor and chair. I had just sat down for five minutes rest.

I feel horrible arguing and I raised my voice bc I felt like LO was just staright up ignoring what I said I needed from them. It felt intentional. There were also some nasty comments this am about how I don’t have a real career and it’s my own fault im unmarried without children. They also walked all over a boundary I set the other day and when I bring it up I get a blank stare.

I so badly want to reach out and say “hey I just need the night off to reset myself” but there isn’t anyone. I’ve tried to find a paid caregiver but so far a lot are flakes and my LO won’t spend her money unless it’s a lower hourly rate.

I’ve turned into a nasty miserable person over the course of the last 7 days and I know this is not actually me or how i feel about my LO. They have no real retirement and have made no plans for this part of life. I guess I was the plan.

My Dad (79) has always been remarkably hearty for his age, so much so that I've been in denial about what a mess caring for him is going to be. He lives alone on our rural family property, and I usually visit a couple of times a month to help with some of the ranch work. (I live about two hours away.) Well, last week he was hit with severe sciatic nerve pain and was unable to do almost anything. I've never seen him so incapacitated. He relies on wood heat and has several animals to care for and he's one of those stubborn old dudes who just pushes himself way too hard when he really doesn't need to. Plus, he's mean. Trying to help him last week opened up all these old emotional wounds. I'm basically looking at this situation and seeing all the crap that's coming next: Moving to be closer to him and upending up my whole life, dealing with his verbal abuse, protecting him from my drug addict brothers. I was a caregiver for my mother and my grandmother, who both passed within a few months of their diagnoses. It was really hard, and I am dreading doing it again. I have no idea what the situation with my dad is going to be. It could be years. I know I'm catastrophizing a little. I just wonder if anyone here has been through something similar, and if you have what do you wish you had done at the very beginning? Thank you. <3

I worked as a caregiver for a dementia patient for the last three years. She passed away 2 days after Christmas 2023. I didn't think her death would impact me. I stopped drinking when my ex bfs father fired from liver cirrhosis and he died from alcoholism. I don't have any problems with drinking but his passing impacted me in a way. I eliminated alcohol from my life. Now this is the second death in my life and I just don't think I can work for another patient knowing they will die. I mean I know everyone dies but the guilt. If anyone's a caregiver. You understand. I'm sitting in a Starbucks waiting for a job interview. What do you guys think.

I have a half-sister from my father's previous marriage. She has lived with her mother in PA for decades, with occasional visits to my family when I was a child. I have essentially no relationship with her. She has some kind of cognitive impairment or disability, but (and this blows my mind) my father and his ex-wife have never gotten a medical diagnosis for her, so I don't know exactly what it is. He confidently states that she cannot live on her own, would not be able to cook for herself, would not be able to pay bills, etc. She talks very slowly and with a speech impediment, and has always seemed (for lack of a better word) childlike, but beyond that I do not personally have enough experience interacting with her to have more details.

My half-sister is now in her 50s. My father is approaching 80 and his health is declining. His ex-wife is also approaching 80. I don't know how her health is -- I have no direct contact with her. I want to start planning for my half-sister outliving her mother and my father. But I'm overwhelmed, not sure where to start. I expect my father to die within the next year or two, and someday my father's ex-wife will die or otherwise be unable to care for her anymore, and if I don't figure this out, my half-sister will suddenly be alone for the first time in her life with no idea how to live by herself, and I'll have responsibility for her without being prepared.

Some questions swirling around my mind:

• Should I try to get in contact with his ex-wife?
• What if my half-sister doesn't want to leave her home? (Understandably, since it is all she has known for decades.)
• Should I focus my efforts on advocating for getting her diagnosed? I keep coming back to this lack of knowledge -- what exactly is her impairment? With a diagnosis, would that open up legal avenues for guardianship? Without one, she is a regular adult as far as the govenrment is concerned, right?
• My father has always told me he does not think she should live with me, that she is very hard to live with and care for. He believes it would be best for her to live in an assisted living facility after his ex-wife is no longer able to care for her, but this brings me back to wondering, what if she doesn't want to go?

Any advice appreciated...

I'm posting this for my spouse. Spouse is from South America, but has been living in US for 15+ years and is a citizen. Spouse's sister moved in with us a couple years ago. She is a massive hypochondriac, has many mental health disorders, has some real chronic issues as well, but most of the problems are mental health. Spouse is early 50's and her sister is late 40's. Sister won't work, work on her english, her mental health, or really do anything at all. Sister's husband is divorcing her. Sister won't do anything to ensure fair distribution of assets from divorce. All she does is slink around the house and spend my spouses money. My spouse's own mental health is now deteriorating due to the presence of her sister. I'm trying to find caregiver counseling resources for my spouse. Other siblings will not help. The sister's parents will not help. We are considering having her go back to South America, but it's all the same problems there, minus the language issue.

Hi all, a few months ago I took up a part time gig of staying overnight a few nights a week watching my grandma. I get paid by check and it’s 480 dollars a week 9 times out of 10 (sometimes I go over there earlier) the check comes from my uncle as he is paying for her to be cared for by me and various other people. Is this taxable income? Do I let my tax person know when I go in to file my taxes soon?

I am a M 19 and I am starting in a new job as a Care giver, I am scared of my job since my family keep telling me it’s the worst job and that I’ll probably end up in jail for not taking good care of my patient, what do you think should I regret my decision?

So been here a while and love my family and go above and beyond for them especially the extended family.. It makes my patient happy to see her kids so I buy cookies, cakes, and specialty teas to greet them.. So today I gave a shower and towel dried her hair as she doesn't like the towel on her head she likes my hair wrap towel so I put it on after she sits down in her chair. So everything's fine till I'm sitting her down and her daughter starts screaming that I'm going to give her pneumonia and that I need to blow dry her hair before getting out I said ok and continued to help my patient get comfortable, well apparently I disrespected her somehow because she started yelling and saying I don't pay you for this and blah blah blah.. So I asked to please respect me and not yell at me and that angered her more so I hid in the bathroom and called my boss who took me to safety upstairs and said just ignore her and made some excuses for her behavior.. So then she wants me to pack her a bag because I'm such a terrible nurse she needs to take her away from me.. So I do as I'm told and start packing up her stuff and she comes in and literally dumps everything out and tells me she doesn't like any of it so I stood up and walked away because I was done and said it's ok when you're done let me know so I went to pack her other things and she yells at me there too so I just walked away as she was screaming I'm a stupid dumb lady!! My boss says it's ok but idk that was just scary and unnecessary.. I don't want to quit and separating from my lady would bring me a giant heartache as I love her 💔

Hi, I’m not yet a caregiver, but my family has asked me to start for my grandma, for about 2 years now. I have thought on it and I have told them I am not comfortable with changing her. My dad is the one who asks most and he says he could never do it, but says I’ll get used to it over time. I don’t even like thinking about doing that it makes me feel uncomfortable. It also makes me feel bad that I feel that way though. I’m wondering is it as bad as I think it is? Any tips to make it easier if I decide to go through with it?

Hey there, I just discovered this sub and I’m looking for advice.

(TLDR: Dad is diabetic and early cognitive memory impairment, and uses a cane. He’s moving to Assisted Living near me this weekend. Mom is in the picture and drives, and will be moving close by too, and visiting him every day, or at least 6 days a week. Any tips are welcome! Thank you in advance!)

My mom has been caregiving for my dad as his needs have slowly increased over the years. They need to downsize from a house with stairs, all the bedrooms and both showers are upstairs, and she is just so tired and he’s stubborn. She’s very able still, but she’s not in her 50’s anymore and has a heart condition. Her blood pressure has been so high this past year as she’s stressed out.

He used to be very disciplined with diet and exercise (was a hiker and cyclist) and had oral meds only controlling his diabetes for 40 years. But 18 months ago, due to early stage cognitive issues, he stopped using his glucometer. She didn’t pick up the ball until a few months ago. Now he just started needing insulin and we want to work hard to get him off of it.

She reached a breaking point a few weeks ago and we are moving him into assisted living this weekend. It’s only 11 mins from my house, and my mom will sell their house and by a small house within 20 minute drive. It’s lovely and the staff turnover rate is low. We really think this will be a good fit, and they have memory care if needed down the road. It smells good there, the residents seem happy, even the memory care patients. We had some good conversations with them, with the activities coordinator, etc.

We toured more than once, the staff has had tons of consults with me, my mom and my siblings. They are confident that they can get him off the insulin and manage this and encourage him to take care of himself so he can enjoy outings with the community and with us.

My mom will be visiting him everyday, and this Assisted Living Community allows her to come anytime, stay overnight if they want, etc, and not charge any extra unless she has meals in the dining room, that would be like eating in a restaurant where you go all the time. Again, she’s going to have her own house, but it’s nice to have the option if they miss each other.

She is very social, much more than he is. But he loves to be in social groups once she has done the work of making the connections, making the plans, etc. (until recently, they have a weekly cards group at their house)

Any advice before moving him in?

Also, I’ll be my parents’ only local person when they move here.

Any advice for helping them get acclimated and supporting my mom emotionally as she shifts from full-time caregiver (‘nurse’, cook, housekeeper, driver, secretary & wife), to just his wife, companion and sometimes driver (outings).

I am looking forward to getting him settled in enough that my family (including his grandkids) can visit and take him out to the park, and the movies, or wherever, and have no drama taking him back to the community where he’ll live.

All he knows so far is that they are moving to our area, and he needs to get more intensive care to get him off the insulin. He has to cooperate so he can maintain his physical health. He also knows they have an appointment as a place that can rehabilitate his diabetes and he might need to stay overnight there for a while.

The good thing is. He doesn’t drive or have access to money anymore. He knows he can’t be 100% independent and my mom’s health is suffering because of caring for him right now. (But we know she will bounce back once she gets some rest. She’s sad to choose this, and to move from the bigger house, but she has old knees and doesn’t want anymore stairs either, and is looking forward to a fresh start and shopping for a new house, and making new friends in the AL community, in her new neighborhood, etc.)

So that’s what he’s accepted so far, but I think if he finds out this is a permanent solution, he’s going to be upset, at least for a while.

Wow, I’m glad my mom is still very capable to take care of herself (5-10 years from now that could change), and I’m glad I have a supportive spouse and 2 supportive siblings, but none of us have done this before, and my siblings will be 2 hours away after this move in weekend, except for visits.

My mom alleges her caregivers are missing doses, but I have no way to know if that’s true because she also has dementia.

Is there an app where I can program her medicine schedule, and the live in caregivers can mark when they give her a medication?

TL; DNR

How do my sister and I get my very stubborn Mother (with dementia) into an appropriate situation for her at a distance without involving protective services who may lay hold of her (substantial) assets?

In depth:

I am looking for advice in caring for/dealing with my Mother who has dementia when I live very far away. She is in NY and I am in FL. My sister is in MA.

Mother is 88. She has been having cognitive issues for many years now. She sought out a neurologist early last year and went back for a repeat visit this Fall. I have heard conflicting reports (from her and my sister) as to what the neurologist actually said and what her actual diagnosis is. My Mother called me after the most recent appointment to tell me she had had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and had been started on Donepezil. However, when I spoke with my Sister the next day, she said that my Mother had told her a different story and that she was at risk for Alzheimer’s but wasn’t actually diagnosed with it yet. Now my Mother is insisting that she wasn’t actually diagnosed Alzheimer's although she remains consistent on the Donepezil story.

I don’t know how important an actual diagnosis is with regards to getting services and setting up care for her. Is it important?

In any case, I am pretty pretty sure she has Alzheimer’s or some kind of dementia. She is clearly past the “where did I put my keys?” and into the “what’s this weirdly shaped metal thing for?“ territory. She told me that, when she tried to sing a hymn a church, she didn’t know where she was supposed to start singing. She could see that there was a lot of music on the page, but didn’t know where the beginning was (you know, the top left and all that). That is NOT normal.

More importantly she is getting lost when she drives. A neighbor found her and had to take her home the other day because she had just given up. Said neighbor called my sister and chewed her out over the phone. Of course, now Mother denies that this ever occurred.

So, my sister and I would like to get her the help she needs, but have no idea how to go about it. Neither of us live close and neither one of us can move. My sister lives closer than I do (a four hour drive). I live two days away by car.

My Mother has always been incredibly controlling and subborn. And she still is. She has resisted all offers of help from us over the years. She has refused to move into assisted living, to sell her house (a large, beautiful home is falling into disrepair), to stop driving, to move closer to one of us, to declutter her house, to have someone come in and help. She has refused ev-er-y-thing for years.

My sister has been in much closer contact with her than I am, but she is throwing uo her hands and asking me to help her. I am thinking: Me?!?! If you can’t handle this, how am I supposed to?

My sister is worried about two things:

1. that my Mother is a danger not just to herself, but also to her husband, who is disabled and almost entirely dependent on her as well as to the public at large (driving issues).

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2. that protective services will get involved and take over her (substantial) assets. In other words, my sister wants to take care of the situation (from a distance) while making sure that our family’s assets will remain in our family and not be taken over by some third party guardianship. If you have ever seen the film “I care a lot” you will know what I am talking about.

So, how do we force her to accept what she needs while not getting official protective servicds involved?

I have already called her neurologist‘s office (where she was diagnosed … or not quite yet diagnose) and left a message with the nurse asking about the diagnosis and about possible resources. I have not heard back from them.

My family uses 24/7 home caregivers for an elderly parent.

This is a vent that is directed only at a few particular individuals. It's not directed at caregivers generally. Caregivers generally are kind, caring people, and we value them greatly.

I'm sick of lazy caregivers who don't even do the minimum. Again, this is just a few individuals, not all caregivers.

We have notes on each entrance/exit door to the house, on the kitchen table, and on the refrigerator:

1. Please bring the newspapers to our parent every day. They come around noon and are usually left on the front porch.
2. Please do not park in the middle of the driveway, since that blocks us when we come and go. Please park on the street or at the end of the driveway.

These are simple instructions, and they're clear.

Yet again, I arrive at home. A stack of newspapers is on the front porch, and there is a caregiver car blocking the middle of the driveway (so I can't drive to the garage).

And the caregiver is sitting there, playing with their phone.

This caregiver was about to be evicted from their home due to nonpayment of rent, and the caregiver was sobbing about it, so my family wrote a $4500 check to the landlord, allowing the caregiver to keep their home. Is it too much to ask in return that the caregiver follow 2 simple rules that are displayed multiple places around the house?

I've noticed with that if the rules above aren't followed, then the substantive caregiving needs aren't being followed either (such as giving medication, turning the parent in bed, etc.).

I have HAD IT.

Need advice on 88 yo who thinks they need knee replacement. Doctor was consulted 4 years ago who suggested tylenol and PT first. Patient didn't use either. Now wants the surgery but is completely inactive and sedentary. Is unlikely to do PT first. Would they even approve such for a difficult knee surgery? Is it even considered at this age? TIA!

My 71yo dad has heart problems (including unstable angina), constant severe headaches, depression, doesn't cook, and doesn't manage housework and finances at all well.

He can walk around, mow the lawn in sections, and do all his own personal care easily.
I moved in with him a year ago and he is much healthier since he now has cooked meals everyday, a clean house, medications on time, and other support.

My dad is a wonderful person and I'm grateful to get to spend so much time with him but I'm only 26 and feel as though im not doing what I would be if he was a bit younger and more self sufficient. I work just part time so that I can help him more so am unable to save as much as I had hoped I would at my age, and we are in a small town which I wouldn't choose to be in otherwise (I'm unable to use my university degree here and I'm probably less likely to find a partner/have a family).

Dad is able to get around and do all his personal care himself so other than cooking, housework, shopping, and helping to organise his life admin, i suppose he doesn't NEED me there. I'm guessing that it certainly isn't enough to count as "full time care" that would qualify me for a carer benefit of any sort. I suppose because everything he doesn't do (cook, clean, take meds etc) he could physically manage but DOESN'T (or can't due to his pain).

He's very intelligent and lovely to talk to and looks 10 years younger than he is so to outsiders looks like someone not in need of support. So others tell me to go live my own life but i would feel terrible leaving him now that he enjoys his life so much more with me here. I worry about his physical health, living conditions, and mental health when I'm not here. My siblings all have their own families and careers so are unable to help.

This is less of a question and more reaching out to see if others are in a similar situation or have advice.

Hello, I need to find a source for frozen food, decent quality, small portions, to heat in an oven. Heat and serve, as quick and simple as possible. I am aware of catering companies such as MacKenzies and Chesapeake Bay, and I am interested in any such a company, for online-ordering food. Cost is an issue but I want to know every option nonetheless.

These are the foods I am looking for:

crab cakes

breaded fish fillets (I know I could get a box of Gorton's but perhaps there is a better source )

scallops

chicken breast entree

soft shell crabs

bacon and scrambled egg breakfast (small heat and eat portions, any format, like little egg/bacon bites)

Indian, Thai, world cuisine etc.

Finger food is OK. Small entrees are OK. Party-style is OK. It just needs to be as simple to prepare as possible.

PLUS any suggestion for ANY excellent online-order frozen food purveyor/caterer.

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Again, this is for reheating in an oven, no microwave-only.

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Thank you for any advice!!!!!