I have a daughter turning 3 next month & she has been in the very long, dreadful process of being adopted. There are so many reasons why I decided to have her adopted, and so far the people in my life have been supportive of my decision. Anyway, I got news recently that the adoption could be finalized within the next month or so, and it’s taken a huge toll on me. The family I chose for her has been so kind, always sending me pictures and arranging facetime meetings every now and then. Their home study was amazing, and I was able to spend my daughter’s 2nd birthday with them last year. I’m so unbelievably lucky to have found such a loving family for my daughter. With all that being said, I still feel so guilty for giving her up. I know I made the right choice with the right family, but that guilt is still there. It hurts so much. I don’t know, I guess I just needed to vent a little but even then, no matter how much I vent that pain will still be there.

I am hoping this is the right place and if is not, I would love to be pointed in the right direction.

I have recently reunited with my 2 daughters that are 24 and 21. They were both adopted at birth by different families. They found each other first about a year ago and have been slowly developing their relationship which is flourishing now.

The younger daughter reached out to me last July ( the older daughter had my information as she had reached out to my mother on 23& me when she was 18- she messaged my mom a couple of times but never with me).

Since reaching out the younger daughter and I have begun a relationship with myself and my wife and 9 and 7 y/o daughters. Everything is going very well but we are both starting to feel the emotions after the initial honeymoon phase.

We have talked a bit about out fears, hopes etc and seem to be aligned and both understand it is going to take work to create a real relationship. I have started therapy and she is looking to start as well. We both thought it would be easy and jumped in the deep end of the pool so to speak!

She was raised by just her adopted mom and a friend of her mom she calls her grandma- I believe she is wanting a true father daughter relationship.

I just want to see if anyone has any advice on how to navigate this difficult time of dealing with these emotions for both her and I and how to make sure I do not create an unhealthy relationship.

I would like similar advice on the other older daughter. The story with her is that about 2 months ago she finally reached out. She is much more guarded but we do text every day or 2 and have spoken on the phone a couple of times for extended amounts of time. She has mentioned being excited and happy about reuniting with me and my daughters (but not ready to engage with them yet).

She has also begun therapy and is open about her feelings and her life. I feel with her things will happen more slowly and I am unsure about what her wishes are for what she wants for our ultimate relationship will look like as she has an adopted mom and dad.

The bio mom has been contacted by both of them and they at this point have decided against pursuing a relationship with her or her other children.

First and foremost I want them to be happy and respect their emotions, families, lives etc.

I badly want them both in my life and would appreciate anyone that has any advice how to successfully navigate this situation.

Thank you to anyone that read all of this!!

My life has been centered around kids, especially after doctors told me I wasn't going to be able to have any of my own, everyone always told me how great of a mom I'd be, so I decided then that my purpose was to make a positive impact that will better a child's life, no matter how big or small. Until now.. About 2 years ago I got pregnant, scared of seeing another negative test, I ignored all the signs until I couldn't hide it anymore. 32 weeks in, I was homeless, unemployed, and didn't have much of a support system. I ended up placing the child for adoption with an amazing couple who suffered long and hard with infertility. They are so grateful and blessed by the child and love and honor me. But me on the other hand, feel lost. Not only because of the grief of not being able to hold her or her her giggles or care for her, but my identity is gone. I can't even go to the grocery store without breaking down because of seeing other women with their kids. My heart shatters. Something that used to be my everything is now my nothing. What do I do? (Yes, I'm working with a professional already)

Today is the anniversary of my sons adoption day. He was so young. I miss him dreadfully. His adoptive parents are supposed to write once a year and for the last two years they've failed to do so. I finally got a loletter a few weeks ago and it's all been too much. It hasn't gotten any easier. Today I will be kind to myself, about to do some yoga and then go for a long walk and get a vanilla chai. It's cold but sunny so that's nice. It's a rough day. No one in my life understands and there's no support where I am. We're a forgotten demographic. Thanks for letting me express myself

Concerned United Birthparents, CUB, is an national organization started in 1976 to support birthparents and their families. CUB is pro-family preservation, pro-reunion and pro-adoptee rights. I currently attend the CUB support group in Los Angeles and it's the best organization! https://concernedunitedbirthparents.org/

CUB is announcing a new in person adoptee and birth family support group in Greensburg, PA, starting November 9, 2024 at 2pm ET. If interested, you can go to this Eventbrite link https://www.eventbrite.com/e/1047050214377?aff=oddtdtcreator This group is led by an adoptee and birth mom. The group will meet the second Saturday of each month. If you're within driving distance, you should check it out.

I heard about search angels, and I posted on Facebook group called Search Squad everything I know about my son. They messaged me, declining the post, they said they dont search for anyone under 21. I understand. But I want to know my baby is ok so badly. I have 2 children after him. I love them dearly. When my second was born, I freaked out, feeling like "I cant replace him with another baby". Hes 12 now, I dont regret it, I love him, but there was pain when he was a baby, they took my first when he was 2. Now, I had my 3rd son, now 8 months, and again it brought up my first. Its like, I love them, I appreciate who they are as i dividuals, but they do something cute he did, and I love it, laugh, smile, AND remember, and it is like this flood, my love for this child mixing with my love for him and my protectiveness mixing with the protection fail trauma of his loss, and the beauty of their moment mixing with the memories of his, each distinct, not mixed into one but, side by side, and its getting hit with this 6 shot cocktail, and I hokd my child and my heart breaks and pours out to him too, absorbing my love with this child while its like it reaches for him as well. It does not get easier.

I placed my girl at birth, or during pregnancy you could say. About 6 or 7 months in we met and talked often. They were at the hospital during labor, I had a c section. The hospital was very sweet and even gave them a room next to mine for my 4 Day stay... and gave me an extra day with my precious girl. I was so damn lucky.

Anyway I got a handful of visits, over the first almost 4 years of her life and I ended up moving across the country.

It was supposed to be an open adoption, to where she was never supposed to find put "abruptly" she was just always supposed ro know basically. Well that didn't happen. Communication was supposed to go both ways. Didn't happen ever. I always had ro reach out first. Sucks but I'm sure they have their reasons.

I wanted to come on here and say that, it could change if you're in a similar position so don't loose hope.

A few days ago, her mom texted me some pictures, without me asking. For the first time in almost 17 years.

I cried with ALL the emotions. She's so damn beautiful. So don't give up hope. You never know when they will surprise you! 💓

When I was 14 (36) years ago I got pregnant from a very abusive home. My parents kept me out of school, I had my baby boy then boom that was it. Me and my soul friend who was in the same abuse I was, left when they brought me home. Now to the point. Last week I received a letter talking about what his name was, where he lived and thought I was his birth mother. He said he wants to meet. My problem is I can’t get out of my head! Mainly because I don’t know what to do. I’m conflicted, scared and all of my trauma just came rushing to the front. Can anyone give your opinion/advice on my situation?

UPDATE: we have talked through text and sent pictures. I gave him medical information. And he told me things. He didn’t ask why. All he said was he hoped we can continue talking until we are ready to meet.

I think the process of adoption when that’s not what you wanted is so incredibly painful. The people I tell my story to, they never know what to say or they say I can’t imagine or I could never be as strong as you. Every time I think the wound has healed a bit, something in life comes up and it reopens. Today it was having to reach out to her parents because I was worried about the hurricane coming for them. This was the first time I reached to them in a few months after asking to not have any contact. It’s so painful it takes my breath away. I don’t know how I survived the months after I left the hospital without her, but I did, and I know I’ll survive this too. Something my therapist says is you’ve already survived your most painful moments up to today. I want so badly to be able to fully move on it’s almost been 4 years, but from time to time it’s so hard. In February I’m going to start to try to have my own baby, I’m so excited about that. I just wish this chapter of my life could really close but I know it will never really, there will always be things that reopen it.

I just want other people to know it’s ok if it still really hurts and it’s been years, it’s ok if you don’t feel like the other birth people who experienced adoption, just know you’re not alone.

I have received a request from a Reddit user who would like to bring adoption agency social workers to this subreddit to educate us on Adoption. I told the user that sort of participation is not inline with the spirit of this subreddit. As a peer led subreddit, we offer support to one another and insight through our experiences. Other interested parties may read the posts and comments as a means to witness actual real world experiences within adoption. I told the user that we appreciate the offer, but we are not interested.

Since then, we have experienced an uptick in posts and comments on this subreddit. Today I banned a user whose comment history revealed that they are not a user participating in good faith. I just want everyone to be aware that there are social workers on this subreddit with the motive of leading the conversation and presenting themselves as the authority on adoption. I will weed out those users when they are obvious.

Edited to update For anyone interested, our visit went well. Our biodaughter is doing well, and her mother will be okay eventually. She has just now publicly shared what has happened (with daughter's permission) and has the whole town supporting them both.

It truly makes me sad there are so many of you out there that feel it is doing a disservice to biodaughter to support her mom. We've never feared her mom would cut off contact with us and our concern for her mom during this time has strengthened that bond between all of us.

I'd share more, but it would fall on deaf ears.

Thank you for showing me the adoption community here is one of the most judgemental, unhelpful places I've ever asked advice from. It will not happen again.

I'm new to posting on Reddit, though I've been an avid lurker for years. I'm also new to posting about being a birthparent and adoption, so I don't know the lingo. I'm an older birthparent who placed a child for adoption AFTER completing my family, so accept an advance apology if I say something wrong. I don't mean to offend.

My husband (54m) and I (51f) placed our bio-daughter with adoptive parents at birth 14.5 years ago. The adoptive parents were friends of mine in high school, had been married since graduation, added to their family through adoption before, and had, what we considered at the time, a much more stable and connected family life than we could offer her.

For the past 14.5 years, we've remained on the fringes of her life, making ourselves available whenever and however we are needed. They made her aware of the adoption early on and when she asked to meet her birthparents, we were there. Since we were friends with her parents, we weren't strangers to her. Her mother always referred to her as "our girl" when sharing updates or asking advice, so although we are not super close, we've always been there.

This past Tuesday, her mother posted a message on social media about her world falling apart, so I messaged her to let her know I was here for her if she needed me. It took her two hours to message back and let us know that her husband (adoptive dad) had been arrested in August for sexually assaulting our bio-daughter for the past 2.5 years. She was frantically apologetic, saying over and over how she failed our girl. I reassured her as best I could while dying inside.

The next day (yesterday), she messaged that our girl wants me to come visit her (we live out of state now, but with 10 hours driving distance. We, of course, said we'll be there Saturday.

My question is how do we support her mother during this time? As you can imagine, the regret and what ifs are killing me right now. But I know if her momma is okay, our girl will be okay. I just don't want to overstep boundaries.

Any advice from other birthparents would be appreciated.

Rest assured, nothing negative said can be worse than what my brain has already come up with, so if you feel the need to beat me up for my decision to place, go for it if it helps you.

I had a baby that I was forced to give up for adoption almost 4 years ago. I went into the hospital thinking I was going to come home with a baby but I didn’t due to different factors.

Her parents love her and she has an entire family that loves her. I am not apart of that family. I am trying so hard to let go of the fact that her dads don’t hear me when I raise concerns about what her genetics predispose her to. Or the fact they changed her name and weren’t planning on telling me. I have to let go of the anger I feel that I’m not raising her, and her parents have such different priorities then I will have as a parent. I have to let go of the fact she won’t have any cute pictures from being a little kid since they have horrible taste and she always looks disheveled. I have to let go of the fact that for them travel is their biggest thing and she’s not learning a second language or in after school activities. I have to let go of the fact they sent her to daycare versus getting a nanny.

Open adoption is really hard for me constantly seeing what I am missing out on feels like a gut punch everytime, that’s why I can’t continue to have the updates or do visits. Like last visit I know she was a little kid but when she didn’t want to hug me that was brutal. Both of the visits were so brutal. I don’t feel better during the visits seeing her and then the before and after is so extremely brutal.

I’ve come to the realization I can’t be in a place where I’m constantly caring about her and what she’ll think of me. If she understands why I couldn’t have the contact when she was a kid great I’d be open to talking with her as an adult. If she doesn’t and has a lot of negative feelings towards me that’s fine too. I just can’t keep being in this headspace where I constantly think about her and what our relationship may or may not look like when she’s older. I just really have to let go of all my negative feelings and focus on what’s best for me and my life. She has parents who love her who will look out for her best interest. So for me I have to focus on what’s best for me and my life and not be constantly concerned that she’ll feel negative towards me in the future.

I guess I also partly wrote this to tell people it’s ok if your adoption story doesn’t look like the open adoptions on social media and it’s ok if you just need to focus on you. I’m also telling myself this and it doesn’t make you a bad person. I am not a bad person, I’m a person who went through one of the worst traumas and am trying to not just survive but thrive.

I was released for adoption as an infant. I'm curious to know from birth parents, what do you guys think/feel when your birth child says they wished you would've kept them?

She sent the email yesterday and I found it today. She referenced a registry site I’m on and used an old email address I maintain for this purpose.

I responded encouragingly and shared some basic information. It’s an OBC state so I gave her the address to the application. I printed an application for myself and may finally have the courage to sign & mail it.

I also encouraged her to have him do Ancestry or 23&Me … I’m already registered and my profile is public.

Part of me is excited and part is terrified. I’m so afraid this could be a scam or another disappointment. I had a man reach out about 5 years ago and we both held out great hope but we did not dna match…we were both saddened and I hope he has found his match.

It’s been 44 years … I’d about given up hope. On the other hand, I’m sixty years old and my life is not together. I disappointed the children I raised; I am so afraid of disappointing the child I knew I wasn’t good enough to raise.

I am terrified of what may be an answered prayer.

I’m curious other birth parents thoughts on this. I personally don’t because I’m not raising the child, the child is not my child. I went through pregnancy and birth but I am not a parent nor do I have kids. That’s just my way of looking at it, and am curious if other people feel the same or look at it differently

Fiancé and I have just decided to place our little guy for adoption at 35 weeks pregnant due to the fact that we won’t be able to provide him a good life.

I just want to know if I can leave him a note about my and my fiancés lives, our decision to do this, as well as any advice I may have for him? Can I do that?

Also I don’t know the adoption stuff I my state and I’m have a hell of a time figuring it out (WV) so if anyone has any information about it please send it my way

I’m an adoptee in a closed adoption. I have my birth moms info and have found a social media account of hers. There are many reasons I’m debating reaching out, which I talked about in another post here earlier this year.

One of the things I forgot to mention is that she is now raising a new child. She made a post saying she was so unhappy when she was younger and now with her child she’s happy.

I’m worried about messaging her and possibly flipping her life around in a negative way and if that happened how that would impact her kid (my half-sibling).

For those of you who put your children up for adoption in a closed adoption or just haven’t been in contact with them for whatever reason and who went on to have new children who you kept:

How would you feel if the child you put up for adoption contacted you while you were trying to raise your new kid? For anyone that did happen to, what was it like? How did it impact you and the child(ren) you’re raising?

Thanks to anyone who responds.

So I had a baby almost 4 years ago that I was forced to give up for adoption, I have a whole different post about. Now I’m getting ready to ttc on my own with a donor, and I’m curious women who went through an adoption then had other kids what would you have done differently or wish you’d known. I’m so excited, but very anxious about not getting pregnant again easily but I think it will be fine.

I put the trigger warning tag because I’m not sure what else to do, but I had my baby last week on August 27th. He was born a few weeks early. It was an emergency c-section so my mom was the only one allowed in the OR. The procedure itself was very upsetting to me because it’s just weird being awake while someone cuts your body open and rearranges your organs, but thankfully they gave me medication to help me calm down. He spent a few days in the NICU but is doing okay now. He’s quite lovely.

The adoptive parents are staying at an Air BnB close to my house and they come over and visit him often and have stayed overnight so I can get enough sleep to heal and everything. Once I’m cleared to travel, we’re going to go to their house and I’m going to stay there for a few weeks. After that, I will make everything official and legal. I’m not sure what the future is really going to look like but I really hope I’m making the right decision.

Hi - I am a 36 yr old adoptee, with an open but not close relationship with my BPs. My birthmother’s birthday is coming up and I wanted to write her a letter. We’re not close enough where I would feel comfortable giving her a physical gift - but we do have contact online.

I want to write her something meaningful and heartfelt that shows I’m trying to understand her experience. But also not too pushy or overtly invasive. I started with a brief note on Mother’s Day - which basically said I’ve been thinking about you a lot these days. And now I am wondering: What is the best thing you heard from your child that was truly meaningful OR something you wish they had told you.

Obviously I won’t write her anything that isn’t true - because that would be horrid. Just looking for some inspiration - and maybe direction.

Xox You’re amazing. ❤️❤️Matcha.

TLDR: What is the best thing you heard from your child that was truly meaningful OR something you wish they had told you.

I'm really struggling with my decision to place my child up for adoption. I feel like I'm losing it.

Context: I used the Mirena IUD for nine years after I placed my bio-daughter for adoption. It's only been a few months since I switched from the Mirena to the Paragard, and my mood swings are fucking crazy.

It feels like my endocrine system has been asleep for the last nine years, and is just now coming to terms with the adoption. Between ovulation and the start of my period, I experience weird, suicidal mood swings. I wake up screaming from night terrors about the birth during my periods, which was bloody and traumatic (I had pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, and eventually had to have a c-section because my child was so huge).

I feel like I'm constantly struggling just to stay sane. I can't live like this. Is this normal? Does this get better? Where can I find support?

I have been in an “open” adoption with my mom throughout my life (≈30 years). We are both close but there has always been a level of distance between us. We’ll talk about adoption stuff but she just cannot handle the idea that adoption was not a best case scenario for my life. I could tolerate it for a really long time, but it is getting to the point where almost every time I talk to her she immediately starts telling me to stop thinking about the past and just be happy.

I love her, I have great relationships with all of my siblings and our extended family as well. But the better I get to know my mom, the more I realize she her coping mechanisms for relinquishing me for adoption have had an extremely negative impact on her marriage, her children and her relationships with others.

I have thought about recommending a support group like CUB (she’s been in AA for years), recommending a book or maybe even doing virtual therapy together. Idk I’m kind of at a loss here and would appreciate any feedback. Thanks

So the context is I was forced to give up my baby for adoption 3.5 years ago. I went into the hospital thinking I was taking a baby home and didn’t leave with one all because of what my medical chart said in terms of my mental health diagnosis. It didn’t matter that I was in treatment and on meds and had been for sometime. But anyways I have done two visits with her and used to get monthly updates but it’s just too hard and currently I’m starting to pursue having my own child, and I just can’t take the reminder. I know this isn’t going to be a popular thing but I don’t think I ever want an actual relationship, it’s just too hard. If she were to reach out to me I’d always be kind, but I don’t imagine us ever having an actual relationship. I’m just hoping someone can relate to anything I just said sometimes I just feel so alone with it.

For context, I was born and adopted in New York. Despite being a closed adoption state, NY put something through a few years ago where you could apply to get your pre-adoption birth certificate. I did that, so I have the names of my biological parents. Question is where might I go to locate them? Trying to look them up on social media does me no good, as I have no pictures to go by, and places like Facebook end up with a bunch of people with the same name when you look someone up, so it’s kinda hard to narrow it down without a face to put to the name.

I’m interested in at least reaching out for the sake of saying I reached out. If they don’t want to respond back then it is what it is, but I’ve been wanting to reach out for a little bit now.

Today is my daughter's birthday and I'm just flooded with emotion. I've struggled deeply since relinquishing and today is just the saddest reminder. She's 2. I miss her. I try not to dwell on the things I'm missing but my heart is just broken. I should be celebrating with her. Her parents don't invite us or even contact us on this day, and I guess they don't really have to but it just hurts so much. We do have an open adoption but it's not as open as I had hoped when we were going through the adoption process.

I'm just rambling at this point, thanks for reading. I took the day off work so I'll probably look through our scrapbook of pictures and bed rot. I'm so sad thinking our girl will never know how much I love her.

I hope it’s okay for me to post this here. My daughter just turned one and I want to get her birth mom a gift to send with a letter I wrote to her. I thought about a photo book with pictures from our daughter’s first year, but I want something thoughtful and meaningful. Any other ideas? She means the world to me, and I want something that conveys that. Thank you in advance.

For background I placed my son for adoption almost 18 years ago. He turns 18 in a few months. We reunited three months ago. I won't go into details but it was an unexpected reunion. He seemed very receptive to me upon meeting. Since then it's been very slow with communication. My question to any reunited adoptees, how do I navigate this relationship. Right now I just text him and ask questions. He generally always responds to my questions but doesn't ask me anything. I'd like to meet again in person so we can really talk and have a full conversation. For context our first reunion we didn't get to talk much so we haven't sat down and have a conversation yet. I'll be near his city soon and would like to ask him to meet up. Any advice would be much appreciated.

UPDATE: Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences with me. It was extremely helpful in my understanding of what my son may be going through. I reached out and let him know my availability to meet up. Unfortunately he didn't respond. That's ok and now that I've heard your stories I'm not hurt and I understand. One day we'll meet up again. Best wishes to all of you in your relationships.

Hello everyone,

First I'd like to apologize for the format I'm on my phone typing this out. As the title states my daughter is turning 18 this week, we had an open adoption but during Covid the adoptive parents completely shut me out by refusing to send me yearly updates. My case is a delicate case because I was raped at 11 and had her via cesarean at 12 years old. However my mom and I made the decision to place her for adoption to give her the best life (hopefully) she'd possibly could have. I remember sitting at a table a reviewing binders made by so many people who wished to be parents and as to why I should pick them. I ended up deciding on this family because they were older, seemed to have a nice relationship and you could tell just how badly they wanted a baby to complete their family. Sad to say though if I had know they'd completely cut me out like they have even though it's in our contract to have yearly updates I would of chosen someone else. Not only have they chosen to no longer give me updates but they do not reply to the agency either when reached out too. Due to the fact that my case is one that will stay with anyone who dealt with it during that time as one they would never forget. I know a lot of the agents well and one in particular who was in charge of my case is still trying to help me out. She obviously can not give me any information regarding their last names or addresses/ phone numbers but has tried to help by reaching out numerous times. Last week I reached out asking about what the next steps are because she'll be 18 this week and I would like to know what happens next. She stated she found them on Facebook and reached out but no luck and that she will attempt to add my daughter once she turns 18. She also suggested I write her a letter so she can mail it to her. The problem is I have no clue how to even start this letter. The last thing I'd want to do is make her feel overwhelmed and pressured by my attempts to make contact. I want her to reach out when she feels ready. How can I convey this in a letter? Any advice how I should set this letter up and what I should put in it/ leave out? Thanks in advance!

Update: It happened and it went well. We had a lighthearted conversation about our mutual interests. Hopefully we will talk again. I have deleted my post because I am anxious about the possibility of self-doxxing and leaving unintentionally hurt feelings if he comes across this post someday.