From some time i have removed insta. And i somehow feel better. And i am able to concentrate on life more rather than focusing on people. Too much reels i was messed up. Now i activate one a month. Use for 2-3 days and again deactivate it. One more important now whenever i come back to it. I realizes how useless and worthless it is.

I’m ready to be confident again, in myself.

I’m ready to integrate this trauma into myself, instead of running away from it.

I’m tired of hurting, I want to get better, and I’m tired of hurting myself, for having these emotions.

I’m tired of feeling selfish, and I want to do something with it. I’m tired of this pity, this sorrow. But I know I have to feel it to experience it. I just want to feel better. I’m tired of overthinking this. Thank you, everyone, for helping me.

And now, I’m tired. Goodnight, everyone.

I want to tell you about the "therapy" session that had one of the biggest impacts on me. This was after college, where the FBI made me see a campus therapist after a bad incident where I got real drunk and yelled a bunch of obscene terroristic threats called my team mate a n... thirty-seven times near the campus. This was unrelated to that incident, but for other, deliberately unspecified reasons, St Joseph's kinda forced me to see this one psychologist, who I noticed, upon entering his office for the first time, had a PhD in forensic psychology from Harvard plagued up on his wall, along with many other trophies of achievement.

I'm not going to give you a big story about what our sessions were like, but they were very much like playing chess. There's a lot I can say about this but I'll keep this succinct and cut right to the chase. The session started normal, just catching up on the week's events before he started trying to lead me in a particular direction with questions. I played along, thinking I could outsmart him, but near the end of the session, when the conversation naturally flipped into talking about family, I let my guard down a little because I, metaphorically, had his king in checkmate in just two more turns.

Of course, that's not at all what happened, as I recall how he was innocently talking to me about my younger brother. He asks why I thought we didn't get along or do things together, and I said we were just too different in age, and he presses that question where he gets me to openly acknowledge that I was aware that people of different ages do different things. This causes him to say, and I'll never forget this, he said:

Well that's not a good sign

Then he smiles at me with a shit-eating grin and asks when is the next he'll see me. Then I went home deflated and paranoid and suddenly aware that my contingency plan was not at all going to work the way I thought it would. It made me want to work harder at being a good person, and here we are today.

Fairly relevant for rumination type problems like generalised anxiety or health anxiety;

While the later stages of worry e.g. 6-9 out of 10, obviously suck and feel terrible.

The initial worry, where the headspace starts e.g. 1-3 out of 10, actually feel kinda good. And they suck you in an drown you, hence mermaids.

Anyway, here a brief (1.23) video I made on this idea.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPCb1v0hhs0

Disclaimer: While I am linking my channel, I'm not really self-marketing. My channel is not monetised. I'm just sharing an idea I've seen a lot of people find helpful.

Hi all! I've recently started therapy (again) and wanted to share my first breakthrough with someone.

Just because my parents did better then their parents doesn't mean it's ok that my needs weren't met.

Anyone feel comfortable sharing their first breakthrough?

My therapist and I have been working a lot on identifying and shining light on my inner critic (instead of believing everything it says and identifying with it). We talked today about how I have this constant feeling like I “should” be doing _______ …

But what would life be like if I just lived? If there are no shoulds? Yes, I need to pay my bills and take care of myself and nurture the good relationships in my life….. but what about just saying “fuck it” to everything else and just being content ? And do whatever the fuck I want?

This is so simple, yet was so profound and really hit me today. Thought I’d share :)

I’ve been through a pretty intense journey with alter egos myself for the sake of social confidence. However during that time, I never really found a singular guide that answered all of my questions, so now that I've been through all of it, I've decided to create one, addressing it all. If you're serious about building an alter ego to boost your social confidence, this is for you. The goal here is to simplify your growth so you can step into the best version of yourself, faster and with a lot less confusion.

About you: The truth is, if you're here venturing for an alter ego, the traits which you're looking to develop are likely within you untapped. For many people, working on a persona often stems from an inner desire to express parts of themselves that they already have a heart for, even if they haven't fully embodied those traits yet. It's a mix of both unlocking something that was already a part of you and developing it until it feels natural and authentic. Keep this in mind during this process, it will help you connect more with the real you.

Before we start, it’s important to understand the distinction between an alter ego and a persona:

• An alter ego is a separate identity you create to practice traits that don’t yet feel natural. It’s temporary and feels distinct from your core self.
• A persona is a natural and genuine part of you, reflecting different sides of your core self in various situations. Think of it as how you present yourself based on your environment. For example, you may naturally be more playful with close friends and more professional at work, but both are authentic parts of who you are. Unlike an alter ego, a persona isn’t separate from you—it’s an expression of traits that are already fully integrated into your identity.

Goal: The goal is for the traits you practice with your alter ego to become part of your persona, something you can access naturally without effort.

Step 1: Identify the Traits You Want to Develop

At the beginning of your journey, the first step is to pinpoint exactly what you want to develop. Ask yourself: What traits do I wish I had more of in social situations? Are you looking for more confidence? More assertiveness? Maybe you want to be more charismatic or better at initiating conversations. These traits will form the foundation of the alter ego you’ll create.

• List your desired traits: You should start by writing down a clear list of the qualities you want to work on. Be specific. For example: “I want to be more assertive in conversations,” or “I want to feel more at ease around new people.”

• Identify your biggest needs: Identify the areas where you feel you struggle the most in social settings. Do you get anxious in group conversations? Do you find it hard to be yourself around strangers? These areas will guide what traits you develop in your alter ego. The more specific you can be about what traits you want to build, the clearer your alter ego will become. This clarity will save you time and make your growth more focused.

Step 2: Create Your Alter Ego

With your list of desired traits, it’s time to create your alter ego, being a version of yourself that embodies these traits, even if they don’t feel natural right now. This is not about being someone else entirely; it’s about creating a temporary version of you that practices traits you want to master.

• Give your alter ego a name or identity: Giving your alter ego a name can help you step into this new character more easily, because it gives it a stronger sense of identity. This can be whatever you like, or if you can think of a name that you associate with confident people, that may be a good choice as well. You can think of this alter ego as a tool to activate confidence when you need it.

• Visualize how your alter ego behaves: How would this version of you walk, talk, and carry themselves in social situations? Imagine specific scenarios and picture how your alter ego would navigate them. This will prepare you for real-life application.

Tip: Don’t feel like this alter ego needs to be perfect right away. Think of it as a character that evolves as you get more comfortable with it.

Step 3: Practice Using the Alter Ego in Low-Stakes Settings

Now that you’ve created your alter ego, it’s time to start using it in settings where you can experiment without too much pressure. These should be casual or low-stakes environments, such as casual get-togethers, small social spots, or informal hangouts. Although these settings are low-stakes, you might still feel some social tension or discomfort as you get used to embodying the new traits. Experiencing some challenge here is actually healthy for your social confidence and self discovery.

• Step into the alter ego in specific situations: Choose low-stakes settings which allow you to regularly practice activating your alter ego and embodying the traits you’ve designed.

• Observe how it feels: Pay close attention to how you feel when adopting this new identity. Notice how your behavior and interactions change. Does it feel empowering, awkward, or somewhere in between? This feedback will help guide your adjustments for future interactions.

Tip 1: It’s often easier to activate your alter ego with people who don’t know your original self well.

Tip 2: Avoid using substances like drugs or alcohol while practicing your alter ego. I’ll explain more on this later.

Step 4: Reflect, Adjust, and Grow:

After each social interaction where you’ve used your alter ego, take a moment to reflect on how it felt. This reflection is key to refining the traits you’re developing.

• Ask yourself how it went: Did you feel more confident? Were there moments that felt forced or unnatural? Reflecting on both successes and challenges helps you learn and adjust for the next time.

• Tweak the alter ego: If certain aspects of your alter ego feel off, tweak them. Maybe you need to be less aggressive and more assertive, or perhaps your body language needs refinement. The alter ego should evolve as you do.

Tip: Remember that whenever you take action, there is no failure—it's all about learning. Every time you step into a social interaction, that's a win, no matter if it went well or not. Repetition is what builds confidence. Honestly congratulate yourself every time. Self-talk is key, especially in times where you don't get the external validation you might have been hoping for from an interaction. This is a process...

• Step 5: Begin Integrating the Traits Into Your Core Identity

As you continue practicing your alter ego, you’ll start noticing that certain traits become more natural. Over time, these traits, once foreign, will feel familiar, and that’s when it’s time to begin integrating them into your core identity.

• Blend the traits into your daily life: Start using these traits outside of the controlled environments where you practiced. The goal is for them to stop feeling like part of an alter ego and begin to feel like a natural extension of who you are.

• Let the persona shift happen naturally: You no longer need to “switch on” the alter ego. As the traits become part of your core self, they’ll show up automatically in social settings.

Tip: You’ll know you’re ready for this step when using your alter ego feels less like a conscious effort and more like a natural expression of yourself. There’s no strict timeline—this process could take weeks or even months, depending on how often you practice and how comfortable you feel. This step itself is a gradual transition and will take time. The key is to be patient with yourself and allow the traits to fully settle into your core identity.

Step 6: Retire the Alter Ego Once Traits are Integrated:

The final goal is to no longer need your alter ego as a separate tool. Once the traits you’ve been practicing feel integrated into your everyday life, you can let go of the need to “activate” the alter ego and instead, just be yourself—confident, assertive, and fully you.

• Let the alter ego go: You’ll know it’s time to retire the alter ego when the traits you’ve developed become part of your natural persona. No longer a separate character, these traits are now part of who you are.

• Trust in your growth: This is actually super important. You wont be able to release the alter ego without faith in yourself. Feel confident knowing that the alter ego served its purpose, and now you’ve grown into the person you aspired to be.

FINAL AND IMPORTANT NOTES:

• Self-compassion: Being 100% real, during this journey, you will experience setbacks, moments of self-doubt, and yes even social anxiety. But these moments are normal, and the key to continuing your growth is to handle them with self-compassion and mindfulness.

• Practice mindfulness in social settings: Throughout stages of this process, it can be easy to get caught up in overthinking about your behavior, or just the way you are. Remember to stay present in the moment rather than getting caught up in thought. When you feel anxious, try focusing on your breath or your surroundings to ground yourself. Mindfulness is extremely important in this process and social awareness in general. I would honestly even suggest internal and external meditation practices throughout this process to keep you grounded.

• Use setbacks as learning opportunities: If you have a social experience that doesn’t go as planned, don't worry about it. Remember, just for entering the interaction, that's a win because you took the action. Reflect on what happened and what you can do differently next time. Growth comes from learning, not perfection.

• This is a sensitive process: When working with sense of self-identity, there's room for risk if not handled correctly. This is the very reason I'm making this guide, because it's so important to have a track to be on. In my experience, I went wrong by deconstructing too much of my identity. This isn't about tearing down your entire self and then rebuilding it. You should focus on the specific areas you want to improve. Your core identity needs to stay grounded throughout this, so stay anchored in your heart, which remains constant, and love that part of yourself.

• Drugs and Alcohol: Like I said, this is a sensitive process, and so you'll need to keep a firm grip on your behavioral progress. Substances alter brain chemistry, making your experiences less authentic. Disrupting your state of mind in social settings can lead to inconsistent perceptions, making the process unstable and causing unnecessary confusion about your identity. Developing an alter ego requires mental clarity, and if you already have underlying social anxiety, psychoactive drugs like marijuana is just about the worst thing for this process.

• Also, if you're somebody who’s particularly used to using substances to manage social pressure, yes it’s going to take some discipline. By experiencing the raw stress of social interaction, and allowing yourself to feel it mindfully, that’s how you eventually adapt to it, which is why the use of vices would negate whatever progress you would have made. It may help to think of it like this:

• Remember, this is about identity. You have to practice doing what genuinely confident people do in order to become genuinely confident. Do you want to know yourself as the type of person who needs a vice to detox after social interactions, or to get through them? That’s what you will be as long as you practice that way of being.

• Eventually your brain will get its reward from the progress you make, rather than vices, which is honestly a way better kind of high.

Feel free to post about your experiences or whatever questions you might have!

You got this in the bag!!!
Good luck to all of you on your journey! Stay patient with yourself, keep pushing forward, and trust the process. Believe in your growth, and let your potential surprise you. You've really got this. :)

I had to learn this one the hard way, and I still struggle with not doing this to my kid.

Threats are absolutely not ever an appropriate way to talk to someone. It is normal to want someone to understand that “this time I mean it” and “now it’s serious” and otherwise feel heard.

But most of us jump to the methods our parents used to make sure we understood them. Instead of just setting a boundary for ourselves “I can no longer allow myself to sit here and wait when you’re frequently late meeting me for a ride…” we try to control other people with something like “next time you’re late, I’ll leave! I’ll leave and you’ll have to walk home! Think about that!” Then the other person naturally starts arguing with us about this hypothetical thing we’re maybe going to do next time we feel disrespected. And it’s a mess.

We THINK that’s setting a boundary but it’s actually an attempt at control.

A boundary focuses on ourselves and what we’re willing to accept for our own experience. To set a boundary, we don’t even have to tell someone why we’re doing. We can just decide “I don’t like this. I’m going to take care of myself.” It doesn’t matter what anyone else even thinks.

I think I was like 40 when this started to sink in. And I still struggle with saying things like “listen to me or you’re losing screen privileges” instead of just, you know, “I love you and you didn’t hear me. I need you to listen so I can keep you safe.”

It’s so hard to change. But it’s worth it, and that’s why I’m trying to remember this one. Threats are not boundaries. Threats are my attempt to asset control, and that’s going to get a bad reaction from most people

….or, so it seemed.

I just began seeing a therapist, and for the first time in my life which I have been very fortunate in being able to access. (Truly tragic most people can’t.) Up until now I was under the impression that my knowledge on the subject from books I’ve read, guides, videos, and conversations with layman had at least helped me with identifying the issues I have.

NEVER EVER self-diagnose and stick with that.

Having to now back-track- begin from an entirely new path to understanding, healing, and loving yourself after having the realization all the work you’d previously done had been counter-productive is… humbling.

I feel shameful and embarrassed too. Years of my life spent believing I was healing toward being a more secure version of myself has now been shown as a major player in that, I now see I’d likely been the one at fault when things went south in the end during breakups.

We’ll see how things progress. It’s paralyzing to consider what lies ahead, but I know I’m fortunate not to feel some over-arching pressure to speed up the process. Something I believe I must have caused others to feel. I want to be healthier, and ACTUALLY secure in myself. Figure, if I could do it once, what’s one more go?

Gotta believe I’m worthy of it and stay thankful for this shot.

I heard about this in therapy and meditation practices but it stuck with me more said this way. I think this is a Marcus Aurelius quote. If I find myself getting overwhelmed this helps set up mental barriers to stay focused short term.

I've written a little ditty about the dangers of therapy jargon in the wrong hands. A lesson I came to nearly too late. I'm not selling or promoting any stupid thing. Just for kicks https://youtu.be/wmMwQtb014U?si=D_BcUNkXE2IFf_0B

That's what i got from therapy today.

I'm autistic, and i like to be stuck in another reality, there i create myself better, and sucessful, to not be dealing with the "griefing" of my unreachable dreams.. [is a sensitive state of mind, where a person usually extends his perspectives, creating a safe space, where everything makes sense, and their surroundings were more adaptative to him, then him of his surroundings.. it's a form of deal with life unfairness sometimes..] To someone who deals with solitude, discouragement of having social inclusion tries, this feels a great solution..

For people who don't understand.. this situation in a person's life it's a hard theme to deal.. so don't be shit, if you don't get it. Don't try to fake comprehension if you don't care.. and please don't throw harsh words in persons who already is creating them to deal with this harsh words. You can save a life! -people can only deal with it with better treatment of themselves, and sometimes it can lead to therapy..

You are worth it; even if the world sometimes it's not.

Hey, wherever you are, I hope this post finds you well! I had a fantastic session with my therapist today and one of the things that I realised is that throughout my life I’ve really struggled with being present. That’s contributed to me being on autopilot and not really getting enjoyment even from things and people that I love. Does anyone have any tips for how to learn to become present? Is it all about grounding? How am I going to remember to ground myself? I work full-time I’m a solo parent 90% of the year to a wild but amazing 3 year old, so I am always on the go….. but I don’t wanna look back when I’m older and not be able to remember anything, like I do now at 31. Thank you!

One of my coworkers happens to be a long-time friend, and his dog is currently on her deathbed, she's likely not going to make it through the day. After work, I was heading home and got his snapchat saying "last day with my best friend" and I wanted to go over to his house and console him, so I flipped my truck around and started heading back south, made it about 5-10 miles before i took another exit and headed back home after second-guessing myself. Yes it would've been a nice gesture, but fitting into his shoes, I would want to be alone with my dying dog and my family, which is right where he is. He's got all the support he needs, and one more person acting somber and trying to comfort him could very well end up being counterintuitive. (I did beat myself up over this for a while, but this perspective is helping me feel more secure in my decision)

After getting home, I just sent him a "Love you, brother.💜" To which he replied, "Love you too💙 it's gonna be a rough one for a while" Although it felt like I was going against every instinct, I simply replied, "Yes it will. I won't lie to you."

Every piece of me wanted to offer some kind of reassurance or something to make him feel better or offer hope, then stopped and realized that's not my place, and it would be selfish of me to try to bring about resolution. I realized i was trying to ease my pain, and instead I just felt it, and it was honestly sort of magical, I felt more connected to my friend by just sitting alone in the pain I felt for him instead of trying to console him, which would ultimately make me feel better, and I never realized just how selfish that behavior was.

Hi everyone, originally this subreddit was to be a place to share ideas or ways of thinking about a mental health issue. Posts asking for advice are sort of diverting from this goal and I've seen messages about it in the modmail.

Since there are so many great subreddits about therapy advice (see a few of them in the sidebar), I'd like to try and filter this more carefully to be only about sharing lessons you have learned in therapy.

I'll check regularly to make sure this is still a helpful way to go for this subreddit. Thanks everyone.

When I'm driving, something I often think to myself is "brake lights are not a joke." I don't know where that came from but it's something that pops in every time I'm driving - brake lights are not a joke, not a suggestion, and when they show up, I must respond.

Today in a session I had a husband talking about how he doesn't understand his wife's feelings or why she would respond to situations in certain ways. My little brake light thought came into my head, so I told him: "Think about when you're driving and the car in front of you hits its brakes. Brake lights are not a joke. You don't know what they're doing to be hitting their brakes, they could be texting, doing something stupid, something dangerous could be happening; you don't know and it doesn't really matter. Their brake lights are on and now you have to respond. So what do you think you should do?" And then we moved that into a conversation about what she would like to see from him in those instances and what he wants to practice doing in response. It felt like a helpful way to visualize things!

Trying to spin up some therapy-style game sessions to keep people engaged between their usual formal therapy activities. Any interest? :)

https://therapyboardgameclub.carrd.co/