Rank S

Pimpin' Ain't Parise - Woppa

It's an OTH tradition where people who suck at fantasy hockey shit on The King's draft, and to no one's surprise the year after the majority of those players get drafted much higher. Bouchard 4th is now 2nd. Nylander late 2nd to early 2nd. Kreider 5th to 3rd. Hedman 7th to 3rd (member the heat I got for this one?). Jarvis 14th to 5th. And going way back, both Marchand and Pasta. The list is endless. The vision. The skill. The domination. And most of all, the consistency. So allow The King to introduce to you the next 3 players who will be bonafide fantasy studs: Brock Faber. Adam Fantilli. Jonathan Drouin. You're welcome.

Rank A

Eat your Cale, kids - bruinhawks

I'm not sure if it's a skill gap or what, but Kyle Connor was drafted 3.11, two picks AFTER Kempe. Who in their underdeserving D1 mind takes Kempe over Connor? Oh, it was Cyp. bruinhawks is a force in the league and drafts like this is why he is one of the rare forces acknowledged by The King. Hughes Cozens C. Connor Cat LW. Nylander Bath RW. Dobson Morrissey D. This is not looking good for the 4 jabronis below.

Rank C

Putting On The Foil - Uncledonny

Imagine having Draisatl and Ovechkin 1-2 to start off a team, man life was great. Donathan had the whole world ahead of him. But then later on in life an accident happened causing bottom shelf picks like JT Buch Scheifele Jones Michkov 5-9. Donny ponders what if but it's too late, he couldn't go back to the good ol' days of round 4, as he emptily stares in the mirror, an image as old as his team, singing toothbrush songs.

Rank D+

Tarasenkyu Very Much - ch1zzle

chiz is that bully in class where he asserts his fake dominance over weak noobs, and it resulted in many good review ratings over the years. This year however, it's a little different, because the bully realizes the one who can turn him into a little caterpillar is back. It's tough missing out on Hagel and Faber by one pick only end up with Tippett and Necas. Cash me ousside.

How much wood would a woodtkachuk tkachuk if a woodtkachuk could tkachuk wood - SPRX97

Unluckily for SPRX, he is on the shortlist of pretenders The King needs to take care of now that he's back home so despite your unoriginal shenanigans, I already know what your team looks like. Well what does it look like? A giant piece of turd with a little Timo bobblehead poking out at the top because you took him 2.7.

Rank D

Kreider Hard - Bluntforce19

The good thing is that this is the last time I have to write about Trocheck being taken 3rd, but this team is resting on too much unproven players to be a force. Trocheck Barzal Jarvis Laf Yegor Markstrom all could be very good yet they could, and likely, regress. And the hipster not so hipster pick of Boqvist is far fetched similar to the hopes of blunt staying in the division.

Hillty as Sin? - akacesfan

It's interesting how akacesfan chose this team name considering his deep history with crab. Is it a hidden message? One of promise? One of regret? Trying to convey mistakes made similar to the crabby team he drafted? Building a Makar team is not easy and in most cases you end up with a crabpile of weakass forwards such as by Raymond Cooley Strome Beniers.

It doesn't even need to make sense. Just noises are fine. - Kovellen

Kovellen is a poor man's noddan. Year after year, weakass team on paper but somehow still manage to find success despite of it. Konecny 4th is too high for someone who can finish under 4PF and no one would think it's unusual, then there's Giroux Kane and Tarasenko which would've given him an A team a decade ago. A team finally deserving of their name.

Rank D-

Seattle Freeze - christhrowrocks

A list of players taken after Reinhart: Ovechkin, Panarin, Bouchard, Guentzel, Hyman. Does this make sense? Think about it, how many goals must Reinhart score to make it worth over those guys? 60? And then there's no secondary threat, it's Johnston McCann Nelson Celebrini. A 7 surrounded by DUFFs does not make him a 10.

Wilmer Skoog - Jabroni 1

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw Cyp cockblock me with Brandt Clarke in the 12th. How did this little semen evolve to be a prick The King thought. Too bad for him that is the only good pick along wtih Zibanejad on his roster. It's one of those teams where you scroll to the bottom expecting the stars are on the bench but then all you see are Gathier Palmeri Kuzmenko Teravainen.

Vancity Express - Jaboni 2

The sad part about Nick's bitch move is that the players you rostering today is already better than your entire sad bench so thanks for EZ categorizing for me. Zegras shouldn't be drafted, McTavish 9th is whack, Theodore 11th and Arvidsson 13th won't even get you any trade discussions with anyone when you are drowning in jizz.

Jack Grubauer - Jabroni 3

Edge commits the McDavid cardinal sin by taking a pure C in round 2, and Crosby at that, then rounded off the genius with Svech at 3.1, finishing off his mastery with Caufield 4th. Yesterday I wrote the first few picks don't win you the league but it can most definitely lose it for you as shown in Exhibit J3. This is what I mean by the power of the 4 jabronis.

Rank F

Lord Stanley of Costco, D4 champ to D1 bust - Jabroni 4

Nephews pay attention this season, this is the result of promotion gone wrong. In the nasty rough waters of rounds of 11-14, the shit ship headed by Captain Vatrano, costco decided to take 3 weak D Gudas Ekblad and Durzi when he already has two other D he wanted. Why take so many D when you know semen is denser than water?

Arshdeep in Gold - GusZ

WTF

Gustovpher

people

don't be one

of those

.

fantasy

aside

etiquette

Shitty,

team

problem with

this

the

is Eichel

Boldy

all

Hintz

are

injury

Werenski

Nuke

prone

Woll

af

Norris

team

so your

ass

is

pretty.

Yeah, hard to read isn't it? Bitch.

Rank B-

Big Yellow Machine Never Breaks - rdknott

The only team to draft 3D through first 7, rdknott is relying heavily on Bouchard Morrissey and Sergachev to carry the team. This is unsurprising as rdknott is quite the aspiring connoisseur of the D by his discord profile pics. On offense there's a lot of unknowns in Stutzle, Bath, DeBrusk, Guether, Fantilli, Neighbours, Duclair, Drouin. If half of them produce as advertised this is a playoff team led by MacKinnon.

Rank C+

Offer Sheets the Bed - Winnipeguy

After a steady rise from D4 to D3 to D2, Winnipeguy is a prime example of how to properly rise the ranks of OTH. No BS superstar D4 teams nor covid WC chips, just steady improvements and the result is a very solid team. 7 wingers taken in first 8 (Marner, EP, Timo, Jarvis, Hagel, Kyrou, Raymond) and still manage decent D/G. It's refreshing to see, and it's why he deserves a good grade.

Rank C

Noddan HC - Noddan

Kaprizov Josi Ovechkin as top 3 made me wonder what can be, unburdened by what has been, after Noddan's brief stint in the minors. Unfortunately it looks like he's bringing back some D3 skill with him after some very unspectacular picks round 4 onwards. The highlight is 4 defensemen of which NONE of them are PP1 (Theodore, Ekblad, Chabot, Byram). Pressure of being in same league as yoshi is no joke.

Rank C-

Flying Zambonis - Cannon49

Could this finally be the year Cannon become a contender after only 1 covid chip in the last 12 years? Could it be?? Could it? No of course not, and here's why. Almost the entire team is banking on unproven/inconsistent players. Laf, Vilardi, Byfield, Hronek, Suzuki, ZBad, McTavish, Barbashev, Ingram, Luke Hughes. It's anyone guess what they'll do this year. Assuming each of them above has a 50% chance of achieving a happy ending, you can do the math on the probability that all 11 will satisfy.

Rank D+

Nintendo Svech - benzene96

In previous years if someone took JT Miller, Nylander, and Trocheck 1-2-3 they'd be the joke of the league. However it's 2024 and these 3 players all averaged 5PF+ last season. That said, while Miller and Nylander are acceptable in 1st two rounds, Trocheck 3rd is not. In his 12 yeaers in NHL, only last season was over 65 points. How does this warrant a 3rd? It's as crazy as taking Slafkovsky over Hagel/Boldy/Cat/Marchand who all went later in the same round.

gimme Horvat Makar real Orlov forget about it - Degradation

Horvat Makar real Orlov forget about it? Forget about what, your mediocre draft? The first half wasn't bad, Makar Panarin Connor Verhaeghe Thomas Zuccarello Hanifin etc. But then this 2nd half, it's so sad that it's as if he only knew 150 players. Ekholm Montembeault Marchment Orlov Pinto Hall in that order. To put into perspective, The King wouldn't even take any of these scrubs from waivers.

Rank D

Chicken and Raffls - funkyquasar

funky has cemented himself in the upper mid-low high D2 range and is spotfilled after being shafted by Cyp last year. Always around but never the top dog is funky. However this year he may break out of that mold but in the wrong direction. Would a team comprised of Bedard Rielly Hischier Michkov Nelson Pietrangelo PLD Harley strike fear into any opponent? Nope. This right here is fodder material. It won't even matter if AM34 scores 80.

The Green Bastards - Canadianheel

To be a heel, one must first produce so haters have something to hate. Calling yourself The King's label yet not sending shivers down anyone's spine is the type of the manager that think a secondary offense with McCann Cozens Crouse Dunn can compete with the big boys. Hyman and Drai will need to be in on every Oiler PP goal for this team to stand a chance.

Linkin Puck - SergeantBBQ

Member last year when nephews took Tage 1st round and it shot back onto their faces? This year it'll be the same but with less pent up pressure compared to last year's "consensus 1st rounder". Now as a consensus 3rd, one needs to realize Tage only had 6PF more than Letang, 5 more than Tom Wilson, 6 less than ROR. For comparison, the player BBQ took one around above, Forsberg, had 503.

Rank D-

Lil Wayne Gretzky - CTonyJab

Not many know CTonyJab, but he's one of the few in the game who is reasonable at the trading table. This skill might come in handy early in the season after he drafted what is looking like a catholic church. Crosby Karlsson Kopitar Giroux Varlamov Andersen are so old but then it's straight to the little boys Celebrini Clarke Zegras. Where is the solid reliable core when the old guys can't last? Start the trading table talks.

Hello, my name is Elder Crouse - leapinliz

When I click on the team I already see a pile of injured players. Of course, one of them is Laine. Losing a 11th like that sucks, but even without the injured statuses she's got Eichel, Nuke, Jeff Skinner, Kane, Bennett who combine for one full season. Even without looking at the manager, it doesn't take too much brain power to see this is a signature leapinliz team.

Rock Em' Sock Em' Ron - bs_eng

When you use your degree as your online alias it's usually a sign that university was the greatest highlight of your life and everything else sucks in comparison. A perfect example is this team. Outside of Pasta/Point/Reinhart/Dobson there's nobody who is a lock for 4PF+. I mean, the only other players who did it last year were Marchand Arvidsson and Coleman.

DropTheGloves - DropTheGloves

Chips are won in mid draft and moves made during the season. This is because a lot of the times it kinda doesn't matter who you pick with the top few picks because they're all superstars. When that trio is the Hughes brothers and Kempe though, it just doesn't have the same dominance as other teams so mid draft is even more important, unfortunatley in this case led by Bob 5.14 and Caufield 6.1.

Rank F

Walzing into D1 - yoshirider2136

First of all, it's waltzing. But if it's not a typo and the name is a Tim Walz pun then it's an automatic F without looking at the roster. I looked anyway, and well, it's still an F. Yeah you won the McDavid lottery but then what you do? Draft two MORE pure C with Aho and Barkov instead of W/D. It's like there's no thought in planning and decision maki...wait. Hmm on second thought, I guess the team name does suit you perfectly, except it's D4 not D1.

Rank A

Saving Sakic - dzibanche

Show me a trio except for AM34 Bouchard Hyman that is better than MacKinnon Guentzel JRob. You can't. JRob was consensus 1st last year and unlike Tage, he is more consistent. Sure Konecny and Barzal are a round too high and Ullmark is lame, but later on dzi redeems himself with Fantilli 11th and Jarry 13th. Take notes nephews, this is how you draft. The only A team in all of D2.

Rank B+

Big Stanky Johnstons - barrill

The only other team who could challenge dzi for the title, barrill has drafted a team this year reminisce of his glowing review centuries ago that he ultimately screwed up. Trocheck Schiefele good. Forsberg Ovechkin amazing. Rantanen Tuch sick. Then you can't go wrong with Josh Norris in 15th. Just dress your players for the season and log off, you'll be in the playoffs.

Rank C-

I'm Bettman - itsme242

After over a decade of domination, it is pretty easy for The King to glance at a team and quickly see if it's a powerhouse or not. The latter is true here. The power after the top it's DeBrincat Horvat Necas Duchene which is as unintimidating as it gets, but for this level of competition shown below, it sadly might be enough.

Rank D+

Oh, The Thinks You Can Think! - Kattsumoto

The days of kitty kat being a top tier threat is long gone. It's strange how that works. At one time top-tier moves were consistently made making The King take note early at the height of his prime, and now fast forward to 2024-2025 and top tier moves still exist in the form of picks like Erikssson Ek over Kyle Connor.

Democratic People's Republic of Kariya - kjohnm

Another McDavid team, another flop. It seems we are long past the wtf is kjohnm memes but gems like Timo on the 1st turnaround instead of JRob and Slafkovsky in 6th makes it feel like we're time travelling back to the past to the good old days when kjohnm sucked. Sure it's McDavid, cool cool, but these turnarounds are not nephew friendly.

Rank D

Gritty Gritty Bang Bang - MorphineSmile

It's hard to believe my Trump Trump has had two more assassination attempts in 2 months than Morphine has chips in his 12 years in OTH. That is quite the accolade and surely this tradition will carry on with visionary picks like Kreider in the 3rd. You know who's next on the no-chip list? Mason at 11 years, I just had to mention his name here because it's the only chance I get.

Easy Kaprizee - concini

When The King clicked on the team, he was hoping for an easy job because of the namesake. After all it's Connie, I'll just write the review directly in the B-ish area. Then as I navigate my mouse on my XL Pelosi mousepad over the player names BOOM what do I see? Jack Eichel 2.6. Trevor Zegras, 11.9. Yeah, no. Cutting and pasting that nonsense down to the D-cups.

Puppies on Ice - TooManyPuppies

How can anyone take this pussy league seriously when the team names are Puppies on Ice or Peace and Love? Are you going to thank your opponent every time they bukkake on your face arigatou gozaimashita because trust, there will be many opportunites for that to happen when Johnston Caufield Ehlers Skjei bust as expected.

Rank D-

Solar Bears - friendo

Drafting Karlsson Hanifin and Ekblad can go very very bad very very quick. Add in Cooley, PLD, Teravainen, JT, the Cane's dispersed line attack, you've got a team that's destined to disappoint in one way or another, similar to friendo's fluke one-time trip to D1 last season. It's been a linear journey for friendo, going from D4-D3-D2-D1-D2, and anyone can guess the pattern what comes next.

Peace and Love - JayWilly

After being in the league for so long, you'd think JayWilly understands how the rules work, so allow The King to edumacate you once again. We are NOT playing keeper, so sorry to interrupt your happy times session staring at young boys but Celebrini and Michkov and Hutson are not going to help you achieve orgasm.

Coffin Flop - MSteve

Of all the years, has there ever been a team where the D has the potential to be the core PF producer? Extremely rare. With Josi Faber Montour Clarke that can happen, especially when the forwards are Moore Arvidsson Kadri Byfield Frost Zetterlund Marchenko. Enjoy your first and only time to the big leagues.

BuckNuts - mnm501288

There are those who perennially are at the bottom D2 tier level of skill and mnm is the poster child of that category. And this draft shows why. Kyle Connor landed onto him in the 4th, however mnm wasted that by using all this brain power to reach Kochetkov in the 12th, with no singular brain cell thinking of taking Freddy who went 17th to some other team.

Rank F

Shesterkin My Knob - gumbosious

The King does wonder how much Shesterkining you were doing when you decided to take Frank Vatrano early 5th. I imagine it has to be a fetish like cake farts. The problem is when he does suck rancid herpe balls, you have no one to replace him because Frank Vatrano is your BEST WINGER. Shesterkin on that.

Hockey Style - tgmills

This motherfucking bitch move right here is why tgmills is not getting a review.

https://preview.redd.it/y4b14lu9rmsd1.png?width=3225&format=png&auto=webp&s=c18f4f780e07671e0c14d8d9aa14f1ac16321a7e

Rank B+

Ogie Ogilthorpe - marcram

There's a lot of like about this team, which is a surprise because it's marcram. Crosby/Barkov/Jenner at C, Slaf/Fiala LW, Rantanen/Bratt/Terry RW, and Matheson/Werenski/Trouba/Durzi D. It's a shame Crosby was taken instead of a stud LW which would turn this team into Rank A material. But for a lifelong mid D2 manager you can't expect too much.

Rank B

Denim Chicken - sleeptalkerz

sleeptalkerz is a proven vet, and this draft is a perfect example of how not to fuck up a top 3 pick. Consensus is McDavid, MacKinnon, Matthews. These are all pure C, so sleeptalkerz in round 2 and 3 takes Stamkos (LW) and Reinhart (RW). I can't begin to tell you how soft I get when I see a string of pure Cs taken only to have them locked into F and F/D positions for the season.

Divorced Guys - bruceitup

Is it finally time for bruce to rid himself of the Agent 108 label? Drai is this year's consensus 6OA after a "down" year in which he still had 106 points. I think he's a better pick than Pasta Brady who were taken before and after. Sure next 3 picks were Hughes Shesterkin and McAvoy but he still got Marchand and Bath next two rounds. I can guarantee this roster will be better than 108th unless bruce fucks it up which most likely will happen.

Rank C+

I love it when they call me big Zacha - ronan00

Ronan can finally breath a sigh of relief after getting cockblocked by The King two years in a row being in the same division. Looking at the field of managers though, he should be a contender, even if you include his sus picks like Mercer, Bertuzzi, and Zach Benson. The biggest risk is Timo, and managers (The King included) have been burnt in the past taking him. He may good, he may suck, either way, too random to be taken 3.1.

Rank C-

Queen Anne’s Lake Monsters - MWHazard

Last year's goalie pre-ejaculation choke on Sunday vs The King in the semis gave Haz endless nightmares about DeSmith and Silovs. To remedy that, Haz did the only thing he could do and that is to draft Demko 9th, who doesn't have a timeline to return. Not to worry, when those Canuck tighty whities are soaked, rest assured Silovs will be there for you once again.

Cow Tipping Mafia - ImminentFate

Kempe, Dobson, Verhaeghe, Vatrano all had career years last year. If you take one, whatever. Take two of them, meh. Three? Easy there. But all FOUR and at picks 3-4-6-9? That's like going to a gay club in the ghettos of Botswana and not expecting STDs after getting gloryhole gangbanged.

Rank D+

Kuchie Kuchie Stu - slaw47

Not getting a top 4 pick may seem a disadvantage especially with that weak team name, but how can you not like M.Tkachuk and Panarin as your 1-2? Similar to many D2 pretenders, the draft falls apart somewhere down the line, and with slaw that's 5-7 with Miro Caufield and Hischier. Last season, the 3 players combined for 4.1PF. Is that round 5-7 material? Mark my words - Caufield is THE most overrated fantasy player in the league.

TBA - DonPaita

First two picks of AM34 and Bouchard is a no-brainer. But Tage over Ovechkin? Keller over anyone else next two rounds? Skipping Otter 5th which is ok pick, it's Tippett Karlsson Matvei Michkov 6-7-8 until redemption with Bennett in the 9th. This is so deserving of all TBA teams. Enjoy the suck.

Rank D

Resting Mitch Face - Rhyme-Thyme

I can't count the number of times I've seen teams got lucky with the first few picks then completely waste it in later picks. It's signature nephew. Kyle Connor was gifted to Rhyme at the end of 3rd round but then 7th on it's Montour Sergachev Benn Laine Pietrangelo Chychrun. You may think, "OmG SeRChaGeV LuLz" Seattle is not Florida. Good luck getting PF with Beniers McCann Eberle expecting Barkov Tkachuk Reinhart levels of power.

Fantasy Hockey HC - NorlandoBloom

How many Gustavs do you need on your team until you realize that your team sucks? Gustav Nyquist, Filip Gustavsson, Eric Gustafsson, fuck it I'll even throw in Cutter Gustavthier and Shayne Gustavbehere. What's the common theme here? They're all Gustavshit. Had you been obsessed with taking Connors, you might actually have a decent team. GTFO here GustavBloom.

tooslow - tooproforyou

toopro's name gets more ironic year after year. I can't decide which move was more professional move for The King, Eichel 2nd or Wyatt Johnston 4th. Rest of the roster is filled with boring mediocre players like Rielly Rust Ehlers Hertl who will never outproduce their ADP. The only saving grace is if Swayman holds out all year and Korpisalo goes from worst goalie in the league to Vezina.

Rank D-

Trey B - TreyBien

Turd nuggets who draft Trocheck in the 3rd round do not deserve a high grade. It's surprising to me that outside of Hasek where he went 4th round, all other upper divs took him in 3rd. Shit like this is why nephews should not care too much about ADP. It's Vincent Trocheck. STOP. It makes DeBrusk 8th look like a steal.

Bert and Erne - Howe_U_Doin

It's no secret a good winger team is the key to success in OTH. Brady and Guentzel were taken, but the next green on the draft board is none other than Blake Coleman. Really? Blake Coleman? And you might think, well there are many dual-elig this year, so he does the obvious and loads up on Barzal 4th Giroux 9th. I mean it's typical scooter move, The King wouldn't have expected anything less shitacular.

Rank F

Ullmark’s the Spot - Khaki_Scout

It must be nerve wracking for a nephew's first experience in an upper div draft. It's like years of reading Playboy and roleplaying with two stress balls, then one day you finally get to feel a real pair of tit. And like the noob he is, the left and right titties were in the form of Swayman and Georgiev in super early rounds, leaving Kane and Skinner as the team's top pure wingers and Forsling as the 2nd D. Go unpeel those Playboy pages, you'll need them.

Welcome back for another year of OTH! Fill out the following registration form, and invites will start going out in early-September for drafts September 27th-30th: https://forms.gle/DAn53vF5JTsU1W8L6

Heads up the mod crew is super busy with various life events in September, so communication may be a bit sparser/delayed this year.

Also, a reminder, most of our league activity happens on the discord. As you can tell the subreddit is dead. On the contrary, our discord is quite lively even through the summer. Benefits include hockey/fantasy chat, non-hockey channels, live goal reporting for every NHL game, and opportunities to join leagues/pools with other members, both for hockey and other sports. Here's a link to join: https://discord.com/invite/zXTUtj9

###OVERALL POINTS LEADERS - Who has scored the most points this season?

###OVERALL POINTS LEADERS - Who has scored the most points this season?

###OVERALL POINTS LEADERS - Who has scored the most points this season?

###OVERALL POINTS LEADERS - Who has scored the most points this season?

###OVERALL POINTS LEADERS - Who has scored the most points this season?

###OVERALL POINTS LEADERS - Who has scored the most points this season?

###OVERALL POINTS LEADERS - Who has scored the most points this season?

###OVERALL POINTS LEADERS - Who has scored the most points this season?