Hi I’m 18F and recently I’ve been exploring my more dominant side and getting to know more submissive men.

It hasn’t been the best and I’m not sure if it’s something I’m doing or just them. Most of the guys I’ve talked to only seem to talk to me when there horny or want something out of it but never take the time to actually get to know me outside of that ☠️ I recently made a post saying how I was looking for a romantic bdsm relationship because I know some people who do both ! But boy was I wrong for having high hopes , every guy that dmed me didn’t care to actually date me but only wanted the “ gentle dom of there dreams “ I’m so tired of this and I just want to find someone who actually can match my freak and love me too smh .

Hi everyone, I don’t know why I’m writing this, I guess just to vent. I met a domme in August and we’ve been slowly building toward making a relationship. To the point where she’s telling close friends and family that we’re working toward it. She had some bad trauma which is why she wants to take it slow but I’ve accepted that and been understanding going at her pace. I want to be with her so bad but I’ve stayed patient to show her how much she means to me.

It felt like the last few weeks especially the last 2 we were really getting closer. I was feeling sub space and was just thinking about her all the time.

We agree to non monogamy and playing with cuckolding, so I don’t want this post to turn into a discussion around why the kink is bad, I know a lot of people dislike and that’s fine but we don’t and we’re okay with it and enjoy it so don’t yuck our yum, I’m only going into this for context. Anyway on to the story, She has some fwb from before me. She hasn’t seen any of her fwb since like September I think though, when we were less serious, because of how busy she was. But the other day she said she was going to visit one of them. I guess it caught me a little off guard. I had the “cuck angst”. When she came back I felt like something was wrong in me but I didn’t know what. Later that day I had a really upsetting thing happen in my career, no need for the details but I was upset about that. So I was feeling that on top of feeling weird about the cuckolding.

I think we could have better prepared the situation and the aftercare. I told her I said stuff on my mind about it and I wrote it out where I could better think. I said I was nervous about sharing because I didn’t want it held against me. But she made me feel secure that she wouldn’t and that I should communicate openly. So I did. She sent an equally long reply. Some things she agreed with and some thing she didn’t and some things she also communicated she was hurt by. It was clear that we just had some misunderstandings, I didn’t think there was anything that couldn’t be fixed by talking out to which she agreed. I was relieved because I’m apprehensive of losing her by making one wrong step. My reply after that took me 90 mins to write, she read it and thanked me for sharing but I said we’re better off talking about this in person to which she agreed again.

So here’s where the real shit has stated. We talked on the phone Tuesday morning, I kind of brought up one or two things about what we were talking about but she didn’t really reply and changed subject so I left it. She hung up on me pretty abruptly as a co worker walked in. So what I did after was that I walked around downtown looking at the tall buildings aimlessly wandering tryna just take my focus off the weird feeling in the air between us. I just needed to get to Wednesday where I would get the bus to her place and we could talk it all out but I didn’t really wanna think about it till then which is hard for me because I have an over active mind. Around 4 I met with a friend, went for a beer, she text me then but I didn’t reply straightaway cause I was talking to my friend at the bar obviously. We went back to his and watched a movie. I got home around 9:30. I didn’t reply to the text at this point that I had left open because she told me she’d be going to bed around 7 when we had the call in the morning because she and exhausting day before with little sleep, so I said I’d leave it till morning. I briefly woke up around 7 ish and replied and then i left my ringtone on in case she wanted to call as she drove to work.

Come 10am still no reply so I sent her a message asking could she let me know what time to get the bus at, I was completely shocked to receive a message back informing me that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to meet anymore and start going into details of when I was last active on Tik Tok instagram etc. I was stunned I really didn’t think she was like that. Shes shown me not one insecurity since I met her. She’s often not replied thru the day like I did the day before, I never thought anything of it, I just thought it was a texting habit which is fine, my ex used to jump up my ass for not texting so I thought it was healthy to not expect constant texts even though it’s fun.

I explained to her everything I did the day before and why I didn’t text back. I then text her and said could she please let me know if I should get the bus which takes an hour to get to her, I followed up with another text saying the last bus is 2:15 and I need to know now. I watched 3 buses go by including the 2:15. Then I headed home devastated. This is my first week off work since the summer, I live a continent away from home, all my friends are away for the holidays, I’m really alone this week and this was the one thing I was excited for. I was gutted. Hours went by and eventually she text saying she needed time to process those messages. In one of the message I said why are you looking at my activity and trying to think of conspiracy theories as to why I didn’t reply. I think she took offence to this and I apologised. But the rest of the message was explaining that she was really busy in work which I believe, she told me she’d be working later as it’s before the holidays.

But my problem with that excuse is why did she message me at 11 am ish to say “I don’t know what the plan is” if she didn’t have any intention on replying to a follow up message. She should have said yes come or no don’t come. Sitting watching those buses go by waiting for a text not knowing what was going on were some of the most humiliating moments of my life. I was so upset when I got home after I eventually gave up.

As I write this I still haven’t heard from Her, since Thursday. I guess the irony is I did the same thing the day before but we weren’t on bad terms and I had a simple explanation, I just ended up busy and stuff. I thought considering she always does this she’d be totally ok with me being busy and not being on my phone. She took offence to me saying worlds like “calm” and said I broke her trust. I again apologised profoundly. I asked if she’d be kind enough to let me know if she had no intention at speaking to me for the rest of the day but she didn’t let me know. she’s ghosting me now ever since, she knows that I’ve been having a rough week with work, feeling alone with no family on my week off, and feeling sad about this shit lingering with us. I feel totally abandoned. I may have said things that she didn’t like when communicating my feelings and whatever but I was open to dialogue and communication. I asked her weeks ago what can I do better and she said that I can be better at not worrying about what I can do better. The minute I make a mistake I’ve been abandoned. If she’s offended by words I used that’s ok I’ll apologise again and again and holds my hands up. If I missed anything I’ll say sorry for that too! I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I didn’t mean to hurt her. At the same time it feels cruel that all it took was for a stupid misstep and mistake in wording to potentially kill what I thought was something special building. Maybe she doesn’t believe me that it was a genuine mistake. Whatever it is I don’t know and I wish I could change it. I feel like this is so harsh and undeserved. I really don’t feel from my experience with her she’d ever go out and hurt me on purpose. Part of me wonders if she’s dealing with something else. But there’s no way to know because I’m totally blocked out. Everything is speculation.

I really see a bright future for us. I think she’s totally amazing. Have never connected with someone like this. I’m not from here, I’ve been exploring a multitude of options so I can stay for her. But I’m worried this is the end and the next message will be the final one, or maybe I’ve already received my last text and I’ll never see her again. Part of me hopes I don’t receive a final text because I know when it happens I’m gonna be extremely nervous and my heart will start racing and I hate that feeling, it’s part of the reason I’m in this mess right now cause the few texts I did get this week made me panic, I was intent to fix things and I ended up saying more stuff when I wasn’t thinking straight that she found offence to. These last two days I’ve felt more peace of mind and more calm and I know that next text is gonna make me feel shit and go backwards.

Right now I’m contemplating staying back in my home country after the holidays when I’m due to go home for 2 weeks and taking a year career break. I was gonna take one in April but then I met her and now I wanted to stay for her but now after everything I’m thinking at actually speeding up my career break and just not returning. It’s been an upsetting week.

So instead of being alone I thought maybe the community could help me feel better and give some advice. If you made it this far thank you. If I could have done anything better or have any general advice please let me know.

I’m in a new and fun dynamic with a guy who loves being edged. I’m not very experienced with dominating (just 2 years) so I have a hard time finding the right terminology for this dynamic. However, he enjoys doing whatever gives me pleasure, he likes CNC play, and he likes knowing that I own him.

We had our first edging play session the other day and it was very hot. I enjoyed watching him get off on the dialogue I did use. He’s a little new to edging too so he’s also having a hard time articulating what he likes to hear during play.

What turns on your submissive when you edge him? What gets him going? He doesn’t necessarily have to enjoy the same dynamic as my sub. I’m open to hearing anything. I’d like to hear from guys as well.

EDIT: subs can have a unique mix of kinks, yes, but I’m still open to all your answers! Thanks again! :)

I'm feeling confused. I'm a woman and know that I'm submissive at my core, it's how I've always been, but I have switched in the past and discovered that I have dominant desires. I expressed those desires a handful of times, emotionally exhausted myself and haven't had those feelings for maybe four years. Now, im feeling them again but something else, too. I know sexuality is fluid so maybe I'm looking for a concrete answer whether there isn't one.

Regardless, being a Domme, exercising and expressing femininity in that way is different even from the way a man dominates, isn't it? A Domme can own and use her sub's cock as her own, maybe even go as far as adopting masculine habits or clothing, but it's still rooted in femininity.

To veer off topic for the purpose of comparison, sissies. That’s a man embracing femininity to the fullest extent but what's the female version of that? I've never heard of masculinization. If anything, that leads us to butch lesbians, which still isn't the antithesis of sissies. Straight, masculine women exist, i.e. Rhea Ripley. She's feminine enough to be lusted after but undoubtedly masculine in appearance and ability.

I'd really love to know if I'm misunderstanding or misinterpreting this. Or is it exactly the same: there are men out there that are receptive to a woman having masculine fantasies, in the same vein that men have submissive fantasies? It just doesn't seem like it's the same to me but maybe I have it wrong and I'm trying to compare apples to oranges. I feel frustrated wanting to be more masculine.

(I'm using a throwaway account for added anonymity but I assure you, I'm not a bot)

For context, I'm an asexual guy who's new in exploring this side of myself. Another thing about me is, I'm cautious (or cowardly perhaps) to a fault against risks and danger in anything I do.
Getting through a few resources here and outside, I formed an understanding that a good place to start my exploration with are

1. Meeting people in munches (In as much as it's simply social and casual).
2. Usual dating apps with early and ample communication on what I'm looking for.
3. Personals here in reddit.

While these are great practical suggestions to work on, I'd like to hear about how folks here dealt with the fear(if any) of personal information in these forums being exploited by some potential malicious actors against them.

Thanks in advance. Cheers!

So my current sub shared with some of his friends that I'm a dom. One of them is kinda pudgy, which I'm personally not interested in - I like fit subs, not body shaming.

He reached out and asked if I could be his dom and I politely declined him. But he responded that he could pay me for it.

Idk what to do with this? I'm a broke new college grad so money would be nice. But it also seems... messy? Like what acts are legal, whag aren't? Don't I need to worry about that if I take money? How much do I charge? What if he doesn't pay?

Like I dunno what to do with this request tbh... part of me says yes, part of me says heck no.

Any ideas and suggestions would really be appreciated. Comments would be much better than PMs because I'm unable to check my inbox. I'm writing this post on behalf of my Mistress who needs to access some chat bots so that she could give me tasks and punishments on a daily basis to keep an eye on my progress as a submissive. Keep in mind that we are currently into an online dynamic with possibilities to meet in the future.

So, I am running an anonymous account (due to personal reasons) but I’m afraid that subs aren’t going to think I’m a real person if I don’t show my face. I have other piercings and tattoos on my body that would make me identifiable if I posted them so I’m not quite sure of what content I should post. I’ve been posting a lot of foot and leg pics, but not quite sure what I should do with the rest of my body and my face. I would be grateful for any advice!

Hello ladies,

A few years ago, I posted about being a man who identified as gay being into femdom (on an old, now deleted account): https://old.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/comments/posum8/gay_male_into_femdom/

As I said in that post, I'd exclusively been romantically drawn to men. However, I had had some boyhood fantasies about being dominated by women, especially older women, but I never really acted on it and felt a bit weird about it.

I finally got up the nerve to seek out an experience with a woman earlier this year. I had lurked on Fetlife and other apps, but didn't get the nerve to post/send pictures and fill out my profile for over a year. Then, for some reason, my libido amped up to 11 earlier this year and I kept having fantasies about women again. I decided to put myself out there and see if anything happened. An older woman (around 60; I'm in my 30s) messaged me on there and complimented me on some of the pics I had where I was wearing a suit. She was attractive, seemed pretty confident and very persistent and into me, which was a huge turn on. We messaged daily for a few weeks, and I started to get more and more turned on by the thought of meeting this woman, and so we planned to meet one weekend in April.

She is unmarried. She is very successful, and lives alone in a big house in a pretty expensive neighborhood about 30 minutes from me. I was literally shivering, teeth clattering driving up there. I remember just the butterflies in my stomach and pounding in my chest and feeling hot in my head walking out of my car up her driveway. I'd never been with a woman before. It had only been fantasy that I'd never really taken very seriously. I couldn't believe I was actually doing this. I felt kind of dissociated when I rung her doorbell.

She opened the door and she was beaming to see me dressed in a suit like she'd requested, lol. I couldn't help but grin like a idiot. She invited me in. She was petite, well-maintained body. Nice face, barely a wrinkle. Shortish graying hair with hints of blonde still in there. Black yoga pants and black blouse. We chatted, drank wine, she played with my tie. I massaged her feet on the couch (I've got a foot fetish). Nothing much happened that first time, but we cuddled a bit on the couch with my arm around her while we watched TV into the evening. I gave her a kiss. My first kiss with a woman.

I did get anxious and felt a bit conflicted for weeks afterward, but I found myself coming back almost every weekend. She was very insistent, and it turned me on that she kind of wanted to take over my free time, to take over my thoughts, occupy my mind almost all the time. It was dominating in a soft, insidious way and I enjoyed every time she pulled me into her spell and made me come over.

The domination aspect was always very soft, subtle. Nothing really overt. She just liked me dressing up in a suit and tie to see her every weekend, letting me take care of her feet, give her massages on the couch, just devoting time and attention to her, kissing her softly on the shoulders and neck and then lips. It turns out I was less into the whips and chains than I'd expected. We didn't need to do that for it me to feel like I was submitting to her will. She just wanted me to be attentive and devoted, and that was enough.

We started going out in public together. We went to classical music concerts, movies, art exhibitsm even the opera; gentile things like that. A couple times we met with her friends for a show or dinner, and she'd tease me by introducing me to her friends as her "boy toy", which made me a bit uncomfortable, but I grinned and bore it. She gave me gifts. Ties, a fancy shaving set (she likes me clean shaven every time we meet; can't stand men with beards -- this little, subtle control over my appearance was hot as well and I started getting boners when I'd shave to meet her lol).

Eventually, it progressed to sex. Slowly, me worshiping her feet, then working my way up her legs with kisses, then closer and closer, until I found myself going down on her. It felt natural, and the we moved onto the more full bodied kind of love. I don't even know if femdom came into it at this point, because we were both doing what we wanted to do. It felt good. We made love repeatedly over the course of the night the first time it happened because I kept getting hard at the thought of what had just happened. We progressed to some more intense stuff. I'd eat her ass ad pussy out, and even let her piss on me, which was crazy and very hot and we fucked like animals right after.

It was such an intense and different experience that completely changed the way I'd thought of myself sexually. It became a bit too intense, and we had to cool off after a while. I've only met with her sporadically since the summer, and things seemed to have reached a less ardent note as the cooler season set it.

I'm not sure where we're going from here. I don't think she wants anything too committed after being single for so long. She seems to enjoy her independence, and I'm fine with that. I don't think I can handle the intensity of the summer again, but I'm so glad I gave in and gave this part of myself a chance to come out and gave in to her persistence.

That's all I have to share for now. Thanks for all of the support and clarity you all provided me the last time I posted here three years ago. I love you ladies (and gentlemen) for helping me materialize this.

https://discord.gg/prickyourfinger

We are a small, tight-knit group of mature and welcoming individuals who share a passion for intersectional femdom, woman-aligned queerdom, power exchange, and other related kinks. Our server focuses on being a safe and inclusive space for everyone. To that end, we maintain a code of etiquette that creates a productive and welcoming environment. We also maintain a diverse moderation team and regularly seek input from members of the server so that we can always strive to improve.

Tried joining in the past and got overwhelmed? One of our amazing members made this to help you out!

https://gamergirlp.ee/i/1eozt.jpg

In our commitment to creating an ADULT-ONLY safe space, we prioritize PRIVACY and security. Upon joining our server, you will initially have access only to the rules, verification instructions (detailed below, with examples!), and a dedicated welcome area. Importantly, YOU WILL NOT SEE OTHER MEMBERS IN THE SERVER UNLESS THEY'VE ALREADY OPTED INTO TO ASSIST NEW MEMBERS, and the visible channels are not indicative of our overall activity. Full access to the server's content and discussions is granted AFTER YOU COMPLETE THE AGE VERIFICATION PROCESS. This step is crucial to ensure a private and protected environment for all members. Your understanding and cooperation in maintaining the integrity of our shared-interest space are greatly appreciated.

In this server, AFTER AGE VERIFICATION you can expect to find:

• Multiple channels for discussion of everything from kink to crafts and more.

• Active VC channels

• Server discussions in our questions channel

• Channels for venting and discussing serious topics

A key part of our server is the optional protocol culture we maintain. We refer to this as a dynamic scene. Subs opting into the scene will be expected to follow rules like referring to dominant members by their chosen titles. Dominant and switch members will gain exclusive privileges like a private dominant chat for peer support, and the ability to assign custom roles to their partners.

While we encourage everyone to participate in the scene, participation is not required! You are free to join this server and choose the non-participant role upon entry. You will be welcomed into the group the same as any other member!

To ensure the safety and well-being of our members, verification is required upon joining. This process involves providing a valid ID such as a passport or driver's license, along with a photo of yourself holding it with your face clearly visible. The birthdate on the ID must be visible, and any other personal information can be crossed out. For an example of what we are looking for, please view the following image:

https://gamergirlp.ee/i/qtl5o.png

The verification process ensures that all members are adults and protects against any potential malicious actors.

https://discord.gg/prickyourfinger

We are seeking individuals who:

1. Are emotionally mature, an adult, and are willing to verify their age before joining.
2. Want to be part of a theatrical group of kink enthusiasts, who are passionate about femdom and woman-aligned queerdom, power exchange, and other related kinks.
3. Are able to actively engage in group discussions, and participate in server events.
4. Are supportive, open-minded, loving of all bodies, and are non-discriminatory.

We hope that you will consider joining our server!

Upon entry, you will be let into our welcome room. Please feel free to ask the members of the welcome crew any questions you might have about the space.

https://discord.gg/prickyourfinger

Hi everyone! [M]e (30) and my g[F] come from a long "deadbedroom" journey. I always was pretty kinky and since i know chastity for some years i tried to reintroduce it by asking Her if She wanted to try being my KH.

I told Her in a letter (we used to write looooong love letters when we were in school) that I recently spent a few days in chastity, spending quality time and massaging Her while feeling submissive as fuck was an increduble experience for me and made me more attentive to Her needs, this created a whole new sensuality between us without the "mandatory" sex after this.

And....she said YES 😍 😍

Also, for some reason, Her behavior in bed when i wear the cage is SO FUCKING HOT, she was surprised at first when I told her how hot, dominant and proactive she was when I'm in this sub mood. (Bro, she asked me to jerk off in cage while she's using her satisfyer in front of me 🥵, she said "do you think you could end in the cage?" Sadly, i wasn't able to do it so she unlocked me. I even told Her I was a bit sad/humiliated -in a good way!- i was not able to)

Now she asked me if I had ideas on how to hold these keys, what kind of teasing she should do, at what frequency etc... Although i'm not a long term wearer for now, I love having to please her while i'm teased and feel my frustration going up until she decides to unlock me.

On one side, I do want to tell her what makes me horny, on the other side, I don't want to top from the bottom so I decided to ask here if you have ideas on teasing/servicing daily games funishments eventually (idk if she want to but let's explore what needs to be explored).

As far as I know, we're in a light gentle femdom space, rules must keep being minimal as it's certainly a heavy mental charge for Her and I don't want us to be overwhelmed with the risk for it to be too much so we drop the nice dynamic that has been instaured.

I'm into : teasing, prostate/pegging, pleasing and servicing, not too much into humiliation but like being reminded of my place, i'm already asking her before cumming...

She's into : receiving massages, taking pleasure from me (she loves my fingers), idk if she's into assigning tasks and i think she's ready to tease me but have no idea on how to do it.

For example, this morning, i told her as an example that it'd be hot to cage me before She leave. So she made me put my cage on (i would be too excited to let Her do it with Her own hands) and She locked it before leaving. Also she asked me to take the trash out (i still don't know if I will do it or if i want to be bratty about that so I see if she's willing to punish me in any kind of forms).

So yeah, if you have ressources rules or ideas on how to help Her taking the keys ownership with the whole dominant mood it implies we would be thankful.

Also: we used to be sextoy reviewers so we have a bunch of articles to (re)try on us, don't hesitate to include devices (dildos, vibrator, pegging harness, handcuffs, ropes........) in your suggestions !

Thanks for your help 🙏

Is Alt.com as a whole just one big scam? lol or am I just like uniquely scammer bait? Do you people use any sites besides Feeld or fetlife to meet people?

I'm after some suggestions to make my Socials more interesting for my finsubs. I mean, I have some great, very generous, subs. But I feel like I could do more to keep it interesting for them. Any advice would be appreciated.

Hi everybody!

I’ve been seeing a lot of posts recently from women feeling insecure about how to dirty talk or interact with their sub in a scene, and I wanted to share my advice on how I learned to get better at it.

First off, awkwardness totally makes sense, if you’re someone like me who isn’t very naturally dominant in real life! Or if your primary experience is subbing or you’re just new to this, it’s completely normal and you’re not alone in feeling that way.

I was never going to be able to pull off that porn-perfect absolutely in control vibe—that’s just not me. But I could do something else…

To set the scene, about four years ago I was dating a woman who was def subby, and we liked each other a lot, but things had always remained a bit… awkward when we tried to have scenes together, something never clicked.

Then one evening we we getting high, eating snacks and watching anime (okay specifically it was the frieza arc in dbz) and I noticed that every time the villain came on screen, she… perked up a little, like her body was unconsciously responding a little. I turned to her and I asked her if she was into what she was seeing and she blushed and said she hadn’t even realized it but yeah.

That night we had a scene together, and it went AMAZINGLY!! I no longer felt like I had to struggle to dom her, I felt that I knew exactly how to dom her. I wasn’t just anyone in the scene, I was specifically that villain. I could copy his mannerisms to be cool, relaxed, nonchalant, but also bemused by everything that was happening but also have a petty streak. Dirty talk came much more naturally because I had watched so many examples showing me the intonation and energy of the vibe she desired.

And now it felt like no pressure at all because it was play, it was make believe and it was entering into a fun role! I’ve tried to recreate this with all the dynamics I’ve had, watching media together and trying to sus out what types of villainous or powerful characters my subs respond to, and what about those characters I can embody myself in the role.

Hi there! My girlfriend and I are starting to explore deeper into FemDom, and one of the things we’re most excited to try is chastity. So we were wondering if anyone here had recommendations for reputable companies to buy from for a first time wearer.

Some things to note:

Any material is fine, (metal, plastic, silicone etc) however she really wants me to have a clear plastic cage if possible

One site we’ve been looking at particularly is House of Denial. Are they a reputable, high quality company?

How risky is it to buy a cheaper cage on Amazon or similar sites?

We have looked into sizing guides, backing rings, cage lengths etc and know how to measure appropriately. We’re also not looking for anything crazy small, flat, or anything with a urethra tube. Just a basic beginner’s cage that won’t break the bank but also will last long and won’t cause any discomfort.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Have read the ultimate guide to tease and denial by Georgia Green looking for another option.

We are in to chastity play but the tease and denial isnt her specialty. I know theres a million articles online but preferably looking to purchase a physical copy

Looking for a book that discusses preferably in the relm of chastity but not required

Edging Ruined Orgasms Milking

Bonus points if it talks about chastity lifestyle as well

Hiii!!! I’m a 20 yo f, identify she/her

I’ve recently run into a new femboy who is supppppper into being dommed, however… that’s all new territory for me.. we’ve kind of been talking back and forth and playing around with the idea of me domming him… I just feel so reserved and am not sure what to do for him…

I’m also a little reserved to discuss some of the things he has asked me to do, however, some of it is very out of my comfort zone and I’ve actually enjoyed most of it.

I’m just wanting him to feel the same way, I personally have a lot of limits to what I will and won’t do, he, does not.

He wants me to talk dirty to him but I feel like I don’t know how to start because honestly, I’ve only ever been a sub… I’m enjoying playing the new territory but feel like you can tell that I don’t know what I’m doing 😭🤣🤦🏼‍♀️ please helppppp

Would like to add I’m looking for ideas/ I also need ideas for online play as he lives kind of far and I only see him every once in a while in person

I read in an article that femdom is mostly targeted to male audience. Just like maledom is also targeted for male audience. In maledom, it is mostly about the man enjoying the woman, but in femdom it is mostly humiliating the man (for the pleasure of the man). Can someone explain why femdom is targeted to men instead of women? And how would femdom look like if it is targeted for female audience? What are the real fantasies of a woman if she would be the dominant one?

Yep, you read that right, I have decided to realise/fulfil my deepest most hidden desire/fantasy.

After having discovered my kinky side roughly 4 years ago, I have spent that much time exploring and learning about FemDom and BDSM.

Only this year did I finally let go of any insecurities I have, and I actually joined Fetlife and went to a couple of nearby munches to finally start making this more of a reality, and actually meet other kinksters irl.

The decision to book a session with a professional mistress is not a light one, it’s one that I have thought long and hard about. Especially, as I’m relatively young, but honestly thats all the more reason why I decided to do this.

So I went about searching online for a pro near me. I had a email exchange with one, however we couldn’t find a date that worked. I then took a break, and then sent out another enquiry to a pro who seemed very well established. And, to my surprise, I got a response back and we have had a regular correspondence going for the past week.

During our first phone call (only a couple of days ago), I was so nervous. Heart racing, voice shaking, I could barely think, just getting this far felt unbelievable - haha :)

The big reason why I decided to go with particular mistress, is because I was able to vet her very well. She had a very well built website, with testimonials, and also had an online presence with clips of her sessions.

Furthermore, vanilla dating has been hard enough, and my particular interests aren’t for the faint hearted. I truly believe this is an important step for me, because for arguments sake let’s say I fall in love with someone who isn’t into kink, at least this way I would have lived out my FemDom fantasy. Which I think is a healthy thing to have done, rather than get older and resent the fact I never explored this side of me.

I still feel quite nervous, so we have scheduled another phone call next week to build more of a rapport before our session.

If anyone here has any tips for how I can just stay chill and relaxed, and basically keep my anxiety at bay in the run up to/on the day of the session, please let me know.

Anyway, this is the only place I have to share this, so stay tuned for the post session update! :)

Also accepting ways your submissives help you.

I did a more intense scene than usual last weekend and I- it is Friday and I still feel incredibly disconnected from sex and kink. I don't know if it's domme drop, or if it's just *handwave* bad timing and this disconnection was inevitable. I was definitely feeling a little off/out of it towards the beginning of the week and it has just gotten worse as the week has gone on. Definitely a lot of doubt/disinterest related thoughts that kind of make me think it's related to the scene vs just some seasonal depression.

Either way, it has me thinking about what are the practices that everyone does to keep themselves feeling sexy, confident and whole? Whether things you do for yourself or that you request from submissive partners (whether short term or long term.)

So here goes. I want to initiate a femdom exchange, what are y’all’s best suggestions on how to discuss initiating this with a partner? For context we currently have pretty normal sex life with some kink here and there.

my boyfriend of >1 month let on to me that he’s a sub and he’s very well experienced in that field, me, on the other hand has only had extremely vanilla sex but i’ve always felt the calling of being a dom. we are most likely going to have our first experience tomorrow and i really really really need advice??? i have no idea how to initiate or do anything and it’s weird to be a clueless dom. advice please 🙏🙏🙏

Hey there. I'd like to inquire anyone's thoughts about taking advantage on men' physique on a kinky, yet obvious way. Any experiences being forced to workout, lift stuff, any physicak chores around the house? Even as fore play, punishment, or anything else. I'd like to hear your take.

TL;DR for the below: I've collated some data that counters some of the most outlandish claims about femdom interest and dating.

You probably don’t need me to tell you that some people react very badly to the idea of femdom. Manosphere types, anti-feminists, tradwives, even some members of the maledom side of the BDSM community – they just have a bee in their bonnet about it. Why? Well, that’s a discussion for another time. Let’s stick for now to the rhetorical tactics they use against this practice.

They usually make one of two main claims. One is aimed at denial and the other at demoralisation. I’ll examine both:

1. The claim that “femdom doesn’t exist outside of porn” – the denial claim.
2. The claim that “women don’t like this, it’s only a male fantasy” – the demoralisation claim.

The denial claim is usually aimed at people who don’t have first-hand experience of femdom, since it can be easily disproven by the personal experience of almost anyone here.

The demoralisation claim is a more insidious one, because it aims to make those who already practice femdom doubt themselves and resent the other party (subs resenting dommes or vice versa). It takes many forms but a key focus is on the dreaded “ratio” of subs to dommes – the aim is to make subs feel like they are aberrant fantasists chasing a vanishingly small number of female dommes, or conversely, to make dommes feel they are being objectified by an army of horny men in search of a kink dispenser. I’ve seen some crazy ratios suggested. Just today I saw someone say it was 100:1 in favour of men! This is clearly ridiculous, but even mainstream publications sometimes publish similar nonsense. This article from Psychology Today has been posted a lot, I have even seen it here on this sub: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/unique-everybody-else/201502/personality-traits-bdsm-practitioners-another-look?amp . It suggests that 96% of women into BDSM activities are subs (!!) for a femdom ratio of over 6:1 sub men : domme women.

The methodology for this study is garbage, of course… the sample size is small (less than 300) and the participants were recruited from a BDSM community on reddit. It probably was \r/bdsmcommunity which is notoriously one-sided, hence why this subreddit exists. But I don’t think it’s enough to simply say “this study doesn’t prove anything”. I think we need to also review the studies and surveys that actively provide evidence of the opposite. As far as I can tell, not many people have done this, so I thought I would collate some here. Sorry, I’m not a scientist, just kinky, so this is just a general overview rather than an academic meta-analysis.

Aella’s surveys

For those who don’t know, Aella is a sex worker who runs informal studies on human sexuality. She doesn’t have a background in data science and it definitely shows in a lot of her work. But the one huge advantage her surveys have is that she has phenomenal reach – the sample sizes are great. Whether they are representative is another matter (I suspect not), but in terms of raw numbers they dwarf any other kink research that I know of. An unfortunate drawback is that they don’t break out by sexuality, that’s a limitation we’re going to have to live with.

Let’s review three of her datasets: the big kink survey, the bdsm types survey, and the porn preferences survey. (Most of the raw data is not available so I have had to summarise from finalised graphs and charts on occasion).

Big kink survey: Massive sample size, it’s now in the hundreds of thousands but I’m not sure how large it was when this snapshot of the raw data was taken. 12% of women fantasise about being dominant, 21% of men fantasise about being submissive. Assuming heterosexuality: ratio of 1.75:1 men:women. https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1OttfEIHVJr5EVOkpUY4wQt81g-y50LMi5Brel_QygAo/edit?gid=0#gid=0

BDSM types survey: This one looks only at BDSM-identified people. Most people in this sample are switches! Ratio of sub+switch men to dom+switch women (i.e. a theoretical ratio of “anyone interested in femdom”) is low at 1.22:1. More men took the survey so I have normalised to sample size, i.e. assumed equal BDSM interest in general. https://aella.substack.com/p/bdsm-subtypes-and-their-prevalence/comments

Porn preferences survey: This one looks at consumers of erotica only. It was striking for how vanilla the sample seems to be in general. Annoyingly, it doesn’t differentiate between “switch” and “no interest in BDSM”, so I have had to calculate the ratio only on participants who expressed a preference one way or the other. Cis men: 19% submissive, Cis women: 10% dominant. Ratio: 1.9:1. https://aella.substack.com/p/women-prefer-more-violent-porn-and

So the overall impression from the Aella surveys:

- Femdom interest is a minority interest but a significant one, with both “general” surveys suggesting about 15% overall interest. For reference, this is 4-5x higher than the proportion of the UK population who identify as Lesbian, Gay or Bisexual (3.3%).

- The ratio of sub men to domme women does not exceed 2:1 in any of the three surveys. For context, in these surveys, there is also a ratio of between 1:1 and 2:1 for the opposite scenario of dom men to sub women (though lower on average). This suggests there is a general top shortage which is not unique to femdom activities.

Academic studies

Most of these have the opposite problem to Aella’s surveys. They have a more representative sample, but a much lower sample size. Sadly, very high-quality kink data doesn’t exist! Let’s do our best and analyse anyway.

Joyal et al. (2015) – This one is paywalled so I’m gleaning the summary from articles about it. If anyone can access the article, maybe you can verify?

Sample size: 1,500. 53.3% of men reported fantasies about being dominated sexually, and 46.7% of women reported fantasies about dominating someone sexually, so generally very high interest, much higher than the Aella surveys. Assuming heterosexuality, ratio of 1.1:1. https://academic.oup.com/jsm/article-abstract/12/2/328/6980029

Jozifkova (2018) - Sample size: 673 heterosexual people from the Czech Republic.

Almost half of men and 60% of women were not at all aroused by power dynamics in this sample.

8.5% of women are dom or switch. 22.3% of men are sub or switch. Ratio of 2.6:1 femdom interest. Interestingly the sub-only to domme-only ratio (i.e. excluding switches) is below 2:1 but the low sample size introduces way too much noise for meaningful analysis.

This study is more valuable for the comparisons it makes with previous studies.

It compares against a previous study by the same author with a higher sample size (2006, n = approx. 1400). This one finds the same proportion of people not aroused at all by power dynamics. But super interestingly, it actually finds a ratio of less than 1 for sub men:domme women. Men: 13.8%, Women: 19.8% for a ratio of 0.7:1. This study is interesting because rather than asking whether participants identified as dominant or submissive, it asked them to click on which picture aroused them most out of a femdom and maledom image (“neither” and an image depicting same-sex acts were also options).

Both studies average at about 15% general interest as previously seen in the Aella data.

There is finally consideration of a prior survey by Dutch authors (n = approx 1000) which considers only BDSM participants. This one finds a high interest in femdom (approx 25% for women, approx 50% for men) for a 2:1 ratio.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/322963522_Sexual_Arousal_by_Dominance_and_Submissiveness_in_the_General_Population_How_Many_How_Strongly_and_Why

Holvoet et al. (2017) - This study was on a representative sample of the general population in Belgium (n = approx 1000).

This study questioned participants primarily on acts rather than self-identification (i.e. “I have fantasised about my partner kneeling before me” rather than “I identify as dominant”).

The study found high interest in BDSM activities in general, though few participants identified as BDSM practitioners.

21.8% of men fantasised about submissive acts and 41.0% had actually practised one, for a total of 62.8% submissive interest.

18.8% of women fantasised about dominant acts and 40.2 had actually practised one, for a total of 59% dominant interest.

Total femdom interest around 60% (!!) and pretty much equal ratio (1.06:1).

Like in the second Josifkova study (2006), testing specific acts or relationships rather than BDSM self-identification resulted in a surprising gender ratio (equal in this study, female-weighted in the other). Both of these studies also showed low to no difference in preference between femdom and maledom activities. This implies that either (1) many women have a negative perception of femdom as a BDSM practise (possibly associating it with leather/dominatrix jokes common in TV and movies) and prefer not to associate with it, or (2) they don’t realise the acts they enjoy and practise could be considered femdom.

https://annas-archive.org/scidb/10.1016/j.jsxm.2017.07.003

Conclusions

1. Femdom definitely does exist outside of porn. In its strictest BDSM sense there seems to be a floor of around 15% of the population interested. When defined more loosely in terms of sexual acts rather than role identification, this balloons to half or more of the general population.
2. The gender ratio is nowhere near as extreme as depicted and there may not be a disparity at all. When defined in a BDSM sense, the ratio tends to hover between one and two subs for every domme. With the loose definition, the ratio basically disappears entirely, or in one case (Josifkova 2006) goes into reverse. The data shows that the proportion of switches has been way underestimated which confounds things further.

My own thoughts

1. I do believe a slim ratio does exist, but that it should be more properly known as the “top shortage” that also exists in gay/lesbian communities as well as maledom dynamics. I don’t believe the BDSM community is the best place for anyone to find a partner and especially not submissive men. Higher male willingness to get involved in BDSM as a community means that the maledom top shortage is masked, and the femdom top shortage is amplified.

2. It’s better to view femdom as a bunch of related acts rather than an identity. There seems to be far less stigma attached to individual sex acts and fantasies than to “femdom” as an idea which I strongly suspect is related to negative mass media depiction.

Please feel free to add any more studies or surveys in the comments!

I am texting a new friend and she is interested in domming. She said “tell me how you’d serve me if given the opportunity”.

I’m not sure how to respond. I feel like I need the scene to be set. But I have never really subbed for a domme woman before. Any tips or even some articles to read up on proper servitude would be great :)

Hi everyone,

I’m curious to hear your thoughts on how gift-giving plays out in your femdom relationships during the holiday season.

How do you approach it? What expectations do you have, if any? Does your dynamic influence the kinds of gifts exchanged or the way they’re presented?

I don’t think there’s any "right" or "wrong" way to handle it, but I’d love to understand how others navigate this. Does your dynamic extend outside the bedroom, and if so, how does it shape this aspect of your relationship?

I met my boyfriend through here, he responded to a personals ad I had put up. We talked for a few months (I was in between places and working full time) and hit it off immediately after our first date.

This is my first ever FLR and it feels really cathartic. I’ve experienced sexual harassment and abuse, and as a result abstained from sex, dating and men as a whole for nearly 10 years. Being with him makes me feel safe, and I feel like we have an extremely healthy dynamic. We communicate a lot about sex, which makes me more open and communicative as well. Back then I’d just freeze and let it happen and then quietly slip away and hope it would wash off in the shower.

We are semi-long distance as we live in different cities, he’s about 2 hours away :(. We try to meet up every weekend but some weekends are unable to. This weekend will be one of them, sadly.

He’s incredibly patient and kind to me, and gifts me flowers and sweets. I buy him little trinkets and food/fancy drinks.

As much as I love how sweet and funny he is, I’m also pretty down bad for his body. He’s my type, like “guy I wouldn’t even bother looking at for too long because I felt so unworthy” type. I’m 5’2 so no matter what, most people will be taller than me, which he is not an exception to. When we hug sometimes I go on my tip-toes so I can do it properly (or at least I feel like I need to). I love grabbing parts of his body or running my fingertips along his skin and feeling him buck under because he gets sensitive or ticklish. When we had sex last weekend I couldn’t stop pinching and biting his nipples because of how wild the noises he was making made me. When I did get him to cum after edging him for what felt like an hour, I had to cover his mouth with my hand as my roommates were in lol. After he was done, I still did the skin tracing thing with my fingertips and taking advantage of how sensitive he felt, it’s cute.

The best part is that he loves to go down on me. Like most women, I had mixed feelings (at best!) about oral. My experience giving wasn’t so great either due to my ex being abusive. In fact I told him that it might have to be a boundary for me that I wouldn’t ever want to do. He was completely understanding of this and never challenged me. I think ironically talking about it helped because one day I randomly asked if he wanted a blowjob and of course he accepted. It was fun for the both of us. He cums in literally minutes. I was much, much more apprehensive when he suggested that he reciprocates - fast forward to now where I won’t realize right away that I’ve been pulling his hair and grinding my pussy on his face. It feels silly to say but I genuinely never thought I’d ever get there, ever.

He makes it feel so easy and comfortable and pleasurable. I make fun of him all the time for how easily he gets excited from seemingly simple/innocent things I do with him (which dont get me wrong, I wouldnt have it any other way), but honestly I get so wet just from making out with him. It’s pretty much game over for me when he runs his hands up and down my body.

Anyway, this is my messy 2AM humblebrag post about my boyfriend because I’m sad-horny and miss him since won’t see him this weekend.

Findom** Hey y'all, I'm not actually a findomme. I am your regular smegular domme, but a sub (not mine we are still vetting eachother) has asked me about the potential to enter this dynamic.

I've kinda browsed around for research but I'd like to ask the pros what are the hard limits I should set for this? I've read a few posts about people not feeling great when it becomes too much, I'm not looking to make a kink unenjoyable for someone.

This particular sub has expressed that his last arrangement was handing cash on his knees and that being it? That doesn't sound super pleasurable to me. Any suggestions on how to incorporate service submissions into this?

Thanks for the help in advance 💖

Hi! I wanted to ask for some experience in regards to being a footstool for your dom. I would have the option to live that scenario with a dom, but I would need to last a whole movie, which can be quite long. I don't know if that is feasible or not. Has anybody experience with such a long timespan? I would be very interested to hear about it :)

I would like to share some of my pain and internal thoughts about that things that bothers me more and more since I started to get into the femdom topic. It's just so magnificent to me, how the whole concept of female dominantion is still at some point based on pleasuring men and fetishising women. I feel like for most men a femdom dinamic looks like a woman, dressed like goddess in latexs with boobs pushing out, having a full gorgeous makeup look, growling, moaning, moving actively, while he is just laying down relaxed, doing nothing and being edged at the best. That's also the reason why it's really hard to find good femdom content without it being affected by male gaze. It pains me personally even more, because any form of "traditional" penetrational sex disgusts me, not to mention me submitting to my partner (which is way more normalised for women in any non vanilla sexual interactions), which disgusts me even more. And when I'm telling my potential date I'm into female domination he's most likely to say something like "oh, so you are a kinky experimentator? We can try different things!" For a lot of men who call themselves submissive it's almost always me riding a dick in latex. And for me it's a complex dinamic and THE ONLY way to get pleasure from sexual interactions without feeling a sense of discomfort. It's like for them me dominating is a fun side quest, and when he'll get bored we can go back to "normal sex". And if we're not - he is done with me and will leave. I'm tired of being treated as a fetish object, being dominated by a woman is not doing nothing when she does everything. It's just so hard to find a respectful and involved submissive male date out there, ya know.