https://youtu.be/lIubqQSg_RM?si=yL3qEGIKnp0Ee_dY

I recently admitted to my mum that I’m bi, she was fine with it & said she wouldn’t care as long as it made me happy but during that conversation I said the only girl I would bring home would be a friend who’s been in my life a long long time, we’ve had our ups & downs but the shittest thing is now she is married, has a kid & is expecting another one. I would never dream of telling her & I probably shouldn’t have admitted it to my mum it’s just shit that I didn’t realise it myself sooner when we were close. We nearly had a night together once but her boyfriend wasn’t approving of the idea but I remember even though we were drunk she shouted at me on the stairs in a club ‘if you wanna kiss me then just kiss me!’ But I didn’t because I hadn’t properly realised that I was bi, so I was confused now I’m screwed up with these feelings. I’m not a very open person in general but I feel like I could of been with her, I also backed out of going to her wedding last minute & I’m wondering now if this could of been a reason why I didn’t want to go & because I was a bit hurt.

Recently I admitted to my mother that I am bi, she was actually really okay about it & said she wouldn’t care along as it made me happy but since I’ve realised I had feelings for one of my best friends, we’re not as close now but when we were close I think I had feelings for her a lot of the time I just hadn’t realised it myself properly, we still talk. But now she is married & has a child & expecting another one but another thing that’s crossed my mind is when she got married she asked me to be made of honour & then I backed out last minute (bad person I know) but I’m wondering now if this could of been cos I was somewhat jealous or just hadn’t admitted these feelings to myself properly at the time & now I’ve realised & it is too late.

I’m so so fucking tired of being depressed & genuinely not knowing how to get myself out of it, most of it is my own fault for still living with my mum & not having a good relationship with her & realising it’s this house that has a bad affect on my mental health & it’s probably too late to get out of it. I’m screwed in life, my dad never understands me either, I don’t particularly like my mother. I need genuine help & no one seems to really notice how much help I actually need.

For most of my life I have spent it travelling getting excited about it, I went to Australia a couple of years ago on a working visa but that didn’t work out, now I feel extremely lost, my mental health is not in a great place, I don’t really have any friends, not a lot of confidence, still living with my mum but she has a house in Portugal so she goes off there for like two months. I’ve had the house to myself for a month but I’ve felt that low I haven’t even invited anyone down cos I haven’t really been myself. My relationship with my mum is pretty bad so I can’t say I’m looking forward to her returning. My Dad mentioned the other week he has a lot of money that he could give me, but I’m also not good with money but I’m also debating just taking it & leaving this house & not returning & starting my life in a city not far from home. I have no idea how to meet new people anymore without feeling incredibly anxious. I used to be able to get out of comfort zone okayish but now I feel in a very messed up place & don’t know what to do. I’ve pretty much wasted the beginning of my thirties I don’t want to waste the rest.

So my relationship with my mum has started feeling pretty toxic. She has hit me twice this year & I think I’m reaching my breaking point. I don’t think I can give her another chance if she does it again. I’m a nice person, probably too nice which is half my problem.

I think a lot of the time she is in very bad denial about how bad things are, like if she’s texting me for example she’ll put ‘lovely’ at the end & it’s sad because that goes through me now or like when she says ‘lots of love’ on the phone at the end of the conversation & I’m standing there thinking to myself yeah there isn’t any.

We used to have an okay relationship, but I started waking up to a lot of things & I have now realised the relationship doesn’t serve me in anyway. She has always been pretty controlling and never given me much independence or shown me how to use things in the house properly.

She has had the opportunity to do therapy but made out to them that it’s just me that needs the help, surely if she was that arsed about making amends she would just do it but I know even if we did she would never admit to being in the wrong about anything, so I’m pretty screwed in life & I think I’ll always be mentally ill because of this relationship.

I can’t talk to my Dad properly cos he just sees it as I like to blame her for everything, I didn’t even bother telling him she had hit me again. The first time I did he told me not to dwell on it.

I have done therapy but it didn’t really help me so I’m at a lose end now, what do I do just accept that my mother is incapable of change? I know it’s not all in my head because my ex who I’m still on good terms with still calls her a witch.

Sorry such a long post. Any advice is appreciated 😊

I wanna feel something other than what I feel now...

Every time i read a novel whether its romance, mystery thriller or any novel with a male and female characters, or watch a movie with the same, i usually get this weird feeling in my heart or chest area, kind of the same feeling of anxiety which mostly drivese to either quit the book or skip forward in the movie am watching. It has happened too many times that am starting to think that i may be repelled by love or watching two people start their love journey. Mind you, I've never been in love before, am just 20yr/old and in university, obviously with a few crushes in the past bt nothing crazy than that. So am wondering if this is normal or is just a me problem, someone somewhere reply to me. Am freaking out!

I feel like going into a coma would be a great thing, i don’t want to die at all i just want a break from everything and the only thought that comes into my mind is a coma, like for 2 years i wouldn’t have to deal with anyone or anything, the pain of everything will go away and maybe in that time my family would forget about me or move on and when i come back from the coma i would move on too because the feeling when someone tells you are the best thing god give them and then they act like i am the evil in their stories and it hurts more when it is your mom. so yea maybe a coma would make me feel better to continue on living.

Does anybody else get in these depressed moods where it feels like there is a weight pushing down on your whole body? I want this feeling to stop so I try to remember to take the meds but of course I have a terrible memory, so I end up going days on end without them. I let my anger and frustrations build up until I think something is wrong with me and starts my depression back up. I hate my life and the way it has unfolded to this point. It’s just so hard to breathe when I get to feeling like this. I’ve talked to my doctor about this stuff but they want to just load me up with pills to numb me up mentally. I have told the docs about my thoughts on suicide and they either brush it off like it’s just another normal thing or they look at me with a look like they wanna put me in a padded room. I know I sound like every other millennial or whatever my age group is but I can’t talk about this stuff with my wife because she will just brush it off and tell me about how her life is worse. Nobody at work wants to hear about my problems because they have enough of their own. I don’t know who to talk to or what to do. I am trying hard to please everybody and I feel like I haven’t pleased anybody. I’m just tired of these feelings of failure and disappointment.

I used to care. I cared soo much. about everything, about every detail painted across my vision. it was amusing looking at everything. I was filled with joy and colors that fueled my every day imagination. I cared about what people had to say. every word was new, new knowledge new stories, new worlds. people were so interesting and everything they had to say meant something wether they were upset, happy, angry, surprised, or curious it meant something and I WANTED to now more about what brought these feelings to life. I was curious and felt for the tragedies and problems people went through; and if I could do anything. I wanted to do something anything if I was able they seem like they could be fixed so easly. But as grew my apathetic side did as well, for everything although the answer for most problems may have been simple the means to and capability were not and as you get older with everything thing happening all at once and being so fast track you can never look around and appreciate anything and my eyes are going bad along with the majority of my body my joy for talking with others and hearing what they had to say has all but diminished for more reasons I can or care to bring to light I get blimps of my life when I’m finally present enough to stop going through the motions of everyday life I feel as if every wrong emotion hits me at once’s so often that I have become unfeeling and numb I used to care so much but as time went on my imagination curiosity joy and ability to feel for others has completely been snuffed out ideals I believe is what makes us human what makes us alive I feel has if I’m a zombie dead but still moving around in a mangled body not able to comunícate or perceive im just here

So let’s go back in time for a bit. I had a snowboard teacher, let’s call him Michael, when I was in my teenager years. Michael is about 10 years older then me. We both had a small crush on each other which everybody noticed, but the age gap was to big at the time.

When I was in my 20’s, we got in contact again. He lives in another country but it’s a small 10 hr drive. We met up a couple of times and it was great to say the least. I booked a hotel the first time but after the second day, we shared it. I saw Michael a couple of times which lasted for 5 til 8 days each time. I knew I really liked him, but didn’t proceed because I am still young and didn’t feel the time pressure.

Well, two years ago, Michael met somebody. They are the same age and live in the same city. They also share the same hobbies etc. After about a year, they got engaged. I saw him once again after the engagement (obviously platonically) when I was on a holiday nearby. It felt like he was saying goodbye but in a weird way. He told me that he used to had this major feelings for me which I also admitted myself. That really messed with my mind. Ever since then, he spooked more in my head than he ever did.

Well I think you guessed it. Two weeks ago, he got married. I congratulated them, but i actually feel so sad. It feels like a heartbreak without even a relationship to begin with. I feel terrible. Not like i have been crying, but more like a deep grieve from inside.

I am not the type of person to mess with this kind of situations, and I never will. I wish them both the best life, but I feel like sh*t. My friends tell me to suck it up and it will go away, but I feel miserable. Does anybody have some advise of experienced something similar?

I'm in pergatory

IDK where to post this. But I have to do this.

My (28m) entire life I've dealt with abuse, manipulation and just pain. My father threw me to the wolves @ 4 years old. Didn't want me. My mother was with a heroin dealer and I grew up in a drug house where my step father would shoot up my mother, shed nod off and him and his drug buddies would take turns on her while making my little brother and I watch. Saying to us, Your mom is a whore. That makes u less than nothing....that's a taste of what I grew up in. Don't have the energy to type a lot tbh. We moved 2 weeks before my 10th b'day to my grandparents house. I wasn't a "move" tho. My mother dropped my brother and I off with a duffel bag and told us she'd be back in a minute. I didn't see her for 6 years. On top of that my grandmother is extremely narcissistic. As is my mother. So from 10-16 I would sit alone in a bedroom. Not speak. Not exist. Just like my early childhood. And still I was nothing but wrong, a waste, a useless POS. A bastard. How can I be so awful if I don't speak or make noise? If I don't even look anyone's way? If I stay completely to myself staring off into nothing 90% of my life? I'm the worst thing to ever walk the face of the earth. At 14 I started "dating" my wife. She's a narc as well. The worst of all. I've been thru hell. We had 3 kids. 2 of them aren't mine and I didn't find out til later. The 3rd is pending. She's broke my heart and we've broken up time and again. Finally I thought all the patience and persistance was paying off and I thought we were finally getting close. So we got married. Worst mistake ever. Not even a year in. She took my home. My kids. Made me lose my job. Come to find out everything from day 1 was a lie. My entire life was a lie controlled by 3 narcissistic demons. There's a lot of detail left out. I don't feel like going on and on. It's been 3 months since our last separation. Today I left from work and couldn't contain myself. I sat here (in living in my car now) and just cried my eyes out for 4 hours. This past weekend I couldn't stop. I go away from people to a place in the woods that's my secret fishing spot. And I just sat there and cried for 2 days. I've dealt with heartbreak my whole life. I continually pick myself up over and over. Any advice u can think Ive done it. The point of all this was to reach this. My entire life I've had this knowing inside that someone is out there for me. I've been alone and abused and taught what love isn't. I've been prepared for her. Everyone says I'm different and I understand now. I care. I'm thoughtful. I mean what I say. From childhood I've had certain gifts that I always thought everyone done those things. I've not met another yet. I've overcome on my own time and time again. But RN I feel a pain so deep. Where is my person? I know you're out there. I've been preparing. I've been thru hell and faced the devil and made it out. I've spent my life alone, depending on myself and my choices to survive. I've made sacrifices that no human I know would do because my heart and soul won't allow me to do something im going to regret or feel guilty about. People hurt me. That's fine. Go ahead. When I see someone hurting I'ma be the person that I never had. I'ma hug em and help em up. Help them believe in themselves. Turn my pain into something beautiful. It just hurts. I hurt so much. Just one time in my life I ask that someone love me. I've given and give love. I've been there when no one else would be. No one has been there for me. I've paid attention and I've been waiting patiently my entire life. What's this deep knowing in my heart? What's this feeling that you're close? Why can't I find you or figure out who u are? I had me for so long. I know the typical advice and all that. Only certain people will understand. Been there done that. I've done anything like this. Even the strongest person can only take so much. I know someone in this world is out there, and we're different. Divine love. I need you. I've been able to get here but I seriously can't keep going anymore. I'm exhausted. In every way. I need your help. I need your love. I've been waiting and getting ready. The years and everything pass by. I understand why things happened. I understand that we all have our own problems. I've never asked for anything. Felt so guilty too love myself for so long. That lesson has been learned. I've been alone. What more can I do? Where are you? I need you. I need you now. I'm at the edge. In withered away to nothing. I am literally out of fuel. I need help. I need you. I need someone. I can't do it alone rn. The pain is too much. I need help. Just once in my life I wanna know what love feels like wo having to feel guilty or unworthy. I give love and try as hard as humanly possible. And I have no one for it. I need to held. A hug. Anything. I've been waiting. Try to be good enough. Trying to be what everyone says if I do then they'll care and all that bs. When tho? Still waiting and on standby while I watch people get the love I've earned. I don't understand. Where are you? Please I need you now. I really need you. Please just once. I need help

I don’t know if I’m okay. I want to be okay and I should certainly be okay, my life is so good right now but I’m so so scared something terrible is going to happen. That’s not why though, I don’t know if I’m okay bruh, I miss so many people that I really shouldn’t miss. I hate myself so fucking much and I don’t understand why? I want to die so so fucking bad no one knows how fucking bad I want to die I want to kill myself sooo fucking badly and I honestly have no reason to, the only reason is that I fucking hate me, I hate myself so fucking much but I do think I’m pretty I do, so I don’t know why I hate myself so much I am a pretty person but no one really knows who I actually am. I have all this anger inside of me it’s trapped in this tight little box and sometimes it gets a crack and I do something I don’t wanna do/ say something I don’t wanna say but I do then the damage is done and I have to make that tiny box bigger and bigger and bigger to a point where it’s not even a tiny box, it’s a huge massive box that covers half of my brain and if I let even a tiny bit of anger out of it I would hate myself too much to a point where maybe I would actually be able to Stab myself. I lie, i lie so FUCKIBG much and I don’t know why THEN OUT OF NO WHERE I TELL THE TRUTH OR BE LIKE NAG THAT WAS A LIE like WTAF is wrong w me why do I lie? I actually really wonder why I lie, there is no reason for me to lie.

ive been recovering lately but its jus i also have this feeling that all that ive been doing is for nothing. its like each day passes its one step forward ten leaps backwards. im honestly confused and as much as id like to keep pushing, i jus feel like my efforts are for nothing. cause even if i do reach my goals, what then? i wish to be humble and im trying my damndest to be but its so difficult to stay sane when i live around so much madness. i cant have a day where people dont scream all the time, most of society is batshit insane, jobs are sketchy as shit, money easily vanishes even when i am saving lots of it, like come on? whens my break? its getting harder to breathe in this world. im trying harder and harder each day with what i have to make the most of it, but where is the most? it only seems so little and futile. i want to find my life mission and what im here for, but nobody wants to help anymore. and its sickening. i jus need help. thats all. no money, nothing, all i am asking for is what am i doing wrong?

A few years ago. There was a woman I met at a friend's place. I fell in love the moment I first saw her. 1-2 years later we got a little bit closer. I kissed her once. She had my apartment keys. But she slept on the couch. And always sat away from me as she visited me. At the same time she often told me that I have to try it, if I want more. Even saying stuff like " we could do anal without protection, I can't get pregnant from it" But iam so inexperienced that I thought she was just friendly. And honestly I just didn't had the guts to try something because I was scared that I might fuck it up so badly, that she didn't want to have anything to do with me after it. And I didn't wanted to loose the only person who spend time with me. So I didn't try anything. She left my stupid ass. Got depressive. I joined a gym because I promised it to her, and I always kept promises. But I gave it up a year later. I did go on 2 dates with her another year later. Idk why but contact broke up again. I hate myself so much for this shit. I really liked her. And still when I see her in our small city it allways feels like my heart stops for a moment. But now I think that it has no use to even talk to her. I it's been years now. I think iam ugly, disgusting and that no woman could like me. And I guess she will have a small family now. Living her life happily. I would not fit

I don’t know I’m anxious I guess. Part of me doesn’t even want to be alive for it. I don’t know why she wants to talk; in person with me, or what about. My mind is scattered thinking about it, confused and worried. I’ve never found her so attractive as I have this past week and now I hear she wants to talk to me, after hanging out with college friends, and not talking to me… she almost always snaps me, FaceTimes me, text me… but nothing. No talking, she won’t answer my calls, she always with her friends, and now she wants to talk in person. What can’t be said over text that needs to be in person… I cheated, I wanna break up, I’m done with you. And it’s not like she’s coming down for me! She’s coming down to talk to me. This is all for some talk she wants to have and I don’t know why. What am I suppose to suspect her talk is about. I don’t know. I decided to write this down in case I just drive off a cliff. Last night all I did was drive around and I couldn’t feel my body at the slightest. Everything was numb and I lost my strict control. I wrote this down in case I don’t make it long enough for her to talk to me, in case my assumptions were wrong. If I die as fucked up as it is I want her to know why. That it wasn’t because of some accident but because I couldn’t handle the idea of looking her in the eyes as she tells me she’s done with me. I’ve been looking at sun glasses and even promise rings, the promise rings to make her happy before the talk, the sunglasses so I won’t have to turn away from her as she tells me. Im overthinking this all but I think it’s overdue. Maybe I should’ve taken the medication from the doctors, gone to therapy, gone to church. The problem is I wanted to be strong, I wanted to prove that I can control myself. But now im doing 75 in a 30 and im unable to control myself, but I recognize this situation from the last. And that feeling of getting stabbed I want to feel again, not because I harm myself but because it makes me feel lighter, happier. I keep thinking what if I just don’t show up tomorrow? What if I drive away, take all my money and start a new life for myself, im 19 and I can take that control. I just hurt, and not a hurt that I can explain but a hurt that makes me feel like rubber, and I hate it. I want to cry again and again like last night, I want to drive faster and I want to stab myself in the arm again. But I know that what comes tomorrow is more likely than not going to be fine. I don’t think she’d break up on me for no reason, maybe she cheated but god I hope not. I don’t want to believe that. I think it might be something about college or her moving in with me. In fact if she told me she was pregnant I wouldn’t even care to be sad about being a young father. I would accept it. but it still doesn’t change the loneliness I’ve felt for this whole week. I feel almost abandoned. I feel like she doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore. And I was fine with it until she wanted to talk. Because now she won’t open my snaps and replies like a robot. God just kill me now because I don’t think waiting is worth it. At the same time I just wanna start a new relationship now, begin rebuilding before it’s even crumbled. And as I write this I’m seconds from my one hour lunch ending, and she still hasn’t opened my snaps from an hour ago. I’m overthinking I know it. But I wouldn’t be if this same situation hasn’t happened before. I’m prepared to rebuild but I know I’ll hate it. I don’t want to be strong, just free of this pain.

Turning my grief Into humor was, well it's my coping mechanism, bear with my grammar since English is not my first language. My father just about today was admitted into the hospital and we needed a huge amount of money to pay for his medical bills, and for the first time in my life I couldn't turn this grief and sadness into a fucking funny shit to make myself feel better, all I did was cry all day feeling helpless knowing we can't afford a shit for his medical bills and seeing my mother broke down in tears broke me as well, one week from now I'm finally gonna be a College student but with my father being in Hospital I think education needs to be put on hold since I need to work and I'm the eldest child

I get it. I do a lot for my partner, and I enjoy it. But it's a downer when they don't put in the same effort. I've thought about holding back to see if they'd notice, but I can't help it—I love making them happy. It's just that sometimes, I wish they'd do the same for me, you know? Like with surprises, flowers, and dates.

Just copped the og xbox, recovered my account and this is what I see, this shit hits hard man

I'm not really sure what to name this, but I got something to unload and I hope you guys are okay with this. I'm 34m and turning 35 on the 25th of this month, and I've been looking back at the last twenty odd years of my life with nostalgia. With it came the realization of all the things I lost and feel like I took for granted. There was a time I had sizeable group of friends.. ones that actually cared about me, more than the majority of my family... all but one is out of my life in some way or another... most just moved away, some hurt me, others I hurt. One went bat shit crazy and one died... but there was a few times where I had a group I can just chill with, and be happy to be around even if I wasn't active in the conversation, I'm a bit introverted so the smaller the group the more open I am to conversation. The point is that I was happy, even though I didn't have money. I put my heart and soul into these people and groups in one way or another. Now, I'm so alone it hurts... I get up at 2am five times a week to go to work, I come home and sit and stare at a screen and struggle to exist. I have my brother, my significant other, and my best friend and his family... but.. my brother who sits next to me most days... feels thousands of miles away. Lost in his addiction to what can't be mentioned here... my best friend has a family and I get it... I love them like they are my family too... but we just can't hardly find time to even talk. My S.O. is across the country and is completely introverted and doesn't like to talk much. Now I like being by myself to recharge my batteries, but I don't like feeling alone... and that's what nostalgia brought me... the crushing reality of feeling all alone. No matter what I always feel a little detached from my others close to me.. but now I feel like I'm drifting in an endless void of sorrow and pain, grasping at nothing trying to hold onto to the tiniest shred of who I have known myself to be, of what I used to have... if I regret one thing, it's taking what I had for granted without knowing... friends moved on, and I'm still here.. waiting for something long gone. So, I'm sorry if this was a long read and I don't do TL;DRs so I will end this with two things... first, I wanna say thank you to whoever reads this whole thing, it means a lot to me... secondly, if you have a group of people who mean the world to you, do me a favor and never take them for granted. Appreciate then being a part of your life every second the can, because one day they won't be there anymore... and if you find another group of people like that.... consider yourself lucky... because I'm just here... with no one beside me emotionally and nothing to show for it. Finally if any one of my old friends happen to read this... I miss you... I miss what we had, and I hope you found your happiness.