Okay, second draft. Let’s see if this is more comprehensible as y’all have no background info on my life. (Except that I use the word “y’all” lol)

God has done very big things for me and around me. When I talked about a couple of these things to a friend while living in Japan, she stopped me and said “I’ve talked to 80-year-olds who haven’t experienced as many things as you have.”

And for most of my life, I haven’t been able to understand why God would do these things for someone who

• has no preaching platform

• gets confused with setting up projects

• keeps getting panic attacks when talking to too many people (found out that was probably somewhat due to sensory overload being autistic)

• gets exhausted quickly

• was born into an Easy Mode family (basically, my parents— both child abuse survivors— fought tooth and nail to teach us and themselves about mental health)

• etc

So on one front, it’s like I’m one of the servants in the parable of The Servants and the Talents, but my talents are in a currency I’ve never seen before. What do I doooooo?

On another front, during intimacy with God, I can’t stop thinking about the pains of the world and my family and everyone. You know the fallacy “don’t be sad, because other people have it worse”? I have the weirdness of “I can’t be happy because it can lead to egocentrism and stuff while other people have it worse.”

On another another front (this thing had a lot of front sides) I don’t want to just use God to feel good. How do I make sure I’m putting my money where my mouth is when I don’t know where my mouth is? Uh, that is to say, I can see my selfishness getting fat, and I don’t want to be unloving to God by going overboard on emotional highs and peace out when the tides get low.

TL; DR

Hi. I’m new and have been confused about my sensitivities and God’s mercy and grace for years. Input appreciated.

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Dialogue of Saint Catherine - Labor and Love

How God does not reward merit according to the labor of the obedient, nor according to the length of time which it takes, but according to the love and promptitude of the truly obedient; and of the miracles which God has performed by means of this virtue; and of discretion in obedience, and of the works and reward of the truly obedient man.

"I have appointed you all to labor in the vineyard of obedience in different ways, and every man will receive a price, according to the measure of his love, and not according to the work he does, or the length of time for which he works, that is to say, that he who comes early will not have more than he who comes late, as My Truth told you in the holy gospel by the example of those who were standing idle and were sent by the lord of the vineyard to labor; for he gave as much to those who went at dawn, as to those who went at prime or at tierce, and those who went at sext, at none, and even at vespers, received as much as the first: My Truth showing you in this way that you are rewarded not according to time or work, but according to the measure of your love. Many are placed in their childhood to work in the vineyard; some enter later in life, and others in old age; sometimes these latter labor with such fire of love, seeing the shortness of the time, that they rejoin those who entered in their childhood, because they have advanced but slowly. By love of obedience, then, does the soul receive her merit, filling the vessel of her heart in Me, the Sea Pacific.

In this entry from The Dialogue, God interprets His own parable, giving us the truest and most holy understanding of how it applies to us. When I've previously read the passage God speaks on, (Matthew 20:1-16) I always thought the lesson was to not be petty or jealous in measuring God's graces on others against His graces on myself. My understanding was the workers who arrived later delivered less results and were still paid the same amount but the workers who arrived earlier still had no reason to complain because they weren't shorted on their agreed upon pay. If anything, they should just be marveling at their employers' generosity toward those who were less deserving. I still think that's a correct interpretation but Scripture goes so deep, at so many different levels that we often seem to miss a mountain of God's wisdom, focusing on a molehill of human understanding.

As God explains to Saint Catherine, those late arriving workers weren't actually less deserving even though they produced less results at the end of the day. They were as equally deserving as the earliest workers because of the greater measure of love and obedience that led them to their works for God. Fallen men count works by the measure of hours but God counts our works by the measure of the heart, if only the heart beats in rhythm with God. This is when the old saying, "less is more" takes on the divine and supernatural dimension as a few hours of labor in God achieves and deserves the same as a full day's work in fallen self. God teaches this to Saint Catherine by explaining that popular parable but over a thousand before God's explanation to Saint Catherine, Christ pointed out the same general principle in real life life events.

Supportive Scripture - Douay Rheims Challoner Bible

Mark 12:41-44 And Jesus sitting over against the treasury, beheld how the people cast money into the treasury. And many that were rich cast in much. And there came a certain poor widow: and she cast in two mites, which make a farthing. And calling his disciples together, he saith to them: Amen I say to you, this poor widow hath cast in more than all they who have cast into the treasury. For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want cast in all she had, even her whole living.

How is it that the poor widow's two mites add up to greater charity than larger amounts cast in by others? What kind of math tells us that two cents are worth more than a hundred dollars? I think it's because Christ sees what we miss in our fallen perspective, namely His living Self and Spirit in the poor widow. In truth Christ knew the poor widow's two mites were just as insignificant as we know them to be. When Christ said, "this poor widow hath cast in more than all they who have cast into the treasury," He obviously wasn't counting money. Christ was speaking of the widow selflessly casting a greater measure of grace outward from self into the treasury of the world, the giving of self for the uplifting of others, as Christ Himself would soon do for all men at a truly cosmic level.

The rest of the world saw an impoverished woman who's net worth was a few mites, actually worth less than today's penny, which is a lot less than most homeless people carry around in their pockets. She was likely in her last days of life, weak, dirty and she probably smelled bad but I think Christ saw Himself in that widow because He knew He would also soon die weak, dirty, and just as alone as the poor widow seems to be. Christ saw Himself in the poor widow because she had the Mind of Christ and thought Christologically, as determined as Christ Himself to end her life giving the last morsel of self for the uplifting of others.

An Earlier Entry From The Dialogue of Saint Catherine of Siena

And yet I tell you, if you should ask Me, who these are, I should reply" (said the sweet and amorous Word of God) "they are another Myself, inasmuch as they have lost and denied their own will, and are clothed with Mine, are united to Mine, are conformed to Mine."

Hi everyone!

I kinda wanted to explain my idea on whats been kinda 'Tugging on my heart-strings.'

So basically, I feel very influenced (As a Catholic) by Sufism. Basically, the idea of dancing in joy of my creator while singing poetry and scripture, committing to dhikr, while also synchronizing the contemplation of scripture while repeating for God to enter me, complete radical divine love thinking, etc.

I know some of this is already in Christianity, but at the same time, I feel really attracted to it because of its dedication to God. Especially in its religious affairs.

Does anyone else have these feelings?

Im an older contemplative brother who has an intercessory heart for the authentcity of God's people. It seems we are in a critical hour for this matter and have been for many years, growing exponentially worse. At the very heart of mysticism and true Christianity for that matter seems to be the cross. When the cross is taken down the world comes in. It seems the mystic keeps himself true, thus the manifestation of Christ in this world true by raising the cross. He must increase I must decrease. Any thoughts?

Something about sitting in silence with the intention of dropping all mental activity as it arises seems very saintly.

A quote from Pope Francis:

Eugenio Scalfari: You think that mystics have been important for the Church?

Pope Francis: "They have been fundamental. A religion without mystics is a philosophy."

Eugenio Scalfari: Do you have a mystical vocation?

Pope Francis: "What do you think?"

Eugenio Scalfari: I wouldn't think so.

Pope Francis: "You're probably right. I love the mystics; Francis also was in many aspects of his life, but I do not think I have the vocation and then we must understand the deep meaning of that word. The mystic manages to strip himself of action, of facts, objectives and even the pastoral mission and rises until he reaches communion with the Beatitudes. Brief moments but which fill an entire life."

Eugenio Scalfari: Has that ever happened to you?

Pope Francis: "Rarely. For example, when the conclave elected me Pope. Before I accepted I asked if I could spend a few minutes in the room next to the one with the balcony overlooking the square. My head was completely empty and I was seized by a great anxiety. To make it go way and relax I closed my eyes and made every thought disappear, even the thought of refusing to accept the position, as the liturgical procedure allows. I closed my eyes and I no longer had any anxiety or emotion. At a certain point I was filled with a great light. It lasted a moment, but to me it seemed very long. Then the light faded, I got up suddenly and walked into the room where the cardinals were waiting and the table on which was the act of acceptance. I signed it, the Cardinal Camerlengo countersigned it and then on the balcony there was the '"Habemus Papam."

• “The light we bear in our souls,” interview with Pope Francis by Eugenio Scalfari in La Repubblica Oct. 1, 2013

Hi everyone!

The title says it all. I'm trying to let the self of the letter destroyed and to be crucified and let Christ live in me.

The problem is, I feel like I'm trapped in sin. I'm lustful, I have bad anger, I'm greedy.

I try to eliminate my anger and all those emotions and sinful sides of Me, however, they feel like they get worse and worse.

I don't understand and I want to understand. I don't want to think I can't eliminate but I'm doubting.

What do I do?

God bless and blessed be in advance.

For so long now, I had been almost completely disinterested with the material world, I wanted to live in poverty and charity, giving my life to my Lord, but almost out of nowhere, greed and material desires reentered my life. I feel as if MAMMON is influencing me, every day I now feel urges of greed and worldly wealth. Ive stopped showing forgiveness and compassion to others, I feel ruthless and greedy in all that I do.

What is happening?? I had started to try and connect directly with God, going into his nature, communing with him, praying, etc. I had felt so thankful for the life that the Lord had given me, I was exited to rejoin the Lord after death, I didn’t care at all how much I had in this world. Why. Why. What is changing?

For a while now I have been looking into all different ranges of beliefs from Gnosticism to open individualism and the like. On here I read many things that I would read in those circles as well.

My understanding is that this is on the more mature, less dogmatic end of Christian belief, but I can’t really seem to put my finger on what makes Christian Mysticism different, as in, do any of you have different beliefs about Christianity that widely differ from the mainstream churches? Thank you for reading and God bless.

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Diary of Saint Faustina - paragraph 113 - Three Words of Sanctity - Part 2

Second Word - Humility

113 And again, I would like to say three words to the soul that is determined to strive for sanctity and to derive fruit; that is to say, benefit from confession.

Second word-humility. A soul does not benefit as it should from the sacrament of confession if it is not humble. Pride keeps it in darkness. The soul neither knows how, nor is it willing, to probe with precision the depths of its own misery. It puts on a mask and avoids everything that might bring it recovery.

Humility before God in all things is so important but due to human pride, humility remains difficult, especially when it comes to confessing one's sins because that seems to demand even more humility than normal. I believe this is true whether in a Catholic Confessional through a Priest, or without a priest, in our home or the pews of the Church. Any type of confession demands humility because it properly acknowledges our sin before God. But once we acknowledge our sin, pride, which is the fallen self's reflex-reaction against humility, rises up to do interior battle against our humility, trying to push us away from God, back into the lost darkness of self.

Confession of sin is first and foremost always about obtaining forgiveness from God but after reading and thinking about Saint Faustina's entry, I think it may entail other benefits as well. Since the act of Confession exercises humility, it can be intentionally used that way, as a regular spiritual exercise to strengthen the spiritual muscle of humility to push back against our prideful inclinations against God. If we religiously practice the humility of confession before God, then we not only obtain God's forgiveness but also begin the process of defeating the dark pride of fallen self, leaving us more open to receiving the humble glory of the Risen Christ. Exercising humility pushes back against pride just as strongly as pride pushes up against humility and the more routinely we do this, the stronger our pushback will become.

Supportive Scripture - Douay Rheims Challoner Bible

James 5:16 Confess therefore your sins one to another: and pray one for another, that you may be saved. For the continual prayer of a just man availeth much.

I'm terrible at living the way I know I should but Saint Faustina's Diary always gets me thinking more seriously at trying harder. My confessions, in or out of the confessional are minimal, hurried and sporadic at best. But after reading Saint Faustina's passage I think that aside from obtaining forgiveness, confession can also be thought of as a salvo of humility fired against the thick walls of pride that keeps me enclosed in self and cut off from God. I've always known I should end each day with a simple confession before God but Saint Faustina has led me to a resolution to stop knowing it and start doing it. Not simply for the sake of forgiveness but also as a spiritual exercise of humility before God, to push back against the pride of self against the grace of God that discourages confession in the first place. That's a small beginning but I know it will lead to a much greater end.

Nightly Act of Contrition

O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended You, and I detest all my sins because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell, but most of all because they offend you, my God, who are all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of your grace, to confess my sins, to do penance and to amend my life, Amen.

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Saint Teresa - Interior Castle - Diffusion of Light

You must note that hardly any of the light coming from the King’s royal chamber reaches these first dwelling places. Even though they are not dark and black, as when the soul is in sin, they nevertheless are in some way darkened so that the soul cannot see the light. The darkness is not caused by a flaw in the room - for I don’t know how to explain myself-but by so many bad things like snakes and vipers and poisonous creatures that enter with the soul and don’t allow it to be aware of the light. It’s as if a person were to enter a place where the sun is shining but be hardly able to open his eyes because of the mud in them. The room is bright but he doesn’t enjoy it because of the impediment of things like these wild animals or beasts that make him close his eyes to everything but them. So, I think, must be the condition of the soul. Even though it may not be in a bad state, it is so involved in worldly things and so absorbed with its possessions, honor, or business affairs, as I have said, that even though as a matter of fact it would want to see and enjoy its beauty these things do not allow it to; nor does it seem that it can slip free from so many impediments. If a person is to enter the second dwelling places, it is important that he strive to give up unnecessary things and business affairs. Each one should do this in conformity with his state in life. It is something so important in order for him to reach the main dwelling place that if he doesn’t begin doing this I hold that it will be impossible for him to get there. And it will be even impossible for him to stay where he is without danger even though he has entered the castle, for in the midst of such poisonous creatures one cannot help but be bitten at one time or another.

Saint Teresa seems to struggle a bit explaining God's Light reaching outward from the royal chamber at the center of the Interior Castle to the outer chambers into which we first enter. It's not really that God's Light dims as it travels outward from the King's Royal Chamber to those outer rooms though. It's more like when we first enter the outer chambers of this castle we bring in a lot of worldly baggage, "bad things like snakes and vipers and poisonous creatures," to use Saint Teresa's words. Those things are crawling all over us when we step into the outer rooms of the castle. These snakes and vipers are the resentments of not getting a promotion at work, the concerns over our retirement account, or the lingering lustful thoughts for our neighbor's wife and the selfish, unappreciative attitude we may have for our own wife. We are still stepping into God's Light but these things and many others are the mud in our eyes that Saint Teresa speaks of, which block God's enlightenment of our soul. The problem isn't that God's light is absent or weak in those outer rooms. It's that we've carried in "snakes and vipers and poisonous creatures;" our personal demons who have smeared our eyes with the mud of our favored sins which blind us to God's Light and stifle our further approach. Saint Teresa speaks grimly of the soul in this condition but not as if the soul were condemned. The soul is still in the castle after all and it's there for a reason, trying to find its way home into God. It's dirty, covered in vermin and mostly blinded to God's light but the light is still upon that poor soul and the light of God is not ineffectual.

Two Supportive Scriptures - Douay Rheims Challoner Bible

First John 1:5 God is light and in him there is no darkness.

Hebrews 12:29 For our God is a consuming fire.

God is light, and the light which is God is an all consuming fire that darkness cannot comprehend nor sin withstand. The first rooms of the Interior Castle may actually be an uncomfortable place of purgation from those snakes, vipers and poisonous vermin of sin that we carried into God's enlightening presence. We may not be able to see the light but it's still upon us, burning away the vermin we all carry into God's presence and dissolving the mud in our eyes that prevents us from opening them to the Beatific Vision of the King from His Royal Chambers.

In an earlier portion of The Dialogue Saint Teresa referred to one of these first rooms as The Room of Self Knowledge and urged patience, that we not rush out too quickly, presumably so we could acquire sufficient wisdom in our place before God. But in this entry she does speak of moving on to the "second dwelling places" of the Interior Castle. We are not to rush out from those first rooms where we acquire our humble knowledge of self before God but neither are we to rest there. Self knowledge is to lead into self effort just as faith is to lead into works and in this case, those works are the difficult abandonment of those "unnecessary things and business affairs," along with all other snakes and vipers we carried into the outer rooms of the Interior Castle. By acting on our self knowledge rather than just pondering on it, the mud in our eyes will break away more quickly and we will see the light from the King's center chamber more clearly. We will know those outer rooms weren't as dark as we first thought and be more surely guided toward the lights source, in the King's Holy Chamber at the center of the Interior Castle.

Supportive Scripture - Douay Rheims Challoner Bible

First Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen generation, a kingly priesthood, a holy nation, a purchased people: that you may declare his virtues, who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

(i'm legit brainrotting over this movie it's my Roman Empire rn)

to those who haven't seen it, it's a BBC television film released in 1974 but it's easily found on YouTube (at least in the US, can't say for other countries cuz of YouTube copyright stuff)

nonetheless, even though it has 70s British folk horror pagan imagery typical of the time (no shade to folk horror of course, i *love* such movies such as The Wicker Man), there's honestly smth to be said about the state of Christianity being co-opted by nationalists and people wanting to hold up the status quo (the Mother and Father of Britain) in contrast to those composed of mud and flame (there's some queer-coded coming of age motifs as well which is nice as a queer person myself). i think the scene that sticks out to me is where Stephen plays a piece from The Dream of Gerontius on the church organ and the floor opens up in this gaping chasm as the terrible note represents the glance of God.

then Christ appears commanding Stephen, "unbury me!"

f u c k i n g c h i l l s, man. i think in my time avoiding Christianity (well, the *American Evangelical* kind), its nuanced and mystical and archetypal takes on Christianity that's sort of "bringing me back"

sorry this isn't as structured as i want lol i really just wanna yap about this movie with other ppl here ahah

I've been going through a faith transition, shifting from a high control religion to a contemplative approach with a search for more direct experience with God. As I've gone through this faith transition, I found that for a while I felt like I had to talk as often as possible about the challenges I was going through and my issues with the way the church discourages this type of independent growth. The pain and frustration was just too much to bear alone.

Recently I've found myself feeling drawn inward to stillness and a willingness to quietly suffer. There is a quiet pain and contentment at the same time.

I've felt like something within has been shifting me, as opposed to me consciously trying to do it.

Any thoughts on this?

With the exception of the New Testament of course.

I posted this in the open Christian subreddit but I was wondering if anyone here could help me with my question.

In 2020 I became a Christian again. Hours later after this, I began hearing voices in my head. At first, I kind of dismissed it as bizarre intrusive thoughts. But as the weeks went by, the voices grew clearer. It was just like regular people were speaking except it was in my mind. And they didn't sound human. And they sounded scary.

To make a long story short, I had to be hospitalized in 2020 because the voices I was hearing claimed to be demons and they constantly threatened to kill me in my sleep and then torture me forever in hell. And these threats felt real because there were times I felt them physically touch me. For instance, one time I was praying with my eyes closed when I suddenly felt scared for no reason; my eyes were still closed but I could hear something walking in my room and then smearing something on my forehead. When I mustered the courage to open my eyes, nothing was there and nothing was on my forehead. Along with this, I had terrible night experiences. The closest thing I can describe is as is some type of sleep paralysis. Eventually, I started occasionally seeing them too.

From Aug 2020-Apr 2023, I had to deal with this. I think I still have my reddit posts up talking about some of this and asking people for help. No matter what medications my psychiatrist prescribed and no matter the increasing dosage, nothing ever changed. And many Christians told me to seek out deliverance ministries but that didn't do anything either.

What finally made 'the demons' leave me alone was me deciding to live a life of trust. I have a written testimony where I go into more detail about this but basically it meant to always remember that I loved God and trust when he said through scripture that he loved me. Because he loved me, that meant he would protect me from the demons that constantly had me so scared. And because he would protect me, I had no reason to fear. As I made the effort to live every day by this belief, things gradually got better.

These days I'm doing a lot of deconstructing of my faith. It's a real enlightening and liberating experience. But I still feel confused on what I'm supposed to make of that long period of 'demonic oppression' I went through. Was it really just schizophrenia as that's what I was diagnosed with? Or was it real demons? What is a Christian mystic position on demons and Satan? Are there any knowledgeable books about this topic? I think having more clarity about what I went through would give me even more peace of mind.

[removed by OP] thank you all for the wise words ❤️‍🔥

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Diary of Saint Faustina - paragraph 113 - Three Words of Sanctity - Part 1

First Word - Sincerity and Openness

113 And again, I would like to say three words to the soul that is determined to strive for sanctity and to derive fruit; that is to say, benefit from confession.

First word-complete sincerity and openness. Even the holiest and wisest confessor cannot forcibly pour into the soul what he desires if it is not sincere and open. An insincere, secretive soul risks great dangers in the spiritual life, and even the Lord Jesus Himself does not give Himself to such a soul on a higher level, because He knows it would derive no benefit from these special graces.

In acts of repentance, whether in the confessional or elsewhere, I tend to turn a blind eye toward sins I'd rather not think about. I don't believe the priest in the confessional sees my most secret sins but I certainly know Christ does whether I'm in the confessional or not. I know there are no secrets from Christ so in reading Saint Faustina's entry, I have to ask myself, who am I trying to fool? And since there's nobody left in this situation but me, it has to be my own interior self that I'm somehow trying to fool even though I know that can't truly be done either. Saint Faustina's entry has helped me realize that more fully and I doubt I'm the only one turning a convenient blind eye toward a particular sin, basically trying to ignore a sin out of existence while also inwardly knowing that can't be done. It's like one part of me making a fool of another part and both parts making a fool of myself before God.

Supportive Scripture - Douay Rheims Challoner Bible

Romans 2:16 In the day when God shall judge the secrets of men by Jesus Christ, according to my gospel.

This entry from Saint Faustina's Diary also reminds me of God's Indwelling Presence and that this presence is also all knowing, ethereally and spiritually entwined in all parts of us. God isn't just present in our flesh but interactively in our thoughts as well. He is pleasantly and guidingly present in our virtuous thoughts but also painfully and resistantly present in those thoughts which He knows will lead to sin. Our Indwelling God suffers in the presence of our sin just as Christ suffered on the Cross as He took on the sins of all men. But just as Christ could have abandoned the Cross at any given moment and never did, so does our Indwelling Savior never abandon us, always choosing to maintain His suffering and gracious presence amidst our sin. But since God remains with us, and since His Spirit is so entwined in our interior personhood, there is a connection between our Indwelling God and us that we can never escape and should never want to.

When God suffers within us because of our sin, we feel a measure of that suffering ourselves because we're so connected to Him. It can't be the same type of suffering though because God experiences our sin in the state of His own sinlessness so God's suffering in the midst of our sin would be much greater. The suffering of God amidst our sin that we end up feeling is like a watered down, distant echo of what God feels, probably arriving into our consciousness as just a passing realization that we did something wrong.

Supportive Scripture - Douay Rheims Challoner Bible

First Corinthians 3:16 Know you not that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?

I need to think about the above verse and maybe others do as well, focusing on the fact that Paul is speaking of us as a living, thinking and sentient temple, not an impressive looking building. We are hosts of God's Spirit, just like those buildings of impressive appearance but so many of us are tormenting our Indwelling God in our fleshy walls of exterior sin, and deluding ourselves into thinking that if we ignore our most secret sins, we might delude God Himself. In doing this, we are defiling the very temple which God made us into.

Supportive Scripture - Douay Rheims Challoner Bible

Ezekiel 8:7-12 And he brought me into the door of the court: and I saw, and behold a hole in the wall. And he said to me: Son of man, dig in the wall, and when I had digged in the wall, behold a door. And he said to me: Go in, and see the wicked abominations which they commit here. And I went in and saw, and behold every form of creeping things, and of living creatures, the abominations, and all the idols of the house of Israel, were painted on the wall all round about. And seventy men of the ancients of the house of Israel, and Jezonias the son of Saaphan stood in the midst of them, that stood before the pictures: and every one had a censer in his hand: and a cloud of smoke went up from the incense. And he said to me: Surely thou seest, O son of man, what the ancients of the house of Israel do in the dark, everyone in private in his chamber: for they say: The Lord seeth us not, the Lord hath forsaken the earth.

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I’m not looking to tell my story here, all you need to know is that I’m ready to return to Christianity and God, and that I have some questions.

1. How do I find the right church denomination for me, when I believe that no one denomination is fully correct in what Jesus intended for the Church? I’m currently attending a Greek Orthodox Church because it’s what I like most out of all the churches I’ve ever gone to and because the priest is really cool, but I strongly disagree with their emphasis on Mary, and I’m skeptical of their claims about being the original Church. I hope that the answer will not be to just not go to church, as I think having a schedule of attendance to go by and a community to be a part of will be really stabilizing for me.

2. How can I properly incorporate Judaism into my practice? I am not interested in “messianic Judaism”, however I did study Judaism for years in preparation for a conversion, and I think there’s wisdom there that should be incorporated into Christianity.

3. (Edited out because the answer is clear)

4. What are your thoughts on dressing modestly, especially about women covering their heads?

I know this is a lot, but an answer for even one of these would be greatly appreciated!

Please forgive me if this is not allowed, and feel free to delete my post. I have some questions though. For some context first, I have been raised by Baptist parents, with whom I still live while I finish college. I also have not been baptized. During 2020 and 2021, I began looking into other denominations, but in early 2022, I became an atheist. In late 2022, my parents found out about this, and I suppose I reconverted at least partially due to want to feel like I belong. Some part of me did feel peace though, when I came back to Christ, and at least part of me did want to return.

Since then, though, I have essentially gone through a cycle of going back to atheism, and then going back to Christ, or looking into other beliefs. It's tiring. I look into scripture, and church history, and the church fathers, and other topics, but I still cannot decide on what denomination I agree with. Although I think I am most interested in Lutheranism, Episcopalianism, or Eastern Orthodoxy, I cannot make up my mind. Even if I did, I do not believe my parents would approve of any. I believe the Eucharist to truly be the body and blood of Christ, however this occurs. They do not agree, and my mother has even called such an idea "stupid."

Regardless, I feel like there are scientific, historical, and moral issues within scripture. I am completely happy with viewing historical and scientific inaccuracies as metaphors, or God communicating ideas to a more simple and less knowledgeable civilization than us. I find it difficult to overlook moral issues, such as slavery and genocide, though.

Additionally, whenever I get to the part of the cycle where I leave God, I end up returning. But as for why, I am not sure. Is it guilt or shame? Maybe partly. And yet I still feel a longing for God, as if I am being drawn to Him. I am not sure. Perhaps I am deluding myself. This constant back and forth is depressing and tiring.

I suppose I have questions for anyone willing to answer, then. Maybe this isn't the best subreddit to ask these questions in, I was thinking I might get a different understanding of things with a sub such as this one, as oppossed to r/christianity.

Do you have any advice? Are you able to look past certain things within scripture? How? Why do you have faith? Have you experienced an event that has given you faith? Have you had a similar journey, and if so, how did it go?

I thank you for reading, and I ask that you pray for me.

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https://preview.redd.it/gj6cd1ng7hvc1.jpg?width=1302&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dcb27a3bf80efdba173937b552aaa6daac4b2105

Dialogue of Saint Catherine - The Most Mystical Sacrament

Do you know the condition of the soul who receives unworthily? She is like a candle on which water has fallen, which can do nothing but crackle when brought near the flame, for no sooner has the fire touched it, than it is extinguished, and nothing remains but smoke; so this soul has cast the water of guilt within her mind upon the candle which she received in holy baptism, which has drenched the wick of the grace of baptism, and, not having heated it at the fire of true contrition and confession, goes to the table of the altar to receive this Light with her body, and not with her mind, wherefore the Light, since the soul is not disposed as she should be for so great a mystery, does not remain by grace in that soul, but leaves her, and, in the soul, remains only greater confusion, for her light is extinguished and her sin increased by her darkness. Of the Sacrament she feels nothing but the crackling of a remorseful conscience, not through the defect of the Light Itself, for that can receive no hurt, but on account of the water that was in the soul, which impeded her proper disposition so that she could not receive the Light. See, therefore, that in no way can this Light, united with its heat and its color, be divided, either by the scanty desire of the soul when she receives the Sacrament, or by any defect which may be in the soul, or by any defect of him who administers it, as I told you of the sun which is not defiled by shining on anything foul, so the sweet Light of this Sacrament cannot be defiled, divided, or diminished in any way, nor can it be detached from its orbit.

If all the world should receive in communion the Light and Heat of this Sun, the Word, My only-begotten Son, would not be separated from Me - the True Sun, His Eternal Father because in His mystical Body, the holy Church, He is administered to whoever will receive Him. He remains wholly with Me, and yet you have Him, whole God and whole man, as I told you, in the metaphor of the light, that, if all the world came to take light from it, each would have it entire, and yet it would remain whole."

This entry from the Dialogue begins darkly, on the subject of approaching The Sacrament of Communion outside a state of true contrition and receiving it bodily instead of mentally. The light of the holy candle of that souls Baptism is extinguished in the waters of guilt and the soul is left in a dismal, smoke filled darkness with only the crackling sound of its own remorseful conscience.

That's dark imagery but through the Sacrament, Christ is still in that soul, undivided and still wholly with the Father and the Spirit in the smoke of the smoldering wick and the crackling sound of the remorseful conscience. Even in the scanty reception of the Sacrament we still receive the entire Godhead within us, discerning our interior self and speaking to us of those discernments from within our own darkness. We aren't alone in that darkness and Christ's presence isn't made ineffectual through our "scanty desire" in receiving Him. It's not that Christ's enlightening presence in the Sacrament is cast out or even diluted by sin. It's more like even in the darkness of sin Christ's Mystical Body of the Church enlightens us by means of a remorseful conscience, pushing back against our sin so that the holy candle of Baptism may be relit to enlighten our darkness again.

Supportive Scripture - Douay Rheims Challoner Bible

Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is living and effectual and more piercing than any two edged sword; and reaching unto the division of the soul and the spirit, of the joints also and the marrow: and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

I don't think this passage from Saint Catherine's Dialogue was meant for only a few of us, but all of us to various degrees. None of us approach the Sacrament in the most reverent or holy state possible. We all try but our best holiness will always be dirty rags before God. By various degrees then, all of us approach the Sacrament outside the best contrition possible and by equal degree, we all cast the "water of guilt" onto the holy candle of our Baptism. When Christ enters any man through the Sacrament, He is always entering our sin no matter how pure we try to be. The crackling sound of a remorseful conscience is a normal reaction when our sin meets Christ in that most mystical Sacrament of all, when the sinless Christ joins Himself to sinful man.

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I felt conviction for my sins and I prayed to God to save me and the Holy Spirit is changing my heart and mind to turn from my wicked ways. I feel so sad for all the sins I have committed. But God is so wonderful and altogether lovely 🥰. I’m so ready to get back on the right track and repent! There is no turning back now! I read the whole New Testament this week and I’m praying for God to show me what his plan is for me and what I should do now. I’m looking to join a church so I can grow in my faith! It has been painful under the weight of my conviction of my sin, but it is wonderful to know I’m saved! Also I’ve been sexually active homosexual for the past nine years so I’m preparing for a life of celibacy! It’s ok because Jesus is the only man I need in my life!

Here is the newspaper article of victims coming forward!

https://www.myleaderpaper.com/eedition/jefferson_county_leader/page-01/page_244cd1d4-3e87-5754-ac05-1d0842424d7a.html

Ok I know that may sound backwards to some of you but hear me out.

If evil is a precise inversion of good, evil contains a sort of image or shadow of the good in being a precise inversion of it, because that which you make yourself an exact opposite/inversion of you also make deeply relevant to and in a sense encoded by yourself.

There is also the idea that evil plays a good role in God’s system of realizing the highest good.

Between these two things, evil starts to seem to almost to have a bizarre sort of holiness or maybe sacredness to it to me kind of. Does anyone else here think about it in a similar way? Have any Christian mystics in history thought about it this way? I personally am finding it rather helpful to think about it this way as it seems to serve as a reminder that things are in some sense supposed to be the nightmare that they are, which means they aren’t truly as nightmarish as they can seem at times (not pointlessly, meaninglessly, Godforsakenly nightmarish). Everything has its place, everything serves a high metaphysical purpose, everything happens for a reason and is necessary. This is the place where good and evil, God and not-God, are delineated, and EVERYTHING here serves and helps that cause.

Again, does anyone else think in a similar way?

Edit: I no longer think the idea of a holiness of evil makes sense but I am leaving this post up because some of the answers are worth preserving I think

Hey everyone,

I've been pondering the idea of communal prayer lately and its relevnace in Christian mysticism. I find the idea intriguing and would love to hear your thoughts on it.

Firstly, I'm curious if anyone knows of any mystics who have written about communal prayer. Are there any particular texts or teachings that delve into this topic within the realm of Christian mysticism? I'm eager to explore the insights of those who have delved deeply into the mystical aspects of Christianity.

Additionally, I'm interested in exploring biblical passages that could inspire a deeper understanding of communal prayer. Are there any verses or stories that resonate with you in this context? I believe that exploring the biblical foundation of communal prayer could provide valuable insights into its spiritual significance.

Overall, I'm excited to engage in a discussion about communal prayer within the context of Christian mysticism. I'm open to hearing diverse perspectives and interpretations on this topic, so please feel free to share your thoughts and insights!