IZ BEEN EARING BOUT THA WAYZ DIFFRIN HUMIES TAUK! ‘ERE IZ DIS LOT DAT SPEK LOIKE DA BOYZ! DEY IZ KALLIN’ IT KOK-KNEE! IZ KNOW WOT KNEE IS! DA HECK IS A KOK? DAT SQUISHY HUMAN THING? US BOYZ IZ NOT SQUISHY!

WOT YOUZ FINK? KRUMPIN TIME?

WY DA SMOL ORK GROT KEEP SINNING IT AINT EAZY BEIN’ GREEN? GREEN IZ DE MOST ORK COLOR. E IZ NOT RED, OR BLUE, AND GREEN IZ BEST. SO WHY IZ E MOANIN BOUT BEIN GREEN?

YA RECKON E DON’ WANNA BE AN ORK?

ONE KWESTSHUN DAT HAZ BEEN ON ALL MEKBOYZ MINDZ IZ AHH MUCH FUEL DOEZ YA NEED VS HOW MUCH AMMO YOUZ CAN HAVE. SIMPLEE PUT, MOAR AMMO OR MOAR DAKKA? PERHAPZ KULLERIN DA SLUGS IZ DA SOLOOSHUN.

WHAT WE DOEZ KNOW IZ:

RED: FASTA

BLOO: LUCKEE

GREEN: IZ BEST

YELLO: BIGGA BOOM OR MOAR TEEF

WHOITE: DEADLEE

BLAK: TUFF

PURPLE: STELFEE

DIS STUDDEE LOOKED AT DA EFFEKTS OF PAINTIN DAKKA WIV KULLAS AN’ TO MEAZURE DA EFFEKTS. WE’Z SHOOTED A FASUND SLUGS FER EECH KULLER AN’ MEAZURED SUCH FINGS AZ:

PENETRASHUN,

AKKURACEE,

RELIABILITEE (SHOOTA JAMZ),

AN’ RANGE

WEZ SHOT A’ UH VARIETEE OF TARGITZ SUCH AZ:

INFANTREE (KUTOUTZ, WEZ RAN OUTTA PRIZONERS AN’ BECUZ O’ FARE TESTIN WE HAD TA USE KUTOUTZ MADE BY DA BEST ARTBOYZ)

PLANEZ

BUGGIEZ

TANKZ

WE’Z WANTED TAH SEE DA EFFECTS ON VARIOUS TARGITS AN’ DA RESULTZ ARR:

RED: RED SLUGS SEEMZ TER PENETRATE MOAR AND GO FURTHA. WE’Z FINK DAT BECUZ DEY GO FASTA, DEY GO FURTHA. ALSO DEY PUNCH HARDA TOO. WE’Z ALSO FAND THAT DA BARRELS OF DA SHOOTAS GOT HOTTA FASTA.

BLOO: AZ PREEDIKTED, BLOO SHOTS WOZ MOAR AKKURATE WHEN ON INFANTREE TARGITZ. DA INTERESTING FING WOZ DAT WIV VEHKULLS DA SLUGS FAND THE WEAKSPOTS BETTA. ALSO BETTA DAN AVERIDGE RELIABILITEE, DIDN’T AV AZ MANY DUDS.

GREEN: AD DA BEST AVERIDGE PURFORMUNCE, GOOD AKKURACEE, GOOD RELIABILITEE, GOOD PENETRASHUN. NO INTERESTIN REZULTS.

YELLO: MIXED REZULTS. WE’Z HAD TO REPLACE SHOOTAS EVRY NOW AN’ AGAIN BUT MOSTLEE FER YELLO SLUGS. DEY EXLPODED HARDA AN’ HAD GOOD RANGE AND PENETRASHUN BUT ROTTEN RELIABILITEE. WULD ADVIZE TA AVOID.

WHOITE: BEST PENETRASHUN, REALLY DI’ A NUMBA ON DA TARGITZ. IN ALL UVVA THINGZ DEY WERE OKAY.

BLAK: GOOD PENETRASHUN AND BEST RELIABILITY, DEY FIRED MOST OF DA TIME VERY WELL AN DIDN’T MESS UP DA SHOOTAS AZ MUCH. DA HARDNESS O’ DA SLUGZ SEEMS TA MAKE IT PUNCH HARDA.

PURPLE: NAH DIS IZ EMBARRSIN TA SAY BUT DER WERE MANY PROBLEMZ WIV PURPLE AMMO. COUNTIN’ IT WAS HARD AZ SLUGS SEEMED TA DISAPPEAR. ALSO DA TRACER BITZ OF DA SLUGS DUN’T WORK. AKKURACEE WOZ TERRIBUL, DIDUNT HIT A FING BUT IT MOIGHT BE O’ USE TO DEM SNEEKEE COMMANDO BOYZ.

NAH DA BEST KULLER IZ PROBABLEE BLOO, AZ YA NEED LESS SLUGS TA KILL FINGS WIV. NAH DA PROBLEM IZ WE’Z KNOW MOSTA ARR BOYZ JUS’ SHOOT ALL DA AMMO ANYWAY AN’ DUNT FINK ABOUT HOW MUCH DEY GOT. PERHAPZ A SMARTA BOY MOIGHT DO WELL WITH BLOO AMMO. PURPLE IZ ALSO A GOOD KULLER BECUZ WE ‘ONESTLY DIDUNT KNOW HOW MUCH WE’Z FIRED A’ DA TARGITZ. WE MOIGHT HAVE SHOT MOAR DAN A FASAND. DEREFORE YER GET MOAR BANG FER YER TEEF.

IN KONKLUSHUN, WE’Z EXPLORED ALL DEZE KULLERS AN’ EACH O DEM MOIGHT HAVE APPLIKASHUNS FER DIFFRUNT FINGS.

(both vending machines come with a warning sign) IF YER TRY AN LOOT SNACKS OR DRINKS FROM DA MACHINES DEY WILL KRUMP YA!

Snacks
GROTIOS KRUMPED-1 TOOF
GROTIOS LIVE-3 TEEF
SQUIG RINDS-2 TEEF
SQUIG PIE-2 TEEF
SNOTLING-1 TOOF
KHORNE SKULL MUNCHIES-4 TEEF
NURGLE CRISPs-3 TEEF
SLAANESH STUFF-1 TOOF
TZEENTCH ???? BAG-2 TEEF
SQUIGITTLES-2 TEEF
ELDAR JERKY-5 TEEF
KRUMP CHIPS HUMIE FLAVOR-2 TEEEF
KRUMP CHIPS TAU FLAVOR-2 TEEF
KRUMP CHIPS ELDAR FLAVOR-2 TEEF
KRUMP CHIPS CHAOS FLAVOR-2 TEEF
KRUMP CHIPS BUG FLAVOR-2 TEEF
CANDIED GROT-3 TEEF
CANDIED SNOTLING-2 TEEF
CANDIED SQUIG-4 TEEF
FACE EATER SQUIG-6 TEEF
NEW ITEM! KHLAV KALASH-4 TEEF

DRINKS
SQUIG COLA- 1 TOOF
SQUIG COLA CHERRY-1 TOOF
SQUIG COLA DIET-1 TOOF
FUNGUS BEER-3 TEEF
FUNGUS BEER DARK-4 TEEF
FUNGUS BEER LIGHT-3 TEEF
CRAB JUICE-2 TEEF
MOUNTIAN DEW-2 TEEF

KAN YOU SEE DIS : 🟪🟪🟪 IF YA KAN, YA MOIGHT BE A WEIRD BOI

CONTECKS: ME AN' DA BOYZ (~1-ISH MOST UV EM|NB) DECIDED TO RAID A HUMIE WORLD FO' A LAUGH. WE'Z THOUGHT IT'D BE AN EAZY FOIGHT YUH? LIGHT SCRAP TA GET DA SPOREZ PUMPIN. TURNS OUT, DA WORLD WUZ A GORKDAMNED SPIKEY-GIT WORLD, DA GREEN WUNS TA' BE SPESIFIC. A' COURSE, WE KRUMPED 'EM ALL, THANKS TA OUR WARBOSS GRAWGUTZ'S (43NB) STOMPA. DA THINK KICKED DA SPIKEY-GIT'S PLAYG OGRIN'S HEAD CLEAN OFF! ZOGGIN' HILARIOUS, I'Z TELL YAH!

ANYHOW, WE'Z NOT DUMB, YUH? WE'Z KNOW DA NURGIE SPIKEY-GITZ AIN'T GOOD EATIN'. BUT. I FIGURED IT'D BE REAL GRUTTIN' FUNNY TA' FEED THE OGRIN'S MEAT TO OUR CLAN'S GROT, GROM (~1NB). WE THOUGHT DA LIL GIT WOULD EXPLODE LIKE A BALLOON, 'CAUSE HE KEPT GETTIN' FAT. WAS REAL FUNNY AT FIRST. BUT GROM JUST KEPT GETTIN' BIGGAH AN' BIGGAH! AN STRONGAH, TOO! REAL BRUTAL, EVEN MORE KUNNIN'.

EVENTUALLY, GROM JUS' GOT UP, WALKED UP TA GRAWGUTZ, AN' KRUMPED 'IM LOIKE IT WUZ NOTHIN'! JUST SQUISHED 'IS 'EAD LOIKE IT WUZ NOTHIN'! BY MORK'S PECS, IT WUZ SO ZOGGIN' FUNNY!

THEN, WE WUZ CONFUSED. A GROT WUZ NOW DA BIGGEST, AN' DA BADDEST. DOEZ DID MEAN A GROT'S OUR NEW BOSS?

DA OTHA BOYZ SEEM TA THINK SO. CALLIN' 'IM "DA PAUNCH" AN' "YER IMMENSITY". BUGGAH'S A DAMN GOOD FOIGHTAH, I'LL TELL YA THAT - BUT A LOTTA DA BOYZ ARE OFFENDED DAT DEY GOTTA TAKE ORDERS FROM A GROT NOW.

DEY'RE SAYIN' IT'S MY FAULT FO' FEEDIN' GROM DA PLAYG OGRIN MEAT. BUT OI THINK DAT GROT ER NOT, HE'S STILL DA BIGGEST AN' BADDEST, AND DEREFORE DA BOSS BY DEFAULT. PLUS IT WUZ SO FUNNY IT WUZ WORTH IT YUH?

SO, ORKDIT. AM OI DA ARSEHOLE?

I WAS CHARGING AT TU BUNCHA METAL FINGS WITH SOM SHOOTAS. WATS BULLSHIT IZ THAT ALL OV THEIR SHOTS WERE HITTING MY CREW PERFECTLY. AND WEN A STRAY BULLET TOOK EM OUT I FOUND OUT WHY THEY WERE SUCH. GUD SHOTS THEY WHEEERE FUCKING BLUE NO WONDER THEY WERE SO LUCKY THEY WHERE BORN LUCKY. FUCK THESE BLUE METAL FINGS

DA ZOGGIN' BOSSES STOMPA WAS BREAKIN DOWN A BUNCH SO I REPLACED DA RED WIRES WIF BLUE ONES I FOUND AFTER A GOOD KRUMPIN'

BUT NOW INSTEADA YELLIN OUT ORKY WAAAAAAGH STUFF, IT KEEPS YAPPIN ON ABOUT DA GRAYTER GOOD! SHOULD I REPLACE DA BLUE WIRES WIF SOMEFIN ELSE?

SO I WANTED TO MAK ME DAKKA MOOR SHOOTY SO I PUT MOAR BARELS ON IT BUT NOU IT JUST POURS SOME FUNKY GROG ALE

DEMS WER REEL NISE BARALS TOO ALL BLUE AN STUFF AD TO NICK EM FROM SOME TINY UMIES WIF BIG OLE BEARD SQUIGS

*ahem* I MEAN WAT I UST SAID! (NIKKED DA TOPIK FROM R/ORKS)

YUZ BOYZ BEEN SKRAPPIN' N' LOOTIN' LOTZ ALL WEAK. NOWZ YA BIGGA N' STONNGA N' NOT WEAK ENNYMOWR!

ITZ YOUZ WEAK END, ENJOYZ IT!

OI ‘EARD SUM MEKBOYS YAPPING ABOUT SOME GIT CALLED, “VASHTORR DA ARKAFING”. DA ZOG IZ DAT?! ZOUNDS LOIKE SUM CHAOZ BOY STUFF.

SO ME UND MY NEW PRENTICE MEK GOTZ INTA A BIT UV A FOIGHT BOUT IF'N YA KEN STILL SEE DA PURPAH PAINT WEN ITZ NOT PAINTIN' NUFFIN YET: I KEN SEEZ IT, BUT ITZ PRETTY CLEAH DEY KANT, SO I WANTZ TA KNOWZ, OW MANY UV UZ KAN STILL SEE IT UNTIL YA PAINT SUMMAT DATZ ORKY WIF IT, UND HOW MANY JUZ KANT SEEZ IT ORT ALL?

YER KNOW DA BIRD BEAKIEZ? DA BLACK UNEZ? DEY PAINT DA ARMOR BLACK, BUT DEY TRY BE SNEAKY! WHY DEY NOT PAINT ARMOR PURPLE? NO VUNE SEEN ORK PAINTED PURPLE! DA BEAKIEZ BE LOT STOOPID!

WAT CHAOS BOIZ DO YOUZ BOYZ THINKZ HAS DA BIGGEST SPIKDG BITZ?

View Poll

SHOOTYZ BETTA, CHANGE ME MIND

SOW, SUM UV YA'Z MOIGHT KNOWZ DAT I'Z A MEK, UND I'Z NOT WUN UV DA BOYZ, I'Z A GHORL, CORDIN TA DA DIGGAZ WOT WERKZ FER ME.

ANYWAYZ, WOT YA MOIGHT NOT KNOWS, IS DAT ME BOZZ HAZ BUNCHEZ UV DIGGAZ WOT ARE PART UV DA LADZ, UND DEY AVE SO MANY UV DEM DAT DEY GOTZ DER OWN MOBZ-UND-NOBZ, SUM UV DEM WHO FOIGHTZ WIF DA UVER NOBZ UN WINZ, EVEN DOH DEY SMALLAH. (DEY FASTA DEN A GRETCHEN UND WAY SMATAH, DATZ HOW DEY DO IT.) SO BASICALLY IT GOES LOIK DIZ, DER'Z DA BOZZ, 'E BOZZEZ EVERAHBODY, DEN DA NOBZ BOZZ EVRAHFING DAT AIN'T DA BOZZ OR NUVER NOB, , (WHICH KIND DON'T MATAH TOO MUCH), DEN DA WEIRDBOYZ BOZZ ANYFING, BUT ONLY IN DA WIERD BITZ, (DIZ IZ WHERE I CUMZ IN), DEN DA BOYZ BOZZ DA GRETCHEN'S AN' TRUKKZ UN HELICHOPPAHZ UN DAT, (AGAINZ, WHICH KIND AIN'T TO PORTENT, JUZ HOW GUD DEY KEN FOIGHT.) DEN DA GRETCHENZ BOZZ DA SNOTLIN'S UN SQUIGZ UN DAT, WOTZ TOO STUPID TA TAKE ORDERZ UND DA GRETCHENZ TOO STUPID TA REALIZE DAT DEY AIN'T TAKIN' ORDERZ.

WELL, A FEW WEEKZ AGO WUN UV DA SCOUTIN' PARTIES UV DIGGAZ FOUND A BUNCH UV WOT DEY CALLIN' "DIGGA SQUIGZ", AT SOME FARM OR SOMMAT. DEY COME IN TWO KINDZ, A SMALLAH FASTAH KIND DAT DEY SAYZ IS A "CAT" UND A BIGGA KIND DAT DEY CALL A "DUG". NOW ME, I WANT TO WORK WIF A DUG, FER FETCHIN' ME WRENCHES UND DAT, BUT DEY SAYZ DAT CUZ I'Z A "GHORL" I SHULD AVE A "CAT", BUT I SEEN SUM UV DEM "GHORLZ" WIF DUG DIGGAH SQUIGZ, SO WHY IZ CATZ FER GHORLZ BUT DUGZ IS FER EVRAH-BODY, AN' WHY IZ A CAT BETAH...?

HOLDZ A UMIE SKULL WIF A FANCY HAT

IZ KNEW 'IM HORATIO.

OIVE BIN FINKING, SUM OF DEM BEAKIES IS GREEN, WHY DONT DEY BE ‘ELPIN DA BOIS???

OI'Z LADZ WUT MAKES A KILL KANZ KILLA, ITS DAKKA OR IT UZER.

I HAV A CHOPPA AND A SHOOTA. I KAN HOLD BOTH AT DA SEEM TIME.

BUT WHAT IZ BEST?

SHOOTA IN DA ROIGHT HAND AND CHOPPA IN DA LEEFT OR DA OTHA WAY AROOND?

OR SHOULD I KRUMP SUM GITS?

I know you have a high bar for violence, so I thought about white collar crime. Let's say some Git embezzles Waaagh supplies, leaving the fleet grounded and many Boyz disappointed; I imagine your MO would be mobbing the offender.

IZ DIS JUS FANTASY?
KAUGHT "N LANDSIDLE,
NO ESCAPE FROM REALITY
OPEN YER EYES LOOK TA'DA SKIEZ AN' SEE
IZ JUS A POOR BOY I NEED NO SYMPATHY
"COS IZ EASY KOME EASY GO LITTLE HIGHT LITTLE LOW
ANY WAY DA' WIND BLOWS DOESN"T REALLY MATTA TA ME, TA ME

IZ WAZ FIGHTING DEM INQUZITON GITZ WHEN DEZ WEIRD GREY SPACE MARINES SHOWED UP SOME OD SEM ULSO FOUGHT LIEK A WEIRD BOY DO DOZ ANY OF YA BOYZ KNOW WAT DOEZ GREY BOYZ WERE?

WE ALLS KNOW THAT RED MAKES YA FASTA BUT WHERE YA FINDIN DA RED? WHATS BOUT THE BLUE AN PURPLE?

WHY DO SOME OF DA HUMIES LIKE DEM SISTAZ OV BATTLE HAVE BUBBLES ON FRONT, ESPECIALLY THE NON-FIGHTY HUMIES? IS DEY SQUIGZ OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT? HUMIES ARE WEIRD, BRUV.

Dey don't gets it. Howz a lad gonna waagh alone? It ain't rights and it makes me wants to stomp 'em

SO YA KNOW HOW HUMIES TURN RED WHEN DEY STAYZ OUT IN DA SUN? I FIGGERED DAT IF I DID DAT, I WOULD GET ALL RED AND BE DA FASTEST ORK TA EVA LIVE. I LAYED IN DA SUN FOR A LONG TIME, AND IM ALL RED NOW BUT ME SKIN'Z ALL BURNY AN' IT HURTZ! ANY PAINBOYZ 'ERE THAT CAN FIX ME UP PROPPA?

SO RECENTLY ME TRIBE'S WEIRD-BOY TOOK A SMALL THUMP ON DA HEAD FROM ME GOOD MATE SKARGUTZ. WE ALL HAD A GUD LAFF BUT WHEN DA WEIRD-BOY GOT UP HE STARTED TA SCREAM BOUT HOW "NUFFIN WUZ REAL" AND HOW EVERYTHING ONLY EXISTED FOR SOME GIT CALLED "GAMEZ WERKSHOP" TO SELL "MINIACHURZ"

DUZ ANY O' YOO GITZ KNOW WUT HEZ GOING ON ABOUT?