Hate my looks so much it just adds to me SHing, it's like hurting and beating on someone you hate

Are there any other things I can do that gives the same feeling as cutting but without doing that? I want try something else.

i've (F25) never been self destructive enough to be actually ending myself. Instead I've been having/had addictions which would continue into getting diseases (mostly cancer (I.e. smoking excessively just to start getting cancer (drinking/smoking insanely to doing that).

I've never been actively between killing myself, but just hoping for an end. When gettting some sort of ache, I will just keep observing instead of finishing it (I don't live in the USA; this does not end me financially).

I might guess I am just too curious.

Recently I went into the ER because I had kidney stones and the pain was killing me (They even gave me morfin), but I wasn't self destructive enough just to sit it out (and die)(/instead of going into ER)).

For selfdestructiveness I might wait for nature. But I just don't mind something that ends my life without me actively killing me (or involving my surroundings).

Like everytime before sleep I am just waiting to peacefully pass away. what's there to wait??

I am selfdestructive or...?

!I am not THAT selfdestructive, I will read your comments from another account.!<

!This is obviously a throwaway...!<

so, my mother knows abt my SH and does fully nude body checks, i leave my underwear on and dont take my pants fully off or socks off, so i was thinking ankles and lower lower legs, and how do i get a blade without buying or getting one from a pencil sharpener, i used a eyebrow razor previously but it was taken from me, any suggestions!!!

got no family problems, i do great at school, i got friends amd im well loved and then i keep ruining it by trying hard to have problems. i literally keep destroying myself. Self harm, no care for my body, and hating myself to the core every fucking day i hate myself so much for destroying her own life

I'm 17. She smelled my breath & knew I was drinking for the first time in a while. She asked why I drank & I said I was sad. I had a hard day, a really hard therapy sesh. She asked where I got it & I said a friend. She said she's not giving me anymore money because she works too hard for me to spend it on that. She's right. I'm getting a job soon so she won't have to worry about spending money on me. I sat next to her on the couch & started to cry but she didn't even look at me. She was just on her phone & eating. I know she's tired from work & doesn't want to deal with me. I know she's tired of this happening. But I just want her to ask me what's wrong like she means it & listen like she cares & give me a hug. But she never ever ever ever does. Even when I told her I was assaulted several times she never hugged me. I don't remember a time where she hugged me. I always love her. I always say I love you. She did start to say I love you back but only after I cried to her & told her how awful it made me feel when she didn't say it back. It hurts to have to explain to her everything I want her to do for me when it feels like she should already know these things. But I know she cares for so much. It just hurts that I know it but I don't feel it.

When this happens I just want to revert back to where I was when I was a kid. I had to comfort myself. I hugged & sang myself to sleep. I cut myself to sleep. When I have a hard day I do the same thing. I revert back to everything I even thought I got over. & It usually involves my mom. I want to leave this house & be around someone who will give me comfort. But that person doesn't exist. I'm the only one who seems to know what I need. But I'm just really tired of comforting myself. I want someone to do it for me. I don't want to watch my mom ignore me while I cry. I want to have people around me who will rush to my comfort when something happens. I don't want to be the kind of person who is always needing comfort. But when I really fucking need it, it'd be nice for anyone in this house to give it to me.

I poured my heart out in that letter. I exposed myself, cut open my arteries to bleed my truths out to you. I had a romantic urge to unveil myself, show my deepest flaws and their causes. Wrapped it up with a kiss and a stamp. Then after I returned to the city for my interview, the city where we shared our life together, everything just rushed back. Everything I had done, and everything you had said — with such clarity.

I saw my friend the next night, someone who knew me in the infancy of my personality. Who had encouraged my interests, made them seem more interesting. I told him everything that’s happened over the past 6 months. And he told me that the Ophelia he saw tonight was the same one he remembered from 6 years ago, the last time I had seen him. It broke my heart to hear that. Because I realized that even the me that I’ve renewed, the person I truly am and want to be, will never be enough. Never enough for Alec, the man I love.

I need to stop thinking of him because he is not thinking of me. I needed him to read those words this weekend, I needed it so much that I didn’t realize how I would feel if he didn’t. Didn’t read it. Didn’t even pick my letter up from the mailbox, even though he knew it was waiting there. The mailbox that I used to grab his mail from, and bring upstairs to the place we shared together. 

Because he went away this weekend, out of cell reception. And I had no idea. I’m not in his life anymore, and I don’t deserve to know these things. I’m not in his life anymore, even though he said he would always be there for me. Even now, even after everything. If anything happened, if I ever needed him — he would be there for me. 

My heart stopped when my messages weren’t delivered. I just sat in my dark, jagged feelings alone, a sinking feeling that it was just the beginning. Deep in my heart, I instantly knew that he’s gone. And I’m fading away. And this is my life now, with him being gone. This is my reckoning.

I constantly overthink and feel I force friends to do shit etc even if they tell me time and time again that I don't, sometimes I wish there was someone I could text "hurt me" and they hurt me worse than I hurt my friend lolz

I was doing a lot better. out of pretty much every habit. I was eating, hadn't touched drugs in years, quit smoking and aaaalmost quit drinking, at least, I was doing it a healthy amount. Then I slid back into the Ana's arms cause I hated that I'd turned into a fat fuck... now I'm getting high again just so I don't eat. I'm gonna lose it all soon I know it. good. I hope I do. that way I can have no regrets. I'm sleepy...

Stupid little reasons, right? Well, I guess this one's not all that 'little' when you consider the frustration it caused. I'd already been having a bad day, so I was just set up for this, man.

I come out to call the goats in for the night, and they're not coming. So I walk the field to find them, and this bastard has his head stuck in the fence. For some reason, for the last few weeks, they've become extremely resistant to allowing me to help them. When I grab their chin and horns to begin pulling them out, it seems to trigger them in to becoming defensive and panicked. It never did that before.

As the little bastard decided to do this right against a fence post, there was no leeway to work with. I ended up releasing him and just slapping the living shit out of my head a good few times. Then I walked away so I could scream and threw around their grain jar until the plastic was shattered.

I eventually had to walk off to find some wire cutters. I'll have to repair the fence tomorrow, it was too dark to do it by the time I got him unstuck. They're young, young goats get themselves stuck a lot. They'll grow out of it, once they figure out what they can and can't do with their horns. Just a matter of time..

Today was just a very bad day, to the point that I'm still so stressed out that I'm awake at 4:30am, and I'm usually in bed by at least 11pm. It was just bound to happen...and over the silliest reason. Or maybe it wasn't so silly. I'm not really the one to ask.

the fact i can’t feel happy the fact i can’t have friends i can’t have love i can’t have peace i am unwanted unloved i don’t want to be here anymore i don’t feel happy at all i feel like i am just a lonely person and i am meant to be this way i feel i deserve to be fat im ugly im disgusting i dont deserve to have things i don’t deserve to have people around me they don’t end up liking me anyway i don’t feel like i am happy and or deserve to be i feel like if i go in the bathroom a punch myself as hard as i can i’ll feel atleast some sort of relief from all of these self destructive thoughts

I am sick. And I have been for a very long time. I am one of the luckiest people in the entire world. I have so many friends and people that I can say I love with all my heart. But I am unable to feel the love that is all over me. I do not remember a time in my life where I was happy with life. I want to die more than anything. I know there are a billion people out there that would do anything to switch lives with me as they actually have to deal with problems. And yet here I am bitching about being "sad". I know that this isnt ok. I just cant enjoy the love that is in front of me and instead all I see is the hate I have for myself. I dont even make any sense at this point. I hate what I am with every fiber of my being. Fucking kill me. Thats all I ever wanted.

Writing this cause I have no fucking clue how to help myself. Sooooo I’m in a wonderful happy and healthy relationship. Unlike my past which is full of toxicity, of being groomed, and random hookup type things this relationship is with the man of my dreams. So much so I’ve idolized him …put him in a pedestal. He’s this bright shunning light of sun. He’s me if I was an evolved human being and he’s succeeds far past what I’ve ever achieved. To be real with myself yea I’m jealous of him. He can be himself and not hate himself. He does the things I only dream of being able to do. And yea..it’s cause he put the work in to do it but also things have been much easier for him than they have for me.

Now I’m stuck here wondering if I need to break up because I’m uncomfortable and this is all way too much for me to deal with all the time (it’s really emotionally tiring). Because he breaks down every wall I ever set up to keep people away. Because I’m scared to develop things I enjoy in front of him because he’s way better at them than I am. Because he’s nice and sweet and kind and I’m selfish. Because I don’t deserve a man like him even though he’s constantly worried that he doesn’t deserve me. Which is absolutely absurd. He has a life, a career, a personality, he’s awkward but can still get along with people, he fits into his community, and has friends, he’s everything …and what tf am I?

Still dealing with my self destructive habits. On the verge of feeling that I want to not exist again. …I feel so underdeveloped And I find it embarrassing or maybe to be more blunt like a huge blow to my ego if I try to be myself in front of him(which like fuck egos but yk .. it’s easier to say that than to live a life where I’m not confined to it)Even though I know that he wants nothing more than for me to be myself and be happy with myself But I’m afraid I can’t do it And I want more than anything to tell him how I feel …but I can’t find the right time..and I don’t want to hurt him… Idk what tf to do. If anyone has advice pleasseeeee help I’m like literally begging at this point.

(17f) Ive been in my new school for over half a year now. I got really good friends, even a boyfriend. I’ve always struggled with school attendance since I was 5, but it’s gotten so much worse this year. I go to school once or twice every two weeks. Or Im there for just an hour or two and then leave. I can’t stop because my teachers praise me for having good grades especially because I’m never there. I’ve always struggled with depression but I started drinking, and smoking a lot more. I purposefully started depriving myself of sleep. I started putting cigarettes out on my skin and hurting myself in other ways. Doing risky things that could potentially cost me my life. The only difference I’ve noticed is that I’m somehow, more content and happier than ever before, even though im so miserable. I even want to go further, that I end up in the hospital or die, even though I don’t want to die? I don’t know why I feel this way. Shouldn’t I be feeling worse?

I recently had an opportunity to build a better life for myself.

I had fucked up and went to jail and I learned that i shouldn't drink or do drugs and I could work hard and do well.

And then I put myself in the lives of these homeless people who were doing drugs at this girls apartment. I was never really a drug addict but I became one seemingly for the fun of it. Theyade me feel like a friend but they just did it cause I kept talking all this stupid shit about having hope and all kinds of stupid shit. I didn't need to be there and it was like I was mocking them. I was very pretty and had a job and renting a room and I felt better about myself being around them.

But they knew I didn't belong there. They got a hold of my phone and know everything about me. Where I live, how I am failing with my daughter and everything else. I said the wrong things the other day and now it's only a matter of time before they make me homeless like them.

I did so much drugs in a matter of a couple of weeks that I have aged incredibly fast. My tits were already fucked from pregnancy and now they are wrinkly and flat. I'm only 31. My face aged 10 years overnight when I smoked meth for 12 hours the other night. I'm not safe where I live and I fucked up my job and am stuck .

I was doing incredibly well and I threw it away. I just know I'm gonna be facing jail again soon or homelessness. The drugs are still in my system and I am too weak and depressed to do anything. I have destroyed myself when I actually had a chance.

I put myself in their lives and made a joke of it and now it will be my reality . I am so incredibly devasted at the rapid age progression that has happened in just a few days. I think I should kill myself

I am a 27f and I was wondering if actively avoiding red flags in people I am attracted to is self destructive? Like I know they will end up hurting me emotionally but i still fall for them.

I've put so many scars everywhere on my body that I'll never be able to go outside without covering up every part of me. I have unhealthy sleeping habits where I don't sleep at all save maybe a few hours every other day. I don't eat properly, meaning I'll go hours and maybe a whole day or few without eating, just to stuff my face another, and the cycle goes back and forth. I'm isolating myself from everyone in my life. All I do is sit on my phone, not interacting with anyone, not even my bf. I've now decided as of 6 days ago to never speak again. I know a bit of sign language, but I never want to hear my nasty, ugly voice ever again. I've almost committed too many times to count, and everyone in my life doesn't seem to care. There are times where I've almost snapped and ruined every good thing in my life. I actively provoke people the times I do interact with them in hopes they'll stop talking to me forever. I have so many thoughts and plans on how to harm myself more, to desire different ways to make my life hell. I don't want help, I haven't in years: I want to get worse. It's eating away at me but I dare not telling anyone in my life. They'll probably lock me up and forget about me. I don't know what to do.

Like why am I like this?? All I do is try and do good but all it leads to is me getting hurt or accidentally hurting others without meaning to. Like why? Here's a few things I've done. 1.) Fall in love with a girl who doesn't love me. She quite obviously doesn't love me even though I love her. She had a secret boyfriend she hid from everyone. He cheated on her (also at the time she was underage and he was in his 20s) like idk why she even met up with him at all tbh. When I think of her I feel love but at the same time I feel angry about what happened and at her. If she had me as her bf none of this would've happened. Another thing that kinda ties to this but also doesn't is that I want to experience everything for the first time with someone else(their first too) like when I think of her and him it's all in my head about what they done and what they probably have done. It makes me want to hurt myself and/or kill myself tbh 2.) I have another snap that basically nobody knows about and I talk to other ppl on there to fill this void I feel. I am a completely different person than who I actually am. I'm more flirty and I make ppl feel good about themselves to the point they want to be my online gf basically. That makes me feel even worse cause when I snap out of that other persona of me I feel like shit about everything I've done. Like I just started talking to someone not even 5 days ago and they asked me to be their bf and said they loved me... I'm such a shitty person. I went along but after thinking about how I lied to someone about basically everything I tried to break up with them but they begged me not to. They eventually broke up with me not even 30 min later to save them even more heartache which I'm happy that they won't be hurt by me anymore. Man I feel like shit rn. I'm so happy I don't have access to a gun lmao. All I've done to hurt myself so far is scratch myself smash my head into walls and I tried to cut myself but it wasn't nearly deep enough for anything to really scar. Like I can see the lines of where I cut but it is only really visible to me. 3.) I know I have friends that do love me but at the same time I can't keep up with everything in my life. I barely talk to most of my family, and the family have and the ones I live with are addicted to drugs and alcohol. We make plans to do something but they feel "sick" which I know is just then coming off their drugs. Why am I such a terrible person I hate myself so much. Like sometimes I feel so happy about my life then 5 min later I wish I had the guts to kill myself. I live in a lie and I feel that the real me is who I am when I'm by myself and no one else is near me to know who I am. Online I lie about basically everything to ppl. Most days I start thinking about how I wish I wasn't even born so I wouldn't be how I am to myself and to others. Then it diverges into how I hate everyone in this world and how literally everything would be so much better if everything was destroyed. Like I feel there's too much of a displacement of evil vs good in this universe. The dark vastly outweigh the good. This is such a long post already I'm kinda done now I'm running out of steam if you made it this far I hope you had a good read about my problems this far (this isn't even all lol)

the tendencies of hurting myself is getting worse every day. i've been clean from cutting my skin, but i burn myself with cigs now, everytime i smoke. i've pierced myself twice (septum & lobe). the only thing that's stopping me from cutting is: i'm lazy to clean the mess after. my re-occuring thoughts are: making myself fall from the stairs, bruising myself and earlier, i thought of piercing my legs. all of those thoughts are making me excited bc i know it will hurt me and that i will feel pain. i know im being self destructive as fuck rn but it's just chronic BOREDOM and idk numbness ?

You know… as I’ve grown up I have noticed I have a lot of self destructive tendencies and habits. I’ve tried breaking them for years and well… I fall back into do them without subconsciously knowing.. I’m on verge of losing my husband and family and I’m on verge of losing myself all together. I don’t know what to do or who to reach out to… I’m over 18 and have no health insurance so drs currently is out of the question. I’m so lost and hurt.. I don’t even know what’s wrong or right anymore. I just don’t want to live these days. It sucks..

So I’m a overachiever and stuff because of stereotypical asian parents and i always have A+ and maybe an A. This school year is starting out really bad because so far, i’ve gotten a 76, 72 and 50 in ELA (the 50 isn’t my fault cause the teacher was irresponsible and changed the due date of something originally due before 11:59pm after class to due before class and didn’t tell us, buts it’s still in the system), and i got a 44 in chemistry because apparently i didn’t turn in part of the hw which i was sure i did. Now my grades overall is 1 B-, 4 As, and 3 A+s. I know objectively that these are fine and I’m probably gonna get them up but I’ve literally been having nightmares about having those grades and Idk what to do cause I want to mess up my legs but hoco is next week so I can’t even do anything except add to an existing cut.

I have toxic/abusive parents, but they are on and off, sometimes being neutral (very rarely loving/good, so the best word is neutral), most times abusive. But i cant blame them, they had and have HORRIBLE lives. So it has always been easier for me if i though fights were my fault, i felt as i at least gontrolled something. Then there s my depression, again, guilt

anyway, i self harm, starve myself, refuse to sleep, all that shit, bcs i feel as if i m in pain i m...pure?

But i ve never seen it as clear as yesterday. I watched some...very unstraight guy pics late at night bcs i was upset and the next day, BAM, the worst fight my family has had in months, and, for the first time in some weeks...it had NOTHING, BUT NOTHING to do with me, i was completly neutral (the only family member to be so). And however...i was SURE they fought bcs i had sinned the night before, because i am a fat fucking faggot and because of me my family is falling apart.

So,as any mentally stable person would do, i lowered my pants to expose my hipbone, and with my father and sister standing a dozen meters away, i carved "FAG" in myself. And for those few minutes when i hated myself with a RAGING Passion, i would have legit smash my head against those boulders, but it felt so good. Because if it s all my fault, i can take it all on me. I can make myself so broken, so sick, so destroyed, smashed to so many pieces, that i will pay for all my sins, for theirs too. RIGHT? It s more than control. I never have to worry about sinning and being impure again, if i subject myself to constant destruction, amnt i pure? What else do i need?

I take Concerta for my adhd. And even though now it’s the time be more productive and focused I didn’t take them even though I knew that the “withdrawal” will cost me days of studying I desperately need. I’m on them again but it takes a couple of days to see them working. I hate that I constantly self sabotage and I can’t stop it. I feel like I have no control over my impulses. The self destruction never ends.

i’m a minor threatened with the psych ward if i so much as smoke a little weed, let alone drink as often as i did or smoke cigs or cut or starve. i either have to stop everything or stop getting caught. i don’t know if i can stop getting caught. i don’t think i can just stop. i’m not going to be happy with myself, i’ve done everything they tell me to do and nothing changes. i just need to wither myself away i don’t care if it’s selfish. i wish people didn’t care about me, i wish they all saw me the way i do. then i could do the things i need to.

Just realized I keep doing things that put me in a situation where my life could just end. And there would be nothing I could do about it. If that's not self destruction idk what is