/r/RedditWritesSeinfeld
The best of Reddit writing Seinfeld for today.
What is the gang up to now? Feel free to drop in with either ideas (please use [Prompt] in the title) or scenes/scripts for Seinfeld episodes that never were.
Feel free to come up with ideas for modern day Seinfeld, period-appropriate Seinfeld (90s) or even anachronistic Seinfeld (Seinfeld during WWII anyone?).
If you're looking for post-apocalyptic themed Seinfeld specifically, then maybe /r/seinfeldapocalypse is for you... although such content is also welcome here.
Or check out /r/SeinfeldQuotes for your memorable Seinfeld moments! Check out /r/SeinfeldTrivia and test your knowledge on the Show About Nothing! And check out @Fake_Seinfeld on Twitter!
Interested in other shows by the cast? Check out /r/RedditWritesVeep!
Also, head over to /r/RedditWritesSunny if you're as big a fan of IASIP (It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia) as we are. If you act now, they'll give you a free rum ham for subscribing... just mention Kramer's name.
/r/RedditWritesSeinfeld
Kramer to Jerry, “Jerry, guys will pay thousands to get rid of their wives nasty cats and little dogs. And we make it look like a natural death!” Jerry,”Like how Kramer?” K, “Like we drown the cat then put it in the dryer to fluff it back up. It’s a victimless crime Jerry!”
George run into his twin brother at an exclusive restaurant. This confuses George as he is only child. his parents revealed he actually has an identically twin. They gave the twin up for adoption because they couldn't afford to keep both kids but also do the fact they knew Jordan (George's twin) would be fine due to be adopted by a wealthy family.
George feels conflicted since he could have his twin brother life if he was adopted.
Kramer tries to become a special guest star on The Muppet Show.
JERRY: The Muppet Show? Kramer, what are you talking about? There’s no Muppet Show since the eighties!
KRAMER: No, Jerry, they’re doing The Muppet Show on YouTube now! On YouTube!
JERRY: Yeah, but Kramer, you’re not a celebrity! Why would they let you in on this?
KRAMER: Oh, you better believe it buddy! I am a celebrity! I’m going as your wacky, next door neighbour! Giddy up!
GEORGE: I can’t even get a table at a restaurant when I use your name, but he gets to be on The Muppets!
So Kramer guest stars on The Muppet Show. He goes viral again by falling over the set, destroying the curtain and revealing the muppet operators to the audience. George then tries to pick up women by telling them that he’s best friends with the next door neighbour of the guy who destroyed The Muppets set, but it doesn’t work. (“I can’t score dates by lying and I can’t score dates by telling the truth! Jerry, I’m a lost cause!”) Elaine gets into a conflict with her next door neighbour Mirabelle Oppenheimer for throwing an empty Coca Cola carton into Elaine’s backyard. Jerry’s new girlfriend Rachel insists that they take French lessons together and Jerry gets frustrated when he finds out that French is difficult despite sharing some vocabulary with English. (“They add at least twelve silent letters at the end of each word! Is there like a letter tax in France or something?”)
Jerry's girlfriend Bridgette calls him a simp as some sort of teasing flirtation. At first, Jerry is offended, but then he decides to take the opportunity to call Bridgette slurs as part of their flirtation too. Jerry soon crosses the line though when he calls Bridgette a slut, and she storms out of his apartment. George takes the bus where a twelve-year-old girl starts talking to him, seemingly flirting with him, calling him Skibidi Toilet and tells him he has rizz. At first, Geroge sees this as an immensely positive experience, but once he gets home and googles what Skibidi Toilet actually is, he becomes upset. Elaine comments on the Zoe LaVerne scandal; she sees this as a double standard, but Jerry soon understands that she's just upset that no young boys are crushing on her anymore because she "looks too old". Kramer writes an E-mail to an activist and gets no reply. He tries to reach the activist on her Instagram and gets bullied by her fans, so he recruits Newman and Mickey to picket in front of her house.
The problem? Everyone at the restaurant now believes Jerry is an acclaimed British novelist, forcing him to adopt a fake accent and dodge questions about his nonexistent books.
An extended version :
Jerry meets a woman he falls deeply for and brings her to Thanksgiving dinner with family and friends. However, during the gathering, he makes a shocking discovery—she’s Newman’s sister. Meanwhile, George finds a fancy winter jacket in a dumpster and gifts it to Estelle, only for Kramer to arrive at the party and comment, “Who would be crazy enough to toss such a great jacket into a dumpster?” Adding to the chaos, Elaine brings Puddy, who has recently gone vegan and irritates her and the rest of the guests by criticizing everyone for eating meat.
Ok, help me out with this one…just had the idea. The gang all gets roped in to some sort of Santa gig during the holidays. It could be Mall Santa. Hospital Visits Santa. Parade Santa. Whatever it is, it’s because there’s a shortage of Santa’s and one by one they all reluctantly agree to be Santa somewhere.
All of them think they can kill George (Elaine: “I mean, c’mon, it’s George”). Jerry thinks he can also kill Kramer (Jerry: “After all, who would miss the hipster doofus?”). George thinks he could kill Jerry but it would have to be part of an elaborate lie (George: “It’s only murder if I admit I’m guilty”). Elaine is confident she could kill all of them but can’t decide if she’d do it alphabetically or in order of who has annoyed her most recently (Elaine: “I mean, c’mon, it’s still George”).
Kramer switches to boiling water baths and boiling water showers.
KRAMER: Jerry, once I made the change, I can never go back! I take one every morning, and I'm calm and refreshed for the rest of the day!
ELAINE: Wait, Kramer. Just how hot is it?
KRAMER: All the way!
JERRY: All the way?
ELAINE: Don't you get burns?
KRAMER: It's all part of the experience!
George buys some Vaseline so he can finish quicker when he's in the bathroom, but when his new girlfriend Tess sees the Vaseline, she thinks it's for sexual purposes, calls him a pervert and storms off. Elaine is sick of having three men as her friends and decides to join The Five Club, which is a group of women who go for a 5 a.m. morning run in the park. She thinks it would be a grand feminist experience but instead, she finds out that it's all middleaged women. Jerry is dragged into participating in an anti-bullying campaign with Kenny Bania, but while they're shooting the ad, Bania accuses Jerry of bullying him.
Jerry tells him you either bring 100% of a pie or none at all. Elaine argues that because George failed geometry there's no way that 90% figure is accurate. Kramer is inspired by George's story and tries to open a store that sells "slightly sliced" pies.
Kramer gets to a restaurant that makes rhe best bacon egg and cheese in NYC. They don't serve breakfast after 11. He searches far and wide but nowhere has a breakfast menu all day. He goes to Jackie Chiles who decides its worth a shot because he can charge any sample breakfast to the firm.
George goes to a thrift store and buys a trophy. He starts buying various trophies, medals, and plaques at the thrift stores for a variety of categories. He displays them in his office assuming people will be impressed but look no further. Every one of the trophies involves a talent/sport/skill a coworker of his excels at and they all want to compete with him or learn from him.
Jerry dates a chef in a 2 star restaurant (Mendy's). She angrily quits from her restaurant job and tells Jerry he cannot eat there again in solidarity. The restaurant immediately gets rave reviews and moves up to 4 stars. He hears people constantly raving about the food. He tries to sneak in disguised but is recognized by Bania.
Elaine runs into a handsome blind man. He flirts incessantly with her. After a few minutes he does the "face touch" thing and immediately stops flirting
Peterman tries a bottle of the “premium” brand and is utterly captivated by the taste. He orders Elaine to track down the manufacturer and secure an exclusive distribution agreement. Newman hears about it and says that he has “a connection”, but can’t promise anything. Elaine implies that it will be worth Newman’s while to make the deal happen.
Steinbrenner also hears about this new local brand and sees it as a shot in the arm for flagging concession sales (“A YANKEES EXCLUSIVE, GEORGE!”). George, having overheard Newman telling someone earlier in the show that he has a connection (and not knowing he was talking to Elaine), promises Steinbrenner that he can get it done. The rest of E & G’s involvement is constantly one-upping the “silent bidder” that Newman alludes to, each making more outrageous promises that they can’t possibly fulfill.
Jerry add people’s obsessions with premium anything to his act, pointing out the absurdity of premium bottled water and no one can tell the difference between that stuff and tap water. He’s approached by a representative of “Big Water” and told to cut the water bit from his act. Jerry refuses, and Big Water leaves after making a veiled threat.
Throughout the episode, Kramer and Newman have been filling up the bottles in Jerry’s apartment so that their water bills won’t go up. Due to plumbing issues, the water starts turning yellow, forcing Kramer & Newman to go to the abandoned Soup Nazi shop to fill them. Newman yells at Kramer because Kramer kept filling bottles when the water changed color, Kramer says that the water “just has to settle.” They take the remaining empties down to the alley behind Monk’s to fill, planning to dump & fill the unsellable ones afterward.
Jerry brings home a woman (femme fatale) that he met after telling off Big Water. She nopes out of Jerry’s apartment after seeing water bottles all over his apartment filled with yellow water.
Cue funky jazz outro.
Elaine hates it because every time someone takes a picture of Kramer when he’s with the group, she’s inadvertently making weird faces. George likes the attention because he thinks having a mysterious internet famous friend will give him an in with the cute girl in the marketing department. Jerry doesn’t mind at the start because of a boost in better gigs, but becomes conflicted when hecklers keep interrupting with questions about Kramer.
Elaine sees a man she really likes but sometimes he just seems so different. Some days he drinks coffee and others, tea. She swears he switches between lefty and righty and starts to wonder if its 2 twins taking turns and 1 of them is a much more selfish lover.
George gets a tickle in his throat. He tries to resist coughing as long as he can during an important meeting but coughs loudly when he can't take it anymore. His timing makes it appear he is ridiculing the boss/referencing a scandal/etc. It keeps happening.
Kramer fears Y2K. He decides can openers will be the first thing the computers target so we won't have any long-lasting food. He determines to figure out how to get into cans without a can opener. He buys hundreds of canned foods and uses a variety of methods to open them. He sees a pigeon drop a walnut and drops a can off the building; he uses his teeth; he stabs a can like shotgunning a beer; he shoots a can; he heats it up in the microwave tul it explodes. ("So we'll still have microwaves...but no can openers?" "You got it buddy")
Jerry's date always has an outfit that matches his to the color/pattern/style/etc. It bugs him that people see them as a dress-alike couple. He tries to throw her off -- he says what he'll wear the next day then wears something else - but she is matching. He wears a ridiculous pirate shirt - she has a bandana and eye patch. He wears a Santa hat - she has elf ears in her purse. He can't beat her and doesnt know how she does it
Convinced that Doug sees him as inferior, George spirals into increasingly bizarre attempts to force a handshake, including deliberately spilling coffee just to offer Doug a napkin hand-to-hand.
George is horrified to discover that his Uber rating is a subpar 4.8. “A 4.8! That’s a slap in the face, Jerry! I’m a premium passenger!” Obsessed, he sets out to find the driver who rated him less than five stars, using receipts, vague memories, and an elaborate spreadsheet. His increasingly neurotic behavior drives his score even lower as drivers start preemptively rating him poorly.
Meanwhile, Jerry reluctantly joins a rideshare loyalty program that guarantees cheaper rides but pairs him with an aspiring stand-up comedian driver who constantly uses Jerry as a captive audience to test new material. Elaine is thrilled to learn that her Uber rating is a perfect 5.0, but when her boyfriend finds out he’s at a 4.2, the relationship spirals into a series of petty arguments about who’s the better human being. Kramer, ever entrepreneurial, decides to become an Uber driver to test his theory that passengers love a personal touch, which includes bizarre snacks ("beef jerky kebabs"), unsolicited advice, and live harmonica performances during the ride.
Kramer has been sitting in on United Nations Sustainable Development Zoom calls, but he doesn’t know why. Because he can’t work out how to hang up or mute himself his comments have led to Tuvalu being awarded $2 billion in development aid which it doesn’t know what to do with.
Jerry does a bit about Dick Tracey and smart watches and how he doesn’t mind you talking into one on the subway if you are using it to fight crime.
Elaine suspects her smart watch is underreporting her daily step counts which is leading to her coming last in the voluntary J Peterman fitness challenge which she made mandatory for all employees.
Puddy is interested.
He struggles with it because he doesn’t want to be Ken. (“I don’t wanna be Ken!”) Kramer thinks her love of Barbie makes her sexy and is in awe when he meets her.
George is accused of using AI to write his emails at work because they’re so well-written, but it’s actually him writing them and he’s determined to prove it.
Elaine uses ChatGPT to write clothing descriptions for the Peterman catalog. She thinks the descriptions are terrible but turns them in anyway because she doesn’t have time to write anything original. Peterman loves them and says it’s her best work.
George sees a guitar in the Costanza attic which belonged to his grandfather. Estelle insists he take it. He has it strapped to his back on the subway and has multiple women approach him with questions about it. He starts carrying it everywhere.
Elaine's neighbor knits her matching mittens, hat, and scarf as a thank you for pet sitting. Peterman is enamored by the quality, design and pattern and demands Elaine convince her to sell in his catalog as a "homespun chic".
While in line at the DMV, Kramer blows on his water bottle like a jug and makes music. He is joined by a "drummer" (trash cans), "harmonica" (comb and paper), and spoons. They are given cash by fellow patrons of the DMV as entertainment and form a bad to perform on the street. A man who plays the rubber band is on a nearby corner and asks to join. He quickly takes over as leader and Kramer is pushed aside. There is also typical band drama but over who gets a stray dog instead of a woman.
Jerry dates a hippie who claims she doesn't were, eat, or use anything that wasn't locally made "for the environment". He insists that is an impossible lifestyle in NYC and tries to catch her using something mass produced. He fails miserably but ends up finding out she lives in a penthouse paid for by wealthy parents nd the whole thing is a facade
Kramer and Newman “invent” ginger beer but they find out that it already exists at the end of the episode.
G. I collect the reward, eventually they figure out it's not him. Kramer gets a week in county jail, it's an experience.
J. George, you can't just throw him in prison. How will he survive in there?
G. Oh, he'll get by.
Jerry tries to use them to get a lifetime supply of cereal.
Elaine attempts to get a job at the ad agency and tries to keep Kramer and George out of trouble.
At one point, Kramer's schedule is so busy he doesn't have time to eat. While doing a show at an elementary school, he tries to eat a ladle-full of spaghetti at the cafeteria, only to spill it on his face and costume as he is pushed out in front of the kids, appearing like he's covered in blood, scaring the kids.
Highlights:
Kramer copying the teenager's attitude/language/mannerisms because she is top seller
Multiple occurrences of men seeing George's earring and smiling at him and him getting flustered
Jerry's girlfriend ring looks like the ones cows get. She keeps doing things that make him see her as a cow -chewing gum loudly like cud, drinking milk, wearing black and white
Elaine in an epic hot pursuit of the thief, knocking people over, obvious stunt doubles doing parkcour