/r/RedditWritesSeinfeld

Photograph via snooOG

The best of Reddit writing Seinfeld for today.

What is the gang up to now? Feel free to drop in with either ideas (please use [Prompt] in the title) or scenes/scripts for Seinfeld episodes that never were.

Feel free to come up with ideas for modern day Seinfeld, period-appropriate Seinfeld (90s) or even anachronistic Seinfeld (Seinfeld during WWII anyone?).

If you're looking for post-apocalyptic themed Seinfeld specifically, then maybe /r/seinfeldapocalypse is for you... although such content is also welcome here.

Or check out /r/SeinfeldQuotes for your memorable Seinfeld moments! Check out /r/SeinfeldTrivia and test your knowledge on the Show About Nothing! And check out @Fake_Seinfeld on Twitter!

Interested in other shows by the cast? Check out /r/RedditWritesVeep!

Also, head over to /r/RedditWritesSunny if you're as big a fan of IASIP (It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia) as we are. If you act now, they'll give you a free rum ham for subscribing... just mention Kramer's name.

/r/RedditWritesSeinfeld

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19

Jerry's gf doesn't dry her hands after washing them. George is having problems with a coworker that gives "long goodbyes". Elaine is dating a guy that "adjusts himself" a lot. Kramer has a very fancy business card printed.

0 Comments
2024/04/24
06:38 UTC

20

Hello Newman

Jerry becomes suspicious when his new girlfriend’s telephone connects to Newman’s WiFi without having to put in its password. (The password we later find out is !HateJerry1)

Kramer gets agitated because he doesn’t know if he should call back his friends who call his mobile, but don’t leave a voicemail or subsequently text.

George dates Susan’s first cousin without knowing at first who she is. She doesn’t know who he is. George finds out who she is first, and panics she’ll discover who he is.

Elaine takes a job with Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

3 Comments
2024/04/24
04:39 UTC

6

Jerry tries dyeing his hair. Elaine’s new boyfriend only drinks Dasani water. Kramer takes up skateboarding. George’s new coworker calls him “his n***a”.

4 Comments
2024/04/23
23:25 UTC

17

Jerry makes a joke that accidentally convinced his girlfriend that he has a foot fetish. Elaine’s apartment floods and she has to stay with George. Kramer starts hearing laughter when his friends finish speaking.

4 Comments
2024/04/23
23:08 UTC

15

George hooks Kramer and Newman up with tickets right behind the Yankees dugout. Their yelling at the ump gets the Yankees manager to be ejected by mistake. Steinbrenner demands George find out who did it. Jerry has to have lunch with Uncle Leo, Bania shows up and he and Uncle Leo really hit it off.

0 Comments
2024/04/23
15:07 UTC

29

The gang agree to meet up for Free Ice Cream Cone Day... there's a long line

Jerry thinks waiting in line is a little absurd. George is obsessed with line-cutters. Elaine is tempted when she sees a friend in line ahead of them. Kramer and Newman emerge from the store with multiple cones.

2 Comments
2024/04/23
13:17 UTC

36

Kramer buys a Deluxe Camping Kit from a closing Outdoors Store and decides to camp in Central Park.

It is the middle of the night and Jerry goes to get a midnight Snack. Jerry notices a large Tent in the middle of his Livingroom with Kramer sitting in front of it roasting a Marshmallow over a small portable Oven.

K: "Hey buddy!"

J: "Kramer! What the fuck!?"

K: "Makin' S'mores. Want one?"

J: "Why are you roasting a Marshmallow in my Livingroom?'

K: "I'm camping, Jerry. The great Outdoors!"

J: "My Apartment is not the great Outdoors."

K: "Well, I can't camp in my Apartment, Jerry. It wouldn't be the same. So, you want a S'more?"

J: (Gives up and throws his arms up) "Yeah, alright give me a S'more."

K: (Kramer proceeds to make a S'more and hands it to Jerry)

J: (Takes a bite) "Hm. Not bad"

K: "Yeah, that's the real stuff."

J: "Where'd you get this stuff anyway?"

K: "The Outdoor Store a few blocks away is going out of business. 95% off everything! Got a bargain.

J: "Well, you can't Camp in my Apartment or anywhere else in New York City for that matter."

K: (Thinks for a moment and realizes) Central Park!

**J: "**Central Park?"

K: "Yeah, Jerry! I'll camp in Central Park, really rough it out there in the great Outdoors!"

J: (Shrugs) "Whatever gets this stuff out of my Apartment by morning."

Kramer then clumsily packs his Camping Stuff while Jerry goes back to his Bedroom. Soon, Kramer is setting up his Tent and stuff in Central Park. At first, he has a great time, but strange events start to occur.

3 Comments
2024/04/23
13:00 UTC

8

Jerry's new girlfriend refuses to laugh at his jokes, insisting she only communicates her amusement through text emojis. Meanwhile, Kramer starts his own ride-sharing service, "Kramerica Rides," using nothing but bicycles and rollerblades.

Elaine gets embroiled in a social media feud when she accidentally sends a scathing review of a bagel shop to her public feed instead of a private message. George pretends to be a tech mogul to impress a date, only to be caught when he's asked to fix Wi-Fi at the restaurant.

4 Comments
2024/04/23
03:23 UTC

2

Chinchilla people

Title: "Kramer's Delusion"

[Interior: Jerry's apartment. Kramer is pacing back and forth, looking paranoid.]

Kramer: Jerry, I'm telling you, they're everywhere!

Jerry: Who's everywhere, Kramer?

Kramer: The Chinchilla People, Jerry! They're hiding in plain sight, plotting against us.

Jerry: Chinchilla People?

Kramer: Yeah, half chinchilla, half people. They blend in perfectly with society. You wouldn't even know they're here!

[Elaine enters, carrying a box of oversized sunglasses.]

Elaine: Hey, what's going on?

Kramer: Elaine, you gotta believe me. The Chinchilla People are real!

Elaine: [skeptically] Uh-huh, sure, Kramer. And I suppose those sunglasses are to protect us from their chinchilla rays?

Kramer: Exactly! You catch on fast, Elaine. We need to stay one step ahead of them.

[Newman bursts in, wearing a tinfoil hat.]

Newman: Kramer, I've intercepted their chinchilla transmissions! They're planning to take over the city!

Kramer: See, Newman knows what's up!

Jerry: [sarcastically] Oh, great. Chinchilla conspiracies with a side of Newman. Just what I needed today.

[A knock on the door interrupts them. George enters, wearing a trench coat and sunglasses.]

George: Guys, I've infiltrated their secret meeting!

Kramer: You too, George? That's it, we're forming a resistance!

Elaine: A resistance against imaginary chinchilla people?

Kramer: They may be imaginary to you, Elaine, but they're as real as this rent-controlled apartment!

[The group starts brainstorming plans to combat the "Chinchilla People" as the camera pans out, leaving the audience wondering if Kramer's delusion will ever be resolved.]

1 Comment
2024/04/22
15:57 UTC

0

Chat GPT wrote an ep for 2024

Title: "The Virtual Reunion"

[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY]

(JERRY and GEORGE are sitting in the living room, sipping coffee.)

JERRY: So, George, did you hear about the virtual high school reunion they're planning?

GEORGE: (skeptical) Virtual reunion? What happened to good old-fashioned face-to-face awkwardness?

JERRY: Apparently, they're trying to adapt to the times. But knowing our class, it'll probably end up being just as awkward virtually.

(KRAMER bursts through the door, holding a VR headset.)

KRAMER: Hey, buddy boys! Check it out! I got us tickets to the reunion! In virtual reality!

GEORGE: (unenthusiastically) Oh, great. Now I get to experience social anxiety in HD.

JERRY: (sarcastically) Wonderful. Now I can avoid people without even leaving my apartment.

[INT. VIRTUAL REUNION - NIGHT]

(The gang logs into the virtual reunion. They find themselves in a digital recreation of their old high school gym.)

JERRY: (looking around) Well, this is... nostalgic.

GEORGE: (squinting) Is that supposed to be Mr. Thompson, our old math teacher? He looks more like a cartoon character.

KRAMER: (excitedly) Hey, look at this! They've got a virtual buffet! (grabs virtual food) Mmm, pixelated hors d'oeuvres!

ELAINE: (joining the conversation) So, who's organizing this thing, anyway?

JERRY: (checking his virtual program) It says here it's being run by Barry Stein. Remember him? Always voted "Most Likely to Succeed."

ELAINE: (rolling her eyes) Oh, great. I can't wait to hear about his latest business venture.

(As they mingle, they encounter various classmates, each with their own quirks and exaggerated virtual avatars.)

JERRY: (spotting someone) Oh no, it's Roger Spector. The guy who used to steal my lunch money.

GEORGE: (mockingly) Look out, Jerry. He might try to steal your virtual sandwich.

(JERRY and ROGER exchange awkward pleasantries before quickly moving on.)

ELAINE: (pointing) Look, there's Cheryl Johnson. She was always bragging about her perfect GPA.

KRAMER: (chuckling) Let's see how her virtual GPA stacks up against my virtual karate skills!

(They continue to navigate the virtual reunion, encountering old friends and foes alike.)

[INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - LATER]

(The gang takes off their VR headsets and relaxes on Jerry's couch.)

JERRY: Well, that was... something.

GEORGE: (sighing) I think I prefer real-life awkwardness to virtual awkwardness.

ELAINE: (nodding) At least in real life, you can sneak out the back if things get too uncomfortable.

KRAMER: (grinning) Eh, I don't know about you guys, but I had a blast! Virtual reality, real adventure!

JERRY: (dryly) Yeah, well, I think I'll stick to reality reality for now. No need to complicate things any further.

(They share a laugh as the scene fades out.)

[END]

7 Comments
2024/04/22
14:38 UTC

64

It’s Halloween. Elaine dresses as a witch for work and nobody notices. Jerry’s GF bought them a cop and robber couples costume. George wasn’t allowed to go trick or treating as a kid. Kramer recalls Babs taking his Halloween candy and putting it in his Christmas stocking.

7 Comments
2024/04/21
22:36 UTC

84

George tears his MCL picking up a food delivery from his doorstep. His doctor wants to hypnotize him instead of anesthesia. Kramer says he's been under hypnosis since '85. Elaine's BF is always snacking and won't take her to dinner. Jerry can't find a firm toothbrush

Jerry only uses firm bristles because soft "doesn't scrub well enough" but can't find them anywhere.

George thinks his doctor is a quack. Kramer says Newman hypnotized him years ago to stop gambling, and that all it takes is a few minutes and that George won't feel a thing during surgery.

Elaine's boyfriend is always eating apples or chips. She's never seen him sit down and eat a meal, and he never takes her out. She tries to trick him into meals but fails. She suspects he got hypnotized into snacking instead of smoking cigarettes. She decides to make him smoke again instead.

George is finally convinced when he is told hypnosis is significantly cheaper.... He wakes in the middle of surgery.

5 Comments
2024/04/20
19:10 UTC

36

Kramer begins watching TV with the volume set to one so he can develop super hearing.

George finds out that Elaine takes a polaroid of everyone who visits her apartment. He claims it’s weird but gets offended when Elaine doesn’t ask to take his picture. Jerry dates a girl who collects newspapers from tragic days in history.

1 Comment
2024/04/20
15:19 UTC

37

The Siblings: Jerry’s sister (referenced in “The Chinese Restaurant) and George’s brother (referenced in “The Parking Space”) begin dating.

Jerry becomes uncomfortable as George is increasingly excited about the idea of them being brothers-in-law.

4 Comments
2024/04/20
12:36 UTC

9

George Falls asleep watching a movie with his girlfriend without her realising. He then lies and says he enjoyed the movie.

2 Comments
2024/04/20
08:26 UTC

179

Elaine can't understand her Australian boyfriend's talking. It causes constant problems but he is very attractive. George skips a work party where something happend and nobody will tell him what. Jerry's girlfriend loves his fake laugh and hates his real one. Kramer wears a monocle

Elaine's boyfriend says what sounds like English, but the words make no sense. She just agrees with what he says if he seems to be happy.

George skips a work party because they're always boring. The next day the office is buzzing, but George is left out of the conversation. Every time he asks what happened he is told "You had to be there". He tries faking knowing but all the clues people give him confuse him more.

Jerry fakes a laugh at an attractive woman's bad joke. She compliments his laugh and repeatedly mentions how intoxicating and sexy it was. Whenever he actually laughs, she asks him if he is OK.

Kramer finds a monocle and wears it to the store. Wealthy people assume he is an eccentric billionaire when he haggles and argues with a grocer over peaches. He is offered membership in a very wealthy yacht club.

13 Comments
2024/04/19
21:23 UTC

20

Jerry feels a special connection bantering with a waiter until he overhears him “recycling material” with another customer. Jerry then tries increasingly elaborate ways of getting chummy with the waiter in and out of the restaurant.

1 Comment
2024/04/19
20:56 UTC

22

Kramer discovers stealth camping and thinks he’s better than he is at it. George finds a money clip and doesn’t believe the man who claims it’s his. Elaine discovers a talent for bingo that puts her against the other, older patrons.

1 Comment
2024/04/19
15:17 UTC

0

The Dogecoin

Jerry buys a small house for Kramer on Amazon, because Kramer is temporarily locked out because he didn’t pay the bills. George falls in love with a strange girl he met on Facebook who ends up catfishing him. Kramer ends up investing in a company pretending to be dogecoin to pay his bills and loses lots of money.

0 Comments
2024/04/19
02:45 UTC

24

Kramer starts sleeping in an upright seated position because it's "ergonomic". Jerry keeps getting Amazon deliveries from a "secret admirer". Turns out he's been ordering them for himself while on Ambien. George's new GF is smoking hot, and keeps him up with her snoring.

5 Comments
2024/04/18
22:29 UTC

222

Kramer decides to go “cashless,” while simultaneously not having a bank account. Jerry’s new girlfriend insists on only using emojis for Venmo transactions. Elaine dates a Rockefeller.

Kramer and Jerry are waiting to pickup Jerry’s car outside of a restaurant after dinner.

J: * fumbling around in pockets * “shoot, I left my last bills as the tip inside. Hey Kramer, let me get a few bucks so I can tip the valet.”

K: * scoffs * “Get with the times Jerry, nobody carries cash anymore. I’ve gone cashless and it’s great.”

J: “Cashless?!”

K: “oh yeah, I don’t even carry a wallet anymore”

J: “Where do you keep your credit cards?”

K: “Jerry, credit cards are a scam designed to ensnare you in a lifetime of debt and interest. That’s why I’m also bankless”

J: “so how do you pay for, you know STUFF?”

K: “like I said, cashless…”

11 Comments
2024/04/18
16:21 UTC

79

Jerry's girlfriend asks him for favors during sex and he feels it's unfair because he would say yes to anything. George realizes this applies to him when eating. Elaine thinks her boyfriend's best friend is going to steal him Kramer wears blinders because he can't be aroused for a week after surgery

6 Comments
2024/04/16
02:32 UTC

59

"The Unfriended"- Elaine get's unfriended on Facebook, and it confuses her.

Elaine notices a high school friend of her's unfriended her on Facebook.

Elaine: She unfriended me!

Jerry: So?

Elaine: So? She doesn't want me in her life anymore for some reason. I don't know what I did! It's not like I post political stuff, or endless photos of my vacations or relatives.

Jerry: When was the last time you talked to her?

Elaine: Like 5 years ago.

Jerry: And you're surprised? I'm just shocked you still care about this stuff. In 2010 this would be a big deal. Now, I'm surprised anyone still uses Facebook.

Elaine: Jerry, people STILL use Facebook. We will ALWAYS use Facebook. It's the Coca-Cola of social media. No matter who tries taking it down, it's never going away. Twitter rebranded itself. SnapChat was hot until Kyle Jenner killed it, and TikTok is going to be illegal soon.

Jerry: That's where you're wrong. If anything, Facebook is the Pepsi of social media. MySpace: that is the Coca-Cola of social media.

Elaine: Really? That's your takeaway from all this? What's Instagram?

Jerry: Diet Pepsi.

Kramer (sitting on the couch, reading the paper): Uh huh.

3 Comments
2024/04/15
16:29 UTC

27

Jerry's girlfriend eats the lone curly fry in his fries. George thinks the custodian hates him because his coworkers glitterbombed his desk as a prank. Elaine is given a knockoff bag and thinks the giver knew. Kramer is asked to sell his kidney to a millionaire

1 Comment
2024/04/15
02:52 UTC

196

Elaine's favorite breakfast muffins taste worse now but nobody else notices. George is told he has poor charcuterie etiquette. Kramer and Newman want to open a "dinner for breakfast" restaurant. Cousin Jeffrey gives Jerry's parents a better anniversary gift

Elaine goes to the same bakery right by her work every morning. Recently the quality of the muffin is significantly worse but nobody else notices. She insists they must have changed bakers or ingredients.

On a double date with Susan Ross and her friend, George eats too much meat and not enough cheese on a charcuterie board. Susan's friend argues that his ratio of meat to cheese was unfair. He said they weren't eating enough and he had to pick up the slack or the waiter would see the full board and not come back.

Kramer and Newman realize breakfast for dinner doesn't have to be a one way street. They argue that steak and eggs is basically dinner already. When no restaurant will serve them pasta for breakfast they decide to start their own.

Uncle Leo tells Jerry that cousin Jeffrey bought Jerry's parents a plot in Jerusalem for them to be buried together. Jerry desperately seeks out a better gift before their anniversary

24 Comments
2024/04/14
16:34 UTC

47

The Gang come with Jerry to Vegas to see his show. George tries to stay in a buffet for all 3 meals. Kramer wins big betting Horses, but lost it all on the electronic horse machine. Elaine gets a date with a Chippendales dancer. Jerry learns Bania will inherent his residency when his is over.

5 Comments
2024/04/14
09:13 UTC

0

Seinfeld Spinoff The Dog Days of Standup S01E03: Air Kramer

George's mother passes away, prompting him to embark on a mission to persuade his dad to relocate to a retirement community, allowing George to claim his childhood home for himself. After extensive persuasion, George's dad relents, swayed by the allure of companionship and a favorable male-to-female ratio in such communities. Yet, it's not merely about romantic encounters for him. He reveals that despite George's mom's passionate nature in bed, what he truly yearns for now is the tender intimacy of cuddling and love. This longing is exemplified by his fondness for Jerry's dog, Comet, who always provides comforting cuddles.

George is initially disgusted by the unexpected revelation of his parents' intimate history, but finds comfort in the idea of inheriting the family home. However, his joy is short-lived as his own father, influenced by Kramer's misguided advice, decides to transform the house into a profitable Airbnb venture. Kramer's misunderstanding of his role as an innkeeper adds a comedic twist, leaving guests puzzled by his presence. This leads to amusing scenarios, such as Kramer awkwardly attempting to blend in with the guests and offering them cigars. Meanwhile, George finds himself in a desperate attempt to sabotage the Airbnb plans.

In the subplot, Elaine becomes incensed when she discovers that her boss at the Jordan Peterson catalog has hired a man named Mo'. Her initial impressions are marred by overhearing him angrily speaking in a foreign language to his wife over the phone. Curiosity piqued, she snoops around his desk and comes across a family photo showing his wife clad in a black hijab from head to toe. Further investigation reveals that Mo's wife is a stay-at-home spouse whom he prohibits from working, indicative of their deeply conservative relationship.

Outside of work, Jerry and Elaine's relationship is on the rocks due to their habitual lying to each other. Determined to mend their bond, Elaine volunteers to take care of Jerry's cherished dog, Comet, while he's away pursuing his waning career as a stand-up comedian.

However, Elaine's supposed act of honesty soon reveals itself to be a misguided scheme. Believing a misconception she read about Muslims disliking dogs, she plans to bring Comet to work to expose Mo' as a "lunatic." Her ulterior motive becomes apparent - she aims to use Comet's presence to portray her coworker, Mohamed, as unstable and consequently get him fired. In her misguided attempt to challenge traditional gender roles in progressive New York State, Elaine inadvertently exposes her own hypocrisy.

When Elaine brings Comet to work, her plan backfires spectacularly. Instead of confirming her assumptions about Mohamed, she discovers that he actually adores dogs. In her frustration, she launches into a heated tirade against him, citing her mistaken belief that his cultural background dictates disdain for canines. She also criticizes his treatment of his wife, arguing for her right to wear what she wants. However, Mohamed, who hails from North Dakota and goes by the nickname "Mo'," clears up the misunderstanding. He explains that he's not Muslim, and Mo' isn't short for Mohamed; it's just a college nickname. Furthermore, he reveals that the hijab in the photo is actually a Halloween costume worn by his wife, kept on his desk because their daughter loves it. Additionally, Mohamed clarifies that his apparent yelling in a foreign language on the phone was not a language at all, it was sneezing due to allergies, further debunking Elaine's misconceptions. As her colleagues look on, Elaine's outburst leaves everyone questioning her sanity, while Mo' stands bewildered by her accusations.

Elaine's troubles worsen as she receives a tersely-worded email from Mo', inquiring about Comet's origin. Despite feeling downtrodden, she seeks solace from Jerry, hoping for his understanding. Upon Jerry's return from his stand-up tour, Elaine confesses her true motives for watching Comet, believing honesty will salvage their relationship. However, her revelation backfires when Jerry, misled by online misinformation, becomes irate, convinced that Muslims detest dogs and that her co-worker could have hurt Comet. Despite Elaine's attempts to clarify, Jerry's protective instincts override reason, leading to a harsh ultimatum: she must leave. In Jerry's eyes, Comet's well-being is non-negotiable, and Elaine finds herself ousted from their shared space, a casualty of her misguided actions.

In the main storyline, Mr. Costanzo becomes increasingly uncomfortable at the old folks' camp due to the aggressive advances of the elderly widows, which constitutes sexual harassment. Their persistence exceeds even his past experiences with George's mom. Despite his desire for genuine connection, their blunt propositions overwhelm him. Feeling out of place and disheartened by their lack of respect, he decides to leave and return home. Seeking a quick resolution, he contacts Kramer, urging him to cancel the Airbnb arrangement.

George finds himself without a place to stay, as Jerry refuses to host him due to the fallout from Elaine's actions with Comet. However, upon learning that his dad is leaving the retirement camp, George sees an opportunity to move back home with him. Despite his dad's quirks, George is relieved to have a spacious house to return to.

But disaster strikes when Kramer accidentally sets fire to the house with his cigar, reminiscent of the incident with the gay cabin. Although George initially sees a silver lining in the form of a potential insurance settlement, their hopes are dashed when they discover that their policy doesn't cover running a business from home.

The show concludes with a scene featuring George, his father, Kramer, and Elaine squeezed into a bed in Kramer's apartment, their homelessness uniting them in discomfort. While everyone else is distressed, Kramer sees it as a grand sleepover. Suddenly, the sound of barking from Jerry's dog, Comet, fills the room, prompting them all to shout "god damn, Comet!" in unison. As the familiar jingle plays, the screen fades to black, ending the episode.

0 Comments
2024/04/14
05:43 UTC

28

The Party: George introduces a woman as his girlfriend on their 2nd date to "stake his claim". Elaine tries to avoid her former (now CEO) intern who is dating her ex boyfriend (now fit and stylish). Jerry hasn't eaten and wants real food, not party snacks. Kramer haggles for his gift back.

6 Comments
2024/04/13
22:23 UTC

59

“The Flanderization.” The gang act differently when Jerry’s girlfriend comments how they all do the same thing every day.

-Elaine lets things go instead of being combative.

-Kramer tries living an orthodox lifestyle.

-George fights the urge to be cheap or petty.

-Jerry tries being less critical to impress his girlfriend.

2 Comments
2024/04/13
22:05 UTC

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