After a couple comments saying that they wanted more I will now write part 2 of Armybeard. Part 1 ended with Armybeard nearly blowing off my foot because of his own stupidity and in this post I will cover the aftermath of this incident and the downfall of AB.

Cast of characters: Me OP, Armybeard, my good friends/coworkers, Nathan, Johnathan, Sergeant (SGT) Brady, SGT Rivers (AB's direct supervisor), and Sergeant First Class (SFC) Gonzales

Following the incident in my last post SGT Brady and SGT Rivers talked to AB to calm him down because at this point he was hyperventilating and gagging. Whenever AB screws up he hyperventilates and starts to gag. Sometimes he actually throws up and it's absolutely hilarious to see. He'll still do these things even after we tell him that he's not in trouble and that he needs to chill. Anyways, SGT Brady and SGT Rivers were telling him that he more than likely will get an article 15. For those who don't know an article 15 is a punishment in the military for doing something serious like repeatedly missing work, disrespecting your leadership, and in AB's case a negligent discharge. It can entail loss of rank and pay and having to extra duty after work hours. The length of the punishment can vary and while it does suck it is not the end of the world. Even some of the best soldiers out there have received one in their career. The crazy thing is that if he didn't give a class on the weapon the week prior he could've just said that he wasn't properly trained with the weapon and then someone else would've been yelled at. After hearing that he was going to receive an article 15 AB started to panic even more. Eventually SGT Brady and SGT Rivers got him to calm down and when they did they told him to NOT talk about it with anyone because he'll just embarrass himself even further. You'll never guess what he did next. He started to talk about what happened to the civilian operating the targets downrange and making sure that they are in working condition. The nice civilian pretty much told AB the same thing that SGT Brady and SGT Rivers did and that he was going to be fine and he won't get kicked out of the military.

Later that weekend AB went to the convenience store that was on the base we were stationed at and bought some alcohol and brought it back to the tent my platoon was staying in. This was one of the few places where you were not allowed to have alcohol. SFC Gonzales saw that AB brought back alcohol and told him to throw it away. SFC Gonzales wasn't mad at all. He was just going to pretend he never saw AB had it and move on if AB simply threw it away. The issue was that AB went all the way to the other side of the tent and started handing it out to people and while doing so my commander saw him. When AB saw my commander he hid the alcohol behind his back like a little kid. Any chance of AB not receiving article 15 at that point just went out the window. My commander said he even wanted him out of the army but fortunately for AB that was not his call to make. Yes AB wanted out of the army but he at least wanted to finish honorably so he can still keep his benefits like free school and healthcare. My whole brigade, roughly 3000 people, heard about this incident and now everyone knew who we were, the platoon with the complete failure. Even well after the deployment I heard about people I didn't even know still talking about him. Shit was unreal

A few days later while Johnathan and I were on guard duty AB starts to talk about his time in Korea. Having been stationed there before I was interested in what his experience was like and my ears perked up. Not too long into the conversation AB tells Johnathan about how he got drunk and accidentally hooked up with a ladyboy. The look on Johnathan's face was absolutely priceless .I don't know about you guys but if that happened to me I would've taken that shit to the grave. My whole platoon heard about this and wondered if AB told anyone else about this but thankfully we didn't hear about this from anybody else. AB also told him how he spent nearly an ENTIRE paycheck on a juicy girl. For those who are not aware juicy girls in Korea are women who you can buy drinks for and they'll sit down and talk with you. After spending about $300 on them that's usually when they'll go home and sleep with you. However the juicy girl AB did not do this with him even though he spent nearly triple that on her. AB just loves telling embarrassing stories about himself like they're no big deal even though they make him look like an absolute dumbass.

The following week was pretty chill and quiet asides from the fact that my platoon was sick. You might be wondering what's so interesting about that. Well it's because a bunch of people even outside my unit were saying that it was because we were sharing AB's fleshlights. People outside of my unit knew he brought fleshlights with him. This led to SFC Gonzales to having to sit down with us and tell us that we needed to get our shit together even though AB was the one who screwed up. SFC Gonzales is a very chill guy but you do NOT want to get on his bad side. He didn't single AB out because he, SGT Brady, and SGT Rivers chewed him out so much people were starting to think we were singling him out even though we weren't. The guy was just such a screwup. We all knew how this happened, it was because AB does not know how to shut his mouth. Who he told about the fleshlights we don't know but we do know it was because of him.

That weekend me, Nathan, and a few other people went to a mall nearby and saw a booth that had little boxes with the one chip challenge. For those who are not aware what it is, the one chip challenge is where you have to eat an insanely spicy chip and last 5 minutes without a drink or anything to help soothe the heat. We bought one for the both of us, SGT Rivers, and of course AB. When AB saw me and Nathan eat our chips he started to laugh at our pain and talk his shit.

AB: You guys are such babies. I bet it's not even that spicy.

It was now AB's turn to do the challenge. He eats the chip and doesn't even last 30 seconds before he starts to panic and run for his drink. SGT Brady however hid his drink and this set AB in even more of a panic. AB runs outside and starts throwing up EVERYWHERE and he sick for the next day or two. This moment definitely humbled him and he stopped talking shit for a while. I wish I could share the videos we took of this but unfortunately I must respect his privacy.

The next month and a half was pretty calm and my unit was preparing to head to Germany for a 10 day training exercise that would certify us to deploy again. It was pretty much a laser tag war simulator where my brigade had to fight against the great fictitious nation of Donovia. At this point AB has received his article 15 and got demoted, lost his pay, and had extra duty for 45 days. This had definitely gotten AB to quiet down and he was pretty behaved. The first 2 weeks of Germany were pretty hectic because he had to unpack our gear again and get everything prepped. After 2 weeks the field training exercise began. The first 2 days were quiet and there weren't any sightings of Donovian nationals. On night 3 AB was placed on guard duty with Johnathan and SGT Brady in a humvee overlooking the south end of an airfield. My platoon's humvees were pretty cool and on the top of them they had a turret with a camera controlled with a joystick remote inside the vehicle. They're super cool and it's honestly like a videogame. They're called CROWS and you can look them up to get a better sense of what I'm talking about. Anyways, AB was in the gunner seat and at around 11pm he sees Donovian trucks peeling onto the airstrip and SGT Brady gives AB the call to light em up. However instead of pulling the trigger and turning the Donovians into swiss cheese he HOPS OUT OF THE VEHICLE AND TRIES TO SHOOT THEM WITH HIS M4. He is of course immediately "killed" and SGT Brady and Johnathan hop out to save him and are also "killed." Roughly 50-60 people including me "died" because of AB's stupid stupid mistake. SFC Gonzales and SGT Brady absolutely go ballistic on AB and I heard every single word even though I was a few hundred feet away from them. My memory is a little bit fuzzy but they were pretty much fed up with him and told him that he is not a soldier and doesn't belong in the military. AB was doing what he always did when screwed up and was hyperventilating and gagging. At one point he actually did throw up. I was absolutely dying of laughter an couldn't believe what happened. It was nonstop entertainment with this guy. The rest of the training exercise went smoothly and AB kept his head down. Soon after the training exercise ended my brigade packed everything up and headed back home to the states.

After getting home everyone was acclimating to being back in the United States and a little birdy told SFC Gonzales that AB was going home to West Virginia when he wasn't supposed to since he was only allowed to go 250 miles from base if he wasn't on leave. SFC Gonzales then has SGT Brady and SGT Rivers to check all our vehicles (can't single anyone out right?) to make sure there weren't safety issues and that they were registered and insured. Soon after we find out AB has been driving around uninsured for the past month. If he hit someone he could've been in deep shit not just with the state we were in but also the military. SFC Gonzales just wanted to see what AB's odometer read but we found a much bigger issue. It turns out AB's wife never added him to her insurance plan and he pretty much just took her word that she did and that was that for him. Didn't follow up or nothing. This caused SFC Gonzales to blow up on him and told AB to get in his office immediately. Unfortunately I didn't hear what they said because I was somewhere else preparing to get out of the army. SFC Gonzales told to me to come back to him when I had my dd214 (proof of service form you get right before you leave the military) and he would tell me because I would be a civilian then. Unfortunately SFC Gonzales forgot about this deal and I never got to hear what he told AB.

And that brings an end to the tale of Armybeard part 2. This was fun and I have been meaning to tell his tale for a while but I've never really gotten around to it. If you want some more stories I'm sure I can remember some more for you guys and I'll tell them down in the comments.

Back when I was in the Army there was a fellow I worked with in my platoon and for the sake of privacy I will address him as Armybeard. Even though he didn't have a neckbeard because the Army has grooming standards for soldiers he definitely embodied the neckbeard spirit. He wasn't blatantly a bad person. He just didn't understand things like social cues and quite frankly didn't have common sense. Not to be mean but he simply didn't belong in the military. It's not a job for everyone because it requires things like discipline, physical fitness, and a sense of responsibility, all of which he was lacking. He was overweight, late all the time, and really just didn't care about his job and in the military these things can get someone killed. The weird thing is that even though he didn't like being in the Army the ONLY thing he wore was Grunt Style clothing. It was like even though he hated being in the Army and was absolutely miserable he still wanted to show off how he was a service member. My leadership tried for well over a year to set him straight but despite their efforts nothing worked. Being patient with him never worked. Nitpicking his every move until he got better never worked. It came to the point where a lot of people thought my platoon was bullying him which was simply not the case. We never singled him out, called him mean names, or were physically violent towards him. He was a walking r/army post and it was honestly incredible. There are so many stories about him that I wish I could tell but not even this reddit post could contain them. I will stick with the most memorable ones.

Cast of characters: Me OP, Armybeard, my good friends/coworkers, Nathan, Johnathan, Sergeant (SGT) Brady, SGT Rivers (AB's direct supervisor), Sergeant First Class (SFC) Gonzales, and 1st Lieutenant (1LT) Warner.

I first met Armybeard about 8 months into my time at my second duty station. He arrived to my unit coming from Korea and at first he didn't really seem like a bad guy but it didn't really take long for us to see what kind of a person he truly was. AB arrived 2 months to my unit before we were deploying to Eastern Europe and we were quite busy packing up all our equipment and prepping our vehicles to be shipped overseas. Oftentimes we worked over the weekends we were that busy and because of this we spent a lot of time around AB. Before he really told anything about himself to my platoon he told us about his fiance he met on Tinder 4 months before then who happened to be just an hour away from his home in West Virginia. Keep in mind AB just got back to the states two weeks before this and really only has seen her in person once maybe twice and yet he had already decided to marry her. Another red flag is that she has 4 kids each from a different guy and since soldiers are guaranteed things like a paycheck, free healthcare, free housing, and free food I would not be surprised if she just wanted to marry him for these reasons. Outside the military I wouldn't have cared so much but in the military you have to make sure your soldiers meet their needs, are not in debt, and are taking care of themselves. If AB decided to claim her children as his own and she decided to divorce him he would be spending over half of his monthly income on child support. His fiance simply has not proven herself to be a loyal person and we worried about him but unfortunately it's not legal in the military to force your subordinates to not marry someone. You might think that there's still a chance that she loved AB but I can assure you she didn't. She avoided nearly every single opportunity to come out and see him and made no plans to move in with him even after getting married. When my unit was being deployed to Eastern Europe she didn't come to the goodbye ceremony and when we came back she missed the welcome back celebration because she was at Walmart with her kids shopping for a mattress. When he wanted her to come over for Halloween she said no because of "holiday traffic." The scary thing is that he wouldn't even question these things. He would just go along with all these obvious red flags like they were no issue at all. If AB was the love of her life then why did she miss all these opportunities to spend time with him? I honestly felt pretty bad for him. Sure he has caused a lot of embarrassment for my platoon for things I will explain later in this post but these things didn't warrant someone to take advantage of him and his money. He told pretty much everybody he met about her but would never pick up on the fact that pretty much nobody cared and how they thought it was weird how he's marrying a girl he met only once or twice. And sure enough AB married her the day my unit was being sent overseas thousands of miles away for 9 months. All my platoon could do then was teach him how to be a husband and a father. This was soon found to be a difficult task.

Roughly 3 weeks after my unit arrived to Europe, all of our gear and personal items we didn't bring with us on the plane arrived in shipping containers. While my platoon and I was unpacking our stuff near our bunks we soon discover AB brought two fleshlights with him and we were all baffled as to why he brought not only one but two of them. We were staying in a giant tent and there was no way he could do his business without getting caught. Yes we were staying in a tent but it was more comfortable than it sounds. It was well insulated and had two big generators for AC and heating. It wasn't that bad tbh. Anyways to get back on topic after we found out he brought two fleshlights we of course asked him why he brought them.

SFC Gonzales: Why the hell would you bring those and why tf do you have two? You know you can't jerk off in the wide open in the tent right.

AB: It's because they were buy one get one free, SFC. I actually tried to give one to someone else but I couldn't find anyone to give it to.

SFC Gonzales: Uhhhhh them being buy one get one free still doesn't explain why you brought two. You could've just brought one and been fine. And WHY would you offer one to someone else? How would they know you didn't use it before?

AB: I brought them both because they were buy one get one free

SFC Gonzales: You're clearly not listening to me. You know what? Just go about your business. I can't deal with this bs.

Flashforward a couple months later while we were in Europe. My platoon (specifically SFC Gonzales, SGT Brady, and Johnathan) was checking up on him and making sure he was trying to improve himself as husband and a father.

SGT Brady: AB have you done any research on how to be a father and increase your parenting skills?

AB: No SGT I haven't had any time.

SGT Brady: Don't f*cking lie to me. What do you mean you haven't time? All you do all day is sit on your bunk and watch Naruto. You are not a single soldier anymore. You need to take this seriously because you now have 5 people who depend on you. You can't just sit on your ass and expect things to work themselves out. Even though you have a wife to help out you can't expect her to do all the work.

AB: Yes SGT but I don't even know where to look

SGT Brady: AB you cannot be serious right now. You can find all this stuff on the internet. You are 23 years old and I know you are more than capable of doing simple research. You also have me, Johnathan, and SFC Gonzales who have kids of our own. If your wife comes out and tells the Army that you are incapable of being a father and are not providing for them you can get in serious trouble. If you love your kids you need to start showing it. Actually you know what? What are their birthdays?

This one really stumped AB and it was quite incredible to see. Everyday he talked about how much he loved his kids and how he couldn't wait to see them when we got back but yet he didn't even know their birthdays. It was honestly really pathetic. You think this would have motivated him to do better but it really didn't.

About a week after this AB really wanted to show how much of a leader he could be so he could get promoted. SFC Gonzales, SGT Rivers, and SGT Brady decided to throw him a bone and give him a chance. To do this they gave him simple tasks to show off his leadership skills and would be put in charge of me, Johnathan, and Nathan. Despite being given super easy tasks that even the newest soldier could figure out he would fail very hard every single time. He would often just ask us for help and just pretty much left us to figure everything out for him ourselves and take all the credit. Even when given the task of bringing the platoon's laptop to the unit's IT guys he failed drastically. He was told that morning to bring the laptops by 1pm but he fell asleep and lost track of time.

SGT Brady: AB why the F*CK ARE YOU SLEEPING RIGHT NOW

AB: My bad SGT I overslept

SGT Brady: Uh yeah doofus I can f*ckin see that. Why the hell didn't you bring our laptop to the IT guys? Every time we give you a simple task you somehow manage to fail

AB: No excuses SGT

SGT Brady: I'm really not in the mood for that right now AB. If you can't even do this then how do we know you have the ability to take care of a family? Stop playing around. We're going to give you one last chance to show your leadership. You are going to give a class on the M249 machinegun to the platoon since you, OP, and Nathan have to qualify with it next week. If you can do that we will continue to give you opportunities to show your leadership skills.

A few days later he gave his class and it was honestly quite horrible. He pretty much just copied and pasted things from the weapon's training manual into his powerpoint. He obviously had no clue what he was talking about and his class was super boring. Half the time 1LT Warner, the officer in charge of the platoon at the time, was the one teaching it and was showing the proper firing positions

Flashforward to next week. Our platoon went on a 2 hour drive to the shooting range my unit was hosting the M249 range. After we downloaded our weapons and ammo got everything prepped the range went live. And it just so happened that I was the assigned to be AB's target spotter. When AB was getting his ammo ready to start shooting he decided to pull the trigger as he was loading the rounds into his weapon causing it to spray 4-5 rounds straight into the ground 2 feet away from my foot. Despite nearly having my foot blown off I started laughing my ass off.

AB: What the f*ckin f*ck! Why did it start firing like that?!

SGT Rivers: AB stop swearing at the gun and get off the range NOW!!!

AB went off to talk with SGT Rivers and SGT Brady and while I didn't hear exactly what they said I do know that they told him that he was not allowed to handle any weapon for a very very long time and to stop talking about it with everyone further embarrassing himself.

I do have many more stories about AB but I might stop here since this post is becoming incredibly long. I'm not sure how well this story will be received but if you want me to write more stories about him I will.

It was a blog beginning in about 2005, where someone regularly wrote entries about their neckbeard roommaate. It was a guy who spent all his time alone in his room and the other roommate couldn't get rid of him.

And so we dig into my beard laden past... One of the biggest beards was in my life attached to me in my early 20s.

I (36f now) was a weird one growing up. I had been playing DnD and computer games with my father since before my teens. During the time I comingled with the beard, Joe (M 40s or 50s?), I was living in a northwestern state and managed to find a game shop literal blocks away from my apartment. Here, I started walking over to play in the assorted night events like adventure leave, board game nights, mtg Fridays, and the rare DnD game. It was a lot of fun, but the craving began to gnaw at me. I wanted a campaign that I could sink my teeth into and grow/develop a character.

Enter Joe. I had, of course, seen him in the shop during assorted events. He was very hard to miss, corpulent and notably aromatic. He seemed like a really nice guy with unfortunate physical attributes. The beard itself was thick and untamed, and he always dresses on slop pants or shorts and a food stained t-shirt that had holes and a musty odor. His personality was jovial and he acted as a kind and generous person, and he took me in when it came to MTG and DnD.

In the beginning, things were great, I would walk down to the card store with my decks. I had 3 that I was playing around with at the time. For those with interest one was a blue/green counters, another was a black/white angels, and the third was a green/white population deck. He would spend hours with me, going over the decks and tweaking my cards, teaching me how to get a realistic count of land vs. Cards...yall know the struggle can be real.

As of this time, Joe acted as more of a mentor than anything and to me, things were awesome. I have almost no social acuity, so this was fantastic. It was the first time I had a social life in a couple years. I wish I had just left things there, enjoying the separation from Joe, and the game shop was there for me to visit. But, I fluffed up. I accepted the invitation to go to his house for more in depth mtg lessons/trades and to help start a dnd 2nd ed game.

Suddenly, I went from meeting Joe at defined intervals, to being at his home for what seemed like every day. He has 2 daughters from 2 different relationships, and suddenly I was meeting them and their moms when the girls would be brought by for his time. We began dnd and I started with a fun character named Widget Berryslicer the gnomish rogue. I learned, very quickly, that Joe was used to playing iron man and he was a very punitive gm and she was basically killed by the 2nd session because of a few rolls and a lot of gm decisions. Ok. Cool. So I make a healer.. meet Clari Sage the druid. She did not get murdered in the second game...whew.Alright. So now we have a weekly DnD game in addition to MTG Friday and pre release events, etc. My whole social life started to orbit around the game shop, and by extension, Joe.

Things were going really well, we began to explore in the dnd world. Soon, Joe decided that he would start cooking dinner for dnd and the players just needed to put in 5 bucks to eat. This was a great deal at first. Slowly, Joe began to ask me to pick stuff up on the way to his house to cook for the dinner. Keep in mind, I still had to pay the 5 bucks to eat it, after purchasing the ingredients. Ok, shitty, but eh..

Fast forward to about month 4. I am now usually picking up ingredients on the way to his house, and he has me doing the cooking now, and loading up the car. We would carpool to the game shop, and not gonna lie those trips were rough. The car was always dirty with food wrappers and his personal body scent was so, so, so very thick. Once at the shop I would be the one to unload the car and set him up throne stayle at the table because that's what he had trained(not sure that's the best word..) I'd give him the 5 bucks to eat, then set up the food I had purchased and cooked. We would play, and then I'd go back to his house (about a 30 min drive) and unload the car before i drove back home, passing the game shop to get there. Some nights, he would have me stay the night.

Joe had some pretty severe health issues that I won't go into because they are not mine to share. He would have me assist him with medical stuff that he had difficulty with. It was unpleasant because of the odor and having to touch things. By this point, I'd conned myself into feeling that this was just normal, and he eased into taking more liberties with my person. Things were being pushed into a very NSFW direction. I was very impressionable and in deep dislike of myself and major depressive disorder (diagnosed). For all intents and purposes I was becoming a Waifu.

A few more months pass and with meds I'm finally starting to realize this was actually not ok. It took me a long time to work up the tiny bit of backbone I could muster and let him know that I was starting to feel taken advantage of. Not only was I purchasing everything and doing the cooking and then paying him for the privilege of eating it. He informed me that it was not his fault about this and that I had started taking over the cooking so he left it alone. He said he had to charge me so that the others in the group found it to be fair. I was told I was being high strung and dramatic. I backed down, he must be right. He was older, wiser, and he had been so kind in offering his help on anything gaming related. So, I backed down and apologized for being rude and we maintained the status quo.

I stayed in that situationship for almost another year. I did manage to ease away from the NSFW material, but I was still cooking and paying, making card trades for MTG, watching the kids when they were over, etc. I finally escaped the Neckbeard Nest in 2012, and have grown a little emotionally. I am still socially oblivious, but my now GF (36F now), Wolfie, helps me to navigate those waves. I moved away, and started fresh. Still trying to nurture and grow a back bone...but so far I have not had much luck. Maybe I have a black thumb?

TLDR- socially inept 20s something year old woman discovers a game shop and is chosen by a Neckbeard. Gets groomed and conditioned to support him and gets gaslit constantly to became a gamer girl waifu. She moves across the country to escape. Neckbeards push her firmly into a lesbian relationship that has and will continue to be a nurturing and supportive.

Apologies- the usual.. im not sorry about the length, but I am sorry if the formatting is wonky. I'm happy to share some specifics, but this is my very first neckbeard post and was not quite sure where to elaborate or condense.

Have the day you deserve, everyone, and thank you for reading.

ETA- clarifying ages

hi everyone! when i was younger i used to frequent this subreddit and laugh at all of these insane stories, never thinking id have any of my own. this past year has proven me wrong! for some context, im a 17 year old trans girl and currently a junior in high school. for simplicity sake, ill call the neckbeard stitch due to his obsession with the character stitch from lilo and stitch.

my first encounter with stitch shouldve given me enough red flags to avoid him, but it didnt. at our schools assembly regarding CPR in freshman year, i happened to sit next to him, and the first thing he said to me was "hey, are you gay?"

i was super offput for obvious reasons because who the hell starts a convo like that. i told him i was actually trans, and he asked me why (thats not really an easy question to answer to someone you literally dont know). we proceeded to have a slow and kind of awkward convo, and the only reason i really engaged with him was because i had just gotten unfriended by my ex best friend and i was extremely lonely. i seriously wouldve befriended anyone, and stitch came to me at the perfect time.

to paint a picture of this guy, i was genuinely shocked that he was in the same grade as me. full neckbeard, galaxy and anime themed hoodies, quite a bit taller than me (im 5'11) and overweight, and he always wore blankets over his backpack like a cape. overall, he fit the typical neckbeard/super senior archetype perfectly, except he didnt smell that bad.

regrettably, he asked for my number after we chatted for a bit and i gave it to him. hanging around him felt very uncomfortable and surreal, and i began to realize i had next to nothing in common with him. one time, this group of guys walked by us in the halls and began picking on him, so he yelled something at them in russian (??) and ran off. he was into typical neckbeard stuff like gaming and anime, and repeatedly told me his dream career is to be a twitch streamer (one time he got 10 viewers in a stream and he bragged to me about it). he also one time made this weird half joke about having nuclear codes and showed me something on his phone that i still dont really understand.

overall, i thought he was really strange and offputting but not necessarily a bad person. he told me he got diagnosed with bipolar, and i honestly thought he was just misunderstood. but then, as sophomore year went on, i learned more and more about him that made him out to be pretty creepy and somewhat predatory.

EVERY time he saw me in the halls without fail, he would hug me. i would never hug him back, and it always made me very uncomfortable but i didnt really know what to say. he also would say little things to me that felt kind of belittling and creepy, like one time when he offered to pay for my coffee and i denied and he told me to "stop being difficult". that doesnt sound that bad, but the tone of voice in which he said it felt so creepy, like how a 50s husband would talk to his wife.

another thing is that all of the people he hung out with were either creepy, gross, racist, or all of the above. me and my current friends avoid this group of people like the plague, as do everyone else. stitch was no exception, thinking saying the n word in the school group chat was peak "dark humor". he is very white.

the final straw in regards to having any sort of contact with him was when i found out he made an insanely creepy rape joke to one of my friends. i was never told what the joke was exactly, but i dont tolerate shit like that. i already didnt like him at this point, but i finally blocked his number (i had blocked him once already the summer after freshman year, but i think he got a new phone and didnt notice?). that day at lunch, he came up to me and asked why i had blocked him, and i didnt say anything. thankfully, my saint of a friend who i was sitting with told him "dude, if she doesnt wanna hang out with you anymore, leave her the fuck alone." and just like that, he walked away and we havent talked since.

this year, ive learned some new information about him from some of his ex friends. hes currently dating a girl who ill call lilo for continuity sake. lilo is severely autistic, and is developmentally behind most people her age. in laymans terms, she acts very childlike and naive. this makes me fear that stitch is taking advantage of her, which i wouldnt put past him based on the weird shit hes done and how one of his friends has SAd multiple people. i find the situation incredibly creepy but i dont know lilo personally so i cant step in. ive also learned that hes made rape jokes to a multitude of other girls. not really surprised.

i hope you guys enjoyed the story of the first ever neckbeard ive ever met! im fascinated by people like him, and im grateful that i never turned out like him even though i very well couldve (im from a conservative floridian town and i grew up in the "feminist rekt!" era of youtube). i saw him at the mall today with my friends and he made eye contact with me, and it was honestly terrifying im ngl. all i can hope for is that he and lilo break up and he seriously fixes his issues.

Good day reddit! I am back to deliver this very special edition retelling my stories of my time as a Neckbeard. This is a compilation of 3 stories that don’t quite have a place in sequence so far. Consider these beardy side quests for additional experience.

A brief recap: up until this part my other retellings have centered around Tammy Lynn, the damsel I distress. She was the girl I harassed through middle school and while she is not in these stories the timeline does overlap. She and I were stranded in Cousinfucker County, the land of over and underbites, where nearly all 5000 of the population shared the same 3 surnames. I, a young neckbeard, had a hair that looked like a mushroom was growing out of my head, Garfield Spider-Man style fake glasses, speckled blonde goatee, and not a whole lot of friends. I was also in Band and Boy Scouts and had given up my basketball career along side soccer because I couldn’t make The BBall team and TL had quit playing soccer.

Side quest one: Disaster Relief

The first story is a short one but is a throwback to 5th grade. This story also marks victims 0 or 1.5, depending on how you look at it, due to how brief the obsession was. TL and I did not attend the same elementary school, so for the few years of separation I had to focus on someone. What can I say, a 10 year old beard has needs. Chloe, let’s call her, was the prettiest girl at my elementary school (not the county). I had yet to have developed the courage to speak to her, so I lingered from a distance and creepily admired her from afar. While she was not in my class we obviously shared the same lunch and recess schedule and were also in the same hall which meant we would cross paths occasionally. There is only one occasion that I can think of, today and back then, where there is no way to retreat or escape a neckbeard that corners you in public school; SAFETY DRILLS. At recess you can run to your friends, at lunch to the bathroom, but during drills you had to follow instructions and stay where you are told. There is no where to run during drills. The specific drill that proved to my advantage was earthquake/hurricane (whichever one you filed into the hall against the wall). I was at the end of my class’s line, Chloe was at the front of hers and by mere luck (or dis luck depending on perspective) we were sat next to each other. I mustered my courage and asked the most important question of all time.

“Chloe, how old are you?”

“I’m 10” she said.

“What month were you born in?”

“April” she said.

I, being born in December, pumped my arm and shouted “YES!” in triumph. I then had to pull a card, the worst punishment a 10 year old could endure, for shouting during a drill.

I don’t know exactly why it was so important that I be older than her, but I do know that I did not speak to her again until high school where she became the school treadmill if you know what I mean. And no, I did not speak to her to have a turn, more on that in a second.

Side quest 2: The Soccer Mom

This story takes place at the beginning of 7th grade, and in band class. After 1 year of band with me both Billy and Tammy Lynn dropped the class. If I had known I would have too. 2nd year band students had the option of doing marching band which I opted to for what ever reason. It is here that I met Bandbeard who is the official reason that I dropped the class at the end of the semester. Bandbeard too was an unconventional beard like myself he was pompous and threw his metaphorical weight around as he didn’t have that much physically. He was loud without his trumpet and made me hate myself more than my insecurities already did.

Another opportunity for beard science here. I believe that beard are so obsessive and fixated on *insert thing here, because the insecurities and lack of solid role models to emulate. Beards obsess over a fixed, inelastic person, hobby, habit to feed off of, at least in their minds the thing anchors them and keeps them from doing the unimaginable, trigger warning, bad things to themselves because they do know how terrible they are. I certainly did.

That aside I loved Andrew Garfields spider man. The first movie had just come out or was coming out and it sparked the need for a hair change. I went from long Sprouse twins hair to a really poorly done fade to emulate Peter Parker. While my moms hair dresser could make it work I could not. When I styled my hair it would end up looking like a truffula tree. Long thin stalk with a tuft on top. I have on picture I would post if the reddit page allowed it, despite saying I wanted to maintain some privacy in a previous post. If you picture dirty blonde broccoli you are spot on. I also got the fake glasses and in all honesty I looked like lesbian Karen. This look along side my sports past prompted band beard to nick name me Soccer Mom. For 4 months I was taunted every class, every practice, every bus ride and every football game as being the Soccer Mom.

Side quest 3: ScoutBeard Tries cardio

Here folks in my one and only Neckbeard vs Neckbeard story. Strap for stage one of my reformation. This story takes place in spring after basketball season at my Boy Scout lodge. Obviously it’s easy to be bullied by others at school for being a band kid and a Boy Scout. Now imagine being the guy who is bullied by other band kids and boy scouts. That was my life. Today I decided I was too mad at my mom to take me to the lodge and opted to ride my bike the short distance there. This was a double whammy because the merit badge class I was taking was physical fitness. I parked my bike by the door. We said the pledge and oath, and went through announcements. Across from me sat Cool Cody 11th grade, the most senior scout in our troop at the time. Kenobi 10th grade (the choice for this name will be revealed shortly), and Scoutbeard 10th grade. An average looking neckbeard with all the key features, obese, triple chined with a mature woman’s bush glued on, and also the most obscene entitled mama’s boy I have met to this day. If I can think of more stories about him he may be worthy of his own saga. I have no idea why Kenobi and Cody hung out with him other than the possibility that he leached on to their unsuspecting skin.

We were eventually dismissed to go onto our respective merit badge activities. I left my bike by the lodge and walked with my class to the near by churches jungle gym. The physical fitness merit badge could take anywhere between 3 to 6 months outside of summer camp and the goal was to show improvement over time. For example on day one if you could only do 3 pull ups, you had to beat that number on the final day. This was the same for pushups, sit-ups, Mile run times, etc. relatively speaking, I was improving physically if not in attitude. We were in class for about ten minutes when I saw Scoutbeard riding my bike where ever he pleased. I don’t know if you know the average size difference between 12 and 16 years olds but what ever you are picturing, double it, and then double it again. Scoutbeard looked like a circus clown on a toddler bike.

Furious I tore over the small fence and shoved the whale off to prevent him from further assaulting the inanimate object. He toppled over rolling almost as efficiently as the bike tires and scabbed one of the knees under his cargo shorts. I shouted “don’t touch my fucking stuff.”

This was not my first encounter with him but it was my last straw. I threw the bike back over the fence, hopped over myself and walked it over to the other end of the playground area. A smug and naughty grin crossed Scoutbeard’s face. The bike would be his. Scoutbeard failed his physical fitness badge years prior if not obvious, so unable to climb a 3 foot fence, he wattled around the perimeter of the enclosure. I watched him while continuing class until he got too close to my bike once again. I stopped and went to retrieve my property. I then told him to knock it off and wheeled it back to the jungle gym. That is when I noticed Cool Cody and Kenobi standing under a nearby tree egging scoutbeard on. I then looked back over my shoulder to see Scoutbeard close the gate behind him. He had now entered the ring.

You may all remember how my last fight went however I would like to remind you that it wasn’t really a fight. I defeated myself and fell down the hill. This time we were on level ground and I had 12 years of my 2 brothers, double this age, pummel most every fight lesson I would ever need (be it on the receiving end).

I said, “scoutbeard! if you take one more step I will kick your ass.”

He stopped, looked at his nonfriends and took that warned step. I pushed my bike over and launched my fist straight into his eye. He once again rolled over like a tractor tire and I proceeded to lay punch after punch into his gelatinous girth. He really didn’t put up any fight and it was kinda like hitting a water balloon. If it wasn’t for his whaling i wouldn’t be able to tell if it ere painful or if it tickled.

I did eventually let up but he laid there for a while. As for my scout master, I believe he was thinking that if a skinny 7th grader could beat the shit out of a 16 year old beluga, he had every right to. From that day forward no one used my first name anymore. As homage to the brothers who trained me I was only ever called by my last name. As for Kenobi, I became his Anakin, and he taught me many of the ways of a normal teenager over the next 4-5 years. Kenobi also went into the classic senior freshman relationship with non other than Chloe where she then cheated on him multiple times this is how I know about the running belt getting loose.

Thats it for tonight and I hope the additional experience is well worth it! See you next time

I forgot to link previous parts so here’s the links to part 4 and part 1 if you need to catch up

https://www.reddit.com/r/neckbeardstories/s/2ZBwnUcekG

https://www.reddit.com/r/neckbeardstories/s/pLs8gYFR0t

I really don’t understand how neckbeards can blame feminism for them not getting laid, what does equal rights have to do with dating? Well besides the fact that women now have a choice to date anime haters.

Come to think of it, women are finding anime to be a huge red flag and hate guys who play video games. Could it be that neckbeards are those frustrated that women hate Stellar Blade? That women absolutely despise shows like Highschool DxD and Uzaki-chan? Maybe they really are finding out the hard way that women just seem to hate anything neckbeardy.

Maybe that’s the crux of the culture war, women hate sexualized media like Stellar Blade and Highschool DxD, while neckbeards like it. Well I usually don’t take sides, but maybe this time I’ll side against shitty subpar anime and games.

What’s up Reddit! Here is the next part of my cringy dark ages of social awkwardness, harassment of girls out of my league, and all around neckbeadary. If you need to catch up here’s the link to the previous post.

https://www.reddit.com/r/neckbeardstories/s/zbRdsoKZxU

This one takes place about a year after the previous post and continues the story of my first victim. While football was the heart and soul of my sandwiched town, both in location and in repopulation, I all but hated the sport overshadowed by my older brothers. My sport of choice was soccer but I am about to dabble in uncharted territory.

Joining us in this story is: Me with a wardrobe change. Towards the tail end of 6th grade I got braces. I changed my hair from Zack and Cody mop head to go for Andrew Garfield Spider-Man swoosh look. What I got actually looked more like a shampoo mohawk that mushroomed out at the top. I also began wearing fake glasses. Our distressed damsel Tammy-lynn (TL) is actually more of a side character in this one but is the reason behind the events that take place. Billy, TL’s friend and my nemesis. Timmy, his taller best friend. Finally we have who I would like to call Michael Simpsonville (MS) who is so named because he was really good at basketball but also a criminal.

Not much has happened in the past year. I had made no progress in winning over TL. My new tactic is a classic. If TL took interest in something I did also. The most notable emulation of this plan was when I learned she was trying out for the basketball team. With no experience I too went to tryouts. Before that I went to the nike store to copy Billy’s basketball shoes. It took me a while, but I was able to find the exact shoes from 7th grade. Billy had the navy blue Nike Zoom Lebron Solider 8s. I went and got the Solider 8s Christmas edition which are the ugliest shoes I ever owned, but were the most expensive and therefore coolest sneakers I could find. I guess I thought It could be a pay to win situation.

Tryouts were a 3 day elimination until a final decision was made by our coaches. Our gym had 2 full courts if the bleachers were removed. They ran across the main court with the mid court line being shared border. This allowed both guys and girls to have tryouts at the same time. Girls were on the on side of the court and guys on the other. The first day consisted of 3 incidents and went something like this.

Incident 1. This happened during drills. All of our drills were timed. Laddering the court was one example. This is where we had to sprint to different points of the court and back progressively getting farther away from the start point. Another drill we had to backpedal down the full court. We lined up and when it was my turn, I made it about to half court and then tripped. I slid on my back about 10 feet. I was laughed at, fortunately not by all, but most of the other candidates. I got back up and finished with the slowest time

Incident 2. Eventually we did 5 v. 5 matches. I was teamed with Timmy and 3 others. Billy, MS and 3 more were teamed together. There were also enough players for 3-5 other teams. Don’t recall exact numbers. There were several bouts before it was my team vs Billy’s. They were doing the best. We were doing the worst because of me. MS while naturally gifted towards the sport but also cocky and had an attitude. I made it my mission to best him to impress the coaches. Over and over again he got around me, shot on me and was completely unthreatened by me. As he dribbled to the 3 point line with me between him and the goal I saw an opening. It almost seemed like I wasn’t there to him. I was that unassuming. His relaxed slow dribble left enough time for me to rush him. I swiped the ball and shouldered him, Hard. He didn’t fall but was definitely taken aback. While this may sound cool or impressive let me assure you it was not. This was the least graceful thing I ever remember doing in my entire life. I had absolutely no balance or control making my way across the court. I wish I could have seen myself to verify but I imagine that I looked like a chicken trying to take flight with a broken wing. I also could not stop myself. I flailed with the ball straight past the goal and tumbled into the wall.

Incident 3. After this I received the ball very little. Neither my team nor our opponents respected me, as if they did before. In order to receive a shred of redemption I resorted to standing under the hoop in hopes that I would be left alone enough for my team to pass me the ball. I did not pose a threat in the eyes of anyone on the other team as intended and eventually Timmy looked at me alone, open in perfect position for a layup. Standing a foot taller than me, he reluctantly passed the ball. At this point my plan had worked so well that I fooled even myself into thinking that I couldn’t do anything helpful with the ball. I watched it zoom towards my face until it enveloped my vision and smashed into my nose. I reared, oozed blood from both nostrils, and was sent to the bathroom to clean up

Keep in mind that if Tammy-Lynn were paying attention she could have seen all of these occurring however I think she would have been doing all she could to ignore me.

Needless to say I was not on the roster for day 2 of tryouts. I did however go on to become the team manager or in other words, the water-boy! Billy, Timmy and MS all made the team with MS being arrested mid season for possession and not being seen again for many years. That’s it for this tale though. See you in the next one for a 2 parter!

Hey Reddit! I’m going to try to keep rolling these out as best I can, If you need to catch up here is the link to the previous story and an introduction to today’s story.

https://www.reddit.com/r/neckbeardstories/s/d3UYwEdQXp

Oliver here, my background is the youngest brother of three by a lot, a child of divorce, and grew up in a town so small that every time you went in public you would crash the singular and everlasting family reunion. I believe these things contributed to my social awkwardness but are only a few factors in my cultivation to become a neckbeard. My family, a long with a handful of others, moved to this town for cheep real estate, sandwiched between 2 major cities. These are the stories of my first victim during my Beardventures.

The cast of this story is: me a socially inept parasite, hell bent on going to the homecoming dance with the woman of my dreams. Huge gap in my teeth, zipp off cargo pants/shorts and axe body spray. Tammy-Lynn (TL) the Damsel I distressed. A girl I had obsessed over for around 4 years now, pretty with freckles and dimples. Billy her friend who I remembered was also a trumpeter in band with us. Charlie my reluctant saxophonist friend and finally the band legbeard! Let’s call her Patty. She was Female alternate me. She had matted tangled hair, super awkward, and also had huge glasses with a prescription so strong they looked opaque. She was to me what I was to TL.

Homecoming was rapidly approaching and I had to secure my date with TL this Band class or it would be too late. I spent the whole class building anxiety and trying to devise a plan to get past Billy to ask TL the question. My plan was speed! If I moved fast enough when the bell rang he wouldn’t be able to get in my way. Little did I know that speed was also someone else’s plan. As the class neared its end we packed up our instruments and got ready to go. The bell rang and I sped my way towards TL to be cut off, not by Billy, but Patty. I had honestly never noticed her before and didn’t know her name but there she was, standing between me and my prize. She held a piece of paper out to me without word. Confused, I took it. She then bent her head to the floor and scurried away. The note read, “will you go to homecoming with me? Love patty <3” I threw away the note disgusted that someone in my league was interested in me and hurriedly caught up to my preferred date.

“TL. TL! Wait!”

She made no motion to stop but I still managed to reach her side. I walked with her breathing heavy and asked my question.

“TL, I was wondering, would you like to go to the homecoming dance with me?”

“No,” she said flatly. “I am just going with friends and I don’t like you like that.”

Now for those who study beards this rejection is not a straightforward answer to us. This, to our population, means, “I can’t go with you because I already have plans with friends, but I would if I didn’t. Continue to ask me out though because eventually I will get tired and give you a chance.”

I was again unsuccessful and went on to my next class. Later that day in the lunch line Charlie got interested.

“What do you like so much about TL?” He asked me.

“Well,” I replied, “we’ve known each other forever and she is so pretty. Her freckles are so cute and I love her nipples.”

Yes, you read that right! I did in fact, mistakenly say Nipples! Instead of DIMPLES! And everyone in the immediate area here me say “I love Tammy-Lynn’s Nipples!” I back peddled, corrected myself, but it was to late, the words had exited my mouth and entered everyone else’s mind. Oliver had seen Tammy-Lynn’s nipples. If she wasn’t repulsed by me before she definitely was now because as we all know in middle school news travels quickly and nothing stays secret for long. It was much much harder to get to talk to her going forward.

I decided to go ahead to homecoming alone in hopes to woo her into a dance. My version of dressing up was buttoning up my outer layer and zipping on the pant extensions to my cargo shorts. My dad drove me to the middle school dropped me at the cafeteria and pulled off. I walked through the door to be greeted by the ticket clerk who informed me entry was $7. I had no idea there was an entry fee and I had no money so I told them I had to go catch my dad and would be back. He was long gone. Foiled once again I sat on the curb forming a new plan. I didn’t have a personal phone at the time so I couldn’t call him to come back, just my Ipod. I couldn’t sneak in. While I was lost in thought I realized someone was sitting down next to me. I looked to see none other than Patty’s opaque glasses staring back at me. I shot upright, announced, “NOPE!” and preceded to walk 2 miles back home.

I was chewed out by one of her friends back at school that I broke her heart. My justification was I didn’t want to leave any room for false hope and thats why I did it. I told the friend I knew what it was like to be lead on and didn’t want to do that to Patty. I do now acknowledge that the responses to my advances were not “playing hard to get, but as we all know beards, whether Neck or Leg, never learn.

Thats it for this story, next up we are moving into 7th grade with a wardrobe change, so stay tuned.

Hey Reddit! I am back with another tale from my dark age of preteen beardary! Still Hoping Reddx finds these for the listening audience and would be excited to hear my words in the “Neckbeard voice”! So far it’s been pretty fun to reminisce and look to see how far I have come! If you haven’t read part 1 I’ll link that here.

https://www.reddit.com/r/neckbeardstories/s/xJEBCNrobi

This one takes place at one of the high schools football game. Brief background, My family moved to a hick town with a gene pool about as deep as Jaden Smiths philosophy takes. In this Hill country there were only 2 forms of weekend entertainment. High school football and the dirt race track. You could expect all 5,000 of our population to attend every single Friday home game. It was definitely a huge revenue stream for our school system and our team was actually pretty good (probably due to the inbred strength). I started to attend these games in middle school wandering from familiar face to familiar face trying to fit in, which brings me to the rest of the cast: Tammy-Lynn(TL) the damsel I distressed. I didn’t give her much description last time so, she was a long haired brunette and had more freckles than attendees at the game. She had a nice smile and dimples that will get me in trouble in a later story. Next we have Billy, friend to TL and my nemesis. Billy was short, funny, and popular. He and I had interactions outside of TL’s circle and he was a bit of a bully to me however much I deserved it. He and I did become friends after my reformation. We also have Tank, a hardened farmer who kinda looks like a bulky Sam Elliot, silver hair and all, TL’s dad, who if provoked could probably corral a charging bull. Finally there was Me. A young beard released into the wild. Cargo shorts, short sleeve button up draped over a long sleeve T shirt, I had a big ole gap in my teeth Evel Knievel would have trouble jumping and tons of acne. My choice cologne, whatever the dark blue bottle of axe aerosol was.

It wasn’t hard to find my ‘soon to be girlfriend’. She was popular and had a large group of girls surrounding her. We were also still in that awkward stage of can guys and girls really be friends so while Billy’s group was not intermingled they were very much orbiting one another. I made my approach and it went something like this.

“Hey TL”

groans “Oh heey.. Ollie” she replied

“So I was wondering do you still want to hang out, I can get you something from the concession stand and we could go sit together?”

Her friends snickered cynically. “No I just want hang out with my friends”

“Oh, well maybe I could have your phone number now so we could make plans sometime” I said hopefully.

“I already told you no,” she said. “Plus last time you asked to ‘hang out’ you told the whole school we were dating, NOT HAPPENING” She turned on me, said to her friends “let’s go” walked down the hill and even hopped a fence to get away from me.

I went to follow when I was stopped by Billy. “Hey man, she left to get away from you, not so you could wander across the stadium to catch up,” he said.

“Get off me Billy! You can’t tell me what to do! You aren’t her boyfriend!” I screeched. He horrified me with the response of, “how do you know?”

I would now briefly like to describe the stadium. It essentially is two tremendous mounds of dirt somewhere between a 45 and 60 degree angle. We are standing about 40 feet up the side of the bowl.

I moved into position to defend M’lady’s honor. He angled to defend himself. I lunged at him with the classic beard plan. Go for the nards! I must have missed my targets and got his inner thigh because as I lost balance and rolled down the hill I heard him say, “did you just try to punch my balls? That’s so gay!”

I landed on the side walk below, covered in dirt and scrapes, crying. I did not make an attempt to go back up to continue the fight because the entire group was laughing at me. I curled up for a little bit eventually taking the action figure out of my cargo pocket and playing superhero to comfort myself. I may have talked to the figure as jf it were my friend spilling my frustrations to a 6 inch Iron Man.

I did eventually get up wanting to get some candy from the stand, but on the way there I spotted Tank behind the home goal post. A new mission diverted me from my main objective. I was going to get TL’s father’s approval.

I approached him from behind, leaned on the fence next to him and peered across the field. He barely acknowledged my existence. I said, “uh, Mr. Tank,” he somewhat side eyed me, “ I just wanted to tell you that I am in love with your daughter. She’s smart and pretty and I would love to be her boyfriend.”

Tank did turn his head to look at me but did not utter a word. I imagine he was thinking “who the fuck is this kid?” Because he clearly had no Idea who I was.

I recall him grunting and I said, “I just wanted to let you know” then I turned in fear and walked away. I could feel daggers being stared into my back as I walked away before he turned back confused and continued to watch the game.

TL was not happy I talked to him and had billy communicate that message to me on Monday at school. I was told to, “stay the fuck away,” which I did not do very well.

Anyways, thats it for this story! Look for part 3 soon.

Good day Redditors! Been laughing at the cringe of this subreddit for a few years now and have slowly come to the realization that I used to be a Neckbeard… perhaps not in the traditional sense, but certainly by attitude, demeanor, and most definitely obsession! I was not overweight, actually quite skinny. No patchy bush surrounding my atoms apple, but did grow a light mustache. No spores growing between cheesy flabs, but I did dawn greasy hair, filled with product that never worked the way I intended and of course axe body spray. Finally, I was missing the helm of the white knight, the fabled fedora, but was occasionally crowned with what I described at the time as an Indiana Jones Adventure Hat. In the timeline I will try to keep you updated on my appearance as the years progress however I would say this is my average appearance in my prime form of cringe. My beardary lasted about 8 years give or take, from 8-16 years old approximately with some habits lingering in my college days before complete rehabilitation. I have since come a long way, learned all I could to be a likable human, and contribute to society beyond being an embarrassing leech. I am now married with a daughter and have an advanced role in customer satisfaction and relations at my current job. All in all I have about a decades worth of stories so let’s get started. Ps. Would absolutely love to be featured on reddx! Gimme those upvotes to get him to see this! I feel like he could identify with a reformed beard.

Backstory: I grew up in a small rural town in north east GA in the foothills of the Appalachian mountains (I will keep names and locations generally confidential). I can truthfully say that 80% at least of the kids that I attended school were closely related in some way and as gene pools go it was neck breakingly shallow. My family moved from Virginia to start a business and by that I was already somewhat of an outsider. While most of my peers were kissing cousins, lacking in attractive qualities, there were a handful of desirable young ladies that captured my attention. Just a handful. My parents divorce, to my memory, marked the beginning of my dark age. I believe that it contributed to my insatiable need to latch on to a love interest to obsess over.

Victim 1: A beard grows This first story stretches around 4 years. The characters are: me, 8-11ish, new into the dual household life seeking consistency in someone to call my own. Tammy-Lynn(so named from Ted) 8-11ish, the unmistakably pretty girl from my junior soccer team that just so happened into my leech pond. We reunite in middle school. Charlie, 11ish my first middle school friend and the only one I had in the 6th grade.

My memories from 8 years old how ever vague and foggy are deeply important to the 1st victim of my beardary. Tammy-Lynn and I were on the same soccer team around that time. It was in all reality not a real team in the slightest. More so something for parents to keep their kids occupied with. At the end of every season every player received a trophy for, only God knows what, as a commemoration of the season played. To say I was instantly enamored with Tammy-Lynn is an understatement. I was indeed obsessed. I sought every opportunity to be paired with her in practice, every chance to stand next to her in group settings, I even kept a picture of the team picture as my IPod background just so I could see her face. (I do mean a camera photo of a paper photo) She and I did not however attend the same elementary school so outside of soccer we had no connections. Before moving up into middle school I had little chance of encountering her. However we both were in the gifted programs at our corresponding schools. This meant that once a year we would go on a county wide field trip where I would get to see her briefly. I would count the days idolizing the perfect fictional Idea of us being together and then never come within 20 feet of her out of preteen fear. This is a girl that I had maybe 10 hours of in person interaction with! Truthfully, that zoomed in, grainy picture of a picture of an 8 year old was my background for much longer than I would like to admit.

Fast forward to 6th grade. My adult teeth had grown in to rival Anthony Mackie’s gap(love that man, just an observation). I was going for the Suite Life, 3rd Sprouse brother kinda look and failing miserably. My mustache had begun to settle in. Cargo shorts and short sleeve button ups over long sleeve Ts were my attire.

Moving around as a child of a fractured home didn’t leave me with many friends and what few friends I had were not in my schedule bracket in my first year of junior high. Know who was? Tammy-Lynn! At last we are reunited!

I was also a band kid, trumpet for anyone interested, where I was so fortunate to be seated with another trumpeteer, the one and only victim of this story. Here I also met Charlie, a smooth, quick witted sax player who our teacher forced to take me under his wing due to my lack of friends. I was thrilled to have Tammy-Lynn back in my life, so thrilled that it was time to make my move. I remember my exact words to this day, nearly 2 decades later. while packing up our instruments I made my timid approach.

“Hey Tammy-Lynn” I said.

“Oh, hey Ollie” she replied.

At this point I am thrilled that she remembers me and convinced that she has been long awaiting the words that would soon escape my lips.

“How have you been, I haven’t seen you since the old soccer days,” she said.

“Good. Hey I was wondering would you like to hang out with me sometime”

This is the neckbeards ideal way to ask a girl on a dateon. Vague, and unspecific. I.E: “Hang out”… “sometime” …

To the relief of the snare drum rattling in my chest, she said, “yeah sure, it’d be nice to catch up” I then celebrated with an obvious, “YES!” And an arm pump. and without another word turned and left class.

BTW this is the first day of school and the second class of the day. I then walked with Charlie to the next class describing my success of landing a date on day 1 of middle school. After that what do you think I did? If you thought I kept it to myself you are so sorely wrong. I bragged to anyone who would listen that I had a date with Tammy-Lynn the most beautiful m’lady in school. Soon it seemed that the whole school new of our destined rendezvous, the whole school except the lovely Tammy-Lynn.

One young gentle-sir had the gaul to question my story, a friend of Tammy-Lynn. “So you got her number then, right?”

“Uhhhh, no…”

Blast! a flaw in my elaborate, full proof plan has revealed itself. “A minor setback,” I thought. “there are still 2 classes left. Surely our paths will cross again.”

They did not. Despite being in the same scheduled team none of our other classes aligned. I was panicking. When the final bell rang, I darted into action. Maneuvering through the crowded incestual hallway I called “Tammy-Lynn! Tammy-Lynn!”

She made no motion to stop.

I got closer finally catching up to her.

“Hey Tammy-Lynn. I realized that we couldn’t hang out if we couldn’t talk. Could I have your number?” Obviously the news of our impending date had dawned her ears because in a disgusted glare she flatly told me, “no” and continued down the hallway to her bus.

Devastated, diffused, and dejected, I shuffled to the car pick-up line confused as to where I went wrong.

Thats all I have for my first story of my neckbeard days. I would like to add that towards the end of high school Tammy-Lynn and I were friendly towards one another and could laugh at all the past cringieness of my past bmbehavior. This is also my first post so please take it easy on me for formatting and such and while it may not have been as cringe worthy as some of the greats but there is more to come soon! See you soon!

Hello my wonderful lovely friends. Woodsy here!

I haven’t posted anything in a very long time. Mostly because I had a baby and she takes up a lot of my time, but also because I am currently lacking beards in my life. Which I love!

Now I do have more stories to tell, that I have not yet told. Some because it was a long time ago and the only proof I have is in Dutch. Some because the person I would talk about actually scares me and might come murder me. But this one, my run in with an actual bonafide scary nice guy, has had more than enough time to simmer. And it’s time to serve it up for you.

Now before I get into the grit of it. I do want to do what I do best and start this story of with the desecration of a wonderful speech from the Lord of the Rings

“My dear Neckbeards and Nice Guys, Beardos and Stinkgoblins, Legbeards, Nicegirls, pick me’s, Incels, Crotchgoblins and Creeps.

Today’s isn’t my birthday, but I’m thirty-one. First of all, thirty-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable creatures. I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

Secondly, to celebrate it is not my birthday. I should say: not OUR birthday. For it is, of course, also not the birthday of the fabled and fabulous, Redditors. They came of age quite some time ago and get to read this story today. Together we score some rancidly terrible stories. Your numbers were chosen to fit this remarkable total: Gross, if I may use the expression.

I wish to make an ANNOUNCEMENT.

I regret to announce that - though, as I said, thirty-one years is far too short a time to spend among you - this is the END. I am going. I am leaving NOW. Don’t follow me! Stay away! About 50ft would be nice!

Goodbye Neckbeards!”

Alright into the thick of it!

This story begins when I was 17 years old. A wee little girl who didn’t know much of the world and just transferred to a new school. I got a message on facebook one day, from a guy claiming to have gone to my school a few years back and asking me if a certain girl still went to that school.

I was polite and told him I didn’t know. I did know, but the guy’s wording seemed a bit…off. At school I asked about the guy to a classmate who knew the girl he had asked about and she told me, let’s call him Gollum, (you’ll see why later) never went to our school. He had however shown up from time to time at the school gates to stalk the girl in question.

Let’s pause here for a moment to tell you: Yes I am an idiot. And yes I should have blocked him immediately, but as those who’ve read my previous stories know, the growing of a spine is a fairly new occurrence.

Anywho: I was glad I hadn’t told the guy I knew the girl, but I didn’t stop talking to him. Mostly because I just came to a new school, didn’t know anyone and needed someone to talk to. We talked for a while off and on during the following weeks. But everything he said rubbed me the wrong way. He started telling me how pretty I was. To which I told him I was gay. I’m not, but he didn’t need to know that. I thought that would be end the flirting. But it wasn't.

He also kept attacking me on everything I said, as if he was TRYING to start a fight. Eventually I had enough and I removed him as a friend from Facebook. I thought that meant he couldn’t message me. He could. I know that now, but this was a long time ago. Hence the following rant ensued. I’m am going to post the original texts here. But as they are in Dutch I will also put the translation down here.

Gollum: “F*****k you are stupid! Artschool reject without talent who now wants to get a worthless diploma in criminology. What a joke! Better stick to women, because I’m the reason why you hate penisses! I want to be that reason! Because I will f*****k you into a wheelchair bimbo! HAHHAHA

And it’s you, not your! lolyourdumb”

Woodsy: “No just dyslexic, you ballsackbumblebee” (it sounds better in Dutch, I promise)

Gollum: “You know, when I’m looking at your profile picture I can’t say for sure if you’re a human or a troll. You can’t handle me. Why don’t you just block me before I lay you down at my feet b***h 😉”. (It’s the winky face that really does it for me!)

Woodsy: “Waaaaaauw…I don’t know what to say to this…am I supposed to have a higher opinion of you now?”

Gollum “You’re already handicapped, damn the university must really be lowering the bar”

Then he send me some link I couldn’t open telling me it reminds him of me.

Woodsy “I don’t know what you sent me. I can’t open it, but it probably wasn’t all that nice. I didn't know I would hurt you so much with this.

(referring to the friend removal)

And I’m sorry (No! Bad me! Bad!)

But I was so done with your commentary.”

Gollum “HAHAHAHAHAHA and you seriously think that HOHO I give a rats ass? For all I care you walk off the side of the earth or shoot your own brains out of your head. I could care less. And I’m not even surprised you did that, because you are ONE of the ugliest people I've ever seen! Even Sméagol from Lord Of The Rings is better looking and has more charm. The only think you’re good for is drinking my seed and laying at my feet. Reality check, screw off now bimbo.”

Then I blocked him. I also reported him to Facebook.

His Gollum fetish aside, the man did scare me and for a while a feared he would come look for me, as my school was not that big and he had come to it before in search of a different girl. Luckily the guy was all talk.

A few years later I showed the texts to a friend. His account had been removed, but I remembered his name. I looked him up on Facebook and low and behold he had a brand new account. A very public, very open account.

The very first post I found on it what him ranting about a girl that broke up with him and he wishing she would get r-worded. He said a lot nasty things and so did his friends.

Soooo I reported him to facebook. Again. Because yes, I'm petty. And he's a creep. And yes, he got his account removed, again. I don’t remember his name anymore. I’m amazed I even found the texts. But here we are, 14 years later. I wonder if he ever got to give his precious ring to the Gollum of his dreams.

Thanks for reading my nonsense my dears. I hope you cringed as hard as I did, both at his and at my old spineless self. I won’t be apologizing to you guys, because I’m dyslexic, you ballsackbumblebees!

Love you! Woodsy out!

I have a YouTube channel, and I'm excited to create a video about reading stories. However, I've noticed that many videos already cover these experiences, and I want to be mindful of how people feel about their stories being shared. My goal is to approach this topic sensitively and respectfully. I appreciate your understanding—thank you!

This is about an experience I (21M) had at a temporary job with working at an event for easter bunny photos around half a year ago. I only remember it well because I doodled some of the experience.

One of the days I worked I was in the costume dancing around while my coworkers chatted with some guy who had stopped by.

I couldn't see him very clearly, nor could I hear much; but I did hear something about him joking about hunting the easter bunny since he hunted occasionally/often.

I played it off like a joke because it sounded like one- by covering the bunny head's mouth to show surprise.

Two days later I was dancing around out front while one of my coworkers was in the suit and in comes a man who I think is Amish.

He had a beard and no mustache, his outfit was a completely black suit with a blue tie and a black scorpion pin with a blue decorative gem on it.

He walked up and said something along the lines of "You were the one in the easter bunny costume."

After I expressed my confusion he clarified he was the guy who joked about hunting the easter bunny.

Oh, okay, that seemed rather normal for me at the moment. He was probably just chatty and recognized me by how I was dancing.

We chatted a bit and I showed him some of my doodles, in turn he began talking about how he was a beginner in tattoo art.

He suggested giving me a tatt himself after I mentioned being interested in them, which I thought was a joke.

Cool, we were both into art! I let him give me his numbers on my paper since I didn't encounter many other artists around there (partially due to being only at home except for work)

He had three numbers- His regular, his work, and an extra to build credit. It was a little weird now, but I was giving the man benefit of the doubt, I was pretty sure he couldn't be interested in me.

We shook hands and he ended up holding onto my hand after and bringing it to his lips to kiss the back of it- Without asking first.

Of note, my coworker mentioned he had a fedora on, I never noticed.

Honestly, I should have guessed he was interested since a lot of people mistake me for a woman.

I only recently started socializing more once I got myself to the point I was confident, so I was very inexperienced with social norms at that point.

after the incident I made sure to use sanitizer on my hand and throw away the part of the paper with his numbers on it.

It gave me the heebie jeebies for a day after that happened, my hand felt dirty no matter what I did and to this day I don't really like handshakes.

Not much else to say, it was a weird encounter and I never saw him again since I don't work in that part of town anymore.

Longtime lurker here! I've been wanting to share this story for ages. Enjoy.

This happened a few months ago, on the day of the eclipse back in April.

I (28F) work as a stripper in a mid-size US city. I have seen the absolute worst of men in my job. From explaining my degree to me (I'm a grad student) to insulting my coworkers in an effort to impress, to "tipping" with a rolled-up napkin, I thought I was long past being surprised by male depravity. The day of the eclipse, I was to be proven very, very wrong.

I popped in the club on the afternoon in question for a short day shift. The place was NOT happenin'--it seemed everyone was out enjoying the eclipse. Everyone, that is, except one loner at the bar. I put my game face on, and approached.

This guy was large. Not pudgy, not chubby, but LARGE. He took up his entire barstool and some of the ones next to it. He wore thick glasses, a balding pate, and the kind of beard favored by blobbish men which I like to call the "chinulacrum" (chin+simulacrum). You know the one: a thin, expertly shaped trail of hair tracing the remains of a long-buried jawbone, creating false definition between neck and face. This guy's was honestly impressive. Full marks for precision. I squeezed in next to his cheeks, asked the bartender for a glass of water, and went to work.

"What do you do for a living?" I asked, after short introductions were made.

"Magic," he said. He did not elaborate.

What a baller way to answer a dull question. At first I thought he must be talking about Magic the Gathering, with which I have some experience, although I couldn't think of how that could possibly constitute a living. I probed.

"Magic? Like the strategy card game?"

"No. I'm a mage. A caster. I practice witchcraft."

Well, well. What a way to turn a dead shift entertaining. All of a sudden I was, and I cannot stress this enough, here for it. This was about to become one of my most memorable days at the strip club. I engaged full throttle.

"That's amazing. I've never met a mage before. What brings you in today?"

Let me preface his response by saying, I have heard EVERY answer in the book to this question. For whatever reason, a lot of customers want to pretend like they're not in to see strippers. Responses range from "Oh I just wanted a drink, I didn't know it was a strip club" to "I know the bartender, I don't come here for the girls" and anywhere in between. None of that could prepare me for what I was about to encounter.

"I'm sheltering. From the eclipse. You see," and here he turned to me with wide eyes, shifting massively on his three stools, "if I'm exposed to the energy of the heavens today, bad things will happen. It could be dangerous for everyone in our state."

Holy shit. Yes. Please say more.

"Oh my god. Why?"

"I'm too strong. The eclipse will magnify my powers to unforeseen levels. And our state is the most magical spot in the US. It's why I live here. These three things combined..." he shuddered. "You wouldn't survive."

I consider myself an excellent conversationalist, especially after stripping my way through college, but I was already way out of my depth here. His statements hung awkwardly in the air, stewing, until he spoke again.

"There's another reason I came here." He was once again looking at me with wide eyes. "To meet you."

"Oh?" I could think of nothing else to say.

"Yes. I've long had a talent for knowing where I'm supposed to be, when important events are happening. I knew you'd be here. The universe," his eyes slid up and down me, and suddenly I was back in familiar territory, "knows I like redheads. And strippers."

It was fate.

I got into my stride then. He ordered us a couple of drinks, and I sat for probably about an hour engaged in the most fascinating, unhinged, absolutely fucking bonkers conversation I've ever had in my life. He spun a picture of his life that seemed compiled of equal parts spy movies, comic books and videogame plotlines. As best as I can remember it, this is his tale:

Magebeard was born in our state to poor parents, parents whom he never knew. He was taken as a baby from his family to the CIA because the government had clocked an unusual amount of magic in him. He was trained as a child in the art of magic, (wait, sorry, Magick) and quickly rose to the top ranks of CIA mages. He rose so high, in fact, that he was able to break ties with the CIA and go on the run. The government pursued him relentlessly, but their power was no match for his. He ran away to the mountains of Peru and lived as a free man for two years among the Quechua (their name here is my own insertion, just by the way--he called them "natives") until finally the CIA caught up with him.

Magebeard struck a deal with our government, wherein he would be allowed to live free from them, but he was confined to our state. (This of course was not a problem because, you'll remember, our state is the most Magickal). They set him up with housing and a phone plan, and instructed him not to wander. And here's where it kicks up a notch. Because the phone plan they gave him is from the company Qlink.

As we know, Magebeard was top of his class, Magick-wise. This put him in a unique position of power, not only over the American government but over the American populace. For, you see, Magebeard is not only the highest powered Magick user in our country, he is also (hold on to your hats).... Q.

THE Q.

From Qanon.

"They have a sense of humor," he laughed as he flashed me his phone screen, showing the Qlink logo on the top right corner.

If you're unfamiliar with the company Qlink, they provide wireless service to people who qualify for things like welfare and disability. Hopefully you're starting to see what's going on here: Magebeard is rebranding the lowest points of his life in an epic way. Honestly, props.

I was of course honored that the famed and elusive Q had chosen to reveal his identity to me, a plain old stripper, and couldn't help but ask why.

"You're not just a stripper, though," he said emphatically. "You're the one I was supposed to meet. And, you're a witch."

Goodness, I had no idea. He went on to explain that I radiated Magickal energy, and that he could help me hone my powers. That is, if I were brave enough. (Spoiler alert: I'm not.)

The conversation then turned to me, and this is where it started to get really neckbeard-y. Because Magebeard had a habit that is extremely common among strip club patrons: he was an I Know You guy.

If you're unfamiliar with this behavior, it is when a man meets a woman and proceeds to try to impress her by telling her all the things he picked up about her just by looking. These men are never accurate. They are, however, extremely easy to fool. Once Magebeard finally remembered to ask me about myself, and subsequently informed me that he already knew everything about me, I started feeding him morsels of untruth.

I told him my family were Ashkenazi Jews.

"Ah, yes, I saw the nose immediately."

(We're not Jewish, Ashkenazi or otherwise. Not a drop of Hebrew blood runs through my veins.)

I told him I was born in Eastern Europe and immigrated with my family when I was 5.

"Of course. I thought there was something a little different about you. You're obviously not American."

(American, born n raised.)

I told him I studied computer science.

"Yes, you have a logical mind. You're obviously very good at math."

(I suck sweaty balls at math. My degree is in archaeology.)

I told him I did jujitsu.

"I spotted it immediately. You're a fighter. Your core and back are strong."

(Yeah dude. From pole dancing.)

You get the picture. He was an arrogant douchebag.

Then we started talking about dating. I learned about his last girlfriend, who had also been a redheaded stripper. He described to me a profound love, marred only by the fact that she was a CIA agent who overfed him and made him fat in order to restrict his mobility, so that the government could keep easier tabs on him. Come to think of it, the whole time we talked we were surrounded by agents. Those two guys that just came in? Agents, watching him. That dancer? Agent. Bartender? Also an agent. We were practically besieged. None of them made any moves though. They wouldn't. They knew he was too powerful to take down.

As we talked about romance, he became convinced that I was in love with him. Now, as a stripper, feigning affection for assholes is a skill I have and utilize. But this was something else. He kept telling me "You're falling for me. I can see it in your eyes." A dancer passed by and said hi to me, and when she was gone he patted my shoulder and said, with that same wide-eyed look, "Don't be jealous. I don't want her. I only want you." She hadn't even spoken to him.

He rounded off our time together by buying a few lap dances, but honestly at this point I was so enthralled by his whole deal that he could have walked out and I would have still been satisfied with my experience.

He didn't have much cash, so I gave him my stripper Cashapp. He paid the lap dance price, and tipped extravagantly on top of that (all thanks to that sweet sweet deal-with-the-CIA money).

Days after our encounter, I noticed some payments coming in on my Cashapp. I use a different Cashapp account for my stripper money, and I had been away from the club for a bit, so it was a surprise to see money coming in from that account. It was Magebeard, sending me payment after payment with little romantic notes attached. I sent him a note back, thanking him for his patronage but letting him know I wasn't interested in seeing him. The payments stopped, but he didn't rescind the ones he'd already made, and for that I'm actually quite grateful. It's tough out there, even for Magick folk.

I got another message about me updating this story and decided to finally actually update for anyone who's still hanging around. I'll link to all the parts in the comments for anyone who would like a bit of context. It's been about 8 years since I updated so probably quite a few people.

So I was writing about term 2 and trying to gather info together when Tash tells me she's found Nick's facebook. I take a look and... he's a normal dude. still interested in anime and shit but he was in a committed relationship, working, and studying towards his goals. He was like a completley different person to the Nick we last saw.

When Nick left our school he was very well known as someone without boundaries. He'd made friends with some real arseholes and become one of those shock humor types who liked to do their best to get a rise out of people and wasn't on speaking terms with most of our group anymore. He was known to lie about pretty much everything and always claimed to be joking when called out.

When Tash showed us the blog a year or so later I remember thinking it was a creative writing blog with us as character stand ins because it was so far from reality. It still had him going to our school even then. It was reverse chronological order so it was only as we scrolled that we realized how much of it was things he'd try to pepper into conversations as if they were real and how delusional he was. it was some pretty terrifying shit, particularly for me as it was very me focused.

Writing about the events and realizing how far I had come from being so indirect to being able to stand up for myself and the validation from everyone here, not just my old school friends, that he was really beyond what's normal was really cathartic. But after reading through his facebook and seeing his current life it just stopped being fun. I was going to post what I'd written of the next chapter along with this explanation, but that feels wrong too. I looked at his facebook again before this and he's in a couple youth outreach programs which is cool.

I hope every neckbeard gets the chance to have as big of a turn around as Nick did. I still wouldn't want to come anywhere near him after experiencing his worst, but I'm proud of him for turning it around 'cause it can't be easy.

Hello, my last story got some likes so I decided to post another about my first and only date with a beard from tinder.

We matched on the cursed app and he asked me to come and meet him. I prefer to meet people in person early on rather than texting so I suggested a popular coffee shop. He said no because he didn’t drink coffee. I suggested a pub. He said he doesn’t drink. I suggested bowling or the arcade, he said nahhh. Finally I suggested he choose a place with things that he liked. He suggested an empty park near my apartment complex. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable meeting there because it’s not a public location. He suggested we meet outside a crowded cafe or restaurant as long as we didn’t go inside. At this point I realised he was concerned I might expect him to buy me a cup of coffee. For the record I wasn’t expecting that, I was just a bit irked because he could have just asked to split the bill.

Eventually I agreed to this not sure why and I came to meet him. I had a shift before our date and I told him the time I would be available. He texted me he was leaving his house right before I left work and I told him I’ll see him soon. He arrived at the location half an hour early then texted me that I was late. I corrected him and he said “well I told you I was leaving why didn’t you come sooner if you knew I was coming”. I pointed out I have no idea where he lives or how long it would take him to get there and I was very clear about my shift finish time.

I turned up already pissed off because he kept texting me every 2 minutes about where I was. I nearly turned around and went home.

I arrived and was looking for a tall athletic guy with short hair and a beard. I looked around and didn’t see anyone matching that description. There were 3 guys playing basketball nearby and they asked if I was looking for someone, I told them yea and gave them a brief description. They looked a bit confused at each other and said there was a guy who arrived about half an hour earlier who was sat on a bench nearby. I looked where they pointed and sitting right there was a guy who looked nothing like his profile picture. There is nothing wrong with a persons looks changing but there is something wrong with using pictures so old that you are unrecognisable. He had been sat there the entire time watching me look for him. Wearing dark sunglasses trying to strike a seductive pose on a bench. As I got closer I realised he was wearing grey sweats and a disgusting fleece jacket in the hot summer heat. He smelt like BO and old food. He had a patchy beard that had been filled in with acne, poorly cared for teeth and one of those anime key chains clipped to the zip of his sweaty fleece.

I approached not even sure if this was the right guy. He took off his glasses and introduced himself. He then told me I was late. The mannerisms and tone of this was supposed to look like a stoic anime buisness man character. But he just looked cringe in his $2 plastic glasses and stained sweats. I corrected him again slightly ruder this time and also pointed out that he had watched me look for him this whole told and not said anything. I work with kids I know how to use the ,I’m very disappointed in you, voice and he apologised.

We sat on the bench for about 5 mins talking he told me he loved anime, games and Japanese music. He also told me he went on the date because I look like a character from a game he likes. He then tried to adjust my top ( touch my boobs) I told him to not touch me! He sat next to me and behaved but kept trying to cuddle me and I kept reinforcing my boundaries. He asked to kiss me and I said no. I just wanted to make this date last at least 20 mins so I could leave without feeling too bad. He then kept trying to initiate a kiss even though I told him I wasn’t interested. I could smell his teeth every time he got close. Not food in his teeth. His actual teeth smelt like cavities.

When 20 mins were up I told him I have to go and we both stood up to leave. When he stood up I realised he had an erection. He was fully hard, in a public place. Surrounded by people. I went to walk away and he tried to follow me and asked to give me a ride home. I told him that I could SEE HIS ERECTION and to leave me alone.

He said “ha ha I’m sorry my dick is like a rocket ship” I knew the punch line would be something like “because it goes up so fast” but being angry I asked him “so are you telling me your penis is deformed?” He shouted back at me “ I don’t have a deformed penis” in a public park surrounded by children.

Thank you for reading.

TLDR neck beard definitely gets an erection on a first date.

Karl Marx was the epitome of a neckbeard. He had a big, unkempt beard. He was born in a priveledged family, not working class. But he didn't like working. He didn't want to get a job. He was a moocher on his family's wealth, a total social parasite. He was so lazy he didn't even want to take a bath. Wouldn't work, irresponsible, careless in a bad way, barely took care of himself hygienically, drank too much.

Frederich Engels was his only true bro friend who took care of him and way loyal to a fault. But Karl did not appreciate or value him. And he even declined to go to Frederich's funeral when the guy died.

Karl Marx was an entitled loser with no humility who resented the world because he was too lazy to get up and do the work like the rest of us. Someone who never worked a day in his life yet arrogantly thought that he could speak for the working class.

This is a very interesting documentary that describes the psychology of Karl Marx and of real life stereotypical neckbeards. The comments are particularly insightful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnwC8WxKMMc

Hello. I am using a throw away account for this but I have plenty of stories about one of my exes who I think was a beard.

This story took place a long time ago but I’ll try and tell it accurately.

My ex hated sweet food. He never kept anything sweet in the house and hadn’t eaten sweets since he was a child. So one day when he called me crying wanking and covered in raspberry pudding I was a little shocked.

I asked him to explain what happened and this was roughly what he told me through the sobs.

He had got bored of using his hand to wank and thought that sticking his penis in to a bowl of pudding would feel much better. So he went to the store. Found the desert section. Selected a victim. Came home. Read the instructions. Made the desert. Let it set in the fridge over night. Re-heated it. And then stuck his member in it.

An interesting thing about raspberry pudding is that at boiling point it’s a liquid, when refrigerated it’s a solid and when hot/warm it’s an incredibly sticky viscous substance. The combination of warm pudding and hot penis had left him covered in essentially raspberry scented super glue.

Upon realising his mistake he started to rapidly loose his erection. However as his penis shrank into itself he realised that his foreskin was essentially glueing itself to the shaft.

So that’s how he ended up calling me, crying, covered in pudding while desperately trying to maintain a semi. Not sure of what to do.

He was fine he just had to lay face down with his dick in the washing up bowl for a while.

This story doesn’t showcase much of his beardy behaviour but it gives a flavour of the type of stories I could write if people are interested.

TLDR neck beard sticks penis in raspberry pudding and gets burnt.

Attention all mods we need to be more active and I’m think off adding more people to the mod team

I was dating this guy for like a month. I like nerdy guys, so when I saw his pictures my first thought was it might be a gym bro thing, which I'm personally rarely into if that's really the main passion or hobby because I just can't relate at all, but then I read in his bio that he was very into nerdy stuff, warhammer, LARP, video games, manga, you named it. He superliked me and I was intrigued, so we matched and started seeing each other.

I won't shame the guy for his nerdy hobbies, like I said, I actually like that and I don't think that's what makes him a neckbeard, I'll focus on the cringy, creepy and funny stuff, but I wanna add as a sidenote: he did have a Katana. Beware the Katana ladies, I only know one genuinly cool guy who has it and that surely isn't him.

The neckbeard traits were a bit more subtle the first 4 dates, it was a bit much and a bit cringy that he described himself as a lone wolf, said he loved darkness and always had rotating dramatic drawings of sulking knights as his profile pics as a grown man who turns 28 next week. It was giving edgy teenager, but I looked past that.

The breaking point that was so creepy and random was on our 5th date (second time I slept over) we were cuddling in bed after we woke up when with no warning, no intimate touching, no eye contact, no nothing, he started jerking off while he had his arm around me. I laid there in dead silence unsure how to react. I brought it up after breakfast and he just said his ex was into it and it was my fault for not stopping him or I could've joined in since his body is a "buffet".

I talked to my closest friends about it and they validated my feeling that he should've asked since it was so random and I politely texted him about it, explaining how I felt and that I think we need to communicate consent differently in the future and that we can talk about that the next time I see him and he ghosted me. But that's where the best part came in.

Right after he ghosted me, he put a K and an infinity sign in his insta bio and sure enough a couple days later, he posted a story of a doodle of princess Kida from Atlantis (his favorite Disney movie) in his story saying "I think she's cute" then proceeded to frame the doodle, put it on his desk and putting that in a highlight he titled "I love you" in Japanese characters. This 27 year old man has an imaginary waifu to deal with how I politely called him out for wanking next to me out of the blue 💀

Oh and he also has new a new passion project every 2 business days. He wanted to be a streamer, a podcaster, then an author, now he wants to make his own manga

So. A while ago, I posted some stories of a neckbeard at my school who I called Shadebeard/Pedobeard. Things since then have peaked and slowly fell concerning his behavior. I remind him every day to please not talk to my sister or her friend because of what he did to them. If you stumble upon this post and havent read the others, he grabbed my sister's waist and repeatedly tried holding her friends hand. He's 17 and they're 15 and 14. My sister updates me. She told me that Shadebeard has been avoiding her recently but still watches her. I can't do anything physical about it because he's mentally handicapped, police can't do anything because he's mentally handicapped, teachers can't do anything because he's mentally handicapped, it's a stalemate basically. He acts like he doesn't even know what he did wrong when I told him not to talk to my sister because she was genuinely scared of him. I feel both concerned and angry for him.

I've recently been back to boxing practice BECAUSE of him. What if he's physically prepared if I stepped in on one of his hormonal bouts? What if he brings something blunt force? There isn't a limit to these people who actively draw blood from others, rub it all over themselves and act like there isn't anything wrong. I'm scared of Shadebeard too. So scared, that I constantly bring two handkerchiefs with me to school to wrap my knuckles on the off-chance he changes his mind on backing off.

He's also been hanging around my sister's other friends who are REALLY into the weird 'ganggang' culture permeated by the rappers here in the Philippines. He's been wearing bandanas sometimes which made me realize he's being influenced by music that talks about meaningless sex, killing people, and other really bad stuff. I'm slowly becoming more and more fearful by the day that I don't have enough strength to knock him if he ever tries something so bold.

The fact is, he knows. He knows the two are scared of him. He knows I am in extremely high alert every time he exits the classroom for lunch. He knows the fear he can strike. And yet, he keeps that sword clean and sharp while waiting, and waiting, and waiting for a hopeless girl to stumble his way.

Hello. There won't be any character intro for now because at the moment, I'm way too pissed off to do so.

SO!

At the dinner table today, my sister told us. Shadebeard was stalking her and her friend. Shadebeard squeezed her waist and asked to smell her hair and kept trying to grab her friend's hand. KEEP IN MIND, MY SISTER IS 15, HER FRIEND IS 14. SHADE IS TURNING 18 THIS YEAR. This is rather short, I know. It's just an update. As a good brother would, I'm gonna keep a close eye on him. And if he does something again, I'm beating him half to death.

I really hope this counts here because this is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while.

I spotted someone on twitter saying warhammer is only for boys and girls should go back to Barbie. He said boys should “have their grimdark warporn”. I pretty much told the guy warhammer as a concept isn’t just for the boys and most people grow out of thinking girls have cooties by adulthood. He then replies with the most nutty and neck beard thing I have ever read. It goes as follows:

“I have been married for 20+ years and the subject of much admiration by ambient females.

Unlike yourself I have actual experience of real women (the ones without dicks). They are not just little men that are shit at fighting. Their brains too are really different. A lot of blokes fail to realise this.

100% of the female warhammer fans (a very small minority of the total fan base) are actually the devoted fans of a MAN who is a warhammer fan (husband, boyfriend or dad). They pretend to like it in order to enter that man's weird autistic world of warporn toy soldiers, not because they like it but because they like him.

AND THAT IS FINE, whoever told you the gender differences have be erased for holy equalitarianism is a literal malevolent retard and you would do well to not listen to those particular voices in your head.”

Sorry ladies who like warhammer, I guess we’re all mindless sheep who only like things to impress men according to this specimen. Nutcases like this guy really serve to give warhammer a bad name. I hope this man can return to reality one day. He may be a little too far gone tho

When i was a toddler, i thought he was just some overweight dad who plays video games, found out he was my mom and aunts brother, met his kids, my cousins, throughout 2010, i saw his darth vader statue with a bikini on it, and was like wth? what kind of humor is this? and he told he he would put makeup on me and a crown to make me look like the princess characters from the mario games, which i hope he was being silly, as i see his collection of his games on xbox and playstation, next year in 2011 staying with my cousins for my summer days, i just watch him laugh about diarrhea humor, on youtube,

and then in 2015 again, not much he was a tattoo artist at the time, and we got excited for terminator genesys and star wars the force awakens, and in 2016 i heard he went to jail for months, for trying to kill his ex wife, fucking abuser man,

after years seeing my cousins again in 2019, where i see how influenced his kids were, by seeing what the hell they watch on youtube through his TV, it was "weaboo cringe compilation videos" and "goanimate caillou and dora getting grounded" and on my grandparents apple computer, they were watching some "nicki minaj anaconda video edited with farting sounds as a parody" where i felt like throwing up where i didn't find that humor funny at all, gross!

after awhile, after my cousin niv a boy about 2 or 3 years younger than me had a fight with his younger sisters, in my fucking room,

and derek my uncle asked his son if he'd like it if he did that to him and gave him timeout in a bedroom that's not there room instead it's my bedroom,

and after staying with his friends house, my uncle got upset where he told his kids not to his pocket knife, got upset for spilling a class of a drink on his computer, and then got mad over his daughters running away, telling his daughters the street natives will rape all of us as kids, as his warning as a parent and i saw my younger cousin the girl cry like he fucking traumatized her,

this was in 2019, Years later after i had another uncle from across west canada trying to fight him,

he doesn't talk to my family anymore after what i told him, and i knew now in the 2020s, My aunt my mom, my elders, don't care about him anymore, they don't wanna hear about him anymore, plus nobody did nothing to help my cousins but allow my uncle to hold his kids hostage, my mom told me he's keeping them hostage by telling them, "nobody cares about them" trapping them in his house? what a pathetic excuse of a man i really hope he dies alone when he's old no friends, no new wives, no family, not even his own children around him. i'm glad i got that off my chest.

Hello all! I'm back after a while and here with Part 2 of Skinner: Sophmore Edition! I am cross positing from  as someone from there told me you guys here would love this story or this potential saga, so I hope y’all enjoy it!

I had gotten a few DMs with some questions and here are the answers: 1.) I lived in the south and it was the early 2000s-2019, there were a bunch of super small farm towns and our school had a graduating class number of only 400 so everyone knew everyone 2.) I will say I do live near where Skinner is, I moved away and he somehow moved where I moved and that's why I say I have some current story of him (As in fresher than fresh), and 3.) Yes sadly this man is married currently (But that is a later story)

So this will be the Sophomore year of high school for the friend group and me and Skinner evolve over the summer just like we all do. Let's buckle up and put this firey truck of disaster into gear, it's going to be a bumpy ride!

It is 2017 and everyone has come back from summer a new person and ready to begin the year again, and the crew had stayed the same with 2 new additions:

Jessica- a car-loving redhead

St. Jamison- a stoner history buff and local dealer

Doodle- Its ya girl

Johnny- A new kid who was new in town and a rodeo man

Gigi- A new nerd friend of the group, who had a love for raising animals

Now the group had noticed a small bit of how Skinner had changed but we thought it was just a small new tick of his, he had started to learn how to read the many languages from the Lord of the Rings series. Though he was obsessed with the Elvish and Dwarvish, we just thought it was a small hobby as he liked doing decoding puzzles so maybe he was challenging himself, and his other new thing was that he was getting into Celtic folklore and mythology. We brushed it off at first glance, but we noticed his fashion had upgraded if you could call it that. He changed out his combat boots for Convers high tops, and his fashion stayed the same. Jessica remained the same but was getting more into astrology and crystals, St.Jamison was becoming less of a stoner and more of a dealer, and all I did was get a summer job and develop another art talent for painting.

With the summer came two newbies, Jessica brought in Johnny as she did develop a small crush on him, but I doubt he ever noticed as he was always too focused on his next rodeo bull riding competition, and I brought in Gigi, we met at work and we became close friends over the summer and slowly became one of the crew. But a new school year means new ideas, emotions, and bonds, especially for Skinner.

Same as last Jessica was in all honors classes, Jamison and Skinner had some honors and basic classes, so it was just Grant, Gigi, and I in the basic classes with a few with Jamison and Skinner. The classes I had with Skinner and Gigi were Art and English 2. Now most of the problems with Skinner happened in Art, the English class was more so just Skinner watching Gigi and I like a scrawny lion watching his prey.

In Art the school had grouped up Art 1, 2, and 3 in one class for budget reasons, I had tested out of Art 1 and 2 so I was in 3 and Gigi and Skinner were in Art 1 and 2. We sat at a table together and spent most of the time watching YouTube videos together and working on our projects and class assignments.

Now Skinner's obsession with Gigi grew all too large too quickly, a few weeks into the class our teacher gave us the assignment to draw our table buddies, and we decided, or well Skinner said we should do counterclockwise of who we draw, I would draw him, he Gigi and Gigi me. So we drew for a while, but I noticed Skinner was drawing a little more... how do you say, depraved? Like he was lost in his thoughts and drawing like a madman without even looking at Gigi. When class was near an end our teacher had us show our works of the table to our table buddies. Gigi and I drew in the typical anime art style, and I liked how Gigi drew me and even asked to keep it and Skinner was indifferent to how I drew him.

Skinner: "It's decent but you could've broadened my shoulders a bit, added a bit more definition to my face, and made my hair a bit fuller, also some color would've been nice.

Doodle: "You don't have to be so harsh Skinner!" I joked still oblivious to his true nature and just thinking he was playing around

Gigi: "Show me how you drew me! I wanna see how you did!" She was all too happy to see.

It was obvious that he was nervous but more so like a guy confessing his love and fearing rejection. when he showed us his paper we were a bit dumbfounded. Now we weren't upset at his art style, it wasn't Chris Chan's level of art, he drew pretty decent, and it was clear that the art style he chose was the style of the Justice League Unlimited TV show art style. We were more so upset at HOW he had drawn her, we could tell by the multiple layers of faded drawing and sketch marks that he couldn't fully erase, now I will say Gigi is a very fit and lean girl, and the way Skinner drew her she looked sort of like a very exaggerated Mrs. Incredible but as a LOTR Elf and well let's just say her outfit was a bit TOO revealing. My face was bright red but Gigi was sort of the type that doesn't notice hints or social queues as well and she was just so happy it turned out nice and she said she looked hot.

The rest of that day was a bit weird as I had now noticed the feelings Skinner was having towards Gigi, but the sad part was that Gigi was from a Mormon family, so she had no interest in relationships with non-mormon men, especially Skinner who was came out to us as a Satanist so she was defiantly not into him, but he wouldn't take the hint.

So St. Jamison being able to "legally" now the gang and I had more and more outings, whether it be a night out or a weekend in the next town over. But with Jamison, Skinner and I still being a part of the Video, Board, and Card Game Club we sometimes had the group hang out with us so we could immediately leave after the club was over.

Johnny, Jessica, and Gigi came in minutes before the club ended and chilled out with me, Jamison, and Skinner. Gigi and Jessica were at the back tables looking up places to eat or see if any good movies were out, while Johnny was attempting to learn Magic with Skinner and St. Jamisons help.

A minute or two go by and Gigi walks over to talk to us about our options for the night, as she did Skinner had somehow moved from behind me on the opposite side of the table to right behind Gigi. I'm surprised she didn't feel his towering aura behind her when he just stood there to show the other boys in the group she was his—a silent threat made by a Chihuahua, a greasy one at that.

Skinner: "Well we should let Gigi pick since she came up with all the ideas"

Gigi: "Oh I shouldn't pick, I doubt the guys wanna sit through a rom-com after a long day of school"

Skinner: "Yeah, only real men can that kind of stuff, looks like they aren't man enough to admit they don't want to"

Johnny: "What did you say?"

Johnny did not take this lightly. The thing about Johnny he hated being called a wimp or anything that questioned his manliness. Being one of the younger siblings of 4 boys he had an instinct to protect his honor and manhood.

Johnny: "A real man owns up to his words and doesn't back down from a challenge"

Skinner: "We shouldn't be having this quarrel in front of a fine young woman, it'll only prove that men like you are brutes and only care about their bodies"

This was when our jaws dropped, we had never really heard Skinner like this before. I could feel the Reddit karma dripping from his greasy hair.

Now this also made me and Jamison shit our pants, Skinner was scrawny with very little body strength at all and Johnny was well built from having to have the grip strength of a god to even last long on a bull ride, and he spent his days working in the lumber yard after school for a part-time job. So Johnny was above Skinner's weight class by a couple of levels.

Doodle: "Johnny I don't think Skinner meant anything by it, why don't y'all just cool down"

I glanced worriedly at St. Jamison to get him to help with Skinner while I worked on Johnny to get him seated.

Skinner: "Doodle, why don't you take a seat, the real men are talking here. A woman such as yourself can't even comprehend what's happening."

I had never felt so shocked when hearing that, before I could even snap back at him Jamison had already taken him out of the room and I was left to brew in my anger. Jessica and Gigi had come over to comfort me and I was left silent for the rest of the night.

How could he have said those things to me, he was one of my best friends but the way he sounded just then talking to me, it was like I was a stranger in his eyes. While we waited for either Skinner or Jamison to come back I sat there trying even to figure out why he said what he said. Johnny came over and sat next to me.

Johnny: "You alright?"

Doodle: "Yeah I'm fine, just upset that he would, even say those things to me. What did I ever do to him?"

It was very obvious how hurt I was, I didn't help that I was very emotional but it was very rare I had ever looked or even felt sad in front of friends.

Johnny: "Well I somewhat feel responsible for his outburst as I had egged him on a little bit, Jessica just told me that Skinner has some mental issues, so maybe I struck the wrong nerve and it triggered one of his conditions."

Doodle: "Maybe..."

I had only seen Skinner go through a PTSD moment once before but it was nothing like this, it was more so just him going into a fit of rage and just throwing things, the group had gone over to his house during the summer and something had come up to trigger it. I thought I could handle his outburst but seeing him minutes ago, I could tell that wasn't some PTSD outburst, my friend was changing before my eyes.

As the club ended other members of the club helped clean up and then locked up the classroom for the night. When making our way out to the front of the school we saw Jamison and Skinner sitting on the curb smoking. Skinner glared over at Johnny and me, as he did so Johnny stepped in front of me to break the line of sight between me and him

Jamison had come over and explained to us that Skinner was having some trouble at home between him and his Dad and so that's why he acted out. And for some reason, I forgave him, even if he never did apologize verbally to me. It was hard to stay mad at one of my best friends.

That concludes the Sophomore year of Skinner, and we are only still scratching the surface of Skinman. Junior year there will be love for the Neckbeard Incel, will it be one of passion or one of one-sided love?

Who knows? Only time will tell with this one.

But for now, I leave you all in the fog of this quiet town and will hopefully see you all again to tell my tales once more.

Catch ya on the flip side!

This is the second offense of Shadebeard or Karl from my last story. This is also where the other characters come in. I'm gonna dive into some cringy stuff so be ready.

The Second Offense: I can't even name this shit

One day I was just hanging out in my room. Then, I get messaged by Insider. It's Shadebeard, holding a 9 year old girl by the waist. And he even confirmed it wasn't like family. It was a random kid! He then explained other instances. Insider was a long time friend of Shadebeard's ever since grade 4. He told me he liked a 7 year old girl when he was 15. I frantically chatted Chairwoman about the ordeal.

Me: HOY (Hey!)

Chairwoman: Nu ga? (What?)

Me: Dude. I don't wanna be in this school anymore. We legit have a pedophile in our class.

Chairwoman: HA (WHAT)

Chairwoman: SINO?? (WHO??)

Me: The Shadebeard dude. One of my friends, Insider. He sent me a picture of him holding a random 9 year old by the waist. And then he said he had a crush on a 7 year old when he was 15.

Chairwoman: ilang taon un ngayon? (How old is he now?)

Me: 17.

Chairwoman. ANO PUTANG (WHAT THE FUCK)

Chairwoman: TAPOS NASA 68 (AND HE'S IN G8?)

She stopped chatting after that.

When I went to school, I pulled insider into a corner and asked if he had any more information. He was reluctant to say anything so I didn't press him. And for the nail on the coffin, the two of us were walking to the computer room to see him staring into the grade 1 classroom. The creepiest leer on his face. He even tried touching one of the kids in the back as they went out to go home. Horrendous.

Heyall. I have a pretty juicy story about a guy held back and is still in grade 8 as a 17 year old. To describe how he was, he smelled not exactly horrible, just funky. He was stringbean level thin and was still my height. (I'm 5'2 at 13 and he's 5'1 at his age.) You'll learn EXACTLY why he's pedobeard in a few stories. Moving on, let's introduce our characters.

Chairwoman: My friend who recently moved schools. A tall girl. She likes Canada, Five Hargreeves. and being really loud when the friend group goes out.

The Receiving End(TRE): A short senior-high girl. Short hair and glasses. She likes volleyball. That's all I really know.

Me: Just a guy. The honor student who is an idiot anywhere out of school. I like boxing, minecraft, and biking around my neighborhood.

Insider: A pretty cool dude. We used to never get along because of him joking about being a nazi in a group chat. A slightly chubbier kid who is smarter than everyone else. We're cool now. He likes Roblox, walking around, and hamsters.

Karl: The stank, the shit, the pedgend, Karl. His name isn't really Karl but something close to it.

The First Offense: Shadescapade.

*Extremely Long Sigh* Here we go. This happened just a few weeks ago. One day, he came to us saying he had a crush on a senior high girl. The crush was TRE. He always kind of followed her around school. He would pop out from corner to corner. This is a very very small school. Like, everyone knows each other. And everyone can see each other too. I just saw this guy literally following her everywhere.

One day, he did something so cringeworthy I could die right now as we speak. One day as I was walking back from the computer room after class, I saw him with his shades on, wrapping his arm around her on a chair. She looked so uncomfortable. She probably was being subjected to the full brunt of his stench too. And then he just went back upstairs to the main G8 classroom like the entire grade didn't just catch him red-handed. We didn't say anything since he was special and we didn't wanna look like assholes.

Heyall. I have a pretty juicy story about a guy held back and is still in grade 8 as a 17 year old. To describe how he was, he smelled not exactly horrible, just funky. He was stringbean level thin and was still my height. (I'm 5'2 at 13 and he's 5'1 at his age.) You'll learn EXACTLY why he's pedobeard in a few stories. Moving on, let's introduce our characters.

Chairwoman: My friend who recently moved schools. A tall girl. She likes Canada, Five Hargreeves. and being really loud when the friend group goes out.

The Receiving End(TRE): A short senior-high girl. Short hair and glasses. She likes volleyball. That's all I really know.

Me: Just a guy. The honor student who is an idiot anywhere out of school. I like boxing, minecraft, and biking around my neighborhood.

Insider: A pretty cool dude. We used to never get along because of him joking about being a nazi in a group chat. A slightly chubbier kid who is smarter than everyone else. We're cool now. He likes Roblox, walking around, and hamsters.

Karl: The stank, the shit, the pedgend, Karl. His name isn't really Karl but something close to it.

The First Offense: Shadescapade.

*Extremely Long Sigh* Here we go. This happened just a few weeks ago. One day, he came to us saying he had a crush on a senior high girl. The crush was TRE. He always kind of followed her around school. He would pop out from corner to corner. This is a very very small school. Like, everyone knows each other. And everyone can see each other too. I just saw this guy literally following her everywhere.

One day, he did something so cringeworthy I could die right now as we speak. One day as I was walking back from the computer room after class, I saw him with his shades on, wrapping his arm around her on a chair. She looked so uncomfortable. She probably was being subjected to the full brunt of his stench too. And then he just went back upstairs to the main G8 classroom like the entire grade didn't just catch him red-handed. We didn't say anything since he was special and we didn't wanna look like assholes.