i cant stop crying

Hi! I helped organize the 2018 APA protest and virtual counter-conference in New York and we are looking for folks in the Bay Area to help organize the 2019 protest.

Who are we?

We are a coalition of psychiatric survivors and ex-patients who stand united against the use of forced treatment in the mental health system. We have the support of groups like MindFreedom International, Psych Rights, the Network Against Psychiatric Assault, and Opal Project. Note that we have zero affiliation with CCHR or Scientology.

To watch last years protest and/or counter-conference, check out ProtestAPA.com. We also have a Facebook group you can join in.

As I mentioned, we currently are looking for folks located in the Bay Area who can help with local organizing. Contact me or reply to this post if interested!

Hi! Hello! I am conducting a survey on Internet Memes because I am interested in learning more about how modern meme culture informs our society. I would love if you took a moment to quickly participate. It shouldn't take more than 5 minutes. Thank you.

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1OqLEROeBYHdNtUhK-AI9r71bzuOwqS8Wrj4v23DH_q0/prefill

(fill in if you are comfortable)

If a breakdown is like falling in a hole, and immediate recovery is learning to climb out of it, the rest of your life is like running on a field where you randomly trip on little gopher holes and have to get yourself back up, while people sometimes cheer you on from ahead of you. Even though the field will never be perfectly flat, you can learn how to dodge the bigger obstructions, get better at picking yourself up each time you fall down, and occasionally get a hand from someone.

Can anyone else relate?

Hey there everyone, as a time to time experienced depressed and anxiety driven human being, I started a Youtube channel where I talk about it. Maybe it can be useful to someone? I am also looking forward to any feedback you can give me because I know my work isn't perfect yet. Anyway, I hope it helps someone :) https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCkLIeC6d70uMhfo1klAyFQ

Wife and I are separated. It's been the most difficult time of my life. We have two children ages 10 and 7, both girls.

Prior to the separation, I was a stay at home dad for 5+ years. Wife worked while I took care of the home, kids, school, dental and health appointments. I couldn't work due to my deteriorating mental health and chronic lower back pain. I almost became paralyzed in 2010. I almost took my own life in 2014, 2015 and again in 2016. This is the first year, 2017, that I feel well enough, not to want to harm myself. I know my children need me and I love them, so much!

I learned something important during my 7 day psychiatric stay in 2016! She was, is, and continues to be, a massive trigger for my anger, anxiety, fear and hallucinations. We've been arguing about petty things these past few years. She once called our youngest daughter a liar, to her face, made her cry more than any 6 year old should cry and she never, not once, apologized to her for that incident. She yells - a lot (wife, not my child). Doesn't know how to communicate with me nor the children unless she's yelling (it's a massive trigger for me). She's accused me of cheating, repeatedly, and I believed it. I sought comfort texting women that I met online, women who wouldn't yell at me, women who would laugh at my silly jokes, women who I could talk to about anything and enjoy our conversation. I admit that one woman took our texting to the sexting level. But I never, ever, touched or kissed or laid with another woman during my marriage. I still haven't. She called me a cheater and I felt so guilty, so ashamed, so evil that I would cheat on my wife, that I attempted suicide for the 1st time in 2014, and with the constant blaming, being called a cheater, I attempted suicide again the following year and lastly in 2016. I learned that she is TOXIC for me. She's well aware of my mental state and knows why I was hospitalized. I am convinced I did in fact cheat on my wife.

My hallucinations came back two weeks ago while showering at my new apartment - my reaction scared the shit out of my brother/room-mate. I suffered a nervous breakdown the same week and was found 10 miles away from home by some firemen. I was walking to work, I do not remember the walk, how I got there, etc. They said I was delirious and was rushed to the hospital where I had a chest xray done (i was complaining of chest pain), EKG, cat scan and blood drawn. Everything came back negative, not a single thing visibly wrong with me. Then a week later, I was in the psych unit again, I just couldn't get my anxiety under control.

Some years ago, she took a 12 week course at our local mental health clinic, to learn about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, etc. Nothing she learned was applied to our marriage. She would accuse me of using my depression as a way to get out of doing chores, or blaming my anxiety as a reason not to get a job. Maybe I was flirting with other women online and being too friendly and that's why I thought it was okay to text/sext them? I know some bipolar people are promiscuous and I never was, but maybe that was my way of promiscuity? I dunno - but ...

" ... for better or worse ... " bullshit

Now during my greatest struggle, not seeing my kids, being forced to work and lose everything I had, having to live on what's left after child support and the short short hours I get to work every week. Juggling my daily back pain anxiety and stress.

I am grateful for my brother. He's helped me a great deal. I have a loving strong support system. I miss my girls. I was there and they were there for me for over 5 years, morning noon and night. I pulled all their loose teeth. I clipped all their long nails. I always turned on the water for their showers. I was always there to hold them when they had a bad dream. Now. I am not there.

[i do have a doctor for my mental health through a local organization, i have a dr, case worker and therapist + meds]

Thanks for reading this wall of text. I am home safe from taking the bus for the 8th time, I saw my therapist this morning and am doing well today. NOT thinking of my daughters birthday party with her cousins at her moms house. Truly wish I could be there.